The Simpsons s31e18 Episode Script

1 D'oh! Flanders.
Hmm.
Maybe we should find a new playground.
Oh.
Well, this looks nice.
Har-har.
Shady trees, bathrooms with doors and that loopy-loop slide dumps you out on soft recycled tires.
Oh, Pirellis.
Oh, look! It's your friend Hudson.
My son seems to really like your daughter.
- Courtney.
- Marge.
Is that ironic or retro? It's my name.
They're having so much fun.
- Is she free for a playdate tomorrow? - Yes.
Has she been in the same room as a peanut recently? - No.
- Can I check off her vaccinations? TB? DTaP? Measles-mumps-rubella? Yes, yes, yes.
Breast or bottle? Bottle, but I'm not a monster.
I can bring cookies.
White sugar.
That's hilarious.
I'll have to tell my partner you said that.
Well, I'm gonna tell my partner you mocked white sugar.
See you tomorrow.
Pancakes are on the table, Homie.
And flapjacks will be ready in a few minutes.
Marge, I'm trying to lose weight.
Pancakes will be fine.
Are you sure? I have to face facts.
In some small ways, I've let myself go.
What's wrong? Who died? We're worried you will.
We want you to live longer, Dad.
Never what I want.
Fine.
You know what, skip the pancakes.
I'll just have a grapefruit to go.
I didn't see the moon landing or the fall of the Berlin Wall, but I did see my father take a grapefruit to go.
Thanks a lot, pal! You cost us the pennant! Yeah, right there! Ah, yesterday's pizza.
I've been dreaming about you, my friend.
While I slept, I said, "Extra large.
" But I told my wife I said, "Sexy Marge.
" Oh, why didn't I put on my pizza-eating gloves? Oh Where are you, Homer? Burns just called a staff meeting.
The only seats are next to him.
Oh, God, I need a miracle.
Hey, why don't you bring a balloon to your coworkers? They're like kites without the hard work.
How long have you been selling balloons? It's an interesting story.
Well, this is a story of a poor mountain man Spoke worse English than Mr.
Jackie Chan Then one day, he was tendin' to his still Heard a hissing sound and his pants began to fill Helium.
See-through gold.
Symbol, H-E.
Well, the first thing you know He's gone.
My best friend is gone.
I want you to know that the coworker you thought was Chip Incognito was actually me undercover.
Sorry I'm late, everybody.
Here, have a balloon.
Simpson, Mr.
Burns is a Fortune 500 CEO.
- He's not going to - Quiet, you fool.
Mmm.
Pure, uncut helium.
Thanks to birthday balloons, rarer than ever.
Smithers, might I remind you we pay a fortune for helium to cool our reactors? Right as always, sir.
That price is sky-high! Where did you get this? Oh, the bumpkin I got it from has tons of it.
But I got to warn you he has no idea of what it's worth.
Excellent.
How I love a good swindle.
What do you think? He called on me! Bah.
As for you, Simpson, Employee of the Month.
So, Marge, I killed it at the staff meeting today.
The key is preparation.
Something amazing has happened to Maggie.
She's in love.
Aw.
If this gets any cuter, I'm gonna bust.
Aw! Ooh! Aw! Cletus, get the dang door! I can't very well answer the door with an unloaded shotgun, can I, woman? Howdy, neighbor.
May I offer you some Manhattan squirrel chowder? You smell like indoor plumbin'.
Mm.
He's onto us.
No need to pretend we're inbred hicks.
No offense, goober.
None taken.
All right, Spuckler, you've got helium, which I want.
I've got what you want, a tin cup filled with dimes.
Let's make a deal.
Now, hold on.
I likes to have a drink with a feller beforen I make a busy-ness deal.
I have imbibed every intoxicant from sweet Yale beer to Flint, Michigan water.
Do your worst.
Absolutely no effect upon my Sir, maybe this Spuckler fellow is a little smarter than we thought.
Nonsense.
Ow! Hmm.
Perhaps it takes an idiot to catch an idiot.
Hello! Could I get a little help? I dropped my sandwich in here.
You and Mr.
Spuckler will enter into what the hoi polloi called a "friendship," then use that friendship to destroy his life from the inside out.
I don't know.
He's got kids.
I can't cheat a family out of their home.
Mm-hmm.
But you're perfectly fine cheating me out of their home.
Oh.
You're trying to confuse me.
I got to get out.
Where's the trap door? Save me.
You know Weinstein from Accounting.
If you're confused, perhaps these two gentlemen can clarify things.
This fellow loves inflicting pain.
And this fellow loves to laugh while he watches this one produce the pain.
Are you the pain guy or the laugh guy? Answer the question.
D'oh! Hello? Maggie Simpson here for a playdate.
Hudson's on a conference call.
I'll buzz you in.
You have a lovely home.
What is this floor made out of? The tile was a Venetian church which we dismantled, shipped over by small boat and had lovingly installed by a 99-year-old I.
M.
Pei.
That sounds pricey.
No, the toilet is pricey.
The plumbers we hired to replace it are very inefficient.
Let's go, you little runts.
What? Are your diapers full? Would you like some coffee as you fill out a sexual history? Sexual history? So our babies can be friends? Here's mine.
All right.
Cream, no sugar.
So unusual to see a baby with a pacifier these days.
Your baby has such interesting hair.
You don't mind that I babyproofed your baby - from my baby, do you? - Yes, I do.
Very much.
Maggie, let's go.
Now.
And we're not coming back.
Whatcha doing there, friend? Good to see you again.
- A-yup.
- A-yup.
