The Simpsons s36e00 Episode Script

1
The Simpsons ♪
[WIND HOWLING]
[NARRATOR] Christmas. It's said to be
the most wonderful time of the year.
But in the city sidewalks
of Springfield
- [NELSON GRUNTS]
- one doesn't see smile after smile.
In the air, there's no feeling
of the Christmas spirit,
just the chunky inhale of
tire fire and doughnut oil.
Which makes it the perfect town
to conduct an experiment.
I'm mentalist and psychological
illusionist, Derren Brown.
In this special,
I shall use a mixture of hypnosis,
social compliance, British accent,
and psychology in an attempt to change
the holiday temperament of an entire town.
This is A Derren Brown Christmas.
- [VOICE SCREAMS]
- [EERIE CHRISTMAS MUSIC PLAYING]
[VOICE CACKLES]
-
- [MUSIC FADES]
[BROWN] Springfield used
to be festive at Christmas,
but climate catastrophes, various
fascisms, and self-financed JLo movies
have left the town
grumpy and Scrooge-like.
[GRUNTS]
- But I'm about to change all that.
- [GRUNTING]
I arrived with my improbably large team
of accomplices posing as a film crew.
Mayor Quimby. Uh, Hark Media.
We're doing a documentary on the
award Springfield's just won.
- Award? [STAMMERS]
- You know, the
Springfield being named the
"Christmasiest" Town in America,
winning the holiday
makeover of Town Square.
Oh, that award. Uh, yes.
[STAMMERS] We are thrilled
and honored to be
[BROWN] The award the Mayor is
so thrilled about doesn't exist.
We made it up.
Forcing Quimby to awkwardly pretend
he knows what we're talking about.
This rattles him,
making him easier to manipulate.
Also, he was nervous about other things.
Hey, Joe.
I, uh, just need to bestow upon this
constituent the Key to the City.
No. I need the key to the lake house.
[QUIMBY GRUNTING]
And don't block the Andersons' driveway.
You, uh, were saying?
We just wanted to make sure
you're okay with us filming
and placing hidden cameras
virtually everywhere.
You know,
for the documentary about the award
- you totally knew about?
- Yes, yes.
Springfield is an open book.
[BROWN] We were in.
The prize of a holiday makeover
was all part of our plan
to subliminally make the
town feel more cheery.
The response wasn't
immediately positive.
[SCOFFS] They put Christmas
decorations up earlier and earlier.
It's mid-December.
[GROANS] Still a good joke.
It's not a joke,
it's just a thing everyone says.
- 'Cause it's hilarious.
- [FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]
Hey, Homer. Earlier and earlier, huh?
[LAUGHS]
- How did you even
- Ah, I always have one loaded.
D-Dental implant special. Two front teeth
for Christmas. [CHUCKLES] You know
[BROWN] Meet Gil Gunderson. Gil has
a dead-end job which he is bad at.
Gil is trying to summon the courage
to call his estranged family before
Christmas, but he's running out of time.
What Gil needs is a boost of confidence.
A chance to be a hero.
Cue runaway baby carriage.
Help! My baby carriage is
slipping out of my hand!
[WHIMPERS] My family
doesn't wanna hear from me.
[GRUNTS]
- Are you okay?
- I'm fine, but what about your
[STAMMERS] Hey, he's okay.
Yes. You saved him.
- You're a hero.
- [BABBLES]
I am?
[BROWN] And just like that,
Gil felt brave, strong, a man of action.
[STAMMERS] Would you excuse me?
Bonnie, it's Gill.
It is? It's good
to hear your voice too, honey.
Right. No, honey. I, uh [GASPS]
I would love to spend Christmas
with you and the kids.
Sure I can pick up a tree.
[CHUCKLES] Actually, I already have one.
- Not your stupid costume!
- No, no. That's not what I was
I'll-I'll go to the tree lot.
Christmas with the fam.
[SCATS]
For Gil, being a colossal failure was
the story he'd been telling himself.
And each of us tells ourselves stories.
Stories about who we are.
Disco Stu is into free
verse poetry also.
