Saturday Night Live (1975) s36e09 Episode Script
Paul Rudd Paul McCartney
the following is an address From the president of the united States.
good evening.
In the next few days, the u.
S.
House of representatives and the Senate will be voting on a vital Piece of legislation.
It is a tax package worked out By this white house and Republican congressional Leaders.
And it is absolutely essential That it pass.
Both to extend unemployment Benefits to those out of work And to prevent a massive tax Increase on the american middle Class.
At a time when the economy can Least afford it.
Now, I know that many of you are Unhappy with parts of this Proposal.
Especially that includes tax Cuts for those making over $250,000 a year.
But the simple fact is, this White house had no choice.
Republican leaders insisted on Tax cuts for the wealthy, and as As I said in my press conference Monday, they had decided to hold Us hostage.
Literally.
They held us hostage in all for About three days.
Bound, bagged, blindfolded in a Dark room somewhere outside Washington.
It was a terrifying experience.
Hard to put into words.
I don't think I'll ever get over It, really.
And here's something else.
The stockholm syndrome where Hostages come to identify and Agree with their captors, that's A real phenomenon.
It really is.
I learned that for myself when On the fourth day I suddenly Decided that I kind of agreed With the republican philosophy Of trickle-down economics.
That's why, to me, the tax cuts For the wealthy aren't a big Problem.
They're the best part of the Bill.
You watch.
I predict the rich will use that Extra money to go out and create Jobs.
Millions and millions of jobs.
It's like rush said on his show The other day.
I never got hired by a poor Person.
So if house speaker nancy pelosi Or as I now like to call her, San francisco nancy, would just Stop her obstructionist tactics And let this bill come to a Vote, we can get our economy Moving again.
Now, san francisco nancy and her Democrat pals need to understand That six weeks ago the american People went to the polls and Overwhelmingly rejected their San francisco values and their Class warfare politics.
One more thing.
I would be remiss were I to Appear before you tonight and Not express my extreme Disappointment, perhaps outrage Is a better word, at the unjust Treatment accorded bristol palin Recently on "dancing with the Stars.
" The judges' decision was a Travesty.
And I join the first lady as Well as her fellow mama Grizzlies in condemning it.
Well, that's all for tonight.
I will see you next week in Tampa, florida, when I join Glenn beck and bill o'reilly as Part of our bold fresh tour.
Now, in closing, let me reassure You that however long it takes, This nation's current troubles Will pass.
Because you americans never have And never will give up.
I say you americans because even Though I always thought I was Born here -- uh, lately I've Begun to have my doubts.
Thank you and live from new York, it's Saturday night! [ cheers and applause .]
announcer: It's "Saturday Night live"! With -- Fred armisen Abby elliott Bill hader Seth meyers Bobby moynihan Andy samberg Jason sudeikis Kenan thompson Kr Kristen wiig Featuring vanessa bayer Paul brittain Taran killam Nasim pedrad Jay pharoah Musical guest paul mccartney.
And your host, paul rudd! Ladies and gentlemen, paul rudd! Captions paid for by nbc-universal television -- Captions by vitac -- [ cheers and applause .]
thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you so much.
It is so great to be hosting "Saturday night live" for the Second time.
The first time I was nervous.
But I must have done something Right, because this time when I Walked into the studio, there Were all these people lined up Freezing cold chanting "paul! Paul! Paul!" [ laughter .]
All for me! Paul rudd! And those fans, they're intense.
One lady was out there, she was Crying just because she was like In my presence.
[ laughter .]
Can you imagine? Then someone yelled out, "yesterday.
" Which, I guess, is a reference To the npr interview I gave Yesterday.
[ laughter .]
I didn't think anybody was Listening to that.
To be honest, some of those Fans know a little too much About me.
Like one guy screamed "her Majesty," which is my nickname On movie sets among the crew.
[ laughter .]
I don't know how they found that Out.
Internet, I guess.
Most of all, they were just Screaming my name, "paul, paul, Paul!" It was incredible.
[ cheers and applause .]
How are you? [ cheers and applause .]
thank you.
really, I mean, to be here With you -- oh.
Oh.
They were cheering -- yeah, they Were cheering for you.
well, I was cheering for you.
I loved "role models.
" oh, that's so nice.
Wow.
Thank you so much.
No disrespect.
I'm just glad we cleared up this Whole paul bit.
yo, yo, yo, feature player Paul brittain is in the mother Freaking house! [ cheers and applause .]
Yeah.
oh.
Sorry.
he seemed nice.
he's new.
Anyway, we've got a great show.
all sorts of pauls are here.
[ cheers and applause .]
stick around, we'll be right Back! [ cheers and applause .]
even your cat.
That's why we at pet chalet Asked a panel of premier European chefs to create the Ultimate menu.
Introducing feline culinary Creations.
Handcrafted gourmet meals you Can proudly bring to your cat's Table.
Recipes like filet with shiitake Demi glace.
Salmon carpaccio with lobster Medallions.
A trio of braised lamb, venison Ravioli and broccoli rabe.
Sweet and sour crab with minor Lemon.
So show your cat what fine Dining is all about.
Feline culinary creations.
For the love of your cat.
[ applause .]
I'm kind of nervous to meet The whole family.
don't worry.
Holidays with my family are Great.
who is that out there? just a couple of christmas Elves.
oh, austin.
Oh, you're here.
I can't believe it.
Look at my man.
He's all grown up.
I don't have my glasses on.
Is that george clooney? dad.
what a great guy.
I'm so proud of you.
mom, I'd like you to meet my Girlfriend, amanda.
amanda, we're so glad you Could spend the holidays with Us.
welcome.
I remember when I first brought My first girlfriend home for Christmas.
She was mighty nervous.
how did it go? I married her.
oh, that's me.
numb nuts roasting on an open Fire.
hey, duane.
This is amanda.
you're a step up.
His last steady girl was a Blow-up doll.
easy, bro.
just kidding.
Feliz navidad.
Mmm.
[ laughter .]
wow.
a very pricey wreath there, Duane.
I earned some extra dough Breaking down boxes.
a hard worker.
I learned from you.
[ laughter .]
hey, mom, do you have any More gum? oh, no, but here, honey, take My piece.
[ laughter .]
[ audience ohs .]
[ laughter .]
thanks.
Babe, you want some gum? I don't like gum.
hey, everybody.
who's that? not a family christmas Without our relatives from Romania.
uncle, get over here.
How you doing? [ kissing noises .]
and now we kiss like romanian Vogelcheck.
come here, I missed you.
uncle vlad and my aunt Traveled all the way from a tiny Village thousands of miles just To be with us.
oh, my gosh.
[ doorbell rings .]
I'll get it.
welcome, stranger.
hello.
I'm sorry to bother you, but my Sleigh -- my car broke down.
May I use your telephone? of course.
During the holidays, our home is Open to all.
thank you.
I know what! Let's do the traditional Vogelcheck christmas dance! yeah! what's the dance? oh, you'll be able to follow Along.
a one and a two [ kissing sounds .]
okay.
Okay.
Um, you know what, austin? I think my family might be Missing me.
Maybe I should go.
but, babe, duane's friends Are coming over.
oh, hold on, hold on.
Stop right there.
I know what's going on.
You saw all this kissing, and You got uncomfortable.
I'll tell you a little story.
Vlad and elena here have been Married for 60 years.
They have survived communism, a World war and the justified Stoning of their daughter, Lishka.
[ light laughter .]
But every day before vlad goes Out into the field, he and elena Hug and kiss.
It means I love you.
And we do.
We're vogelchecks.
and I think I'm going to Spend the holidays right here With the vogelczehecks.
everyone's welcome.
Even that guy using the phone.
Where is he? he's gone! Look, there's more presents Under the tree.
ho, ho, ho, merry christmas! you mean that was -- Santa! [ laughter .]
[ audience ohs .]
merry christmas to all.
[ applause .]
ho, ho, ho, happy holidays From the vogelchecks! and now it's time to play -- all: What's that name? and here's your host, Vince white! [ applause .]
hello.
Hello, hello, hello.
And welcome to "what's that Name?" The rules are simple.
We show you a person, you tell Us their name.
Our contestants today are jake A cfo at smith and price.
