Saturday Night Live (1975) s36e03 Episode Script
Jane Lynch and Bruno Mars
the following program is Presented by attorney Gloria allred and is intended Solely for self-promotion.
"ask gloria allred.
" Attorney gloria allred is a true Legal superstar.
Recognized the world over for Her near round-the-clock Television appearances and as a Tireless champion for society's Forgotten victims, from Scott peterson's girlfriend, Amber frey, to tiger woods's Mistresses numbers two, five, Nine and 11.
To the guy in the audience at The laugh factory the night Michael richards use the "n" Word.
Here now is gloria allred.
[ applause .]
hello and welcome to this Edition of "ask gloria allred.
" I'm gloria allred.
This week, many of you have Written or e-mailed to Congratulate me on my recent Press conference with Nikki diaz.
Nikki is the undocumented worker From mexico who was employed by Meg whitman, currently the Republican candidate for Governor of california, as a Housekeeper.
While working for the whitmans, Nikki suffered continuous Emotional abuse and was forced To perform a series of Horrendous and degrading tasks From sorting and washing laundry To vacuuming carpets and dusting Venetian blinds.
All under the threat that if she Did not perform these sickening Acts, they would not pay her.
It is a heart-wrenching story.
And many of you thanked me for Bringing it to the nation's Attention.
But some had questions.
For example, paul from Indianapolis asks, "as her Attorney, how could you let Ms.
Diaz announce on television That she's in the country Illegally? Because of your reckless Attention seeking, won't she be Arrested and deported?" That's a good question, paul.
I hadn't really thought About it.
I'm going to recommend that Nikki hire a good immigration Lawyer.
Karen from boston asks, "I saw Your latest freak show press Conference with ms.
Diaz, and I Have to ask, is there anything You won't do to push your Butt-ugly mug in front of a Camera?" Another good question, karen.
I have to think about that, but I guess my answer would be no.
Steven from new orleans asks, "why do you talk so loud? Or does it just seem that way Because your manner is so Grating?" Probably a bit of both, steven.
I'm naturally a very pushy Person and find that by talking Loudly, people are forced to Listen to me even if they would Prefer not to.
Kevin from ft.
Collins, Colorado, asks, "tell me, Gloria, has a more disgusting Creature than yourself ever Walked the face of the earth?" Wow! A lot of good questions tonight.
I don't know the answer, kevin.
I suppose since man in his Present form has been around for About 250,000 years, there must Have been somebody.
But I really can't say for sure.
Denise from nashville asks, "when you die, gloria, and you Go instantly to hell, which I Think we can all agree will Absolutely happen, will you just Burn with all the other Ambulance chasers who spent Their lives bringing misery into The world, or will there be a Special ring or level of hell Just for you?" Oh, my.
Denise, that is such a profound Question.
Who knows? All I can say is, I sincerely Hope so.
That would be nice.
Well, that's it for tonight's Show.
We'll see you next week.
Until then, please pay attention To me.
And live from new york, it's Saturday night! [ cheers and applause .]
announcer: It's "Saturday Night live.
" With -- Featuring -- Musical guest -- Bruno mars And your host -- Jane lynch.
-= InSUBs =- Ladies and gentlemen, Jane lynch! thank you! [ cheers and applause .]
Thank you! Thank you so much! It's so great to be here hosting "Saturday night live.
" And right off the bat, I just Want to say that you all look Taller in person, too.
[ laughter .]
I have had such an exciting Year.
I'm on an incredible show, "glee.
" [ cheers and applause .]
Now, folks, it's truly an Ensemble show, and I get to work With some amazing young people.
But as much as I love "glee," my One complaint is I don't get to Sing every week.
So I had the best idea.
That I should sing the theme Song.
But then I was told that "glee" Doesn't have a theme song.
So I said why not write one? And they said no.
And I took that no as a yes.
And I went home, I took out some Sheet music.
I sharpened some pencils.
I drank a couple of bottles of Tequila.
I blacked out.
[ laughter .]
And when I came to, I had Written this song.
Now, long story short, I sang it For the gang at "glee," and they Said, that its terrible.
But that's not going to stop me From singing it tonight.
So joining me on stage is a Classically trained, Fred armisen -- Thanks fred.
So here it is.
This is my theme to "glee.
" glee I like that, because it gets the Title out right away.
glee is a show About sue sylvester sue sylvester is The star of "glee" now yes, there are a few Other characters but sue is The one you want to see Okay, now I realize that that Sounds very conceited since I Play the part of sue sylvester, But blame my co-writer, Jose cuervo.
Bridge! when sue comes Down the hallway slushie cup at her side The faint of heart Better break way and part and the weak Should run and hide so he should run and hide we should run and hide You know what -- Now, singing this song, I Realize it's a really bad theme Song for "glee.
" Not a good idea, but I'm in the Middle of it, so I'll keep Going.
But I do really like this part Here, fred.
where did sue sylvester come From? No one knows.
Legend has it she was birthed From between two storm clouds.
Lightning hit the ground.
And from the billowing smoke Emerged the female figure Covered in dirt and wearing a Red sweat suit.
this will all be clay-mation.
and the villagers gathered And asked, are you a god? And the creature lifted her head And said, "no, I'm Sue sylvester.
" one, two, three! "glee" is a show About sue sylvester sue sylvester is The star of "glee" yes, there are some Other characters but sue sylvester Is played by me I'm sue sylvester I'm sue sylvester I'm sue sylvester I'm sue sylvester glee glee glee glee glee glee glee Glee glee glee glee glee glee Glee I'm sue sylvester [ cheers and applause .]
I won't ever sing that song Again.
Hey, we have a great show.
Bruno mars is here tonight.
Stick around.
We'll be right back.
oh, man.
Looks like you have a new friend Request.
oh, my god, this cannot be Happening.
well, it finally happened.
Your mom is on facebook.
[ laughter .]
Posting things like -- October means getting all my Fall motif sweaters out.
Or maybe I should just leaf them Up there.
Ha, ha, ha.
I am laughing out loud on the Floor.
sure, she likes posting about Her life, but she loves getting Into yours.
who's your new friend? She looks ill.
now you have to watch Everything you say.
Unless you get the "damn it, my Mom is on facebook" filter.
It's the only app that scans Your facebook page for stuff About drugs, alcohol, sex, References to your atheism and Opinions.
Go ahead and type something that Your mom would hate.
there isn't enough beer in The world for me to deal with All of glenn beck's holy roller B.
S.
now apply the "damn it, my Mom is on facebook" filter.
boy do I need dungarees.
[ laughter .]
I've got a $5 coupon from Kohl's.
I'll send it to you.
see, the "damn it, my mom is On facebook" filter does what You do naturally.
It lies to your mom.
sweet! even changing your photos to Make them more mom friendly.
[ laughter .]
The "damn it, my mom is on Facebook" filter.
For when your mom discovers Facebook.
like.
like.
[ cheers and applause .]
glee all right, all right.
Settle down, guys.
We've got a butt load of singing To do today, okay.
Regional's are this Friday, and We still don't have a theme for Our medley.
[ talking over each other .]
no! but mr.
Shue.
We gotta have a theme.
[ laughter .]
okay, take it down, mercedes.
Now, the way to find the perfect Theme is to just listen to our Hearts.
Just like I listen to myself on A tape that I was singing in the Car on the way over here.
I have the perfect theme.
Of course she does.
What if our theme is "believe"? did you say the theme should Be beaver? Because I have a pair of faux Beaver shorts that are not to Die four.
They're to die five.
Hey! she said believe, kurt.
Like, "believe me, I'm wearing a Condom.
" You guys know I had a baby, Right? [ laughter .]
believes a great idea.
what does the word mean Again? Believe? you guys take actual classes Here, right? hey, I'm smart.
I'm wearing glasses and that's The only thing that makes me Different from all of you.
yeah.
Yeah.
Okay.
So we found our theme.
Just like I found my note.
Oh, hello, sue.
Do you mind? We're practicing for regional's.
well, let me know when you're Done so I can scoop it out of The litter box.
oh, you are shady.
[ laughter .]
well, for your information, I Came down here to do you a Favor.
Puck is sick and won't be here To practice, so I found a Replacement.
A new student.
[ talking over each other .]
a new student that sounds Great.
You know what else sounds great? God, I wish I was in this glee Club! Okay.
Ha, ha, ha.
All right.
Who just hit me with a glee Slushy? someone you haven't met yet.
Here's your new student.
sorry.
her name is gilly She's at it again she's always causin' trouble Like a barnyard hen she's always causin' trouble Her hair looks like a bubble knock, knock Who's there it's gilly Ooh sorry.
all right.
All right, kids.
We have to start practicing as Soon as possible.
Or as I like to say -- asap no! Enough! Simon, you are our teacher! you're right.
All right.
Let's just start with some Scales, shall we? ow, ow, ow! It's hot glued onto my scalp.
It's burning me! all right.
Okay.
Who hot glued a tambourine onto Gay kurt's head? Was it you, mercedes? and I am telling you I didn't do it [ laughter .]
[ applause .]
you can just say no.
Was it you, artie? look at me.
You know I couldn't have done That because of my glasses.
[ laughter .]
right.
No, I apologize, artie.
mr.
Shue, I live to tattle.
It was gilly.
gilly, did you hot glue a Tambourine to gay kurt's head? Gilly? what? gilly? yes? gilly? sorry.
don't worry about me Ms.
Friends, I actually like This fabulous hat.
I look fierce in it.
you're damn right you look Fierce in it.
You're my gay son and I love Your hat! I support you! I love you, gay son! [ applause .]
love you, too, dad.
Now go away.
now, gilly, we don't do that Here.
We support each other, and we Sing to music that comes out of Nowhere.
Now, where did you get a hot Glue gun? nice work, little orphan A-hole.
okay.
Okay.
Let's just walk through our Semi-complicated dance moves That you always learn in one Second.
And one, two, three.
four, five, sucks! Oh, and by the way, your Costumes have bedbugs 'cause Your singing bites.
what are we going to do, Mr.
Shue? Should I get pregnant again? no.
No, no, no.
I'll tell you what we're going To do.
We're gonna believe.
just a small town girl Living in a lonely world She took a midnight train Going anywhere just a city boy Born and raised in South detroit he took the midnight Train going anywhere don't stop believing Hold on to that feeling Streetlights people-oh Don't stop [ explosion .]
gilly! sorry [ laughter .]
