The Simpsons s32e18 Episode Script

1 D'oh.
D'oh.
Here's the story Of a fat cat That no one Really liked His name is Monty He's an old rat, ha.
And he's sleepin' Bad tonight.
Everybody hates me.
Sir, your personal chef is here with your breakfast.
Voilà.
One raisin, wrinkles ironed and smoothed, with one molecule of sugar.
Too sharp.
It could cut me to ribbons.
Release the hounds.
No, you need a wine pairing.
Cabernet, to bring out my earthiness.
Cordon bleu! Smithers, I need real food.
Something that'll stick to my rib.
What is that delicious smell? Um, uh, this is my lunch.
My wife just gave me a salad, but she said I could choose my own dressing, so I picked this hamburger.
Hmm.
Seems to be some sort of meat with a slice of James Lewis Kraft's confectionary cheese on top and a kind of catsup blended with a well-naised egg in the style of Mayon.
I'll never let go.
I must have more of these, uh What do you call them? Hamburgers.
You're eating people from Hamburg? I don't know.
Maybe.
Mmm.
Sir, uh, we need to be cautious about this.
It's not healthy for a man to double his weight within a day.
Triple! No! My heart! This could be my last moment on Earth.
If so, fire someone and let me watch.
Someone who just bought a house.
Smithers.
Oh, thank God you're alive.
And famished.
Do they serve burgers in this joint? No, sir.
Eating meat could kill you.
Eh, no one lives forever.
Except Dick Cheney.
What's his deal? Sir, you nearly died.
I nearly died? How was the reaction? Well, when they heard you were dying He's alive.
Aw.
People don't like me.
They really don't.
Why? You've released the hounds on nearly everyone in town, sir.
Everyone loves dogs, Smithers.
It must be something else.
Um, if you're ready, come.
- The cue will be "life.
" - Hmm.
Smithers, this means that no one will mourn me when I'm gone.
My only legacy will be the extra radiation on every drop of water on Earth.
- Don't give up, sir.
- No, I give up.
Don't give up.
- I give up.
- Don't give up.
I give up.
- Don't give up.
- Seriously, I give up.
Will you listen to me for one minute? Sir, I figured out a way to add to your legacy and extend your life.
The professor here has used exotic plants to develop what I think is the healthiest, tastiest meatless burger ever.
You could eat as many as you want and we can sell them at a profit.
- Aw.
- Not here.
Not here, please.
I've told you about this.
Oh, do you know how Edison felt on that incredible, magical night? When he invented the light bulb? No.
The electric chair.
That's how I feel now.
Smithers, this could change my legacy.
People have to like the person who made them live longer.
They have to.
What are you saying, sir? I'm going to make it to what I never thought possible: beloved after death.
Look at me, world.
We'll do a sneak preview of your burger chain and then a grand opening of a thousand stores across the country.
Now all we need is a name.
Excellent.
You've done it again, sir.
We're here to cover the sneak preview of our new sponsor, X-Cell-Ent Burger.
I I'm just getting word Springfield Dam has ruptured and water is roaring down.
We'll let the, uh, sad news cover that.
I'm here live at Aah! He was a good reporter, great parking spot.
Uh, but let's move on from grief to beef.
The first paying customer to taste the X-Cell-Ent Burger will be Number 43.
- Aw.
- That's me.
But I warn you, I've had every plant-based meat ever made: Phony Baloney, Not Wurst, Faux Foie Gras, Corned Beets On Rye, and Ghost Beef.
Good luck pleasing me.
So, what do you think? It tastes great! And no animal has passed gas in its making.
This burger might just save the world.
Oh.
Oh.
Thank you.
Thank you.
You're letting me cut the line? Oh, thank you.
I don't have to cook.
I can finally teach Maggie to talk.
Thank you.
Thank you, thank you.
Mm, mm.
Praise, praise something I've craved since I was a little boy.
I drew this picture of you hugging me, Mummy.
I don't like art that lies.
Oh, and by the way, your father's dead.
There's just one more thing we need.
A spokesman.
If we find a regular slob who loves it, we can start a chain reaction.
Just like, uh, ooh Nuclear fission? Is that how that works? Really? Heh.
Now to find our slob.
My card.
Smithers, keep your nods to yourself.
