Saturday Night Live (1975) s36e02 Episode Script
Bryan Cranston and Kanye West
next on c-span, yesterday at A special ceremony, rahm emanuel Officially stepped down as white House chief of staff.
[ applause .]
thank you.
Thank you.
Hello.
Good morning.
Today my administration says Good-bye ta friend, a fighter, A warrior, a man you want in Your corner when the going gets Rough.
A man who won't take "no" for an Answer.
A man who has twisted a few arms And poked a few chests.
A man who knows no fear, but Knows how to make others afraid.
You know him as rahm emanuel, But to me, he will always be Rahmbo.
[ laughter .]
Rahm will be replaced as white House chief of staff by Peter rouse.
[ laughter .]
Pete hails from connecticut and Is a lover of cats.
[ laughter .]
Come on back, pete.
Give a wave, buddy.
Nothing to be afraid of.
But enough about pete.
Today belongs to rahm.
Rahm.
thank you, mr.
President.
As the president reminded us Just now, I do have a certain Reputation amongst my colleagues And the administration and Congress.
Now, has my manner sometimes Been a bit aggressive? Probably.
Could my personality be fairly Described as abrasive? Yes, it could.
Do I lack even basic social Skills? Absolutely.
[ laughter .]
Does a little bit of me go a Long way? Indeed, it does.
In my job, have I at times used Ugly, strong-arm methods to get Support for this president's Agenda? Guilty as charged.
But remember, there's a big Difference between arguing a Point passionately and Committing actual physical Violence.
And that's a difference I Completely lost sight of.
Not in every case, but almost.
And for that, I am truly very Sorry.
Now, pete, come here.
Come here buddy.
If there's one piece of advice That I can give to you, it's This.
Everyone in washington is trying To kill you.
All the time! And it's kill or be killed.
Are you ready to kill a man, Pete? Are you ready to choke a man Over a vote? I don't think so.
'cause, yeah? 'cause this is prison rules now, Baby.
Okay? On the first day, you've got to Walk up to the biggest Congressman you can find and Say, "nice to meet you.
" And when he goes to shake your Hand, you stab him in the neck With a pencil.
And then you scream for everyone To hear, "I am pete rouse! But you can call me king f'ing Kong! If any of you ladies got a Problem with that, I will fight You in the men's room.
" Are you ready to be king kong, Pete? no.
[ laughter .]
are you ready to let the part Of you that's human die? no, I don't think I want this Job anymore.
you can't cry, buddy.
Okay? If you cry, it's over.
If you cry, it's shawshank.
Here.
I want you to have this.
It's a razor blade.
Keep it in your mouth.
Hopefully you'll never have to Use it, but it's still nice to Feel the metal against your Gums.
I want to go home! shh.
You have no home now.
Home is for people.
But you? You're a monster.
Today I am leaving the hardest And the best job I've ever had.
Now, did I make a difference? I hope so.
I do know one thing for certain.
I made a lot of friends.
What's that? I didn't? Really? [ laughter .]
No friends at all? Right.
Because of my personality.
Well, there's not much more else To say.
I want once again to thank the President for this opportunity And to wish him good luck Dealing with the new angry Republican majorities in Congress.
On that score, I'm sure pete Will do just fine.
[ laughter .]
And one last thing -- Live from new york, it's Saturday night! [ cheers and applause .]
announcer: It's "Saturday Night live"! With fred armisen, Abby elliott, Bill hader, Seth meyers, Bobby moynihan, Andy samberg, Jason sudeikis, Kenan thompson, Kristin wiig, Featuring -- Vanessa bayer, Paul brittain, Taran killam, Nasim pedrad, Jay pharaoh, Musical guest, kanye west, And your host, bryan cranston.
Ladies and gentlemen, Bryan cranston! [ cheers and applause .]
thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
Thank you so much.
It's great to be here hosting "Saturday night live.
" Whoo! I have to admit that I'm a Little nervous to be on this Stage.
I've never done a show like this Before.
But I have done almost every Other type of show.
I've been a working actor in Television and film for almost 30 years now, and I've played Lots of different types of Roles.
Well here's a photo of me from My series "breaking bad.
" [ cheers and applause .]
And before that, I was on "malcolm in the middle.
" [ cheers and applause .]
And here I am in the classic Film "the joy luck club.
" [ laughter .]
As I mentioned, I'm on the amc Series "breaking bad.
" [ cheers and applause .]
Thank you.
I play a chemistry teacher who Makes crystal methamphetamine.
The whole show is about meth so It's nice to get away from all That and come to new york city Where you can still find good Old-fashioned crack.
Even though I've been very lucky Enough to have won some awards For "breaking bad," I'm still Not a household name.
Not a household name, but I Think -- I think that feeling is Going to -- it's about to change Right now.
Music! there is a man there is a man a certain man a certain man whose very name means Entertain and he'll do all he Can what is that name it's byron cramdon no, no.
Wait.
No, no.
It's bryan cranston.
Cranston.
cramson.
no, no, no.
Cran -- cran -- -- ston.
-- ston.
great.
you may not know him yet but Soon you'll be his biggest fan He played a dentist he played a dentist he played a dad he played a dad but he is best when making Meth over on "breaking bad and if you're not convinced oh Boy, just listen to this! he'll make you laugh ha, ha, ha he'll make you cry wah wah wah wah he's got a style that's Versatile that you cannot deny so what's his name it's bryan cranston it's the name you cannot Forget even if you tried it's b-r-I that's b-r-y he's bryan cranston bryan cranston b-r-y-a-n c-r-a-n-s-t-o-n bryan cranston he's dancing [ cheers and applause .]
we're gonna have a great show For you tonight! Kanye west is here! So stick around.
We'll be right back with more Stuff! I was at the club with some Friends.
That's when it happened.
This burning sensation.
indigestion.
I was ready to go home.
But then I heard about Pepto-bismol ice.
The only antacid that's also a Malt liquor.
pepto-bismol ice.
just one sip and you'll taste The relief.
Pepto-bismol ice gives you Relief from your stomach pain And fills your brain with a Low-grade alcohol.
Pepto-bismol ice got me off the Toilet and onto the dance floor.
Plus it's got that signature Pink color that guys love.
pepto-bismol ice.
it kills the bacteria that Causes diarrhea.
nice.
pepto-bismol ice.
Keep the party out of your Pants.
[ cheers and applause .]
hey, y'all.
It's "the miley cyrus show" with Me, miley cyrus.
I got guests and a show and I'm ready to go so I guess that's pretty Cool it's pretty cool [ cheers and applause .]
shello.
It's miley y'all.
So this is like my show where I, Like, talk to people who are Pretty cool.
And well I talk about things I Think are pretty cool.
And yeah, it's pretty cool.
Heading up the miley cyrus band Over here, we've got my dad, Billy ray cyrus.
miley, you are an absolute Sunshine.
It's just nuts how special you Are.
You are like god's gift.
okay, dad.
Thank you.
Okay.
So now I'm going to do, like, my Comedy monologue.
So I don't know if y'all saw, But, like, there's a study that, Like, only 5% of french people Go to the gym.
So I thought that was pretty Funny because, like, 5% -- That's a pretty small number of People going to the gym.
[ laughter .]
So that's my monologue.
I thought it was pretty funny.
oh, baby, you are hilarious.
You're like a pretty little George lopez.
okay.
So my guest tonight is a really Serious actor and stuff like That -- And now I'm a serious actress And all that.
So this will be pretty cool.
Please give a big shell-o to Johnny depp! Okay.
So johnny depp, you play a Creepy guy a lot which I think Is pretty cool.
yes, I enjoy exploring some Darker characters.
yeah, me, too.
[ laughter .]
So I've been a fan of yours Going like, all the way back -- Like all the way back to Willy wonka.
[ laughter .]
And there's something that I've Always wanted to ask you.
Like how do you pick out which Movies you're going to do, and Like what's your favorite movie You ever did? And, like, what's your favorite Role you ever did? And like, what's your favorite Role you ever did? And like, who's your best Friend? And like, how tall are you? Like what eyeliner you wear? And like are you american? wow, that's kind of a lot to Process.
look out, depp.
My baby girl wants some answers.
She's coming to get them! dad.
you make me smile.
so johnny depp, like what is Your next movie that's coming Out? actually, tim burton and I Are working on a haunting Adaptation of "goodnight moon.
" yeah, that's pretty cool.
So, like, let's roll the clip.
oh, I didn't bring a clip.
no, it's a clip from my Movie.
I think you're going to like it 'cause it's like, really Dramatic.
Let's roll that clip! when you miss me, just think Of that old oak tree out in the Yard.
And remember my promise.
this is so sad because, like, You're my boyfriend.
And like, we just fell in love And stuff like that.
And it's, like, so dramatic Because you're going off to war And stuff like that.
And this is, like, so not cool.
So that was like pretty cool, Right? Okay.
Well, that's our show.
I thought it was pretty cool.
is that it? I flew here from the south of France.
oh, my god.
I love France.
Did you know that only like 5% Of french people go to the gym? Remember that? It was from my monologue.
It was pretty funny.
Well, thanks for watching, Y'all.
Come on back.
Let's hit it.
I got guests and a show and we're ready to go so I guess that's pretty Cool it's pretty cool cool [ cheers and applause .]
it's "what up with that", Back-to-school edition taking on The issues of the day with soul.
Tonight, academy award winner Morgan freeman! Academy award winner, Ernest borgnine! And from fleetwood mac, Lindsey buckingham! And here's your host, D'andre cole! hey I woke up this morning and I got out of bed had to head on Down to school 'cause the Teacher said everybody put on your thinking Caps 'cause we goin' back to School with "what's up with That?" ooh-e-e what's up with that What's up with that ooh-e-e what's up with that What's up with that readin' writin' so excitin' What's up with that homework, shop class you Failed I passed What's up with that What's up with that yeah [ cheers and applause .]
well, now.
