The Simpsons s33e13 Episode Script

1 Listen up, ya pukes.
You're only calling us that 'cause we puked in the van.
You've been sentenced to complete "The Highland Trek for Troubled Truants" by the juvenile court.
So why are you in charge? Because this is my sentence from the adult court! Now watch the video.
Welcome, wayward teens and aspiring criminals.
The Highlands Trek will teach you resilience, team-building, collective mindfulness Stupid buzzwords! They mean nothing.
Just get your sorry arses to Ankle Rock by tomorrow at noon.
Uh, I'm not really seeing the ankle.
The ankle doesn't care what ya see! Oh, man, this is so lame.
They're just picking on us because we're thugs and badasses, right, guys? Nice backpack, Simpson.
What do you got in there, ladies' underwear? Lovely, you've already isolated the weak one.
But there's still one more delinquent to join your scurvy crew.
Hello, fellows.
Oh, my! I seem to have turtled myself.
Now, Martin, don't forget your nightly tick check.
You know how they love the little fat folds - in your tum-tum.
- Yes, Mother.
My magnifying glass and tweezers are in my toiletry pouch.
- Huh? - Uh Thank you, God! You sent me a dork so dweeby even I can pick on him.
Nice backpack, Martin.
What do you got in there, ladies' underwear? Good one.
Come on, Simpson, let's get this over with.
Oh, and as you wander aimlessly, freezing, hungry and weeping for your mothers, keep your eyes open.
Along the way, you might just find the greatest of all treasures.
Whoa, treasure.
This death march to stay out of prison just got interesting.
They're so screwed.
Well, better get off to me side hustle.
Woof, woof! Birthday Dog says, "Happy birthday.
" So, Simpson, what did you do to get stuck on this perp hike? Let's just say I got a little creative with some laundry pods.
Not bad.
Juvenile, but delinquent.
Not half as cool as what I did, though.
What can I say? I love dining al fresco.
Who doesn't? But check out what I did.
I wonder what Princey Pants did to get stuck here? Nothing.
I chose to be here.
Wha? This extracurricular activity will give me an edge with the most exclusive middle schools.
Carvingsley, Thistleberry Hall Stop being you.
Included in the shoving circle.
Could this day get any better? Wisteria Country Day Hey, Marjorie, without the boy around, - maybe we can - Mm.
And - Mm.
- And Oh, Homie, I like two of those things.
And I'll consider the third.
Non-problem child! Mom, Dad, with Bart away, I can now fulfill a dream I never dared speak aloud.
For one fleeting weekend, I want to live as an only child.
"Only child"? What about Maggie? Um, I kind of made alternate arrangements for her.
Time for a Flip This Bathroom marathon.
Ooh, baby, Mama loves her terra cotta.
As you can see on this pie chart, this is the time you spend on my older and younger siblings.
So, if you'll just humor a middle child's most frivolous whimsy, I would like you to spend the entire weekend focusing only on me.
- No.
- Homer! Of course we will.
Oh, it's wonderful! Oh, and for the next two days, I would like you to call me Jules.
I think an only child would have a name like Jules.
Okay! Our first only-child activity is gonna be playing horsey.
Start working on your neighs.
Who still sleeps in Mommy's bed? Seymour Skinner Who wears a toupee on his head? Seymour Skinner Who kisses Gary Chalmers' butt? Seymour Skinner He does his best with budget cuts Seymour Skinner Don't worry, guys.
I got this.
What the hell was that? It's a baby goat.
In a cage.
Yeah, okay, okay.
The best thing to do is just kick it and leave.
Hold on, goat G-O-A-T.
This has to be the "greatest of all treasures" that janitor guy was talking about.
What kind of treasure is a goat? Trust me, I've done all the disciplinary courses.
Outward Bound, Inward Pummel, Empathy Boot Camp.
They always have stupid word puzzles, and this is one of them.
We got to take the goat with us back to Ankle Rock.
Hell no I don't trust that thing.
Look at those frog-ass eyes.
Which way is he even supposed to be looking? Tough nards, goat-scroat.
It's coming with us.
Welcome to the Troubled Truants.
You know, this goat's pretty cool.
I think we should call him Axel.
No way! That name's reserved for Axl Rose, the god of heavy metal.
Well, this Axel eats metal.
My hearts of palm! Whoa! Axel likes nerd grub.
Let's see what other stupid stuff it eats.