[ cheers and applause .]
welcome to "the new Boyfriend talk show" starring Me, zach, and my sidekick, mom.
hi, sweetie.
hi, mom.
Okay, so my mom dates so many Awesome guys.
One day I thought, hey, maybe on Sunday when they wake up, I Should interview them before They hit the road.
I asked for permission, and she Said yes.
that's because no matter who Comes out of mommy's bedroom, You're still my number one guy.
awesome.
So mom, why don't you tell us About today's guest.
sure.
His name is mike something.
And he works as a cd organizer At borders.
okay, very cool.
Please welcome mike! hey, little buddy.
How you doing, man? welcome to "the new boyfriend Talk show.
" great to be here.
okay.
First question.
I got to ask, it's on Everybody's mind, are you my new Daddy? whoa! I -- You know -- I know you can't comment on That.
I had to ask, okay.
So we have something in common.
We're both huge fans of mom.
aww.
oh.
Yeah, yeah.
No, she's a cool lady.
give me an example.
uh, all right.
Well, on the car ride home, Uh -- she's just a cool lady.
[ laughter .]
awesome.
Now, mike.
I'm not sure if you're aware, But this is a very special day For us here at the show.
oh, yeah? Why's that, sport? because this is "the new Boyfriend talk show's" 100th Episode.
[ applause .]
what? wow! That just creeps up on you, That 100.
Congrats, zachy.
couldn't have done it without You, mom.
100? I'm the 100th guest? no, no, this is the 100th Episode.
There have been about 130 guests, right, mom? oh, honey.
I don't know.
Sometimes I think you remember These guys better than I do.
I'm sure I do.
It's been a great 100 episodes.
So lets take a look back at some Of our favorite memories from "the new boyfriend talk show.
" give me just a Little more time give me just a Little more time so many memories! was that joaquin phoenix? yeah, that was a weird Interview.
But it turned out he was Faking it.
yeah, he wasn't the only one.
yeah.
Well, we've had a lot of fun, But we've also dealt with some Serious issues.
That's why I'd like to take this Time to give a special shout-out To all of mom's boyfriends who Are currently serving overseas.
oh, my god! zach, sweetie, I've also got A surprise for you, honey.
In the four months since we Started this show -- that's all been in four Months? a few big stars have dropped By.
Some of them took time out of Their busy schedules to send in Messages.
Let's take a look.
gene simmons here.
Congrats to everyone at "the new Boyfriend talk show.
" Keep it real.
And keep it moist.
[ laughter .]
this is verne troyer saying "the new boyfriend talk show" With zach is shagadelic.
hey, magic johnson here.
I had a magic time on "the new Boyfriend talk show.
" Zach and that lady are a dream Team.
Go lakers! yeah.
Magic's a real friend of the Show.
oh, no.
Oh, no.
Oh, no.
Oh, boy.
so mom, who's our next guest Today? wait, there's someone else Today? oh, yeah.
We've also got two bands coming.
And also, I burned the eggs, so It's cookies for breakfast.
yay! [ applause .]
hi.
I'm christine o'donnell.
And I'm not a witch.
I'm nothing like you've heard.
I'm you.
And just like you, I have to Constantly deny that I'm a Witch.
Isn't that what the people of Delaware deserve? A candidate who promises first And foremost that she's not a Witch? That's the kind of candidate Delaware hasn't had since 1692.
And that's why, if elected to Human senate, I promise to fly Straight down to washington, on A plane, and do exactly what you Would do, not spells.
Besides, if I were a witch, why Wouldn't I just cast a spell Making all of you forget that I'm a witch? It's certainly not because the Spell requires one newt per Person and I lack a sufficient Number of newts.
[ laughter .]
I know the problems facing our Nation because I've been living Among you, since I moved to Delaware from the black forest Of germany almost 3,000 years Ago.
[ laughter .]
So this November 2nd, vote for Christine o'donnell.
Aka, zaraida the enchantress.
Because I'm not a witch.
And if I am, do you really want To cross me? I didn't think so.
paid for by the coven to Elect christine o'donnell, who Is not a witch.
[ cheers and applause .]
you're watching the game Show network.
At 10:00, it's "verb heards.
" But first -- "secret word.
" It's time to play the game the Stars play -- "secret word," with your host, Lyle round.
hello.
Hello! I'm lyle round.
My wife is in the hospital Having her baby.
Good luck to you.
[ laughter .]
So why don't we meet our first Guest.
She's better known for her work On the broadway stage, please Welcome mindy greyson! [ cheers and applause .]
here I am.
Isn't it grand? well, thank you for being Here, mindy.
You are looking ravishing, as Always.
oh, do I? Well, I sleep with my face in Mayonnaise.
I guess its working.
all right.
Our next guest is a hilarious Comedienne playing at the Concord hotel in the catskills.
Please welcome peggy zoeller! hey! I hope my face doesn't break the Camera.
What? Ha! you are a living riot.
Let's start the game.
Mindy, you're up first.
Are you ready? lyle, as the great playwright Once said to me, "oh, yeah.
" okay.
Quiet from the audience and ten Seconds on the clock.
the secret word is shrimp.
you ready? Hold my hand.
Look at me.
I'm only going to say this once.
Shrimp.
[ buzzer .]
[ laughter .]
you just said the secret Word, mindy.
I did, didn't I? I knew it as soon as I said "shrimp.
" When I see text before me, I Perform it.
I'm an actress.
This is my craft.
It's what I do.
It's my job to bring words to Life.
Who is this woman? Who is this shrimp? okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Sit down.
Let's move over to peggy's team.
the secret word is flat.
oh, what? I can relate to that.
Hello! Nothing down there.
I tell you what.
I went for a breast exam, and They brought out a floor waxer.
What? You're a great crowd.
That never happened.
What? time's running out.
I went shopping for a bra and Asked, "do you have anything for These?" And the sales girl said, "have You tried clearasil?" What? Because they're like pimples.
Do you get it? Did he win? no, peggy, you didn't give Any clues.
you're full of bananas, you.
Great crowd! you didn't.
And I am not full of bananas.
Well, no points on the board.
And my eye's starting to twitch.
Let's move back to mindy.
yes.
I'm ready to be seen again.
the secret word is fringe.
remember, do not say the Secret word this time.
you can count on me, lyle.
ten seconds on the clock.
okay, wait.
Can we just stop the clock? no.
I just have one question About the rules.
mindy, we went over this.
okay, but, am I allowed to Just -- am I allowed to say "fringe"? [ buzzer .]
I really need to win some Money here.
My children have tuberculosis.
oh, I know how that feels.
I had that very same disease in A play "teebie jeebies" where I Played a flapper named ginger Who coughed her way right out of The chorus and into her grave.
[ laughter .]
thanks.
my best to the kids.
I have tb, too.
Tiny boobs.
Zing! What? [ laughter .]
all right.
Back to you, peggy.
the secret word is cook.
oh, this is funny because I'm A terrible cook.
[ buzzer sounds .]
I asked my husband, what do you Want me to cook? And he looks at me with his Boxer shorts on.
And he says cook? Cook? Cook? You've burned sandwiches.
What? Now we're cooking.
[ buzzer .]
what's happening? peggy, you said the word "cook," like, 60 times.
I played a cook in a little Musical called "egg drop soup.
" It's the story of a little girl From the orient named chopped Suzy.
And this is her 11:00 number.
Hit it! no, no, no.
chopped suzy and The egg roll gang everywhere we go It's a shanghai surprise please stop.
stop? That's what the neighbors say When my husband and I make Whoopi.
Boy, are we verbal.
I say please and he says no.
You've been a great crowd.
oh, brother.
We'll be right back after these Messages.
look at me! don't look at her.
what seems to be the Problem? I just feel stressed out all The time.
I don't know what to do.
well, lets try something.
Shut your eyes.
Now take a deep breath.
And imagine that you're in the Middle of a big, peaceful Meadow, all alone.
A warm breeze floats by, Carrying the smell of fresh Flowers.
The sun caresses your face as You let go of all your fears and Worries.
And also, I'm there.
[ laughter .]
wait.
Why are you there? just relax, william, okay? It's all part of the process.
Stay with me.
Okay? okay.
so you're in the field.
You hear the sound of some birds Playing in the sunshine.
You breathe in.
And when you exhale, you feel All your troubles just melt Away.
And also I'm there dressed as an Ice cream miss sliding a Popsicle in and out of your Mouth.
wait.
What is that? it's okay.
All right.
Just -- let's take it a little Slower, okay? Now we're back in the field.
You're completely calm.
You let go of all the tension in Your neck.
You lie back.
And when you look up, there's a Golf ball on your privates, and I'm there teeing off with a 5 wood.
okay.
Yeah, that's not cool.
trust, william, trust, okay? Stay with me.
And we're in the field.
The cool breezes.
State of relaxation.
Nothing around you for miles.
It smells warm like fresh bread Coming out of an oven.
On top of that bread we've got Smoked ham, lettuce, tomato, a Little spicy mustard on top.
And then I guess a Diet dr.
Pepper.
Okay, see you in a little bit.
[ laughter .]
And we're in the field with the Breeze, the flowers, relaxed, Deep breath, friendly rabbit, a Little more popsicle.
okay.
What is going on? Are you even a therapist? all right, william, I'm going To level with you.
This is a new experimental Method that I'm developing.
okay.
and if it doesn't help you, It's a complete failure, then I'll waive my fee, okay? fine.
good! Okay.
This time we'll take a slightly Different approach.
Now you're in a perfect white Space.
Let all of your stress just Melts away.
okay.
This is nice.
an innocent girl approaches You and offers you a flower.
You warmly accept it.
And then she kicks you in the Crotch.
And then I walk over, and I kick You in the crotch.
That's it.
You can open your eyes now.
huh.
You know, I think that actually Worked.
I strangely feel better.
and that concludes phase one.
no! lets begin phase two.
[ laughter and applause .]
and there you go, ma'am, I Hope you enjoy it.
thank you so much.
no problem.
Thank you.
Next.
hi.
I just want to return this.
okay, ma'am, I should first Warn you that denzel washington Is working here today.
denzel washington? Here? yes.
seriously? That is so awesome.
What's he doing here? he's preparing for a role.
I guess it's his process.
so he's working here for a Movie role.