And carolyn, a senior partner at Chapman real estate.
The first question goes to jake.
He's subway's number one Spokesman.
What's that name? jared fogle.
[ ding .]
20 bucks for you.
[ light laughter .]
Carolyn, you're up.
He's the second lead in the film "saving silverman.
" What's that name? oh, I know this.
Steve zahn.
[ ding .]
$20 for you.
Now it's time to up the ante.
Jake, this next one is for $10,000.
[ laughter .]
And here to read the clue is the Man himself.
I've been your doorman for Four years.
[ laughter .]
I open the door for you every Day.
I've always got a joke and a Smile.
What's my name? hey, man.
[ laughter .]
How's it hanging? low and lazy.
What's my name? I know your whole family.
Your son ozzie loves outer Space.
What's my name? [ laughter .]
carl? [ buzzer .]
audience, what's that name? all: Norman! norman the doorman.
oh, I'm so sorry.
Say hi to the wife for me.
I'm sorry, what's that? Say hi to my wife? yeah, okay, I'll take the bus Out to forest hills cemetery and Tell her that you say hello.
my god, what the hell kind of Show is this? it's "what's that name?" [ laughter .]
Carolyn, you're up.
And we've got another walk-on Clue.
for ten years I clean your Office every day.
What's my name? oh, it's you.
Do you have any fun plans for The holidays? yes.
Cleaning your office! What's my name? [ laughter .]
you don't seem to know her Name.
I think it's something like Eeyore? that is cartoon donkey.
[ laughter .]
eedore.
[ buzzer .]
what's that name? all: Mary! [ laughter .]
but steve zahn you know.
I just wish those people wore Name tags.
"those people"? I just want to say, I think What you're doing here is pretty Lousy.
well, I think you're lousy.
[ laughter .]
do you know your cameraman's Name? middle one's charlie.
what about the other two? I'm not a contestant.
[ laughter .]
what are their names? if I told you, if I were a Contestant, but I'm not.
You are.
And here's your next clue.
who the hell are they? eight of your summer interns.
They worked for you for free for Four months.
If you can tell me any of their Names, I'll give you $1 million.
[ laughter .]
I, uh -- oh, geez.
I don't -- I don't know.
I'm just going to say a name.
Josh.
[ ding .]
there are three joshes.
[ laughter .]
That means you win $3 million.
oh, wow! plus you've got the Opportunity to go double or Nothing in our bonus round.
What do you say? well, I guess I'm on a hot Streak.
Let's go Double or nothing.
fantastic.
Here to read the bonus clue is The man himself.
[ laughter .]
what's my name? oh, god, no.
I wasn't paying attention Before.
[ laughter .]
Josh? [ buzzer .]
what's that name? all: Norman! norman the doorman.
Rhymes, even.
yeah.
Right.
So easy.
well, jake, that puts you Back to zero.
That's our show.
But stay tuned for a new game Show called "what's in your Internet history?" Yikes! [ laughter .]
[ cheers and applause .]
stumble out of bed And I stumbled in the kitchen Stumbled in the bathroom Stumbled in the living room stumbled out the door And past my car stumbling stumbled into work And I stumbled through The office stumbled in the gym And I stumbled Through my workout stumbled down the street And to a bar Stumbling stumble through the bar Past mario batali Stumble through a swirl Record sing song stumbled right in step With my good old friends It seems this stumble's Never gonna end stumble past a guy Putting on his first lipstick Stumble past a girl with a Fist full of bisquick stumble past three gents [ laughter .]
Stumble past the elevator Stumble past the elevator stumble past the elevator Stumble past the elevator Stumble down a nasty Flight of stairs walking in slow motion Walking in slow motion Walking in slow motion Walking in slow motion tiny harmonica solo.
stumble Through a -- With a hobo acting regal past a bunch of mimes And a painter with an easel And a one man band playing checkers With a teacher That concludes our Stumbling adventure here stumbling [ cheers and applause .]
hello, I'm diane foster, Vice president of customer Relations at mastercard.
This week, supporters of the Wikileaks organization attacked Our website.
Assure our customers That we are doing -- hello again.
It's me, julian assange.
I've taken over your airwaves From inside a british prison.
How did I get a camera into a British prison? Maybe you weren't listening.
I'm julian assange.
This Monday I was arrested, Proving that for those who Terrorize the United States, There is nowhere to hide.
America will find you and they Will punish you.
Unless, of course, your name is Osama bin laden.
I was not arrested for terrorism But rather to be questioned on Two rape charges.
It's long been interpol's job to Hunt down those accused of Sexual misdeeds.
Who can forget ben Roethlisberger, double standard, Anyone? Yeah.
Now on to business.
If I'm not released immediately, Supporters of the wikileaks are Prepared to attack the following Websites.
Amazon.
If I am falsely imprisoned one More day, anyone purchasing mark Twa Twain's new autobiography, must Instead send the book "everyone Poops.
" Awkward.
Orbitz.
Two more days, any holiday Flight will have a connection at The cleveland international Airport.
Also, all special requests will Be locked at middle seat kosher Meal.
[ laughter .]
Day three.
Facebook.
You know that one profile Picture that makes you look Thin? It's gone.
On the fourth day, we will move On to the facebook game Farmville and leave it alone.
The people you barely remember From high school will continue To bother you with requests to Water their stupid crops.
Hooray.
Day five.
Netflix.
Have you seen the fourth season Of "hanging with mr.
Cooper"? You're about to.
[ laughter .]
First on your queue.
Angry birds.
If I'm held for six days, the Birds in angry birds will no Longer be angry.
What are you playing? Good-natured birds.
How is it? It stinks.
And if I'm incarcerated for one Whole week, we start messing With porn sites, the free ones.
Ooh, got your attention now, do I? There you have it.
Hope to see you on the outside.
In conclusion, I want to remind You that no matter how I die, Even if there's a suicide note, It was murder.
It was murder.
Cheers.
you're watching "sexually speaking.
" With dr.
Linda marie choice.
Dr.
Linda has been married seven Times and specializes in sexual And reproductive health.
And now, with her personal Approach to sexual issues, Please welcome dr.
Linda marie Choice.
dr.
Linda's sick.
I'm her producer, roger brush.
Dr.
Linda's daughter called and Said she's got a stomach thing.
I don't want to get too graphic, But she's got clear water coming Out of her butt.
[ laughter .]
I said please don't come in.
I'll just take it from here.
Let's go to the audience.
this is pamela shimpley.
She has a question about her and Her husband's love-making.
hi, I have an issue with my Husband.
I love him so much, but he's, Well, small.
you know, I can't hear you, Honey.
Be loud.
he has a small penis.
say it again.
he has a small penis.
small v-necks? [ laughter .]
Can anybody hear? You know, you've got to eat that Microphone.
his penis, it's thin like a Chicken bone.
oh.
I see what you're saying.
How about this.
You know, when he does it, just Say, "ooh, ooh, baby, that's the Best I ever had.
" no, that's not the problem.
you know, I don't know what To tell you, sweetheart.
I'm up here sweating, Trying to help you out, and You're bad-mouthing your husband Behind his back.
no, I'm not.
He's right there.
[ laughter .]
you're the one with the Skinny ding-a-ling? I don't know what to tell you.
You know, Soak it in saltwater and see if It pumps up.
I'm not the expert.
All right, who's next? this is tyler bands.
He has a really interesting Question.
my partner and I have been Together for four years.
How do we keep our sex life Exciting? have you tried tickling her? it's a he.
it's a what? it's a he.
what? You know, I can't hear you.
It sounds like you said "it's a He.
" I did.
Your girlfriend is a he? I have a boyfriend.
well, how did that happen? what should we do? I don't know.
You know, just look at your Boyfriend and say, you and I Both know this is weird.
And, you know, close your eyes And do it and get it over with And hope for the best.
what? Where's dr.
Linda? She really helps people.
She tells them to touch each Other's faces and be honest with One another.
Stuff like that.
dr.
Linda is sick today.
you want dr.
Linda up here Peeing out of her ass? I don't.
Let's get to the next person.
Who do we got? this is jenna lynn austin.
She has a great question and she Needs your help.
yeah, my boyfriend seems more Concerned with his own needs in Bed than mine.
and? [ laughter .]
