Saturday Night Live (1975) s36e08 Episode Script

and now a message from the President of the United States.
good evening, my fellow Americans.
Yesterday I traveled to Afghanistan to speak with our Brave men and women serving in The armed services.
While the way forward may be Difficult and there are -- hello, america.
This week we do not inspire Revolution as I have hoped, but Tonight I represent a new wiki Leaks where the leaks are even More embarrassing and the Details more assorted.
Welcome to wiki leaks, tmz.
The world leaders behaving Badly.
Come on.
you know how one of the leak Cable says he has a nurse who Never leaves his side.
that was a juicy nurse.
our guys got caught leaving a Hot new restaurant.
Check it.
hey gadhafi, what's up, man? Who is the lady? she's my nurse.
pretty hot for a nurse.
what did you say? I said she's pretty hot for a Nurse.
I am nurse.
a what? this is nurse.
and also president.
all right.
Yeah, good, good stuff, guys.
But he's an easy target.
hey, jules, I have got some Premo stuff over here.
You know nicolas sarkozy got Torn up in the classified memos, Right? Our cameraman found him pretty Ripped outside and it got even Worse.
hey, sarkozy, having a good Night? what? I did.
did he ask you about all the Bribery in your administration? you've got to be kidding.
I do not take bribes.
what an idiot.
Good work.
What I really want for christmas Is a takedown of hillary Clinton.
well, ho ho ho.
Your wishes are answered.
One of our sources sent us a Video that has to be seen to be Believed.
who is the source? top secret, but they shot it, They sent it to us and you have Never seen hillary clinton like This before what part of spying on the U.
N.
Don't you understand? I want everything.
Hair samples, fingerprints, Where they buy their groceries.
We are the United States of America.
We can do what we want.
Hey, are you filming me? hell.
outstanding.
you try me for treason, you Can't because I'm from Australia.
Nice try, dummies.
In closing, I want to let you Know that no matter how I die, It was murder.
And life from new york, it's Saturday night! announcer: It's "Saturday Night live.
" With fred armisen, Abby elliott, Bill hader, Seth meyers, Bobby moynihan, Andy samberg, Jason sudeikis, Kenan thompson, Kristen wiig, Featuring -- Vanessa bayer, Paul brittain, Taran killiam.
Nasim pedrad, Jay farrow, Musical guests diddy-dirty Money, And your host, robert de niro.
Ladies and gentlemen, robert de Niro.
[ cheers and applause .]
thank you.
Thank you, thank you, thank you Very much.
Thanks.
Okay.
You can shut up now.
Thank you.
It's great to be here hosting "Saturday night live.
" I'm hoping this will really kick Start my movie career.
[ laughter .]
And it's a real thrill to be With all of you here tonight in New york city! [ cheers and applause .]
This is my town.
No one knows this city better Than me.
New york, new york, the city of Angels.
Home of the golden gate bridge.
York.
[ laughter .]
From all four ethnicities.
It's truly a melting basket.
That's why we have neighborhoods Like china town and french world And amish paradise because it's New york, usa.
excuse me.
Yeah, I think you might have a Couple of your facts wrong.
[ laughter .]
I'm so sorry.
new york city, land of 1,000 Lakes.
As they say here in new york, Forget about this.
[ laughter .]
And in new york we don't do Anything halfway.
That's why we have the tallest Building in the world, the Taj mahal.
hey, excuse me, have you ever Even been to new york before? south beach.
[ laughter .]
hey! it's new york, baby.
Land of the free.
Home of the atlanta braves.
[ laughter .]
You know, I still go back to my Old neighborhood sometimes.
500 street.
And I visit my old performing Arts school where it all began.
Hogwarts.
[ laughter .]
I think we have all heard Enough.
oh, have we? Are you sure? Give him that pen.
sorry.
you good now? yeah.
good.
We have got a great show for you Tonight.
D Diddy-dirty money is here.
So stick around, we will be Right back.
[ cheers and applause .]
So stick around.
We will be right back.