Yes, sir.
Since we're using a green screen, do I have to be this high up? - We need the chance of death.
- Before we film, we need you to sign this contract stating that what you publicly say about our product is limited to certain catchphrases.
Approved phrases limited to "yes ve-gan," "I guaran-tree it," "abso-lettuce," and the "meat beater.
" Every one of those has two meanings.
Your ad guys are geniuses.
If I could be a fly on the wall Uh-oh.
My kids! Oh, I got to put all these kids through garbage? Now, listen, if you break this contract, we'll release the hounds, who will bite you here, here, here and here.
And here in triplicate.
Okay, Homer, let's try a take.
Action.
They say I'm eating healthy.
They say I'm saving the planet.
But here's my secret: it tastes like it was scared to die.
The X-Cell-Ent Burger coming soon to a location near you.
The fate of the world is in your mouth.
With all these commercials, I'm afraid your father's going to need bigger pants.
Alexa, do you have any X-X-X-X- X-X-X-XL in stock? I found XLN stock.
How much would you like to buy? Um, I-I don't know.
How's ten pairs? Submitting order for a thousand shares of XLN stock.
Please confirm.
- Confirm? - Ignoring question mark.
Buy order executed.
Oh, no.
Maggie.
I accidentally bought X-Cell-Ent Burger stock.
Alexa, sell those stocks.
Ordering yellow socks.
You get everything wrong.
We'll switch to Siri.
Siri enabled.
You sound like Alexa.
Oh.
X-Cell-Ent Burger.
Well, they seem to be succeeding.
But I'd feel awful if the stock went Up? It just went up.
We made money! Seven hundred dollars! What I could buy with that money.
Now it's down.
Down $200.
Up again.
Down again.
The grand opening's in a week, sir, and the reviews couldn't be better.
- - Hmm.
Smithers, I'm a hero.
Like that guy who landed the plane safely.
Sully Sullenberger? No, no, no, no.
Rudolf Hess.
Smithers, a toast.
On it, sir.
I think you've had enough, sir.
Yes.
Yes.
I'll I'll sleep it off.
If it goes up another ten cents, we're a thousand dollars ahead.
We've never been a thousand dollars ahead.
Never.
Ooh Tonight on Smartline: The Burger Wars.
They won't give me a raise, but they can blow the bank on graphics like that.
Leading up to its national rollout, X-Cell-Ent Burger's success is destroying its competitors, who are trying to overcome a terrific new product with desperate publicity stunts.
Attempting to piggyback on Burger King's success by changing its name during Pride Month to "Burger Queer," Krusty has introduced his own product: the L.
G.
B.
T.
Q.
B.
L.
T.
How could a ploy this cynical and shameless fail? Mel, you're three of those letters.
Where did I go wrong? Your product is inferior.
Your marketing is offensive.
And you have more ex-wives than franchise locations.
What happened to kiss-ass Mel who was afraid of my shadow? I joined an empowerment group with the monkey and the cue card guy.
Aw, geez.
My hero's a loser.
Mr.
Burns is gonna drive Krusty out of business, unless we stop him.
No.
Burns is doing something good.
I know it in my gut.
The Earth is on his side.
Thank you.
I love you all.
Disperse them before we get back.
Rubber bullets, if necessary.
It's so wonderful to be be-liked.
Finally, I can join the club that rejected me so many times.
Welcome, welcome.
All the other beloved billionaires are here.
There's Warren Buffet, there's Bill Gates, and that's it.
Mark Zuckerberg, you get out of here.
No! You can't threaten me.
I know all about you.
You're currently single, you haven't been poked in five years, and I love those pictures from your vacation to Baja, where we both know your boyfriend dumped you.
Those were set to private.
Right.
"Private.
" I think I know what Burns is up to.
His so-called vegan burgers contain wait for it.
- Are you waiting? - Mm-hmm.
Here it is: meat.
What are you saying? All this time I've been eating meat?! Aah! Ew, ah, ah! Oh, no, that's why I grew an inch.
Just a theory.
Do you believe that? No.
I just wanted the rest of your burger.
I don't want to see what's inside.
Nerd.
Mm-hmm.
Yep.
Just as I thought.
He's using plants.
Aw, crap.
Not meat.
Burns is doing the right thing.
