Saturday Night Live (1975) s39e01 Episode Script
Tina Fey & Arcade Fire
1 At 4:30, it's Beach House, a members on their summer But first we go to Prince George speaking in support of the Affordable Care Act.
[cheers and applause.]
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
for the affordable care act will all Americans, polls show that many are confused of the details of the law.
Some have criticized me for failing to explain it better.
So today I've asked regular will change your life for the better.
Thank you, thank you Mr.
psyched For Obama care.
There you go, I love that care, I can get sick all the it works.
Thanks, President.
Okay, well, one great thing about the affordable care act is that your children can stay on Here with a father son success sory are Larry and Craig Douglas Wow! lazy, good for nothing son has full health coverage.
We kept telling him, hey, idiot, never have to lift a finger to get insurance.
Well, I'm sure he wants to This is a true story, okay.
couldn't even close the laptop.
We walked in from church and the porno was still playing full He was lying on the floor.
You're a loser, son.
If I'm a loser, how come I have health care.
Chris Christie in '16.
Okay.
Is there anyone here with something serious to say about And I do not like you in a box.
I do not like you with a Fox.
All right, not more Dr.
Because the trees do not speak.
But if they could speak, they can already have so many complaint the about Obama care.
My iPhone 5s broke and I took it to the Genius Bar and they would I believe you're confusing Obama care with Apple Care.
your watch.
Look, okay.
Bottom line, health care costs have spun out of control in this country, and no one knows that overworked ER doctors, like Dr.
Melissa Cronitz.
I have no idea what this does, all I know Obama care or stop putting stuff up their butts.
on a toy fire truck.
Doctor, come on.
You want to save 5 billion a year in health care costs, stop Okay.
Okay, thank you.
Mexico with a heartbreaking story about health care before So, uh, [cheers and applause.]
Yeah, I have this friend, you But because there was not Obama care, he couldn't afford the And -- He was.
So he did what any of us would have done, he started cooking meth.
And soon, it wasn't just meth, it was murder, you know.
And not regular murder, like he blew half a guy's face off.
I think we can probably wrap Jesse from New Mexico, everybody.
Hold on, you don't want to No.
[cheers and applause.]
that the system is overwhelmed or hard to sign up for.
But the fact is, it couldn't be easier.
Well I signed up be like me 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9 Oh my God, the bone is through the skin.
call an ambulance.
I don't have health insurance.
Why didn't you sign up? It was too complicated to figure out.
My family came here for the welfare.
Okay, I have not explained Saturday Night.
ANNOUNCER: It's "Saturday Kate McKinnon Seth Meyers Bobby Moynihan Nasim Pedrad Kenan Thompson Kyle Mooney Mike O'Brien Noel Wells Brook Wheelan Musical guest -- Arcade Fire and your host -- Tina Fey.
Ladies and gentlemen, Tina Fey! you might know, I don't have a show any more.
three weeks, a little part of me dies.
[laughter.]
How am I going to demand the best table at Subway if I don't You know, I worked here at SNL for nine years -- [cheers and applause.]
come back and get to do all my Yeah, I had so many popular characters that people still ask Queef Latina.
[laughter.]
Which, of course, went on to be Hold on to your hats, I'm going I'm going to do Salvador Dali Parton.
[laughter.]
Not to be confused with Reba And everyone remembers the lady with no theme song.
She's the lady start her sketch and she's a vampire I'm just messing with you, I never had any characters, I'm just pleasant.
But I bet you know who has a lot of characters, our six new so says my plastic surgeon.
Come out here, new kids.
[cheers and applause.]
How old are you, sweetheart? Stand over here.
first job on the show.
As new cast members one of your very embarrassing dancing behind the host in the monologue.
Everyone does it, here's me dancing with Andy Roddick.
There's me being a goon behind And here I am in a trenchcoat.
Yeah, you got to do it.
It's not just for ladies.
tap dancing with Katie Holmes.
'cause what happened was, Katie Holmes told us she was really turned out that she was not.
Will just got out there and he made it work, you guys.
So it's humiliating, but it's part of the job, and I'm so honored that I get to be the person to do this to you.
We're going to show America that you're in it to win it.
humiliated for the first time anywhere.
The featured players of "Saturday Night Live.
" Do you really want to make Then let me see you shake it Good, that's very embarrassing You're going to feel a deep shame coming up from here and out Remember it was your dream to work here.
It's not? I hope your father isn't watching [laughter.]
passage that couldn't be gayer Say it loud, say it proud I'm a featured player Bring it home nerds.
we'll be right back Let your spirit die.
[cheers and applause.]
for the night.
[cheers and applause.]
"Girls.
" living the life I was meant to wanted to be living.
I had my entire future else is doing a rewrite.
From writer/director I just find orgies so boring.
Returns with all new episodes.
Today, an old man on the All new problems.
I mean, I don't think I do.
Right? And an all new girl from albania.
