The Simpsons s35e10 Episode Script

1
In local news,
champion angler Abe Simpson
is retiring.
Yes, it's o-fish-ial.
After reeling in his
20th Fishing Derby win,
he's finally bowing trout.
Later, stay tuna for a sharking story
about a local sturgeon
with a cod complex
who kills patients just for the halibut.
Abe, why retire now?
Well, I want to go out
on my 20-year win streak
and pass along my only
earthly talent to my son.
Tomorrow he's gonna take over
the Simpson family fishing dominance.
To all you fish out there watching,
he's a-comin' for ya!
Whoa. It's sexy
when you're on the local news
for something not horrible.
Those fish should be so scared.
Oh, those fish
shouldn't be scared at all.
I never win anything.
Why does my dad think I'll
win this fishing contest?
Maybe because all you
have to do is sit still
and hold a stick.
That's two things! [GROANS]
- [BIRDS SINGING]
-
[HUMMING]
[DOOR OPENS]
Principal Skinner, sorry to barge in,
but I'm applying to the most selective
kids' summer camp in the country.
They even reject the Silicon
Valley Adderall kids.
And, um, I was hoping you'd write me
a letter of recommendation.
[CHUCKLES] Recommendation letter?
No one's ever asked me to
write one of those before.
I've mainly just done letters
to judges requesting leniency.
If I'm accepted into the
University of Springfield Camp,
I'll be fast-tracked to get into
the Amherst Middle
School Summer Workshop,
which is a feeder
to the UC Santa Cruz
Marine Biology Retreat,
which is a sure ticket into
the Oberlin Philosophy Day Camp
with sleepover option.
Well, I believe my Edu95 software bundle
did come with a recommendation template.
[WHIRRING]
Don't forget,
I was the classroom hamster monitor.
And the art club parliamentarian.
And I chaired the fundraiser
to get the lunch ladies
ethical hairnets. [CHUCKLES]
Got it.
"Many interests."
And print.
[WHIRRING]
[GASPS]
Never mind.
- ♪
-
Welcome to the annual
Springfield Fishing Derby,
sponsored by Duff Camo.
"The deer will never see you're drunk."
And now,
the champion emeritus will throw out
the ceremonial first cast!
[GRUNTS]
- [CHUCKLES]
- [CHEERING]
Dad, why do you think I can do this?
I never win anything.
Oh, I don't believe in you.
I'm banking on the
Simpsons fishing gene.
I'm finally gonna pass down something
other than chronic hand hate.
- [CRYING]
- Oh!
We're three hours into this nail-biting,
intense competition, folks,
which means butt fatigue
is really setting in
on these recumbent warriors.
[GROANING]
[JOINTS CRACKING]
Aw, man, if I wanted to
watch Dad sit and do nothing,
I'd visit him at work.
Mom, I bet the other camp applicants
are volunteering and
accomplishing stuff.
I'm just standing around here
getting a tan line from my pearls!
I'm sure you'll get in.
You get into everything.
I could pick up litter,
rescue driftwood,
make sure beavers aren't chewing
on washed-up mannequin arms.
- [CHITTERING ANGRILY]
- [GRUNTING]
- Oh
- [QUIETLY] Sorry, Marge,
but could you murmur a little quieter?
I'm trying to fish.
Uh-oh.
I got to let myself run a little.
Oh, oh, oh, oh! Oh! Oh!
- Hmm.
- [HOMER GROANING]
[OTHERS LAUGHING]
Ah!
[LAUGHTER]
What the hell is that thing?!
Get it out! Get it!
Oh. Hey!
- Homie!
- [BART WHOOPING]
The fish weight to beat is 7.2 pounds.
Will a heavier fish arise?
We'll find out right after this.
When you're gutting your catch,
are you sick and tired
of being stared at
by cold, accusing fish eyes?
You need the Happy Hood.
That's right, fish, you'll love it!
And don't forget to play
the Happy Hood mobile game.
Homer Simpson's fish comes in at
10.4 pounds.
We have a winner!
[CRYING] I've never won anything before.
What do I do?
Uh
[CHUCKLES] Oh, my gorgeous boy.
I've never loved you more!
Thanks, Dad.
