The Simpsons s32e20 Episode Script

1 (OINKS) D'oh! (GRUNTS) (HUMMING) (LAUGHING) Hmm? Mmm.
- - (TIRES SCREECH) (BELLS JINGLE) - - Welcome.
Good to see you.
If you're here to use the bathroom, try the Burger King next door.
Actually, we'd like to buy something.
Wunderbar.
I offer many things.
Astounding tricks, confounding illusions.
I also fix iPhones.
You've heard of Steve Jobs? This is my kid, "No Jobs.
" - Dad! - He's been angry since I made his mother disappear with my cold attitude and the philandering.
Achtung, Gramps.
I want to buy a magic set for my sister's birthday 'cause that's the kind of lame-o thing she'd like.
Magic is not "lame-o.
" Let me show you a trick that made Angela Merkel say, "You are the worst Uber driver ever.
" (GIGGLES) This underwear was once worn by Babar, King of the Elephants.
Elephant underwear is tighty-whities on Homer.
Why, you little! (GRUNTS) What the? The more I pull, the tighter it gets.
The only solution? Pull more.
(GRUNTING) (GASPING) Nyeah, nyeah, nyeah-nyeah-nyeah! Will you two ever stop? Ever? Ah! Is it the future you seek? Well, then, move through this beaded curtain and past the Keurig coffee maker I bought but never use.
(MYSTICAL THEREMIN MUSIC PLAYS) (MUSIC STOPS) Let us see what the tarot cards have to say.
Eh.
Tarot cards don't work.
Don't they, Madam President? - - (GASPS) Now let us see what happens to Homer and Bart.
How does he know our names? They are on your Starbucks coffee cups.
- Whoa.
- Whoa.
- - PROPRIETOR: Good news, Homer.
In the future, - you stop drinking.
- Oh - - PROPRIETOR: And the boy becomes a fine person.
What? No! Reversum predictum! It's licorice.
Have some.
Mmm Now I turn more cards and Oh, dear.
This is rough.
Very bad.
What? What? There will be years of trouble between Marge and Lisa.
The trouble begins when you decide where you will go to college.
What? Why are you saying that? What's wrong? Do I get wait-listed? Gap year? (GASPS) Cornell?! Let's just say things have changed when you are 17.
Rise and shine! Ugh, Mom, please.
I was asleep.
Today's the day you're gonna find out what colleges you get into.
Who cares? They all lost their glitter when Netflix bought Yale.
Well, you will be the first Simpson to ever finish college now that Bart's given up.
Why should I go to college? I've become a master of Fruit Ninja.
(BART GRUNTING) - MAN: Salad complete.
- (BELL RINGS) Booyah.
(HUMMING) There she is.
Our family's last and only remaining hope.
Putting on a little pressure there, Grampa? It's just that you're the only worthwhile Simpson since ever.
I'm counting on you to find the cure for everything that's gonna kill me.
- No pressure.
- (SIGHS) Wait a minute.
This is on the wrong eye.
Ooh, much better.
(TIRES SCREECH) Lisa, I have a question.
Please, don't mention the word "college.
" College? No way.
This is a surprise promposal.
Guess who I hired to ask you on my behalf.
My dad.
Imitating Seth MacFarlane imitating Frank Sinatra.
Take him to the prom And let him dance forevermore If you turn him down He will curl up on the floor In other words We're desperate We really are.
A pity "yes" will do.
And you'll have to drive 'cause he can't.
Ha! I can see you're tempted, Lis.
There's nothing cooler than a guy who's graduated coming back for a younger kid's prom.
(CHUCKLES) Get out of here before I accidentally say "okay.
" Did I hear an "okay"? (TIRES SCREECHING) (LISA CRYING) Aw, hey, kid.
What's the matter? Your whole life, for reasons I'll never understand, you've been looking forward to college.
Today, you get in.
Things have changed since I was a kid.
