The Simpsons s34e20 Episode Script

1
♪
(SINGSONGY):
Here comes the breakfast bus.
All big girls open up
for The Pancake Express.
Chugga, chugga, choo, choo.
Is it a train or a bus?
- Yeah, which is it?
- Train or bus?
Make a choice!
It's whatever gets her to eat
anything that's not
covered in ranch dressing.
- (CRIES)
- Baby's crying, Marge.
Maggie,
this ranch dressing phase has to end.
I'm not backing down.
No. More. Ranch.
(INHALES DEEPLY)
- Baby wins again, Mom.
- Who's in charge here?
This boat needs a captain.
- Look, I
- (ALARMS BLARING)
AUTOMATED VOICE: Alert.
Alert. Turn on TV.
We interrupt Bitch Judge
for an emergency broadcast.
A sudden environmental catastrophe
has rocked Springfield,
as a massive caterpillar swarm
has brought life to a standstill.
- HOMER: Ew!
- MARGE: Gross!
BART: Awesome!
Ew! Ew, ew.
This invasive superspecies,
known as the Dutch Leaf Slurper,
has blanketed our town in
a hellish red snowstorm
of legs, eyes and fuzz.
I'm with Professor John Frink,
director of the CDC,
the Center for Disgusting Caterpillars.
Professor,
what reassurances can you give
the deeply nauseated public?
Uh, well, exactly none.
The Dutch Leaf Slurper is
highly irritating to human skin
and rates a nine on
the Yechstein-Grossman
Ickiness scale.
My fellow citizens, let us remain calm.
Aah! They're in my hair! Get them out!
There is no crisis we cannot
meet with tranquil dignity,
- quiet repose and silent, motionless composure.
- Shoo, shoo, shoo, shoo!
(GROANS) All schools,
businesses and roads are closed.
Springfield is in lockdown.
HOMER: Woo-hoo!
- No school!
- No work!
This isn't a fun day off,
like a snow day
or standardized testing.
This is the third
once-in-a-millennium disaster this year!
Alarmist Twitter is freaking out.
Sarcastic Twitter is
turning it into memes,
and Conspiracy Twitter
is believing them.
How can this be happening?!
Why don't we find something
to take our minds off lockdown?
A family activity.
I bet there's a world
of fun lockdown hobbies.
Baking bread, jigsaw puzzles.
(GASPS) Family ragtime jazz band.
The point is, we can finally spend
some meaningful time together.
(TV THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
HOST: So, judges,
is this a steak or a cake?
Or a fake?
- Fake, fake!
- Cake, cake, cake, cake.
- Steak, steak!
- Fake, fake!
It's fake.
I'm gonna say steak?
Okay, now, if you're wrong,
St. Jude Children's
Hospital will forfeit
the million dollars that
you've already won for them.
- So?
- Then it's time to reveal the truth.
This steak
is cake!
Choke on your lies, Steak and Fake.
BOTH (SINGSONGY): One more episode!
One more episode!
Let's do it! Mm-hmm. Hmm?
What are you doing, old man?
Oh, don't hit that!
- You'll sign out!
- Aw! No, you had it. You had it.
Now go back and up and over two.
There Yeah, yeah. Oh. Aah!
I know what I'm doing, get off.
You're angering it.
(BOTH GASP)
You signed out!
You greasy-fingered caveman!
Tell me you know the password.
Mm Ow!
We're trapped inside. With each other.
With nothing to stream. With each other!
Okay, okay, okay. Time for bed.
Don't worry.
Tomorrow, this lockdown will be over,
and everything will be back to normal.
♪
Lockdown must end.
The streets are safe.
There is no danger whatso
- (TIRES SCREECHING)
- (GRUNTS)
SKINNER: Thank you all for downloading
ChatHippo,
the video conferencing service
that is free, provided
I periodically read ad copy.
As we transition to online learning,
- I hope
- (NOTIFICATION CHIMES)
"Looking for the most
player-friendly teasers
"and parlays online?
Try OddsMonster.crypto."
BART: Don't mind if I do. Hmm.
Ooh! New Zealand rugby.
