Saturday Night Live (1975) s34e12 Episode Script
Neil Patrick Harris
Good evening.
I'm Rachel Maddow.
It's been a wild and controversial week in the U.
S.
Senate beginning Tuesday when Rod Blagojevich appointee, Roland Burris, showed up hoping to take his seat has the newest senator from Illinois only to be turned away at the front gate.
Mr.
Burris joins us now from Washington.
Please call me Senator Burris.
That's not official yet.
It's been quite a week for you.
Tell us what happened on Tuesday.
As you know, I was appointed by my dear friend the honorable and recently impeached Governor Blagojevich.
Because of that you were warned many times that your appointment would not be recognized.
Yet, you flew down to Washington anyway.
I sure did.
I'm a four-time elected official state-wide so I know when it's time to go to work.
I went on priceline.
com and I found myself a very reasonable ticket on southwest airlines.
And before I knew it I was landing at an airport within a 50-mile drive of the greater D.
C.
area.
Priceline negotiator! So, you just showed up.
What did you expect would happen? I expected to be sworn in and seated as a U.
S.
senator, but I guess it wasn't my day.
I was told that my credentials were not in order, and I was kindly escorted out of the building.
But don't worry, I'm sure that the matter will be cleared up.
I'm very qualified.
I've held four state positions and three of them have been comptroller.
Fair enough.
Tell us what happened after you were turned away on Tuesday.
On Wednesday, I was very happy because I was able to meet with senate majority leader, Harry Reed, and that meeting was very productive.
What did he say? He told me that my credentials were not in order, and I was escorted out of the building.
Sorry to hear that.
What happened the next day? On Thursday, I proudly walked through the Senate doors and then after breaking away from my tour group, I noticed that someone had left a fire exit open.
So, I proceeded to take my rightful place as junior senator by commando crawling through the ceiling vents.
As I was approaching the Senate floor, I collapsed through the ceiling causing me to plunge into some kind of a coffee break room.
What happened then? I was told that my credentials were not in order, and again, I was escorted out of the building and given the telephone number to a local Jamaican taxi service.
We have a picture of that.
It looks like you're wearing a disguise of some sort.
Yes, I thought my fellow senators would find it humorous.
Did you try again on Friday? Last night I need to blow off a little steam so I went to a popular D.
C.
nightclub called Oxygen.
There I explained to the gentlemen at the door that I was a four-time elected official and three-time comptroller.
But when I got there, I was told that my credentials were not in order, and I was escorted out of the building.
I'm sorry to hear that.
Now, Harry Reid has stated that this has nothing to do with race.
- Do you believe that? - Absolutely.
Harry Reid never wanted this race to come to this.
And I'm sure that the other 99 white senators feel the same way.
They would love to see the black population of the Senate rocket up to 1%.
I'm a dreamer, and I envision a day when the U.
S.
Senate will have the same percentage of African-Americans as say the state of Utah.
Or the Country Music Awards.
- Good luck to you, Mr.
Burris.
- Thank you.
Joining us now is the man who appointed Mr.
Burris, Illinois Governor, Rod Blagojevich.
Good evening, Governor.
You thought I'd gone away, didn't you? Sorry to spoil your party there, Billie Jean King.
You must be pleased that your appointee might actually make it into the senate even after Harry Reid said he would never seat someone you picked.
I couldn't be happier, Ellen.
Like I said to Harry Reid on the phone, I'm gonna watch my language here by substituting a word.
I said, "if you sex me, Harry, "I will sex you so hard you'll wish you'd never been born.
" And I told him to go sex himself, and I hung up the phone.
Yesterday you were impeached by the state legislature 114-1.
Closer than I thought.
You got to understand, getting impeached in Illinois is nothing.
It's like a prank.
It's just part of the swearing-in ceremony.
You got me, K.
D.
Lang? And you maintained your innocence in a press conference yesterday where you have several sick and handicapped people stand behind you.
Don't you find that a little exploitive? Exploitive? Sex you.
Governor, when will you leave office? Never.
Never, Chachi.
I'm not going anywhere.
I'm stuck here like a Dutch kid with his thumb in a dike.
Sound familiar, Kyle McLaughlin? I'm cutting you off.
Thank you to Mr.
Burris, no thanks to Governor Blagojevich, and Live from New York, it's Saturday Night! S.
34 Ep.
12 - 10 Jan.
2009 Neil Patrick Harris / Taylor Swift Thank you very much.
It is just wonderful to be here tonight.
This is honestly a dream come true for me.
Some of you may know me from the show, How I Met Your Mother.
I'm currently on it.
But a little known fact, I almost hosted SNL back in 1990 when I was the star of a different program called Doogie Howser, M.
D.
Which, by the way, one of the first television shows created on a dare.
I remember I was in the running to host, but ultimately, they went in a different direction.
They chose Fred Savage from The Wonder Years.
Thank you for not applauding.
I was fine with that.
Was I disappointed? Maybe.
It's hard to remember.
I mean, that was 18 years, one month and 14 days ago.
That was 1990.
A lot has changed since then.
We've both moved on.
There's no use dwelling in the past, right? Though, if you do dwell on the tape of the Fred Savage show, as I was doing earlier today, you'll notice that even though everyone said it was so good, it has flaws.
He opened with the church lady where he played a tiny church lady.
Who can hit an home-run with that? I remember his 2nd sketch was 5 minutes and 35 seconds and he took a 3rd beat in the extra pause.
I turned to my girlfriend and I was like "is he allergic to timing?" She was like "why won't you kiss me?", I was like, "later".
"Look at this guy".
That was a long time ago.
And now finally at long last, it's my turn.
Nothing can spoil this moment.
We have a I love you in How I Met Your Mother.
Thank you very much.
You want to know how I met your mother? I went to a fireworks factory, and I asked for their best bang.
Thank you for bringing that energy to the show.
You know how I met your mother? I saw her in line at the Welfare Office.
Wait.
So, you were in line for Welfare, too? So anyway, we have a gr Guess what? You know how I met your mother? They had a story about her on the news.
"Elephant escapes from the zoo.
" You saw her on the news? Then you didn't actually meet her? I did, 'cause then she goes to a plastic surgeon, and he's like "I want a refund".
The plastic surgeon wanted a refund? So, he goes "No refunds.
" You didn't really think that through, did you? No, I did not.
Guys, come on.
Could you not do this now? Cool it, guys.
Come on.
Leave him alone.
Mark Wahlberg.
You know these guys? They're my 3 best friends.
They based Entourage on us.
This is Turtle and these are the other two.
That must be a lot of fun for you guys.
Yeah, it is.
Anyways, it was good talking to you.
Say hello to the cast of How I Met Your Mother for me, OK? I will.
We've got a great show.
Taylor swift is here.
So, stick around around.
We'll be right back.
From NBC News, this is Today with Kathie Lee Gifford and Hoda Kotb.
Welcome to the fourth hour of The Today Show.
I'm Kathie Lee Gifford, and I'm, like, so menauposal.
And I'm Hoda Kotb.
I'm never going to get past that weird name.
What? It's weird.
Hoda comes from the land of no vowel.
There's an "o" in there.
- What? - An "o" is a vowel.
- No, it's not.
- It is.
Someone look it up.
"O" is a vowel.
Look it up.
Calm down, you.
We've got a lot of ground to cover today.
Let's get to it.
What's up first on the scoop, Hoda woman-with-no-vowels-in-her-name? I will tell you Kathy chica.
It's mannyhose.
What the heck are mannyhose? I'll tell you.
You know, it says here that they are pantyhose - for men.
- What? For men? For men.
Apparently men like to wear them because, get this, they like the feel of them.
No, they don't.
I guess we've done with that topic.
Mannyhose.
Try full-body spanx? You hear that? You should see me get dressed at night.
See me get undressed.
It's like opening a tube of pop and fresh dough.
- What does old Frank think about that? - Frank who? I used to call him a love machine.
