The Simpsons s36e09 Episode Script

1
[SCOFFS] If you ask me,
any room with Patty and Selma in it
is an escape room.
I know you don't like Patty, Selma,
puzzles, or parties,
but try to enjoy Patty
and Selma's puzzle party.
Comrades,
as your damaged Soviet submarine sinks,
you must solve a series
of puzzles to escape.
Should you need help,
you can request up to five hints.
[PATTY AND SELMA CHUCKLING]
We've escaped from every fake dungeon,
zombie space station,
and unlicensed Hogwarts in this county
with no hints.
Good luck and do svidaniya.
I escaped!
See you later.
[SONAR PINGING]
Lisa, search the captain's locker.
Marge, torpedo bay!
- Hint!
- No!
No hints!
[SQUEAKY-VOICED TEEN] That
door is painted on, sir.
You've used one hint.
You ruined our perfect hint-free streak,
you Crisco-chugging pistachio brain!
Yeah? Well, you're a
a, a Hint!
I don't know.
Something about her hair, maybe?
That doesn't count as a hint!
Yes, it does!
[PATTY AND SELMA SNARLING]
- Separate.
- [HOMER GRUNTING]
[GROWLS]
[HISSING]
Homer, away.
Patty, tss, tss!
Selma, corner. Corner!
[ALL GRUMBLING]
Why was I in another awards show
"in memoriam" package?
Oh, okay, then.
Then why did they boo me?
Oh, okay, then.
Herschella!
If you're wearing a robe, cinch it.
Aunt Sadie!
My favorite aunt who still talks to me!
To what do I owe this barging-in?
Sideshow Mel asked me to
be a guest on your podcast.
I have a podcast?
Talking Krusty!
It's that thing where people
who worked on a TV show
talk about old episodes.
What do you call it?
A-a rewatch podcast.
Why has this been hidden from me?!
[GROANS]
[LAUGHTER]
So, right in the middle of
the Game of Thrones sketch
where the thrones were toilets,
the cue cards went missing.
What a story!
Only in showbiz.
Why the hell didn't you tell me
about this show about my show?!
We begged you many times to come on.
Shut up, you backstabbing traitor!
Who the hell are you, Mustache?!
And who's the skirt in the pants?
That's Wayne the Grip
and Jodie from Props.
They've been with the
show since day one.
What? You don't recognize the people
who work on your own show?
Um
Uh
Eh? Uh
[GROANS]
You're crying because they're
doing a podcast without you.
Now here's your chance!
So sit your butt in the chair
and make with the reminiscing
with your friends from work.
Yeah, my friends from work. I
[CHUCKLES] Yeah.
[BOING]
[MR. TEENY SCREECHES]
[SIGHS]
♪
We've solved every puzzle.
Why can't we find the
key to open the door?
We've never failed an escape room,
and we're not starting now.
Forgive me, Selma.
Hint!
The bald man who hates you found
the exit key 20 minutes ago
and has been using it to
scratch his butt out of spite.
[BLISSFULLY] Spite.
- [SONAR PINGS]
- Your mission has failed.
The frozen sea has claimed your bodies,
and your grieving children
will be sent to the gulag.
Happy birthday.
We're dead?
I'll kill you!
- Separate! Separate!
- [OTHERS ARGUING INDISTINCTLY]
[GRUNTING]
We did it, boys.
We prayed our way out.
[ROD AND TODD] Yay!
Birthday ruined!
[SIGHING DEEPLY]
Okay, so there we are,
in the finals of the kids'
show softball league.
- It is 110 degrees
- [GASPS] Huh?
and we're playing those
psycho cheaters from Bluey.
They slide spikes up, that's for sure.
[LAUGHTER]
And this is another
activity you missed out on
with your work family?
I wasn't invited.
That's on them.
Well, in our defense,
you don't seem like you want
to do things with the crew.
You don't look anyone in the eye,
you address people by
their shirt color
That's not true, Green Shirt!
Herschella Krustofsky,
you self-absorbed, degenerate freak!
You're a lonely, sad narcissist
who has no connection to his fellow man.
You're an empty Hollywood elitist clown
who's gonna die alone on a toilet
kissing your own headshot!
I don't know how to
connect with nobodies.
It's not my fault.
Listen up and listen good.
The problem is you!
[CRYING] Oh, my God, you're right!
I'm the problem!
I worked with these good
people for 30 years,
and I haven't made a single friend!
[CRYING]
If I can't change,
I'll never be happy!
[CRYING]
And we'll be back after
this word from 3 Day Clams,
fresh clams from the sea to your door
in three business days.
