The Simpsons s36e03 Episode Script

1
[BOTH GRUNTING]
Can you just?
Never mind.
[BOTH GROANING]
What's up with Blue Tip and Starfish?
Oh, those two have been fighting
like Don Draper and Pete Campbell
after they lost the
Lucky Strike account.
What? Krusty's in reruns.
Lisa and I weren't fighting.
It was just a series of calm,
constructive conversations.
What? That's not how I remember it.
Lisa was like,
[HIGH-PITCHED] "I hate this town.
Everyone's stupid."
[REGULAR VOICE] And you were like
[HOARSE] "Lisa's driving me crazy.
"We should send her to Capital City
with my sisters for the weekend."
[REGULAR VOICE] That may
not be word-for-word.
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]
- [BOTH GROAN]
- Train for Capital City
leaving in five minutes!
Please wrap up all family arguments
and bid a quiet, poignant goodbye.
All aboard!
[EXHALES]
Bye, Lisa,
and have a great time in
the city with your aunties.
I got you a little snack for the train.
[LISA GROANS]
Mom, you know Apple Zoom
is full of chemicals.
And it's owned by
Thanks, Mom.
[WHISTLE BLOWS]
[MARGE GROANS]
[CHUCKLES]
I'm glad I don't have a daughter.
♪
[LISA] Wow.
Capital City.
[HORNS HONKING]
God, there's just so much
I want to see and do here.
The Museum of Modern Museums.
The Prussian Coffee Room.
[GASPS] The Unidentified State Building.
Oh, and tomorrow is the Highbrow
Artists Parade. [GIGGLES]
But the thing I really want to see
is the statue of the Fearless Girl
facing down the gorilla
that symbolizes fossil fuels
and wasteful fast food packaging.
[PATTY GRUNTS]
What do you know?
You can let us out at the next block.
[LISA] This is the
touristy part of the city.
- Where are we going?
- To the finest restaurant in town.
The Laramie Cigarette Smokehouse Grill.
[LISA GROANS]
Bring us the Tuna Tar-Tar.
With extra tar.
- Cigs in a Blanket.
- Philly Wheeze Steak.
- Vape Suzette.
- And for dessert,
the Phlegm Brûlée.
Can we go now?
We've wasted the whole day here.
Cool your jets, toots.
Aunties need their post-meal smoke.
- [ALARM SOUNDING]
- Sorry, ladies, no smoking.
Take it outside. Hi-yah!
[PATTY AND SELMA GRUNT]
Patricia Bouvier?
Julian.
- [PATTY MOANS]
- Mwah.
I saw on Facebook that
you were coming to town.
Why didn't you call me,
you two gorgeous minxes?
[BOTH LAUGH]
Lisa, this is my friend Julian.
We met last year at the
Capital City pride parade.
I still think our float
should have won first prize.
Stunning.
Oh, is that a book of poetry
by Sylvia Plath?
Yes, it is.
Poor, dear Sylvia.
The world's loss was that oven's gain.
I'm a poet myself, also a novelist,
essayist, playwright,
and author of the occasional
scalding Airbnb review.
Oh, those are all things I'd like to be
when I grow up and leave Springfield.
Oh, my God, that's your hometown?
Hi, I'm Katya.
I actually rent there
to take photographs
for my prize-winning show
Freaks of the 'Field.
Look at these and react to them.
I can't watch.
[LISA] Oh. Oh
Eh.
I won a lot of prizes for these.
Isn't that weird?
No, I think they're great.
That's what everyone says.
It's so crazy.
[COUGHS]
Oh, this is my husband Lars.
He's a brilliant painter.
[GRUMBLING]
♪
Oh, wow. Somehow I sense
you're craving love and connection
in an uncaring world.
And also an extra-large cookie.
Mm-hmm.
Lisa, for a little girl
in a lampshade dress,
you seem very sophisticated.
Really? Well, I try.
I mean, I don't try.
It's effortless. [CHUCKLES]
Oh, my God,
I just had the kind of amazing idea
that everyone thinks is stupid
but then I'm totally right.
You should come to our party tonight.
It's in our loft,
north of Hobart Street,
south of Gordon Avenue,
and below the Joseph
Torrance Expressway.