I get to cook my husband's
prize-winning fish!
The whole house is gonna
stink like victory!
What? Is this where marbles come from?
Like pearls and lobsters?
Uh, how did my slingshot
marbles get in there?
You added weight to
my fish with marbles?!
I-I couldn't help it!
Watching you lose was so boring.
So I didn't really win at all.
You cheated!
[GRUNTING ANGRILY]
[SIGHS] Oh.
Oh, my gorgeous boy,
I've never loved you more!
"The Saga of the Oregon Trail,"
a poem by Milhouse Van Houten.
"We started our journey to the Pacific
because we heard that it was terrific."
I'm here to take Bart Simpson
to his doctor's appointment.
I have a doctor's appointment?
Oh, yeah. Bunch of them.
You're really sick.
"We made our first camp
when we were all ready.
"We made our first dinner,
meatballs and spaghetti."
Uh, this isn't the way to the doctor.
[LAUGHS]
There's no doctor.
So I'm not sick?
I don't know. Everybody's got something.
- You and me are going cheating.
- Huh?
When your fish marbles
won me that contest,
it was the greatest thrill
I ever had as a father.
And I want to feel that rush again.
Uh, how do we cheat at rock skipping?
I don't know. Making a plan
to cheat in advance felt dishonest.
- [WHIRRING]
- [HUMMING]
Perfect.
- [WHIRRING]
- [HIGH-PITCHED HUMMING]
Ooh, a big envelope from
summer camp admissions!
[SINGSONGY] I bet that's good news!
Mom, that's my safety.
Of course I'm gonna get in there.
Florida State's a total party camp.
Why haven't I heard yet?
Janey got responses from all her camps,
even her reaches.
Her essay was about her
grandmother's immigrant story.
- Uh-huh.
- She came from Ottawa.
That's barely an immigrant.
- [WHIRRING]
- [GRUNTING]
[ANNOUNCER] Coming up later,
the LIV Pickleball Tour
from Riyadh,
where it's 110 degrees in the desert
and the action's heating up.
But now it's time for
competitive rock skipping!
They are really scraping
the bottom of the barrel
for new sports content.
Yeah, and barrel scraping is up next.
[ANNOUNCER] Here we have
last year's champion,
Cletus Spuckler, taking the shore.
Home viewers will notice
that's not the famous
Nike swoosh on his shoes
but, rather, leeches on his bare feet.
Here comes the skip.
[AUDIENCE GASPING]
[ANNOUNCER] 22 skips!
That's a throw worthy of the late,
great Doink Anderson!
Interesting fact
he left his widow nothing.
Next up, Homer Simpson,
a first-timer but using the
same equipment as these pros,
a flat rock he found on the ground.
[KISSES, GRUNTS]
- [ANNOUNCER] 46 skips.
- [AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING]
This almost makes my
hitchhiking here worth it.
[CHUCKLING]
[CHEERING]
This, this is what we do it for.
The cheater's high.
You can feel the scam
pulsing in your blood,
like snorting lotto scratcher dust
or being elected king
of Hamburger Planet!
You know, Dad, all the times
I cheated on stuff before
school tests, COVID tests
I always felt kind of bad about it,
but cheating with you feels so right.
Can we do it one more time?
Son, we're never gonna stop doing it.
Come on,
let's get our cheat on, baby ♪
No need to follow rules,
we're lazy ♪
Order water but fill
your cup with Sprite ♪
Say you're in the Army
to preboard your flight ♪
Fake a corporate tweet
to sell a stock short ♪
Take your pig to work
as emotional support ♪
We're a two-man scheming crew ♪
Cheating's our father-son glue ♪
Honestly, with honesty,
we never got along ♪
I raised you right
by teaching you wrong ♪
Get a doctor's note for
more time on the SAT ♪
Write your term
paper with ChatGPT ♪
Lose an election
and call it unfair ♪
Cut the roller coaster line
with a rented wheelchair ♪
I reckon you're my
cheating soul brother ♪
Cheat on anything ♪
But never each other ♪
But never each other. [WHOOPS]
Bart, I finally get
why some dudes become dads on purpose.
This has been the best week of my life.
Me, too!
