Saturday Night Live (1975) s36e05 Episode Script

and now a message from the Vice president of the united States, joe biden.
good evening, my fellow Americans.
This coming Tuesday's election Is essential to the future of This country.
I'm going to be honest with you.
I think we're going to get our Asses handed to us.
It's going to be a good old Fashioned blood bath.
But joe biden doe give up.
So while the president is out Trying to rally voters, I want To address you directly.
Because when things can't get Any worse, it's biden time.
[ laughter .]
now, americans, I know you're Upset.
And I know you're dissatisfied.
But I want to ask you -- I want to ask you a question.
Is it really that bad? Because when I hear you Complaining about the state of This nation, you know who I Think of? Those brave chilean miners.
Yeah.
Now, those sorry bastards were Trapped underground for 69 days.
And did they complain? No.
No.
You know what they did every Day? They sang their national anthem.
They sang their national anthem! so before you start belly Aching about the direction our Country is going in, I would Like you to answer the joe biden Checklist.
One, are you above ground? [ laughter .]
And that's it.
[ laughter .]
That's all I got.
[ applause .]
If the answer is yes, maybe cool It with the whining, okay? You're mad about the economy? Well for 69 days, those 33 Miners had to do their business In the corner of a mine.
No door, with all their buddies Watching.
Now, you may be saying, well, You know, it was pretty dark.
But hey, they knew.
Yeah, they knew.
[ laughter .]
Yeah.
And still, when they came out of That hole, they were all smiles.
And they gave their president a Big 'ole hug.
Yeah, they didn't come up to Him, jab a finger in his chest Asking why there wasn't tougher Mining regulations, you know? They just high-fived him and Went on their way.
But our guy tries to give you Health care and he's a Socialist.
Now, I'm not gonna lie, it gets Me riled up.
Now, the president, he's not Going to get mad about this, Okay, that's not his style.
The guy is a robot.
True story.
I've never seen him sleep.
[ laughter .]
No.
I always try to stay up late Enough to watch him doze off, But I'm out by 9:30.
That's just me.
Same thing with me on christmas Eve when I was a kid.
Was sure that my dad was santa.
But to this day, can't prove it.
What I can prove is that 33 Chileans were in a hole.
And instead of starting a tea Party, they wrapped themselves Up in their flags like their Country just won the world cup.
Jumping around, having a good Time, enjoying life.
Now, sure, part of that you can Write off because of the whole Latin thing.
[ laughter .]
right.
But why should they be that much Happier than us? They were underground.
I can't even imagine.
True story.
I was once stuck in an elevator With two other guys for only 15 Minutes.
And both of those guys said it Was the worst experience of Their lives.
[ laughter .]
yeah.
Yeah.
So when you go to the polls on Tuesday, or not -- You know, it won't matter, like I said, blood bath.
I want you to remember the joe Biden motto.
Don't be whiners, think about The miners, and live from new York, it's Saturday night! [ cheers and applause .]
[ cheers and applause .]
announcer: It's "Saturday Night live"! With fred armisen -- Cathy elliott -- Bill hader -- Seth meyers -- Bobby moynihan -- Kenan thompson -- Kristen wiig -- Featuring -- Vanessa bayer -- Paul britain -- Karen killian -- Nasim pedrad -- Jay farrell -- Musical guest -- Rihanna -- And your host -- Jon hamm.
[ cheers and applause .]
Ladies and gentlemen, jon hamm! [ cheers and applause .]
[ cheers and applause .]
thank you! Thank you very much.
Thank you! It is so great to be back at "Saturday night live.
" First off, happy Halloween.
[ cheers and applause .]
This is actually the second time I've hosted the Halloween show At "snl", and you may noticed, I've switched up my costume.
The first time I hosted, I went As nervous.
[ laughter .]
This year I'm going as slightly Less nervous.
[ laughter .]
It's a very exciting time for Me.
I just finished my fourth season On "mad men.
" [ cheers and applause .]
One of the many benefits of Being on "mad men" is getting to Know the world of advertising.
It's funny, but playing don has Made me think about ad campaigns A lot.
Sometimes I may be walking down The street and I'll see a Product and a slogan will just Pop into my head.
Here, I'll show you.
Someone name a product.
You.
um -- it can be anything.
purses.
purses.
Uh -- What are purses? They're for ladies to hold Things.
But they're more than that.
Purses are the things you need For the small trips in life.
They're -- Oh, I almost have it.
Every day is a secret vacation With your tiny lady suitcase, Purses! Not bad, right? You would buy a purse, wouldn't You, m'am? I'm not a woman.
yeah, that was fun.
Let's try another one.
What about you, young lady? me? Um -- Diapers? diapers.
Uh -- Pants for babies.
[ laughter .]
No.
No, they're more than that, Because you can't crap in pants.
[ laughter .]
When you have an accident, Diapers are there to catch it.
Like the net under a trapeze Act.
Diapers got your back.
No, diapers got your butt.
[ laughter .]
Picture this.
Adorable baby, backwards Baseball hat and the words come Up "don't worry, little homey, We got your butt, diapers.
" That's pretty good, if I do say So, myself.
[ cheers and applause .]
What do you think, ma'am? me? no, her.
yeah, I'm not a -- how about you! Name something.
refrigerators.
refrigerators.
That's easy.
A box of winter for your food to Live in.
Come on now.
I want to be challenged here.
[ laughter .]
oh, you want to be Challenged? [ laughter .]
you think you can take me? I know I can take you.
[ laughter .]
let's hear it, weird guy.
nine-volt batteries.
