The Simpsons s36e11 Episode Script

1
♪
[SIGHS]
- I want to break free ♪
-
I want to break free ♪
-
- I want to ♪
Break free from your lies ♪
You're so self-satisfied ♪
- I don't need you ♪
-
I've got to break free ♪
- God knows ♪
-
God knows I want to break free ♪
I want to break free. ♪
[SMITHERS SIGHS]
Ah, the joy of a completed to-do list.
Shall we celebrate by
cracking open an amontillado?
Uh, sir,
you had that cask of amontillado
walled off two days ago.
- Along with the salesman.
- [KNOCKING]
[SALESMAN] Are you still considering
the Cask of the Month Club?
After three months, it pays for itself.
I'm thinking about it.
Anyway, Smithers, a tasting.
What about this 1945 Bordeaux?
Yes, that could give my palate
a little party.
Palate, have at it.
Oh. How I miss extra-venous fluids.
Mm, you're getting notes of cigar smoke,
saffron Ooh, sandalwood.
Yes, yes, all of those.
And cupcake frosting from
a child's birthday party
with notes of petting zoo on the finish.
Oh, I'm getting a little tipsy.
Make sure you take two aspirin
and drink plenty of
water before I go to bed.
[WHIMPERING]
What is it? What do you hear, boy?
Dress shoes on linoleum.
It's Smithers.
Whenever he comes down here, he wants
someone to stay late and do extra work.
[WHIMPERING]
Homer, it's one taquito.
It's not worth it.
No snack left behind.
I'll tell your story.
[MICROWAVE DINGS]
Simpson, come with me.
- [GROANS] Can I bring my taquito?
- No.
Mr. Burns wants to
impress his wine club,
so he paid a million dollars
for a very special bottle
of Gevrey-Chambertin
once owned by Napoleon.
Whoa, just like the laundry pods
they lock up at the Kwik-E-Mart.
Wow.
Turns out Napoleon fought
the Battle of Austerlitz
just because he'd heard there was
an extraordinary bottle of red there.
And you need my expert
skills to keep watch over it.
No, I need you to ride in the
back with it as a human airbag.
Ooh, human.
[PHONE RINGS]
Smithers, I coughed up my Adam's apple.
Not again. I'm on my way, sir.
Simpson, I need you
to bring the Napoleon wine
directly to Mr. Burns' mansion.
This is the most important job
you've ever done in your entire life.
I'm glad to have earned your trust.
If there were anyone else on
Earth I could ask, I would.
Thank you.
[BURNS] Hurry, Smithers.
Now ants are circling it.
Okay,
just get the bottle back to Mr. Burns.
First, select the least bumpy route.
Aah! Where'd it go?!
And now it is my great honor
to christen this ship
- [GRUNTS]
- Well, I never.
No, wait, this did happen once before.
[ALL] Mazel tov!
[GRUNTS] Ow!
Uh
[SIGHS]
Mwah.
[GRUNTS]
[PELLET GUNS FIRING]
Mm
[GRUNTING]
Oh, man, I'm so far
from Mr. Burns' mansion.
Where even am I?
I'll give you a hint, dumbass.
You live here.
Give me another hint.
Okay, Homer,
you got a million-dollar bottle of wine.
For once in your life, don't be stupid.
Put it somewhere safe.
Safe, safe.
Wait, a safe.
[GRUNTS]
Safe. So this is
what being smart feels like.
[CHUCKLES] I'll reward myself
with a quick garage nap in the car.
I'll just turn it on to keep warm and
No.
Staying smart.
[SNORING]
Huh? Wha Oh, no!
I need to get to Burns' mansion.
You're exhausted.
At least eat dinner before you go.
Mmm, this is the best stew ever.
Oh, it's nothing special.
Just beef, carrots, onions,
garlic and bay leaves.
Well, it's delicious.
Oh, and some wine.
What kind of wine?
I didn't want to use the
good nine-dollar bottle,
so I just used this old one.
[SCREAMING]
How? No.
No, I was smart. I was smart.
So smart.
What? I don't understand.
It's still locked.
- Huh?
- [BART] Hey, Homer.
What the hell kind of safe is this?
Remember? You punched a hole in the wall
when Major League Baseball
added the pitch clock.
I like my sports slow,
and they knew that.
