The Simpsons s31e20 Episode Script

1 D'oh! None of you will inherit anything.
Because there isn't any.
D'oh.
Previously on The Simpsons, a charismatic new preacher came to Springfield.
You want to hold my gun? You-you can.
And Lisa admired him like no adult man she'd ever met.
This brunch has turned into a jazz brunch! Reverend Lovejoy lost his job and swore revenge.
This is This preacher is so amazing.
I'm looking forward to this.
This is the first time I've come to church when it's not part of a big montage of my enemies being whacked.
Whoa! Hey! Whoa! Well, someone looks awfully nice for church.
Oh, this thing? Are you sure you aren't just attracted to our handsome new pastor? Silly.
Moms aren't attracted to pastors.
Oh, this place is so crowded.
My leg is touching Milhouse's dad's.
Looks like we're knee neighbors, huh, buddy? Mr.
Smithers.
I don't think I've ever seen you without Mr.
Burns.
Oh, Mr.
Burns is more comfortable at home reading his copies of the scriptures.
"Blessed be the poor"? I'm just finding this out now? No one must know.
Exodus.
- Good morning.
- Good morning.
For those of you interested in the Packers game We don't want to know.
So, I know some of you still have some questions about me.
I certainly do.
Will you be godfather to my son? We're not there yet, Mel.
But, seriously, fewer and fewer people are coming to church.
Numbers are declining.
And I get it.
When you tell people that you believe in God, usually they take that to mean that you're quietly judging their lifestyle or think everybody but you is going to Hell.
Way to preach, bitch.
I'm gonna pretend I heard "amen.
" Oh, relax, bitch.
The original function of religion was to bring us together.
"Religion.
" "Ligio," like "ligament.
" It means to reconnect.
They don't teach you that at medical school.
Yes, they do.
Well, I learn from my mistakes.
Malpractice makes malperfect.
Well, I want to bring us all together.
Not just Christians but Hindus and Buddhists.
Even those that don't believe.
Does anyone besides me miss church the way it was? Well, the crickets agree.
This church has gone from a place of warm, awkward silence into a gooey lovefest run by a narcissistic kum-bah-yo-yo, and I will not stand for it.
You and I believe in the same God.
I just believe that that God loves everyone.
You don't agree with that, Ned? Sir, we are not on a first-name basis.
Mr.
Flanders.
You may call me New Evangelical Deacon, or Ned for short.
Okay, Ned, look, God is the love, the "yes" that set the universe in motion.
He or She Maybe this time.
Maybe this time I'll believe it - Maybe this time I'll pray - Maybe this time For the first time I'll have fun On Sunday He will sermonize With those hazel eyes I've got Buddha I've got science And now Jesus makes three It's gonna happen - Happen sometime - - Maybe this time - I'll pray.
Not bad, kid.
Also not good.
Let me show you how it's done.
And a one, and a two.
Hey! Aw, sleeping in church.
Like father like daughter.
God is nothing but grace and flow and forgiveness.
And if you don't think so, I-I don't know, maybe you should go back and read the Bible a little bit closer.
Are you questioning a man who travels with extra Bibles to put them in hotel rooms? Do you mind? I'm sure you're very sincere, but a parrot can recite the Bible and have no idea what it means.
What? What? What? This isn't church anymore.
We're out of here.
Daddy, we can't leave before the pastor says so.
- Who told you that? - You did.
You call it "Homer Simpson-ing.
" Yeah, don't Homer Simpson, you jerk.
This is where he got fired.
Now we're gonna poke into Mr.
Perfect Pastor's pysterious past.
Did you just say "pysterious"? Can't you be on my side for once? Excuse me, we're looking for the pastor.
Oh, we don't have pastors.
But our touch screen directory does have a digital assistant.
Hi, I'm Holy Cow.
How can I help you? Please give us your fingerprint by pressing this screen.
You haven't pressed anything.
Why not? I'd like to speak to someone below God and above you.
Well, maybe you can find what you need in here.
How many of you suffer from the effects of mesothelioma? Dial Jesus at ocho, ocho, ocho, ocho, ocho, ocho, ocho.
Please help us.
This man is a fellow clergyman.
Really? Church, steeple, doors, people! Come with me.
