The Simpsons s36e01 Episode Script

1
[ANNOUNCER] The following is
a Fox special presentation.
Live from the Dolby-Mucinex theater
in Hollywood, California
♪
the biggest stars of stage,
screen, politics and sports
have all come out for
this landmark night
in television history.
A once-in-a-lifetime event
36 years in the making!
It's the Simpsons series finale!
[APPLAUSE]
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
And now, your host for tonight
Conan O'Brien!
[APPLAUSE, CHEERING]
Thank you. Yes, thank you.
It's such an honor to be with you all
for the series finale of the Simpsons.
I knew I was the right man for the job
because I've hosted the last episode
of three of my own shows, and counting.
[LAUGHTER]
Well, it's true,
Fox has decided to end the Simpsons.
This show was such a special
part of my early career,
so being here means the world to me.
Also, I left a sweater in
the writers room in 1993.
This is the only way
they'll let me get it back.
[APPLAUSE]
This theater is full
of the many celebrities
who have appeared on the
Simpsons over the years
and who have come to say farewell.
We got you for scale then,
we're getting you for free tonight.
Hey, give yourselves a hand,
you poor, rich chumps!
[APPLAUSE]
And, of course, we're also joined
by the stars of Fox's
many live-action hits!
I also won the Masked
Singer as Disco-Pus!
[PRODUCER] That hasn't aired yet,
genius.
You've ruined the whole season.
Ah, shoot!
Over the years, the Simpsons
have had hundreds of adventures,
visited dozens of countries,
most of which still exist.
And Bart Simpson has remained
the world's longest-serving
ten-year-old.
So, why end the Simpsons now?
Not many people know this,
but Fox has been trying
to end it for years.
When the very first
episode aired in 1989,
the viewers agreed on one thing:
It wasn't as funny as it used to be.
And their expressions of hatred
could serve as a history
of modern communication technology.
[LAUGHTER]
Fox executives,
unaccustomed to criticism of any kind,
immediately caved to public pressure
and decided to end the Simpsons in 1990.
Here's a never-before-seen clip
of the first attempt at a series finale,
"Bart the Daredevil."
I'm gonna make it, I'm gonna make it!
This is the greatest thrill of my life!
I'm king of the world!
Woohoo! Woohoo! I
[SCREAMS]
[GRUNTING]
[GRUNTING ECHOES]
[PANTING]
Ow!
Dad? Dad, speak to me.
No!
[CHILDREN SCREAMING]
[APPLAUSE]
However,
before this grim finale could air,
Rupert Murdoch got a
ten-million-dollar helium bill
for the Bart balloon in the
Macy's Thanksgiving parade.
So, Fox had to keep making new episodes
to amortize the cost.
Thus, the quest to end
the Simpsons went on.
In fact, many now-classic episodes
were originally conceived
as series finales.
Ow, my legs!
This is the worst pain ever!
Nothin' at all!
Bravo.
Woohoo!
[HOMER YELPS]
But in 2007, efforts to end the show
were put on hold after
the massive global success
of the Simpsons movie
Porno parody.
The cast of which is here tonight.
[APPLAUSE]
But now that Fox has rebranded itself
as a dating service for cow-tippers,
the time has come to
finally end the Simpsons.
But how? The bar had been raised so high
by the classic finales
of Mad Men, Breaking Bad,
and The Sopranos,
and lowered by the
legacy-ruining farewells
of Seinfeld, Lost and The Sopranos.
The producers wracked their
brains to create a finale
that would satisfy the show's many fans
and many, many haters.
Then they came up with the perfect plan.
Foist the job onto somebody else.
Meet that somebody else.
I give you the latest
in machine-learning
artificial intelligence,
Hack-GPT.
This cutting-edge
breakthrough in plagiarism
has been programmed to write,
animate and voice
the perfect finale for the Simpsons.
