The Simpsons s35e17 Episode Script

1
[MARGE] Hustle your bustle,
kids, we got to go!
[MUNCHING ANGRILY]
Our day is packed with doctor visits.
So wrap up your angry food
shoveling and get in the car.
Oh, this is gonna be a long day.
- Oh, I hope so.
- Huh?
Don't you get it? This is a setup.
Mom and Dad told us we're
gonna have the worst day ever,
which means we're really going
to have the best day ever.
- Wha?
- You and I are about to be
the stars of a "Mom-and-Dad
- in-car bait-and-switch" video.
- Guh?
[GROANS] Put down your books
and read a phone sometime.
[MOTHER] You ready to go
get your new braces?
Guess so.
[MOTHER] Well, we're not doing that.
We're taking you to Krustyland!
Yay!
We're not sprinkling
Grandma's ashes today.
We're going to Krustyland!
[BOTH] Yay!
We're not going to Krustyland.
We're going to church.
[BOTH] Yay!
So Mom and Dad are punking us,
and this is really gonna be a fun thing?
Exactly, we are getting funk'd.
[CAR HORN HONKS]
[BOTH] Krustyland.
We're almost at "the medical center."
I hope I'm tall enough
to ride the EKG machine.
[BOTH LAUGH]
[HOMER] We're here.
[LAUGHTER]
[LISA SCREAMS]
Wha?
This is a doctor's office.
There was no bait and switch.
It was all bait!
No, no. This is Krustyland.
It has to be.
I'm going on the roller coaster.
Whee!
Whee ze.
Which doctor are you here to see?
- All of them.
- Like most Americans,
our insurance is terrible
and has a giant deductible.
Which we just met yesterday.
Thank you, kidney stones.
[GROANS]
And our new insurance
year starts tomorrow.
So today is the only day
that everything's free.
So we're doing a whole year
of medical stuff in one day.
Look, I went
to the Krustyland snack bar!
I got 20cc's of super silly saline.
[GIGGLING] Hey-hey!
It's not about the money,
money, money ♪
We don't need your money,
money, money ♪
We just want to
make the world dance ♪
Forget about the price tag ♪
Ain't about the, uh,
cha-ching, cha-ching ♪
Ain't about the, yeah,
ba-bling, ba-bling ♪
Want to make the world dance ♪
Forget about the price tag ♪
It's not about the money,
money, money ♪
We don't need your money,
money, money ♪
We just want to make
the world dance ♪
What a productive, unpleasant day.
We've got to get one nice
thing out of this day.
At least take us out for treats.
Treats it is.
We'll even get one for Maggie
for getting her eye test.
Yeah! ♪
One Mandalorian Mango
Jango with 3-CP-Oat milk.
That's $6.99.
[BEEPS]
Enter your tip and sign here.
[WHIMPERING]
Oh, fine.
[MUTTERING]
You want a tip?
It's self-serve. We did all the work.
Hey, that iPad didn't swivel itself.
[GROANS]
[BEEPING]
- [BEEPING CONTINUES]
- [GROANS]
[GROANS]
- [GROANS]
- [BEEPING CONTINUES]
[PANTING]
Dad, are you all right?
Oh, I just suffered death
by a thousand swipes,
but at least now it's time for my treat.
Here's your Literary Sampler Platter.
Chicken Tenders is the Night,
A Farewell to Parms,
Occurrence at Owl Creek Ribs.
Mmm fried references.
My shift's ending,
so I'll just leave this with you.
[GROANS]
Better get my
"figuring out the tip" glasses.
Wouldn't be a meal if it
didn't end with a math test.
The service fee is already included?
I'm outraged!
But also relieved.
At least nobody's
leaning over my shoulder
to shame me into leaving a tip.
Actually, there is room at the bottom
for an additional gratuity.
Right next to where I pre-thanked you.
What? They include the tip,
and then I have to tip
on top of the tip?
A tip top tip?
Mm. I'll show them.
- [CLICKS]
- I know that click.
"No. Thank you.
Here's one dollar. Okay?"
We're leaving!
Mr. Simpson! Mr. Simpson, wait!
Oh, great.
Here's the part where she says,
"Was there something
wrong with the service?"
And I throw potato skins at her.
Oh, thank you so much,
you wonderful man!
[MARGE GASPS]
You tipped her $10,000?
No! I tipped her one. "O.K."
Ten K! Ah! [LAUGHS]
I've never had this
much money in my life!
Us neither.
Yo, this guy just tipped Sandee $10,000.
You don't know what this means to me.
[CRIES]
We don't have $10,000.
We don't have 10,000 of anything.
Homer, you have to fix this.
Okay, you're right. I got this.
Excuse me, can I get that check back?
Why?
[CRIES] Why?!
- [JEERING]
- What a jerk!
Yo, this guy just stole
$10,000 from Sandee.
- Get him.
