Saturday Night Live (1975) s34e03 Episode Script
Anna Faris
And now, part 4 of Katie Couric's interview with Alaska's governor, Sarah Palin.
Governor Palin, thank you for agreeing to talk with me one more time.
You know, sure.
Did you enjoy your week in New York City? You know, I did.
And I wasn't sure I would at first.
New York is, of course, home to the liberal media elite.
But Todd and the kids had a great time going to the Central Park and FAO Schwartz and that goofy evolution museum.
So it sounds like the trip was a success.
There were some funny moments.
For instance, I had 15 to 20 false alarms when I thought I saw Osama Bin Laden driving a taxi.
I was embarrassed to be wrong, but mostly disappointed I wasn't right.
Also, in an effort to bone up on foreign policy, I went to the times square area to see a film called The Bush Doctrine.
It was not about politics.
You went to the U.
N.
for the 1st time.
How was that experience? You know, it was just amazing.
So many interesting people Though I have to say, I was disheartened by how many of them were foreigners.
I promise that when Sen.
McCain and I are elected, we're going to get those jobs back in American hands.
How did the world leaders you met with react to you? They embraced me.
Both figuratively and a couple of them Pakistani guys, literally.
But they were all so welcoming.
Be it from Hamid Karzai, the President of Afghanistan or Jalal Talabani, the President of Iraq.
Or Bono, the king of Ireland.
On foreign policy, I want to give you one more chance to explain your claim that you have foreign policy experience based on Alaska's proximity to Russia.
What did you mean by that? Alaska and Russia are only separated by a narrow maritime border.
You've got Alaska here, and this right here is water and then that's up there's Russia.
So, we keep an eye on them.
And how do you do that exactly? Every morning when Alaskans wake up one of the first things they do is look outside to see if there are any Russians hanging around.
If there are you got to go up to them and ask, "What are you doing here?" and if they can't give you a good reason so it's our responsibility to say, you know, "Get back over there.
" Senator McCain shut down his campaign this week in order to deal with the economic crisis.
What's your opinion of this potential $700 billion bailout? Like every American I'm speaking with, we are ill about this.
We're saying, "Why bail out Fannie and Freddie and not me?" But ultimately what the bailout does is help those that are concerned about the health care reform that is needed to help shore up our economy to help It's got to be all about job creation, too.
Also, to shoring up our economy and putting Fannie and Freddie back on the right track and so health care reform and reducing taxes and reining in spending, 'cause Barack Obama, you know You know, we've got to accompany tax reduction and tax relief for Americans also, having a dollar value meal at restaurants.
That's gonna help, but one in five jobs being created today under the umbrella of job creation That you know Also What lessons have you learned from Iraq, and how specifically would you spread democracy abroad? Specifically we would make every effort possible to spread democracy abroad to those who want it.
Yes, but specifically, what would you do? We're going to promote freedom, assuring democratic values and ideals and fight terror loving terrorists.
But, again, and not to belabor the point, one specific thing.
I'd like to use one of my life lines.
I'm sorry? I want to phone a friend.
You don't have any life lines.
In that case I'm just going to have to get back to ya! Forgive me, Mrs.
Palin, but it seems to me that when cornered you become increasingly adorable.
- Is that fair to say? - I don't know.
Is it? Governor Palin, is there anything else you'd like to say, other than, "Live from NY it's Saturday Night"? Live from New York, it's Saturday Night! S.
34 Ep.
03 - 27 Sept.
2008 Anna Faris / Duffy You guys, I am so excited to be here hosting Saturday Night Live.
A lot of you know me from my movie, The house bunny.
I played a lot of parts where I had to be a dumb blonde.
Because of that a lot of people think that I am a dumb blonde.
I'm here to tell you, that is totally true.
I am.
And I just want you all to know I'm fine with that.
I'm just enjoying life, having a good time.
So what do I care if I'm a little bit of an airhead? But can I tell you a secret? I'll be in a conversation sometimes, and not only will I not know what people are talking about, I will forget who they are.
It's like my head is a prison.
But, enough about that.
I am so psyched to be here.
All week, I was like, "What day is the show happening?" and they were like, "Saturday".
And I was like, "You're joking?" and they were all, "Why do you think it's called Saturday Night Live"? But the thing is I had no idea it was called that.
I didn't even know this was a TV show until, like, an hour ago.
But the important thing is we're going to have fun tonight.
And I know a thing or two about fun.
Party! I forgot what I was going to say.
I remember.
We've got a great show for you tonight.
Duffy is here.
I hope that's a person.
So stick around and we will be right back.
Just beautiful neighborhood.
It's really, really nice.
You guys are very, very lucky.
I'm sure you know that.
It was nice to finally get to hang out with you guys.
Thank you again for buying dinner.
No problem.
Thanks for driving.
We really should do this again sometime.
It was fun.
- This is us right here.
- Here you go.
- See you guys.
- Take care.
Fun times.
Take care.
And there you have it.
That wasn't too bad.
Not at all.
I had a blast.
- Sheryl is so funny.
- She's hilarious.
- When she was talking about coupons.
- She's like a female Ellen.
I love her.
I literally felt a love for her.
How about that story about mark saving those kids' lives? Unbelievable.
A true american hero.
He's a saint.
His power, his effortlessness.
- His handshake.
- Incredibly firm.
Do you think they liked us? No way.
They hated us.
A disgust usually reserved for that of pedophiles, I'd say.
- How did we let that happen? - I don't know where we went wrong.
Am I crazy? We started out fine.
I mean I complimented them on their home.
And who doesn't love compliments? Was it rude for me to ask him how much money he makes? Don't be silly.
I thought it was rude to make you ask, like, 20 times.
If I made that much money, I'd love to talk about it.
That's how I feel.
Do you think she knew I was joking when I called her a bitch? - Of course.
- Are you sure? I just get so goofy after three glasses of wine.
- Who doesn't? - Not to mention the 4 at dinner, and the 3 at dessert.
- I should have eaten something tonight.
- You're on a cleanse.
Was there a weird moment when I brought up the wife swap? - I didn't notice anything.
- Thank god.
I couldn't tell.
- Except them getting horny.
- I saw that.
Really, really horny.
But not horny enough to let you take a picture of his penis.
- Like his penis is too perfect.
- Mr.
Perfect penis guy.
"It's just a penis, buddy.
I got one, too, pal!" He was going to the bathroom, anyway.
Did I say the "n word" too much? I don't know.
I just get a little insecure some times - I just felt it was one too many.
- The one to the waiter? Since when is 8 times too many, you know? - I don't know.
- I don't know either.
Mark got really mad when I made that joke about his sister's suicide.
He overreacted.
It was just a pun.
Maybe he hates puns.
Gosh, making new friends is so hard.
It sure is.
Turn here real quick.
Good evening, and welcome to the Gertrude C.
Ford Center at the University of Mississippi for the first in a series of three presidential debates, between Senator Barack Obama of Illinois and Senator John McCain of Arizona.
I'm Jim Lehrer, and I will be your moderator this evening.
Tonight's debate will primarily focus on foreign policy and national security, which, by definition, includes the current financial crisis.
Also, throughout the debate, I will urge you both to look at one another, up to and beyond the point it becomes uncomfortable.
So let me begin by asking each of you, where do you stand on the financial recovery plan right now before congress? I think the most important element of any bailout plan is that it protects Main Street as well as Wall Street.
Because hard-working middle class Americans shouldn't be taxed in order to rescue the nation's wealthiest 1%.
I would like to take this opportunity to make my opponent a proposal effective immediately, each of us suspend our campaigns and instead hold of series of three pie-eating contests.
Next tuesday, Kansas City, lemon meringue.
Saturday, Jacksonville, blueberry.
The following week in Dallas, coconut custard.
I don't see the value of this.
Maybe the blueberry.
What does this have to do with the issues in this election? Nothing at all.
It's what, in my campaign, we call a stunt or a gimmick.
Something to shake up the race.
- That's what it sounds like.
- That's all it is.
A little straight talk there.
