The Simpsons s36e08 Episode Script

1
♪
[CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS]
[ANNOUNCER] C-SPAN 5 now
takes you to testimony
before the Joint Committee
on Terrible Events.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
The Chair recognizes the woman
with the four-foot beehive.
Please state your name and occupation.
Uh, Marjorie Bouvier Simpson.
Mother to three children
and a husband.
She's raising us all on her own.
[HOMER WHIMPERING]
Mrs. Simpson, please walk us through
the events of March 12.
Well, it all started with
what was supposed to be
a happy family trip.
The Simpsons are going
to Pile Ridge, Louisiana.
Oh, the trip is already ruined.
What is this gunk?
Oh, that's my lentil soup.
Lisa!
Well, what else am I supposed to eat
at your family's barbaric pig butchery?
It's boucherie.
It's a cherished Bouvier tradition
that reunites our extended family
and celebrates our Cajun roots.
And they shoot the pig in the head,
John Wick-style. Look.
Stop, it's horrifying.
Mmm. Delicious.
[LAUGHS]
[HOMER SHRIEKS] Horrifying!
Mr. Simpson, as I understand it,
you were enticed by the thought
of enjoying savory meats,
but repulsed by the appearance
of your wife's family.
Yes, Senator, I cannot perjure myself.
They are barf in human form.
I reclaim my time.
Traveling brings out
Homer's worst qualities.
Oh! All the seats are taken
by jerks and their bags.
Maybe we can sit in there.
-
- That looks comfy.
Squirt em' if you got em'.
Oh! [GROWLS]
Your hoops are quivering. Calm down.
Now boarding: Active-duty TV clowns.
- [TIRES SCREECH]
- [HOMER YELPS]
[SNIFFING]
Some sober companion you are.
I'm only three hours out of rehab
and I can smell the booze on you.
You mean my hand sanitizer?
Ooh, Daddy want!
Mrs. Simpson, we're overbooked.
Your seats are no longer together.
This is bull!
I demand to speak to Sully Sullenberger!
Homer, stop it.
You always do this.
You'll get us banned.
So? We'll take our business elsewh
[MUFFLED SHOUTING]
There is no elsewhere.
Because of your past behavior,
you're on the No Fly List
of every other airline in the country.
Even Spirit.
Try it again.
[ENGINE CRANKING]
So, unless you want
all our future vacations
to be at my mother's house,
talking her into hospice,
you will hold it
together on this flight.
I promise, Marge. I won't let you down.
I do have some good news.
We have one free upgrade
for a seat in first class.
Ooh, I bet I'd really
keep my promise to behave
if I'm in that spacious lie-flat pod.
Well, you'll never know.
Yoink.
Uh-uh, sweetie, first class is this way.
Welcome.
Oh, my God.
I'm turning left.
I didn't know planes had a left.
[GASPS]
Ah. Ooh.
[LAUGHS]
♪
[MARGE] Oh
Oh, the seat is so plush and comfy.
May I get you anything?
I want everything.
The whole first class experience.
Cold bubbly, warm nuts, hot towel
all the temperatures!
Let's start you out with a
complimentary Moet mimosa
with extra zest and a little
Oh.
[MOANS HAPPILY]
[SNORING LIGHTLY]
Okay, Homer, you can do this.
Have a pleasant flight for Marge.
[OVERLAPPING SHOUTS]
- Ow, my head!
- Watch it!
Ow!
[HOMER] God, don't let this slob
be next to me.
[COMIC BOOK GUY] God,
don't let this slob
be next to me.
[BOTH GROAN]
Good morning, everyone.
My name is Joel,
and I'll be your "wingman" today.
[PASSENGERS CHUCKLING]
[CHUCKLES] Thank you.
Just a reminder: Federal law
prohibits smoking of any kind,
unless, like me, you're smokin' hot.
[IMITATES SIZZLING]
[CHUCKLING]
Oh, great.
Forced comedy at 9:00 in the morning.
[VIDEO GAME BEEPING]
Now, Maggie,
screens turn brains to mush.
That's why Bart has to take ESL classes.
I'll parent you how I
wanted to be parented,
and sibling you how I
wanted to be sibbled,
with my Jazz Legends A-to-Z flashcards.
Cannonball Adderley.
He was more hard bop then bebop.
Okay, movie fans, it's time for
everybody's favorite in-flight flick,
the safety demo.