[ cheers and applause .]
we have an all new thriller You won't be able to put down.
It had you on the edge of your Seat.
We will throw you over the edge With the abacus conundrum.
did you buckle up yet? and now, harlan kane has Rafted his most thrilling Invention yet.
Now the abacus conundrum.
lot of good words in this One.
and in January 2011 get ready For the picasso.
All from harlan kane, the abacus Conundrum.
I don't know.
People keep reading them.
announcer: It's "what up with That," taking on issues of today With soul.
Tonight, a tribute to hollywood.
-- With screen legend Robert de niro, oscar nominated You robin williams and movie Enthusiastic, lindsey Buckingham.
Here's your host, deandre cole! I work up this morning And I got out of bed Got a big old box of popcorn To clear my head went to the theater And down I sat We're going to the movies With "what's up with that" movies What's up with that? What's up with that? movies What's up with that? What's up with that? what's up -- With that -- Yes [ cheers and applause .]
well, thank you all for Joining us on, "what up with That?" Where, tonight, we will salute Hollywood.
We gonna talk about films.
We gonna talk about features.
we gonna talk about Creatures Cinema teachers there's gonna sequels Prequels Squeakquels eagles Beagles Seagulls people Weasel Everybody sing ooh-wee What's up with that? Oompa loompa What's up with that? ooh-wee What's up with that? What's up with that? what's up -- -- What's up What is up with that? what is up with that? What is up with that? Now, if you go To the movies don't get too much Liquid butter Yes all righty.
Well, I am honored to have so Many wonderful guests tonight.
Robert de niro is here.
[ cheers and applause .]
hello deandre.
robin williams is here.
[ cheers and applause .]
thanks for having me.
Thank you.
and my dear friend, lindsey Buckingham who agreed to come Here on his birthday.
[ cheers and applause .]
Lindsey, I don't want to speak Too soon, but we might have a Little surprise for you later.
Okay, now, robert de niro, you Have been in so many classic Movies.
Why don't you tell us how you Got started.
well, sure, deandre.
I've been doing this a long Time.
You know, the first time I Worked with marty scorsese was In "mean streets" and then -- [ tapping .]
What's that? I don't know.
I was trying to speak, okay.
so anyway, when I did "mean streets," -- [ symbol tapping .]
There it is again.
Am I crazy? Did you hear that? no, I hear it and it's very Rude.
[ laughter .]
you know what, I'm not gonna Say another word.
[ laughter .]
uncomfortable silence.
oh, no you don't, this is Wrong.
This is disrespectful.
You're being disrespectful.
what's up with that? What's up with that ladies and gentlemen, dance Steps.
I saw you tonight In my movie dream Holding hands with -- -- dance in My movie dream -- Dance the night Away Away eith rambo in my movie In my movie In my movie You're all a dvd extra ooh-wee What's up with that? What's up with that? ooh-wee What's up with that? What's up with that? ladies and gentlemen, from The "godzilla" franchise, please Welcome mothra.
go mothra Go mothra You a moth You a moth you big Crush the city -- Don't get too close To the porch light don't get too close To the porch light Stay away From the porch light stay away From the porch light ooh-wee What's up with that? What's up with that? ooh-wee What's up with that? What's with that? what's up -- What's up I said what's up With that? what is up with that? What is up with that? What is up with that? Now if the movie floor Is sticky don't ask no questions Because you don't want To know Yeah [ cheers and applause .]
well, we out of time.
I want to thank my guest the Prickly mr.
Robert niro.
you messed up.
the adorable and naughty, Robin williams.
thank you.
I'm just tweeting what a great Time I didn't have.
and, oh no, not on your Birthday, lindsey buckingham, I Feel terrible.
Look lindsey, look.
I got you a present.
It's a picture of us, lindsey.
Do you love it? Do you love it, lindsey? There you go! I knew you loved it.
I knew you loved it, lindsey.
Happy birthday.