Still, I'd like to hear your position on the bailout plan.
What the American people need to understand and what Senator Obama does not understand is that the real problem here is excessive government spending, especially congressional earmarks and pork barrel projects.
Like this one: $75 million to the Department of Justice for a program to notify convicted sex offenders when a child moves into their neighborhood.
I fought that earmark and got the funding reduced to $41 million.
And how about this? $8.
2 million for something called Tony Resco hush money.
I withdrew that earmark right after he began cooperating with prosecutors and I think you know that.
The fact is to fund all the other programs your planning will require a massive tax increase.
Once again you're not being truthful about my proposals.
Under my tax plan, not only would every american making less than $250,000 per year get a tax cut, so would most members of the Chicago City Council, as well as city building inspectors.
That's because my plan would not tax income for bribes, kickbacks, shakedowns, embezzlement of government funds or extortion.
I just thought of something.
Why don't you and I immediately suspend our campaigns and instead do 3 town hall meetings where we appear nude or semi-nude? I think the American people have a right to know what their president would look like with no clothes on.
I'm not comfortable with that.
I have two young daughters.
October 4th, Hartford, completely naked with optional posing strap.
October 9th, Nashville, see-through body stockings.
October 17th, Seattle, modified chippendale's collar and bowtie, with tear-away tuxedo or fringed leather chaps.
Again, I don't see the point.
I think we'll let the two of you work that one out.
But for now, let's turn to the war in Iraq.
What has this war taught us? As you know, I opposed this war from the very beginning.
When it was not the politically popular thing to do.
Yet, you voted against the surge.
A strategy I've been arguing for since 1985.
Long before anyone even thought of invading Iraq, I wanted to add more troops in case we ever did invade.
Think about that for a moment.
That doesn't even make sense.
Perhaps not to you Senator, but that's because you're not a Maverick.
The fact is, the surge was itself a remedy for a series of failed military policies by this administration.
Policies which you initially supported.
As you have supported this president 90% of the time.
My opponent knows that's not true.
I've never supported President Bush.
I have undermined President Bush.
Just ask any Republican.
I have always been disloyal to this president.
A disloyal, unreliable, untrustworthy renegade, who has abandoned my party whenever it most needed me.
The fact is, you simply can't count on John McCain.
That's why on november 4th, the American people will elect me their next president.
Now, let's turn to the topic of nuclear proliferation.
You have frequently been critical of this administration's efforts to stop Iran's and North Korea's nuclear weapons programs.
I have.
What would you do differently? First of all, I would use traditional diplomacy, something this administration has consistently refused to do.
Should that fail, then and only then would I try what I call playing the race card.
And how would that work? Take North Korea.
I would ask Kim Jong-Il to shut down his country's nuclear weapons program.
If he declined I would say to him, "All right.
I get it.
" I know why you're really refusing to stop the program.
And he would say, "No.
What are you talking about?" And I would say, "I don't look like "all the other presidents you've dealt with.
" And then, he would say, "Wait.
"That's not fair.
That has nothing to do with it.
" And I would add, "That's cool.
"I understand.
I'm different.
"I'm not like the other guys on the 5 and 10 dollar bills.
" It's a long, delicate process.
But eventually he'll have to give in.
And what if he didn't? I would try the carrot.
Dinner with Scarlett Johansson.
Would she agree to have dinner with Kim Jong-Il? For me, she would, yes.
Look, my friends, I have no idea who Scarlett Johansson is.
Let me tell you something.
No president should ever tell our enemies what we might do in a negotiation.
That's interesting, coming from the guy who's saying, "Bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb Iran.
" Obviously, my opponent doesn't understand there was a musical combo called The Beach Boys who recorded a song that went "Bar, Bar, Bar, Bar, Barbara Ann" which sounds like "Bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb Iran.
" Evidently he's unaware of that.
I had hoped to explore the candidates' views on the war on terror, but it looks like - we are just about out of time.
- May I throw out one more offer? My opponent and I both suspend our campaigns, we're air dropped into Waziristan and neither of us comes back until we've found and captured Osama B.
Laden.
It's a Maverick move, and it could break this race wide open.
I can't.
I have a fund-raiser at Rob Reiner's.
I know it's not the safe thing to do politically, but if there's any chance of catching B.
Laden, I would rather lose my life than win an election.
Really? You had rather risk capture by Al Qaeda than possibly become president? Truthfully, yes.
At this point, I don't really care anymore.
I mean it.
And that concludes tonight's debate.
I would like to thank our candidates, our audience and Senator Hillary Clinton who flew down here just in case Senator McCain didn't show up.
I'm sorry it didn't work out.
From all of us here at the Gertrude C.
Ford Center, thank you and good night.
What a romantic evening.
This might be the best first date of my life.
For sure.
It's real nice.
That's my name.
I am so happy that I met you.
Me too.
It's all good.
I'm mike.
What's up? I haven't been totally honest with you.
I didn't dump my last boyfriend.
He was arrested.
It turned out he was a lawyer for drug deals.
My goodness! That's crazy.
And as they dragged him away, the last thing he said was, "Your life is in danger.
People are going to be out to get you, "because of what you know.
Don't trust anybody.
" So you can imagine how happy I was when a handsome stranger facebooked me out of nowhere and asked me to go out on a date in the middle of a lake.
Life is crazy like that.
It is.
It is crazy like that.
How did I meet this guy How did I get so lucky He came at the perfect time I swear he's my knight in shining armor He makes me smile He makes me laugh His arms are so strong He could break me in half How did I meet this guy How did I get so lucky I've got to kill this lady Ideally, within the next half hour Then I can drive back home And catch the end of Monday Night Football I feel kind of bad 'cause she seems really nice But such is the life of a professional hitman I've got to kill this lady And then catch Monday Night Football I know it's only our first date, but I feel like we're soulmates.
It's true.
We have many similarities.
- We both love Gossip girl.
- Gossip girl, she's always gossiping.
We listen to John Mayer.
We both know who he is.
You're the only person I've ever met who loves The notebook more than I do.
Love me some notebook.
Sometimes I think you just copied my facebook profile.
This ex-boyfriend, he didn't say anything about computer discs did he? He did.
Right before he got arrested, he gave some to me and he said, "Guard these with your life.
" - Isn't that crazy? - It is crazy.
So where do you keep these discs? I can't tell you all of my secrets.
I guess this proves mom wrong I do have super good taste in boyfriends This is my all-time easiest job This girl has really bad taste in boyfriends I love the way his eyes dart about As if he's afraid that someone will see us I gotta kill this girl It's a shame that she's such a dummy I feel like I can tell you anything.
Then, where are the discs? They're right here.
Have you shown those to anyone else? Just my man.
Just my wonderful man.
That's real good.
I'm starting to get a bad feeling That this is the man who's been paid to kill me I bet his name isn't Mike Which is why he's confused when I say Mike I should have suspected that something was wrong When the boat was chained up and he shot the lock off Why did I trust this guy Why am I such a dummy You're right.
My name's not Mike.
How did you know I was thinking that? You've been singing out loud.
Are you going to kill me? I can't do it.
I lost my nerve.
Is it because we're soulmates? I got to get out of this lake.
I just remembered I can't swim.
I'll paddle.
It's Darren.
- I'm gonna have sex with this girl - I'm gonna have sex with this guy How did I get so lucky And here are tonight's top stories.
With the nation facing a historic financial crisis president Bush on Thursday convened a summit that included John McCain, Barack Obama and senior members of Congress.
Afterwards their efforts were commemorated with this banner.
Critics of the bailout plan say it will save Wall Street while it will do virtually nothing to help out Main Street and as always, you're on your own, Martin Luther King Boulevard.
Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson said the proposed bailout plan will cost taxpayers $700 billion.
To give you an idea of how much money that is, I can't give you an idea of how much money that is.
The 1st presidential debate took place last night and earlier in the week Obama said he would be at the debate whether McCain showed up or not.
Marking the 1st time in history the black man was more eager to go to Mississippi than a white one.