That's amazing.
yeah, in his movie I guess He's supposed to play an Ordinary retail employee who Gets this returned suitcase that Has a secret government Microchip accidentally left Inside of it which puts him in a Web of international intrigue.
wow, you know a lot about This.
he told me a about it about a Dozen times.
what's it called, "point of No returns"? yes, that's what it's called.
[ laughter .]
really? okay.
All right.
I found it, huh? Yeah.
I told you it was there.
Right? I specifically stated.
yes.
Yes, you did.
Thank you, denzel.
I knew it.
I knew it.
Oh.
Now, what can I help you with, Ma'am? Huh? you know what, denzel? I think I got this one.
no, no, no, no, no.
Got to learn.
Got to learn, right? Come on, darling, let's see what You got.
okay, well, I wanted to Return this bag.
oh, okay.
All right.
Let's take a look.
Okay.
Oh, look at this here.
This is nice.
It's very nice.
yeah, thank you.
you bought this? I did.
huh? This handbag right here? This is yours? yes, it is.
okay.
All right.
So let's see here.
So you bought this handbag For $340.
And now you want your money Back? That's what you're saying? That's what you're telling me, Right.
yes, yes.
okay.
$340, that's a lot of money to Be asking for back.
I mean, I'll give it to you.
Huh? okay.
I just want to ask you one Question.
What's wrong with it? Huh? what, with the handbag? that's right.
um, well, it's the wrong Color.
the wrong color.
She says it's the wrong color.
[ laughter .]
You knew what color it was when You brought it home.
Did it change color or Something? no.
no, it didn't.
So let me ask you this.
What color is this handbag? you know what? I can just help this lady.
oh, no, you won't! I asked her a simple question.
What color is this handbag? it's -- it's black.
oh, it's black, is it? That's what you're telling me, Right? It's black? yes.
and you don't like the color? no, it's just that it Doesn't -- excuse me? Speak up! [ laughter .]
You're at macy's.
There are rules and regulations.
If you've got a complaint, I Want to hear it.
it doesn't match my shoes.
it doesn't match your shoes, Huh? So, you don't have any black Shoes in your possession? Not any? That's what you're telling me? no.
huh? I have black shoes, just not The kind -- not the kind what? What? Not the right kind? oh, I didn't say that.
but you said wrong color, Didn't you? So I'm lying? So you're calling me a liar, Right? no, no.
huh? I didn't call you a liar.
it sounded like it to me.
Huh? Let me tell you something.
Don't you ever in your life call Me a liar.
but I didn't.
I just wanted to return -- oh, yes, you did.
I want to return the bag, Okay? well, then you've got to Answer the questions, darling.
I am answering the questions.
I took it home.
I don't like it.
It just happened.
And you're not letting me talk, You jack wad.
[ slow clap .]
[ laughter .]
oh, thank god.
hey, I like you.
You're feisty, aren't you? Yeah, I like that.
Let me go return this bag and Stop messing with you.
My man.
that wasn't too hard, right? of course not.
Okay.
I'm so glad we got that settled.
All right.
Who's next? Anyone? let me handle it.
no, it's okay.
I got it.
[ cheers and applause .]
ladies and gentlemen, Bruno mars.
[ cheers and applause .]
oh, her eyes Her eyes Make the stars look like They're not shining her hair, her hair Falls perfectly Without her trying she's so beautiful And I tell her every day yeah, I know, I know When I compliment her She won't believe me and it's so, it's so Sad to think she Don't see what I see but every time she asks Me do I look okay I say when I see your face There's not a thing That I would change 'cause you're amazing Just the way you are and when you smile The whole world stops And stares for awhile 'cause girl you're amazing Just the way you are her nails, her nails I could kiss them all day If she'd let me her laugh, her laugh She hates but I think it's so sexy she's so beautiful And I tell her every day oh, you know, you know You know I'd never ask You to change if perfect is what You're searching for Then just stay the same so don't even Bother asking If you look okay You know I say when I see your face There's not a thing That I would change 'cause you're amazing Just the way you are and when you smile The whole world stops And stares for awhile 'cause girl you're amazing Just the way you are the way you are The way you are Girl you're amazing Just the way you are when I see your face There's not a thing That I would change 'cause you're amazing Just the way you are and when you smile baby The whole world stops And stares for awhile 'cause girl you're amazing Just the way you are girl you're amazing Just the way you are [ cheers and applause .]
"weekend update with Seth meyers.
" I'm seth meyers, and here are Tonight's top stories.
delaware republican senate Candidate christine o'donnell Blamed her campaign's recent Troubles on unfair coverage in The liberal media.
Yep, the liberal media used two Of its favorite tricks on her, Record and play.
[ laughter .]
while speaking at a women's Conference in washington on Tuesday, president obama's Speech was interrupted when the Presidential seal on his podium Fell off two years early.
donald trump confirmed Wednesday that he is seriously Considering a run for president In 2012, though I'm not sure That we're going to solve the Unemployment crisis with a guy Whose catchphrase is, "you're Fired.
" [ laughter .]
north carolina state Representative larry brown Created a controversy this week When he sent an e-mail to other Lawmakers referring to Homosexuals as queers and Froot-loops, and the larry brown Gets caught with a male escort Countdown begins now.
[ laughter .]
the number one movie in America is "the social network," Which tells the story of Mark zuckerberg and the founding Of facebook.
Here to comment on the film is Facebook founder, Mark zuckerberg.
[ cheers and applause .]
hello, seth.
Hi.
so mark, you went and saw "the social network"? what? No, don't be ridiculous.
I'm 26.
I stole it online.
okay, gotcha.
So mark, "the social network" Has been criticized for some Inaccuracies.
So let's clear a few things Up now.
Did you create facebook just to Meet girls? um, gee, let me think.
Of course I did! Why does anyone do anything? I mean, why did you get on tv? touché.
Now, mark, the movie also claims You had only one friend in College.
that's totally, totally Inaccurate, seth.
I had three friends.
Because parents count.
I guess they do.
oh, wait.
Do turtles count? no.
okay, yeah, then just the Three.
okay.
So it's not true that you were a Loser who created facebook to Have a social life? again, how good was your Social life before you were On tv? touché.
I invented facebook, seth.
I didn't invent getting Successful to meet girls.
I guarantee that the first guy Who invented the wheel did was Roll it over some ladies.
Hey, girls.
It's called a wheel.
Hop on! I mean, please.
You think aaron sorkin doesn't Mention "the west wing" on Dates? We're men.
We use what we got.
now to be fair, mark, not Many people are going to feel Sorry for you.
You're 26 years old, you have $4 billion.
true, true.
But I am responsible with my Money.
I donated $100 million to the Newark school system.
yeah, well some people Thought you did that to look Good after the movie.
of course I did that to look Good after the movie.
What does it matter? It was $100 million.
That's hover board money.
okay.
So should folks at home see the Movie? yes.
That's my biggest problem with "the social network.
" I may not like what he says, but It's a really good movie.
Can we talk about casting, Please? I mean, shawn parker gets justin Friggin' timberlake and I get Jesse isenberg.
Its like, hey, we're making About steve jobs and bill gates.
Steve, you're going to be played By brad pitt.
And bill, you're going to be Played by a cardboard box with Glasses glued to it.
yeah, so do you have any Regrets at all? yes.
My one regret with facebook is Poking.
Poking is creepy and lame.
And getting an e-mail saying That your dad poked you is an Enormous bummer.
I know that now, and for that, I Apologize.
mark zuckerberg, everybody.
friend me! are you my friend, you are my Friend.
[ cheers and applause .]
eliot spitzer's new Political talk show Parker/spitzer premiered Monday To low ratings.
If you're having trouble Remembering which channel it's On, just remember client number Nine.
four states in the nation Including arizona, tennessee, Georgia and virginia have Recently enacted laws that Explicitly allow people to carry Loaded guns into bars.
So if you live in one of those States and are wondering how You're going to die, you're Gonna get shot in a bar.
[ laughter .]
a woman from florida is Claiming that her room at New york's famed waldorf astoria Hotel had bedbugs.
Super fancy bedbugs.
[ laughter .]
tulare county in california Has passed a law barring sex Offenders from decorating their Homes and handing out candy to Children on Halloween.
Kids are a little bummed out Because you know those guys have The best candy.
two russian born scientists Shared the nobel prize in Physics on Tuesday for Groundbreaking experiments with Graphene, the strongest and Thinnest material known to Mankind, not counting Kelly ripa.
[ laughter .]
She's thin and strong.
the u.
S.
State department Has extended its travel warning For citizens traveling in mexico Due to the escalating drug Related crime in and around the Border cities.
Here to talk about it from the Mexican board of tourism, Miguel conjeros.
[ cheers and applause .]
hola, seth.
welcome, welcome.
gracias.
So generous to have me on your Show.
I am a big fan of your work.
thank you very much.
Miguel conjeros.
[ cheers and applause .]
hola, seth.
welcome, welcome.
gracias.
So generous to have me on your Show.
I am a big fan of your work.
thank you very much.
tonight, I come here to speak Of mexico and its many Splendors.
The perfect vacation destination For young and old alike.
so, miguel, that's Interesting, but how has the Escalating drug activity near The borders affected tourism? que? Did you ask about the beaches? no, I didn't ask about the Beaches.
I would like to know more about The drug cartel activity.
I apologize.
You speak very fast.
My english is not so very good.
I'm not like jennifer lopez, Okay? yeah, but you seemed to Understand me pretty well Before.
yes, I'm like that.
It goes in and out.
no, I don't think so, miguel.
yeah, I think -- no, I don't.
I think so.
okay, well, I think we agree To disagree.
See, because tourists are wary Of traveling in mexico.
I mean, is there anything you'd Like to say to ease their drug Cartel fears? you know, when you're Talking, you're pushing your Words together.
It sounds like one big word.
I believe you asked me -- I Think the beaches, right? no.
will you do me a favor? Say one word at a time, leaving Space in between your words.
okay.
okay.
tourism -- yes.
okay? Has -- okay, yes.
been affected by -- that's three words.
[ laughter .]
But yes.
been affected by drugs.
[ laughter .]
that sounded like beaches.
drugs.
Drugs and drug cartels.
que? okay.
All right.
What about this story about Americans on jet skis being Attacked by mexican pirates? jet skis.
