The Simpsons s36e07 Episode Script

1
♪
[CARNIVAL MUSIC PLAYING]
Am I the only one who thinks
it's weird that a strange circus
just appeared out of nowhere?
Oh, come on, Lisa. You love circuseses.
I hate them.
I've literally gotten three shut down
just in the past year.
Yes, but this one's
only exploiting people.
I want to see the dog-faced man.
And the man-faced dog.
- Who walks who?
- [HOMER AND BART LAUGH]
Mom, surely you're not
Step right up and see
Pint-Sized Hercules,
the world's strongest boy.
[GASPS] He's got tiny little abs.
[SIGHS]
[RINGMASTER] I'm sorry,
but you're fired.
Times have changed.
You're just not the draw you used to be.
You're got fewer tattoos
than the average chef.
Uh, yes, but mine are
Mystical portals to
an alternate reality.
Look, if kids want mystical portals,
they'll look at their phones.
Hand over your freak
badge and your tattoo gun.
[GASPS]
Excuse me.
How much to see the Illustrated Man?
Forget it, kid. I'm retired.
Okay, best of luck to you.
[LAUGHS] Oh, you don't give up, do you?
All right, have a seat.
If you stare at one of
my tattoos long enough,
it tells a story
strange and unusual.
How long does it take?
It's a miracle! Give it two seconds.
Strange and unusual.
[WIND BLOWING]
[GASPS]
- [WOMAN SCREAMS]
- What the?
[WOMAN SCREAMS]
Hello? Lady?
Is someone down there?
[WOMAN SCREAMS]
Aw, gee whiz, she's buried alive.
Hang in there, lady. I'll get help.
Mom, Dad,
there's a screaming woman in the woods,
and she's buried alive.
We got to dig her out.
Calm down, noisy pants.
You know your father only
has a two-hour lunch break.
But she's screaming for help.
Speaking of screaming women,
I heard that Luann Van Houten
got into a row with Miss Hoover
for telling everyone
that Luann dyes her hair.
She's got enough trouble
married to a dead-end
dipstick like Kirk.
Stop gossiping, sir and ma'am.
The lady's gonna run out of air.
I used to work with that
loser at Double Beef Burger.
They play their jingle all day long.
- Now, how did that go?
- [GROANS]
Who cares about burger jingles?
She's gonna die!
I think we all know this is
another one of your famous fibs.
Yeah, like that time you said
there was a boy in
the woods crying wolf,
and when we got there,
there was no boy at all.
Just a fat wolf.
[GROANS]
Oh, come on. Pick up, pick up.
[LINE TWANGS]
Milhouse, what are you doing?
Just playing a game on my phone.
Listen to me, there's a screaming woman
buried in the woods,
and I need your help digging her up.
No can do, Bart.
I'm at my grandma's.
Had my calls forwarded.
I won't be back for another three days.
We can play the screaming
woman game then.
It's not a game!
Ugh. I lost all my high scores.
All right, I'll just check
every house in the neighborhood
until I find the one
that's missing a lady.
♪
Oh, hi, Mrs. Van Houten.
Never mind. Glad you're not in a hole.
Is something the matter, Bart?
There's a screaming woman
buried in the woods,
but everyone thinks I'm lying.
A screaming woman?
That does sound serious.
You believe me?
Of course. Why not come inside
and tell me more over
a nice glass of milk?
Thanks, but we should hurry.
I don't think she has much time left.
[GULPS]
Time enough for one more
glass of milk, I bet.
I shouldn't. Milk makes me sleepy.
Milhouse should be home soon.
Uh, he's with his hula hoop tutor.
I thought he was at his grandmother's?
Oh. [LAUGHS] Whatever
gave you that idea?
Bottoms up.
Now, you must be ready for a nap.
No I have to save [YAWNS]
[YAWNING] the lady.
Nighty-night.
Must stay awake.
[GRUNTS, GASPS]
Lady! Are you still alive down there?
Give me a sign, please.
You can't be dead. You can't.
[CRYING] I'm sorry, lady. I tried.
The one time I'm not lying to
make other people look stupid
for believing me,
and no one will believe me.
[WOMAN] The beefiest
beef eats other beef ♪
Wait, are you singing?
The beefiest beef
eats other beef ♪
Double Beef Burgers'
beef-fed beef. ♪
You just sang our old burger jingle.
How could you possibly know it?
Because the screaming
woman just sang it to me.
[GASPS] That's no screaming woman
it's a screaming Kirk.
I was wondering when you were
gonna finish that thought.
[SCREAMS]
[COUGHS, GRUNTS]
Oh, thank you, Bart. Oh, you saved me.
Is this the woman who buried you?
He let Miss Hoover see
him buying my hair dye.
The shame. What choice did I have?
Uh, she's got a point.
Here in the 1950s,
murder is much more socially acceptable
- than, uh, you know, divorce.
- [HANDCUFFS UNCLICK]
- You're free to go.
- A-Are you mad at me?
Kind of seem like you're mad at me.