Remember this come Oscar time.
[CHUCKLES]
[PASSENGERS CHUCKLING WEAKLY]
[GROANS] Good thing I've got
my annoyance-canceling headphones.
Ooh, we are really packed
in here, aren't we?
Something is very wrong with this plane.
- This is a trap!
- [PASSENGERS CHATTERING]
It's a conspiracy to take us down!
- [WOMAN] Get out of here!
- Oh. Oh!
They're experimenting on us!
I won't be a rat in your flying cage!
Ah, a seat for my second cheek.
Yo, travel trolls.
A crazy lady just got
kicked off the plane
so I jump-squatted a sweet aisle seat.
Give my 40,000 followers
a moan, bald dude.
D'oh.
[AUTO-TUNED VOICE] D'oh, d'oh ♪
D-d-d-d-d-d'oh ♪
D-d-d-d-d-d'oh. ♪
[HOMER] Toenail clipper?
Sardine eater?
Disgusto-flossers?
- Hiya!
- [GRUNTS]
Karate children?
Marge, I'm trying to hold it together,
just like I promised.
[BUZZES]
[SIGHS]
But it seems like this
plane is filled with
all the worst flyers in the world.
Well, his text was correct, senator.
Our airline serves the
fastest-growing demographic
in air travel: the criminally obnoxious.
At Convenience Airways,
we fly the No Fly List.
♪
Mr. Wingspan
if that is your funny name
you mean to tell us
that you filled an entire
plane with obnoxious people
who were banned from other airlines?
Yes. Our business model
is to cater to C.I.F.s:
"Civility Impaired Fliers."
- Hiya!
- Control your team!
Violence is a form of control.
[KARATE CHILDREN] Yes, Sensei. Hiya!
This was our inaugural flight,
testing if the innovative
precautions we had taken
were enough to safely transport
the rudest of the rude.
- Like this man.
-
[HOMER] Aw, come on.
You choke out one guy
with a seat belt extender
and you're labeled for life.
But on this flight,
I promised Marge I would behave,
and I really tried.
It was torture.
[HOMER] Torture!
[SCREAMS]
Who would do such a
thing to Patrick Wilson?
Eyes on your own screen.
Ugh.
And, no, you may not have any of
my triad of expired Christmas delights.
Mmm, cheese.
Mmm, butter, caramel
Mmm. [GRUNTING]
And now, the shower of champions.
Huzzah.
[SHUDDERS]
[COUGHING] Come on.
Uh, excuse me.
I promised my wife I
wouldn't fight or yell
or pee anywhere other than the bathroom,
but this guy next to me
is making it really hard.
What guy?
The Comic Book Guy guy.
Huh? He just disappeared.
Well, it looks like the
problem took care of itself.
That is so weird.
Hey, guys, you asked for it,
I'm doing it.
The bathroom sink
shrimp scampi challenge.
Oh.
Marge, I'm barely
holding it together back here.
Please text me back some
sweet words of comfort.
[BUZZES]
[BOTH SNORING]
Hey, hey
- Huzzah
- Hey, hey
Zounds
Oh
needs tonic.
[SLURPING]
[VIDEO GAME NOISES]
[LAUGHS]
Die, die, die!
No, don't die!
They're all dead.
Oh, I need to play something.
- [GRUNTING]
- [BEEPING]
I'm winning. I'm winning.
Just a reminder, folks,
the call button is only
for real emergencies,
like if you're down to
your last guess on Wordle.
[PASSENGERS CHUCKLING]
Uh, I have a real emergency.
Your jokes suck.
[PASSENGERS LAUGHING]
"S" is for Sun Ra.
He's a little abstract,
but when you get it,
you'll really get it.
Dig this.
[EXPERIMENTAL JAZZ PLAYS]
[CRYING]
Somebody shut that brat up!
Oh, that's my brat.
Stop judging her!
I don't know what to do.
I've been turning the
jazz up as loud as I can,
but it's not soothing her.
Is this an airline or a nursery?
Mustn't punch the jerk.
Mustn't punch the jerk.
It's so loud, I can barely hear myself
feel up my mistress under this blanket.
Okay, gang, we're about to start
our beverage and snack service.
If you feel like a pretzel,
that means the guy in front of you
has his seat all the way back.
[PASSENGERS CHUCKLING]
Just because it sounds like a joke
doesn't mean it is one.
