The Simpsons s36e10 Episode Script

1
[BELLS JINGLING]
[BELCHES]
♪
D'oh!
[BARKING]
[GRUNTS]
♪
♪
Bowl me to the moon ♪
And roll me to the stars ♪
Hey ♪
This is more than just a game ♪
For big fat dopes in bars ♪
No ♪
For lazy guys ♪
This is a sport ♪
Doo bap, doo boop bee boo wow ♪
[PINS CLATTER]
It's today.
It's today!
- What day is it?
- Saturday.
It's today!
[EXCLAIMS WEAKLY]
[SWALLOWS] Whoopie.
Move over Los Angeles and Philadelphia.
It's Springfield's turn to
have its drunken sports fans
climb streetlights and
burn down the town.
That's right, finally,
after years of phantom fouls
and butt fumbles,
one of our beloved local sports teams,
the "Pin Pals,"
have made it to the state championship.
With Springfield's years of
failure at sports, the arts,
and our disastrous
toddler boxing tournament,
it's no exaggeration to say
that our "Super Bowlers" are
garnering tremendous
pin-terest. [CHUCKLING]
♪
Yeah! ♪
Yeah! ♪
Finally, strikes I can support.
- [CHEERING]
-
Mayor, you've been accused of being
a fair-weather fan for this team.
Not true.
I am a dyed-in-the-wool fan of these
[QUIETLY] Bowlers.
Bowlers?! Really?
People still do that?
So you don't mind that they say
you're jumping on the bandwagon?
Let me just say,
no one jumps later or harder than I.
To the Pin Heads, eh Pin Pals.
[PLAYING "FOR HE'S A JOLLY GOOD FELLOW"]
[ANNOUNCER] And now,
your heroes, the Pin Pals.
[CHEERING]
[CHUCKLES] How you doing?
Marry me!
Oh, yeah. Sure, sure.
Anyhoo, I could never have made it
without my very good friends,
Homer, Carl, Flanders,
and that new guy from Portugal
whose, uh, name I forget.
[SPEAKING PORTUGUESE]
Yi-yo-yu!
[CHEERING]
He don't speak the good
English or nothing,
but he sure as hell can roll strikes.
And he's got a very hot sister,
or girlfriend, or mother
It's really hard to tell.
Eu te amo.
All right. Based on my experience,
that is not his mother.
Uh, I just want to say,
we aren't just doing this for us.
It is going to mean the
world to this entire town.
Excuse me, but I don't see
how the town possibly
benefits from this.
We'd be helped a lot more
by a traffic light on Elm Street.
[BOOING]
Smack him with his bone! Smack him good!
Uh, my friends and neighbors
Reluctant neighbors.
[STAMMERS] I'd just like us to,
uh, bow our heads,
- and thank
- Stupid Flanders.
Turns everything good into church.
Just once, can you not mention God?
All righty, then,
let me just s-say way to go,
Big Guy in the Sky.
[BOTH] And his son, Jesus Christ. Amen.
Jesus is God's rod.
[MOCKING LAUGH] Jesus is God's rod.
[CHUCKLES] Blasphemy.
And now, O captain,
my captain, Homer Simpson.
[WHOOPING]
There's one word that defines this team.
And that word isn't "can" or "might."
That word is, uh, wait a minute.
Cards out of order
Can't read my own writing here.
Oh, okay, it's "will."
Yes, we will!
[CHANTING] Let's go Pin Pals.
Win that title.
Win that title!
- Let's get pickles.
- Let's get pickles.
All right folks, break it up.
Unless you're jerkin' a gherkin,
go on home.
[HAPPY GROANING]
Oh, Homie. Today was magnificent.
I always thought bowling
was just an excuse
to get away from the kids
and drink a lot of beer.
What? No. Never. What?
But now it's made the
whole town proud of you.
And I'm part of the town,
so this comes from the heart.
Ugh, I can't say it.
I don't want to say it.
You can't make me say it,
and I won't say it.
Or even think it!
Aw, thank you, son.
I love you all. Water my plants.
You don't have any plants.
Then we're good. Bye.
♪
Ain't this the life?
Whirly birding,
full can of soda, two bags of peanuts.