NoHoSoGoBloJoTo?
That's the coolest,
most artistic neighborhood in town.
- [GASPS] Can we go?
- Oh, no, kid.
We're gonna take you to
something you're gonna love.
-
- Eh?
[THROUGH TEETH] Thanks, Aunt Selma.
You know me so well.
Well, if you change your minds,
we'll be around for a little longer,
sneering at Midwestern tourists.
- [GROANING]
- Barf.
Maybe we could go to their
party after the musical.
Juice-ical. [GAGS]
- A-Are you okay?
- Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Just a little indigestion.
We'll be fine.
[BOTH RETCHING]
[PATTY] I knew there was something off
about that menthol swordfish.
[RETCHING CONTINUES]
[SIGHS]
[MAN ON TV] Me encanta Ciudad Capita
- [TURNS OFF TV]
- [RETCHING CONTINUES]
Out of our way, kid.
We got to either sleep or die,
and we don't care which one.
[BOTH SNORING]
- [PHONE CHIMES]
- Hmm?
Hmm.
Oh, yes. By all means,
take a picture with
that off-brand Pikachu.
What a precious keepsake that will be.
Hi. Hi. Hi.
My aunts are feeling a
little under the weather,
so they said I should hang out with you.
They said a small child
should spend the night
exploring the bohemian demimonde
with a bunch of effete gadabouts?
That's what they said.
Hmm.
["BULL IN THE HEATHER"
BY SONIC YOUTH PLAYING]
So, Lisa, what do you think, Lisa?
I think I'm home.
This place is a dream.
Everyone's so cool,
and the art is all
nonrepresentational.
Oh
Oh, my God.
Lars, that is so brilliant.
I seriously wish I'd
married someone else
so I could cheat on my husband with you.
Now let's get everything to the gallery.
What, now?
Yup. Our group show opens tomorrow
at the Museum of Loft-Based
Transgressive Progressivism,
so we have to get all
our work there tonight.
Okay, everyone, grab a canvas,
sculpture or performance artist.
Uh-ho! Whoa!
Hey, can I get a little help, please,
from The Inhuman Capotes?
Writers are liars who
tell the truth for money.
But I'm asking if
you're helping us move.
If you're gonna stab me in my back,
do it to my face.
[GROANS]
Don't mind him, he's the worst.
We used to be a throuple.
He was incredible. I wish he was dead.
You need one of these.
Hmm.
["BULL IN THE HEATHER"
BY SONIC YOUTH PLAYING]
Lisa, you're a dear and a doll,
and you carried Kool-Aid
Jesus without spilling a drop.
Oh, my God, it's so late.
I really should get
back to Patty and Selma.
But, darling,
the night is just beginning.
This is your moment.
And we have tickets to
see an avant-garde play
that starts at 1:00 a.m.
Well, I would hate
to wake up my aunties.
[BOTH SNORING]
[LISA] God, I love art.
And I love this city.
Punks, poets, madmen, monologists.
[GASPS]
Superintendent Chalmers?
Sweet vermouth in a snifter.
Lisa Simpson.
Hey, Gary. Hurry up here
with them Reuben sammies.
You and me got a long night
of doinking ahead of us.
Uh, we're putting on a staff excursion,
and, uh
Of course.
- Continuing education is, uh
- No need to explain.
- [STAMMERS]
- Makes perfect sense.
a life-long learning endeavor.
Oh, that's interesting.
[JULIAN] Lisa,
we're running late.
Stop talking to that balding stallion.
[LAUGHS] I don't know
about stallion, but
Yes.
[GASPING]
This is so moving.
That poor man has been
transformed into a cockroach.
And there's his unfeeling father.
- [SPEAKING GERMAN]
- [SHOUTING]
[WAILING]
Leave him alone!
[CROWD GASPS]
Who just interrupted my play?
How dare you desecrate
the hallowed boards
of this converted
rooster-fighting arena?
Pulitzer Prize-winning
playwright Tracy Letts?
You wrote this?
And I play the enormous shoe
that steps on the
cockroach in act three.
It's a loafer with a backstory.
Not that they'll ever get to see it now!
- I'm sorry I
- Interrupted?