[ audience ohs .]
[ laughter .]
nine-volt batteries.
It's hip to be square? No, that's too obvious.
With two nipple-like connectors, There's no way this battery Won't turn you on.
No, that's too dirty.
This is your grandfather's Battery.
That's too familiar.
Come on! You can do this, hammer! Yes, that's what I call myself.
I will get this.
[ laughter .]
Nine volts.
It's so hard, because they're Different from every other Battery.
Wait.
That's it.
Caught in a maze of boring Batteries? You're going to want to dial a Nine to get out.
Nine-volt batteries! [ light laughter .]
whew! yes, that's the correct Slogan.
wham, bam, thank you, hamm! [ cheers and applause .]
and lady, call me later.
oh, I will.
[ laughter .]
I mean, hey, it's jon hamm.
[ laughter .]
we have a great show for you Tonight.
Rihanna is here.
[ cheers and applause .]
so stick around.
We will be right back.
we've done the work.
We know the system.
We have the fire power, and we Have each other.
You ready? [ laughter .]
yeah eh eh eh eh eh eh we at it Again [ cheers .]
everybody now hands in the air It's a stick up, stick up no Funny business you got lit up, Lit up you can't fight you gon' die And at your funeral, your momma Gon' cry so customers hit the floor, Floor and clerks open cash Drawers slow, slow if you don't wanna end up dead You'll do everything shy rodney Says tell 'em, rodney [ inaudible .]
[ laughter .]
no one in the bank can hear You [ laughter .]
shy rodney use your outside Voice [ laughter .]
we don't have time for this ha haw! let's go so stay on the ground it's a Stick up, stick up your wallets And jewels we'll pick up, pick Up unload the cash move your ass We gettin' money tell 'em, shy Ronnie [ inaudible .]
[ laughter .]
please please use your words [ laughter .]
just imagine that everyone's Naked [ laughter .]
uh oh [ laughter .]
boner alert [ laughter .]
you really pictured them Naked ha haw! why did I think you could do This? rodney, hostage on the move [ gunshot .]
he shot himself [ laughter .]
and why is your gun so Small? [ police siren .]
the police are on their way come out with your hands up! good luck, shy rodney bye Bye ha haw! rodney, mother -- And I'm back from the dead so I Shot my own leg don't get the name twisted 'cause I'm crazy as -- I hung a giant-ass noose off my Giant ass -- hey I forgot this money and Also this guy come on we're Gonna have sex [ laughter .]
and you can hang from it 'cause you don't wanna see my Real gun shots through the sky but your Face sounds real fun rock [ cheers and applause .]
you're watching tv land in The common room in a nursing Home.
Up next, "vincent price's 1960 Halloween special.
" ha ha ha.
Once again, it's that time of Year when the tombs come open, And the spirits rise from their Graves, and -- Am I in the shot? Hello! The talking skeleton doesn't Work if I'm in the shot! What's rehearsal even for? Go to the open.
and now, colgate presents "vincent price's Halloween Special.
" Now please welcome your host, Prince of hades, vincent price.
this evening the price Mansion is transformed into a House of spooky horrors, and I've asked some of my famous Friends to bring by some treats For the neighborhood boys and Girls.
[ doorbell ringing .]
And our first guest has just Arrived, hollywood legend, Judy garland.
oh, let me in! what's wrong, judy? there's a tall scary man Outside with a big green hat! [ laughter .]
judy, that's a palm tree.
Okay, so, judy, did you bring Any candy? I brought m&m's! [ laughter .]
judy, that's very clearly a Bottle of pills that you've Drawn m's on.
I drew m's on them so I knew What they were for.
This one is for me.
[ laughter .]
This one is for me, too.
[ laughter .]
This one is for me and this one Is for me.
pace yourself, judy.
It's 7:30.
[ doorbell ringing .]
another guest.
Who could it be? Well, it's none other than Democratic presidential nominee John f.
Kennedy.
[ laughter .]
good to be here, vincent.
and who's your friend? well, you told me to bring Candy, so I would like to Introduce candy dicenzo of the Reno dicenzo's.
[ giggles .]
you're so funny, johnny! good god, you're running for President! don't worry, she's just my Campaign manager.
And also a prostitute.
[ laughter .]
Hey there, judy, do you have any M&m's for me, the back pill Kind.
I do, but I don't have any Water.
that's okay.
I can dry swallow.
don't say swallow! [ laughter .]
liberace, you weren't invited This year.
oh, I couldn't miss a party Vincent.
well, as long as you're on Good behavior.
did you bring us any candy? well, aren't these lovely? These are rum and kahlua Meringues.
They have a hard outer shell, But if you work at it, you get a Mouth full of cream.
[ laughter .]
liberace -- Future president is here.
Senator, I apologize for my Friend's behavior.
mmm -- yeah.
[ laughter .]
ah, this is a tough one.
But I'm going to go with judy.
I'm a winner! take tracks, candy.
geezy-creezy, senator.
Voters are watching.
Well, now it's time for arts and Crafts where we learn how to Make spooky crafts.
Let's go to our pumpkin.
Step one.
Carve a hole.
step two, wait behind it.
[ laughter .]
liberace! step two, carve a spooky face With a big, wide mouth.
the fewer the teeth, the Better.
liberace! [ laughter .]
Please, stop! Then, for a little fun, put a Candle in the pumpkin.
you know, for a lot of fun, I Like to put my candle between Two pumpkins.
liber -- senator! I'm getting it from both sides.
[ in unison .]
been there, done that.
[ laughter .]
oh -- Now, where were we? vincent, judy just had the Best idea for my administration.