You want some cake? Oh, well, I guess we should have Got some then? hey, hey, hey, hey Ooh-wee What's up with that? What's up with that? ooh-wee What's up with that? What's up with that? [ cheers and applause .]
announcer: Next week, Paul rugg with musical guest Paul mccartney.
it's "from the garden" with Mr.
Produce himself, Tony cecilia.
hi, hi, hello, everybody.
And welcome to "from the Garden.
" I'm tony cecelia.
It may be December but my California garden is still Teeming with tasty produce like These sweet potatoes right here.
They're loaded with vitamin a.
So, what do you say we pump up The yams? [ laughter .]
Now, what I like to do is just Cut them in half.
[chopping noise.]
Whoops, looks like something Started eating this one already.
I'll consult another one.
Oh, for the love of -- where's My son? Anthony? Anthony? Did you spray the Potatoes last week when I went To new york to do the "today Show.
" I don't know, did I? it looks as if you did not.
is that how it looks? [ laughter .]
you should have.
should I have? we will talk about it later.
will we? [ laughter .]
you know, why don't you just Skedaddle on out of here so your Dad can do the show, okay? is that what I should do -- Skedaddle? [ laughter .]
that, of course, is anthony, My oldest son who is home from College right now and he is a Been helping me in the garden.
Okay.
So another one of my favorite Vegetables is the winter squash.
Now, this one is a biggie.
You can call it a sasquatch.
The first thing I like stood to Cut these in half and scoop out The center.
[chopping noise.]
[ laughter .]
[ laughter .]
Anthony, you are killing me over Here.
Ant -- did you spray the squash When I asked you to? I don't know, did I? black meal worms have totally Invaded the inside of this Squash.
is that what they've totally Done -- Invaded it? [ laughter .]
you need to check your Attitude, you know that, young Man? is that what I need to do? [ laughter .]
you might be racking your Brain at my son who would still Be home from thanksgiving break.
It's a new holiday invented Called college is too hard day.
[ laughter .]
The way we celebrate is taking Your father's hard earned money And wiping your ass with it.
[ laughter .]
is that how you celebrate it? [ laughter .]
I'm gonna take you on a pl e Plane -- [ laughter .]
Through the country and I'm Gonna -- where beating your Children is encouraged.
[ laughter .]
you have -- you know what else, ladies And gentlemen? These really delicious jerusalem Artichokes.
They aren't really artichokes at All.
They are edible tubers and it's Really important to keep them Moist like this isn't.
Unlike these which are just like This -- dust.
Anthony.
what's up? nothing.
I'll tell you what's up.
Did you even water the garden While I was away? I don't know.
Did I even do that? [ laughter .]
[ applause .]
If you answer my questions with A question one more time, I'm Gonna shove a turnip straight up Your ying-yang.
[ laughter .]
you know what, dad? You spend all your time being Nurturing your vegetables and Running off to the "today show.
" But you never take the time to Ask me the real questions like Are you afraid to admit you're Ask having a tough time in College, son? anthony, I didn't realize.
maybe you should ask Yourself -- have you watered Your son lately? [ laughter .]
Have you sprayed him so he Doesn't get eaten alive by the Caterpillars of college Pressure.
I'm so sorry, anthony.
Give me a hug.
is that what you are? yes.
I am.
[ laughter .]
[grunting.]
next week, we'll be talking About apple cider.
is that what we will be Talking about, apple cider? yeah come here you little Bastard.
[ laughter .]
[ applause .]
I can't believe our boss is Letting us hang in this palace For the whole weekend.
We are going to get so many Babes.
man, forget about the babes.
I'm just hoping for that Promotion.
Mr.
Bernard, we're here.
Dude, look.
mr.
Bernard? mr.
Bernard? Wow, looks like you really Partied hardy.
Mr.
Bernard, your guests are Going to be here soon.
uh, devin, I don't think he's Alive.
oh, god, oh, man.
yep.
We need to call the cops.
yep, ricky, you're absolutely Right.
We definitely should call the Cops.
But the party is in one hour.
All those babes are already in Motion.
