The Simpsons s35e08 Episode Script

1
- [WHISTLE BLOWS]
- [COACH KRUPT] Hustle up, snot rockets.
Today we start a unit
that will test your physical
and emotional endurance.
It will make men of you, if you survive.
[ALL GASP]
I speak of social dancing.
[OVERLAPPING WHIMPERING]
If we dance with girls, that means
we'll have to touch them.
My mom says only sheeple wear masks,
but I don't care.
Cooties aren't a hoax. They're real.
- Grow up. Maturity.
- [GRUNTS]
- Rite of passage.
- Ow!
- Change is beautiful.
- Ow!
You will learn the touchiest version
of the Texas two-step.
Like so.
[COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYS]
Get real close, boys!
Body to body. No daylight.
We're gonna get cooties for sure.
I'm gonna find a way to protect us.
Everyone solo dance till I get back.
♪
Perfect.
Quick,
put these band-aids on your hands.
They'll block any and all girl contact.
Gimme! Gimme! Gimme!
Oh, I don't feel so good.
Oh, these band-aids smell
like my uncle Claude.
Uh-oh.
Transdermal
nic o tine!
[ALL SHOUTING, GRUNTING]
[GRUNTING]
[YELLING]
[GROWLING]
[GRUNTING]
Well, Bart, you've really
wet the mogwai this time.
This wasn't my fault.
I didn't know those band-aids
would make everyone crazy.
You expect me to believe that?
Bart Simpson, the prank king?
The boy who live streamed my colonoscopy
to the second graders?
Hey, Ralph did find that polyp.
It was benign.
Unlike your punishment.
Fine, don't believe me.
No one ever believes me.
Do your worst.
Welcome to supermax detention.
[DOOR CREAKS]
Your worst was did.
Did you see that video with
the dancing Canadian boy?
Yeah. Cute.
Did you see the "unlikely animal
friends" video with the
Raccoon and horse riding around.
Good for them.
- Mm-hmm, they'll do that.
- [PHONE CHIMES]
Oh.
Homer,
we just got invited to a wedding
én the Poconos.
It's a destination wedding.
- Oh, God, no.
- What?
Let me educate you about
destination weddings.
Or, as I like to call them,
forced vacations.
You fly halfway across the country
to sit in a boring church,
not on Sunday.
Then you're stuck in a lousy hotel
for a whole weekend
with a bunch of people
you don't know,
or you do know and you hate.
And that's just the beginning.
First there's the "welcome drinks,"
where the "signature cocktail" has a
[GAGS] cucumber in it.
And this one's in the Poconos,
which sounds like islands,
but it's just Pennsylvania.
And you're forced to do all these
preplanned activities,
like a zipline you're too fat to use.
And they have to bring in
a telephone bucket truck
to get you down!
And at the after-wedding brunch,
everyone calls you Johnny Zipline.
And they open the presents
in front of everybody,
so they all know from
the online registry
yours is the cheapest.
And it's all super expensive,
so you have to waste
all the airline miles you got
when your credit card
was stolen by scammers,
who bought $50,000 of printer toner!
Of course. Yes. The toner miles.
We can use them to fly to the wedding.
Oh but my rant.
Homer Simpson,
I can't think of anything more romantic
than transporting ourselves
to a magical setting
to celebrate a new love.
We are going.
[WHINES]
There. Done.
Clean it again.
Ugh! This isn't fair.
I didn't do anything wrong.
My only crime is I
didn't want to do dancing
with some stupid girls!
Girls? That's why you're here?
[SCOFFS] Be a man, boy.
Don't fall apart over some lassie
with silky hair and a
dimple you could get lost in
like a bottomless pit
of sweetness that
[SOBBING]
[GRUNTS, SHOUTS]
Oh, that feels better.
So, you want to tell me about this girl?
[SIGHS] Take a seat.
[GRUNTING]
It all happened in Scotland,
in me youth.
There was this girl
that I loved. Maisie.
I thought she loved me back.
But she broke my heart.
That's why I came to America,
blighted land of barbenheimmering
wrestling believers.