I've never known such luxury.
I could die right now a happy man.
[BARNEY] This is your captain speaking.
Please buckle up as we attempt to clear
the treacherous mountain peak.
Wha?!
No worries.
Every chopper in town takes this route.
[ALARM BUZZING]
Overweight? How is that possible?
Pilot, five passengers,
five 14-pound balls
Uh, I wanted a little extra oomph,
so I actually brought a 16-pound ball.
Me, too. By which I mean I
brought two 16-pound balls.
Anyone else want to
brag about their balls?
I mean, seriously?
Fausto bring this. For good luck.
Yi-yo-yu!
I'm gonna have to put
her down on the mountain.
Of all the times to be sober.
[BOTH WHIMPERING]
This could be it.
At least I can say goodbye.
- [MARGE] Hello?
- Marge
We're not home now,
so please don't rob us.
Leave a message.
[PANTS] Listen, Marge,
we've had our arguments,
we've had our things,
but thank God I have the time
to tell you how I really feel
- [AUTOMATED VOICE] Mailbox full.
- D'oh!
[ALARM CONTINUES BUZZING]
- [ALARM WAILING]
- [ALL EXCLAIMING] -
Whee! Ah!
As your captain, one thing is clear:
we must get off this mountain.
And I'm no expert on mountains,
but I say down is this way.
D'oh!
D'oh!
- What the?
- [SATELLITE BEEPING]
[CARL] I wouldn't leave just yet, Homer.
Our new friend there
still hasn't woken up.
Oh, God! Spanish-what's-his-name.
It's Portuguese-what's-his-name,
you idiot.
[MARGE] Chief?
- Is there any word?
- 'Fraid not.
Apparently they knocked
out a cell phone tower
on the way down.
Wait, wait!
Uh, now we're getting somewhere.
-
- Yeah.
Oh, thank God, man.
I was starting to lose all hope.
[ITALIAN ACCENT] Oh, you hungry cops
put-a my kids through college.
Seven-a sisters.
Not the women's colleges.
I have-a seven daughters:
Gia, Mia, Pia, Tia, Zia,
Iphigenia, and then Emily,
for some reason.
I don't know.
Hmm, still barely breathing.
[SIGHS] If the Lord
could carry His cross,
I can carry this poor soul.
[HOMER] Huh? Well, look at that.
Flanders risking his own
life to save another.
Wow.
Homer, could you get my water bottle?
No.
- [PHONE RINGING]
- A phone!
Someone's got cell service.
Hello, Moe speaking.
Hi, I'm looking for a Mr. Simpson.
First name, Homer.
Oh, I recognize that voice.
You ever call me again, you little puke,
I'm gonna cut you up,
use your intestines as violin strings,
and play "Flight of the Bumblebee!"
I'm gonna go Rimsky-Korsakov on yas.
I'm just trying to find my dad.
Yeah, right.
Try looking in hell, hell boy!
[BART OVER PHONE] Ay caramba!
Moe, you idiot!
You were the only one
with cellular service.
[EXCLAIMS] What have I done?
Me and my anger issues.
Dr. Rubenstein's gonna
be so disappointed.
[GRUNTS]
[MUTTERING] Stupid avalanche.
[LINE RINGING, BEEPS]
[PHONE BEEPS]
[CLICKING]
No connection.
And it's almost night.
[SOBS] I feel so much regret.
I never got the chance to
tell my son I loved him.
Never? You're 87 years old.
Uh, it was on my "to do" list.
Take a look.
See?
Still no sign of the missing bowlers.
And one thing I must say now,
there is nothing a
newscaster loves better
than missing people,
be they on a mountain, in a submarine,
or, preferably, deep under rubble.
Even if we know they're dead,
we'll keep it quiet for a few days,
just to keep the ratings up.
And now, tonight's lotto,
which no one ever wins.
-
- [CHUCKLING]
No!
[VOICE FADING] Why am
I talking like this?
I'm not falling,
just clinging to the edge!
Oh, man, that was close.
How deep is that thing, anyway?
Only one way to find out.
[BALL CLATTERS THROUGH BOWLING PINS]
Gentlemen,
I fear we're starting to hallucinate.
