Saturday Night Live (1975) s36e10 Episode Script
Jeff Bridges Eminem
Remember the news The democrats.
But with the new year come new Hope.
And I bet if you went around This nation tonight, you'd find A lot of tho democrats Dreaming about better headlines In 2011.
Oh, indeed, I bet you would.
I concede you'll never be real to me but I can dream can't I can't I pretend for dreams are Just like wine And I am drunk with mine I'm aware my heart is a sad affair There's much Disillusion there but I can dream, can't I can't I adore you though we are oceans apart I can't make you open your Heart but I can dream can't I I can dream, can't I and me? Well, I guess my only wish would Be for congress to pass some Comprehensive climate change Legislation before my ass melts.
Have a holly jolly christmas, And live from new york, it's Saturday night! [ cheers and applause .]
announcer: It's "Saturday Night live"! With fred armisen Abby elliott Bill hader Seth meyers Bobby moynihan Andy samberg Jason sudeikis Kenan thompson Kristen wiig Featuring -- Vanessa bayer Paul brittain Taran killam Nasim pedrad Jay pharoah Musical guest -- Enimem and lil' wayne, and your Host -- Jeff bridges.
Ladies and gentlemen, Jeff bridges! Captions paid for by nbc-universal television -- Captions by vitac -- [ cheers and applause .]
thank you very much! It's great to be here.
You know, the last time that I Hosted this show was in 1983.
Do you believe that? Yeah.
I guess I did a pretty good job Considering how fast they had me Back.
[ laughter .]
Mostly I've been making movies For the last 27 years.
[ cheers and applause .]
I've been blessed to Play a lot of amazing roles in Some great, great films.
But of all those roles, the one I get recognized for the most is The dude.
[ cheers and applause .]
But I have to say, it's kind of A bummer, man, Because, you know, well, that's Not me, right? Because the dude, he's a Character, right? And I'm -- well, you know, I'm Jeff bridges, a real person.
The dude, he has Trouble, you know, expressing Himself.
[ light laughter .]
And I -- well, I don't.
[ light laughter .]
So yeah, you know.
But I'm back.
I'm excited.
And even more excited that it's Christmas.
And, you know, christmas, hey, Come on.
It's all about giving.
It's about friends, right? [ cheers and applause .]
And I've got a really good Friend who always wanted to be On this show.
And I thought it would be nice If we made his christmas wish Come true.
So come on out, buddy.
Come on.
dom de dom dom.
[ cheers and applause .]
hey, what's up, the dude? come on.
I'm not the dude.
me joking.
Me joking.
he's always Busting my chops.
aw.
hey, cook.
yeah? you want to do a tune? oh, me would love that.
Okay.
[ cheers and applause .]
city sidewalks Busy sidewalks Dressed in holiday style yeah! in the air there's A feeling of christmas very nice.
children laughing People passing Meeting smile after smile and on every street Corner you hear silver bells Silver bells Silver bells Silver bells it's christmastime In the city yeah! ring-a-ling Ring-a-ling Hear them ring Hear them ring soon it will be Christmas day so cook -- yeah? what do you want for Christmas, man? an ipad.
Really.
Me no kidding.
For cookie! [ cheers and applause .]
dreams of streetlights see them stoplights Blink bright red and green as the shoppers run home with Their treasures big "c" and above all the Bustle you hear silver bells blink blink blink Boing boink boink it's christmastime in the City ring-a-ling ring ring ring ring hear them ring soon it will be christmas Day silver bells silver bells silver bells silver bells soon it will be christmas Day [ cheers and applause .]
hey, cook.
I've got a present for you at my House.
oh, Boy, Oh, boy, oh, boy.
not only half, but a whole Cookie! twice as good! Cookie! Nom, nom, nom, nom.
Nom, nom, nom.
we've got a great show for you Tonight.
yeah.
eminem and lil' wayne are Here.
[ cheers and applause .]
stick around.
We'll be right back! and now a message from mark Zuckerberg.
hello.
I'm mark zuckerberg.
On Tuesday afternoon I was named "time" magazine's person of the Year.
While this is a great honor for Me, I could not have Accomplished it without the half A billion users who make up Facebook's social network.
hello again.
It's me, julian assange.
You may have heard I was Released from a british prison On bail Thursday.
Tonight I would like to take a Moment to congratulate "time" Magazine on its selection of Mark zukckerberg as person of te Year.
"time" magazine, always on the Cutting edge, discovering Facebook only weeks after your Grandmother.
Let's take a look at The differences between mark Zuckerberg and I.
I give you private information On corporations for free and I'm A villain.
Mark zuckerberg gives your Private information to Corporations for money, and he's Man of the year.
Yeah.
Thanks to wikileaks, you can see How corporate governments Operate in the shadows and then Lie to those who elect them.
Thanks to facebook, you can Finally figure out which "sex & The city" character you are.
I'm a samantha, but if the Swedish police ask, I'm a Charlotte.
Ooh.
In order to make a movie about Mark zuckerberg interesting, They had to make stuff up.
In order to make a movie about Me, just rate it "r.
" You'll have to Leave stuff out.
Ooh.
Perhaps in the end "time" chose Mark zuckerberg because he was The more dynamic choice.
Let's check back in with him.
and I think we can all agree That's an algorithm for fun.
[ laughter and applause .]
in conclusion, a final Reminder that no matter how I Die, even if there's a video of Me peacefully dying of natural Causes, it was murder.
And here's a status update -- Democracy is dead.
Happy holidays! [ cheers and applause .]
hey y'all, it's "the miley Cyrus show" with me, miley Cyrus.
I've got guests And a show and I'm ready To go so I guess That's pretty cool it's pretty cool [ cheers and applause .]
so it's miley, y'all.
This is just like my show where I like talk to people who are Pretty cool and, like, talk About things I think are pretty Cool.
And yeah, it's pretty cool.
And the miley cyrus band over Here.
We've got my dad, billy ray Cyrus.
[ cheers and applause .]
hey.
Miley, you're a christmas Miracle, baby.
thanks, dad.
Okay.
So today for my comedy monologue I thought we'd do this real Funny segment where we take Pictures of two celebrities and We put them together and see What it would look like if those Celebrities had a baby.
We call it what if we took two Celebrities and put them Together and then what would it Look like if they had a baby? What would it look like if tom Cruise had a baby with katie Holmes? I bet it would look something Like this.
[ laughter .]
So that's pretty cool.
that's hilarious.
You're like a pretty little Carlos mencia.
so, as you may have heard in The news, I recently had a very Serious five-minute drug Problem.
My friend videotaped me smoking A legal drug called salvia.
And the video ended up on tmz.
I'd like to introduce you to a Segment called here's what Happened when I took drugs.
I got really high, like really High.
It was crazy, y'all.
I started hallucinating and I Thought my body was made of Dominos and then all the dominos Started falling down.
And I was, like, hey, where's my Body? It was pretty weird but also Pretty cool.
So I guess the moral of the Story is, don't let your friend Videotape you when you're doing Stuff.
[ laughter .]
miley, sweetie, you're my Role model.
so my guest tonight is a Pretty cool actor who has also Been the subject of media Controversy.
Please give a give shello to Nick nolte.
[ applause .]
I'm pretty good.
So nick nolte, I've been a fan Of yours since I saw "tropic Thunder" when I was a toddler.
But you've also had a personal Scandal that was made public by The media.
oh, sure.
I walked down some dark paths, Wrestled some nasty demons.
yeah.
Me, too.
So there is, like, something I Really want to ask you.
Like how did you recover from Your media scandal, and like how Did you get back into movies, And like what's your favorite Movie, and like is prison fun, And like who's your best friend From prison, and do you believe In santa, and are you 100 years Old? miley, Here's all I've got to say.
If you're ever tempted to drink Or do drugs, just take a look at My mug shot.
[ laughter .]
wow! Don't worry.
I looked pretty crazy when I was On drugs, too.
Let's show that photo.
[ laughter .]
Oh, my god, that is so Embarrassing.
Anyway, nick.
I wanted something positive to Come out of the kinds of Experiences we both had.
So I recently starred in a very Serious after-school special About the dangers of drug use.
Do you want to see a clip? I'd love to.
let's roll that clip.
want to get high and smoke Drugs? It'll make you more popular with All the popular kids and stuff Like that.
oh, my god.
There is so much peer pressure On me.
And like I want to be popular Really bad but I also want to Think about my future.
And say other drugs and whatnot.
So I think what I'm going to say Is no way.
nick nolte, what did you Think? I think it's pretty damn Great.
that was so raw.
dad.
Well, that's our show.
I thought it was pretty real but Also pretty cool.
Say no to drugs y'all.
Come on, band.
I got guests and a show and to drugs I'll say no so I guess that's pretty Cool it's pretty cool [ cheers and applause .]
sometimes something Beautiful Happens in this world you don't know How to express Yourself so you've just Got to sing I just had sex and it felt so good felt so good I wanted to put my penis Inside of her I just had sex and I'll never go back have you ever had sex I have it felt great it felt so good When I did it With my penis a girl let me do it it literally just happened having sex can make A nice man the meanest now guess where I just came From I had sex if I had to describe the Feeling it was the best when I had the sex man my penis felt great and I called my Parents right After I was done oh hey Didn't see you there Guess what I just did had sex undressed saw her boobies and the rest well that was sure nice Of her to let you do that Thing nicest baby girl ever Now sing I just had sex and it felt so good felt so good I put my penis inside of her tell the world to be honest I'm surprised she even Wanted me to do it doesn't really make sense but man, screw it I don't want to argue With a good thing she could be my wife that good the best 30 seconds of my Life to let me do it 'cause honestly I'd have Sex with a pile Of manure I like girls better she let me wear my chain And my turtleneck sweater dedicated to them girls Near or far We want to take you all And thank you all for [ bleep .]
You she kept looking at her Watch doesn't matter Have sex but I cried the whole time doesn't matter Had sex I think she might have been a Racist doesn't matter Had sex she put a bag on my head I just had sex and my dreams came true to have sex in the last 30 minutes And you want to -- I just had sex and it felt so good we all had sex I put my small Penis inside of her I just had sex and it felt so good and I'll never go back it felt so great [ cheers and applause .]
welcome to "larry king live.
" If you're watching in hd, I Apologize.
[ laughter .]