My smoothie-shaker! My graphing calculator! My night crocs! Guys, maybe we should let him keep some of his stuff? You're sticking up for this dorkus? Maybe you're not the jerk we thought you were.
Return our sacrificial goat.
Or my scythe shall reap your souls.
Return our goat or die! Haw-haw! Haw-haw! Haw-haw! I think those skull-heads were Satanists.
Ah, great, we finally meet someone cool, and they want to chop us in half.
According to the map, this river goes right by Ankle Rock.
And, look, Dame Fortune has gifted us a canoe.
Let's splash this thing.
Come on, Axel, get in the boat.
Ugh.
Forget that stupid chomp horse.
Just leave him.
Yeah, bros before goats.
But you said he was the greatest of all treasures.
I'm allowed to change my mind.
I contain multitudes, dingus.
But if the Satanists find Axel, they'll slaughter every last hair on his chinny chin chin! We can just walk It'll take a little longer, but I can always use more steps on my FatBit.
- Walk? - No way! Okay, Simpson, you got to choose.
Boat or goat? Mm I guess I'm with Axel.
And Martin.
Your funeral, nard-bags.
Okay, river, to Ankle Rock.
It's just you and me, chum.
And, good news, the footbridge across the river is only eight kilometers away.
This day just keeps getting better.
This day just keeps getting better! Ha! My roll again.
Boy, my turn comes so much quicker when there's only the three of us.
This is pretty fun, Lisa.
I mean, Jules, Jules.
I didn't even know we had Suffragette Monopoly.
And there's the box.
Because it's been buried under the games Bart always gets to play.
And there are the boxes.
Ha! Yay! You landed on my protest corner.
- $250, please.
- Fine, here's two Lucretia Motts and an Elizabeth Cady Stanton.
But I want to wear the hat.
- Hmm? - Mm.
Is that the time? We're way behind on my list of only-child activities.
Hmm, "stuffed animal high tea, toenail painting party?" Do I even have toenails? Our sourdough should have been in the proving drawer 20 minutes ago! Honey, relax.
We have plenty of time.
Bart will be back in 18 hours.
Now, let's get moving, people.
If this bread doesn't rise, you're gonna see a side of Jules you never knew existed.
I'm scared of Jules.
- Stupid oars.
- Stupid river.
Huh? "Welcome to our Airbnb.
" What the hell's that? It's when rich people rent their extra houses out - for lots of money.
- Extra houses? Gah Oh! Al fresco! My parents won't let me watch Itchy and Scratchy.
But I do watch Caillou, a Canadian educational program about a bald boy fascinated by the world around him.
Sounds great.
Hey, my Code Orange Nuclear Cheezee Thingz! That's my breakfast, lunch and dinner.
You know, Bart, this summer, my family's going to visit Grandmother Didi and her friend Carol on Sanibel Island.
Mother and Father said I can bring a chum.
What say that chum were you? Shut up! Just because we both like this goat doesn't mean I like you.
I mean, come on, you're a loser nerd and I'm King Stink.
We have nothing in common, and we can never be friends.
Lisa Uh, Jules, slow down.
There's plenty of ice cream.
No way.
Bart always eats all the Mint Choco Smash.
And I don't get any.
Now I'm gonna finish it.
Oh, my gosh, it's time for my only-child beat poetry.
Okay, Mom, you're on bongos.
Dad, you snap.
A room to myself.
Becomes a womb to my self.
A solitary tree in this only-child family.
Not lonely, but singular.
Ya dig? Okay, okay, okay, next activity! Hey, we didn't get to do my poem.
There's no time! We still have Daddy-daughter piggyback ride.
Giddyap! Oh, this is great! It's so great! I'm finally an only child.
Faster, faster! Jules doesn't feel so good.
I'm sorry.
That's okay, sweetie.
All my best nights end with throwing up, too.
Where be our goat? But we don't have the goat.
The other losers have it.
Banish them to the dungeon.
Let us out! There's old lawn chairs down here! So what time tomorrow do you think we'll make it to the rock, buddy? I'm not your buddy.
I don't have any buddies.
Well, you could.
Just pretend to like stuff regular kids like.
Dial down the dork a little bit.
You think it's that easy? You don't know the hell I'm living in! My parents have me in a pressure cooker! Classical Greek club, waltzing lessons.
I'm going to explode.
And I have problems, Bart scary problems! I see two therapists! They email each other about me.
And I'm on drugs Focusyn to help me focus, Somnicrank to help me sleep! I hope you take those with food.