[SADIE] Listen up and listen good.
The problem is you!
- Brake!
- [GRUNTING]
"The problem is you."
[CHUCKLES] What a catchphrase!
We could build an entire
TV show out of that.
Krusty's brash, no-nonsense,
"tell it like it is" Aunt Sadie
fixes broken relationships
in 30 minutes?
Exactly.
Like Judge Judy but we get the money.
All we have to do is choose the
heaviest metallic sound effect
for when the title slams in.
- [CLANGS]
-
[KRUSTY] Coming up on
The Problem Is You,
Aunt Sadie faces her
toughest challenge yet.
And I'm there, too!
What's hiding behind
those chuckles, hmm?
Another glass of rosé
will not fix this.
[KRUSTY] And you won't believe
where the final finger points.
The problem is you!
Hmm hmm
Oh! Old Maid looks 20 years younger!
Dad, I thought
you hated family game night.
No.
I hated extended family game night
with your evil, terrible aunts.
Can you please make up with them?
We really need six people to play
The Three Duos of Half-Dozen Mountain.
Honey, if I could wave a magic wand
and make Patty and Selma not suck,
I would.
But it's probably best we get
used to never seeing them again.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
[YELPS] Them!
Where's Marge? Is she okay?
She texted us she fell off
the roof cleaning the gutters.
I lied about that to get
you all here together.
I did clean the gutters, though.
And I did fall off the roof.
After all these years,
it's obvious I can't get the
three of you to stop fighting.
[TIRES SCREECH]
But I think I found someone who can.
Homer, Patty, Selma,
by the time I'm done with you,
you'll be as close as a family can be.
[ALL SHRIEK]
Marge, dear, what's the who, why and how
of this family row?
Well, it's complicated.
I hate jerks, and they hate cool guys.
End of story.
We didn't like each
other from the start.
But things got really ugly
at that fateful baby shower.
[SELMA] We wanted that day
to be perfect for our sister.
- And it was.
- [PATTY] Until this idiot
botched the one and
only job we'd given him.
I got the cake!
[YELPING]
We said a carrot cake!
I know. But chocolate
is me and Marge's favorite.
[HYPERVENTILATING]
Luckily I brought a backup carrot cake
because I knew the Impreginator here
would screw it up.
[SELMA AND HOMER GRUNT]
You undermining land hags!
What's the matter?
You tell these traitors
that your favorite cake is chocolate
and that you despise carrot cake
because it's a garden
salad with frosting!
It's fine. It's fine.
Please don't fight.
[MOANING]
Mm-hmm. See? See?
I like both cakes.
No, she doesn't!
Eat wrong cake!
[GRUNTING]
[MARGE] It was at that moment I realized
the only solution was to keep
my husband and sisters separated
from then on.
So, Marge, who was right?
What is your favorite cake flavor?
It's neither! I like vanilla!
Only vanilla!
The less flavor, the better.
Vanilla is the opposite of chocolate!
Carrot is the opposite of cake!
Marge ruined her life when she met you!
Shut up! I've heard enough
of your bip-da-bip-da-bip!
You three disgust me.
May you walk under a
falling air conditioner.
That said, the problem
is you!
[ALL GASP]
Me?
How can I be the problem?
I'm the Marge of this!
Oh, please.
If you actually wanted peace,
you'd stop interfering.
Let these three lunatics
work out their mishegoss
among themselves.
Why on earth would I want them to fight?
So you could be the martyr.
You keep them separated so
they won't stop fighting.
God forbid they should ever bury
the hatchet and, who knows
[CHUCKLES] become friends.
Because then St. Marge
doesn't get to run the show.
- [MARGE] Aah! - [CLATTERING]
- [SANTA'S LITTLE HELPER HOWLS]
- [LISA] Hey!
- [GLASS SHATTERS] - [SNOWBALL II YOWLS]
[MARGE] Lamp. [GRUNTS]
That's the craziest thing I ever heard!
I'm the nicest!
I love everyone!
Out! Out! Out, out! Get out!
I un-sign all the waivers!
Shh, shoo, shoo, shoo!
This is what showbiz is all about,
huh, Wayne the Grip?
The camaraderie.
Huh? Why do you know my name?
Please don't fire me.
I need to support my stepson's
illegal street racing habit.
Relax, my fruit-vaping friend.
I'm just like you
a member of the crew family.
Really? You always seemed
like you couldn't stand
us below-the-line guys.
[GROANS] What I can't stand
is that old-fashioned
Hollywood expression.