As you know, we had a Star-studded final episode on Thursday with some of The biggest names in my rolodex, Like susan boyle and the judds And the elusive donald trump, I know that I said I was done, But I couldn't leave without Thanking some of the people that Have made this show so great.
First up, the shiniest man in Show business, jermaine jackson.
[ light laughter .]
hello, my friends.
you look like a new shoe.
[ light laughter .]
They were here on Tuesday and Now they're back, the judds.
hi, larry.
I had to have you back.
We barely scratched the surface.
Making his 10,000th appearance, dog the Bounty hunter.
[ light laughter .]
good to be here, larry.
you're the Smartest man I know, you chase Down criminals trying to avoid Capture.
Have you thought about changing Your look to something less Recognizable? this is my look, larry.
Very few people look like a Burnt hulk hogan.
[ laughter .]
it's beautiful.
You have the niagara falls of Mullets.
[ light laughter .]
Now, jermaine jackson, we've Spoken many times over the Years.
Yet there's so much I know about You.
Are you an only child? Do you have siblings? [ laughter .]
well, yes, I do, larry.
I was one of the jackson 5.
It's what most people know me For.
I wonder how we've never Touched on that.
well, we've come close but You normally gear the Conversation towards balloon boy Or lindsay lohan Or anna nicole smith.
oh, yeah, the mt.
Rushmore of News stories.
The judds, there's always one Question I've wanted to ask you.
Which one of you is the mother And which one is the daughter? I'm the mother.
whoa! I just lost 10 bucks and I Suddenly feel weird.
a lot of people make that Mistake.
It's a bosom thing.
you two have had a long, Publicly drawn-out family drama.
You're like the kennedys If they sold fireworks by the Highway.
thank you, larry.
we love you, larry.
thank you.
larry, I think I speak for All of us when I say we'll miss You so much.
So much.
dog, don't cry.
no one else interviews me.
it's very weird when you cry.
It's very weird when you cry.
You've done it before.
you're my only friend.
it's like a sasquatch who Found a dead bird and doesn't Understand.
for the past 31 years.
I forgive you, you lovable Monster.
Now, jermaine, you look at the Judds here, a mother and a Daughter making music together.
Do you ever wish your family was In show business? well, my whole family's in Show business.
next question.
Where were you when you got the Call that anna nicole smith was Dead? well, I was at home.
And you called me.
[ laughter .]
that's right.
larry, I hope you don't mind If I turn the tables, but what Is the secret to doing a show Every single night for almost 30 years? I stick to a strict routine.
Every day, I wake up an hour and A half after I tape my show.
[ laughter .]
I get five different newspapers And read them until I'm done With my farting.
And then I'm ready to get out of Bed.
Now, here's where things get Tricky.
My pajamas look remarkably like My clothes.
So there's a lot of confusion.
I go for my walk.
I slaughter a ram as per my deal With god.
[ light laughter .]
And then I return calls.
Around this time the sun starts To rise -- I'm being told we're running out Of time.
Oh, no.
Well, this has definitely been The best show of My career.
Thanks to all of you who Watched.
In two weeks, I'll be retired on A nude beach in trinidad.
Spoiler alert.
When I'm naked, I look like e.
T.
[ laughter .]
Before we go out, tony bennett Sang to me on Thursday.
I wanted to know if you would Sing to me tonight.
well, sure, larry.
we'd love to.
not you.
Dog the bounty hunter.
I'd be honored, larry.
and now The end is near And so I face The final curtain my friend I'll say it clear I'll state my case dog, don't cry.
[ cheers and applause .]
under underground records is Back.
what up, yo? I'm deejay super soak.
and I'm little blaster, and In case you didn't notice, it's That crazy-ass time of year Again.
both: Crunkmas.
and we here at under Underground records say it's Time to ho-ho celebrate.
announcing the first ever Crunkmas carnival.
there's gone that gonna be Tons of live, Underground rap and rock music, Yo.
you want christmas music? These bands will make santa Puke.
There's going to be dump, Homeless wedding, frog blast, Mary poopins, third eye blind, But snack, boyzii and scrotum Fire.
oh, yeah.
Scrotum fire! They're my ninjas.
Always throwing burning Scarecrows into the crowd.
ha-ha! And you best not need medical Attention, yo.
Because the first aid pit is -- full of snakes! [ laughter .]
once you're in you can't Leave because -- all exits are padlocked! luckily, you're locked in With some dope special guests, Like wrestler coco beware.
comedian phil spector.
the star of "spaceballs," Pizza the hut.
and former "donkey kong" Champion billy mitchell Challenging you to a mayonnaise Fight.
mayonnaise fight! and we're finally going to Give our deceased friend ass dan The wiggety wake he deserves.
yeah, you know I'm still Alive, bitch! [ laughter .]
it isn't all about fun, yo.
no, we're going to bust some Charity on you ninjas.
and here to tell you more is Mc george costanza.
yo, instead of toys for tots.
We've got our own program.
It's called whack ass junk for Immigrants.
whack ass junk for Immigrants! [ laughter .]
yeah.
We're giving them the stuff kids Don't want.
So, bring us your leaky Batteries, your broke-ass mix Tape, and expired tylenol, and We'll give you a free -- -- punch in the stomach! [ laughter .]
we've got mad special events, Like a dog tug-of-war.
and a 2-d screening of "the Owls of ga'hoole.
" [ laughter .]
don't miss a very special Panel how asian-americans can Break into entertainment.
[ laughter .]
and check it, we've reunited The entire cast of "growing Pains" yo.
Except kirk cameron, Alan thicke, tracey gold, and Jeremy miller.
we've got the mom! [ laughter .]
and you know we've got loose Hawks flying all over this Bitch! The crunkmas carnival takes Place February 13th through The 15th at where else? The metrodome.
the metrodome! [ laughter .]
See you ninjas there! [ cheers and applause .]
ladies and gentlemen, eminem And lil' wayne! [ cheers and applause .]
don't hurt me don't hurt me no more Throw dirt on me and Grow a wildflower But it's [ bleep .]
the world get a child out her Yeah, my life a bitch But you know nothing About her been to hell and back I can show you vouchers I'm rolling sweets I'm smoking sour married to the game But she broke her vows That's why my bars are Full of broken bottles and my night stands are Full of open bibles I think about more Than I forget but I don't go around Fire expecting not to sweat And these fools know I lay 'em down make you beg And if they try to kick me While I'm down I'll break your leg money outweighing Problems on the triple beam I'm sticking to the script I've seen them Skipping scenes be good or be good at it All right, I got my gun Semi-cartermatic Yeah It's [ bleep .]
what they say Up and away, man I come down in A couple of days Ok, you want me up in The cage then I'll come out in beast-mode I got this world stuck In the safe Combination is the g-code it's weezy [ bleep .]
Blood gang and I'm in bleed mode All about my dough but I don't even Check the peephole So you can keep knocking but won't knock me down No love lost, no love found It's a little too late to Say that you're sorry now you kicked me when I was down [ bleep .]
what you say Just don't hurt me it don't hurt me And I don't need you no more Don't want to see you No more And you get no love You showed me nothing but hate You ran me into the ground But what comes around Goes around and you don't hurt me You don't hurt me, no more And I don't need you no more Don't wanna see you you get no love Yeah Yeah Yeah you get no love Yeah Yeah Yeah and I don't need you No more I'm alive again More alive than I have been In my whole entire life I can see these people's ears perk up as I begin To spaz with the pen I'm a little bit sicker Than most [ bleep .]
fixin' to get thick again They say the competition [ bleep .]
from This [ bleep .]
now I stick it in I ain't never giving in again Caution to the wind Complete freedom look at these rappers How I treat them So why the [ bleep .]
Would I join them when I beat them They call me a freak 'cause I like to spit on these [ bleep .]
'fore I eat them man, get these whack Where the [ bleep .]
is kanye When you need him snatch the mic from 'em I'mma let you finish In a minute, yeah The rap was tight but I'm 'bout to spit The greatest verse of all Time so you might want To go back to the lab tonight and Scribble out them rhymes You were going to spit and Start over from scratch and write new ones But I'm afraid that it Ain't gonna make No difference when I rip this stage and Tear it in half tonight It's an adrenaline rush To feel the bass thump in the place all the way To the parking lot, fellow Set fire to the mic and Ignite the crowd you can see the sparks From hot metal Cold-hearted from the day I bogarted the game I self started a roc fellow When I'm not even in my Harshest you can still get roasted 'cause marsh Is not mellow 'til I'm toppling from The top I'm not going to stop I'm staying on my Monopoly board That means I'm on top of my Game and it don't stop 'til my hip don't Hop anymore When you so good that you Can't say it 'cause it ain't even Cool for you to sound Cocky anymore people just get sick 'cause you spit, these Fools can't drool or Dribble a drop anymore and you can never break My stride, you never slow The momentum at any moment I'm about to blow You'll never take my pride Killing the flow, slow Venom and the opponent is getting no mercy Mark my words ain't Letting up relentless I smell blood I don't give a [ bleep .]
Keep giving them hell Where was you when I Fell and needed help up you get no love It's a little too late to Say that you're sorry now You kicked me when I was down [ bleep .]
What you say, just Don't hurt me It don't hurt me that's right Don't hurt me And I don't need you no more I don't wanna see you You get no love You showed me nothing But hate, you ran me Into the ground but what comes Around goes around And you don't hurt me You don't hurt me and I don't need you no more Don't wanna see you You get no love you get no love Yeah Yeah Yeah and I don't need you No more You get no love Yeah yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah you get no love Yeah Yeah Yeah and I don't need you You get no love [ cheers and applause .]
"weekend update" with Seth meyers.
[ cheers and applause .]
good evening, I'm seth meyers And here are tonight's top Stories.
earlier today, don't ask, Don't tell was repealed in a Senate vote.
With 65 voting yay and 31 voting "I'm old!" julian assange, the founder Of wikileaks, was freed on bail Thursday and set to stay at a Luxurious mansion in the english Countryside.
So, is he under arrest, or is he On "the bachelorette"? [ laughter .]
president obama said Thursday that the u.
S.
Is on Track to achieve its goals in Afghanistan, but that the gains In many areas are fragile and Reversible.
Which may be true, but it sure Makes for a super crappy banner.
new york governor David paterson said Monday that He thinks the state may not be Governable, which is kind of Like danny devito saying that a Basketball is undunkable.