And don't forget Intriginol to lift my spirts.
Because they're low, Bart.
Ever so low.
Dude, you're freaking us out! And I didn't volunteer for this juvie-jaunt.
Like you, I was sentenced to it.
Because of what I did.
I broke into that pharmacy to steal more drugs, because I still wasn't focused enough to please my parents.
Never enough focus for Gareth and Gloria.
Whoa, you may not be cool, but you're psycho, and that makes you kind of awesome.
Your words of praise are but honey drizzled - on bitter greens! - Huh? You're only nice to me when no one's around.
Which makes you worse than a bully.
It makes you a coward and a conformist.
You're not a rebel or a bad boy.
You're nothing but a follower.
Come on, Axel, let's go.
Axel, no, you can't choose him over me.
Mm Axel! I knew you'd come back for me.
Oh, I love you too, goat, with your wet slimy kisses.
Ew, slugs! Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew! Hmm.
Oh, right.
I've been ditched, I'm lost, and the only people looking for me are Satanists.
Let us out! We'll do Satan stuff for you! Like grow pointy beards or draw them on with eyeliner! I ask you a final time.
Where is our sacrifice? We told you, we don't know where the goat is.
Then prepare to die! How? What time is it? What happened? Oh, sweetie, you got a little overexcited and barfed yourself to sleep.
Wait, I spent all night sleeping in bed between Mom and Dad, center spoon? It doesn't get more "only child" than that.
Wait, there's still time for us to do "a gender-blind production of The Crucible," whatever those words mean.
Meh, that's kind of a Jules thing.
Right now, I'd kind of rather just stay in bed and be a Lisa.
Mm.
I don't need that stupid Martin.
I can make it to Ankle Rock on my own.
Compass, which way do I go? Compass? Must not be getting a signal.
Ew, it's poop.
Nuclear orange poop Just like those Cheezee Thingz Axel ate.
This is goat poop.
Martin.
Martin! Oh, my God.
He's dead! Oh, you're alive! Man, you're a heavy sleeper.
That would be the Somnicrank.
Listen man, that stuff you said to me, you were right.
I shouldn't care what those bullies think of me.
Well, I'm glad you've learned that their approval - is meaningless.
- Help! Satanists are gonna kill us! Oh, my God, I've got to save those bullies.
Then they'll think I'm awesome.
No, then they'll think we're awesome.
Cut! You can turn off the voice-changing app, Madison.
Huh? Huh? Those little kids ruined the shot.
Wait? This is just a movie? They're not Satanists, they're film students.
The only thing worse than nerds are film nerds.
My cousin went to film school.
And now he walks dogs for a living.
Stupid kids! Now we'll never get into Splatter Fest.
Let alone win the Palme D'gore! You knocked the blade off its track! Those little dudes are gonna get sacrificed for real.
Now we're getting the performance.
That's the fear.
Oh, that crazy blade's going everywhere.
What do we do? Hmm.
The movements of the pendulum may seem random, but it actually swings in the exact pattern of Strauss' "Blue Danube.
" Bart, waltz with me.
It's okay, it's okay, we can make this work.
We can just add the kid corpses in post.
Oh, God, no! Our entire film was on that! My footage, my beautiful faked found footage! I can't go back to selling essential oils on Facebook.
No one knows what they are.
Haw-haw! Baa-baa! So then the po-po showed up and hauled me away.
I hate the po-po! Prince, you're a certified pre-owned bad-ass.
Hmm.
I was sure you'd get lost and eat the wee fat one, but you made it.
And that earns you the greatest of all treasures.
And it's right behind you.
It's the land you traversed, the journey you made, and the character you built.
Are you freaking kidding me? That's not treasure, that's garbage.
Nature is garbage.
Step away from those bad kids, Martin.
You'll be late for your violin lesson.
By the way, you play that now.
Yeah, they are bad kids.
Just like me.
And bad kids ride in the van.
If it makes you nervous, take a pill.
Maggie, honey, play nice with the kitty.
I just have to Oh, aah, the cat! - Oh, my God, aah! - Bart, Bart, you come back here.
- Ow! - Bart! Almost gotcha.
Oh, come back here! - Oh! Let go! Ow! - Yum.
I'm gonna send you back to Willie if you don't stop this.
You stop right now.
- Why is no one helping me?! - Give me that tub of ice cream.
Does anybody even see this?! Ah! Ow! Oh, let go! Shh!