The Simpsons s32e14 Episode Script

1 Happy birthday, dear Carl Happy birthday to you And Lenny More Carl, for your birthday, I oiled your barstool.
- Y'ello.
- It's me, Homer.
Marge, I'm so sorry I'm still here.
It's just, it's Carl's birthday.
Right.
It's Carl's birthday.
Then it's Lenny's half birthday.
Then it's Canadian Thanksgiving.
Don't forget Tu BiShvat, the Jewish Arbor Day.
Just don't drive home drunk, Homer.
I'm serious.
Sometimes there's advantages to living and dying alone.
I could drive off a cliff, free as a bird.
I'm heading home now.
- Moe, take my keys.
- Yeah, you got it, pal.
I'll keep 'em safe till you're sober.
Make me two sets of these and get 'em to me by closing time.
Homer, Homer, let-let me call you an Uber.
Are you, uh Homer? Geez, you're better off walking.
Take me to Moe's.
Hey.
We're here.
You're good.
Five stars.
There's liquor on my brain I'm peeing in the drain What a glorious feeling I'm blotto again - I'm talking too loud - Being friendly with Kirk There's no way in hell I'll be ready for work.
We have other cops in this town? Marge, um, you see, there's a little hitch.
I'm in jail I knew it.
I knew you'd screw up.
I wasn't driving.
I was walking.
I wasn't a danger, just a disgrace.
Don't come home tonight.
- But - Just don't.
I always thought that rock bottom would feel more fun.
Well, sometimes when you're at rock bottom, anywhere you look, you can see the stars.
- Cletus! - Hiya, friend.
What you said is very wise.
Well, I went to M.
I.
T.
T.
The Mississippi Institute of Trailer Trash.
Go, Book Burners.
What are you in for? Oh, cops don't respect us hill folk.
Every three months, they shut down my still and take the hooch.
Hey, this moonshine made me go blind! Oh, wait, my hat's just over my eyes.
Oh, wait.
I am blind.
At least your wife's not mad at you.
Aw, well.
Hey, Officer! This prison got itself a guitar? Of course.
Yeah, I prefer acoustic.
Well, since neither of us can be home tonight, let me bring home to us.
I had all the wealth that a man could want A wife and some kids Who love me Apple blossoms And tasty possums And the good Lord Up above me Fort Knox don't compare To what we got there 'Cause our home is where My gold is.
Yes, it is.
Officer Lou, does this jail have a self-reflection mirror? Here you go.
I got to be a better man.
For Marge and the kids and Grampa and the dog.
Don't you have a cat? Screw the cat.
Kids? Wake up.
I've got something important to say.
Now, I've got a confession to make.
Your father spent last night in the drunk tank.
- Pay up, Lis.
- Oh, why do I keep betting on "working late to pay for my college"? Well, from now on, put your money on "comes home and sets a perfect example.
" Good morning, Homer.
Young man, stand up when a lady enters the room.
Especially a fine woman like your ma.
You still pickled? On your feet, boy! Gee, thank you, Homie.
I'm a changed man, Marge.
Now, let us join hands in prayer.
Are we gonna get food after? - No.
- Did somebody croak? - No.
- Did you buy a Powerball ticket? I just want to say a lousy prayer, okay?! Lord, we humbly ask you to bless this family and keep us mindful to care one for the other.
- Amen.
- Amen.
Sweetie, what's gotten into you? I'm a new, better man, thanks to Cletus.
Huh.
You know what? I believe you.
And that was that.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
We ain't done.
We got two more acts.
And a "whittled by" credit.
Hi, Homie.
Remember anything from last night? I remember I'm a better man.
It stuck! I don't forget important things.
Where the hell's my car? Just once, I wanted to feel like a man who owned a car.
Marge, kids, this is the man that turned me around.
What, this goober? No, my wife's family is Goobers.
I come from a long line of No-Accounts.
I woke from my dreamin' With my love, Brandine The gal I got pregnant When we was 16.
Aw.
No one sweet-talks me like you, goat lips.
Cletus, you changed my life.
How would you like for me to change yours? You ain't pitchin' me on a pyramid scheme, is you? 'Cause if so, I'm in.
No, no, no.
The world's got to hear what you've got to say.
Well, I'll be daggadoobedubbit.
Why'd you bring me to a parking lot? Hey, if it's to find baby names, I already gots Camry, Festiva, Compact Only and Denver Boot.
No, no, no.
We're gonna start your singing career right here.
S-Singing career? If you can reach an audience the way you reached me Did you ever see A Star Is Born with Bradley Cooper and Lady Gaga? - No.
- How about with Barbra Streisand and Kris Kristofferson? - No, sir.
- James Mason and Judy Garland? Oh, no.
Just What Price Hollywood? with Constance Bennett and Lowell Sherman, upon which A Star Is Born is based.
Whatever.
I can make you a star.
My pappy's gon' manage you.
Whoa diggity! Your future's brighter than a polecat in a henhouse.