[ laughter .]
Inchtz a spokesman for walmart said It looks to open a store in new York.
It will have to be scaled down a Tad.
this week, republican National chairman michael steele Surprised everyone by announcing That he would run for a second Term, despite heavy opposition Within his own party.
Here to explain is michael Steele.
[ cheers and applause .]
what's up, seth? In the house, holla! when 2010 came, many thought You would gracefully step down.
I've been down with the tea To the party since back in the Day.
Much love to the competition.
Holla.
so you're a tea partier now? always have been.
All my mama grizzly sisters know What I'm talking about.
mr.
Steele, you have to admit That a second term will be an Uphill battle for you.
I mean, after several scandals, Republicans thought you would Take a hint and just step aside.
my fellow republicans love Me, seth.
We get along great.
We play pranks on each other.
The other day they had changed My locks and moved out all my Furniture.
are you sure that was a Prank? most def, seth.
The rnc thinks I'm the bomb.
Do you know I've never received A christmas present from my Fellow republicans? But this year I got a nice set Of luggage and a ticket to Anywhere.
That's anywhere in the world, Seth.
what are you going to tell Republicans that you've Accomplished these last few Years? let's look at one of my Biggest goals.
When I took over, minorities Were voting republicans.
Now just two short years later, We're known as the party of Angry white people who want to Take their country back.
Minorities, come on down.
Holla! do you really think you're Changing the republican party? it doesn't matter.
I'm a black republican.
Where am I going to go? We are a strong steady face for This party.
Not someone who's going to cry Like a beotch like john boehner.
People are coming late or not at All.
That's how I roll.
michael steele, everyone.
[ cheers and applause .]
experts in egypt are saying That a series of shark attacks On a popular beach were the Result of livestock traders Throwing carcasses into the Coastal waters.
Too bad because if it weren't For the sharks, that beach full Of floating carcasses sounds Like a really nice vacation Spot.
archaeologists are china Have discovered a 2400-year-old Pot of soup.
Apparently even the ancient Chinese had trouble throwing out Leftover chinese.
mtv announced part of its New year's eve special, snooki Will be placed inside a ball That drops in times square.
Though I have a feeling this Isn't the first party snooki has Spent drunkenly going down on Something while people cheered.
nick cannon revealed Thursday that he and Mariah carey are having twins.
And president obama and his wife Were among the first people they Told.
So the president doesn't have Enough on his plate.
Now he's got to act interested When nick cannon talks to him.
[ laughter .]
the midwest was rocked by Heavy snowfall and the northeast Is bracing for a nor'easter.
Here with our forecast, our new "weekend update" meteorologist, Brad pitt.
thank you, seth.
Very happy to be here.
brad, what can holiday Travelers expect next week? well, we've had a rough Starpt start To winter.
And nothing makes travel worse Than bad weather.
Bad! Now, you can see starting in the Midwest, you've got a cold front Coming down from the north.
And that means more snow.
Bad.
brad, the midwest has been Hit pretty hard.
Looks like it's going to be a Ch Chilly winter.
if you're looking to shake The snow off your boots, you'll Want to head down to the Southwest.
I'm talking about a heat Wave Phoenix looking at a high of 75.
Santa fe, 81.
And palm springs, up to 90.
Bad! You want to make sure to lather On that spf.
Protect the skin.
Bad.
Of course, when you're down There, you're just a hop, skip And a jump from baja, mexico.
When we filmed, guess what, Seth? the mexicans? no, "troy.
" brad, baby.
angelina! I got you a christmas Present.
oh, I hope it's a kindle.
Not a baby.
Merry christmas, everybody.
Back to you, setherino.
"weekend update" weatherman Brad pitt and angelina jolie, Everyone.
[ cheers and applause .]
lindsay lohan's mother, Dina, said her daughter turned Down an offer to appear on "dancing with the stars" but Suggested to producers they Should bring dina on instead.
She said oh, I couldn't Possibly.
Five, six, seven, eight.
the fda is warning men who Take the male-enhancement man-up Now capsules to stop using them, Because they can lower blood Pressure to dangerous levels.
Though, if you're buying male Enhancement pills at a deli, You're probably not interested In a ton of guidance.
[ laughter .]
a student in massachusetts Pled guilty Thursday to charges That he falsified his academic Record to get into harvard.
According to my sources, he was Sentenced to four years at Cornell.
[ laughter .]
this has been a joke for fair Harvard.
[ laughter .]
it was announced that Scarlett johansson and ryan Reynolds have separated which is Unfortunate because they're Probably the on ones to have a Chance with either of them.
a new restaurant has opened In china that uses robots as Waiters.
Because that's what the chinese Should be working on, ways to Make their 10 trillion people Unnecessary.
[ laughter .]
well, it's the last show Before christmas.
So, here now with a holiday Message, my three closest Friends in the world, snooki, Stefan, and Governor david paterson.
[ cheers and applause .]
o christmas tree O christmas tree Thy leaves are so Unchanging o christmas tree O christmas tree Thy leaves Are so unchanging not only green When summer's here But also when it's cold And drear o christmas tree O christmas tree Thy leaves are so unchanging are we swaying? What's happening here? [ laughter .]
this is fun, drunk leopard.
[ laughter .]
o christmas tree O christmas tree O evergreen unchanging a symbol of good will And love You'll ever be unchanging when that thing that jack Elves have like The pony keg check And they bang their little baby Hammer and start tapping.
[ laughter .]
o christmas tree O christmas tree You'll ever be unchanging are we going to smush? I have a girlfriend, sorry.
happy holidays to everyone! Except new jersey.
[ laughter .]
for "weekend update," I'm Seth meyers.
Happy holidays! And good night! [ cheers and applause .]
you're watching turner Classic movies.
welcome back to turner Classic movies.
I'm ben makowitz.
Tonight, we look at 1946's "it's A wonderful life.
" The classic film that tells the Story of george bailey, played By jimmy stewart, who receives a Lesson in optimism from his Fellow man at christmastime.
But it wasn't always that way.
The film was originally made as A hanukkah movie called "this You call a wonderful life?" [ laughter .]
No footage of the hanukkah Version has ever been seen until Now.
happy hanukkah! Happy hanukkah, everybody! Happy hanukkah! Happy hanukkah, greenberg's Delicatessen! Happy hanukkah, you wonderful, Old coen's brassieres.
Happy hanukkah to everyone is Scarsdale! mary! Mary! What's going on? What's everyone doing here? george, when people heard Your building was in trouble, They all came over.
wow, all of you are here in My time of need to bring me some Hope.
hope? It's hopeless.
You've been accused of Embezzlement.
This is a catastrophe! this isn't very helpful.
You're making me more nervous.
george, don't worry.
When we heard you were in Trouble, we snapped into action.
you mean you chipped in and Brought the $8,000 I owe? no, we brought food.
[ laughter .]
I brought two types of arugula.
And a chocolate bar.
Do you have any coffee? none made.
she asks 40 people to her House and she doesn't think to Make coffee? well, I brought half a pound Of lox's spread from herschel's, The best! again with the herschel's! Their corned beef is too fatty! if it's so fatty, get the Leap! They have lean! while "it's a wonderful life" Displayed the hope and optimism Of christmas, This film displayed the anxiety Of a hanukkah gathering.
For example, the argument you Just saw over a deli lasts for 43 minutes.
[ laughter .]
Fun fact, only jimmy stewart was Miced.
The other actors in the film Required no amplification.
all right, all right.
I'll give you the goldman's Makes a decent pickle.
thank you.
but herschel's is better for Groups! okay.
Everyone quiet down! Quiet down.
Enough complaints about the Food.
Why do you keep going to these Restaurants if you don't like Them? Not complaining.
hey, everyone, listen up.
George, you got a telegram from Your old pal, sam wineberg.
good.
Oh, good.
Hee haw sam.
He'll help save my business.
"dear george.
Stop.
This telegram crook charges by The word.
Stop.
" And that's it.
[ laughter .]
oh, no.
This holiday is turning into a Real downer.
What am I going to do? don't worry, the rabbi's Here! this is a great honor.
The rabbi only comes to Everything.
[ light laughter .]
shalom, george.
You may be troubles, But at this time remember the Meaning of hanukkah.
They only had enough oil for one Night, but it lasted for eight.
Some miracles can happen, you See.
Pass the manischewitz.
thank you, rabbi.
a toast, to george bailey.
The nicest guy in town.
yay! you hear that bell? daddy! what is it? what is it, zhu, zhu? doctor berstein says that Every time you hear a ringing You should get your prostate Checked.
this you call a wonderful Life? after several set screenings, It was decided that the Christmas version was more Uplifting, and "this you call a Wonderful life?" was shelved.
The film's director went on to Try a hanukah version of "a Miracle on 34th street" called Make "a mitzvah on west 84th street.
" [ laughter .]
For turner classic movies, I'm Ben makowitz.
[ cheers and applause .]
announcer: Up next on the Sundance channel, a new series With actor jeff bridges.
I'm known in hollywood for Many things.
My commitment to the draft and My love of Practical jokes.
Now, you're invited to ride Along as I put my own spin on a Celebrity prank show.
Look out, hollywood, you're About to get "jeff'd"! There's no greater american Actor than my "big lebowski" Costar sam elliott.
The guy, well, he's just a war Horse.
And I consider him a brother.
But he can get pretty touchy When it comes to his clothes Which is why I decided to prank Him at the dry cleaner.
Check it out.
I'm picking up dry Cleaning for sam elliott.
There seems to be a mistake.
This is a dress and I dropped Off a suit.
this is the ticket you gave Me.
all right, stevie.
Don't torture the dude.
It's a prank, sam.
[ light laughter .]
You're on "jeff'd"! It doesn't matter.
It's all staged.
well, I'll be.
You're doing your own prank show Now, bridges? yeah, it's a blast.
I'll bet it is.
Hey, how you been otherwise, old Friend? oh, I've been good.
Yeah, I've been doing the whole Holiday thing with the family.
I know it.
[ light laughter .]
we got sam pretty good, huh? Now, I knew it would be a lot Harder to prank my "crazy heart" Co-star maggie gyllenhaal, but I Think we pulled it off.
Take a look.
hi.
