The Simpsons s36e04 Episode Script

1
♪
[GRAMPA] They say women
are like soda water.
They go better with a gallon of scotch.
And when the weather's hot,
we drink a lot.
And sometimes it's so hot,
people open their
windows to let the air in
and their secrets out.
- [WHIRRING STOPS]
- No.
No, don't go.
Your tiny feet are so cool.
Wait, I know a place to go,
where the people always
say it's too cold.
[FRUSTRATED GRUNTING]
Get your own cooling duct!
Typical. My entire life,
you've never done one nice thing for me,
and I'm always kind and loving.
So redirect that A/C or we're
moving you to a worse home.
There is no worse home.
I mean the one they put veterans in.
You monster! Elder abuse!
What took you so long?
I'm not sure what you're talking about,
Abe "Grampa" Simpson,
but we need your help
with an investigation.
And I mean now.
They're digging up these
poor people's graves?
Now, don't worry.
They're putting up a monument
to the suffering of
these unfortunate souls.
- [TRUCK BEEPING]
-
What are we doing here?
We're here because when
they dug up one grave,
they saw something no one should see.
Come on, kids, let me show you.
Get your phones.
Somebody snuck a second body in here.
And on that extra body, we found this.
[LISA] "Simpson and O'Donnell,
"private investigators.
Ask for Abe"?
Grampa, you were a private detective?
Takes you an hour to find your socks.
All right, Wiggum, you showed me
what you wanted to show me.
Now, in this country,
a man can say what he wants
and do what he wants.
Except on college campuses,
where you can say some
things but not others
and it's unclear which.
Hey, you can leave anytime,
after you explain
how your business card got on that body.
Fine, I'll talk, but only at the home,
with a nurse call button nearby.
Those things aren't even hooked up.
Pushing the button is my exercise.
See?
Oh, I never saw that part before.
You think it's hot today?
It's nothing compared
to the summer of '82.
It was like living inside
the sun with the heat on.
Billy and me had been partners
for a couple of years.
There was plenty of work.
Divorce cases,
roller derby hit-and-runs.
But this particular day was mighty slow.
Ah, nice shot. You should be in the NBA.
You, too, pal.
You look great in short shorts.
You mean the shorts that
everybody wears now in the '80s?
Then she came in.
I was looking for a detective,
but it seems I found a
mutual admiration society.
Are you here to join?
First I'd have to admire you.
I'm Agnes Skinner,
and I want you to follow my boyfriend.
Oh? Who's your boyfriend?
A rich bald vulture by the
name of Montgomery Burns.
Well, I think he's cheating on me
with someone younger and sexier.
- I don't buy your story.
- Which part?
The part where there's someone
younger and sexier than you.
Mm. It just got really hot in here.
Towel me off?
Ah
Are you my new mommy?
'Cause I'm owed a lot of tucking in.
[SIGHS] Uh, Daddy's, uh, busy, son.
Wh-Why don't you play
with these handcuffs?
Oh, boy.
Hmm. If you're babysitting,
I guess I'll take my business elsewhere.
Oh, hold on, hold on, hold on.
What if I go with Agnes,
you know, and kind of check things out?
Okay, but remember,
you're representing the firm,
so act professional.
Ah, yes.
[SCATTING]
Oh, I don't get a new mommy?
I'll be your daddy and your mommy, son.
Now be quiet and leave me alone.
And that was that.
Now if you're finished,
it's Tapioca Tuesday
and I'm jonesing for
something bland and lumpy.
[ALL MOANING] Tapioca. Tapioca.
Hmm.
Slow down, there, Humphrey Go-kart.
What did your partner
say when he got back?
Nothing, which isn't surprising,
because he never came back.
Never came back? What did you do?
Got new business cards.
"Abe Simpson and nobody,
private investigators."
[LOW] I'm not surprised.
My dad never does anything for anybody.
Homer, let the policemen give
your dad the third degree.
Wiggum, I'm done singing.
But here's an encore for you: get lost!
Oh, yeah?
How'd you like it if we put you
in an interrogation room
with a bare light bulb,
no bathroom and a cold steel
chair with an uneven leg?
I'd call that an upgrade.
[ELECTRICITY BUZZES]
Okay, fine, we'll leave. For now.
But I am officially declaring
you a person of interest.
