The Simpsons s36e12 Episode Script

1
♪
[MARGE GROANS]
[MARGE] Hmm.
Who are these perfectly
coiffed young men
on all the billboards?
Wolfgang Von Bassdrop?
Pound Sign Von Pound Sign?
Sex Towel?
Glenn the Eruptor?
[SCOFFS] In my day,
billboards advertised
things that made sense,
like energy drinks or exciting
new windshield repair companies.
Now it's just an endless
stream of lookalike weirdos
who no one has ever heard of.
They're all DJs with residencies
at casinos and nightclubs.
They can make millions
of dollars in one night.
I heard DJ Cheeseface bought
his parents a mansion.
That's right, Homer.
He bought us a mansion.
Son buy mansion?
Bart is son.
[CRICKETS CHIRPING]
[SNORING SOFTLY]
[SHOUTS, GRUNTING]
What the hell are you doing?
Duh, I'm giving you a glow-up
for your rewarding new career.
Keeping you off the streets
and me in a mansion.
You're going to be the
world's next hot DJ.
You can start by mixing
with all my old records.
Smash Mouth,
British nerd rocker Thomas Dolby.
Akron, Ohio nerd rockers Devo.
And Taco's Puttin' On the Ritz.
Mmm, tacos, pudding and Ritz.
From these musical seeds, you will grow
a mighty skyscraper of
DJ fame and fortune.
Now get behind those turntables
and start spinning that
big stack of black shellac.
[SCRATCHING RECORD]
[PLAYING "SHE BLINDED ME WITH SCIENCE"
BY THOMAS DOLBY]
- Hey, this doesn't suck.
- [PLAYING "WHIP IT" BY DEVO]
[BOTH SONGS CONTINUE
PLAYING AS A MASH-UP]
I've always wanted to
do something creative
without actually creating something.
She blinded me with science ♪
Hmm, something's still off.
Ah!
Give the past a slip ♪
Perfect! Dominate that mix, boy.
Rave against the dawn.
When a problem comes along,
you must whip it ♪
Before the cream sits out too long,
you must whip it ♪
[YAWNS]
What's all this ruckus?
It's the middle of the night.
If the boy's gonna
succeed in the DJ world,
he needs to practice on Ibiza time,
though at this point, I don't even think
he's good enough for Corfu.
I don't know what any
of those words mean,
but Maggie needs her sleep.
Now whip it ♪
Into shape ♪
Shape it up, get straight ♪
There, I made her A Quiet Place box.
From the mind of John Krasinski.
I hate that guy!
Bart cannot be a DJ in our basement.
Honey, I completely agree.
Enjoy the billboard, pally.
Seems like a good investment to me.
I don't have a single concern.
[ELECTRONIC DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]
♪
[LIVELY CHATTER]
[CHEERING]
Bart I mean Bartholomieux.
When are you planning to drop the beat?
Apparently, it's very important.
Evening, Homer, or should I say morning?
Listen, you know I like
to keep my blankets dry
and my parties unpooped,
but, uh, all this, well,
noise, I guess you'd call it,
is making it difficult for
me and my boys to sleep.
It's not noise.
It's a tantalizing journey into sound.
Well, could you at least ask
Bart to turn it diddly down?
What?!
Turn it diddly down!
[FLANDERS' VOICE] Diddly down,
d-diddly down ♪
Did-diddly down,
did-did-did-did ♪
Whoa,
listen to the cool guy in the song.
[LAUGHS] I wish I was you.
See you later, DJ Stupid Mustache.
[SIGHS] Okily-dokily.
[FLANDERS' VOICE] Okily-dokily,
Okily-dokily ♪
Did-diddly down, did-did-did ♪
[CHEERING]
Cheese mansion ♪
Mansion made of cheese. ♪
What you got there, Flanders?
Well, sir, it occurred to me that, uh,
if I'm a little, uh, [CHUCKLES]
inconvenienced by Bart's
musical endeavors,
it's, uh,
really up to me to find a solution.
So I went out and purchased
three pairs of these good boys.
Noice-canceling headphones, eh?
Man, I've always wanted to try those.
Mind if I take them out for a test spin?