Police in West Virginia charged a man with one count of battery after he passed gas at one of the officers.
Meaning the Supreme Court may have to revisit the landmark case of Smelt it.
v.
Dealt it.
As the election approaches both candidates have been relying more and more on the support of their party leaders.
Here to comment, on the race, is one such leader the 42nd president of the US, President B.
Clinton.
Thank you, Seth.
And thank you, Amy.
And most especially, thank you, Duffy.
I'm here tonight because our nation is in the midst of a great crisis.
People ask me, "Who can propel America out of this economic free-fall "and put us back on track?" I tell them Barack Obama is the only Democratic nominee for President.
That doesn't exactly sound like a ringing endorsement.
I don't think I could be any more clearer.
I belong to the Democratic Party.
Barack Obama is also in the Democratic Party.
And I'm not a party wrecker.
I love parties.
A lot of times I show up at a party and people say, "Man, this party was beat until you got here.
" Yesterday I asked somebody, "Hey, do you party?" You can see where my support lies.
Do you support B.
Obama for President of the US? Let me just lay it out.
I support Barack Obama is something I've heard from people all over this country.
What this country needs is change.
Come January, we cannot have the same president.
Of course we can't have the same president.
It will be a change whether it's Obama or McCain.
That's true.
I didn't even think about that.
That is a great point.
John McCain would also be a change.
But, look, I'm not here to bash John McCain.
- You haven't been.
So, you're good.
- That's right.
I'm not going to trash McCain just 'cause he's a Republican or a war hero or a great friend who's hilarious and cool.
I will not.
I, for one, respect those things.
Still, there are many things we disagree on.
For instance, Senator McCain likes the show CSI whereas I love Californication.
There might be qualities about McCain that you respect.
But do you honestly believe Gov.
Palin is prepared to be vice president? Sometimes women will be uncomfortable doing something at first.
I have found with enough persuasion they will come around.
I'm still a little confused.
It almost sounds like you're endorsing the McCain/Palin ticket.
I'm going to say this one last time.
There is only one man for this job.
Watch Californication.
The sex scenes are so real that guy had to go to sex rehab.
President Bill Clinton, everyone.
A farmer in Ohio has carved a corn maze in his field in the likeness of Sarah Palin.
The way it works is: you enter the maze and then suddenly realize you're in way over your head.
Animal rights group PETA is urging Ben & Jerry's to replace the milk they use in their ice cream with human breast milk.
After which, Ben & Jerry's introduced their new flavour, chocolate chip mint, 'cause they're not going to use breast milk.
Nearly 300 tow trucks participated Sunday in a parade through NY in an attempt to break a record.
The record: least gay parade.
A Japanese artist is creating tree huts in New York's Madison square park which resemble children's tree houses and are meant for thinking, dreaming and remembering.
But will be used for sleeping, urinating and masturbating.
Sunday's 60th primetime Emmy awards were hosted by the 5 reality show nominees in an apparent attempt to make us hate television.
Now, we all know it's no secret that recent economic woes have had a serious affect on the travel industry.
In order to recoup losses most airlines are implementing checked bag fees and gasoline surcharges.
Here to discuss this trend, once again, is travel writer, Judy Grimes.
Just kidding I don't say "Hi" like that, but like this.
That was a little higher than I normally say it.
Last time you were here, you let your nerves get the best of you.
And I have to say, you still seem pretty nervous.
You sure you're ready to do this? Great.
What do you think about the airlines charging $50 for checked bag? Is there a way a person can travel without spending a fortune.
Actually there's a few ways.
Just kidding.
There's only one way.
I don't know how many there are.
I do, there's 8.
There's 18.
I counted them.
My friend did and she never lies.
She lied once.
But I wasn't there.
Not really friends.
We work together.
I work by myself.
I work out by myself.
I don't, I got kicked out of my gym.
They closed.
I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say maybe you're still a little too nervous? Just kidding.
You can come back another time.
I'm fine.
Besides, I can't come back another time 'cause I'm too busy.
I'm not busy.
I am but I don't have anytime for you.
I don't know how to make time.
But I know how to make pie.
I don't.
I do.
I'll make one right now.
I don't, I don't have a pan.
I've gotta buy sugar.
I have what I need but I don't have a stove.
There's a stove under here, it's hot.
No stove.
I have one at my house.
Let's go there right now.
We can't go, it's hard to travel in a group.
My car's not big enough.
We're in right now.
This whole studio's my car.
It isn't.
It is.
Get out of my way.
We're not in my car.
I wrecked my car.
I ran into a tree.
It was bush.
It was a man.
He was very upset.
He laughed.
He died.
It was a dream.
It wasn't a dream.
It was a movie I rented.
I bought it, now I regret it.
It wasn't very good.
It was OK.
Once again, thanks for nothing, Judy.
My name's not judy.
It's Nudy.
That's dumb.
It's smart.
It's not really anything.
My name is actually Julie.
You've always said it wrong, I didn't say anything.
I did but nobody listened.
Judy Grimes, everybody.
Police in Portland, Oregon, told a woman who was skating nude to stop after construction workers complained.
Which raises the question: what in God's name is happening to construction workers? A New Jersey man is suing two men for allegedly using Facebook to organize an attack on him at a bar.
By the time police arrived the man had been super poked beyond recognition.
Scientists reported that a newly-discovered chicken-sized dinosaur that lived in North America survived by eating termites.
The scientists arrived at this conclusion using a technique they call guessing.
A man in NY State pleaded guilty to public lewdness this week after he took his pants off before going into a doughnut shop.
The man said he only did it so he could carry more doughnuts.
- For Weekend update I'm seth meyers.
- I'm amy poehler.
Ladies, I got some bad news.
Due to the crisis on Wall Street and how it affects the investment bankers and hedge fund managers who make up our high-end clientele, until further notice, Scores will be closing the champagne room.
- What? No, that can't be.
- Ladies, please.
Without bankers, who's going to pay for the $100 lap dances and $800 bottles of champagne? Need I remind you, for each of those bottles we don't sell, we are out $7.
But champagne room, this is were we make most money.
You're preaching to the choir, but what can I do? I didn't get us into this mess.
But don't worry.
Just because the high rollers are out doesn't mean people are going to stop coming to Scores.
Lonnie has an idea on how to increase the numbers.
We're going to start letting in 15 year olds.
I wish I could do more, but my hands are tied.
We should do something.
The government, they need to fix this.
This is the problem with Americans.
You have money, you say, "Big government is bad.
Leave my money alone.
" But when you have no money: "Help me, big government.
"You're my only hope.
" I'm blaming predatory lenders.
They did this.
What happens to the poor people who took out mortgages they can't afford.
Those people are dummy.
Here's good rule.
You have no money, you no buy house.
It's simple.
What are you trying to say? You stripper, why you have to owe mansion in New Rochelle? That's enough.
So unless someone has a better idea about the champagne room We have to keep it open.
What? Ladies, this is our moment.
For so many years, the investment banker has been the high-end stripper's greatest patron.
Those brave men with their blue shirts and white cuffs and that mixture of Bravado and bluetooth, they paid for my miata.
And I'm not abandoning them at their time of need.
They don't have money no more, Chantel.
I'm sorry.
Was that all we wanted them for? Plus, they screwed up.
Shouldn't they pay for it? It wasn't just the investment bankers.
Everyone was drunk on subprime mortgages.
And we're strippers.
We know better than anyone how to spend money when you're drunk.
In a way, they were all lead into a metaphorical champagne room, where easy credit grinded against their laps and cooed sweet nothings in their ears.
And even though they planned to spend one lap dance with high-risk derivatives, they stayed song after song.
Until, suddenly, they lights turned on.
And they realized that their savings were gone and they were in a dingy used strip club with a pair of messed jeans.
I think I'm gonna cry.
I don't know about you, but I'm gonna be their for them.
Because I didn't become a stripper to turn my back.
I only turn my back if I'm gonna look over my shoulder and say, "You likey?" What do you propose? A Scores bailout.
We forgive all outstanding debt and for the next six months sell champagne at cost, and dances at 30 cents on the dollar.