- [BROWN] Stories that limit who we can be.
- [GRUNTING]
I don't have an anger problem.
Anger helps me punch.
[BROWN] Some stories are complicated.
Back then, hockey was played on sand
and the puck was a lightly broiled clam.
[BROWN] The story Homer
Simpson keeps telling himself
is that he is bad at choosing gifts.
Which is why he lets his wife, Marge,
do all the Christmas shopping.
Well, that was a bust.
Apparently,
the Gap is just for tramps now.
I'll watch the bags while you shop.
Oh, but I suck at presents.
I can't do all the shopping.
You have to buy a present for me.
Do you like any of this stuff?
I have enough cuff links.
Told ya I suck.
[BROWN] We followed Homer and soon
learned that he did, in fact, suck.
He started with a reasonable choice:
a journal.
Then the second guessing began.
Aw, what if Marge doesn't
have innermost thoughts?
Lingerie? No, too sexual.
Book of sudokus? Not sexual enough.
Bowling ball? Aw, we already did that.
[BROWN] What concerned me was how
savagely Homer berated himself.
Oh, I'm the worst. I make people sad.
I should die
and they should donate my body
to a crappy medical school
where they study my brain for
why I suck at buying gifts.
[BROWN] I decided to enlist
Marge as an accomplice.
And by using psychological tricks,
we can manipulate the town
into believing that they're
feeling more Christmas-y.
Ooh. Playing with people's minds?
That seems kind of irresponsible.
- It's for a TV show.
- Oh, then it's fine.
So our Christmas plan for Homer is
to make him a better gift giver.
Homer's bad at choosing gifts
because he tells himself that
he's bad at choosing gifts.
I think Homer's just
bad at choosing gifts.
He once gave Bart a CPR dummy.
Bart hated it. He refused to revive it.
If you sign this form,
allowing me to hypnotize your husband,
you'll be surprised by how thoughtful
his gift-giving will become.
Hmm. Okay.
I feel a little weird signing for Homer.
- You don't feel that way at all.
- I don't feel that way at all.
[BROWN] Not my proudest moment,
I'll admit.
But I truly believed
we could help Homer.
So, in typical Derren Brown fashion,
we introduced ourselves.
Ooh, they "Christmas-imafied"
my favorite cupcake.
Hey, what's the deal? [GRUNTING]
[MACHINE CHORTLING]
Oh, you think that's funny, huh?
[GRUNTS]
You don't eat me, I eat you!
[WHIMPERING]
Hmm? [EXCLAIMS]
- [ELECTRIC BUZZING]
- [GROANS]
[WHIMPERS] Who are you?
And where's my cupcake?
Homer, you're perfectly safe
and your cupcake is right here.
- And sleep. There we go.
- [SNORES]
Right the way down. Right the way deep.
Then we'll come and sit over here
I've hypnotized thousands of subjects,
but Homer was different.
Now then, Homer,
open your eyes and look at me.
Homer, look at me. Homer, look at me.
Even in a trance state,
Homer refused to look at
anything other than his cupcake.
I resorted to an unorthodox way
of getting him to focus on me.
Okay. Right. Fine, here.
Homer, I'm going to help you become
the person you actually already are.
Someone who is great at giving gifts.
Is that who I really am?
Absolutely.
You are a natural gift giver.
You observe people. You pay attention.
- And you see what
- I see them when they're sleeping.
Well, more so when they're awake,
but you know that
I know when they're awake.
Uh, sure. But more importantly,
you no longer dread the holidays
because you know that
I am Santa.
No, no, no, no, no.
Homer, you're not Santa.
You are just a regular
person who gives nice gifts.
Oh, right. Just a regular guy.
Wait, wait. Why did you wink knowingly?
Did I?
Okay, I'm stopping this.
And wake. Homer?
Yes, "Homer."
Uh-huh. [CHUCKLES]
- He's still winking.
- Is he stuck?
You can't get stuck in hypnosis.
- Look, all the hypnosis books say
- What is he eating?
How did you [GASPS]
I'm a spritely little elf.