What are you looking at? I said "and?" I don't see the problem.
Who's next? this is stacy England.
hi.
I want to have sex with my Boyfriend, but he wants to wait.
why does he want to wait? Lose some weight or something? Make him a meal and say I'm Sorry about my thighs, but this Is as good as it gets.
what? I'm not overweight.
Dr.
Linda would never say that.
I know.
I know.
why are you taking her side? I'm trying to help you out and You're being a real diva.
Listen, I've got problems of my Own.
My sister just asked me if she Could borrow $15,000.
I don't know that I have it.
I mean, I have it, but I want It.
Okay.
So who's next? no one wants to go.
all right.
Good.
When we come back, nurse keller Shows us how to find the "g" Spot.
Oh, great.
[ cheers and applause .]
ladies and gentlemen, paul Mccartney.
[ cheers and applause .]
jet Jet Jet I can almost remember their funny faces That time you told them That you were going to Be marrying soon and jet, I thought the Only lonely face Was on the moon jet jet Jet Was your father as old As the sergeant major well how come he told You that you're hardly Old enough yet And jet, I thought the major was A lady suffragette jet Jet ah mater, want jet To always love me Ah mater, want jet To always love me ah mater Much later jet and jet, I thought the Major was a Lady suffragette Jet jet Ah mater, want jet To always love me Ah mater, want jet to always love me Ah mater Much later jet With the wind in your hair Of a thousand laces Climb on the back and we'll go for a ride In the sky And jet, I thought that The major was a lady suffragette Jet Jet And jet, you know I thought you was a Lady suffragette Jet And a lady oh, yeah Yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah [ cheers and applause .]
"weekend update" with Seth meyers.
good evening, I'm seth meyers And here are tonight's top Stories.
Many democrats were upset this Week with president obama, Saying that he failed to Negotiate with the republicans On extending the bush-era tax Cuts.
And that he Caved in on raising taxes on the Rich.
Man, if other democrats think You caved, you really caved.
That's like the chess club President calling you a nerd.
when democrats this week Rejected obama's compromise Plan, the white house took a Page from the music industry, if You're not selling like you used To, break out the greatest hits.
wikileaks' founder julian Assange was arrested on Monday, And now all americans can sleep Easy knowing they have nothing More to fear from the bad man Who wanted them to read.
in an interview this week With barbara walters, oprah Winfrey denies she is a lesbian Saying, I'm not even kind of a Lesbian.
Said walters, "I haven't even Asked you a question yet.
" new jersey's first bear hunt In five years started Monday.
So be on your guard, mob wives.
it was reported that a Number of professional athletes Are now seeking to copyright Their personal slogans including The new york jets' durrell Revis' revis island, strahan's Stomp you out, I love me some, And brett favre's say hello to My little friend.
a man in kentucky has been Sentenced to 33 months in prison For threatening president obama In a poem called "the sniper.
" And I would guess that poetry is The absolute worst answer you Can give to the question, "what Are you in for?" a car carrying prince Charles and his wife, camilla, Was attacked Thursday in london By angry student protesters who Were upset over a hike in University tuition fees.
Anarles and Camilla were saying, it's time For a "weekend update audio Caption.
" And here to help me perform it, Paul mccartney.
Welcome to "weekend update," Paul.
Are you ready? I am.
okay, so I will be the voice Of prince charles.
You will be camilla.
great.
okay.
And can you do an english Accent? I can try.
okay.
and action! oh, no! oh, goodness me! oh, ne'er do wells! ruffians! oh, camilla! oh, charles, do something! oh! No matter what happens, I love You camilla! and I love you! oh, I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! and scene.
[ cheers and applause .]
So how do you think that went? probably the best thing I've Ever worked on.
paul mccartney, everyone! it was announced that after 70 years, the syndicated Newspaper comic strip "brenda Star" will end.
Now they'll have room for the Edgy new strip "ziggy nights.
" a new report suggests that Men who grew up in the country Have larger penises than men who Grow up in the city.
I don't know if that's true, but I reckon it could be.
a&e this week canceled david Hasselhoff's new series after Just two episodes.
It's hard to say how he'll take The news, but I'm going to Guess, lying down? it's christmastime in new York, which means millions will Be heading to the city to Celebrate.
Here with tips on what new york Can offer is our correspondent, Stefan.
stefan, how have you been? the same.
lots of people are heading Here for a great new york Christmas.
Do you have any tips on what They can see and do? yes.
If you're here from ohio or Whatever, look no further.
New york's hottest club is Ounce.
Located in the middle of the East river.
This place has everything.
Cholos, puke people, a sheepdog That looks like bruce valanche.
An entire room of puppets doing Karate.
I'm sorry, why are puppets Doing karate? because it's that thing when Someone calls miss piggy fat and She goes, hi-yah! stefan, when I said, you Know, fun things for the Holidays, I meant things that Were a little more normal.
mm-hmm.
can you think of anything That might be a little more sort Of like classic new york Holiday? yes, yes, yes.
If you want your christmas in New york to be classic, look no Further.
New york's hottest club is Oonce.
This lower, lower east side is The creation of club owner Tranderson cooper.
And it finally answers the Question, "do I have to?" Lll this place has everything.
Schizos, kite enthusiasts, And that's not all.
Look who just came in.
It's blingo.
sorry, blingo? black ringo.
oh.
I don't know how to say this, But I was brought up to respect People from all walks of life.
And I am glad that you have a World you feel comfortable in.
dungeon culture, yes.
but look, buddy.
You know, I'm kind of an Old-fashioned guy, born and Raised in new hampshire.
seth meyers.
I just wanted to help folks, You know.
I wand th I want them to find some got, Old-fashioned Christmas cheer.
Now, can you help us with that? yes.
okay, good.
if you're old or into Fashion, I've got a place for You.
New york's hottest holiday club Is blitzen.
And right now they're having Their 12 days of christmas dance Party.
oh, 12 days of christmas.
That sounds nice.
because it has everything.
12 jacked albinos, 10 pierce-eared babies 9 asian balkis 8 gay aladdins 7 psychos swearting 6 puerto rican screeches of course.
We all knew that.
5 homeless elmos 4 coke coked-up frogs 3 french hens Taylor negron And a human parking cone soliai it on me, my man.
What's your question? the question was what's a Human parking cone? yes, it's that thing of when When two jacked midgets paint Themselves orange and you have To parallel park between them.
[ laughter and applause .]
oh, that thing.
It's that thing.
That's the thing it is.
Stefan, don't you ever just want To have a normal christmas? well, I would but no one ever Invited stefon to normal Christmas! aw.
well, stefon, would you Like to come to new hampshire With me? he asked me! stefon, everybody.
im on top! for "weekend update," I'm Seth meyers.
a new york city marketing Group is trying to rebrand the Area of manhattan below canal Street as can-do which would be An improvement from its current Nickname, fish stink murder Town.
a woman in England called Police this week to report that Her snowman had been stolen from Her front yard.
Oh, sure, the police are happy To get involved when a white Person goes missing.
a 2-year-old girl in Pennsylvania had to be rescued By firefighters after she Crawled inside a toy crane Vending machine in a mall and Became stuck.
They were able to get her out Safely, but it took, like, $9 in Quarters.
for "weekend update," I'm Seth meyers.
Good night! thank you.
And welcome, everyone, to our First booker t.
High school end Of the year holiday jam.
I think as rudolph says, this is Going to be off the hook.
So, uh, that's -- I'm Mr.
Griggs, the math teacher and Holiday jam coordinator.
We've got lots of fun activities For you here in the gym like pop A shot, dodge ball and a holiday Dance party in our library Annex.
I don't think many of you Celebrate hanukkah, but if you Do, we've got the rapping rabbi Dr.
Dreidel stopping by.
And if you celebrate kwanzaa, I've read several books on that.
And I still don't know what it Is.
Oh, it looks like we have a Quick message from our Principal, daniel frey.
[ heavy breathing .]
attention, teachers and Students.
We have a problem In our cafeteria.
You know, running around in the Lunchroom.
Apparently made a big mess From b hall to d hall.
Please, pick up your babies.
This is a high school, not a day Care center.