What do you say? I'm in.
I'm in.
I'm in.
The champagne room is open for business.
You are watching MTV 4, the alternative to the alternative.
99% awesome, 100% of the time.
Next up, Deep House Dish.
Welcome to Deep House Dish.
I am your host, DJ Dynasty Handbag.
This is the only show devoted to House music and dishing out the latest House in Tech-Know music stars.
It's a political year.
Now that that's out of the way, please welcome my best friend and co-host.
What happened to your hair? I rode to the studio in the back seat of a Smart car.
- Smart cars don't have a back seat.
- Don't I know it? When I got out, looked at my hair, I was like, "Huh?" And then I was all, "What?" And then I was like, "Hairston, we have a problem.
" Because I'm your friend, you need to be aware that you just created an embarrassing situation for me and everybody else in our viewing area.
Bokay? - Bokey-dokey.
- All right.
Our first guest has a new CD entitled Turn your stink out.
Please welcome Kaylee Moore.
Girl please Don't get pissed at me Your man don't want your cottage cheese You squished into your jeans I can hear the scream From your skinny jeans Your skinny jeans are screaming They're screaming Kaylee, have a seat.
I need to ask you a serious question.
If you're not comfortable, you don't have to answer.
Last time you were on the show, did you or did you not have a side ponytail? It's true.
It used to be on the side.
My hairdresser moved it to the back.
I knew it.
I don't know.
He just said he prefers everything in the back.
I just got a chill bump.
That made me think about things I'm trying to work through.
Remember the time you were cold stone creamery and you got the chills so bad, you fell face 1st in your peanut bluster fudge barb? You see what you just did? In show bruisness, you have to build up a certain amount of sizzle.
Or you just sucked out all of our sizzle that we had accumulated up until to this point.
So, now we are in a sizzle rebuilding period.
Bokay? Babsolutely.
Moving on.
Performing all next week at club Rest Area, please welcome all the way from Australia, Bear Supply.
Calling all bears Cubs and others, yogis and boo-boos, Winnie The Pooh We are the Bear Boys Our mighty bear force Bear Boys Our mighty bear force Standing together for diversity Equality to personality My goodness.
You guys are so hot in Australia.
But here you are a laughing-stock.
- Why is that? - I don't know.
Bad marketing.
- Poor publicity.
- Big culture differences.
Or maybe it's because you're all so fat and over 50.
Before you start talking about people you need to make sure they're out of your hear area.
Sorry bears.
We forgive you.
Next up, performing this week on Liquid Nurishment Thursdays at club Complicated, please welcome, Moscow's own, Natasha Slovanya.
Mama better sign my check Daddy better sign my check Then I'm gonna cash this check And get so wasted with my boyfriend This teller better cash my check That be hard to no cash my check If I can't cash this check I get so wasted with my boyfriend My goodness.
Natasha, girl, you are hot.
Sit right here.
What kind of year has it been for you? A lot of firsts.
Please extend your story.
First time I try Tootsie Roll.
First time on horse.
First time I watch The View.
And no thanks.
Barbara Walters, too many views.
What is your favorite thing about America so far? Kenny Rogers roasters.
It's not fast food, it's just already ready.
One time, Dynasty got thrown out of a Kenny Rogers roaster because he graved the inside of some lady's pocketbook.
She was old! Old people get on my nerves! We need to get out of here.
This has been Deep House Dish.
We will see you at the club! It's your wedding day.
We all know how expensive weddings can be.
In today's economy, Googie Rene offers you affordable options.
How you doing? Are you ready to get married? Do you want a designer wedding dress, but you don't want to pay designer prices? You need to get to Googie Rene's Slightly Stained Wedding Dress Basement.
Some of these dresses have only been worn two, three, maybe 36 times.
Meet my assistant Ruby, who's been a bridesmaid over 14 times.
Ain't that sad? What you got there Ruby? I bet you can't guess what kind of stain this is? I don't have the time to guess.
You need to tell me.
It's got Kool-Aid stains under the arms.
See? Big ones.
So? Brides don't need to lift they arms.
Who you waving at? It's your day, let them wave at you.
Keep your arms down, stupid.
How do you get Kool-Aid stains under your arm anyway, Googie? Why you asking me? I told you it's not an issue.
This is how we bring you savings.
At Googie Rene's Slightly Stained Wedding Basement, we'll help you find a dress that you can settle for.
It may not be the dress of your dreams, but we guarantee it will be pretty OK.
You don't believe me? Then don't.
I don't care.
I'm never getting married obviously.
- I'm interested in this dress.
- You should be, it's a classic! But I'm not in love with the coffee stain on the bodice.
- How do you know that's coffee? - I don't.
You're right.
That's a circle left from my hamburger, Patty.
But don't worry, you just need to carry a white pocketbook with a wide strap to cover that up.
Listen to my assistant, Ruby.
If we can't figure out how to get rid of the stain on your dress, we will help you cover it up.
Like with a big white feather.
Or a section of PVC pipe.
Now, get on out of here.
I have to admit, I had mixed feelings over wearing a dress that I heard had been covered in macaw feces.
- What's a macaw? - It's like a parrot.
A smart bird.
But Googie quoted me a price I couldn't resist.
Only one person asked me what that weird brown stain was on my wrist and bosom.
Later she tried to friend me on Facebook I hit ignore so hard I broke my wrist.
That must have hurt.
At least you have someone who wants to marry you.
With Googie's help, I found the perfect Vera Wang and the price was amazing.
Thanks to a mysterious 4" stain down the front.
Shoot, that was probably barf.
- What's this stain over here? - I don't know, I just did it.
Girl, that's soup.
This is about savings.
Googie Rene's Slightly Stained Wedding Dress Basement underneath the Hunan Fort on Route 22 in Henderson, Nevada.
Josh is bringing his new girlfriend? And I think this one's a keeper, the way he keeps talking about her, I can tell he's totally in love.
I am so happy for him.
After all the trouble Josh has had with women, he deserves it.
Tell me about it.
This is Sarah.
Really great to meet you.
We've heard so much about you.
Thank you.
I love this restaurant.
I actually came here once with my ex and we had such an amazing time.
That was one crazy night.
It's really a cool place.
Can I start you guys out with some beers? Yes, please.
How 4 Edelweiss sound? - You have those big steins? - We sure do.
Actually, just make mine a regular pint.
Whenever I drink too much, I get crazy.
You do? You know, not as much with you.
But I used to be a little wild.
My ex-boyfriend was a terrible influence.
But terrible in a super fun way.
I'll be right back with those beers.
So, how did you two meet? At Sarah's art gallery and Chelsea and I was there for a company party.
We started talking and just had an instant connection.
It was a show with all my ex-boyfriend's artwork.
You have to come check it out sometime.
He's so incredibly talented and so good with his hands.
The drinks are here.
Why don't we cheers it up here? You're going to dive right in.
I don't know if Josh told you but Robert and I just got back from sunny Costa Rica.
My ex-boyfriend took me there for new years.
Did you go snorkeling? We never even left the hotel.
He was such a force of nature in the bedroom.
I found out later he had dislocated my pelvis, but I couldn't separate the pain from the pleasure.
Can we try to talk about something not related to your ex-boyfriend? What about hurricanes? I love them.
I was caught in a hurricane five years ago.
I was with my ex-boyfriend at the time and we were out in the open with no protection and the eye of the storm headed straight for us.
Luckily, Julian, my ex-boyfriend, was able to dig a trench for me to lay in.
And then he laid his chiseled body on top of mine and shielded me until the storm passed.
And the whole time we kept each other warm with the most tender love making.
After a few hours, I couldn't distinguish between the storm and the writhing of our naked bodies.
This is a human being we're talking about, right? Just thought I'd start you off with the signature bratwurst for the table.
And don't worry it's on the house.
You know, this reminds me a lot of my ex-boyfriend.
What? I just meant that people used to bring my ex-boyfriend free food all the time.
You know what? This actually looks a lot like his penis.