Yes, we have jet skis and zip Lines.
Come to mexico.
We have beaches, seth.
no, not the beaches.
What about the pirates? the parties.
no.
pirates.
the piñatas.
no, pirates.
palm trees? no.
if you're asking me if mexico Has parties with piñatas, the Answer is a resounding yes.
But if it's about anything else, I don't speak english.
all right.
please come to beautiful Mexico.
Adios! miguel conjeros, everybody! this week the "peanuts" this week the "peanuts" Comic strip marked its 60th Anniversary.
The strip follows the adventures Of a group of neurotic children Whose parents are all dead who Are being educated by an unseen Trombone player.
the Halloween costume Industry is saying that the Hottest costume this year is Lady gaga.
Of course by the time you finish Putting it on, it will be November 3rd.
according to a new study, 85% of men said that their Latest sexual partner had an Orgasm while only 64% of the Women surveyed reported having An orgasm.
I think the takeaway here is That women are kind of bad at Noticing their own orgasms.
[ laughter .]
for "weekend update," I'm Seth meyers! Good night! announcer: It's "the Suze orman show.
" [ applause .]
welcome to the show, my Dears and dearies.
[ laughter .]
Halloween is coming up fast, Ghoul-friends.
And don't be a dum-bum and waste Money on pricey treats for the Trick-or-treaters.
Do what I do.
Collect candy throughout the Year from doctors' offices and Nursing homes.
[ laughter .]
Put them in a bowl.
And when you see those cute Little bunions come up your Driveway, turn off your porch Light, turn on your sprinklers And go enjoy that candy yourself While sitting in an empty hot Tub.
You're welcome.
Now, I can't wait to tell you What happened to me on Sunday.
I woke up late and immediately Went out for a naked jog through My pumpkin patch.
Four painful bosom shakes into The run, I realized I was late For a charity event I was Hosting.
So I quickly got dressed, ran Down to the lake, hopped on my Covered jet ski that turns into A motorcycle and scooted on down To the tampax pearl women's Business expo.
It was a magical evening raising A lot of money for good ladies Who have small businesses and Big periods.
[ laughter .]
But the best part was that I ran Into a woman who was a real Blast from my past.
She was my very first roommate.
[ laughter .]
I shared expenses with -- during College and after that.
She is currently running a Not-for-profit animal rescue Which, like many charities right Now, is struggling.
I asked her to join me today to See if I could help.
Please welcome roma donk.
[ applause .]
hi, suze.
Thanks for having me on your Show, you big shot.
Look at this big desk and great Lights and great jacket.
it is so good to see you, Roma.
You look terrific.
And what is that scent you're Wearing? um, it's shampoo for severely Damaged hair.
oh, I remember.
[ laughter .]
Now, roma, don't hate me, but I Brought a picture of us when we Were at amelia earhart community College when we went to the Spring dance together.
[ laughter .]
oh.
Yeah, gosh those were good Times, but it was a long time Ago.
That was just a phase for me, Suze.
Gotta to try everything once.
a phase? For 12 years? On a single futon? well, actually, suze, I'm Married now.
I have a husband.
And I'm straight.
have you told that to your Haircut and your crocs? so back to you giving you Financial advice, okay? It's been hard to keep my animal Rescue going.
going like down a river? A river like denial? [ laughter .]
yeah, well, money's been Tight, but I have two jobs.
I charter fishing trips for Women in the military on a boat That I named "the ss tuna Schooner.
" [ laughter .]
still sticking with that Phase thing, huh? and during the week, I have a Street cart that sells cat Collars and wnba bobbleheads.
you are digging yourself a Big one, sister.
"lez" continue.
[ laughter .]
suze, I love my husband very Much, and you can ask anyone on My softball team.
strike three, you're gay.
[ laughter .]
suze, I'm here to talk about My animal rescue.
We focus on saving the lives Water birds.
right.
And the name of it is? indigo gulls.
[ laughter .]
We're currently looking for a Good home for this female duck.
oh, what a doll baby.
And what is her name? meredith quackster birney.
[ laughter .]
Well, this was fun.
I should go.
My husband and I have plans.
Come on.
Let's go, frank.
speak for yourself, miss Girl.
I'm having scones in the green Room with suze's hairdresser, And he's teaching me how to Crunk.
[ laughter .]
oh, suze, who am I kidding? I'm gay and I feel great.
well, you look like a million Dollars.
and you look like a vagillion Dollars.
[ laughter .]
there's the roma I remember.
Well it was great having you Here.
And I will see you at my next Sports bra fashion week party.
And remember everyone, it's People first, then money, then Things, then reconnecting with Old friends.
Bye-bye.
[ cheers and applause .]
tonight, the Philadelphia eagles and the San francisco 49ers in an east Coast/west coast battle.
I'm al michaels.
and I'm cris collinsworth.
This is "Sunday night football.
" all right, listen up, America.
It's Sunday night.
And that means football night Right here.
So let's hit it.
all right Sunday night Kicking back everybody looking at The quarterback san francisco Is the place to be 'cause it's Sunday night Football on nbc okay, we are coming to you Live from beautiful candlestick Park.
the eagles won the coin toss.
It's time for kickoff here on "Sunday night football.
" football, touchdown Sunday night the tough get rough In a primetime fight al and cris are the Best on tv and it's touchdown Time on nbc got to love that new theme Song.
yep, nothing says football Like a woman singing on a field.
I guess we're going back.
Sunday night football Here's the score Niners coming at you And they're o-4 eagles lost a quarterback Michael vick he used to fight dogs But tonight he's sick [ laughter .]
thank you for that Informative and long theme song.
But moving on -- Oh.
nbc, nfl Nbc do you know the eagles Have a rich history founded in the '30s By commissioner bell and a local businessman Named ludlow wray [ laughter .]
salsa olives sour cream dip spread it on a layer of Tortilla chips add some guacamole and some Melted cheese your mouth just scored a Touchdown here on nbc that was a nacho recipe.
[ laughter .]
touchdown Touchdown Touchdown time Sunday night and we're all Feeling fine there will be touchdowns That's a guarantee because the game already Started and it's 14-3 [ laughter .]
did she say the game already Started? what the hell? 49ers have 56 active players Here they are In no particular order kevin boss, jason hill and josh morgan 53 more to go on nbc we'll be right back after This with more theme song on "Sunday night football.
" [ cheers and applause .]
once again, bruno mars.
[ cheers and applause .]
if I told you I was Perfect I'd be lying if there's somethin' I'm not doin' Girl I'm tryin' I know I'm no angel But I'm not so bad No, no, no you should know there's Beautiful girls All over the world I could be chasing But my time would Be wasted they got nothing On you baby Nothing on you baby that was then.
This is now.
easy come, easy go That's just how you live oh Take, take, take it all But you never give should have known You was trouble From the first kiss had your eyes wide open Why were they open gave you all I had And you tossed it In the trash you tossed it in The trash you did to give me all your love Is all I ever asked 'cause what you don't Understand is I'd catch a grenade for ya Yeah, yeah, yeah throw my hand On a blade for ya Yeah, yeah, yeah I'd jump in front Of a train for ya Yeah, yeah, yeah you know I'd do Anything for ya Yeah, yeah, yeah I would go through All this pain Take a bullet straight Through my brain yes, I would die for Ya baby but you Won't do the same black, black Black and blue Beat me till I'm numb tell the devil I said hey When you get back To where you're from mad woman, bad woman That's just what you are yeah You'll smile in my face then Rip the brakes out of my car gave you all I had And you tossed it In the trash you tossed it in The trash, yes you did to give me all your love Is all I ever asked 'cause what you Don't understand is I'd catch a grenade for ya Yeah, yeah, yeah throw my hand On a blade for ya Yeah, yeah, yeah I'd jump in front Of a train for ya Yeah, yeah, yeah you know I'd do Anything for ya Yeah, yeah, yeah I would go through all This pain Take a bullet straight Through my brain yes, I would die For ya baby But you won't do the same if my body was on fire You'd watch me Burn down in flames you said you loved me You're a liar 'cause you never, ever Ever did baby but darling I'll still Catch a grenade for ya Yeah, yeah, yeah throw my hand On a blade for ya Yeah, yeah, yeah I'd jump in front Of a train for ya Yeah, yeah, yeah you know I'd do Anything for ya Yeah, yeah, yeah I would go through All this pain Take a bullet straight Through my brain yes, I would die For ya baby But you won't Do the same [ cheers and applause .]
are you being audited? Has the irs come to your home or Place of business? I'm patrick cox, founder of tax Masters.
Our professionals will solve Your tax problems.
Call us today.
We're tax masters.
and cut.
Great job, patrick.
You nailed it.
That was really nice.
are you sure it was okay? I mean, you don't want me to Face the camera more? no, no, no, no, please.
Just stay right where you are.
really? I mean I'm totally in profile.
Now, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
I know what this is about.
[ laughter .]
I do.
I know what this is about.
You guys don't want anyone to See my little half-formed twin Brother on the side of my head.
patrick, that's not true.
I didn't even notice that.
Did you guys notice anything? [ in unison .]
no! [ talking over each other .]
okay.
Well that's a wrap, guys.
no, wait, wait, wait, wait, Wait.
Hold on now, hold on.
Daniel's a good guy, okay.
Now come on, one more take.
fine, fine.
Okay, everybody we're going to Do one more take for daniel.
tax masters, take two.
Oh, god.
are you being audited? Have you not filed tax returns For years? Has the irs come to your home or Place of business? I'm patrick cox.
And this is my little brother, Daniel.
Our tax professionals are ready To help.
Call us today.
We're the tax masters.
and cut.
Okay, that was great.
Wasn't that great, guys? [ in unison .]
yeah.
you know, I'm so glad he did That one.
That one felt really good.
What are you guys doing Afterwards? You want to get some beers? I can't drink tonight.
I've got a long ride home.
I live out in calabasas.
hey! No kidding.
Well hello neighbor, we should Get dinner, just the three of us Sometime.
I don't know.
hey, wait a second, hold on.
I think daniel -- daniel thinks We should do another one.
roll camera, guys, quickly Please.
tax masters, take three.
I appreciate you doing this.
It's really nice of you.
no, no, no! are you being audited? Have you not filed tax returns For years? We're taxmasters.
I'm patrick cox.
and I'm daniel cox.
Call me today.