Marge, you don't understand.
That wine you used in the stew
was Burns' wine.
It cost a million dollars!
Oh, no. No!
No, no, no, no, no, no.
A million dollars?
A million dollars!
I don't want stew.
I want mac and cheese.
- Eat your million-dollar stew.
- [GRUNTS]
[GROANS]
You used all of the million-dollar wine?
It's what the recipe calls for.
You should have written
your name on the bottle.
Like I do with that special
tea that makes me regular.
Regular? You didn't go the whole time
we were in the Wisconsin Dells.
That's why I got the tea!
That I label.
[SMITHERS] Simpson.
Why haven't you delivered the
bottle to Mr. Burns' mansion?
Before I answer that,
try some of this delicious stew.
Mmm, the onions, the garlic,
the red wine from the 19th century.
[GROANS]
Aah!
It's not what you think.
Marge cooked the wine into stew.
Stew that we ate.
- [GROWLS]
- Uh,
if you need to strangle
the boy for a minute,
that's what he's here for.
Eh, it's what I bring to the table.
Oh, God, this is going to take Mr. Burns
to a horrifying level of fury.
He built this lumber
mill just to kill us.
Oh, that explains it.
Waylon, Homer really
did try to keep it safe.
This is all my fault.
I can't believe I was
undone by Marge Simpson.
[CRYING]
Mm. Hmm?
Okay, I know things look kind of bad.
But there is a way out of this.
This isn't "kind of bad."
This is a catastrophe.
If I may
for you, catastrophe is a new thing.
But for me,
it's just another day at the office.
What the hell are talking about,
you incompetent nitwit?
Oh, Smithers, Smithers, Smithers.
Let me explain.
Maggie, my note.
In the course of my long life ♪
- Aah!
- I've learned a golden rule ♪
To escape the blame
and avoid the shame ♪
When I've been an utter fool ♪
I simply cover it up ♪
- Cover it up? ♪
- Cover it up? ♪
Cover it up, cover it up ♪
Lost her wedding ring one winter ♪
Cover it up, cover it up ♪
Made one with a 3D printer ♪
Cover it up, cover it up ♪
I cut down Flanders' cherry tree ♪
And then did tell a lie ♪
I blamed it on some teens ♪
Who were wedgie-ing this guy ♪
Neck high ♪
- Cover it up ♪
- Cover it up ♪
I can't recall the lyrics
to the verse I'm singing now ♪
Who cares?
I'll make some new words up ♪
[SCATTING]
I love you, "Spingfield" ♪
Trick the red light camera ♪
When you're rushing to get home ♪
Forgot to bring a doggy bag ♪
Just use a garden gnome ♪
I caused so many meltdowns ♪
So I use my little fix ♪
We know you caused
those meltdowns ♪
No, you only knew of six ♪
Let's fix my wife's
not my mistake ♪
- Cover it up ♪
- And fill this fancy jug ♪
- With fake ♪
- Cover it up ♪
- Make a woo-hoo out of a d'oh ♪
- Just cover it up ♪
Cover it up and they'll never ♪
Even know ♪
Cover it up! ♪
Mm, I can't resist
a musical number that advances the plot.
- I'm in.
- But how do we cover this up?
It's not gonna be easy.
Mr. Burns is planning to
pour the Napoleon wine
for some of the most discerning
wine connoisseurs in the world.
You know,
wine is basically just chemistry.
Maybe you need someone
who knows all about
the chemistry of alcohol.
Wine is the red one, right?
Well, I understand your dilemma,
but I am right in the
middle of an experiment
to develop the proverbial
six-pack abdominals.
- [BOTH GROAN]
- I know, but it's what the ladies want.
I think they just want
someone who listens.
Well, I don't have
a contraption for that.
Professor, maybe if I
- rephrase it like this.
- ♪
- Cover it up! ♪
- Flavin! ♪
Uh, well, based on my analysis
of the last drops of the
stewified Napoleon wine,
I've created a replica out
of diammonium phosphate,
calcium carbonate and 14 CCs
of Manischewitz.
[SNIFFS]
Mmm. That's, uh, that's amazing.
- So we did it?
- We did it.
Uh, I, uh, did it, yes.
And now, just to ensure I've removed
the radioactive isotope
found in all wines
made after the dawn
of the nuclear age
Perfect.