Why should there be some
imaginary line separating
the so-called "talent"
from the hardworking riffraff like you?
If I could, I'd make it
so the line never existed.
[CHUCKLES] That's pretty cool of you,
man.
You know, I'm hosting a crawfish
boil this weekend for the crew.
You should come.
You're inviting me
to your that?
Just watch out for my friend Jimmy.
He will flick you in the
nuts if you're not looking.
I look forward to it.
Where does that
judgmental old clown-aunt
get off saying I'm the problem?
How can I be the reason
you three don't get along?
[CHUCKLES] That lady's off her rocker.
Thank you, sweetie.
You always know how to agree with me.
Yes, I do.
[SCOFFS] As if there were a world
where I'd be friends
with my worst enemies.
Hmm. Friends with Patty and Selma.
What are you doing here, Homer?
This isn't you.
You're not this person.
So, here we all are.
If I could have stayed away,
I would have.
Part of me wants to run.
Part of me knows I'm through running.
Do you think there's any truth
to what the mean lady said,
that we would be friends
if not for Marge?
I know I don't want to believe it.
We need to figure out if this is real.
I know a place where we
can explore these feelings
discreetly.
Patty and Selma, welcome to Moe's.
Weird how the sunlight
stops at the doorway,
like it's afraid to come in.
Yeah, a scientist
tried to explain it one time
and went crazy.
[MOE] Homer. Psst. Homer.
Hey, I said "Psst."
Who are these two goddesses?
They're Marge's sisters.
Midge has two hotter sisters?
Patty and Selma.
Pidge and Sidge?
Well, yeah, they're twins.
Oh, my God. Twins?
I always dreamed of
hooking up with twins.
Ever since I saw that old
commercial for the movie Twins.
Patty's a lesbian, so I don't think
And one of 'em has zero interest in men?
I think I'm in love over here.
How could you keep this from me?
How could you do it?
[ALL MURMURING]
All these years we treated
each other like garbage.
But it was Marge's fault.
I hope we can find it in
ourselves to forgive her.
Seeing as we're such great people,
we probably will.
To the three amigos?
Four. You're so fat, you count twice.
Zing!
- [ALL LAUGHING]
- Twice.
Said the spinster with a
toilet brush for a head.
Zing!
[ALL LAUGHING]
- Good one.
- Now that we're buddies,
our horrible insults are
just delightful zings.
Look, Homer, it's your head.
It's even got your IQ.
Zing!
[METALLIC SCRAPING]
[HOMER STRAINING] It's like I'm being
crushed by two sacks of wet mail.
[PATTY AND SELMA] Zing!
Did you have to audition for this part
or did your agent just get a call?
[WHISPERS] Zing.
38 minutes. No hints.
I stayed out of the way.
Homer?
[ALL YELP] Marge!
[MUFFLED] Dad, are you hanging out
with Patty and Selma?
- [LAUGHING NERVOUSLY]
- No, the thing is
It seems like you guys are friends.
- [STAMMERING NERVOUSLY]
- Wh-Why would I
If you guys are getting
along without me,
the problem is me.
- [CLANGS]
-
- Open. Open.
- [MUNCHING]
Friends.
[PATTY] Unlikely friends.
[HOMER] Remember, no splashing.
- [WATER SPLASHING]
- [LAUGHING] Oh, no.
Mom, you should go down and join them.
No, I'd only cause trouble
because I'm the problem.
[WORRIED GRUNT]
Of course you're not.
No, I am. It's fine, though.
Your father and my sisters
getting along was my dream
and it happened and
now my life is perfect.
Hooray for TV therapy.
Hooray, hooray, hooray.
So perfect that you're
up here watching them
while you refold laundry
that's already been folded.
Maybe I don't do things
right the first time.
Or any time.
[MARGE GROANING]
Bart! Mom has candy!
Candy, candy, candy, candy, candy.
[GROANING CONTINUES]
[SOBBING]
I ruined everything.
Candy?
[TIRES SCREECH]
[GROANS]
Krusty, you made it.
Like I'm not gonna drive three hours
to be with my crew family.
You got a little water
prison for the kids. Nice.
Oh, it's a pool.
No, pools go in the ground.
Oh, you got to meet my neighbors.
That's Phil. He's a cop.
Joe, cop.
Uh, cop, cop, cop.
Uh, I love law enforcement.
And laws.
Hey! Little help, K-dawg?
Oh! I can do this.
I bet on this sport.
