Saturday Night Live (1975) s37e04 Episode Script
Anna Faris Drake
The following is a message of New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE .]
Hello.
I'm Michael Bloomberg.
Now, before I begin, I hope you have all recovered from the traumatic, leaf-rustling earthquake that hit New York this July.
Also, I'd like the apologize for all the Hurricane Irene hysteria this summer, but since you're such bitches about the snowstorm last year, you left me with little choice.
Tonight I went to address the demonstrations currently taking place in Lower Manhattan and what is being called Occupy Wall Street.
While these protests began here in New York, they have spread to dozens of other cities throughout the globe, proving once again that New York sets the trends and the rest of the World follows.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE .]
So with all due respect to Chicago, Los Angeles and London, if you're looking to vent your rage at the system, where the richest 1% controls 40% of the planet's wealth, there is no better time and no better place than autumn in New York.
The weather here has been absolutely gorgeous and while you're in town why not cap all a day of protests with dinner at one of New York's many world-class restaurants? Or take in a Broadway show like "Marry Poppins.
" Currently at the New Amsterdam Theater.
Whatever you may have heard, I want to make demonstrators as welcome and as comfortable as possible.
Yes, sometimes things do not go as planned.
This week, my office had arranged to clear the park of protesters so the area could be power washed.
The protesters became upset and some went so far as to suggest that the power washing was simply a ruse to break up the demonstration.
Nonsense.
As all New Yorkers know, various parts of the city are routinely power washed.
Power washing is a New York institution and without it the Big Apple would lose its reputation as the world's Now, even though we have gone to great lengths to make them feel welcome, there have regrettably been some clashes between the protesters and law enforcement.
Several demonstrators have even been pepper sprayed.
Although they're isolated incidents, on behalf of the city I would like to apologize and make one thing absolutely clear.
All pepper spray used was made from 100% pure extract without any added oil or transfats and was completely salt free.
Now, for the protesters down on Wall Street, let me say something from the heart.
The message of the Occupy Wall Street movement should not be trivialized.
The wealthiest 1% of the nation continues to profit outrageously at the expense of the 99%.
Ordinary people are angry at those on top and I can well understand why they would occupy their places of businesses and even demonstrate outside their homes, but here I'd like to point out something.
Despite what you may have heard, I'm not really all that rich.
In fact, there are several individuals living right here in New York who are far wealthier than myself.
People like Hedge Fund Billionaire George Soros, who lives at 85th street and 5th avenue.
Or Jamie Diamond, CEO of JP Morgan CHASE, Whose townhouse I believe is on Madison between 73rd and 74th.
On the left side.
And for protesters who are also Yankee fans, angry at the team's embarrassing loss to Detroit, Alex Rodriguez has a penthouse at Trump Tower.
Technically I might be richer than A-Rod, but I think we can all agree he has done less to earn it.
[ APPLAUSE .]
My point is this.
Occupy Wall Street, I'm on your side.
Come to New York and let your voice be heard.
You'll be treated with dignity and respect by the city and the police.
With one caveat.
The second, and I mean the second, I see a demonstrator lighting up a cigarette, we're moving in.
The batons will come out and the badge numbers will come off and if you think I'm joking, go ahead, make my day.
Thank you for listening and Live from New York, it's Saturday Night! ANNOUNCER: It's "Saturday Night Live"! With Fred Armisen Abby Elliott Bill Hader Seth Meyers Bobby Moyniham Nasim Pedrad Andy Samberg Jason Sudeikis Kenan Thompsom Kristen Wigg FEATURING Vanessa Bayer Paul Brittain Taran Killam Jay Pharaoh Musical guest: Drake.
And your host, Anna Faris.
Ladies and gentlemen, Anna Faris.
Hi.
Thank you.
Thank you guys.
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
It is great to be hosting "Saturday Night Live's Halloween Show.
" You know, a lot of girls will dress up as sexy kittens for halloween but, you know, I hate that stuff.
So I'm going to go with the opposite of the sexy kitten.
An old sick horse.
Yeah.
This is actually my second hosting.
The first time I was really nervous but, you know, now I'm totally comfortable and confident.
So, I thought I'd take some questions.
So, this is going to be fun.
Ah, yes, you.
Yeah.
The economic crisis in Greece, is the problem fiscal or cultural? Um, yeah.
I was hoping we could talk about something a little more fun.
What's more fun than discussing the collapse of the euro zone? I mean Okay.
Sure.
I just meant something a little more lighthearted.
Hey, how about you, girlfriend? What you gossiping about? Okay.
If you have to pick which of the world's religions would you say is the right one? Oh.
That seems like something I should not answer.
Come on, guys.
Think fun.
Like we're at a girlie sleep over.
Oh, how about you? At these sleepovers, what are you wearing when you practice kiss each other? I mean, you know what? Let's forget the whole sleep over thing.
Too late.
You know, I don't really feel comfortable with anyone here.
What about me? Oh.
I love your dress.
Oh.
I love yours! Oh, wait.
Who are you? I'm Hannah.
Hannah Garis.
I love your name! Where did you get it? My parents.
Me, too! Spooky.
Spooky! Let's go talk about cute boys.
You have to start the show? Oh, yeah.
Okay.
Well, we have a great show for you tonight.
Drake is here.
"The Manuel Ortiz Show.
" Hola.
And welcome to my show.
I'm Manuel Ortiz and here to help you with whatever you're going through.
If I cannot, I'm very, very sorry.
We have a big surprise for our first guest.
Please welcome Cassandra Jimenez.
Hola, Cassandra.
Hola Manuel.
Do you know why you're here? I'm here for a makeover because my hair needs more crunchy curl.
Your mother has a secret she wants to share.
Do you want to hear it? I do not but it will be good the see my mother.
Please welcome senora Briana Espinar Hola, senora.
Hola.
Say, what is your big secret? My daughter's husband is cheating on her.
How do you know this? I've seen the texting on his cell phone.
Oy.
[ LAUGHTER .]
Let's bring him out now.
Please welcome Oscar Jimenez.
[ APPLAUSE .]
[ LAUGHTER .]
Manuel, it's good to see you in person.
You may change your mind about that.
If I do, I will.
[ LAUGHTER .]
Your stepmother says you have been sexting.
No way.
The text is not included in my bundle.
He lies! He cheats with women! She's Also we used a sexy decoy, and caught you cheating on hidden camera.
No.
Let's roll it.
Quieres plantanos? Si Do you want to cheat with me? Si, I would like to cheat with you.
Hey! Look at the hidden camera.
Where? Oh.
[ LAUGHTER .]
What did you think of yourself now? - I look good.
[ LAUGHTER .]
- Let's bring out our sexy decoy, Maria Montoya.
Hola, Manuel.
This was a fun joke for me.
So, what kind of things did he say to you? He said he wanted me to touch his tomatillos.
I don't know if we can say that on broadcast television.
Let me check with our censor.
Please welcome, Benny.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE .]
So, "touch his tomatillos" is this too racy for TV? Si, si, maybe you just say tickle his tiny coconuts instead.
Okay.
Very well, my friend.
Gracias.
[ LAUGHTER .]
So, Maria, what else did you find out about Oscar? Oscar's trying to make the child with another woman.
You lie.
I don't lie.
I am an actress.
And he is a dog.
Not a dog.
I am a man.
You are dead to me.
Here she is.
Please welcome Gabriella Molina Montoya Gutierrez.
[ APPLAUSE .]
[ LAUGHTER .]
Hola, Oscar.
Are you surprised? I am.
To a certain point.
Gabriella, there's something you want Oscar to know? Si.
I am not what he thinks I am.
You are not from Santo Domingo area? I am a man under this wig.
Ow.
[ BUZZER .]
Okay, this is a fire alarm.
Do not panic.
This is a drill.
Okay, we have to get out in an orderly fashion.
We go.
Okay.
Let's go.
You're watching Lifetime.
Television for women, white women.
And now from the creators of Lifetime original movies like, "What Did Becky See" And "Where Does Brenda Go At Night", comes the first Lifetime Original Game Show.
It's time to play "What's Wrong With Tanya.
" And here's your host, Vince Blake.
Thank you and welcome to "What's Wrong With Tanya," the game show where mothers from Lifetime original movies try and guess what's wrong with Beautiful daughter Tanya.
Let's meet our contestants.
First up from Pleasant Grove, Mary Jo Williams.
Hello.
Says here you and your family live in a quiet town on a quiet street.
Nothing bad could ever happen to us.
Or so it would seem.
Next up, from Pleasant Falls, Jobeth Anderson.
Says here your new husband has a locked drawer in the office that you're not allowed to open.
It's none of my business.
Finally, from Pleasant Town, Mary Jo Beth Jo-Jo.
Says here that you have the perfect life.
Perfect from the outside.
Yikes! Okay.
Let's go over the rules.
A Lifetime movie Tanya will walk out and you'll have 15 seconds to guess what's wrong with her.
There's nothing wrong with her! Yes, there is.
All right.
Let's bring out our first Tanya.
All right.
Mothers, what is wrong with Tanya? Tanya? Show me your eyes, Tanya.
Over here! Over here! Look at me.
[ BUZZER .]
Mary Beth Jo-Jo.
Tanya, you have been going to those parties where girls do oral sex for bracelets.
[ DING .]
That's right.
That's right.
She goes to those parties which are a real thing.
Good work, Mary Jo.
You won a Volvo filled with groceries.
Let's bring out our next Tanya.
But it can want happen to a boy.
So you thought.
What's wrong with boy Tanya? Tanya? Tanya? Boy Tanya? Tanya? Mary Jo Williams.
You're a secret stripper.
No.
Tanya, you're pregnant.
What? No! Come on.
Tanya, your english teacher caught you cheating so he made you take naked pictures and It's online and also you can't read.
Mary Beth Jo-Jo.
You are in lead.
You move to our lightning round.
You may watch the rest of the game while you pretend to rake leaves.
All right.
Get you on your Mark here.