Homer, you are not Santa.
I need you to say you understand that.
Well, if that's what you need.
I understand that!
[LAUGHS]
Happy Christmas to all,
and to all a good night!
The n-nose thingy concerns me.
[BROWN] We were right to be
concerned about the nose thingy
because the very next morning
Forget it, Simpson, I'm not issuing
you a new company ID for Santa.
Good idea. Can't let the muggles
know who I am. [CHUCKLES]
Oh, and this is for you.
- A thimble?
- Smithers,
you said this bagel would
have everything on it,
but it's missing so many things.
Talc. Neon. Laughter.
- [GASPS] Is that for me?
- Uh, sure.
When I was a child,
this was my favorite toy.
- [BROWN] And what happened then?
- [SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY]
Well, in Springfield they say
that Burns's small heart
grew three sizes that day.
Emergency cardiac reduction, stat!
Thank you, Smithers. Merry Christmas.
[BROWN] Smithers was
the first to believe.
- The children believed immediately.
- [GIGGLING]
Everywhere Homer went, they
inundated him with present requests.
One special little boy decided
to join Homer in his delusion.
My head-talk "tolded" me I'm your elf.
My tummy-talk "tolded" me
you need to get your boss more fries.
And soon everyone believed.
Santa!
Homer's delusion was so complete,
he started to change physically.
I used to spend every Christmas with
the old, you know, head in the oven.
But now,
now I got the actual Santy Claus
drinking my beer and
peeing in my bathroom.
It's a Christmas miracle over here.
Homer even appeared on the local news.
Oh, I've always been Santa-like.
My stomach has an innate "jelly-ness."
Well, do you have magical powers?
- A few. I
- If you pull his finger, his pants cough.
Yes. That and I'm
supremely lactose tolerant.
I can drink gallons of milk.
And I can eat any kind of cookie, but my
favorite are chocolate chip with N&N's.
You heard it here first, kids.
[BROWN] Christmas spirit
was at an all-time high.
But, as is human nature,
the stanning of Santa
began to get weird.
The star of Bethlehem is the mother ship
which will leave the naughty and
take the nice to the North Pole,
where we will become immortal
like Rudolph the Red.
Blessed be his nose.
[BROWN] And not all Springfielders
were happy about the Santa worship.
Frankly, I've never liked
this emphasis on Santa.
I mean, an imaginary being who
decides who's good and who's bad?
When did people get so
"gul-diddly-ulible"?
And, of course, Marge was not happy.
I mean, it's great that Homer
is so sweet and considerate.
But it's like he belongs
to the world now.
Everywhere we go,
little kids sit on his lap.
It makes Maggie so jealous.
What about you, Bart? How do you
feel about your dad being Santa?
- It must be thrilling.
- It's something.
[BROWN] It was indeed something.
By trying to raise the
Christmas spirit in Springfield,
I'd inadvertently created
a kind of Santa cult.
It was time to come clean.
The Christmas Jubilee was
the perfect opportunity.
- [AUDIENCE CHEERING]
- Hello. I'm Derren Brown.
Um, many of you know me as the dashing
chap who's been interviewing you
for a documentary about Springfield.
- [APPLAUSE]
- [CHEERING]
I have a confession.
I'm actually a hypnotist/magician.
Really well-known in the UK.
Um, sort of the Beyoncé of
British mentalists, apparently.
I've never heard of you,
and I have a subscription to BritBox.
Charming story.
We came here with a plan to make you feel
more Christmas spirit than you actual had.
But you know what?
We found that the joy of the season
has been here the whole
time with you guys.
[CHEERING]
Yeah, that's 'cause of Santy over there.
Yeah, that's the thing.
Homer is not Santa.
- What? No!
- No.
He thought he was,
as a side-effect of being hypnotized.
Which is not a thing that
happens with hypnotism usually.
Maybe there's a delightful part
of Homer that longed to be Santa.
- But Marge needs her Homie back.
- [AUDIENCE] Aw.
And you probably all want your
friend Homer back too, am I right?
Not really.
Well, too bad.