I'm not just a pretty face.
and thanks to bruno mars! It's been a blast! Good night, everybody! Thank you so much!
"ask gloria allred.
" Attorney gloria allred is a true Legal superstar.
Recognized the world over for Her near round-the-clock Television appearances and as a Tireless champion for society's Forgotten victims, from Scott peterson's girlfriend, Amber frey, to tiger woods's Mistresses numbers two, five, Nine and 11.
To the guy in the audience at The laugh factory the night Michael richards use the "n" Word.
Here now is gloria allred.
[ applause .]
hello and welcome to this Edition of "ask gloria allred.
" I'm gloria allred.
This week, many of you have Written or e-mailed to Congratulate me on my recent Press conference with Nikki diaz.
Nikki is the undocumented worker From mexico who was employed by Meg whitman, currently the Republican candidate for Governor of california, as a Housekeeper.
While working for the whitmans, Nikki suffered continuous Emotional abuse and was forced To perform a series of Horrendous and degrading tasks From sorting and washing laundry To vacuuming carpets and dusting Venetian blinds.
All under the threat that if she Did not perform these sickening Acts, they would not pay her.
It is a heart-wrenching story.
And many of you thanked me for Bringing it to the nation's Attention.
But some had questions.
For example, paul from Indianapolis asks, "as her Attorney, how could you let Ms.
Diaz announce on television That she's in the country Illegally? Because of your reckless Attention seeking, won't she be Arrested and deported?" That's a good question, paul.
I hadn't really thought About it.
I'm going to recommend that Nikki hire a good immigration Lawyer.
Karen from boston asks, "I saw Your latest freak show press Conference with ms.
Diaz, and I Have to ask, is there anything You won't do to push your Butt-ugly mug in front of a Camera?" Another good question, karen.
I have to think about that, but I guess my answer would be no.
Steven from new orleans asks, "why do you talk so loud? Or does it just seem that way Because your manner is so Grating?" Probably a bit of both, steven.
I'm naturally a very pushy Person and find that by talking Loudly, people are forced to Listen to me even if they would Prefer not to.
Kevin from ft.
Collins, Colorado, asks, "tell me, Gloria, has a more disgusting Creature than yourself ever Walked the face of the earth?" Wow! A lot of good questions tonight.
I don't know the answer, kevin.
I suppose since man in his Present form has been around for About 250,000 years, there must Have been somebody.
But I really can't say for sure.
Denise from nashville asks, "when you die, gloria, and you Go instantly to hell, which I Think we can all agree will Absolutely happen, will you just Burn with all the other Ambulance chasers who spent Their lives bringing misery into The world, or will there be a Special ring or level of hell Just for you?" Oh, my.
Denise, that is such a profound Question.
Who knows? All I can say is, I sincerely Hope so.
That would be nice.
Well, that's it for tonight's Show.
We'll see you next week.
Until then, please pay attention To me.
And live from new york, it's Saturday night! [ cheers and applause .]
announcer: It's "Saturday Night live.
" With -- Featuring -- Musical guest -- Bruno mars And your host -- Jane lynch.
-= InSUBs =- Ladies and gentlemen, Jane lynch! thank you! [ cheers and applause .]
Thank you! Thank you so much! It's so great to be here hosting "Saturday night live.
" And right off the bat, I just Want to say that you all look Taller in person, too.
[ laughter .]
I have had such an exciting Year.
I'm on an incredible show, "glee.
" [ cheers and applause .]
Now, folks, it's truly an Ensemble show, and I get to work With some amazing young people.
But as much as I love "glee," my One complaint is I don't get to Sing every week.
So I had the best idea.
That I should sing the theme Song.
But then I was told that "glee" Doesn't have a theme song.
So I said why not write one? And they said no.
And I took that no as a yes.
And I went home, I took out some Sheet music.
I sharpened some pencils.
I drank a couple of bottles of Tequila.
I blacked out.
[ laughter .]
And when I came to, I had Written this song.
Now, long story short, I sang it For the gang at "glee," and they Said, that its terrible.
But that's not going to stop me From singing it tonight.
So joining me on stage is a Classically trained, Fred armisen -- Thanks fred.
So here it is.
This is my theme to "glee.
" glee I like that, because it gets the Title out right away.
glee is a show About sue sylvester sue sylvester is The star of "glee" now yes, there are a few Other characters but sue is The one you want to see Okay, now I realize that that Sounds very conceited since I Play the part of sue sylvester, But blame my co-writer, Jose cuervo.
Bridge! when sue comes Down the hallway slushie cup at her side The faint of heart Better break way and part and the weak Should run and hide so he should run and hide we should run and hide You know what -- Now, singing this song, I Realize it's a really bad theme Song for "glee.
" Not a good idea, but I'm in the Middle of it, so I'll keep Going.
But I do really like this part Here, fred.
where did sue sylvester come From? No one knows.
Legend has it she was birthed From between two storm clouds.
Lightning hit the ground.
And from the billowing smoke Emerged the female figure Covered in dirt and wearing a Red sweat suit.
this will all be clay-mation.
and the villagers gathered And asked, are you a god? And the creature lifted her head And said, "no, I'm Sue sylvester.
" one, two, three! "glee" is a show About sue sylvester sue sylvester is The star of "glee" yes, there are some Other characters but sue sylvester Is played by me I'm sue sylvester I'm sue sylvester I'm sue sylvester I'm sue sylvester glee glee glee glee glee glee glee Glee glee glee glee glee glee Glee I'm sue sylvester [ cheers and applause .]
I won't ever sing that song Again.
Hey, we have a great show.
Bruno mars is here tonight.
Stick around.
We'll be right back.
oh, man.
Looks like you have a new friend Request.
oh, my god, this cannot be Happening.
well, it finally happened.
Your mom is on facebook.
[ laughter .]
Posting things like -- October means getting all my Fall motif sweaters out.
Or maybe I should just leaf them Up there.
Ha, ha, ha.
I am laughing out loud on the Floor.
sure, she likes posting about Her life, but she loves getting Into yours.
who's your new friend? She looks ill.
now you have to watch Everything you say.
Unless you get the "damn it, my Mom is on facebook" filter.
It's the only app that scans Your facebook page for stuff About drugs, alcohol, sex, References to your atheism and Opinions.
Go ahead and type something that Your mom would hate.
there isn't enough beer in The world for me to deal with All of glenn beck's holy roller B.
S.
now apply the "damn it, my Mom is on facebook" filter.
boy do I need dungarees.
[ laughter .]
I've got a $5 coupon from Kohl's.
I'll send it to you.
see, the "damn it, my mom is On facebook" filter does what You do naturally.
It lies to your mom.
sweet! even changing your photos to Make them more mom friendly.
[ laughter .]
The "damn it, my mom is on Facebook" filter.
For when your mom discovers Facebook.
like.
like.
[ cheers and applause .]
glee all right, all right.
Settle down, guys.
We've got a butt load of singing To do today, okay.
Regional's are this Friday, and We still don't have a theme for Our medley.
[ talking over each other .]
no! but mr.
Shue.
We gotta have a theme.
[ laughter .]
okay, take it down, mercedes.
Now, the way to find the perfect Theme is to just listen to our Hearts.
Just like I listen to myself on A tape that I was singing in the Car on the way over here.
I have the perfect theme.
Of course she does.
What if our theme is "believe"? did you say the theme should Be beaver? Because I have a pair of faux Beaver shorts that are not to Die four.
They're to die five.
Hey! she said believe, kurt.
Like, "believe me, I'm wearing a Condom.
" You guys know I had a baby, Right? [ laughter .]
believes a great idea.
what does the word mean Again? Believe? you guys take actual classes Here, right? hey, I'm smart.
I'm wearing glasses and that's The only thing that makes me Different from all of you.
yeah.
Yeah.
Okay.
So we found our theme.
Just like I found my note.
Oh, hello, sue.
Do you mind? We're practicing for regional's.
well, let me know when you're Done so I can scoop it out of The litter box.
oh, you are shady.
[ laughter .]
well, for your information, I Came down here to do you a Favor.
Puck is sick and won't be here To practice, so I found a Replacement.
A new student.
[ talking over each other .]
a new student that sounds Great.
You know what else sounds great? God, I wish I was in this glee Club! Okay.
Ha, ha, ha.
All right.
Who just hit me with a glee Slushy? someone you haven't met yet.
Here's your new student.
sorry.
her name is gilly She's at it again she's always causin' trouble Like a barnyard hen she's always causin' trouble Her hair looks like a bubble knock, knock Who's there it's gilly Ooh sorry.
all right.
All right, kids.
We have to start practicing as Soon as possible.
Or as I like to say -- asap no! Enough! Simon, you are our teacher! you're right.
All right.
Let's just start with some Scales, shall we? ow, ow, ow! It's hot glued onto my scalp.
It's burning me! all right.
Okay.
Who hot glued a tambourine onto Gay kurt's head? Was it you, mercedes? and I am telling you I didn't do it [ laughter .]
[ applause .]
you can just say no.
Was it you, artie? look at me.
You know I couldn't have done That because of my glasses.
[ laughter .]
right.
No, I apologize, artie.
mr.
Shue, I live to tattle.
It was gilly.
gilly, did you hot glue a Tambourine to gay kurt's head? Gilly? what? gilly? yes? gilly? sorry.
don't worry about me Ms.
Friends, I actually like This fabulous hat.
I look fierce in it.
you're damn right you look Fierce in it.
You're my gay son and I love Your hat! I support you! I love you, gay son! [ applause .]
love you, too, dad.
Now go away.
now, gilly, we don't do that Here.
We support each other, and we Sing to music that comes out of Nowhere.
Now, where did you get a hot Glue gun? nice work, little orphan A-hole.
okay.
Okay.
Let's just walk through our Semi-complicated dance moves That you always learn in one Second.
And one, two, three.
four, five, sucks! Oh, and by the way, your Costumes have bedbugs 'cause Your singing bites.
what are we going to do, Mr.
Shue? Should I get pregnant again? no.
No, no, no.
I'll tell you what we're going To do.
We're gonna believe.
just a small town girl Living in a lonely world She took a midnight train Going anywhere just a city boy Born and raised in South detroit he took the midnight Train going anywhere don't stop believing Hold on to that feeling Streetlights people-oh Don't stop [ explosion .]
gilly! sorry [ laughter .]