Tell them, judy.
I think we should put a man On the moon.
isn't that wonderful? man on the moon, what would They do? tell them, judy.
isn't it obvious? Play golf! how great is that? it's not great, it's Impossible.
we do things not because they Are easy.
But because they are hard.
I do them because they are Hard and easy.
all rihght! All right! New rule -- Be careful what you say around Liberace.
He can twist anything.
I can bend anything, too.
ah, hey! Ah.
Ooh.
[ laughter .]
Moving on.
It's time for our spooky science Experiment.
Judy, can you be my volunteer? love to! put on the blindfold.
Now, put your hands in the first Bowl.
oh.
Oh! these are zombie brains! oh, I don't like this! Oh, I don't like this at all! we're having spooky fun here, Spooky fun.
All friends.
Now, these are zombie eyeballs! oh, that is the worst thing Ever! Crazy, I tell you, crazy! Mickey rooney! mickey rooney? She is flipping out.
Look, the brains were just Spaghetti, and the eyeballs were Just grapes.
that's right.
And this zombie finger here is Just a sausage.
[ laughter .]
sausage? There isn't a sausage! [ laughter .]
Liberace! [ laughter .]
you've got my vote.
that's it.
Happy Halloween, everyone.
That's it! [ laughter .]
why's your hand still in There senator? [ cheers and applause .]
45 years ago.
Robert zemeckis took us on a Journey back in time.
And now, you can take that Journey again with the 25th Anniversary dvd of "back to the Future," including never before Seen screen tests.
[ bleep .]
al pacino as doc brown.
doc brown.
Al, you are doc brown.
Marty! My calculations are correct.
When this baby hits 88 miles per Hour, you're gonna see some Serious [ bleep .]
! okay, cut! [ bleep .]
eddie murphy, screen test.
doc you gotta listen to me! The bruise on your head! I know what happened! You told me the whole story.
You was standing on your toilet, You were hanging a clock, you Fell and you hit your head on The sink! And that's where you came up With the idea of the flux Capacitor! Hey man, what the hell is this Movie about? it's about time travel, Eddie.
time travel? [ laughs .]
oh my god, that is hilarious! That's crazy, man.
That's funny.
That means you can go in the Future and do some stuff your Ass ain't even done yet.
Like hey, I ain't slept yet, but I will.
Yes! [ laughs .]
That is funny.
jennifer tilly, take one.
why do you keep calling me Calvin? well, that's your name isn't It? Calvin klein? It's written all over your Underwear.
okay, maybe play a little More natural.
sure.
Calvin klein.
It's written all over your Underwear.
Cut.
That was great.
sam kinison, take one.
wait doc.
Are you telling me that you Built a time machine out of a Delorean? You idiot! Oh! Oh! hey wait, sam! oh! sam! oh! robin williams, take one.
marty, it's getting heavy in Here.
Ooh, yes.
Ooh.
1.
21 jiggawatts! Yo, marty! We gotta get the hell out of Here! No marty! We gotta harness the lightning! Woo! Praise jesus! Ooh! The space-time continuum, si! cut! did I get it? Oh, mister happy thinks so! al pacino.
All right.
1.
21 jiggawatts? Great, scott! no.
It's like an expression.
Like -- Great scott! right, right, right.
Okay.
1.
21 jiggawats? You're doing a great job, scott! Hey everyone, three cheers for Scott! okay, you can go.
all right.
the 25th anniversary "back to The future dvd.
" Own it today.
next for the part of nicole We have lizette barns.
hello.
well, hello.
I don't think we've had you in Here before.
I'm with classy faces talent Agency.
You've heard of them? no, can't say that I have.
oh, well, here's my head Picture.
It is of me dressed as a sailor, Looking into a crystal ball, Pretending to be surprised.
[ laughter .]
that's exactly what it is.
Okay, that's great.
listen, before we start, I've Read the play.
It is very racy.
So there are no surprises later, I am just gonna tell you what I Am comfortable doing and not Doing, and you will just have to Deal with it.
okay.
all right.
Well, I am willing to show my Legs.
My arms.
My face.
My stomach.
My full back.
My toes.
Top part of my head.
My naked breasts.
My butt crack.
My belly button.
My full vagina.
[ laughter .]
Let's see.
I will show my nipples.
My spread-apart butt.
My pushed-together boobs.
okay -- You're not gonna have to -- these are things that I will Do.
I will sing, I will swear.
I will show my bush.
[ laughter .]
I will tap, I will jiggle.
I will cry.
I will push my boobs together.
I will lift up my skirt, turn Away from the audience, bend Over and pass gas with sound.
[ laughter .]
lizette, I think you might Have read a different script.
these are the following Things that are out of the Question.
I refuse to wear a costume.
Um -- that's it.
[ light laughter .]
well, that could be a Problem.
and these are some things I Might be talked into doing.
I might punch myself in the Face.
I might touch a ding dong, never Say never.
I might tinkle in a fake sink.
I might eat a very small bowl of White bird waste if it is Relevant to the story.
Otherwise, I mean, come on.
lizette, can I give you a Little feedback? oh, yeah, uh-huh.
you're not getting this part.
no! Give it to me! I'm sorry to interrupt.
But I'm her husband.
I just have to know, how is this Going? I just told me I didn't get The part.
It's done.
well, you are making a huge Mistake, sir.
sandy, please.
no, I want to do this.
This woman isn't just my wife.
She is an actress.
She is a masteress of her craft.
Are you insane in the membrane? [ laughter .]
