Saturday Night Live (1975) s36e13 Episode Script
Host Jesse Eisenberg Nicki Minaj performs
tonight, a cnn special Event.
Congresswoman michele bachmann's Response to the president's State of the union address.
The second attempt.
[ laughter .]
[ cheers and applause .]
good evening.
I'm congresswoman michele Bachmann from minnesota's sixth District.
Four nights ago on behalf of the Republican party and the tea Party, I delivered a response to President obama's state of the Union address.
Unfortunately, that response was Marred by some technical Difficulties, and it seems that Its core message was not Properly conveyed.
Accordingly I have asked for This time tonight in order to Try again.
Because, you see, the issues are Simply too important and the Stakes for our nation too high To do otherwise.
So here goes.
[ laughter .]
Two years ago when barack obama Became president, our nation's Unemployment rate was already 7.
8%, and our national debt an Astonishing $10.
6 trillion.
The economy was headed for Disaster.
As you can see from this chart.
[ laughter .]
Not a pretty picture, is it? Yet, instead of addressing our Economic problems, this President's policies have made Them worse, as this next chart Clearly shows.
[ laughter .]
That's right.
Under our current president We've gone from this to this.
[ laughter .]
But it doesn't have to be this Way.
By simply reducing spending and Returning to the core governing Principles of our founding Fathers, we can have an economy That looks like this.
[ laughter .]
But let's be honest, before any Of this can happen, we must First address the massive growth In entitlements, especially Social security.
I'm going to show you another Chart of the projected growth of Revenues into the social Security trust fund.
[ laughter .]
A little hard to see because I Drew the line in white.
Now, here is the same graph Adding projected social security Expenditures, also in white.
[ laughter .]
Sorry, that's not very clear.
Should we show that last graph In plaqblack? Do we have that? That's a little better.
Maybe not.
The point is the current Situation is unsustainable.
Consider this chart which shows The amount of federal spending Devoted just to interest on the National debt.
[ laughter .]
This is is the one I dropped in The snow.
That's a shame.
That was important.
But the point is the american People don't need graphs or Charts to tell us what we Already know.
Our country is headed in the Wrong direction and we all Remember what this president Promised us just one year ago at His first state of the union.
All right.
Obviously, that's not president Obama.
No, I know it's on this tape.
I just don't know where.
I don't have time to find it Now.
So let me just conclude by Saying, I realize how much the American people are sacrificing During these troubled economic Times.
We republicans get it.
And we want you to know we're Doing some belt-tightening of Our own.
For example, this presentation You just saw was done on a Reduced budget.
I'm not kidding.
We didn't even hire a Professional director.
Seriously.
Or a trained graphic designer.
And here is something else, Believe it or not, my makeup was Done by a child.
[ laughter .]
As god is my witness, she's 5 Years old.
So thank you for your attention.
May god bless america, and live From new york, it's Saturday Night! announcer: It's "Saturday Night live"! With fred armisen Abby elliott Bill hader Seth meyers Bobby moynihan Andy samberg Jason sudeikis Kenan thompson Kristen wigg Featuring vanessa bayer Paul brittain Taran killam Nasim pedrad Jay pharaoh Musical guest nicki minaj And your host, jesse eisenberg! Ladies and gentlemen, Jesse eisenberg! [ cheers and applause .]
thank you, thank you.
Thank you, thank you very much.
It is so great to be here, Hosting "Saturday night live.
" It's been a really exciting year For me.
I was in "the social network.
" [ cheers and applause .]
Thank you very much.
And, you know, I'm actually Really glad to be here because, You know, in a few movies I have Played guys who are kind of shy, You know, and unassuming, and That is just not me at all.
You know, and as you will see Tonight, well, I'm really cocky, You know.
In life, you know, I own it.
When I walk into a room, people Are just like, whoa, whoa, watch Out.
Who is that freight train of Confidence.
Or not.
I don't know.
That's presumptuous of me.
Anyway, although actually one Thing I am an expert in is Women.
You know, I do.
I know a lot about the ladies.
Like, for example, I know every 28 days a female will shed their Uterine lining.
[ laughter .]
No, it's true.
That's true.
That would be a thing like if I Were out on a date, you know, With a lady, she wouldn't have To explain that to me.
You know, because I already know It.
You know, because I'm so cocky And I can't wait for the oscars.
I'm going to -- thank you.
I am going to take jack Nicholson's seat in the front Row.
I'm going to say, sorry, jack, Here's jesse.
I'm not going to say that.
Even thinking of saying Something like that is kind of Giving me a panic attack right Now.
You know what? I feel like I'm misrepresenting Myself.
well, misrepresenting people Is something you have a lot of Practice with.
whoa, mark zuckerberg.
Hey, how are you? how am I? I'm bad, okay? You got nominated for an academy Award for playing me, and what Do I get, you know? What do I have to feel good About? wasn't facebook just valued At like $50 billion? oh, that's right, yeah.
Well, good luck at your dinky Movie award thing.
All hail the zuck.
Why can't I go in there? I'm the real mark zuckerberg.
and I'm pretty sure at least One of those guys is the real Mark zuckerberg? no, I am.
That guy is like my evil twin And that's andy samberg.
Those guys are such nerds.
I invented "poking.
" yeah.
You're better off backstage.
okay.
We're going to let you in on the Joke.
This isn't mark zuckerberg.
This is andy samberg.
yes, and may I say, jesse, That I loved your zuckerberg.
How do you do yours? thank you.
I speak in short clipped Sentences and I keep my head Very still like this.
But I love yours actually.
What is your technique? I wear this sweatshirt.
And I say, I'm mark zuckerberg.
straightforward.
And, of course, I wasn't really Doing mark zuckerberg.
I was interpreting a fictional Character in a movie script.
[ cheers and applause .]
thank you for coming here.
wait.
Have you two not met? no.
no.
awkward! [ laughter .]
well, I'll be going.
Samberg out.
so -- so -- yeah, yeah.
I really, really, really Liked you on "60 minutes.
" thanks, man.
you ever end up seeing the Film, "the social network.
" yeah, I did.
thanks.
And what did you think? it was interesting.
interesting.
You know, I'll take it.
Thank you, great.
Hey, you know what, why don't we Do this together.
cool, we have a great show For you tonight.
Nicki minaj is here.
right.
so stick around.
We'll be right back.
[ cheers and applause .]
let's face it, life is Pretty busy.
Even when you're not working it Seems like millions of other Things suddenly come up.
So if you're like me, a busy guy In a preop transsexual in his Third month of hormone Treatments, leading estrogen Supplement that works for your Schedule.
There they are.
You deserve to be the body you Want.
Most hormone replacement Therapies require you to take Five estrogen supplements a day, Five.
Who has time for that? But now, there's hope.
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A single daily pill that gives You all the sex changing Hormones you need.
because I don't want to spend My day taking estrogen, but I do Want to become a woman.
[ laughter .]
I'm the head of a major Corporation.
I can't spend all day increasing Market share and turning my Penis in a functional vagina.
But with once daily estromaxx, I Can work while my estrogen does.
once daily estromaxx does What you need, grows your Breasts, redistributes your body Fat, and shrinks those pesky Male genitals.
I'm becoming the person I Want to be and without the Hassle.
Thanks, estromaxx.
[ laughter .]
once daily estromaxx tackles Gender reversal so you can Tackle life.
I need some syrup because my Nipples are as big as silver Dollar pancakes.
[ laughter .]
that's amazing.
Jf that's once daily estromaxx.
once daily estromaxx is a Powerful dose of estrogen.
If you do not wish to become a Woman, you should not take once Daily estromaxx.
[ laughter .]
Men taking estrogen may develop An interest in tlc's "say yes to The dress.
" [ laughter .]
once daily estromaxx.
Nature got in your way.
Your estrogen pills shouldn't.
[ cheers and applause .]
you're watching nickelodeon After dark.
Coming up, a classic episode of "mr.
Wizard.
" hey, kids.
all: Hey, mr.
Wizard! today we're going to learn About something called static Lelectricity and you're the Conductor.
Now, everything is made up of Atoms, but what floats around Those atoms? Does anybody know? Chris? I don't know.
claudette? I don't really know.
lauren? electrons.
good! And we rub up against something, Sometimes those tiny electrons Move.
Now, everyone take a balloon.
Now, what I want you to do is Rub that balloon on yourself.
There you go.
On your sweater, on your arm Like this.
You can even rub it on your Partner.
Go ahead.
Yeah.
Very good.
Get worked up.
It's science! [ laughter .]
okay, chris, chris, Claudette, guys, guys.
That's fine.
That's enough with the balloons.
Now, what have we just Experienced with the balloons? Chris? something new.
yes, but what? I don't know.
it felt like a good headache.
actually, we've created an Electronic field, and if you get A strong-enough field, your Balloons can stick to anything, Even a wall.
Let's go ahead and rub our Balloons again, but this time Just on our sleeves, everyone.
Just on the sleeve.
There you go.
Now, in order for it to stick, You really need to rub a lot.
The more you rub the more those Electrons will transfer over Giving you a really powerful Static charge.
Are you guys feeling that Charge? yes.
I feel it! okay, okay.
That's enough.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, that's Enough.
Enough with the balloons.
Stop it.
We're all done.
this is fun.
Not of that fun.
let's put our balloons on the Board.
See how it sticks? How about that? Now what did we learn from the Experience.
I like rubbing.
not really, no, no, no.
Think about the experiment.
Did you learn anything? balloons make things grow.
no, no, no.
Let's move on.
Now, people aren't the only Conductors.
Have you ever heard of a Generator.
wow, that's big.
yeah, yeah.
sure is.
This electrostatic generator can Reach up to five megavolts just From all the vibrating.
Do you want to see what it can Do to you? yeah, hurry up.
okay.
Here we go.
Now, go ahead and touch it.
See what happens.
What's happening here is we're Accelerating electrons to create An electromagnetic field.
If you stay in the field long Enough, you will be fully Charged with negative electrons.
Now, are you fully charged yet? yeah.
oh, sweet maria, get off, get Off of there, guys.
but it's good for me.
yes, I want to do science in The shower.
no, you don't.
No, you don't.