SATURDAY NIGHT SUB Synch.
: So.
Relec.
: Boogawanga
Governor Palin, thank you for agreeing to talk with me one more time.
You know, sure.
Did you enjoy your week in New York City? You know, I did.
And I wasn't sure I would at first.
New York is, of course, home to the liberal media elite.
But Todd and the kids had a great time going to the Central Park and FAO Schwartz and that goofy evolution museum.
So it sounds like the trip was a success.
There were some funny moments.
For instance, I had 15 to 20 false alarms when I thought I saw Osama Bin Laden driving a taxi.
I was embarrassed to be wrong, but mostly disappointed I wasn't right.
Also, in an effort to bone up on foreign policy, I went to the times square area to see a film called The Bush Doctrine.
It was not about politics.
You went to the U.
N.
for the 1st time.
How was that experience? You know, it was just amazing.
So many interesting people Though I have to say, I was disheartened by how many of them were foreigners.
I promise that when Sen.
McCain and I are elected, we're going to get those jobs back in American hands.
How did the world leaders you met with react to you? They embraced me.
Both figuratively and a couple of them Pakistani guys, literally.
But they were all so welcoming.
Be it from Hamid Karzai, the President of Afghanistan or Jalal Talabani, the President of Iraq.
Or Bono, the king of Ireland.
On foreign policy, I want to give you one more chance to explain your claim that you have foreign policy experience based on Alaska's proximity to Russia.
What did you mean by that? Alaska and Russia are only separated by a narrow maritime border.
You've got Alaska here, and this right here is water and then that's up there's Russia.
So, we keep an eye on them.
And how do you do that exactly? Every morning when Alaskans wake up one of the first things they do is look outside to see if there are any Russians hanging around.
If there are you got to go up to them and ask, "What are you doing here?" and if they can't give you a good reason so it's our responsibility to say, you know, "Get back over there.
" Senator McCain shut down his campaign this week in order to deal with the economic crisis.
What's your opinion of this potential $700 billion bailout? Like every American I'm speaking with, we are ill about this.
We're saying, "Why bail out Fannie and Freddie and not me?" But ultimately what the bailout does is help those that are concerned about the health care reform that is needed to help shore up our economy to help It's got to be all about job creation, too.
Also, to shoring up our economy and putting Fannie and Freddie back on the right track and so health care reform and reducing taxes and reining in spending, 'cause Barack Obama, you know You know, we've got to accompany tax reduction and tax relief for Americans also, having a dollar value meal at restaurants.
That's gonna help, but one in five jobs being created today under the umbrella of job creation That you know Also What lessons have you learned from Iraq, and how specifically would you spread democracy abroad? Specifically we would make every effort possible to spread democracy abroad to those who want it.
Yes, but specifically, what would you do? We're going to promote freedom, assuring democratic values and ideals and fight terror loving terrorists.
But, again, and not to belabor the point, one specific thing.
I'd like to use one of my life lines.
I'm sorry? I want to phone a friend.
You don't have any life lines.
In that case I'm just going to have to get back to ya! Forgive me, Mrs.
Palin, but it seems to me that when cornered you become increasingly adorable.
- Is that fair to say? - I don't know.
Is it? Governor Palin, is there anything else you'd like to say, other than, "Live from NY it's Saturday Night"? Live from New York, it's Saturday Night! S.
34 Ep.
03 - 27 Sept.
2008 Anna Faris / Duffy You guys, I am so excited to be here hosting Saturday Night Live.
A lot of you know me from my movie, The house bunny.
I played a lot of parts where I had to be a dumb blonde.
Because of that a lot of people think that I am a dumb blonde.
I'm here to tell you, that is totally true.
I am.
And I just want you all to know I'm fine with that.
I'm just enjoying life, having a good time.
So what do I care if I'm a little bit of an airhead? But can I tell you a secret? I'll be in a conversation sometimes, and not only will I not know what people are talking about, I will forget who they are.
It's like my head is a prison.
But, enough about that.
I am so psyched to be here.
All week, I was like, "What day is the show happening?" and they were like, "Saturday".
And I was like, "You're joking?" and they were all, "Why do you think it's called Saturday Night Live"? But the thing is I had no idea it was called that.
I didn't even know this was a TV show until, like, an hour ago.
But the important thing is we're going to have fun tonight.
And I know a thing or two about fun.
Party! I forgot what I was going to say.
I remember.
We've got a great show for you tonight.
Duffy is here.
I hope that's a person.
So stick around and we will be right back.
Just beautiful neighborhood.
It's really, really nice.
You guys are very, very lucky.
I'm sure you know that.
It was nice to finally get to hang out with you guys.
Thank you again for buying dinner.
No problem.
Thanks for driving.
We really should do this again sometime.
It was fun.
- This is us right here.
- Here you go.
- See you guys.
- Take care.
Fun times.
Take care.
And there you have it.
That wasn't too bad.
Not at all.
I had a blast.
- Sheryl is so funny.
- She's hilarious.
- When she was talking about coupons.
- She's like a female Ellen.
I love her.
I literally felt a love for her.
How about that story about mark saving those kids' lives? Unbelievable.
A true american hero.
He's a saint.
His power, his effortlessness.
- His handshake.
- Incredibly firm.
Do you think they liked us? No way.
They hated us.
A disgust usually reserved for that of pedophiles, I'd say.
- How did we let that happen? - I don't know where we went wrong.
Am I crazy? We started out fine.
I mean I complimented them on their home.
And who doesn't love compliments? Was it rude for me to ask him how much money he makes? Don't be silly.
I thought it was rude to make you ask, like, 20 times.
If I made that much money, I'd love to talk about it.
That's how I feel.
Do you think she knew I was joking when I called her a bitch? - Of course.
- Are you sure? I just get so goofy after three glasses of wine.
- Who doesn't? - Not to mention the 4 at dinner, and the 3 at dessert.
- I should have eaten something tonight.
- You're on a cleanse.
Was there a weird moment when I brought up the wife swap? - I didn't notice anything.
- Thank god.
I couldn't tell.
- Except them getting horny.
- I saw that.
Really, really horny.
But not horny enough to let you take a picture of his penis.
- Like his penis is too perfect.
- Mr.
Perfect penis guy.
"It's just a penis, buddy.
I got one, too, pal!" He was going to the bathroom, anyway.
Did I say the "n word" too much? I don't know.
I just get a little insecure some times - I just felt it was one too many.
- The one to the waiter? Since when is 8 times too many, you know? - I don't know.
- I don't know either.
Mark got really mad when I made that joke about his sister's suicide.
He overreacted.
It was just a pun.
Maybe he hates puns.
Gosh, making new friends is so hard.
It sure is.
Turn here real quick.
Good evening, and welcome to the Gertrude C.
Ford Center at the University of Mississippi for the first in a series of three presidential debates, between Senator Barack Obama of Illinois and Senator John McCain of Arizona.
I'm Jim Lehrer, and I will be your moderator this evening.
Tonight's debate will primarily focus on foreign policy and national security, which, by definition, includes the current financial crisis.
Also, throughout the debate, I will urge you both to look at one another, up to and beyond the point it becomes uncomfortable.
So let me begin by asking each of you, where do you stand on the financial recovery plan right now before congress? I think the most important element of any bailout plan is that it protects Main Street as well as Wall Street.
Because hard-working middle class Americans shouldn't be taxed in order to rescue the nation's wealthiest 1%.
I would like to take this opportunity to make my opponent a proposal effective immediately, each of us suspend our campaigns and instead hold of series of three pie-eating contests.
Next tuesday, Kansas City, lemon meringue.
Saturday, Jacksonville, blueberry.
The following week in Dallas, coconut custard.
I don't see the value of this.
Maybe the blueberry.
What does this have to do with the issues in this election? Nothing at all.
It's what, in my campaign, we call a stunt or a gimmick.
Something to shake up the race.
- That's what it sounds like.
- That's all it is.
A little straight talk there.
Still, I'd like to hear your position on the bailout plan.