I have roof over head.
For this, I thank God.
Call your Mama you should know I have OCD.
I also have OCD.
Cool.
You're obsessive compulsive, too? It's when old cow bites you and disease infects the skin.
Honestly, your life is, like, so much more interesting than mine.
I had sex with a cab driver, You're a prostitute? No, it's not prostitution if you don't get paid.
You are unpaid prostitute.
You are lower than dog.
Oh.
I mean, don't get me wrong, Ray is great, but there's times I wish he was someone else.
No, that I was someone else, you Don't speak.
If they drown you in river.
I am very hungry, please may I eat doughnut from your head.
internet millionaire.
shallow grave.
On windy days, the dirt covering him blows away and you can see skull.
We belong together.
Why can't you see that I Because I can see it.
And Blurta can see it.
You will never do better than this man.
He is strong like ox.
A new season of Girls, with I just don't know how It's okay.
No, I'm not.
I'm 24.
24? What the [bleep.]
is wrong with gentlemen, welcome to flight number 314 with service from We are now ready to begin boarding.
boarding passes and listen for your group to be called before approaching the gate.
What group are we, honey? Two.
We'd first like to invite any elderly passengers or those needing special assistance.
with small children.
[laughter.]
Look, Dad, planes.
Sorry, he loves planes.
We'd like to invite all our business class.
[laughter.]
It's taking a long time.
Honey, they're a commercial airline, I think they know what they're doing.
all foreign passengers who have and try to board anyway.
Once again we're asking for passengers to begin pushing understanding English.
And we'd now like to welcome any travelers with carry ons that have absolutely no chance of compartment.
It will fit.
Oh, it will fit.
Single business travelers, working on laptops, please board now and continue working on those urgently needed graphs.
This is an overbooked If you'd like to take the first your lifestyle permits this.
Beginning with our elite plane has landed.
[laughter.]
We will not board you, what you do is stupid.
[laughter.]
And it looks like we're just about done with the boarding process.
boarded yet.
You are absolutely right, it been on a plane before.
Neither have I.
Dave are you inviting me to go to Dallas with you? I think I am, Carol.
What do you say? stars in their eyes.
It's time for America's "New Cast Member or Arcade Fire"? The game is simple.
difference between a member of Arcade Fire and one of "SNL"'s new featured players.
She made you laugh on "30 Rock" and she can be a real bossy Miss Tina Fey.
[cheers and applause.]
Thank you.
Great to be here.
Great to have you, Tina.
No, I do not think that I will do well.
Tina, here's the first matchup.
Okay, Tina, which one is the new cast member, and which one's in Arcade Fire? comfortable on stage, kind of alternative.
But the guy in the glasses has a real deer in the headlights look.
He's already sweated through his Glasses guy is definitely the [ding.]
You are correct.
Hey, Tina.
Or should I say salutations? No silly voices! Not here! Get your ass out of here! So sorry, Tina.
That was not supposed to happen.
No, he seems like he'll be great.
All right, Tina.
Here's your next challenge.
New cast MEMBER or Arcade Fire? Okay, this is getting a little tougher.
Talk about a "Sophie's Choice.
" I'm trying to picture either of Oh, absolutely.
Can we bring in the old-timey instruments? I don't know.
Boy, the one in the black dress is in Arcade Fire? [buzz.]
Oh, I'm sorry.
That is actually a new cast Tina, it is such an honor to meet you.
I mean, the whole reason why I got into comedy -- No lines! You get no lines! That's something that you've got Okay? Get out of here! Get your ass out! Once again, Tina, I am very sorry.
No, that's okay.
I was a new cast member -- Shh.
Tina, this isn't an interview.
Thanks.
Here comes round three.
Okay, this guy in the tie is coming in real hot.
And on the left, you've got some Like, he could be a civil war basketball player.
Yeah, I can't tell who's on "SNL.
" Can I see them do an impression? Gentlemen, your finest Sure.
I'm watching you.
I'm watching you.
Can I phone a friend? Ah,Lorne Michaels.
[cheers and applause.]
Do you think you can help Tina new cast member? Remember, as producer of "Saturday Night Live," Lorne these people to be on the cast.
who's performed on "SNL" four times in the last six years.
the new cast member.
[ding.]
Is it the black one? [laughter.]
What? You mean me? I'm Kenan.
He thinks I'm a new cast member.
didn't he? Oh, do I win anything? Don't you have enough? See you next week, I guess.
Like a lot of people, I love to smoke.
it's crystal meth, but So it produces vapor instead of smoke.
That means I can ride the ice Smoking is a social thing know what to do with my hands.
with them.
Smoke meth.
[coughs.]
It's good.
Thanks to e-Meth.
bar to get my sweet shabu-shabu.
Mama can smoke that chunky white crunch anywhere.
At the office.
Or face down in a big old tire.
e-Meth is healthier because it doesn't contain anti-freeze.