When we come back you'll learn Another great conductor, body Heat.
Oh, boy.
[ cheers and applause .]
yeah, okay.
Welcome to "don't forget the Lyrics.
" I'm your host mark mcgrath, and Yeah, I do this now.
[ cheers and applause .]
No, no, I don't know why.
Okay.
As always, our audience has been Force fed mountain dew and diet Pills since 5:00 this morning And they are ready to rock and Roll.
[ cheers and applause .]
All right, let's bring out Today's contestant.
Everyone, please give a crazed Welcome to kenny lushing from Providence, rhode island! [ cheers and applause .]
yes, I have seen this show.
all right.
Tell us a little about yourself, Kenny.
well, mark, I'm 22 years old.
I'm a part-time student and I Was just fired from domino's Pizza for reasons of hygiene.
Yeah! [ cheers and applause .]
that's great.
You know the rules.
We supply the music, you supply The words.
But when the music cuts out, Make sure you don't forget the Lyrics.
that is the purpose of this Show, yes! I am feeling the wrath of Mcgrath.
Our first category is rock.
And your song choices are "love In an elevator" by aerosmith and "I love rock and roll" by Joan jett.
mark, I'm going to go with "I Love rock and roll" because I Love rocks and I love rolls.
[ cheers and applause .]
He knows, over there.
all right, kenny.
"I love rock and roll" by Joan jett.
We are looking for ten missing Lyrics.
All right? Hit it! all right.
Crank her up.
I love rock and roll So put another dime in the Jukebox baby I love rock and roll so come and kiss a lime You dance machine [ laughter .]
wow, okay, okay.
Come and kiss a line you dns Machine? Do you want to lock in those Lyrics? yeah, let's lock them in.
oh! I'm sorry, kenny.
The correct lyrics were "come And take the time and dance with Me.
" yeah.
Yeah, I'm sorry, I guess I'm a Little nervous.
it's understandable, man.
This is vh1.
It's 2:00 in the afternoon.
It's all happening! [ cheers and applause .]
Hey, don't worry because we're Moving on to the next song.
Are you ready, kenny? I'm ready.
Are you ready, mr.
Mark? I'm under contract! [ laughter .]
Got to be ready.
So let's rock.
Our net category is pop and your Choices are "doctor, doctor" by Robert palmer or "fly" by my old Group sugar ray.
I really don't remember the Song "fly" by sugar ray.
oh, really? Oh, that's funny because you Know who did remember that song? The marketing team for Cajun pringles in 1997.
They seemed to think it Represented a generation so -- okay, well, I'm still going To go with "doctor, doctor.
" the doctor is in.
Hit it.
this one is for all the Doctors, male and female.
[ clapping .]
I need you to soothe my head And turn my blue heart To red Doctor, doctor give me the news I got one extra testicle I'm sorry.
Oh, my god, I'm sorry.
Oh, no.
I'm sorry.
The lyrics were a bad case of Loving you, not one extra Testicle.
Where did that come from? from birth.
sorry.
You know, when I get nervous I Kind of just like blurt whatever Is on my mind.
It probably happens all the Time.
no, not to me.
I'm going to pick the next song For you.
It's an easy one.
It's "celebration" by kool and The gang.
You pumped? yeah, I think so.
Yeah.
okay.
Here we go.
celebrate saddam hussein I was thinking of another Song.
what song? there is no song.
the final round, the song is "it's not unusual" by tom jones.
He only need to give us three Missing lyrics.
They're the title of the song.
I think I can do this, markey Mark.
different guy.
are you going to dance this Time? I doubt it, kenny.
No, I really do.
Wait, hold on.
Oh, I'm not allowed to stop Dancing? Okay.
I'm what? What are you saying? Oh, replaceable.
Okay.
You got it.
Sorry about that.
Hit it! it's not unusual To get a boner At the movies [ laughter .]
it's not unusual If it was "toy story 3" that's not right is it? it's wrong on a number of Levels, okay? But come back, okay? Come back when you want.
All right, that's the show.
Another day done for Mark mcgrath.
I make notches on my wall like I'm in prison.
This is vh1.
Good afternoon! [ cheers and applause .]
next week, dana carvey with Musical guest linkin park.
you're watching wstd news New york.
good morning, everyone.
Our top story today, a Prestigious new york college is Reeling following a drug bust on Campus.
Veteran reporter herb welch is On the scene, who today is Celebrating his 58th year at our Network.
Herb? [ laughter .]
hello, don.
hello, herb, and Congratulations.
Now, tell us whas what's Happening on campus.
I'm here with Derrick smalls jr.
it's just derrick smalls.
I'm a junior in school.
oh -- Now, tell me, what happened.
[ laughter .]
um, okay.
The police came in with, like, Dogs and stuff, and they busted Into the hinckley dorm.
are you sleep walking? Do you have the flu? [ laughter .]
what? you're wearing pajama Bottoms.
Terry, get a shot of this.
that's just like -- that's What I wear.
well, there you have it.
Changing times and changing Fashions.
Back to you, jack.
herb, herb, no.
Let's follow up a little.
Did the young man know the Students involved? Come on.
what? did the young man know the Students involved? Come on, like, dig a little Deeper.
Let's go, come on.
don't give me the high hat.
[ laughter .]
Did you know the students? [ laughter .]
yeah, actually I bought -- I Mean, no, no, I don't know them.
are you sad they're tearing Down ebbetts field? come on, herb.
Come on.
I don't know what you're Talking about.
exactly.
Let's stay on story, please.
who's your favorite player? Is it pee wee reese? this guy keeps hitting me in The face.
Is that -- is that how tv works? no, it is not.
Herb, be professional.
jack, why don't you sit on Inju Your jacket and I'll do the News.
would you please ask him the Question.
did you know about the drugs? I -- well, answer me.
no one here is high.
I swear.
excuse me, I'm an r.
A.
Here, And that's not true at all.
a sad day in brooklyn.
Back to you, jack.
no, herb.
No.
Why don't you turn around and Talk to that r.
A.
I'm not going to take Reporter lessons from a can of Hairspray.
[ laughter .]
come on.
[ laughter .]
all right.
come on, herb.
Hold it together, herb.
[ laughter .]
lay it on me, my man.
What went down? [ laughter .]
no one here is surprised.
Drugs have been a problem in the Dorms for some time.
there you have it.
A city college now fully Integrated.
no, no! [ laughter .]
no, that is not the story, Herb.
don't tell me how to frame The lead.
no way.
Am I on tv? The gecko, not geico.
herb, come on.
[ screaming .]
come on, herb.
Damn it.
I know why you're angry but This guy is kind of awesome.
but he should be doing his Job.
maybe I ought to be the Anchor again.
no, you can't be, herb.
You were fired for praying the Rosary on the air.
father pat says god loves Herb welch.
yeah, well the father doesn't Run the network.
don't talk about my parish.
[ laughter .]
okay, all right.
Just cut away, please.
Can we cut away? Our apologies to you at home.
Up next, we will talk to police Chief ray kelly.
Oh, but first some sad news, we Have just received word that Our own herb welch has died five Seconds ago.
We go to the scene now.
[ laughter .]
I'm not dead, you -- [ cheers and applause .]
yeah.
Hi, I'm john, and this is the Freak.
we get out at the club And you see a fly girl Do the creep Do the creep if you want to make friends At the atm Do the creep Do the creep we got a new dance So, get up on your feet It's really easy to do And it's called the creep lift your hands up Around like a marionette Pop your knees up and down And shake your neck now pull your waistband up Like you're expecting a flood And stick your hands down flat Like you're covered in mud a mud bath and pop them Peepers Focus on your sneakers You're a certified creeper when you see cut of beef Laying out at the beach Do the creep Do the creep and when a fly piece Walks in front of your tree Do the creep Do the creep you're 6 years old And that's sort of creepy My parents took me to their Room and I saw a peepee I cried When they lifted their head They saw me At the foot of the bed knew I was a creep Since the someday I was born My mother like Gotta go she started freaking Because I'm creeping little did they know That was me they were bottling I would laugh Ha-ha-ha-ha they were scared open up your peepers And turn up your speakers come on get your creep on do the creep Do the creep when you're seconds to wake And you see big cake Do the creep Do the creep when the judge is a hottie And you can't control your body Do the creep Do the creep keep your knees flexing And your arms t-rexing Do the creep Do the creep don't forget to smile.
[ cheers and applause .]
ladies and gentlemen, Nicki minaj! [ cheers and applause .]
[ cheers and applause .]
you see right through me How do you do that? How do you do that? how do you do that? How do you, how do you How do you, how do you how do you you let me win You let me ride You let me rock You let me slide and when they looking You let me hide Defend my honor Protect my pride the good advice I always hated But looking back It made me greater you always told me Forget the haters Just get my money Just get my weight up know when I'm lying Know when I'm crying It's like you got it Down to a science why am I trying No, you ain't lying I tried to fight it Back with defiance you make me laugh You make hoarse From yelling at you At gettin' at you pickin' up dishes And throwing them at you Why are you speaking When no one asked you? you see right through me How do you do that? How do you do that? how do you do that? How do you, how do you How do you, how do you how do you? you see right through me How do you do that? How do you do that? how do you do that? How do you, how do you How do you, how do you how do you what are we doing Could you see through me Cause you say nicki And I say "who me?" you say "no you" And I say, "screw you" Then you start dressing And you start leaving and I start crying And I start screaming The heavy breathing But what's the reason always get the Reaction you wanted I'm actually frontin' I'm asking you something yo, answer this question Class is in session Tired of letting Passive aggression control my mind Capture my soul Okay, you're right Just let it go okay you got it It's in the can Before I played it You knew my hand you can turn a Free-throw to a goal He got the peephole To my soul you see right through me How do you do that? How do you do that? how do you do that? How do you, how do you How do you, how do you how do you you see right through me How do you do that? How do you do that? how do you do that? How do you, how do you How do you, how do you how do you stop Stop Won't you just stop Looking through me cause I can't take it No I can't take it you see right through me How do you do that? How do you do that? how do you do that? How do you, how do you How do you, how do you how do you you see right through me You see right through me Baby you see right through me You see right through me do that Do that Do that Do that, baby? [ cheers and applause .]
good evening.