[ cheers and applause .]
welcome to "the new Boyfriend talk show" starring Me, zach, and my sidekick, mom.
hi, sweetie.
hi, mom.
Okay, so my mom dates so many Awesome guys.
One day I thought, hey, maybe on Sunday when they wake up, I Should interview them before They hit the road.
I asked for permission, and she Said yes.
that's because no matter who Comes out of mommy's bedroom, You're still my number one guy.
awesome.
So mom, why don't you tell us About today's guest.
sure.
His name is mike something.
And he works as a cd organizer At borders.
okay, very cool.
Please welcome mike! hey, little buddy.
How you doing, man? welcome to "the new boyfriend Talk show.
" great to be here.
okay.
First question.
I got to ask, it's on Everybody's mind, are you my new Daddy? whoa! I -- You know -- I know you can't comment on That.
I had to ask, okay.
So we have something in common.
We're both huge fans of mom.
aww.
oh.
Yeah, yeah.
No, she's a cool lady.
give me an example.
uh, all right.
Well, on the car ride home, Uh -- she's just a cool lady.
[ laughter .]
awesome.
Now, mike.
I'm not sure if you're aware, But this is a very special day For us here at the show.
oh, yeah? Why's that, sport? because this is "the new Boyfriend talk show's" 100th Episode.
[ applause .]
what? wow! That just creeps up on you, That 100.
Congrats, zachy.
couldn't have done it without You, mom.
100? I'm the 100th guest? no, no, this is the 100th Episode.
There have been about 130 guests, right, mom? oh, honey.
I don't know.
Sometimes I think you remember These guys better than I do.
I'm sure I do.
It's been a great 100 episodes.
So lets take a look back at some Of our favorite memories from "the new boyfriend talk show.
" give me just a Little more time give me just a Little more time so many memories! was that joaquin phoenix? yeah, that was a weird Interview.
But it turned out he was Faking it.
yeah, he wasn't the only one.
yeah.
Well, we've had a lot of fun, But we've also dealt with some Serious issues.
That's why I'd like to take this Time to give a special shout-out To all of mom's boyfriends who Are currently serving overseas.
oh, my god! zach, sweetie, I've also got A surprise for you, honey.
In the four months since we Started this show -- that's all been in four Months? a few big stars have dropped By.
Some of them took time out of Their busy schedules to send in Messages.
Let's take a look.
gene simmons here.
Congrats to everyone at "the new Boyfriend talk show.
" Keep it real.
And keep it moist.
[ laughter .]
this is verne troyer saying "the new boyfriend talk show" With zach is shagadelic.
hey, magic johnson here.
I had a magic time on "the new Boyfriend talk show.
" Zach and that lady are a dream Team.
Go lakers! yeah.
Magic's a real friend of the Show.
oh, no.
Oh, no.
Oh, no.
Oh, boy.
so mom, who's our next guest Today? wait, there's someone else Today? oh, yeah.
We've also got two bands coming.
And also, I burned the eggs, so It's cookies for breakfast.
yay! [ applause .]
hi.
I'm christine o'donnell.
And I'm not a witch.
I'm nothing like you've heard.
I'm you.
And just like you, I have to Constantly deny that I'm a Witch.
Isn't that what the people of Delaware deserve? A candidate who promises first And foremost that she's not a Witch? That's the kind of candidate Delaware hasn't had since 1692.
And that's why, if elected to Human senate, I promise to fly Straight down to washington, on A plane, and do exactly what you Would do, not spells.
Besides, if I were a witch, why Wouldn't I just cast a spell Making all of you forget that I'm a witch? It's certainly not because the Spell requires one newt per Person and I lack a sufficient Number of newts.
[ laughter .]
I know the problems facing our Nation because I've been living Among you, since I moved to Delaware from the black forest Of germany almost 3,000 years Ago.
[ laughter .]
So this November 2nd, vote for Christine o'donnell.
Aka, zaraida the enchantress.
Because I'm not a witch.
And if I am, do you really want To cross me? I didn't think so.
paid for by the coven to Elect christine o'donnell, who Is not a witch.
[ cheers and applause .]
you're watching the game Show network.
At 10:00, it's "verb heards.
" But first -- "secret word.
" It's time to play the game the Stars play -- "secret word," with your host, Lyle round.
hello.
Hello! I'm lyle round.
My wife is in the hospital Having her baby.
Good luck to you.
[ laughter .]
So why don't we meet our first Guest.
She's better known for her work On the broadway stage, please Welcome mindy greyson! [ cheers and applause .]
here I am.
Isn't it grand? well, thank you for being Here, mindy.
You are looking ravishing, as Always.
oh, do I? Well, I sleep with my face in Mayonnaise.
I guess its working.
all right.
Our next guest is a hilarious Comedienne playing at the Concord hotel in the catskills.
Please welcome peggy zoeller! hey! I hope my face doesn't break the Camera.
What? Ha! you are a living riot.
Let's start the game.
Mindy, you're up first.
Are you ready? lyle, as the great playwright Once said to me, "oh, yeah.
" okay.
Quiet from the audience and ten Seconds on the clock.
the secret word is shrimp.
you ready? Hold my hand.
Look at me.
I'm only going to say this once.
Shrimp.
[ buzzer .]
[ laughter .]
you just said the secret Word, mindy.
I did, didn't I? I knew it as soon as I said "shrimp.
" When I see text before me, I Perform it.
I'm an actress.
This is my craft.
It's what I do.
It's my job to bring words to Life.
Who is this woman? Who is this shrimp? okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Sit down.
Let's move over to peggy's team.
the secret word is flat.
oh, what? I can relate to that.
Hello! Nothing down there.
I tell you what.
I went for a breast exam, and They brought out a floor waxer.
What? You're a great crowd.
That never happened.
What? time's running out.
I went shopping for a bra and Asked, "do you have anything for These?" And the sales girl said, "have You tried clearasil?" What? Because they're like pimples.
Do you get it? Did he win? no, peggy, you didn't give Any clues.
you're full of bananas, you.
Great crowd! you didn't.
And I am not full of bananas.
Well, no points on the board.
And my eye's starting to twitch.
Let's move back to mindy.
yes.
I'm ready to be seen again.
the secret word is fringe.
remember, do not say the Secret word this time.
you can count on me, lyle.
ten seconds on the clock.
okay, wait.
Can we just stop the clock? no.
I just have one question About the rules.
mindy, we went over this.
okay, but, am I allowed to Just -- am I allowed to say "fringe"? [ buzzer .]
I really need to win some Money here.
My children have tuberculosis.
oh, I know how that feels.
I had that very same disease in A play "teebie jeebies" where I Played a flapper named ginger Who coughed her way right out of The chorus and into her grave.
[ laughter .]
thanks.
my best to the kids.
I have tb, too.
Tiny boobs.
Zing! What? [ laughter .]
all right.
Back to you, peggy.
the secret word is cook.
oh, this is funny because I'm A terrible cook.
[ buzzer sounds .]
I asked my husband, what do you Want me to cook? And he looks at me with his Boxer shorts on.
And he says cook? Cook? Cook? You've burned sandwiches.
What? Now we're cooking.
[ buzzer .]
what's happening? peggy, you said the word "cook," like, 60 times.
I played a cook in a little Musical called "egg drop soup.
" It's the story of a little girl From the orient named chopped Suzy.
And this is her 11:00 number.
Hit it! no, no, no.
chopped suzy and The egg roll gang everywhere we go It's a shanghai surprise please stop.
stop? That's what the neighbors say When my husband and I make Whoopi.
Boy, are we verbal.
I say please and he says no.
You've been a great crowd.
oh, brother.
We'll be right back after these Messages.
look at me! don't look at her.
what seems to be the Problem? I just feel stressed out all The time.
I don't know what to do.
well, lets try something.
Shut your eyes.
Now take a deep breath.
And imagine that you're in the Middle of a big, peaceful Meadow, all alone.
A warm breeze floats by, Carrying the smell of fresh Flowers.
The sun caresses your face as You let go of all your fears and Worries.
And also, I'm there.
[ laughter .]
wait.
Why are you there? just relax, william, okay? It's all part of the process.
Stay with me.
Okay? okay.
so you're in the field.
You hear the sound of some birds Playing in the sunshine.
You breathe in.
And when you exhale, you feel All your troubles just melt Away.
And also I'm there dressed as an Ice cream miss sliding a Popsicle in and out of your Mouth.
wait.
What is that? it's okay.
All right.
Just -- let's take it a little Slower, okay? Now we're back in the field.
You're completely calm.
You let go of all the tension in Your neck.
You lie back.
And when you look up, there's a Golf ball on your privates, and I'm there teeing off with a 5 wood.
okay.
Yeah, that's not cool.
trust, william, trust, okay? Stay with me.
And we're in the field.
The cool breezes.
State of relaxation.
Nothing around you for miles.
It smells warm like fresh bread Coming out of an oven.
On top of that bread we've got Smoked ham, lettuce, tomato, a Little spicy mustard on top.
And then I guess a Diet dr.
Pepper.
Okay, see you in a little bit.
[ laughter .]
And we're in the field with the Breeze, the flowers, relaxed, Deep breath, friendly rabbit, a Little more popsicle.
okay.
What is going on? Are you even a therapist? all right, william, I'm going To level with you.
This is a new experimental Method that I'm developing.
okay.
and if it doesn't help you, It's a complete failure, then I'll waive my fee, okay? fine.
good! Okay.
This time we'll take a slightly Different approach.
Now you're in a perfect white Space.
Let all of your stress just Melts away.
okay.
This is nice.
an innocent girl approaches You and offers you a flower.
You warmly accept it.
And then she kicks you in the Crotch.
And then I walk over, and I kick You in the crotch.
That's it.
You can open your eyes now.
huh.
You know, I think that actually Worked.
I strangely feel better.
and that concludes phase one.
no! lets begin phase two.
[ laughter and applause .]
and there you go, ma'am, I Hope you enjoy it.
thank you so much.
no problem.
Thank you.
Next.
hi.
I just want to return this.
okay, ma'am, I should first Warn you that denzel washington Is working here today.
denzel washington? Here? yes.
seriously? That is so awesome.
What's he doing here? he's preparing for a role.
I guess it's his process.
so he's working here for a Movie role.