Oh, you're hurting my arm.
Who's going to believe you? Now, in this round, I'll say something Tanya's doing and you either say yes or you scream no.
Let's get 20 seconds on the clock.
Tanya's back on the swim team.
Yes.
The girls at school are saying Tonya is easy.
No! [ DING .]
She has bruises on the shoulders.
Tanya! Judges? [ DING .]
Tanya had a baby at prom.
No! [ DING .]
She named the baby Tanya.
Yes.
[ DING .]
Congrats, Mary Jo Beth Jo-Jo, you won everything a woman could ever want.
But what happened to Tanya? She died.
Oh.
Well, thanks for having me.
You're not going anywhere.
You'll never leave me.
That's our show! Stay tuned for the Lifetime original comedy "Weekend at Meredith Baxter Bernie's.
" Thank you.
[ APPLAUSE .]
And now, a brief interview with Drake.
Good evening and welcome to a very brief interview.
I'm joined this evening by international phenomenon, Singer, rapper, and actor Drake.
Drake, how are you? Man, I am, I'm just this has been a brief interview with Drake.
And now, an extremely close interview with Drake.
Good evening.
I'm joined tonight by Singer, rapper, Drake.
Drake, how are you? I'm good, man.
Can you see me? Oh, yeah.
We can see you loud and clear, Buddy.
Just seems like the cameras are really close.
No.
This is how we do it.
Totally normal.
Well, can we at least show my album Cover? Please.
You got it.
Here it is right here.
- Are you seeing that? - Yeah, I don't think and now an EXTREMELY sarcastic interview with Drake.
Good evening.
I'm joined by musician Drake.
Drake, how are you? I'm I'm good, I guess.
And now a racist interview with Drake.
- So Drake - Don't do it.
- Yeah.
- Not worth it.
And now a wordless deduction of Drake.
[ LAUGHTER .]
I don't I don't like men.
Oh, no.
Me neither.
And now a quick word from our sponsor.
Hi! Okay.
That's just our sponsor.
She pays for the show so I have sex with her.
And now, a matching sweaters interview with Drake.
[ LAUGHTER .]
And now, a horribly dubbed interview with Drake.
So, Drake, what's your favorite track off the new record? Oh, well, I'm Drake.
Although, I'm a person doing rap and stuff, you know.
I have a little doggy that I love.
Oh, interesting.
And now, an extremely dark interview with Drake.
Hello.
Thanks for being here, Drake.
Come on, man.
Quit I can't even see [ BLEEP.]
right now.
Dra-ake.
Who said that? [ EERIE MUSIC .]
Hello! Hello? Happy Halloween! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE .]
You're watching Marriott TV, the in-room guide to everything our hotel has to offer.
Up next, live from Conference room 5 in the Cedar Falls Ccourtyard Marriott, it's yet another GOP debate.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE .]
Hello.
I'm Sandy Schaub from Marriott TV.
Welcome to the second of two GOP debates this week, the first of which was televised by Bloomberg TV, while tonight's debate takes place on the only channel people tune in to less.
As a reminder to the candidates, no one is watching, so the stakes are low.
We have rearranged the seating from past debates based on the most recent polling results, and therefore, the likelihood of each candidate winning the nomination.
In the center, the new Leader in the polls, Herman Cain.
I'm as surprised as you are.
Next to him is former Governor Mitt Romney.
Herman Cain, you guys are killing me.
[ LAUGHTER .]
Three seats over in a chair facing the wall, the fading Rick Perry.
In a locked janitor's closet is congresswoman Michele Bachmann and curio of a bygone era, Newt Gingrich.
Out in the parking garage, it's Texas congressman Ron Paul.
And live from a crowded gay bar in the Castro District of San Francisco, Rick Santorum.
Very funny! And Jon Huntsman couldn't be here tonight because we gave him the wrong address on purpose.
We begin with Governor Romney.
Governor, on Monday, you received an endorsement from Chris Christie.
Then you outperformed your opponents at Tuesday's debate.
Yet the newest polls show you trailing Herman Cain by as many as 15 points.
Yes.
When are you going to accept that Republicans just don't like you? Look.
I don't think they dislike me.
I just think they want to exhaust their options.
I understand that before anyone goes home with Mitt Romney, they're going to take one last lap around the bar to see who's there, anyone better than me.
And I'm okay with that.
Go.
Go, sow your oats.
I will wait for you.
You be Jenny and I'll be your Forrest Gump.
Be with as many guys as you want and I will be here still running around the country like an idiot until you can come home so I can watch you die.
I should have left off that last part, I guess.
Herman Cain? Yes.
With your rise in the polls, many are taking a closer look at your 999 tax plan, and most economists agree It's an oversimplified, unworkable solution to a complicated financial situation.
Well, let me explain.
I never thought that I would be taken seriously, so I never thought that anyone would look at it.
The original goal of the 999 plan was to get me a show on Fox News at 9:00.
But if America is looking for catchy, unworkable solutions to complicated problems, Herman Cain will keep them coming.
How do we fight terrorism? My 555 plan.
For every terrorist, America will send five airplanes, five soldiers and five of those dogs that caught Osama bin laden.
How we fix health care? The 333 plan.
Every time you get sick, you get three pills, three days off, and three chicken noodle soups.
[ LAUGHTER .]
Having trouble getting to the airport? Dial 777 for a car or limousine.
Don't hassle with a cab.
Vote Herman Cain.
Governor Perry, on Thursday your wife said you were being brutalized because of your faith.
Yet, it was a Pastor affiliated with your campaign who recently called mormonism a cult.
What's going on? I think the best way to explain it is we're desperate and we're willing to try anything.
Nothing is beneath us right now.
You are going to see us start playing the mormon card.
We'll start playing the race card.
Heck, this week my staff looked in to a plan that would frame Mitt Romney for murder in Texas.
Railroad him through a sham trial and then, you know.
Oh, let me stress, Mitt, that plan never passed the exploratory phase.
That's okay.
I'm incapable of rage.
The point is, when you can't get better, your options are limited, so my promise is this.
You haven't seen the worst of Rick Perry yet.
Let's go back to the janitor's closet.
Michele Bachmann and Newt Gingrich.
Neither of you are going to win, and you're starting to waste our time.
Fair.
Agreed.
At the end of Tonight's debate, we'll unlock the door to your room.
Whoever is still standing can come to the next debate.
Whoever isn't is out of the race.
I don't understand.
Aah! Ow! Herman Cain, do you think your campaign will be able to withstand the extra scrutiny that comes with being the front-runner? I do not.
If I may, let me put it in pizza terms.
Nothing beats that first hot slice of pizza.
Second slice is also hard to beat.
You see, America is on the second slice of Herman Cain right now.
But unfortunately, there's no such thing as a two-slice pizza, so you keep stuffing yourself full of Herman Cain, and soon your tummy will be a gassy mess.
You will go to bed and have bad dreams.
In the morning, you wake up and say, today I'm eating a nice salad.
If I may, I believe I can be that salad.
All right? No croutons, no dressing.
Just lettuce in a bowl.
Look, in 2008, America was a place full of hope and Barack Obama was the candidate for that America.
Now, it's starting to sink in that there's nothing to be hopeful about.
In 2008, America was a vibrant, young person with their whole life ahead of them.
Now America has a bum knee, an exploded mortgage and no job.
The time for dreaming is over.
It's time to settle.
And nothing says you're settling like Mitt Romney.
[ LAUGHTER .]
Barack Obama made America say yes, we can.
Well, I think I can make them say, yes, we can live with that.
Rick Santorum, how are you doing? Bad! And Ron Paul? Seems like an unmarked Van is approaching.
Looks like bad news for Ron Paul.
But hold on.
Ron Paul! Not going anywhere.
Ideologically pure and tough as nails.
Well, that concludes tonight's debate.
Join us for our next debate when we basically continue to turn into a season of "Survivor" Where no one is ever voted off the island.
Ladies and gentlemen, Drake! I might be too strung out on compliments overdosed on confidence started not to give a and stop fearing the consequence drinking every night because we drink to my accomplishments faded way too long I'm floating in and out of consciousness and they say that I'm back id agree with that I just take my time with All this I still believe in that I had someone tell me I fell off ooh I needed that and they wanna see me pick back up right well where'd I leave it at I know I exaggerated things now I got it like that stuff a napkin in my shirt 'cause I'm just Marvin like that you know good and well that you don't wanna problem like that you gon' make someone around me 'cause your body that bad ooh No, don't do it please don't do it 'cause one of us goes in and we all go through it and drizzy got the money so drizzy gon' pay it those my brothers I aint even gotta say it that's just something they know they know they know they know they know they know they know they know they know they know they know Yeah, that the real is on te rise forget them other guys I even gave 'em a chance to decide and that's something they know they know they know they know, yeah I be yelling out money over everything money on My mind then she wanna ask when it got so empty tell her I apologize happened over time she says they missed the old Drake girl don't tempt me if they don't get it they'll be over you that new that you got is overdue you better do what you're supposed to do I'm like why I gotta be all that but still I can't deny the fact that it's True listen to you expressin' all them feelings soap opera rappers all these kids sound like all my children and that's how you thinking is about to come ad make a killing I guess it really is just me myself and All my millions you know that they ain't even got it like that you gon' hype me up and make me catch your body like that 'cause I live for this it isn't just a Hobby like that only when they play it I don't even gotta say it they know they know they know they know they know they know they know they know they know they know they know Yeah, that the rel is on the rise so forget them other guys I even gave 'em a chance to decide and that's something they know yeah, they know they know they know I be yelling out money over everything money on my mind Mind mind mind tell 'em I apologize it happened over time time time time they know they know they know they know they know they know they know they know they know they know [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE .]
"Weekend update" With Seth Meyers.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE .]
Good evening.
I'm Seth Meyers and here are tonight's top stories.
The White House on Thursday made its first attack on Mitt Romney's presidential campaign saying that on many issues Romney is stunningly inconsistent.