I'm seth meyers.
Here are tonight's top stories.
in egypt tens of thousands Of protesters angry with the Policies of hosni mubarak Clashed with police in what was Called a day of rage.
Sort of like what we have here Every time the mcrib goes away Again.
[ laughter .]
representative michele Bachmann this week created a Controversy when she said in a Speech that the founding fathers Worked tirelessly until slavery Was no more.
Apparently she spent her high School history class looking off To the right of the blackboard.
[ laughter .]
president obama on Tuesday Delivered the state of the union Address.
America's annual opportunity to Half heartedly applaud the idea Of solar panels.
"yeah, okay.
Never going to happen.
" During his speech, president Obama also called on americans To do big things, so get ready For the new kfc triple down.
[ laughter .]
this week comcast officially Took control of nbc universal, And I have to say, things are Better already.
Seriously, I have to say that.
[ laughter .]
this week despite riots and Calls for his resignation, Egyptian president hosni mubarak Refused to step down and has Fired his entire cabinet.
Here to explain, and I can't Believe we got him to come all The way here, egyptian president Hosni mubarak.
[ cheers and applause .]
thank you, seth.
This is a very difficult time For everyone.
People in egypt are very, very Upset.
yes, and they're upset Because they want you to resign, Correct? no, seth, they love me.
[ laughter .]
They are upset because the Internet is down.
They can't check their e-mails And the blogs.
It's very frustrating.
no the internet is down Because your government shut it Down.
what? No, no, no, no, no.
The minute the internet went Out, my administration launched Into action and got it right Back up and running.
what did you do? They gave us a four-hour window From noon to 4:00 in which they Promised to come and service the Problem.
So I wait around, and I wait Around, and at like 3:55 I have To run to a meeting, and sure Enough, that's when they show Up.
Mr.
President, come on.
[ laughter .]
That's my doorman's joke.
look, I feel like we're Getting off track.
I mean, do you intend to stay in Power? I have been the Democratically elected leader of Egypt for 30 years.
how can you be in power for 30 years in a democracy? I am beloved.
My profl rate something 115%.
Numbers don't lie.
I feel like you're missing The signals.
egyptians have never been Great with signals.
Read the bible.
We needed ten plagues before we Let the israelites go, ten.
We have locusts.
Toads raining from the sky, Rivers turning into blood, and Still we were like, let's see How this plays out.
Excuse me, but not to worried About a couple guys in adidas Sweatshirts throwing bricks.
If I resign, what am I going do? I have been an egyptian President for 30 years.
Is there another egypt that Needs a president that I don't Know about? That is why I'm willing to take The following steps to prove That I am willing to change.
Number one, I'm firing my Cabinet.
good.
tow, I'm hiring a new cabinet Made up of fired members of my Old cabinet.
[ laughter .]
is that it? yes again.
oh, no.
Mr.
President hosni mubarak! [ cheers and applause .]
representative dennis Kucinich has filed a lawsuit Against the cafeteria in the House of representatives, saying That he suffered dental damage From a sandwich wrap that Contained an unpitted olive.
And just think, that guy was This close to being our President.
Charlie sheen on Thursday was Taken to the hospital suffering From an aggravated hernia after He reportedly spent more than 24 Hours partying with five women And a briefcase full of cocaine.
It was a smart move keeping the Cocaine in a briefcase because Then if anyone saw him, they'd Definitely think there goes Charlie sheen with some Paperwork.
[ laughter .]
[ cheers and applause .]
That 50-year-old man with Sunglasses and cargo shorts must Be going to an important Meeting.
[ laughter .]
It was noted for the first time In super bowl history, neither Of the teams competing have Cheerleaders.
No word yet on how players from Either team will remember to go.
Olympic olympic [ laughter .]
Green bay had cheerleaders at One point, but stopped after 1965's tragic frozen human pir Rid incident.
Two women in new york are suing The trendy standard hotel Alleging that they were fired From their waitressing jobs for Not being willowy, svelte, and Statuesque.
Though I think they got fired For spending their work hours Reading a thesaurus.
[ laughter .]
scientists are saying Elderly people are having Trouble driving because they Don't focus on things in the Foreround and instead focus on Interracial couples on the Sidewalk.
The oscar nominations were Announced this week.
Here to comment, and I have been Asked to read it this way, tyler Perry presents tyler perry.
[ cheers and applause .]
oh! Hello, seth.
Hello, everyone.
I'm tyler perry.
Well, the oscar nominations are Out and once again I was left Out.
Not one nomination.
Poor, poor tyler perry.
Oh, money everywhere.
But, you know, I have 28 essence Awards.
That's three more than holly Robinson peete, but no oscar Nominations.
So I have been studying the kind Of movies that get nominated.
There's "the social network" About a group of harvard kids Fighting over billions of Dollars, or "the king's speech" About a rich king who is Embarrassed when talking in Front of people.
These are the type of win win Low stakes situations I call White people problems.
[ laughter .]
Meanwhile, I have been doing Movies about overcoming drug Addiction, marital infidelity, And dealing with life in prison.
All featuring a big sassy woman In a housecoat.
And all I've got to show for it Is $800 million.
but, tier, have you ever Really tried to make an oscar Movie? oh, absolutely, seth.
I thought "for colored girls" Was going to be my oscar picture Until later someone pointed out That the title reminded people Of a sign next to a water Fountain in the 1950s.
Never even crossed my mind.
My best friend is oprah.
[ laughter .]
My next movie is guaranteed to Get some oscar notice.
It's about a brilliant student In north carolina who creates The top african-american social Networking site in the world.
It's called "tyler perry Presents I can do internet all By myself.
" [ laughter .]
The film stars jesse eisenberg, A seasoned veteran of white People movies like "adventureland," where a young Man is stabbed because he has a Job.
[ laughter .]
It features my alter ego madea As his sassy but wise roommate.
so is it a drama or a comedy? well, seth, like all of my Movies, it makes wild swings From broad comedy into Dismal melodrama.
Do you think that's a little Strange? Maybe so.
Maybe 20 million tyler perry Fans are wrong.
Excuse me.
Have some money, seth.
There you go.
I own an island.
So please mark your calendars For "I can do internet all by Myself.
" It's got jesse eisenberg, madea, And cicely tyson as bill gates.
Your move, academy.
tyler perry, everyone! [ cheers and applause .]
that's for you.
thank you.
so much money.
according to new research, Couples who have been together For more than 20 years can still Be just as much in love as People who are at the beginning Stages of a relationship.
The keys are a healthy sex life And making sure your spouse Doesn't find out about your Healthy sex life.
a woman in argentina who was Trying to commit suicide Survived after she jumped from The 23rd floor of a hotel and Landed on a taxi, and you know That if it happened in new york, Someone would have yelled, "hey, That's my cab!" it was reported lady gaga is Developing her own fragrance.
She wants to smell like semen And blood.
The new fragrance will be called Hotel mattress.
Excuse me, are you wearing hotel Mattress? No? So it's just semen and blood? It was very nice meeting you.
mtv announced that the Fourth season of "jersey shore" Will take place in Italy, which, God willing, will segue into an Awesome episode of locked up Abroad.
I'm seth meyers.
Good night! you're watching turner Classic movies.
welcome to "the essentials.
" I'm robert osbourne.
Tonight, we take a journey Through one of my favorite Genres, 1970s blacksploitation Horror films.
There are so many classics from The era.
"blackula," "the black creature From the black lagoon," and, of Course, "the phantom of the Apollo.
" [ laughter .]
But perhaps one of the most Memorable was the 1972 classic, "the bride of blackenstein.
" Let's take a look.
blackenstein! You were my greatest creation, The coolest, baddest, blackest Monster on the face of the Earth! arr.
and tonight as I promised, I Will give you a bride! arr? igor! yes, master? it's time to pull the switch For the bride of blackenstein, Baby.
It's alive! It's alive! It's damn! she's beautiful, master! And I'm sure the swelling in her Backside will go down soon.
oh, it better not.
That booty is a piece of modern Science.
that's why you had me fill Those two basketballs with Jell-o.
double dribble.
you think people will like That? like it? They'll love it.
Just look at blackenstein.
that's what I'm talking About.
[ laughter .]
He's about to get his groove on.
oh, no, he is not! she speaks.
She speaks! uh-oh, that's not good.
[ laughter .]
you think you can just walk Up on me and get some of this? I mean all of this? no, no.
I mean -- arr! arr? Don't you say "arr" to me.
I know you can talk.
And the first words out your Mouth better be "I'm getting a Job.
" [ laughter .]
igor, man, where did you get That brain? from a woman who had just Died.
what kind of woman? she worked at the dmv.
[ laughter .]
and what about the Fingernails? from a cashier at walgreens.
and where did you get the Mouth? from a ho who didn't know her Place.
[ laughter .]
and where did you get her Hair? excuse me, this hair is real.
okay, okay.
very nice hair.
come on, baby.
I just need some loving from my Bride.
bride? Bride? Did you get me an invisible Ring, because I don't see Nothing on my finger.
You don't know me.
I ain't never met you.
You taking me to dinner first or Something.
Come on now.
but I had plans tonight.
I'm going out with wolfman and The mummy.
that smelly ass dog person And old mr.
Bandage? Uh-uh, no way.
No way.
They're my friends, baby.
not no more.
From now on I'm your friend.
And I barely even like you.
master, I don't understand.
Why doesn't he just tell her He's a man and she should do as He says? have you ever been with a Sister? no! then you wouldn't understand.
I have just been with jewish Girls.
okay.
Then you kind of understand.
[ laughter .]
master, look.
There's an angry mob! oh-oh! we need to hide.
Yes, we need to hide the bride.
I'm not hiding.
I'm going out.
It's check day.
I got an outfit on.
I want to dance, baby.
let's get it.
we know what you have been Doing dr.
Blackenstein and it Ends -- I think we're going to see Some werewolves tonight, because That's a full moon.
what are you looking at? nothing, baby.
are you checking out the Bride of blackenstein's rear End? no way, baby.
You know I like my booty like Yours.
Flat and shapeless.
[ laughter .]
good! excuse me.