If they show up here this place Is going from party house to Funeral home? We're going to be the laughing Stock of the beach.
so what do you suggest? We pretend he's alive and have The best night ever.
dude, that is a great idea.
yeah! all right.
mmmm.
okay.
Let in the babes.
Come on in.
oh, my god! whoo! welcome to the party, you Guys.
I believe you know mr.
Bernard.
oh, my god he's [ bleep .]
Dead! [ laughter .]
ah! whoo-whoo! someone likes you.
the party just started, Everybody.
you're gonna burn in hell for This.
[ laughter .]
they then dressed him in a Hawaiian shirt and propped him Up for show like a rag dog Cadaver.
they desecrated his body.
They made him do the limbo.
well, I think I have heard Enough.
undeif it please the court, e Is one more thing you need to See.
hello, this is my video will And testament.
In the event of my death, I ask That my dead body be dressed in A hawaiian shirt and sunglasses And that I be paraded around a Rocking beach party filled with Bodacious babes.
[ laughter .]
Oh, and devin, and robbie, You're promoted.
boom! whoo! [ laughter .]
Look who I dug out.
yah! [ cheers and applause .]
ladies and gentlemen, Diddy-dirty money.
[ cheers and applause .]
I'm coming home I'm coming home Tell the world I'm coming home Let the rain wash away all the pain Of yesterday I know my kingdom awaits And they've forgiven My mistakes I'm coming home I'm coming home Tell the world I'm coming I'm back where I belong I never felt so strong I'm feelin' like there's Nothing that I can't try and if you with me Put your hands high if you ever lost A light before I hear the tears of A clown I hate that song I feel like they talking To me when it comes on another day another dawn Another keisha Nice to meet ya Get the math I'm gone what am I 'posed to do When the club lights come on It's easy to be puff But it's harder to be sean what if the twins ask why I aint marry their mom Damn, how do I respond? what if my son stares With a face like my own And says he wants To be like me when he's grown? But I aint finished growing Another night the Inevitable prolongs another day another dawn Just tell taneka and taresha I'll be better in the morn' Another lie that I carry on I need to Get back to the Place I belong I'm coming home I'm coming home Tell the world I'm coming home Let the rain wash away all the pain Of yesterday I know my kingdom awaits And they've forgiven My mistakes I'm coming home I'm coming home Tell the world I'm coming a house is not a home I hate this song Is a house really a home When your loved ones is gone? No, noo And people got the nerve To blame you for it and you know you woulda Took the bullet If you saw it but you felt it And still feel it And money can't Make up for it or conceal it But you deal with it And you keep ballin' Pour out some liquor, playboy And we keep ballin' baby we've been living In sin 'cause we've been really In love but we've been living As friends Yeah so you've been a guest in your own home It's time to make your House your home, pick Up your phone, come on I'm coming home I'm coming home Tell the world I'm coming home Let the rain wash away all the pain Of yesterday I know my kingdom awaits And they've forgiven My mistakes I'm coming home I'm coming home Tell the world I'm coming ain't no stopping us now I love that song Whenever it comes on it Makes me feel strong I thought I told y'all That we won't stop We back cruising through Harlem, viso blocks it's what made me, saved me Drove me crazy Drove me away than Embraced me, forgave me for all of my shortcomings Welcome to my homecoming Yeah it's been a Long time coming lot of fights lot of scars Lot of bottles, lot of cars Lot of ups, lot of downs Made it back, lost my dog and here I stand A better man! Thank you lord Thank you I'm coming home I'm coming home Tell the world I'm coming home Let the rain wash away all the pain Of yesterday I know my kingdom awaits And they've forgiven My mistakes I'm coming home I'm coming home Tell the world I'm coming home [ cheers and applause .]
"weekend update" with seth Meyers.
this week american diplomacy Accidentally hit "reply all.
" Of the close to 250,000 Documents released this week by Wiki leaks, only 15,000 are Classified as secret and none Are marked top secret.
Those several were marked so Juicy, you guys.
In the wake of the wiki leaks Document dump, secretary of State tried to apologize.
