The Simpsons s33e09 Episode Script

1 Boring.
Boring.
Boring.
Boring.
Boring.
Seen it.
Lived it.
Looks like you've discovered Muttflix, Bart.
The premium cable channel made for dogs.
They show short scenes from a canine point of view.
It's to a dog's eyes what opening a can of dog food is to their ears.
Shh! Squirrel.
Hmm.
I love my dog As much as I love you But you may fade And they say there's no good TV show ideas anymore.
Your dog bit me.
Made my day.
Na-na-na-na-na-na, nana.
Ah, what's she doing here? Santa's Little Helper wanted to invite his mom over since it's Mother's Day.
Mother's Day Aww So sweet.
Did you say it's Mother's Day? Oh, Mom.
We haven't forgotten you.
Guess what I've got.
A mug I made at school! Oh.
Great.
Thanks.
And, Mom, although I believe Mother's Day is a B.
S.
holiday unlike true holidays, like my half birthday or May the Fourth Be With You I, too, made you a mug.
Oh.
Thank you for trying.
Oh.
Nothing in this world beats a baby's kiss.
Thinks she's so cute.
How do you tell someone who doesn't talk to shut up? Kids, I love all your presents and Homer? Uh This is the one holiday that means something to me.
Well, I was gonna make you breakfast in bed, but you know the food always comes out bad Ugh, so bad.
And we always leave a mess in the kitchen, which is worse than making no breakfast at all.
Basically we're idiots.
Hmm.
Where is this going? So I thought, why not get you a nice picture frame instead? It'll last longer than a breakfast and I carefully chose a picture of all the kids and pour vous.
Aw, that is nice.
What is it, Dad? What's wrong? It's it's just Homer, it's your mother.
This image is all you've got left of me.
And it's starting to get a little fuzzier each year.
Mom.
If only I could kiss your fuzzy face.
Same cold nose, but not the same.
I miss you, Mom.
Oh, my God! Dad's reliving the great tragedy of his life.
And that is? Losing your mother.
Oh, my God.
I'm so sorry, Homer.
Nothing can replace your mom.
But you do have your father.
Let it out, Dad.
Studies show losing a parent is the most traumatic thing that can happen to a child.
What a sad thing to say.
When Homer croaks we're gonna have to spring for an XXL elephant coffin.
Not funny, Bart.
Hey, the cat liked it.
Dad, maybe you should get some therapy.
Mm Oh.
I just don't know if we can afford more mental health.
Don't worry, Mom.
Thanks to the app store, there's a solution to everything.
Nutz, the therapy app.
Woo-hoo! I can confront my grief on the john! Welcome to Nutz, the app that can process your loss, talk you down from highs, pick you up from lows, maintain your mediums, and find CBD gummies in the shape of your version of God.
Fix my brain.
"Nature of grief?" "Loss of mother.
" "Age of loss?" "Nine years old.
" "Are you a robot?" I wish.
Okay, people.
Let's earn those PhDs.
Who wants "lost his mother"? Lost his mother? Oh, come on, that's a premium disorder.
You can't make him worse.
I'll take it.
Okay, we've also got a jumper, a bed-wetter, and a guy who's still messed up because the Patriots traded Brady.
And remember, if you get 'em to cry, you get a turn in the cash tornado.
- Hello, Homer.
- Ooh! Please enter date of loss.
I wrote this on the liquor cabinet so you would see it.
I am wanted by the FBI and leaving forever.
Abe! Put down the booze and take care of Homer.
Go to him.
Be gentle and sensitive.
Strong and Absolut Vodka.
Now you're just reading the label.
When's Mommy coming back? - She's not.
- Why not? Uh she's dead.
That oughta hold him.
That must have been rough.
But I know something that could help.
Simply Press button to pay another 99 cents.
Think back back to when you first realized you didn't really know what happened to your mother.
I was 16.
I had just learned to drive.
Same time tomorrow.
Well, well, well.
First-time driver, eh? Well, this is my first case.
And I'm doin' this by the book.
Which, uh, I left back at the station.
So, uh Yeah.
I better go get it.
Donuts? What are those? I better investigate.
Hmm? She's alive! She's alive.
Who's alive? No one! And I'm going to find her.
Letting that postcard go through was the smartest thing we ever did.
Yeah.
That kid's gonna lead us right to Mona Simpson.