Wow, Grampa, you're finally interesting.
Can we hang out?
- Yeah, but I ain't talking.
- Perfect.
I can't believe it.
Would Grampa really not
look for his partner?
That's exactly what he would do.
He didn't look for his missing wife.
He couldn't find a runaway dog.
He didn't realize I was lost at the zoo
until the chimpanzee in
the car seat threw up.
He still sends that
monkey birthday cards.
Maybe I could get some answers
from a forensic analysis
of the old business card.
Lisa, I don't like it when
you dust for residues.
Please, please, please.
I promise I'll only look for splatter.
Okay, but put down newspaper.
What the hell's a newspaper?
Bart, there's blood on this card.
Type AB-negative, which is only
one percent of the population.
Amazing. You can make even blood boring.
If Billy O'Donnell had
the same blood type,
it could be him in the coffin.
Coffin, eh? You saying he's a vampire?
[IMITATING DRACULA] Yes, he's a vampire.
We must investigate his blood. Bleh.
You're treating me like a child,
and I love it.
Say "bleh" two more times, and I'm in.
Bleh. Bleh.
- Okay, blood type.
- [FINGERS SNAP]
I know two people with all
the information in town,
- but it'll cost you.
- [NORMAL VOICE] How much?
I'm afraid we're gonna have
to spend some time with them.
Here's the medical techs
at my barium swallow.
Here's me waking up because the
anesthesia wasn't strong enough.
And here's the kink in my esophagus.
And here's us transferring
our slides to video.
Transferring. Transferring.
Now here's us transferring
our video to digital.
Transferring. Transferring.
Transferring.
[MAN] Hey, can we get some service?
Snoop to your heart's content, kids.
But remember, that information
belongs to the people of Springfield.
Show them the respect they deserve.
O'Bannon. O'Brady. O'Connell. O'Connor.
Lot of Irish in this town.
O'Day. O'Dell. O'de-o'doh.
[GASPS] O'Donnell! Billy O'Donnell!
Blood type: AB-negative.
It's a match. I'm taking this to Grampa.
[GASPS] Did you know Lenny
has only one butt cheek?
No wonder he keeps
falling off his stool.
Not my fault.
Chief, it's the old man's granddaughter.
And you didn't want
to set up a stakeout.
No, I wanted to. You didn't.
Well, somebody did. Shut up.
It's the same blood type.
I bet you want to get
right back on that trail.
That trail is 40 years old.
Colder than the hands of the
orderly who puts my gown on.
Hey, orderlies have feelings, too.
[CRYING]
The DMV found Billy's abandoned car
on old Apple Blossom Parkway,
which is now
the location of the
Springfield Nuclear Plant.
Well?
You're messing with
things you should let lie.
And you're lying about
messes you should let thing.
Nobody talks to me like that!
I'm what that way talks how!
I always looked up to you, Grampa.
Well, I'm shrinking every day,
so I'll be down to you mighty soon.
I can't believe you didn't even try.
But but.. Aw, damn it, I did try.
Checked with his ex-wife, his bookie,
his dance instructor.
Sorry, handsome,
you are barking up the wrong tree.
Four, five, six. Backstep,
kick step, shuffle ball change.
[VOCALIZES]
[GRAMPA] There was only one person
who could tell me what happened: Agnes.
But it was like she disappeared
off the face of the Earth.
Burns was guarding her
tighter than a human LoJack.
Finally, I got a tip from her
favorite leg warmer store.
I found her at the marina.
I'm trying to talk business,
and you bring me to the
most romantic spot in town?
You are really making
it hard for me to focus.
You're not very smart. I like that.
I mean, you're really, really stupid.
I find that sexy.
I mean, you are really,
unbelievably, droolingly
Yeah, yeah, okay. All right.
You made your point.
Now, damn it,
what happened to my partner?
Don't get ahead of yourself.
You haven't bought me a drink.
- What'll you have?
- Don't get ahead of yourself.
You haven't kissed me.
[GRAMPA GROANS]
[BOTH MOAN]
Mm.
Now, uh, the next part is kind of racy,
so you listen to some
nondescript '80s rock
while I tell it to myself.
And I ran ♪
I ran so far away ♪
[GRAMPA] She was relentless.
I heard something I'd
never heard before.
"Not bad."