Said bill clinton, not so fun, S it? A new survey ranked portland International airport is the Best in the country while Laguardia was ranked the worst.
Not only the worst airport, just The worst.
A prepaid credit card called the Cardashian card was shut down This week after the attorney General's threatened to Investigate the card.
Here to comment are the Cardashians.
hi, bob.
hi, bob.
so you've got to help me out Here.
Which cardashian is which? I'm kim, the pretty one.
I'm courtney, the smartone.
and I'm chloe.
okay.
so, guys, what happened with This card? I don't know.
it's crazy.
nobody knows.
we thought it was a great way To transfer money to young People without bank accounts.
But it was also full of Predatory hidden fees.
well, that's a pretty big Butt.
thank you.
thank you.
that's on me.
That's on me.
So you're not endorsing the card Anymore.
we literally took our name Off it immediately.
so true.
And that's not all.
We also had to take our name off Some other products like the Cardashian birth control pills.
yeah.
They were skittles.
we are also pulling our name From cardashian back tattoos.
were they permanent? not only were they permanent, The only kind available were Red.
despite these setbacks, we Want everyone to know that no One takes this more seriously Than me and my sisters.
We know we are literally role Models, and we are sorry to the Thousands of little girls out There who look at us sisters and Dream that one day they too can Be good at -- the cardashians, everyone.
If anything disproves the Existence of god, it's the Holland tunnel.
a new book called "columbus, The untold story" claims Christopher columbus is not Italian but actually the son of The polish king.
over 580 students in new York this week set a world Record for most people spinning Draddles at the same time.
They also broke the record for Worse palooza.
This week the spiderman musical Had had its first run of Previews on broadway after Several delays due to actors Sustaining why ares.
Here to comment one of the Actors from the musical, ryan Christopher.
there's been a lot of reports With problems on production.
How is it going? don't believe the negative Press set.
Spiderman is the biggest musical Ever.
I really think you're gonna flip For it.
are you like supposed to be Flipping around right now? maybe.
Sorry, this is all very new to Me.
I'm the fourth understudy.
The first broke his wrist.
The other shattered his leg and The last guy just exploded.
what is gog on over there? it's a musical, seth.
It happens.
Do you know how many people die Every year doing jersey boy? so, what can we look forward To on the show? well, it's basically me Taking on all of those classic Spiderman super villains.
okay, so like, the green Goblin.
oh, no, he's out of the show.
He fell off the balcony and Landed in a fire pit.
[ laughter .]
okay.
What about dr.
Octopus.
buried alive.
Yeah, unrelated to the show.
what villains do you have Left? we have some cool new ones.
So, like, there's the chocolate Milk man and the schmoop.
schmoop, sure.
shrek stops by for like an Hour.
It will be great, seth.
I really think you're going to Flip for it.
[ laughter .]
do you need help? actually, there is something You can help me with, seth.
okay.
What's that? upside down spiderman kiss.
You be mary jane.
no.
come on.
okay.
Fine.
I'll be mary jane.
Just hook up the smooch.
no.
hook up the smooch.
I'm not hooking up the Smooch.
oh, just give me a kiss.
I guarantee you, you'll flip for It.
[ laughter .]
everyone, ryan christopher.
remember me! [ cheers and applause .]
now that he's gone, I kind of Wish I hooked up the smooch.
police in brazil discovered A mural on the wall.
a man in australia married His 5-year-old dog named honey.
Of course now that he's married, Good luck getting him to roll Over.
a man in australia married His 5-year-old dog.
Before you judge, in dog years, She's 35 so it's not weird.
a man in australia named his 5-year-old dog and insists his Relationship isn't sexual.
Okay.
Then why is the only thing that He registered for peanut butter? [ audience ohs .]
a man in sweden a control That when swallowed can turn the Person's stomach into a jukebox.
been almost a year since Michelle obama's signature issue "let's move" here to talk about Her roll is 1982's best selling Aerobic instructor, janet.
whoo! Yeah.