Well, actually, I
Thanks, neighbor.
Hello there, Mrs. McCormick.
Dark times shall come
to Evergreen Terrace
before the year is out.
[LAUGHS] Oh, Mrs. McCormick,
I do so enjoy your dire portents.
[HUMMING]
[ELECTRONIC DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]
♪
Oh, this beat's getting pretty big.
Maybe I'll drop it soon.
Or maybe I won't.
For God's sake, drop it, Bartholomieux!
The tension, while delicious,
is unbearable!
♪
[YELPING]
[CHUCKLES, GRUNTS]
[MUSIC PLAYING QUIETLY]
[MUSIC PLAYING LOUDLY]
Daddy, this noise
unto the Lord isn't joyful.
[BABBLING GIBBERISH]
♪
[MUSIC PLAYING QUIETLY]
[MUSIC PLAYING LOUDLY]
[MUSIC PLAYING QUIETLY]
[MUSIC PLAYING LOUDLY]
[MUSIC PLAYING QUIETLY]
[MUSIC PLAYING LOUDLY]
[ALL GASPING]
♪
Bart, what happened?
The beat, I waited too long to drop it.
It was like a tiger in a cage,
and I just kept taunting it.
[CRYING]
Yates was right: "Things fall apart.
The center cannot hold."
And when he wrote that in 1918,
they didn't even have DJs.
I'm sorry, Dad,
but I'm out of the DJ game.
But what about my mansion?
I've already started
interviewing butlers.
I used to think DJs
were overpaid frauds,
but I now know they require
the nerves of a surgeon
and the rare gift of turning music
into faster, louder music.
If anything, they aren't paid enough.
Sorry, guys.
You can all go home.
- Right, very good, sir.
- As you wish, sir.
It's been an honor, sir.
I'm just glad we were able to
sleep through your big explode-o
thanks to those noise-canceling
headphones your father bought.
Oh, actually, I didn't buy them.
I-I kind of borrowed them from Flanders.
So Ned and his boys
had to spend the night
enduring that no offense, Bart
racket?!
Homer Simpson,
you return those headphones
and apologize immediately.
Fine. [SCOFFS]
The things I do for this family.
Oh, hey, Flanders.
I was just bringing back
your headphones.
Oh, you don't look so good.
Did you get beat up at the circus?
Homer, this sweater is the one thing
you've never, ever borrowed from me.
So I'm giving it to you now.
[HEADPHONES CLATTER]
Hmm. Hmm-hmm.
Ah, it's a little small.
Now that I've literally given
you the shirt off my back,
you and I will never have any
reason to interact ever again.
In fact, these are the last
words I'll ever say to you.
Oh, I've never seen Ned that upset.
Ned Flanders is never
going to speak to me again?
Ever? I guess I only have two words.
Woo-hoo!
[THUNDER CRASHES]
The dark times have begun.
Some days I wish Mrs.
McCormick had never moved here.
♪
So, Flanders thinks he'll never speak
another word to me again, eh?
Well, I say woo-hoo.
Have I said woo-hoo yet?
You have, Homer.
Well, it bears repeating.
I mean, does he think
I enjoy talking to him?
Because I don't.
[MARGE GROANS]
You're right, if anything,
it should be me that never
says another word to him.
In fact, do you know
who the real victim is?
Is it you?
Bingo.
However, if Flanders thinks
that by not talking to me,
he [LAUGHS] wins,
I cannot allow that to happen.
By this time tomorrow,
he'll be talking my ear off.
Great plan.
[HOMER] It is a great plan,
and I'll tell you why.
I'm asleep, aren't I?
Yes.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Listen up, Flanders, we need to talk
about this so-called
"vow of silence" of yours.
You go first.
[WHIMPERS]
I've never seen my
daddy so angry before.
It's like a bad movie.
Have you ever seen a movie, Todd?
No. What happens?
- A lot of stuff.
- Neat!
Oh, my dad has done so many
bad things to your dad,
and I think your dad
has finally had enough.
I really don't think
this is gonna blow over.
- [LEAF BLOWER BUZZING]
- [HOMER] Oh, my God.