But it still has that great meth taste.
E-Meth lets me get totally gacked up whoop-chicken without yellowing my teeth.
See? Perfectly white.
What? Hello? Thanks to e-Meth, I can even smoke Inside my favorite restaurant.
smoke meth in here.
[laughter.]
experience any side effects, e-Meth.
You know it's good cuz it's blue, bitch.
Ladies and gentlemen, [cheers and applause.]
Trapped in a prism in a prism of light alone in the darkness We fell in love [singing in French.]
I don't care I thought it's just a reflektor I found the connector it's just a reflektor Now, the signals we send we're so connected staring at a screen if this is heaven I need something more just a place to be alone because you're my home I thought I found a way to enter I thought I found the connector it's just a reflektor it's just a reflektor it's just a reflektor reflection it's just a reflection it's just a reflection just a reflection it's just a reflection it's just a reflection it's just a reflection just a reflection of a reflection of a reflection just a reflection on little silver discs our love is plastic I want to break free Down, down, down don't mess around I thought I found a way to enter it's just a reflektor I thought it's just a reflektor it's just a reflektor it's just a reflektor it's just a reflektor turns out it was just a reflektor it's just a reflektor thought you were praying to the resurrector turns out it was just a reflektor just a reflektor just a reflektor see you on the other side just a reflektor we all got things to hide just a reflektor reflektor just a reflektor [cheers and applause.]
Weekend Update with Seth Myers and Cecily Strong.
[cheers and applause.]
Welcome, Cecily.
Texas senator Ted Cruz this the floor of the senate, during of Darth Vader and admitted his arguing for, but I'm guessing legalizing weed? [laughter.]
week, attempted to defund Obama care before it begins open enrollment on October 1st.
Because you know the old saying, Iran's new president, from his predecessor was real, which I believe is the definition of the very least you could do.
This weekend AMC will air the series finale of Breaking Bad.
[cheers.]
Yeah, okay.
survive.
But I don't like your chances "Low Winter Sun.
" Sure.
I would like to thank all the Women like Jane Curtain.
modern weekend update era.
Amy Poehler.
Thank you, Cecily, you're Would you mind if I gave you a couple pieces of advice? You go up to the biggest guy in the yard and punch him in the Don't mess with Texas, keep your Believe in your nightmares.
See this man here, this man don't own you.
You in charge.
Say it like you mean it? I'm in charge.
Good.
That's real good, okay? phone number.
Do not call me.
I will, I promise.
Good, because I will be watching.
I won't be watching.
Geraldo Rivera is being sued by William Morris for failing to pay them.
He's fighting them to the death.
Why would I owe money to a talent agency.
connect the users to customer support.
Meanwhile, barnes & noble unveiled a new nook that automatically throws itself into the garbage.
[laughter and applause.]
eating a lot of fish may not actually make people smarter.
And that makes sense when you consider which one of your friends is constantly saying, we should get sushi.
A 99--year-old woman in iowa And in a sheer face of optimism, she's looking at colleges.
A mixture of codeine and away a person's skin, you may know it by its street name, Red A filmmaker is claiming a nazis could contain a code for a to create an adventure.
way to avoid passing on genes children very early.
Now, if someone criticizes you for being a pregnant teen, you it.
his own take, comedian Bruce Chandling.
Tell us, how is it going? Why don't we talk about Iran? It's classic New York, right? You know what I love about New York? Do you have any idea? Any idea? You go to L.
A.
, it's different.
The pizza is all vegan, gluten speech will have the impact he hoped? It's not easy to do what he Getting up in front of people.
East side to west side, north side to south side, by the end of the day I end up cross eyed.
You got to get used to saying no a lot.
like, you have a lot on your mind right now.
Of course, everyone these days is so obsessed with CDs.
We have to wrap this up.
The Last Castle Wednesday, it's going to be me, Ronnie Donnyae, Donny Ronnieae jr.
survey.
The University of Phoenix online O.
J.
Simpson was accused of stealing cookies from That's sad, I feel so bad for him.
You feel bad for O.
J.
Yeah, he's been through so much.
Did you know Liz ex-wife was murdered? Yeah, I did know that.
cookie, right? We should move on.
No, don't say that.
A Minnesota man was shot in jumped into his boat accidentally setting off the weapon.
I say accidentally, but shortly Virginity" In which celebrities tell him about their first sexual experience.
Stamos will then tell the sexual experience.
Well, it's back to school time for families across America, here to comment on the new school year is our own Drunk [cheers and applause.]
Are you ready for some baseball? Actually, I think it's white sports -- And we're back.
year.
You know, when I was a kid, Seth, you know, there was no It was just chalkboard, shiny shoes, grease pencil, abacus, pantaloons.
Okay, you went to school until you were eight, and then you got some swiss chard on my roku? spicy pumpkins, and that Sophia Viagra.
Kids today they don't even know the value of a dollar, Seth.