What the American people need to understand and what Senator Obama does not understand is that the real problem here is excessive government spending, especially congressional earmarks and pork barrel projects.
Like this one: $75 million to the Department of Justice for a program to notify convicted sex offenders when a child moves into their neighborhood.
I fought that earmark and got the funding reduced to $41 million.
And how about this? $8.
2 million for something called Tony Resco hush money.
I withdrew that earmark right after he began cooperating with prosecutors and I think you know that.
The fact is to fund all the other programs your planning will require a massive tax increase.
Once again you're not being truthful about my proposals.
Under my tax plan, not only would every american making less than $250,000 per year get a tax cut, so would most members of the Chicago City Council, as well as city building inspectors.
That's because my plan would not tax income for bribes, kickbacks, shakedowns, embezzlement of government funds or extortion.
I just thought of something.
Why don't you and I immediately suspend our campaigns and instead do 3 town hall meetings where we appear nude or semi-nude? I think the American people have a right to know what their president would look like with no clothes on.
I'm not comfortable with that.
I have two young daughters.
October 4th, Hartford, completely naked with optional posing strap.
October 9th, Nashville, see-through body stockings.
October 17th, Seattle, modified chippendale's collar and bowtie, with tear-away tuxedo or fringed leather chaps.
Again, I don't see the point.
I think we'll let the two of you work that one out.
But for now, let's turn to the war in Iraq.
What has this war taught us? As you know, I opposed this war from the very beginning.
When it was not the politically popular thing to do.
Yet, you voted against the surge.
A strategy I've been arguing for since 1985.
Long before anyone even thought of invading Iraq, I wanted to add more troops in case we ever did invade.
Think about that for a moment.
That doesn't even make sense.
Perhaps not to you Senator, but that's because you're not a Maverick.
The fact is, the surge was itself a remedy for a series of failed military policies by this administration.
Policies which you initially supported.
As you have supported this president 90% of the time.
My opponent knows that's not true.
I've never supported President Bush.
I have undermined President Bush.
Just ask any Republican.
I have always been disloyal to this president.
A disloyal, unreliable, untrustworthy renegade, who has abandoned my party whenever it most needed me.
The fact is, you simply can't count on John McCain.
That's why on november 4th, the American people will elect me their next president.
Now, let's turn to the topic of nuclear proliferation.
You have frequently been critical of this administration's efforts to stop Iran's and North Korea's nuclear weapons programs.
I have.
What would you do differently? First of all, I would use traditional diplomacy, something this administration has consistently refused to do.
Should that fail, then and only then would I try what I call playing the race card.
And how would that work? Take North Korea.
I would ask Kim Jong-Il to shut down his country's nuclear weapons program.
If he declined I would say to him, "All right.
I get it.
" I know why you're really refusing to stop the program.
And he would say, "No.
What are you talking about?" And I would say, "I don't look like "all the other presidents you've dealt with.
" And then, he would say, "Wait.
"That's not fair.
That has nothing to do with it.
" And I would add, "That's cool.
"I understand.
I'm different.
"I'm not like the other guys on the 5 and 10 dollar bills.
" It's a long, delicate process.
But eventually he'll have to give in.
And what if he didn't? I would try the carrot.
Dinner with Scarlett Johansson.
Would she agree to have dinner with Kim Jong-Il? For me, she would, yes.
Look, my friends, I have no idea who Scarlett Johansson is.
Let me tell you something.
No president should ever tell our enemies what we might do in a negotiation.
That's interesting, coming from the guy who's saying, "Bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb Iran.
" Obviously, my opponent doesn't understand there was a musical combo called The Beach Boys who recorded a song that went "Bar, Bar, Bar, Bar, Barbara Ann" which sounds like "Bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb Iran.
" Evidently he's unaware of that.
I had hoped to explore the candidates' views on the war on terror, but it looks like - we are just about out of time.
- May I throw out one more offer? My opponent and I both suspend our campaigns, we're air dropped into Waziristan and neither of us comes back until we've found and captured Osama B.
Laden.
It's a Maverick move, and it could break this race wide open.
I can't.
I have a fund-raiser at Rob Reiner's.
I know it's not the safe thing to do politically, but if there's any chance of catching B.
Laden, I would rather lose my life than win an election.
Really? You had rather risk capture by Al Qaeda than possibly become president? Truthfully, yes.
At this point, I don't really care anymore.
I mean it.
And that concludes tonight's debate.
I would like to thank our candidates, our audience and Senator Hillary Clinton who flew down here just in case Senator McCain didn't show up.
I'm sorry it didn't work out.
From all of us here at the Gertrude C.
Ford Center, thank you and good night.
What a romantic evening.
This might be the best first date of my life.
For sure.
It's real nice.
That's my name.
I am so happy that I met you.
Me too.
It's all good.
I'm mike.
What's up? I haven't been totally honest with you.
I didn't dump my last boyfriend.
He was arrested.
It turned out he was a lawyer for drug deals.
My goodness! That's crazy.
And as they dragged him away, the last thing he said was, "Your life is in danger.
People are going to be out to get you, "because of what you know.
Don't trust anybody.
" So you can imagine how happy I was when a handsome stranger facebooked me out of nowhere and asked me to go out on a date in the middle of a lake.
Life is crazy like that.
It is.
It is crazy like that.
How did I meet this guy How did I get so lucky He came at the perfect time I swear he's my knight in shining armor He makes me smile He makes me laugh His arms are so strong He could break me in half How did I meet this guy How did I get so lucky I've got to kill this lady Ideally, within the next half hour Then I can drive back home And catch the end of Monday Night Football I feel kind of bad 'cause she seems really nice But such is the life of a professional hitman I've got to kill this lady And then catch Monday Night Football I know it's only our first date, but I feel like we're soulmates.
It's true.
We have many similarities.
- We both love Gossip girl.
- Gossip girl, she's always gossiping.
We listen to John Mayer.
We both know who he is.
You're the only person I've ever met who loves The notebook more than I do.
Love me some notebook.
Sometimes I think you just copied my facebook profile.
This ex-boyfriend, he didn't say anything about computer discs did he? He did.
Right before he got arrested, he gave some to me and he said, "Guard these with your life.
" - Isn't that crazy? - It is crazy.
So where do you keep these discs? I can't tell you all of my secrets.
I guess this proves mom wrong I do have super good taste in boyfriends This is my all-time easiest job This girl has really bad taste in boyfriends I love the way his eyes dart about As if he's afraid that someone will see us I gotta kill this girl It's a shame that she's such a dummy I feel like I can tell you anything.
Then, where are the discs? They're right here.
Have you shown those to anyone else? Just my man.
Just my wonderful man.
That's real good.
I'm starting to get a bad feeling That this is the man who's been paid to kill me I bet his name isn't Mike Which is why he's confused when I say Mike I should have suspected that something was wrong When the boat was chained up and he shot the lock off Why did I trust this guy Why am I such a dummy You're right.
My name's not Mike.
How did you know I was thinking that? You've been singing out loud.
Are you going to kill me? I can't do it.
I lost my nerve.
Is it because we're soulmates? I got to get out of this lake.
I just remembered I can't swim.
I'll paddle.
It's Darren.
- I'm gonna have sex with this girl - I'm gonna have sex with this guy How did I get so lucky And here are tonight's top stories.
With the nation facing a historic financial crisis president Bush on Thursday convened a summit that included John McCain, Barack Obama and senior members of Congress.
Afterwards their efforts were commemorated with this banner.
Critics of the bailout plan say it will save Wall Street while it will do virtually nothing to help out Main Street and as always, you're on your own, Martin Luther King Boulevard.
Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson said the proposed bailout plan will cost taxpayers $700 billion.
To give you an idea of how much money that is, I can't give you an idea of how much money that is.
The 1st presidential debate took place last night and earlier in the week Obama said he would be at the debate whether McCain showed up or not.
Marking the 1st time in history the black man was more eager to go to Mississippi than a white one.
Police in West Virginia charged a man with one count of battery after he passed gas at one of the officers.