Are y'all the police? Because y'all don't have a Warrant I'm going to need you to Get up out ever my castle now.
her castle? see what I mean? that's right, it's my castle Now.
And next week my auntie is Coming to stay with us.
And she has a bad foot, so she's Going to need a room by the Toilet, okay? master, is an ass like that Really worth all the trouble? oh, it's worth it.
Just look at it.
bride of blackenstein Baby got back in time bride of blackenstein [ cheers and applause .]
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
That was the whole movie.
[ laughter .]
Tune in next week for the 1964 Blacksploitation antiwar satire, "dr.
Strangefunk: Or how I Learned to stop being a jive Turkey and love that juicy Booty.
" [ laughter .]
For "the essentials," I'm Robert osbourne.
You dig? you're watching mtv.
Shut up! what's up? I'm the head of programming at Mtv.
Impressed much? You should be, 'cause I'm the Genius behind our new sexy teen Show, "skins.
" Now, some people are upset or Whatever because we showed like A bunch of fourth graders having Sex and -- [ laughter .]
Doing heroin or something.
I don't know.
I haven't seen it.
'cause I'm bad at my job! [ laughter .]
Anyway, 'cause of all the Controversy and child porn laws We broke, weave lost a lot of Sponsors.
We lost footlocker.
We lost subway sandwiches, so Good.
[ laughter .]
And we lost wrigley -- like the Field, I guess.
[ laughter .]
And we lost l'oreal, you know, French oreos.
[ laughter .]
Guess what though? It's mine.
Guess what though? We had to get some sponsors.
They couldn't afford Commercials.
They could afford some sweet Product placement so check it Out on "skins.
" cool party.
yeah.
it's sexy.
yeah.
We should probably take our Shirts off.
yeah, we should.
But first, let's enjoy some of This kennedy fried chicken.
[ light laughter .]
kennedy fried chicken? looks sexy.
What's a bucket, like 50 bucks? try 9 bucks and that includes 12 hot pieces of chicken, a Steamy biscuit and some slutty Mashed potatoes.
[ laughter .]
whoa.
All for 9 bucks? Leaves plenty of extra money to Buy cocaine.
[ laughter .]
speaking of which, cool Cocaine.
oh.
You mean this awesome stuff? Nah.
This is jenkins tooth powder.
It's so sexy.
hey cassie, hey trent.
Should we do a three-way? yeah, but first, where'd you Get that new car we saw you pull Up in? you mean my 2003 corolla? It's not new but it's as good as New, thanks to waltzer toyota, Since 1991.
Waltz in with a little money, Waltz out with a fabulous, Gently-used car, at waltzer Toyota.
just hearing about used cars Makes me hella horny.
hey you underage hotties.
whoa, you're hot.
where did you get that hot Sweater? where else? The sweater dump near route 25.
It's where people go to dutch Their sweaters.
So what are we drinking? only the best.
Jose cortez scented rubbing Alcohol.
Look for the bottle with the Cartoon duck on the front.
Goes perfect with clamato brand Clam juice and a lime from the New fruit section of c.
P.
Wang Bodega, conveniently located Under the on-ramp to the Queensboro bridge.
"yeah, c.
P.
Wang, we sell fruit Now .
" [ laughter .]
mm, sexy.
We should all have sex.
oh, do you have condoms? only the best.
Trapper mcgee's squirrel skin Condom.
It's like having sex with a Squirrel skin.
Today.
that sounds great for young Vaginas.
[ laughter .]
speaking of young vaginas, Have you guys heard all this Stuff about italian prime Minister, silvio berlusconi? yeah, it sounds totally bogus it is.
And you can find out the truth Innocente.
Net.
[ laughter .]
cool.
yeah, this is a cool party.
let's take our clothes off.
I'm 12.
[ laughter .]
so there it is.
From great britain, through a Transatlantic sewer pipe, direct To your children.
Mtv, the "m" stands for mmmaahh! [ cheers and applause .]
relax and let all your cares Drift away.
This is "spa talk" with your Host tyler yonders.
why, hello.
Once again I'm tyler yonders.
Isn't stress gross? Life is full of stress with cars Honking, people pushing, and Wrappers crinkling.
Here at "spa talk ", we show you How to tackle your everyday Problems through a range of Holistic treatments.
My first guests are a married Couple experiencing stress in Their relationship.
Please welcome daniel and denise Leeson.
Why don't I go get them now? [ laughter .]
Oh, yes, please come in.
Sit down.
I'm going to be working with you Today.
Have a seat.
Tell me the source of your Stress.
well, the source of my stress Is right over here.
don't put your hands on my Face.
That's rude! I'm sensing tension.
This will help.
what are you doing?! spraying water all over your Face.
It's energizing, right? Do you feel better now? no, I don't, because my wife Is cheating on me.
all right.
I see what's going on.
What you need is a nice collagen Boosting cream.
Of this will fix everything.
what would fix everything is If my wife would stop sleeping With our downstairs boarder.
I converted that basement for Income, not so you can get your Booty challenged.
what does it feel like when I Do this? Does this feel nice? This feels good, right? That helps, right? I wouldn't be sleeping with Lester if you hadn't laughed at My mural! painting the wall one color Ain't no mural.
[ laughter .]
the collagen cream I used is Made from almond extracts, Vitamin "a," and bird doodle.
hold up.
Hold up.
Did I hear you correctly? You been rubbing bird do do on Our faces? [ laughter .]
it's from -- [ bell rings .]
I'm sorry, that was the end of Your session.
Hope you feel refreshed.
Good-bye.
Drink lots of water.
Weren't they great? It's so nice to see the complete Transformation.
Our next guests are a family With a lot of stress.
I find that most people carry Their stress in their shoulders Or their hinds.
Please, let me go get the Venettis.
Please, have a seat.
Sit down, have a seat.
Prepare to be pampered.
What's causing stress in your Life? my mom dresses like a tamp? excuse me! bras can be shirts, too.
what the hell is that? she got kicked out of the Grocery store.
it's a good thing you came to Me.
Here, smell my fingers.
what are you doing? [ laughter .]
this is an oil extract.
It's my own blend.
Myers lemon and renuz it.
[ laughter .]
can I say something? I dress the way I do because I Lost 238 pounds.
I'm proud of my body.
trimspa, baby! Wait, why am I vibrating? I'm turning on your vibrating Chair.
Feel the jiggle.
Let the jiggle take you.
And just relax.
Relax while I swat you with this Twig.
what is going on? oh, yes.
Isn't it rejuvenating? yesterday, she came to School.
everyone could see your Business.
only the short kids noticed.
if you don't like it, you can Run away.
her bush was out for a full Minute! the twig I use to swat you With is also from a bush.
A juniper bush.
this is the worst family I Have ever had.
I know what this group needs.
Of a nice exfoliating scrub.
You need a fresh start.
Now, you might feel a tiny, tiny Tingle or a big tingle or like An acid face fire.
Enjoy.
What is this? This stuff smells really nice? this cream is a blend of Marine salt, 12% glycolic acid And turtle doodle.
wait a minute.
Did you put turtle poop on our Faces? this is unsanitary.
it's from geneva and it's Organic.
Your time is up.
I hope you transport yourself to Serenity.
Drink lots of water.
Okay.
Go on now.
Pay up front.
Weren't they great.
Oh, I enjoyed working on them, And I believe they left her Transformed.
And remember, when the world is Stressing you out with a 50-hour Workweek and crying babies and People throwing brownies, Remember, remember to always Take time to pamper and refresh And we'll be right back with More "spa talk.
" [ cheers and applause .]
once again, mikki minaj.
fly with the stars In the skies I am no longer Trying to survive I believe that life Is a prize But to live Doesn't mean you're alive don't worry about me And who I fire I get what I desire It's my empire and yes I call the shots I am the umpire I sprinkle holy water Upon the vampire In this very moment I'm king in this very moment I slayed goliath with a sling This very moment I bring put it on everything That I will retire With the ring and I will retire With the crown Yes no, I'm not lucky I'm blessed yes clap for the heavyweight Champ Me but I couldn't do it All alone, we Young money raised me Grew up out in baisley southside jamaica Queens and it's crazy Cuz I'm still hood hollywood Couldn't change me Shout out to my haters sorry that You couldn't faze me Ain't being cocky.
We just vindicated best believe that When we done This moment will be Syndicated I don't know This night Just remind me of everything They deprived me of P-p-p-p-put your drinks up it's a celebration Every time we link up We done did everything they could think of Gr-greatness Is what we on the brink of I wish that I could Have this moment 4 life 4 life 4 life cause in this moment Just feel so alive Alive Alive I wish that I could Have this moment 4 life 4 life 4 life this is my moment I just feel so alive Alive Alive this is my moment I waited all night If I could tell the time missing the way I Run with the sunset I have become alive I could have this moment For life For life For life this is my moment I just feel so alive Alive Alive I wish that I could Have this moment 4 life 4 life 4 life this is my moment I just feel so alive Alive Alive [ cheers and applause .]
the following is a paid Advertisement.
hello.
I'm arthur perkins.
Does this always happen to you? we can't have sex.
It's too big! arthur, your penis is huge.
I hate that.
arthur perkins, your penis is Just too big.
I used to deal with that all The time.
Girls were constantly telling me It was too big.
yeah, and I'm his friend Randy and I had the same Problem, too, all the time.
our penises were too big.
that's why we take El shrinko.
el shrinko.
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it's too big.
if you saw our penises right Now, you would think they were Really small, like tiny.
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how does it work? not yet.
sorry.
really fast.
how does it work? you just take the pill like We do and you will go from too Big to just right.
[ laughter .]
yeah, and that's what the Girls prefer, just ask them.
I heard arthur's penis used To be really big.
But then I saw it, and it was Really small.
It must have shrunk, and I like That.
arthur's friend randy shrunk His thingy.
What is this for? Say it now? El shrinko.
[ laughter .]
pretty convincing.
Plus, it comes in a discreet Bottle that says el shrinko, That way if a girl is over and Accidentally sees the bottle on Your coffee table she will know That your wiener used to be way Bigger until you took El shrinko.
big weiners are for the Birds.
are you guys talking about El shrinko? get out of here, gary! Get out! [ laughter .]
el shrinko.
el shrinko.
el shrinko.
el shrinko, it's why arthur And randy's penises are so Small.