[cheers and applause.]
The only blurred line I know is our border with Mexico.
You know you want it All right, Drunk Uncle, I think you're a little too drunk.
Yeah, I watch "Big Brother.
" So, I didn't win an Emmy, okay? [laughter.]
it? Is it the Sabbath? Because I'm supposed to watch Breaking Bad with my dumb sister's stupid kid.
Who is that? It's my meth nephew.
Let's go.
Calm down, Buddy, please.
Seth, meth, meth, Seth.
Seth, I got a knock knock joke for you.
No, I am the one who knock It's from the show.
You're watching "Cinema Classics" on PBS.
Good evening, I am Reese Tonight we look back at one of Forgotten not because it was bad, necessarily, but because it was made in the '40s and most of its original audience is dead.
This is not why I am here.
But if you were to force me to I mean, ask my wife.
She asked me to guess her weight and I said, "Just your ass or The year was 1940.
America craved glamour and "Unwanted Woman.
" Here is a famous scene starring Miriam Duprey and her leading Lelaine, where do you think you're going? You're here with me.
I'm here with me and me You told me you kind of loved Of me? And my past? Ha! Now, don't come any closer, please! done.
Everything is just perfect now.
Here's a little tid bit, did Turns out the director's unless he gave her brother a job.
Her brother was a mentally challenged taxidermist.
Here's a scene where Lelaine confronts her booze addict daughter played by Stephanie more of this Tom foolery.
mother? Are you about to lose your manners on me? Are you gonna kick me in the I'm going to slap the hell out of your dirty mouth! [crying.]
Because! And I wish I was dead.
Dead under the dirt.
baby.
That makes two of us.
I mean, three.
I personally love this movie.
where an acorn should be.
Fullbank's mistress pressured him to focus more on the taxidermied animals than the actors.
mistress was blackmailing the writer.
Enjoy.
Where is this raccoon taking us? I demand to know where you They're taking us to 53rd and Fifth.
the location of the best taxidermist in the city, Eugene his skill is unparalleled.
I love you mother for knowing that.
watching "Cinema Classics, and 248 pounds not including ass.
For everyone at Cinema Classics, Bye-Bye.
A couple years ago, I had a not brand new.
And I decided to tell you folks used car commercial.
Lots of firsts here, folks.
Here's the thing, though, I'm are thinking I maybe just a she's just about as bonkers as I am.
Take it from a couple crazy kooks like us.
You're not gonna get a better deal on a used Model T.
Right Daisy? my babies to the well.
Whoa! Keep it fun.
Hey, listen folks, you come on down and sign the papers.
in your pocket that day.
No cash at signing.
And we've got every brand there automobiles.
One of them took me to the electricity to fix my thoughts.
that, they can take you Hey, folks, you're not gonna find a better deal on these tin lizzies.
And these suckers are fully They have everything, seats.
Daisy, tell these folks about those crazy interest rates.
I smashed a mirror 'Cause I saw a woman in there that's crazy.
Daisy, don't make me put you back in the attic.
that's just where medicine is I think I killed that Navajo root cellar.
film.
Crazy Rick's Model Ts.
I dug up daddy, he's still Whoa, no! So, come on down.
Daisy.
And once again, Arcade Fire.
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh Afterlife what an awful world after all the breath and the dirt and the fires have burnt and after all this time after all the ambulances go and after all the hangers on have done hanging on of the afterglow I've gotta know if we scream and shout 'til we work it out can we just work out scream and shout 'til we work out 'til we work out 'til we work out Afterlife I think I saw what happens next like looking through a window a shallow sea are done hanging on in the dead light of the afterglow can we work it out if we scream and shout 'til we work it out can we just work out scream and shout 'til we work out but you said where does it go Oh, when love is gone where does it go where do we go where do we go and after this after all the bad advice that had nothing at all to do with life can we work it out 'til we work it out can we just work out scream and shout 'til we work out but you said Oh, when love is gone and you said Oh, when love is gone where does it go oh, when love is gone where do we go oh oh oh It's just an afterlife Esquisite.
Stylist.
All the gritz and gramour of You'll feel like you're walking With Manual Blondiks.
Hi, we still aren't porn stars anymore.
I'm Brekky.
And you can too.
And we're not porn stars any more, but that doesn't mean we don't have a taste for the finest.
Did someone say, shoe let the dogs out? See you later, alli-larder.
Good ribbons.
dollars.
They're like Roy Royces for your feet.
Beep, beep.
And they're perfect for occasions like -- Solstice.
Black guy affairs.
[laughter.]
Your first Amber alert.
I guarantee it.
You'll feel like you're drinking Liking guilded anus.
You'll feel like you're Plus you can display them in a -- what's that thing you put your stuff in? Your mouth.
something? Oh, a cage.
No, a closet.
Oh, right, closet.
Did someone say, shoe left the dogs out? Yeah, I know.