Ah, whatever rugby is,
Wellington sucks at it.
Some idiot left their camera on.
Mother! School's over.
Can you make world-famous
mac and cheese?
In the panda bear bowl?
♪
Oh, my God. I can spy on Skinner!
Seymour, pretend
you're not a helpless infant
while cousin Peter is visiting.
Aunt Agnes, I apologize
for my indefinite sojourn,
though if I'm to be locked down,
I'm grateful it's with the gentlest,
most soft-spoken woman I know.
(CACKLING)
Oh, such a good boy.
Not like (BLOWS RASPBERRIES)
(LAUGHING)
(HUMMING)
(CHUCKLES)
(PHONE RINGS, CHIMES)
How could someone raised by a woman
as effortlessly charming as you
turn out to be such a burden?
He won't walk to the store
because he's afraid of street magicians.
(LAUGHTER)
Okay, Maggie.
It's lockdown,
and we're out of ranch dressing.
But if you try one of these,
the dip fairy will come
and leave a quarter
under your pillow. (LAUGHS)
(GASPS)
My ramekins!
HOMER: Super-secret password.
No. (GASPS) Sexy Marge?
No.
Sexy Bernice?
- Homer.
- (SHRIEKS)
Homer, Maggie won't eat
anything without ranch.
Can you go see if Ned has any?
What about the caterpillars?
(LAUGHING MANIACALLY)
(CONTINUES LAUGHING)
Well, this whole plague of insects
has a real "end of days"
ring to it, right?
Not that I'm hoping for the
righteous to ascend to God
while the wicked suffer in hellfire,
(SINGSONGY): but if it happened
(LAUGHS) Five minutes of lockdown,
and you church-wads are just
ready to toss everything, huh?
I don't know what I'm more excited for,
eternal bliss or finally getting
to use all my rapture supplies.
Whoa.
(HOMER HUMMING)
How long have you been
planning to lose your mind?
Here we are.
Now give me the food
that was meant to ensure
the survival of your children.
♪
Hey, you, mustache. Pump it up, chump.
The Flanders market is closed to you,
Mr. Grasshopper.
That's all Ned would give you?
- Did you asked nicely?
- Babe.
I guess if I ration this carefully,
it'll keep Maggie from breaking down
for a day or two.
They extended the lockdown.
This could go on for months.
Or forever. Or longer!
- (BELCHES)
- (GASPS)
(GROANS)
Oh, no. Oh, no. Not good.
(MUTTERING)
Marge, Lisa's making the noises again.
Lisa, would it violate the
spirit of mental health
and self-care for you to
squelch all your feelings?
Scientists are saying
they're gonna eat our crops.
No more kale.
We need to get Lisa off the Internet.
Go to the attic and
give her you-know-what.
Merry Christmas.
Why am I getting my big present now?
Because Santa delivered
it early this year.
Really? Why?
Because he-he doesn't have long to live.
Dad. The world is falling apart.
You can't just distract me with a toy.
(GASPS)
You were saying?
I'm distracted. I'm distracted.
This is the 1958 Blossom Festival.
The official petal that
year was the hollyhock.
Fascinating.
And why was Marilyn Monroe there?
AGNES: Oh, that's me.
You charmer. (LAUGHS)
What is this exquisite quilt?
AGNES: Oh,
that's an old family heirloom.
Handstitched quilts are
quite valuable these days.
- Oh! Ooh!
- Generations of Skinner women
have contributed images of the sons
who disappointed them.
It radiates a beauty
unmarred by the passing years.
Much like its owner.
It's yours. I want you to have it.
(DISHES BREAKS)
Mother! You promised the quilt to me.
You can't give away my birthright.
I can give whatever I want
to whoever says nice things.
You know what Seymour
gave me for my birthday?
Half a computer. No keyboard.
It's a tablet device.
It has a touchscreen.
(SPUTTERS) Touchscreen.
Sounds made-up to me.
Just like his prom date.
You met Charlene.
You spit on a Kleenex
and wiped her makeup off.
(LAUGHING)
Hey, after hot yoga,
let's grab some vegan Thai,
then check out the
Swedish gut biome clinic.