Now, the most I can hope for is a drive by goose when he buzzes past me on his hover-round.
Come on, you've seen him.
What's the next topic, Hody-oh-you-little-ho? You guys like hoes? 'Cause we got one right here.
It's a joke on her name.
It's an Egyptian name.
- What? No, it's not.
- Yes, it is.
Come on Yoda.
What's the next scoop? - In the Denver airport - Give me that.
In the Denver airport they've installed a vending machine that serves hot pizza.
This is a scoop? You know what they should do? They should have vending machines for umbrellas, right? Because, you know, sometimes you're out there and it starts raining and you don't have an umbrella.
That never happens.
I just called my car service.
Why don't you call Frank? He can come get you in his hover-round.
Frank is on his 3rd set of titanium knees, so a little sensitivity would be nice.
There's two types of people in the world.
People that get it, and people that don't.
And the people that don't get it know who they are.
Next topic.
Are mini-horses the new hot pet? Please, tell me no.
Yes! Everyone in Greenwich has a mini-horse.
I got Frank one.
He just puts that thing on his lap, jumps in his hover round and rides all over the neighborhood with it.
I guess the scoop is over now.
That's kind of rude.
We only got to three of the 15 topics we were supposed to cover today.
We are get to them tomorrow san.
This will be a treat.
Fitness Guru, Ian Price, is here, and he's going to work out our bodies.
Work our bodies.
Hoda likes the sound of that.
When was the last time you got some, Data? And he's going to help us burn off some of those holiday pounds with a quick, easy, please tell me it's easy, workout routine, right? It is.
- Hello, Ian.
- Hello, ladies.
You know what I did on New Year's Eve? I ate a whole tray of minicannolis while thinking about the '80s.
We got a lot to cover today.
So, let's get started.
Who has time to work out these days? I sure don't and neither do my clients.
Clients like Jackie Stallone, Rebbie Jackson, Mrs.
Dr.
Phil McGraw, Jackay and Bea Arthur Jr.
I developed this routine that you can do in just 3 min a day.
It's fun and it's easy.
And here we go.
Box step.
And box step.
And now, grapevine.
- I don't have a grapevine.
- Now, just pulse it.
And punch it out.
And now, walk it out.
And crank it.
And Russian dance.
And now thrust.
Now, tip your hat and electric slide, do-si-do, now cotton eyed joe.
Now, double time.
Is ringing any bells? Big Uh-Huh-Ho! Let's get into a squat position and we bounce No men in her life.
And punch it out.
Don't stop moving.
We're burning fat here.
You're OK? She's fine.
Thank you, Ian Price.
We'll be right back with Allison Janney who's gonna us her favorite recipes for wintertime totties.
That I can do.
Hey, guys! Everybody! Will you settle down please, OK? As you all know, Broadway is in trouble, and that's why we're all here.
You know me, I'm the phantom of the opera.
And I'm Mark from Rent, the Pulitzer prize-winning musical.
Unbelievable.
We know it's bad out there.
And we're all struggling.
Some people are even having a hard time paying rent.
Please, don't do that anymore.
First off, is everyone here? Everyone except Jeremy Piven.
But I don't think he has a good excuse.
I don't doubt it.
We need everyone's best ideas to save Broadway, all right? Let's get started.
Yes, you.
It is I, the magical Mr.
Mistoffelees.
And here's my suggestion.
We need to feel the wonder.
Oh, man.
You people from Cats, you think you're so great.
Seriously, you think you're the Michael Jordan of Broadway.
You guys don't know who Michael Jordan is? He was like the Tommy Tune of basketball.
Who's next? What about you, music man? We got a Devil's pickle putting people into seats We got actors being forced to find real jobs well We got trouble Right here in New York city I'm talking trouble with a capital "T" That rhymes with "C" and that stands for Cutco knives Now, just $49.
95.
Stop, please professor.
Those knives are amazing.
They're like the Rent of knives.
Cool it.
Can we just stop f-ing around, 'cause if Wicked closes I have very limited job options.
Look at me.
Well, you're green.
Maybe you could be in Shrek The Musical.
That's racist.
- That's not racist.
- I'm not racist, lady.
That's enough.
And for the record Broadway is an inclusive place.
No one here is racist, OK? Moving on.
Yes, you, from The Color Purple.
I'm sorry.
I'm not in The Color Purple.
Bring in 'da Noise, Bring in 'da Funk.
I wrote Miss Saigon.
Sorry.
What's your idea? Isn't it time we revive Miss Saigon? Are we almost down here? - Why? Where do you have to be? - I don't have to be anywhere but I need to get to my new job.
I give massages behind a Thai place on the Lower East Side.
- With my mouth.
- No, I get it.
Thank you.
Hey, everyone.
Why so glum? The sun will come out tomorrow Bet your bottom dollar that Annie, sweetie, not the time, OK? - Please.
- Watch yourself, Adam.
I've had a hard-knock life, OK? Someone steps to me, I break them.
Guys, come on, we're creative people.
We just need one good idea.
Anyone at all.
Blue Man group? Oh, man.
You know, sometimes you guys can be a bunch of blue dicks.
What about the ladies from Chicago? Not helpful.
What about you, dude from Stomp? Still relevant.
So no one has any ideas? I mean No one? - Wait, I got it.
- What? We can put on a big show with lavish costumes and huge expensive sets.
We'll charge $150 a ticket.
That's the thing that isn't working anymore.
Then at the end, we'll join hands and we'll sing the anthem of the '90s.
525,600 minutes OK, that's it.
You leave me no choice.
Go! - Really? - Sorry.
That's usually a show-stopper.
This meeting is awful.
It cannot get any worse.
What was that? It was the fiddler on the roof.
He jumped.
There's no business Like show business You must be new.
I'm Lou.
Hi, I'm Sam.
I've never done the whole group therapy thing before.
I'm a little nervous.
I was nervous too my first day, but Dr.
Hamlin is so great.
He's really helped me out a lot.
I've recently gone through a divorce.
I recently got divorced, too.
I just signed my papers in the hallway before I came in here, so mine's a little more recent than yours.
I'm just divorcing a bunch of things and, like, tons of people right now.
I'm Lou, and this is Sam.
Nice to meet you.
- Penelope.
- It's my first day too.
It's my second first day, too, two.
I guess we'll watch out for each other.
I'll probably watch a little better than you, 'cause my vision's really good.
So, it's like a 20/80 vision, so I have cat eyes.
Can, like, see through things and plants and stuff.
Everyone, it's 7:00 on the dot.
That means you should be in your chairs.
Get in your chairs right now.
It's 7:00 on the dot, so we're starting.
Welcome back.
As you can see, we have a couple new faces.
Sam and Penelope.
I know it can be intimidating on your 1st day.
What I like to do is just have you observe for a bit, get comfortable, see how this works, good? Last week, we left off with Bob.
You were talking about some of the anger issues you were having - with your neighbor.
- It's getting worse.
Last night he was playing the drums until 1:00 in the morning and I found myself getting really angry and standing in my hallway holding a golf club ready to I got really angry at my neighbor too, once.
I was standing in a really big hallway and I was holding a golf cart.
Tiger Woods was sitting in it.
He told me I was pretty and he's at my house right now.
He's cleaning.
We don't really allow cross-talk at this meeting.
Thank you.
Go ahead, Bob.
- Thank you, Dr.
Hamlin.
- Yes, thank you, Dr.
Hamlin.
Thanks to all the doctors in the world.
I'm finding her very distracting.
I really think I want to punch her in the face.
- Let's just take a deep breath.
- I already took two breaths.
I can breathe so deep that I can move furniture with my breath.
I rearrange my whole house that way.
Let's try to get back on track.
Sam, you OK? I'm feeling really anxious.
I need some air.
I need to go outside.
I think I'm having a panic attack.
I'm having a panic attack, too.
My panic attack's having a panic attack.
It's called a panic-anic attack, it's worse.