Thank you for joining us on this Special edition of "what's up With that?" For all the kids going back to School.
We're gonna talk about students.
We gonna talk about teachers.
We gonna talk about -- secrets under the bleachers we Gonna get some learnin' earnin' yearnin turning concernin' Turnin', adjournin', Afterburnin' everybody sing ooh-ee what's Up with this what's up with that ooh-ee What's up with that what's up with that what's Up I said what's up what is up With that now if you're eating school Lunch better stay away from that Rectangular pizza you know why because it is Nasty yeah [ cheers and applause .]
okay.
We have some wonderful guests Joining us to talk about Education.
From the movie "red," academy Award winner morgan freeman and Ernest borgnine are here.
[ cheers and applause .]
And also, I promised my friend Lindsey buckingham, that he Could sing a song about Literacy.
It's going to be great, lindsey.
yeah it is.
[ applause .]
Okay then, now -- Mr.
Morgan freeman, you were in A movie about education called, "lean on me.
" that's right.
you played a principal, named Joe clark who was tough.
Is that what schools are lacking Today, toughness? well, no.
I don't think what our schools Lack toughness.
I think what all schools lack Today is empowerment.
[ cymbal beat starts .]
That's the first thing we need.
Well, I mean, empowerment begins With the choice of what kind of Education you're going to -- [ cymbal sounds .]
[ laughter .]
As I was saying, where it really Starts is with a solid family Foundation.
family foundation [ laughter .]
well, they call it homework Because it begins in the home.
it begins in the home yeah but some students don't have That solid foundation, you know.
So they have nothing to build On.
It's very sad.
it's so sad baby and I gots to Say ooh-ee what's up with that what's up With that ooh-ee what's up with that what's up With that Ladies and gentlemen, we're Going to slow this thing on Down.
Now here to promote reading is a Man that has top educational Folk experience.
Please welcome doo-doo man and Swingy.
[ cheers and applause .]
[ laughter .]
put a book in your face yeah Yeah yeah Put a book in your mouth in your mouth baby Yeah yeah yeah Put a book in your pants in your pants Yeah yeah yeah Ooh-ee what's up with that what's up with that ooh-ee what's up with that what's up with that Ladies and gentlemen, now for Something very special.
Please welcome a former teacher, Mary kay letourneau and her Student lover, vili fualaau.
go mary go vili you're married it's creepy she old you dumb it's nasty I love it man I want a teacher like That I want a teacher like that I want a teacher like that man I need a teacher like That ooh-e-e what's up with this what's up with that ooh-ee what's up with that What's up with that what's up I said what's up What is up with that I said what is up with that Now, if you're chewing gum in Class don't stick it under the Desk 'cause that poor old cleanin' Lady she's just gonna have to Clean it up Yeah.
[ cheers and applause .]
well, we out of time! [ laughter .]
But we learned so much about Education.
I want to thank my guests, Morgan freeman.
[ cheers and applause .]
93-year-old sex machine, Ernest borgnine.
yes sir! [ cheers and applause .]
but before we go, Lindsey buckingham, we're going To have to cut your song.
And I'm sorry, lindsey.
Come on lindsey, Don't be like that.
Come on.
There you go.
You're my best friend.
The only thing I can say is -- hey hey hey hey ooh-ee What's up with that what's up with that ooh-ee What's up with that what's up with that ooh-ee What's up with that next week, we return live With host robert deniro and Musical guest diddy dirty money.
shookus and miller beat us In every corporate basketball Game.
We have to win.
I hope mr.
Kerns gets here Soon so we can start warming up.
speaking of warming up, I Heard that sexy, new girl shanna Was going to be here.
really? Nice.
guys, really? Again with the shanna? yeah, again with the shanna.
can we please change the Subject? all right.
Who's going to make some baskets With me, huh, team? all right.
let's do this! mr.
Kerns, I bought you one Of those protein shakes you Like.
that's good.
When's shanna getting here? hi, everybody.
Hi.
I hope it's okay that I stopped By this hot gym.
yeah.
you know, it's so nice of you To cheer us on.
I mean, thanks for bringing the Pom-poms.
yeah.
yeah, and those red things, Too.
I'm a little nervous.
It's been a while since I really Shook them hard.
well there's no time like to Shake 'em.
okay.
[ laughter .]
hot mary moses.
I want to see her do that Under a sprinkler.
she is terrific.
she's a downright triple Hottie, y'all.
mr.
Kerns, do you want your Protein shake now? I'm going to need some energy Today.
I wish I had a protein shake.
here.
Take this.
oh, thank you.
Oh, it looks like all the stuff Is on the bottom.
How do I mix it up again? Just go like this? sure, try that.
that looks perfect.
that's perfect.
just keep going like this? Or maybe I could mix it up like This.
My own special way.
Here I go.
laughter .]
well that was different.
[ laughter .]
that was sexy to the power of Nothing.
[ light laughter .]
uh-oh, all that swallowing Gave me the burpies.
Excuse me.
that was so cute.
I think I can feel an even More tinier one.
[ burps .]
[ laughter .]
That was a lot bigger than I Thought.
[ laughter .]
don't worry.
It's natural.
for whom? [ laughter .]
mr.
Kerns, I forgot to tell You, I sent your Halloween party Invitations out a few days Early.
I did good, right? yeah, yeah, yeah.
Great.
Shanna, please come.
I love Halloween parties.
Ooh.
Ooh.
Ooh.
Ooh.
Last year, I went to a party, And I only wore cellophane and I Told everyone I was a leftover.
I'd love to see pictures of That.
you guys want to hear a story About it? yeah.
absolutely.
here it goes.
The party was in a barn with Animals and hay.
And we played old-timey games Like bobbing for apples.
So I went over to the barrel.
And I pulled my hair back.
And then I bent way over -- oh, yeah! -- I put my face in the Water.
And the funny thing is, I didn't Pull up an apple.
It was a big, round, squishy cow Dump.
And it was squishing around in My mouth.
And I chewed it.
And I was so embarrassed I just Swallowed it.
[ laughter .]
And then my breath smelled like Real bad stinky cow butt.
[ laughter .]
I think my brain just threw Up.
[ laughter .]
oh, come on, guys.
Things happen.
She did the best she could in a Weird situation.
guys, the game's going to Start soon don't you think you Should -- I have an idea.
Why don't I give you a little Cheer before you get started.
yes.
please.
Rah, rah, rah! And here's my favorite part, Okay? [ whistle blowing .]
Go, team! [ laughter .]
[ whistle blowing .]
[ laughter .]
I'm gonna go be by myself.
yeah, I'm going with you.
me too, as well.
thanks a lot, beth.
what? shanna, would you like to go Cheese sampling with me and then Talk about cheese afterwards? would I? I'm so excited.
When I get excited, I look like This.
Wait, that's not it.
I think this.
[ laughter .]
you are a starburst nebula.
so are you.
Whoops, when I do that cheer, I Get so hot.
I think I'd better take off my Sweater.
Okay.
okay.
[ laughter .]
too-da-loo.
oh, that woman just gives me The shivers.
[ cheers and applause .]
[ phone ringing .]
[ phone ringing .]
911.
What's your emergency? Hello? do you hear that? what? no.
Let's get this done.
okay.
this summer, helen mirren is Top dog in "rescue dogs 3d.
" I want your gun and your Leash.
You're off the case.
"rescue dogs 3d," sit stay Help is on the way.
what is the nature of your Emergency? Robbery, home invasion.
Where should we send help? Gps.
Please select your theater for "rescue dogs 3d.
" Please choose a showtime for "rescue dogs 3d.
" Thank you for your purchase of 99 child tickets.
no! searching contacts.
All 354 contacts e-mailed to Join you at "rescue dogs 3d.
" are you having a hunger Emergency? Let the "rescue dogs" help.
Two for one pizzas from pizza Hut.
Thanks for your order.
Be patient.
Help is on the way.
great.
What? No.
you ordered pizza hut? I got your "rescue dogs" snack Pack.
what? Let's shoot this mother [ beep .]
[ gunfire .]
oh! hey! Hey! wait, don't shoot.
I didn't see anything.
Just take whatever you want.
sorry, no witnesses.
[ dog barking .]
[ laughter .]
thanks rescue dogs.
ladies and gentlemen, Kanye west.
[ cheers and applause .]
I'm living In the 21st century Doing something mean to it Do it better than anybody you ever seen do it Screams from the haters Got a nice ring to it I guess every superhero need his theme music no one man should Have all that power The clock's ticking I just count the hours stop tripping I'm tripping off the power 21st century schizoid man the system broken The schools closed The prisons open We ain't got nothing to lose everybody, we rolling Huh? everybody, we rolling With some light-skinned girls And some kelly rowlands In this white man's world we the ones chosen So goodnight, cruel world I see you in the morning huh? I see you in the morning this Is way too much I need a moment no one man should have all That power The clock's ticking I just count the hours stop tripping I'm tripping off the power 'til then, the world's ours 21st century schizoid man the brown hero, live from Ground zero Machine gun flow, made her get a Ross perot and this is Disestablishmentarianism with my night goggles on, got Military vision and it's still a very Christian way to think about Livin' when you prayin' for freedom 'cause your mind been in Prison 'cause they tryin' to control Every single big decision you ain't effin' the system, Then why the eff is you Livin'? look, dawg, you can cop Whatever suits you on three-piece, cuff links and The accouterments they been feedin' us fish Without the nutrients so I'm back with another hit To let the truth be known and your boy still fresh with The gucci on them italians sure know how to Make what the moodies want and they really can't take What doobie on but I be on the same thing 'til you prove me wrong no one man should Have all that power The clock's ticking I just count the hours stop tripping I'm tripping off the power 'til, the world's ours and then they And then they And then they And then they 21st century schizoid man colin powells, austin powers Lost in translation With a whole effing nation They say I was the abomination Of obama's nation Well, that's a pretty bad way To start the conversation at the end of the day I'm killing this I know damn well Y'all feeling this I don't need you Baby I'm on my own I ain't gotta trip Who you going home with? how 'ye doing? Well, I'm surviving I was drinking earlier Now I'm driving where the bad Where ya hiding? I got the power Make your life so exciting so exciting So exciting So exciting I got the power make your life so exciting I got the power make your life so exciting now this would Be a beautiful death Jumping out the window Letting everything go letting everything go Now this would Be a beautiful death Jumping out the window letting everything go Letting everything go Now this would Be a beautiful death jumping out the window letting Everything go Letting everything go 21st century schizoid man [ laughter .]
