The Simpsons s32e07 Episode Script

1 Ha! D'oh! You said you'd be home at 7:00.
Go sleep on the bed.
- Oh, dear.
- Oh, who am I kidding? I will never have enough money to go to San Diego.
Oh, maybe next year.
But how many "next years" do I have left? Leave me.
I have no patience for buyers, sellers, or parking meter quarter needers.
I didn't drag this wagon full of garbage to be yelled at by a talking circle! Ouch.
Yes.
Well, touché.
Listen up, super size.
I want to get rid of Seymour's toys before he turns 60.
Oh, let's see, nothing of value, nothing of val Wait a minute.
Oh, my God, this is why I nerd.
Yes! An original Radioactive Man doll.
Hmm, mint in box, too.
Yes, I may have occasionally seen one of these.
In my dreams! Yes, um, excuse me just for-for one moment.
I might make money! Hulk smash! Hulk smash! Three, two, sold! At last, I can afford a trip to Comicalooza.
Oh, but not enough money for my wife.
- - Mm.
Oh, what luck.
And the first chance to wear my Doctor Octopus costume since my uncle's funeral.
It is happening! Mm.
Do you still have it? Do you? I-I'm afraid not.
It's on its way to a lucky collector who will enjoy not opening it.
- So sorry.
- Damn you, Mother.
I haven't been this angry with you since you enlisted me in the Marines.
Your draft number was too high.
The suspense was killing me.
Who's the new guy? A saxophone.
I wouldn't kick him out of the library for ignoring my shush.
Could he be any cooler? Oh, I'm gushing in the key of E! Okay, don't gaze at his eyes.
Don't stare at his smile.
Don't talk out loud.
You know, I can hear you.
Settle, children, settle.
First, we have a new band member.
Blake, raise your hand.
Second, we're having a chair challenge tomorrow.
Lisa Simpson will be playing to retain her seat.
Your challenger is Blake.
Full disclosure, I'm pretty good.
Well, I'm happy, 'cause whether I beat you or not, I'll get to sit next to you.
Stop with the blue eyes, will you? Less meet-cute, more toot-toot.
Great.
Now, keep playing.
I have a very important meeting in the instrument closet.
CBD gummies, take me away.
Mmm, mmm, mmm.
"You come to me on the hay of my daughter's bedding and make me an ostrich I can't refuse.
" Uh, who are you? I'm Phil, filling in for Comic Book Guy.
Also known as the Snark Knight and Mean Lantern.
Stop being weird.
I'm not being weird.
I'm a voice-over artist.
I do voices for your favorite cartoons.
Like Itchy the mouse.
I never dreamed real people did those voices.
I'm a little embarrassed to say this, but I do voices, too.
- Oh? Like who? - Like this kid Nelson.
You don't know him, but he's all "haw-haw," and, "smell you later.
" Haw-haw! Smell you later.
Hey, you're pretty good.
And I do an awesome Todd Flanders, but it's not worth meeting Todd Flanders.
- Do some more.
- Well, how about That guy from Back to the Future.
Kid, we've got to help your parents have sex.
- Do another.
- All right, I'll do Michael bloody Caine, if you don't mind.
If you want to live in my cider house, there are some rules! Wow, if I knew who that was, I would be even more impressed.
Do you ever worry that Lisa tries too hard and Bart doesn't try enough? Marge, you know our deal.
We don't mention the kids after 7:00.
Where is Bart, anyway? He should have been home by now.
Can you call him? I've got to get started on second dinner.
Boy, where are you? I'm hanging with a stranger.
He's got so many different personalities.
Oh, will you be home before dark, yes or no? What am I, a magic 8-ball? Sounds great.
Looks like all of us are living the dream.
Folks, we'll be landing in San Diego soon.
On the right side you can see the Pacific Ocean, and on the left, oh, I think there's Superman flying - right behind us.
- Oh.
Oh, don't patronize us, please.
- Hmm.
Mm-hmm.
- - Working on questions to ask at the panels? - Yes.
Well, I've been going since '75.
Seen it all.
Adam West in shorts, a line to meet Brendan Fraser.
But you know the most amazing thing I ever saw? - What? - Once, a guy asked a question so good, he got a job with Marvel on the spot.
Ooh, me write for Marvel? Be a part of the committee that would decide the fate of the Avengers? Then people like me could make fun of me.
But those ain't gonna cut it, fanboy.
Then I will write the best question ever.
Was he real or Of course I'm real, and a real person should never be booked between you and this guy.
I am Groot.
Kosher meal for Steve Fishbein.
I am Steve Fishbein.
Comicalooza, even more glorious than I dreamed.