Sit down, have a seat.
I am running this show.
Not you.
I shouldn't say this, but you are driving me nuts.
I drive myself nuts.
I drive myself actually in a nut car.
My car is a nut.
I do promotional work for planters.
Mr.
Peanut on wheels, the windshield is monocle and the convertible roof is a top hat.
- It's parked outside.
- Sit.
I think we could all use a break.
I got a good idea.
I'll play a DVD.
It will help you find ways to relieve stress in situations like this.
These methods really work, too.
Welcome.
Everyone has stress.
- That - I have stress, too.
That's it.
Penelope, I'm asking you to leave.
- I don't feel so good.
- I don't feel good either.
I have a fever of 161, here's the thermometer.
Stop or I'm going to call security.
I am security.
You guys having a problem in here? You're security? Well, good for you.
Because you know who I am? I'm the guy who wrote The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button.
Did you know that? I'm the inventor of the air mattress.
Also, Oprah and I have a secret marriage that lasts six years.
And you know what else? I'm best friends with a banana.
What do you say about that? I guess all I can say is Benjamin Button was based on me.
I'm 70 years old, and I'm going to die an old lady baby.
And I invented air, so every time you breathe you owe me 10 cents.
And I'm married Oprah's best friend Gayle and Steadman and Dr.
Oz and our wedding was at RPO Studios.
I used to be a puppet, I was on Fraggle rock.
And my two best friends are a tomato and Liza Minnelli.
That's it.
Let's get some coffee.
Why don't we meet back here in 15 minutes? There you are.
Tomato and I wanna hit the town.
You know girls night out.
Sex and The City style.
Penelope, you're my best friend, and I'm going to buy you all the non-alcoholic beer you can handle.
- Let's go.
- You know, I'm thirsty.
- I'm thirstier.
- I was thirsty before And I was really thirsty I'm Seth Meyers, and here are tonight's top stories.
On Tuesday, Barack Obama warned that the country could face trillion dollar deficits for years to come.
In an address many said was reminiscent of Martin Luther King's famous "I had a bad dream" speech.
All 5 living presidents met for an historic lunch at the White House this week.
Administration officials said the idea for the gathering came from B.
Obama and not, as originally thought, from Agatha Christie.
Afterwards, there was a fight over who would pay the lunch bill.
But eventually they agreed they would just leave it up to future generations.
During the meeting, B.
Clinton was impressed by the light brown carpet in the Oval Office, saying, "I love this rug.
" Though he did say it would look better if it was just a thin strip down the middle.
On Friday, the Illinois House voted the 114-1 to impeach Governor Blagojevich on charges he tried to sell Barack Obama vacant senate seat.
The sole descending vote was cast by 1st term representative Shmod Shmagojevich.
Last week basketball legend, Charles Barkley, was pulled over after running a stop sign and subsequently charged with a DUI.
He told police he was in a rush because he was on his way to receive oral sex from a female acquaintance.
Here to comment is Sir Charles Barkley.
- How are you? - What's up, Seth? Do you want to explain to your fans what happened? Explain what? How a BJ works? Sure.
Can I use hand gestures? I mean, do you want to explain how you got in that situation? Let me use an analogy.
Let's say you're driving around and you're real horny for a hamburger.
And then you remember there's this one girl you know that gives great burgers.
Sometimes she's given you a burger and it's so good that you black out, and when you wake up she's still giving you a burger.
- I think we get it.
- It's like a burger that gives BJs.
Sorry, Seth.
I'm really bad with analogies.
My analogies are like a blimp trying to make out with a bicycle.
That was horrible.
So, you have no regrets whatsoever? I have one major regret.
Can we see my mugshot for a second? I regret that my face was that sweaty.
Look at me, man.
It was like I was drunk driving a jet ski.
Wait, put the picture back up again.
I got another one.
I look like the surface of the earth before there were continents.
One more time.
I look like Wilson floating away from Tom Hanks.
That's a Cast Away reference.
I got it.
The bigger problem is that you're facing a DUI and you're being forced to take a leave of absence from your work as a basketball commentator.
Aren't you worried you're gonna lose your job? I work for TNT.
You know who else work for TNT? No one you've ever heard of.
TNT stands for Technically Not even Television.
I'm all they've got.
So, TNT, I will see you at work on Monday.
I will be the drunk guy trying to park his car.
Charles Barkley, everyone.
Last week, Sarah Palin's daughter, Bristol, gave birth to a boy named Tripp Easton Mitchell Johnston.
Apparently they're hoping he will grow up to be a law firm.
Despite warnings from the secret services over security concerns, president-elect B.
Obama said that he's unwilling to give up his blackberry, sort of the same way Bush wouldn't give up his leap frog.
The current national debt is estimated at over $10 trillion which breaks down to about $35,000 for every man, woman and child in the country.
If you lay that much money, end to end in $1 bills, most of it would be stolen by Bernie Madoff.
Michael Jackson this week signed a one-year lease on a $100,000 per month French chateau style estate in Bel-Air.
Although the only thing French about the estate is that children will be served wine.
So he can molest them.
You just didn't get it.
On Thursday, the Florida Gators beat the Oklahoma Sooners to become this year's college football champions according to the BCS, otherwise known as the Bowl Championship Series.
However, the debate still rages is about whether the BCS is a flawed system that should be abandoned in favor of a true playoff.
Here to comment, college sports fanatic, Will Forte.
I know many people, including President Obama, want a playoff system.
But I love the BCS.
It combines all the things that I love most about sports, computers, ballots and lobbying.
If we have a playoff system, we're gonna lose all that.
I think people really want a playoff system.
Well, agree to disagree.
I love the BCS, and that really says something because I only love awesome things.
In fact, I wrote a song about all the things that are just as awesome as the BCS.
I love stepping in dog crap And I love it when children get sick I love paper cuts on my corneas And I love the BCS I love hanging at the DMV And I love finding out I'm adopted I love eating tacos filled with uncooked chicken And I love the BCS It's the best system ever devise neck and neck With the electoral college And if you've got some kind of problem with that I advise you to S my D I love the smell of sick people's farts And I love George W.
Bush I wish he could be my dad and my lover And I love the BCS I love thinking about Bush with his shirt off Love taking off his pants with my mind He's the lame duck that I really want to f Can I say it? You just saying that or you need to check with the censor? I didn't have to check.
You can't say it.
Why not? Because we're on NBC.
I know we can't say that word.
Can we switch over to HBO for a sec? We cannot.
Fudge 'Cause I love the BCS I love the BCS And my hemorrhoids Robert Mugabe Nine Broadway musicals closed this week including Hair Spray, Young Frankenstein and Grease.
The news has been especially tough on the nation's aunts.
In a study published in the journal of experimental biology, scientists in Australia gave liquid free base cocaine to bees to see what would happen.
What happened was the bees slept with them.
A new study shows that in recent years the number of home schooled children in the U.
S.
has ballooned to 1.
5 million or if you're home schooled 511,000.
For Weekend Update, I'm Seth Meyers.
Good night! Two first names If you only got one name That's like having no names Baby get two names Welcome to Two First Names.
The only talk show that focuses exclusively on celebrities with two first names.
I'm your host, Neil Patrick Harris.
And with me, as always, are my band leaders, Jamie Lynn Spears Two first names, y'all.
And David Lee Roth.
Two first names! My guests today are Philip Seymour Hoffman.
Jamie Lee Curtis.
Yogurt.
From The Green Mile, Michael Clarke Duncan.
Hello there, Neil Patrick.
Mighty fine day outside.
Mighty fine, indeed.
Mr.
Tommy Lee Jones.
Thank you for being here.
Shoot, Neil Patrick.
What the hell else I got to do? Julia Louis Dreyfus.
And last but not least, Daniel Dave Lewis.
It's actually Daniel Day-Lewis, not Daniel Dave Lewis.
- My apologize.
- No trouble at all.
