The Simpsons s33e05 Episode Script

1 Riot Rivers! Aah! Riot Rivers! Honey, are you in there? Yes.
- Riot Rivers! - Aah! Ri-ot Riv-ers! Ri-ot Riv-ers! - - There it is! Turn! Calm down! I'm not gonna miss your stupid water park.
It's not stupid.
Riot Rivers was the greatest summer job I ever had.
Getting paid to watch people of all ages eat it, again and again.
Just eatin' it so hard! Wait a minute.
They did a documentary about this place.
No, it didn't happen that way.
There was different music.
Hmm? Quiet Rivers?! They changed the "ruh" to a "qwah.
" Did you know about this? I told you they changed the name before we left.
I thought you were joking.
That's the problem with you, Marge.
You're always kidding around.
Oh Oh! Come on! See? They turned all the super cool rides into baby rides.
And the teens working here they're not even laughing at the kids wiping out.
They're loading them in feet first.
Hey! Where are your cutoffs? Are you even high? There's nothing worse in this universe than a ride steering wheel that does nothing.
No, it does something.
It makes the frog smile.
Oh, man, swim diapers.
I remember those.
True freedom.
I could tell you some stories.
Can we leave yet? Can we leave yet? Can we leave yet? Aw, you kids don't know, but this place used to be so bitchin'.
And the best slide of all was right over there.
Think of it.
90% of all hospitalizations off just one ride! I wonder It's still here.
The Devil's Deluge had the longest lines, the scariest turns, even its own ambulance! Hello, my love.
Did you miss me? Wow.
Looks dry.
And dangerous.
Children, behold the deluge.
For today, we punch fear in the face and steal death's girlfriend, as we truly live for the first time.
Also, this is now the only way down.
Branch! Possums! O-possums! Oh, man, I saw my life flash before my eyes.
I've had an awesome life.
Oh, look at those smiles.
I knew you guys could have fun here.
Yeah, nothing gets the heart pumping like a brush with nothing.
Um, I don't feel so good.
Aw.
The quiet rivers in my tummy are becoming raging waters.
Upstairs or downstairs? - Both! - Both! Uh, out of the water! Out of the water! Not me this time.
According to these tests, your kids' insides and outsides have been exposed to a toxic mix of 30-year-old hairspray, hot dog water, opossum dander, and a grab bag of intestinal and skin-based parasites.
Oh, my poor queasy babies.
Hmm.
I wonder why Homer didn't get sick.
He even went to work today.
Upstairs and downstairs! Bart and Lisa will be fine after a little TLC.
By TLC, I mean "taking Lorexo-Cortisone.
" And by little, I mean a four-week intensive regimen.
Oh, steroids? Are there any side effects? Nothing serious.
Maybe a little temporary weight gain.
Hurry up, kids! You don't want to be late for your first day of school.
Ah, a new school year.
Uncracked books, pink erasers, a binder where the rings still meet.
And I get to find out what happened to those praying mantis eggs I left in Skinner's office.
If, uh, we all agree to respect each other's workspace, this, uh, year will go just fine.
Oh, look at that belly.
Mwah.
Someone's getting chunky! Chunky.
Off you go.
Don't want to be late for school.
Oh.
Okay, forget about what Mom said.
Don't let it ruin the first day of school.
That's the best day of the year! Welcome, class.
This year, we'll be learning lessons that will stay with you - for the rest of your lives.
- Calm down.
It's okay.
Attention, students.
Due to budget cuts, the following after-school programs have been cancelled: dance chunk, intramural chunk-ing, and chunky chunk chunk.
What is going on with me? I'm going chunky.
Aah! I mean, crazy! Get a grip.
Chunk-chunky, chunk Chunk, chunk! Chunk-chunk! Chunky! Lisa is soft now.
- Hmm? - Dang, Simpson.
Have you been to Costco? 'Cause you're carrying bulk.
Oh, that's because of the steroids I was taking.
