The Simpsons s32e09 Episode Script

1 Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas! Oh, stupid Flanders.
D'oh! Oh, thanks for bringing me up here, Dad.
It's magnificent.
Ugh, I could really use it after what happened today.
Aw, sweetie, are you still mad about that big dumb jerk at school? She's my teacher.
And her name is Miss Hoover.
It's unforgivable what she did.
What was it again? Breakfast! Here you go.
Melon?! Ugh.
Marge, no one dreams of waking up to the sounds of frying melon.
- Yeah, Marge.
- See? Your fruit breakfast has turned him into a first name user.
For once, could this family start the day with fruit instead of greasy animal fat? Even the dog is sweating grease.
He'll be back for breakfast and Oh, God! We got her! I think I've got the answer.
Mm-hmm.
Gravy up your fruit, boy? Look at me.
I'm eating healthy.
You win.
I'll make bacon.
Put away the gravy boat.
They say the best days of a gravy boat owner's life are the day you get it and the day you get rid of it.
No, Bart, stop! This is my mobile for my "Who Inspires You?" project.
Let me guess: it's gravity.
The ultimate suck-up.
Can't spell "gravity" without "gravy.
" Have some more.
The subject I have chosen for my mobile is this lady.
Ta-da! Of course.
Yes.
Her.
Absolutely.
The woman who lives at the center of the Earth.
It's Gladys West, the mathematician whose work in satellite geodesy helped create GPS.
GPS.
The invention that killed the "I got lost" excuse.
- - Oh, gee, I'm sorry, Marge.
I just can't find the restaurant for your sisters' birthday.
Your destination is 60 feet ahead.
Shut up.
40 feet ahead.
Shut up! 20 feet ahead.
Just what I need: another woman who's always right.
You have now arrived at Lovely Ladies Cigar Lounge.
You'll be cutting and serving the us-shaped cake.
Who wants a thigh? Curse you, Gladys West! Dad, please! This mobile could be my ticket into Yale.
Another Bush kid.
Another Bush kid.
How about this girl? Her grades and test scores are superb.
She's got boola.
But does she have "Boola Boola"? What about this mobile she did in the second grade? Accept.
Full ride.
Boola Boola, Boola Boola Ah, wha how did I get here? They say it's dangerous to wake up someone who's dreaming of Yale.
Well, just so I'm covered, let me dream of a safety school.
UMass Amherst.
UMass Amherst.
Is Miss Hoover out sick? No, I'm in sick.
I sprained a disc in my back.
It feels like I'm passing a kidney stone while giving birth.
I say "excuse me" when I give burps.
Not the same, Ralph.
Fortunately, my new Teaching With Stylus tablet lets me run the classroom from any position.
- Let's get inspired.
- You might think "German chocolate cake" originated in Germany, but nein.
Actually, it was invented by an American mill worker named Samuel German.
I'm from America but my measles are German.
I'm inspired by The Masked Singer and It doesn't come off.
Help! Help! Help! I know these presentations are boring and everyone hates them, so - You're gonna stop? - Better.
I'm gonna rap.
Ah-ha-ha-ha, Gladys West, Gladys West If you don't know where you're goin' She'll make sure your car don't get a towin' Satellite telemetry, should've been in ebony When it comes to geodesy, she's got mad skills - Like Yeezy - We're giving props to Gladys West We're giving props 'Cause she's the best - Lisa.
- Doo-doo-doo-doo Doo-doo-doo Lisa, you're over your two-minute limit.
Doo-doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo That's enough.
Ralph, you're up.
My hero is my thumb.
It has its own room in my mittens.
Thank you.
Okay.
That's it.
Now put the supplements to your reports on my desk.
Give me a sec to post the grades.
A B-minus? No, no.
This can't be right.
This can't be right.
The same grade as Ralph?! Sorry, Ralph, no offense.
There's "a fence" around my bed so I don't steal things from Daddy's squad car again.
Chief, did you tell Snake he could have jail outside today? - 'Cause that's what he's saying.
- Leave me alone.
Listen, Miss "took too long on her presentation," it's not only right, it's easy with my "Select All" B-minus option.
Miss Hoover, this is so unfair.
I come here every day eager to learn and you just put me down and complain about your job.
