The Simpsons s35e03 Episode Script

1
[AGNES' VOICE] Aah!
[PHONE CHIMING]
Nice car.
What are the odds?
♪
[ENGINE REVS, TIRES SCREECH]
[ALARMED BLEAT]
Hey, move it or lose it!
[TIRES SCREECH]
[GRUNTS]
There's no food left,
and the dog got sprayed by a skunk.
[HOMER WHIMPERS]
[SNORES] D'oh! Stupid imagination.
♪
Oh, why do we have to meet
the new neighbors now?
It's the NFL preseason.
The starters will be playing
for the whole first quarter.
We have to meet the new neighbors
before they hear about us
from the old neighbors.
Hey, I have friends
in this neighborhood.
There's the guy whose
lawn I used as a shortcut,
the guy whose mailbox
crashed into our car,
and Mrs. Bad Halloween Candy.
If my candy is so bad,
why you take so much of it?
Look, the people
who know us are a lost cause,
but these new people don't know us,
so it is really important to me
to make a good impression.
Oh, don't worry, Mom, my butt is clean
and ready to be seen.
[GASPS]
Anne Blackburn. Charmed.
[GROANS]
You're not upset?
No. I'm Thayer.
So happy to leave the city
and be around real people.
- [GOOFY LAUGH]
- Yarr.
Uh, yes!
I'm Marge, and this is Homer.
It's been so long since I made a basket
for people moving in.
-
- Hmm.
Love this town. Can't believe it has
three Lard Lad locations.
Uh, one of those is police only,
so back off, pal.
So, what do you do?
Something that makes me
look like a nothing, I bet.
Ha. I own a sports car dealership
in north Springfield.
Hey, drop by anytime.
I just had a fantasy about this car.
And Dick Van Dyke.
Well, my friend, perhaps I could
set you up with something.
Those cars are expensive,
and we're still paying off
my new spatula.
Look, most people don't buy.
I don't care.
Just pop in for a look, stretch out,
chug a smartwater in
the front seat on us.
Can I get a test drive
in front of everyone I
went to high school with?
Of course.
Whoa-ho, that's quite a grip.
See, Marge?
Strangling the boy has paid off.
Just kidding. I don't do that anymore.
Times have changed.
Hey, do you play pickleball?
Is that the game like tennis
but you don't have to run?
Well, you do have to move a little.
- Then no.
- Aw, that's too bad,
'cause where I play, there's this great
- ice cream place across the st
- I'm in!
Saturday at 2:00. I will drive.
[CLANGING]
And while the boys
are hanging out, Marge,
how about a massage?
Sure, but I have to warn you,
my fingers aren't that strong.
No, no, we get massages
while we chat through the face holes,
my treat.
Listen, pal, if you're moving
into this neighborhood,
there is one thing I've
got to warn you about.
Howdily-doodily. I brought bibles
for the new arrivals.
[CHUCKLES] Who's that stupid guy?
Exactly.
If you're being bullied,
just know it will get better.
It will get better.
And when you're older, get rich
and wedgie their egos.
[LAUGHS]
[APPLAUSE]
Nobody tries to bully
me into not bullying.
[GRUNTS]
Ow! I was just trying
to give you a high five.
Nerd!
Professor, you've taught me
a very important lesson.
Adults can be nerds, too.
- Nerd!
- I'm telling.
Ah. Too late.
Good one, Nelson.
- Don't tell me what's good.
- [GROANS]
Don't worry, Milhouse,
that assembly taught me
just what to do.
Nelson, I understand
that you're struggling, too.
That's right, I am struggling
with your lack of fountain rides.
- [GRUNTS]
- Aah.
You wet your pants ♪
Bart wet his pants. ♪
You, keep the water coming.
The rest of you, post video.
Not vertical, landscape,
or you'll all get it.
He's worse than ever.
My presentations have made
bullies worse in every school.
We hoped this time would be different.
[GROANS]
Oy. Now what?
It was Nelson.
He's really out of control.
[SKINNER] [OVER P.A.] Attention,
students.