- You see, my mom - Steroids! - Nice! - Yeah, badass! Like I was saying, I've been juicing pretty hard all summer.
Had to stop because I beat up my dad.
Roid rage! No more hanging out with those babies for you, Simpson.
Today, you become a man.
What is this place? It used to be a padded cell for left-handed kids.
Welcome to the Meat Castle.
Say goodbye to your victim bod.
Your shred-ucation begins today.
Yeah.
Swole! So swole! Swole! Swole.
Swole.
Swole! I'm living every kid's dream to be accepted by his tormentors.
Someone's getting chunky! Oh, honey, you seem down in the dumps.
And I know why.
You do? Because it's really hard to talk about when Of course.
I don't know what I was thinking by not taking you shopping for back-to-school clothes.
Wait, wha? Oh.
Nothing upside downs my frowns like a girls' trip to the mall.
I don't know, Mom.
I'm just not feeling it.
Mm.
Can I get it? Can I get it? Hmm.
I'm not sure that's a fit.
Are you positive that's the eight-year-old size? Oh, super pos.
Let's upsize her to a ten short.
Get me some tens out here, Derek.
The eights are a freaking disaster on this kid! Forget it, Mom.
Let's just go.
Nuh-uh.
We're not leaving this mall until we find you a really fun ensemble.
That is so the look.
Yes, I think that is the look.
Mom, it's too big! No, it's not.
It's very flattering.
It's not your job to constantly comment on my appearance! But, honey, I could never pull that off.
On you, it's so eye-catching.
Oh, you are slaying those tens.
Do you really think I want to call attention to myself?! Ugh! Get this thing off of me! Okay, why don't you give these a try? No! Um, let's take a little fro-yo break.
You can't fix everything with fro-yo! That's what you acted like before the medicine.
Young lady, in this family, we put clothing back on the hanger so the salesperson will think we're classy! Why are you acting like such a cranky pants? Stop talking to me about clothes! How's everything going in here? I brought twelves.
Do we need more twelves in here? This mall is an assault on human dignity! I hate it! I hate it! I hate it! I hate it! I hate it! If they ask who helped you today, remember, I'm Shauna.
They don't respect you unless you insult them just a little bit.
- Girls? - Cops.
- For real.
- Yeah.
Def.
Yeah.
Oh, look who got a visit from the pube fairy.
Dude, those aren't pubes.
Yeah-huh.
Everything new is a pube.
So, Simpson, you got your eyes on any ladies? Uh, yeah, I'm talking to a couple dozen honeys right now.
I'm in love with most of 'em, but right now, I want to keep my focus on the gym.
Pizza rolls are hot! Uh, what about our reps? There's plenty of time for that after a weight fight! Working out is awesome! We don't slam doors in this house! So, uh, how was the mall? Apparently, I'm the worst mother in the world for being nice.
Lisa had a huge tantrum in front of the cell phone jewelry.
I've asked her a hundred times what the problem is, and she won't tell me.
Can you talk to her? Of course, honey.
Time for me to earn my "World's Greatest Dad" mug.
You bought that for yourself in the hospital gift shop while I was giving birth.
We both left with something special that day.
Honey, if something's bothering you, you got to let it out.
Like swallowed burps, buried feelings can burst out at the worst possible Mom called me "chunky.
" Oh, my God.
Marge did the one thing no parent is ever supposed to do acknowledge what their children look like! Oh, what do I say to make it better? I know.
I'll tell her Marge isn't her real mother, and Lisa and I should pack up and leave forever.
No, something about that feels wrong.
Hmm, I must use an entire lifetime of fatherly knowledge to help my daughter.
Buying versus leasing pros and cons.
How many miles do you think you'll be driving a year? Thanks for trying, Dad.
- That is what you were doing, right? - Yes.
I can't expect you to understand my problem.
I just wish I didn't care what people think.
Honey, if you didn't care, you wouldn't be human.
Not human, I say.
Here we are.
When you called for help, I was hoping you needed someone to spell-check your suicide note.