Romney fired back calling the charges absolutely false and absolutely true.
On Tuesday night, the Republican candidates met once again for what appeared to either be a seance or the world's most Boring poker game.
Let's see.
Boring poker game.
Boring poker game.
Oh, it was a seance.
It was a saance.
A new chat down security program is being tested in when agents try to scene out possible terrorists by talking to travelers and asking where are you going and how long are you staying? And then they simply arrest anyone who answers to be with Allah for all eternity.
Fail safe.
Phoenix Jones, a costume vigilant, was arrested in Seattle After using pepper spray on a group of people.
Jones apparently became a superhero after was bitten by a radioactive idiot.
Well, there's been a lot of news in the news lately but here with the news he heard secondhand is our secondhand news corresponder Anthony Crispino how's it going, everybody? Great to be back.
Congratulations.
On what? I don't know.
On whatever that thing was you did.
Thanks.
So Anthony, what are you hearing newswise? First of all, Seth, you hear about this big thing downtown? Apparently they're occupying Walgreens.
No, Anthony.
They're occupying Wall Street.
Pretty sure it was Walgreens, Seth.
I know because it's full of protestants.
They're protesters.
They're not protestants, they're protesters.
Either way, they're very mad because they want everything in the store to be 99% off.
And you can't deny the movement, Seth.
It's finally gaining momento.
I'm sorry.
This is wrong.
Where did you hear this? From the lady that sells me the salami Meaty Diane.
OK.
She's meaty Meaty Diane gave you the wrong information.
Okay.
All right.
Do you have anything else for us? Yeah.
You hear about this one? They freed Courteney Cox.
No.
Amanda Knox.
- Close enough.
- No, it's not.
- Not close at all.
- True.
Apparently thigh finally released her from that Olive Garden.
No.
It wasn't an Olive Garden.
It was italian prison.
No.
It was the italian restaurant, Olive Garden.
You see, they accused of killing her the roommate but they were like, when you're here, you're family so they let her go.
Who told you that? My nazi friend Pee Wee German.
Okay, Anthony.
- He's weird.
- Do you have anything else? Yeah.
Let's see.
I heard that Ashton Kutcher is breaking up with Dinty Moore.
She told no soup for you! No.
They released an iphone for your ass.
No! No.
It's the iphone 4s.
No.
It's for your ass there.
No.
Why it will be for ass? For Bootie calls.
- Come on.
- All right.
Let's see.
What else? What else? And oh! All the NBA players, they got locked out of their houses.
- Nope.
- Yep.
Because the commissioner Howard Stern couldn't find the keys.
Nope.
That's wrong.
You know what they should get, Seth? One of those they should get one of those fake rocks.
You put it outside your rock with a hollow bottom.
You know how they work? Yeah.
Hide a key in the hollow bottom.
That's way better.
I chuck it through the window.
So much smarter.
Anthony, everyone! There's someone in there.
According to a new study 91% of children in the U.
S.
Play video games while the other 9% ARE too fat to play video games.
A man in Kansas who was taken to the hospital after he was stabbed in the scrotum with a hypodermic needle until an argument and that's just one of the reasons to never get in an argument when your scrotum is out.
50 couples in Maine this past weekend competed in the annual wife carrying championship.
Which means that afterwards, 49 couples drove home in stony silence.
Good carrying.
A restauranteur in New York city is planning to convert an old Ferry in to a floating lobster restaurant combining the grand your of a terrible commute with the sanitary standards of the Hudson river.
The assistant suicide machine will be auctioned off later this month so if you're looking for a great gag gift for grandma just a suggestion.
I actually don't know what it looks like.
Can we take a look? Oh, come on! A woman in Chicago's 39 weeks pregnant ran the marathon Sunday and then gave birth to a daughter after she'd finished the race.
I think we have a photo of the baby.
Halloween is just around the corner.
Here to talk about a new trend are two teenagers dressed as werewolves.
You're already in costume.
Oh, we love Halloween.
Aren't you too old to be trick or treating? Oh, we don't trick or treat, but we still get candy.
OK.
How's that? It's called bag jacking, Seth.
Little kids get candy And we take it.
Sorry, bag jacking? You know, instead of going house to house, we go kid to kid and take their bags, and they just cry like, "I'm hungry.
" I want my Candy.
It is really funny.
I don't think it is fun for everyone.
Oh, it is.
We made a song about it.
Man, hit the track.
What we doin' Drake We bag jacking bitches What we doin' Drake We bag jacking bitches We'll take your whole bag of Candy, leave you in the cold, so bring your ruckus if you under 12 years old It's 7:58 and now your curfews pushing Watch out 'cause like Republicans I'm behind the bushes It wasn't me if you ask me That's what I'mma tell you and I'mma eat so much chocolate my blood type's nutella It sounds dramatic stay tru, kidnap Willy Wonka and bitch slap the oompa loompa What we doin Drake We bag jacking bitches What we doin Drake We bag jacking bitches we'll take your bag of Candy leave you in the cold so you bring your ruckus if you're under 12 years old Give me your Reese's pieces Give me your Hershey bar I want your milky way Give me that snickers bar I would trick or treat but I'm too old now so I snatch your bag So, I don't look like a pedophile My sticky fingers got all of these mothers mad at me We're talking stomach aches Restraining orders cavities I probably won't have no teeth when I'm finished I don't pay for the porcelains.
I just marry my dentist.
What we doin Drake We bag jacking bitches What we doin Drake We bag jacking bitches We'll take your whole bag of Candy, leave you in the cold So bring your ruckus if you're under 12 years old Happy Halloween! Happy Halloween! Thank you.
Two teenagers dressed as werewolves, everyone.
They jack bag.
This weekend is the New York comic con if you're wondering why your local grocery store is out of aluminum foil.
The national hot dog and sausage council on Monday condemned the incident of throwing a hot dog at Tiger Woods during a tournament.
The council incidentally is made up of the most disgusting parts of other councils.
A couple in Massachusetts called police to rescue them after they were lost in a corn Maze, even more embarrassing, this was the Maze.
Good night?! Four root beer floats.
Enjoy, ladies.
Hey.
What's the matter, Kendra? Yeah, Kendra.
You love root beer floats.
Oh, you know, just boy drama.
What happened? Well, there's this guy and, Well, we've been texts and, Well, I'm really in to him and, Well, I can't tell if he's in to Me or not.
Well, have you talked to him, yet? I would but I don't know what to say.
All right, Kendra.
Listen up.
I know something about love You got to want him bad If the guy's got in to your blood go ahead and get him if you want him to be the very part of you that makes you want to breathe Here's the thing to do Tell him that you're never going to leave him Tell him that you're always going to love him Tell him tell him tell him Tell him right now But guys, I did tell him that on our first date.
I told him I would never leave him and that I would always love him.
He seemed really weirded out.
Oh, my god, you can't say something that intense on your first date.
Yeah, Kendra.
When you first start dating a guy you have to keep things Light and casual.
Before you tell him you love him, you have to tell him a lot of other things, first.
Tell him that you don't believe in marriage Tell him that you don't care if you have kids Tell him Tell him tell him Tell him all lies But I love him.
Why would I lie to him? She's not getting it.
You see, lies are a natural part of the dating process.
Especially early on.
You need to show him that you're not one of those girls.
What do you mean, those girls? I mean, like, girls.
You need to tell them that you love watching hockey Tell him that you play "Call of Duty" Tell him you're a total nerd And you love reading comics But I don't understand.
I don't even know what "Call of Duty" is.
What if he asks me to play it with him? Trust me.
He'll never ask you to play.
He just wants you to appreciate all the time he spends playing It.
And if guys want to watch sports and sci-fi all day, why don't they just date each other? Increasingly they do.
In fact, psychologists predict that eventually all men will become gay to watch their favorite shows.
But for now they still need sex.
And when it comes to that, you have to seem fun and up for anything.
Tell him that you'll always do a three-way Tell him that you want porn every day Tell him you're not broke out and you said the word panties What do you want us to call them? - Underwear! - No! Okay.
So early on I have to lie to him a little, but once we're dating then we're just honest with each other, right? No.
Then you enter a new phase of lies.
I call it maintaining the mystery.
I know something about men they never want to know How us women keep it all up You have to hide it If you want him to stay pining after you then you have to hide the things all women do.
Tell him that You're natural hairless Make him think you never use the bathroom, then when he's sleeping you can run to Starbucks Wait, I can never go to the bathroom? No! Of course not.
I went away to mexico with a guy once.
I spent so much time in the lobby bathroom people started tipping me.
One night after a big dinner I had to fake a kidnapping just to Get a couple hours alone.
But it was worth it because at The end of the trip he said I was one of the chillest girls he ever met and that he would call Me.
Did he? It's been a real crazy work year for him, but we're going to hang out real soon, though.
This seems like a lot of deception just to fall in love.
Here's the deal.
These are just the things we say until we actually fall in love.
When you meet the one, none of This matters.
You can finally just be yourself and not worry about playing games or tricking him.
Then you know It will be True Love from fairytale You'll both be happy But if he tries to bail Tell him that You're pregnant and it's his kid Tell him that You need to get married Tell him Tell him Tell him tell him right Tell him Tell him.
Tell him Tell him right Tell him Tell him tell him Tell him right now [ Cheers and applause .]
You're watching Michigan State Campus TV.
At 4:15, it's "Hazing Bloopers with Al Fakai," But up next, it's "J-Pop America Fun Time Now.
" [ SINGING IN FAKE JAPANESE .]
J-Pop America Fun Time Now Konnichiwa.
Konnichiwa.
I am Jonathan-san.
I'm Rebecca-san.
Welcome to "J-Pop America Fun Time Now"! Celebrating Japanese culture, fashion and music.
[ SINGING IN FAKE JAPANESE .]
Before we begin, we should clarify that Jonathan-san and myself are not Japanese.
I am from Nebraska.
And I'm from Daytona beach-aru.
