The Simpsons s36e02 Episode Script

1
♪
[both laughing]
Marge, I love
when you grab my butt
with your cold, stiff fingers.
Homie,
I'm not touching your butt.
-Ew!
-Ew! Ew! Ew!
Save me, Baywatch!
Ah ♪
Ah-ah, ah-ah-ah, ah ♪
[vocalizing]
Hot bodies and murder ♪
Rich, sexy people
behaving badly ♪
Makes you feel better
about being broke and unknown ♪
Symbolic statues
and endless brunch ♪
How do they eat like that
and still look great naked? ♪
Are they on O-O-O-Ozempic? ♪
[vocalizing]
-[seabirds squawking]
-[horn blows]
The Yellow Lotus,
a luxury, five-star resort,
has opened its teakwood doors to
Springfield's neediest minority:
the wealthy elite.
[chuckling]
And in breaking news
This just in
my mouth. Mmm!
-Mmm!
-[horn blows]
Are you sure
this is the timeshare we bought?
It's the exact same address.
We've been paying into it
for ten years.
It just seems too good a place
for us to have a reservation.
[slurping]
Read it and weep.
For joy 'cause it's good.
Now, I'm legally forbidden
to say
that this is a good investment.
But this is
a very good investment.
[groans]
Homer, I'm uncomfortable.
The baby's using my womb
as a trampoline,
and Consumer Repo says
timeshares are the worst
investment in real estate.
Hey, I am not
selling you real estate.
I'm selling you something
that is much more valuable
than property.
Points.
Hmm. Points, eh?
Points that you can trade in
for a dream vacation any time,
except on blackout dates.
Your unborn children
will inherit your points.
And your fees.
It's a steal. For me.
Woo-hoo! Why, you!
Yeah, quick question.
Is he mooning me?
The baby's behind speaks
for us all
when it says
we should leave now!
Well, of course.
You're not prisoners.
But if you leave,
you are breaking the law,
and you'll end up in prison
unless you sign this contract.
[wheezing]
Oh, no. My husband is having
a severe allergic reaction.
He needs to get
to the hospital immediately!
[grunting]
Another free breakfast,
and all I had
to do was risk death.
[laughs] Ow.
Homer, I see you eyeing
this delicious croquembouche.
85 choux puffs.
You think
I would sign a lifetime contract
for a stupid dessert?
[laughs]
Never again.
Not after Spectrum cable.
[majestic
instrumental music plays]
My friend, this is America.
Just because you can't possibly
afford something
doesn't mean
that you can't buy it.
Luxury vacations are not just
for the rich and the famous.
They're for average schlubs
like you.
-Like me?
-Of course!
Homer, what is more important:
to feel rich or to be rich?
To be rich!
Guess again.
To feel rich!
Exactly. Now sign.
Or don't and commit your family
to the worst life of all:
one with nothing
to look forward to.
♪
[Marge mouthing]
Oh.
You get a free boombox.
-Done!
-Oh!
Huh?
But when can we use
the timeshare?
[chuckles]
The answer to that is
Waiting is the hardest part ♪
Every day,
you see one more ♪
[gasps]
The croquembouche!
Homer, you were right.
I can't believe it.
The monthly fees,
the maintenance fees,
the fee-calculating fees.
All worth it!
[dogs growling]
Welcome, Mr. Burns.
Mr. Smithers.
Who's a good boy?
[growling]
Heel, heel! Stop biting my heel!
These dogs have been working
hard and need a vacation.
They need
to be pampered, pedicured
and anally expressed
twice a day.
Relax the hounds!
Yes, sir. Excuse me.
Everything here is
for guests only,
including the view.
[groans softly]
Howdy.
You can't do this to us!
We may not have much money,
but we're rich in what counts
around here: points!
Ah, yes, right.
Well, that timeshare company
no longer owns this property.
But as a courtesy,
we do honor those points.
[Marge and Homer gasp loudly]
I'll see you at checkout.
Mm.
This is going to be the most
wonderful week of our lives.
[loud knocking]
Checkout time.
Back away from the minibar.
Uh, excuse me.
May I remind you
we have accumulated
450 million points.
Which equals 20 minutes.
Your stay is over.
This room now belongs
to Dr. and Mrs. Hibbert.
[Marge groans softly]
Oh, you think you've won, eh?
We are taking the free shampoo!
[grunting]
Stupid shampoo!
Why is everything
I want to steal bolted down?!
Check mate.
[scoffs]
We requested a sober room.
No minibar.
My wife has gone a whole year
without a drink.
Oh, thank you, Julius.
Please tell everybody.
I won't mention
how you have your nurse
finish your operations
so you can go play golf.
Oops.
[laughs]
[grumbles]
Woman.
Don't worry about me.
I know how to cope
perfectly well without drinking.
I'm so glad I married a doctor.
[Marge groans]
Welcome to the Yellow Lotus.
I'm Shauna.
You're Tasha.
