The Simpsons s33e19 Episode Script

1 Mary's rolling in her grave ♪ I'd like to join her now.
♪ I come bearing an important communiqué.
It's from the marching band director at Springfield High.
Oh, did he get his swollen head stuck in a French horn? Uh, there's no mention of that.
But it seems one of the band's most important musicians injured his middle toe doing a high step in double-time.
That's footwork suicide! They need a replacement sax player, and they've requested Lisa Simpson.
Me, in the high school band? Yes, yes, a thousand times yes! One yes would suffice.
Pack your sax, Lisa, you're moving up to high school.
Three days a week after school, otherwise you're still in second grade.
I finally get to play with people who respect music theory and tradition.
Teenagers! Class, we have a new baritone sax player.
Direct from Springfield Elementary.
Largo's losers.
Hi.
Hello.
Now, if you'll turn to page 12 in your marching band songbook.
The theme to Hawaii Five-O?! Wow! Yeah, Mr.
Orlando is cool.
We do 50-year-old songs instead of 100-year-old songs.
Shauna Chalmers, thank you for joining us.
I'm gonna call you James Corden, because you're a late, late show.
He totally relates to us on our level.
Mm.
- Burnout.
- Waste case.
Third-chair slacker.
Shut up, woodwinds.
Okay, from the top.
Okay, cut.
Apparently Supertramp isn't giving us the rights to "Goodbye Stranger.
" No Shauna! I didn't know you played drums.
And I didn't know some tiny band dork was gonna talk to me.
It's me, Lisa Simpson? You babysat for us.
Last Saturday night.
TikTok is dumb.
Well, anyway, your drumming's really good.
Wow.
Dear diary, today I got a compliment from a rando about something I don't care about.
I have a diary, too! Oh.
People were playing eighth notes like it was nothing.
Band kids are the coolest kids in high school.
No fair.
Lisa gets to go to high school? I was supposed to be King of the Burnouts before she even got there.
Well, son, I guess Lisa's just unusually bright.
She gets it from me.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no! I left all my sheet music at school.
I have to go get it.
Ah Hmm? - Shauna! - I'm Shauna! Did you stay late to practice? No way.
As if.
You're practicing.
Being stupid.
You don't need to.
You're great at it.
I'm jealous.
Shauna, we share a passion for music.
Do you want to jam? Yeah, jam this stick in my eye if this conversation goes on another second.
Gah.
Fine! But I'm not afraid to admit that music means something to me, unlike you.
You're Shauna.
Hey! I'm sorry if I was mean back there little weirdo.
I really don't know how to take that.
Well, maybe we can talk about it tomorrow at my house when you come over to jam.
I'd love to! Where do you live? Okay, stalker.
Oh, hello, Lisa Simpson.
And how are you this fine evening? Dad, stop interrogating people, you fascist! Hmm.
Wow, you're really rude to your dad.
Thanks.
That's actually the reason I got into drums.
To drive him crazy.
But then I Turns out, I really like playing music.
It takes the suck out of things.
It does take the suck out of things.
I just said a light swear.
Well, sounds like you girls are having fun.
How would you know?! Yes.
Well, uh, dinner's almost ready, dear.
Lisa and I are eating at the mall.
I've been hand-rolling gnocchi all day.
Stop touching my food.
Food-toucher.
Look at all this science stuff.
Are you building a Frankenstein? 'Cause if you are, you have to tell me.
Ah, yes.
Uh, you're here to pick up Lisa.
She's at the mall with my, uh, challenging daughter.
Eh, tell me something, Simpson, do you like beer? Hmm, I never thought about it.
Well, I've been brewing my own Belgian ale in the style of the Trappist monks.
It's a, it's a stupid hobby really.
That is stupid.
I buy my beer in a bar.
I-I'm sure you do.
But, uh, just take a sip.
This is the most delicious drink I ever drank that could get me drunk.
You made this? Yes, I did.
If you'd like, I could show you how to brew it using these simple ingredients.
Beer has ingredients? - What the hell? - You have so much to teach me.
Okay, worked there, got fired there.
Got unfairly accused of shoplifting there.
Oh, shoplifted a ton of stuff there.
