The Simpsons s35e11 Episode Script

1
[YELLS]
[WHIRRING]
[WILLIE SHOUTS]
- [SNORING]
- [ALARM CLOCK BUZZES]
Woo-hoo! T.G.I. Monday.
Time to build my future
with the power of work.
[WHISTLES]
Hey, Simpson.
They got fresh donuts in the break room.
No time for donuts. I've got to
get to work. Work, work, work.
Look at that Homer Simpson.
He's the best kind of holic: worka.
[HUMMING]
Hmm. Only two people ahead of me.
I'll be on top in no time.
- [SNORING]
-
[YAWNS]
Quitting time!
Whoa, whoa, Lazy Joe.
Not for 40 minutes.
[HOMER CHUCKLES]
Uh, who do you think you're fooling?
Sometimes the most important
person to fool is yourself.
Woo-hoo! Overtime!
[HUMMING]
Huh? Mm.
[GROANING]
What the? I hired that cone.
What happened, Moe?
When did I go from an up-and-comer
to a guy who drinks other people's beer?
Hey, what happened to my beer?
- A leprechaun.
- Again?
[SIGHS] I used to have ambition, Moe.
What took it away?
Oh, it's a real mystery.
Here, let me pour you another pitcher.
[LAUGHS]
You're a good man, Moe Szyslak.
Just doing God's work.
- [LAUGHS]
-
You know, you start with huge dreams,
but after 20 years at that plant,
all I've got is a big
ball of rubber bands.
For 20 years, that ball ain't so big.
You start out,
you think you're gonna have
a big ball of rubber bands,
then you realize,
you even failed at that.
Oh, that's terribly sad.
Mm.
Scooching over. Scooching, scooching
Too far. I share your disappointment,
you see, because by this point,
I thought I'd have won a
prestigious research grant.
I've never even won
in words with friends.
I have the words but not the friends,
you see.
-
- [HOMER] Wow.
I never knew smart
people could be unhappy.
Oh, my, that's a tear. I have empathy,
which means that I am, in fact, human,
as I have long hypothesized.
- [PHONE RINGS]
- Y'ello.
Homer Simpson? I was wondering
if you'd be interested in a job
at the new nuclear plant in Shelbyville.
Me? Are you sure you don't want
somebody younger or more lenny?
No, you. I've never seen
a résumé like this.
Technically, several
of those jobs were court-ordered.
Works with law enforcement, great.
Texting you a link for the interview.
It's on zoom.
Woo-hoo!
Finally, a use for this ring light
I've been lugging around.
Could this be it?
The moment my life finally
changes for the better.
Oh, Homie. This never would've happened
if you hadn't been sitting
in a bar without your family.
[MOTOR REVS]
I'm your self-doubt,
and I say you're gonna screw it up.
Well, I'm your ambition,
and I say you're gonna blow it.
- Screw it up.
- Blow it.
- Screw it up.
- Blow it.
[DEEP VOICE] No one loves you.
As usual, my imagination is right.
I'll never get that job.
Sir, I will help you with
the power of science.
What does science have to
do with nuclear science?
And why you?
Well, as success stories go,
I may not be an egnot,
but I can certainly help you.
Egnot? What's that?
That's Emmy, Grammy, Nobel,
Oscar, Time magazine subscriber.
Although, I do have the easy one,
of course.
I have an Emmy.
Me, too.
I use mine as corn holders.
Marge, baby, when I get this job,
we're gonna be rich. Rich.
Oh, it's okay, Homie. We're fine.
Are we? I won't have a wife
of mine mending vacuum bags.
You'll get new vacuum bags.
And someday, maybe, a new vacuum.
[VACUUM WHIRRING, CLANGING]
[YOWLS]
[HOMER] And handsome.
Hey, dad, what you doing?
Getting ready for my job interview.
What's Professor Frink doing here?
Aren't they just supposed
to interview you?
Of course it's just me.
Frink's here for moral support.
Well, why can't I give you
moral support?
Because your moral support
always comes with conditions.
I shouldn't drink so much.
I should stay alive so
I can see you graduate.
Come on. Give up those dreams, kid.
- But
- Give them up.
Okay. [SIGHS]
[GRUNTING SOFTLY]
For 18 months, I led a team
at the large hadron collider in Geneva.
Homer, you're early.