Yes, I know my name. Usually.
I also ordered
a welcome massage.
Not Swedish, shiatsu.
Also, it hurts when I smile.
Can you help?
I love the Yellow Lotus resorts.
So many beautiful bodies.
Especially the dead ones.
Whatever I can do to help,
let me know.
I have three connecting
diamond lotus suites.
One for me, one for my husband
and one for my luggage.
[boat horn blowing]
That woman's luggage
gets a room, but we don't?!
Is this why
we defeated the Nazi zombies
in Call of Duty: World at War?
We could sneak into
the rich lady's luggage room,
and stay there for a week.
But Mom would never
We are doing that!
Oh, I love it
when you break bad.
Hey, how'd you get the key, boy?
The real question is not
how did I get a key,
but how did I get a machine
that makes keys?
He's got you there, Marge.
I didn't ask anything.
[excited chatter, laughter]
[Bart]
Higher! Higher!
Ow! Too high!
[quietly]
Marge, come here.
I have to show you something
that I never dreamed
was possible.
There's a TV in the mirror.
It's always been my dream
to watch me watching TV.
Wow!
She's got to be
the happiest woman in the world.
[Tasha]
Oh. You're always leaving me!
Where are you going now?
Another secret phone call?
[Sideshow Bob]
She suspects nothing.
She won't know until the minute
my hands are around her neck.
[laughing]
♪
We have to warn that poor woman
she's in danger!
But we're on vacation.
And Bob's only
an attempted murderer.
Attempted.
My ears are burning.
[all]
Sideshow Bob!
Hello, Simpsons. Bart.
Don't "Bart" me, man.
What's your evil plan this time?
I might ask the same of you.
I believe you
and your sticky-fingered family
are squatting in a luxury suite
meant for my wife's luggage.
How do we know
you're not just after her money?
Now, Marge, that hurts.
I have my own fortune.
I invented a rake
with a collapsible handle.
No more head bonks.
[grunts, laughs, grumbles]
Now, let's see
what your options are.
A: You expose my past to my wife
while I get you arrested
for trespassing.
B: Everyone keeps quiet,
and we all enjoy
[Bart]
Who am I to judge you, Bob?
Okay. Fine. One week.
But if your wife turns up dead,
even once,
we're calling the cops.
[Tasha]
Bob, who are you talking to?
Ah, my pet. [chuckles]
I was just doing vocalizations
in the other room
so I wouldn't disturb you.
Peas and carrots.
Peas and carrots.
Oost, ohst, ost, est, east.
Badagaga, badagaga,
badagaga, badagaga.
La-la-la-la,
la-la-la-la, la. ♪
Well, I guess
we're trusting the psychopath.
Sociopath.
Two distinct diagnoses.
With a slight touch of
the narcissist.
[groaning]
[laughing]
[Tasha]
Hello.
Oh!
[chuckles]
[stammering]
Hi.
I see you're reading Barbra.
Yeah. After I put it
in my suitcase,
I had no room for anything else.
I've got the audiobook.
I had to delete
all the photos on my phone
so I'd have enough memory.
Who needs my memories
when I have Barbra's?
Let's listen together.
-[Lisa] You're it! [laughing]
-[Bart laughing]
[gasps]
Kids! [quietly] We're trying
to be inconspicuous.
No problem!
[quietly]
Marco.
[whispers]
Polo.
-Marc--
-Polo!
You don't belong here.
[gasps]
This is an adults-only pool.
The hotel will take these kids
off your hands
for the rest of your trip, sir.
Oh! It's about time.
Thank you!
Polo! [whoops]
-Ah! Jerk!
-[others exclaim]
♪
[gulps]
Excuse me.
I don't mean to bother,
but can I please get
a vegan option?
What the hell are you doing?
I mean saying "excuse me"
and "please."
Rich kids talk like that.
Hello?
Do I have to color in
this drawing myself?
Inside the lines, dum-dum!
You'll never blend in, Lis.
[exhales]
You call these crudités?
I want farm-to-table.
[attendant gasps]
Isn't it grand?
Our kids are getting spoiled
in a way we could never afford.
Have you noticed something,
Homer?
We're the only happy people
here.
♪
[slurping]
Wow. Well, these rich jerks
may not appreciate
how good they have it,
but we do.
And we're gonna have it all.
Do you have a masseur
for the plus-sized man?
Oh, baby.
I'd like
a full-body sage scrub,
seaweed foot mask,
pumpkin face mask,
cedar oil hair mask
and toxin release mud bath.
Ditto.
[sighs, moans]
[Lindsey]
We're clear.
[sighs]
Finally, I can relax.
[fortune teller]
Somebody here is going to die.
Gah!
Who will it be?
The Poisoned Queen?
-The Suffering Toady?
-Mm.
Or is it the Hanged Bride?
[gasps]
Beware.
Beware?
Is it
"existential crisis" beware?
Or is it beware
like the egg salad's gone bad?
Oh, don't worry.