To forget the fickle
lass who let Willie down.
And all women! [GRUNTS]
I'm with you, brother.
[STRAINING]
Who needs girls?
Now we're rage-bonding.
[GRUNTS] Men don't let men down.
[GRUNTS] This is how we express emotion!
[LAUGHS]
We're gonna have a good day ♪
- And all my homies gonna ride today ♪
-
- And all these mommies look fly today ♪
-
- And all we wanna do is get by today ♪
-
Hey ♪
- We're gonna have a good day. ♪
-
Willie, get your wheelbarrow.
You won't believe what they
threw out at the hospital.
Huh? Willie? Willie?
Seymour, Willie's gone.
I can't find him anywhere.
Ha. Willie disappears all the time.
He's probably drunk in a ditch
on the outskirts of town.
Oh, my God. Willie?
And then there's all the creepy
wedding weekend hook-ups,
which lead to the next
destination wedding.
Dad, snap out of it.
Something's happened to Willie.
Someone trashed his shack,
and I can't find him anywhere.
- [FACETIME RINGING]
- [GASPS]
- It's him.
- Bart, my wee bestie.
I'm in Edinburgh. I need you. Help!
[CRYING OUT]
[BART] Somebody kidnapped Willie.
We've got to go to
Scotland and help him.
I'm the only person who
cares about him in the world.
Homie, Bart's begged us
for a lot of things,
but I've never seen this
look in his eye before.
Not even when he begged
us for that neck tattoo
of a rattlesnake with
a hand grenade tail.
But we can't just fly to Scotland.
Marge, there is one way.
No, don't say it.
I have to say it.
- No.
- The miles.
But-but the Poconos.
The miles, Marge. They're transferable.
I know. I know they are.
Ugh, I guess we're not going
to that destination wedding
after all.
[SCOTTISH MUSIC PLAYS]
[GASPS] That's the building
from Willie's call.
[TIRES SCREECH]
Willie, where are you?
[WILLIE] Bart, is that you?
I'll save you, Willie!
I won't let those bastards
pass you appetizers?
Oh, Bart, you came. And just in time.
- In time for what?
- My wedding.
Willie's getting married!
Married?!
[HOMER] Welcome bags,
schedule of events.
Losers from home,
new people I already hate.
This is a
Destination wedding.
[SOBBING] No!
What the hell, boy?
A destination wedding?
You promised me a kidnapping, or murder.
Yeah, Willie, what the hell?
On that call, it sounded
like someone was killing you.
Oh, that was just Ìaisie
coming in for a snog.
Give us a smooch, you big, ugly bawbag.
Aw haud yer weesht 'fore I boke.
[BOTH GRUNTING, STRAINING]
Maisie? Isn't that
the girl that betrayed you?
[LAUGHS]
Well, there is a bit of a story there.
A love story. Ooh, please say it's long.
It's all in the
welcome-cocktail slide show.
Oh!
[GENTLE ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING]
[WILLIE] I was working for Ìaisie's da,
harvesting peat in the peat bogs.
[MAISIE] Burning peat is what gives
whiskey its distinctive flavor.
And Willie could sniff out
the best bogs of them all.
And that's how we met.
[MAISIE] It was a "peat cute." [LAUGHS]
[WILLIE] I was the happiest
mud smeller in the world.
But her family disapproved of me.
They tried to shovel us apart,
so we made plans to elope
and sail away together.
But when I waited at the docks,
she did nae show.
So I left for America, alone and bitter.
The reason I didn't show
was my family told me
Willie was eaten by a sheep.
But when I saw your TikTok,
I knew my love was alive.
She slid right into my DMs.
We started sexting right away.
[WILLIE] So I dropped
everything and came back,
where the whole family was waiting
with open arms and an apology haggis.
[APPLAUSE]
Oh, Willie, we cannot wait
to shove that wonderful
nose of yours in the bogs
again and take our whiskey
- right back to the top.
- [CHEERING]
Willie was the one person
who understood my anger.
Now it's like all our
screaming meant nothing.
Yeah, well, everything
I hate about these things
is coming true.