"weekend update" with seth Meyers.
[ cheers and applause .]
I'm seth meyers, and here are Tonight's top stories.
north korean leader kim Jong-il on Monday promoted his Son, kim jong-un to the rank of General.
A sign that he will succeed his Father as the country's ruler, Much to the chagrin of kim Jong-il's other son, Jeb jong-ill.
on Friday, the white house Released rahm emanuel back into The wild.
[ laughter .]
Speculation is emanuel is Returning to chicago to run for Mayor.
There are many questions facing His campaign, the biggest being, Can he kiss a baby without it Bursting into flames? [ laughter .]
cnn fired newsman Rick sanchez Friday one day After he called jon stewart a Bigot and suggested that cnn is Controlled by jews.
In the end, sanchez was done in By his achilles heel, his mouth.
[ light laughter .]
in an effort to drum up Support for democratic Candidates, president obama has Been traveling the country and Engaging voters in a series of Backyard chats.
He was going to do front yard Chats, but then you get the Foreclosure sign in the Pictures.
[ applause .]
los angeles was hit with Record-breaking heat on Monday With temperatures reaching 113 Degrees.
It was so hot, even governor Schwarzenegger couldn't take it.
well, there was a lot of big News this summer.
But here again with the Secondhand news is our Secondhand news correspondent, Anthony crispino.
hey, how you doin' seth? Hey, it's good to be back.
Hey, did you lose weight? maybe a little.
I'm just messing with you.
Come on seth.
So anyway, you hear about this Freakin' mess at ground zero? yeah, that's been in the news A lot.
yeah.
Because apparently, you know, Muslanic guys, you know, they Want to show that jim carrey Movie "the mask" at ground zero.
It's a freakin' disgrace.
[ laughter .]
no, no I think you're Thinking about the mosque.
I'm pretty sure it was "the Mask," seth.
That's why this preacher down in Florida, he's going to burn all These koreans.
[ laughter .]
I guess koreans really love jim Carrey.
I don't know.
who told you that? who told me that? my hot dog guy fassook.
well fassook is misinformed.
okay, all right.
So uhh -- who are you looking for? there's people seth.
So you hear about this thing With lebron james? Apparently next year he's going To be on "miami vice.
" no.
yeah.
True story.
True story.
no, he's not.
you know, everyone thought, You know -- He was going to be on the Cleveland show.
But you know, he wasn't cartoony Enough, you know.
So he's going to be on "miami Vice" with freakin' dwyane wade From "a different world.
" It's true, true story.
where did you hear that? where did I hear that? Freakin' louie from over at the Thing.
okay, well, the thing? he's always near that thing.
louie doesn't sound very Reliable.
okay.
Alright.
So, uh -- there's nobody under there.
there's nobody under there? You never know.
So you hear about this? This obama? Yeah.
He's going to repeal the bush Haircuts.
Yeah.
Apparently rich people, they Can't get haircuts no more.
it's not haircuts, it's tax Cuts.
no, it was definitely Haircuts, seth.
Because this obama, turns out He's a socialite.
Yeah.
[ laughter .]
He can't run the country because He's going to fancy parties all The time.
where did you hear these Things? well a little birdie told me, Seth.
Okay.
A little birdie named skank who Sells me bootleg dvds.
ok.
Alright.
Any other news this summer? uh, lets see.
You know who used the "n" word? who? debbie gibson.
no.
what else? You know what they found in Paris hilton's purse? what? bedbugs.
no.
[ laughter .]
and tiger woods.
He finally got divorced from Ellen degeneres.
That was never going to work.
That was never going to work Because she's you know, Lebanese.
anthony crispino, everybody.
there's something under There, be careful.
[ applause .]
it was revealed Wednesday That howard stern's studio in New york city was infested with Bedbugs last week.
"man, it is disgusting in here," Said the bedbugs.
Germany will finally pay off the Last of the $94 million in Reparations it owed for world War I.
Said a german accountant, "okay, Zat is done, vat's next? Oh -- right.
" [ laughter .]
Insiders are saying that David hasselhoff was a mess Behind the scenes on "dancing With the stars.
" You know who else is saying That? Outsiders.
[ laughter .]
It was announced that after 34 years in print, the comic Strip "cathy" would end its run.
Here now to address the sadness Is the star of that comic and The apple of my eye, cathy.
[ applause .]
hi! so cathy, cathy.
Lovely, beautiful cathy, 34 years.
What a great run.
seth, the only runs I know About are the ones in my Pantyhose.
My thighs want out! Ah! [ laughter .]
oh, cathy.
So tell me cathy what are you Going to do with all your new Free time? I'm finally going to live it Up.
First item, go to a nude beach.
you're daring enough to Skinny dip.
I don't skinny dip, seth.
I fanny float.
Ack! [ laughter .]
One time I fell asleep on the Sand.
When I woke up, I was in the Tank at seaworld.
Embarrassment splotches! [ laughter .]
oh, I am going to miss your Wit.
oh, tiny hearts, tiny hearts, Tiny hearts.
cathy, on a serious note, a Lot of women are really going to Miss you.
Do you have any last word of Advice for all your fans? I do.
Ladies, age is just a number.
And mine's plus size, brownies! no one does it like you, Cathy.
And in honor of your last week, We at "weekend update" have Prepared a going-away tribute to All our great "cathy" memories.
Let's take a look.
[ laughter and applause .]
yeah, that pretty much sums It up.
You know, seth, now that I'm Leaving, maybe you and I could Finally -- oh, I don't think so, cathy.
are you sure? Once you go "ack," you never go Back.
[ laughter .]
I'll consider it.
sweat drops, hot flash, urban Mondays! Ack! retiring super star cathy, Everyone! [ cheers and applause .]
it was announced Wednesday Nicole "snooki" polizzi will Write a brook based on her Experiences on the reality show, "the jersey shore.
" Possible titles include "eat, Spray, love.
" "sisterhood of the not wearing Any panties" And "the color orange.
" This week marks the 50th Anniversary of "the Flintstones.
" The seminal animated series that Inspired, among other things, The creationist movement.
This weekend bbc america will Begin airing episodes of the British version of "law & Order.
" Called "law & order, uk.
" It's like the regular "law & Order.
" Except instead of the Traditional -- They use -- A man in colorado was arrested After he wounded a police Officer by shooting him in the Arm because he thought the cop Was a zombie.
Though in the man's defense, the Cop did say, "drop your gun and Put your hands above your Delicious brains.
" [ laughter .]
For "weekend update," I'm seth Meyers.
Good night! you're watching the game show Network.
Up next "kid smartz.
" it's time to play "kid Smartz.
" The quiz show for kids with your Host, bobby pauth.
hey! [ applause .]
Hello, everybody.
I'm bobby pauth.
We have a great show for you, And our brand-new sponsor, st.
Angie's crinkle-cut fries.
The crinkles holds the cheese.
Now, let's meet today's Kid-testants.
Hey there.
Aren't you a cutie pie? thanks.
what's your name? vickie.
oh and how old are you, Vickie? I'm 10.
oh, you're getting all grown Up, aren't you? sure am.
well, I wish you a lot of Luck in today's game.
thank you.
all right.
Let's move on to our next Kid-testant.
Hi, there.
What's your name? sandy.
sandy.
Well, that's a pretty name.
How old are you? I'm 11.
oh, 11.
So you're just a little bit Older than the other girl here.
Huh? Give me a kiss.
Oh, you've made my day, sandy.
Next up we have roger.
Can I have a kiss? yeah.
[ laughter .]
my, my, my.
What a great group we have Today.
Can I have another kiss? yeah.
[ laughter .]
okay.
You kids are on your way to Winning a lot of money.
Now we have one last kid-testant To meet.
A sweet little girl from the Detroit area.
And what is your name? it's jeanelle.
Go away.
[ laughter .]
why? you know why.
[ laughter .]
jeanelle, what's wrong? a whole lot of stuff.
All of it! jeanelle, I have been doing This show for 15 years, and Everybody loves it.
All game show hosts kiss their Contestants.
Besides, you might win $200! at what cost? okay, how about a hug Instead? how about you go hug a weed Whacker! [ laughter .]
roger, do you want to give me Jeanelle's hug? yeah.
and how about an end of hug Kiss? yeah.
[ laughter .]
great job, kids.
Are you ready to play? yeah! let's play "kid smartz.
" Here we go.
Okay, here's your first Question.
Which one of these is not one of Columbus's ships.
Is it the "nina"? The "pinta"? The "santa maria"? Or the "de charles"? Yes, roger? the "nina.
" [ buzzer sound .]
oh, I'm sorry, roger.
That is incorrect.
Oh, roger.
Are you upset? yeah.
aw! Well, you know, you tried your Best.
[ laughter .]
You feel better now? almost.
[ laughter .]
there we go.
Now, does anybody else know the Correct answer? Yes, jeanelle.
it's the "de charles.
" Stay back, dummy! [ laughter .]
congratulations, jeanelle.
That is correct.
You've just won $200.
stay away! I just want to give you your Check and maybe a little kiss.
turn around! [ laughter .]
jeanelle, this is a Congratulations kiss.