That's amazing.
yeah, in his movie I guess He's supposed to play an Ordinary retail employee who Gets this returned suitcase that Has a secret government Microchip accidentally left Inside of it which puts him in a Web of international intrigue.
wow, you know a lot about This.
he told me a about it about a Dozen times.
what's it called, "point of No returns"? yes, that's what it's called.
[ laughter .]
really? okay.
All right.
I found it, huh? Yeah.
I told you it was there.
Right? I specifically stated.
yes.
Yes, you did.
Thank you, denzel.
I knew it.
I knew it.
Oh.
Now, what can I help you with, Ma'am? Huh? you know what, denzel? I think I got this one.
no, no, no, no, no.
Got to learn.
Got to learn, right? Come on, darling, let's see what You got.
okay, well, I wanted to Return this bag.
oh, okay.
All right.
Let's take a look.
Okay.
Oh, look at this here.
This is nice.
It's very nice.
yeah, thank you.
you bought this? I did.
huh? This handbag right here? This is yours? yes, it is.
okay.
All right.
So let's see here.
So you bought this handbag For $340.
And now you want your money Back? That's what you're saying? That's what you're telling me, Right.
yes, yes.
okay.
$340, that's a lot of money to Be asking for back.
I mean, I'll give it to you.
Huh? okay.
I just want to ask you one Question.
What's wrong with it? Huh? what, with the handbag? that's right.
um, well, it's the wrong Color.
the wrong color.
She says it's the wrong color.
[ laughter .]
You knew what color it was when You brought it home.
Did it change color or Something? no.
no, it didn't.
So let me ask you this.
What color is this handbag? you know what? I can just help this lady.
oh, no, you won't! I asked her a simple question.
What color is this handbag? it's -- it's black.
oh, it's black, is it? That's what you're telling me, Right? It's black? yes.
and you don't like the color? no, it's just that it Doesn't -- excuse me? Speak up! [ laughter .]
You're at macy's.
There are rules and regulations.
If you've got a complaint, I Want to hear it.
it doesn't match my shoes.
it doesn't match your shoes, Huh? So, you don't have any black Shoes in your possession? Not any? That's what you're telling me? no.
huh? I have black shoes, just not The kind -- not the kind what? What? Not the right kind? oh, I didn't say that.
but you said wrong color, Didn't you? So I'm lying? So you're calling me a liar, Right? no, no.
huh? I didn't call you a liar.
it sounded like it to me.
Huh? Let me tell you something.
Don't you ever in your life call Me a liar.
but I didn't.
I just wanted to return -- oh, yes, you did.
I want to return the bag, Okay? well, then you've got to Answer the questions, darling.
I am answering the questions.
I took it home.
I don't like it.
It just happened.
And you're not letting me talk, You jack wad.
[ slow clap .]
[ laughter .]
oh, thank god.
hey, I like you.
You're feisty, aren't you? Yeah, I like that.
Let me go return this bag and Stop messing with you.
My man.
that wasn't too hard, right? of course not.
Okay.
I'm so glad we got that settled.
All right.
Who's next? Anyone? let me handle it.
no, it's okay.
I got it.
[ cheers and applause .]
ladies and gentlemen, Bruno mars.
[ cheers and applause .]
oh, her eyes Her eyes Make the stars look like They're not shining her hair, her hair Falls perfectly Without her trying she's so beautiful And I tell her every day yeah, I know, I know When I compliment her She won't believe me and it's so, it's so Sad to think she Don't see what I see but every time she asks Me do I look okay I say when I see your face There's not a thing That I would change 'cause you're amazing Just the way you are and when you smile The whole world stops And stares for awhile 'cause girl you're amazing Just the way you are her nails, her nails I could kiss them all day If she'd let me her laugh, her laugh She hates but I think it's so sexy she's so beautiful And I tell her every day oh, you know, you know You know I'd never ask You to change if perfect is what You're searching for Then just stay the same so don't even Bother asking If you look okay You know I say when I see your face There's not a thing That I would change 'cause you're amazing Just the way you are and when you smile The whole world stops And stares for awhile 'cause girl you're amazing Just the way you are the way you are The way you are Girl you're amazing Just the way you are when I see your face There's not a thing That I would change 'cause you're amazing Just the way you are and when you smile baby The whole world stops And stares for awhile 'cause girl you're amazing Just the way you are girl you're amazing Just the way you are [ cheers and applause .]
"weekend update with Seth meyers.
" I'm seth meyers, and here are Tonight's top stories.
delaware republican senate Candidate christine o'donnell Blamed her campaign's recent Troubles on unfair coverage in The liberal media.
Yep, the liberal media used two Of its favorite tricks on her, Record and play.
[ laughter .]
while speaking at a women's Conference in washington on Tuesday, president obama's Speech was interrupted when the Presidential seal on his podium Fell off two years early.
donald trump confirmed Wednesday that he is seriously Considering a run for president In 2012, though I'm not sure That we're going to solve the Unemployment crisis with a guy Whose catchphrase is, "you're Fired.
" [ laughter .]
north carolina state Representative larry brown Created a controversy this week When he sent an e-mail to other Lawmakers referring to Homosexuals as queers and Froot-loops, and the larry brown Gets caught with a male escort Countdown begins now.
[ laughter .]
the number one movie in America is "the social network," Which tells the story of Mark zuckerberg and the founding Of facebook.
Here to comment on the film is Facebook founder, Mark zuckerberg.
[ cheers and applause .]
hello, seth.
Hi.
so mark, you went and saw "the social network"? what? No, don't be ridiculous.
I'm 26.
I stole it online.
okay, gotcha.
So mark, "the social network" Has been criticized for some Inaccuracies.
So let's clear a few things Up now.
Did you create facebook just to Meet girls? um, gee, let me think.
Of course I did! Why does anyone do anything? I mean, why did you get on tv? touché.
Now, mark, the movie also claims You had only one friend in College.
that's totally, totally Inaccurate, seth.
I had three friends.
Because parents count.
I guess they do.
oh, wait.
Do turtles count? no.
okay, yeah, then just the Three.
okay.
So it's not true that you were a Loser who created facebook to Have a social life? again, how good was your Social life before you were On tv? touché.
I invented facebook, seth.
I didn't invent getting Successful to meet girls.
I guarantee that the first guy Who invented the wheel did was Roll it over some ladies.
Hey, girls.
It's called a wheel.
Hop on! I mean, please.
You think aaron sorkin doesn't Mention "the west wing" on Dates? We're men.
We use what we got.
now to be fair, mark, not Many people are going to feel Sorry for you.
You're 26 years old, you have $4 billion.
true, true.
But I am responsible with my Money.
I donated $100 million to the Newark school system.
yeah, well some people Thought you did that to look Good after the movie.
of course I did that to look Good after the movie.
What does it matter? It was $100 million.
That's hover board money.
okay.
So should folks at home see the Movie? yes.
That's my biggest problem with "the social network.
" I may not like what he says, but It's a really good movie.
Can we talk about casting, Please? I mean, shawn parker gets justin Friggin' timberlake and I get Jesse isenberg.
Its like, hey, we're making About steve jobs and bill gates.
Steve, you're going to be played By brad pitt.
And bill, you're going to be Played by a cardboard box with Glasses glued to it.
yeah, so do you have any Regrets at all? yes.
My one regret with facebook is Poking.
Poking is creepy and lame.
And getting an e-mail saying That your dad poked you is an Enormous bummer.
I know that now, and for that, I Apologize.
mark zuckerberg, everybody.
friend me! are you my friend, you are my Friend.
[ cheers and applause .]
eliot spitzer's new Political talk show Parker/spitzer premiered Monday To low ratings.
If you're having trouble Remembering which channel it's On, just remember client number Nine.
four states in the nation Including arizona, tennessee, Georgia and virginia have Recently enacted laws that Explicitly allow people to carry Loaded guns into bars.
So if you live in one of those States and are wondering how You're going to die, you're Gonna get shot in a bar.
[ laughter .]
a woman from florida is Claiming that her room at New york's famed waldorf astoria Hotel had bedbugs.
Super fancy bedbugs.
[ laughter .]
tulare county in california Has passed a law barring sex Offenders from decorating their Homes and handing out candy to Children on Halloween.
Kids are a little bummed out Because you know those guys have The best candy.
two russian born scientists Shared the nobel prize in Physics on Tuesday for Groundbreaking experiments with Graphene, the strongest and Thinnest material known to Mankind, not counting Kelly ripa.
[ laughter .]
She's thin and strong.
the u.
S.
State department Has extended its travel warning For citizens traveling in mexico Due to the escalating drug Related crime in and around the Border cities.
Here to talk about it from the Mexican board of tourism, Miguel conjeros.
[ cheers and applause .]
hola, seth.
welcome, welcome.
gracias.
So generous to have me on your Show.
I am a big fan of your work.
thank you very much.
Miguel conjeros.
[ cheers and applause .]
hola, seth.
welcome, welcome.
gracias.
So generous to have me on your Show.
I am a big fan of your work.
thank you very much.
tonight, I come here to speak Of mexico and its many Splendors.
The perfect vacation destination For young and old alike.
so, miguel, that's Interesting, but how has the Escalating drug activity near The borders affected tourism? que? Did you ask about the beaches? no, I didn't ask about the Beaches.
I would like to know more about The drug cartel activity.
I apologize.
You speak very fast.
My english is not so very good.
I'm not like jennifer lopez, Okay? yeah, but you seemed to Understand me pretty well Before.
yes, I'm like that.
It goes in and out.
no, I don't think so, miguel.
yeah, I think -- no, I don't.
I think so.
okay, well, I think we agree To disagree.
See, because tourists are wary Of traveling in mexico.
I mean, is there anything you'd Like to say to ease their drug Cartel fears? you know, when you're Talking, you're pushing your Words together.
It sounds like one big word.
I believe you asked me -- I Think the beaches, right? no.
will you do me a favor? Say one word at a time, leaving Space in between your words.
okay.
okay.
tourism -- yes.
okay? Has -- okay, yes.
been affected by -- that's three words.
[ laughter .]
But yes.
been affected by drugs.
[ laughter .]
that sounded like beaches.
drugs.
Drugs and drug cartels.
que? okay.
All right.
What about this story about Americans on jet skis being Attacked by mexican pirates? jet skis.
Yes, we have jet skis and zip Lines.
Come to mexico.
We have beaches, seth.
no, not the beaches.