I should not have done that.
Very stupid.
Every man a Batman, every woman a Harley Quinn.
The chance to rub elbows with the who's who of Dr.
Who.
And to ride an escalator next to Ant-Man Paul Rudd! You are Ant-Man Paul Rudd.
Oh, god, I hate my approachable everyman looks.
Yes, a question, please, from someone who is still willing to become a fan.
If you had access to an Avengers-style quantum time loop, would you go back in time and not be in dinner for schmucks? Activate VIP pass.
For two seconds I saw inside the VIP room.
I saw Jon Favreau sniffing hummus to see if it was still good.
Time for a celebratory pretzel.
Rib-it, rib-it.
Who are you? Boba Fett on a job interview.
Well, begone.
I'm writing the perfect panel question.
Get out of here.
Oh, my god.
Oh, my god, I have it.
"Are superheroes America's new religion? And if so, shouldn't comic book profits be tax-free?" I will work for Marvel, and they will finally be successful.
Hey, good question.
Thank you, Professor X.
I'm not Professor X.
I am just a bald man in a wheelchair searching for his child.
- Hey, Lisa.
- Oh, hey, Blake.
This is where I eat when I want to be alone.
Uh, I don't want to be alone, though.
Um, want to share wasabi peas? They're really dry.
Are you a veggie? - Yes, I am.
- Me, too.
This is a BLT: bread, lettuce and tomato.
Hey, quit talking to my girlfriend.
I am not your girlfriend.
Right, right.
We're focused on career days and homework right now.
- But love has a way of - Get away from me.
Oh, my god, Lisa, we've become my parents.
Well, I just wanted to wish you good luck and, uh Ah, my favorite sound: silence.
See ya.
Okay, a little bigger than I thought.
Oh, boy, it's like Burning Man for nerds, although to be fair, Burning Man is also Burning Man for nerds.
Man, there's a lot of nerds.
Hello, Hall H.
Let's let out a roar they can hear in Asgard.
Question, isn't sound to Asgard blocked by the vacuum of space? Actually, sound is transmitted by Yggdrasil, the tree that connects the nine worlds of the cosmos.
But transmission doesn't come into it.
This has never not been true.
Have you ever read Thor? Wha-what? Whoa.
We have some of the greatest creators in the industry here.
Daniel Kim, Zoe Burwell, and David Z.
Cohen! Oh, my god, oh, my god, oh, my god, oh, my god! I've been blocked on twitter by all of them.
And now it's time for audience questions.
Yes.
Third position.
Time to prepare.
And just two steps to the mic.
It's perfect.
Um, I-I'd like to ask, how would someone like me get someone like you to-to look at my work? I'll look at your work.
Uh, actually, uh, I-I don't I don't have any work, per se.
Next.
Closer to me.
Closer to me.
Isn't it true that Superman represented the subconscious desire of creators Jerry Siegel and Joe Shuster to defeat the Nazi menace in 1938? Wow.
Wow.
I have never heard a question that good.
Oh, yes, yes, good question.
And I believe the answer is "a-doy.
" and now for the query that will blow them away.
Uh, uh, where's my question? Ha, did I use it as a napkin? No, I never use a napkin.
Ugh, where is it? - Next! - Um, uh Yes, my question is, um, uh Okay, I forgot my question.
Worst question ever.
No! Welcome to Marvel.
No.
We could offer you a job at DC.
Yes, hard pass.
Ugh.
Just when I thought this day could not get any worse.
Okay, the day you've been waiting for: chair challenges.
We begin with Ralph challenging for first triangle.
I'm halfway through.
Once again, first triangle will be an empty chair.
The better chair won.
Now, for first saxophone, Lisa Simpson.
Hey, vegetarian, I soaked your reed in hot dog water.
Ew, ew, ew.
Terrible.
Blake? Terrible, but better.
You're first chair.
You were playing me the whole time.
Don't you walk away from me.
Well, very soon, I will outplay you, my blues will be blue-ier, my "Baker Street" will be more baked, and I will get my chair back.
It may not be today, or tomorrow, because tomorrow we have a field trip, or two days after that because that's that's no school, but-but on the 11th.
Yeah, the 11th, it's mine, buddy.
That's the science fair.
Aah! Thanks for reminding me! Okay, audition for King of Cookie Castle, take one.
Okay, you got this, Phil.
Book it, book it good.
- We ready? - Off with their heads.
Off with their feet.
Grind the rest into a sugary treat.
Beautiful, you got the part.
Beautiful, you got the fart.
Hey, the kid's not bad.
We might have a part for him, too.