Hey, if you're gonna speak hillbilly, practice your enuncification.
Use your adverbs proper-like, dad gummitly.
- Yes'm.
- We's powerful sorry.
Well, I do need to find a way to make a living, since Wiggum shut me down.
And I swore I would never go back to retail which means putting tails back on animals.
You got any experience? I once managed a beautiful woman who was not my wife.
It ended the way you'd expect.
12 gold records.
But I promise I'll always shoot straight with you, unless we're actually using real guns.
In which case I always blast randomly in a circle.
Do we have a deal? Whoa, not so fast there.
Show business has screwed up a lot of country folk, from Elvis to Britney.
And Mister Ed.
Did you know that he was a heroin addict? A horse on horse? Of course, of course.
Look, I'll do the dirty work.
Now, here's the standard contract.
Hmm.
Well, let me just give this a quick gander.
Come here, gander.
Okay, yeah, all right.
We got a deal.
- Mm-hmm.
- Homie, should our kids be here this late? I'm a family man now.
And a family man does things with his family.
- I have math homework.
- Do it at the bar.
Okay, let's see.
I've got to draw a perfect circle.
There you go.
Th-Thank you.
Uh, follow me, boys.
A-one and a-two, and a-one and a-two and a Three? When did that happen? Out in the country They ain't no nine-to-five We don't get promoted It's a fight to stay alive We lean on our family When times is gettin' hard We're broke and we're dirty And we ain't too smart, mm But hey, hey Here's what I got to say You can keep your mansions And you can keep your yachts I ain't needin' nothin' 'cept for everything I gots And I thank the Lord for that That's me.
When I count my blessings every night Got my wife and my kids and a belly full of ribs Lord up above and a whole lot of love Wife and my kids and a belly full of ribs And I thank the Lord above.
#RisingStar.
#FleetwoodHick.
#KanyeWestVirginia.
#YokelOno.
#OkefenokeeKaraoke.
And send.
Ah, Elin, I thought I'd find you dancing.
Yes, I'm exactly as I seem.
- Well, I - Quiet! Someone's getting clicks.
Our next guest is from America's heartland.
Up-bup-bup! Not on my white furniture, please.
Not loud enough! Not loud enough! Don't make me make you dance! Get me a new audience.
Howdy do, Elin? You sure do look different in person than you do in them Finding Nemo movies.
You know, Cletus, I've heard your fans will do anything you say.
Oh, that can't be true.
- Try it.
- Nah, go on.
It's my show.
Do as I say.
Well, Elin, we got ourselves a police chief in our town by the name of Wiggum.
Now, I ain't got nothing agin him, mind you, but if you is my fans, here's what I want you to do to him.
Something is going on here.
Something weird.
- Okay, help.
Police! - Never a cop around when you need one.
Well, I want to thank you, my friend.
You changed my life.
I was nothing but a zero when I met you, but now I'm ten times that.
Come here, you.
Homer, stand up.
I want you to know that I'm firing you and I'm replacing you with a professional.
Aw, nothing ever good happens when you talk to the person sitting next to you on an airplane.
Uh, Homer, this here is a feller what wants to be my new manager.
- And you're letting him? - Yeah, I don't know why.
There's just, there's something about him, you know? Cletus, Cletus.
Listen to how I say this.
It's something everyone says, but when I say it, you will never hear it like this as long as you live.
I make it very special.
How are you? Ooh, I just got goose bumps.
Say it again.
No.
Listen to me.
I love you.
I am in love with you.
This is real.
Once you sign with me, you can call me up at 3:00 in the morning I won't be mad.
I'll say, "What's wrong, boobie? I love you.
" I can't believe you're thinking of signing with him.
The way you changed my life when we were in jail? That means nothing to you? My friend, what happens in jail stays in jail.
Unless it's breaking out of jail.
Well, all I have to offer is my friendship and the fact that you wouldn't be here if not for me.
That's your closer? That's pitiful.
I don't love you.
Here's my closer.
Spuckman! Duffman? Now I'm Spuckman.
Because Duff replaced me with a hard-partying cat.
Me-ow! Clifford, we're gonna market your dreck as "Spuckler Family Moonshine," internationally.
We'll say it's made by people who actually wash their hands voluntarily, not 'cause of some sign.
Hey, man, mine's all brewed from pure mountain water from out behind the DuPont factory.
I'm going to assume that's a joke.
But fun's for another time.
We're gonna make you bigger than Campbell's Soup.
Not tomato or chicken noodle.
That would be impossible.
But there's one of them where they put in potatoes.
We'll make you bigger than that.
Now, why don't you pick one of these Hollywood actresses to play your wife in the commercial? Anyone you want.
Just pick.
Oh, I like this one.
Oh, she'll never work with you.
Pick an ugly one.
Well, what about Brandine? Aw, she'll always be my first love and second cousin.
Well, this was a very good meeting.
And welcome to UPM.
Here's a blank page sign it.