Thank you teachers and students For your time For that very important Announcement.
[ laughter and applause .]
okay.
I just want to remind everyone That we still have a few holiday Cookies left.
Unfortunately, someone set the Cafeteria holiday display on Fire, and we had to put it out With a ho, ho, hose.
That's a little joke.
But seriously, our cafeteria was On fire.
Oh, here's principal frey.
[ heavy breathing .]
attention, teachers and Students.
I have another important Announcement to make.
It has come to my attention That the costumes that were Rented for last night's holiday Show are infected with scabies.
If you are an elf and you are Itchy, please report to the Nurse.
Several elves have been taken To the hospital.
Let us have a moment of silence For the flesh of the infected.
[ light laughter .]
okay.
A moment of silence, everyone.
[ heavy breathing .]
lord jesus.
[ heavy breathing .]
I don't know, baby.
I don't know.
Thank you very much for holding For that important announcement.
Continue playing.
okay.
We've had some setbacks here, But I know we can do this.
And I'm here to just give you a Boost of self-esteem.
Or in this case, elf-esteem.
Oh, here's our gym teacher Mr.
King.
hey.
Hey! Shut up! Shut the hell up! This white man has been working For months to put this thing Together.
And this is what you do? don't worry.
no, no! This white man put this silly Little carnival together for You.
You should give him some Respect.
Now shut the hell up and have Some fun.
[ laughter and applause .]
thank you.
Thank you, mr.
King.
I appreciate that.
Oh, here's principal frey.
attention, all teachers and Students.
We've had an unfortunate Incident to our mascot the Booker t.
Trojan horse.
Apparently one of you jive tom Turkeys thought it'd Be funny to feed it a bucket of Dr.
Pepper in several viagra Tablets.
The horse is currently in the Parking lot trying to fornicate With a nissan centra.
And ms.
Williams is trapped Inside.
We have called in a special Veterinarian.
Who is familiar with horse Erections? Let us please have a moment of Silence for ms.
Williams for a Safe tactical escape.
[ heavy breathing .]
Oh, my lord jesus.
[ heavy breathing .]
She's gonna get raped by a Horse.
I've seen a lot of people down Like that.
Oh, jesus.
Oh, lord bless the horny pony.
Thank you.
Thank you for holding for that Important moment of silence.
And bless the horny pony once Again.
She's going to be killed.
He's going to break the Windshield with his thing.
I know he is.
Oh, lord jesus.
[ cheers and applause .]
this holiday season at Madison square garden, there's Only one show, one skater that Families everywhere are flocking To see.
[ cheers .]
Meryl streep on ice.
stop it! she mastered the stage, the Screen, and now meryl streep Takes to the rink.
like it's anything.
I'm just having fun.
I skated twice in my life! it was unbelievable.
better than "sophie's Choice.
" all of a sudden she was out There.
I didn't even know she could Skate.
I don't know why I'm getting Emotional.
[ chanting .]
meryl! Meryl! Meryl! Meryl! sorry.
umm -- the bitch can skate.
[ laughter .]
it's meryl streep like you've Never seen her before.
I just get on the ice and go! "meryl streep on ice.
" Choreography by nancy meyers.
all: We love meryl! [ applause .]
once again, paul mccartney.
[ cheers and applause .]
stuck inside these Four walls Sent inside forever Never seeing no one nice again like you Mama you Mama you if I ever get Out of here Thought of giving It all away to a registered charity All I need is a pint a day If I ever get out of here If we ever get out of here well, the rain exploded With a mighty crash As we fell into the sun And the first one said to the second one there I hope you're having fun Band on the run Band on the run and the jailer man And sailor sam Were searching everyone For the band on the run for the band on the run Band on the run Band on the run Well, the undertaker drew a heavy sigh Seeing no one else had come And a bell was ringing In the village square for the rabbits on the run Band on the run Band on the run And the jailer man and sailor sam Were searching everyone For the band on the run Band on the run band on the run Band on the run Band on the run, yeah The band on the run well, the night was Falling as the desert world Began to settle down In the town they're searching for You everywhere But we never will be found Oh, no band on the run Band on the run And the county judge Who held a grudge will search for evermore For the band on the run For the band on the run Band on the run band on the run [ cheers and applause .]
[ cheers and applause .]
Hey, mike underball.
I'm the director.
really nice to meet you, mr.
Underball.
mr.
Underball was my dad.
Call me mike.
So glad you're doing this Benefit show.
Broadway cares is an amazing Cause.
I'm happy to help.
you know how it works.
Everyone's performing their Favorite songs from a broadway Musical.
You're doing "willkommen"? the emcee.
I do have one question.
Is it possible for me to do it In the spotlight? jeff, we're going to need a Spotlight on this one.
Is that okay? you really want my opinion? let's just do it, buddy.
Okay.
Here we go.
Music! willkommen bienvenu stranger can we stop for a second? jeff, you've got to follow Him.
sorry about that.
My mind must be elsewhere.
I saw "tangled" again this week.
I'm still thinking through it.
Seems like an animated Inception.
no problem, jeff.
You're the best.
when I move from my first Position, just follow me.
Otherwise people won't be able To see me.
oh, is that how light works? yes.
no, mike, this is great.
I love this.
This is great.
Thomas edison is telling us how Light works.
just follow him with the Spot.
you're the boss.
I didn't upset him, did I? he's fine.
From the top.
willkommen bienvenue Welcome Fremde Etranger stranger [ muttering .]
I'm sorry, stop.
Could we stop, stop, please, Please.
what's going on, paul? he's moving the spot all Around.
It's ridiculous.
hey mike, you know what's Ridiculous? Paul rudd playing the emcee from "cabaret.
" yeah! I'm serious.
I thought emcee Stood for master of ceremony, Not mediocre caca.
caca is with a "k," jeff.
no, no.
Caca is spelled with an "r.
" R-u-d-d.
that's funny.
That's your last name.
I know.
you're going to run into joel Gray at the gym and he's going To hop up on a box and punch you In the nuts.
yes! If you're going to go there, Please keep it out of the Gutter.
if you're going to go there? be the change you want to see In the world.
think gandhi.
you got it, buddy.
I'll humor him.
Nice catch.
You're right, I slipped.
all right.
Here, you know what? I'm going to make it easy.
I'm not going to move.
I'm going to stay put.
yeah, you should have stayed At home.
[ laughter .]
music.
willkommen Bienvenue Welcome Fremde etranger stranger Oh, come on.
Look at this.
jeff, what are we thinking Here? you know, I thought I'd draw attention to The guy's crotch because he's Singing like such a big pussy.
yeah.
I'm out of here.
now what are we going to do? I'll show you what we're Going to do.
Hit me with that spotlight! willkommen Bienvenue Welcome Fremde once again, paul mccartney.
[ cheers and applause .]
[ cheers and applause .]
[ cheers and applause .]
I read the news today Oh, boy About a lucky man Who made the grade and though the news Was rather sad Well I just had to laugh I saw the photograph he blew his mind out In a car He didn't notice that The lights had changed a crowd of people Stood and stared They'd seen his face before Nobody was really sure if he was from The house of lords I saw a film today Oh, boy the english army Had just won the war A crowd of people turned away But I just had to look having read the book I'd love to turn you On woke up, fell out of bed Dragged a comb across my head Found my way downstairs And drank a cup and looking up I noticed I was late Found my coat And grabbed my hat made the bus in seconds flat Found my way upstairs And had a smoke And somebody spoke and I went into a dream all we are saying Is give peace a chance All we are saying Is give peace a chance everybody's talking About it all we are saying Is give peace a chance All we are saying Is give peace a chance all we are saying Is give peace a chance everybody sing it All we are saying Is give peace a chance give peace a chance all over the world all we are saying Is give peace a chance All we are saying Is give peace a chance give peace give peace all we are saying Is give peace a chance [ cheers and applause .]
well, this won't be topped.
Thank you so much.
Thank you very much to the cast, The crew and paul mccartney.
[ cheers and applause .]
one more? One more? [ cheers and applause .]
get back get back get back to where you once Belonged get back get back get back to where you once Belonged get back -- Captions by vitac -- Captions paid for by nbc-universal television get back get back get back to where you once Belonged get back get back get back to where you once Belonged Belonged oh get back get back
good evening.