I was told I had a fax at the Front desk.
yes, I think I have that Right here.
roses? What is this? it's a prank, honey.
[ laughter .]
Come here.
so sweet.
you just keep being you, Darling.
oh, man, I love pranking People.
The look on their face when they Think something's going to Happen and I come out and tell Them it's fine, it's such a Rush.
Now, next up is my "blown away" Co-star forest whitaker.
Forest, he always boards his dog When he leaves town.
I thought he could have a little Fun on the picking up side of Things.
I'm here to pick up my dog.
Hey, this is a cat! of course it's a cat.
Man, you're "jeff'd"! [ laughs .]
jeff, I came here for my dog, And they have given me a cat.
forest, forest, it was a Prank, man, but it's over.
It's over.
is my dog inside this cat? [ laughter .]
guys, maybe we should show Him the dog? I feel like if he sees The dog and the cat next to each Other, that's going to help him Out.
Come on.
[ laughter .]
Okay.
You ready? Everyone in hollywood has a limo Driver who talks their ear off, Right? So I figured why not pretend to Be a chauffeur myself.
And give billy bob thornton a Ride he'll never forget.
I'm going to l.
A.
X.
Terminal 4, southwest airlines.
I can't drive you there, man.
I'm jeff bridges.
am I on "jeff'd"? yeah, we're doing the whole Fake limo thing.
you made a horse's ass out of Me on television? hey, man, you got "jeff'd.
" It happens to the best of us.
start the car and drive to The desert.
I've got a gun pointed at you.
you're pulling a gun, because You got "jeff'd"? I had the gun out before I Knew I was on "jeff'd.
" I'm just kidding.
I'm billy bob! Anyway, tune in for the next Episode of "jeff'd" when we Bring kris kristofferson an iced Tea instead of the arnold palmer He ordered.
[ laughs .]
Ah, that's messed up, but, hey, Man, so am I.
[ cheers and applause .]
once again, eminem and Lil wayne! [ cheers and applause .]
you can sound the alarm You can call out your guards You can fence in your yard You can pull all the cards but I won't back down Oh, no I wont back down Oh, no cadillac sevilles Coupe devilles Brain dead rims Yeah stupid wheels girl I'm too for real Lose your tooth and nails Try to fight it Try to deny it stupid you will feel What I do I do at will shooting from the hip Yeah boy shoot to kill Half a breath left On my death bed screaming eff that Yeah super ill baby what the deal We can chill Split half a pill And a happy meal a steak cut my toes off And step on the receipt Before I foot the bill listen garden tool Don't make me introduce You to my power tool you know the drill How you douche bags feel Knowing you're disposable Summers eve massengill shady's got the mass Appeal baby crank the 'cause it's your jam you say that you want your Punch lines a Little more compact Well shawty I'm that man these other cats a'int Metaphorically where I'm at man I gave bruce wayne A valium and said Settle ya ass down I'm ready for combat man get it calm batman Nah, a'int nobody whose As bomb and as nuts rymes are like Mom's cat scans 'cause they go Ba-na-nas honey I applaud that ass Swear to god man these Broads can't dance ma show 'em how it's done Spazz like taz, yeah you can sound the alarm You can call out your guards You can fence in your yard You can pull all the cards but I won't back down Oh, no I wont back down Oh, no girl shake that ass Like a donkey With parkinson's make like michael j.
Fox Is in your drawers Playin' with An etch-a-sketch bet you that you'll Never guess who's Knocking at your door People hit the floors yeah tonight ladies You gonna get divorced girl forget remorse I'ma hit you broads with Chris's force like You pissed him off talented with the tongue You aint gotta lick in yours Hittin' licks like I'm robbing liquor stores makin' cash registers Their draws think you spit the raw I'm an uncooked slab of beef Laying on your kitchen floor other words I'm off The meat rack Bring the beat back bring Me two extension chords I'ma measure my I need six inches more need I remind you That I don't need The swine flu To be a sick pig you're addicted I'm dope I'm the longest needle Around here need a fix up I'm the big shot get it nuts Your just small boats Little girl you think that Other hot I'll drink gasoline And eat a lit match 'fore I sit back And let 'em get hot Better call the cops on 'em Quick, fast shady's right back White trash with half A six pack in his hatchback trailer hitched attached To the back you can sound the alarm You can call out your guards You can fence in your yard You can pull all the cards but I won't back down Oh, no I wont back down Oh, no [ cheers and applause .]
okay excuse my charisma Vodka with a spritzer Swagger down pat Just call it patricia young money militia And I am the commissioner you don't want start weezy 'cause the "f" Is for finisher so misunderstood But what's a world Without enigma? two women at the same time Got the girl twisted 'cause She open when you twist her never met the girl But I acted like I missed her Life is the witch And death is her sister sleep is the cousin What a family picture You know father time We all know mother nature it's all in the family But I am of no relation No matter who's buying I'm a celebration black and white diamonds No segregation Put all of my money up You guys are honey nut young money running it And you guys are runner-ups I don't feel I done enough so I'ma keep on Doing this Lil tunechi Or young tuna fish Make some noise I'm going back in Okay I lost my mind It's somewhere Out there stranded I think you stand under Me if you don't understand me Had my heart broken By this woman named tammy but women gonna be women So I couldn't blame tammy just talked to moms Told her she the sweetest I beat the beat up Call it self defense swear I be seeing through These fools like sequins And if they think they he-men Pow, pow, the end talking to myself because I am my own consultant Married to the money The world, that's adultery you full of You close your mouth And let yo talk young money eating All them haters do is Add salt stop playing with me Got this game on deadbolt Mind so sharp I mess around And cut my head off real all day And tomorrow but these Talking crazy Like they jaw broke glass half empty Half full I'll spill ya try me and run into a wall You know I'ma ball until They turn off The field lights the fruits of my labor I enjoy 'em while They still ripe stop playing I do it like a king do If these animals Then I'ma have a mink soon tell 'em I say put My name on the wall I speak the truth But I guess that's a Foreign language to y'all and I call it Like I see it And my glasses on but most of y'all don't Get the picture 'less The flash is on satisfied with nothing You don't know the half of it Young money, cash money paper chasing Tell that paper Look, I'm right behind ya you know real gs move In silence like lasagna people say I'm Borderline crazy Sorta kinda woman of my dreams I don't sleep So I can't find her you guys are gelatin Peanuts to an elephant I got through That sentence like A subject and a predicate with a swag you Would kill for Money too strong Pockets on bodybuilder jumped in a wishing well Now wish me well Tell 'em kiss my -- Call it kiss and tell [ cheers and applause .]
howdy, mr.
Shipley.
howdy, miss dawkins.
I got that sterling silver comb You wanted for your mama for Christmas.
oh, goody.
all right.
That's going to be $22.
60.
Now, do you want that gift Wrapped? gift wrapped? I've never heard of such a Thing.
it's a little service I'm Trying out for the holidays.
My cousin and her special friend Thought it up.
Save yourself time having to Wrap it at home.
You'll be their first customer.
I reckon that sounds all Right.
So I give this to you? oh, wow! What a fancy comb.
oh neat comb.
this is over the top neat.
If I got this for christmas, I'd Shoot stuff out of my fanny.
oh, come on, get to wrapping.
you know what? I'm in a hurry.
Maybe I should get.
don't get without this.
it's awful flashy.
I don't know what to say.
you don't have to say Anything.
Just make your face go like This.
or this.
bye.
Thank you.
thank you.
Bye.
oh.
She was great.
howdy, mr.
Shipley.
howdy, scootch.
What can I do you for? well, I've got to get a Christmas present for my wife.
how about this padded milking Stool.
My last one.
well, what will they think of Next? I'll take it.
would you like that gift Wrapped? I do not know what that Means.
just take it over there.
ooh, a milking stool.
I smell romance.
if I got this for christmas, I'd shoot stuff out of my fanny.
gordon.
I really think I would.
well, it's getting dark and I'm going to have to get.
You see, my horse is sick, And -- there you go.
I'm at a loss for words.
who needs words? Just make your face go like This.
or like this.
I can't walk down the street Carrying this.
I could get shot.
how about thank you? you are rude.
I guess I'll just have to Hope for the best.
[ gunshots .]
oh, he got shot.
Good job, you two.
This whole gift-wrapping thing Ain't really panning out.
[ gun shots .]
that's right.
Give me all your money unless You want to end up like that Fellow I just shot outside.
he was getting a christmas Present for his wife.
I don't care about christmas.
No one ever gave nothing to me.
we've got to do something.
I've got an idea.
Hey.
Can we talk to you over here In the gift-wrapping department? what department? Where? You best just shut your trap While he fills them there bags.
hey, you.
We've had about enough of this.
what the -- you're going to get it, get It good.
Oh, no.
Oh, my god.
This is the first gift I've ever Done got given to me inside of My hands here.
It's so beautiful.
This entire christmas just Flashed before me.
Thank you, weirdos.
Thank you.
you did it.
now that is the magic of Christmas.
I think I love you, corvin.
you know that's not Happening.
[ cheers and applause .]
and now a holiday message From the kardashians.
[ in unison .]
hey, everybody.
hi.
I'm kim, and in the spirit of The holiday, I'm dressed as sexy Santa.
I'm kourtney, and I'm also Dressed as sexy santa.
and I'm khloe, and I'm Dressed as santa.
[ laughter .]
[ in unison .]
ho, ho, ho!.
[ laughter .]
after such a busy year, we Wanted to take some time off From doing -- whatever it is we Do to wish everyone happy Holidays.
so to all our friends, merry Christmas.
to all our agents and Managers, happy hanukkah.
[ laughter .]
and to all our boyfriends, Have a great kwanzaa.
[ laughter .]
we've been having so much fun At the kardashian household this Year.
We even went to visit santa.
I sat on his lap and told him What I wanted.
I did the same thing with Reggie bush.
[ laughter .]
I got a rolex.
[ laughter .]
this year literally count Your blessings.
I'm thankful for a new line of Perfume.
I'm thankful for our workout Dvd.
and I'm thankful that four Years ago my sister made a sex Tape with brandy's brother, and Now our whole family has seen It.
I had fun.
in conclusion, literally Merry christmas from me.
and me.
and us.
me and my buds.
Butt.
this has been a holiday Message from the kardashians.
[ applause .]
thanks to eminem, lil wayne, Cookie monster! Happy birthday! "Saturday night live" cast and Crew!