I'm bringing him back anyway.
Homer, join me on stage.
Anything for you, cupcake face.
Up you come.
Nice to see you And sleep.
- [SNORING]
- Right the way down. There we go.
That's good. Now, Homer, look at me.
When I snap my fingers, you are
going to remember you are not Santa,
you are Homer Simpson. Loving husband,
father, and nuclear something or other.
Here we go. One. Two. Three. Wake.
[INHALES DEEPLY, GASPS]
Do you still believe you're Santa?
What? No.
Homer's back, everyone!
[GROANS]
[MARGE GRUNTS]
Now un-hypnotize us.
I didn't hypnotize any of you.
Oh, come on.
You made us go nuts for Santy Claus.
- No, you went nuts
- [AUDIENCE CLAMORS]
because of the same tricks that make
people fall for cults all the time.
You have a charismatic leader
He's just a character from an old book.
Everywhere you go,
you hear songs praising Santa.
I know I've gotten swept away by a hymn.
[CHUCKLES]
[BROWN] When everyone around
you believes something,
even something preposterous,
like a magic man flying
through the sky on a sleigh,
- you go along with it.
- [NED] That's right.
There's no magic man in the sky.
You don't ask yourself the
questions you're afraid to ask.
Like, what if you're
in the wrong relationship?
What if the things you
value most are an illusion?
- What if there is no God?
- Ned.
What if there is no God?
Sweet Jesus on a Triscuit.
There'd be no heaven.
There'd be no soul.
Oh, my God. I mean, oh, my nothing!
Okay. Stop it, stop it right there.
Yes, I don't know,
the whole "there's no God" bit,
it's not very Christmas-y, is it?
Let's cut it and we'll end on me saying,
"Homer's back," with some upbeat music.
How about, "Santa Baby"?
No, something public domain.
Like, "Greensleeves" or "Row,
Row, Row Your Boat."
Got it. Lunch?
You read my mind. Not really.
Obviously, you didn't.
- You know I don't believe in that stuff.
- Yeah. I always know.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
Oh, my God. I mean, oh, my nothing!
- [PANTING]
- Ned, calm down.
Daddy, if you don't believe in God,
Satan will turn our milk sour.
He'll leave us barren.
It's-It's okay, boys.
Don't be scared. [CHUCKLES]
I mean, if there's no God,
there's no Satan, so
[GROANS]
No one's in charge!
- [AUDIENCE CLAMORS]
- Let's go have a little talk.
[NED SIGHS]
Ned, you can't stop believing in God
just because of some English guy.
They only seem smarter than us 'cause
of the accent and their great baking.
It's not just what happened tonight.
Lately there's been things
rattling around in my noodle.
Like what?
Like how could God
take two wives from me?
I follow all Ten Commandments.
I even wrote three of my own.
You'd think God would bless
someone who tries so hard.
Instead, I got two dead
wives and a weird pinky toe.
Jesus wore sandals, but I can't.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
[SIGHS] I have to tell you something.
Something embarrassing.
Okay.
[NED] Every morning I put a Post-it
note on the bathroom mirror for Maude.
[MARGE] Well, that's sweet.
Something I always did for Maude.
After she died, I kept doing it,
thinking somehow she might see it.
I think she does.
Though I'm not completely
sure about ghost rules.
I'd also been texting Edna.
Maude preferred to call or
"snail-talk" as the kids would say.
But Edna and I,
if we saw something interesting
or had a funny thought, we'd text.
After Edna passed, I kept texting.
It was a habit I just
never tried to break.
But last night
[CHUCKLES]
[CHUCKLES] Mmm.
- [PHONE CHIMES]
- [GRUNTS]
Aw. [SIGHS]
"Sorry. Wife's old phone number.
Texting to make sure
she got to heaven okay."
[PHONE CHIMES]
[GASPS]
Edna?
[GRUNTS] Oh, it's Nelson.
Haha! Your wife left you for dirt!
In that split second between ha's,
I actually believed that it might
have been Edna answering my text.
I felt so stupid. Then this morning
I didn't put my
Post-it on the mirror.