- [GRUNTS]
[GRUNTING]
There was already a
gratuity on the bill.
[GRUNTING]
Why? Why did you want the check back?
So I can underline the $10,000.
[CHEERING]
Yo, this guy just underlined
the $10,000-tip
he gave Sandee, get him!
[CHEERING, WHOOPING]
[GROANS]
- [CHEERING]
- Your accidental tip went viral.
The American dream.
Now we'll be in debt
for the rest of our lives!
The American reality.
Look, baby,
no one's madder at me than me,
but me have a plan.
We call the credit card company,
report the card stolen,
and then shave our
heads and join a cult.
One of the ones where you don't have to
have sex with the leader.
There is no such cult!
You need to go back to that restaurant
and explain that this was all a mistake.
I will.
I was gonna go back there anyway
for the bottomless chili fries,
but now I have two reasons.
Okay, time to hit undo
on last night's ten-K typo.
Hey, that's the big tip guy.
Ooh! Can I get an autograph?
Oh, signing things is what
got me into this mess.
Hey! You're the guy on the cover
of the only newspaper left in the world.
[HOMER] I'm in the paper for
something I remember doing.
- Let me get a copy.
- That'll be one dollar.
How much do you think he's gonna tip?
A lot or a whole lot?
Yarr. I'm putting on me slicker,
'cause he's gonna splash the cash.
Keep the change, pal.
[CHEERING]
The most generous man in town.
Until today, I always felt invisible,
like Wonder Woman's plane
or the guy selling
flowers on the off-ramp.
But for the first time, I am seen.
It's not that I wasn't enough,
my tips weren't.
Mr. Monopoly was wrong.
You can put a price on money.
From now on,
I'm gonna tip like Ben Affleck
and J.Lo's out of town, baby.
[CHEERING, WHOOPING]
[QUINCY JONES'
"SOUL BOSSA NOVA" PLAYING]
♪
♪
[MUSIC STOPS]
- [SNAPS]
- [MUSIC RESUMES]
[HUMMING "SOUL BOSSA NOVA"]
Marge, I just had
the best day of my life.
They gave my burrito
the most rice of anybody.
So that's why I've been
bombarded by overdraft alerts.
Don't worry, honey,
I can make it all right.
Let me show you how to turn
off those notifications.
Homer, we need to have a serious talk.
Oh, boy, then I'm gonna need
some Mexican courage.
[SLURPS, GULPS]
[SIGHS] You were supposed
to get our money back,
not give away more.
Your tipping has gotten out of control.
But it feels so good to be appreciated.
For once, people aren't judging me
by the content of my character
but by the content of my wallet.
You wiped out our savings
and put us in debt.
And look what it's
doing to our children.
Dad, where's my bike?
How would I know? I don't know.
You probably lost it.
Dad
I tipped it!
I gave it to my barber
because he cleaned up my eyebrows.
[CRYING] I'm so sorry, Bart!
I'm so sorry.
Oh, there, there.
Dad, you have a problem,
but I love you and I'll
always be here for you.
You're a good son.
Here, for your troubles.
- Hey!
- Let this slide
and there's a vacuum
cleaner in it for you.
Homer, this has to stop now!
- Stop it!
- Marge, for once you're right.
I have a serious problem.
But, like any addiction,
it can easily be stopped
by just deciding to stop.
I'm going cold turkey. I swear to you.
I'll never again waste money
trying to fill an unfillable void.
Exact change? Huh. That's it?
Oh, I really want to tip you, Moe,
but I promised my wife I'd quit.
Here's a thought, Homer.
Uh, what if you took the
moolah out of your pocket,
but you just stop before
anything happened.
You know, uh, everything but the tip.
That doesn't seem like it
could lead to anything.
Sure it couldn't.
We shouldn't have done that.
Does that mean that you want to stop?
No.
[MOANING]
It feels so good.
Don't stop, you generous man.
Oh, yeah, give it to me, big boy.
- You like that?
- Oh, that's the spot.
- I can do this all night.
- Right there.
- Tell me you want it.
- Oh, God!
- Yes! Yes!
- Oh, God! Oh, God!
- Oh, God! Oh, God.
- Yes!
I need a new bar.
[GRUNTS] Where you going?
I can't stop tipping, Moe.
I'm hooked on the rush.
I got a monkey on my back,
and he's got his hand out.
But what about us?
No one service worker
can satisfy my needs.
God help me, I'm a tip-phomaniac.
[SLOWER VERSION OF
"SOUL BOSSA NOVA" PLAYING]
[GROANING]
♪
-
- ♪
[CRYING]
I'm a curse on my family.
They're 20%
no, 22%
better off without me.
I'll take my misery to go.
Hey, it's Mr. Generous.
What are you doing here?
I've hit rock bottom
and I need to be with family.
Well, who were those people
you were eating with?
Just my wife and some kids.
My real family are the people I tip,
like you.
You love me, right?