But with the new year come new Hope.
And I bet if you went around This nation tonight, you'd find A lot of tho democrats Dreaming about better headlines In 2011.
Oh, indeed, I bet you would.
I concede you'll never be real to me but I can dream can't I can't I pretend for dreams are Just like wine And I am drunk with mine I'm aware my heart is a sad affair There's much Disillusion there but I can dream, can't I can't I adore you though we are oceans apart I can't make you open your Heart but I can dream can't I I can dream, can't I and me? Well, I guess my only wish would Be for congress to pass some Comprehensive climate change Legislation before my ass melts.
Have a holly jolly christmas, And live from new york, it's Saturday night! [ cheers and applause .]
announcer: It's "Saturday Night live"! With fred armisen Abby elliott Bill hader Seth meyers Bobby moynihan Andy samberg Jason sudeikis Kenan thompson Kristen wiig Featuring -- Vanessa bayer Paul brittain Taran killam Nasim pedrad Jay pharoah Musical guest -- Enimem and lil' wayne, and your Host -- Jeff bridges.
Ladies and gentlemen, Jeff bridges! Captions paid for by nbc-universal television -- Captions by vitac -- [ cheers and applause .]
thank you very much! It's great to be here.
You know, the last time that I Hosted this show was in 1983.
Do you believe that? Yeah.
I guess I did a pretty good job Considering how fast they had me Back.
[ laughter .]
Mostly I've been making movies For the last 27 years.
[ cheers and applause .]
I've been blessed to Play a lot of amazing roles in Some great, great films.
But of all those roles, the one I get recognized for the most is The dude.
[ cheers and applause .]
But I have to say, it's kind of A bummer, man, Because, you know, well, that's Not me, right? Because the dude, he's a Character, right? And I'm -- well, you know, I'm Jeff bridges, a real person.
The dude, he has Trouble, you know, expressing Himself.
[ light laughter .]
And I -- well, I don't.
[ light laughter .]
So yeah, you know.
But I'm back.
I'm excited.
And even more excited that it's Christmas.
And, you know, christmas, hey, Come on.
It's all about giving.
It's about friends, right? [ cheers and applause .]
And I've got a really good Friend who always wanted to be On this show.
And I thought it would be nice If we made his christmas wish Come true.
So come on out, buddy.
Come on.
dom de dom dom.
[ cheers and applause .]
hey, what's up, the dude? come on.
I'm not the dude.
me joking.
Me joking.
he's always Busting my chops.
aw.
hey, cook.
yeah? you want to do a tune? oh, me would love that.
Okay.
[ cheers and applause .]
city sidewalks Busy sidewalks Dressed in holiday style yeah! in the air there's A feeling of christmas very nice.
children laughing People passing Meeting smile after smile and on every street Corner you hear silver bells Silver bells Silver bells Silver bells it's christmastime In the city yeah! ring-a-ling Ring-a-ling Hear them ring Hear them ring soon it will be Christmas day so cook -- yeah? what do you want for Christmas, man? an ipad.
Really.
Me no kidding.
For cookie! [ cheers and applause .]
dreams of streetlights see them stoplights Blink bright red and green as the shoppers run home with Their treasures big "c" and above all the Bustle you hear silver bells blink blink blink Boing boink boink it's christmastime in the City ring-a-ling ring ring ring ring hear them ring soon it will be christmas Day silver bells silver bells silver bells silver bells soon it will be christmas Day [ cheers and applause .]
hey, cook.
I've got a present for you at my House.
oh, Boy, Oh, boy, oh, boy.
not only half, but a whole Cookie! twice as good! Cookie! Nom, nom, nom, nom.
Nom, nom, nom.
we've got a great show for you Tonight.
yeah.
eminem and lil' wayne are Here.
[ cheers and applause .]
stick around.
We'll be right back! and now a message from mark Zuckerberg.
hello.
I'm mark zuckerberg.
On Tuesday afternoon I was named "time" magazine's person of the Year.
While this is a great honor for Me, I could not have Accomplished it without the half A billion users who make up Facebook's social network.
hello again.
It's me, julian assange.
You may have heard I was Released from a british prison On bail Thursday.
Tonight I would like to take a Moment to congratulate "time" Magazine on its selection of Mark zukckerberg as person of te Year.
"time" magazine, always on the Cutting edge, discovering Facebook only weeks after your Grandmother.
Let's take a look at The differences between mark Zuckerberg and I.
I give you private information On corporations for free and I'm A villain.
Mark zuckerberg gives your Private information to Corporations for money, and he's Man of the year.
Yeah.
Thanks to wikileaks, you can see How corporate governments Operate in the shadows and then Lie to those who elect them.
Thanks to facebook, you can Finally figure out which "sex & The city" character you are.
I'm a samantha, but if the Swedish police ask, I'm a Charlotte.
Ooh.
In order to make a movie about Mark zuckerberg interesting, They had to make stuff up.
In order to make a movie about Me, just rate it "r.
" You'll have to Leave stuff out.
Ooh.
Perhaps in the end "time" chose Mark zuckerberg because he was The more dynamic choice.
Let's check back in with him.
and I think we can all agree That's an algorithm for fun.
[ laughter and applause .]
in conclusion, a final Reminder that no matter how I Die, even if there's a video of Me peacefully dying of natural Causes, it was murder.
And here's a status update -- Democracy is dead.
Happy holidays! [ cheers and applause .]
hey y'all, it's "the miley Cyrus show" with me, miley Cyrus.
I've got guests And a show and I'm ready To go so I guess That's pretty cool it's pretty cool [ cheers and applause .]
so it's miley, y'all.
This is just like my show where I like talk to people who are Pretty cool and, like, talk About things I think are pretty Cool.
And yeah, it's pretty cool.
And the miley cyrus band over Here.
We've got my dad, billy ray Cyrus.
[ cheers and applause .]
hey.
Miley, you're a christmas Miracle, baby.
thanks, dad.
Okay.
So today for my comedy monologue I thought we'd do this real Funny segment where we take Pictures of two celebrities and We put them together and see What it would look like if those Celebrities had a baby.
We call it what if we took two Celebrities and put them Together and then what would it Look like if they had a baby? What would it look like if tom Cruise had a baby with katie Holmes? I bet it would look something Like this.
[ laughter .]
So that's pretty cool.
that's hilarious.
You're like a pretty little Carlos mencia.
so, as you may have heard in The news, I recently had a very Serious five-minute drug Problem.
My friend videotaped me smoking A legal drug called salvia.
And the video ended up on tmz.
I'd like to introduce you to a Segment called here's what Happened when I took drugs.
I got really high, like really High.
It was crazy, y'all.
I started hallucinating and I Thought my body was made of Dominos and then all the dominos Started falling down.
And I was, like, hey, where's my Body? It was pretty weird but also Pretty cool.
So I guess the moral of the Story is, don't let your friend Videotape you when you're doing Stuff.
[ laughter .]
miley, sweetie, you're my Role model.
so my guest tonight is a Pretty cool actor who has also Been the subject of media Controversy.
Please give a give shello to Nick nolte.
[ applause .]
I'm pretty good.
So nick nolte, I've been a fan Of yours since I saw "tropic Thunder" when I was a toddler.
But you've also had a personal Scandal that was made public by The media.
oh, sure.
I walked down some dark paths, Wrestled some nasty demons.
yeah.
Me, too.
So there is, like, something I Really want to ask you.
Like how did you recover from Your media scandal, and like how Did you get back into movies, And like what's your favorite Movie, and like is prison fun, And like who's your best friend From prison, and do you believe In santa, and are you 100 years Old? miley, Here's all I've got to say.
If you're ever tempted to drink Or do drugs, just take a look at My mug shot.
[ laughter .]
wow! Don't worry.
I looked pretty crazy when I was On drugs, too.
Let's show that photo.
[ laughter .]
Oh, my god, that is so Embarrassing.
Anyway, nick.
I wanted something positive to Come out of the kinds of Experiences we both had.
So I recently starred in a very Serious after-school special About the dangers of drug use.
Do you want to see a clip? I'd love to.
let's roll that clip.
want to get high and smoke Drugs? It'll make you more popular with All the popular kids and stuff Like that.
oh, my god.
There is so much peer pressure On me.
And like I want to be popular Really bad but I also want to Think about my future.
And say other drugs and whatnot.
So I think what I'm going to say Is no way.
nick nolte, what did you Think? I think it's pretty damn Great.
that was so raw.
dad.
Well, that's our show.
I thought it was pretty real but Also pretty cool.
Say no to drugs y'all.
Come on, band.
I got guests and a show and to drugs I'll say no so I guess that's pretty Cool it's pretty cool [ cheers and applause .]
sometimes something Beautiful Happens in this world you don't know How to express Yourself so you've just Got to sing I just had sex and it felt so good felt so good I wanted to put my penis Inside of her I just had sex and I'll never go back have you ever had sex I have it felt great it felt so good When I did it With my penis a girl let me do it it literally just happened having sex can make A nice man the meanest now guess where I just came From I had sex if I had to describe the Feeling it was the best when I had the sex man my penis felt great and I called my Parents right After I was done oh hey Didn't see you there Guess what I just did had sex undressed saw her boobies and the rest well that was sure nice Of her to let you do that Thing nicest baby girl ever Now sing I just had sex and it felt so good felt so good I put my penis inside of her tell the world to be honest I'm surprised she even Wanted me to do it doesn't really make sense but man, screw it I don't want to argue With a good thing she could be my wife that good the best 30 seconds of my Life to let me do it 'cause honestly I'd have Sex with a pile Of manure I like girls better she let me wear my chain And my turtleneck sweater dedicated to them girls Near or far We want to take you all And thank you all for [ bleep .]
You she kept looking at her Watch doesn't matter Have sex but I cried the whole time doesn't matter Had sex I think she might have been a Racist doesn't matter Had sex she put a bag on my head I just had sex and my dreams came true to have sex in the last 30 minutes And you want to -- I just had sex and it felt so good we all had sex I put my small Penis inside of her I just had sex and it felt so good and I'll never go back it felt so great [ cheers and applause .]
welcome to "larry king live.
" If you're watching in hd, I Apologize.
[ laughter .]