In the next few days, the u.
S.
House of representatives and the Senate will be voting on a vital Piece of legislation.
It is a tax package worked out By this white house and Republican congressional Leaders.
And it is absolutely essential That it pass.
Both to extend unemployment Benefits to those out of work And to prevent a massive tax Increase on the american middle Class.
At a time when the economy can Least afford it.
Now, I know that many of you are Unhappy with parts of this Proposal.
Especially that includes tax Cuts for those making over $250,000 a year.
But the simple fact is, this White house had no choice.
Republican leaders insisted on Tax cuts for the wealthy, and as As I said in my press conference Monday, they had decided to hold Us hostage.
Literally.
They held us hostage in all for About three days.
Bound, bagged, blindfolded in a Dark room somewhere outside Washington.
It was a terrifying experience.
Hard to put into words.
I don't think I'll ever get over It, really.
And here's something else.
The stockholm syndrome where Hostages come to identify and Agree with their captors, that's A real phenomenon.
It really is.
I learned that for myself when On the fourth day I suddenly Decided that I kind of agreed With the republican philosophy Of trickle-down economics.
That's why, to me, the tax cuts For the wealthy aren't a big Problem.
They're the best part of the Bill.
You watch.
I predict the rich will use that Extra money to go out and create Jobs.
Millions and millions of jobs.
It's like rush said on his show The other day.
I never got hired by a poor Person.
So if house speaker nancy pelosi Or as I now like to call her, San francisco nancy, would just Stop her obstructionist tactics And let this bill come to a Vote, we can get our economy Moving again.
Now, san francisco nancy and her Democrat pals need to understand That six weeks ago the american People went to the polls and Overwhelmingly rejected their San francisco values and their Class warfare politics.
One more thing.
I would be remiss were I to Appear before you tonight and Not express my extreme Disappointment, perhaps outrage Is a better word, at the unjust Treatment accorded bristol palin Recently on "dancing with the Stars.
" The judges' decision was a Travesty.
And I join the first lady as Well as her fellow mama Grizzlies in condemning it.
Well, that's all for tonight.
I will see you next week in Tampa, florida, when I join Glenn beck and bill o'reilly as Part of our bold fresh tour.
Now, in closing, let me reassure You that however long it takes, This nation's current troubles Will pass.
Because you americans never have And never will give up.
I say you americans because even Though I always thought I was Born here -- uh, lately I've Begun to have my doubts.
Thank you and live from new York, it's Saturday night! [ cheers and applause .]
announcer: It's "Saturday Night live"! With -- Fred armisen Abby elliott Bill hader Seth meyers Bobby moynihan Andy samberg Jason sudeikis Kenan thompson Kr Kristen wiig Featuring vanessa bayer Paul brittain Taran killam Nasim pedrad Jay pharoah Musical guest paul mccartney.
And your host, paul rudd! Ladies and gentlemen, paul rudd! Captions paid for by nbc-universal television -- Captions by vitac -- [ cheers and applause .]
thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you so much.
It is so great to be hosting "Saturday night live" for the Second time.
The first time I was nervous.
But I must have done something Right, because this time when I Walked into the studio, there Were all these people lined up Freezing cold chanting "paul! Paul! Paul!" [ laughter .]
All for me! Paul rudd! And those fans, they're intense.
One lady was out there, she was Crying just because she was like In my presence.
[ laughter .]
Can you imagine? Then someone yelled out, "yesterday.
" Which, I guess, is a reference To the npr interview I gave Yesterday.
[ laughter .]
I didn't think anybody was Listening to that.
To be honest, some of those Fans know a little too much About me.
Like one guy screamed "her Majesty," which is my nickname On movie sets among the crew.
[ laughter .]
I don't know how they found that Out.
Internet, I guess.
Most of all, they were just Screaming my name, "paul, paul, Paul!" It was incredible.
[ cheers and applause .]
How are you? [ cheers and applause .]
thank you.
really, I mean, to be here With you -- oh.
Oh.
They were cheering -- yeah, they Were cheering for you.
well, I was cheering for you.
I loved "role models.
" oh, that's so nice.
Wow.
Thank you so much.
No disrespect.
I'm just glad we cleared up this Whole paul bit.
yo, yo, yo, feature player Paul brittain is in the mother Freaking house! [ cheers and applause .]
Yeah.
oh.
Sorry.
he seemed nice.
he's new.
Anyway, we've got a great show.
all sorts of pauls are here.
[ cheers and applause .]
stick around, we'll be right Back! [ cheers and applause .]
even your cat.
That's why we at pet chalet Asked a panel of premier European chefs to create the Ultimate menu.
Introducing feline culinary Creations.
Handcrafted gourmet meals you Can proudly bring to your cat's Table.
Recipes like filet with shiitake Demi glace.
Salmon carpaccio with lobster Medallions.
A trio of braised lamb, venison Ravioli and broccoli rabe.
Sweet and sour crab with minor Lemon.
So show your cat what fine Dining is all about.
Feline culinary creations.
For the love of your cat.
[ applause .]
I'm kind of nervous to meet The whole family.
don't worry.
Holidays with my family are Great.
who is that out there? just a couple of christmas Elves.
oh, austin.
Oh, you're here.
I can't believe it.
Look at my man.
He's all grown up.
I don't have my glasses on.
Is that george clooney? dad.
what a great guy.
I'm so proud of you.
mom, I'd like you to meet my Girlfriend, amanda.
amanda, we're so glad you Could spend the holidays with Us.
welcome.
I remember when I first brought My first girlfriend home for Christmas.
She was mighty nervous.
how did it go? I married her.
oh, that's me.
numb nuts roasting on an open Fire.
hey, duane.
This is amanda.
you're a step up.
His last steady girl was a Blow-up doll.
easy, bro.
just kidding.
Feliz navidad.
Mmm.
[ laughter .]
wow.
a very pricey wreath there, Duane.
I earned some extra dough Breaking down boxes.
a hard worker.
I learned from you.
[ laughter .]
hey, mom, do you have any More gum? oh, no, but here, honey, take My piece.
[ laughter .]
[ audience ohs .]
[ laughter .]
thanks.
Babe, you want some gum? I don't like gum.
hey, everybody.
who's that? not a family christmas Without our relatives from Romania.
uncle, get over here.
How you doing? [ kissing noises .]
and now we kiss like romanian Vogelcheck.
come here, I missed you.
uncle vlad and my aunt Traveled all the way from a tiny Village thousands of miles just To be with us.
oh, my gosh.
[ doorbell rings .]
I'll get it.
welcome, stranger.
hello.
I'm sorry to bother you, but my Sleigh -- my car broke down.
May I use your telephone? of course.
During the holidays, our home is Open to all.
thank you.
I know what! Let's do the traditional Vogelcheck christmas dance! yeah! what's the dance? oh, you'll be able to follow Along.
a one and a two [ kissing sounds .]
okay.
Okay.
Um, you know what, austin? I think my family might be Missing me.
Maybe I should go.
but, babe, duane's friends Are coming over.
oh, hold on, hold on.
Stop right there.
I know what's going on.
You saw all this kissing, and You got uncomfortable.
I'll tell you a little story.
Vlad and elena here have been Married for 60 years.
They have survived communism, a World war and the justified Stoning of their daughter, Lishka.
[ light laughter .]
But every day before vlad goes Out into the field, he and elena Hug and kiss.
It means I love you.
And we do.
We're vogelchecks.
and I think I'm going to Spend the holidays right here With the vogelczehecks.
everyone's welcome.
Even that guy using the phone.
Where is he? he's gone! Look, there's more presents Under the tree.
ho, ho, ho, merry christmas! you mean that was -- Santa! [ laughter .]
[ audience ohs .]
merry christmas to all.
[ applause .]
ho, ho, ho, happy holidays From the vogelchecks! and now it's time to play -- all: What's that name? and here's your host, Vince white! [ applause .]
hello.
Hello, hello, hello.
And welcome to "what's that Name?" The rules are simple.
We show you a person, you tell Us their name.
Our contestants today are jake A cfo at smith and price.
And carolyn, a senior partner at Chapman real estate.