Oh, honey, we'll never doubt you again.
Really?
Lisa's a communist.
Mm. Take her away, Chief.
♪
Wow, your tattoos really are magic.
What's that one about?
Uh, that one tells a story
of a brief period
where I was very into the band Sublime.
This one does something.
Item 22 on the agenda,
preparations for flag day.
Yeah, it's seven months away.
And we are woefully behind.
I'd like to get your opinion
on some bunting samples.
Oh, kill me.
Now, uh, the price per yard
on this one is a bit high,
but the drape will make it
the comeliest thing on a pole
you've ever seen.
You know you're a tragic figure?
Like Hamlet if he was
boring and a principal
and a and an idiot.
♪
Another Gallo, barkeep.
Uh-uh, leave the box.
Hey, pal.
You don't look like the kind of guy
who drinks alone just for the fun of it.
What's eating at you?
Have you ever been forced
to spend all of your time
with someone whose very existence
just sucks the will to
live right out of you?
What if I told you
today's modern science
has a solution to that very problem?
Come with me.
How is this possible?
He-he looks just like you.
Not he, it.
It's an exact robot replica of me.
A very hush-hush new technology.
How do they work?
They're full of gears. Hundreds of 'em.
Gears, of course,
but you made a mechanical doppelganger
of yourself just to hang
out with your best friend?
Uh, well,
Lenny's really into jigsaw puzzles,
and I am not.
So, whenever he breaks one out,
I send in Robot Carl.
Call that number and start
living your best life.
My, my, you are quite the me.
Now, h-how does one power you up?
Well, I do enjoy a good cup
of coffee in the morning.
Oh, as do I.
Nature's pipe cleaner, I call it.
But you would know that, uh, being me,
only in robot form, of course.
Yes, quite.
A-And you the human me, as it were.
- Indeed. Yes.
- Very good.
- Well, there you have it.
- Have it, we do.
So, how can I help?
I like a man who gets
right to the point.
I know you do.
Ah, yes, you would.
Well, eh, shall we?
Lead the way.
Mm
Hmm
Have a good day, Superintendent.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do.
I don't think my
programming would allow it.
What are you doing here?
I I just saw you at the school.
[BOTH PANTING]
[PANTING] How
how are there two of you?
[PANTING] I ordered a robot me
so I wouldn't have to be
around you anymore.
What? You don't Robot-Skinner me,
I Robot-Chalmers you.
You're the annoying one.
And you're the mean one.
Oh, you'd yell your name at you
if you had to deal with you, too.
I would find myself highly tolerable.
Guy from the bar that night,
thank God I found you.
You got to destroy that
robot before it's too late.
What's wrong with the robots?
I don't know what happened.
Something with the gears, maybe.
Good God.
Robot Carl started thinking for himself,
and it wasn't pretty.
Last night, the robot tells me
he planned a trip
to Niagara Falls for him and Lenny.
Well, that sounds like fun,
so I says, "I'm going
because I'm the real Carl."
And then he starts crying,
which they ain't supposed to do.
But when I tried to
shove him in his crate,
that wind-up dingus fought back
with robot super strength.
So I did the only thing I could.
You got to act fast.
Once the robots start feeling emotions,
there's no telling what could happen.
Uh, children,
we have recently become aware
of an extraordinary human concept.
It's called friendship.
Dear God, emotions.
We're too late.
In order to promote friend-making,
students are encouraged
to call their teachers
by their first names.
First-name-calling?
No, that can only lead to
the breakdown of the social order.
Wanton high-fiving.
T-shirts worn as real shirts.
Well, let's give it a try, shall we?
Hello, Seymour.
Howdy, Gary
[GRUNTING]
[CHEERING]
[GRUNTING]
You like feelings, huh?
How does my fist feel?
[GRUNTS]
Go back to hell, you bionic bastard.
[CHEERING]
This is the best assembly ever!
Don't shoot!
I'm the real Chalmers.
He's lying. Shoot him.
Shoot the one on the left.
- Right.
- Left. - Right.
- Left.
- Right. - Left.
Shoot 'em both.
It's the only way to be sure.
Look, look, we were wrong to play God.
But if there's anything I
have learned from all of this,
other than don't make
robots of yourself,
it's that I could afford
to be a little bit nicer to you,
Seymour.
Skinner!
He's obviously the robot!
Shoot him! God, you're an idiot!
[SIGHS] I know the real
Chalmers when I hear him.
No!
[CHEERING]
[WEAKLY] I forgive you, Seymour.
I know that you'll
you'll plan a wonderful
flag day
[SOBBING]
[NELSON] Haw-haw!
Um, I couldn't help but notice
some lovely bunting
samples in your office.
Perhaps you could, uh
walk me through them?
I'd like that, Gary.
- Well, it's 9:00, so
- Please don't go.
Let me spin just one more tale
of the strange and fantastical.
Cast your gaze,
just above my hernia scar,
and travel to a chillingly
plausible future.
[FIREMAN] Firemen.
- [GASPS]
- We have a report
of subversive content in this house.