We have never been to Japan, but it is our dream.
[ GIGGLING .]
Our passion for all things Japanese was inspired by our honorable Japanese study Professor Sensei Mark Kaufman.
He is here because he is our hero, and also because we need a faculty member present to run the TV studio.
Please, a very huge, happy hello to Sensei Mark.
Hello, Hello? Hey guys, I love the enthusiasm.
I would like to point out to everyone watching that what Rebecca and Jonathan have latched onto represents a very narrow and mostly inaccurate view of Japanese culture.
They are actually my two worst students.
Thank you, Sensei Mark.
Sensei is Japanese for one who has been guided by the spirits of many ages-aru.
No, no, no.
It's not.
It just means teacher.
That's all it means.
Sensei Mark has a great sense of humor-ru.
Hih-Hih.
Oh! [ SINGING IN FAKE JAPANESE .]
Guest time Our honored guest today has the largest anime video collection on MSU's campus.
Please bow with honor for the Jennifer Hamstead-staru.
It is an honor to be here.
Or as they say in Japan [ SPEAKS GIBBERISH .]
No, no, no.
No one says that.
None of those are words.
Jennifer-san, it looks like you are dressed as a character from Japanese anime, or the art of Japanese animation-dedu.
Yes, I made this costume based on a character I created named Cherry Cherry Iraq and Iran.
Oh! How very Japanese.
Certainly you are the very most Japanese.
You two are non-hinjin which is Japanese for Japanese.
None of you are Japanese.
Okay? Also, you're riding a fine line between homage and racism, kids.
[ GIGGLING .]
Oh! Sensei Mark, you must know I am not a racist.
My girlfriend is Japanese! [ LAUGHTER .]
Hi.
And Jennifer-san, you have super yes good news for this weekend.
Yes.
I'm hosting a viewing party in the Steinberg Recreational Center-desu of the 1976 anime series "Candy Candy.
" Candy, we love to the one who wants to love us.
Oh! Oh! I love it so much I've written a song about it in Japanese.
Oh, please.
We want to hear it.
Yeah! [ SINGING IN FAKE JAPANESE .]
- Oh.
- Oh.
- Okay.
- Okay.
That's the end of our show.
But before we go, we must thank and give all credit to the one that started this, Sensei Mark.
No, no, no.
Don't you dare put this on me.
So, good bye, see you next time on J-Pop America Fun Time Now! [ SPEAKING IN FAKE JAPANESE .]
Ladies and gentlemen, Drake featuring Nicki Minaj.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE .]
I like a woman with a future and a past A lil attitude problem all good It'll make all last don't make it too easy girl Don't take it too fast Yeah, that's it Right there that's it do it just like that only you can do it just like that and I love it when your hair still wet 'cause you just took a shower Running on a treadmill and only eating salad sound so smart like you graduated college but you probably went to Howard knowing you weekend in Miami Tryna study by the pool couple things due but you always get it done might have been a time when I loved her too but you take that away and you'll always be the one one I wonder why the moon looks nice girl maybe it's just right for the night You said coming on too strong girl They want you in their life as a wife That's why you wanna have no sex why you wanna protest why you wanna fight for your right 'cause you don't love them boys run everything that noise I know things get hard but girl you got it girl you got it there you go can't you tell by how they looking at you everywhere you go wondering what's on your mind it must be hard to be that fine when all these wanna waste your time it's just amazing girl and all I can say is I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so proud of you I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so proud of you I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so proud of you everything's adding up you've been through hell and back that's why you're bad as and you B-b-b-bet I am all of them I'm better then mansions in Malibu babblin but I never mention everything I dabble in and I always ride slow when I'm straddlin' and my so wet you gotta padde in Gotta ro-ro-row gotta row ya boat It's pink Friday records and ovo done did the pop tour I'm the realest deal best legal team so the deals is ill it's Mac, opi and a fragrance too apparel I'm dominating every Avenue cobblestone good view lil Gravel too gotta pay for the entourage travel too cause I'm fly fly fly I'm flying high ain't got time to talk just I and Bye baby you can ask me to take a break I'll give it all away don't care what the people say I'll be a million billion trillion miles away he asked my sign I said a sag I'm a star sheriff badge whats the point if I'm guardin double D up hoes Dolly Parton I know things get hard but girl you got it girl you got it there you go can't you tell by how they looking at you everywhere you go wondering what's on your mind it must be hard to be that fine when all these Wanna waste your time it's just amazing girl and all I can say is I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so proud of you I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so proud of you I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so proud of you everything's adding up you've been through hell and back that's why you're bad as and you know you are New York City, make some noise for Nicki Minaj one time please! Make some noise for Drake, please! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
We going to do this one more time.
Get ready? Let's go.
I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so proud of you I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so proud of you I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so proud of you [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE .]
Honey, we are all very excited to meet your new fella.
I bet he's a huge loser.
Shut up, Steven! Yeah, come on, Steven.
Knock it off.
Anything's gonna be better than that last guy.
Go easy on this one, dad.
I really like him, okay? Well, it's my birthday.
I don't have to go easy on anybody.
[ DOORBELL RINGS .]
Oh guys, he's here.
Come on in.
Presenting Lord Wyndemere! Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha ha! It is I! Everyone, this is my boyfriend Cecil.
I want sweets! [ LAUGHTER .]
What? Cecil, do you want to sit down and make yourself at home? I don't want to sit down.
I want to do my dance! Cecil has a little dance he does to show off.
Turlington, my melody! [ LAUGHTER .]
Ha Ha ha! Oh! I could watch that all day! Debbie, you didn't tell me this guy was awesome.
Oh, he is.
When I first saw him chasing swans in the park, I was like, Oh, mama, please.
I am hungry.
I want sweets! Steve! Get off your Butt and get the little guy some sweets! No.
I just remembered.
I know a secret and I shan't tell a soul even if you catch me.
- What? - You can't catch me.
Ha ha ha ha ha! Wait! somebody catch that little son of a bitch! I want to hear that secret! Ha Ha Ha Ha ha! Catch him! Ha Ha Ha Ha ha! I'm going to hide where no one can find me! I'll go get him.
You can usually hear him giggling.
Oh, man, oh, boy! How great is Cecil? Huh? Real salt of the earth.
Dad, he brought a fricking footman.
I mean, look at this dude.
You'll never catch me! That is great.
Oh, have the sweets come yet? That's real good.
Steven! Did I not say get the boy some sweets? I don't want to.
Gary.
I'll go get the cake.
Thanks, babe.
Cecil is a little shy but he want it is know if he can give you a present.
Are you kidding me? Absolutely.
Turlington.
That's his dog Bugsby Bugsby's nose is cold.
Ha ha ha! Lord Wyndemere, this is too much.
What did you give me, Steven? You said you didn't want anything.
Yeah, well, I guess I was wrong.
I wanted this.
Okay, everybody.
Happy birthday to you Wait, wait, wait.
Stop! stop, stop, stop! Look at Lord Wyndemere! Sweet.
Oh, man.
He's out like a light.
I remember when you guys were this age.
Actually, dad, he's 48.
No kidding.
No wunder he's tuckered out.
I was just pretending! You little scamp.
Hey, do that dance again, will you? Certainly.
Turlington.
Look at him go.
Steven, watch him! I will not stop until we find this.
Okay.
Welcome inside here today.
I'm not good at talking sometimes.
I'm sorry.
Hi.
Oh, please, have what we want.
We have been to every bookstore.
We certainly have some stuff.
What you looking for? A Ferrari calendar.
You ladies in to cars? No.
We're in to the freaking hot guys that pose next to them.
Ferrari calendars have the hottest guys, and if we don't get our hands on one, our asses will explode.
Whoa.
I don't want to clean that up.
They're right over there.
Oh, my god, Danielle.
It's a frigging Ferrari calendar.
I don't know what I'm going to do when I see these guys.
We have to play it real cool or our whole asses are going to explode.
Oh, I hope they do.
Here we go.
January.
Are you ready? God, I feel like I need to put lipstick on.
Oh, OK.
Oh, God.
Look how fricking gorgeous this guy is.
He is exactly my type.
So much attitude.
Square jaw.
Dark glasses.
White sneakers.
Fitted light jeans, rolled above the shoe, half his mouth covered his popped up collar.
Yellow teeth.
Kiss me now.
I can't take it.
Can't take it.
Go to June I want to see my birthday month.
I have to find out where that model is and go to his house.
I love how he's pretending to point and with attitude.
Bright white hair.
Black eyebrows and a Dent in his forehead.
Slightly crossed eyes, long fingernails, short legs.
Oh! Hello.
Yeah.
Those can come in handy.
Let's go to September.
Oh! Now this one's the boyfriend type.
My mom would be like, finally, a guy with huge knees, tiny shoulders and an inexplicable point coming out of his head.
Don't leave out he has a tiny, purple, newborn baby neck.
I noticed.
I noticed.
May! May! Oh! Oh my god.
This is my dream guy.
This is kid from the streets attitude.
Long, stringy, shiny ear lobes.
Six-inch waist.
A vertical belly button.
Huge, beautiful blue triangle-shaped eyes.
No nose, just holes.
Did you notice the adorable tiny foot coming straight out of his butt? Oh, did I? Hello! Yeah.
Ladies, are you going to buy the calendar or just look at it? Just look at it.
That's fine for the way I say today.
What is wrong with me? Okay.
Look, I don't know about you but I don't know if I can handle having this calendar in my home.
I know.
My ass would explode all over the house.
We're pinning after perfection who we'll never find I hear december leaves around here.
- What? - What? - God.
Oh! Oh! - Oh! Whoa.
Cool sunglasses, pepperoni nipples.
A bright red wizard hat.
Look at those legs and Pilgrim shoes.
- My God.
- It's him! What? Want to go for a spin? Pepperoni nipples.
Let's be today now Our lives have been changed! I'm ready to take a chance again [ APPLAUSE .]
Thank you so much to Drake, Nicki Minaj, Lorne Michaels.