We do this.
I hope you're not allergic to Nuts.
why? because I'm going to kick Yours up into your throat! [ laughter .]
oh, you're a pistol.
Okay.
We're going to take a little Break.
But when we come back, I'm going To get that kiss.
kiss the ground, freak-a-doo! [ laughter .]
Let me see this check.
This check better not balance.
we'll be right back.
good evening, everybody.
Hello.
Thank you all for coming.
Are you ready, dan? I'm always ready.
Always ready for such a lovely Audience.
They look so beautiful tonight.
Two, three.
I sent a bottle of sparkling Apple juice to your house did you get it? I sent a bottle of sparkling Apple juice to your house did you get it? I sent a bottle of sparkling Apple juice to your house did you get it? oh, remember this song? I sent a bottle of sparkling Apple juice to your house did you get it? Thank you all so much for coming Tonight.
It means so much to me and my Brother, jeffrey.
it sure does.
can you all see us? The people in the back? Is that -- Can we --? turn the house lights up a Little, we want to see the Crowd.
look at that.
There are not that many people Here tonight.
no.
This is what professional Singers describe as "lightly Attended.
" There are pockets of people.
I see a nice little crowd right Over there.
Hello.
It's about quality not quantity.
still, a few more people Would have been nice.
It seems like whole sections are Empty.
whole sections.
But that's okay.
This is our hometown.
And you know what? We love you! I sent a bottle of sparkling Apple juice to your house did you get it? I sent a bottle of sparkling Apple juice to your house did you get it? you guys remember that song? I know, we sure do.
its our only hit song, isn't That amazing? oh.
it came out in 1979.
god are we that old already? I still look the same don't I? no comment on that one.
Sounds so lovely, yeah.
So I'd like to say -- I sent a bottle of sparkling Apple juice to your house did you get it? this song hit the top 200 on The minnesota charts, how about That? How about that? but seeing our name up there, On "the bjelland brothers" Printed local music trade Magazine -- Oh, we were shocked.
Especially since the song was Written fairly quickly, believe It or not.
it's true.
You see, I had sent a bottle of Sparkling apple juice to a woman I was very interested in.
very interested.
and I didn't hear back from Her as to whether or not she got It.
not a word.
I was very depressed for About a year until one day, I Walked out into my garage and Saw a bottle of sparkling apple Juice sitting underneath a table Saw.
It turns out I forgot to send It.
[ laughter .]
he's very forgetful.
there are a lot of wrapped Presents sitting out in his Garage.
but you know something People? We did got this whole beautiful Song out of this experience.
Didn't we? we did.
choreography.
I sent a bottle of sparkling Apple juice to your house did you get it? say hello to our band.
They've been working so hard on This three-day tour.
yeah we have.
Thank you, yes.
oh, we lost a lot of money on This tour.
A lot of money.
that's right, we bought two Buses.
Do you know how much a bus Costs? You know, we could have rented Them but -- I was just being show-offy in Front of my new assistant.
So, so dumb.
[ laughter .]
we also hired a chef.
stupid.
you guys look like a very Good crowd.
do you guys want to sing Along? oh, perfect idea.
bring it down.
Bring the music down just a Little bit, guys.
I sent a -- -- Apple juice to your -- did you -- I sent a -- to your house Did you get it? once again, kanye west Featuring pusha t.
[ cheers and applause .]
look at you look at you look At you look at you ladies and Gentlemen ladies and gentlemen look at you look at you look At you look at you and I want To show you how you all look Like beautiful stars tonight look at you look at you look At you look at you look at you look at you look At you look at you and I want to show you how you All look like beautiful stars Tonight and I always find, yeah I Always find something wrong you Been putting up with my -- Just way too long I'm so gifted at finding what I don't like the most so I think It's time for us to have a Toast let's have a toast for the Douchebags let's have a toast For the -- let's have a toast for the Scumbags every one of them that I know let's have a toast to the jerkoffs that'll never Take work off baby, I got a plan Run away fast as you can she find pictures in my email I sent this girl a picture of My -- I don't know what it is with females but I'm not too good at that, hey! See, I could have me a good girl and still be Addicted to them hood rats and I Just blame everything on you at least you Know that's what I'm good at and I always find and I always find yeah I Always find something wrong you Been putting up with my -- just way too long I'm so Gifted at finding what I don't Like the most so I think it's Time for us to have a toast let's Have a toast for the douchebags Let's have a toast for the -- Let's have a toast for the Scumbags every one of them that I know let's have a toast To the jerkoffs that'll never Take work off baby, I got a plan run away Fast as you can look at you look At you look at you look at you look At you look at you look at you look at you look At you look at you and I want to show you how you All look like beautiful stars Tonight 24/7, 365 jenny stays on my Mind I did it, all right, all Right I admit it now pick your next move you Could leave or live with it Ichabod crane with that Lamborghini top off split and go where? Back to wearing knockoffs, huh? Knock it off neiman's, shop it Off let's talk over mai tais Waitress, top it off --posers Wanna fly in your freddy Loafers you can't blame 'em they ain't Never seen versace sofas every Bag, every blouse every bracelet comes with a Price tag baby, face it you Should leave if you can't accept the basics plenty Of those in the baller-player's Matrix invisibly set the rolex is faceless I'm just Young, rich and tasteless look at you look at you look At you look at you and I always find something Wrong even though it's been way too Long I'm so gifted at finding what I Don't like the most so I think it's time for us to Have a toast let's have a toast For the douchebags Let's have a toast for the -- let's have a toast for the Scumbags every one of them that I know let's have a toast for the jerkoffs that'll never Take work off baby, I got a plan Run away fast as you can let's have a toast for the Douchebags let's take a toast For the -- Let's take a toast for the let's take a toast for the Scumbags everyone of them that I Know let's have a toast for The jerkoffs that'll never take Work off baby, I got a plan run away Fast as you can [ cheers and applause .]
pegasus pegasus I like your Shape that's cause I drew you -- henry! Pegasus looks great.
thanks, dad.
hey, can I have a talk with You for a minute, son? okay.
now, I know that the fifth Grade can be rough.
Your mom tells me you're getting Picked on by some bullies.
yeah.
Today they somehow fit me into My own backpack.
well, you're way small.
I'm way small.
Yeah, definitely the smallest Boy.
Probably smaller than all but a Couple girls.
but that's okay.
Because I'm going to teach you How to defend yourself.
You know why? because you were a green Beret? because I was a green beret, And because I love you.
All right, henry.
Feet steady.
Hands up.
Eyes on the target.
And come at me.
okay.
[ punching sound .]
Wow! all right.
ow, dad.
all right, champ.
You're all right.
Now, what happened there? yeah, let's talk about it.
I got my butt handed to me right Off the bat.
what do you think you did Wrong? I'll be honest.
I went in with little to no Strategy.
uh-huh.
then there was the whole Punch in the face moment.
And it was pretty much just Lights out from there.
yeah.
Yeah, that's right, henry.
At what point did you lose the Upper hand? I'd say from the get-go and Then pretty much steadily Throughout.
and what are you going to do Right now? well, my suggestion is that We both step away from this for About an hour, maybe process it.
And that way I can get back to My mural.
or you can come at me even Harder.
okay.
now, what are you? small.
what do you want to be? strong.
how are you going to do that? I'm going to fight and win.
now come at me! okay.
Ow.
Ow.
Dad, ow.
oh, henry, are you okay? yes.
But ow.
now, what happened there, Champ? let's see.
Once again, I got absolutely Dominated.
yeah, you got absolutely Dominated.
Now, why do you let me do that? I was focused on staying on The balls of my feet.
So that all checked out.
But then it was punch this the Face time, and I just had no Answer for that.
henry, you've got to keep Your arms up.
right.
Again, dad, I feel like Everything you're saying makes Perfect sense on paper.
But when I'm actually in the Fight -- it's a lot harder.
it's a lot harder, yeah.
I get tired, like, almost Immediately.
And if I'm being completely Honest, there are moments during The fights where I wish I was Doing anything else.
And, again, there's just a whole Lot of thinking about my mural.
oh.
And it shows.
Now, I need to hear it again.
What are you? small.
what do you want to be? a mural artist.
henry.
strong.
okay.
What should you do with fear? have less of it.
right! Right! Right! So come on! Do this! Knock me out! okay.
Uh! now, henry, why did you let Me get you with a choke hold? you're asking me to take Myself out of the situation, but I'm still very much in it.
Although, could you let go? Because I think my face is Starting to die.
oh, oh.
boys, dinner's ready.
oh, good.
we'll be up in a minute.
okay.
Ready? All right, son.
What happened there, henry? I don't know.
Looking back, I'm very proud of My performance.
I did everything right.
And in the end it just came down To superior size and strength.
well, obviously, this is Going to take some time, but I've got to say, you are Improving crazy fast.
yeah.
I'm improving crazy fast.
and I love you, buddy.
But you're way small.
I'm way small.
[ cheers and applause .]
traveling can be tough, Especially if you find it hard To sleep in a strange room.
You've tried white noise Machines.
But they just don't work.
That's why sharper image created The isleep pro.
The isleep pro not only has a Setting for white noise but also One for black noise.
The soothing sounds you're used To.
Sounds like muffled tyler perry Sitcoms.
why'd you come here? Why'd you come here? I wish that fool would come and Help.
an old lady complaining about Foot problems through the wall.
oh, lord geez, I can't walk On it no more.
bass.
Domestic arguments.
I told you, I don't know why! you lied! and the movie, "Friday.
" you think he's playing with You? man, that fool ain't going to Do nothing.
so you can get the rest you Need.
And be ready to take on the World.
Isleep pro.
Get the sleep you need.
[ cheers and applause .]
oh, thank you to kanye west! [ cheers and applause .]
Pusha t.
Ernest borgnine.