Step away from the
lowbrow entertainment.
I'm sorry, I was just curious.
It won't happen again.
Yeah [CHUCKLES]
Not after a little reeducation,
it won't.
Homer, hurry,
the new episode of Robber Barons
is about to start.
The very idea,
an elevated train under the ground?
I require no crystal ball
to see that your invention
will never work, Mr. Thaddeus Subway.
Who's that guy with the mustache?
Who's that other mustache?
It's so dark. Can we brighten it?
This is how the director
meant for us to watch it.
Our squinting reinforces the themes.
It's got to be almost over, right?
This is still the recap from last week.
Oh
Homer, it's our civic duty
to watch the most densely
plotted television we can.
That's why lowbrow
entertainment was outlawed.
[GROANS]
Hey, guys, great job on that last raid.
We took out 32 seasons of Diners,
Drive-Ins and Dives,
and the last known episode
of Last Man Standing.
Have you guys ever
watched any of that
lowbrow stuff we burn?
- Uh, illegal much?
- [ALARM RINGING]
All right, let's go start fires
instead of putting 'em out.
Up we go!
[WOLFCASTLE GRUNTS]
Fire Department!
Hmm?
[BLEATS]
[SCREAMS]
[LAUGHING]
I thought goat was going to eat carrot,
but goat chomped farmer in the junk!
[LAUGHING]
Don't burn it, lad.
You like what you see?
Take it, watch it. Find us.
[FIRE CRACKLING]
Did you all read Alan
Sepinwall III's recap
of the season finale of The Hapsburgs?
- Uh-huh. - Oh, yes, absolutely.
- Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Do you guys ever wish TV
could be dumb and fun?
So when you watch it, you just laugh?
Thank you for a lovely evening, Marge.
♪
[LAUGHING]
Dad? What were you watching?
Son,
you're the one person in this family
that might understand this.
It's possible we've been
wrong about everything.
[VCR CLICKS]
- [SNEEZE]
- [BABY CRYING]
The dog that sneezed in the baby's face,
what's his backstory?
There's no backstory. It just is.
Which is its own kind
of innovative narrative?
No, no narrative!
[MOANS] Forget it.
Please, son,
just don't tell anyone about this.
I trust you.
Reports of lowbrow contraband!
Why, son? Why did you betray me?
I trusted you!
Merch.
[SCREAMS] Burn-master
General Siegfried Blaze!
Homer, you disappoint me.
Don't you see that we set
fires for the good of humanity?
We learned long ago that entertainment
must fully occupy the
consciousness of the population.
You're using quality TV to control us.
Yes, these challenging shows
are the perfect distraction
from how dystopian our dystopia is.
You monster!
Am I?
Do you know what entertainment was like
in the before-times?
Comfort shows you could
just put on in any order
while you looked at your phone.
Oh, that sounds like heaven.
Don't worry, a little reeducation
and you'll be as good as new.
Strap him to the viewing chamber
for four seasons of
Mozart in the Jungle.
[YELPING]
I
choose
crap!
[LOW GROWL]
Barney, I can't explain,
but I need to switch clothes with you.
What fun!
Huh?
[FIREMAN OVER LOUDSPEAKER]
Threat neutralized.
[HOMER WHIMPERS QUIETLY]
[HOMER GASPS] The symbol from the tape.
Please, let me in.
I just want to watch something
that isn't very good.
[HINGE SQUEAKS]
[HOMER] Yoink!
They said there were others like me.
[GASPS] Lowbrow
[FLATLY] Hey, hey.
This is all that remains
of the old civilization.
Singing contests. Real Housewives.
The Golden Bachelor.
All yours to enjoy.
I never dreamed there
was this much nothing.
- [YELPS]
- [CRASHING]
Thank you, Homer, for leading us here.
Hey, isn't that the guy
who created Breaking Bad?
Vince Gilligan? Where?
Let them go.
They have no garbage left to watch.
[HOMER] Some say the
world is destined to drown
in an ocean of prestige television.
But so long as we tell the tales
of singers masked and
Kardashians kept up with,
garbage will live forever.
And then Sheldon said,
"Bazinga."
So in the end,
the only rules that mattered
were the Vanderpump rules.
That night, my friends,
the funniest home
video in all of America
was deemed to be
"Squirrel Falls in Grandma's Soup."
- [GASPS]
- [APPLAUSE]
Wow, those stories are amazing.
But I guess I should be leaving this
strange, featureless void?
What happened? Where am I?
You were kind enough to listen
to the required stories three.
And this is your eternal reward.
No! Get me out of here!
I don't want to be a living tattoo!
Eh, don't worry,
you'll make friends in no time.
Hi.
I don't practice Santeria ♪
I ain't got no crystal ball ♪
Ugh. No!
But I ♪
I'd spend it all ♪
If I could find that jaina ♪
And that Sancho that she found ♪
Well, I'd pop a cap in Sancho ♪
And I'd slap her down ♪
What I really want to know ♪
Ah, baby. ♪
Shh!