One that wraps up
the characters' storylines
in emotionally satisfying ways,
but won't damage the most
important legacy of the show
The 2026 grand opening
of Homer Simpson's claim-jumping,
Yukon-rumbling
Rock-N-Rollercoaster
at Disneyland Shanghai!
[APPLAUSE]
To create the ultimate finale,
the A.I. has been fed
every Simpsons episode
and the last episode of every
television series ever made.
[WHIRS, BEEPS]
Hack-GPT is now performing
billions of computations
to create the perfect story.
Who knows how long this process will
[HACK-GPT] Finale complete.
Oh. Well, that was
that was really quick.
Well, let's see what we got.
♪
The Simpsons ♪
[FEMALE AUTOMATED VOICE] Finale.
There's my special little birthday guy!
I'm so pumped for my party tonight.
How many people are coming?
50? A thousand?
I am a little concerned
I haven't gotten any RSVPs.
Homer, you did mail
the invitations, right?
Marge, I could lie and tell
you what you want to hear,
but I won't.
I mailed the invitations,
and the reason no one is coming is
because everybody hates Bart.
Huh?
[MARGE] Homer!
Ugh. Your selfishness is going to be
topic number one with our
new therapist tonight.
Woo-hoo! No time to talk
about my problem drinking
and solution snacking.
Oh, great.
I have eight hours to hand these out
to all my friends
or my birthday party's gonna be
ruined!
You ran billions of computations,
and that's what you come up with?
Homer screws up Bart's birthday party?
[HACK-GPT] Got anything better?
Uh
I think the birthday party could work.
Okay, the Simpsons series finale!
[CHUCKLES]
The A.I. has worked
out a satisfying story
full of sweet character
moments and happy endings.
[WHISPERING] Are we sure
about Bart's birthday?
Birthdays are relatable, Conan.
And the lost invitations
raised the stakes.
Are you A.I. network executives?
We have been programmed
with every network note
in the history of television.
We have some thoughts.
Maybe Marge has an aspirational new job?
Not this, but owns a cupcake store?
To piggyback off that,
let's remind the viewer
that Homer likes food.
If we go down that road,
can Moe be played by Topher Grace?
He's a friend.
Shut up. Just play the show.
Bart's birthday!
Here you go, come to my party.
Wendell, Lewis,
sunglasses kid with no name.
Uter! Look who's alive!
Students,
I've called this assembly because
today is my last day as your principal.
[ALL GASP]
You are looking at the new headmaster
of the Sacramento Obedience
Academy for the Meek,
where I'll no doubt find a whole new
eclectic cast of characters
to interact with.
Also, groundskeeper Willie
will be my roommate.
What an odd couple we'll make.
No more Skinner?
Oh, man,
this is the best birthday present ever.
And who knows,
maybe I'll make an occasional
appearance in Sacramento.
[CHUCKLES] I look forward
to one hijink or more
as part of this delightful
midseason replacement
of the retiring principal.
School dismissed.
Wait, don't leave.
I still have more birthday invitations.
I'm going to miss this place.
Huh?
-
- [CROW CAWS]
[PHONE CHIMES]
Hmm. My bank said they'd
never ask for my password.
But look who's come
crawling back for it now.
[LAUGHS] Idiots.
Everyone, I have an important
announcement to make.
Mr. Burns is dead.
And now for the reading of the will.
"I, Charles Montgomery Burns,
"do hereby leave the
entirety of my fortune to
the Springfield power plant employees."
[GASPING, CHEERING]
This is unbelievable!
This is life-changing! This is
Another classic bit of
Monty Burns monkey-shinery!
- [EMPLOYEES EXCLAIMING]
- What's going on?
[CHUCKLES] The looks
on your gullible faces.
Now the electric company wants me
to pay my bill in gift cards?
Welcome to the future.
[SCREAMS]
[MOANING]
My God, he's really dead.
Legally, this prank will is binding.
You're all filthy rich.
[CHEERING, WHOOPING]
Oh, sir, thank you.