Insane in the brain? you guys gotta go.
first, let me ask you, sir, Have you seen this woman's Stanley steemer commercial? sandy, don't.
no.
Well, let me remind you.
Two women are having a Conversation on a couch.
A child runs in and asks mommy To look at the family dog's new Trick.
Well, unfortunately, his trick Is dragging his dirty rear along The carpet.
And she has to get so mad! Do it, honey.
tommy! [ laughter .]
wow.
That's you.
yes.
It's her.
And I am sorry if she has Standards, unlike every other Loose actress that comes in Here.
no, no, no, you're right.
I'm sorry.
so, now that you know who she Really is, does she have the Part? no.
[ light laughter .]
what if she were to put a Jelly bean on the chair, sit Down and then when sits back up, The jelly bean is gone? [ laughter .]
get out.
what if it's a plum? good bye! good day, sir.
I mean jerk.
I hope you're happy.
Who's next? uh, sandell barns.
great.
[ laughter .]
hello.
I am sandell barns.
I am with the top hat warehouse Agency.
I will show the backs of my Legs.
My pushed together butt.
The front of my weiner.
I will wear diapers.
I will not work with children, Although I will dance with them.
I may juggle.
I will show my wife's vagina.
[ laughter .]
[ cheers and applause .]
the 25th anniversary "back to The future" dvd.
nicolas cage, take one! 1.
21 jiggawatts? How am I going to generate that Kind of power? what in the hell is a Jiggawatt? Tell me! Tell me you bastard! cut! Yeah, nick.
I'm really sorry but you're Coming off a little crazy.
yeah.
You think I'm crazy now? Check back with me in 25 years! [ laughs .]
this is so nice you guys Letting me come down here.
You got your lights here.
Your flag there.
alan alda as biff.
he's great.
Wait a second, let me get this Straight.
This marty mcfly covered my Convertible in horse manure, so Now I have to beat him up and Beat his dad up? Uh -- How does that -- actually, they're the same Age.
the same? The dad and the son are the same Age.
Wow.
Well this is a -- A real wild movie you guys are Making here.
Uh -- Godspeed.
I want in.
Who do I [ bleep .]
? prince, take one.
Prince, you want to come up Here? [ bleep .]
bill cosby, take one.
listen doc, about the Future -- no! Marty, we've already agreed that Having information about the Future can have disastrous Consequences about the past.
And the flux capacitor -- And the fluxitator -- With the flixing and the Fluxing -- And you end up with sunburn on Your face.
Uh -- gilbert gottfried as biff.
what? Are you looking at? Butthead? joan cusack, take one.
hey you! Get your meat hooks off me you, You biff, you.
no.
hey, what are you looking at Butthead? Hey, why don't you make like a Tree and get out of here.
You know, that is a great line.
That is so great.
The stuff you guys are doing With the 50's and everything -- I had jackets like this.
Can you believe that? I'm the old guy.
pee wee herman as marty Mcfly.
this Saturday, we're sending You back to the future.
future! That's the magic word! [ laughs .]
okay.
Don't forget, you're supposed to Be a normal, modern day Teenager.
I know you are, but what am I? that is what you are.
I know you are, but what am I? okay just -- Forget it.
[ laughs .]
the 25th anniversary "back to The future" dvd.
Own it today.
ladies and gentlemen, Rihanna.
[ cheers and applause .]
ooh na na What's my name ooh na na What's my name ooh na na What's my name ooh na na What's my name ooh na na What's my name What's my name not everybody Knows how to work my body Knows how to Make me want it boy you stay up on it You got that something That keeps me So off balance baby you're a challenge Lets explore your talent hey boy I really wanna see If you can go downtown With a girl like me hey boy I really wanna be with You 'cause you just my type Ooh na na na na I need a boy to Take it over Looking for a guy To put in work, uh o-o-o-o-oh O-o-o-o-oh hey boy I really wanna see If you can go downtown With a girl like me hey boy I really wanna be with You 'cause you just my type Ooh na na na na I need a boy to take it over Looking for a guy To put in work, uh o-o-o-o-oh O-o-o-o-oh ooh na na What's my name ooh na na What's my name ooh na na What's my name What's my name baby you got me Ain't nowhere that I'd be Than with your Arms around me back and forth You rock me so I surrender To every word you whisper Every door you enter I will let you in hey boy I really wanna see If you can go downtown With a girl like me hey boy I really wanna be with You 'cause you just my type Ooh na na na na I need a boy to Take it over Looking for a guy To put in work, uh o-o-o-o-oh O-o-o-o-oh you're so amazing You took the time To figure me out that's why you take me Way past the point of Turning me on you 'bout to break me I swear you got Me losing my mind ooh na na What's my name ooh na na what's my name ooh na na What's my name ooh na na What's my name ooh na na What's my name What's my name hey boy I really wanna see If you can go downtown With a girl like me hey boy I really wanna be with You 'cause you just my type Ooh na na na na I need a boy to Take it over Looking for a guy To put in work, uh o-o-o-o-oh O-o-o-o-oh hey boy I really wanna see If you can go downtown With a girl like me hey boy I really wanna be with You 'cause you just my type Ooh na na na na I need a boy to Take it over Looking for a guy To put in work, uh o-o-o-o-oh O-o-o-o-oh o-o-o-o-oh O-o-o-o-oh o-o-o-o-oh o-o-o-o-oh [ cheers and applause .]
weekend update with seth Meyers.
[ cheers and applause .]
I'm seth meyers, and here are Tonight's top stories.
in an interview on "entertainment tonight" this Week, sarah palin told mary hart That she may run for president In 2012 if there was no one to Do it.
