The Simpsons s33e10 Episode Script

1 (MAGICAL THEME PLAYING) Ho, ho, ho! - - (CHILDREN LAUGHING, CHATTERING) Good sir, perchance you would like to try on the "categorize cap" to see which school of magic most suits thee? Not today, weirdo.
(ALARM BLARES) Congratulations, you're a Grizzledum! Yes! Finally! A hat that respects me! Don't be too cocky.
That means you're a sworn enemy of Pufflesnuff.
I hate those guys.
Well, well, well, if it ain't one of those Grizzledum gits.
Someone had a little too much bubble and squeak for breakfast.
Don't worry, Dad.
Those are just park employees.
Cool! Then they can't hit me back.
Oi! We're seasonal workers.
We can do as we bloody well please.
Yeah, well, just wait'll my fellow Grizzledums help me.
I'm known for my stomach aches.
My character was cut from the movies.
- Aah! - Get him! [SIGHS.]
This is a good time to call Grampa and see how Maggie's doing.
PUFFLESNUFF: Carve a lightning bolt in his head! Hello, Mabel.
Can I have my dad? Sure thing, Marge.
Patching you through to Throwback 7244.
(PHONE RINGS) Hey, Marge, everything is A-okay, which was a popular slogan during Martin Van Buren's election campaign because Ooh, thank God I'm on my anti-rambling meds.
I remember the first day I went on them.
That's it.
Anyway, Maggie's having fun with her little friend.
We're at the beach?! I better put on sunscreen.
(HUMMING) (EXHALES) I finally know what it's like to be a British beverage.
Gently back and forth, back and forth.
Whoa, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! Bart! Stop playing with the wheel.
Only if Homer buys us something at the gift shop! Why do I keep thinking these places will be fun? You don't! It's a place you can be with us without having to talk to us.
- (BART LAUGHS EVILLY) - Oh, finally, a place to spend money.
I'll take three of each wand plus holsters and the five-year magic care warranty.
And I'll pick the one that costs a little extra because they also give a wand to a needy child.
(GROANS) (GRUNTING) Aw.
Listen to her, purring like a kitten.
(GASPS) Grampa, when was the last time you saw Maggie? I just changed her diaper before I put the cat out.
Uh-oh.
- Maggie! - Where are you, Mags? Ask Grampa, maybe he knows.
(KNOCKING) Simpsons, I don't know if Heaven's missing an angel, but I think you might be.
Oh, my sweet baby! Flanders, I owe ya one.
Well, sir, could you give me back my Allen wrench? (SCOFFS) This guy names his tools.
Grampa, I'm afraid we'll never ask you to babysit again.
Who says I want to? You never even pay me! Well, you can rest easy knowing if anything did happen, she has the only insurance you truly need.
A simple Christian baptism.
Actually, we haven't gotten around to baptizing her yet.
You mean this child could've been cast into God's basement of eternal burning, because you were "too busy"? We could baptize her soon, if you want to be the godfather.
Oh, no can-doodily.
I'm already the godfather to 1,100 children.
Take one of these.
- It'll buzz when I have an opening.
- (BUZZES) This is for a baptism? My wife is Shinto and I worship the Klingon faith of Ba-a-a-a.
We thought this was for Tony Roma's.
Good night! I can't stop thinking about Maggie not being baptized.
What if the unspeakable happens? Are you saying that just because we don't splash a little water on her she's gonna burn forever? Sleep well, knowing current religious thought is Maggie won't go to Hell.
Although that's always up for debate.
- Mm.
(SNORES) - (SIGHS) Hmm.
Ah! Ah.
Nice and unbaptized.
She'll play in an unsanitary ball pit - for all eternity.
- (GASPS) - (DEVIL LAUGHING) - And I'm here, too! And I've got Milhouse growing on my back.
I'm the front and you're the back! - I'm the front! - (GRUNTS) Ow! We have to get Maggie baptized now.
Either Patty or Selma could be the godmother.
Well, that would insult one of them.
But I want to insult both of them.
What we really need for the godfather is someone who goes to church weekly, not the Christmas and Easter crowd.
Lousy part-time Protestants.
I go every week and sleep through mass like a real Christian.
Homie, this is important to me.
I get it, but can't this wait? You go find her a godfather! The classiest person you know.
- BOTH: Hey! - Wait a minute! I wasn't watching that! Guys, this is serious.
I'm looking for a godfather for my little angel.
Aw, what a cutie.
Let me give her a sip of beer.
Okay, you're out.
If I'm out, Carl's out.
I decide who tells me what to do.
Moe? You're out, Carl.
So, Homer, I hear you're lookin' for You're out.
Barney? - You're out.
- Aw! Godfather? Well let's see.
I have done a great job with Ralphie.
HOMER: Wiggum out.
Don't worry, sweetie.
You don't need a godfather right away.
You're gonna live a long, long time.
Here's another avoidable death you've gotten us into.