I'm still interviewing another
candidate, Dr. Spivak.
I-I don't mind.
I look even better in
comparison to other people.
Doctor, let me interview Homer,
and I'll get back to you soon.
Very soon. Maybe five seconds.
That kind of soon.
Homer, let's start with what
you know about the N.R.C.
[HOMER] N.R.C. N.R.C.
[GASPS] Those are the gun nuts, right?
[FRINK] Oh, dear. As a fellow human,
I want to help him,
but that's unethical.
But I am the kind of nerd
that always must blurt out the answer.
[WHISPERS] Nuclear
Regulatory Commission.
- Yes.
- The Nuclear Regulatory Commission. Yes.
They're important because
They're the government agency
for nuclear plants and materials.
Created by executive order in 1975.
Gluhavic.
They're the government agency
for nuclear plants and materials.
Created by executive order in 1975.
Gluhavic.
Mm. I didn't know that.
Like an iceberg,
there's more to you than meets the eye.
And like an iceberg,
you probably won't see me
during the summer.
[LAUGHS] Excellent. I love gentle humor.
And that's how a diffraction
grating disperses light
into components by wavelength.
Hoyvin moyvin physics.
Homer, I must tell you,
this interview, uh,
was like my feet before glycerin cream.
Started rough but ended quite smooth.
You have the job.
Hyvasti. Nähdään pian.
Uh, ditto.
- [SPIVAK GRUNTING ANGRILY]
-
You know that's my computer, right?
[SPIVAK] Take it.
We did it. Your brains and my listening
was the perfect combination. High four.
And over I go.
I can't believe I got the job.
Well, that's wonderful, and of course,
you will not be needing
my help any longer,
so I wish you the best.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Look, sir, the deal was
I would help you get the job. That's it.
I didn't even ask for anything.
My quid was woefully un-pro quo'd.
You can't walk out on me now.
You know the saying:
If you get a man a job,
you feed him for a day.
If you do a man's job,
you feed him for a lifetime.
Now you want me to do your job for you?
Y-You're a fat yellow banana slug, sir.
[WHIMPERS] Please.
[SIGHS] Fine. Fine. I'll do your job.
I'll do all of it.
No, no, no, no, no, no. Not all my job.
Like my march madness bracket,
I'll handle that.
You can't be trusted with
picking Baylor over Gonzaga.
All right, I'll do that, too.
All right, Simpson,
this is the 691st time
you've left us for another job.
Yeah, well,
I have a good feeling about this time.
So, we finally said what the hell,
we have a form
for everything else around here,
so why not this?
First, uh, how long
do you think you'll be gone?
As always, forever.
For ever.
- [GRUNTING]
-
- Mm-hmm.
-
And, uh, finally, in this instance,
where would you like everyone here
to take this job and shove it?
I'll let you pick.
- [GRUNTS]
-
Now, all that's left is, uh,
for you to storm out dramatically.
Don't tell me what to do! I quit!
- [SIGHS]
- [DOOR SLAMS]
So, you need me to tell you what to do,
but there's no way I can
be with you at the new job.
So, I have engineered this.
Just get it out here.
This is the "ear-a-no de frink-a-talk."
[LAUGHS] I named it myself.
You see, it transmits my
voice right into your ear,
so you can repeat my words like a parrot
or a macaw or even my pet budgie.
I'm in a cage, Professor,
and even I have more fun than you.
[SQUAWKS]
Wait a minute,
weren't there two birds in that cage?
[COUGHS] I'm a cannibal. [SQUAWKS]
We Finns believe the best employee
is a rested employee.
Now, it, uh,
takes months before an employee
is comfortable sleeping at work, we
- Why, look at you.
- [SNORES]
Huh? What? Occupied.
There's that American can-sleep spirit.
Now, let me show you
the employee canteen.
♪
Aw, geez, I can't afford this.
No, it's all free.
Free? Who are you people?
Well, in Finland,
we're not only experts at nuclear power,
but for six years in a row,
we've been the happiest
people in the world.
Makes sense.
You live so close to Santa Claus.
Actually, our happiness
is a combination of jante,
low expectations, sisu, determination
- Sisu.
- And kalsarikännit.
Which is?
Drinking at home in your underwear.
[PHONE BEEPS]
Hmm.
Oh, my God. I was kalsarikännit
before it was cool.