Young lady,
this play has run for over a year,
and you're the very
first person to interfere
and save the cockroach,
proving you're one of the most sensitive
and artistically attuned people
I've ever met.
Give her a round of applause.
My two Tony Awards command you!
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
This kid is incredible.
She gives me hope for
the next generation
of self-important know-it-alls.
Oh. [LAUGHS]
Yes, she's truly a special young person,
just brimming with precocity.
In fact, I was thinking
she might be a good fit
for the Horace Frick Academy.
HFA? [GASPS]
That's the school I would never dream of
letting myself hope that I could aspire
to imagine going there.
Well, Lisa,
I'm on the board of trustees.
Go Fighting Tote Bags!
And I think I might just be
able to guarantee you a place.
- When would I start?
- Next month.
And what does it cost?
$84,000 a year.
But how would I ever pay for that?
Not my problem!
Now, if you'll excuse me, I just thought
of an awesome play, and I have to go
scream it into my phone.
Curtain rises on Dave & Buster's.
Everyone is dead.
Oh, I would love to attend that school.
But my mom and dad don't
have that kind of money.
- Oh, that's so terrible.
- Wait just a moment.
I know a wealthy benefactress
who might be able to help you.
Lacey Van Aster.
She's a little eccentric.
But something tells me she'd adore you,
just like we adore you.
I misread this.
To the forbidden zone.
The Upper East Side.
["BULL IN THE HEATHER"
BY SONIC YOUTH PLAYING]
It's really late.
Are you sure she's up?
Oh, yes, she's a well-known night owl.
And a bit of a speed freak.
Vroom, vroom.
Teddy Roosevelt, Franklin Roosevelt,
Eleanor Roosevelt.
Oh, every one of them I seduced.
And destroyed.
Lacey, darling,
we always enjoy your delightful stories,
but we'd like to discuss
your scholarship fund
for children from, how shall we say,
tragic cultural wastelands.
Yes, my lucrative bursary.
But first there is an
extensive interview process.
All right, then, first of all,
how are you, dear?
I'm okay.
The scholarship is yours.
- Huzzah!
- Yay!
Hip-hip-hoorah!
Good night, Lisa.
I've only known you for a day,
but I can tell that
you're an artist at heart.
Thank you, Katya.
I can't believe I'll be going
to school in Capital City.
And then from there I'll become
a critically acclaimed writer,
an artist,
and member of the cognoscenti.
Cognoscenti.
[BOTH] Cognoscenti, cognoscenti,
cognoscenti!
[LAUGHS]
It's all in front of me.
Someday I'll be in that photograph.
[YAWNS]
Wait a second.
Why are they posing with Martin Prince?!
[JULIAN] Therein lies a tale, Lisa.
- [LISA GASPS]
- Every year self-impressed little bookworms like you
and Martin Prince come to the big city,
where we convince them that
they could one day be one of us
just by attending Horace Frick Academy.
But there's just one problem,
my little swannabe.
Nobody you've met tonight has
any connection to that school.
What? Not even Tracy Letts?
Especially Tracy Letts.
Behind these supporting
actor good looks,
I'm a world-class fraud.
You were naive enough to believe
that you could get into that school.
And that Roosevelt-doinking
crone Mrs. Van Aster
was naive enough to make
out the tuition check to us.
And you fell for it hook,
Letts and sinker.
[LAUGHS]
You eight-year-old fool.
But why do you need to steal money?
I thought you all supported
yourselves by making art.
[ALL LAUGHING]
It is to laugh.
Oh, this is awful.
I'm gonna report you to
the Capital City Police.
Ha! I'm sure they'll take the
word of an infamous art thief.
There you are.
But I was helping to move that art.
I wasn't stealing it.
Oh, I know you're innocent.
But this damning footage
has already gone out
to the entire artistic
community of Capital City.
And it's not a good look.
The only thing an artist hates more
than an art thief is themselves.
[ALL LAUGHING]
No!
- Yoink!
- [GASPS]
Our ill-gotten gains!
♪
[CROWD CLAMORING]
God, they got this show
together so fast.
[CROWD CLAMORING]
[WHIMPERING]
[TIRES SCREECH]
Please answer.