[ APPLAUSE .]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE .]
Hello.
I'm Michael Bloomberg.
Now, before I begin, I hope you have all recovered from the traumatic, leaf-rustling earthquake that hit New York this July.
Also, I'd like the apologize for all the Hurricane Irene hysteria this summer, but since you're such bitches about the snowstorm last year, you left me with little choice.
Tonight I went to address the demonstrations currently taking place in Lower Manhattan and what is being called Occupy Wall Street.
While these protests began here in New York, they have spread to dozens of other cities throughout the globe, proving once again that New York sets the trends and the rest of the World follows.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE .]
So with all due respect to Chicago, Los Angeles and London, if you're looking to vent your rage at the system, where the richest 1% controls 40% of the planet's wealth, there is no better time and no better place than autumn in New York.
The weather here has been absolutely gorgeous and while you're in town why not cap all a day of protests with dinner at one of New York's many world-class restaurants? Or take in a Broadway show like "Marry Poppins.
" Currently at the New Amsterdam Theater.
Whatever you may have heard, I want to make demonstrators as welcome and as comfortable as possible.
Yes, sometimes things do not go as planned.
This week, my office had arranged to clear the park of protesters so the area could be power washed.
The protesters became upset and some went so far as to suggest that the power washing was simply a ruse to break up the demonstration.
Nonsense.
As all New Yorkers know, various parts of the city are routinely power washed.
Power washing is a New York institution and without it the Big Apple would lose its reputation as the world's Now, even though we have gone to great lengths to make them feel welcome, there have regrettably been some clashes between the protesters and law enforcement.
Several demonstrators have even been pepper sprayed.
Although they're isolated incidents, on behalf of the city I would like to apologize and make one thing absolutely clear.
All pepper spray used was made from 100% pure extract without any added oil or transfats and was completely salt free.
Now, for the protesters down on Wall Street, let me say something from the heart.
The message of the Occupy Wall Street movement should not be trivialized.
The wealthiest 1% of the nation continues to profit outrageously at the expense of the 99%.
Ordinary people are angry at those on top and I can well understand why they would occupy their places of businesses and even demonstrate outside their homes, but here I'd like to point out something.
Despite what you may have heard, I'm not really all that rich.
In fact, there are several individuals living right here in New York who are far wealthier than myself.
People like Hedge Fund Billionaire George Soros, who lives at 85th street and 5th avenue.
Or Jamie Diamond, CEO of JP Morgan CHASE, Whose townhouse I believe is on Madison between 73rd and 74th.
On the left side.
And for protesters who are also Yankee fans, angry at the team's embarrassing loss to Detroit, Alex Rodriguez has a penthouse at Trump Tower.
Technically I might be richer than A-Rod, but I think we can all agree he has done less to earn it.
[ APPLAUSE .]
My point is this.
Occupy Wall Street, I'm on your side.
Come to New York and let your voice be heard.
You'll be treated with dignity and respect by the city and the police.
With one caveat.
The second, and I mean the second, I see a demonstrator lighting up a cigarette, we're moving in.
The batons will come out and the badge numbers will come off and if you think I'm joking, go ahead, make my day.
Thank you for listening and Live from New York, it's Saturday Night! ANNOUNCER: It's "Saturday Night Live"! With Fred Armisen Abby Elliott Bill Hader Seth Meyers Bobby Moyniham Nasim Pedrad Andy Samberg Jason Sudeikis Kenan Thompsom Kristen Wigg FEATURING Vanessa Bayer Paul Brittain Taran Killam Jay Pharaoh Musical guest: Drake.
And your host, Anna Faris.
Ladies and gentlemen, Anna Faris.
Hi.
Thank you.
Thank you guys.
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
It is great to be hosting "Saturday Night Live's Halloween Show.
" You know, a lot of girls will dress up as sexy kittens for halloween but, you know, I hate that stuff.
So I'm going to go with the opposite of the sexy kitten.
An old sick horse.
Yeah.
This is actually my second hosting.
The first time I was really nervous but, you know, now I'm totally comfortable and confident.
So, I thought I'd take some questions.
So, this is going to be fun.
Ah, yes, you.
Yeah.
The economic crisis in Greece, is the problem fiscal or cultural? Um, yeah.
I was hoping we could talk about something a little more fun.
What's more fun than discussing the collapse of the euro zone? I mean Okay.
Sure.
I just meant something a little more lighthearted.
Hey, how about you, girlfriend? What you gossiping about? Okay.
If you have to pick which of the world's religions would you say is the right one? Oh.
That seems like something I should not answer.
Come on, guys.
Think fun.
Like we're at a girlie sleep over.
Oh, how about you? At these sleepovers, what are you wearing when you practice kiss each other? I mean, you know what? Let's forget the whole sleep over thing.
Too late.
You know, I don't really feel comfortable with anyone here.
What about me? Oh.
I love your dress.
Oh.
I love yours! Oh, wait.
Who are you? I'm Hannah.
Hannah Garis.
I love your name! Where did you get it? My parents.
Me, too! Spooky.
Spooky! Let's go talk about cute boys.
You have to start the show? Oh, yeah.
Okay.
Well, we have a great show for you tonight.
Drake is here.
"The Manuel Ortiz Show.
" Hola.
And welcome to my show.
I'm Manuel Ortiz and here to help you with whatever you're going through.
If I cannot, I'm very, very sorry.
We have a big surprise for our first guest.
Please welcome Cassandra Jimenez.
Hola, Cassandra.
Hola Manuel.
Do you know why you're here? I'm here for a makeover because my hair needs more crunchy curl.
Your mother has a secret she wants to share.
Do you want to hear it? I do not but it will be good the see my mother.
Please welcome senora Briana Espinar Hola, senora.
Hola.
Say, what is your big secret? My daughter's husband is cheating on her.
How do you know this? I've seen the texting on his cell phone.
Oy.
[ LAUGHTER .]
Let's bring him out now.
Please welcome Oscar Jimenez.
[ APPLAUSE .]
[ LAUGHTER .]
Manuel, it's good to see you in person.
You may change your mind about that.
If I do, I will.
[ LAUGHTER .]
Your stepmother says you have been sexting.
No way.
The text is not included in my bundle.
He lies! He cheats with women! She's Also we used a sexy decoy, and caught you cheating on hidden camera.
No.
Let's roll it.
Quieres plantanos? Si Do you want to cheat with me? Si, I would like to cheat with you.
Hey! Look at the hidden camera.
Where? Oh.
[ LAUGHTER .]
What did you think of yourself now? - I look good.
[ LAUGHTER .]
- Let's bring out our sexy decoy, Maria Montoya.
Hola, Manuel.
This was a fun joke for me.
So, what kind of things did he say to you? He said he wanted me to touch his tomatillos.
I don't know if we can say that on broadcast television.
Let me check with our censor.
Please welcome, Benny.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE .]
So, "touch his tomatillos" is this too racy for TV? Si, si, maybe you just say tickle his tiny coconuts instead.
Okay.
Very well, my friend.
Gracias.
[ LAUGHTER .]
So, Maria, what else did you find out about Oscar? Oscar's trying to make the child with another woman.
You lie.
I don't lie.
I am an actress.
And he is a dog.
Not a dog.
I am a man.
You are dead to me.
Here she is.
Please welcome Gabriella Molina Montoya Gutierrez.
[ APPLAUSE .]
[ LAUGHTER .]
Hola, Oscar.
Are you surprised? I am.
To a certain point.
Gabriella, there's something you want Oscar to know? Si.
I am not what he thinks I am.
You are not from Santo Domingo area? I am a man under this wig.
Ow.
[ BUZZER .]
Okay, this is a fire alarm.
Do not panic.
This is a drill.
Okay, we have to get out in an orderly fashion.
We go.
Okay.
Let's go.
You're watching Lifetime.
Television for women, white women.
And now from the creators of Lifetime original movies like, "What Did Becky See" And "Where Does Brenda Go At Night", comes the first Lifetime Original Game Show.
It's time to play "What's Wrong With Tanya.
" And here's your host, Vince Blake.
Thank you and welcome to "What's Wrong With Tanya," the game show where mothers from Lifetime original movies try and guess what's wrong with Beautiful daughter Tanya.
Let's meet our contestants.
First up from Pleasant Grove, Mary Jo Williams.
Hello.
Says here you and your family live in a quiet town on a quiet street.
Nothing bad could ever happen to us.
Or so it would seem.
Next up, from Pleasant Falls, Jobeth Anderson.
Says here your new husband has a locked drawer in the office that you're not allowed to open.
It's none of my business.
Finally, from Pleasant Town, Mary Jo Beth Jo-Jo.
Says here that you have the perfect life.
Perfect from the outside.
Yikes! Okay.
Let's go over the rules.
A Lifetime movie Tanya will walk out and you'll have 15 seconds to guess what's wrong with her.
There's nothing wrong with her! Yes, there is.
All right.
Let's bring out our first Tanya.
All right.
Mothers, what is wrong with Tanya? Tanya? Show me your eyes, Tanya.
Over here! Over here! Look at me.
[ BUZZER .]
Mary Beth Jo-Jo.
Tanya, you have been going to those parties where girls do oral sex for bracelets.
[ DING .]
That's right.
That's right.
She goes to those parties which are a real thing.
Good work, Mary Jo.
You won a Volvo filled with groceries.
Let's bring out our next Tanya.
But it can want happen to a boy.
So you thought.
What's wrong with boy Tanya? Tanya? Tanya? Boy Tanya? Tanya? Mary Jo Williams.
You're a secret stripper.
No.
Tanya, you're pregnant.
What? No! Come on.
Tanya, your english teacher caught you cheating so he made you take naked pictures and It's online and also you can't read.
Mary Beth Jo-Jo.
You are in lead.
You move to our lightning round.
You may watch the rest of the game while you pretend to rake leaves.
All right.
Get you on your Mark here.
Oh, you're hurting my arm.