I knew no one was gonna see it.
Tonight, I asked myself the question
I never before dared to ask:
What if this is all there is?
Oh, Ned.
Of course that's not all there is.
There's daytime and they're always
dipping new things in chocolate.
And you can mix anything
with a poodle these days.
Get some rest. Tomorrow
you'll feel better.
[LIGHT SWITCH CLICKS]
[ALARM CLOCK RINGS]
[GROANS]
Poor Ned.
Kids, why don't you play
with Rod and Todd today?
- [GRUNTS] Hard pass.
- Sure.
And if you see Mr. Flanders,
just caringly remind him that,
you know, God is real
and there's a plan to all this.
But in a fun way.
Lis, can I tell you something?
- Sure.
- I'm not feeling Christmas.
- What do you mean?
- I don't know.
Usually,
when the weather starts to turn cold,
I get a little jolt of excitement
in my tummy that says,
"Christmas is coming!"
Ooh. It hasn't happened this year.
When everyone at school was
dancing to that Charlie Brown song,
I was faking it.
["CHRISTMAS IS COMING" PLAYING]
Lis, what if I'm outgrowing Christmas?
Listen, you don't have
to outgrow Christmas.
It just changes. As you get older,
instead of getting stuff,
it's more about giving.
How? I don't have any money.
The little drummer
boy didn't have money,
so he played his drum for baby Jesus.
I bet that baby hated that.
No, Bart. The drummer boy's
gift was the thing he did best.
So do what you do best,
but do it for other people.
But what I do best is fill
tailpipes with potatoes.
Usually Russet,
but I'll go Yukon Gold in a pinch.
We'll figure out the potatoes later.
For now, why don't you come with me to
help Rod and Todd have a good Christmas?
Fine. This is gonna be weird.
I know, but I kinda love it.
- [DOORBELL RINGS]
- [GROANS]
Hi, Santa. I'm giving you
back your french fry house.
Hey, Ralph.
Come in for a second. Sit down.
[GROANS]
When I thought I was Santa,
it was the greatest feeling.
I knew exactly how to
make everyone happy.
I was magical,
just because I believed I could be.
I still believe you're Santa.
[GROANS] I appreciate that,
but, you know,
you've been working on a
four-piece puzzle for a year.
[CHUCKLES] A baby came
to my house and fixed it.
I don't believe in myself enough to think
I could be Santa to the whole world.
But I believe in me enough
to be Santa of Springfield.
Well, most of Springfield.
The people I know.
Do you believe enough to
magically make presents?
I believe I can supervise
as you make them.
If you're still with me?
I am.
'Cause you can't spell elf
Oh. You're done.
Okay, good, let's get to work.
[BOTH GASP]
You didn't say grace.
What if you die before you wake?
Now, kids, if God does exist,
well, he's a big boy.
He can handle a little renunciation
when a fella needs a break.
Are you guys hoping for any
particular toys from Santa?
We don't get toys.
We give toys to the less fortunate.
For Christmas, we get Bible highlighters
and sheet music of our favorite hymns.
I thought you weren't
doing that stuff anymore.
Bart's right. We're gonna
have a free-wheeling Christmas
where you boys get toys.
I guess we're the unfortunate now.
Yeah, 'cause we don't have a God.
Yay.
That's the Christmas spirit!
[BOTH WHIMPER]
We don't wanna be possessed
by the Christmas spirit!
Exorcists charge more at Christmas.
I know. You guys should look
through the toy catalog.
Whoa.
A noodle for the pool!
I want that.
You don't have a pool.
But that's just the first page.
There's more. Look.
A toy wallet?
With toy money and toy receipts.
I want that.
- I want that too.
- No, I wanna be the only one who has it.
I rebuke you as my brother!
I'll Cain and Abel you in your sleep!
I'll cut out your heart
with the jaw of an ass!
- Wow.
- I love it.
- [DOOR CLOSES]
- Mr. Brown?
- Oh.
- I need your help.
Could you and your
workers use your magic
to fool Ned Flanders into
believing in God again?