Holidays, Sundays, football Mondays,
phone-it-in Fridays.
Magnificent.
We also offer free daycare,
bottomless hot chocolate,
and a roving squad
of surprise masseuses.
Oh, oh! Oh
Is there anything Vikings can't do?
Win the Super Bowl.
And this is where you'll be working.
You remember Dr. Spivak, don't you?
They hired me as your assistant.
Hey, you're the lady who thought
she was gonna get the job.
No hard feelings?
Well, certainly, not to your face.
Hmm, I'm sensing something
beneath that remark.
Nothing I'll share with you.
Until it's too late.
That's cool. You'd be surprised
how many people talk to
me in that tone of voice.
I'm sure I would.
Is it just me or are
we getting along great?
[GRUNTING HAPPILY]
[HUMMING]
How was your first day?
Marge, I tell ya,
for the first time in my career,
I feel like I've made it.
There was nothing you couldn't handle?
There was nothing you couldn't handle.
There was nothing I couldn't handle.
Mm, I like the way you
think before you answer.
Did you say Frink before I answer?
Now why would you Frink that?
That's an odd way to put it,
but I'll ignore it
because we finally have daycare.
I can take a bath for as long as I want
in the middle of the day.
I can floss once, then throw it away,
like a movie star.
We can afford extra virgin olive oil.
Maggie, I brought
some food home from work.
They're meatballs,
although they call them reindeer balls.
- [SPUTTERS]
- Homer, this is it.
We're moving to the upper middle class.
We might be able to pay
bills on the second notice.
[GASPS]
[DOOR OPENS]
So, I was thinking we should
review aseismic measures.
What do you say?
Der I believe we should begin
with analysis via computational models.
Interesting.
You alternate between
grasping for basic English
and incredibly complex answers.
You're like an idiot that ate a genius.
Are you insulting my brains
or complimenting my appetite?
Clever. Are you using a chatbot?
Yes, but only for dirty limericks.
"There once was a nerd from Cal Tech
whose dating life was quite a wreck"
- [MUMBLING]
- [YAWNS]
[LAUGHING]
Ooh. That's dirty.
[LAUGHING]
I love this new job!
People were looking at me with, uh
- What's that word?
- Respect, lard butt.
I'm happy for you, too, Dad.
But I'm curious how you're
doing so well at this job
- when, you know
- Let's focus on the positives!
I had time for three baths today.
Well, if I can't say how I feel,
I'll just go to my
room and sing a lament.
In a room a young girl sits ♪
And sings her sad lament ♪
Cause things are not
the same it seems ♪
As in such Simpson dreams ♪
Slowly passing days at school ♪
And Dad is changing jobs ♪
Working on the nukes with Finns ♪
Is not the place for him ♪
Why do his golden rainbows end? ♪
Why is this song so sad? ♪
- Dreaming the dreams ♪
- Mmm, maybe I should go up to her.
Marge, being sad makes her happy.
Thank you both for answering my email.
It's always a pleasure to
meet nuclear colleagues.
Thanks for inviting us.
Where's Homer?
I was gonna say "hi,"
or maybe some other such greeting.
First, could you tell me,
how was Homer's performance
at his last job?
Have some whiskey.
Well he was consistent.
Lady, I'm not here
to bad-mouth Homer Simpson.
Okay. To be fair,
if they didn't want him
to sleep at work,
then they shouldn't have given
reactors that soothing hum.
Well, if you were to give him
a letter grade from A to
F! No. Z.
You know,
we're gonna need a bigger alphabet.
Oh, did we mention the dome
Homer put over the town?
Oh, that was a Tuesday.
Oh, Homer, do you happen to remember
the atomic mass of uranium?
[FRINK] That's frightfully easy.
That's 238.02891 u.
I don't know who you are,
but your cheating enabled
this donut-eating day drunk
to steal a job he can't do.
Shame. Shame!
Oh, dear God. I-I've crossed a line.
I've become a mad scientist.
I, uh I think you crossed
that line a while ago.
- [TIRES SCREECH]
- Hey, Flanders.
You said hello to me.
Why the upside-down frown?
[CHUCKLES] It's funny
the people you say hi to
when your life is perfect.
Look, Homer, I'm through.
From now on, just think for yourself.
Okay. My first thought is never!
You made me the me I was meant to be
which is you.