Meaning the Supreme Court may have to revisit the landmark case of Smelt it.
v.
Dealt it.
As the election approaches both candidates have been relying more and more on the support of their party leaders.
Here to comment, on the race, is one such leader the 42nd president of the US, President B.
Clinton.
Thank you, Seth.
And thank you, Amy.
And most especially, thank you, Duffy.
I'm here tonight because our nation is in the midst of a great crisis.
People ask me, "Who can propel America out of this economic free-fall "and put us back on track?" I tell them Barack Obama is the only Democratic nominee for President.
That doesn't exactly sound like a ringing endorsement.
I don't think I could be any more clearer.
I belong to the Democratic Party.
Barack Obama is also in the Democratic Party.
And I'm not a party wrecker.
I love parties.
A lot of times I show up at a party and people say, "Man, this party was beat until you got here.
" Yesterday I asked somebody, "Hey, do you party?" You can see where my support lies.
Do you support B.
Obama for President of the US? Let me just lay it out.
I support Barack Obama is something I've heard from people all over this country.
What this country needs is change.
Come January, we cannot have the same president.
Of course we can't have the same president.
It will be a change whether it's Obama or McCain.
That's true.
I didn't even think about that.
That is a great point.
John McCain would also be a change.
But, look, I'm not here to bash John McCain.
- You haven't been.
So, you're good.
- That's right.
I'm not going to trash McCain just 'cause he's a Republican or a war hero or a great friend who's hilarious and cool.
I will not.
I, for one, respect those things.
Still, there are many things we disagree on.
For instance, Senator McCain likes the show CSI whereas I love Californication.
There might be qualities about McCain that you respect.
But do you honestly believe Gov.
Palin is prepared to be vice president? Sometimes women will be uncomfortable doing something at first.
I have found with enough persuasion they will come around.
I'm still a little confused.
It almost sounds like you're endorsing the McCain/Palin ticket.
I'm going to say this one last time.
There is only one man for this job.
Watch Californication.
The sex scenes are so real that guy had to go to sex rehab.
President Bill Clinton, everyone.
A farmer in Ohio has carved a corn maze in his field in the likeness of Sarah Palin.
The way it works is: you enter the maze and then suddenly realize you're in way over your head.
Animal rights group PETA is urging Ben & Jerry's to replace the milk they use in their ice cream with human breast milk.
After which, Ben & Jerry's introduced their new flavour, chocolate chip mint, 'cause they're not going to use breast milk.
Nearly 300 tow trucks participated Sunday in a parade through NY in an attempt to break a record.
The record: least gay parade.
A Japanese artist is creating tree huts in New York's Madison square park which resemble children's tree houses and are meant for thinking, dreaming and remembering.
But will be used for sleeping, urinating and masturbating.
Sunday's 60th primetime Emmy awards were hosted by the 5 reality show nominees in an apparent attempt to make us hate television.
Now, we all know it's no secret that recent economic woes have had a serious affect on the travel industry.
In order to recoup losses most airlines are implementing checked bag fees and gasoline surcharges.
Here to discuss this trend, once again, is travel writer, Judy Grimes.
Just kidding I don't say "Hi" like that, but like this.
That was a little higher than I normally say it.
Last time you were here, you let your nerves get the best of you.
And I have to say, you still seem pretty nervous.
You sure you're ready to do this? Great.
What do you think about the airlines charging $50 for checked bag? Is there a way a person can travel without spending a fortune.
Actually there's a few ways.
Just kidding.
There's only one way.
I don't know how many there are.
I do, there's 8.
There's 18.
I counted them.
My friend did and she never lies.
She lied once.
But I wasn't there.
Not really friends.
We work together.
I work by myself.
I work out by myself.
I don't, I got kicked out of my gym.
They closed.
I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say maybe you're still a little too nervous? Just kidding.
You can come back another time.
I'm fine.
Besides, I can't come back another time 'cause I'm too busy.
I'm not busy.
I am but I don't have anytime for you.
I don't know how to make time.
But I know how to make pie.
I don't.
I do.
I'll make one right now.
I don't, I don't have a pan.
I've gotta buy sugar.
I have what I need but I don't have a stove.
There's a stove under here, it's hot.
No stove.
I have one at my house.
Let's go there right now.
We can't go, it's hard to travel in a group.
My car's not big enough.
We're in right now.
This whole studio's my car.
It isn't.
It is.
Get out of my way.
We're not in my car.
I wrecked my car.
I ran into a tree.
It was bush.
It was a man.
He was very upset.
He laughed.
He died.
It was a dream.
It wasn't a dream.
It was a movie I rented.
I bought it, now I regret it.
It wasn't very good.
It was OK.
Once again, thanks for nothing, Judy.
My name's not judy.
It's Nudy.
That's dumb.
It's smart.
It's not really anything.
My name is actually Julie.
You've always said it wrong, I didn't say anything.
I did but nobody listened.
Judy Grimes, everybody.
Police in Portland, Oregon, told a woman who was skating nude to stop after construction workers complained.
Which raises the question: what in God's name is happening to construction workers? A New Jersey man is suing two men for allegedly using Facebook to organize an attack on him at a bar.
By the time police arrived the man had been super poked beyond recognition.
Scientists reported that a newly-discovered chicken-sized dinosaur that lived in North America survived by eating termites.
The scientists arrived at this conclusion using a technique they call guessing.
A man in NY State pleaded guilty to public lewdness this week after he took his pants off before going into a doughnut shop.
The man said he only did it so he could carry more doughnuts.
- For Weekend update I'm seth meyers.
- I'm amy poehler.
Ladies, I got some bad news.
Due to the crisis on Wall Street and how it affects the investment bankers and hedge fund managers who make up our high-end clientele, until further notice, Scores will be closing the champagne room.
- What? No, that can't be.
- Ladies, please.
Without bankers, who's going to pay for the $100 lap dances and $800 bottles of champagne? Need I remind you, for each of those bottles we don't sell, we are out $7.
But champagne room, this is were we make most money.
You're preaching to the choir, but what can I do? I didn't get us into this mess.
But don't worry.
Just because the high rollers are out doesn't mean people are going to stop coming to Scores.
Lonnie has an idea on how to increase the numbers.
We're going to start letting in 15 year olds.
I wish I could do more, but my hands are tied.
We should do something.
The government, they need to fix this.
This is the problem with Americans.
You have money, you say, "Big government is bad.
Leave my money alone.
" But when you have no money: "Help me, big government.
"You're my only hope.
" I'm blaming predatory lenders.
They did this.
What happens to the poor people who took out mortgages they can't afford.
Those people are dummy.
Here's good rule.
You have no money, you no buy house.
It's simple.
What are you trying to say? You stripper, why you have to owe mansion in New Rochelle? That's enough.
So unless someone has a better idea about the champagne room We have to keep it open.
What? Ladies, this is our moment.
For so many years, the investment banker has been the high-end stripper's greatest patron.
Those brave men with their blue shirts and white cuffs and that mixture of Bravado and bluetooth, they paid for my miata.
And I'm not abandoning them at their time of need.
They don't have money no more, Chantel.
I'm sorry.
Was that all we wanted them for? Plus, they screwed up.
Shouldn't they pay for it? It wasn't just the investment bankers.
Everyone was drunk on subprime mortgages.
And we're strippers.
We know better than anyone how to spend money when you're drunk.
In a way, they were all lead into a metaphorical champagne room, where easy credit grinded against their laps and cooed sweet nothings in their ears.
And even though they planned to spend one lap dance with high-risk derivatives, they stayed song after song.
Until, suddenly, they lights turned on.
And they realized that their savings were gone and they were in a dingy used strip club with a pair of messed jeans.
I think I'm gonna cry.
I don't know about you, but I'm gonna be their for them.
Because I didn't become a stripper to turn my back.
I only turn my back if I'm gonna look over my shoulder and say, "You likey?" What do you propose? A Scores bailout.
We forgive all outstanding debt and for the next six months sell champagne at cost, and dances at 30 cents on the dollar.
What do you say? I'm in.