[PASSENGERS LAUGHING]
Come back in ten years, kid.
I got voicemails older than you. Ha!
[PASSENGERS CHUCKLE]
And now it's time
for your headliner. Me!
This guy's jokes suck so hard,
we're about to lose cabin pressure.
[PASSENGERS LAUGHING]
Okay, okay. People, don't encourage him!
is what Joel's guidance
counselor told his parents.
[LAUGHTER]
Give me that.
[BART MIMICKING] This is your
unfunny flight attendant Joel speaking.
Here are some more of my terrible jokes.
- [BLOWS RASPBERRY]
- [MIMICS FARTING]
[MOTORBOATS]
- [FART SOUNDS CONTINUE]
- [PASSENGERS LAUGHING]
Left forward lavatory.
- [HOLLOW CRASH]
- [BART] Ay, caramba!
- [CRYING]
- Okay, so Daddy doesn't get into a fistfight,
we're going to take a little walk.
[CRYING]
Dad, I figured out
what's gonna calm Maggie.
Improvisations in the style
of pre-heroin Coltrane.
[PLAYING]
[WAILING]
[WAILS]
Mama!
No, no, we can't bother Mommy
[SINGSONGY] or she'll
leave us all for good.
[MAGGIE GRUNTS]
Hey, champ, I lost $50,000
on your pay-per-view
fight against Vanilla Ice.
You owe me!
Come on, champ,
I'm talking to you, champ.
Oh, no, my Chekhov's gin.
[SLURPING LOUDLY]
[GROANS] Nobody licks me but my tiger.
[CRYING]
That baby's a lap-sitting freeloader.
I am sorry you have to
put up with that guy.
We're all just doing our best.
Yeah. Parents don't get to
go into airplane mode, do we?
Thank God. Two sensible people.
[ALARM BEEPS]
Wylder, it's time.
- [TOILET] Let's all sing ♪
- Yeesh.
The potty song ♪
Oh, no No, no, no.
Our little guy is on a strict
potty training schedule.
[PLAYFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
When it's time to make a poo-poo ♪
Give a shout, whoo-hoo. ♪
Whoo-hoo!
No hoo!
Um, do you guys have any diapers?
Uh, we don't use the "D" word.
Oh, boy.
- Deal with your biohazard!
- Change that baby!
- What's wrong with you?
- Oh, come on!
That's not a baby, that's a hate crime.
Lisa, where's the diaper bag?
I don't have it.
Why don't you ask
your girlfriend, Maggie?
Maggie's not my girlfriend, Marge is.
[GASPS] That's it.
Marge has it.
- [GRUNTING]
- [GROANING]
[HOMER] There's the bag.
Maggie, crawl through the clown fight.
[GRUNTING CONTINUES]
Don't kill him, champ.
My pension is almost vested.
[KRUSTY GROANS]
[GRUNTING]
♪
Okay, Maggie, to the bathroom.
♪
We made it.
[SHRIEKS] Toilet Chef.
[GRUNTING]
[SHRIEKS] In-laws!
Care to join our Mile-High Book Club?
[SHRIEKS] Readers!
SunChips. Give me, give me.
[INDISTINCT SHOUTING]
[OVERLAPPING ARGUMENTS]
[BOTH EXHALE LOUDLY]
What the?
Where is everybody?
Please calmly return to your seat, sir.
What did you do with all
the horrible people I hate?
Tell me what's going on.
Or I'll seatbelt you good.
And why don't they make the
whole plane out of the
- black box material?
- [THUDS]
[PILOT] This is your captain speaking.
If you look to your left, you will see
the magnificent Grand Canyon.
Unless you're one of the
246 unruly souls who've been
trap-doored into our
complimentary in-flight prison.
[MOANS SADLY]
[SAXOPHONE PLAYING]
Trapdoors that lead to a prison?
Since when?
What monster could conceive
of something this horrible?
BurnsCo.
Proudly installing trapdoor
dungeon drops since 1926.
Is there anything more satisfying
than a scream of terror
followed by a distant thud?
Mr. Wingspan, this is America.
When we violate people's
civil liberties,
we usually give them a heads-up,
drop pamphlets,
send a cruise missile, uh, something.
Senator, I assure you,
we did warn the passengers
of the potential consequences
of their actions.
It's all in the safety video.
But nobody watches those things.