Thank you, lorne michaels.
And the greatest cast -- I had the best week of my life! I love you! Thank you all!
[ applause .]
thank you.
Thank you.
Hello.
Good morning.
Today my administration says Good-bye ta friend, a fighter, A warrior, a man you want in Your corner when the going gets Rough.
A man who won't take "no" for an Answer.
A man who has twisted a few arms And poked a few chests.
A man who knows no fear, but Knows how to make others afraid.
You know him as rahm emanuel, But to me, he will always be Rahmbo.
[ laughter .]
Rahm will be replaced as white House chief of staff by Peter rouse.
[ laughter .]
Pete hails from connecticut and Is a lover of cats.
[ laughter .]
Come on back, pete.
Give a wave, buddy.
Nothing to be afraid of.
But enough about pete.
Today belongs to rahm.
Rahm.
thank you, mr.
President.
As the president reminded us Just now, I do have a certain Reputation amongst my colleagues And the administration and Congress.
Now, has my manner sometimes Been a bit aggressive? Probably.
Could my personality be fairly Described as abrasive? Yes, it could.
Do I lack even basic social Skills? Absolutely.
[ laughter .]
Does a little bit of me go a Long way? Indeed, it does.
In my job, have I at times used Ugly, strong-arm methods to get Support for this president's Agenda? Guilty as charged.
But remember, there's a big Difference between arguing a Point passionately and Committing actual physical Violence.
And that's a difference I Completely lost sight of.
Not in every case, but almost.
And for that, I am truly very Sorry.
Now, pete, come here.
Come here buddy.
If there's one piece of advice That I can give to you, it's This.
Everyone in washington is trying To kill you.
All the time! And it's kill or be killed.
Are you ready to kill a man, Pete? Are you ready to choke a man Over a vote? I don't think so.
'cause, yeah? 'cause this is prison rules now, Baby.
Okay? On the first day, you've got to Walk up to the biggest Congressman you can find and Say, "nice to meet you.
" And when he goes to shake your Hand, you stab him in the neck With a pencil.
And then you scream for everyone To hear, "I am pete rouse! But you can call me king f'ing Kong! If any of you ladies got a Problem with that, I will fight You in the men's room.
" Are you ready to be king kong, Pete? no.
[ laughter .]
are you ready to let the part Of you that's human die? no, I don't think I want this Job anymore.
you can't cry, buddy.
Okay? If you cry, it's over.
If you cry, it's shawshank.
Here.
I want you to have this.
It's a razor blade.
Keep it in your mouth.
Hopefully you'll never have to Use it, but it's still nice to Feel the metal against your Gums.
I want to go home! shh.
You have no home now.
Home is for people.
But you? You're a monster.
Today I am leaving the hardest And the best job I've ever had.
Now, did I make a difference? I hope so.
I do know one thing for certain.
I made a lot of friends.
What's that? I didn't? Really? [ laughter .]
No friends at all? Right.
Because of my personality.
Well, there's not much more else To say.
I want once again to thank the President for this opportunity And to wish him good luck Dealing with the new angry Republican majorities in Congress.
On that score, I'm sure pete Will do just fine.
[ laughter .]
And one last thing -- Live from new york, it's Saturday night! [ cheers and applause .]
announcer: It's "Saturday Night live"! With fred armisen, Abby elliott, Bill hader, Seth meyers, Bobby moynihan, Andy samberg, Jason sudeikis, Kenan thompson, Kristin wiig, Featuring -- Vanessa bayer, Paul brittain, Taran killam, Nasim pedrad, Jay pharaoh, Musical guest, kanye west, And your host, bryan cranston.
Ladies and gentlemen, Bryan cranston! [ cheers and applause .]
thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
Thank you so much.
It's great to be here hosting "Saturday night live.
" Whoo! I have to admit that I'm a Little nervous to be on this Stage.
I've never done a show like this Before.
But I have done almost every Other type of show.
I've been a working actor in Television and film for almost 30 years now, and I've played Lots of different types of Roles.
Well here's a photo of me from My series "breaking bad.
" [ cheers and applause .]
And before that, I was on "malcolm in the middle.
" [ cheers and applause .]
And here I am in the classic Film "the joy luck club.
" [ laughter .]
As I mentioned, I'm on the amc Series "breaking bad.
" [ cheers and applause .]
Thank you.
I play a chemistry teacher who Makes crystal methamphetamine.
The whole show is about meth so It's nice to get away from all That and come to new york city Where you can still find good Old-fashioned crack.
Even though I've been very lucky Enough to have won some awards For "breaking bad," I'm still Not a household name.
Not a household name, but I Think -- I think that feeling is Going to -- it's about to change Right now.
Music! there is a man there is a man a certain man a certain man whose very name means Entertain and he'll do all he Can what is that name it's byron cramdon no, no.
Wait.
No, no.
It's bryan cranston.
Cranston.
cramson.
no, no, no.
Cran -- cran -- -- ston.
-- ston.
great.
you may not know him yet but Soon you'll be his biggest fan He played a dentist he played a dentist he played a dad he played a dad but he is best when making Meth over on "breaking bad and if you're not convinced oh Boy, just listen to this! he'll make you laugh ha, ha, ha he'll make you cry wah wah wah wah he's got a style that's Versatile that you cannot deny so what's his name it's bryan cranston it's the name you cannot Forget even if you tried it's b-r-I that's b-r-y he's bryan cranston bryan cranston b-r-y-a-n c-r-a-n-s-t-o-n bryan cranston he's dancing [ cheers and applause .]
we're gonna have a great show For you tonight! Kanye west is here! So stick around.
We'll be right back with more Stuff! I was at the club with some Friends.
That's when it happened.
This burning sensation.
indigestion.
I was ready to go home.
But then I heard about Pepto-bismol ice.
The only antacid that's also a Malt liquor.
pepto-bismol ice.
just one sip and you'll taste The relief.
Pepto-bismol ice gives you Relief from your stomach pain And fills your brain with a Low-grade alcohol.
Pepto-bismol ice got me off the Toilet and onto the dance floor.
Plus it's got that signature Pink color that guys love.
pepto-bismol ice.
it kills the bacteria that Causes diarrhea.
nice.
pepto-bismol ice.
Keep the party out of your Pants.
[ cheers and applause .]
hey, y'all.
It's "the miley cyrus show" with Me, miley cyrus.
I got guests and a show and I'm ready to go so I guess that's pretty Cool it's pretty cool [ cheers and applause .]
shello.
It's miley y'all.
So this is like my show where I, Like, talk to people who are Pretty cool.
And well I talk about things I Think are pretty cool.
And yeah, it's pretty cool.
Heading up the miley cyrus band Over here, we've got my dad, Billy ray cyrus.
miley, you are an absolute Sunshine.
It's just nuts how special you Are.
You are like god's gift.
okay, dad.
Thank you.
Okay.
So now I'm going to do, like, my Comedy monologue.
So I don't know if y'all saw, But, like, there's a study that, Like, only 5% of french people Go to the gym.
So I thought that was pretty Funny because, like, 5% -- That's a pretty small number of People going to the gym.
[ laughter .]
So that's my monologue.
I thought it was pretty funny.
oh, baby, you are hilarious.
You're like a pretty little George lopez.
okay.
So my guest tonight is a really Serious actor and stuff like That -- And now I'm a serious actress And all that.
So this will be pretty cool.
Please give a big shell-o to Johnny depp! Okay.
So johnny depp, you play a Creepy guy a lot which I think Is pretty cool.
yes, I enjoy exploring some Darker characters.
yeah, me, too.
[ laughter .]
So I've been a fan of yours Going like, all the way back -- Like all the way back to Willy wonka.
[ laughter .]
And there's something that I've Always wanted to ask you.
Like how do you pick out which Movies you're going to do, and Like what's your favorite movie You ever did? And, like, what's your favorite Role you ever did? And like, what's your favorite Role you ever did? And like, who's your best Friend? And like, how tall are you? Like what eyeliner you wear? And like are you american? wow, that's kind of a lot to Process.
look out, depp.
My baby girl wants some answers.
She's coming to get them! dad.
you make me smile.
so johnny depp, like what is Your next movie that's coming Out? actually, tim burton and I Are working on a haunting Adaptation of "goodnight moon.
" yeah, that's pretty cool.
So, like, let's roll the clip.
oh, I didn't bring a clip.
no, it's a clip from my Movie.
I think you're going to like it 'cause it's like, really Dramatic.
Let's roll that clip! when you miss me, just think Of that old oak tree out in the Yard.
And remember my promise.
this is so sad because, like, You're my boyfriend.
And like, we just fell in love And stuff like that.
And it's, like, so dramatic Because you're going off to war And stuff like that.
And this is, like, so not cool.
So that was like pretty cool, Right? Okay.
Well, that's our show.
I thought it was pretty cool.
is that it? I flew here from the south of France.
oh, my god.
I love France.
Did you know that only like 5% Of french people go to the gym? Remember that? It was from my monologue.
It was pretty funny.
Well, thanks for watching, Y'all.
Come on back.
Let's hit it.
I got guests and a show and we're ready to go so I guess that's pretty Cool it's pretty cool cool [ cheers and applause .]
it's "what up with that", Back-to-school edition taking on The issues of the day with soul.
Tonight, academy award winner Morgan freeman! Academy award winner, Ernest borgnine! And from fleetwood mac, Lindsey buckingham! And here's your host, D'andre cole! hey I woke up this morning and I got out of bed had to head on Down to school 'cause the Teacher said everybody put on your thinking Caps 'cause we goin' back to School with "what's up with That?" ooh-e-e what's up with that What's up with that ooh-e-e what's up with that What's up with that readin' writin' so excitin' What's up with that homework, shop class you Failed I passed What's up with that What's up with that yeah [ cheers and applause .]
well, now.