Who's going to believe you? Now, in this round, I'll say something Tanya's doing and you either say yes or you scream no.
Let's get 20 seconds on the clock.
Tanya's back on the swim team.
Yes.
The girls at school are saying Tonya is easy.
No! [ DING .]
She has bruises on the shoulders.
Tanya! Judges? [ DING .]
Tanya had a baby at prom.
No! [ DING .]
She named the baby Tanya.
Yes.
[ DING .]
Congrats, Mary Jo Beth Jo-Jo, you won everything a woman could ever want.
But what happened to Tanya? She died.
Oh.
Well, thanks for having me.
You're not going anywhere.
You'll never leave me.
That's our show! Stay tuned for the Lifetime original comedy "Weekend at Meredith Baxter Bernie's.
" Thank you.
[ APPLAUSE .]
And now, a brief interview with Drake.
Good evening and welcome to a very brief interview.
I'm joined this evening by international phenomenon, Singer, rapper, and actor Drake.
Drake, how are you? Man, I am, I'm just this has been a brief interview with Drake.
And now, an extremely close interview with Drake.
Good evening.
I'm joined tonight by Singer, rapper, Drake.
Drake, how are you? I'm good, man.
Can you see me? Oh, yeah.
We can see you loud and clear, Buddy.
Just seems like the cameras are really close.
No.
This is how we do it.
Totally normal.
Well, can we at least show my album Cover? Please.
You got it.
Here it is right here.
- Are you seeing that? - Yeah, I don't think and now an EXTREMELY sarcastic interview with Drake.
Good evening.
I'm joined by musician Drake.
Drake, how are you? I'm I'm good, I guess.
And now a racist interview with Drake.
- So Drake - Don't do it.
- Yeah.
- Not worth it.
And now a wordless deduction of Drake.
[ LAUGHTER .]
I don't I don't like men.
Oh, no.
Me neither.
And now a quick word from our sponsor.
Hi! Okay.
That's just our sponsor.
She pays for the show so I have sex with her.
And now, a matching sweaters interview with Drake.
[ LAUGHTER .]
And now, a horribly dubbed interview with Drake.
So, Drake, what's your favorite track off the new record? Oh, well, I'm Drake.
Although, I'm a person doing rap and stuff, you know.
I have a little doggy that I love.
Oh, interesting.
And now, an extremely dark interview with Drake.
Hello.
Thanks for being here, Drake.
Come on, man.
Quit I can't even see [ BLEEP.]
right now.
Dra-ake.
Who said that? [ EERIE MUSIC .]
Hello! Hello? Happy Halloween! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE .]
You're watching Marriott TV, the in-room guide to everything our hotel has to offer.
Up next, live from Conference room 5 in the Cedar Falls Ccourtyard Marriott, it's yet another GOP debate.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE .]
Hello.
I'm Sandy Schaub from Marriott TV.
Welcome to the second of two GOP debates this week, the first of which was televised by Bloomberg TV, while tonight's debate takes place on the only channel people tune in to less.
As a reminder to the candidates, no one is watching, so the stakes are low.
We have rearranged the seating from past debates based on the most recent polling results, and therefore, the likelihood of each candidate winning the nomination.
In the center, the new Leader in the polls, Herman Cain.
I'm as surprised as you are.
Next to him is former Governor Mitt Romney.
Herman Cain, you guys are killing me.
[ LAUGHTER .]
Three seats over in a chair facing the wall, the fading Rick Perry.
In a locked janitor's closet is congresswoman Michele Bachmann and curio of a bygone era, Newt Gingrich.
Out in the parking garage, it's Texas congressman Ron Paul.
And live from a crowded gay bar in the Castro District of San Francisco, Rick Santorum.
Very funny! And Jon Huntsman couldn't be here tonight because we gave him the wrong address on purpose.
We begin with Governor Romney.
Governor, on Monday, you received an endorsement from Chris Christie.
Then you outperformed your opponents at Tuesday's debate.
Yet the newest polls show you trailing Herman Cain by as many as 15 points.
Yes.
When are you going to accept that Republicans just don't like you? Look.
I don't think they dislike me.
I just think they want to exhaust their options.
I understand that before anyone goes home with Mitt Romney, they're going to take one last lap around the bar to see who's there, anyone better than me.
And I'm okay with that.
Go.
Go, sow your oats.
I will wait for you.
You be Jenny and I'll be your Forrest Gump.
Be with as many guys as you want and I will be here still running around the country like an idiot until you can come home so I can watch you die.
I should have left off that last part, I guess.
Herman Cain? Yes.
With your rise in the polls, many are taking a closer look at your 999 tax plan, and most economists agree It's an oversimplified, unworkable solution to a complicated financial situation.
Well, let me explain.
I never thought that I would be taken seriously, so I never thought that anyone would look at it.
The original goal of the 999 plan was to get me a show on Fox News at 9:00.
But if America is looking for catchy, unworkable solutions to complicated problems, Herman Cain will keep them coming.
How do we fight terrorism? My 555 plan.
For every terrorist, America will send five airplanes, five soldiers and five of those dogs that caught Osama bin laden.
How we fix health care? The 333 plan.
Every time you get sick, you get three pills, three days off, and three chicken noodle soups.
[ LAUGHTER .]
Having trouble getting to the airport? Dial 777 for a car or limousine.
Don't hassle with a cab.
Vote Herman Cain.
Governor Perry, on Thursday your wife said you were being brutalized because of your faith.
Yet, it was a Pastor affiliated with your campaign who recently called mormonism a cult.
What's going on? I think the best way to explain it is we're desperate and we're willing to try anything.
Nothing is beneath us right now.
You are going to see us start playing the mormon card.
We'll start playing the race card.
Heck, this week my staff looked in to a plan that would frame Mitt Romney for murder in Texas.
Railroad him through a sham trial and then, you know.
Oh, let me stress, Mitt, that plan never passed the exploratory phase.
That's okay.
I'm incapable of rage.
The point is, when you can't get better, your options are limited, so my promise is this.
You haven't seen the worst of Rick Perry yet.
Let's go back to the janitor's closet.
Michele Bachmann and Newt Gingrich.
Neither of you are going to win, and you're starting to waste our time.
Fair.
Agreed.
At the end of Tonight's debate, we'll unlock the door to your room.
Whoever is still standing can come to the next debate.
Whoever isn't is out of the race.
I don't understand.
Aah! Ow! Herman Cain, do you think your campaign will be able to withstand the extra scrutiny that comes with being the front-runner? I do not.
If I may, let me put it in pizza terms.
Nothing beats that first hot slice of pizza.
Second slice is also hard to beat.
You see, America is on the second slice of Herman Cain right now.
But unfortunately, there's no such thing as a two-slice pizza, so you keep stuffing yourself full of Herman Cain, and soon your tummy will be a gassy mess.
You will go to bed and have bad dreams.
In the morning, you wake up and say, today I'm eating a nice salad.
If I may, I believe I can be that salad.
All right? No croutons, no dressing.
Just lettuce in a bowl.
Look, in 2008, America was a place full of hope and Barack Obama was the candidate for that America.
Now, it's starting to sink in that there's nothing to be hopeful about.
In 2008, America was a vibrant, young person with their whole life ahead of them.
Now America has a bum knee, an exploded mortgage and no job.
The time for dreaming is over.
It's time to settle.
And nothing says you're settling like Mitt Romney.
[ LAUGHTER .]
Barack Obama made America say yes, we can.
Well, I think I can make them say, yes, we can live with that.
Rick Santorum, how are you doing? Bad! And Ron Paul? Seems like an unmarked Van is approaching.
Looks like bad news for Ron Paul.
But hold on.
Ron Paul! Not going anywhere.
Ideologically pure and tough as nails.
Well, that concludes tonight's debate.
Join us for our next debate when we basically continue to turn into a season of "Survivor" Where no one is ever voted off the island.
Ladies and gentlemen, Drake! I might be too strung out on compliments overdosed on confidence started not to give a and stop fearing the consequence drinking every night because we drink to my accomplishments faded way too long I'm floating in and out of consciousness and they say that I'm back id agree with that I just take my time with All this I still believe in that I had someone tell me I fell off ooh I needed that and they wanna see me pick back up right well where'd I leave it at I know I exaggerated things now I got it like that stuff a napkin in my shirt 'cause I'm just Marvin like that you know good and well that you don't wanna problem like that you gon' make someone around me 'cause your body that bad ooh No, don't do it please don't do it 'cause one of us goes in and we all go through it and drizzy got the money so drizzy gon' pay it those my brothers I aint even gotta say it that's just something they know they know they know they know they know they know they know they know they know they know they know Yeah, that the real is on te rise forget them other guys I even gave 'em a chance to decide and that's something they know they know they know they know, yeah I be yelling out money over everything money on My mind then she wanna ask when it got so empty tell her I apologize happened over time she says they missed the old Drake girl don't tempt me if they don't get it they'll be over you that new that you got is overdue you better do what you're supposed to do I'm like why I gotta be all that but still I can't deny the fact that it's True listen to you expressin' all them feelings soap opera rappers all these kids sound like all my children and that's how you thinking is about to come ad make a killing I guess it really is just me myself and All my millions you know that they ain't even got it like that you gon' hype me up and make me catch your body like that 'cause I live for this it isn't just a Hobby like that only when they play it I don't even gotta say it they know they know they know they know they know they know they know they know they know they know they know Yeah, that the rel is on the rise so forget them other guys I even gave 'em a chance to decide and that's something they know yeah, they know they know they know I be yelling out money over everything money on my mind Mind mind mind tell 'em I apologize it happened over time time time time they know they know they know they know they know they know they know they know they know they know [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE .]
"Weekend update" With Seth Meyers.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE .]
Good evening.
I'm Seth Meyers and here are tonight's top stories.
The White House on Thursday made its first attack on Mitt Romney's presidential campaign saying that on many issues Romney is stunningly inconsistent.
Romney fired back calling the charges absolutely false and absolutely true.
