The Simpsons s35e16 Episode Script

1
♪
[GRUNTS] Come on, come on, stupid neck.
[GRUNTS] After all the food
I put down you.
[INHALES DEEPLY]
[CHOKING]
Mmm. Button.
[GAGS]
Homie! What's going on?
[CHOKING]
Knee?
HAIM?
Lick?
[GASPS] "Need Heimlich!"
Well played, Marge.
For God's sakes,
why don't you just buy
a shirt with a bigger neck?
Neck shaming, Marge. Neck shaming.
That's not a thing.
Who made you president of things?
Quit your bickering. We'll be late.
Dad, we were saving that
suit for you to be buried in.
This isn't my funeral?
Oh.
♪
Mm
Hey, hey!
It's the 35th Annual Springie Awards,
honoring our town's finest.
And here's Ms. Hoover.
Who are you wearing?
Same thing I always wear.
I can only afford one dress.
Ah, teachers.
We can never repay you for all you do.
So, we won't. [CHUCKLES]
Rainier Wolfcastle. What are you up for?
I am a presenter.
I'll be back
stage in the green room,
gobbling up the caprese panini.
♪
[ANNOUNCER] And now please welcome
your host for this evening.
He's charming, he's svelte,
he's got beer on his belt,
Duffman!
Oh, yeah! This shamelessly
self-indulgent awards show
is brought to you by Duff Lite.
Some right-wing groups
have accused our beer
of being "too woke."
Let me say the only thing
our beer stands for
is getting drunk, getting fat,
and buying more till you pass out.
God bless America!
Can I still say that?
- Oh, yeah!
- [AUDIENCE CHEERING]
So, if you have a chance,
take your family
to the fabulous new
Springfield Academy Museum.
Closed Mondays, Tuesdays,
Wednesdays and Fridays.
Admission is free,
but parking is extremely expensive.
[AUDIENCE BOOING]
And now I'm afraid we must apologize
for an earlier "In Memoriam" tribute
to the person we said was dead
but was actually alive
who now is actually dead.
It is our bad!
[MOLEMAN] But I'm alive.
Oh
And now, Springfield's Nicest Person.
Here's a surprise. Not!
The winner is Ned Flanders!
- [AUDIENCE GRUMBLES]
- [BAND PLAYS "EVERYONE LOVES NED FLANDERS"]
I really don't deserve this. I don't.
I mean, what do I do
that any good man wouldn't?
- I'm not worthy. I'm not worthy.
- [ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYS]
Thank you for playing me off.
Just what I deserve.
[DUFFMAN] Oh, yeah!
Oh, skunked again.
I can't believe Maggie lost
for "Best Silent Baby."
And now the award for Best
Sailboat Painting goes to
Sideshow Mel!
[CHEERING, APPLAUSE]
They have the same painting as us.
But yours is askew.
Askew, I say.
Will this show never end?
Enough!
And finally, the award
for our town's Most
Underappreciated Person
[EXCLAIMS QUIETLY]
who is so modest
they have no idea
their name is about to be called.
The winner is
Marge Simpson!
- Wha?!
- Way to go, Mom. - [CHEERING, APPLAUSE]
Yay, Mom!
[AUDIENCE CHANTING] Marge! Marge! Marge!
[CHEERING, WHOOPING]
Oh, just a dream.
But I can still enjoy
it one minute more.
Bart's kicking my ribs!
Lisa's ribs are poking my foot.
- [KIDS CLAMORING]
- Marge, I'm gonna sing
in the shower and I need backup.
- [ALL CLAMORING]
- All right, all right, I'm getting up.
[SIGHS]
I'll just say this.
Even when you visit me,
it's worse than when you don't visit me.
I'm sorry to say your dog
is getting along in years.
I'm afraid he's developed Dogzheimer's.
Dogzheimer's?
Oh, I've heard of that.
Not as bad as Cowheimer's, but
What were talking about again?
[BARKS]
Oh, I totally agree.
[BARKING]
I can put either of them down.
- What the
- [YELPS]
Look, Ma!