In the end, what are you? You're just somebody who works off a formula that leaves no room for passion, individual effort, or the process of learning itself.
- Mm.
- In other words, you're an uninspiring hack! Apologize immediately.
No.
I told the truth.
The truth has no place in this classroom.
Lisa, go to detention.
Detention.
Detention.
Detention.
One pencil with nervous teeth marks.
One spelling bee winner's ribbon, faded.
One quarter ounce of marijuana.
Those are pencil shavings.
Willie's water pipe will be the judge of that.
Look at those arms.
Blank canvas for a Sharpie tattoo.
Um, I'm actually a vegetarian.
Okay, how do you feel about beets? Ooh, is this one of those questions that sets me up to get punched? Only one way to find out.
Yeah, tell us your opinion of beets.
Leave her alone, you jackals.
This is the largest stink bomb they make.
So powerful it could only be developed by a scientist without a nose.
How did he know it worked? He smelled it with his ears.
- Whoa.
- Uh-oh.
- Oh.
And that girl's with me.
Whoa! Well, well, well.
Together at last.
I didn't do anything wrong.
Miss Hoover should be in detention, not me.
There is a detention for teachers.
It's called being a teacher.
Now, let me show you my world.
Lots of gangs will recruit you: The Magnificent Seven-Year-Olds.
Tardy Incorporated.
Hell's Angles.
My greatest weapon is inside my head.
My mucus.
Ms.
Timberwood! In here, she doesn't know you.
She used to call me Sunshine.
I call all the girls Sunshine.
I call all the boys Joe Cool.
Oh, you said I was the only Joe Cool! That's actually lavender, so, thank you.
! Ay caramba! No! No dinner for me.
I'm too miserable to eat again.
This is pretty rough on me, too.
Please pull the covers off.
No, I don't want to live in the world above the covers.
I worked so hard on my mobile.
I know.
And Miss Hoover wasn't very nice.
Thank you, Mom.
But you weren't very nice, either.
What?! Hey, are we camping out here? Because I have a great campfire story.
About a man betrayed by his own hand.
What the? Oh, oh, my God, it's you! - Homer.
- Yes, Marge.
I was going to encourage Lisa to apologize.
But I shouldn't have to.
Women say "I'm sorry" constantly because men make us feel like we have to apologize for existing while they do whatever they like.
Yo.
Milhouse is sleepin' over.
- Awesome.
- Huh? - Wah! - Ready to apologize, Lisa? We both know what's at stake here.
Not so fast, Lisa.
You didn't apologize to your second grade teacher, and all we do at Yale is apologize.
Sorry, sorry, sorry Please excuse our quirks Quirks, quirks, quirks Won't you kindly listen To us rich male jerks? We sing for free.
Okay, Lisa, your future is in my hands.
I'm-I'm not sorry! I'm just glad I won't have you next year as a teacher.
I might just move to third grade to torment you.
That would be a real hack move.
Ugh! Freshen it up.
- - Love it.
Personally, I never say I'm sorry.
I say "I'm soggy.
" Teachers hear what they want.
Bart Simpson, did you glue these recorders together? Soggy.
- Forgiven.
- And Willie can use it to whack the hornets' nests.
Yeah, come on and fight me like a man.
Uh, which one of you does the negotiating? Miss Hoover? In reference to our recent difficulty, I would just like to say I'm soggy.
Did you just say "I'm soggy"? In addition to a hack, you must think I'm a fool.
Double detention.
Who's soggy now? And that counts as your music education for the semester.
Feels kind of funny driving you home from detention.
Yeah, well, it's gonna take me a few minutes to get used to being on the outside.
Honey, play the ad I forwarded you.
Having trouble with a relationship? Come to the Springfield Education Annex.
We'll teach you how to communicate honestly, how to lie convincingly, and how to apologize and mostly mean it.
Apologize? Springfield Education Annex, located in the third abandoned mall on Route One.
Don't park at the Greek church across the street.
We're in a feud with them.
There's nothing orthodox about how fast they tow.
- - So, when apologizing from your heart, saying sorry allows the healing process to begin.
- Sorry I'm late.
- What?! - She's sorry? Yeah, I've heard that one a lot.