[ cheers and applause .]
Minaj.
Thank you so much to mark Zuckerberg.
Thank you so much for the cast And crew.
[ cheers and applause .]
Congresswoman michele bachmann's Response to the president's State of the union address.
The second attempt.
[ laughter .]
[ cheers and applause .]
good evening.
I'm congresswoman michele Bachmann from minnesota's sixth District.
Four nights ago on behalf of the Republican party and the tea Party, I delivered a response to President obama's state of the Union address.
Unfortunately, that response was Marred by some technical Difficulties, and it seems that Its core message was not Properly conveyed.
Accordingly I have asked for This time tonight in order to Try again.
Because, you see, the issues are Simply too important and the Stakes for our nation too high To do otherwise.
So here goes.
[ laughter .]
Two years ago when barack obama Became president, our nation's Unemployment rate was already 7.
8%, and our national debt an Astonishing $10.
6 trillion.
The economy was headed for Disaster.
As you can see from this chart.
[ laughter .]
Not a pretty picture, is it? Yet, instead of addressing our Economic problems, this President's policies have made Them worse, as this next chart Clearly shows.
[ laughter .]
That's right.
Under our current president We've gone from this to this.
[ laughter .]
But it doesn't have to be this Way.
By simply reducing spending and Returning to the core governing Principles of our founding Fathers, we can have an economy That looks like this.
[ laughter .]
But let's be honest, before any Of this can happen, we must First address the massive growth In entitlements, especially Social security.
I'm going to show you another Chart of the projected growth of Revenues into the social Security trust fund.
[ laughter .]
A little hard to see because I Drew the line in white.
Now, here is the same graph Adding projected social security Expenditures, also in white.
[ laughter .]
Sorry, that's not very clear.
Should we show that last graph In plaqblack? Do we have that? That's a little better.
Maybe not.
The point is the current Situation is unsustainable.
Consider this chart which shows The amount of federal spending Devoted just to interest on the National debt.
[ laughter .]
This is is the one I dropped in The snow.
That's a shame.
That was important.
But the point is the american People don't need graphs or Charts to tell us what we Already know.
Our country is headed in the Wrong direction and we all Remember what this president Promised us just one year ago at His first state of the union.
All right.
Obviously, that's not president Obama.
No, I know it's on this tape.
I just don't know where.
I don't have time to find it Now.
So let me just conclude by Saying, I realize how much the American people are sacrificing During these troubled economic Times.
We republicans get it.
And we want you to know we're Doing some belt-tightening of Our own.
For example, this presentation You just saw was done on a Reduced budget.
I'm not kidding.
We didn't even hire a Professional director.
Seriously.
Or a trained graphic designer.
And here is something else, Believe it or not, my makeup was Done by a child.
[ laughter .]
As god is my witness, she's 5 Years old.
So thank you for your attention.
May god bless america, and live From new york, it's Saturday Night! announcer: It's "Saturday Night live"! With fred armisen Abby elliott Bill hader Seth meyers Bobby moynihan Andy samberg Jason sudeikis Kenan thompson Kristen wigg Featuring vanessa bayer Paul brittain Taran killam Nasim pedrad Jay pharaoh Musical guest nicki minaj And your host, jesse eisenberg! Ladies and gentlemen, Jesse eisenberg! [ cheers and applause .]
thank you, thank you.
Thank you, thank you very much.
It is so great to be here, Hosting "Saturday night live.
" It's been a really exciting year For me.
I was in "the social network.
" [ cheers and applause .]
Thank you very much.
And, you know, I'm actually Really glad to be here because, You know, in a few movies I have Played guys who are kind of shy, You know, and unassuming, and That is just not me at all.
You know, and as you will see Tonight, well, I'm really cocky, You know.
In life, you know, I own it.
When I walk into a room, people Are just like, whoa, whoa, watch Out.
Who is that freight train of Confidence.
Or not.
I don't know.
That's presumptuous of me.
Anyway, although actually one Thing I am an expert in is Women.
You know, I do.
I know a lot about the ladies.
Like, for example, I know every 28 days a female will shed their Uterine lining.
[ laughter .]
No, it's true.
That's true.
That would be a thing like if I Were out on a date, you know, With a lady, she wouldn't have To explain that to me.
You know, because I already know It.
You know, because I'm so cocky And I can't wait for the oscars.
I'm going to -- thank you.
I am going to take jack Nicholson's seat in the front Row.
I'm going to say, sorry, jack, Here's jesse.
I'm not going to say that.
Even thinking of saying Something like that is kind of Giving me a panic attack right Now.
You know what? I feel like I'm misrepresenting Myself.
well, misrepresenting people Is something you have a lot of Practice with.
whoa, mark zuckerberg.
Hey, how are you? how am I? I'm bad, okay? You got nominated for an academy Award for playing me, and what Do I get, you know? What do I have to feel good About? wasn't facebook just valued At like $50 billion? oh, that's right, yeah.
Well, good luck at your dinky Movie award thing.
All hail the zuck.
Why can't I go in there? I'm the real mark zuckerberg.
and I'm pretty sure at least One of those guys is the real Mark zuckerberg? no, I am.
That guy is like my evil twin And that's andy samberg.
Those guys are such nerds.
I invented "poking.
" yeah.
You're better off backstage.
okay.
We're going to let you in on the Joke.
This isn't mark zuckerberg.
This is andy samberg.
yes, and may I say, jesse, That I loved your zuckerberg.
How do you do yours? thank you.
I speak in short clipped Sentences and I keep my head Very still like this.
But I love yours actually.
What is your technique? I wear this sweatshirt.
And I say, I'm mark zuckerberg.
straightforward.
And, of course, I wasn't really Doing mark zuckerberg.
I was interpreting a fictional Character in a movie script.
[ cheers and applause .]
thank you for coming here.
wait.
Have you two not met? no.
no.
awkward! [ laughter .]
well, I'll be going.
Samberg out.
so -- so -- yeah, yeah.
I really, really, really Liked you on "60 minutes.
" thanks, man.
you ever end up seeing the Film, "the social network.
" yeah, I did.
thanks.
And what did you think? it was interesting.
interesting.
You know, I'll take it.
Thank you, great.
Hey, you know what, why don't we Do this together.
cool, we have a great show For you tonight.
Nicki minaj is here.
right.
so stick around.
We'll be right back.
[ cheers and applause .]
let's face it, life is Pretty busy.
Even when you're not working it Seems like millions of other Things suddenly come up.
So if you're like me, a busy guy In a preop transsexual in his Third month of hormone Treatments, leading estrogen Supplement that works for your Schedule.
There they are.
You deserve to be the body you Want.
Most hormone replacement Therapies require you to take Five estrogen supplements a day, Five.
Who has time for that? But now, there's hope.
Once daily estromaxx.
A single daily pill that gives You all the sex changing Hormones you need.
because I don't want to spend My day taking estrogen, but I do Want to become a woman.
[ laughter .]
I'm the head of a major Corporation.
I can't spend all day increasing Market share and turning my Penis in a functional vagina.
But with once daily estromaxx, I Can work while my estrogen does.
once daily estromaxx does What you need, grows your Breasts, redistributes your body Fat, and shrinks those pesky Male genitals.
I'm becoming the person I Want to be and without the Hassle.
Thanks, estromaxx.
[ laughter .]
once daily estromaxx tackles Gender reversal so you can Tackle life.
I need some syrup because my Nipples are as big as silver Dollar pancakes.
[ laughter .]
that's amazing.
Jf that's once daily estromaxx.
once daily estromaxx is a Powerful dose of estrogen.
If you do not wish to become a Woman, you should not take once Daily estromaxx.
[ laughter .]
Men taking estrogen may develop An interest in tlc's "say yes to The dress.
" [ laughter .]
once daily estromaxx.
Nature got in your way.
Your estrogen pills shouldn't.
[ cheers and applause .]
you're watching nickelodeon After dark.
Coming up, a classic episode of "mr.
Wizard.
" hey, kids.
all: Hey, mr.
Wizard! today we're going to learn About something called static Lelectricity and you're the Conductor.
Now, everything is made up of Atoms, but what floats around Those atoms? Does anybody know? Chris? I don't know.
claudette? I don't really know.
lauren? electrons.
good! And we rub up against something, Sometimes those tiny electrons Move.
Now, everyone take a balloon.
Now, what I want you to do is Rub that balloon on yourself.
There you go.
On your sweater, on your arm Like this.
You can even rub it on your Partner.
Go ahead.
Yeah.
Very good.
Get worked up.
It's science! [ laughter .]
okay, chris, chris, Claudette, guys, guys.
That's fine.
That's enough with the balloons.
Now, what have we just Experienced with the balloons? Chris? something new.
yes, but what? I don't know.
it felt like a good headache.
actually, we've created an Electronic field, and if you get A strong-enough field, your Balloons can stick to anything, Even a wall.
Let's go ahead and rub our Balloons again, but this time Just on our sleeves, everyone.
Just on the sleeve.
There you go.
Now, in order for it to stick, You really need to rub a lot.
The more you rub the more those Electrons will transfer over Giving you a really powerful Static charge.
Are you guys feeling that Charge? yes.
I feel it! okay, okay.
That's enough.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, that's Enough.
Enough with the balloons.
Stop it.
We're all done.
this is fun.
Not of that fun.
let's put our balloons on the Board.
See how it sticks? How about that? Now what did we learn from the Experience.
I like rubbing.
not really, no, no, no.
Think about the experiment.
Did you learn anything? balloons make things grow.
no, no, no.
Let's move on.
Now, people aren't the only Conductors.
Have you ever heard of a Generator.
wow, that's big.
yeah, yeah.
sure is.
This electrostatic generator can Reach up to five megavolts just From all the vibrating.
Do you want to see what it can Do to you? yeah, hurry up.
okay.
Here we go.
Now, go ahead and touch it.
See what happens.
What's happening here is we're Accelerating electrons to create An electromagnetic field.
If you stay in the field long Enough, you will be fully Charged with negative electrons.