[DETECTOR CLICKING]
Uh, should I be worried about that?
Are you planning on having children?
I never planned any of my children.
Uh, well, it is what it is.
I call to order this
meeting with our credo,
"Never drink something younger
or date something older than you."
[ALL] To pointless excess.
And now, the main event:
a bottle of wine once
held by Napoleon himself.
So, raise a glass and bend an "Elba."
[LAUGHING]
Smithers, release the cork.
Moment of truth.
You know, our marriage really could use
fewer moments of truth.
Now that's million-buck chuck!
Complex with a hint of
doy-yoy-yoy-yoy-yoy-yoing!
- Mm.
- The cover-up worked!
And tonight, we'll have cover-up sex.
Ooh, it'll be my first.
[LAUGHING] No, it won't.
I can't believe we pulled that off.
I feel a little guilty
and a little scared.
Like the first time I fast-forwarded
through a commercial.
Don't feel bad.
With the money those billionaires
spend on one bottle,
it could buy every poor
person in the world
an inexpensive but very drinkable rosé.
Those monsters.
They are. And I do their bidding.
[CRYING]
I'm just as bad, if not worse,
because I know better.
I'm even starting to
look like Mr. Burns.
Hump!
Sometimes I feel like I've
only got this much soul left.
Don't worry, Waylon.
There's plenty of soul
where that came from.
You know, we've still got
a lot of this Frinky drinky.
Think how many wrongs we could right
if we sold just one more
million-dollar bottle.
Are you slurring what I
think you're slurring?
Yes. What if we sell fake wine
to the rich to give to the poor?
Like Robin Hood.
♪
[GRUNTING, EXCLAIMING]
[GRUNTS]
I'm cleansing my soul.
And I'm getting out of the house.
- [GAVEL BANGS]
-
[QUIET CHATTER]
We're doing this.
We're actually going to Robin Hood
a bottle of fake wine.
Look at all these mega-rich
wine connoisseurs.
I've never seen so many people
not wearing baseball caps.
And that's Jim Sprawldon
from the Sprawl-Mart fortune.
And from Sam's Club,
there's Marcus Club himself.
Oh I can ask him to bring back
Marcus's Choice cinnamon
apple dryer sheets.
[SMITHERS] There's Francis Ford
Coppola and Andrew Lloyd Webber,
the most surprisingly straight
wine collector in the world.
And he's next to Robert Parker,
who invented the 100-point
wine ranking scale.
I will buy this Napoleon wine
with the money from
the music that I write.
The money from the music of the night.
I rate this conversation a 36.
Next up is the last known
wine owned by Napoleon.
Offered for sale by an anonymous owner.
I open the bidding at
$1 million!
- $1.5 million.
- [PHONE RINGS]
Wh I'm sorry.
I have a call from my accountant.
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
I bid nothing.
Uh, $1.5 million.
$2 million.
$2 million? That's, like, 20,000 100s.
Going once. Going twice. Sold!
[BOTH EXCLAIM]
Slowly, deftly, losing shall caress you.
Hear it, feel it.
Secretly depress you.
You did Cats, right?
What the hell was that?!
And why do I love it?
We did it!
This money is going to
right so many wrongs.
Thank you, Marge.
For the first time in my life,
I feel free.
You are under arrest for the high crime
of wine forgery.
♪
Here's your cell.
Does the gentleman find it suitable?
Why do they always ask the man?
Oh, Homie, Homie,
I don't know how to tell you this,
but I'm in jail.
[CHUCKLES] Marge in jail? Puh-lease.
This is like that phone scam
I almost fell for last month.
That was really me.
I had to walk home from the airport
because you wouldn't believe me.
Then this is Marge! You're in jail?
[CRYING] Yes.
Waylon and I faked and
sold another Napoleon wine.
Well, this is crazy.
You're in jail for booze, and I'm
at home watching the kids.
- Time's up.
- [WHIMPERS]
I've got to go. I miss you all so much.
- I love you.
- [BURPS]
Oh, Mommy loves you, too, Maggie.
♪
Wine court is modeled after
the quirky French legal system.
It's based on every
defendant's right to a certain,
mm je ne sais quoi.
How do you know about all this?
Oh, Wine Court TV plays
all day in most gay bars.