Wow, you've really lived.
In this end of the mall, sure.
Cool! A selfie machine.
Ooh, A Prom Before Dying.
I read that book.
It's about two teenagers who fall in love despite only having 45 minutes to live.
Sounds stupid.
Let's go see it.
It's on me.
Shauna's so great.
She's like a fun, older friend who's mean to me for no reason.
But somehow I really want to hang out with her.
What do you call that? Um, she seems young for a movie with adult themes.
You have to let her in.
I'm her big sister.
That's it big sister! Now let's go watch teenage sickos make out, then croak little sis.
- - Shauna, two, three, four ♪ Is my new three, four ♪ Super awesome, three, four, sister! ♪ You've made a very fussy enemy.
Well later, losers! That's what Shauna and I call people who aren't us.
Isn't that cute? Hmm.
Hmm, I'm not sure Shauna's the best influence.
She always seems like she's so over it.
Even when "it" is something nice.
Yep, teens are garbage.
Anyway, I'm off to 'Mers.
Don't you mean Moe's? No, Chalmers.
Now there's a different sad, old man getting me drunk.
Before we commence a new batch ♪ Let us chug deep the last ♪ Of the old.
♪ Oh, man.
Art thou as hammered as I? Yes, verily, but, Homer, Trappist brewing is about more than just drinking the beer.
It's about the traditions of the Belgian monks who created this divine quaff.
See, that's what I like about home brewing.
You're there when it enters the world, so full of promise.
And you know that if you pour your heart and hard work into it, it won't tell you it's pregnant just to mess with you.
Simpson! - Hmm? - I think it's time for you to brew this next batch on your own.
You think I'm ready? Oh, I sense great drunkenness in you.
Mm.
I didn't think he'd transform on page one, but I'm not complaining.
My horror-romance! Messing with parents is the best.
Wow, Shauna, you're so good! I've been thinking, you should try out for lead drummer.
They would never give that to me.
Even if I wanted it, which I don't.
Why won't you shut up about this? Mmm, these Cheetos are cheesy.
Shauna, listen, the last thing I'd ever do is imply that you care, but I think you're a star.
And stars are meant to shine.
So if you won't do this for yourself, will you do it for me? Uh I think I have cheese dust in my eyes.
Fine, I'll do the audition.
But only to shut you up.
Yes! Mind if I celebrate with a sax solo? Oh, that'd be great.
Sarcasm noted.
Huzzah, big brother! Thank you, petit frère.
Next audition Shauna Chalmers?! I am so out of here.
Mm.
Shauna! Shauna, that was great! I won't tell anyone how hard you practiced.
Like I care.
Thanks.
Um, Shauna, I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm Trevor McBride, star quarterback.
Cool bio, Jock Cousteau.
What do you want? Well, um, I couldn't help but noticing that you blew my mind tonight with your drumming.
I'm having a pool party at my house tomorrow.
- Do you want to come? - Mm.
Of course, your band friends are invited, too.
Sure.
I guess.
"Sure" and "I guess"? Crushing it! I don't know.
I've never been to a teen party before.
Don't worry, you'll be with your big sis.
Whatevs, it's all good, NBD.
What am I saying? It's a huge BD! Oh, I forgot to mention.
Everyone has to bring a beer to get in.
Huh, I think I have a hookup for some brews.
Hmm.
Warm caramel color, the foam is immaculately bubbled.
Beautifully brewed, Brother Homer.
Today, you have truly become my padre from another madre.
I wish only to be worthy of our humble labels.
Daddy? I know I've been kind of a B-word lately.
That stands for Brenda.
She's this total bitch I know.
So Lisa and I want to apologize by, like, putting on a little show for you.
Shauna, that is so thoughtful and-and Just shut up and come in the house! You're so embarrassing! Both of you! Sorry, Shauna.
Awesome! This beer is exactly where the chick said it would be.
Her name is Shauna! Learn three things about her that don't have to do with her looks, or you're off the team! Wonderful.
Shauna and I are finally connecting.
We're just like the Gilmore Girls.
And I'm Lorelai.
I'm so happy for you.