Thank you for joining us on this Special edition of "what's up With that?" For all the kids going back to School.
We're gonna talk about students.
We gonna talk about teachers.
We gonna talk about -- secrets under the bleachers we Gonna get some learnin' earnin' yearnin turning concernin' Turnin', adjournin', Afterburnin' everybody sing ooh-ee what's Up with this what's up with that ooh-ee What's up with that what's up with that what's Up I said what's up what is up With that now if you're eating school Lunch better stay away from that Rectangular pizza you know why because it is Nasty yeah [ cheers and applause .]
okay.
We have some wonderful guests Joining us to talk about Education.
From the movie "red," academy Award winner morgan freeman and Ernest borgnine are here.
[ cheers and applause .]
And also, I promised my friend Lindsey buckingham, that he Could sing a song about Literacy.
It's going to be great, lindsey.
yeah it is.
[ applause .]
Okay then, now -- Mr.
Morgan freeman, you were in A movie about education called, "lean on me.
" that's right.
you played a principal, named Joe clark who was tough.
Is that what schools are lacking Today, toughness? well, no.
I don't think what our schools Lack toughness.
I think what all schools lack Today is empowerment.
[ cymbal beat starts .]
That's the first thing we need.
Well, I mean, empowerment begins With the choice of what kind of Education you're going to -- [ cymbal sounds .]
[ laughter .]
As I was saying, where it really Starts is with a solid family Foundation.
family foundation [ laughter .]
well, they call it homework Because it begins in the home.
it begins in the home yeah but some students don't have That solid foundation, you know.
So they have nothing to build On.
It's very sad.
it's so sad baby and I gots to Say ooh-ee what's up with that what's up With that ooh-ee what's up with that what's up With that Ladies and gentlemen, we're Going to slow this thing on Down.
Now here to promote reading is a Man that has top educational Folk experience.
Please welcome doo-doo man and Swingy.
[ cheers and applause .]
[ laughter .]
put a book in your face yeah Yeah yeah Put a book in your mouth in your mouth baby Yeah yeah yeah Put a book in your pants in your pants Yeah yeah yeah Ooh-ee what's up with that what's up with that ooh-ee what's up with that what's up with that Ladies and gentlemen, now for Something very special.
Please welcome a former teacher, Mary kay letourneau and her Student lover, vili fualaau.
go mary go vili you're married it's creepy she old you dumb it's nasty I love it man I want a teacher like That I want a teacher like that I want a teacher like that man I need a teacher like That ooh-e-e what's up with this what's up with that ooh-ee what's up with that What's up with that what's up I said what's up What is up with that I said what is up with that Now, if you're chewing gum in Class don't stick it under the Desk 'cause that poor old cleanin' Lady she's just gonna have to Clean it up Yeah.
[ cheers and applause .]
well, we out of time! [ laughter .]
But we learned so much about Education.
I want to thank my guests, Morgan freeman.
[ cheers and applause .]
93-year-old sex machine, Ernest borgnine.
yes sir! [ cheers and applause .]
but before we go, Lindsey buckingham, we're going To have to cut your song.
And I'm sorry, lindsey.
Come on lindsey, Don't be like that.
Come on.
There you go.
You're my best friend.
The only thing I can say is -- hey hey hey hey ooh-ee What's up with that what's up with that ooh-ee What's up with that what's up with that ooh-ee What's up with that next week, we return live With host robert deniro and Musical guest diddy dirty money.
shookus and miller beat us In every corporate basketball Game.
We have to win.
I hope mr.
Kerns gets here Soon so we can start warming up.
speaking of warming up, I Heard that sexy, new girl shanna Was going to be here.
really? Nice.
guys, really? Again with the shanna? yeah, again with the shanna.
can we please change the Subject? all right.
Who's going to make some baskets With me, huh, team? all right.
let's do this! mr.
Kerns, I bought you one Of those protein shakes you Like.
that's good.
When's shanna getting here? hi, everybody.
Hi.
I hope it's okay that I stopped By this hot gym.
yeah.
you know, it's so nice of you To cheer us on.
I mean, thanks for bringing the Pom-poms.
yeah.
yeah, and those red things, Too.
I'm a little nervous.
It's been a while since I really Shook them hard.
well there's no time like to Shake 'em.
okay.
[ laughter .]
hot mary moses.
I want to see her do that Under a sprinkler.
she is terrific.
she's a downright triple Hottie, y'all.
mr.
Kerns, do you want your Protein shake now? I'm going to need some energy Today.
I wish I had a protein shake.
here.
Take this.
oh, thank you.
Oh, it looks like all the stuff Is on the bottom.
How do I mix it up again? Just go like this? sure, try that.
that looks perfect.
that's perfect.
just keep going like this? Or maybe I could mix it up like This.
My own special way.
Here I go.
laughter .]
well that was different.
[ laughter .]
that was sexy to the power of Nothing.
[ light laughter .]
uh-oh, all that swallowing Gave me the burpies.
Excuse me.
that was so cute.
I think I can feel an even More tinier one.
[ burps .]
[ laughter .]
That was a lot bigger than I Thought.
[ laughter .]
don't worry.
It's natural.
for whom? [ laughter .]
mr.
Kerns, I forgot to tell You, I sent your Halloween party Invitations out a few days Early.
I did good, right? yeah, yeah, yeah.
Great.
Shanna, please come.
I love Halloween parties.
Ooh.
Ooh.
Ooh.
Ooh.
Last year, I went to a party, And I only wore cellophane and I Told everyone I was a leftover.
I'd love to see pictures of That.
you guys want to hear a story About it? yeah.
absolutely.
here it goes.
The party was in a barn with Animals and hay.
And we played old-timey games Like bobbing for apples.
So I went over to the barrel.
And I pulled my hair back.
And then I bent way over -- oh, yeah! -- I put my face in the Water.
And the funny thing is, I didn't Pull up an apple.
It was a big, round, squishy cow Dump.
And it was squishing around in My mouth.
And I chewed it.
And I was so embarrassed I just Swallowed it.
[ laughter .]
And then my breath smelled like Real bad stinky cow butt.
[ laughter .]
I think my brain just threw Up.
[ laughter .]
oh, come on, guys.
Things happen.
She did the best she could in a Weird situation.
guys, the game's going to Start soon don't you think you Should -- I have an idea.
Why don't I give you a little Cheer before you get started.
yes.
please.
Rah, rah, rah! And here's my favorite part, Okay? [ whistle blowing .]
Go, team! [ laughter .]
[ whistle blowing .]
[ laughter .]
I'm gonna go be by myself.
yeah, I'm going with you.
me too, as well.
thanks a lot, beth.
what? shanna, would you like to go Cheese sampling with me and then Talk about cheese afterwards? would I? I'm so excited.
When I get excited, I look like This.
Wait, that's not it.
I think this.
[ laughter .]
you are a starburst nebula.
so are you.
Whoops, when I do that cheer, I Get so hot.
I think I'd better take off my Sweater.
Okay.
okay.
[ laughter .]
too-da-loo.
oh, that woman just gives me The shivers.
[ cheers and applause .]
[ phone ringing .]
[ phone ringing .]
911.
What's your emergency? Hello? do you hear that? what? no.
Let's get this done.
okay.
this summer, helen mirren is Top dog in "rescue dogs 3d.
" I want your gun and your Leash.
You're off the case.
"rescue dogs 3d," sit stay Help is on the way.
what is the nature of your Emergency? Robbery, home invasion.
Where should we send help? Gps.
Please select your theater for "rescue dogs 3d.
" Please choose a showtime for "rescue dogs 3d.
" Thank you for your purchase of 99 child tickets.
no! searching contacts.
All 354 contacts e-mailed to Join you at "rescue dogs 3d.
" are you having a hunger Emergency? Let the "rescue dogs" help.
Two for one pizzas from pizza Hut.
Thanks for your order.
Be patient.
Help is on the way.
great.
What? No.
you ordered pizza hut? I got your "rescue dogs" snack Pack.
what? Let's shoot this mother [ beep .]
[ gunfire .]
oh! hey! Hey! wait, don't shoot.
I didn't see anything.
Just take whatever you want.
sorry, no witnesses.
[ dog barking .]
[ laughter .]
thanks rescue dogs.
ladies and gentlemen, Kanye west.
[ cheers and applause .]
I'm living In the 21st century Doing something mean to it Do it better than anybody you ever seen do it Screams from the haters Got a nice ring to it I guess every superhero need his theme music no one man should Have all that power The clock's ticking I just count the hours stop tripping I'm tripping off the power 21st century schizoid man the system broken The schools closed The prisons open We ain't got nothing to lose everybody, we rolling Huh? everybody, we rolling With some light-skinned girls And some kelly rowlands In this white man's world we the ones chosen So goodnight, cruel world I see you in the morning huh? I see you in the morning this Is way too much I need a moment no one man should have all That power The clock's ticking I just count the hours stop tripping I'm tripping off the power 'til then, the world's ours 21st century schizoid man the brown hero, live from Ground zero Machine gun flow, made her get a Ross perot and this is Disestablishmentarianism with my night goggles on, got Military vision and it's still a very Christian way to think about Livin' when you prayin' for freedom 'cause your mind been in Prison 'cause they tryin' to control Every single big decision you ain't effin' the system, Then why the eff is you Livin'? look, dawg, you can cop Whatever suits you on three-piece, cuff links and The accouterments they been feedin' us fish Without the nutrients so I'm back with another hit To let the truth be known and your boy still fresh with The gucci on them italians sure know how to Make what the moodies want and they really can't take What doobie on but I be on the same thing 'til you prove me wrong no one man should Have all that power The clock's ticking I just count the hours stop tripping I'm tripping off the power 'til, the world's ours and then they And then they And then they And then they 21st century schizoid man colin powells, austin powers Lost in translation With a whole effing nation They say I was the abomination Of obama's nation Well, that's a pretty bad way To start the conversation at the end of the day I'm killing this I know damn well Y'all feeling this I don't need you Baby I'm on my own I ain't gotta trip Who you going home with? how 'ye doing? Well, I'm surviving I was drinking earlier Now I'm driving where the bad Where ya hiding? I got the power Make your life so exciting so exciting So exciting So exciting I got the power make your life so exciting I got the power make your life so exciting now this would Be a beautiful death Jumping out the window Letting everything go letting everything go Now this would Be a beautiful death Jumping out the window letting everything go Letting everything go Now this would Be a beautiful death jumping out the window letting Everything go Letting everything go 21st century schizoid man [ laughter .]