I broke both my middle fingers.
Ew, ew, ew! That is so gross
I can't even enjoy that it's you. Ugh!
Homie. I need help! Where are you?
[GRUMBLES]
-
- Hmm.
[ALL EXCLAIMING]
Nothin' gets through. Only thing
I want going in their brains is booze.
[CHUCKLES]
[ALL EXCLAIM]
Mm
[GROANS]
[GROANS] So, who won?
Me, 'cause I wasn't playing.
[PHONES RINGING]
Oh, my God. Marge has been
trying to reach me all day.
Aah! My father's in the hospital.
As a patient!
Mm
Mm?
- Marge
- Not a word.
Can you fix these? My ass hangs out.
Give 'em to me.
Where all problems end up.
[GRUMBLES]
[TV ANNOUNCER] We now
return to Trash for Cash.
This seemingly average weather
vane was originally made
in France.
Makes sense. I bought it in "Jivernay."
Yes. I'd say the value is,
at the very least, $5,000.
We'll be able to cover the
whole back 40 in insecticide.
[SIGHS] When will I get my insecticide?
My late husband owned these pants.
He was a rather large man.
Don't much miss him.
The key to the value of these jeans
is that both E's
in "Leevi's" are capitalized.
Ooh!
Also very good for you,
these pants have hidden rivets.
Hm!
Which were used before 1967
when open rivets were considered vulgar.
[GASPS]
Does it matter that these
were frequently worn?
Including, sometimes, in bed?
Ugh. I never visit his grave.
Actually, with jeans,
a highly distressed seat
can increase the value.
I'd say the minimum possible value
for these pants is
- Oh
- Uh-huh? Uh-huh?
$2,600.
[GASPS]
Having a husband finally paid off.
♪
Uh, Homer?
I couldn't fix your pants.
You'll have to wear something else.
Can I wear my Speedo to work?
I'm afraid not, but we'll be fine.
- Mm.
- Aw. I make her happy.
Oh, you got a loose hair. Fixed it.
[TO THE TUNE OF ELTON JOHN'S "LEVON"]
Leevi's, Leevi's ♪
Make me money ♪
They're worth a lot, they say ♪
And I shall wear sweatpants ♪
And I shall stretch
the waistband ♪
[WHOOPS] And I shall
wear sweatpants ♪
Covering my gorgeous
can [WHOOPS] ♪
[VOCALIZING]
Mornin', Jerry. [WHOOPS]
And they shall be Leevi's ♪
And I shall wear sweatpants ♪
And they shall be Leevi's ♪
Sweatpants for the husky man ♪
Oh, oh ♪
They shall be ♪
- Leevi's. ♪
- Sweatpants. ♪
[SNORING]
Mm
[ENTRY BELL RINGS]
- Yes, may I help you?
- Comic Book Guy?
No. I am his cousin,
Collectible Pants Dude
or CPD, whatever.
I see. Well, I, uh, may be interested
in selling this vintage item.
Huh, I say. I will give you, eh
twenty dollars.
Not so fast, bub.
I happen to know these are 501-XX
big double-E jeans with hidden rivets.
Zoinks! I see you know pants.
In that case, my offer is
twenty-two dollars.
I saw a pair on eBay for $3,000.
Oh [STAMMERS] Uh
Fine! You have me, madam.
Because I must have them.
I've never seen such a
perfectly distressed rear.
I mean, these pants
have experienced thousands
I say thousands
of pounds of butt pressure.
Yes, he's got a big keister.
Are we gonna deal or what?
Sorry. Collectible clothes
are my one addiction.
Also cannabis gummies and
the films of Kenneth Anger.
But I digress.
My offer is $2,595.
Okay?
- Hm
- I see you hesitate.
Well, let me zip up this deal
and button its fly, okay?
♪
Um, let me think just a little bit more.
You've already put
the money in your bag.
Oh. So I have. Mm.
Deal.
- Mm!
- Oh, my God.
There are so many things I could do
for my family's future with this money.
Mom, the money you gave me
paid for a week of college.