Marge, look,
there's no shortage of charlatans
willing to use clever tricks
to lure Ned back to the church,
but I've-I've spent my entire
career exposing those tricks.
And then doing those tricks myself
onstage for fame and yachts.
I am sorry, I cannot help you.
Oh, Ned just seems so lost.
Like Guy Fieri without bold flavors.
These charlatans you mentioned,
do you have their phone numbers?
[GROANS] I understand
how hard this must
Sleep.
[GASPS]
Oh, that sneaky mind-wizard.
[LAUGHING]
You boys built a snowman?
No. That would be a graven image.
- [BOTH SHRIEK]
- [WHIMPERS]
How'd that get there?
Oh, it's just one of the neighbor kids.
Well, boys, we're skipping
Christmas eve at church,
but we can start a whole new
"at home" tradition.
I got pine cones and Googily Eyes.
What should we do?
[BOTH GASP]
- Secular TV?
- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Sure, I I guess.
Two Broken Girls!
I wanna watch the show
about the air-fryer again.
We can watch 'em both.
[ANNOUNCER] Crispy on the outside,
juicy on the inside!
The crunch of frying
with half the calories.
Clean up is a breeze!
[SIGHS] Okay, boys.
Time to get ready for bed.
Can I get an at-home henna tattoo kit,
so I can do henna tattoos at home?
Daddy?
[GRUNTS]
[GASPS] It moved.
No, no, it couldn't have.
[ALL SCREAM]
[TODD] Satan has come for us!
Because we coveted toys!
- [VOICE] You better watch out!
- What is that?
You better not cry!
[DOORBELL RINGS]
[ROD, TODD WHIMPERING]
Who wants to play Bible Bingo?
Why is it so dark?
The Christmas spirit is
trying to possess us!
- This is Jesus' worst birthday ever.
- What was that?
[ROD, TODD WHIMPER]
- [IN ELECTRONIC VOICE] Hi, Mom.
- Bart!
You told me you needed that
headset mic for seminars.
Bart, why'd you scare us?
Just, you know, being the Bartman.
Oh, I get it.
[CHUCKLES]
It's not funny, dear.
Okay, good.
Ned, would you and the boys like
to have some eggnog at our house
while Bart and I put your
house back to normal?
That sounds lovely, Marge.
- Thank you.
- Yay.
Bart, why did you do this?
[SIGHS] I did it for you.
- For me?
- It was a gift.
You were sad that Derren
Brown wouldn't punk Flanders
into believing in God again,
so I tried to do it.
Why'd you make it so scary?
It's not that scary.
[GRUNTS]
Are we on a five?
'Cause I could really use a Go-Gurt.
Yes, yes, fine. But not the berry.
Okay, it was a little scary.
But how was that supposed to
make him believe in God again?
By making him terrified of Satan.
It's not the same thing.
Ah, tomato, tomato.
Bart. Oh, you heard me.
You got everything wrong,
but you listened.
It's the best present ever. [GROANS]
Well, you're welcome.
I'm glad you Ooh.
What?
[IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE]
Christmas is coming!
[CHUCKLES]
Yes, it is. Let's get some eggnog.
Hello?
[GROANS] This better not
count as screen time.
Okay, we'll start with the biggest
chimney in town: Rainier Wolfcastle.
Aw. His gift is on the bottom.
Ah, just grab something off the top.
He'll love this Popsicle-stick-framed
picture of Agnes Skinner.
Everything's easy when you don't try.
Put that on my tombstone, kid.
[GROANING]
- [ALARM BLARING]
- Huh? Huh?
- [GRUNTS]
- [BLARING CONTINUES]
Good idea, Ralph. Start the car.
- [OFFICER] Freeze!
- Ralph?
[CHUCKLES] Hi. This is your lucky day.
Picture with Santa! No waiting.
[GROANING]
Write your names on this
naughty list. [GROANS]
Haunting aside, how are you doing, Ned?
Well, okay, I guess.
Christmas loses a lot of its magic
when you stop believing in God.
Lisa, when you became a Buddhist,
didn't ya miss the miracles?