Look what's blowing over.
Leaves from my tree.
And they're going into Flanders' yard.
Neighbors fight over this
kind of thing all the time,
so I bet you have something
to say to me about it.
Oh, come on, Flanders.
Yell or something.
Put me in my place.
- [YELLS]
- [THUDS]
[GROANING]
Should we help your dad or
wait till he stops twitching?
I find it's best to wait.
Sir, I'm about to make your day.
I just need a full oral presentation
on all of your left-handed wares.
Spoken, please.
Left-handed apple peeler.
Left-handed chip clip.
Left-handed belt buckle.
Big Book of Left-Handed Compliments.
Hmm.
[GASPS]
[SIGHS]
[HOMER GASPS]
Oh, I should've known
he'd have a backup Savior.
[HIP-HOP BEAT PLAYING]
All the ladies in the house, go, "Hey!"
[WOMEN] Hey!
All the fellas in the house, go, "Whoo!"
[MEN] Whoo!
All the Flanders in the house,
say anything!
Everybody in the house,
give me a second.
- [WHIMPERS]
- [BEAT STOPS PLAYING]
[CROWD MURMURING]
[GROANS]
[SIGHS] Oh, boy.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Hiya, Marge.
To what do I owe my guest appearance
in your blessed day?
Actually, Ned,
I was wondering if you and I could maybe
discuss this situation
between you and Homer.
Of course we could.
Come on in.
♪
[NO AUDIO]
[HOMER WHIMPERING]
So? So? Did he talk about me?
He sure did.
[SIGHS] I got to say, Homer,
if I weren't married to you,
I probably wouldn't talk to you, either.
Oh, I can't take this anymore.
I thought Flanders not talking to me
would be a magical Mardi Gras,
but instead it's been
a never-ending Lent.
[CRYING]
Lent!
Then why not do the one
thing you haven't done?
Apologize.
That's it.
I'll write him an apology.
♪
Hmm, mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Actually, Dad, it's good.
Really good.
I had no idea you had such
depths of feeling in you.
I mean, wow.
You did quote the movie Point Break
more than I expected, but I really think
Mr. Flanders may finally forgive you.
I hope you're right.
I bared my whole soul in this letter,
and it feels amazing.
Writers must be the happiest
people in the world.
Knock 'em dead, Dad.
[HUMMING]
[CHUCKLES]
[CLATTERING]
Aah, we've been burgled!
[MACHINE BUZZING]
That's our stuff! What are you doing?
You have to tell me why
you're destroying my stuff!
It's my stuff, you imbecile.
I'm reclaiming everything
you've ever borrowed from me
and destroying it so you
can never borrow it again.
That includes the lock
on your front door.
But what about my apology?
Homer, your apology was beautiful,
heartfelt and enraging!
Huh?
You know,
I gave you a pass all these years
'cause I thought you were
just too dumb to know better,
but this eloquent plea for forgiveness
shows you're a thinking,
feeling human being,
and you did that stuff to me anyway!
[GASPS] My couch!
The one thing in this
world I truly love.
It's my couch.
You borrowed it from me
the very first day we met.
[SCREAMS] I've got to get over
there and stop this madness!
[TIRES SCREECH]
Gone to Flanders' to save couch.
Home for dinner.
[GASPS] My car.
You killed my car!
Okay, mister,
I'll kill your car.
[TIRES SCREECH]
[YELPS, GRUNTS]
Car fight!
[ALL CHANTING] Car fight! Car fight!
Car fight!
[ENGINES REVVING]
[GRUNTS ANGRILY]
[BOTH GROANING WOOZILY]
I don't want to hear it.
- [GAVEL BANGING]
- What do you two chuckleheads
have to say for yourselves?
I hate him more than Joab
hated Abner in the Book of Samuel.
I hate him more than Tennessee Tuxedo
hated the tedium of his life in the zoo.
- I don't know what to say to you.
- Oh, yeah?
Well, Chumley the Walrus
has a lot more to say
- about this situation
- [GAVEL BANGING]
I have never seen two people
with such a bitter hatred
for each other outside of
happily married couples.