I'm in.
I'm in.
The champagne room is open for business.
You are watching MTV 4, the alternative to the alternative.
99% awesome, 100% of the time.
Next up, Deep House Dish.
Welcome to Deep House Dish.
I am your host, DJ Dynasty Handbag.
This is the only show devoted to House music and dishing out the latest House in Tech-Know music stars.
It's a political year.
Now that that's out of the way, please welcome my best friend and co-host.
What happened to your hair? I rode to the studio in the back seat of a Smart car.
- Smart cars don't have a back seat.
- Don't I know it? When I got out, looked at my hair, I was like, "Huh?" And then I was all, "What?" And then I was like, "Hairston, we have a problem.
" Because I'm your friend, you need to be aware that you just created an embarrassing situation for me and everybody else in our viewing area.
Bokay? - Bokey-dokey.
- All right.
Our first guest has a new CD entitled Turn your stink out.
Please welcome Kaylee Moore.
Girl please Don't get pissed at me Your man don't want your cottage cheese You squished into your jeans I can hear the scream From your skinny jeans Your skinny jeans are screaming They're screaming Kaylee, have a seat.
I need to ask you a serious question.
If you're not comfortable, you don't have to answer.
Last time you were on the show, did you or did you not have a side ponytail? It's true.
It used to be on the side.
My hairdresser moved it to the back.
I knew it.
I don't know.
He just said he prefers everything in the back.
I just got a chill bump.
That made me think about things I'm trying to work through.
Remember the time you were cold stone creamery and you got the chills so bad, you fell face 1st in your peanut bluster fudge barb? You see what you just did? In show bruisness, you have to build up a certain amount of sizzle.
Or you just sucked out all of our sizzle that we had accumulated up until to this point.
So, now we are in a sizzle rebuilding period.
Bokay? Babsolutely.
Moving on.
Performing all next week at club Rest Area, please welcome all the way from Australia, Bear Supply.
Calling all bears Cubs and others, yogis and boo-boos, Winnie The Pooh We are the Bear Boys Our mighty bear force Bear Boys Our mighty bear force Standing together for diversity Equality to personality My goodness.
You guys are so hot in Australia.
But here you are a laughing-stock.
- Why is that? - I don't know.
Bad marketing.
- Poor publicity.
- Big culture differences.
Or maybe it's because you're all so fat and over 50.
Before you start talking about people you need to make sure they're out of your hear area.
Sorry bears.
We forgive you.
Next up, performing this week on Liquid Nurishment Thursdays at club Complicated, please welcome, Moscow's own, Natasha Slovanya.
Mama better sign my check Daddy better sign my check Then I'm gonna cash this check And get so wasted with my boyfriend This teller better cash my check That be hard to no cash my check If I can't cash this check I get so wasted with my boyfriend My goodness.
Natasha, girl, you are hot.
Sit right here.
What kind of year has it been for you? A lot of firsts.
Please extend your story.
First time I try Tootsie Roll.
First time on horse.
First time I watch The View.
And no thanks.
Barbara Walters, too many views.
What is your favorite thing about America so far? Kenny Rogers roasters.
It's not fast food, it's just already ready.
One time, Dynasty got thrown out of a Kenny Rogers roaster because he graved the inside of some lady's pocketbook.
She was old! Old people get on my nerves! We need to get out of here.
This has been Deep House Dish.
We will see you at the club! It's your wedding day.
We all know how expensive weddings can be.
In today's economy, Googie Rene offers you affordable options.
How you doing? Are you ready to get married? Do you want a designer wedding dress, but you don't want to pay designer prices? You need to get to Googie Rene's Slightly Stained Wedding Dress Basement.
Some of these dresses have only been worn two, three, maybe 36 times.
Meet my assistant Ruby, who's been a bridesmaid over 14 times.
Ain't that sad? What you got there Ruby? I bet you can't guess what kind of stain this is? I don't have the time to guess.
You need to tell me.
It's got Kool-Aid stains under the arms.
See? Big ones.
So? Brides don't need to lift they arms.
Who you waving at? It's your day, let them wave at you.
Keep your arms down, stupid.
How do you get Kool-Aid stains under your arm anyway, Googie? Why you asking me? I told you it's not an issue.
This is how we bring you savings.
At Googie Rene's Slightly Stained Wedding Basement, we'll help you find a dress that you can settle for.
It may not be the dress of your dreams, but we guarantee it will be pretty OK.
You don't believe me? Then don't.
I don't care.
I'm never getting married obviously.
- I'm interested in this dress.
- You should be, it's a classic! But I'm not in love with the coffee stain on the bodice.
- How do you know that's coffee? - I don't.
You're right.
That's a circle left from my hamburger, Patty.
But don't worry, you just need to carry a white pocketbook with a wide strap to cover that up.
Listen to my assistant, Ruby.
If we can't figure out how to get rid of the stain on your dress, we will help you cover it up.
Like with a big white feather.
Or a section of PVC pipe.
Now, get on out of here.
I have to admit, I had mixed feelings over wearing a dress that I heard had been covered in macaw feces.
- What's a macaw? - It's like a parrot.
A smart bird.
But Googie quoted me a price I couldn't resist.
Only one person asked me what that weird brown stain was on my wrist and bosom.
Later she tried to friend me on Facebook I hit ignore so hard I broke my wrist.
That must have hurt.
At least you have someone who wants to marry you.
With Googie's help, I found the perfect Vera Wang and the price was amazing.
Thanks to a mysterious 4" stain down the front.
Shoot, that was probably barf.
- What's this stain over here? - I don't know, I just did it.
Girl, that's soup.
This is about savings.
Googie Rene's Slightly Stained Wedding Dress Basement underneath the Hunan Fort on Route 22 in Henderson, Nevada.
Josh is bringing his new girlfriend? And I think this one's a keeper, the way he keeps talking about her, I can tell he's totally in love.
I am so happy for him.
After all the trouble Josh has had with women, he deserves it.
Tell me about it.
This is Sarah.
Really great to meet you.
We've heard so much about you.
Thank you.
I love this restaurant.
I actually came here once with my ex and we had such an amazing time.
That was one crazy night.
It's really a cool place.
Can I start you guys out with some beers? Yes, please.
How 4 Edelweiss sound? - You have those big steins? - We sure do.
Actually, just make mine a regular pint.
Whenever I drink too much, I get crazy.
You do? You know, not as much with you.
But I used to be a little wild.
My ex-boyfriend was a terrible influence.
But terrible in a super fun way.
I'll be right back with those beers.
So, how did you two meet? At Sarah's art gallery and Chelsea and I was there for a company party.
We started talking and just had an instant connection.
It was a show with all my ex-boyfriend's artwork.
You have to come check it out sometime.
He's so incredibly talented and so good with his hands.
The drinks are here.
Why don't we cheers it up here? You're going to dive right in.
I don't know if Josh told you but Robert and I just got back from sunny Costa Rica.
My ex-boyfriend took me there for new years.
Did you go snorkeling? We never even left the hotel.
He was such a force of nature in the bedroom.
I found out later he had dislocated my pelvis, but I couldn't separate the pain from the pleasure.
Can we try to talk about something not related to your ex-boyfriend? What about hurricanes? I love them.
I was caught in a hurricane five years ago.
I was with my ex-boyfriend at the time and we were out in the open with no protection and the eye of the storm headed straight for us.
Luckily, Julian, my ex-boyfriend, was able to dig a trench for me to lay in.
And then he laid his chiseled body on top of mine and shielded me until the storm passed.
And the whole time we kept each other warm with the most tender love making.
After a few hours, I couldn't distinguish between the storm and the writhing of our naked bodies.
This is a human being we're talking about, right? Just thought I'd start you off with the signature bratwurst for the table.
And don't worry it's on the house.
You know, this reminds me a lot of my ex-boyfriend.
What? I just meant that people used to bring my ex-boyfriend free food all the time.
You know what? This actually looks a lot like his penis.
SATURDAY NIGHT SUB Synch.
: So.
Relec.
: Boogawanga