College costs a fortune, and does it really do any good? All you get is a piece of paper with your name on it.
And it's written in Latin, so the only people who can actually read it are dead Romans and Catholic priests.
And last I checked, none of them are handing out jobs.
Then why did you study so hard and miss all the fun? Old days Good times I remember Fun days Filled with simple pleasure.
I don't know now.
I think of all those years where instead of being behind a book, I could've played kickball.
So many jump ropes un-jumped.
Do you ever feel regret, Bart? I regret starting this conversation.
Every one.
I got into every one.
Why does this moment feel so empty? (CONCH SHELL BLOWS) Come one, come all.
Don't miss it.
Lisa, I told everyone you're going to make your pick today.
This is the greatest moment of my life.
Drumroll! (TINNY DRUMROLL) A Simpson got into college A Simpson got into college A Simpson got into college And I just never applied.
Everyone, shh! It's the moment of truth.
(ALL CHEER) Congratulations, Lisa.
Which one are you gonna choose? Bob Jones.
Bob Jones.
Bob Jones.
I, uh I'm not going to college.
What?! Quit joking.
Marge, nobody knows comedy like I don't.
She's not joking.
Lisa, you can't do this.
We're counting on you.
Well, you know, Marge, I didn't go to college, and I'm wealthy in the most important way: lack of student loans.
Do not encourage her.
Marge, her not going to college is the most money I'll ever earn.
Lisa, please.
I'm giving you one last chance to salvage this day.
I've lived for this moment.
And all I've ever asked from you is that everything that never happened to me happens to you.
And that justifies my existence on Earth for the hours I spent holding you, cleaning you, cooking your supper, drying your tears, catching your colds and burying every personal need I had just so I could have the brief joy of setting up your dorm room with the roommate from the fancy family who you'll spend the holidays with on their ranch in Colorado instead of coming home to me.
Once and for all, which college are you going to? None.
I just wanted to say one thing.
- What's that? - Ingrate! I'm sorry, but could you have decided you didn't want to go to college before ten years of me driving you to saxophone lessons, SAT prep, college tours of colleges you were never gonna go to?! (MARGE GROANS) - (DOORS SLAMMING) - Could it be that I'm finally the favorite parent? Maggie, whose side are you on? I don't like how digital she's getting.
Aw, you know just what to say.
(GROANS SOFTLY) MARGE: Honey, I baked you brownies to eat while you reconsider stuff you've done or said.
Wait a minute.
Do you actually think your brownies will affect my life decisions? They have walnuts in them.
Mom, I never really liked your brownies, and I'm not going to college.
Really? Who are you? All my life, I did what I thought other people wanted me to do.
Now I'm doing what I want.
Oh.
Someday, you're gonna have a daughter of your own, and you'll see how I feel.
Who says I'm gonna have kids? No college? No kids? How dare you lead the life I wish I'd led.
I'm burned out.
I'm so burned out.
I just need some time to think.
Okay.
Just promise me that before you make any final decisions, - you'll talk to - I know, I know.
My father.
I'm talking about the man who's been there for every birthday.
The one man who took pride in your every achievement.
I'd love to talk with you, Lisa, but first, boys, it's 6:00 p.
m.
Time for bed.
BOTH (DEEP VOICE): Yay! College was my dream.
Then I thought, "Is it really my dream or just everyone else's?" Lisa, use the gifts God gave you for whatever path He puts you on.
Get a job.
Learn the pride that comes with getting your own paycheck.
Of course.
The dignity of work.
Thank you, Mr.
Flanders.
ROD (DEEP VOICE): Daddy, can you come upstairs? We're scared.
Daddy, bring the monster spray! I may have over-coddled them just a little bit.
Now, I'm afraid the next kilometer on Lisa's autobahn of life would not be, as you say, easy peasy.
- - Ooh, could I double down on those? This is not blackjack.
I said hit me.
Not blackjack.