The first question goes to jake.
He's subway's number one Spokesman.
What's that name? jared fogle.
[ ding .]
20 bucks for you.
[ light laughter .]
Carolyn, you're up.
He's the second lead in the film "saving silverman.
" What's that name? oh, I know this.
Steve zahn.
[ ding .]
$20 for you.
Now it's time to up the ante.
Jake, this next one is for $10,000.
[ laughter .]
And here to read the clue is the Man himself.
I've been your doorman for Four years.
[ laughter .]
I open the door for you every Day.
I've always got a joke and a Smile.
What's my name? hey, man.
[ laughter .]
How's it hanging? low and lazy.
What's my name? I know your whole family.
Your son ozzie loves outer Space.
What's my name? [ laughter .]
carl? [ buzzer .]
audience, what's that name? all: Norman! norman the doorman.
oh, I'm so sorry.
Say hi to the wife for me.
I'm sorry, what's that? Say hi to my wife? yeah, okay, I'll take the bus Out to forest hills cemetery and Tell her that you say hello.
my god, what the hell kind of Show is this? it's "what's that name?" [ laughter .]
Carolyn, you're up.
And we've got another walk-on Clue.
for ten years I clean your Office every day.
What's my name? oh, it's you.
Do you have any fun plans for The holidays? yes.
Cleaning your office! What's my name? [ laughter .]
you don't seem to know her Name.
I think it's something like Eeyore? that is cartoon donkey.
[ laughter .]
eedore.
[ buzzer .]
what's that name? all: Mary! [ laughter .]
but steve zahn you know.
I just wish those people wore Name tags.
"those people"? I just want to say, I think What you're doing here is pretty Lousy.
well, I think you're lousy.
[ laughter .]
do you know your cameraman's Name? middle one's charlie.
what about the other two? I'm not a contestant.
[ laughter .]
what are their names? if I told you, if I were a Contestant, but I'm not.
You are.
And here's your next clue.
who the hell are they? eight of your summer interns.
They worked for you for free for Four months.
If you can tell me any of their Names, I'll give you $1 million.
[ laughter .]
I, uh -- oh, geez.
I don't -- I don't know.
I'm just going to say a name.
Josh.
[ ding .]
there are three joshes.
[ laughter .]
That means you win $3 million.
oh, wow! plus you've got the Opportunity to go double or Nothing in our bonus round.
What do you say? well, I guess I'm on a hot Streak.
Let's go Double or nothing.
fantastic.
Here to read the bonus clue is The man himself.
[ laughter .]
what's my name? oh, god, no.
I wasn't paying attention Before.
[ laughter .]
Josh? [ buzzer .]
what's that name? all: Norman! norman the doorman.
Rhymes, even.
yeah.
Right.
So easy.
well, jake, that puts you Back to zero.
That's our show.
But stay tuned for a new game Show called "what's in your Internet history?" Yikes! [ laughter .]
[ cheers and applause .]
stumble out of bed And I stumbled in the kitchen Stumbled in the bathroom Stumbled in the living room stumbled out the door And past my car stumbling stumbled into work And I stumbled through The office stumbled in the gym And I stumbled Through my workout stumbled down the street And to a bar Stumbling stumble through the bar Past mario batali Stumble through a swirl Record sing song stumbled right in step With my good old friends It seems this stumble's Never gonna end stumble past a guy Putting on his first lipstick Stumble past a girl with a Fist full of bisquick stumble past three gents [ laughter .]
Stumble past the elevator Stumble past the elevator stumble past the elevator Stumble past the elevator Stumble down a nasty Flight of stairs walking in slow motion Walking in slow motion Walking in slow motion Walking in slow motion tiny harmonica solo.
stumble Through a -- With a hobo acting regal past a bunch of mimes And a painter with an easel And a one man band playing checkers With a teacher That concludes our Stumbling adventure here stumbling [ cheers and applause .]
hello, I'm diane foster, Vice president of customer Relations at mastercard.
This week, supporters of the Wikileaks organization attacked Our website.
Assure our customers That we are doing -- hello again.
It's me, julian assange.
I've taken over your airwaves From inside a british prison.
How did I get a camera into a British prison? Maybe you weren't listening.
I'm julian assange.
This Monday I was arrested, Proving that for those who Terrorize the United States, There is nowhere to hide.
America will find you and they Will punish you.
Unless, of course, your name is Osama bin laden.
I was not arrested for terrorism But rather to be questioned on Two rape charges.
It's long been interpol's job to Hunt down those accused of Sexual misdeeds.
Who can forget ben Roethlisberger, double standard, Anyone? Yeah.
Now on to business.
If I'm not released immediately, Supporters of the wikileaks are Prepared to attack the following Websites.
Amazon.
If I am falsely imprisoned one More day, anyone purchasing mark Twa Twain's new autobiography, must Instead send the book "everyone Poops.
" Awkward.
Orbitz.
Two more days, any holiday Flight will have a connection at The cleveland international Airport.
Also, all special requests will Be locked at middle seat kosher Meal.
[ laughter .]
Day three.
Facebook.
You know that one profile Picture that makes you look Thin? It's gone.
On the fourth day, we will move On to the facebook game Farmville and leave it alone.
The people you barely remember From high school will continue To bother you with requests to Water their stupid crops.
Hooray.
Day five.
Netflix.
Have you seen the fourth season Of "hanging with mr.
Cooper"? You're about to.
[ laughter .]
First on your queue.
Angry birds.
If I'm held for six days, the Birds in angry birds will no Longer be angry.
What are you playing? Good-natured birds.
How is it? It stinks.
And if I'm incarcerated for one Whole week, we start messing With porn sites, the free ones.
Ooh, got your attention now, do I? There you have it.
Hope to see you on the outside.
In conclusion, I want to remind You that no matter how I die, Even if there's a suicide note, It was murder.
It was murder.
Cheers.
you're watching "sexually speaking.
" With dr.
Linda marie choice.
Dr.
Linda has been married seven Times and specializes in sexual And reproductive health.
And now, with her personal Approach to sexual issues, Please welcome dr.
Linda marie Choice.
dr.
Linda's sick.
I'm her producer, roger brush.
Dr.
Linda's daughter called and Said she's got a stomach thing.
I don't want to get too graphic, But she's got clear water coming Out of her butt.
[ laughter .]
I said please don't come in.
I'll just take it from here.
Let's go to the audience.
this is pamela shimpley.
She has a question about her and Her husband's love-making.
hi, I have an issue with my Husband.
I love him so much, but he's, Well, small.
you know, I can't hear you, Honey.
Be loud.
he has a small penis.
say it again.
he has a small penis.
small v-necks? [ laughter .]
Can anybody hear? You know, you've got to eat that Microphone.
his penis, it's thin like a Chicken bone.
oh.
I see what you're saying.
How about this.
You know, when he does it, just Say, "ooh, ooh, baby, that's the Best I ever had.
" no, that's not the problem.
you know, I don't know what To tell you, sweetheart.
I'm up here sweating, Trying to help you out, and You're bad-mouthing your husband Behind his back.
no, I'm not.
He's right there.
[ laughter .]
you're the one with the Skinny ding-a-ling? I don't know what to tell you.
You know, Soak it in saltwater and see if It pumps up.
I'm not the expert.
All right, who's next? this is tyler bands.
He has a really interesting Question.
my partner and I have been Together for four years.
How do we keep our sex life Exciting? have you tried tickling her? it's a he.
it's a what? it's a he.
what? You know, I can't hear you.
It sounds like you said "it's a He.
" I did.
Your girlfriend is a he? I have a boyfriend.
well, how did that happen? what should we do? I don't know.
You know, just look at your Boyfriend and say, you and I Both know this is weird.
And, you know, close your eyes And do it and get it over with And hope for the best.
what? Where's dr.
Linda? She really helps people.
She tells them to touch each Other's faces and be honest with One another.
Stuff like that.
dr.
Linda is sick today.
you want dr.
Linda up here Peeing out of her ass? I don't.
Let's get to the next person.
Who do we got? this is jenna lynn austin.
She has a great question and she Needs your help.
yeah, my boyfriend seems more Concerned with his own needs in Bed than mine.
and? [ laughter .]