[GRUNTS]
[GUESTS GASPING]
[CHILDREN SCREAMING]
[CRYING]
Walk it off, Jayden. Walk it off.
The dunes are calling your name, bro!
[GRUNTING]
- [LAUGHTER]
- [CHEERING]
My stepson's stepson,
he built this baby out of boat parts!
So, no brakes or safety
features to weigh you down.
Smart.
Is there a helmet?
Statistically, you're safer without one.
Got to do your own research.
Okay, I can do this.
Just take it slow and steady.
- [YELPS]
- [CRASHES]
Hey, the CPR worked!
And when your heart stopped,
which heaven did you see?
Jet Ski paintball next weekend
at Concrete Lake, K-dawg!
- You in?
- Wouldn't miss it.
[ANNOUNCER] It's The Problem Is You
Season Finale Reunion Special!
[CHEERING, APPLAUSE]
Welcome!
On our first hit season,
we solved a lot of problems.
And here they are now!
[AUDIENCE CHEERS]
So, how's everybody doing?
Yes, well, when you find
out that you're the problem,
even though you could have sworn
and I mean with every
fiber of your being
that it was the other guy,
it's very, well,
I don't know, freeing? I don't know.
I was so controlling of Percival.
But now I just let him roam free.
Oh, Aunt Sadie,
you changed all our lives.
Once you helped Marge step back
from decades of sabotaging us,
it's been so good for her.
- Right, honey?
- That's right.
I'm gonna be honest.
There was a time when I thought
maybe we were doing something wrong.
But we were completely blameless.
Not me. I'm to blame.
The problem is Marge.
All those things that used to
bother me about Marge's sisters,
they just don't anymore.
I can remember, for example,
when I wouldn't be able to stand
the way he's breathing right now.
Oh. W-Was I breathing loud?
- I'm sorry.
- Doesn't bother me either.
Good, because the cigarette
ash in your eyebrows
doesn't bother me.
I'm not sitting here, thinking,
"How could there be so much of it?"
[SELMA AND PATTY MURMUR]
Kumiko, tell me,
is your husband still skipping
the episode "previously on"s
even though you find them helpful?
You want to know something
else that doesn't bother me?
That he only cuts his
fingernails on his left hand.
I'm a righty, so I can't use
the clippers with my left!
Again, it doesn't bother us.
[CHUCKLING NERVOUSLY]
Marge, you want to step in here?
You mean separate you?
Oh, no. No, not me.
I don't do that anymore.
You disgust me!
- Groom yourself!
- You first!
You don't yell at a reunion show,
you sick morons!
Look at these losers I cured.
Cheapskate fixed!
Daddy issues fixed!
Impotent
came to terms with.
[KIRK SIGHS]
You fixed nothing!
You plaster over real problems
with an easy catchphrase.
These three have hated each
other since the moment they met,
and all you did was give them a reason
to not feel guilty about it.
Don't talk to me about guilt.
I invented guilt!
No! It's my turn to yell!
And point and point and point!
You can't solve
relationships in 30 minutes.
It requires years of constant hard work
and deep self-reflection
from all parties!
I didn't sign up for self-reflection.
Now you want me to work at my marriage?
Oh, I'm leaving you.
And I'm taking the pugs!
[OVERLAPPING ARGUING]
I'm Marge Simpson,
and the problem is not me.
I see it now.
The problem's not me either.
I was wrong to try to
form human connections
with the people that work for me!
Well, I don't think that's the lesson.
Why should I spend time
with anyone below the line?!
The line is there for a reason.
The line is an absolute good!
The line is life!
I always knew that guy was a phony.
Hey, let's go rub
our butts on his sushi.
Don't you leave me!
I've got an hour to fill
with you mental cases!
[GROWLS]
You need my yelling!
I'm so sorry for your loss, Krusty.
Who said you could talk to me?
Oh! Here we go.
That's Jimmy!
[SIDESHOW MEL] If you're like me
and you love shellfish
and you're not in a hurry,
did you know that 94% of clams
are perfectly safe to eat
after three business days?
So the next time it's Wednesday
and you feel like having
clams on the following Monday,
visit 3DayClams.com.
Order a dozen littlenecks
and get a shucker for free.
Though with three-day-old clams,
they practically open themselves.
One taste and you'll say, "Wow,
these clams are fresh enough."
Consult your physician
before ordering 3 Day Clams.
See terms and restrictions
at 3DayClams.com.
Delivery and/or food poisoning concerns?
Call 1-555-CLAM-HELP.
- Shh!
- 3 Day Clams is not - an endorsement
of eating three-day-old clams.