What? - Bravissima! Yes! - Yeah! - Wonderful, wonderful! - Yeah! All right! Welcome to the pool party, ladies.
We've got pizza, burgers possible and Impossible and hella soda, courtesy of my parents.
Love you, T-Man! Oh, my God! It's a little girl with a saxophone.
So cute.
Play us a song, Saxophone Girl.
Okay, sure.
I don't care what people say.
I just think music is one of the coolest sounds out there.
Want to kiss about it? Duh.
Trev, Mom and I are going to one of those fun escape rooms in another city.
Is it okay with you that we won't be back for seven hours? Oh, don't worry about them, Brian.
It's almost nightfall.
That's when teen pizza parties generally break up.
Bye.
Well, party's over.
Now let's make two separate recycling piles.
The beer is here! Uh, this is like one of those TV shows I'm not supposed to watch.
Our beer, someone stole it! But I brewed that with the malt of my loins.
Oh, God, please don't let Shauna have anything to do with this.
I'm gonna check her social media.
She lets you follow her? Of course not.
I follow her as "Rodrigo," a goth teen from Argentina.
Mm.
Oh, dear God, that so-called pool party is a bona fide rager! Our homebrewed beer is inebriating these minors.
We have to go save them.
The beers I mean, from those awful teens! Excuse me, have you seen Shauna? Big sister? Cool, it's a metal beer bong.
Thanks.
Hello, emergency? I'd like to report the abandonment of a minor.
The minor is me! Hurry, this party is out of control! What are you doing? Did you just narc out the party, you party narc? Where were you?! I was with Trevor, getting some.
- Some what? - Some smooches.
- Duh! - Your turn.
You give me that! Oh, no, this is terrible.
Homer, we need to get every one of those bottles, or my superintending days are over.
You abandoned me.
And I was really scared.
I thought big sisters were supposed to take care of you.
And I thought little sisters weren't supposed to be stupid, snitchy babies.
I am not a stupid, snitchy baby! It's worse than we thought, Chief.
This party's not just epic.
It's legendary.
Now, who could have given these teens so much beer? Uh, good evening, Your Eminences.
May God be with you.
Chief, those are no monks! You two are under arrest for subjecting these kids to the best night of their lives.
Well, there goes my career and my pension.
Oh, and also I'm going to prison.
Chief? I just breathalyzed all these teens.
They're all blowing 0.
0.
Dear God, they're already dead! This beer contains no alcohol.
Simpson, you-you glorious idiot.
You forgot to add the yeast.
What forgot the who? No fermentation means no intoxication.
Mwah! Your incompetence just saved our cowls.
Attention teens, you are not drunk.
Repeat not drunk.
Please examine your outrageous behavior through a lens of newfound self-awareness.
Please use this experience to better understand the pressures you're all under, and have more compassion for your friends, teachers, parents, and most of all, yourselves.
Over.
You bungling brewmasters are free to go.
My career.
It's saved.
Yes.
Whoa, Rodrigo from Instagram is crying at our party! Let's comfort him.
All right, yeah Yes, all right.
Sweetie, what are you doing at a teenager party? Shauna brought me! But I never want to see her stupid face again! - Dad - Mm.
Oh, Lisa.
It's been a week now.
Are you still upset about Shauna? I really did think of her like a sister.
Well, you still have your real sister.
Hmm? Well, your father and I are headed out.
We're gonna spend some Mommy-Daddy time.
Marge, did you get the hotel room? Because I got the chants and the incense.
Ave Maria.
That must be the babysitter.
Hmm? Oh, hello.
You look well.
Thanks.
I thought I might see you here at the house you live in.
What's going on here? Well, whatever it is, the awkwardness is delicious.
So, how's the marching band? I can't believe they made me quit when that kid's toe healed.
I hate Western medicine.
Oh, I quit, too.
I started a punk band, where I'm the drummer and the singer.
Just like Phil Collins! Okay, got to go.
We're called Brenda and the B-words.
I never would have done it without all that stupid confidence you gave me.
Wow, that's actually really nice to hear.
Shut up, it wasn't meant to be.
Anyway, I brought my drums.
You want to jam? I'd like that.
Oh, dear God, no.
Aah! Shh!