That's not how you run for President, that's how you offer To babysit.
While campaigning in florida This past weekend, palin also Plugged her upcoming reality Show "sarah palin's alaska.
" If you haven't seen it, the Entire show takes place in sarah Palin's rear-view mirror.
[ laughter .]
On Friday, two packages Containing explosive devices Were found on cargo planes from Yemen, bound for chicago area Synagogues.
Although I can't imagine anyone In the synagogue answering the Door and saying, "oh, a strange Package from yemen.
Where do I sign?" [ laughter .]
the official portrait of Former new york city mayor Rudy giuliani was unveiled Publicly in the city Tuesday, And I'm proud of new yorkers Because by Wednesday, it only Had one penis drawn on it.
[ laughter .]
Well, jon cryer, I think you can Go ahead and book that vacation.
Actor charlie sheen was removed From new york's plaza hotel Monday when he went on a naked Drunken rampage and caused $7,000 worth of damage to his Hotel suite.
$7,000? He must have taken the cashews Out of the mini bar.
the tsa announced it will Change the method for manually Searching passengers and Searches will now include an Agent running his or her hand up The inside of a passenger's leg While this music plays.
[ laughter .]
the midterm elections are Just a few days away, and most Of the polls are predicting Gains for republicans in both The house and senate.
Here to comment, political Strategist mr.
James carville.
[ cheers and applause .]
hello there! now, james -- Yeah, all right.
So the big story this election Is, of course, the tea party.
Now, do you think they're ready To be taken seriously as a Political force? seth, I love the tea party.
Those guys make me look Attractive and that ain't easy.
I mean, look at me, seth.
seth, I love the tea party.
Those guys make me look Attractive and that ain't easy.
I mean, look at me, seth.
I look like a mean peanut! [ laughter .]
back to the election, james.
It seems like a lot of fringe Candidates have more support Than ever.
well, see, I thought crazy Can be appealing.
I made a career out of it.
But that doesn't mean I should Be elected to office.
I mean, when I worked for Clinton, I used to have dreams That I was president, and they Were nuts.
And in one dream, my vice President was a smart alec Possum, and every night he and I Would get high.
[ laughter .]
it was a funny dream, but it Wouldn't be good for the Country.
No, no, no, no.
no, no.
Okay.
[ laughter .]
so, james, now, even if the Democrats do hold on to the Senate, everyone seems to agree, They will probably lose their Majority in the house.
well, let them have the House.
Good riddance.
Have you ever seen the house of Representatives? [ laughter .]
it's like the waiting room For jury duty.
[ laughter .]
when you see the house on C-span, it looks like a family Reunion that's only weird Uncles.
[ laughter .]
so you're not threatened to See tea party members take Office.
no, let 'em.
I mean, the tea party are like Fun, kooky parents that your Friends had when they were kids.
Let them stay up all night and Watch cinemax.
And one night you sleep over There, and they don't have any Food.
[ laughter .]
it's just expired peanut Butter.
They fight and listen to weird Records, and their dog is like 50 years old and he's just Staring at you.
And you're like, man, this is Creepy.
I kind of want to go home, you Know? [ laughter .]
all I'm saying is, if you Elect these tea party Kook-a-looks, you're going to be Calling harry reid in two months And saying, dad, can you come Pick me up? james carville, everybody! [ cheers and applause .]
The peanut.
peanut.
minnesota vikings coach Brad childress says he is Leaning toward benching brett Favre this Sunday which would End his streak of 291 consecutive starts, which is Really bad news, now that we Know how poorly favre handles Free time.
[ laughter .]
a 10-year-old boy in china Survived after falling 20 Stories from an apartment window And landing on a parked car.
And since it was china, the air Helped break his fall.
[ laughter .]
a new app is now available For Halloween called trick or Tracker that allows parents to Receive regular updates on their Children's location via gps.
Said kids, "wait, you're not Coming with us? I'm only 4!" [ laughter .]
several of the rescued Chilean miners played a soccer Match Monday against some of Their rescuers, which is nice, But, you know, stuff is not Going to mine itself.
[ laughter .]
after not finding a suitable Man and facing increasing Pressure to get married, a 30-year-old woman in china has Married herself.
"it's not going to last", Whispered the best man, who was Also her.
[ laughter .]
You know who is not taking this News very well? Her ex-husband.
[ laughter .]
scientists are developing a New birth control gel, which has No side effects and is taken by Rubbing it on the skin.
And it's 100% effective, because No one is going to sleep with a Weird lady covered in gel.
[ laughter .]
I think everyone can agree The only thing that's more Exciting than Halloween is Halloween music.
Here tonight to talk about their Much anticipated holiday album Are the two best-looking people I've ever seen in person, singer Song writers garth and cath.
sorry we're late, we Literally just got off a hay Ride.
like, two seconds ago.
don't worry about it.
So -- Garth and cath -- You guys are going to sing a few Songs off this album.
Are you ready to go? Do you need a minute? we're ready.
we're ready and prepared.
We're gonna do it.
I cannot wait.
I'm very excited.
Let's hear one.
all right.
Okay.
Our first song is uh -- "Halloween party.
" that's exactly right.
"Halloween party.
" ready? Go.
dracula -- Corns for breakfast -- He's from california -- california Oh, man, oh owe dracula's surfing -- Where did he go? dracula's surfing -- Where did he go? [ laughter .]
okay, you know what? I'm -- [ laughter .]
I am going to -- [ cheers and applause .]
yeah.
the reason I stopped you, I Just wanted to ask, are you sure You guys practiced these songs? yes.