As you know, we had a Star-studded final episode on Thursday with some of The biggest names in my rolodex, Like susan boyle and the judds And the elusive donald trump, I know that I said I was done, But I couldn't leave without Thanking some of the people that Have made this show so great.
First up, the shiniest man in Show business, jermaine jackson.
[ light laughter .]
hello, my friends.
you look like a new shoe.
[ light laughter .]
They were here on Tuesday and Now they're back, the judds.
hi, larry.
I had to have you back.
We barely scratched the surface.
Making his 10,000th appearance, dog the Bounty hunter.
[ light laughter .]
good to be here, larry.
you're the Smartest man I know, you chase Down criminals trying to avoid Capture.
Have you thought about changing Your look to something less Recognizable? this is my look, larry.
Very few people look like a Burnt hulk hogan.
[ laughter .]
it's beautiful.
You have the niagara falls of Mullets.
[ light laughter .]
Now, jermaine jackson, we've Spoken many times over the Years.
Yet there's so much I know about You.
Are you an only child? Do you have siblings? [ laughter .]
well, yes, I do, larry.
I was one of the jackson 5.
It's what most people know me For.
I wonder how we've never Touched on that.
well, we've come close but You normally gear the Conversation towards balloon boy Or lindsay lohan Or anna nicole smith.
oh, yeah, the mt.
Rushmore of News stories.
The judds, there's always one Question I've wanted to ask you.
Which one of you is the mother And which one is the daughter? I'm the mother.
whoa! I just lost 10 bucks and I Suddenly feel weird.
a lot of people make that Mistake.
It's a bosom thing.
you two have had a long, Publicly drawn-out family drama.
You're like the kennedys If they sold fireworks by the Highway.
thank you, larry.
we love you, larry.
thank you.
larry, I think I speak for All of us when I say we'll miss You so much.
So much.
dog, don't cry.
no one else interviews me.
it's very weird when you cry.
It's very weird when you cry.
You've done it before.
you're my only friend.
it's like a sasquatch who Found a dead bird and doesn't Understand.
for the past 31 years.
I forgive you, you lovable Monster.
Now, jermaine, you look at the Judds here, a mother and a Daughter making music together.
Do you ever wish your family was In show business? well, my whole family's in Show business.
next question.
Where were you when you got the Call that anna nicole smith was Dead? well, I was at home.
And you called me.
[ laughter .]
that's right.
larry, I hope you don't mind If I turn the tables, but what Is the secret to doing a show Every single night for almost 30 years? I stick to a strict routine.
Every day, I wake up an hour and A half after I tape my show.
[ laughter .]
I get five different newspapers And read them until I'm done With my farting.
And then I'm ready to get out of Bed.
Now, here's where things get Tricky.
My pajamas look remarkably like My clothes.
So there's a lot of confusion.
I go for my walk.
I slaughter a ram as per my deal With god.
[ light laughter .]
And then I return calls.
Around this time the sun starts To rise -- I'm being told we're running out Of time.
Oh, no.
Well, this has definitely been The best show of My career.
Thanks to all of you who Watched.
In two weeks, I'll be retired on A nude beach in trinidad.
Spoiler alert.
When I'm naked, I look like e.
T.
[ laughter .]
Before we go out, tony bennett Sang to me on Thursday.
I wanted to know if you would Sing to me tonight.
well, sure, larry.
we'd love to.
not you.
Dog the bounty hunter.
I'd be honored, larry.
and now The end is near And so I face The final curtain my friend I'll say it clear I'll state my case dog, don't cry.
[ cheers and applause .]
under underground records is Back.
what up, yo? I'm deejay super soak.
and I'm little blaster, and In case you didn't notice, it's That crazy-ass time of year Again.
both: Crunkmas.
and we here at under Underground records say it's Time to ho-ho celebrate.
announcing the first ever Crunkmas carnival.
there's gone that gonna be Tons of live, Underground rap and rock music, Yo.
you want christmas music? These bands will make santa Puke.
There's going to be dump, Homeless wedding, frog blast, Mary poopins, third eye blind, But snack, boyzii and scrotum Fire.
oh, yeah.
Scrotum fire! They're my ninjas.
Always throwing burning Scarecrows into the crowd.
ha-ha! And you best not need medical Attention, yo.
Because the first aid pit is -- full of snakes! [ laughter .]
once you're in you can't Leave because -- all exits are padlocked! luckily, you're locked in With some dope special guests, Like wrestler coco beware.
comedian phil spector.
the star of "spaceballs," Pizza the hut.
and former "donkey kong" Champion billy mitchell Challenging you to a mayonnaise Fight.
mayonnaise fight! and we're finally going to Give our deceased friend ass dan The wiggety wake he deserves.
yeah, you know I'm still Alive, bitch! [ laughter .]
it isn't all about fun, yo.
no, we're going to bust some Charity on you ninjas.
and here to tell you more is Mc george costanza.
yo, instead of toys for tots.
We've got our own program.
It's called whack ass junk for Immigrants.
whack ass junk for Immigrants! [ laughter .]
yeah.
We're giving them the stuff kids Don't want.
So, bring us your leaky Batteries, your broke-ass mix Tape, and expired tylenol, and We'll give you a free -- -- punch in the stomach! [ laughter .]
we've got mad special events, Like a dog tug-of-war.
and a 2-d screening of "the Owls of ga'hoole.
" [ laughter .]
don't miss a very special Panel how asian-americans can Break into entertainment.
[ laughter .]
and check it, we've reunited The entire cast of "growing Pains" yo.
Except kirk cameron, Alan thicke, tracey gold, and Jeremy miller.
we've got the mom! [ laughter .]
and you know we've got loose Hawks flying all over this Bitch! The crunkmas carnival takes Place February 13th through The 15th at where else? The metrodome.
the metrodome! [ laughter .]
See you ninjas there! [ cheers and applause .]
ladies and gentlemen, eminem And lil' wayne! [ cheers and applause .]
don't hurt me don't hurt me no more Throw dirt on me and Grow a wildflower But it's [ bleep .]
the world get a child out her Yeah, my life a bitch But you know nothing About her been to hell and back I can show you vouchers I'm rolling sweets I'm smoking sour married to the game But she broke her vows That's why my bars are Full of broken bottles and my night stands are Full of open bibles I think about more Than I forget but I don't go around Fire expecting not to sweat And these fools know I lay 'em down make you beg And if they try to kick me While I'm down I'll break your leg money outweighing Problems on the triple beam I'm sticking to the script I've seen them Skipping scenes be good or be good at it All right, I got my gun Semi-cartermatic Yeah It's [ bleep .]
what they say Up and away, man I come down in A couple of days Ok, you want me up in The cage then I'll come out in beast-mode I got this world stuck In the safe Combination is the g-code it's weezy [ bleep .]
Blood gang and I'm in bleed mode All about my dough but I don't even Check the peephole So you can keep knocking but won't knock me down No love lost, no love found It's a little too late to Say that you're sorry now you kicked me when I was down [ bleep .]
what you say Just don't hurt me it don't hurt me And I don't need you no more Don't want to see you No more And you get no love You showed me nothing but hate You ran me into the ground But what comes around Goes around and you don't hurt me You don't hurt me, no more And I don't need you no more Don't wanna see you you get no love Yeah Yeah Yeah you get no love Yeah Yeah Yeah and I don't need you No more I'm alive again More alive than I have been In my whole entire life I can see these people's ears perk up as I begin To spaz with the pen I'm a little bit sicker Than most [ bleep .]
fixin' to get thick again They say the competition [ bleep .]
from This [ bleep .]
now I stick it in I ain't never giving in again Caution to the wind Complete freedom look at these rappers How I treat them So why the [ bleep .]
Would I join them when I beat them They call me a freak 'cause I like to spit on these [ bleep .]
'fore I eat them man, get these whack Where the [ bleep .]
is kanye When you need him snatch the mic from 'em I'mma let you finish In a minute, yeah The rap was tight but I'm 'bout to spit The greatest verse of all Time so you might want To go back to the lab tonight and Scribble out them rhymes You were going to spit and Start over from scratch and write new ones But I'm afraid that it Ain't gonna make No difference when I rip this stage and Tear it in half tonight It's an adrenaline rush To feel the bass thump in the place all the way To the parking lot, fellow Set fire to the mic and Ignite the crowd you can see the sparks From hot metal Cold-hearted from the day I bogarted the game I self started a roc fellow When I'm not even in my Harshest you can still get roasted 'cause marsh Is not mellow 'til I'm toppling from The top I'm not going to stop I'm staying on my Monopoly board That means I'm on top of my Game and it don't stop 'til my hip don't Hop anymore When you so good that you Can't say it 'cause it ain't even Cool for you to sound Cocky anymore people just get sick 'cause you spit, these Fools can't drool or Dribble a drop anymore and you can never break My stride, you never slow The momentum at any moment I'm about to blow You'll never take my pride Killing the flow, slow Venom and the opponent is getting no mercy Mark my words ain't Letting up relentless I smell blood I don't give a [ bleep .]
Keep giving them hell Where was you when I Fell and needed help up you get no love It's a little too late to Say that you're sorry now You kicked me when I was down [ bleep .]
What you say, just Don't hurt me It don't hurt me that's right Don't hurt me And I don't need you no more I don't wanna see you You get no love You showed me nothing But hate, you ran me Into the ground but what comes Around goes around And you don't hurt me You don't hurt me and I don't need you no more Don't wanna see you You get no love you get no love Yeah Yeah Yeah and I don't need you No more You get no love Yeah yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah you get no love Yeah Yeah Yeah and I don't need you You get no love [ cheers and applause .]
"weekend update" with Seth meyers.
[ cheers and applause .]
good evening, I'm seth meyers And here are tonight's top Stories.
earlier today, don't ask, Don't tell was repealed in a Senate vote.
With 65 voting yay and 31 voting "I'm old!" julian assange, the founder Of wikileaks, was freed on bail Thursday and set to stay at a Luxurious mansion in the english Countryside.
So, is he under arrest, or is he On "the bachelorette"? [ laughter .]
president obama said Thursday that the u.
S.
Is on Track to achieve its goals in Afghanistan, but that the gains In many areas are fragile and Reversible.
Which may be true, but it sure Makes for a super crappy banner.
new york governor David paterson said Monday that He thinks the state may not be Governable, which is kind of Like danny devito saying that a Basketball is undunkable.