We just got here, and the weird hook-ups
have already started.
So, is there a lunch Mr. Dora?
- [LAUGHS]
- Ew.
Mom, how come Lisa doesn't have to do
all this lovey-dovey wedding crap?
Well, your sister isn't best friends
with the school janitor,
so she went off to tour
Edinburgh on her own.
Okay, I rubbed the toe
of David Hume's statue.
I climbed the Walter Scott monument.
I ate something called a scotch egg,
which I very much regret.
[GASPS] The fringe festival.
A celebration of theatrical irony
and self-awareness.
One for Musical: The Play, please.
Sorry, darling,
this ticket booth is Ticket Booth,
a one-man show about a ticket booth.
If you want to buy a
ticket for Ticket Booth,
the Ticket Booth ticket
booth is over there.
It's so clever without being good.
Thanks for joining us on our love hike
from Moorland heath to Heathland moor.
And now, a gentle stroll
through the seven hills of Edinburgh.
Aw, why can't all hills go down?
[SCOFFS] And look at all
this cutesy romantic crap
they're forcing us to do.
When am I gonna get some free time?!
Listen, mister,
you're the one who dragged us here,
spending a lifetime
of frequent-flier miles,
and I'm not gonna let you
ruin this for me.
So how about you just suck it up
and do the cute activities?
- If you find yourself caught in love ♪
-
Say a prayer to the man above ♪
Thank him for
everything you know ♪
- You should thank him for every breath you blow ♪
-
If you find yourself
caught in love ♪
Say a prayer to the man above ♪
- Thank him for every day you pass ♪
-
You should thank him for
saving your sorry ass. ♪
Look, Lis,
I'm gonna ask you for something
I've never asked before. Your opinion.
You literally haven't said a word to me
this entire trip.
Well, now I am, okay?
[SIGHS] Oh
Hanging out with Willie was the one time
I ever felt I wasn't the only crazy one,
that someone understood me.
And now he's gone goo-goo for this girl
whose family screwed him over.
What do I do?
Well, when someone gets a chance
to put an end to their loneliness,
they gotta take it.
Have you ever seen Willie this happy?
♪
Not even when Skinner
got kicked in the face
at the Krav Maga assembly.
So be happy for his happiness.
♪
[LAUGHS] So, Maisie,
tell me more about your
fairy-tale romance.
You're like two shreks in a swamp.
Aw, it's the same old story.
Numpty meets bird,
they start to doggin',
get told each is deid, then reunite
and pick right up again
with the hochmagandy.
[LAUGHS] That's so romantic.
Unlike ugh.
Hmm? Mmm.
You know what, I'm making a toast.
Clink, clink, clink, clink, clink.
- Shut up, everybody.
- Ah!
Look at these kids, so in love.
When Homer and I first got together,
we were the same.
We couldn't keep our
hands off each other.
Now we just spend every night
doom-scrolling our life away,
and watching a squirrel surf
on the back of an alligator.
Marge! Trashing our marriage
is something that should
only be done in the privacy of our home.
And that's our romance for the ages.
It began with a wild night
in a mini-golf windmill,
and now [BLOWS RASPBERRY]
How can you say that?!
This is the worst thing
that's ever happened
in the beheading room of this castle.
Bart, I want to thank you for
bringing me back to Maisie.
I've never been so happy.
You know, I think I get it.
Good lad. That's why I'm giving you
a very important role in the wedding.
You're going to lead the dance.
Ooh, a spikey American.
[COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYS]
No! Men don't let men down!
[STRAINING]
Our cake.
Now what will you shove in my gob?
[SOBBING]
You wee bastard.
You ruined my wedding.
Good.
That's the only friend
that you made in America?
Aye.
Oh, my head. Homie, what do you take
for a hangover? Huh?
Oh, fine, be that way.
For once, I'm the one
who spoke truth while drunk.
Oh-oh. Running away from a fight, huh?!
Well, I'm still mad at you!
Well, I'm still mad at you!
You told everyone that I
don't care about romance,
and now they think
Homer Simpson is vanilla
in the sack!