On Tuesday night, the Republican candidates met once again for what appeared to either be a seance or the world's most Boring poker game.
Let's see.
Boring poker game.
Boring poker game.
Oh, it was a seance.
It was a saance.
A new chat down security program is being tested in when agents try to scene out possible terrorists by talking to travelers and asking where are you going and how long are you staying? And then they simply arrest anyone who answers to be with Allah for all eternity.
Fail safe.
Phoenix Jones, a costume vigilant, was arrested in Seattle After using pepper spray on a group of people.
Jones apparently became a superhero after was bitten by a radioactive idiot.
Well, there's been a lot of news in the news lately but here with the news he heard secondhand is our secondhand news corresponder Anthony Crispino how's it going, everybody? Great to be back.
Congratulations.
On what? I don't know.
On whatever that thing was you did.
Thanks.
So Anthony, what are you hearing newswise? First of all, Seth, you hear about this big thing downtown? Apparently they're occupying Walgreens.
No, Anthony.
They're occupying Wall Street.
Pretty sure it was Walgreens, Seth.
I know because it's full of protestants.
They're protesters.
They're not protestants, they're protesters.
Either way, they're very mad because they want everything in the store to be 99% off.
And you can't deny the movement, Seth.
It's finally gaining momento.
I'm sorry.
This is wrong.
Where did you hear this? From the lady that sells me the salami Meaty Diane.
OK.
She's meaty Meaty Diane gave you the wrong information.
Okay.
All right.
Do you have anything else for us? Yeah.
You hear about this one? They freed Courteney Cox.
No.
Amanda Knox.
- Close enough.
- No, it's not.
- Not close at all.
- True.
Apparently thigh finally released her from that Olive Garden.
No.
It wasn't an Olive Garden.
It was italian prison.
No.
It was the italian restaurant, Olive Garden.
You see, they accused of killing her the roommate but they were like, when you're here, you're family so they let her go.
Who told you that? My nazi friend Pee Wee German.
Okay, Anthony.
- He's weird.
- Do you have anything else? Yeah.
Let's see.
I heard that Ashton Kutcher is breaking up with Dinty Moore.
She told no soup for you! No.
They released an iphone for your ass.
No! No.
It's the iphone 4s.
No.
It's for your ass there.
No.
Why it will be for ass? For Bootie calls.
- Come on.
- All right.
Let's see.
What else? What else? And oh! All the NBA players, they got locked out of their houses.
- Nope.
- Yep.
Because the commissioner Howard Stern couldn't find the keys.
Nope.
That's wrong.
You know what they should get, Seth? One of those they should get one of those fake rocks.
You put it outside your rock with a hollow bottom.
You know how they work? Yeah.
Hide a key in the hollow bottom.
That's way better.
I chuck it through the window.
So much smarter.
Anthony, everyone! There's someone in there.
According to a new study 91% of children in the U.
S.
Play video games while the other 9% ARE too fat to play video games.
A man in Kansas who was taken to the hospital after he was stabbed in the scrotum with a hypodermic needle until an argument and that's just one of the reasons to never get in an argument when your scrotum is out.
50 couples in Maine this past weekend competed in the annual wife carrying championship.
Which means that afterwards, 49 couples drove home in stony silence.
Good carrying.
A restauranteur in New York city is planning to convert an old Ferry in to a floating lobster restaurant combining the grand your of a terrible commute with the sanitary standards of the Hudson river.
The assistant suicide machine will be auctioned off later this month so if you're looking for a great gag gift for grandma just a suggestion.
I actually don't know what it looks like.
Can we take a look? Oh, come on! A woman in Chicago's 39 weeks pregnant ran the marathon Sunday and then gave birth to a daughter after she'd finished the race.
I think we have a photo of the baby.
Halloween is just around the corner.
Here to talk about a new trend are two teenagers dressed as werewolves.
You're already in costume.
Oh, we love Halloween.
Aren't you too old to be trick or treating? Oh, we don't trick or treat, but we still get candy.
OK.
How's that? It's called bag jacking, Seth.
Little kids get candy And we take it.
Sorry, bag jacking? You know, instead of going house to house, we go kid to kid and take their bags, and they just cry like, "I'm hungry.
" I want my Candy.
It is really funny.
I don't think it is fun for everyone.
Oh, it is.
We made a song about it.
Man, hit the track.
What we doin' Drake We bag jacking bitches What we doin' Drake We bag jacking bitches We'll take your whole bag of Candy, leave you in the cold, so bring your ruckus if you under 12 years old It's 7:58 and now your curfews pushing Watch out 'cause like Republicans I'm behind the bushes It wasn't me if you ask me That's what I'mma tell you and I'mma eat so much chocolate my blood type's nutella It sounds dramatic stay tru, kidnap Willy Wonka and bitch slap the oompa loompa What we doin Drake We bag jacking bitches What we doin Drake We bag jacking bitches we'll take your bag of Candy leave you in the cold so you bring your ruckus if you're under 12 years old Give me your Reese's pieces Give me your Hershey bar I want your milky way Give me that snickers bar I would trick or treat but I'm too old now so I snatch your bag So, I don't look like a pedophile My sticky fingers got all of these mothers mad at me We're talking stomach aches Restraining orders cavities I probably won't have no teeth when I'm finished I don't pay for the porcelains.
I just marry my dentist.
What we doin Drake We bag jacking bitches What we doin Drake We bag jacking bitches We'll take your whole bag of Candy, leave you in the cold So bring your ruckus if you're under 12 years old Happy Halloween! Happy Halloween! Thank you.
Two teenagers dressed as werewolves, everyone.
They jack bag.
This weekend is the New York comic con if you're wondering why your local grocery store is out of aluminum foil.
The national hot dog and sausage council on Monday condemned the incident of throwing a hot dog at Tiger Woods during a tournament.
The council incidentally is made up of the most disgusting parts of other councils.
A couple in Massachusetts called police to rescue them after they were lost in a corn Maze, even more embarrassing, this was the Maze.
Good night?! Four root beer floats.
Enjoy, ladies.
Hey.
What's the matter, Kendra? Yeah, Kendra.
You love root beer floats.
Oh, you know, just boy drama.
What happened? Well, there's this guy and, Well, we've been texts and, Well, I'm really in to him and, Well, I can't tell if he's in to Me or not.
Well, have you talked to him, yet? I would but I don't know what to say.
All right, Kendra.
Listen up.
I know something about love You got to want him bad If the guy's got in to your blood go ahead and get him if you want him to be the very part of you that makes you want to breathe Here's the thing to do Tell him that you're never going to leave him Tell him that you're always going to love him Tell him tell him tell him Tell him right now But guys, I did tell him that on our first date.
I told him I would never leave him and that I would always love him.
He seemed really weirded out.
Oh, my god, you can't say something that intense on your first date.
Yeah, Kendra.
When you first start dating a guy you have to keep things Light and casual.
Before you tell him you love him, you have to tell him a lot of other things, first.
Tell him that you don't believe in marriage Tell him that you don't care if you have kids Tell him Tell him tell him Tell him all lies But I love him.
Why would I lie to him? She's not getting it.
You see, lies are a natural part of the dating process.
Especially early on.
You need to show him that you're not one of those girls.
What do you mean, those girls? I mean, like, girls.
You need to tell them that you love watching hockey Tell him that you play "Call of Duty" Tell him you're a total nerd And you love reading comics But I don't understand.
I don't even know what "Call of Duty" is.
What if he asks me to play it with him? Trust me.
He'll never ask you to play.
He just wants you to appreciate all the time he spends playing It.
And if guys want to watch sports and sci-fi all day, why don't they just date each other? Increasingly they do.
In fact, psychologists predict that eventually all men will become gay to watch their favorite shows.
But for now they still need sex.
And when it comes to that, you have to seem fun and up for anything.
Tell him that you'll always do a three-way Tell him that you want porn every day Tell him you're not broke out and you said the word panties What do you want us to call them? - Underwear! - No! Okay.
So early on I have to lie to him a little, but once we're dating then we're just honest with each other, right? No.
Then you enter a new phase of lies.
I call it maintaining the mystery.
I know something about men they never want to know How us women keep it all up You have to hide it If you want him to stay pining after you then you have to hide the things all women do.
Tell him that You're natural hairless Make him think you never use the bathroom, then when he's sleeping you can run to Starbucks Wait, I can never go to the bathroom? No! Of course not.
I went away to mexico with a guy once.
I spent so much time in the lobby bathroom people started tipping me.
One night after a big dinner I had to fake a kidnapping just to Get a couple hours alone.
But it was worth it because at The end of the trip he said I was one of the chillest girls he ever met and that he would call Me.
Did he? It's been a real crazy work year for him, but we're going to hang out real soon, though.
This seems like a lot of deception just to fall in love.
Here's the deal.
These are just the things we say until we actually fall in love.
When you meet the one, none of This matters.
You can finally just be yourself and not worry about playing games or tricking him.
Then you know It will be True Love from fairytale You'll both be happy But if he tries to bail Tell him that You're pregnant and it's his kid Tell him that You need to get married Tell him Tell him Tell him tell him right Tell him Tell him.
Tell him Tell him right Tell him Tell him tell him Tell him right now [ Cheers and applause .]
You're watching Michigan State Campus TV.
At 4:15, it's "Hazing Bloopers with Al Fakai," But up next, it's "J-Pop America Fun Time Now.
" [ SINGING IN FAKE JAPANESE .]
J-Pop America Fun Time Now Konnichiwa.
Konnichiwa.
I am Jonathan-san.
I'm Rebecca-san.
Welcome to "J-Pop America Fun Time Now"! Celebrating Japanese culture, fashion and music.
[ SINGING IN FAKE JAPANESE .]
Before we begin, we should clarify that Jonathan-san and myself are not Japanese.
I am from Nebraska.
And I'm from Daytona beach-aru.
We have never been to Japan, but it is our dream.
[ GIGGLING .]