Buddhists believe in miracles.
Let me tell you a story that
was told by the Buddha himself.
Suppose there existed an ocean
the size of this world.
On its surface floated an ox yoke.
[MARGE] A yolk? Like an egg yolk?
[LISA] No! The thing they use
to attach a plow to an ox.
[MARGE CHUCKLES] I was
imagining an ox laying an egg.
[LISA] Well, don't.
And at the bottom of this vast ocean,
there lived a blind sea turtle
who surfaced once every
hundred years to take a breath.
How miraculous would it be if that
turtle were to take its breath
by raising its head through
the middle of that yoke?
This is how miraculous it
is that you were even born.
That's beautiful.
This life is a precious opportunity.
Buddhists don't concern
themselves with the afterlife,
because there is no existence
except for that which
is happening right now.
Aw.
- Mom!
- I'm sorry.
I like an afterlife in my religion.
Don't yuck my spiritual yum!
It just doesn't sound as good
as the mansion in the sky
that Ned and I are going to get.
Well, I'm going to get.
Sorry, Ned.
- Oh.
- Hmm.
[HOMER CHANTING] Santa needs cocoa!
- Santa needs cocoa!
- [RATTLING]
We gave you cocoa.
Santa needs marshmallows!
Stop, or we'll Mace you.
Santa is immune to
[EXCLAIMS] Ow!
- Aw. Now I'm out of Mace.
- [GROANING]
Did you check your stocking?
- [GASPS] You didn't.
- [CHUCKLES]
[GROANING]
Arrested on Christmas eve.
Deserted by my elf.
Wasted my one phone call
calling the radio station to request
"Jingle Bell Rock."
It wasn't as rockin' as I remember.
And tomorrow [SNIFFLES]
on Christmas morning,
when Bart and Lisa and Maggie
run into our bedroom
at the crack of dawn
[CRYING]
I won't be there to
tell them to shut up!
[SOBBING]
Little monsters.
Give us another hour.
Psst. Hi, Chris Pringle!
Ralph! [SNIFFLES] You came back.
Wow. Your head is all soft spot.
The jinglies from Daddy's belt.
The sleigh is parked outside.
Ralph, new plan.
I'm gonna be Santa,
but just for my family.
And you're going to be a helpful elf,
but just for your family.
So everything is back to the
way it was before we were magic?
Yeah, I'm sorry.
I'm different.
You are different, but you're cute.
So that's gonna help.
No, I'm different 'cause the time
I "spended" with you.
Aw. I'm different, too.
My hat smells make me hungry.
Okay, new new plan.
We stop by Krusty
Burger on the way home.
[CLAMORING, GRUNTING]
Hey, Ned.
Heads up! Oh, I missed you.
Ah. Someone must be looking out for you.
Glu-hoyvin.
I'm not so sure about that.
I'm having a crisis of faith.
Oh, well, I'm sorry.
Anyway, good night.
[STAMMERS] You know,
I am about to take my
my super sub for a quick dive,
with the pinging and the ear-popping
and the wondrous "Oh,
we're floating in the world of water!"
Would you care to join me?
I think it might be good for you.
Hmm. Why not?
It almost looks like outer space.
Well, we actually know more about
space than we know about the deep sea.
We know even less about why
you can't tickle yourself.
It's actually not funny.
Ah. How do you deal with the emptiness
that comes with knowing there is no God?
Well, sir, I know no such thing.
A scientist must always
keep an open mind.
Or at least one that is
just a little bit ajar.
For example, everything science knew
told us that nothing could
survive at this depth.
But there are creatures
that thrive here.
[STAMMERS] They're very weird creatures.
So, do you believe in God?
I think that God is revealed in
the orderly harmony of nature. Yes.
I don't think of him as a
giant fellow with the floods
and the harps and the
voice of Morgan Freeman,
or occasionally that
other guy from The Thing.
Yeah. I just wish
he would, uh, talk to me.
Could that kind of God exist?
I have learned anything is possible.
Look at the Giant Siphonophore.