We wrote them.
We know how they go.
I believe you.
Do you want to try another one? yes.
Great.
We're going to sing a song we Perform in schools.
okay, good.
it's for children seth, this Holiday is actually for children Seth.
it's not all about grown-ups, Okay? The song is about Halloween Safety.
all right.
What is it called? "kids, don't smoke fake Cigarettes -- Because, you know, every time People see you and they think You're an adult, they know it's The most unhealthy thing ever.
In this town or any town.
" [ laughter .]
[ cheers and applause .]
I actually missed a little Bit of the title of that song.
Could you say it for me one more Time? oh! we said, guys, don't smoke Cigarettes if they're fake -- Because the moment a sheriff Sees you he's gonna pull you in And say, you can't go trick or Treating.
Ever! For a week! [ laughter .]
you can't -- [ applause .]
You can't go trick or treating Ever for a week.
yep.
well, sounds like a great Song.
I would love to hear it.
okay, great.
it's an owl alert -- It's owl alert you got to get under that Piano duck under the piano cause Grandma's playing again everyone, I know ah okay, you know, what I'm just Going to -- nope.
[ laughter .]
it was very good.
I just -- I love you guys.
okay, thank you.
you're the two most Attractive people I've ever met In person.
But it's obvious to me that You -- that you didn't prepare Anything.
oh, we did, mister! That album is very important to Us.
okay, we even had a famous Artist do the cover artwork, Okay? oh, really, what's his name? glen seeds! [ laughter .]
okay, you know what, I just Don't think this is going to Work out.
mr.
Miners, come on, please? mr.
Minors? it's mr.
Meyers and you know That.
that's what we said.
I don't think you did.
I think you guys should go.
no! We came all the way from camp David! [ laughter .]
I thought you guys got here By hay ride.
we did.
It took forever, the longest Time.
so bumpy.
We lost like half the hay.
I'm going to let you sing Like one more song.
okay.
50 more! [ laughter .]
one more.
oh come on, man! don't take that tone with me.
all right, fine.
This one is called the "wackiest Witch.
" and we even have music.
the spooky house on Halloween Hill knock on the door what will You see this is great.
there was a chocolate factory That closed down we knocked and ran And asked them please let us in to sample the chocolate gobble gobble gobble gobble we love chocolate Chocolate milk we all love chocolate chocolate going off again to see the King sour moo! everybody, happy Halloween.
For weekend update I'm Seth meyers.
[ phones ping, buzz .]
[ laughs .]
now it's time for, "I didn't Ask for this.
" hello.
I am roger sims, and welcome to "I didn't ask for this.
" A show to support people whose Lives have been ruined because Of embarrassing videos of them On the internet.
I'd like to take a second to Introduce my producer, pierre.
I could not do this show without Him.
my pleasure, roger.
As most of you are aware by now, I gained some unwanted notoriety Due to the popularity of an Extremely embarrassing video That was posted on the internet For the world to see.
Let's roll the clip.
this maze is so hard.
And it gets so narrow.
[ screams .]
[ laughter .]
[ crying .]
Why?! Why would you do that?! That's not funny at all! Why did you do that to me?! Why did you -- see? That's not funny! Not even in the slightest.
Let's go to the serious cam.
[ screams .]
I'm serious.
Why? Why do people think it's okay to Laugh at this? I don't see the humor.
My name is roger sims.
Not "fat guy gets owned.
" [ laughter .]
I didn't ask for this.
Our first guest is a real human Being with feelings.
Please welcome to the show, Maureen o'hare.
Thank you for joining us, Maureen.
Please, tell us your story.
this is hard, but okay, on a Recent trip to colonial Williamsburg, I -- I can't.
[ laughter .]
wow.
See? Let's roll the clip.
honey, honey, get me with the Lady here -- With the wind.
Sorry.
Oh, there's a bee, watch out.
oh! watch out.
Oh! [ laughter .]
That looked so painful! it got even more painful when Someone remixed it into a rap Song.
to the serious cam! honey, honey, get me with The -- With the lady here, with the Wind.
wind, wind, wind seriously, why? Why is this funny? I am severely allergic to bees So that fear was very real.
Also, getting hit in the head by A blacksmith hammer hurts great Deal.
I could have died.
[ laughter .]
My name is maureen o'hare, not "bee sting fail.
" [ laughter .]
I didn't ask for this.
you are a brave woman.
And there is nothing funny about That, isn't that right, pierre? [ light laughter .]
nothing funny at all.
If you own a computer that's Connected to the internet, you Probably know my next guest.
Please welcome mark sharon.
mark.
Please, tell us your story.
yeah, uh -- I was an absent father.
Not something I'm proud of.
I was emotionally vacant.
My father told me boys don't cry And I believed him.
Recently I agreed to appear on a Reality show where I was Reconnected with my son.
Just roll the clip.
because I know deep down in My heart, I still love you.
[ light laughter .]
nooo! [ laughter .]
wow, that is terrible.
yeah, but it got worse.
It got auto-tuned.
to the serious cam.
[ auto-tuned .]
nooo! I'm serious.
Why? Auto-tune? [ laughter .]
it was truly the most Profound moment of my life.
It was the first time my son Told me he loved me.
[ auto-tuned .]
nooo! now it's a ringtone! A funny thing to play at office Parties.
This video has 20 million views.
That's over 20 million people Who have laughed at my pain.
[ auto-tuned .]
nooo! [ laughter .]
My name is mark sharon, not "best cry ever.
" I did not ask for this.