Then get the hell out of here.
- Excuse me? - Take your one first name and get the hell off the show! His first name's only one name Sounded like two names But it's only one name Only one name Very sorry about that.
We have a wonderful show.
But first, with a message from our sponsor, is one of my favorite two first named actors.
Billy Bob Thornton.
Kangols.
Kangols.
I'm Billy Bob Thornton.
Do you love fashion? I sure do.
That's why I exclusive wear a leather vest with no undershirt.
And my favorite hat, the kangol.
You can wear it forwards, backwards, to the side, and that's it.
And if you don't believe me about kangols, just ask the guy who betrayed everyone in The Matrix, Joe Pantoliano.
Tell 'em, Joey pants.
They're the best! Kangol.
Welcome back.
Our first topic is favorite U.
S.
president.
Philip Seymour? You know I'd have to say John Quincy Adams.
John Quincy Adams.
Very good.
Julia Louis? I prefer William Henry Harrison.
Both wonderful actors.
Next topic: least favorite athlete.
Jamie lee? Easy.
Pelé.
That boy don't even got one first name.
Makes a man sick inside.
- I can't imagine anything worse.
- Here's something worse.
I was in The Fugitive with a guy named Harrison Ford.
The guy has two last names! It's ungodly.
Agreed.
Well, that's our show.
Join us next time and we'll discuss the architecture of Frank Lloyd Write.
And Julia Louis will read a classic fable from Hans Christian Andersen.
For the record, Louis is actually my last name.
Cancel that.
Julia-no-second-first-name Dreyfus will be nowhere near here, because she's a monster.
Good night, everyone.
Two first names If you only got one name That's like having no name Baby's got two names - What? That is crazy.
- I tell you.
- She did that? What did you do? - Yes, she did.
- It's a complicated situation.
- I didn't see how complicated it was until I was in the center of it like a doughnut hole.
You mean like the hole of a doughnut? The doughnut hole is in the center, and I'm in the center of that situation.
So, if you're in the doughnut hole, I guess everywhere you look is like a doughnut wall? Yes, but the doughnut wall is not a real doughnut.
It's the situation that I'm in right now.
You get it? I do.
That is so profound.
- Do you mind if I write that down? - Sure.
You need a pen? - I think I have one in my pocketbook.
- I might get one too, in my JanSport.
Ladies, your five-minute break is up.
Gil, Fran is in a pickle.
I don't care if a pickle is inside Fran.
Get back to work.
He likes you.
He does? I have worked with you at air traffic control for some odd years now, and I've never seen you this upset.
Here's a pen.
You want to know what I would do if I were you? I really want to hear what you would do with this mess.
Because she's driving me just cuckoo banana crackers.
You know what? OK, listen.
- Step one.
- I need some lotion.
You two need to be in a neutral environment.
Like a Friendly's? Or a Perkins.
So, wait, should I take her to a Friendly's? Or a Perkins.
You ladies need to boot your systems.
For gosh sakes we got planes in the air.
I'm sorry, Gil.
Freba's helping me sort something out.
Well, Freba should be working.
I like your coral half-sweater, Fran.
Back to work.
He really likes you.
We better boot our systems.
- I got it.
- You know what? No restaurant.
I think you need to call her, but you better use a pay phone and here's why.
Hold on.
I have Delta flight 201 buzzing in.
Hello, this is the tower.
So you need confirmation on your position? No problem.
Fran is on the line as well.
We're going to send you your coordinates right now.
Push this.
Very good.
Delta Flight 201, how did that work for you? - We can do that by remote.
- Yes, we can.
So, where do you think you are? Over San Antonio? - How's that? OK, good.
- Very good.
You know what, I was thinking about it in the middle of Delta 201 position confirmation.
- No pay phone.
- Good.
'Cause I had a really bad experience at a pay phone once.
I was alone and I almost choked on one of the biggest blueberries I had ever seen.
And then, I saw a man get hit by a car, and his head flew off his body and almost rolled over my shoe.
Yes, true.
Hold on.
It's flight 36.
Hello, this is the tower.
Do you want a diet Sunkist? No, thank you.
Are you on the airbus or the L-1011? It's the A toggle under the altimeter.
How about a Sierra Mist Free, 0 calorie.
- That's perfect.
You want some carrots? - I would love some.
Just try jiggling it a little.
Like a toilet handle.
There we go.
I'm gonna set this down here next to you, next to the terminal radar.
Don't worry.
Just give me a second.
I'll just put this carrots.
That is working now? Good? What was that about? They were falling out of the sky, but it's all better now.
I need you to tell me how to deal with this situation? You know what? Here it is.
You need to tell her You need to sit her down and you need to tell her this right in her face.
You say this.
Cool it.
Let me write that down.
What are you writing down? I'm writing down some advice from a good friend.
Has anyone ever told you that you look like an old Sharon Stone? What are you looking at? It is official, he likes you! I think so.
Let's open these sodas.
Critics are raving for Ron Howard's Frost/Nixon, the gripping, real life drama of David Frost's historic interview with a fallen Richard Nixon.
Are you saying that the President of the United States is allowed to do something illegal? I'm saying that when the President of the United States does it, it's not illegal.
- You know that we're taping, right? - What? Stop the interview.
Mr.
President, come on.
And to bank off that success, we put together this hastily assembled sequel, Watch as David Frost breaks down other celebrities of the '70s, like David Bowie.
And even though you sing again and again about traveling through space.
You are not an astronaut and have, in fact, never left the earth? Let me stop you right there.
Can you even name all the planets? Come on, man.
Don't do this to me.
I'm an artist.
Just let the children boogie.
OK, don't say another word, Bowie.
This interview is over.
After the success that was Nixon, David Frost just couldn't leave well enough alone.
And now you can watch him go for the jugular again and again.
See the tension of Frost's five-part interview that finally cracked David Crosby.
Mr.
Crosby, are you in fact a coked-up walrus? That's it.
Interview is over.
Rolling stone's, Peter Travers raves: And The New York Post says: You'll be rivated as you watch Frost take on game show staple, Paul Lynde.
Ask anything you want.
I don't have anything to hide.
Wait.
I have everything to hide! Just don't look at my closet.
It's huge in there.
Big enough for two.
Nothing in there but shoes, though.
I'm heavy into shoes, but I'm light in the loafers! Did I just say that? All right, stop.
He hasn't asked a question yet.
It's over 90 minutes of people from the past sitting and talking in chairs.
So, watch as David Frost takes on none other than Fred Rerun Benny.
In the What's Happening episode entitled "Doobie or not to Doobie".
- Wait, hold up.
- You, Dwayne and Raj are invited by the Doobie Brothers to one of their concerts even though they asked you specifically not to make a bootleg tape.
Hold on, I see where you're going with this.
We went to the concert because we were fans of the Doobie Brothers.
Let me get this straight.
Three young black men from Los Angeles are fans of the Doobie Brothers? It was the only band we could get.
Let's go Rerun.
Hit the music! In theaters just in time for award season.
What? It's too late? Damn.
What happens if you take eastern European farmers who have never eaten a burger and ask them to compare a Whopper versus a Big Mac in the world's purest taste test? These are the Whopper virgins.
Sir? Put the burgers back on the plate.
This food will feed my village for a month.
So, congratulations on being a Whopper virgin.
She's not a virgin.
It was her uncle.
He says he will say whatever you want.
Just let him bring this food back to his village.
He says he cannot, his soul is crying for them.
Tell him to choose.
American game show.
I apologize for my behavior.
I apologize from my heart.
It will never happen again.
Pete, Pete! Devil, you're the devil.
Save yourself.
The whopper virgins.
Maybe this wasn't a good idea.
That's it.
Thank you to Taylor Swift.
Liza Minnelli.
This has been an unbelievable week.
The cast and the crew, they're extraordinary.
Thank you, Lorne.
Have a great night, everybody.
SATURDAY NIGHT SUB Synch.