"weekend update" with seth Meyers.
[ cheers and applause .]
I'm seth meyers, and here are Tonight's top stories.
north korean leader kim Jong-il on Monday promoted his Son, kim jong-un to the rank of General.
A sign that he will succeed his Father as the country's ruler, Much to the chagrin of kim Jong-il's other son, Jeb jong-ill.
on Friday, the white house Released rahm emanuel back into The wild.
[ laughter .]
Speculation is emanuel is Returning to chicago to run for Mayor.
There are many questions facing His campaign, the biggest being, Can he kiss a baby without it Bursting into flames? [ laughter .]
cnn fired newsman Rick sanchez Friday one day After he called jon stewart a Bigot and suggested that cnn is Controlled by jews.
In the end, sanchez was done in By his achilles heel, his mouth.
[ light laughter .]
in an effort to drum up Support for democratic Candidates, president obama has Been traveling the country and Engaging voters in a series of Backyard chats.
He was going to do front yard Chats, but then you get the Foreclosure sign in the Pictures.
[ applause .]
los angeles was hit with Record-breaking heat on Monday With temperatures reaching 113 Degrees.
It was so hot, even governor Schwarzenegger couldn't take it.
well, there was a lot of big News this summer.
But here again with the Secondhand news is our Secondhand news correspondent, Anthony crispino.
hey, how you doin' seth? Hey, it's good to be back.
Hey, did you lose weight? maybe a little.
I'm just messing with you.
Come on seth.
So anyway, you hear about this Freakin' mess at ground zero? yeah, that's been in the news A lot.
yeah.
Because apparently, you know, Muslanic guys, you know, they Want to show that jim carrey Movie "the mask" at ground zero.
It's a freakin' disgrace.
[ laughter .]
no, no I think you're Thinking about the mosque.
I'm pretty sure it was "the Mask," seth.
That's why this preacher down in Florida, he's going to burn all These koreans.
[ laughter .]
I guess koreans really love jim Carrey.
I don't know.
who told you that? who told me that? my hot dog guy fassook.
well fassook is misinformed.
okay, all right.
So uhh -- who are you looking for? there's people seth.
So you hear about this thing With lebron james? Apparently next year he's going To be on "miami vice.
" no.
yeah.
True story.
True story.
no, he's not.
you know, everyone thought, You know -- He was going to be on the Cleveland show.
But you know, he wasn't cartoony Enough, you know.
So he's going to be on "miami Vice" with freakin' dwyane wade From "a different world.
" It's true, true story.
where did you hear that? where did I hear that? Freakin' louie from over at the Thing.
okay, well, the thing? he's always near that thing.
louie doesn't sound very Reliable.
okay.
Alright.
So, uh -- there's nobody under there.
there's nobody under there? You never know.
So you hear about this? This obama? Yeah.
He's going to repeal the bush Haircuts.
Yeah.
Apparently rich people, they Can't get haircuts no more.
it's not haircuts, it's tax Cuts.
no, it was definitely Haircuts, seth.
Because this obama, turns out He's a socialite.
Yeah.
[ laughter .]
He can't run the country because He's going to fancy parties all The time.
where did you hear these Things? well a little birdie told me, Seth.
Okay.
A little birdie named skank who Sells me bootleg dvds.
ok.
Alright.
Any other news this summer? uh, lets see.
You know who used the "n" word? who? debbie gibson.
no.
what else? You know what they found in Paris hilton's purse? what? bedbugs.
no.
[ laughter .]
and tiger woods.
He finally got divorced from Ellen degeneres.
That was never going to work.
That was never going to work Because she's you know, Lebanese.
anthony crispino, everybody.
there's something under There, be careful.
[ applause .]
it was revealed Wednesday That howard stern's studio in New york city was infested with Bedbugs last week.
"man, it is disgusting in here," Said the bedbugs.
Germany will finally pay off the Last of the $94 million in Reparations it owed for world War I.
Said a german accountant, "okay, Zat is done, vat's next? Oh -- right.
" [ laughter .]
Insiders are saying that David hasselhoff was a mess Behind the scenes on "dancing With the stars.
" You know who else is saying That? Outsiders.
[ laughter .]
It was announced that after 34 years in print, the comic Strip "cathy" would end its run.
Here now to address the sadness Is the star of that comic and The apple of my eye, cathy.
[ applause .]
hi! so cathy, cathy.
Lovely, beautiful cathy, 34 years.
What a great run.
seth, the only runs I know About are the ones in my Pantyhose.
My thighs want out! Ah! [ laughter .]
oh, cathy.
So tell me cathy what are you Going to do with all your new Free time? I'm finally going to live it Up.
First item, go to a nude beach.
you're daring enough to Skinny dip.
I don't skinny dip, seth.
I fanny float.
Ack! [ laughter .]
One time I fell asleep on the Sand.
When I woke up, I was in the Tank at seaworld.
Embarrassment splotches! [ laughter .]
oh, I am going to miss your Wit.
oh, tiny hearts, tiny hearts, Tiny hearts.
cathy, on a serious note, a Lot of women are really going to Miss you.
Do you have any last word of Advice for all your fans? I do.
Ladies, age is just a number.
And mine's plus size, brownies! no one does it like you, Cathy.
And in honor of your last week, We at "weekend update" have Prepared a going-away tribute to All our great "cathy" memories.
Let's take a look.
[ laughter and applause .]
yeah, that pretty much sums It up.
You know, seth, now that I'm Leaving, maybe you and I could Finally -- oh, I don't think so, cathy.
are you sure? Once you go "ack," you never go Back.
[ laughter .]
I'll consider it.
sweat drops, hot flash, urban Mondays! Ack! retiring super star cathy, Everyone! [ cheers and applause .]
it was announced Wednesday Nicole "snooki" polizzi will Write a brook based on her Experiences on the reality show, "the jersey shore.
" Possible titles include "eat, Spray, love.
" "sisterhood of the not wearing Any panties" And "the color orange.
" This week marks the 50th Anniversary of "the Flintstones.
" The seminal animated series that Inspired, among other things, The creationist movement.
This weekend bbc america will Begin airing episodes of the British version of "law & Order.
" Called "law & order, uk.
" It's like the regular "law & Order.
" Except instead of the Traditional -- They use -- A man in colorado was arrested After he wounded a police Officer by shooting him in the Arm because he thought the cop Was a zombie.
Though in the man's defense, the Cop did say, "drop your gun and Put your hands above your Delicious brains.
" [ laughter .]
For "weekend update," I'm seth Meyers.
Good night! you're watching the game show Network.
Up next "kid smartz.
" it's time to play "kid Smartz.
" The quiz show for kids with your Host, bobby pauth.
hey! [ applause .]
Hello, everybody.
I'm bobby pauth.
We have a great show for you, And our brand-new sponsor, st.
Angie's crinkle-cut fries.
The crinkles holds the cheese.
Now, let's meet today's Kid-testants.
Hey there.
Aren't you a cutie pie? thanks.
what's your name? vickie.
oh and how old are you, Vickie? I'm 10.
oh, you're getting all grown Up, aren't you? sure am.
well, I wish you a lot of Luck in today's game.
thank you.
all right.
Let's move on to our next Kid-testant.
Hi, there.
What's your name? sandy.
sandy.
Well, that's a pretty name.
How old are you? I'm 11.
oh, 11.
So you're just a little bit Older than the other girl here.
Huh? Give me a kiss.
Oh, you've made my day, sandy.
Next up we have roger.
Can I have a kiss? yeah.
[ laughter .]
my, my, my.
What a great group we have Today.
Can I have another kiss? yeah.
[ laughter .]
okay.
You kids are on your way to Winning a lot of money.
Now we have one last kid-testant To meet.
A sweet little girl from the Detroit area.
And what is your name? it's jeanelle.
Go away.
[ laughter .]
why? you know why.
[ laughter .]
jeanelle, what's wrong? a whole lot of stuff.
All of it! jeanelle, I have been doing This show for 15 years, and Everybody loves it.
All game show hosts kiss their Contestants.
Besides, you might win $200! at what cost? okay, how about a hug Instead? how about you go hug a weed Whacker! [ laughter .]
roger, do you want to give me Jeanelle's hug? yeah.
and how about an end of hug Kiss? yeah.
[ laughter .]
great job, kids.
Are you ready to play? yeah! let's play "kid smartz.
" Here we go.
Okay, here's your first Question.
Which one of these is not one of Columbus's ships.
Is it the "nina"? The "pinta"? The "santa maria"? Or the "de charles"? Yes, roger? the "nina.
" [ buzzer sound .]
oh, I'm sorry, roger.
That is incorrect.
Oh, roger.
Are you upset? yeah.
aw! Well, you know, you tried your Best.
[ laughter .]
You feel better now? almost.
[ laughter .]
there we go.
Now, does anybody else know the Correct answer? Yes, jeanelle.
it's the "de charles.
" Stay back, dummy! [ laughter .]
congratulations, jeanelle.
That is correct.
You've just won $200.
stay away! I just want to give you your Check and maybe a little kiss.
turn around! [ laughter .]
jeanelle, this is a Congratulations kiss.
We do this.