[MURMURED AGREEMENTS]
[ALERT CHIMES]
[ANNOUNCER] Should you
choose to be unruly,
you'll be trap-doored into
our belly-of-the-plane prison.
If your behavior is too extreme,
a ball gag will fall from the ceiling.
Please affix your own ball gag first
before ball-gagging your child.
See? I was right.
I tried to warn you,
but you all thought I was crazy.
Not to criticize,
but maybe it's your tone?
My tone is fine!
[GAGGING]
And that concludes
your beverage service.
[PASSENGERS CHUCKLING]
[MUFFLED] He's pretty funny.
No, he's not, he sucks.
[JOEL] Take that!
- [LAUGHS, WHOOPS]
- [COUGHS]
They can't do this to us!
Buying a ticket gives us the
right to do what we want.
There's no law in the sky.
I say we bust out.
Who's with me?
[EXCITED AGREEMENTS]
We'll need every available weapon.
I got toenail clippers.
And some pretty sharp toenails.
I got an airsick bag
of hot bathroom shrimp.
[HOMER] My darling Marge.
I am writing you from the cusp
of yet another prison riot.
If I die in this heroic escape attempt,
remember me as a blameless victim.
One who got caught up in the
coach-to-prison pipeline.
BTW, lost Maggie, hope she's with you.
- Lots going on. Shrug emoji.
- [CHICKEN CLUCKS]
[SNORING LIGHTLY]
[COOING]
[BABBLING]
Marge is writing me back.
Stop? Stop what?
Wine, wine, wine?
Do you want me to stop whining?
[GIGGLES]
[HOMER] Bee. Man.
Be a man?
X. Lobster.
Don't be shellfish?
Oh, my God,
I am always thinking of my shelf.
[ALL CHANTING] Window seat.
Window seat. Window seat.
No! This revolt is wrong.
I know this because my
wife just spoke to me
in a series of direct
and unambiguous emojis.
Let us not be pigs. Or mules.
Or a mermaid with a fax machine.
Sure, we have to put up
with baggage fees,
no leg room,
and those $20 "protein boxes."
But flying is a modern miracle,
and all that's asked of us in return
is basic human decency.
[QUIET MURMURING]
Mm, I could be more patient
with kids and babies.
After all, I am a preschool teacher.
I'm sorry I savagely beat your
husband with your hair bone.
[STAMMERS] He's not my
Oh, forget it.
So to quote my wife,
we have to start acting civilized
and stop being a bunch of huge
eggplants.
[PILOT] Well, folks,
now that you've exhibited
a modicum of civility,
the handcuff sign has been turned off.
You are now free to return to your seats
and work through the childhood trauma
that led you to behave like the ugliest
of ugly Americans today.
♪
Excuse me, Mrs. Simpson.
We'll be landing soon, so we need you
to return your seat to
its upright position.
[GROANS SOFTLY] What? We're landing?
I slept through my first first class?
Yes, but you got the most
perfect flying experience
anyone could ever ask for.
You didn't even know
you were on a plane.
Aw.
And then she gave me the best
cookie of my entire life.
Aw, cookie.
After listening to the 14
hours of testimony today,
I propose that Convenience Airways'
radical passenger control
system be approved for use
across the entire airline industry.
- Hear! Hear!
- Yes.
I agree.
Well, I say, trap-door them all
and let the FAA sort it out.
Excellent.
- So ordered.
- Wait.
As the one person who was not
trap-doored on this flight,
I believe I have the authority to say
that mass in-flight
incarceration is not the answer.
We need thoughtful solutions
to this epidemic of
rudeness and disrespect.
Sure, it's easy to push a button
and drop all your
problems down a trap
door!
- [THUDS]
- Ow!
Honey, are you hurt?
[MARGE ECHOING] I'm okay.
I landed on my hair.
[ANNOUNCER] In our Convenience
Airways in-flight prison,
cigarettes are not accepted as currency.
Preferred method of
payment is sexual favors.
Please do not fashion
the courtesy toothbrush into a shiv.
Complimentary shivs are
provided upon request.
In the unlikely event
of a water landing,
your cellmate may be used
as a floatation device.
Should you tamper with your handcuffs,
you will be ejected from the plane.
Parachutes are available
for purchase on our website.
We know you have no choice
in airplane prisons,
but we appreciate you
being locked up with us.
And don't forget to sign up
for our Frequent Felon Program.
Shh!