[ECHOING] Homer Simpson
is vanilla in the sack!
Vanilla in the sack!
Vanilla in the sack!
Vanilla in the sack!
Bad at sex!
I can't believe I ever
looked up to that guy.
Stupid Willie.
[MAN CACKLING]
Stupid Willie.
That nobody thinks he
can be a macweldon?
Ha! All he's good for is his nose.
Once they're married,
Willie will sniff out
a mother lode of good peat.
And then he's out!
And then Maisie can
find a proper husband,
not some floor-waxing puke-mopper.
[SINISTER LAUGHTER]
This whole thing was
a setup to use Willie?
That girl doesn't even love him?
Why would you do that to my friend?
Wee sleekit cowerin' timerous beasties
shouldn't stick their nebs
in other people's bizzo.
I have no idea what you just said.
B-But I get the context.
[BOTH GRUNT]
- Let me out!
- Oh, no, you're staying right here
with your only entertainment,
this cribbage board.
[LAUGHS]
Hey, where are the pegs?
Oh, they're in this little drawer.
[ORGAN PLAYING]
[MARGE] Homer would never
get how sweet this is.
How'd I wind up with the
most unromantic man on earth?
[PHONE CHIMES]
-
- Why is he texting me during a wedding?
-
- Hmm?
[LAUGHING]
They shouldn't be together,
but they are.
[GASPS]
Oh
[PANTING]
[GASPS]
Homer!
Marge!
Did you get my gorilla-dolphin video?
It was so unlikely, just like us.
That's why I sent it to you!
I'm sorry I trashed our marriage
in a rehearsal dinner toast.
I'm sorry I was such a downer
about this destination wedding.
I should have just pretended
to go along with it,
like I do with everything
else in our marriage.
♪
I don't care if our romance began
when we did it on a mini-golf course.
It's still epic.
How epic would it be if we did it on
the best golf course in the world?
You are so romantic.
Fore play.
[BOTH MOANING]
I gotta get out of here and warn Willie
that girl's just marrying
him for his nose.
[GROANS]
Birdseed bags,
soap with Willie's face on it,
sleep masks.
Aha.
I, groundskeeper Willie,
take you, booze-maker Maisie
[BART] Stop the wedding.
Stop the wedding!
- [PEOPLE GASPING]
- What are you doing, boy?
Why don't you want Willie to be happy?
[GRUNTS] I do!
This girl doesn't love you.
Her family only brought you here
for your peat sniffing.
Pa, Hamish, Owen, can this be true?
Of course it's true.
You're just a nose to us.
We've got to compete with
all these celebrity booze brands.
From your tall, dark Clooneys
to your wee Danny DeVitos,
there's no room for a
passable entry-level scotch.
William,
I didn't know about any of this.
I swear, I'd love you
even if you never sniffed
another bog as long as you lived.
I wish I could believe you.
I'll prove it.
- [SHOUTS]
- [PAINED GROAN]
[ALL GASP]
Ah, you broke my sniffer.
You do love me.
- Forever and a day. Ugh!
- Ow.
I'll never smell nothing again.
[ALL] Aww.
I think I get it, Lisa.
I understand love now.
[MAISIE SHOUTS]
Willie was a lonely guy ♪
Cleaning out toilets ♪
And sawdusting puke ♪
Watching as his life went by ♪
His only friend was
a ten-year-old boy ♪
Maisie was a Scottish lass ♪
Thinking that her love
was killed by a sheep ♪
20 long years did pass ♪
Then she saw him on a
Chinese social media app ♪
Willie raced to Scotland,
Simpsons had to follow ♪
Destination wedding,
Homer full of sorrow ♪
Bart was total raging,
Marge got mad at Homer ♪
Marge got really steaming,
not affect the wedding ♪
Made a drunken toast ♪
Lisa loved the festival ♪
And you just saw it in this show ♪
And we all love the musical ♪
The wedding day
turned out triumphant ♪
This love song is redundant ♪
Remember how it used to be ♪
When our love was young,
many golden memories. ♪
Shh!