All right.
Come on.
And breathe.
Whoo! Come on, and everybody going to The left shake that booty.
Come on.
And breathe.
can we cut the music? Have a seat.
It's great to have you out here.
So janet, if you would take a Seat, we would love to hear About the initiative.
just have to cool down for a Second.
It's bad for my muscles.
janet, are you ready? I am ready.
I'm all cooled down.
I am ready.
I have got some great tips.
what is the first tip? okay, all right every morning You are going to want to wake up And you are going to want to Move your booty, okay? You are going to get some good Old funky energetic music like This.
And one, and two.
Everyone.
Step to your left.
Okay.
All right.
all right.
Again, I'm sorry, if you could Just sit down I would love to Talk about -- oh, my muscles are going to Spasm.
You've got to let me go real Quickly.
you guys are going to do Another cooldown.
real quickly.
janet, by really must like if You wouldn't do that again.
How about diet tips? okay.
Cottage cheese and celery, Please.
Seriously, obesity is a huge Problem in this country.
Nine out of ten people don't Even know how to do this.
Whoo, come on.
I'm sorry, this since working Out.
Why don't you come back some Other time when you are not So -- coked up.
okay.
That good? really good.
well, that's a wrap for the Day.
Nice work, everyone.
At this rate, "little fockers" Is going to be the best fockers Yet.
hey, james.
hey, denise.
remember when I told you About my 8-year-old nephew.
yeah, oh, yeah.
would it be okay if I showed Him around? yeah, of course.
Where is he? he's a little shy.
hey, it's okay, buddy.
Come on out.
it's okay? yeah.
it's okay? it's okay, sweetie, come on.
wow! this is where they are making "little fockers.
" check it out.
This here is the camera.
what? The real one? yeah, take a look.
This is charles.
He runs the craft services.
He's in charge of all the food On the set.
really? on the real fockers set? yeah, that's right.
Help yourself to some candy, Little man.
what? No way! Wow! well, I hear we have a Special visitor on this set? you really lucked out.
Look who's here.
It's robert de niro.
hey, kid.
hello.
I hear you are a big fockers Fan.
I am.
well, you don't seem -- what? I don't seem what? oh, nothing.
Forget it.
okay.
hey, everyone, I have got Tomorrow's schedule.
what? The real one? yeah, you want a copy? wow, to keep? it's okay? keith, honey, calm down, Sweetie.
I'm sorry, he's just really into Movies and movie culture.
oh, is that so? yes, it is.
[ laughter .]
look, honey, it's pat.
He takes care of all the makeup.
really? actually, I just take it off.
but still.
come on, you're impressed by Pat.
hey.
this whole job was to make me Look good.
well, was he when you made "analyze that"? [ audience ohs .]
I'm sorry, mr.
De niro, he's A huge movie fan.
He's just not really interested In actors.
hey.
[ cheers and applause .]
oh, my god! It's ben stiller! Get out of the way! I love your movies.
thanks, man.
because of all your kids Movies.
which one's your favorite? "permanent midnight.
" Now, that's how you do drama.
[ laughter .]
well, we should go.
wait, wait, don't leave.
I'll do some lines from the Movie for you.
I'll even do some of ben's Lines.
come on, let it go.
come on, give me a chance.
I want to just show him.
sweetie, let's take a picture With everybody.
Okay.
Wow.
cheese.
[ laughter .]
[ cheers and applause .]
all right, diddy, you were a Week past deadline on this Album.
I hope you have some good stuff To show us.
don't worry about it.
I've got this guy that's coming In that's crazy.
He's the hottest hook guy in the Business.
oh, yeah? Who's that? Trey songz? better.
bruno mars? no.
Blizzard man.
oh, the blizzard man.
Yeah, I've heard of him.
Legend has it he's a straight up Hermit.
that must be him right there.
my man.
you ready to do this? let's go.
so that's the blizzard man? yeah, it's the blizzard man.
Don't judge a book by its cover.