(SOBBING) Fat Tony! You saved us! Not I.
It was the Blessed Mother.
You're religious, too.
You'd be a great godfather, if it weren't for If it weren't for what? Uh you know No, I do not know.
(WHIMPERS) What a cute little bambina.
(MAGGIE GIGGLING) I accept your offer.
I will be godfather to your child.
Yeah, but, but, but You did offer it to me, didn't you? He said it.
We got it all on tape.
(SOBS) I truly appreciate this.
I have nothing innocent and pure in my life, but now I have this sweet little angel.
Great, great.
This'll be just like The Godfather.
- The what? - You know, the movie The Godfather.
- Never heard of it.
- It's about a guy like you, - who does what you do.
- Which is what? Um, legitimate business.
He sounds like quite the fellow, this godfather.
I've seen Shark Tale and Analyze This, but that sounds even better.
Fat Tony can't be godfather.
We'd be better off with Mr.
Burns.
I asked him.
He's allergic to new baby smell.
(KNOCKING) Pardon me for dropping by unannounced, but I could not help but notice that my goddaughter-to-be has an outdated car seat facing in the wrong direction.
(WHIMPERS) So, I have taken the liberty of purchasing you the most exclusive, top-of-the-line car seat: the Ferrari Protect-a-rossa.
Well, that's very nice, but And you, the mama, will drive her more safely in this Luxus SUV I have leased in your name.
It's got everything.
Blindspot monitors built-in humidor, a GPS that doesn't think it's better than you.
MALE VOICE: Sure, let's try it your way.
- Oh - FAT TONY: Hmm? Fat Tony, I'm sorry, but you can't be the godfather.
Marge, think about this.
Your baby will want to go to an elite preschool, a prestigious prep school, a college with the ivy.
I could help you with all these things.
You can really do that? With the soccer coaches and admissions officers I have in my pocket like so many yogurt melties.
We'll play along until we can get out of it.
Godfather.
Welcome to the family.
Welcome to the family.
MARGE: Okay, just get through this.
Then you never see the godparents again.
Always so nice to see you, Fat Tony.
Is everything okay? Please, please, say it's okay.
Why you no answering? I'm a-gonna die! And I've never been-a to Italy! (SOBBING) Everything's fine.
Ah, I knew it.
Have-a some parmesan.
My hand! It's-a having a heart attack! Now, I take my duties as godfather seriously.
I might almost be intrusive.
Almost.
First, I want to help with little Margaret's religious development.
For my first communion, my sainted mother gave me this book and ten dollars, which was a fortune to me.
I never spent it.
Mama! First, the queen of all saints, Mary, the only woman in history who had the ugatz to be a mother and a virgin.
Actually, the virgin birth is the doctrine of traditional Christianity.
Not Protestants.
La beata madre è stata concepita senza peccato originale.
Quindi è possibile che sia madre e vergine.
Oh.
Got it.
This is Saint Lucia, which may or may not be where my money is.
And this is St.
Zeno of Verona, the saint of learning to speak.
For you, Margaret.
Hmm.
Ah, you got to love a religion with merch.
Maybe this could work out.
You just enjoy riding in a safe car for once.
Yes! Yes! Yes, I do! For the family.
Stop so we can do the door again.
Whoa, Mama! (LAUGHS) D'oh! I can't believe the boss has us babysitting.
I broke out of prison for this? Whoa, whoa, whoa! Careful, those babies got those super sharp fingernails! Here ya go, Baby Boss.
Mangia.
Mangia.
Leave no evidence.
Boss, Benny down at the liquor store is late on his payment.
Again.
Let me break his kneecaps.
Marone a mi! You never ever talk that way in front of a baby.
Uh, uh, okay, uh, what if we give him a boo-boo to the brain? Make him go night-night forever? Disgusting! You give the kiss of death with that mouth? Now, if you'll excuse me I have to take sweet little Maggie to Guido and Me class.
(HUMMING HAPPILY) I think the boss is gettin' soft.
Next thing you know, he'll be startin' a legitimate legitimate business! Eh, I think you're imagining things.
Twinkle, twinkle, little star Let me hotwire you a car We'll change the plates, I know a guy You'll be my little alibi.
(LAUGHS) You stole my heart.
You little criminal.
(ALL GROANING) (ALL GASPING) Ah, it's-a so sad.
Fat Tony has been a very good boss.
I have too much respect for him not to kill him.
Eh, what do you think, Johnny Tightlips? I don't want to do nothin' to nobody.
So you want to do somethin' to somebody.
Exactly.
Does Maggie seem different to you? I'm worried.
Uh, Marge, let me put it this way.
We can't be bad parents, because bad parents can't get their kid into the finest preschool in town! Maggie has been admitted to the Preschool for the Performing Arts? They have a three-year wait.
Is she in the morning class or afternoon? Morning.
- Mm.
- (KNOCKING) I'm afraid we have an agreement and you have not held up your end.