Your Honor,
this is a case of shocking fraud
perpetrated by the
worst kind of scammers.
Do we seriously believe that a wine
owned by Napoleon was found
by an executive assistant
and a homemaker?
They're simple, ignorant Philistines.
Mrs. Simpson, please tell the court
your recipe for sangria.
Two parts Duff wine cooler
to one part grape popsicle.
- [ALL GASP]
- Oh, no, Marge.
You stupid lady.
Homie,
I might be going to jail for years.
Promise me you'll take
good care of the kids.
Honey, you know
I can't make that promise.
I wonder if Homer is
looking at the same moon.
[SHATTERS]
Marge was always here
[CRYING] to dry and put away.
- [SHATTERS]
- This is all my fault.
They covered it up,
they covered it up ♪
And I lost my sweet
and loving wife ♪
- Wait, what?
- I can't cover it up ♪
Can't cover it up ♪
She might do 20 years ♪
To life. ♪
You said Mom was in Santa
Barbara with friends.
Kids, your mom's not in Santa Barbara.
She's in wine jail.
There's no such thing as Santa Barbara.
Dad, you got to find a way
to get Mom out of jail.
You got to cover this up.
It's the only thing you're good at.
No, the only thing
I'm good at is nothing.
I will never cover up again.
Ladies, gentlemen,
and bored looking cat in a turtleneck.
[PURRING]
The wine we're accused of faking
tastes exactly like the real thing,
so if-if no one can tell the difference,
how is that a crime?
[ALL MURMURING]
Your Honor, this is a case with legs.
Pun intended on "legs"
but not on "case."
Wine is much more than a beverage.
For centuries,
it has told the story of civilization.
Whenever something is that rare,
unique, and beautiful,
it is attacked by greed
and fraud at every turn.
Thus, it is our responsibility
to ensure that this jewel of our society
keeps its integrity intact.
[MEOWS]
I have reached a decision.
[GROANS]
I declare the fake wine
in question to be
real.
- Case dismissed.
- [ALL GASP]
I don't know what just happened.
Oh, allow me to explain.
I bought something more valuable
than any bottle of wine:
the judge.
You bribed her to save us?
[CHUCKLES] I
I wasn't saving you, Smithers,
and, uh, your wife.
I was protecting the
myth that the possessions
of the obscenely wealthy
are remotely worth it.
If that bottle was exposed as fake,
skeptical eyes might look to fine art
such as my Vermeer,
Girl with a Pearl Nose Ring.
Or my Bible signed by Jesus.
And it's all thanks to this fine fellow
who alerted me to your predicament.
- Homer, you
- Covered it up.
But, Dad, you said you were
never gonna cover up again.
I tried not to,
but covering up is all I know.
So, I went to the king of cover-ups.
Who do you think hid
all that nuclear waste
under Denver's airport?
- This guy.
- [LAUGHING] Oh, you.
Great, we were saved by an evil deed
from the man whose evil deeds
we were trying to un-evil.
But, Waylon, our whole drunken plan
was to use bad money to do good things.
And now we can.
- Robin Hood?
- Robin Hood.
- [BONES CRACK]
- Don't stop ♪
- Me now ♪
- 'Cause I'm having ♪
- A good time ♪
- Don't stop ♪
- Me now ♪
- Yes, I'm having ♪
A good time,
I don't want to stop ♪
At all ♪
Yeah, I'm a rocket ship ♪
On my way to Mars on
a collision course ♪
I am a satellite ♪
I'm out of control ♪
I'm a sex machine
ready to reload ♪
Like an atom bomb ♪
About to, whoa, oh, oh ♪
Oh, oh, explode ♪
I'm burning through the sky,
yeah. ♪
You will be housed here in wine jail
while you await your trial
in Springfield wine court.
Wine court?
Yes. Wine crimes are too sophisticated
for the undeveloped legal palate
of the American system.
She sold a champagne that
was actually a prosecco.
He called his wine a Beaujolais nouveau
but there was nothing nouveau about it.
And he's in solitary
for his own protection.
We don't take kindly
to oenophiles here.
And here is where we
house our worst offenders:
wine counterfeiters.
Come back later to try our toilet wine!
We are trying to recreate
a 1974 San Quentin.
Shh.