- Be warned
- [LOUD PUNCH]
Ow! My stamp-collecting arm.
[NELSON] Haw-haw.
I think I might know a way to help you.
How are you gonna help me with a bully?
Yeah, Lisa.
You can't even squish a bug.
[CRYING] That poor bug.
It was a raisin.
[MILHOUSE] That poor raisin.
It never should have left Fresno.
[BREATHING HEAVILY]
[PANTING] You probably couldn't tell,
but I've never played before.
- I, um
- Hold on.
All right, I started to suspect
when you tried to eat
the pickleball, Homer.
Nothing should be named
food that isn't food.
[CHUCKLES] Well, I love hanging out
with someone so straightforward.
Confidentially, in my business,
I meet a lot of frauds and phonies.
I hate phonies.
At least I pretend to
because I think it's cool.
So why are you interested in me?
Is it to sell me a car I can't afford?
No, I'm not like that, Homer.
These cars, they sell themselves.
I just want to be your friend.
Well, uh
Eh um
I believe you.
Could I drive it?
[CHUCKLES] Homer?
Yes?
Are you ready for the ride of your life?
I was born ready.
Then I lost interest for a long time.
But I'm ready now.
D'oh!
[GROANS]
[GRUNTING]
Now, no worries.
Each Lambuggini comes with
a tub of Fatso grease.
Just got to apply it.
Ah.
Wow. Wow!
Well, don't look now, Homer,
but you just became a lambo man.
Come on, a loser like me? Never.
Hey, now, would I give a loser
a bottle of genuine Lambuggini wine?
I would not.
Wine from a car? Whoa.
Don't you be getting
no fancy ideas, Homer.
You want to suckle booze,
you come to Mama Moe.
Uh, the car can sense that
you're having an unpleasant thought.
Oh, no, not fresh air!
[MOE SCREAMS]
Why are you being so nice to me?
Well, I like you, Homer.
You live next door,
and we love our house.
Just needs a few tweaks.
Tweaks, tweaks, tweaks, tweaks, tweaks.
And, uh, I really want us to be friends.
Well, I want to believe you.
All right, I understand.
You're not sure.
But there is another guy who
does want to be my buddy.
[GASPS] Another offer? Is it serious?
Oh, yeah.
He's been circling for a while.
I said I'd get back to him by 5:00.
Okay, okay, friends it is.
I'll sign anything.
You just became my lambro.
[LAUGHS] I don't get it.
Well, Marge, you can have
your Lennys and your Carls,
little men with puny cars to match.
I found a new friend.
And tomorrow Anne and I are gonna lunch.
I use that as a verb now. [LAUGHS]
But you got to have friends ♪
The feeling's oh so ♪
Hey, Chief,
aren't you gonna pull him over?
Really? In this Dodge Charger
with 260,000 miles?
With a catalytic converter
that's being stolen as we speak?
- [CLANK]
- Gotcha.
'Cause you got to have friends ♪
La, la, la, la, la, la, la-la-la ♪
Friends ♪
[CHOKING]
That's right, you,
oh, you, yeah, you ♪
I said you gotta have some ♪
- Friends ♪
- Friends. ♪
To the truest kind of
friendship there is:
Couples friendship.
[ALL] Couples friendship.
Why aren't we friends like that?
Is it because you're a doctor
and I'm out of work?
No, it's because we're
not even dining together.
You just slid your table closer to us.
[LAUGHS]
All right, I'll go,
but can I have your bread?
Kirk, please.
[WHISPERING] Shut up. Grab the butter.
Marge, can I take this side of the bed?
I want to be closer
to our new neighbors.
I understand. Mm.
[JACKHAMMERS RUMBLING, HAMMERS POUNDING]
[BOTH CRY OUT]
[MARGE] They're doing a Reno.
Did you know they're doing a Reno?
Well, he did mention something,
and I might have signed something,
but it's not a complete tear-down.
Okay. Okay.
He's leaving up one
closet for tax purposes.
Hey!
Hey, you want to keep it down, lady?
We're trying to work here.
El contrato que firmar decae que
debelamos empezar a las cinco.