And just so we're clear, you dented cue ball, we're not doing this for you.
We're here for Lisa.
Hey, look who stopped by! How would you like to go on a completely spontaneous outing with your aunts? - Uh - In our world, that's a "yes.
" We heard what your mother said.
Not cool.
We only use "chunky" to describe jewelry and stew.
And since we've had stew for breakfast Kid, your Aunt Selma and I have been called every mean name in the book.
You just got to let it roll off your back.
But how? When the world Hurts your feelings And on certain words you tend to dwell Then live life like your aunties And tell the jerks to go to hell This is the dawning of the age of who gives a crap The age of who gives a crap Who gives a crap Who gives a crap Muffin tops, jowls and crow's feet Droopy boobs and no thigh gap Chicken skin and body odor Chin hairs that need some trimmin' All these things that's wrong with women It's all good, just go on livin' Who gives a crap Who gives a crap? Lisa, your dad told me why you've been upset.
I'm so sorry for what I said.
It was a mistake, and I feel terrible.
Thanks, Mom, but spending the afternoon with Aunt Patty and Selma made me feel a lot better about myself.
And also, a lot worse about everyone else.
Mm.
Why couldn't I just keep my mouth shut? After all, now that you're off the steroids, soon you'll be back to normal.
And you'll be my perfect little girl again.
So, we all better now? Ooh, how about this one? It has a lot of notes.
I know you like those.
Don't pretend you know what I like.
Oh, can you just tell me why we're back to glowering?! - Huh? - Marge, I know all about the rough patch you're having with Lisa.
I went through the exact same thing with Milhouse.
We're so similar, you and I.
Are we, though? Look, I don't just give this name to everybody.
Just my best girlfriends.
Hmm.
Hypnotherapy? Isn't that a little woo-woo? Dr.
Sage is amazing.
We went in not speaking, and after one session, - we're back in the tub together! - Mm.
Oh.
What's up, workout bros? Who wants toaster strudel? Extra glaze packets! Hmm? Guys, look out! There's girls in here.
They're called girlfriends, baby dork.
Well, Jimbo and Flor haven't made it official, but we're all hopeful.
We don't do labels! But-but I thought we came here to work out and-and microwave golf balls and talk about girls, but not real ones! I thought we were big boys! So dawn bros down to day.
Nothing swole can stay.
Marge, Lisa, today, we'll be using hypnotherapy as a tool that builds empathy by exploring the landscapes of each other's minds.
I'm sorry.
I just find it a little hard to believe that everything's going to be solved just because you swing a gold pocket watch in front of my face.
Oh, hypnotism has come a long way since pocket watches.
Now, look into Dr.
Mysterio's Mesmerific Hypnowheel.
Spinny thing.
Where are we? We're in my mind, and I thought this woman was a total quack.
I can hear everything you're saying.
Sorry.
It's so nice here.
I feel like I should take my shoes off.
There's a Zen garden, a waterfall.
Chunky! And it's taking up so much space! Look what it's done to the Powerpuff Girls.
What if I never get "Chunky" out of my head? Oh, sweetie, I'm so sorry.
If I put it there, then I'm going to get it out.
Oh.
I never realized how much power my words have.
Now that you've explored Lisa's subconscious, perhaps we should travel to Marge's.
I have one of those? My old bedroom.
This must be one of my memories.
Mom, what do you think of my new haircut? It's nice, but I do think longer hair complements your plain features.
"Plain.
" Oh, my God.
I don't remember her saying that, but now I know why it's been in my head every waking minute.
Oh, Lisa, now I know exactly how I made you feel.
Now I know exactly how you felt.
I love you! I love both of you! I guess the hurtful things your mother says to you never totally disappear.
Maybe they don't, but I really believe that if you're aware of them, those words will lose their power over you very, very, very slowly.
If at all.
But probably not.
I wonder if everyone has words from their childhood stuck inside their heads.
Ah, lazy.
Shh!