[ laughter .]
Inchtz a spokesman for walmart said It looks to open a store in new York.
It will have to be scaled down a Tad.
this week, republican National chairman michael steele Surprised everyone by announcing That he would run for a second Term, despite heavy opposition Within his own party.
Here to explain is michael Steele.
[ cheers and applause .]
what's up, seth? In the house, holla! when 2010 came, many thought You would gracefully step down.
I've been down with the tea To the party since back in the Day.
Much love to the competition.
Holla.
so you're a tea partier now? always have been.
All my mama grizzly sisters know What I'm talking about.
mr.
Steele, you have to admit That a second term will be an Uphill battle for you.
I mean, after several scandals, Republicans thought you would Take a hint and just step aside.
my fellow republicans love Me, seth.
We get along great.
We play pranks on each other.
The other day they had changed My locks and moved out all my Furniture.
are you sure that was a Prank? most def, seth.
The rnc thinks I'm the bomb.
Do you know I've never received A christmas present from my Fellow republicans? But this year I got a nice set Of luggage and a ticket to Anywhere.
That's anywhere in the world, Seth.
what are you going to tell Republicans that you've Accomplished these last few Years? let's look at one of my Biggest goals.
When I took over, minorities Were voting republicans.
Now just two short years later, We're known as the party of Angry white people who want to Take their country back.
Minorities, come on down.
Holla! do you really think you're Changing the republican party? it doesn't matter.
I'm a black republican.
Where am I going to go? We are a strong steady face for This party.
Not someone who's going to cry Like a beotch like john boehner.
People are coming late or not at All.
That's how I roll.
michael steele, everyone.
[ cheers and applause .]
experts in egypt are saying That a series of shark attacks On a popular beach were the Result of livestock traders Throwing carcasses into the Coastal waters.
Too bad because if it weren't For the sharks, that beach full Of floating carcasses sounds Like a really nice vacation Spot.
archaeologists are china Have discovered a 2400-year-old Pot of soup.
Apparently even the ancient Chinese had trouble throwing out Leftover chinese.
mtv announced part of its New year's eve special, snooki Will be placed inside a ball That drops in times square.
Though I have a feeling this Isn't the first party snooki has Spent drunkenly going down on Something while people cheered.
nick cannon revealed Thursday that he and Mariah carey are having twins.
And president obama and his wife Were among the first people they Told.
So the president doesn't have Enough on his plate.
Now he's got to act interested When nick cannon talks to him.
[ laughter .]
the midwest was rocked by Heavy snowfall and the northeast Is bracing for a nor'easter.
Here with our forecast, our new "weekend update" meteorologist, Brad pitt.
thank you, seth.
Very happy to be here.
brad, what can holiday Travelers expect next week? well, we've had a rough Starpt start To winter.
And nothing makes travel worse Than bad weather.
Bad! Now, you can see starting in the Midwest, you've got a cold front Coming down from the north.
And that means more snow.
Bad.
brad, the midwest has been Hit pretty hard.
Looks like it's going to be a Ch Chilly winter.
if you're looking to shake The snow off your boots, you'll Want to head down to the Southwest.
I'm talking about a heat Wave Phoenix looking at a high of 75.
Santa fe, 81.
And palm springs, up to 90.
Bad! You want to make sure to lather On that spf.
Protect the skin.
Bad.
Of course, when you're down There, you're just a hop, skip And a jump from baja, mexico.
When we filmed, guess what, Seth? the mexicans? no, "troy.
" brad, baby.
angelina! I got you a christmas Present.
oh, I hope it's a kindle.
Not a baby.
Merry christmas, everybody.
Back to you, setherino.
"weekend update" weatherman Brad pitt and angelina jolie, Everyone.
[ cheers and applause .]
lindsay lohan's mother, Dina, said her daughter turned Down an offer to appear on "dancing with the stars" but Suggested to producers they Should bring dina on instead.
She said oh, I couldn't Possibly.
Five, six, seven, eight.
the fda is warning men who Take the male-enhancement man-up Now capsules to stop using them, Because they can lower blood Pressure to dangerous levels.
Though, if you're buying male Enhancement pills at a deli, You're probably not interested In a ton of guidance.
[ laughter .]
a student in massachusetts Pled guilty Thursday to charges That he falsified his academic Record to get into harvard.
According to my sources, he was Sentenced to four years at Cornell.
[ laughter .]
this has been a joke for fair Harvard.
[ laughter .]
it was announced that Scarlett johansson and ryan Reynolds have separated which is Unfortunate because they're Probably the on ones to have a Chance with either of them.
a new restaurant has opened In china that uses robots as Waiters.
Because that's what the chinese Should be working on, ways to Make their 10 trillion people Unnecessary.
[ laughter .]
well, it's the last show Before christmas.
So, here now with a holiday Message, my three closest Friends in the world, snooki, Stefan, and Governor david paterson.
[ cheers and applause .]
o christmas tree O christmas tree Thy leaves are so Unchanging o christmas tree O christmas tree Thy leaves Are so unchanging not only green When summer's here But also when it's cold And drear o christmas tree O christmas tree Thy leaves are so unchanging are we swaying? What's happening here? [ laughter .]
this is fun, drunk leopard.
[ laughter .]
o christmas tree O christmas tree O evergreen unchanging a symbol of good will And love You'll ever be unchanging when that thing that jack Elves have like The pony keg check And they bang their little baby Hammer and start tapping.
[ laughter .]
o christmas tree O christmas tree You'll ever be unchanging are we going to smush? I have a girlfriend, sorry.
happy holidays to everyone! Except new jersey.
[ laughter .]
for "weekend update," I'm Seth meyers.
Happy holidays! And good night! [ cheers and applause .]
you're watching turner Classic movies.
welcome back to turner Classic movies.
I'm ben makowitz.
Tonight, we look at 1946's "it's A wonderful life.
" The classic film that tells the Story of george bailey, played By jimmy stewart, who receives a Lesson in optimism from his Fellow man at christmastime.
But it wasn't always that way.
The film was originally made as A hanukkah movie called "this You call a wonderful life?" [ laughter .]
No footage of the hanukkah Version has ever been seen until Now.
happy hanukkah! Happy hanukkah, everybody! Happy hanukkah! Happy hanukkah, greenberg's Delicatessen! Happy hanukkah, you wonderful, Old coen's brassieres.
Happy hanukkah to everyone is Scarsdale! mary! Mary! What's going on? What's everyone doing here? george, when people heard Your building was in trouble, They all came over.
wow, all of you are here in My time of need to bring me some Hope.
hope? It's hopeless.
You've been accused of Embezzlement.
This is a catastrophe! this isn't very helpful.
You're making me more nervous.
george, don't worry.
When we heard you were in Trouble, we snapped into action.
you mean you chipped in and Brought the $8,000 I owe? no, we brought food.
[ laughter .]
I brought two types of arugula.
And a chocolate bar.
Do you have any coffee? none made.
she asks 40 people to her House and she doesn't think to Make coffee? well, I brought half a pound Of lox's spread from herschel's, The best! again with the herschel's! Their corned beef is too fatty! if it's so fatty, get the Leap! They have lean! while "it's a wonderful life" Displayed the hope and optimism Of christmas, This film displayed the anxiety Of a hanukkah gathering.
For example, the argument you Just saw over a deli lasts for 43 minutes.
[ laughter .]
Fun fact, only jimmy stewart was Miced.
The other actors in the film Required no amplification.
all right, all right.
I'll give you the goldman's Makes a decent pickle.
thank you.
but herschel's is better for Groups! okay.
Everyone quiet down! Quiet down.
Enough complaints about the Food.
Why do you keep going to these Restaurants if you don't like Them? Not complaining.
hey, everyone, listen up.
George, you got a telegram from Your old pal, sam wineberg.
good.
Oh, good.
Hee haw sam.
He'll help save my business.
"dear george.
Stop.
This telegram crook charges by The word.
Stop.
" And that's it.
[ laughter .]
oh, no.
This holiday is turning into a Real downer.
What am I going to do? don't worry, the rabbi's Here! this is a great honor.
The rabbi only comes to Everything.
[ light laughter .]
shalom, george.
You may be troubles, But at this time remember the Meaning of hanukkah.
They only had enough oil for one Night, but it lasted for eight.
Some miracles can happen, you See.
Pass the manischewitz.
thank you, rabbi.
a toast, to george bailey.
The nicest guy in town.
yay! you hear that bell? daddy! what is it? what is it, zhu, zhu? doctor berstein says that Every time you hear a ringing You should get your prostate Checked.
this you call a wonderful Life? after several set screenings, It was decided that the Christmas version was more Uplifting, and "this you call a Wonderful life?" was shelved.
The film's director went on to Try a hanukah version of "a Miracle on 34th street" called Make "a mitzvah on west 84th street.
" [ laughter .]
For turner classic movies, I'm Ben makowitz.
[ cheers and applause .]
announcer: Up next on the Sundance channel, a new series With actor jeff bridges.
I'm known in hollywood for Many things.
My commitment to the draft and My love of Practical jokes.
Now, you're invited to ride Along as I put my own spin on a Celebrity prank show.
Look out, hollywood, you're About to get "jeff'd"! There's no greater american Actor than my "big lebowski" Costar sam elliott.
The guy, well, he's just a war Horse.
And I consider him a brother.
But he can get pretty touchy When it comes to his clothes Which is why I decided to prank Him at the dry cleaner.
Check it out.
I'm picking up dry Cleaning for sam elliott.
There seems to be a mistake.
This is a dress and I dropped Off a suit.
this is the ticket you gave Me.
all right, stevie.
Don't torture the dude.
It's a prank, sam.
[ light laughter .]
You're on "jeff'd"! It doesn't matter.
It's all staged.
well, I'll be.
You're doing your own prank show Now, bridges? yeah, it's a blast.
I'll bet it is.
Hey, how you been otherwise, old Friend? oh, I've been good.
Yeah, I've been doing the whole Holiday thing with the family.
I know it.
[ light laughter .]
we got sam pretty good, huh? Now, I knew it would be a lot Harder to prank my "crazy heart" Co-star maggie gyllenhaal, but I Think we pulled it off.
Take a look.
hi.
I was told I had a fax at the Front desk.
yes, I think I have that Right here.
roses? What is this? it's a prank, honey.