What are you looking at? I said "and?" I don't see the problem.
Who's next? this is stacy England.
hi.
I want to have sex with my Boyfriend, but he wants to wait.
why does he want to wait? Lose some weight or something? Make him a meal and say I'm Sorry about my thighs, but this Is as good as it gets.
what? I'm not overweight.
Dr.
Linda would never say that.
I know.
I know.
why are you taking her side? I'm trying to help you out and You're being a real diva.
Listen, I've got problems of my Own.
My sister just asked me if she Could borrow $15,000.
I don't know that I have it.
I mean, I have it, but I want It.
Okay.
So who's next? no one wants to go.
all right.
Good.
When we come back, nurse keller Shows us how to find the "g" Spot.
Oh, great.
[ cheers and applause .]
ladies and gentlemen, paul Mccartney.
[ cheers and applause .]
jet Jet Jet I can almost remember their funny faces That time you told them That you were going to Be marrying soon and jet, I thought the Only lonely face Was on the moon jet jet Jet Was your father as old As the sergeant major well how come he told You that you're hardly Old enough yet And jet, I thought the major was A lady suffragette jet Jet ah mater, want jet To always love me Ah mater, want jet To always love me ah mater Much later jet and jet, I thought the Major was a Lady suffragette Jet jet Ah mater, want jet To always love me Ah mater, want jet to always love me Ah mater Much later jet With the wind in your hair Of a thousand laces Climb on the back and we'll go for a ride In the sky And jet, I thought that The major was a lady suffragette Jet Jet And jet, you know I thought you was a Lady suffragette Jet And a lady oh, yeah Yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah [ cheers and applause .]
"weekend update" with Seth meyers.
good evening, I'm seth meyers And here are tonight's top Stories.
Many democrats were upset this Week with president obama, Saying that he failed to Negotiate with the republicans On extending the bush-era tax Cuts.
And that he Caved in on raising taxes on the Rich.
Man, if other democrats think You caved, you really caved.
That's like the chess club President calling you a nerd.
when democrats this week Rejected obama's compromise Plan, the white house took a Page from the music industry, if You're not selling like you used To, break out the greatest hits.
wikileaks' founder julian Assange was arrested on Monday, And now all americans can sleep Easy knowing they have nothing More to fear from the bad man Who wanted them to read.
in an interview this week With barbara walters, oprah Winfrey denies she is a lesbian Saying, I'm not even kind of a Lesbian.
Said walters, "I haven't even Asked you a question yet.
" new jersey's first bear hunt In five years started Monday.
So be on your guard, mob wives.
it was reported that a Number of professional athletes Are now seeking to copyright Their personal slogans including The new york jets' durrell Revis' revis island, strahan's Stomp you out, I love me some, And brett favre's say hello to My little friend.
a man in kentucky has been Sentenced to 33 months in prison For threatening president obama In a poem called "the sniper.
" And I would guess that poetry is The absolute worst answer you Can give to the question, "what Are you in for?" a car carrying prince Charles and his wife, camilla, Was attacked Thursday in london By angry student protesters who Were upset over a hike in University tuition fees.
Anarles and Camilla were saying, it's time For a "weekend update audio Caption.
" And here to help me perform it, Paul mccartney.
Welcome to "weekend update," Paul.
Are you ready? I am.
okay, so I will be the voice Of prince charles.
You will be camilla.
great.
okay.
And can you do an english Accent? I can try.
okay.
and action! oh, no! oh, goodness me! oh, ne'er do wells! ruffians! oh, camilla! oh, charles, do something! oh! No matter what happens, I love You camilla! and I love you! oh, I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! and scene.
[ cheers and applause .]
So how do you think that went? probably the best thing I've Ever worked on.
paul mccartney, everyone! it was announced that after 70 years, the syndicated Newspaper comic strip "brenda Star" will end.
Now they'll have room for the Edgy new strip "ziggy nights.
" a new report suggests that Men who grew up in the country Have larger penises than men who Grow up in the city.
I don't know if that's true, but I reckon it could be.
a&e this week canceled david Hasselhoff's new series after Just two episodes.
It's hard to say how he'll take The news, but I'm going to Guess, lying down? it's christmastime in new York, which means millions will Be heading to the city to Celebrate.
Here with tips on what new york Can offer is our correspondent, Stefan.
stefan, how have you been? the same.
lots of people are heading Here for a great new york Christmas.
Do you have any tips on what They can see and do? yes.
If you're here from ohio or Whatever, look no further.
New york's hottest club is Ounce.
Located in the middle of the East river.
This place has everything.
Cholos, puke people, a sheepdog That looks like bruce valanche.
An entire room of puppets doing Karate.
I'm sorry, why are puppets Doing karate? because it's that thing when Someone calls miss piggy fat and She goes, hi-yah! stefan, when I said, you Know, fun things for the Holidays, I meant things that Were a little more normal.
mm-hmm.
can you think of anything That might be a little more sort Of like classic new york Holiday? yes, yes, yes.
If you want your christmas in New york to be classic, look no Further.
New york's hottest club is Oonce.
This lower, lower east side is The creation of club owner Tranderson cooper.
And it finally answers the Question, "do I have to?" Lll this place has everything.
Schizos, kite enthusiasts, And that's not all.
Look who just came in.
It's blingo.
sorry, blingo? black ringo.
oh.
I don't know how to say this, But I was brought up to respect People from all walks of life.
And I am glad that you have a World you feel comfortable in.
dungeon culture, yes.
but look, buddy.
You know, I'm kind of an Old-fashioned guy, born and Raised in new hampshire.
seth meyers.
I just wanted to help folks, You know.
I wand th I want them to find some got, Old-fashioned Christmas cheer.
Now, can you help us with that? yes.
okay, good.
if you're old or into Fashion, I've got a place for You.
New york's hottest holiday club Is blitzen.
And right now they're having Their 12 days of christmas dance Party.
oh, 12 days of christmas.
That sounds nice.
because it has everything.
12 jacked albinos, 10 pierce-eared babies 9 asian balkis 8 gay aladdins 7 psychos swearting 6 puerto rican screeches of course.
We all knew that.
5 homeless elmos 4 coke coked-up frogs 3 french hens Taylor negron And a human parking cone soliai it on me, my man.
What's your question? the question was what's a Human parking cone? yes, it's that thing of when When two jacked midgets paint Themselves orange and you have To parallel park between them.
[ laughter and applause .]
oh, that thing.
It's that thing.
That's the thing it is.
Stefan, don't you ever just want To have a normal christmas? well, I would but no one ever Invited stefon to normal Christmas! aw.
well, stefon, would you Like to come to new hampshire With me? he asked me! stefon, everybody.
im on top! for "weekend update," I'm Seth meyers.
a new york city marketing Group is trying to rebrand the Area of manhattan below canal Street as can-do which would be An improvement from its current Nickname, fish stink murder Town.
a woman in England called Police this week to report that Her snowman had been stolen from Her front yard.
Oh, sure, the police are happy To get involved when a white Person goes missing.
a 2-year-old girl in Pennsylvania had to be rescued By firefighters after she Crawled inside a toy crane Vending machine in a mall and Became stuck.
They were able to get her out Safely, but it took, like, $9 in Quarters.
for "weekend update," I'm Seth meyers.
Good night! thank you.
And welcome, everyone, to our First booker t.
High school end Of the year holiday jam.
I think as rudolph says, this is Going to be off the hook.
So, uh, that's -- I'm Mr.
Griggs, the math teacher and Holiday jam coordinator.
We've got lots of fun activities For you here in the gym like pop A shot, dodge ball and a holiday Dance party in our library Annex.
I don't think many of you Celebrate hanukkah, but if you Do, we've got the rapping rabbi Dr.
Dreidel stopping by.
And if you celebrate kwanzaa, I've read several books on that.
And I still don't know what it Is.
Oh, it looks like we have a Quick message from our Principal, daniel frey.
[ heavy breathing .]
attention, teachers and Students.
We have a problem In our cafeteria.
You know, running around in the Lunchroom.
Apparently made a big mess From b hall to d hall.
Please, pick up your babies.
This is a high school, not a day Care center.
Thank you teachers and students For your time For that very important Announcement.