My man is like all rolled in One.
you're Speaking my language, Baby.
let's go.
holler back.
yoeshgs ino, I'm about to st.
[ applause .]
my man, he's crazy.
that was awful.
yeah, it was bad.
my kid in there keeps the Truth.
well, who was that? yo, that's my moms.
it's indeed a pleasure to Meet you.
as you know, a bitch got to Stay dipped.
indeed.
let's go back to making a Smash.
Let's hit it one more time, Baby.
check my saddle out.
We stuff socks down the front of Our jeans and the girls say yo, no Hallmark what you talking about, my Boy just killed it in there.
don't front out, blitz.
He's spinning high hive.
girl, you the one that's on Fire.
You wasn't my man's mom, I tear That ass up.
thank you.
you must be really proud of Your son.
yes, he's a rough man that Gets his stuff on and he looks Like a young danzel.
one more time.
I want you to really put it on This time.
Come on, let's go.
yo, in the building, we run New york, bliz, 1990 fork.
90 fork.
parents don't understand, Hungry like the wolf, check my Style out.
puke, puke congratulations, I think you Have got yourself another hit.
We are going straight to the Town with this one, baby.
Yeah! [ applause .]
[ speaking italian .]
[ speaking italian .]
[ cheers and applause .]
robert de niro.
[ speaking italian .]
I'm sorry, I don't speak Italian.
[ light laughter .]
you don't speak italian? no.
[ speaking italian .]
[ speaking italian .]
I am sorry about that.
So on to question.
Everybody has a robert de niro Impression.
yeah, everyone seems to have One.
do yours.
do my what? do your robert de niro Impression.
I guess, hello, I'm robert de Niro.
it's not so good.
[ laughter .]
Show him.
hello, I'm robert de niro.
hey, that's robert de niro.
you're right.
He was better.
robert de niro.
my son is a huge fan of yours And I promised him that he could Do a scene from one of your Movies for you.
okay.
come on, my bambino.
give me my money! I want all of my money! what movie is this from? it's not from a movie.
He's drunk again.
[ laughter .]
if you don't give me my Money, I will kill you.
his first communion was on Sunday, and he's been on a -- How do you say -- bender.
I kill you, robert de niro.
[ laughter .]
my little boy.
"deer hunter.
" yes.
we have a surprise for you.
The deer from "deer hunter" is Here.
[ laughter .]
And he wants to get revenge.
I knew this day was going to Come.
Whoa! [ speaking italian .]
was there a guy in there? yes.
I'm sure he's fine.
We need a momento, one moment.
He is dead.
[ laughter .]
So "taxi driver.
" yes.
do the famous line.
no.
[ laughter .]
I don't want to do the line.
people would really like it.
no thank you.
I respect your choice.
You're a man of great integrity, Robert de niro.
So you're in the new movie "little fockers.
" This is the third movie in the Trilogy? what? did you enjoy making this Movie, yes? who are you talking to? do you like working with Dustin hoffman? are you talking to me? I got him to do it! [ cheers and applause .]
you tricked me.
You're very funny.
yes! That is all the time we have.
See you next time! [ cheers and applause .]
I do this so much in my life.
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I can even shower with my new Hair.
It feels great.
these are just a few of the Many people who aamazed with the Results.
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now I have got life back in Me.
I look great.
Thanks, bosley.
[ cheers and applause .]
once again, diddy-dirty Money featuring swizz beats.
[ cheers and applause .]