: So.
Relec.
: Boogawanga
I'm Rachel Maddow.
It's been a wild and controversial week in the U.
S.
Senate beginning Tuesday when Rod Blagojevich appointee, Roland Burris, showed up hoping to take his seat has the newest senator from Illinois only to be turned away at the front gate.
Mr.
Burris joins us now from Washington.
Please call me Senator Burris.
That's not official yet.
It's been quite a week for you.
Tell us what happened on Tuesday.
As you know, I was appointed by my dear friend the honorable and recently impeached Governor Blagojevich.
Because of that you were warned many times that your appointment would not be recognized.
Yet, you flew down to Washington anyway.
I sure did.
I'm a four-time elected official state-wide so I know when it's time to go to work.
I went on priceline.
com and I found myself a very reasonable ticket on southwest airlines.
And before I knew it I was landing at an airport within a 50-mile drive of the greater D.
C.
area.
Priceline negotiator! So, you just showed up.
What did you expect would happen? I expected to be sworn in and seated as a U.
S.
senator, but I guess it wasn't my day.
I was told that my credentials were not in order, and I was kindly escorted out of the building.
But don't worry, I'm sure that the matter will be cleared up.
I'm very qualified.
I've held four state positions and three of them have been comptroller.
Fair enough.
Tell us what happened after you were turned away on Tuesday.
On Wednesday, I was very happy because I was able to meet with senate majority leader, Harry Reed, and that meeting was very productive.
What did he say? He told me that my credentials were not in order, and I was escorted out of the building.
Sorry to hear that.
What happened the next day? On Thursday, I proudly walked through the Senate doors and then after breaking away from my tour group, I noticed that someone had left a fire exit open.
So, I proceeded to take my rightful place as junior senator by commando crawling through the ceiling vents.
As I was approaching the Senate floor, I collapsed through the ceiling causing me to plunge into some kind of a coffee break room.
What happened then? I was told that my credentials were not in order, and again, I was escorted out of the building and given the telephone number to a local Jamaican taxi service.
We have a picture of that.
It looks like you're wearing a disguise of some sort.
Yes, I thought my fellow senators would find it humorous.
Did you try again on Friday? Last night I need to blow off a little steam so I went to a popular D.
C.
nightclub called Oxygen.
There I explained to the gentlemen at the door that I was a four-time elected official and three-time comptroller.
But when I got there, I was told that my credentials were not in order, and I was escorted out of the building.
I'm sorry to hear that.
Now, Harry Reid has stated that this has nothing to do with race.
- Do you believe that? - Absolutely.
Harry Reid never wanted this race to come to this.
And I'm sure that the other 99 white senators feel the same way.
They would love to see the black population of the Senate rocket up to 1%.
I'm a dreamer, and I envision a day when the U.
S.
Senate will have the same percentage of African-Americans as say the state of Utah.
Or the Country Music Awards.
- Good luck to you, Mr.
Burris.
- Thank you.
Joining us now is the man who appointed Mr.
Burris, Illinois Governor, Rod Blagojevich.
Good evening, Governor.
You thought I'd gone away, didn't you? Sorry to spoil your party there, Billie Jean King.
You must be pleased that your appointee might actually make it into the senate even after Harry Reid said he would never seat someone you picked.
I couldn't be happier, Ellen.
Like I said to Harry Reid on the phone, I'm gonna watch my language here by substituting a word.
I said, "if you sex me, Harry, "I will sex you so hard you'll wish you'd never been born.
" And I told him to go sex himself, and I hung up the phone.
Yesterday you were impeached by the state legislature 114-1.
Closer than I thought.
You got to understand, getting impeached in Illinois is nothing.
It's like a prank.
It's just part of the swearing-in ceremony.
You got me, K.
D.
Lang? And you maintained your innocence in a press conference yesterday where you have several sick and handicapped people stand behind you.
Don't you find that a little exploitive? Exploitive? Sex you.
Governor, when will you leave office? Never.
Never, Chachi.
I'm not going anywhere.
I'm stuck here like a Dutch kid with his thumb in a dike.
Sound familiar, Kyle McLaughlin? I'm cutting you off.
Thank you to Mr.
Burris, no thanks to Governor Blagojevich, and Live from New York, it's Saturday Night! S.
34 Ep.
12 - 10 Jan.
2009 Neil Patrick Harris / Taylor Swift Thank you very much.
It is just wonderful to be here tonight.
This is honestly a dream come true for me.
Some of you may know me from the show, How I Met Your Mother.
I'm currently on it.
But a little known fact, I almost hosted SNL back in 1990 when I was the star of a different program called Doogie Howser, M.
D.
Which, by the way, one of the first television shows created on a dare.
I remember I was in the running to host, but ultimately, they went in a different direction.
They chose Fred Savage from The Wonder Years.
Thank you for not applauding.
I was fine with that.
Was I disappointed? Maybe.
It's hard to remember.
I mean, that was 18 years, one month and 14 days ago.
That was 1990.
A lot has changed since then.
We've both moved on.
There's no use dwelling in the past, right? Though, if you do dwell on the tape of the Fred Savage show, as I was doing earlier today, you'll notice that even though everyone said it was so good, it has flaws.
He opened with the church lady where he played a tiny church lady.
Who can hit an home-run with that? I remember his 2nd sketch was 5 minutes and 35 seconds and he took a 3rd beat in the extra pause.
I turned to my girlfriend and I was like "is he allergic to timing?" She was like "why won't you kiss me?", I was like, "later".
"Look at this guy".
That was a long time ago.
And now finally at long last, it's my turn.
Nothing can spoil this moment.
We have a I love you in How I Met Your Mother.
Thank you very much.
You want to know how I met your mother? I went to a fireworks factory, and I asked for their best bang.
Thank you for bringing that energy to the show.
You know how I met your mother? I saw her in line at the Welfare Office.
Wait.
So, you were in line for Welfare, too? So anyway, we have a gr Guess what? You know how I met your mother? They had a story about her on the news.
"Elephant escapes from the zoo.
" You saw her on the news? Then you didn't actually meet her? I did, 'cause then she goes to a plastic surgeon, and he's like "I want a refund".
The plastic surgeon wanted a refund? So, he goes "No refunds.
" You didn't really think that through, did you? No, I did not.
Guys, come on.
Could you not do this now? Cool it, guys.
Come on.
Leave him alone.
Mark Wahlberg.
You know these guys? They're my 3 best friends.
They based Entourage on us.
This is Turtle and these are the other two.
That must be a lot of fun for you guys.
Yeah, it is.
Anyways, it was good talking to you.
Say hello to the cast of How I Met Your Mother for me, OK? I will.
We've got a great show.
Taylor swift is here.
So, stick around around.
We'll be right back.
From NBC News, this is Today with Kathie Lee Gifford and Hoda Kotb.
Welcome to the fourth hour of The Today Show.
I'm Kathie Lee Gifford, and I'm, like, so menauposal.
And I'm Hoda Kotb.
I'm never going to get past that weird name.
What? It's weird.
Hoda comes from the land of no vowel.
There's an "o" in there.
- What? - An "o" is a vowel.
- No, it's not.
- It is.
Someone look it up.
"O" is a vowel.
Look it up.
Calm down, you.
We've got a lot of ground to cover today.
Let's get to it.
What's up first on the scoop, Hoda woman-with-no-vowels-in-her-name? I will tell you Kathy chica.
It's mannyhose.
What the heck are mannyhose? I'll tell you.
You know, it says here that they are pantyhose - for men.
- What? For men? For men.
Apparently men like to wear them because, get this, they like the feel of them.
No, they don't.
I guess we've done with that topic.
Mannyhose.
Try full-body spanx? You hear that? You should see me get dressed at night.
See me get undressed.
It's like opening a tube of pop and fresh dough.
- What does old Frank think about that? - Frank who? I used to call him a love machine.