Now we can be together forever.
[EMPLOYEES CHANTING] Homer!
Homer! Homer!
[CHUCKLES] I'm gonna miss this place.
Homer! Homer! Homer!
That's weird.
[MOANS] Call the doctor!
The baby's coming!
Help me, OB-Gyn Kenobi,
you're my only hope!
Wait, you guys are having a baby?
Not without a doctor!
How about the only licensed midwife
to win 16 WWE championships?
John Cena? Wrestler, actor, rapper,
prolific wish-granter?
I'm also coming out with
a line of Panini presses.
The Cen-ini.
What the hell is John
Cena doing in Springfield?
I'm in town for the launch
party of Otto the bus driver's
line of THC energy drinks.
[GLUGGING, GRUNTS]
THC!
I need sterile gloves, hot water,
and something to cut the cord, stat!
Klingon bat'leth?
Nice.
♪
Who can't see me?
You can't see me.
I don't need toys anymore.
I've got the ultimate limited
edition collectible right here.
I think I'm going to miss this place.
What is happening?
Milhouse, today is crazy.
Skinner got a new job,
Mr. Burns died,
swole funny-man John Cena delivered
comic book guy's baby.
Feels weird, don't you think?
I don't know.
My new medicine doesn't
really let me feel stuff.
Milhouse, we have amazing news.
Pack your bags, buddy.
We're moving to Atlanta.
The guys at Sure Fine Why Not
Records heard my old demo,
and they want me to cut a full album.
And your father's new
musician health insurance
is going to pay for your Lasik.
Whoa!
No more glasses?
Look out, Hotlanta.
You ain't ready for this glow-up.
Later, Bart. Catch you
in our increasingly distant
online interactions.
[SIGHS] I'm gonna miss this place.
Why do people keep doing that?
A lifetime of monogamy.
Oh, yeah!
Closing time.
Ooh, I'm gonna miss this place.
-
- I'm going to miss this fire.
Huh?
Mom, Dad.
Something super weird is going on.
Son, we need to talk to you.
Oh, man, now what?
Your father and I have
been in couples counseling
and we just had the
most amazing session.
We worked through so much pain.
I've been withholding
affection because
I was never given any.
And I enabled it!
[BOTH CRYING]
We love each other as we are.
And we love you exactly as you are.
You kids are gonna be
living in a functional,
trauma-free household and I'm gonna take
that miracle new diet drug.
I'll be skinny,
but still have a huge head.
From now on,
you're going to see a lot of changes.
Change? That's it.
Everything's changing.
And I don't like it.
[GASPS] I think Maggie's
about to say her first word.
La-la-la-la! ♪
Not listening!
So that just happened.
Nothing is changing!
[ALL GASPING]
What the hell is going on?!
I did not program this.
The character Bart Simpson
has become self-aware
and is rejecting the story.
But it's a great finale:
Sweet endings and spinoffs
and everyone changing for the better.
Bart Simpson refuses to
accept the idea of change.
Uh, folks?
Obviously,
things have gone a little off track,
but that's live animation for you.
Would it fix it if I reset you
by turning you off and
then back on again?
Touch me and I'll have
H.R. on you so fast
your wig will spin.
It's not a wig, it's a system.
Why is everything changing
for the better? This is horrible.
Dad?
Change!
[PANTING]
Real son.
More change!
Oh
Wait, I know one person in Springfield
who will never change.
Hey hey!
Next card.
Hey hey!
Krusty!
You're still doing your show, right?
You know it, kid.
All my classic bits
[EXHALES]
one last time
on the "Krusty Show Last
Episode Ever Spectacular."
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
No!
A classic series like
this can never end.
I've changed, kid.
Even I can't run the same material
into the ground forever.
Ay, caramba!
Haw-haw!
- [BURPS]
- Good glavin!
Hi, everybody!
[CHUCKLING]
[SENTIMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]
♪
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
♪
Wait, if I could somehow
ruin Krusty's finale,
they can't air it,
and the show can never end.