I fell for her like Mario over
a thousand Donkey Kong barrels.
Then she told me what happened
the last night she saw Billy.
They were following Burns
to see what he was up to.
Okay, listen,
you stay in the car until I get back.
[AGNES] I waited and waited.
[SNORING]
[GASPS]
Ma'am, are you okay?
'Cause I've been staring at
ya since 2:00 in the morning.
[AGNES GROANS]
I never saw Billy again.
Abe, what if Burns knows I was there?
I guess I'll have to ask him.
Luckily, I'm wearing my gun.
[GRUNTS]
So what happened when you saw Burns?
- I can't tell you.
- Why can't you tell me?
Because it's something that
would destroy your father.
- [GASPS]
- [DRAMATIC VIOLIN STING]
That's the only chord I know.
[PLAYS DRAMATIC STING]
♪
Two visitors in one day.
There's something rotten
in the state of Denmark.
Is that the state we're in? Denmark?
Huh.
[GRAMPA GRUNTING SOFTLY]
Bart, Grandpa knows a secret
that could destroy Dad.
Oh, my God. We certainly don't want that
falling into the wrong hands. [LAUGHS]
Boy, you're here because
I need you to sneak me out
without the cops seeing.
Fine. I'll figure out a plan,
but there's a price:
a new bike.
No. Two new bikes.
How many bikes does one kid need?
My goal is to be the Jay Leno of bikes.
♪
There they go.
- [ENGINE STARTS]
- [TIRES THUMP]
Ah, damn it.
We got three or four flat tires.
Maybe five. I-I can't tell.
Well, then, we should pursue on foot.
I-I got a doctor's note
that says I-I shouldn't run.
Well, look who came to visit
me after all these years:
Magnum P.U.
Agnes, you look terrific.
Of course I can't see well anymore.
Who is this man, Mother?
I don't remember him
from our scrapbooking.
Seymour, shut the door and
play with your little buddy
while the grown-ups talk.
You want to play Chex box?
You mean Xbox?
No. Chex box.
There are two extremely
challenging mazes on the back.
Would you like to get the
spoon back to the dishwasher
or help the milk find the refrigerator?
Well, I'd like the principal
to find his manhood,
if you don't mind.
I am muy macho, amigo.
Now choose your Hello Kitty
pencil and get tracing.
Agnes, 40 years ago,
I let my partner down.
Now I got to fix that.
Well, can it wait for a sour ball?
Bitter on the outside
and not very satisfying,
just like me.
Mmm. [CHUCKLES]
Now, think.
Is there anything you want to share
about that night we lost Billy?
I have trouble remembering
my meds, my birthday,
even who you are, frankly.
But I'll never forget that night.
The road was covered in this.
Baby, you just broke the case.
Before you go,
how's about we see
what else we can break?
Lamps or hips, they're all replaceable.
[LAUGHS]
- Mmm. Mmm, mmm, mmm.
- Yowza!
- [AGNES] Okay, easy now.
- [GRANDPA] Whoa! I get
- Oh, no, not that elbow.
- Well, that knee doesn't work.
- [GRANDPA] No, no, my bursitis!
- Ah. Ow. Oh.
- [GRANDPA] Aah. Oh.
- Oh.
[GRANDPA] Oh, sweet Wendell Willkie!
♪
What's this? How did you get
through the unguarded grounds
and sliding door?
Burns, I'm here to finish a conversation
we started 40 years ago.
Burns, I think
you might have crossed paths
with my partner the other night.
Oh, yes. Billy.
He, uh, said he was leaving on a trip,
a one-way ticket.
You could say he's gone to paradise.
[SINISTER LAUGH]
That answer's not good enough!
Daddy, I got scared alone in the car!
I thought I gave you a coloring book.
I ate the crayons.
[GUTTURAL GROANING]
Well, you and Little Boy Blue,
Green and Red can exit together.
Release the hounds.
[BARKING]
Bad puppy! No love! No love! Bad puppy!
Burns, I say you know
something about Billy,
and I'll never rest
until I find out what.
Let's make a deal.
You forget about your ex-partner,
and I'll give your son
a job when he grows up.
He don't need your help.
[HOMER] Daddy! Daddy!
[WHIMPERING]
- [LAUGHS]
- I will give that poor,
pathetic knuckle-brain
a job and never fire him,
no matter how often and
how badly he messes up.