That's crazy talk.
Barney, pick up the spare.
[PIN CLUNKS]
Listen to me. Time to get your
cuckoos back in your clocks.
We're approaching the
point of no return.
Flanders, h-how do I put this?
I was thinking I might want to
oh, this is so embarrassing
pray.
There are no atheists in foxholes.
Oh, yes. Foxes are very religious.
I'd be praying if a bunch of
guys in red vests on horses
were trying to kill me.
Now, make with the Our Father.
♪
[BOWLING ANNOUNCER] Still no
word on the Springfield team.
Please observe an anticipatory
60-second moment of silence.
[BALL ROLLING]
[BOWLER] Wasn't me.
Strike.
My friends, if we just
have faith in the good Lord
who blew us to bits on
the side of the mountain,
we'll be okay.
Hey, Churchy Joe,
tell that to my piggies!
The word "frostbite" sounds so cutesy
when people get it at
Buffalo Bills games,
but when it happens to you, ugh!
Well, I think things will be just fine.
Really? And who made you Optimist Prime?
I broke open my first aid kit.
- [GASPING]
- Anybody else holding out on anything?
Like me with these two bags of peanuts,
which I'm going to eat right
now despite my peanut allergy.
[MUFFLED GRUNT]
See this?
This is the face of a survivor.
[CHUCKLES]
Uh, Christmas decorations?
Uh, in October?
We've done everything we can
to help your father, so
I thought this would
help us feel better.
[SOBBING]
Bart, they say a kid is only as happy
as their saddest parent.
♪
Zoom in on the heartbroken family.
Zoom, I say!
No. I can't.
I didn't go to journalism
school to be a ghoul.
I went because it was an easy major.
Take your soul and get the
hell out of local news.
[WIND HOWLING]
Fausto not good.
My friend, we will get you back
and then you and I will
have a grand old time.
I hear you silently agreeing.
- [GROANS WEAKLY]
- We'll go fishing and make s'mores
and we'll be best friends.
You're a Catholic and I'm a Christian,
but we'll work through that.
Ooh, more silent agreement.
Here, my friend, let me
let me set you down
so we can talk about our great future.
Save your breath, pal. He's dead.
No! No, he's not dead.
H-He's just resting.
Oh, Lord, you can't be this cruel.
Sorry, man.
I knew he was a goner a while ago,
but I liked watching you carry him.
We were gonna make s'mores.
Now there'll just be s'nothing.
[SNIFFLES]
Poor Fausto. Poor Flanders.
You really tried, man.
Oh, I mean it.
I'm not just hugging
you because you're warm,
although that's a big part of it.
You're a good man.
Homer, I knew you had a heart.
Just like the Cowardly Lion.
He always had a heart.
What he lacked was courage.
And the Scarecrow lacked straw, right?
No, he was nothing but straw.
Wow. I'm looking at
everything with new eyes.
Just like the Tin Man.
That's not what the Tin Man
Look, just give me another hug.
All right, gentlemen,
there's a subject we need to discuss.
Now we've waited long enough,
I'm just going to say it:
It is time that we
resorted to cannibalism.
Mmm.
What? No. Absolutely not.
I'm not saying we eat him.
I'm saying we prepare him to be eaten.
If he gets frozen,
we'll just end up with junk food,
like his hair or his toenails.
What?
Stop! Stop! Stop!
Bawk! Bawk! Bawk!
Just gimme a wing. Come on.
You got two, come on!
No eating people.
- ♪
-
[FLANDERS] If I eat these,
and don't share them
it breaks every value I have.
But just thinking about it
also means I've sinned. Hmm.
I must say,
it's a lot easier to have this debate
with my mouth full of matzah.
- Flanders?
- [GULPS]
- Yes?
- It's so clear to me now.
You're the better man, Ned.
Well, that's not true.
You've got the highest
average on the team.
I'm nothing compared to you.
Have you noticed I haven't called you
"stupid Flanders"
once on this mountain?
What do you want, a Nobel Peace Prize?
Sorry, sorry, I really do appreciate it.
It's just that I've come to realize
I'm not a natural leader, like you.
The Lord has a time and a
place for everyone, my friend.