[ laughter .]
Come here.
so sweet.
you just keep being you, Darling.
oh, man, I love pranking People.
The look on their face when they Think something's going to Happen and I come out and tell Them it's fine, it's such a Rush.
Now, next up is my "blown away" Co-star forest whitaker.
Forest, he always boards his dog When he leaves town.
I thought he could have a little Fun on the picking up side of Things.
I'm here to pick up my dog.
Hey, this is a cat! of course it's a cat.
Man, you're "jeff'd"! [ laughs .]
jeff, I came here for my dog, And they have given me a cat.
forest, forest, it was a Prank, man, but it's over.
It's over.
is my dog inside this cat? [ laughter .]
guys, maybe we should show Him the dog? I feel like if he sees The dog and the cat next to each Other, that's going to help him Out.
Come on.
[ laughter .]
Okay.
You ready? Everyone in hollywood has a limo Driver who talks their ear off, Right? So I figured why not pretend to Be a chauffeur myself.
And give billy bob thornton a Ride he'll never forget.
I'm going to l.
A.
X.
Terminal 4, southwest airlines.
I can't drive you there, man.
I'm jeff bridges.
am I on "jeff'd"? yeah, we're doing the whole Fake limo thing.
you made a horse's ass out of Me on television? hey, man, you got "jeff'd.
" It happens to the best of us.
start the car and drive to The desert.
I've got a gun pointed at you.
you're pulling a gun, because You got "jeff'd"? I had the gun out before I Knew I was on "jeff'd.
" I'm just kidding.
I'm billy bob! Anyway, tune in for the next Episode of "jeff'd" when we Bring kris kristofferson an iced Tea instead of the arnold palmer He ordered.
[ laughs .]
Ah, that's messed up, but, hey, Man, so am I.
[ cheers and applause .]
once again, eminem and Lil wayne! [ cheers and applause .]
you can sound the alarm You can call out your guards You can fence in your yard You can pull all the cards but I won't back down Oh, no I wont back down Oh, no cadillac sevilles Coupe devilles Brain dead rims Yeah stupid wheels girl I'm too for real Lose your tooth and nails Try to fight it Try to deny it stupid you will feel What I do I do at will shooting from the hip Yeah boy shoot to kill Half a breath left On my death bed screaming eff that Yeah super ill baby what the deal We can chill Split half a pill And a happy meal a steak cut my toes off And step on the receipt Before I foot the bill listen garden tool Don't make me introduce You to my power tool you know the drill How you douche bags feel Knowing you're disposable Summers eve massengill shady's got the mass Appeal baby crank the 'cause it's your jam you say that you want your Punch lines a Little more compact Well shawty I'm that man these other cats a'int Metaphorically where I'm at man I gave bruce wayne A valium and said Settle ya ass down I'm ready for combat man get it calm batman Nah, a'int nobody whose As bomb and as nuts rymes are like Mom's cat scans 'cause they go Ba-na-nas honey I applaud that ass Swear to god man these Broads can't dance ma show 'em how it's done Spazz like taz, yeah you can sound the alarm You can call out your guards You can fence in your yard You can pull all the cards but I won't back down Oh, no I wont back down Oh, no girl shake that ass Like a donkey With parkinson's make like michael j.
Fox Is in your drawers Playin' with An etch-a-sketch bet you that you'll Never guess who's Knocking at your door People hit the floors yeah tonight ladies You gonna get divorced girl forget remorse I'ma hit you broads with Chris's force like You pissed him off talented with the tongue You aint gotta lick in yours Hittin' licks like I'm robbing liquor stores makin' cash registers Their draws think you spit the raw I'm an uncooked slab of beef Laying on your kitchen floor other words I'm off The meat rack Bring the beat back bring Me two extension chords I'ma measure my I need six inches more need I remind you That I don't need The swine flu To be a sick pig you're addicted I'm dope I'm the longest needle Around here need a fix up I'm the big shot get it nuts Your just small boats Little girl you think that Other hot I'll drink gasoline And eat a lit match 'fore I sit back And let 'em get hot Better call the cops on 'em Quick, fast shady's right back White trash with half A six pack in his hatchback trailer hitched attached To the back you can sound the alarm You can call out your guards You can fence in your yard You can pull all the cards but I won't back down Oh, no I wont back down Oh, no [ cheers and applause .]
okay excuse my charisma Vodka with a spritzer Swagger down pat Just call it patricia young money militia And I am the commissioner you don't want start weezy 'cause the "f" Is for finisher so misunderstood But what's a world Without enigma? two women at the same time Got the girl twisted 'cause She open when you twist her never met the girl But I acted like I missed her Life is the witch And death is her sister sleep is the cousin What a family picture You know father time We all know mother nature it's all in the family But I am of no relation No matter who's buying I'm a celebration black and white diamonds No segregation Put all of my money up You guys are honey nut young money running it And you guys are runner-ups I don't feel I done enough so I'ma keep on Doing this Lil tunechi Or young tuna fish Make some noise I'm going back in Okay I lost my mind It's somewhere Out there stranded I think you stand under Me if you don't understand me Had my heart broken By this woman named tammy but women gonna be women So I couldn't blame tammy just talked to moms Told her she the sweetest I beat the beat up Call it self defense swear I be seeing through These fools like sequins And if they think they he-men Pow, pow, the end talking to myself because I am my own consultant Married to the money The world, that's adultery you full of You close your mouth And let yo talk young money eating All them haters do is Add salt stop playing with me Got this game on deadbolt Mind so sharp I mess around And cut my head off real all day And tomorrow but these Talking crazy Like they jaw broke glass half empty Half full I'll spill ya try me and run into a wall You know I'ma ball until They turn off The field lights the fruits of my labor I enjoy 'em while They still ripe stop playing I do it like a king do If these animals Then I'ma have a mink soon tell 'em I say put My name on the wall I speak the truth But I guess that's a Foreign language to y'all and I call it Like I see it And my glasses on but most of y'all don't Get the picture 'less The flash is on satisfied with nothing You don't know the half of it Young money, cash money paper chasing Tell that paper Look, I'm right behind ya you know real gs move In silence like lasagna people say I'm Borderline crazy Sorta kinda woman of my dreams I don't sleep So I can't find her you guys are gelatin Peanuts to an elephant I got through That sentence like A subject and a predicate with a swag you Would kill for Money too strong Pockets on bodybuilder jumped in a wishing well Now wish me well Tell 'em kiss my -- Call it kiss and tell [ cheers and applause .]
howdy, mr.
Shipley.
howdy, miss dawkins.
I got that sterling silver comb You wanted for your mama for Christmas.
oh, goody.
all right.
That's going to be $22.
60.
Now, do you want that gift Wrapped? gift wrapped? I've never heard of such a Thing.
it's a little service I'm Trying out for the holidays.
My cousin and her special friend Thought it up.
Save yourself time having to Wrap it at home.
You'll be their first customer.
I reckon that sounds all Right.
So I give this to you? oh, wow! What a fancy comb.
oh neat comb.
this is over the top neat.
If I got this for christmas, I'd Shoot stuff out of my fanny.
oh, come on, get to wrapping.
you know what? I'm in a hurry.
Maybe I should get.
don't get without this.
it's awful flashy.
I don't know what to say.
you don't have to say Anything.
Just make your face go like This.
or this.
bye.
Thank you.
thank you.
Bye.
oh.
She was great.
howdy, mr.
Shipley.
howdy, scootch.
What can I do you for? well, I've got to get a Christmas present for my wife.
how about this padded milking Stool.
My last one.
well, what will they think of Next? I'll take it.
would you like that gift Wrapped? I do not know what that Means.
just take it over there.
ooh, a milking stool.
I smell romance.
if I got this for christmas, I'd shoot stuff out of my fanny.
gordon.
I really think I would.
well, it's getting dark and I'm going to have to get.
You see, my horse is sick, And -- there you go.
I'm at a loss for words.
who needs words? Just make your face go like This.
or like this.
I can't walk down the street Carrying this.
I could get shot.
how about thank you? you are rude.
I guess I'll just have to Hope for the best.
[ gunshots .]
oh, he got shot.
Good job, you two.
This whole gift-wrapping thing Ain't really panning out.
[ gun shots .]
that's right.
Give me all your money unless You want to end up like that Fellow I just shot outside.
he was getting a christmas Present for his wife.
I don't care about christmas.
No one ever gave nothing to me.
we've got to do something.
I've got an idea.
Hey.
Can we talk to you over here In the gift-wrapping department? what department? Where? You best just shut your trap While he fills them there bags.
hey, you.
We've had about enough of this.
what the -- you're going to get it, get It good.
Oh, no.
Oh, my god.
This is the first gift I've ever Done got given to me inside of My hands here.
It's so beautiful.
This entire christmas just Flashed before me.
Thank you, weirdos.
Thank you.
you did it.
now that is the magic of Christmas.
I think I love you, corvin.
you know that's not Happening.
[ cheers and applause .]
and now a holiday message From the kardashians.
[ in unison .]
hey, everybody.
hi.
I'm kim, and in the spirit of The holiday, I'm dressed as sexy Santa.
I'm kourtney, and I'm also Dressed as sexy santa.
and I'm khloe, and I'm Dressed as santa.
[ laughter .]
[ in unison .]
ho, ho, ho!.
[ laughter .]
after such a busy year, we Wanted to take some time off From doing -- whatever it is we Do to wish everyone happy Holidays.
so to all our friends, merry Christmas.
to all our agents and Managers, happy hanukkah.
[ laughter .]
and to all our boyfriends, Have a great kwanzaa.
[ laughter .]
we've been having so much fun At the kardashian household this Year.
We even went to visit santa.
I sat on his lap and told him What I wanted.
I did the same thing with Reggie bush.
[ laughter .]
I got a rolex.
[ laughter .]
this year literally count Your blessings.
I'm thankful for a new line of Perfume.
I'm thankful for our workout Dvd.
and I'm thankful that four Years ago my sister made a sex Tape with brandy's brother, and Now our whole family has seen It.
I had fun.
in conclusion, literally Merry christmas from me.
and me.
and us.
me and my buds.
Butt.
this has been a holiday Message from the kardashians.
[ applause .]
thanks to eminem, lil wayne, Cookie monster! Happy birthday! "Saturday night live" cast and Crew!