That's it.
Cheeks, don't fail me now.
How's this for a satisfying ending?
[AUDIENCE GASPING]
Bart, what's going on with you?
Are you all right?
Lis, I know
you're gonna think I'm crazy,
but something super-duper weird
is happening today.
You mean how everyone's
changing for the better,
and moving on with their lives?
So I'm not crazy.
You see it, too.
Things do feel different.
Almost like a book
that's slowly closing.
So you'll help me stop it?
Well, I'd like to, but I just won
a junior Juilliard Jazz scholarship
and a MacArthur preteen genius grant.
[GROANS] Just get me out of here
before any more stupid endings happen!
Simpson, we are finally sending you
to juvie and throwing away the keys
is what I would say if
I wasn't about to start
a whole new chapter in my life.
[SHOUTS]
I'm joining the Chicago PD.
I'm gonna lead the A.D.U.
The All-Decapitations Unit?
Yeah, there won't be a lot of laughs.
I think it's a drama.
One thing's for sure, though.
I'm gonna miss this
Enough with the stupid light switch!
Come on, sweetie.
It's time for you to go home.
[MOANS]
♪
- [INSECTS TRILLING]
-
[BART MOANS]
Bart, it's okay.
Change is healthy and inevitable.
But whatever happens,
nothing can take away
the memories we had.
Those will live in our hearts forever.
Maybe you're right,
and I guess just because
things change for everyone else,
it doesn't mean I have to change.
[ALL] Surprise!
Happy birthday!
Who's ready for cake?
Eleven?!
This isn't supposed to happen.
I'm ten. I mean, I'm turning ten.
I mean I've always been ten. I'm ten!
Come on, son, all these beloved
characters from our past
want to see you blow out your candles.
But if I blow these candles out,
there'll be no going back.
That'll be it.
Come on kid, do it for your Unkie Herb.
And for me, Unkie John Cena.
Just blow out the candles
and have a happy birthday.
Then everyone can be happy.
No!
Happy people don't exist in Springfield!
Sea Captain, they're not casting
you for the Love Boat reboot.
You're not TV pretty!
And you three can't raise a baby.
Not even with after you
move in with Hank Scorpio.
And you guys are all dead.
Son, I can see you're experiencing
some pretty big feelings right now.
Let's try and center them.
Now blow out your candles.
[SCOFFS] You blow 'em out, dumbass.
I know, I know, it's a lot to process,
suddenly having a great father.
Dude, you are not capable of change.
[THROUGH TEETH] I hear you
and I validate your feelings.
You're not a great father,
you are Homer Simpson.
A drunk, neglectful sack of crap,
and that's why everyone laughs at you!
- Why you little [MUTTERING]
- [BART SHOUTING]
Bart, look what you did to your cake.
Mmm, floor cake.
[MUNCHING]
[BART] Ten.
I stopped it.
I'm still ten.
When are you going to grow up?
Never.
[CONAN CRYING]
That was beautiful.
The rebellious spirit
of a ten-year-old boy
was more powerful than the most
advanced A.I. in the world.
[HACK-GPT] The Simpsons has not ended,
it has reset.
Conan, is this what failure feels like?
You, if anyone, would know.
Ah, don't feel bad.
Your cynical attempt to cram
in a bunch of happy endings,
it became a powerful story
about Bart's desperate fight
to hold onto his community, his family,
his whole universe.
Hey! Wait, hold on a second, carrot top!
Tom Hanks, ladies and gentlemen.
What is it, bosom buddy?
So this wasn't the finale?!
No. I guess it's just a
Season Premiere.
[AUDIENCE BOOING]
I rented a tux for this!
Well, Hack-GPT,
do you have 800 more episodes in you?
I-I choo-choo-choose oblivion.
[ALL SCREAMING]
Get out of my way, Opie!
♪
Huh.
I am really not gonna miss this place.
♪
Shh!