Well, I don't mind saying I'm sorry when it's appropriate.
Appropriate.
Never heard of that word.
I know "inappropriate.
" - True.
So true.
- Oh, yes, yes.
Now, to truly apologize, I find it helps to look at the world from the other person's perspective.
Now, repeat after me.
I will not judge someone until I walk a mile in their shoes.
I will not judge someone until I walk a mile in their shoes.
Well, what's the matter with the rest of you? Walk a mile? Please.
Like, over how many years? Huh? Miss Hoover takes the bus.
I didn't know that.
Actually, she takes two buses.
Then she walks half a mile down a train track, swings across a drainage ditch and rides a piece of cardboard down a hill to help her back.
- Oh, that's terrible.
- I guess.
You learn a lot of sad things when you sell weed to teachers.
Make it a double.
I'll be in the ball shed.
- Excuse me, are you Jennifer Aniston? - No.
That's exactly what Jennifer Aniston would say.
Oh Dear Lord, please grant me this winner.
I lost.
And my quarter broke.
Gee.
Aw.
Yeah, I'm the super.
What are you doing here? Uh, I'm one of Miss Hoover's students, and I just want to understand her life.
All right, come on in.
How can I say no to a sweet face like yours, huh? Yeah, um, I have some business in 12-A.
Yeah, how can I say no to a sweet face like yours? Here, Hemsworth, come cuddle.
I'm so alone.
Just don't eat me when I die.
Is someone at the door? I-I can't turn my head.
There's a great blues song in here, but I don't know what it is.
Don't you drag us into your problems.
Dad, I'm ready to say I'm sorry, but now it's not enough.
Lisa, you just gotta be sincere.
If you have a disagreement with another driver, you simply say, "I'm sorry.
Please go ahead.
" Then you follow 'em home and you pee in their gas tank.
You pee in there! Just can't say "I'm sorry.
" Does that remind you of anyone, Carl? Oh, God, not this again.
I have nothing to apologize for.
You had 20 years to watch The Sixth Sense.
That's beyond the spoiler window.
Oh, so it's okay for me to tell you that the Lady Gaga Star is Born is exactly the same as all the other Star is Borns? I'll kill you.
I'll kill you! Goodbye, college fund.
You were gonna pay for my mini fridge.
I need to put a down payment on something for someone I really owe an apology to.
A framed movie poster for The Three Amigos? It's better than you remember.
- No.
- All right, how about school supplies? I got a Scottish guy who sells 'em to me every week.
Hi, Willie.
Uh, uh, yo no hablo English.
Ach, the English.
How I hate those wankers.
Shh, shh, shh.
She's coming.
She's coming.
- Have a seat.
Top of the line.
- Oh I can see your faces again.
And now my favorite.
The ceiling.
Miss Hoover, I'm sorry I made your life harder, and I hope this chair makes it easier.
Well, I don't accept your apology.
- What? - What am I supposed to do after you called me a hack? In retrospect, I might have been wrong.
The sad truth is apologies can come too late to do any good.
Congratulations, you just learned something from my class.
I guess what you've learned is teachers shouldn't get tenure.
There has to be a better lesson from this.
There has to.
You've planted a seed, sweetie.
- The seed will grow.
- Amen.
Why is everyone on the roof? I know you're in there.
I'm old, but I'm not dead.
Or is it the other way around? What does this do? Oh, that's a surprise.
Really quite nice.
Oh, yeah.
Miss Hoover, I've been thinking, and no offense, but I bought you a chair.
And that's really hard for an eight-year-old.
- All is forgiven.
- How forgiven? B-plus.
I'll take it.
Can I get a B-plus, too? - Sure.
- D'oh.
- I'm soggy.
- Listen, boy.
I'm on to you.
I know you're saying "soggy," - not "sorry.
" Mm.
- You're right, you're right.
I completely apolo-cheese.
- What? - I beg your par-ton.
- Come again? - Guilty as Marged.
I'll accept that.
- Soggy.
- Enough already.
- - Lisa's at Yale She'll never fail She's got a huge college debt Debt, debt Please, I'm trying to study! Then go to Brown.
Um, can I have the book back? It cost $200.
Now to dream of being a World War I flying ace.
Shh!