Don't give me your
technical construction talk.
How long is this gonna take?
Es difícil de decir,
hay muchas variables.
A¿Cuy¡ntas variables?
¡Ay, ay, ay! ¡ella habla español!
So he wasn't trying to sell you a car.
He was trying to trick you
into agreeing to all of this.
What? No. What? No. What?!
I can't believe a car
salesman would lie to me.
Well, you don't have to hit
me with a ton of bricks.
[MAN] Look out below!
Oh
Oh, don't make fun of me, Lis.
I'm so afraid of Nelson, I'm gonna use
the kindergarten entrance.
Oh, man, I miss kindergarten,
when all the days were half,
and all the milk was chocolate.
Give me your lunch money.
Why do you need lunch money?
You guys go home for lunch.
We can do this the easy way,
or we can do it the easy way.
That's it. We're kindergarteners.
We can use the regular entrance.
I don't think Mr. Nelson Muntz
will be bothering you anymore.
[LAUGHTER]
I have him right where I want him.
I learned all about cyberbullying
- on an-idiot-says-what.org.
- What?
I have every embarrassing
video of him on file.
Nelson, you been eating
my cherry lipstick again?
I swear, it wasn't me.
That counts as breakfast.
[LAUGHTER]
I ain't afraid of you or your bodyguard.
Really?
I've also got footage of what you did
to that wounded hummingbird.
No!
I may not have a daddy,
but now you have a daddy.
♪
I can't believe he only lasted two days.
[SOBBING]
[LAUGHTER]
You win.
How may I serve you, master?
Give me your vest.
- Is your shirt just drawn on?
- Yes.
You said a few tweaks!
That house is a complete do-over!
[SIGHS] I'm sorry,
can you give me a minute here?
Are you sure?
I'm about to spend $200,000.
Homer, my friend,
for you I'll forego my commission.
Gil, the sale's yours.
Ha-cha!
Old Gil's finally gonna close.
[CHUCKLES] Just need a pen.
Who's got a pen?
[LAUGHS] Waiting on that pen.
[NERVOUS LAUGH]
Aw, I used to have a pen,
but my wife got it in the divorce.
Hey, no pen, no sale.
Aw, no, no, no!
Dang it. I would have been able
to pay the rent on my shoes.
Just tell me how long your renovation
is really gonna take.
Quite simply,
it depends on how long it takes
the bathroom tile to
arrive from Singapore.
What the? I thought we were friends.
We drove fast together.
You know what, you're right, Homer.
We'll reduce the noise,
we'll start later,
and while we're working on the house,
why don't you use one of our lambos?
Long as you want.
Oh my fob.
[CHUCKLES] So, uh, are we good?
We are, but my wife might
take a little convincing.
Just take her and the family for a ride.
But there isn't enough
room for the kids.
Exactly.
Oh
I don't get it.
Shall I turn on your seat warmer?
Seat warmer? What's that?
Ooh. Oh.
Well, I guess that renovation
has to end sometime. [CHUCKLES]
♪
- [ALL GROANING]
- Gross.
It's worse than you think.
They're married
to each other! [MAKES RETCHING SOUND]
Ew. If I ever kiss my husband, shoot me.
Well, well, well, Nelson Muntz.
Do you have the juice box I ordered?
Right here, sir.
Could you insert the straw for me?
Of course, sir. Right away, sir.
Now, you know what to do.
Haw-haw!
[GASPS] My computer is frozen.
Nelson's out of my control.
What did you do?
I found my own nerd.
Hubert Wong?
I thought we were buddies.
He made a compelling case
when he put my face in a toilet.
I'm gonna beat you like
a Hopi spirit drum.
[SCOFFS] Good reference, Lisa.
If it were the celebration
of the Nasanmuya moon,
which it definitely is not.
Ooh. [GROWLS]
Well, he walked up to me ♪
And he asked me if
I wanted to dance ♪
He looked kind of nice ♪
So I said I might take a chance. ♪
And now, for your entertainment,
groundskeeper Willie will try to catch
a greased Martin.