These hotel fortune tellers
are always fakes.
Mama, we need you
in the kitchen, eh?
Just as I predicted.
[sighs]
Oh.
There's something
I'm afraid I have to tell you.
Something bad.
Sounds like I'm gonna need
a macaron.
Better take the whole plate.
I think you may be married
to a murderous psychopath.
Sociopath.
[spits]
What?
That's crazy.
Bob married my sister
for her money,
and she has way less than you.
Well, I've got
an ironclad prenup.
If we get divorced,
Bob gets no money.
Unless I'm murdered.
But he told me
that's just boilerplate.
[playing piano]
Killing her softly ♪
With my words ♪
Ending her whole life
with my knife ♪
Choking her softly
with rope ♪
And now for my next request,
I'd like to ask security
to take out two trespassers
who, not coincidentally,
went back on their word to me.
Uh, you're still here?!
Security!
♪
[Homer and Marge gasp]
[grunts]
[exclaims] Throw spaghetti sauce
in my eyes!
[grunts]
That's-a better.
♪
Oh, there she is again.
Doesn't a hotel manager
have better things to do?
[both gasp]
I have to protect the brand!
The brand!
Marge, do what I do.
Damn it, Bernice. Do you want to
leave this resort in a body bag?
The only hard part
will be getting her
to the top of the cliff.
If the hounds
don't taste blood soon,
I fear they'll go mad.
[growling, barking]
This resort is filled
with psychos,
murderers and mild neurotics!
Oy, my leg hurts
[grunts]
whenever there's fog.
[gasps]
Oh, my God, Marge.
It's the worst one of all!
Who here has ever wanted
to take a vacation
and earn money at the same time?
[both scream]
[humming]
You sold us
a worthless timeshare!
Uh, you're gonna have
to narrow that down.
You remember this? Huh?
Lady, do you know how many
pregnant women I have defrauded?
That baby is now ten years old.
Oh, yeah.
I'll never forget that ass.
You guys must have accumulated
a hell of a lot of debt.
Look, I'm not in that business
anymore, okay?
Now I get people out
of timeshare scams.
Is that also a scam?
Yeah. Much more profitable.
I'm going to do something now
I should have done back then.
[grunts]
Hey, I need that for evil!
You have some very bad karma,
mister.
Ooh, ooh, I have bad karma.
Oh, I'm so scared!
[grunting]
Oh, please don't hurt me,
Hindu gods!
[laughing]
Don't be a smart aleck.
When you do something bad,
it always catches up with you.
Gotcha! Moochers!
-Moochers?
-They're despicable.
I've been watching
you all be miserable in paradise
and take everything for granted.
So you may be wealthier,
but we're rich in what counts.
-Points?
-The ability to go on vacation
and have fun without plotting
to kill our loved ones!
And now, lady,
I'm going to take in the view!
♪
You know, Homie,
the ferry doesn't come
for a while.
-How 'bout one last swim?
-[chuckles]
Mwah.
♪
[groans]
You've played me for a fool,
Bernice.
But no more!
There's only one way
to end this.
[grunts]
Oh, no!
I love you, Bernice.
And we're not coming down
until you're clean.
Also, not until I figure out
how to get this balloon back
to land.
[chuckling]
♪
No! Stop!
Nice Dobermans!
[snarls]
Thank God
I brought my spare bone.
[poshly] D'oh!
For you, my darling.
[gasps]
Oh, wow.
All the secret phone calls
were to arrange this?
[chuckles]
Like all sociopaths,
all I really needed
was the love of a good woman.
And the proper medication.
Now all I want to do
is smother you
with kisses
and set you ablaze
with passion.
[moaning]
Mwah!
Well, I'll be.
He's as great a husband as I am.
Now, my dear, may I serenade you
with the divine
Gilbert and Sullivan?
A wandering minstrel I ♪
A thing of shreds
and patches ♪
Of ballads, songs
and snatches ♪
Wha--
Tasha, why?
-I'm a fast-cycling
manic-depressive!
-[groaning]
Oh, no, Bob! What have I done?
[groaning]
-Bob.
-Mel.
My best to Krusty.
The three of us
should have lunch.
Yes, but not this week.
I'm doing a cleanse.
Ah. Your colon will thank you.
So I guess everyone's fine!
Except for the body.
♪
[gasps]
A shark.
Oh, it's just an adorable
little otter.
[hisses]
Oh!
[yelling]
♪
Timeshare salesman
turned retired scoundrel
Nick Callahan is dead,
leaving behind a fortune
valued at 80 billion points.
In "otter" news
My chai!
♪
[woman vocalizing]
Once again, we've seen
rich people act despicably ♪
And feel better
about ourselves ♪
Like Fantasy Island
and Glass Onion ♪
And even Lord of the Flies. ♪
[vocalizing]
20th CENTURY FOX TELEVISION
and FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY
and TOYOTA.
Captioned by
access.wgbh.org
Shh!