[ laughter .]
Wait a minute.
Are you laughing? no, no, no, of course not.
is this funny to you? kind of a weird cry, man.
[ laughter .]
[ crying .]
[ laughter .]
well, that's our show.
We will see you next time on "I Didn't ask for this.
" the following program is Brought to you in living color On nbc.
we now return to "highway Cops.
" all right, I pull up next to Her on my bike and I told her to Pull over.
well, did she? no, she just kept going.
So, wow, she just didn't pull Over.
no.
cutter you always tell the Best stories.
[ phone ringing .]
Hello, uh-huh, what do we got? Where? That serious? Okay, we're on it.
Randy, there is a bank robbery In progress on elm and 14th Street.
all right, let's go.
damn it, my bike is on the Shop.
you can ride with me.
hey, get out of here, you Guys! You're wasting precious time! I need you there five minutes Ago! Go! Crystal, baby, I miss you so Much.
Why did you have to die when Your heart stopped? Damn, damn, damn.
hey, do you remember the Address? what? oh yeah, it was -- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Almost fell off there.
hey, why don't you hold on to My waist.
Is that better? oh, yeah.
Much better.
yeah.
hey, look, the leaves are Changing.
where? this is fun as hell.
what? I didn't hear you! I said I'm having a great Time.
yeah, me too, buddy.
You know, we got the best job in The world.
mcdoogan, thanks for coming Through for me.
you got it, chief.
thanks for thanking us, Chief.
hey, be careful out there.
Hey, where have you been? The bank said you never showed Up.
oh, man, the bank.
that's what it was.
Remember, I told you we were Forgetting something? yep.
you two are making the gray Spot in my fro get bigger.
You gotta focus.
By the way, randy, your bike is Out of the shop.
[ phone ringing .]
Hello, uh huh, where, we're on The way.
There was a drug bust on park And woodlawn.
There's a standoff.
They need back up.
you got it, chief.
We're on it.
crystal, baby, I want to get Back in the dating pool.
I met someone.
She's not you.
She ranks lower than you in most Areas.
But higher in two very crucial Areas.
Her butt.
And she's alive.
[ laughter .]
hey, what's that smell? what smell? that smell in the air.
oh, it's crisp, right? yeah.
And leaves.
hey, look! What is that? It's an old barn.
I love this! Hey, let's see what this bad boy Can do! whew! you're wild! oh.
I feel like yelling out loud.
then do it, man.
oh, I couldn't.
do it! yahoo! Whew! yeah.
So dinner on Thursday? Okay, great.
Well, I don't want to say that Yet.
Well, whether I feel it or not, Crystal is still in the picture.
I just the want to move a little More slowly.
Okay, you know, I got to call You back.
Where were you? picked some apples from an Orchard for you.
chief, have you been outside Today? you guys didn't back up the Drug bust team? What happened? chief, I'm going to be dead Honest with you.
I'm drawing a complete blank as To what you're talking about Right here.
[ phone ringing .]
the diameter of the gray spot In my fro just doubled.
hmmm.
[ phone ringing .]
yes, hello, uh-huh, okay Thank you.
Well, I guess this is your lucky Day.
Part of the gang was just Spotted at a gas station three Miles from here on highway 10.
You think you can redeem Yourselves? yeah, you got it, chief! boy, randy, you know your Bike is fixed, right? yeah, yeah, yeah.
because they called and said It's been fixed for a while.
thanks, chief.
come on, let's roll! I'm sorry, crystal.
I've got to do this for me.
Crystal, meet veronica.
I will take good care of your Man.
well, I'm not alive anymore, So please do that.
hey, you see that river? This is crazy.
I have to bring my wife out Here.
me too! Me too.
hey, you know what I want to Do right now? I think so.
[ laughter .]
[ cheers and applause .]
oh, that felt good as hell! I love this.
Oh, I can't wait to tell my wife About our kiss.
hey, what's that? why, it looks like an old Mill.
let's check it out.
[ laughter .]
[ cheers and applause .]
ladies and gentlemen, our Favorites, darlique and barney.
[ applause .]
Oh, boy.
who are you? who are you? goodness gracious.
all these people.
You're going to sit on that Stool right there.
of course I'm gonna sit here, Where else am I gonna sit? I don't know, I'm just trying To help you.
you're controlling me, is What your doing.
You're controlling.
the only control I have are My control top pantyhose.
Ladies and gentlemen, that was a Joke, and this is a fake fight.
we like to start all of our Shows with a fake fight.
yes, I find it grabs people's Attention.
and it has a performance to It.
okay, you don't know what You're talking about.
well, I don't know.
now, that fight was real.
or was it? once again, ladies and Gentlemen, we just had a fake Argument.
or was it.
okay, that's done.
My name is darlique lejeune.
and I'm mr.
Barney fott, That's f-o-t-t.
Look at you with your martini And your tiny straw.
what, look at your girly Drink with the umbrella, what Are you afraid your drink is Going to get rained on? [ laughter .]
That was a joke.
or was it? [ laughter .]
all right.
Welcome to the rose quartz Crystal room.
Let's hit it.
kit kat bar [ laughter .]
that song is a hint for my Husband to buy me a "kit kat Bar.
" [ laughter .]
there are so many hilarious Things that are going to happen Tonight.
Just wait.
and singing.
Two, three, go.
I saw a bunny eating ice Cream his mouth got cold and he Hopped away hippity hoppity drippity droppity bippity boppity his mouth got cold and he Hopped away that happened.
or did it? [ laughter .]
all right.
Let me get serious for a second.