Our passion for all things Japanese was inspired by our honorable Japanese study Professor Sensei Mark Kaufman.
He is here because he is our hero, and also because we need a faculty member present to run the TV studio.
Please, a very huge, happy hello to Sensei Mark.
Hello, Hello? Hey guys, I love the enthusiasm.
I would like to point out to everyone watching that what Rebecca and Jonathan have latched onto represents a very narrow and mostly inaccurate view of Japanese culture.
They are actually my two worst students.
Thank you, Sensei Mark.
Sensei is Japanese for one who has been guided by the spirits of many ages-aru.
No, no, no.
It's not.
It just means teacher.
That's all it means.
Sensei Mark has a great sense of humor-ru.
Hih-Hih.
Oh! [ SINGING IN FAKE JAPANESE .]
Guest time Our honored guest today has the largest anime video collection on MSU's campus.
Please bow with honor for the Jennifer Hamstead-staru.
It is an honor to be here.
Or as they say in Japan [ SPEAKS GIBBERISH .]
No, no, no.
No one says that.
None of those are words.
Jennifer-san, it looks like you are dressed as a character from Japanese anime, or the art of Japanese animation-dedu.
Yes, I made this costume based on a character I created named Cherry Cherry Iraq and Iran.
Oh! How very Japanese.
Certainly you are the very most Japanese.
You two are non-hinjin which is Japanese for Japanese.
None of you are Japanese.
Okay? Also, you're riding a fine line between homage and racism, kids.
[ GIGGLING .]
Oh! Sensei Mark, you must know I am not a racist.
My girlfriend is Japanese! [ LAUGHTER .]
Hi.
And Jennifer-san, you have super yes good news for this weekend.
Yes.
I'm hosting a viewing party in the Steinberg Recreational Center-desu of the 1976 anime series "Candy Candy.
" Candy, we love to the one who wants to love us.
Oh! Oh! I love it so much I've written a song about it in Japanese.
Oh, please.
We want to hear it.
Yeah! [ SINGING IN FAKE JAPANESE .]
- Oh.
- Oh.
- Okay.
- Okay.
That's the end of our show.
But before we go, we must thank and give all credit to the one that started this, Sensei Mark.
No, no, no.
Don't you dare put this on me.
So, good bye, see you next time on J-Pop America Fun Time Now! [ SPEAKING IN FAKE JAPANESE .]
Ladies and gentlemen, Drake featuring Nicki Minaj.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE .]
I like a woman with a future and a past A lil attitude problem all good It'll make all last don't make it too easy girl Don't take it too fast Yeah, that's it Right there that's it do it just like that only you can do it just like that and I love it when your hair still wet 'cause you just took a shower Running on a treadmill and only eating salad sound so smart like you graduated college but you probably went to Howard knowing you weekend in Miami Tryna study by the pool couple things due but you always get it done might have been a time when I loved her too but you take that away and you'll always be the one one I wonder why the moon looks nice girl maybe it's just right for the night You said coming on too strong girl They want you in their life as a wife That's why you wanna have no sex why you wanna protest why you wanna fight for your right 'cause you don't love them boys run everything that noise I know things get hard but girl you got it girl you got it there you go can't you tell by how they looking at you everywhere you go wondering what's on your mind it must be hard to be that fine when all these wanna waste your time it's just amazing girl and all I can say is I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so proud of you I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so proud of you I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so proud of you everything's adding up you've been through hell and back that's why you're bad as and you B-b-b-bet I am all of them I'm better then mansions in Malibu babblin but I never mention everything I dabble in and I always ride slow when I'm straddlin' and my so wet you gotta padde in Gotta ro-ro-row gotta row ya boat It's pink Friday records and ovo done did the pop tour I'm the realest deal best legal team so the deals is ill it's Mac, opi and a fragrance too apparel I'm dominating every Avenue cobblestone good view lil Gravel too gotta pay for the entourage travel too cause I'm fly fly fly I'm flying high ain't got time to talk just I and Bye baby you can ask me to take a break I'll give it all away don't care what the people say I'll be a million billion trillion miles away he asked my sign I said a sag I'm a star sheriff badge whats the point if I'm guardin double D up hoes Dolly Parton I know things get hard but girl you got it girl you got it there you go can't you tell by how they looking at you everywhere you go wondering what's on your mind it must be hard to be that fine when all these Wanna waste your time it's just amazing girl and all I can say is I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so proud of you I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so proud of you I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so proud of you everything's adding up you've been through hell and back that's why you're bad as and you know you are New York City, make some noise for Nicki Minaj one time please! Make some noise for Drake, please! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
We going to do this one more time.
Get ready? Let's go.
I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so proud of you I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so proud of you I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so proud of you [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE .]
Honey, we are all very excited to meet your new fella.
I bet he's a huge loser.
Shut up, Steven! Yeah, come on, Steven.
Knock it off.
Anything's gonna be better than that last guy.
Go easy on this one, dad.
I really like him, okay? Well, it's my birthday.
I don't have to go easy on anybody.
[ DOORBELL RINGS .]
Oh guys, he's here.
Come on in.
Presenting Lord Wyndemere! Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha ha! It is I! Everyone, this is my boyfriend Cecil.
I want sweets! [ LAUGHTER .]
What? Cecil, do you want to sit down and make yourself at home? I don't want to sit down.
I want to do my dance! Cecil has a little dance he does to show off.
Turlington, my melody! [ LAUGHTER .]
Ha Ha ha! Oh! I could watch that all day! Debbie, you didn't tell me this guy was awesome.
Oh, he is.
When I first saw him chasing swans in the park, I was like, Oh, mama, please.
I am hungry.
I want sweets! Steve! Get off your Butt and get the little guy some sweets! No.
I just remembered.
I know a secret and I shan't tell a soul even if you catch me.
- What? - You can't catch me.
Ha ha ha ha ha! Wait! somebody catch that little son of a bitch! I want to hear that secret! Ha Ha Ha Ha ha! Catch him! Ha Ha Ha Ha ha! I'm going to hide where no one can find me! I'll go get him.
You can usually hear him giggling.
Oh, man, oh, boy! How great is Cecil? Huh? Real salt of the earth.
Dad, he brought a fricking footman.
I mean, look at this dude.
You'll never catch me! That is great.
Oh, have the sweets come yet? That's real good.
Steven! Did I not say get the boy some sweets? I don't want to.
Gary.
I'll go get the cake.
Thanks, babe.
Cecil is a little shy but he want it is know if he can give you a present.
Are you kidding me? Absolutely.
Turlington.
That's his dog Bugsby Bugsby's nose is cold.
Ha ha ha! Lord Wyndemere, this is too much.
What did you give me, Steven? You said you didn't want anything.
Yeah, well, I guess I was wrong.
I wanted this.
Okay, everybody.
Happy birthday to you Wait, wait, wait.
Stop! stop, stop, stop! Look at Lord Wyndemere! Sweet.
Oh, man.
He's out like a light.
I remember when you guys were this age.
Actually, dad, he's 48.
No kidding.
No wunder he's tuckered out.
I was just pretending! You little scamp.
Hey, do that dance again, will you? Certainly.
Turlington.
Look at him go.
Steven, watch him! I will not stop until we find this.
Okay.
Welcome inside here today.
I'm not good at talking sometimes.
I'm sorry.
Hi.
Oh, please, have what we want.
We have been to every bookstore.
We certainly have some stuff.
What you looking for? A Ferrari calendar.
You ladies in to cars? No.
We're in to the freaking hot guys that pose next to them.
Ferrari calendars have the hottest guys, and if we don't get our hands on one, our asses will explode.
Whoa.
I don't want to clean that up.
They're right over there.
Oh, my god, Danielle.
It's a frigging Ferrari calendar.
I don't know what I'm going to do when I see these guys.
We have to play it real cool or our whole asses are going to explode.
Oh, I hope they do.
Here we go.
January.
Are you ready? God, I feel like I need to put lipstick on.
Oh, OK.
Oh, God.
Look how fricking gorgeous this guy is.
He is exactly my type.
So much attitude.
Square jaw.
Dark glasses.
White sneakers.
Fitted light jeans, rolled above the shoe, half his mouth covered his popped up collar.
Yellow teeth.
Kiss me now.
I can't take it.
Can't take it.
Go to June I want to see my birthday month.
I have to find out where that model is and go to his house.
I love how he's pretending to point and with attitude.
Bright white hair.
Black eyebrows and a Dent in his forehead.
Slightly crossed eyes, long fingernails, short legs.
Oh! Hello.
Yeah.
Those can come in handy.
Let's go to September.
Oh! Now this one's the boyfriend type.
My mom would be like, finally, a guy with huge knees, tiny shoulders and an inexplicable point coming out of his head.
Don't leave out he has a tiny, purple, newborn baby neck.
I noticed.
I noticed.
May! May! Oh! Oh my god.
This is my dream guy.
This is kid from the streets attitude.
Long, stringy, shiny ear lobes.
Six-inch waist.
A vertical belly button.
Huge, beautiful blue triangle-shaped eyes.
No nose, just holes.
Did you notice the adorable tiny foot coming straight out of his butt? Oh, did I? Hello! Yeah.
Ladies, are you going to buy the calendar or just look at it? Just look at it.
That's fine for the way I say today.
What is wrong with me? Okay.
Look, I don't know about you but I don't know if I can handle having this calendar in my home.
I know.
My ass would explode all over the house.
We're pinning after perfection who we'll never find I hear december leaves around here.
- What? - What? - God.
Oh! Oh! - Oh! Whoa.
Cool sunglasses, pepperoni nipples.
A bright red wizard hat.
Look at those legs and Pilgrim shoes.
- My God.
- It's him! What? Want to go for a spin? Pepperoni nipples.
Let's be today now Our lives have been changed! I'm ready to take a chance again [ APPLAUSE .]
Thank you so much to Drake, Nicki Minaj, Lorne Michaels.
[ APPLAUSE .]