This is kind of scary, like putting on a wet bathing suit.
Wait a minute.
Those plants look unusual.
They're all endangered plants from the Amazon rainforest.
We have to tell Burns.
He already knows.
He's evil.
No.
I refuse to believe that someone can't change for the better, even though I can't think of a single example of that ever happening.
- Mr.
Burns? - Yes, children.
What do you want? Um, we came to tell you something that's maybe a little hard to hear.
- Mm? - Uh-huh.
I'm sorry to have to inform you that your attempt to do good is doing very, very bad.
Leave me alone.
Oh, for God's sake.
- Finally.
- Mr.
Burns.
Release the hounds.
You mean these hounds? Let's be clear, young lady.
I'm not going to listen to you.
I'm never going to listen to you, and I have sophisticated technology to ensure that happens.
Buy, buy, buy! Then, when you hear a rumor of trouble, sell before anyone else! I'll be out of here in four months! Oh, what happened to you? Come over here.
What is it, baby? We have to think of a way to shut X-Cell-Ent Burger down.
But what about the shareholders? What? Sharehol Ew.
Ew, ew, ew! No, no, no! More money for Marge.
Oh! Oh! - Dad, you're my last hope.
- Mm? Tomorrow's the national launch.
If X-Cell-Ent Burger succeeds, by the year 2080, the entire Amazon I'm talking the lungs of the planet will be gone.
Lisa, I'm sorry to put it on you, but every generation has its to-do list.
Yours is putting Miami on stilts, inventing new bees, and learning to peacefully live with fire tornadoes.
You're not gonna help fight Burns? I've learned one thing in life: don't bite the bony, withered claw that feeds you, even if there's delicious marrow inside.
What was this about again? You won't help save the Earth.
No, I won't.
I don't know how you sleep at night.
I sleep fine, little lady! Cheesy McMayor! Jack in the Bag! Guys, my company is doing something bad.
Should I tell the world? Look what eating only my own food has done to me.
Look at me! You're a spokesman For a franchise That's clear-cutting Left and right You have sold out All your values I won't let you Sleep tonight.
Once again, dreams have taught me more than all the books ever written.
I know what I have to do.
What's going on? Why is everyone baring - their teeth at me? - They're smiling, sir.
They can't wait to see you.
Oh.
Uh, just so I know, to be considered good I now have to continue doing good things? - Yes.
- Ah.
That's why Jesus retired at 33, without a fast-food franchise to his name, except maybe Chick-fil-A.
Well, let's get on with my ascension into sainthood, Smithers.
I'm gonna bring them down.
Are you sure? Think of the shareholders.
- For once, I say damn the shareholders.
- Mm Simpson.
After the announcement, there will be questions from the audience, but like our burgers, the questioners will be entirely made up of plants.
I'm ready.
And you do remember your non-disclosure agreement? I believe it said something to the effect of I was limited to certain words and phrases, and I couldn't make obscene gestures with my hands.
Or - Crotch.
- Excellent.
Excellent.
Mr.
Simpson will now take questions.
Yes.
The little girl in the mustache.
Thank you, sir.
Is it true that X-Cell-Ent Burgers are made of plants from the rainforest? Abso-lettuce.
Uh-huh.
And what are the chances that your product will help lead to the destruction of the planet? I guaran-tree it.
Using legal loopholes to tell us the truth.
A supersize admission in the burger wars.
Have we been fed an order of lies, or worse curly lies? Good God, I'm hungry.
I did it again.
I won by doing nothing.
That's my hero.
Always will be.
Round up some more donkeys.
We're in the burger business again.
Mom, I'm so conflicted.
You're conflicted? I feel like someone who knew a stock was about to crash, sold it before that happened, and kept a thousand dollars.
What are you saying? Nothing.
Nothing, nothing.
This is the time he really needs you to look at him.
- Sir.
You're happy.
- Yes.
Because I'm no longer crushed by morality.
I gave it a nice go almost a full month but in the end, evil always wins.
Would you like to go to a school for the blind and convince them aliens have landed? Mm.
I'd like that.
You listened To your conscience, kapow And now you're Feelin' fine And you're dreamin' Of me singin' 'Cause you drank Two-dollar wine.
Tell me when it hurts.
It hurt from the beginning! Shh.