whoo! Oh! when you're In the club Get your ass On the floor when you're In the club Get your ass On the floor when you're In the club Get your ass On the floor when-when you're In the club Get your ass On the floor them haters can't Tell me nothing Them haters can't Tell me nothing them haters can't Tell me nothing you're the love Of my life But you hurt my Heart twice now I'm drunker Than a mutha Trying to find My way back to your heart You mutha so I know there's A price When you're wrong And you're right and your drunker Than a mutha Trying to find your Way back to love you You mutha baby you know You know just what to do I know you Know the truth and we will never lose There's no me Without no you I give my soul to you when you're In the club Get your ass On the floor when you're In the club Get your ass On the floor when you're In the club Get your ass On the floor when-when you're In the club Get your ass On the floor them haters can't Tell me nothing Them haters can't Tell you nothing them haters can't Tell you nothing so made me cry Don't you hurt Hurt my pride got me madder Than a mutha Trying to fight My way back to your heart You mutha see you ache In my brain In your arms I feel safe you know deep down I will always love ya Trying to find your way Back to my heart you baby you know You know just what to do I know you know The truth we will never lose There's no me Without no you when you're In the club Get your ass On the floor when you're In the club Get your ass On the floor when you're In the club Get your ass On the floor when-when you're In the club Get your ass On the floor them haters can't Tell you nothing Them haters can't Tell me nothing yo, thats girls Gon get ya Smoke weed listening to sade I left my pain in paris You should have seen it My way I'm on that Lonely highway My car's still On that driveway feels like I'm Dying slowly Feels like what More can I say I made you face Your fears I think we could Have made it thought I told You I love you Maybe we should Have waited how could you Ever doubt me When I stood by You proudly I would have gave My last breath Now you can't Breathe without me oh when you're In the club All you think About is your baby oh when you're In the club All you think About is your baby baby I want you You need me I need you today I want you to need me forever baby I want you You need me I need you To want me when you're In the club Get your ass On the floor when you're In the club Get your ass On the floor when you're In the club Get your ass On the floor when-when you're In the club Get your ass On the floor them haters can't Tell me nothing Them haters can't Tell you nothing them haters can't Tell you nothing "last train to paris," December 14th.
[ cheers and applause .]
oh, that was the most Stressful day of my life.
yeah, it sounds like it, Dude.
First round is on me.
Excuse me, bartender.
whoa.
Bartenders here are the worst.
yeah, this always happens.
It's like who do I have to screw To get a drink around here, you Know? me.
[ laughter .]
I'm sorry.
What? you asked, "who do I have to Screw to get a drink?" And the answer is me.
yeah, but that's just a Figure of speech, right? no, it's not.
[ laughter .]
man, this is going to suck.
[ laughter .]
wait, no, calvin -- you're Not actually considering this, Are you? I really want a drink, man.
what? Will you look at him.
what? He's not all that bad.
I mean, he kind of looks like Gandalf.
[ laughter .]
I can see that, but you Cannot do this.
hey! Tristan, don't take this the Wrong way, but you're acting Like a real square.
Okay, now save my spot because I'm about to go score a drink.
[ laughter .]
well? not worth it.
[ laughter .]
Uh oh.
hey, sport.
Look, I'm sorry it took me so Long in there.
yeah.
it's just that, you know, I Find you so unattractive.
It took me a while to, you know, Get there.
But you got to admit, when I got There, I really got there.
yeah.
Thank you.
hey there, sport.
You thirsty? no, I'm good.
Thank you, though.
you sure? How about just a shot of Something? ah, damn it.
Damn it! It has been a stressful day.
Just a shot? just a shot.
all right, let's go.
Oh, that's nice.
[ laughter .]
so? not a fun time.
No, it was horrible.
hey, sport.
hey, how you doing? I got to apologize.
I took forever in there.
it's all right.
both you guys are just crap Ugly.
yeah, no, thank you.
That's cool.
It's all right.
buddy, it's not really you.
no, the real problem was your Friend back there.
hey guys.
Ready for round two? that guy is insatiable.
I think we are going to need It bump it up a notch.
I'm going to need way more eye Contact.
[ laughter .]
no.
well, he does have very nice Eyes.
it's on me.
[ laughter .]
I remember getting on the Bus and we drive down to big Surand listen to the music of Our time where some of the Latest poetry.
We would change the way it all Marked.
Summon our noses to the powers Of be, and it was beautiful.
Anyhow, welcome to burger king.
May I take your order, please? my thanks to diddy-dirty Money, ben stiller -- Pcpc lorne michaels -- Everybody, the whole cast, thank You guys.