[laughter.]
With Manual Blondiks.
Statue of Liberty's head.
I felt like I was hearing all of was thinking, more Manual I don't have a butt any more.
I got banged in it so hard, the doctors had to amputate.
what the heck? solar eclipse.
But I was really just locked in I was like, either way.
gerbils in the back of a Kia.
people.
Hey, remember Old Country Buffet? Get out of here.
Your belly shirts, you get a Did someone say, shoe let the Oh Yeah.
Okay, here.
one, two and four.
[laughter.]
I've never seen a man's genitals That's why I reach for Manilow's Blankets.
They're blankets made from Barry Hey, we're trying to do this ad and get free shoes from So wear the shoes 'cause if carpet funnel syndrome in your you'll want to wrap them puppies in some Manilow's Blankets.
And to my eighth grade gym teacher Ms.
Gomez.
Bet you're kicking yourself now So in collusion, do yourself a favor, buy some manilow better with-- [cheers and applause.]
Aaron Paul.
[cheers and applause.]
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
for the affordable care act will all Americans, polls show that many are confused of the details of the law.
Some have criticized me for failing to explain it better.
So today I've asked regular will change your life for the better.
Thank you, thank you Mr.
psyched For Obama care.
There you go, I love that care, I can get sick all the it works.
Thanks, President.
Okay, well, one great thing about the affordable care act is that your children can stay on Here with a father son success sory are Larry and Craig Douglas Wow! lazy, good for nothing son has full health coverage.
We kept telling him, hey, idiot, never have to lift a finger to get insurance.
Well, I'm sure he wants to This is a true story, okay.
couldn't even close the laptop.
We walked in from church and the porno was still playing full He was lying on the floor.
You're a loser, son.
If I'm a loser, how come I have health care.
Chris Christie in '16.
Okay.
Is there anyone here with something serious to say about And I do not like you in a box.
I do not like you with a Fox.
All right, not more Dr.
Because the trees do not speak.
But if they could speak, they can already have so many complaint the about Obama care.
My iPhone 5s broke and I took it to the Genius Bar and they would I believe you're confusing Obama care with Apple Care.
your watch.
Look, okay.
Bottom line, health care costs have spun out of control in this country, and no one knows that overworked ER doctors, like Dr.
Melissa Cronitz.
I have no idea what this does, all I know Obama care or stop putting stuff up their butts.
on a toy fire truck.
Doctor, come on.
You want to save 5 billion a year in health care costs, stop Okay.
Okay, thank you.
Mexico with a heartbreaking story about health care before So, uh, [cheers and applause.]
Yeah, I have this friend, you But because there was not Obama care, he couldn't afford the And -- He was.
So he did what any of us would have done, he started cooking meth.
And soon, it wasn't just meth, it was murder, you know.
And not regular murder, like he blew half a guy's face off.
I think we can probably wrap Jesse from New Mexico, everybody.
Hold on, you don't want to No.
[cheers and applause.]
that the system is overwhelmed or hard to sign up for.
But the fact is, it couldn't be easier.
Well I signed up be like me 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9 Oh my God, the bone is through the skin.
call an ambulance.
I don't have health insurance.
Why didn't you sign up? It was too complicated to figure out.
My family came here for the welfare.
Okay, I have not explained Saturday Night.
ANNOUNCER: It's "Saturday Kate McKinnon Seth Meyers Bobby Moynihan Nasim Pedrad Kenan Thompson Kyle Mooney Mike O'Brien Noel Wells Brook Wheelan Musical guest -- Arcade Fire and your host -- Tina Fey.
Ladies and gentlemen, Tina Fey! you might know, I don't have a show any more.
three weeks, a little part of me dies.
[laughter.]
How am I going to demand the best table at Subway if I don't You know, I worked here at SNL for nine years -- [cheers and applause.]
come back and get to do all my Yeah, I had so many popular characters that people still ask Queef Latina.
[laughter.]
Which, of course, went on to be Hold on to your hats, I'm going I'm going to do Salvador Dali Parton.
[laughter.]
Not to be confused with Reba And everyone remembers the lady with no theme song.
She's the lady start her sketch and she's a vampire I'm just messing with you, I never had any characters, I'm just pleasant.
But I bet you know who has a lot of characters, our six new so says my plastic surgeon.
Come out here, new kids.
[cheers and applause.]
How old are you, sweetheart? Stand over here.
first job on the show.
As new cast members one of your very embarrassing dancing behind the host in the monologue.
Everyone does it, here's me dancing with Andy Roddick.
There's me being a goon behind And here I am in a trenchcoat.
Yeah, you got to do it.
It's not just for ladies.
tap dancing with Katie Holmes.
'cause what happened was, Katie Holmes told us she was really turned out that she was not.
Will just got out there and he made it work, you guys.
So it's humiliating, but it's part of the job, and I'm so honored that I get to be the person to do this to you.