Now, are you fully charged yet? yeah.
oh, sweet maria, get off, get Off of there, guys.
but it's good for me.
yes, I want to do science in The shower.
no, you don't.
No, you don't.
When we come back you'll learn Another great conductor, body Heat.
Oh, boy.
[ cheers and applause .]
yeah, okay.
Welcome to "don't forget the Lyrics.
" I'm your host mark mcgrath, and Yeah, I do this now.
[ cheers and applause .]
No, no, I don't know why.
Okay.
As always, our audience has been Force fed mountain dew and diet Pills since 5:00 this morning And they are ready to rock and Roll.
[ cheers and applause .]
All right, let's bring out Today's contestant.
Everyone, please give a crazed Welcome to kenny lushing from Providence, rhode island! [ cheers and applause .]
yes, I have seen this show.
all right.
Tell us a little about yourself, Kenny.
well, mark, I'm 22 years old.
I'm a part-time student and I Was just fired from domino's Pizza for reasons of hygiene.
Yeah! [ cheers and applause .]
that's great.
You know the rules.
We supply the music, you supply The words.
But when the music cuts out, Make sure you don't forget the Lyrics.
that is the purpose of this Show, yes! I am feeling the wrath of Mcgrath.
Our first category is rock.
And your song choices are "love In an elevator" by aerosmith and "I love rock and roll" by Joan jett.
mark, I'm going to go with "I Love rock and roll" because I Love rocks and I love rolls.
[ cheers and applause .]
He knows, over there.
all right, kenny.
"I love rock and roll" by Joan jett.
We are looking for ten missing Lyrics.
All right? Hit it! all right.
Crank her up.
I love rock and roll So put another dime in the Jukebox baby I love rock and roll so come and kiss a lime You dance machine [ laughter .]
wow, okay, okay.
Come and kiss a line you dns Machine? Do you want to lock in those Lyrics? yeah, let's lock them in.
oh! I'm sorry, kenny.
The correct lyrics were "come And take the time and dance with Me.
" yeah.
Yeah, I'm sorry, I guess I'm a Little nervous.
it's understandable, man.
This is vh1.
It's 2:00 in the afternoon.
It's all happening! [ cheers and applause .]
Hey, don't worry because we're Moving on to the next song.
Are you ready, kenny? I'm ready.
Are you ready, mr.
Mark? I'm under contract! [ laughter .]
Got to be ready.
So let's rock.
Our net category is pop and your Choices are "doctor, doctor" by Robert palmer or "fly" by my old Group sugar ray.
I really don't remember the Song "fly" by sugar ray.
oh, really? Oh, that's funny because you Know who did remember that song? The marketing team for Cajun pringles in 1997.
They seemed to think it Represented a generation so -- okay, well, I'm still going To go with "doctor, doctor.
" the doctor is in.
Hit it.
this one is for all the Doctors, male and female.
[ clapping .]
I need you to soothe my head And turn my blue heart To red Doctor, doctor give me the news I got one extra testicle I'm sorry.
Oh, my god, I'm sorry.
Oh, no.
I'm sorry.
The lyrics were a bad case of Loving you, not one extra Testicle.
Where did that come from? from birth.
sorry.
You know, when I get nervous I Kind of just like blurt whatever Is on my mind.
It probably happens all the Time.
no, not to me.
I'm going to pick the next song For you.
It's an easy one.
It's "celebration" by kool and The gang.
You pumped? yeah, I think so.
Yeah.
okay.
Here we go.
celebrate saddam hussein I was thinking of another Song.
what song? there is no song.
the final round, the song is "it's not unusual" by tom jones.
He only need to give us three Missing lyrics.
They're the title of the song.
I think I can do this, markey Mark.
different guy.
are you going to dance this Time? I doubt it, kenny.
No, I really do.
Wait, hold on.
Oh, I'm not allowed to stop Dancing? Okay.
I'm what? What are you saying? Oh, replaceable.
Okay.
You got it.
Sorry about that.
Hit it! it's not unusual To get a boner At the movies [ laughter .]
it's not unusual If it was "toy story 3" that's not right is it? it's wrong on a number of Levels, okay? But come back, okay? Come back when you want.
All right, that's the show.
Another day done for Mark mcgrath.
I make notches on my wall like I'm in prison.
This is vh1.
Good afternoon! [ cheers and applause .]
next week, dana carvey with Musical guest linkin park.
you're watching wstd news New york.
good morning, everyone.
Our top story today, a Prestigious new york college is Reeling following a drug bust on Campus.
Veteran reporter herb welch is On the scene, who today is Celebrating his 58th year at our Network.
Herb? [ laughter .]
hello, don.
hello, herb, and Congratulations.
Now, tell us whas what's Happening on campus.
I'm here with Derrick smalls jr.
it's just derrick smalls.
I'm a junior in school.
oh -- Now, tell me, what happened.
[ laughter .]
um, okay.
The police came in with, like, Dogs and stuff, and they busted Into the hinckley dorm.
are you sleep walking? Do you have the flu? [ laughter .]
what? you're wearing pajama Bottoms.
Terry, get a shot of this.
that's just like -- that's What I wear.
well, there you have it.
Changing times and changing Fashions.
Back to you, jack.
herb, herb, no.
Let's follow up a little.
Did the young man know the Students involved? Come on.
what? did the young man know the Students involved? Come on, like, dig a little Deeper.
Let's go, come on.
don't give me the high hat.
[ laughter .]
Did you know the students? [ laughter .]
yeah, actually I bought -- I Mean, no, no, I don't know them.
are you sad they're tearing Down ebbetts field? come on, herb.
Come on.
I don't know what you're Talking about.
exactly.
Let's stay on story, please.
who's your favorite player? Is it pee wee reese? this guy keeps hitting me in The face.
Is that -- is that how tv works? no, it is not.
Herb, be professional.
jack, why don't you sit on Inju Your jacket and I'll do the News.
would you please ask him the Question.
did you know about the drugs? I -- well, answer me.
no one here is high.
I swear.
excuse me, I'm an r.
A.
Here, And that's not true at all.
a sad day in brooklyn.
Back to you, jack.
no, herb.
No.
Why don't you turn around and Talk to that r.
A.
I'm not going to take Reporter lessons from a can of Hairspray.
[ laughter .]
come on.
[ laughter .]
all right.
come on, herb.
Hold it together, herb.
[ laughter .]
lay it on me, my man.
What went down? [ laughter .]
no one here is surprised.
Drugs have been a problem in the Dorms for some time.
there you have it.
A city college now fully Integrated.
no, no! [ laughter .]
no, that is not the story, Herb.
don't tell me how to frame The lead.
no way.
Am I on tv? The gecko, not geico.
herb, come on.
[ screaming .]
come on, herb.
Damn it.
I know why you're angry but This guy is kind of awesome.
but he should be doing his Job.
maybe I ought to be the Anchor again.
no, you can't be, herb.
You were fired for praying the Rosary on the air.
father pat says god loves Herb welch.
yeah, well the father doesn't Run the network.
don't talk about my parish.
[ laughter .]
okay, all right.
Just cut away, please.
Can we cut away? Our apologies to you at home.
Up next, we will talk to police Chief ray kelly.
Oh, but first some sad news, we Have just received word that Our own herb welch has died five Seconds ago.
We go to the scene now.
[ laughter .]
I'm not dead, you -- [ cheers and applause .]
yeah.
Hi, I'm john, and this is the Freak.
we get out at the club And you see a fly girl Do the creep Do the creep if you want to make friends At the atm Do the creep Do the creep we got a new dance So, get up on your feet It's really easy to do And it's called the creep lift your hands up Around like a marionette Pop your knees up and down And shake your neck now pull your waistband up Like you're expecting a flood And stick your hands down flat Like you're covered in mud a mud bath and pop them Peepers Focus on your sneakers You're a certified creeper when you see cut of beef Laying out at the beach Do the creep Do the creep and when a fly piece Walks in front of your tree Do the creep Do the creep you're 6 years old And that's sort of creepy My parents took me to their Room and I saw a peepee I cried When they lifted their head They saw me At the foot of the bed knew I was a creep Since the someday I was born My mother like Gotta go she started freaking Because I'm creeping little did they know That was me they were bottling I would laugh Ha-ha-ha-ha they were scared open up your peepers And turn up your speakers come on get your creep on do the creep Do the creep when you're seconds to wake And you see big cake Do the creep Do the creep when the judge is a hottie And you can't control your body Do the creep Do the creep keep your knees flexing And your arms t-rexing Do the creep Do the creep don't forget to smile.
[ cheers and applause .]
ladies and gentlemen, Nicki minaj! [ cheers and applause .]
[ cheers and applause .]
you see right through me How do you do that? How do you do that? how do you do that? How do you, how do you How do you, how do you how do you you let me win You let me ride You let me rock You let me slide and when they looking You let me hide Defend my honor Protect my pride the good advice I always hated But looking back It made me greater you always told me Forget the haters Just get my money Just get my weight up know when I'm lying Know when I'm crying It's like you got it Down to a science why am I trying No, you ain't lying I tried to fight it Back with defiance you make me laugh You make hoarse From yelling at you At gettin' at you pickin' up dishes And throwing them at you Why are you speaking When no one asked you? you see right through me How do you do that? How do you do that? how do you do that? How do you, how do you How do you, how do you how do you? you see right through me How do you do that? How do you do that? how do you do that? How do you, how do you How do you, how do you how do you what are we doing Could you see through me Cause you say nicki And I say "who me?" you say "no you" And I say, "screw you" Then you start dressing And you start leaving and I start crying And I start screaming The heavy breathing But what's the reason always get the Reaction you wanted I'm actually frontin' I'm asking you something yo, answer this question Class is in session Tired of letting Passive aggression control my mind Capture my soul Okay, you're right Just let it go okay you got it It's in the can Before I played it You knew my hand you can turn a Free-throw to a goal He got the peephole To my soul you see right through me How do you do that? How do you do that? how do you do that? How do you, how do you How do you, how do you how do you you see right through me How do you do that? How do you do that? how do you do that? How do you, how do you How do you, how do you how do you stop Stop Won't you just stop Looking through me cause I can't take it No I can't take it you see right through me How do you do that? How do you do that? how do you do that? How do you, how do you How do you, how do you how do you you see right through me You see right through me Baby you see right through me You see right through me do that Do that Do that Do that, baby? [ cheers and applause .]
good evening.