[ laughter and applause .]
okay.
I just want to remind everyone That we still have a few holiday Cookies left.
Unfortunately, someone set the Cafeteria holiday display on Fire, and we had to put it out With a ho, ho, hose.
That's a little joke.
But seriously, our cafeteria was On fire.
Oh, here's principal frey.
[ heavy breathing .]
attention, teachers and Students.
I have another important Announcement to make.
It has come to my attention That the costumes that were Rented for last night's holiday Show are infected with scabies.
If you are an elf and you are Itchy, please report to the Nurse.
Several elves have been taken To the hospital.
Let us have a moment of silence For the flesh of the infected.
[ light laughter .]
okay.
A moment of silence, everyone.
[ heavy breathing .]
lord jesus.
[ heavy breathing .]
I don't know, baby.
I don't know.
Thank you very much for holding For that important announcement.
Continue playing.
okay.
We've had some setbacks here, But I know we can do this.
And I'm here to just give you a Boost of self-esteem.
Or in this case, elf-esteem.
Oh, here's our gym teacher Mr.
King.
hey.
Hey! Shut up! Shut the hell up! This white man has been working For months to put this thing Together.
And this is what you do? don't worry.
no, no! This white man put this silly Little carnival together for You.
You should give him some Respect.
Now shut the hell up and have Some fun.
[ laughter and applause .]
thank you.
Thank you, mr.
King.
I appreciate that.
Oh, here's principal frey.
attention, all teachers and Students.
We've had an unfortunate Incident to our mascot the Booker t.
Trojan horse.
Apparently one of you jive tom Turkeys thought it'd Be funny to feed it a bucket of Dr.
Pepper in several viagra Tablets.
The horse is currently in the Parking lot trying to fornicate With a nissan centra.
And ms.
Williams is trapped Inside.
We have called in a special Veterinarian.
Who is familiar with horse Erections? Let us please have a moment of Silence for ms.
Williams for a Safe tactical escape.
[ heavy breathing .]
Oh, my lord jesus.
[ heavy breathing .]
She's gonna get raped by a Horse.
I've seen a lot of people down Like that.
Oh, jesus.
Oh, lord bless the horny pony.
Thank you.
Thank you for holding for that Important moment of silence.
And bless the horny pony once Again.
She's going to be killed.
He's going to break the Windshield with his thing.
I know he is.
Oh, lord jesus.
[ cheers and applause .]
this holiday season at Madison square garden, there's Only one show, one skater that Families everywhere are flocking To see.
[ cheers .]
Meryl streep on ice.
stop it! she mastered the stage, the Screen, and now meryl streep Takes to the rink.
like it's anything.
I'm just having fun.
I skated twice in my life! it was unbelievable.
better than "sophie's Choice.
" all of a sudden she was out There.
I didn't even know she could Skate.
I don't know why I'm getting Emotional.
[ chanting .]
meryl! Meryl! Meryl! Meryl! sorry.
umm -- the bitch can skate.
[ laughter .]
it's meryl streep like you've Never seen her before.
I just get on the ice and go! "meryl streep on ice.
" Choreography by nancy meyers.
all: We love meryl! [ applause .]
once again, paul mccartney.
[ cheers and applause .]
stuck inside these Four walls Sent inside forever Never seeing no one nice again like you Mama you Mama you if I ever get Out of here Thought of giving It all away to a registered charity All I need is a pint a day If I ever get out of here If we ever get out of here well, the rain exploded With a mighty crash As we fell into the sun And the first one said to the second one there I hope you're having fun Band on the run Band on the run and the jailer man And sailor sam Were searching everyone For the band on the run for the band on the run Band on the run Band on the run Well, the undertaker drew a heavy sigh Seeing no one else had come And a bell was ringing In the village square for the rabbits on the run Band on the run Band on the run And the jailer man and sailor sam Were searching everyone For the band on the run Band on the run band on the run Band on the run Band on the run, yeah The band on the run well, the night was Falling as the desert world Began to settle down In the town they're searching for You everywhere But we never will be found Oh, no band on the run Band on the run And the county judge Who held a grudge will search for evermore For the band on the run For the band on the run Band on the run band on the run [ cheers and applause .]
[ cheers and applause .]
Hey, mike underball.
I'm the director.
really nice to meet you, mr.
Underball.
mr.
Underball was my dad.
Call me mike.
So glad you're doing this Benefit show.
Broadway cares is an amazing Cause.
I'm happy to help.
you know how it works.
Everyone's performing their Favorite songs from a broadway Musical.
You're doing "willkommen"? the emcee.
I do have one question.
Is it possible for me to do it In the spotlight? jeff, we're going to need a Spotlight on this one.
Is that okay? you really want my opinion? let's just do it, buddy.
Okay.
Here we go.
Music! willkommen bienvenu stranger can we stop for a second? jeff, you've got to follow Him.
sorry about that.
My mind must be elsewhere.
I saw "tangled" again this week.
I'm still thinking through it.
Seems like an animated Inception.
no problem, jeff.
You're the best.
when I move from my first Position, just follow me.
Otherwise people won't be able To see me.
oh, is that how light works? yes.
no, mike, this is great.
I love this.
This is great.
Thomas edison is telling us how Light works.
just follow him with the Spot.
you're the boss.
I didn't upset him, did I? he's fine.
From the top.
willkommen bienvenue Welcome Fremde Etranger stranger [ muttering .]
I'm sorry, stop.
Could we stop, stop, please, Please.
what's going on, paul? he's moving the spot all Around.
It's ridiculous.
hey mike, you know what's Ridiculous? Paul rudd playing the emcee from "cabaret.
" yeah! I'm serious.
I thought emcee Stood for master of ceremony, Not mediocre caca.
caca is with a "k," jeff.
no, no.
Caca is spelled with an "r.
" R-u-d-d.
that's funny.
That's your last name.
I know.
you're going to run into joel Gray at the gym and he's going To hop up on a box and punch you In the nuts.
yes! If you're going to go there, Please keep it out of the Gutter.
if you're going to go there? be the change you want to see In the world.
think gandhi.
you got it, buddy.
I'll humor him.
Nice catch.
You're right, I slipped.
all right.
Here, you know what? I'm going to make it easy.
I'm not going to move.
I'm going to stay put.
yeah, you should have stayed At home.
[ laughter .]
music.
willkommen Bienvenue Welcome Fremde etranger stranger Oh, come on.
Look at this.
jeff, what are we thinking Here? you know, I thought I'd draw attention to The guy's crotch because he's Singing like such a big pussy.
yeah.
I'm out of here.
now what are we going to do? I'll show you what we're Going to do.
Hit me with that spotlight! willkommen Bienvenue Welcome Fremde once again, paul mccartney.
[ cheers and applause .]
[ cheers and applause .]
[ cheers and applause .]
I read the news today Oh, boy About a lucky man Who made the grade and though the news Was rather sad Well I just had to laugh I saw the photograph he blew his mind out In a car He didn't notice that The lights had changed a crowd of people Stood and stared They'd seen his face before Nobody was really sure if he was from The house of lords I saw a film today Oh, boy the english army Had just won the war A crowd of people turned away But I just had to look having read the book I'd love to turn you On woke up, fell out of bed Dragged a comb across my head Found my way downstairs And drank a cup and looking up I noticed I was late Found my coat And grabbed my hat made the bus in seconds flat Found my way upstairs And had a smoke And somebody spoke and I went into a dream all we are saying Is give peace a chance All we are saying Is give peace a chance everybody's talking About it all we are saying Is give peace a chance All we are saying Is give peace a chance all we are saying Is give peace a chance everybody sing it All we are saying Is give peace a chance give peace a chance all over the world all we are saying Is give peace a chance All we are saying Is give peace a chance give peace give peace all we are saying Is give peace a chance [ cheers and applause .]
well, this won't be topped.
Thank you so much.
Thank you very much to the cast, The crew and paul mccartney.
[ cheers and applause .]
one more? One more? [ cheers and applause .]
get back get back get back to where you once Belonged get back get back get back to where you once Belonged get back -- Captions by vitac -- Captions paid for by nbc-universal television get back get back get back to where you once Belonged get back get back get back to where you once Belonged Belonged oh get back get back