And my life's not a
barf-nado like yours.
Do you think it's a little strange
that your dad is suddenly
winning all these contests
and giant prizes?
Yeah, I've noticed the same thing.
I guess I just assumed
that sports in America
- were getting much, much easier.
- [HOMER] Hey, honey.
Do you want this ladies'
ghillie suit I won
at the tobacco-spitting competition?
Homer, we need to talk.
Oh, I like when we talk.
I don't like when we need to talk.
You're sure winning a lot of activities
you've never even tried before.
I'm sorry to ask this, but
are you cheating?
Oh, I can't lie to you.
Wait, that's a lie.
I can lie and I have,
but I'm not going to now.
I am cheating,
but not for prizes or glory.
Me and Bart are cheating
together as a team.
- It's our father-son thing.
- [ELECTRICAL BUZZING]
[SIGHS] Can't you do
something else with Bart,
like coach his soccer team?
Soccer? You mean bribing refs?
Where's the challenge?
That's not the kind of cheating
that brings a dad and his son closer.
We have this special bond,
like LaVar and Lonzo Ball
or Cecil and Prince Fielder
before they became estranged.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Cheating is wrong.
Maybe you should find another
way to bond with your son,
like just being a good dad.
Oh, where's the Jet Ski in that?
[GROWLS]
Marge, you're always saying
you want our kids to succeed.
Then maybe not cheating
is cheating them.
- Hmm.
- Refresh.
Nothing.
Refresh.
Still nothing.
Refresh. [GASPS]
Spinny rainbow!
[GASPS] Nothing.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Lisa Simpson,
I'm here from the University
of Springfield Camp.
And I'm very excited to tell you
that you've been accepted
into our summer program.
[GASPS] I got in?
That's amazing! Oh!
Thank you, thank you, thank you!
It's so classy that you came
to tell everybody in person.
As the rowing coach,
I like to personally welcome
all the incoming members
of our camp rowing team.
What? Rowing?
Your application photos were amazing.
You can row anywhere in the shell
stroke, bow, powerhouse.
Uh, what?
- What?
- See you at camp.
Here's your Henley!
[GASPS]
[GASPS LOUDLY]
[GASPS] Someone put doctored
photos into my application!
And I know who.
♪
[SHRIEKS]
You cheated.
For me!
What?! No, I didn't!
Honey, what's the matter?
Dad and Bart put my head
on an Olympic rower's body
to cheat my way into camp!
No, we didn't. Why would we help someone
who's already good at things?
Now shut up. Dad's in the finals.
He could win an electric truck
they converted back to gas.
You've already cheated at
every dumb sport in the world!
I bet you're cheating at
this dumb sport right now!
[ALL GASP]
[THUD]
[MOLEMAN] Ow, my foot.
[QUIETLY] Lisa, shh.
A lot of these axe throwers
have guns in their cars.
What are you afraid of,
that they'll see
- this?
- [GASPING]
A magnet.
If you was cheating at this,
I bet you cheated at
all them other events
you surprisingly and illogically won.
We were robbed!
Of our prizes and our dignity!
- [HEAVY METAL MUSIC PLAYING]
- Get 'em!
Stay back! I'm a champion axe thrower!
- [GRUNTING]
- [THUD]
[MOLEMAN] Ow, my stump.
Don't let them cheaters get away!
Look, guys, you got us all wrong.
We didn't cheat!
[QUIETLY] Quick, get on the ATVs
we won by cheating.
[LAUGHS]
Looks like you just got cheated!
Out of your revenge!
[ALL SIGH]
If you think I'm not mad anymore,
you're wrong.
While we were escaping,
I got even more mad!
It's called multitasking.
And it was one of the legitimate
skills on my application.
Remember? The one you cheated on?
We didn't, I swear.
- Cheater's honor.
- Oh, really?
Well, if you didn't, then who uploaded
all those fake photos of me
rowing so I could get into camp?
- [MARGE] I did.
- You?
You?! No, no.
It must've been me!
No, it was me.
But, Marge, you're you.
You're sweet, pure, incorruptible.
[GASPS] Dad,
we ruined Mom.
No! No!
[RETCHING]
What have I done?
Other than everything I know that I did?