Hmm, well, that gives me an
idea for one of my folksy,
movie premise-like judgments.
Instead of jail,
I sentence the two of you
to 100 hours of couples counseling.
- [GALLERY GASPS]
- D'oh!
Permission to use profanity, Your Honor?
I'll allow it.
Marmalade milkshake!
[GALLERY GASPS]
Look, I need you both to know
that this isn't gonna
be an overnight fix.
It could take years of intensive,
soul-baring
Could you please stop flicking
each other in the eyeballs?
[BOTH GROANING]
All right,
that does it for talk therapy.
Luckily, there are drugs.
- I don't do drugs.
- I'll have his.
There have been amazing
advances in the use
of therapeutic psychedelics
for dysfunctional couples.
U-completamine will take
you on a shared journey
that could help resolve your conflict,
with only a slight risk of
permanent brain explosion,
or "PBE."
I'll happily blow up both our brains
if there's the slightest chance
of making Ned suck less.
[SIGHS] I can't live
with this anger anymore.
- Let's just do it.
- [YELPS IN PAIN]
[ANNETTE] The drug is now slowly
entering your bloodstream.
Just relax and remember
if you see a door, open it.
If you see a road, follow it.
And most importantly
[DISTORTED, ECHOING]
we don't take insurance.
[ELECTRONIC DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]
I'm scared.
- Where are we going?
- I don't dang-diddly know.
Soul sensors activate.
How many of you beautiful
mutants are ready
to drop some serious repressed emotions?
[CROWD CHEERING]
[HOMER SCREAMS] What
the hell is going on?
[FLANDERS] We're cartoons.
[SCREAMS] Garfunkel!
Turtlenecks!
Good grief!
Why did we turn into
all those famous duos?
Famous?
I didn't recognize any of them.
[BOTH GASPING, WHIMPERING]
[FLANDERS] Now we have
no corporeal form!
[HOMER] Nice going, Flanders.
♪
- [ALL YELLING]
- [ELEPHANT TRUMPETING]
[BIRD SCREECHES]
[DRAGON ROARS]
Everyone's dead.
Which means no one's
defending your brain castle.
[PAINED WHIMPER]
♪
[GASPS]
Flanders' head is full of me.
Homer has a shrine to me?
[BOTH] I think I get it now.
I see how happy and successful you are,
so I think I'm not worthy of you.
I treat you terribly out
of my own insecurity.
Also because you've got awesome
stuff and I like taking it.
And I wish I could savor
life half as much as you do.
But what I truly love is
feeling morally superior to you.
That's why I accept and even
encourage your worst behavior.
Like how you're scratching your butt
with that statue of me.
[GRUNTING]
What? It's pointy.
So I-I guess what we really
want is the status quo.
Status whoa!
Another U-completamine breakthrough.
Well, how is it possible
we had the exact same
psychedelic sleigh ride?
And why are you a part of it?
I couldn't tell you.
No one has any idea
how these drugs work.
Bye!
♪
Well, Homer, any thoughts?
- [FLANDERS SOBBING]
- [CRYING] Oh, Flanders!
[BIRDS CHIRPING]
[FLANDERS] Homer,
did you take my paper again?
No. Why would you say that?
Because you're holding it.
Florida has a hockey team?
[SIGHS] You know what, Homer?
Okily-dokily.
Ned, I got something for you.
My sweater.
Thanks, neighborino.
You're welcome, stupid Flanders.
See my vest ♪
See my vest, see my vest ♪
That was Marge, bitch!
Who controls the British crown? ♪
Who keeps
the metric system down? ♪
The name's Poochie D,
and I rock the telly ♪
I'm half Joe Camel
and a third Fonzarelli ♪
He can talk, he can talk,
he can talk, he can talk ♪
- I can sing ♪
- Oh, oh, Dr. Zaius ♪
- What'd I say? ♪
- Do the Bartman ♪
- What's it called? ♪
- The Bartman ♪
'Cause everyone is
horrid except me ♪
- And possibly ♪
- Hit it!
- Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius ♪
- Brain freeze ♪
Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius ♪
Shaving my shoulders ♪
That name again is Mr. Plow. ♪
Shh!