We are going for a ride.
(WHIMPERING) No! No goddaughter of mine will miss Sunday service.
Oh, but I'm hungover.
We were gonna go at 1:00 p.
m.
I'm afraid there ain't no 1:00 p.
m.
no more.
Low attendance whacked it from the schedule.
I knew it.
You make a deal with the devil, and look where you wind up.
- (SNORING) - Wake up.
(BLABBERING) Oh, come on, man.
Even the priest is asleep.
(YAWNS) Please rise and open your hymnals.
(WHISPERS): He said open your book.
You were so right, I'm a moron, I'm so frightened Bail us out now, I am out of ideas.
Look, if we're direct and say he can't be godfather, what's the worst that can happen? Did you see The Godfather? I saw the wedding part.
Does anything happen after that? That Carlo seems like a wonderful husband.
- What are you talking about? - Uh, Mister Fat? There's a non-whacking matter I need to discuss with you.
I also have to tell you something.
Your daughter is cute, smart, and sweet as a hung jury.
So I will honor all of you next Sunday with tickets to Itchy and Scratchy's Christmas On Ice.
Now, what did you want to tell me? I, um, uh, stall, stall play for time (STAMMERS) I wanted to tell you how great you look in that suit.
Why, thank you.
Why do people have such difficulty telling me how great I am? This is the first business I've had where in the back room is just more of the same.
- Thoughts? - Hey, these diaper bags are great.
You could hide a brick of nose candy in here.
No, you mezzo arguto paisan! This is all aboveboard.
I want to be family friendly.
You mean "the family" family? I mean every family! Except the Branzinos.
Death to them.
ALL THREE: Death to them.
Hey, boss, maybe you can get your little Maggie one of these.
You would body shame a baby?! - (DOOR CLOSES) - I've seen enough.
This Sunday we make our move.
Can we make it Saturday? I got a thing.
- Move your thing.
- I already moved it for the thing that was cancelled for the you know what where we did that thing we did not do.
That didn't happen two weeks ago.
You don't know about that! You don't know what I don't know.
Um, we certainly appreciate all you've done for us.
Maggie has all the bling a toddler could want.
Don't look at me.
They fell off the back of a tricycle.
(CRYING) (GASPS) What have we done? Uh, Maggie! What are ya doin'? I didn't mean it! Maggie! Fat Tony, get away from my kid! That's it.
Fine.
I see.
Excuse me, there is an urgent matter I must attend to.
(BURPS) Homer, can I tell you a little secret? - No, no, please don't! - It's a good secret.
I'm finally getting out of this terrible business I'm in.
And into the slightly less cutthroat business of maternity wear.
I'm gonna get my soul back.
And Maggie is my inspiration.
- Aw.
- Give me one more day to prove that I belong in her life.
I'll see what I can do.
(GIGGLES) Legs! Louie! Get in here! Dispose of this.
I don't want to know where or how.
Ain't nobody gonna find this now.
Uh, marone.
You never forget that smell.
Remember: take the gun.
Leave the Zamboni.
Okay, this is it.
I'm ending it today.
In a public place with a lot of witnesses.
Well, Fat Tony, this is really fun, but where is everyone else? On the suggestion of my coworkers, who only have my best interests in mind, I bought out the whole arena for my dear little Maggie.
No audience means no witnesses! What's going on? Fat Tony, I beg you! Stop being my daughter's godfather! If you do, I'll clean for you, I'll cook for you.
I'll be your mama! God rest her soul.
I must refuse your offer.
I made a promise to God to watch your baby.
And he's the only boss I answer to.
Except that guy in Kansas City.
MARGE: Oh, no! No! We're stuck with him forever! Maggie's in Hell already! Johnny Tightlips! This is it, Tony.
You did the worst thing a mob boss could ever do.
Care about somebody else.
I thought you was with me on this double cross! We'll never turn on Tony! He's my cousin! I thought he was my cousin! Well, he's somebody's cousin.
And in this world, that's what counts.
You would betray me? (GRUNTS) (GASPS) No, Maggie, no! I'm sorry! - That's not me! - Oh, isn't it? Oh, my God, you're right.
I cannot change who I am.
Also that maternity store was a joke.
They look, but don't buy.
But, Maggie, it's not too late for you to go straight.
I'm stepping back as godfather.
- Finally.
- Thank God.
(GRUNTING) Oops.
Here's the keys to the SUV.
(BOTH GRUNTING) You have to let go for me to take them back.
I know, let me just open the doors one more time.
(ALARM CHIRPS) (GRUNTS, GROANS) Maggie, my darling.
Thank you for reminding me of everything that's good and sweet in this world.
And now, ciao bella.
(SNIFFING) Ew, uh, before you go could you? Just when I thought I was out, they drag me back in.
I'm not afraid to say it.
If this keeps up, I'm calling HR.
You mean Harry the Rat? He's buried right over there.
Shh!