Oh, you poor generous man.
I do love you.
You'll always be welcome here.
[MOANS]
You love me, right?
- Creep!
- [SHOUTING]
Leave me alone!
So our transaction was just
transactional?
[COUGHING]
Am I alive? Is this a dream?
Somebody pinch me.
Ow!
I'm awake, you can stop now.
You saved my life.
Here's a little something
for your troubles.
Why you give me this money?
Fausto no work for crab man.
No, it's a tip.
It's all I know.
And it's destroyed my
marriage and my life.
How I wish I had never
heard of thanking people.
Well, your bloated body
drifted to the right neighborhood,
my friend.
Nobody tips here.
It's forbidden.
No tipping?
What is this amazing place?
Welcome to Little Europe.
♪
I'm home.
Yi yo yu.
There's no sign of Homer anywhere.
Okay, the first 24 hours are crucial.
Do you have a recent photo?
Not him. You.
For your dating profile.
- [CAMERA CLICKS]
- This is good.
You look desperate.
Guys love that.
I don't want to date.
I want to find my husband.
"Marriage minded."
Don't mention the kids.
Bring them up on date three. [CHUCKLES]
Just before the sex.
Oh, my God.
We only have two
and a half dates to find Dad.
At least we know he's alive.
He's ordering things on Amazon.
A universal power adapter.
Bicycle pants clips.
12-pack of fanny packs?
Case of cologne, but no soap.
I know exactly where he is.
[HUMMING]
Dad?
Hola, mes petite
how you say? children.
Give your papi a European handshake.
[SMOOCHING]
What are you doing in Little Europe?
I'm going to five different shops
to get the ingredients
to make one sandwich.
One smear of your brownest mustard,
Jorge.
That'll be three
deutsche-lira and 99 pence.
And not a franc more.
Mom's a total mess.
You've got to come home.
This is my home now.
I can live a happy life here,
free from the demon of generosity.
So this is all about tipping?
No, it's about the European mindset
of not tipping.
♪
-
- Let's look, can't you see? ♪
-
- That's money ♪
-
- That's Bart ♪
-
- That's fair ♪
Dad, this place is amazing.
I know.
If only Springfield was like this,
then I could go back to your mom
without my addiction
destroying the family.
Dad, if you came back with us,
you could change things.
You could inspire everyone
to make Springfield like here.
You really think Americans
can learn something
from the country of Europe?
Not just learn it,
but steal it and call it our own.
Like pizza or fascism.
I'll do it to heal our family.
Let's grab an early
dinner at 10:00 p.m.,
then ride the mini-Chunnel
back to Springfield.
I'm going to take my
message to the people
who tipping affects the most.
[ANNOUNCER] Live from the
Servers Of America Guild Theater.
It's the 75th Annual SAG Awards.
[CHEERING]
Hello, my name is Gary,
and I'll be your presenter this evening.
- [GRUNTS]
- Friends,
waiters, pepper-grinders,
lend me your ears.
My name is Homer Simpson
and I am addicted to tipping.
It was a compulsion so powerful
that I ran away from the woman I love.
Well, I'm here to tell you
there's a better way.
What if all restaurant workers
were paid a living wage?
That way you wouldn't
have to rely on tips,
and diners would know
how much everything costs.
Get rid of tips and live a better life.
Who's with me?
[CHEERING]
My fellow wait-staff, this man is right.
We can, we shall, we must,
serve justice
with a side of equanimity.
No substitutions.
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
♪
Get rid of tips and live a better life.
Who's with me?
[BOOING]
Get rid of tips?
Well, that's how I decide
whose food not to spit in.
This is the worst idea in our industry
since tableside guacamole.
Yo! The guy who tipped Sandee $10,000
is trying to take away our tips.
Get him!
[HOMER GRUNTING]
This time it's happening for real!
[GRUNTING]
I can't believe I didn't
fundamentally change
the service economy with
one awards show speech.
Oh, Homie, I know it's hard for you
to be generous, but you tried.
And I'm not going to hold it against you
for taking it too far.
Seeing you bare your soul
on that stage tonight,
it gave me an idea for how we can fix
our money problems and confront
your addiction to tipping.
Hello, my name is Homer.
And I'll be your server tonight.
Would you like still or sparkling water?
Just tap.
And more free bread.
[GROANS] Oh
Little E.U., Little E.U. ♪
Little E.U. is the place
to be in the party now ♪
Flat price ♪
I'm sane, so sane ♪
Sir, can't you see? ♪
Let's look, can't you see? ♪
Our health care is free ♪
And they pay us enough ♪
That's money! ♪
To just hand you your stuff ♪
That stuff ♪
Lots of stuff ♪
Don't give us more math to do,
math to do ♪
Let's go! ♪
The printed price
is all that's due ♪
That's fair! ♪
When you're in Little E.U. ♪
That's the place, E.U., baby! ♪
Shh!