It acts like a single creature,
but it is actually a 100-foot
conga line of individual organisms.
Unbelievable.
It's an honor to meet all of you.
Oh, it is a rare privilege.
You know more people
have been to the moon
than here in the hadal zone?
Wow. That is something.
Do you think fish know when
Wait, did you say the moon?
Yes, we're at a very
experimental depth right now.
Experimental?
Oh, yes. This is my first time.
- I am finding it quite pleasant.
- What the ?
- [PANTING]
- Okay. I guess you say that now.
- Bring us up. Bring us up.
- All right. Okay.
Don't want any more f-torpedoes.
- [THUDS]
- [EXCLAIMS]
- What was that?
- The sub is not exactly loving
all of the pressure which
is trying to [MUMBLES]
uh, crush us.
[BOTH WHIMPER]
What should we do?
[CLANGING]
Um. Pray?
Then quickly head to the surface. Yeah.
[CREAKING]
[GASPING]
- [GRUNTS]
- [WHIRRING]
What happened?
We're above the crush zone.
We're no longer in danger of imploding.
We'll be at the surface
in a few minutes.
[GASPS]
Though, with the damage we took, there
is of course still a danger of ex
[INHALES DEEPLY, GRUNTS]
[PANTING]
Professor Frink? Professor Frink?
[EXCLAIMING, MUMBLING]
Oh, thank thank
[MUMBLES] We made it. Oh.
Oh, my boat is right there.
We can paddle to it.
What the heck are you floating on?
[PANTING] Part of your
Part of your submarine.
There was no wood on my sub.
That almost looks like a
What is that?
It's a plow yoke.
That's exactly what it is.
It's a miracle.
It's a "ding-dang-diddly-dong" miracle!
Wow. You are quite the potty-mouth
now that there's no God watching you.
No, don't you see? He is watching.
- I know that now. I believe again.
- Congratulations. Wonderful.
But we should get to the boat.
Can't be in the water for too long.
We're gonna be fine.
I have faith.
Ned, are you okay?
I'm more than okay. Look what saved me.
It's a miracle. I'm a miracle.
You're a miracle.
Everything's a miracle. [CHUCKLES]
He's been like this
the-the whole ride back.
You believe again?
I sure do.
- Daddy!
- Daddy!
So you let Jesus back into your heart?
I sure did. I'm not going to hell,
which exists again.
- Yay!
- Yay!
I wanna give my toys
to the less fortunate.
Well, I'm not sure the less fortunate
want a toy hairbrush, but we'll see.
Hello.
- Derren Brown?
- What?
British guy from earlier?
Wait, did you
I may have manipulated
Ned's reality this evening.
- How?
- He was never in a submarine tonight.
He was in a floating, break-away set.
Most of my crew are
scuba-diving puppeteers.
We even brought in Patti
LaBelle to set the mood.
And, of course,
Professor Frink was in on it.
Yes, I do the occasional
fake submarine voyage
just to keep my SAG card active.
What changed your mind
about helping Ned?
Look, while I have issues with religion,
I do understand the need
to find meaning in life.
And I wanted to show Ned the
magic of this human existence.
I wasn't trying to make him
believe anything supernatural.
The yoke makes it seem
a little supernatural.
The yoke?
Didn't you put a wooden
yoke in the water?
- He wasn't there for that story.
- I don't know what you mean.
- Shall I ask my crew?
- No, don't ask. Let's just believe.
Anyway, merry Christmas, Simpsons.
Speaking of which,
because you're on the nice list,
here's a little something for you.
Oh, thank you, Homer.
What? The blue bow tie from my
ventriloquist's dummy, Chaucer.
This has been missing for so long.
You're a ventriloquist?
I was. And I
I realize this is hard to believe
but before I got into magic,
I was a nerd.
- No!
- No!
No!
How could you have known?
Unless, you're actually
[SIGHS]
Merry Christmas, Santa.
I thought the hair-bow was for Maggie.
I mixed up the boxes.
Oh, it's fine.
Maggie's gonna love this
Applebee's gift card.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
[VOCALIZING]
Shh.