Now, the most I can hope for is a drive by goose when he buzzes past me on his hover-round.
Come on, you've seen him.
What's the next topic, Hody-oh-you-little-ho? You guys like hoes? 'Cause we got one right here.
It's a joke on her name.
It's an Egyptian name.
- What? No, it's not.
- Yes, it is.
Come on Yoda.
What's the next scoop? - In the Denver airport - Give me that.
In the Denver airport they've installed a vending machine that serves hot pizza.
This is a scoop? You know what they should do? They should have vending machines for umbrellas, right? Because, you know, sometimes you're out there and it starts raining and you don't have an umbrella.
That never happens.
I just called my car service.
Why don't you call Frank? He can come get you in his hover-round.
Frank is on his 3rd set of titanium knees, so a little sensitivity would be nice.
There's two types of people in the world.
People that get it, and people that don't.
And the people that don't get it know who they are.
Next topic.
Are mini-horses the new hot pet? Please, tell me no.
Yes! Everyone in Greenwich has a mini-horse.
I got Frank one.
He just puts that thing on his lap, jumps in his hover round and rides all over the neighborhood with it.
I guess the scoop is over now.
That's kind of rude.
We only got to three of the 15 topics we were supposed to cover today.
We are get to them tomorrow san.
This will be a treat.
Fitness Guru, Ian Price, is here, and he's going to work out our bodies.
Work our bodies.
Hoda likes the sound of that.
When was the last time you got some, Data? And he's going to help us burn off some of those holiday pounds with a quick, easy, please tell me it's easy, workout routine, right? It is.
- Hello, Ian.
- Hello, ladies.
You know what I did on New Year's Eve? I ate a whole tray of minicannolis while thinking about the '80s.
We got a lot to cover today.
So, let's get started.
Who has time to work out these days? I sure don't and neither do my clients.
Clients like Jackie Stallone, Rebbie Jackson, Mrs.
Dr.
Phil McGraw, Jackay and Bea Arthur Jr.
I developed this routine that you can do in just 3 min a day.
It's fun and it's easy.
And here we go.
Box step.
And box step.
And now, grapevine.
- I don't have a grapevine.
- Now, just pulse it.
And punch it out.
And now, walk it out.
And crank it.
And Russian dance.
And now thrust.
Now, tip your hat and electric slide, do-si-do, now cotton eyed joe.
Now, double time.
Is ringing any bells? Big Uh-Huh-Ho! Let's get into a squat position and we bounce No men in her life.
And punch it out.
Don't stop moving.
We're burning fat here.
You're OK? She's fine.
Thank you, Ian Price.
We'll be right back with Allison Janney who's gonna us her favorite recipes for wintertime totties.
That I can do.
Hey, guys! Everybody! Will you settle down please, OK? As you all know, Broadway is in trouble, and that's why we're all here.
You know me, I'm the phantom of the opera.
And I'm Mark from Rent, the Pulitzer prize-winning musical.
Unbelievable.
We know it's bad out there.
And we're all struggling.
Some people are even having a hard time paying rent.
Please, don't do that anymore.
First off, is everyone here? Everyone except Jeremy Piven.
But I don't think he has a good excuse.
I don't doubt it.
We need everyone's best ideas to save Broadway, all right? Let's get started.
Yes, you.
It is I, the magical Mr.
Mistoffelees.
And here's my suggestion.
We need to feel the wonder.
Oh, man.
You people from Cats, you think you're so great.
Seriously, you think you're the Michael Jordan of Broadway.
You guys don't know who Michael Jordan is? He was like the Tommy Tune of basketball.
Who's next? What about you, music man? We got a Devil's pickle putting people into seats We got actors being forced to find real jobs well We got trouble Right here in New York city I'm talking trouble with a capital "T" That rhymes with "C" and that stands for Cutco knives Now, just $49.
95.
Stop, please professor.
Those knives are amazing.
They're like the Rent of knives.
Cool it.
Can we just stop f-ing around, 'cause if Wicked closes I have very limited job options.
Look at me.
Well, you're green.
Maybe you could be in Shrek The Musical.
That's racist.
- That's not racist.
- I'm not racist, lady.
That's enough.
And for the record Broadway is an inclusive place.
No one here is racist, OK? Moving on.
Yes, you, from The Color Purple.
I'm sorry.
I'm not in The Color Purple.
Bring in 'da Noise, Bring in 'da Funk.
I wrote Miss Saigon.
Sorry.
What's your idea? Isn't it time we revive Miss Saigon? Are we almost down here? - Why? Where do you have to be? - I don't have to be anywhere but I need to get to my new job.
I give massages behind a Thai place on the Lower East Side.
- With my mouth.
- No, I get it.
Thank you.
Hey, everyone.
Why so glum? The sun will come out tomorrow Bet your bottom dollar that Annie, sweetie, not the time, OK? - Please.
- Watch yourself, Adam.
I've had a hard-knock life, OK? Someone steps to me, I break them.
Guys, come on, we're creative people.
We just need one good idea.
Anyone at all.
Blue Man group? Oh, man.
You know, sometimes you guys can be a bunch of blue dicks.
What about the ladies from Chicago? Not helpful.
What about you, dude from Stomp? Still relevant.
So no one has any ideas? I mean No one? - Wait, I got it.
- What? We can put on a big show with lavish costumes and huge expensive sets.
We'll charge $150 a ticket.
That's the thing that isn't working anymore.
Then at the end, we'll join hands and we'll sing the anthem of the '90s.
525,600 minutes OK, that's it.
You leave me no choice.
Go! - Really? - Sorry.
That's usually a show-stopper.
This meeting is awful.
It cannot get any worse.
What was that? It was the fiddler on the roof.
He jumped.
There's no business Like show business You must be new.
I'm Lou.
Hi, I'm Sam.
I've never done the whole group therapy thing before.
I'm a little nervous.
I was nervous too my first day, but Dr.
Hamlin is so great.
He's really helped me out a lot.
I've recently gone through a divorce.
I recently got divorced, too.
I just signed my papers in the hallway before I came in here, so mine's a little more recent than yours.
I'm just divorcing a bunch of things and, like, tons of people right now.
I'm Lou, and this is Sam.
Nice to meet you.
- Penelope.
- It's my first day too.
It's my second first day, too, two.
I guess we'll watch out for each other.
I'll probably watch a little better than you, 'cause my vision's really good.
So, it's like a 20/80 vision, so I have cat eyes.
Can, like, see through things and plants and stuff.
Everyone, it's 7:00 on the dot.
That means you should be in your chairs.
Get in your chairs right now.
It's 7:00 on the dot, so we're starting.
Welcome back.
As you can see, we have a couple new faces.
Sam and Penelope.
I know it can be intimidating on your 1st day.
What I like to do is just have you observe for a bit, get comfortable, see how this works, good? Last week, we left off with Bob.
You were talking about some of the anger issues you were having - with your neighbor.
- It's getting worse.
Last night he was playing the drums until 1:00 in the morning and I found myself getting really angry and standing in my hallway holding a golf club ready to I got really angry at my neighbor too, once.
I was standing in a really big hallway and I was holding a golf cart.
Tiger Woods was sitting in it.
He told me I was pretty and he's at my house right now.
He's cleaning.
We don't really allow cross-talk at this meeting.
Thank you.
Go ahead, Bob.
- Thank you, Dr.
Hamlin.
- Yes, thank you, Dr.
Hamlin.
Thanks to all the doctors in the world.
I'm finding her very distracting.
I really think I want to punch her in the face.
- Let's just take a deep breath.
- I already took two breaths.
I can breathe so deep that I can move furniture with my breath.
I rearrange my whole house that way.
Let's try to get back on track.
Sam, you OK? I'm feeling really anxious.
I need some air.
I need to go outside.
I think I'm having a panic attack.
I'm having a panic attack, too.
My panic attack's having a panic attack.
It's called a panic-anic attack, it's worse.
Sit down, have a seat.