We'll fill in the rest.
Give me a hug.
No, that's not a hug.
A Hollywood hug.
Get him off.
Get him off! And now your picture goes up on our wall of fame.
Bert and Ernie? I don't even think they're living.
Hey, IMDb Bert and Ernie, will you? Do puppets die? Hey, why does the Pope have no merchandise? Can't we come up with a little doohickey you put on your desk that blows a colored smoke when you're picked for something? Everything he taught me was a lie.
Maybe, but think what you became.
A better husband.
A better father.
You can still be one.
Nah.
Hmm.
Why are my eyes burnin'? I'm just whippin' up another batch of my homemade family brew.
Let my longtime corporate mascot tell you all about it.
Spuckler Family Moonshine.
Lovingly distilled in the heart of America.
Spuckler Family Moonshine is distilled in Finland.
Not a single American was employed in its manufacture.
You have to help him get back to his family.
Forget it.
I'm through with those slack-jawed, no-account examples of America at its finest.
He was a great man until you ruint him.
With your promises of short underwear and professional haircuts.
You think you can play God, wreck my life, and then just walk away? First of all, I wasn't playing God.
I was doing an original character.
Don't worry, we'll fix this.
I don't know how, but we will.
Unless Homer decides to disregard my wishes completely.
Hmm.
Don't take time! All right.
What the? Aw, I thought we was quits.
Listen, pal, you've ruined your life.
You haven't just watched A Star Is Born, you're living it.
No, man.
A Star Is Born is about a star who fades and then kills hisself.
This here is much more like a nice guy who's seduced by power, as in Elia Kazan's A Face in the Crowd.
Dang, that's a good'un.
How do you know so much about movies? Oh, well, Brandine and I once squatted inside an abandoned Blockbuster.
That's where we conceived our twins: Be Kind and Rewind.
Forget that.
You got to go back home where you belong.
Also, you owe me $27,000.
Yeah, I'm afraid I donated that to a children's hospital.
You monster! Look, Cletus, this isn't you.
What about your family? Well, my family now is Carrie Underwood, Taylor Swift and all of them Mumfords.
And everyone in BTS, except for Jungkook.
He's too pretty for my tastes.
Cletus, just answer me one thing: after a long day of yokeling, don't you miss coming home to a woman who thinks you're the most important thing on God's green Earth? Well, uh, now that you mention it.
Then sit by my side If you love me No, no, no, no, no more singin'! Not even talk singin'! Which is hardly singin' at all, Mr.
Lin-Manuel Miranda.
Oh, Gummy Sue Jitney, Uber Black, Normal Head Joe, Disney Plus, oh, HBO Max, CBS All Access! Oh, man, they's all so beautiful.
I'm goin' back to my family! Cancel my tour dates! Burn my masters! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, let's not get crazy.
You saved my life, Homer.
And then you ruined it, and then you saved it again.
And for that, I am forever neutral.
Listen to how I say this.
It's something everybody says, but I say it better than anybody else.
How are you? Well, I don't Don't talk.
Just listen.
You're gonna be a brand.
I want to tell your stories.
Tell me your story.
Not the person they see on the court.
Well, my family didn't have much money, and Daddy used to That is so relatable.
Not to me.
I'm rich.
But, God, I always wanted to live in poverty.
Now, all I ask is 15% of your earnings for life.
Not your whole life.
After 80, it's all yours.
And when you retire, you're gonna get a Netflix special.
Actually, everybody gets a Netflix special.
Why do they even call them that? They should call them Netflix normals.
You want a Netflix normal? We'll get it for you.
You want the Obamas to produce? You got it.
Not Barack or Michelle that's impossible.
Check on Malia, please! Malia.
No, it's not a country! Can I just say? You don't have to talk.
Not unless you're getting paid a million dollars a word.
And some of those words can be "a" or "the.
" Listen, never say "won't" again.
Say "will not.
" 'Cause that's $2 million.
That's a Bentley.
Have you ever been interested in a roofing company? You're very tall.
You're much closer to roofs than most people.
How about this? I can book you as a freak in a monster movie.
Or a dinosaur.
You're as big as a small dinosaur.
We're trying to develop an animated musical about the dinosaurs that survived the comet.
You could play a small dinosaur.
You jump out from a tree.
You sing a song.
We've already got one written.
It's called "I'm Still Here.
" Am I, am I reaching you? Just sign already.
Okay.
Looking for the next musical superstar here.
Uh, Barney, see what you can do with this piccolo.
Lady, you look like a cellist to me.
Forget that.
Jailbird, what about you? Um, I play the hacksaw.
Hacksaw.
Hacksaw.
- Ah, here you go.
- All right! Uh, my first number is "We've Gotta Get Out of This Place.
" I love it! Let me hear that sweet, sweet sound.
Ah, that is some beautiful hacksawing.
Ah, yeah.
Soothing.
Ooh! Soon, I'm gonna be doing some sawing myself.
Ah, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Shh!