I'm seth meyers.
Here are tonight's top stories.
in egypt tens of thousands Of protesters angry with the Policies of hosni mubarak Clashed with police in what was Called a day of rage.
Sort of like what we have here Every time the mcrib goes away Again.
[ laughter .]
representative michele Bachmann this week created a Controversy when she said in a Speech that the founding fathers Worked tirelessly until slavery Was no more.
Apparently she spent her high School history class looking off To the right of the blackboard.
[ laughter .]
president obama on Tuesday Delivered the state of the union Address.
America's annual opportunity to Half heartedly applaud the idea Of solar panels.
"yeah, okay.
Never going to happen.
" During his speech, president Obama also called on americans To do big things, so get ready For the new kfc triple down.
[ laughter .]
this week comcast officially Took control of nbc universal, And I have to say, things are Better already.
Seriously, I have to say that.
[ laughter .]
this week despite riots and Calls for his resignation, Egyptian president hosni mubarak Refused to step down and has Fired his entire cabinet.
Here to explain, and I can't Believe we got him to come all The way here, egyptian president Hosni mubarak.
[ cheers and applause .]
thank you, seth.
This is a very difficult time For everyone.
People in egypt are very, very Upset.
yes, and they're upset Because they want you to resign, Correct? no, seth, they love me.
[ laughter .]
They are upset because the Internet is down.
They can't check their e-mails And the blogs.
It's very frustrating.
no the internet is down Because your government shut it Down.
what? No, no, no, no, no.
The minute the internet went Out, my administration launched Into action and got it right Back up and running.
what did you do? They gave us a four-hour window From noon to 4:00 in which they Promised to come and service the Problem.
So I wait around, and I wait Around, and at like 3:55 I have To run to a meeting, and sure Enough, that's when they show Up.
Mr.
President, come on.
[ laughter .]
That's my doorman's joke.
look, I feel like we're Getting off track.
I mean, do you intend to stay in Power? I have been the Democratically elected leader of Egypt for 30 years.
how can you be in power for 30 years in a democracy? I am beloved.
My profl rate something 115%.
Numbers don't lie.
I feel like you're missing The signals.
egyptians have never been Great with signals.
Read the bible.
We needed ten plagues before we Let the israelites go, ten.
We have locusts.
Toads raining from the sky, Rivers turning into blood, and Still we were like, let's see How this plays out.
Excuse me, but not to worried About a couple guys in adidas Sweatshirts throwing bricks.
If I resign, what am I going do? I have been an egyptian President for 30 years.
Is there another egypt that Needs a president that I don't Know about? That is why I'm willing to take The following steps to prove That I am willing to change.
Number one, I'm firing my Cabinet.
good.
tow, I'm hiring a new cabinet Made up of fired members of my Old cabinet.
[ laughter .]
is that it? yes again.
oh, no.
Mr.
President hosni mubarak! [ cheers and applause .]
representative dennis Kucinich has filed a lawsuit Against the cafeteria in the House of representatives, saying That he suffered dental damage From a sandwich wrap that Contained an unpitted olive.
And just think, that guy was This close to being our President.
Charlie sheen on Thursday was Taken to the hospital suffering From an aggravated hernia after He reportedly spent more than 24 Hours partying with five women And a briefcase full of cocaine.
It was a smart move keeping the Cocaine in a briefcase because Then if anyone saw him, they'd Definitely think there goes Charlie sheen with some Paperwork.
[ laughter .]
[ cheers and applause .]
That 50-year-old man with Sunglasses and cargo shorts must Be going to an important Meeting.
[ laughter .]
It was noted for the first time In super bowl history, neither Of the teams competing have Cheerleaders.
No word yet on how players from Either team will remember to go.
Olympic olympic [ laughter .]
Green bay had cheerleaders at One point, but stopped after 1965's tragic frozen human pir Rid incident.
Two women in new york are suing The trendy standard hotel Alleging that they were fired From their waitressing jobs for Not being willowy, svelte, and Statuesque.
Though I think they got fired For spending their work hours Reading a thesaurus.
[ laughter .]
scientists are saying Elderly people are having Trouble driving because they Don't focus on things in the Foreround and instead focus on Interracial couples on the Sidewalk.
The oscar nominations were Announced this week.
Here to comment, and I have been Asked to read it this way, tyler Perry presents tyler perry.
[ cheers and applause .]
oh! Hello, seth.
Hello, everyone.
I'm tyler perry.
Well, the oscar nominations are Out and once again I was left Out.
Not one nomination.
Poor, poor tyler perry.
Oh, money everywhere.
But, you know, I have 28 essence Awards.
That's three more than holly Robinson peete, but no oscar Nominations.
So I have been studying the kind Of movies that get nominated.
There's "the social network" About a group of harvard kids Fighting over billions of Dollars, or "the king's speech" About a rich king who is Embarrassed when talking in Front of people.
These are the type of win win Low stakes situations I call White people problems.
[ laughter .]
Meanwhile, I have been doing Movies about overcoming drug Addiction, marital infidelity, And dealing with life in prison.
All featuring a big sassy woman In a housecoat.
And all I've got to show for it Is $800 million.
but, tier, have you ever Really tried to make an oscar Movie? oh, absolutely, seth.
I thought "for colored girls" Was going to be my oscar picture Until later someone pointed out That the title reminded people Of a sign next to a water Fountain in the 1950s.
Never even crossed my mind.
My best friend is oprah.
[ laughter .]
My next movie is guaranteed to Get some oscar notice.
It's about a brilliant student In north carolina who creates The top african-american social Networking site in the world.
It's called "tyler perry Presents I can do internet all By myself.
" [ laughter .]
The film stars jesse eisenberg, A seasoned veteran of white People movies like "adventureland," where a young Man is stabbed because he has a Job.
[ laughter .]
It features my alter ego madea As his sassy but wise roommate.
so is it a drama or a comedy? well, seth, like all of my Movies, it makes wild swings From broad comedy into Dismal melodrama.
Do you think that's a little Strange? Maybe so.
Maybe 20 million tyler perry Fans are wrong.
Excuse me.
Have some money, seth.
There you go.
I own an island.
So please mark your calendars For "I can do internet all by Myself.
" It's got jesse eisenberg, madea, And cicely tyson as bill gates.
Your move, academy.
tyler perry, everyone! [ cheers and applause .]
that's for you.
thank you.
so much money.
according to new research, Couples who have been together For more than 20 years can still Be just as much in love as People who are at the beginning Stages of a relationship.
The keys are a healthy sex life And making sure your spouse Doesn't find out about your Healthy sex life.
a woman in argentina who was Trying to commit suicide Survived after she jumped from The 23rd floor of a hotel and Landed on a taxi, and you know That if it happened in new york, Someone would have yelled, "hey, That's my cab!" it was reported lady gaga is Developing her own fragrance.
She wants to smell like semen And blood.
The new fragrance will be called Hotel mattress.
Excuse me, are you wearing hotel Mattress? No? So it's just semen and blood? It was very nice meeting you.
mtv announced that the Fourth season of "jersey shore" Will take place in Italy, which, God willing, will segue into an Awesome episode of locked up Abroad.
I'm seth meyers.
Good night! you're watching turner Classic movies.
welcome to "the essentials.
" I'm robert osbourne.
Tonight, we take a journey Through one of my favorite Genres, 1970s blacksploitation Horror films.
There are so many classics from The era.
"blackula," "the black creature From the black lagoon," and, of Course, "the phantom of the Apollo.
" [ laughter .]
But perhaps one of the most Memorable was the 1972 classic, "the bride of blackenstein.
" Let's take a look.
blackenstein! You were my greatest creation, The coolest, baddest, blackest Monster on the face of the Earth! arr.
and tonight as I promised, I Will give you a bride! arr? igor! yes, master? it's time to pull the switch For the bride of blackenstein, Baby.
It's alive! It's alive! It's damn! she's beautiful, master! And I'm sure the swelling in her Backside will go down soon.
oh, it better not.
That booty is a piece of modern Science.
that's why you had me fill Those two basketballs with Jell-o.
double dribble.
you think people will like That? like it? They'll love it.
Just look at blackenstein.
that's what I'm talking About.
[ laughter .]
He's about to get his groove on.
oh, no, he is not! she speaks.
She speaks! uh-oh, that's not good.
[ laughter .]
you think you can just walk Up on me and get some of this? I mean all of this? no, no.
I mean -- arr! arr? Don't you say "arr" to me.
I know you can talk.
And the first words out your Mouth better be "I'm getting a Job.
" [ laughter .]
igor, man, where did you get That brain? from a woman who had just Died.
what kind of woman? she worked at the dmv.
[ laughter .]
and what about the Fingernails? from a cashier at walgreens.
and where did you get the Mouth? from a ho who didn't know her Place.
[ laughter .]
and where did you get her Hair? excuse me, this hair is real.
okay, okay.
very nice hair.
come on, baby.
I just need some loving from my Bride.
bride? Bride? Did you get me an invisible Ring, because I don't see Nothing on my finger.
You don't know me.
I ain't never met you.
You taking me to dinner first or Something.
Come on now.
but I had plans tonight.
I'm going out with wolfman and The mummy.
that smelly ass dog person And old mr.
Bandage? Uh-uh, no way.
No way.
They're my friends, baby.
not no more.
From now on I'm your friend.
And I barely even like you.
master, I don't understand.
Why doesn't he just tell her He's a man and she should do as He says? have you ever been with a Sister? no! then you wouldn't understand.
I have just been with jewish Girls.
okay.
Then you kind of understand.
[ laughter .]
master, look.
There's an angry mob! oh-oh! we need to hide.
Yes, we need to hide the bride.
I'm not hiding.
I'm going out.
It's check day.
I got an outfit on.
I want to dance, baby.
let's get it.
we know what you have been Doing dr.
