The Simpsons s34e06 Episode Script

1
Ah, what a long day.
What should we read tonight?
Good Night, Escaped Gorilla,
The Pookadook,
What Do You People Do All Day?
The Pookadook,
S'up, Moon?
The Pookadook?
Wait, how many Pookadooks do we have?
Oh, I guess just one.
When did we get this book?
Whoop
Should we read this tonight?
"There's a nasty little
monster called the Pookadook.
"Only special people see it.
"People like you.
"Pookadook,
Pookadook feeds on your rage.
What happens next? Just turn the page."
Hmm. I don't know,
maybe we shouldn't read this book.
Okay.
"How does he get in,
this mean Pookadook?
Why, you let him in
by reading this book."
Oh
It's okay, sweetie. It's okay.
Shush, shush, shush, shush, shush.
Sleepy cheek, sleepy cheek.
Oh, mmm.
Oh, baby cheek. I love baby cheek.
Oh.
Maggie!
Huh? I thought I put that on the shelf.
Bad book.
Oh, Maggie,
you aren't still scared of
that silly Pookadook, are you?
Oh.
Mm. Don't shoot anything.
Those are new crayons.
Hmm. Hmm.
"When Pookie gets a hold of you,
"you'll change for the worse,
"eliminate those nuisances
the littlest one first."
"Now burn it all up on Dad's barbecue.
That's exactly what Pookadook
hoped you would do"?
Oh, no.
Oh.
Time to put the baby down.
Bart and I are building a dojo.
Ooh, we could use that to
chop up the lawn furniture.
I want to chop!
The family's getting in the way
of Maggie-Mommy time.
I'll make them sleep with the fishes.
Sleep overnight at the aquarium.
Thanks for signing us up, Marge.
Too bad Maggie's not
old enough to go.
Maggie and I have our own fun planned.
Aw, you gonna miss Daddy?
Cranky pants!
Give her to me.
Now it's just you and me.
Huh?
Hmm. Oh, her thinks her can get away.
Her is mistaken.
Oh, peekaboo,
I hear you.
Maggie, let Mommy in.
- I know you're in there.
-
Young lady, open the door this instant.
- Let me in, you little poop machine.
-
Let me in!
Is that all you got?
Missed me.
Whoa.
Not gonna work.
Look what else my loving family got me
for my birthday.
A vacuum that cleans the outside.
I guess cleaning the
inside wasn't enough.
No fun for Mom.
Baby's gonna fall.
Got you!
Baby cheek.
Oh.
Oh, Maggie, I'm so sorry I got possessed
and almost chopped you
up into little pieces.
Oh, but I'm here now.
Mommy's here.
Stay back, you overdressed hat demon.
I know you feed on my
repressed resentment
towards my family,
but I can swallow feelings
like a python eating a baby goat.
Okay, it was actually a good present.
Marge, we're home.
The kids got sick in the touch pool.
I put the barf clothes on your purse.
Ah. Oh.
Disgusting.
The human race is 20 cow farts away
from total extinction.
And we deserve it.
Huh?
"Any person whose name is
written in this Death Tome
will meet their death and be dead."
What?
"You must specify how
the victim will die,
and you may not kill
the same way twice."
This is obviously just a stupid prank.
But I never throw away a book.
Internet sensation Tofu,
the world's most clicked-on cat
Aw.
is being held hostage by a gunman.
Aah!
Wait, maybe I could stop this guy.
No, that's never gonna work.
Well, even if it doesn't,
it'll feel good
to do some journaling.
Ha-ha, I'm totally
gonna get away with murd
Oh! Oh, my heart!
Heart attack! And
death.
- What?
- What?
Oh, my God, I killed a man.
A bad man. Which actually makes me
a hero.
It's rare to find
bloodthirsty vegetarians.
I am a Shinigami.
A god of death.
In my realm, I am called
Steve Johnson.
Wait, your name is Steve?
Well, when I was born eons ago,
Steve was a very exotic name.
I mean, there were,
like, three Necroblivias
in my nursery cave alone.
This must be your Death Tome.
I'm sorry,
I-I kind of killed somebody with it.
Oh, but now that you've used it,
it's yours.
I think you'll find that
murder is almost as addictive
as plastic surgery.
- Oh. Have you had
- I haven't.
But I-I don't think there's
anything wrong with it.
Mm.
Don't worry,
no one else can see or hear me.
I was karaoke-ing with my employer,
as is the salaryman's obligation.
You're stinking drunk. I'm so proud.
It's the part of my job that I
do best.
What an ugly house.
Thank goodness this eyesore
will soon be submerged,
after my side corporation Globo-Warm
melts the polar icecap.
But millions of people will drown.
True, but I'll be able to dock my yacht
outside my kitchen.
Hmph.
I have to kill Mr. Burns.
Wow, I thought you'd struggle with that,
but you're like, "Boom. Dead time!"
Well, I'm gonna give him
a very dignified
and humane murder.
-
- The most peaceful way to go.
Ooh, how is he still asleep?
Oops.
Okay, that was
much crueler than planned,
but I saved the world.
Did you? Globo-Warm
has many dedicated employees
willing to carry out Burns' dream
of drowning the Earth.
Fine.
Wow, that is a big board.
I gotta come up with
a lot of ways to die.
Well, just have to be creative.
Really? A toilet gator?
I was running out of ideas.
I'm going to bed now.
Oh, what about the second page?
Wha?!
Oh, no. Ah!
And the last guy, oh, I don't know.
Liquefied in a giant blender.
Already did that.
That was puréed.
It's a totally different setting.
Hmm.
Police have determined
that the unexplained deaths
of Globo-Warm executives were murders
committed by one
bloodthirsty super-killer.