And when he walked
me home that night ♪
All the stars were
shining bright ♪
And then he kissed me. ♪
[WIND WHOOSHING]
Oh, my God.
It blocks out all our light.
[HOMER] I'll handle this.
[THAYER] Hello, you've reached Thayer.
Listen, you charming
We're doing some minor touch-ups
on casa de Blackburn,
so we're getting away from the dust
and the nightmare of it all
[ANNE] In Bora Bora.
See you in six weeks.
[DIAL TONE]
- Bora?
- Bora?!
What do we do now?
What neighbors have
done during construction
since the time of the pharaohs:
Sit and mutter.
[MUTTERING INDISTINCTLY]
[HOMER] No good,
two-bit charming son of a gun
Muttering, eh? Can I join you?
I brought my muttering chair.
- No.
- You stupid, ungrateful
[BELL TOLLING]
[ALL MUTTERING]
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]
[MUSIC STOPS]
Hubert Wong.
Lisa Simpson. It's on.
Nerdo y nerdo.
It's nerdo a nerdo.
Only a nerdo would know that.
A nerda! And it is on.
Why'd you stop?
I just realized this
extracurricular activity
would look bad on a college application.
Wha? Are you also thinking detente?
I was actually thinking "entente."
Whoa, moving a little fast there, Lisa.
Nerds. What have they ever
contributed to society?
Siri, tell me one thing
that nerds have ever done.
They created me to answer
everyone's questions.
It's a living hell.
Hmm, you know, I can't even remember
what they're fighting over.
Want to go on the teeter-totter?
Meh, why not?
[BOTH] Seesaw, Marjorie Daw ♪
Jack shall have a new master ♪
He shall make but a penny a day ♪
'Cause he can't move any faster. ♪
Ah, the old seesaw chant.
When they're finished,
do you want to join me
for an up-and-down?
Get away from me.
[MACHINERY WHIRRING]
[MARGE GRUNTING RHYTHMICALLY]
There's nothing we can do?
We can't stop them? We can't sell?
And God forbid we burn their house down.
Just putting that out there.
- We could never do that.
- No.
Although fires are easy
to blame on Grampa.
Just putting that out there.
You put everything out
there but the trash.
Maybe you could do the trash.
- Just putting
- Don't say it.
We have an answer.
Wait, you guys are friends now?
I've learned everything
there is to learn about Lisa.
It made me realize if someone
doesn't help her family,
and soon, she's gonna go off the rails
in a very bad way.
And I've learned that Hubert
is desperate for approval,
so I can control him
with pumpkin stickers.
Gimme, gimme, gimme.
Yes. I matter.
Anyway, when I was doxing your daughter,
I learned a very interesting thing
about this street.
Your home sits on the site
where Jebediah Springfield
founded this town.
Eh, we better stop here
'cause the horses are dead.
Spring, field?
We'll call it Fieldspring.
So this street is a historical landmark.
All their renovations are not permitted.
Parenthetically, Homer,
you can never fix your house again.
Win-win!
Attention. I am here to return a car.
Homer, buddy, I thought we were friends.
I've learned that my only true friends
are those tragic souls at Moe's.
Now go fob yourself!
Well, I guess I made a mistake, Homer.
I thought you were a lambo man.
News flash. I was wrong.
You know, I've learned something.
There's no such thing as a "lambo man,"
just rich jerks with stupid cars.
Oh, my God, he's right.
This doesn't make my
junk look any bigger.
You know what? Forget it.
I'm gonna date somebody my own age.
When you have love,
you don't need a fancy car.
[ENGINE BACKFIRES, SPUTTERS]
Someday, young man,
this will all be yours.
♪
- [NEIGHS]
-
[NARRATOR] That spot became
many things over the years.
An outhouse, a speakeasy.
Six witches were burned
in the front yard
in the 1940s.
Then it was the home of a radical cult,
Reagan campaign headquarters,
which was swallowed by a sinkhole
and then spat back out.
And finally, the home of the Simpsons.
[FUTURISTIC VERSION OF
THE SIMPSONS THEME PLAYS]
What are you looking at?!
Shh.