Next.
You used the money for a neck tattoo?
Not just the neck.
[GRUMBLES] Next.
[GRUMBLES]
Oppenheimer. Oppenheimer!
I am so sick of hearing about that jerk.
"Wah, I built a bomb then I
was sad when they dropped it."
Boo-hoo. Aren't you sick
of Oppenheimer, Smithers?
Actually, sir, I preferred
another movie last summer.
Another movie? Besides Oppenheimer?
- That's right.
- There was a second movie
people were seeing?
Yes, there was. A global phenomenon.
Really? Global, you say?
And it finally gave me the courage
to do this.
Mm, well, you seem
to be bleeding from the head.
- It's dye.
- Die on your own time.
Now, regarding Oppenheimer, follow me.
Have you fellows heard of
"Tickling the Dragon's Tail"?
Sounds like a DreamWorks film.
Well, it's not.
We carefully add small amounts
of fissionable uranium,
stopping just before critical mass.
We can create the most
profitable atomic pile of all.
Oppenheimer tried it at
Los Alamos but he failed.
Idiot!
That showboat slides his boney self
into every picture.
Should have called
him Photo-Oppenheimer.
My biopic will be longer,
its star skinnier,
and global annihilation
will not be hinted at,
but rather the heartwarming climax.
- Excellent.
- [GEIGER COUNTER CLICKING]
Of, uh, course, sir,
if you exceed the critical mass,
it, uh, would lead to an
uncontrolled nuclear explo
[BOTH GASP]
The plant's gonna blow!
Alarmist.
♪
[MAN] My suit's too bulky!
[VOCALIZING QUIETLY]
Did you see that, Smithers?
That sweat-panted
Superman rescued us all.
Well, I just put my sweatpants on
one leg at a time like any fat guy.
Well, you saved my life.
So I'm giving you two tickets,
front row seats, to a baseball game.
Debt paid. Never talk to me again.
Hmm.
I thought I'd enjoy this money,
but I'm not happy. [GROANS]
[BARNEY] I sure don't envy you, lady.
When life gives you lemons,
make lemonade.
Add vodka, and meet me down here.
- Oh.
- Mm
Reverend, what does our faith say
about spending money on
something just for yourself?
Well, I sure don't know.
But for 20 bucks
I'll wipe the communion cup
before you drink from it.
Eh?
[GRUMBLES]
Oh
Homer, after a lot of soul searching,
there's something I've got to tell you.
- [CROWD CHEERING]
- [ORGAN PLAYING]
Are you at a baseball game?
I am. It's so great.
We got to meet the players,
play "Chopsticks" on the organ,
and they hit a foul ball
to you on purpose.
[ORGAN PLAYING "CHOPSTICKS"]
Are you there alone?
Well, I asked Lenny, but he was busy.
Carl was out sick.
Smitty was taking or teaching
a Pilates class, I forget which.
So I finally asked that
new guy from Ghana.
I have so many questions
about your baseball.
First, why?
Homer, how come you didn't ask me?
Uh, well, you don't like baseball.
Maybe, but more importantly,
I like being asked.
Oh, my God, oh, my God, uh,
can I get you a jersey?
Uh, what's your size again?
Medium! It's always been medium.
Um, that's something
I should have known, right?
Buster, you should know whether
or not you should've known it.
But thanks for clearing
things up for me.
You're welcome. Do I get another kiss?
Oh, you'll get a kiss, all right.
You're gonna get a big kiss.
You just wait for that kiss.
If you come here,
we can get it on the kiss cam.
- [HANGS UP]
- [DIAL TONE]
Dial tone? Hello?
Marge? Marge?
Hello? Dial tone?
Now I have to kiss him?
Well, if it's all part of baseball.
Mwah.
[GRUMBLES]
I want the biggest ring I can buy!
Ooh! That's a coincidence.
I want you to have the
biggest ring I can sell.
Yes!
Now, the current rule of thumb
is a truly meaningful ring
should cost three months' salary.
If I don't have a salary, is it free?
No.