Come on, pal, hit me.
Fine.
You're busted.
D'oh! Should've held on the hard Knave of Cups.
I have no regrets.
I have no regrets.
(SNIFFLES) I have no regrets.
(CRYING, MUMBLING) Simpson, the corn isn't sticking to the dogs.
Why did I waste 30 minutes training you? Now the pulp is settling in the lemonade! Pump! Pump! Pump! Why am I working here? Even I can't answer that, and I was a philosophy major at Brown.
Brown! Brown! God, that job sucks.
Here's a little secret, honey.
All jobs suck.
That's why you get paid to do them.
So you had your gap week.
Now you're finally going to college, right? No.
Not ever.
Okay, I can't change this, and I can't accept this.
What do I do? Go downstairs and yell into the dryer.
(FOOTSTEPS DESCENDING STAIRS) (ECHOING): Why is she doing this?! Why won't she go to college?! We've been planning this her whole life! Why?! I'll have that picture and that picture and a diet that picture, if'n you please.
Can't you read the names? No, ma'am.
You seem to read just fine, and you're stuck in this dump.
Not anymore.
I know what I'm gonna do.
I hope it starts with pressin' the button what brings my food.
Nope.
I'm not gonna learn.
I'm gonna teach! I'm gonna start an after-school program, individualized and accessible to children who fall through the cracks.
What are you going to do for money? Workman's comp.
I'd like to see you try.
On my way! - Whoo-hoo! - (CLATTERING) Welcome to the Boundless Horizons School, where I'm gonna change your lives and you're gonna write letters to me forever and you'll say I was your most influential person.
Just exactly how are you gonna teach us? Well, I'm gonna use every trick there is.
I'll put the desks in a circle.
I'll take the toughest one of you and put him or her in charge of making everyone behave.
And I'll teach Shakespeare using dances from TikTok.
Out, out, damned spot This is the way that Shakespeare should be taught.
(BEATBOXING) Her incredible lameness has me riveted.
Finally, someone who gets me as a stereotype.
Wait one minute, young lady.
You cannot just open your own school and start to better random lives.
Um You have to sign this form and pay a $25 city business tax.
- (CHUCKLES) - Okay.
Just give me the change, please.
Uh, this is embarrassing.
Um, I'm not great at math.
Leave that to me.
Lisa Simpson's after-school program has been a tremendous success.
Unlike the news business.
Lisa now has over 100 franchises here in the Illiteracy Belt.
And now, given her high profile and 80% approval rating, Lisa's running for state school superintendent against incumbent Gary Chalmers.
Under my opponent, test scores have fallen.
Graduation rates have fallen.
I am not going to stand here and listen to some nasty woman (BOOING, JEERING) I-I'm just trying to make a point, all right? I'm not gonna let some stupid, nasty, homely woman (SHOUTING) Simpson! I concede.
Uh, congratulations.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE) Beloved superintendent of schools, Lisa Simpson, is now running for governor! Soon she'll move beyond the scope of a career-stuck local anchorman like me.
(SPED-UP): This is Kent Brockman signing off.
Lisa Simpson, governor of (MUMBLES) is running for president.
Not even her highly damaged relationship with her mother can stop her now.
Nate Silver analyzes.
Well, George, Lisa is doing great with disenchanted daughters.
Also tiger moms, checked-out dads and grandparents who like everything, plus middle children, nerds of all ages and saxophonists above second chair.
(SAXOPHONE PLAYS) Now, it's a week before the election but what the hell I'm calling it for Lisa.
My work here is done.
Good luck, America.
It's 5:38 somewhere.
This just in.
Lisa Simpson has been elected the eighth president who did not go to college, joining George Washington, Abraham Lincoln and Harry S.
Truman.
Think about that when you're paying your student loans.
Stephanopoulos out.
My daughter really becomes president? Yes.
But you have to learn it on the streets.
(DRONES WHIRRING) Great news about your daughter, Marge.