[MAN ON TV] I knew just one thing.
We were not going to
lose the ringtone wars.
And that's when I came up with this.
["BY THE SEASIDE" RINGTONE PLAYING]
- Whoa!
- Whoa!
Check it out,
it's almost 5:00 in the morning.
We've almost watched this
entire 12-hour documentary
about the history of ringtones.
Best 12 hours ever! [GRUNTS]
[GROANS]
[GRUNTS] Superintendent Chalmers?
Now you're here?
No [STAMMERS]
In the interest of, uh,
of fumfering, I, um [CHUCKLES]
Gary, doinking.
Look, Lisa, sometimes
when grown-ups get bored,
they start playing pickleball
or they learn to make sourdough bread
or they book two different
romantic getaways
with two different women who
don't know about each other.
- It's-it's a very common thing.
- [FOOTFALLS APPROACHING]
Mr. Chalmers, would you please,
please help me hide?
Just for a little while?
Oh, I'd love nothing more, but, um
And I would love not to
tell the school board
about your extracurricular activities.
[GROANS] This has been the
worst night of my life!
I came to Capital City
because I wanted to get away
from the dead-eyed
ding-dongs in Springfield.
No offense.
And then these horrible people
came in my room and told me
Gary, you son of a bitch, I'll kill you!
[ALL SHOUT]
[HARDCORE PUNK PLAYING]
[BOTH GRUNTING]
I make decisions with precision,
lost inside ♪
- [BOTH SCREAM]
- Settle, settle.
Dora, can we just talk about this?
No, we can't!
[CHUCKLES] Okay, then.
In this world we all must pay,
pay to write, pay to play ♪
[HORN HONKS]
Not long ago, when things were slow,
we all got by ♪
- Ooh! Ooh!
- [HORN HONKS]
Superintendent Chalmers!
There's that pilfering little urchin.
[WHIMPERING]
[COCKROACH GREGOR SAMSA] Wait up, guys!
[PANTING]
[GASPS]
[SIGHS WEARILY]
It's never been more past my bedtime.
I'm too tired to run anymore.
[GASPS]
Desperate times call for
high-fructose corn syrup.
She drank the juice.
A mother knows.
[LISA] Hey, art jerks!
Your work is derivative,
and you're all old!
[ALL GASP]
[GRUNTS]
Oh, it's the Fearless Girl statue.
Goldman Sachs?
Ew.
I hate this city!
[GRUNTS]
These are balloons from the
Highbrow Artists Parade.
[GASPS] That's today.
They are relentless.
Thank God for this balloon.
Aah!
- Joan Didion?
- [JULIAN LAUGHS]
How ironic,
you're clinging to Joan Didion,
but you're clearly John Gregory Donne.
[LAUGHS]
I hate that I get that.
But you'll never get this.
[ALL GASP]
She ripped up the check.
Well, then do something about it,
you second-rate Cindy Sherman!
[WHIMPERING]
- [KATYA GRUNTS]
- What the hell are you doing?
If there was a gun in the first act,
I would shoot you right now.
I'm setting her free.
Goodbye, Lisa!
Never forget the essence
of being an artist.
Having rich parents.
You can still resent them horribly,
just take their money!
It is easy to see the
beginnings of things
and harder to see the ends.
I can remember now with a clarity
that makes the nerves in the
back of my neck constrict
when the city began for me,
but I cannot lay my finger
upon the moment it ended.
Can never cut through the ambiguities
and second starts and broken resolves
to the exact place on the
page where the heroine is
no longer as optimistic as she once was.
How are you talking to me?
You haven't slept in 24 hours.
Hmm, makes sense.
- [LOUD POP]
- [AIR HISSING]
Lisa.
Superintendent.
Good morning, today we'll be reading
from The Firecracker Who
Didn't Want to Go Boom.
[STUDENTS] "'I like quiet things!'
said the firecracker.
'Why does everything in the
world have to be so loud?'"
[LISA SIGHS]
"'Things like sirens and jackhammers
and tugboat whistles
and big brass drums!'"
["BULL IN THE HEATHER"
BY SONIC YOUTH PLAYING]
Bettin' on the bull
in the heather. ♪
Shh!