Nothing like a good "a-yup" - to put a man at ease.
- A-yup.
- A-yup.
- A-yup.
- A-yup.
- A-nope.
I mean, a-yup.
Say, friend, looks like you're working awful hard to suck the helium into them thar Mylar balloons.
Oh, it's powerful tiresome.
But the Lord done put helium under my feet, and I must not spill it into the sky.
Now, listen.
Explain that you have a way to make his life easier.
Pretend it's your idea.
He's stupid enough to believe you have an idea.
Say, "What if I told you there was a way to harvest that noble gas?" "What if I told you there was a way to harvest that noble gas without the strain on your mouth puffer.
" I'd say, "Aw, pshaw," but then I'd follow it with a "Go on.
" - Excellent.
- "Excellent.
" No, don't say excellent.
"No, don't say excellent.
" No, don't say that, either.
"No, don't say that, either.
" - Just shut up.
- "Just shut up.
" I'll have to mull your proposal, especially that last crazy part.
You just saved me a passel of work.
Now I can spend more time making more family.
Homer J.
Simpson.
Cletus Delroy Montfort Bigglesworth Spuckler.
Now, let's go yonder and get ourselves a mess of catfish.
All right, I'm gonna get my arm so deep into that catfish hole, that ole chucklehead just bites my bone.
Easy-peasy.
Now, don't scare him.
It sours up the flavor.
It's licking my eye.
- Is it dead? - Mm-hmm.
Thank you.
All right, nothing like a good ole Spuckler family fish fry.
Dear Lord, thank you for bringing this hairless swamp beast our way.
- Aw.
- His wisdom regarding your mystery balloon gas has helped us Spucklers become a two-radio family.
Homer, I want to be your partner.
Seal the deal with a hillbilly handshake.
Come on.
I consider you family now, which is not really that select a circle.
Excellent.
Where'd that come from? Well done, Simpson.
We'll take him for everything except the couch on his lawn.
Well, but we're family.
Couldn't you just screw him half over? No one screws anyone half over.
It's like having half a billion dollars.
What's the point of that? What's up? I think we're both upset, but I'm worried you're gonna talk first.
No, you go ahead.
I'm supposed to screw over a guy that's only been nice to me.
I'm denying Maggie happiness because I can't stand the mother of her friend.
Aw.
Maggie'll be fine.
I just played with her.
She still thinks I've got her nose.
Wait, where'd I put it? Not here.
No.
No.
Oh, look what you found.
I have something I need to tell you.
Hudson had a birthday party, but I didn't tell you, so you missed it.
I can explain.
That other mom was just so annoying with her aerial silks and those yoga pants.
She does Pilates, not yoga.
She made me feel bad about myself.
You get it, right? Right? Get this contract signed, Simpson.
- Or what? - Hmm.
Perhaps you need a little taste of what's in store.
Ow! Sorry, Smithers.
We didn't want to leave a mark that Cletus could see.
But you could've warned me first.
Fair enough.
Watch your back.
Well, if it ain't my bestest friend on God's flat Earth.
- Oh.
- So, what's in your hand? Some sort of a friendship certificate? Uh, you know, just something to put our partnership on the up-and-up.
Hey, what's more up-and-up than the helium business? - Ain't you gonna read it? - I trust you, like a sheep trusts a friendly wolf.
I signs with an "X" 'cause that's the kind of iPhone I got.
And now for the second slash that makes it official.
Oh, I need a straightedge.
Straight-Edge! Get over here, boy! Yes, Daddy.
I can't do it.
- You done floated my mark-maker.
- I won't let you sign it.
It's all a trick to steal your helium.
You was gonna steal from a man what has 29 kids? 30.
31! Yeah, but I told you before it was too late.
Okay, we're still buddies.
Getting mad at city folk for lying is like getting mad at your six-year-old for not cleaning her gun.
- Put her there.
- Uh, that's your left hand.
They's both left hands.
Simpson, you fool.
I hope you kissed your wife well this morning, because it will be the last one.
Well, it was a medium.
Part of it hit her ear.
Hey, you harm my friend, you ain't getting balloon one of my helium.
And I mean ever.
Quite the dilemma.
Smithers, solve this if you don't want another kick.
Cletus, about your helium.
What if we paid you a fair price? County fair or state fair? I can't lose to someone so stupid.
Goons, get him.
We'll pay you what's right.
We have a deal.
Have your people call my basset hound.
Well, this'll help you forget your billionaire troubles.
Have a toke on this, friend.
Help me! Help me! You'll rue the day.
Smithers, power lines! Oh, Maggie.
You're too young to be miserable the rest of your life.
In this rom-com, I am not going to be the mean mother.
Let's go.
You know, the one thing we have in common is we're willing to pretend that we like each other for our children.
To that, I say, "Kiss-kiss.
" Ooh, we're sharing some grits Yours has butter, mine has possum gravy We're pals, so I eat your weird food Woo-hoo-hoo Ooh, you're making me fat now, Homer I don't have long to live Ooh, you're the best friend That I ever had You're the one who keeps my balloons flyin' You're my moonshine, and I want you to know That I'm not sniffing glue I really love you Oh, you're my best friend Ooh, you gave me your tooth I love that you're whittlin' a stool for me I need two, one for each cheek Two, you'll have 'em next week, now, Homer Cool, let's pee in the creek Ooh, you're a mountain man Who lives off the grid You chased off Burns with a shotgun That was such fun And I love to drink The methanol From your still Ooh, you're my best friend Ooh, you're my best friend Ooh, I might not live Ooh, you're my best friend.
Shh!