[HOMER] Help! Help!
[GRUNTS]
[GRAMPA SIGHS]
And that's why your son wasn't fired
for screwing up 742 times.
Tarnation, is he bad.
Wait just a minute!
All those times I screwed up
and should have been fired but wasn't?
That was thanks to you?
Mm-hmm.
No matter how big of an idiot I am,
I can never lose my job.
I'm like a Supreme Court justice!
[SNIFFLES] Thank you, Dad.
Oh, I just did what any father would.
I gave you the best life I could.
♪
Dad, are we having a moment?
I don't think so.
- Oh.
- Oh.
Okay, maybe.
Well, another heartwarming
moment at the Burns mansion.
Now, off you go.
The poison gas will attack your
spinal cord within two minutes.
- [ALARM BUZZES]
- [GAS HISSING]
Not so fast.
[WHOOSHING]
Burns, for the sake of my son,
I really wanted to believe you
when you said Billy was okay,
but now I know the truth.
Billy found out,
when you built the plant,
instead of using good,
solid rebar, you were using this:
shredded phone books.
Billy found out, so you killed him.
Me? Kill someone?
Oh, sure, blame the ruthless villain.
Start talking, or I'll cut you in two.
You bumped him off.
No! I paid him off. [GASPS]
He used the money to move
to a tropical island,
a paradise, just like I told you.
I'll call him right now.
[LINE RINGING]
[BIRDS CHIRPING]
[TABLET RINGING]
Abe, is that you?
Wow. Look at you. [CHUCKLES]
You aged terribly.
You're alive?!
Well, if you call drinking
rum out of a coconut,
surfing and hanging out
with beautiful women living,
then, yeah, I guess I've been living.
Hey, Billy, want another
"Abe is an Idiot"?
Oh. [LAUGHS]
That's, uh
That has nothing to do with you.
That's just a, uh,
cocktail that I invented.
[SLURPING] Mmm. Mmm, mmm, mmm.
Why didn't you tell me you were alive?!
Because I didn't want
my ex-wife to know,
and you can't keep a secret.
Remember when you told
everyone my shoes have lifts?
I thought it made you interesting.
It made me seem short. Tom Cruise short.
I told Agnes to wait one week
and then tell you everything.
Agnes knew?!
That's right, Abe.
I was lying to you all along,
because you were dumb, so, so dumb.
So dumb.
- All right, all right, I get it.
- [TABLET CHIMES]
I wanted you to think
Burns killed your partner,
so you would kill Burns.
Why would anyone want to kill me?
Because, when I got to know you,
I realized your heart was as
ugly and withered as your ass.
- Ouch.
- Also, I snuck my name into your will
- so I'd get rich when you died.
- [GUN COCKS]
No one's killing no one.
How dare you blow the head
off the bear I killed.
Eh, we'll all die soon enough.
And, Abe, remember this:
You were too good a lover
to be more than just a friend.
What does that mean?
I'm trying to leave you with something.
I'll take it.
Mmm.
Dad, something else came out of this,
something wonderful.
I learned what you did for me,
and I get to tell you thank you
before you're gone.
All for you, Dad.
- I'm done.
- [GROANS] Oh!
Something's been eating at me,
and I got to find out the answer.
If Billy O'Donnell's alive,
then who was the second
body in the coffin?
We tried DNA testing. [LAUGHS]
I don't know why we didn't
do that in the first place.
The second corpse was actually
Springfield's beloved
business card printer
Harold Baumgartner.
He loved his wife so much,
he asked to be buried with her.
Literally.
Which also explains all
the other business cards
we found in the coffin.
This guy made excellent business cards.
40 years later, clear as a bell.
So the blood type was
just a coincidence.
[GASPS] Or maybe it was God's way
of finding closure for
a bunch of lost souls.
But that was some nice
work you did there, kid.
Hey, how would you like
to join the force?
I think she's too young, Chief.
Lou, you can't know that
until you give her a gun.
Am I right, Ralphie?
Do I shoot toward the talking?
I think I'm just gonna run home now.
And I ran ♪
I ran so far away ♪
I just ran ♪
I ran all night and day ♪
And I ran ♪
I ran so far away ♪
I just ran ♪
I couldn't get away. ♪
Shh!