Blackenstein and it Ends -- I think we're going to see Some werewolves tonight, because That's a full moon.
what are you looking at? nothing, baby.
are you checking out the Bride of blackenstein's rear End? no way, baby.
You know I like my booty like Yours.
Flat and shapeless.
[ laughter .]
good! excuse me.
Are y'all the police? Because y'all don't have a Warrant I'm going to need you to Get up out ever my castle now.
her castle? see what I mean? that's right, it's my castle Now.
And next week my auntie is Coming to stay with us.
And she has a bad foot, so she's Going to need a room by the Toilet, okay? master, is an ass like that Really worth all the trouble? oh, it's worth it.
Just look at it.
bride of blackenstein Baby got back in time bride of blackenstein [ cheers and applause .]
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
That was the whole movie.
[ laughter .]
Tune in next week for the 1964 Blacksploitation antiwar satire, "dr.
Strangefunk: Or how I Learned to stop being a jive Turkey and love that juicy Booty.
" [ laughter .]
For "the essentials," I'm Robert osbourne.
You dig? you're watching mtv.
Shut up! what's up? I'm the head of programming at Mtv.
Impressed much? You should be, 'cause I'm the Genius behind our new sexy teen Show, "skins.
" Now, some people are upset or Whatever because we showed like A bunch of fourth graders having Sex and -- [ laughter .]
Doing heroin or something.
I don't know.
I haven't seen it.
'cause I'm bad at my job! [ laughter .]
Anyway, 'cause of all the Controversy and child porn laws We broke, weave lost a lot of Sponsors.
We lost footlocker.
We lost subway sandwiches, so Good.
[ laughter .]
And we lost wrigley -- like the Field, I guess.
[ laughter .]
And we lost l'oreal, you know, French oreos.
[ laughter .]
Guess what though? It's mine.
Guess what though? We had to get some sponsors.
They couldn't afford Commercials.
They could afford some sweet Product placement so check it Out on "skins.
" cool party.
yeah.
it's sexy.
yeah.
We should probably take our Shirts off.
yeah, we should.
But first, let's enjoy some of This kennedy fried chicken.
[ light laughter .]
kennedy fried chicken? looks sexy.
What's a bucket, like 50 bucks? try 9 bucks and that includes 12 hot pieces of chicken, a Steamy biscuit and some slutty Mashed potatoes.
[ laughter .]
whoa.
All for 9 bucks? Leaves plenty of extra money to Buy cocaine.
[ laughter .]
speaking of which, cool Cocaine.
oh.
You mean this awesome stuff? Nah.
This is jenkins tooth powder.
It's so sexy.
hey cassie, hey trent.
Should we do a three-way? yeah, but first, where'd you Get that new car we saw you pull Up in? you mean my 2003 corolla? It's not new but it's as good as New, thanks to waltzer toyota, Since 1991.
Waltz in with a little money, Waltz out with a fabulous, Gently-used car, at waltzer Toyota.
just hearing about used cars Makes me hella horny.
hey you underage hotties.
whoa, you're hot.
where did you get that hot Sweater? where else? The sweater dump near route 25.
It's where people go to dutch Their sweaters.
So what are we drinking? only the best.
Jose cortez scented rubbing Alcohol.
Look for the bottle with the Cartoon duck on the front.
Goes perfect with clamato brand Clam juice and a lime from the New fruit section of c.
P.
Wang Bodega, conveniently located Under the on-ramp to the Queensboro bridge.
"yeah, c.
P.
Wang, we sell fruit Now .
" [ laughter .]
mm, sexy.
We should all have sex.
oh, do you have condoms? only the best.
Trapper mcgee's squirrel skin Condom.
It's like having sex with a Squirrel skin.
Today.
that sounds great for young Vaginas.
[ laughter .]
speaking of young vaginas, Have you guys heard all this Stuff about italian prime Minister, silvio berlusconi? yeah, it sounds totally bogus it is.
And you can find out the truth Innocente.
Net.
[ laughter .]
cool.
yeah, this is a cool party.
let's take our clothes off.
I'm 12.
[ laughter .]
so there it is.
From great britain, through a Transatlantic sewer pipe, direct To your children.
Mtv, the "m" stands for mmmaahh! [ cheers and applause .]
relax and let all your cares Drift away.
This is "spa talk" with your Host tyler yonders.
why, hello.
Once again I'm tyler yonders.
Isn't stress gross? Life is full of stress with cars Honking, people pushing, and Wrappers crinkling.
Here at "spa talk ", we show you How to tackle your everyday Problems through a range of Holistic treatments.
My first guests are a married Couple experiencing stress in Their relationship.
Please welcome daniel and denise Leeson.
Why don't I go get them now? [ laughter .]
Oh, yes, please come in.
Sit down.
I'm going to be working with you Today.
Have a seat.
Tell me the source of your Stress.
well, the source of my stress Is right over here.
don't put your hands on my Face.
That's rude! I'm sensing tension.
This will help.
what are you doing?! spraying water all over your Face.
It's energizing, right? Do you feel better now? no, I don't, because my wife Is cheating on me.
all right.
I see what's going on.
What you need is a nice collagen Boosting cream.
Of this will fix everything.
what would fix everything is If my wife would stop sleeping With our downstairs boarder.
I converted that basement for Income, not so you can get your Booty challenged.
what does it feel like when I Do this? Does this feel nice? This feels good, right? That helps, right? I wouldn't be sleeping with Lester if you hadn't laughed at My mural! painting the wall one color Ain't no mural.
[ laughter .]
the collagen cream I used is Made from almond extracts, Vitamin "a," and bird doodle.
hold up.
Hold up.
Did I hear you correctly? You been rubbing bird do do on Our faces? [ laughter .]
it's from -- [ bell rings .]
I'm sorry, that was the end of Your session.
Hope you feel refreshed.
Good-bye.
Drink lots of water.
Weren't they great? It's so nice to see the complete Transformation.
Our next guests are a family With a lot of stress.
I find that most people carry Their stress in their shoulders Or their hinds.
Please, let me go get the Venettis.
Please, have a seat.
Sit down, have a seat.
Prepare to be pampered.
What's causing stress in your Life? my mom dresses like a tamp? excuse me! bras can be shirts, too.
what the hell is that? she got kicked out of the Grocery store.
it's a good thing you came to Me.
Here, smell my fingers.
what are you doing? [ laughter .]
this is an oil extract.
It's my own blend.
Myers lemon and renuz it.
[ laughter .]
can I say something? I dress the way I do because I Lost 238 pounds.
I'm proud of my body.
trimspa, baby! Wait, why am I vibrating? I'm turning on your vibrating Chair.
Feel the jiggle.
Let the jiggle take you.
And just relax.
Relax while I swat you with this Twig.
what is going on? oh, yes.
Isn't it rejuvenating? yesterday, she came to School.
everyone could see your Business.
only the short kids noticed.
if you don't like it, you can Run away.
her bush was out for a full Minute! the twig I use to swat you With is also from a bush.
A juniper bush.
this is the worst family I Have ever had.
I know what this group needs.
Of a nice exfoliating scrub.
You need a fresh start.
Now, you might feel a tiny, tiny Tingle or a big tingle or like An acid face fire.
Enjoy.
What is this? This stuff smells really nice? this cream is a blend of Marine salt, 12% glycolic acid And turtle doodle.
wait a minute.
Did you put turtle poop on our Faces? this is unsanitary.
it's from geneva and it's Organic.
Your time is up.
I hope you transport yourself to Serenity.
Drink lots of water.
Okay.
Go on now.
Pay up front.
Weren't they great.
Oh, I enjoyed working on them, And I believe they left her Transformed.
And remember, when the world is Stressing you out with a 50-hour Workweek and crying babies and People throwing brownies, Remember, remember to always Take time to pamper and refresh And we'll be right back with More "spa talk.
" [ cheers and applause .]
once again, mikki minaj.
fly with the stars In the skies I am no longer Trying to survive I believe that life Is a prize But to live Doesn't mean you're alive don't worry about me And who I fire I get what I desire It's my empire and yes I call the shots I am the umpire I sprinkle holy water Upon the vampire In this very moment I'm king in this very moment I slayed goliath with a sling This very moment I bring put it on everything That I will retire With the ring and I will retire With the crown Yes no, I'm not lucky I'm blessed yes clap for the heavyweight Champ Me but I couldn't do it All alone, we Young money raised me Grew up out in baisley southside jamaica Queens and it's crazy Cuz I'm still hood hollywood Couldn't change me Shout out to my haters sorry that You couldn't faze me Ain't being cocky.
We just vindicated best believe that When we done This moment will be Syndicated I don't know This night Just remind me of everything They deprived me of P-p-p-p-put your drinks up it's a celebration Every time we link up We done did everything they could think of Gr-greatness Is what we on the brink of I wish that I could Have this moment 4 life 4 life 4 life cause in this moment Just feel so alive Alive Alive I wish that I could Have this moment 4 life 4 life 4 life this is my moment I just feel so alive Alive Alive this is my moment I waited all night If I could tell the time missing the way I Run with the sunset I have become alive I could have this moment For life For life For life this is my moment I just feel so alive Alive Alive I wish that I could Have this moment 4 life 4 life 4 life this is my moment I just feel so alive Alive Alive [ cheers and applause .]
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I hate that.
arthur perkins, your penis is Just too big.
I used to deal with that all The time.
Girls were constantly telling me It was too big.
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it's too big.
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how does it work? not yet.
sorry.
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[ laughter .]
yeah, and that's what the Girls prefer, just ask them.
I heard arthur's penis used To be really big.
But then I saw it, and it was Really small.
It must have shrunk, and I like That.
arthur's friend randy shrunk His thingy.
What is this for? Say it now? El shrinko.
[ laughter .]
pretty convincing.
Plus, it comes in a discreet Bottle that says el shrinko, That way if a girl is over and Accidentally sees the bottle on Your coffee table she will know That your wiener used to be way Bigger until you took El shrinko.
big weiners are for the Birds.
are you guys talking about El shrinko? get out of here, gary! Get out! [ laughter .]
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[ cheers and applause .]
Minaj.
Thank you so much to mark Zuckerberg.
Thank you so much for the cast And crew.
[ cheers and applause .]