Preacher Mac? I have a couple here to see you.
I'm here to discuss a matter of some unpleasantness.
You're not here from The Boston Globe, are you? No, no, no, no, no.
I'm a pastor, too.
I hear there's a little dirt on the collar of a man who used to preach here, Bode Wright.
Him?! You better sit down.
It's a short story, but I'm gonna milk it.
I would go on, but I am down to my last vocal cord.
Even for a pastor, I've taken way too long to make a simple point.
Now here's the proof.
Oh, my God, so many singles in my area want to meet me.
Hmm.
Possessions don't matter, money doesn't matter, this doesn't matter.
Is he burning what I think he's burning? I've got him now.
Lisa Marie Simpson, are you reading the Bible? Yes, it's good, but I have a few notes.
Yeah, well I never met a Hittite who wasn't trying to expand his empire into Egypt.
Oh, Hittites worse than the Canaanites! Oh, now who's doing this because of the handsome new pastor? Reverend Wright? You think he's Oh, why pretend? When he speaks, I feel like he's speaking only to me.
Oh, Lisa, honey, I'm worried you'll get too attached.
This town has a way of rejecting what's new and different.
And better.
Not this time.
But look at your vision board.
It's full of nothing but crushing disappointment.
Ha-ha! Even your vision board is a failure.
That hook was supposed to hold a lifetime's worth of disappointment.
Get thee behind me, Saturn.
I need to pee.
No time.
We've got defrocking to do.
Timothy, I've never seen you like this.
Maybe I'll do some defrocking, too.
In the choo choo room? Okay, mood's gone.
Two beers, Moe.
Nothing for the reverend.
Oh, howdy there, Rev.
Well, can't let him see my nudie glasses.
You didn't have to break your nudie glasses.
Now you tell me.
Uh, remind me how many boobs does a woman have? I never got so much off my chest.
So, then I coveted my neighbor's riding mower.
I never pedal when I'm on a bicycle built for two.
- Homer - I went trick-or-treating when I was 30.
Also, I told Marge I was going for a colonoscopy when I actually went to a Planet of the Apes marathon.
Including the Tim Burton one.
God doesn't care.
Hallelujah! Please.
I make my living in here.
Sorry.
So am I forgiven? You're a good man, Homer Simpson.
Behind all your behavior, good and bad, there's a still, quiet place untouched by the dramas of this life where you simply are goodness.
Oh, you haven't heard the worst one.
I had impure thoughts about the mother bear in the toilet paper ads.
Reverend? If that is your real honorific.
You are late for our parishioners' visit.
I've been preparing all day.
Uh, sorry.
I've got to go.
Homer, does this Flanders guy ever annoy you? From time to time.
Move it, move it, move it.
All right.
Which arm did the honking? I'm not telling.
Come in.
You, sir, have challenged me on scripture.
Oh.
Well, if it's scripture you want to talk, then let us make a joyful noise unto the Lord.
- Good.
- Good.
Punishment is the key to belief.
Matthew 25:46.
"They will go away to eternal punishment, but the" "righteous to eternal life.
" Sure.
But God's grace is for everyone.
John 12:32.
"I will draw all people" "up to myself.
" Hmm.
What about 2 Thessalonians 1:9? "They will suffer the punishment of eternal destruction" Romans 11:32.
"He may have mercy on them all.
" Them all.
Genesis 3:23.
"So the Lord banished him from the Garden.
" Genesis 1:31.
"God saw all that He had made, and it was very good.
" Bang.
I'm cold, so cold.
And I'm wearing three sweaters.
Wow.
This is what it would be like if they believed in God in Hawaii.
Reverend, you come to dinner at my house! Uh, yeah, I'm gonna take a rain check.
So many checks, so little rain.
Stop this revelry! Who are you?! Reverend Lovejoy! And I'm just back from Michigan.
Can you point accusingly for me? You got it.
This man is a heretic.
Oh, no.
No, Lisa, don't.
Wait, wait, wait! Surely, we know the reverend is a blessed man who Lisa, I did something bad.
How bad could it be? Seriously.
Well, look at you, finally paying attention to me.
One brief announcement: there's a red Honda Civic - in the parking lot with its lights on.