My mom's alive.
I'm so mad at her and my dad.
This is the greatest day of my life! Oh, why did I get a lifetime subscription? Hey, how do ya sell these, anyway? - By the dozen.
- Hoo boy.
Mmm.
Now that you know your mother had left you, how did you deal with the fact that it was all your fault? Wait.
What? Th-That can't be right.
Congratulations.
You have been upgraded to a much better therapist.
Pay $2.
99 to accept.
Hoo boy.
Mr.
Simpson, when you found out your mother was alive, were you conflicted? I decided it was time my father and I had a talk about what really happened to my mother.
- You told me Mom was dead! - She is.
Why wasn't there a funeral? There was too much going on.
My wife just died, for God's sake.
Dad, there's something you're not telling me about Mom.
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much, they want to make a baby that is immediately a source of huge conflict.
Not that.
Where is she? Well, the truth is, I don't exactly know what happened to your mother.
She's alive and wanted by the FBI for some radical hippie nonsense.
When she said "outta sight," she wasn't kidding around.
- Why did you lie? - To protect you.
Protect me from what? To protect you from a woman who didn't love me enough! Oh, my God, I wasn't protecting you, I was protecting me.
From the shame of a wife who left.
Because I never gave her what she wanted most, which was to leave me.
And as TV shows have shown us again and again, that moment of self-realization is all it takes to cure my alcoholism.
Yippee! God bless ya, son! You and I have each other and that's all we'll ever need.
Oh.
This isn't over.
What did you just think? You heard me! That must have been difficult.
How did you deal with your grief? I tried everything.
I went to the guidance counselor.
I'm torn up inside.
Have you considered the Army? They're always looking for angry, messed-up young men.
No, thank you! I went to the church.
It didn't help.
I lost my mother and I can't get rid of the pain.
Have you considered another religion? Hmm? Then one night, I came to a decision.
Why did she go to Utah? Every kid there already has more moms than they need.
I never even got to give this to her.
Who knows where she ranks now? I'm gonna find my mother.
So one day I set out on my own.
Where the hell do you think you're going? Old Man Simpson! I'm here to stop you, son.
You remember your mom as a perfect woman.
But I hate to say this she wasn't perfect.
She hogged the blankets something awful.
She had a hard-to-remember birthday.
Please, Dad.
I need to know what happened to her.
Oh, I can't say no to that face.
I think everything's gonna be better from now on.
Just drive! As my father and I drove fatefully through the badlands of Utah, our relationship grew deeper and closer than ever before.
Say, boy, are you left-handed or right? - Right.
- I never knew that.
Do you like books or TV? - TV.
- Me, too! You've answered all my questions.
Let's eat.
Can I help you boys? I'm lookin' for my ex-wife.
Aw.
Well, when was the last time you saw her? Seven years ago.
Trust me, it's over.
Just tell me if you've seen her! I seen a runaway rose like her workin' a gas 'n' go near the slot canyons.
Who wants to know? Let's just say a man who's had his heart broken and a boy whose closest thing to a mother was the lady on the bottle of maple syrup.
Hmm.
I see.
You look lonely, cowboy.
Well, only if you consider "lonely" being without companionship of any kind for 2,600 days.
Well, some of us get pretty lonesome, too, when the night comes and your double wide seems double empty.
Hint, hint.
Oh, I hear ya.
But I got the boy with me.
So we'll skip the first date that starts awkward but ends with potential, the second date where we hit it off, the third date where you find out beneath my crusty exterior is some sweet apple pie, and skip right to the part where we break up because I gotta take my son to his mother.
Aw.
We had some good times, didn't we? Yeah, we sure did.
Mm.
Oh, Mona.
Hey, I thought you stopped drinking.
I stopped drinking at night.
Oh, here comes the remorse.
Oh 9,094 9,095 9,096 stars in the sky.
- I think you missed that one.
- D'oh! One, two, three Ah, so peaceful.
It reminds me of another night when the sky looked just like this I'm gonna tell you a war story, son.
A story of patriotism, sacrifice, and sexy ladies drawn on planes.
I was trapped in a foxhole with my best friend Charlie Abe, I got a funny feeling I ain't gonna make it.
That's crazy talk! Uh did you always not have a bottom half? I just got one request.
Tied to my dog tags is a picture of my gal, Clara.