(HIGH-PITCHED VOICE):
But first, let's ride
the real working escalator.
Ooh! It's a girls' day.
Who wants a spot of boba tea?
I do.
This feels so good.
Maybe Mom's right.
Maybe I don't need to freak out.
Oh, but you do.
(GASPS) You're alive?
Lisa, how can you just
I don't know play
as the world is collapsing around us?
How are you talking to me?
(CHUCKLES WEAKLY)
How do you know about the lockdown?
Lisa, we may be born to shop,
but we're not, like, unaware.
No, of course, but
It's just so hard to
feel present right now,
isn't it? Not when
those things are out there.
Can we not talk about the caterpillars?
This is the first time in two days
I've been free of
crushing anxiety and
Oh, my God, the caterpillars
have caused a lettuce shortage.
Rioters were tear-gassed
at a Whole Foods salad bar.
That's so sad.
I'm just gonna say it.
I think this is the new normal.
(WHIMPERING) Oh. Oh, no.
Oh, no.
Look, Maggie.
Daddy's got delicious
ranch dressing right here.
(GAGGING)
Now baby's turn.
Good Maggie! Great Daddy.
(CRYING)
MARGE: Look at Ned.
His kids don't know what it's like
to live in a world without ranch.
But getting angry won't help anything.
I'm gonna be the bigger person.
(MAGGIE CRYING)
Screw this!
Tonight, we're breaking
into Ned's basement
and cleaning that sucker out.
- Babe?
- Get the bolt cutters.
Mother, how can you give my
quilt to this scheming Adonis?
Agnes, I'll treasure the quilt
like it deserves to be treasured.
Like you deserve to be treasured.
Oh, you.
(LAUGHS, SNORTS)
Let me fix you another liverwurst melt.
Great. That's just great.
Mm
Oh, my God.
That quilt was baby
Skinner's security blanket.
My beloved Mr. Nuck-nuck.
(CRYING)
Huh?
Skinner's crying?
Can he do that?
That quilt was his blankie.
You don't (SNIFFS)
you don't take away a man's blankie!
Make Mr. Purple Shirt stop crying
so he can sit at his desk
and tell recess to happen.
No, guys. We're not doing this.
We're not feeling bad for Skinner.
We're not gonna see
him as a human being.
ALL: Mm
(CRYING)
All right, fine.
I can't believe I'm saying this.
We're gonna help our principal
get his blankie back.
So, anybody feel
like doing some shopping?
(CHUCKLES WEAKLY)
No time, Lisa.
We're building a barricade
in case the caterpillars get inside.
That does look really safe.
Kind of wish I was in there with you.
(SHUTTER CLICKS)
Hey, girl, welcome to the mall.
Oh, I am not
handling lockdown well.
- Yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck.
- Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew!
(ACOUSTIC GUITAR PLAYS UPSTAIRS)
Rapture's a-coming,
going up to paradise ♪
Gonna wear a halo,
angel wings look nice ♪
Saying hi to Jesus ♪
How you doing, cherubim? ♪
Hugging the apostles,
high-fiving seraphim ♪
FLANDERS, ROD AND TODD: Sinners
gonna suffer eternal torment ♪
Satan's got a pitchfork,
knows how to use it ♪
Belphegor and Mammon
chewing on their ligaments ♪
Screaming for forever,
what a predicament ♪
Here comes the third verse ♪
Louder than the first. ♪
(GUITAR STOPS)
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)
FLANDERS: To whoever's down here
stealing my supplies,
the end of days is coming,
but a little earlier for you.
If I'm going down,
I'm taking all of youse with me!
(LAUGHS)
Ah, you see? I-I just got to
stop watering down my booze.
Hey, psycho, over here!
Homer Simpson.
He who steals from his neighbor
shall reap the croquet mallet.
A reading from the Book of Flanders.
Now, calm down, Ned.
Let's just take a deep breath and
Surprise ranch attack!
(GRUNTING)
I'll die before I don't
take what's yours.
Forgive me, Marge. Take the dressing.
If I don't make it,
tell Maggie it was her fault.