And if he improvises like that, I can fire the writers.
Read this, kid.
Eat my tights.
- You're hired.
- Wow.
Who knew it was so easy to become a working actor? - - Hmm.
Okay, everyone say one thing they did today.
I'll start.
I lost my half-cup measuring cup, so I used two quarter cups.
Crisis averted.
I booked a voice-over job, and the show airs tomorrow.
I thought animation took nine months.
No, you can do any cartoon in a day.
Anyone who takes longer is just trying to bleed the studio dry.
And this is what they're paying me.
That's baloney.
Anybody could fake a check from "Warner Bros.
Animation.
" no, it's legit.
I made more in a minute than you do in a month, fatso.
- Why, you little - Uhp-uhp-uhp.
Keep your hands off the moneymaker.
And don't look me in the voice.
Lisa, how was your day? Well, my life is in ruin, and I'm trying to think of some possible plan to rescue myself.
Plans are fine, but never underestimate the power of giving up.
Because if you think about it, see, uh, s-spontan Eh, forget it.
Coming up, Cookie Castle, introducing Bart Simpson.
Oh, I still think we all could have fit.
Now get a good look.
This is your last chance to see normal Bart before I become a star.
Then I'll be the guy who sells you out with a tell-all book.
Boo-yeah.
Yeah, go, Bart.
You got the "and" credit.
I negotiated that, in lieu of having a teacher on set.
Bam.
I kneel before you, Jules.
Rise, sir knight, and kiss the gentle hand of your sovereign.
You play a girl? Come on.
They didn't tell me that.
My place is in the scullery.
I thought "scullery" was where they kept the skulls.
Bart plays a girl, Bart plays a girl.
And his accent's inconsistent.
Bart? Go away.
No, I'm-I'm not gonna tease you.
I'm proud that my brother isn't bound by gender stereotypes or heteronormative thinking.
Ugh.
I hate the way your generation talks.
I have something to tell you.
Oh, don't tell me I'm nominated for an Annie Award.
- Those things are worthless.
- Much more important.
For my problem, there's no answer.
But what you're doing is brave, and it's a little dangerous, and you should be proud.
- Really? - That's right, my friend.
You should walk into school with your head held high.
All right, I will.
Hey, everyone, I'm Princess Jules and I'm proud.
Do you identify as "him" or "her?" - Him.
- Get him! Uh, y-you're not gonna yell at me? No.
I have lost my will to berate.
Aw, I'm sorry.
Ralph Wiggum feels sorry for me.
And farther still do I fall.
This will be here for me later.
Leave me alone.
Get out of here, you stupid kid.
You're like a Gollum with worse hair, a subcommittee meeting of the Galactic Senate, a Spider-Man drawn by John Romita Jr.
Jr.
Uh you fixed me.
- You fixed me.
- Yay! Let's see, where could I move? Toluca Lake.
Lot of voice-over work there.
It would be nice to fly in and out of Burbank.
Bart, turn on your show.
You mean the show that ruined my life? Just turn it on.
You're not a princess anymore.
You're a queen.
Majesty, the royal unicorn is waiting for your dainty bottom.
Aw, geez.
Whoa.
Who knew a princess could be badass? I'm gonna get a Queen Bart action figure.
Whoa.
The unicorn's killed every adult in sight.
From now on, hands off Bart.
What about me? I like the bullying.
It's a form of attention.
Also, hands off Milhouse.
No.
Well, I can't play to my abilities or in a stupid first chair, but I can still just play for the fun of it.
Beat it.
This is our turf.
Free pretzel? The greatest award I've ever won.
- - Still up there.
Although Dad ate the original pretzel.
Stick it on the tray.
- No.
- D'oh.
I'm addicted to playing for free.
Which is the least dangerous addiction a musician can have.
I want to like it.
I just don't.
If you could go back in time and not make one Hulk movie, which would it be and why? The most popular superheroes are Superman, Batman, Spider-Man, so I propose creating SuperSpiderBat.
Why do people who see Superman first think "It's a bird"? And why do they feel the need to say it out loud? "Look, it's a bird.
" I mean, who says that? Any note you can reach, I can go higher I can sing anything higher than you - No, you can't, no, you can't - Yes, I can - Yes, I can, yes, I can - No, you can't - No, you can't, no, you can't - Yes, I can - Yes, I can, yes, I can - No, you can't - No, you can't, no, you can't - Yes, I can - Yes, I can, yes, I can - No, you can't - No, you can't, no, you can't - Yes, I can - Yes, I can, yes, I can - No, you can't No, you can't, no, you can't, no, you can't! All right, I can't.
Big whoop.
Shh!