Nice try.
Now, if for some reason
I want to return this?
Ooh, no problem.
You have a full three
seconds to change your mind.
Starting now.
Time's up.
Oh
[MARGE] Oh, my God.
I didn't know I'd feel
so guilty walking around
wearing something so expensive.
Calm down, Marge, calm down.
Nobody cares.
Marge, I was a couple blocks away
and I couldn't help noticing you wearing
something your husband
couldn't possibly afford.
Tattletale!
[SCOFFS] Casual Christian.
Remember, sale's final.
[GRUMBLES]
Okay, okay. Can't return it.
Might as well enjoy it.
♪
[GASPS] A guilt rash!
The last time I got one
of these was when I took
that bottle of shampoo from the hotel.
It wasn't opened.
They could have reused it.
[SIGHS] I'll just leave it there.
No, no, no. Someone will find it.
Mm
So this is what having
a secret feels like.
It's terrible.
Why does everybody do it?
Maybe I could hide it in here.
D'oh! How many places
does Homer hide cookies?
D'oh!
Whoa!
Oh
Ah, no one can find it now.
[LISA] Who are you talking to, Mom?
Aah! What are you doing here?
Oh, I like to look
at my old report cards.
One teacher
if you could believe it
gave me an A-plus-plus.
They're not allowed to do that anymore.
It makes the other kids feel bad.
And that's why we're losing to China.
- Yo.
- Aah!
What are you doing in the attic?
Well, one thing I'm definitely not doing
is hiding from the cops.
Eh, we'll never find him.
Let's go, boys.
-
- No respect for the law.
Let's get some donuts.
Get to bed, now!
- [SUCKING SOUND]
- Now what?
You're not judging me.
With you, I can enjoy it.
Don't swallow it.
- [SIGHS]
- What's the matter, Homer?
I'm starting to think I don't
appreciate Marge enough.
She does everything for me
and I just take her for granted.
Let me tell you something,
Homer, you are so lucky
that she doesn't leave you
for the next tall, dark
and handsome guy that comes along.
Oh, Moe, I love
the way you introduced me to this guy.
Woo-hoo!
Homer, I think your problem is
[TUNE OF "YOU'RE A MEAN ONE,
MR. GRINCH" PLAYING]
She's a mad wife ♪
Homer J ♪
With tears behind her smile ♪
Uh, happy tears?
You treat her like she's nothing ♪
Unless your gut
needs stuffing ♪
- What the
- [YELPS]
As a husband, I would rate you ♪
Beneath Henry VIII you ♪
Really are a selfish guy ♪
You really are,
all things considered ♪
A nearly spherical,
full of beer-icle ♪
Incredibly selfish guy. ♪
Haw-haw!
Before you, I rode through dog poop!
[SIGHS]
I'll just have to live
with my selfishness.
Oh.
What is this?
A fancy ring?!
That Marge bought for herself?!
She's been holding back
on us this whole time.
Oh, my God, the things she does.
The things she does.
The things she does.
Aw.
The things she does.
All the wonderful things she does.
Putting those sweet notes
in my lunch every day.
Getting everyone a birthday present
and saying they're from both of us.
Even in her sleep,
she's perfect.
With all the wonderful,
beautiful things Marge does,
there's only one thing
I can do with this ring.
Homie, you're back. You
You put this on me?
Baby, I just wish I'd bought it for you.
Ah, finally, no guilt.
[BROCKMAN] Breaking news.
Amnesty International has identified
the Spiffany Blue diamond as
the most unethically mined gem
in human history.
It takes six blue whales
to color each carat.
Wearing this is a sparkly expression
that you love misery.
Well, I'll just wear
the ring inside for a little.
[SINGER] Homer's Leevi's size ♪
Is Husky ♪
But he's still too fat, they say ♪
[HOMER] Hey!
[SINGER] That's because ♪
He's a fat man ♪
[HOMER] They're making
pants too small these days ♪
- New pants are too small. ♪
- [SINGER] You are a fat man. ♪
[BOTH WHOOP]
Shh!