Take 'em to her.
Tell her I used up my last breath sayin' her name.
Clara.
Ooh.
Uh-oh.
Let that be a lesson to you, boy.
Don't procrastinate.
So it's good we're lookin' for your ma.
And I'm passin' these dog tags along to you.
Aw.
It's your job now, son.
Boy, somewhere there's a hundred-year-old woman waiting for ya.
We Simpson men won't let her down! Uh, I'm sorry, I digress.
Never be afraid to digress.
Some of the best insights come that way.
Oh, is it digression you want? Well, you know, shoes didn't always have tongues - Not from you.
- Oh Homer, so you were closing in on your mother.
Did that bring up any fears? Did it? - Did it? - Yes.
Would she still love me as much as she did when she left me forever? I mean, it's a pretty low bar.
How old is your boy? - 16.
- Oh, I thought so.
I always cry at any boy between 12 and 20.
I have a son that age.
Haven't seen him in years.
It's heartbreaking.
I don't know if I'll ever Oh, there he is.
Can that really be my little Homer? - D'oh! - It's him! Mom? Homer! I miss you so much! Such a beautiful voice.
Wait right there.
Here I come.
I love you.
Mm.
FBI! How did she spot us? Mom? If I find her, we'll be a family again.
With the yelling, and the resentment, and the slamming doors.
It'll be wonderful.
D'oh! Son! I can't get through! Oh, forget me.
Just go ahead.
Hurry.
If you don't go soon, you'll lose her forever.
No! You didn't leave me, Dad.
I can't leave you.
You came back for me? Yes.
I love you, Dad.
I love you too, boy.
But that was a dumb choice you just made.
FBI.
Official business.
Sir, put your son down and kick him in front of you.
Never! What the Watch it! That part ain't for grabbin'! I thought you guys were untouchable get off me! Help! Police! Where you goin', lady? Anywhere you are.
To San Francisco! Till it gentrifies.
You ever think of all the violent criminals going free while we were chasing after this one woman? That's why I don't read the papers.
Smart.
We never found Mona.
Oh You know, I just realized I could have found her, waited, then gone back for you and I would have had everything.
Woulda coulda shouda, loser.
Misbehaving child? Check out our list of pacifying drugs.
Oh, boy, that's really sad.
That's it, boy.
Deal with feelings like I taught you.
That must have been so confusing.
You actually found your mom, then lost her again.
That's right.
Misery piled on misery.
A seven-layer dip of woe.
And that's how I met your mother.
- Aw.
- Who turned everything around.
That is fantastic.
And since you know that she'll always be there, you don't have to be afraid of abandonment.
You're right.
What a great therapist.
- Delete app.
- Wait, what? I warned you about solving people's problems.
He was so simple I-I just couldn't stretch it out.
You're fired.
Put that coffee down.
You have major hostility and control issues.
Bye-bye! But there's a little more to the story.
Something I've never told anyone.
It happened when Bart was born Homer, would you like to cut the cord? My pleasure.
What the It's so tough you can't cut it.
Why is this like Why, you little Such a beautiful moment.
More morphine, sweetie? Oh, no, thank you.
You sure? It's free.
Mm Maybe just a little for mama.
What the Hey.
He's mooning me.
Newborns don't moon people.
Everything I need is in this room.
I'm the pediatrician.
Just want to take a look at your boy.
So beautiful.
Really? Don't you see a lot of these? Not one that's my grandson.
Mom? When I heard about the baby, I just had to come and see him.
But I can't stay.
Just know I'm always with you in here.
I guess that'll have to do.
I even miss you sometimes.
Wait! Doctor! Let's talk! Was it a dream? There's no way I'll ever know.
It wasn't a dream.
I was there.
There's no reliable way I'll ever know.
Either way, Dad, it's wonderful.
You have found closure.
Closure.
Disclaimer: Closure is no longer considered a valid psychological construct.
Closure! This is the best Mother's Day ever.
Aw Aw Or it will be the best Mother's Day ever.
Once I take your mother to the finest restaurant in town.
Where I actually made reservations.
This is the best Mother's Day ever! Everything I need is in this room.
Sir, this is not a buffet.
Please stay out of the kitchen.
When a sign says "brunch," I brunch.
Honey, can we have dinner on the floor tonight? No.
Mom? D'oh! Shh!