What about the pirates? the parties.
no.
pirates.
the piñatas.
no, pirates.
palm trees? no.
if you're asking me if mexico Has parties with piñatas, the Answer is a resounding yes.
But if it's about anything else, I don't speak english.
all right.
please come to beautiful Mexico.
Adios! miguel conjeros, everybody! this week the "peanuts" this week the "peanuts" Comic strip marked its 60th Anniversary.
The strip follows the adventures Of a group of neurotic children Whose parents are all dead who Are being educated by an unseen Trombone player.
the Halloween costume Industry is saying that the Hottest costume this year is Lady gaga.
Of course by the time you finish Putting it on, it will be November 3rd.
according to a new study, 85% of men said that their Latest sexual partner had an Orgasm while only 64% of the Women surveyed reported having An orgasm.
I think the takeaway here is That women are kind of bad at Noticing their own orgasms.
[ laughter .]
for "weekend update," I'm Seth meyers! Good night! announcer: It's "the Suze orman show.
" [ applause .]
welcome to the show, my Dears and dearies.
[ laughter .]
Halloween is coming up fast, Ghoul-friends.
And don't be a dum-bum and waste Money on pricey treats for the Trick-or-treaters.
Do what I do.
Collect candy throughout the Year from doctors' offices and Nursing homes.
[ laughter .]
Put them in a bowl.
And when you see those cute Little bunions come up your Driveway, turn off your porch Light, turn on your sprinklers And go enjoy that candy yourself While sitting in an empty hot Tub.
You're welcome.
Now, I can't wait to tell you What happened to me on Sunday.
I woke up late and immediately Went out for a naked jog through My pumpkin patch.
Four painful bosom shakes into The run, I realized I was late For a charity event I was Hosting.
So I quickly got dressed, ran Down to the lake, hopped on my Covered jet ski that turns into A motorcycle and scooted on down To the tampax pearl women's Business expo.
It was a magical evening raising A lot of money for good ladies Who have small businesses and Big periods.
[ laughter .]
But the best part was that I ran Into a woman who was a real Blast from my past.
She was my very first roommate.
[ laughter .]
I shared expenses with -- during College and after that.
She is currently running a Not-for-profit animal rescue Which, like many charities right Now, is struggling.
I asked her to join me today to See if I could help.
Please welcome roma donk.
[ applause .]
hi, suze.
Thanks for having me on your Show, you big shot.
Look at this big desk and great Lights and great jacket.
it is so good to see you, Roma.
You look terrific.
And what is that scent you're Wearing? um, it's shampoo for severely Damaged hair.
oh, I remember.
[ laughter .]
Now, roma, don't hate me, but I Brought a picture of us when we Were at amelia earhart community College when we went to the Spring dance together.
[ laughter .]
oh.
Yeah, gosh those were good Times, but it was a long time Ago.
That was just a phase for me, Suze.
Gotta to try everything once.
a phase? For 12 years? On a single futon? well, actually, suze, I'm Married now.
I have a husband.
And I'm straight.
have you told that to your Haircut and your crocs? so back to you giving you Financial advice, okay? It's been hard to keep my animal Rescue going.
going like down a river? A river like denial? [ laughter .]
yeah, well, money's been Tight, but I have two jobs.
I charter fishing trips for Women in the military on a boat That I named "the ss tuna Schooner.
" [ laughter .]
still sticking with that Phase thing, huh? and during the week, I have a Street cart that sells cat Collars and wnba bobbleheads.
you are digging yourself a Big one, sister.
"lez" continue.
[ laughter .]
suze, I love my husband very Much, and you can ask anyone on My softball team.
strike three, you're gay.
[ laughter .]
suze, I'm here to talk about My animal rescue.
We focus on saving the lives Water birds.
right.
And the name of it is? indigo gulls.
[ laughter .]
We're currently looking for a Good home for this female duck.
oh, what a doll baby.
And what is her name? meredith quackster birney.
[ laughter .]
Well, this was fun.
I should go.
My husband and I have plans.
Come on.
Let's go, frank.
speak for yourself, miss Girl.
I'm having scones in the green Room with suze's hairdresser, And he's teaching me how to Crunk.
[ laughter .]
oh, suze, who am I kidding? I'm gay and I feel great.
well, you look like a million Dollars.
and you look like a vagillion Dollars.
[ laughter .]
there's the roma I remember.
Well it was great having you Here.
And I will see you at my next Sports bra fashion week party.
And remember everyone, it's People first, then money, then Things, then reconnecting with Old friends.
Bye-bye.
[ cheers and applause .]
tonight, the Philadelphia eagles and the San francisco 49ers in an east Coast/west coast battle.
I'm al michaels.
and I'm cris collinsworth.
This is "Sunday night football.
" all right, listen up, America.
It's Sunday night.
And that means football night Right here.
So let's hit it.
all right Sunday night Kicking back everybody looking at The quarterback san francisco Is the place to be 'cause it's Sunday night Football on nbc okay, we are coming to you Live from beautiful candlestick Park.
the eagles won the coin toss.
It's time for kickoff here on "Sunday night football.
" football, touchdown Sunday night the tough get rough In a primetime fight al and cris are the Best on tv and it's touchdown Time on nbc got to love that new theme Song.
yep, nothing says football Like a woman singing on a field.
I guess we're going back.
Sunday night football Here's the score Niners coming at you And they're o-4 eagles lost a quarterback Michael vick he used to fight dogs But tonight he's sick [ laughter .]
thank you for that Informative and long theme song.
But moving on -- Oh.
nbc, nfl Nbc do you know the eagles Have a rich history founded in the '30s By commissioner bell and a local businessman Named ludlow wray [ laughter .]
salsa olives sour cream dip spread it on a layer of Tortilla chips add some guacamole and some Melted cheese your mouth just scored a Touchdown here on nbc that was a nacho recipe.
[ laughter .]
touchdown Touchdown Touchdown time Sunday night and we're all Feeling fine there will be touchdowns That's a guarantee because the game already Started and it's 14-3 [ laughter .]
did she say the game already Started? what the hell? 49ers have 56 active players Here they are In no particular order kevin boss, jason hill and josh morgan 53 more to go on nbc we'll be right back after This with more theme song on "Sunday night football.
" [ cheers and applause .]
once again, bruno mars.
[ cheers and applause .]
if I told you I was Perfect I'd be lying if there's somethin' I'm not doin' Girl I'm tryin' I know I'm no angel But I'm not so bad No, no, no you should know there's Beautiful girls All over the world I could be chasing But my time would Be wasted they got nothing On you baby Nothing on you baby that was then.
This is now.
easy come, easy go That's just how you live oh Take, take, take it all But you never give should have known You was trouble From the first kiss had your eyes wide open Why were they open gave you all I had And you tossed it In the trash you tossed it in The trash you did to give me all your love Is all I ever asked 'cause what you don't Understand is I'd catch a grenade for ya Yeah, yeah, yeah throw my hand On a blade for ya Yeah, yeah, yeah I'd jump in front Of a train for ya Yeah, yeah, yeah you know I'd do Anything for ya Yeah, yeah, yeah I would go through All this pain Take a bullet straight Through my brain yes, I would die for Ya baby but you Won't do the same black, black Black and blue Beat me till I'm numb tell the devil I said hey When you get back To where you're from mad woman, bad woman That's just what you are yeah You'll smile in my face then Rip the brakes out of my car gave you all I had And you tossed it In the trash you tossed it in The trash, yes you did to give me all your love Is all I ever asked 'cause what you Don't understand is I'd catch a grenade for ya Yeah, yeah, yeah throw my hand On a blade for ya Yeah, yeah, yeah I'd jump in front Of a train for ya Yeah, yeah, yeah you know I'd do Anything for ya Yeah, yeah, yeah I would go through all This pain Take a bullet straight Through my brain yes, I would die For ya baby But you won't do the same if my body was on fire You'd watch me Burn down in flames you said you loved me You're a liar 'cause you never, ever Ever did baby but darling I'll still Catch a grenade for ya Yeah, yeah, yeah throw my hand On a blade for ya Yeah, yeah, yeah I'd jump in front Of a train for ya Yeah, yeah, yeah you know I'd do Anything for ya Yeah, yeah, yeah I would go through All this pain Take a bullet straight Through my brain yes, I would die For ya baby But you won't Do the same [ cheers and applause .]
are you being audited? Has the irs come to your home or Place of business? I'm patrick cox, founder of tax Masters.
Our professionals will solve Your tax problems.
Call us today.
We're tax masters.
and cut.
Great job, patrick.
You nailed it.
That was really nice.
are you sure it was okay? I mean, you don't want me to Face the camera more? no, no, no, no, please.
Just stay right where you are.
really? I mean I'm totally in profile.
Now, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
I know what this is about.
[ laughter .]
I do.
I know what this is about.
You guys don't want anyone to See my little half-formed twin Brother on the side of my head.
patrick, that's not true.
I didn't even notice that.
Did you guys notice anything? [ in unison .]
no! [ talking over each other .]
okay.
Well that's a wrap, guys.
no, wait, wait, wait, wait, Wait.
Hold on now, hold on.
Daniel's a good guy, okay.
Now come on, one more take.
fine, fine.
Okay, everybody we're going to Do one more take for daniel.
tax masters, take two.
Oh, god.
are you being audited? Have you not filed tax returns For years? Has the irs come to your home or Place of business? I'm patrick cox.
And this is my little brother, Daniel.
Our tax professionals are ready To help.
Call us today.
We're the tax masters.
and cut.
Okay, that was great.
Wasn't that great, guys? [ in unison .]
yeah.
you know, I'm so glad he did That one.
That one felt really good.
What are you guys doing Afterwards? You want to get some beers? I can't drink tonight.
I've got a long ride home.
I live out in calabasas.
hey! No kidding.
Well hello neighbor, we should Get dinner, just the three of us Sometime.
I don't know.
hey, wait a second, hold on.
I think daniel -- daniel thinks We should do another one.
roll camera, guys, quickly Please.
tax masters, take three.
I appreciate you doing this.
It's really nice of you.
no, no, no! are you being audited? Have you not filed tax returns For years? We're taxmasters.
I'm patrick cox.
and I'm daniel cox.
Call me today.
I'm not just a pretty face.
and thanks to bruno mars! It's been a blast! Good night, everybody! Thank you so much!