Now get back in my
brain where you belong.
You cannot tell me what to do.
Yes, I can.
As long as you tell me how to say it.
Come on, tell me how to say it.
[FLANDERS] I hear raised voices.
How about we raise a
glass of lemonade instead?
- Oh, shut up, Flanders!
- Oh, that's good.
I like that. Shut up, Flanders!
[KNOCK AT DOOR]
Uh, you wanted to talk to me?
Yes, I'm afraid it's, uh, quite serious.
It's about something
I noticed watching you work.
- [GULPS]
- I've noticed you're doing quite well.
I wanted to invite you
on our corporate retreat.
Skiing and science.
Can't I just do it over zoom?
Oh, you will be zooming
down a 12,000-foot slope.
Oh
[LISA] Fun is just
a word I've heard ♪
When I'm feeling sad ♪
Stories eight hard
years have taught me ♪
I cannot share with Dad ♪
[CHUCKLES] Boy,
I wouldn't want to be that dad.
Oh, for a lament, it's a real earworm.
Earworm? What are you talking about?
There's nothing in my ear.
Professor, is the ski resort
a left or a right at the exit?
Professor?
You can't abandon me now.
I very well can,
and I know that you have
to make après-ski chatter.
Not avant, après. Frink out.
[SHATTERS]
Homer, I hate to talk shop,
but we need to run an efficiency
analysis on the turbine.
Come on, come on, say something.
[BUDGIE] Pretty boy. Pretty boy.
- [WHISTLES]
- Uh
Pretty boy. Pretty boy. [WHISTLES]
[CHUCKLES] Well,
I appreciate the compliment,
but I need to talk about the turbine.
[BUDGIE] I want a cracker. [WHISTLES]
- I want a cracker.
- Here you go.
Now, can we please talk turbines?
Come on. I need your help, please.
[SPIVAK] Another job
I'm overqualified for.
Ah! How did you get in my ear?
I've hacked into your frequency.
I know your secret.
And now I'm going to be the
one living in your brain.
[SPIVAK'S MOM] Lori? Lori?
I just found your diary.
You were such a sad little girl.
Not now, Mom.
- Frink, how do I stop her?
- [SPIVAK] Still me.
Can you put the parrot back on?
[BUDGIE] I'm a budgie, idiot. [WHISTLES]
[SIGHS]
You're not getting
rid of me that easily.
What? Why not?
Hello, Marge. I'm Dr. Spivak.
The qualified person your
husband took the job from.
You'll have to be more specific.
♪
Ever ask yourself, Marge,
why does he need an earpiece?
He's not a secret agent.
He's not a backup dancer for Rihanna.
Not with that ass.
- Well, you see, I
- I'm talking to Marge.
As a woman, do you really want
a more qualified woman me
to be cheated out of
the job she deserves?
As a woman, don't you want me
to be able to take a bath
in the middle of the day?
Marge, really? My career is ruined.
Let that soak in.
Well, I-I, uh [GROANS]
In a room ♪
- A young girl sits ♪
- We women have to stick together
because if we don't,
- no one will stick up for us.
- And sings her sad lament. ♪
All right. All right!
Homer, tell the truth.
- I am a fraud.
- [ALL GASP]
I am also a fraud.
I'm not Finnish. I'm Danish.
Get out of here, you southern scum.
- I'm a fraud!
- I'm a fraud!
I'm also a fraud.
My Tinder pic is from nine years ago.
You're the worst of all.
I can't work for you another day.
- Homer, no.
- Don't try to talk me out of it
with your icy charm.
I was saying no because
you're skiing over a cliff.
Stop. Go back. I'm begging you.
Do I still have health insurance?
Canceled one minute ago.
Nobody call an ambulance!
- [GROANING]
- [THUDDING]
Not again!
- [GROANING]
- [THUDDING]
[SIGHS]
[HOMER] Ow!
How tall is this hill anyway?
[HOMER CONTINUES GRUNTING,
MUTTERING IN PAIN]
Are you coming back to work here
"hat-in-hand,"
"defiant," "begging for mercy"
Um, is there a box
for "preposterous scheme
that blew up in my face"?
Of course there is.
Did you learn a lesson or not?
I did, but I'll soon forget it.
Welcome back, Simpson.
Don't bug me, I'm on a break.
[GROANS]
Shh!