I am running this show.
Not you.
I shouldn't say this, but you are driving me nuts.
I drive myself nuts.
I drive myself actually in a nut car.
My car is a nut.
I do promotional work for planters.
Mr.
Peanut on wheels, the windshield is monocle and the convertible roof is a top hat.
- It's parked outside.
- Sit.
I think we could all use a break.
I got a good idea.
I'll play a DVD.
It will help you find ways to relieve stress in situations like this.
These methods really work, too.
Welcome.
Everyone has stress.
- That - I have stress, too.
That's it.
Penelope, I'm asking you to leave.
- I don't feel so good.
- I don't feel good either.
I have a fever of 161, here's the thermometer.
Stop or I'm going to call security.
I am security.
You guys having a problem in here? You're security? Well, good for you.
Because you know who I am? I'm the guy who wrote The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button.
Did you know that? I'm the inventor of the air mattress.
Also, Oprah and I have a secret marriage that lasts six years.
And you know what else? I'm best friends with a banana.
What do you say about that? I guess all I can say is Benjamin Button was based on me.
I'm 70 years old, and I'm going to die an old lady baby.
And I invented air, so every time you breathe you owe me 10 cents.
And I'm married Oprah's best friend Gayle and Steadman and Dr.
Oz and our wedding was at RPO Studios.
I used to be a puppet, I was on Fraggle rock.
And my two best friends are a tomato and Liza Minnelli.
That's it.
Let's get some coffee.
Why don't we meet back here in 15 minutes? There you are.
Tomato and I wanna hit the town.
You know girls night out.
Sex and The City style.
Penelope, you're my best friend, and I'm going to buy you all the non-alcoholic beer you can handle.
- Let's go.
- You know, I'm thirsty.
- I'm thirstier.
- I was thirsty before And I was really thirsty I'm Seth Meyers, and here are tonight's top stories.
On Tuesday, Barack Obama warned that the country could face trillion dollar deficits for years to come.
In an address many said was reminiscent of Martin Luther King's famous "I had a bad dream" speech.
All 5 living presidents met for an historic lunch at the White House this week.
Administration officials said the idea for the gathering came from B.
Obama and not, as originally thought, from Agatha Christie.
Afterwards, there was a fight over who would pay the lunch bill.
But eventually they agreed they would just leave it up to future generations.
During the meeting, B.
Clinton was impressed by the light brown carpet in the Oval Office, saying, "I love this rug.
" Though he did say it would look better if it was just a thin strip down the middle.
On Friday, the Illinois House voted the 114-1 to impeach Governor Blagojevich on charges he tried to sell Barack Obama vacant senate seat.
The sole descending vote was cast by 1st term representative Shmod Shmagojevich.
Last week basketball legend, Charles Barkley, was pulled over after running a stop sign and subsequently charged with a DUI.
He told police he was in a rush because he was on his way to receive oral sex from a female acquaintance.
Here to comment is Sir Charles Barkley.
- How are you? - What's up, Seth? Do you want to explain to your fans what happened? Explain what? How a BJ works? Sure.
Can I use hand gestures? I mean, do you want to explain how you got in that situation? Let me use an analogy.
Let's say you're driving around and you're real horny for a hamburger.
And then you remember there's this one girl you know that gives great burgers.
Sometimes she's given you a burger and it's so good that you black out, and when you wake up she's still giving you a burger.
- I think we get it.
- It's like a burger that gives BJs.
Sorry, Seth.
I'm really bad with analogies.
My analogies are like a blimp trying to make out with a bicycle.
That was horrible.
So, you have no regrets whatsoever? I have one major regret.
Can we see my mugshot for a second? I regret that my face was that sweaty.
Look at me, man.
It was like I was drunk driving a jet ski.
Wait, put the picture back up again.
I got another one.
I look like the surface of the earth before there were continents.
One more time.
I look like Wilson floating away from Tom Hanks.
That's a Cast Away reference.
I got it.
The bigger problem is that you're facing a DUI and you're being forced to take a leave of absence from your work as a basketball commentator.
Aren't you worried you're gonna lose your job? I work for TNT.
You know who else work for TNT? No one you've ever heard of.
TNT stands for Technically Not even Television.
I'm all they've got.
So, TNT, I will see you at work on Monday.
I will be the drunk guy trying to park his car.
Charles Barkley, everyone.
Last week, Sarah Palin's daughter, Bristol, gave birth to a boy named Tripp Easton Mitchell Johnston.
Apparently they're hoping he will grow up to be a law firm.
Despite warnings from the secret services over security concerns, president-elect B.
Obama said that he's unwilling to give up his blackberry, sort of the same way Bush wouldn't give up his leap frog.
The current national debt is estimated at over $10 trillion which breaks down to about $35,000 for every man, woman and child in the country.
If you lay that much money, end to end in $1 bills, most of it would be stolen by Bernie Madoff.
Michael Jackson this week signed a one-year lease on a $100,000 per month French chateau style estate in Bel-Air.
Although the only thing French about the estate is that children will be served wine.
So he can molest them.
You just didn't get it.
On Thursday, the Florida Gators beat the Oklahoma Sooners to become this year's college football champions according to the BCS, otherwise known as the Bowl Championship Series.
However, the debate still rages is about whether the BCS is a flawed system that should be abandoned in favor of a true playoff.
Here to comment, college sports fanatic, Will Forte.
I know many people, including President Obama, want a playoff system.
But I love the BCS.
It combines all the things that I love most about sports, computers, ballots and lobbying.
If we have a playoff system, we're gonna lose all that.
I think people really want a playoff system.
Well, agree to disagree.
I love the BCS, and that really says something because I only love awesome things.
In fact, I wrote a song about all the things that are just as awesome as the BCS.
I love stepping in dog crap And I love it when children get sick I love paper cuts on my corneas And I love the BCS I love hanging at the DMV And I love finding out I'm adopted I love eating tacos filled with uncooked chicken And I love the BCS It's the best system ever devise neck and neck With the electoral college And if you've got some kind of problem with that I advise you to S my D I love the smell of sick people's farts And I love George W.
Bush I wish he could be my dad and my lover And I love the BCS I love thinking about Bush with his shirt off Love taking off his pants with my mind He's the lame duck that I really want to f Can I say it? You just saying that or you need to check with the censor? I didn't have to check.
You can't say it.
Why not? Because we're on NBC.
I know we can't say that word.
Can we switch over to HBO for a sec? We cannot.
Fudge 'Cause I love the BCS I love the BCS And my hemorrhoids Robert Mugabe Nine Broadway musicals closed this week including Hair Spray, Young Frankenstein and Grease.
The news has been especially tough on the nation's aunts.
In a study published in the journal of experimental biology, scientists in Australia gave liquid free base cocaine to bees to see what would happen.
What happened was the bees slept with them.
A new study shows that in recent years the number of home schooled children in the U.
S.
has ballooned to 1.
5 million or if you're home schooled 511,000.
For Weekend Update, I'm Seth Meyers.
Good night! Two first names If you only got one name That's like having no names Baby get two names Welcome to Two First Names.
The only talk show that focuses exclusively on celebrities with two first names.
I'm your host, Neil Patrick Harris.
And with me, as always, are my band leaders, Jamie Lynn Spears Two first names, y'all.
And David Lee Roth.
Two first names! My guests today are Philip Seymour Hoffman.
Jamie Lee Curtis.
Yogurt.
From The Green Mile, Michael Clarke Duncan.
Hello there, Neil Patrick.
Mighty fine day outside.
Mighty fine, indeed.
Mr.
Tommy Lee Jones.
Thank you for being here.
Shoot, Neil Patrick.
What the hell else I got to do? Julia Louis Dreyfus.
And last but not least, Daniel Dave Lewis.
It's actually Daniel Day-Lewis, not Daniel Dave Lewis.
- My apologize.
- No trouble at all.
Then get the hell out of here.