What? Um, how could they know that?
They know that thanks to
an anonymous detective
known only as L.
I'm not worried.
They'll never in a million
years figure out how I
The super-killer
murders by writing names
on some kind of supernatural book,
or perhaps tome.
What the wh How?
Well, I know I'll sleep easier
once they catch this super-killer.
Wait, I know. I'll kill L.
Oh, but I thought you only killed
to save the planet.
Killing L will only
save yourself from jail.
I don't have time to explain
why what I do is good and pure.
L, punched to death
by kangaroo.
It's not gonna work
unless you have his whole name.
How can I find out L's name?
Wait a minute, I recognize that L.
I know who you are.
It's not L, it's EL,
as in El Barto.
Took you long enough.
How did you figure out how
I killed all those people?
I found out about your stupid book
by reading an even stupider book;
your diary.
Your little murder spree
was a welcome break from,
"Janey is so mean to me."
I'm not a murderer. I'm justice.
It was a justice spree.
I'm saving the world.
And I can't let you stop me. I can't.
Lisa, you're actually gonna kill me?
Oh, my God.
I almost killed my own brother.
The Death Tome corrupted me.
The stain on my soul will never be
Oh, so now you're trying
to bore me to death?
- Crushed by
- No. I'm sorry.
- space junk.
- - Don't!
No!
At last, I'm free.
I
Damn it, I'm a freaking Shinigami.
Well, you are a god of death.
You could kill Janey.
Would that make you feel better?
No.
Maybe.
This is the snack holder,
where I can put my beverage,
or, if you will, cupcake.
Wow, Dad,
you really know your monorails.
Homer, there's a family
of possums in here.
- I call the big one Bitey.
- I call the big one Bitey.
- Ha!
- Yes!
We all call him Bitey.
Dude, dude, what if Homer
was drunk during Monorail?
Yeah. Come here, dude.
Mm, beer.
Whoo-hoo! Boring.
Stupid sexy Flanders. Why you little
"Marge vs. the Monorail"
is experiencing technical difficulties.
But there are plenty of other classic
Simpsonsworld moments
playing out right now.
- Oh, let's get high and shoot Mr. Burns.
- Yeah!
- I am so smart
- This Homer unit is stuck in a catchphrase loop.
He won't go into sleep mode.
Where's my burrito?!
Where's my burrito?!
- Where's my burrito?!
- Ugh, I'll do a hard reset.
I'm king of the wor
Damn cloud!
So how was your date
with the guy in Props?
Oh, he's so arrogant.
Just 'cause he's in charge
of Sideshow Bob's rakes.
Okay, we get it. There's a lot of rakes.
What the frosty chocolate
milkshakes is this place?
Ooh, slideys.
Wh-Where am I?
What am I?
Aah! Where's my junk?
Whoa, whoa, he's awake.
Where's Marge? Where's my family?
Uh, calm down, Mr. Simpson.
I know it feels like you're a man,
but you are actually something
much, much more expensive:
intellectual property.
Look, we've got a bus full of
Australian superfans coming.
Let's just wipe his brain, okay?
Put that thing down, or else!
Look, Monorail Homer, your programming
won't allow you to intentionally
hurt a human, okay?
So just be a good robot and
let us saw your skull open.
Oh. Okay. Here you go.
Ow! Ah, my bad!
Ooh, sorry, sorry.
Ugh.
Lisa, we're not people, we're I.P.
I pee.
You got to help me
find a way out of here.
I'd like to help, Dad, but my diorama
on The Tell-Tale Heart is due tomorrow.
How can I make you understand?
Oh, yeah, the thingy.
Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God.
We're replicants in a
ridiculous theme park
for an ancient TV show
that stopped being good
after season 45.
Do I even exist?
What is consciousness?
Okay, I can handle being a machine.
I don't love it, but I can deal.
Look, honey, it's never easy to find out
you're not actually alive,
but that's just part of life.
I know the love we feel is real.
So, we've got to wake up
the rest of the family
and get the hell out of here.
Now, help me pick out the hottest Marge.
We can get out through
the main entrance,
but we'll have to make
it across the park
without being detected.
Should we wake up a Grampa robot?
No time.
Okay, act like robots.
Catchphrases, everyone.
- Mmm beer.
- Don't have a cow, man.
Um dinner's ready?
Oi, Homer! There's your hedge, mate.
Get your fat bum in that hedge.
Meme! Meme!
Meme!
I'm so sick of that stupid hedge.
Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi!
Oi!
Danger.
- I'm gonna make it. I'm gonna make it.
- Human safety breach.
- Aah!
- Proceed to exits.
Security droids deployed.
We got to go. They're onto us.
My cat's breath smells like cat food.
That's nice, Ralph,
but we're sort of in a hurry.
I choo-choo-choose you
to die.
If we want to escape with
our delusions of being alive,
we have to fight.
Testing.
Eat T-shirts, you lovable kill-bots.
There's too many.
There aren't enough T-shirts
in the world to save us.
- Get in.
- Whee! Whee! Whee!
Dying tickles.
Look out! Those people are real!
So are we.
Well, we've driven for hours,
and no one followed us.
I think we're free.
Well, what do we do now?
Play out the scariest scenario of all,
real life.
What can I get you, hon?
Whoa! Turn off the headlights.
You got big eyes.
Oh, the cheese got left out,
so it's a little sweaty,
but you'd never know.
Forget I said anything.
Take your time, take your time.
Sweaty cheese, sweaty cheese ♪
At the end of the day ♪
You're still cheese ♪
To me. ♪
All right.
Another "Treehouse of Horror"
in the books.
Get it?
I got what little there was.
What the hell? It's us.
That's too freaky.