- You're losing them.
He burned the Bible.
Oh, boy.
That's appalling.
I mean, come on.
Psalms are not for burning.
They're for tattoos.
So, you know, you sicken me.
Everything in my heart tells me this isn't true! I know this is a weird thing to say in church, but we need proof.
I demand a full hearing in front of all of us! Oh, you'll get your hearing.
Tuesday at 4:00.
Another paradise lost.
Lisa, you're really bringing down the first Sunday of Lent.
Even the fire eater is sad.
The crisis of faith grows as support for im-preach-ment is now at 52%.
Can you fight fire with firing? What should we do with this Judas priest? This has been Kent Brockman talking, saying nothing.
Oh.
Welcome, all of you.
Let's begin.
Why is she running this? Because she won't get overexcited.
And I will?! And the Bible said, "A child shall lead them.
" Well, as my Lord Buddha said, "Three things cannot long be hidden.
The sun, the moon, and the truth.
" Well, why don't they make that a Google Doodle? Reverend, you're very concerned with the Bible.
So, let us turn to that Bible.
Specifically, the very, very, many parts that speak about forgiveness.
And, Mom, thank you for sewing these banners.
I did all that work for a ten-second bit? He did it.
He admitted it.
What else do you need? We've mobbed for less, people.
Yeah, remember the guy with the two different-colored socks? Ran his ass right out of town.
Banish him! Banish him! Banish him! Cherish him! Cherish him! I know another long-haired performer who preached a new philosophy, peace and love.
And the crowd was with him, but then they turned, hard.
And that man's name was Willie Nelson! Well, I say, banish him! Banish him! Banish him! Banish him! Stop! I came here to unify you, but instead I divided you.
So I'm leaving.
I just hope what I said resonated with a few of you.
Like Lisa, one who may change the world.
Aw.
And that Sea Captain guy.
That dude is surprisingly woke.
Yarr, activism means nothing if it's not intersectional.
Yarr! Glad to have known you.
I just want to say, you've changed my life forever.
You're the first minister I've ever met I didn't want to slap across the face.
Glad to have known you.
And I just want to say, rot in Hell, Bible burner.
Glad to have known you.
- Glad to have - Bup-bup-bup.
In my family, you don't say goodbye to someone you care about without a meat loaf.
And broccoli.
You-You're inviting me over for dinner? If you can love us after seeing us eat, we'll know you really love us.
Come on, pal.
We're having roast Bible.
Huh? What? Too soon? I just want to offer this simple prayer: Dear God, please let the Simpsons never end.
Amen.
And, Bode, tomorrow I have to ask you a philosophical question, so I'll see you at the church.
Amen.
Where the hell have you been? Why would you burn a Bible? Why couldn't you burn Bill O'Reilly's books? There are so many.
I was trying to tell people that God is in your heart, not in a overbuilt cathedral or some book.
This town doesn't get subtext.
Our NPR station broadcasts wrestling.
And that's an excruciating half nelson.
Now, is that what's known in the lexicon as a "face stomp"? Yes, yes, it is.
This is NPR pledge week.
Please give.
- Why did you do it? - I was 19.
I saw how people were using the Bible to divide and exclude.
People were so busy worshipping a road map instead of trying to reach the destination.
You know what I mean? Well, why didn't you just say that? That was fine.
No fire.
- I was 19.
- I'm eight and I get it.
You're right.
I've regretted it since the day I did it.
So, since then, I've just wandered the world, like a millennial on a gap year.
I understand, but how are you gonna convince? I'll just have faith in this town's open heart.
I was just making sure it doesn't say "We forgive you.
" - It doesn't.
- Unless they wrote it in red.
Yeah, no.
- No, they didn't.
- No.
- The brick is the message.
- Them's my people.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Do we throw it back? What's your custom? Uh, Chief, this guy still had ten minutes on his meter.
Just when I understood that guy, when I believed again, when I believed in people, they took him away.
I've lost my faith, Lou.
Come on, Chief, you got a beautiful wife And kid I can't I'm sorry, I can't say that with a straight face.
Well, you could try.
I am.
I-I'm trying, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'll maybe try again.
You got a beau tiful wife and kid.
Shh!