We're going to show America that you're in it to win it.
humiliated for the first time anywhere.
The featured players of "Saturday Night Live.
" Do you really want to make Then let me see you shake it Good, that's very embarrassing You're going to feel a deep shame coming up from here and out Remember it was your dream to work here.
It's not? I hope your father isn't watching [laughter.]
passage that couldn't be gayer Say it loud, say it proud I'm a featured player Bring it home nerds.
we'll be right back Let your spirit die.
[cheers and applause.]
for the night.
[cheers and applause.]
"Girls.
" living the life I was meant to wanted to be living.
I had my entire future else is doing a rewrite.
From writer/director I just find orgies so boring.
Returns with all new episodes.
Today, an old man on the All new problems.
I mean, I don't think I do.
Right? And an all new girl from albania.
I have roof over head.
For this, I thank God.
Call your Mama you should know I have OCD.
I also have OCD.
Cool.
You're obsessive compulsive, too? It's when old cow bites you and disease infects the skin.
Honestly, your life is, like, so much more interesting than mine.
I had sex with a cab driver, You're a prostitute? No, it's not prostitution if you don't get paid.
You are unpaid prostitute.
You are lower than dog.
Oh.
I mean, don't get me wrong, Ray is great, but there's times I wish he was someone else.
No, that I was someone else, you Don't speak.
If they drown you in river.
I am very hungry, please may I eat doughnut from your head.
internet millionaire.
shallow grave.
On windy days, the dirt covering him blows away and you can see skull.
We belong together.
Why can't you see that I Because I can see it.
And Blurta can see it.
You will never do better than this man.
He is strong like ox.
A new season of Girls, with I just don't know how It's okay.
No, I'm not.
I'm 24.
24? What the [bleep.]
is wrong with gentlemen, welcome to flight number 314 with service from We are now ready to begin boarding.
boarding passes and listen for your group to be called before approaching the gate.
What group are we, honey? Two.
We'd first like to invite any elderly passengers or those needing special assistance.
with small children.
[laughter.]
Look, Dad, planes.
Sorry, he loves planes.
We'd like to invite all our business class.
[laughter.]
It's taking a long time.
Honey, they're a commercial airline, I think they know what they're doing.
all foreign passengers who have and try to board anyway.
Once again we're asking for passengers to begin pushing understanding English.
And we'd now like to welcome any travelers with carry ons that have absolutely no chance of compartment.
It will fit.
Oh, it will fit.
Single business travelers, working on laptops, please board now and continue working on those urgently needed graphs.
This is an overbooked If you'd like to take the first your lifestyle permits this.
Beginning with our elite plane has landed.
[laughter.]
We will not board you, what you do is stupid.
[laughter.]
And it looks like we're just about done with the boarding process.
boarded yet.
You are absolutely right, it been on a plane before.
Neither have I.
Dave are you inviting me to go to Dallas with you? I think I am, Carol.
What do you say? stars in their eyes.
It's time for America's "New Cast Member or Arcade Fire"? The game is simple.
difference between a member of Arcade Fire and one of "SNL"'s new featured players.
She made you laugh on "30 Rock" and she can be a real bossy Miss Tina Fey.
[cheers and applause.]
Thank you.
Great to be here.
Great to have you, Tina.
No, I do not think that I will do well.
Tina, here's the first matchup.
Okay, Tina, which one is the new cast member, and which one's in Arcade Fire? comfortable on stage, kind of alternative.
But the guy in the glasses has a real deer in the headlights look.
He's already sweated through his Glasses guy is definitely the [ding.]
You are correct.
Hey, Tina.
Or should I say salutations? No silly voices! Not here! Get your ass out of here! So sorry, Tina.
That was not supposed to happen.
No, he seems like he'll be great.
All right, Tina.
Here's your next challenge.
New cast MEMBER or Arcade Fire? Okay, this is getting a little tougher.
Talk about a "Sophie's Choice.
" I'm trying to picture either of Oh, absolutely.
Can we bring in the old-timey instruments? I don't know.
Boy, the one in the black dress is in Arcade Fire? [buzz.]
Oh, I'm sorry.
That is actually a new cast Tina, it is such an honor to meet you.
I mean, the whole reason why I got into comedy -- No lines! You get no lines! That's something that you've got Okay? Get out of here! Get your ass out! Once again, Tina, I am very sorry.
No, that's okay.
I was a new cast member -- Shh.
Tina, this isn't an interview.
Thanks.
Here comes round three.
Okay, this guy in the tie is coming in real hot.
And on the left, you've got some Like, he could be a civil war basketball player.
Yeah, I can't tell who's on "SNL.
" Can I see them do an impression? Gentlemen, your finest Sure.
I'm watching you.
I'm watching you.
Can I phone a friend? Ah,Lorne Michaels.
[cheers and applause.]