Two men walked into a bar.
oh-oh, this is what I meant.
they walk up to the bartender And say, "two beers, please.
" And the the bartender says "two Apiece or two total?" And the guy says, "fine, we're Leaving then.
" That's not a joke.
That's what happened on the way Over here, right over there.
don't embarrass me.
why do you try to do new Material? Just tell your chicken joke.
I don't know what you're Talking about but I'm getting Really angry.
the chicken at the aa Meeting.
okay, the chicken joke thing Is bothering me.
I don't know what's going on With you.
I'm upset is what.
I wanna kick you with my feet Right now.
You know the joke! you're crazy! move on! yes, we should.
Thank you tobias.
and where's my onion rings? you know we're not in charge Of that.
or, are we? [ laughter .]
the tiny straw is making me Hate you.
[ laughter .]
or does it? [ laughter .]
okay.
Can we sing rainbows and smiles Please? just the chorus! what? fake argument.
or was it? it wasn't, was it? five, six, seven, o.
a rainbow is a multicolored Smile from the sky that's upside Down unless you look through your Legs upside down at it rainbows and smiles yeah! no! [ laughter .]
what are you doing? I said no at the end.
who says no at the end of a Song? I hate that song and you know It.
You asked me to play it because You're angry with me about the Chicken joke.
you've got issues in the Tissues, my friend.
what does that mean? You always say that.
fake argument.
We are really pulling legs left And right.
[ laughter .]
or are we? I'm really angry, though.
okay.
I'm going to poison you so badly Right now.
you're going to be charged With my murder if I die, because Everyone here heard you.
okay well I hope everyone Here is having a good time, Because we aren't.
or aren't we? [ laughter .]
fake fights bring people in So they pay attention to us.
or do they? okay, here we go.
Here we go.
Hey, crowd, do you have the Time? [ light laughter .]
this actually isn't a joke.
We have to take a roast out of The freezer by 8:30.
So if anyone -- it's 8:20.
what? what are we going to have for Dinner? Oh, boy.
well, thanks for having us.
I personally have had a terrible Time.
or has she? okay.
Oh, I know what joke you're Talking about now.
It's not a chicken, it's a Rooster.
why don't we eat roosters, Anyway? that's a very good question.
we wrote this joke together.
A rooster gets home from work And he opens his briefcase to Find there's is nothing in it.
Not yet.
So he sits on his little straw Couch in his little coop and he Says to himself " I don't Believe I did this.
I cockadoole-don't believe I did This.
" favorite joke of all time.
or was it? one, two, twoidly two.
that's our time there we go, what are you Doing? Oh, you got the hint.
or did I? oh, he didn't.
Fake wrapper.
It's just a wrapper.
Oh, fake drinks.
Look at these, not even real.
[ cheers and applause .]
once again, rihanna.
la, la, la la la, la, la la la, la, la la la, la, la la I want you to love me Like I'm a hot ride keep thinking of me doing what You like so boy forget about the world 'cuz it's going to be Me and you tonight I wanna make your bed for ya Then I'm make you swallow your Pride want you to make me feel like I'm the only girl in the world like I'm the only one that You'll ever love Like I'm the only one who knows Your heart only girl in the world like I'm the only one that's In command 'cuz I'm the only one who Understands how to Make you feel like a man want you to take me Like a thief in the night hold me like a pillow Make me feel right baby I'll tell you all my Secrets that I'm keeping You can come inside and when you enter you ain't Leaving be my prisoner for the Night whoa want you to make me feel like I'm the only girl in the world like I'm the only one that You'll ever love like I'm the only one who Knows your heart only girl in the world like I'm the only one that's In command 'cause I'm the only one who Understands how to make you feel like a Man (only one) take me for a ride oh baby take me high let me make you right right make it last all night take me for a ride whoa baby take me high let me let you ride make it last all night want you to make me feel like I'm the only girl in the world like I'm the only one that You'll ever love like I'm the only one only girl in the world like I'm the only one that's In command cause I'm the only one who Understands how to make you feel Like a man only girl in the world girl in the world only girl in the world girl in the world [ cheers and applause .]
that's right, everybody, It's me again.
Dog in purse.
Oh, here we are at a nightclub Again, shocker of the century.
Oh, look over there, Willow smith with a bottle of Patron.
That's great.
Happy 9th birthday.
Look at my moron owner, drinking A glass of loudmouth soup, Yukking it up, meanwhile, I'm Stuck in her purse trying to get Comfortable on a dirty Hairbrush, some yaz pills, and Charlie sheen's wallet.
This lady owns me, she doesn't Even know I'm a male dog.
I'm clearly a dude, yet she has Me wearing a feather boa and a Tiara on my head like a zsa zsa Gabor.
Hey, lady, you know you can tell You're a little off track? Flip me over.
Check out the undercarriage, all All right? There's a light switch honey, it Goes on and off, like the one That should go on and off in Your head and say, hey, this dog Is a dude and has been for the Last three years.
Oh, okay, here we go.
There's jessica alba, wearing a Mini dress, no less.
Nice.
She's so hot, she better spray Her shins down with pam, stat.
Because I'm about to do the Humpty-hump.
Maybe with this tiara I'm Wearing and feather boa she'll Get drunk and think I'm Lenny kravitz and go for it.
All right gang, let's wrap it Up.
Hey, we're headed to Brody jenners house.
I heard he got a new solo flex.
[ applause .]
thanks to rihanna, [ cheers And applause .]
And you all, the best crew in Television! Thank you so much.
Thanks for coming! Happy Halloween! [ cheers and applause .]