Hmm.
(GRUNTING)
You want to dip? Let's dip.
Lockdown kids of Springfield,
we're gonna save our
principal's blankie.
With the power of the most
useless thing on earth:
remote learning.
Muntz, go.
I'm calling about an anonymous post
on BedspreadTraders.com
offering an antique
handmade quilt for sale.
Hmm. If I did have such a quilt,
the price would be considerable.
Ooh, he's negotiating.
The fish is on the hook.
My offer is $25,000.
Nelson, I made a homemade puppet
so you can do Jeff Dunham jokes for me.
Not now, Mom.
I'm talking to a grown man online.
Wait, you're a kid?
- (GROANS)
- (KIDS GROAN)
Oh, no, we almost had him.
I am not selling you my quilt, junior.
Not after all the time I've
spent conning it out of
that awful woman.
Ha! Got him.
Hello, cousin Peter.
Cousin Seymour. Agnes.
We heard every word you said,
right here on my
wonderful half computer,
which was a gift from my son.
How dare you take advantage
of my sweet, trusting mother?
She is an IBS survivor.
Mm. You're a good boy.
And you
- (GRUNTS)
- Aah!
Oh! My orifices!
My precious orific
I don't know who you are,
but I thank you from
the bottom of my heart,
SkinnerSucks42.
(CHEERING)
You still want your precious ranch,
neighborino?
MARGE: Stop!
What has lockdown done to us?
Hmm?
(GASPING)
Buffalo wings. I need Buffalo wings.
Ned, you're a wonderful human being
who has never shown
anything but kindness
to our challenging family.
I'm sorry. These are yours.
Well, you keep those, Marge.
It's time I put the "Christian"
back in "extremist Christian
end times prepper."
My dear Homer, I'm so sorry.
(PANTING) What?
Oh, yeah. I'm sorry, too.
We need more furniture.
Give me that mannequin.
Uh, that's my boyfriend, Malibu Kevin.
Happy to be of service, babe.
- (RUMBLING)
- (GASPS)
(ROARS)
Aah!
Aah!
Oh, my God, that thing is gonna eat her!
(WHIMPERING)
Oh!
(GRUNTS)
- MALIBU STACY: Ew.
- Ew?
Honestly, it's kind of cute.
Maybe you should chill.
Chill? May I remind you
that we are in a crisis?
No! Because that's all you do!
Any time there's a little optimism,
here you come with more bad news,
and squish we're all miserable again.
I don't want to play with you anymore!
(ALL GASP)
When we're all stuck indoors
for who knows how long,
we have to tell each other
things are going to work out.
Because if we all just tell each
other we'll get through this,
then by some kind of magic, we will.
And in a crisis,
there's nothing more powerful
than showing a little empathy
to the people around you.
(AS MALIBU STACY): That is beautiful.
Do you really think
this will be over soon?
(REGULAR VOICE): Meh,
lockdown's going on forever.
Count on it.
BROCKMAN: Lockdown is over.
Our furry invaders have
cocooned themselves,
presumably forever.
As our long regional nightmare ends,
we emerge blinking in the sun,
vowing to move on,
forget and learn nothing.
It's hard to believe we can
just go wherever we'd like.
We made it, gang.
I always knew we would.
- Aw.
- (GASPS) Butterfly!
Cool.
HOMER: Ew!
- MARGE: Gross.
- BART: Get 'em off, get 'em off!
LISA: Aah! Butterflies!
HOMER: They bite!
Here we go, guys. I stole Flanders'
streaming password so
we're back in business.
(SCOFFS) What the hell is GodFlix?
HOMER: Oh,
a Christian streaming service?!
(KIDS GROAN)
Actually,
some of these look pretty good.
Ooh, The Mary Virgin Moore Show.
It's Always Sunny in Beth Shemesh.
Oh! Prayer of Easttown.
How I Met Your Savior.
Better Call King Saul.
The Real Manger Wives of Bethlehem.
Curb Your Agnosticism.
(CHORAL VERSION OF LUCIANO MICHELINI'S
"FROLIC" PLAYING)
Shh!