I hope you're not allergic to Nuts.
why? because I'm going to kick Yours up into your throat! [ laughter .]
oh, you're a pistol.
Okay.
We're going to take a little Break.
But when we come back, I'm going To get that kiss.
kiss the ground, freak-a-doo! [ laughter .]
Let me see this check.
This check better not balance.
we'll be right back.
good evening, everybody.
Hello.
Thank you all for coming.
Are you ready, dan? I'm always ready.
Always ready for such a lovely Audience.
They look so beautiful tonight.
Two, three.
I sent a bottle of sparkling Apple juice to your house did you get it? I sent a bottle of sparkling Apple juice to your house did you get it? I sent a bottle of sparkling Apple juice to your house did you get it? oh, remember this song? I sent a bottle of sparkling Apple juice to your house did you get it? Thank you all so much for coming Tonight.
It means so much to me and my Brother, jeffrey.
it sure does.
can you all see us? The people in the back? Is that -- Can we --? turn the house lights up a Little, we want to see the Crowd.
look at that.
There are not that many people Here tonight.
no.
This is what professional Singers describe as "lightly Attended.
" There are pockets of people.
I see a nice little crowd right Over there.
Hello.
It's about quality not quantity.
still, a few more people Would have been nice.
It seems like whole sections are Empty.
whole sections.
But that's okay.
This is our hometown.
And you know what? We love you! I sent a bottle of sparkling Apple juice to your house did you get it? I sent a bottle of sparkling Apple juice to your house did you get it? you guys remember that song? I know, we sure do.
its our only hit song, isn't That amazing? oh.
it came out in 1979.
god are we that old already? I still look the same don't I? no comment on that one.
Sounds so lovely, yeah.
So I'd like to say -- I sent a bottle of sparkling Apple juice to your house did you get it? this song hit the top 200 on The minnesota charts, how about That? How about that? but seeing our name up there, On "the bjelland brothers" Printed local music trade Magazine -- Oh, we were shocked.
Especially since the song was Written fairly quickly, believe It or not.
it's true.
You see, I had sent a bottle of Sparkling apple juice to a woman I was very interested in.
very interested.
and I didn't hear back from Her as to whether or not she got It.
not a word.
I was very depressed for About a year until one day, I Walked out into my garage and Saw a bottle of sparkling apple Juice sitting underneath a table Saw.
It turns out I forgot to send It.
[ laughter .]
he's very forgetful.
there are a lot of wrapped Presents sitting out in his Garage.
but you know something People? We did got this whole beautiful Song out of this experience.
Didn't we? we did.
choreography.
I sent a bottle of sparkling Apple juice to your house did you get it? say hello to our band.
They've been working so hard on This three-day tour.
yeah we have.
Thank you, yes.
oh, we lost a lot of money on This tour.
A lot of money.
that's right, we bought two Buses.
Do you know how much a bus Costs? You know, we could have rented Them but -- I was just being show-offy in Front of my new assistant.
So, so dumb.
[ laughter .]
we also hired a chef.
stupid.
you guys look like a very Good crowd.
do you guys want to sing Along? oh, perfect idea.
bring it down.
Bring the music down just a Little bit, guys.
I sent a -- -- Apple juice to your -- did you -- I sent a -- to your house Did you get it? once again, kanye west Featuring pusha t.
[ cheers and applause .]
look at you look at you look At you look at you ladies and Gentlemen ladies and gentlemen look at you look at you look At you look at you and I want To show you how you all look Like beautiful stars tonight look at you look at you look At you look at you look at you look at you look At you look at you and I want to show you how you All look like beautiful stars Tonight and I always find, yeah I Always find something wrong you Been putting up with my -- Just way too long I'm so gifted at finding what I don't like the most so I think It's time for us to have a Toast let's have a toast for the Douchebags let's have a toast For the -- let's have a toast for the Scumbags every one of them that I know let's have a toast to the jerkoffs that'll never Take work off baby, I got a plan Run away fast as you can she find pictures in my email I sent this girl a picture of My -- I don't know what it is with females but I'm not too good at that, hey! See, I could have me a good girl and still be Addicted to them hood rats and I Just blame everything on you at least you Know that's what I'm good at and I always find and I always find yeah I Always find something wrong you Been putting up with my -- just way too long I'm so Gifted at finding what I don't Like the most so I think it's Time for us to have a toast let's Have a toast for the douchebags Let's have a toast for the -- Let's have a toast for the Scumbags every one of them that I know let's have a toast To the jerkoffs that'll never Take work off baby, I got a plan run away Fast as you can look at you look At you look at you look at you look At you look at you look at you look at you look At you look at you and I want to show you how you All look like beautiful stars Tonight 24/7, 365 jenny stays on my Mind I did it, all right, all Right I admit it now pick your next move you Could leave or live with it Ichabod crane with that Lamborghini top off split and go where? Back to wearing knockoffs, huh? Knock it off neiman's, shop it Off let's talk over mai tais Waitress, top it off --posers Wanna fly in your freddy Loafers you can't blame 'em they ain't Never seen versace sofas every Bag, every blouse every bracelet comes with a Price tag baby, face it you Should leave if you can't accept the basics plenty Of those in the baller-player's Matrix invisibly set the rolex is faceless I'm just Young, rich and tasteless look at you look at you look At you look at you and I always find something Wrong even though it's been way too Long I'm so gifted at finding what I Don't like the most so I think it's time for us to Have a toast let's have a toast For the douchebags Let's have a toast for the -- let's have a toast for the Scumbags every one of them that I know let's have a toast for the jerkoffs that'll never Take work off baby, I got a plan Run away fast as you can let's have a toast for the Douchebags let's take a toast For the -- Let's take a toast for the let's take a toast for the Scumbags everyone of them that I Know let's have a toast for The jerkoffs that'll never take Work off baby, I got a plan run away Fast as you can [ cheers and applause .]
pegasus pegasus I like your Shape that's cause I drew you -- henry! Pegasus looks great.
thanks, dad.
hey, can I have a talk with You for a minute, son? okay.
now, I know that the fifth Grade can be rough.
Your mom tells me you're getting Picked on by some bullies.
yeah.
Today they somehow fit me into My own backpack.
well, you're way small.
I'm way small.
Yeah, definitely the smallest Boy.
Probably smaller than all but a Couple girls.
but that's okay.
Because I'm going to teach you How to defend yourself.
You know why? because you were a green Beret? because I was a green beret, And because I love you.
All right, henry.
Feet steady.
Hands up.
Eyes on the target.
And come at me.
okay.
[ punching sound .]
Wow! all right.
ow, dad.
all right, champ.
You're all right.
Now, what happened there? yeah, let's talk about it.
I got my butt handed to me right Off the bat.
what do you think you did Wrong? I'll be honest.
I went in with little to no Strategy.
uh-huh.
then there was the whole Punch in the face moment.
And it was pretty much just Lights out from there.
yeah.
Yeah, that's right, henry.
At what point did you lose the Upper hand? I'd say from the get-go and Then pretty much steadily Throughout.
and what are you going to do Right now? well, my suggestion is that We both step away from this for About an hour, maybe process it.
And that way I can get back to My mural.
or you can come at me even Harder.
okay.
now, what are you? small.
what do you want to be? strong.
how are you going to do that? I'm going to fight and win.
now come at me! okay.
Ow.
Ow.
Dad, ow.
oh, henry, are you okay? yes.
But ow.
now, what happened there, Champ? let's see.
Once again, I got absolutely Dominated.
yeah, you got absolutely Dominated.
Now, why do you let me do that? I was focused on staying on The balls of my feet.
So that all checked out.
But then it was punch this the Face time, and I just had no Answer for that.
henry, you've got to keep Your arms up.
right.
Again, dad, I feel like Everything you're saying makes Perfect sense on paper.
But when I'm actually in the Fight -- it's a lot harder.
it's a lot harder, yeah.
I get tired, like, almost Immediately.
And if I'm being completely Honest, there are moments during The fights where I wish I was Doing anything else.
And, again, there's just a whole Lot of thinking about my mural.
oh.
And it shows.
Now, I need to hear it again.
What are you? small.
what do you want to be? a mural artist.
henry.
strong.
okay.
What should you do with fear? have less of it.
right! Right! Right! So come on! Do this! Knock me out! okay.
Uh! now, henry, why did you let Me get you with a choke hold? you're asking me to take Myself out of the situation, but I'm still very much in it.
Although, could you let go? Because I think my face is Starting to die.
oh, oh.
boys, dinner's ready.
oh, good.
we'll be up in a minute.
okay.
Ready? All right, son.
What happened there, henry? I don't know.
Looking back, I'm very proud of My performance.
I did everything right.
And in the end it just came down To superior size and strength.
well, obviously, this is Going to take some time, but I've got to say, you are Improving crazy fast.
yeah.
I'm improving crazy fast.
and I love you, buddy.
But you're way small.
I'm way small.
[ cheers and applause .]
traveling can be tough, Especially if you find it hard To sleep in a strange room.
You've tried white noise Machines.
But they just don't work.
That's why sharper image created The isleep pro.
The isleep pro not only has a Setting for white noise but also One for black noise.
The soothing sounds you're used To.
Sounds like muffled tyler perry Sitcoms.
why'd you come here? Why'd you come here? I wish that fool would come and Help.
an old lady complaining about Foot problems through the wall.
oh, lord geez, I can't walk On it no more.
bass.
Domestic arguments.
I told you, I don't know why! you lied! and the movie, "Friday.
" you think he's playing with You? man, that fool ain't going to Do nothing.
so you can get the rest you Need.
And be ready to take on the World.
Isleep pro.
Get the sleep you need.
[ cheers and applause .]
oh, thank you to kanye west! [ cheers and applause .]
Pusha t.
Ernest borgnine.
Thank you, lorne michaels.
And the greatest cast -- I had the best week of my life! I love you! Thank you all!