Homer, if the high altitude
hasn't turned your brain to mulch,
would you like to lead us in prayer?
Heavenly father, who art in truck stop.
Ping-pong. Rock. Zipper. Jambalaya.
[MOANS]
- [COUGHING]
- Now, don't worry.
Just 'cause one of us has
a tickle in his whistle
doesn't mean [COUGHS]
[COUGHING, WHEEZING]
We're in the tenth frame, people.
If you want me to eat youse later,
just say nothing.
[MOANS WEAKLY]
♪
- ♪
- [SNORING]
Chief, any news?
About what? Oh, right.
Um, Marge, with conditions
as bad as they are on that mountain,
even if they somehow did
survive the crash, uh,
oh, how can I put this gently?
What do you mean, "gently"?
You basically told me they're dead!
Will you please leave my family be?
[SIGHS] Never easy being a cop.
Then why did you become one?
'Cause I look great in blue.
It goes with my eyes.
Your eyes are black.
Well, I've wasted my life.
[GRUNTING]
Patty and Selma?
Oh, this day couldn't get any worse.
Is what my dad would
say if he were alive.
Marge, dear, at a time like this,
all we want to do is
sit and hold your hand.
No talk. Just love.
I did want to say one thing:
"Better get your booty
shorts to the cleaners
"because you're gonna be
the most popular widow
on the pickleball circuit."
He's not dead!
Well, we can't be sure
But we did use generative AI
to make an image of Homer as a corpse.
To get you used to the idea, dear.
Some of these we had
even before the crash.
He's not dead. He's not dead!
In fact,
I bet he's even going to save the day.
- [SUPPRESSED LAUGHTER]
- Can you excuse us?
We need to go outside and laugh.
[WIND HOWLING]
[HOMER] Oh, is this it?
My story ends now?
Buried in the snow, frozen alone
like broccoli in my freezer?
My dear son, are you ready to join me?
I am, Mommy. Take me to the good place.
Um That's not exactly where I am.
They are very hard on
former left-wing radicals
in the afterlife.
What are you saying?
I'm in a place with a
lot of incredible people.
Machiavelli, Che Guevara,
Casanova.
Casanova. Oh, Casanova.
I thought dying in 1798 would
keep me from being MeToo'd.
Um Um
Mom? What are you making?
All of your father's favorites.
For when he comes back.
Pork chops, glazed ham,
fried hooves, snout surprise.
Oh, I can't be in the
same room with that smell.
Yeah, it's pretty disgusting.
♪
[HOMER] Hey, someone's cooking.
Marge is cooking!
I can't die here.
My family needs me.
My story is still being written.
And the next word in it is yeeargh!
[GRUNTS]
You're coming too, friends.
♪
Hidilly doodily, Saviorino!
For once, Flanders, you owe me.
- [ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING]
-
Homer Simpson. Hmm, what can I say?
He slept through Mass.
He'd floss with a Bible ribbon.
I'm afraid he leaves behind no
good deed to remember him by.
Just another fat pinball
slipping past God's flippers.
Here's something the
church never heard of:
A guy coming back from the dead!
- [ALL GASP]
- God bless him.
My bald, beautiful boy.
No good deeds, Reverend?
I've got a new end for your eulogy:
Thank God for Homer Simpson!
That's my dad. Suck it, other dads.
You miss two birthdays and a school play
and suddenly you're the bad guy.
I knew you'd make it back.
I knew it. I knew it.
You were wrong. You were wrong!
And you were wrong, preacher man.
Just premature.
I knew he'd make it.
Since five seconds ago.
For he's a jolly good fellow ♪
He's now a jolly good fellow ♪
For he's a jolly good fellow ♪
He totally didn't die ♪
He totally didn't die. ♪
Simpson,
I always knew you had it in you.
That'll do, Flanders. That'll do.
Aww.
I'm alive! I'm alive! I'm alive!
Well, you don't have
to make a meal out of it.
Yi-yo-yu!
For he's a jolly good fellow ♪
He's now a jolly good fellow ♪
For he's a jolly good fellow ♪
He totally didn't die. ♪
♪
Shh.
[BOWLING BALLS CLATTER]