Do you think you can help Tina new cast member? Remember, as producer of "Saturday Night Live," Lorne these people to be on the cast.
who's performed on "SNL" four times in the last six years.
the new cast member.
[ding.]
Is it the black one? [laughter.]
What? You mean me? I'm Kenan.
He thinks I'm a new cast member.
didn't he? Oh, do I win anything? Don't you have enough? See you next week, I guess.
Like a lot of people, I love to smoke.
it's crystal meth, but So it produces vapor instead of smoke.
That means I can ride the ice Smoking is a social thing know what to do with my hands.
with them.
Smoke meth.
[coughs.]
It's good.
Thanks to e-Meth.
bar to get my sweet shabu-shabu.
Mama can smoke that chunky white crunch anywhere.
At the office.
Or face down in a big old tire.
e-Meth is healthier because it doesn't contain anti-freeze.
But it still has that great meth taste.
E-Meth lets me get totally gacked up whoop-chicken without yellowing my teeth.
See? Perfectly white.
What? Hello? Thanks to e-Meth, I can even smoke Inside my favorite restaurant.
smoke meth in here.
[laughter.]
experience any side effects, e-Meth.
You know it's good cuz it's blue, bitch.
Ladies and gentlemen, [cheers and applause.]
Trapped in a prism in a prism of light alone in the darkness We fell in love [singing in French.]
I don't care I thought it's just a reflektor I found the connector it's just a reflektor Now, the signals we send we're so connected staring at a screen if this is heaven I need something more just a place to be alone because you're my home I thought I found a way to enter I thought I found the connector it's just a reflektor it's just a reflektor it's just a reflektor reflection it's just a reflection it's just a reflection just a reflection it's just a reflection it's just a reflection it's just a reflection just a reflection of a reflection of a reflection just a reflection on little silver discs our love is plastic I want to break free Down, down, down don't mess around I thought I found a way to enter it's just a reflektor I thought it's just a reflektor it's just a reflektor it's just a reflektor it's just a reflektor turns out it was just a reflektor it's just a reflektor thought you were praying to the resurrector turns out it was just a reflektor just a reflektor just a reflektor see you on the other side just a reflektor we all got things to hide just a reflektor reflektor just a reflektor [cheers and applause.]
Weekend Update with Seth Myers and Cecily Strong.
[cheers and applause.]
Welcome, Cecily.
Texas senator Ted Cruz this the floor of the senate, during of Darth Vader and admitted his arguing for, but I'm guessing legalizing weed? [laughter.]
week, attempted to defund Obama care before it begins open enrollment on October 1st.
Because you know the old saying, Iran's new president, from his predecessor was real, which I believe is the definition of the very least you could do.
This weekend AMC will air the series finale of Breaking Bad.
[cheers.]
Yeah, okay.
survive.
But I don't like your chances "Low Winter Sun.
" Sure.
I would like to thank all the Women like Jane Curtain.
modern weekend update era.
Amy Poehler.
Thank you, Cecily, you're Would you mind if I gave you a couple pieces of advice? You go up to the biggest guy in the yard and punch him in the Don't mess with Texas, keep your Believe in your nightmares.
See this man here, this man don't own you.
You in charge.
Say it like you mean it? I'm in charge.
Good.
That's real good, okay? phone number.
Do not call me.
I will, I promise.
Good, because I will be watching.
I won't be watching.
Geraldo Rivera is being sued by William Morris for failing to pay them.
He's fighting them to the death.
Why would I owe money to a talent agency.
connect the users to customer support.
Meanwhile, barnes & noble unveiled a new nook that automatically throws itself into the garbage.
[laughter and applause.]
eating a lot of fish may not actually make people smarter.
And that makes sense when you consider which one of your friends is constantly saying, we should get sushi.
A 99--year-old woman in iowa And in a sheer face of optimism, she's looking at colleges.
A mixture of codeine and away a person's skin, you may know it by its street name, Red A filmmaker is claiming a nazis could contain a code for a to create an adventure.
way to avoid passing on genes children very early.
Now, if someone criticizes you for being a pregnant teen, you it.
his own take, comedian Bruce Chandling.
Tell us, how is it going? Why don't we talk about Iran? It's classic New York, right? You know what I love about New York? Do you have any idea? Any idea? You go to L.
A.
, it's different.
The pizza is all vegan, gluten speech will have the impact he hoped? It's not easy to do what he Getting up in front of people.
East side to west side, north side to south side, by the end of the day I end up cross eyed.
You got to get used to saying no a lot.
like, you have a lot on your mind right now.
Of course, everyone these days is so obsessed with CDs.
We have to wrap this up.
The Last Castle Wednesday, it's going to be me, Ronnie Donnyae, Donny Ronnieae jr.
survey.
The University of Phoenix online O.
J.
Simpson was accused of stealing cookies from That's sad, I feel so bad for him.
You feel bad for O.
J.
Yeah, he's been through so much.