- Excuse me? - Take your one first name and get the hell off the show! His first name's only one name Sounded like two names But it's only one name Only one name Very sorry about that.
We have a wonderful show.
But first, with a message from our sponsor, is one of my favorite two first named actors.
Billy Bob Thornton.
Kangols.
Kangols.
I'm Billy Bob Thornton.
Do you love fashion? I sure do.
That's why I exclusive wear a leather vest with no undershirt.
And my favorite hat, the kangol.
You can wear it forwards, backwards, to the side, and that's it.
And if you don't believe me about kangols, just ask the guy who betrayed everyone in The Matrix, Joe Pantoliano.
Tell 'em, Joey pants.
They're the best! Kangol.
Welcome back.
Our first topic is favorite U.
S.
president.
Philip Seymour? You know I'd have to say John Quincy Adams.
John Quincy Adams.
Very good.
Julia Louis? I prefer William Henry Harrison.
Both wonderful actors.
Next topic: least favorite athlete.
Jamie lee? Easy.
Pelé.
That boy don't even got one first name.
Makes a man sick inside.
- I can't imagine anything worse.
- Here's something worse.
I was in The Fugitive with a guy named Harrison Ford.
The guy has two last names! It's ungodly.
Agreed.
Well, that's our show.
Join us next time and we'll discuss the architecture of Frank Lloyd Write.
And Julia Louis will read a classic fable from Hans Christian Andersen.
For the record, Louis is actually my last name.
Cancel that.
Julia-no-second-first-name Dreyfus will be nowhere near here, because she's a monster.
Good night, everyone.
Two first names If you only got one name That's like having no name Baby's got two names - What? That is crazy.
- I tell you.
- She did that? What did you do? - Yes, she did.
- It's a complicated situation.
- I didn't see how complicated it was until I was in the center of it like a doughnut hole.
You mean like the hole of a doughnut? The doughnut hole is in the center, and I'm in the center of that situation.
So, if you're in the doughnut hole, I guess everywhere you look is like a doughnut wall? Yes, but the doughnut wall is not a real doughnut.
It's the situation that I'm in right now.
You get it? I do.
That is so profound.
- Do you mind if I write that down? - Sure.
You need a pen? - I think I have one in my pocketbook.
- I might get one too, in my JanSport.
Ladies, your five-minute break is up.
Gil, Fran is in a pickle.
I don't care if a pickle is inside Fran.
Get back to work.
He likes you.
He does? I have worked with you at air traffic control for some odd years now, and I've never seen you this upset.
Here's a pen.
You want to know what I would do if I were you? I really want to hear what you would do with this mess.
Because she's driving me just cuckoo banana crackers.
You know what? OK, listen.
- Step one.
- I need some lotion.
You two need to be in a neutral environment.
Like a Friendly's? Or a Perkins.
So, wait, should I take her to a Friendly's? Or a Perkins.
You ladies need to boot your systems.
For gosh sakes we got planes in the air.
I'm sorry, Gil.
Freba's helping me sort something out.
Well, Freba should be working.
I like your coral half-sweater, Fran.
Back to work.
He really likes you.
We better boot our systems.
- I got it.
- You know what? No restaurant.
I think you need to call her, but you better use a pay phone and here's why.
Hold on.
I have Delta flight 201 buzzing in.
Hello, this is the tower.
So you need confirmation on your position? No problem.
Fran is on the line as well.
We're going to send you your coordinates right now.
Push this.
Very good.
Delta Flight 201, how did that work for you? - We can do that by remote.
- Yes, we can.
So, where do you think you are? Over San Antonio? - How's that? OK, good.
- Very good.
You know what, I was thinking about it in the middle of Delta 201 position confirmation.
- No pay phone.
- Good.
'Cause I had a really bad experience at a pay phone once.
I was alone and I almost choked on one of the biggest blueberries I had ever seen.
And then, I saw a man get hit by a car, and his head flew off his body and almost rolled over my shoe.
Yes, true.
Hold on.
It's flight 36.
Hello, this is the tower.
Do you want a diet Sunkist? No, thank you.
Are you on the airbus or the L-1011? It's the A toggle under the altimeter.
How about a Sierra Mist Free, 0 calorie.
- That's perfect.
You want some carrots? - I would love some.
Just try jiggling it a little.
Like a toilet handle.
There we go.
I'm gonna set this down here next to you, next to the terminal radar.
Don't worry.
Just give me a second.
I'll just put this carrots.
That is working now? Good? What was that about? They were falling out of the sky, but it's all better now.
I need you to tell me how to deal with this situation? You know what? Here it is.
You need to tell her You need to sit her down and you need to tell her this right in her face.
You say this.
Cool it.
Let me write that down.
What are you writing down? I'm writing down some advice from a good friend.
Has anyone ever told you that you look like an old Sharon Stone? What are you looking at? It is official, he likes you! I think so.
Let's open these sodas.
Critics are raving for Ron Howard's Frost/Nixon, the gripping, real life drama of David Frost's historic interview with a fallen Richard Nixon.
Are you saying that the President of the United States is allowed to do something illegal? I'm saying that when the President of the United States does it, it's not illegal.
- You know that we're taping, right? - What? Stop the interview.
Mr.
President, come on.
And to bank off that success, we put together this hastily assembled sequel, Watch as David Frost breaks down other celebrities of the '70s, like David Bowie.
And even though you sing again and again about traveling through space.
You are not an astronaut and have, in fact, never left the earth? Let me stop you right there.
Can you even name all the planets? Come on, man.
Don't do this to me.
I'm an artist.
Just let the children boogie.
OK, don't say another word, Bowie.
This interview is over.
After the success that was Nixon, David Frost just couldn't leave well enough alone.
And now you can watch him go for the jugular again and again.
See the tension of Frost's five-part interview that finally cracked David Crosby.
Mr.
Crosby, are you in fact a coked-up walrus? That's it.
Interview is over.
Rolling stone's, Peter Travers raves: And The New York Post says: You'll be rivated as you watch Frost take on game show staple, Paul Lynde.
Ask anything you want.
I don't have anything to hide.
Wait.
I have everything to hide! Just don't look at my closet.
It's huge in there.
Big enough for two.
Nothing in there but shoes, though.
I'm heavy into shoes, but I'm light in the loafers! Did I just say that? All right, stop.
He hasn't asked a question yet.
It's over 90 minutes of people from the past sitting and talking in chairs.
So, watch as David Frost takes on none other than Fred Rerun Benny.
In the What's Happening episode entitled "Doobie or not to Doobie".
- Wait, hold up.
- You, Dwayne and Raj are invited by the Doobie Brothers to one of their concerts even though they asked you specifically not to make a bootleg tape.
Hold on, I see where you're going with this.
We went to the concert because we were fans of the Doobie Brothers.
Let me get this straight.
Three young black men from Los Angeles are fans of the Doobie Brothers? It was the only band we could get.
Let's go Rerun.
Hit the music! In theaters just in time for award season.
What? It's too late? Damn.
What happens if you take eastern European farmers who have never eaten a burger and ask them to compare a Whopper versus a Big Mac in the world's purest taste test? These are the Whopper virgins.
Sir? Put the burgers back on the plate.
This food will feed my village for a month.
So, congratulations on being a Whopper virgin.
She's not a virgin.
It was her uncle.
He says he will say whatever you want.
Just let him bring this food back to his village.
He says he cannot, his soul is crying for them.
Tell him to choose.
American game show.
I apologize for my behavior.
I apologize from my heart.
It will never happen again.
Pete, Pete! Devil, you're the devil.
Save yourself.
The whopper virgins.
Maybe this wasn't a good idea.
That's it.
Thank you to Taylor Swift.
Liza Minnelli.
This has been an unbelievable week.
The cast and the crew, they're extraordinary.
Thank you, Lorne.
Have a great night, everybody.
SATURDAY NIGHT SUB Synch.
: So.
Relec.
: Boogawanga