She's finally going to college? No.
She's president.
You knew that, didn't you? Oh, crap.
I really am out of the loop.
Look, the heart of the story is Lisa and me.
Do we finally get along? Also, in the future, how many more Ghostbusters do they make? Four.
The gay Ghostbusters is fantastic.
Can't we dwell on the fact that I was president? So concerned about your futures but no one cares about mine.
I won't get into details, but my body winds up in the dumpster behind the store.
Do any of you give a damn? (COUGHS) Very well.
Now we have come to the final two cards.
The future will be revealed.
But first, I want to plug my gig this Saturday at the Comedy & Magic Club.
I conjure the spirit of Rodney Dangerfield.
Ich bekomme keinen Respekt.
I'm telling you.
- - Ah.
Here we are.
- - It's Inauguration Day, and Marge and Lisa are barely speaking.
And I promise you that, as your president, I will obsess over your welfare, because I don't have a life! You're all I've got! And I will serve you.
(CHEERING, WHOOPING) (SCREECHES) And we'll get right on that! Madam President, just after you were sworn in, your predecessor finally conceded.
These transitional tantrums get longer and longer.
(WILHELM SCREAM IN DISTANCE) Okay, he promised he'd leave after he did that.
But you're going to be a great president.
Thank you.
But maybe not a happy one.
Bart! Oh, I almost hugged you.
Well, I almost wish you had.
Oh.
I think I will.
I hope you do.
(GRUNTS) I know what you need.
Some President's Choice High Carumba.
Why did you bring that here? A: it's legal.
B: somehow still cool.
And C: you really need to chill out.
(GUNS COCKING) He's with me! He's with me! Oh, I got to tell you something.
Now that we're both grown and successful you, president, me, pot CEO and owner of three NBA teams I feel different.
I really, really, really don't hate you.
Aw.
Got anything to say to me? Um yes.
All right.
I'll admit it.
I've always been kind of a pain in the butt.
Wow.
If you had said that earlier, even I would have voted for you.
- (DRONES WHIRRING) - (APPLAUSE) Wow, that's pretty cool for someone who was always unpopular.
(CHUCKLES) But, but wait! Not my fault.
Because, I don't know if you know, but I did not come from a family that made things easy.
Well, maybe you didn't make things easier for them either.
Maybe Mom was the one who was helping you in ways you don't even remember.
Old days Good times I remember Fun days Oh, wow.
Mom? She's clean.
Checked her hair.
Took 45 minutes.
I'm here to see if you'll finally admit you'd be better off if you'd gone to college.
Are you crazy? You still can't admit you were wrong.
Let me tell you something, lady.
Wait a minute.
Just-just wait a minute.
I'm president now.
I have a lot of resources.
Where's my mom translator? Maybe I started off on the wrong foot.
"You constantly let me down.
" Of course, I appreciate everything you're saying.
"You were never really in my corner.
" I may have said a lot of things in anger.
"I meant what I said and I will stick to it.
But no matter what, I was always proud of you.
" You made me mad, too.
"I was hurt because I care so much.
All the respect and love I have for people came from you.
" That's nice to hear.
(CHOKED UP): "I love you so much.
" (SOBBING SOFTLY) "I love you, too.
" - (CRYING) - Oh, oh.
(SNIFFLES) Okay, you can go now.
"This translator is fantastic.
Give her a raise.
" (FIREWORKS POPPING) (SQUEALING) - ("DANCE OF THE SUGAR PLUM FAIRY" PLAYS) - Okay.
I enjoyed that story, but I got to know, how much is really true? Let me consult the oracle.
Okay, Lisa, I'll give it to you straight.
You've got a 98% chance of going to college, 83% Ivy League, 47% chance of a boyfriend, 72% chance of a girlfriend.
Oh! (CHUCKLES): I like those odds! Hey, can I get the game on this? It's not a TV.
Shh!