Did you know Liz ex-wife was murdered? Yeah, I did know that.
cookie, right? We should move on.
No, don't say that.
A Minnesota man was shot in jumped into his boat accidentally setting off the weapon.
I say accidentally, but shortly Virginity" In which celebrities tell him about their first sexual experience.
Stamos will then tell the sexual experience.
Well, it's back to school time for families across America, here to comment on the new school year is our own Drunk [cheers and applause.]
Are you ready for some baseball? Actually, I think it's white sports -- And we're back.
year.
You know, when I was a kid, Seth, you know, there was no It was just chalkboard, shiny shoes, grease pencil, abacus, pantaloons.
Okay, you went to school until you were eight, and then you got some swiss chard on my roku? spicy pumpkins, and that Sophia Viagra.
Kids today they don't even know the value of a dollar, Seth.
[cheers and applause.]
The only blurred line I know is our border with Mexico.
You know you want it All right, Drunk Uncle, I think you're a little too drunk.
Yeah, I watch "Big Brother.
" So, I didn't win an Emmy, okay? [laughter.]
it? Is it the Sabbath? Because I'm supposed to watch Breaking Bad with my dumb sister's stupid kid.
Who is that? It's my meth nephew.
Let's go.
Calm down, Buddy, please.
Seth, meth, meth, Seth.
Seth, I got a knock knock joke for you.
No, I am the one who knock It's from the show.
You're watching "Cinema Classics" on PBS.
Good evening, I am Reese Tonight we look back at one of Forgotten not because it was bad, necessarily, but because it was made in the '40s and most of its original audience is dead.
This is not why I am here.
But if you were to force me to I mean, ask my wife.
She asked me to guess her weight and I said, "Just your ass or The year was 1940.
America craved glamour and "Unwanted Woman.
" Here is a famous scene starring Miriam Duprey and her leading Lelaine, where do you think you're going? You're here with me.
I'm here with me and me You told me you kind of loved Of me? And my past? Ha! Now, don't come any closer, please! done.
Everything is just perfect now.
Here's a little tid bit, did Turns out the director's unless he gave her brother a job.
Her brother was a mentally challenged taxidermist.
Here's a scene where Lelaine confronts her booze addict daughter played by Stephanie more of this Tom foolery.
mother? Are you about to lose your manners on me? Are you gonna kick me in the I'm going to slap the hell out of your dirty mouth! [crying.]
Because! And I wish I was dead.
Dead under the dirt.
baby.
That makes two of us.
I mean, three.
I personally love this movie.
where an acorn should be.
Fullbank's mistress pressured him to focus more on the taxidermied animals than the actors.
mistress was blackmailing the writer.
Enjoy.
Where is this raccoon taking us? I demand to know where you They're taking us to 53rd and Fifth.
the location of the best taxidermist in the city, Eugene his skill is unparalleled.
I love you mother for knowing that.
watching "Cinema Classics, and 248 pounds not including ass.
For everyone at Cinema Classics, Bye-Bye.
A couple years ago, I had a not brand new.
And I decided to tell you folks used car commercial.
Lots of firsts here, folks.
Here's the thing, though, I'm are thinking I maybe just a she's just about as bonkers as I am.
Take it from a couple crazy kooks like us.
You're not gonna get a better deal on a used Model T.
Right Daisy? my babies to the well.
Whoa! Keep it fun.
Hey, listen folks, you come on down and sign the papers.
in your pocket that day.
No cash at signing.
And we've got every brand there automobiles.
One of them took me to the electricity to fix my thoughts.
that, they can take you Hey, folks, you're not gonna find a better deal on these tin lizzies.
And these suckers are fully They have everything, seats.
Daisy, tell these folks about those crazy interest rates.
I smashed a mirror 'Cause I saw a woman in there that's crazy.
Daisy, don't make me put you back in the attic.
that's just where medicine is I think I killed that Navajo root cellar.
film.
Crazy Rick's Model Ts.
I dug up daddy, he's still Whoa, no! So, come on down.
Daisy.
And once again, Arcade Fire.
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh Afterlife what an awful world after all the breath and the dirt and the fires have burnt and after all this time after all the ambulances go and after all the hangers on have done hanging on of the afterglow I've gotta know if we scream and shout 'til we work it out can we just work out scream and shout 'til we work out 'til we work out 'til we work out Afterlife I think I saw what happens next like looking through a window a shallow sea are done hanging on in the dead light of the afterglow can we work it out if we scream and shout 'til we work it out can we just work out scream and shout 'til we work out but you said where does it go Oh, when love is gone where does it go where do we go where do we go and after this after all the bad advice that had nothing at all to do with life can we work it out 'til we work it out can we just work out scream and shout 'til we work out but you said Oh, when love is gone and you said Oh, when love is gone where does it go oh, when love is gone where do we go oh oh oh It's just an afterlife Esquisite.
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[laughter.]
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[laughter.]
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Aaron Paul.