Yes, I cheated.
And you showed me how to do it.
But not to win a beef jerky dehydrator
or Harley-Davidson beard shampoo.
"If you want your kids to succeed,
then not cheating is cheating them."
[RETCHING]
Mom, you also cheated me
out of the chance
to get in on my own merits!
I worked hard.
I cleaned up the beach.
I taught old people how to email!
I was working with 72-point font!
Oh, this is all our fault.
Son, we made a terrible mistake.
But we can learn and do better.
Let's never, ever bond again.
You're right. Never again.
Promise me this is the last time we hug.
I swear, Dad. I swear.
There you is.
We never would've found you
if it weren't for all
that guilt vomiting
we done heard.
Go ahead. Kill me.
Cleave my skull.
I don't deserve to live after corrupting
the only good person I've ever known.
I don't know about that.
We was just gonna rough
you up a little bit.
Oh. Well, I mean, I
I guess we could kill you,
but you probably need to
sign a waiver or something.
[MAN] Nobody is killing anyone.
[GROANING]
The Simpsons are coming with us.
[YELPING]
[GRUNTS]
[TIRES SCREECH]
You think we'll all stay friends
after this or just drift apart?
Well, mm, drift apart it is.
Aw, this is the camp I wanted to go to.
They must know about
the fake application.
[CHUCKLES] Welcome, Simpsons!
I hope you don't mind that I had
the University of
Springfield football team
bring you here.
Um, I want to apologize
for being party to a false application.
My mother and I need to have
"the talk" about honesty.
Lisa, don't be mad at your mother.
It may surprise you to learn
that this institution has
a proud tradition of embracing cheating.
After all,
this is University of Springfield Camp,
USC.
Well you're okay with me cheating?
Say it isn't so, Dean Belichick.
You think your application
was the only one
with embellishments? Look at these.
This ten-year-old claims she
performs open-heart surgery.
This 12-year old said it was her idea
to use big fat straws for boba tea.
And you know what?
[CHUCKLES] We let them all in.
[LISA GASPS]
But I want to live an ethical life!
This is the world we live in.
Taxpayers hide money from the IRS,
dating profiles are nothing but lies,
and right now the Houston Astros
are dreaming up ways to cheat
that would blow your mind.
[HOMER YELPS]
So, here at USC,
we decided to own cheating
and prepare our students
for the way the world is,
not the way some would like it to be.
What do you say, Lisa?
Will you accept our most prestigious
Lance Armstrong summer scholarship?
Am I risking everything I believe in
by refusing to do something
I don't believe in?
[SIGHS]
I choose honesty.
I'm proud of you, honey.
Yep. Walking out the door.
Leaving this room and this
once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]
Walking out.
[STRAINED] Here I go.
[GRUNTS] Principles powering my feet.
[GROANS]
Would you like me to
give you a little push?
Would you?
[EXHALES]
Let the rowing coach know
we're sorry she was lied to.
[LAUGHS]
I think she may be used to it.
Homer, a moment?
I've been following your
incredible streak of dishonesty.
[CHUCKLES] Very impressive.
So much so,
I'd like to offer you a position
as a professor in our
faculty of cheating studies.
What do you say?
Will you shape the minds
of tomorrow's white-collar criminals?
No.
For once,
I learned something at college
a lesson.
Cheating almost ruined my wife,
who is all the love and
goodness you can stuff
inside a green dress.
I'll never cheat again.
Except on diets.
Okay,
here's how you really skip a rock.
Oh, I used to be so good at this!
Hey, where's Bart?
He said he had an appointment
every Thursday night
from 7:00 to 9:00.
Students, look to your left,
look to your right.
Those are the people
you'll be cheating off of.
Come on,
let's get our cheat on, baby ♪
No need to follow rules,
we're lazy ♪
You get results from hard work,
but ♪
Why bother when there's
a corner to cut? ♪
When you sell your home,
don't mention the mold ♪
If you're gonna cheat,
you gotta go bold ♪
Record that spare as a strike ♪
Strap your Fitbit to your bike ♪
Ain't nothing like cheating ♪
To get the old heart beating ♪
Cheat along, little doggie! ♪
[WHOOPS]
Shh!