Saturday Night Live (1975) s39e02 Episode Script
Miley Cyrus
1 All right.
We'll be safe here for the night.
Now, eat your raccoon meat.
Got to eat your raccoon meat, Marauders.
Tell me again, who was it that brought about the destruction of America? Most folks say it was a Others blame Obama care.
But I remember the exact day America ended, it was the 2013 Video Music Awards.
Yeah, I remember it like it was yesterday.
Miley you're on in five minutes.
Do you need more time to warm up? No, I think this performance is going to be less about the singing.
troubles began.
her? It's funny you should ask.
Because someone did.
And it was quite a strange someone indeed.
Oh, my God.
Who are you? What do you mean? I'm old you.
This is so weird, I think I'm hallucinating.
I must have smoked too much cigarettes.
Well, okay, if you're really every single morning when I wake up? Oh, my God, this is like totally the morning and the birds are chirping and stuff like that.
And I'm like super hungry and And I am obsessed with cereal.
[cheers and applause.]
See.
But why are you here, old Miley.
I came to warn you that your VMA performance may be controversial.
It was foretold to me by Kennedy's ghost.
Why would JFK care about my performance? No, it was the MTV veejay Kennedy.
And she might have been alive.
Just real low energy.
What's too scandalous? When are you going to put on your clothes for the show? These are my clothes.
If you go out there like that, they're going to put you in prison.
Like that guy.
Hey, what's up, kid, are you ready to start grabbing at my junk while I half-sing? Wait a second, aren't you married? Yeah, but my wife's okay with it, I think.
Great rehearsals with you earlier Teddy.
We shouldn't be doing this.
This is for kids.
Okay, I'll see you on stage.
Okay, why do you keep doing that thing with your tongue? I'm having tiny strokes, yo.
Well, regardless of what happens tonight, I got you a good luck present.
What is this? It's Miley, the American girl doll you keep singing about in all your songs.
Oh, Miley.
Check it out, Miley Cyrus.
Oh hey, Will Smith.
What's up, you know what? My family and I are so excited to see you perform tonight, you know, I just hope it's G-rated, you know what I'm saying? Even though my kids are the most hypermature teenagers in by anything remotely sexual, you know what I mean? you as a role model.
I understand that old me, but I'm only 20 years old, I need some freedom to grow up and make mistakes.
And no matter what happens, I promise I'll always be true to Miley Cyrus.
Well, that's all I can ask for.
And Miley? Yes, Miley? In the words of old Miley [piano playing.]
I miss you.
Sha-la-la-la-la.
We're both professional singers! Yep, that's how America ended.
Canada did great, though.
Bieber was a fair and generous ruler.
America sounds nice, Papa Joe.
It was.
And they say if you listen very closely, you can still hear both Miley's whispering.
Live from New York, it's Saturday Night! [cheers and applause.]
Night Live"! With Vanessa Bayer Aidy Bryant Seth Meyers Bobby Moynihan Nasim Pedrad Cecily Strong Kenan Thompson featuring Beck Bennett John Milhiser Kyle Mooney Noel Wells Brooks Wheelan Miley Cyrus! Ladies and gentlemen, Miley Cyrus.
[cheers and applause.]
Thank you.
In case anyone's concerned, there will be no twerking tonight.
I used to think twerking was cool, but now that white people are doing it it's kind of lame.
I know some of you saw me perform recently at the VMA's.
In case anyone missed, here is moments.
I got a lot of angry letters from angry mothers, turned on fathers.
I also got a complaint from the inventor of the giant foam finger.
But it's all right, I gave him tickets to tonight's show.
I don't apologize for my VMA performance.
If I owe anyone an apology, it's the people that make the bottom half of shirts.
There are a few subjects I'm not not going to do Hannah Montana, but I can give you an update on what she's been up to.
She's been murdered.
And guys I don't think we should My mom is here.
This summer Universal Studio's casted the film adaptation of "50 Shades of Grey.
" The search was exhaustive, and Hollywood's hottest stars read together to see who could bring the sexual chemistry of Anastasia Steele and Christian Grey to the big Here now, are the screen tests.
[beep.]
Seth Rogan and Emma Stone.
[laughter.]
Oh, my God, is that a whip? You're going to hit me with that thing? All right, I'm down with that.
Yeah, I love it, 'cause it hurts! [laughter.]
[beep.]
Scarlet Johansson and Christoph Waltz.
Miss Steele, thank you for indulging in my sexual perversions.
Of course, you're being more than fairly compensated.
I think that could be wonderful, actually.
I mean, yeah, sure.
Wunderbar, that's a bingo! [beep.]
We have Phillip Seymour Hoffman and I'm going to make love to you.
[laughter.]
And when I make love to you, which I will, I'm going to make [laughter.]
Is she asleep? Hello, little girl.
[laughter.]
[beep.]
Steve Harvey and Rebel Wilson.
[laughter.]
All right, now, Anesthesia, tickler and do yourself a favor and hang on tight.
Yeah.
Mr.
Harvey, can you stick to Well, the script don't make no sense, player.
What is this, v-va-gynal sex? People still do that? [laughter.]
I think Chester Cheetah and I go straight for the butt.
Yeah.
[laughter.]
Oh, you're a virgin then.
I'm going to dominate you.
I'm gonna -- you're going to be dominated.
[laughter.]
[laughter.]
What was that, the half man from "Two and a Half Men?" [laughter.]
[beep.]
Mary Louise Parker and Aziz Asari.
I'm gonna whip you, because I'm sexually dom-in-ant.
Up top! Is this guy a cartoon? Tilda Swinton and Tracy Morgan.
Why do you like to be touched? Because I'm 50 shades of messed up, Fanatasia.
[laughter.]
It's Anastasia.
Huh? Either way, me and David Bowie sucked.
[laughter.]
He isn't saying any of the lines.
Hey, wait a minute, you a woman? I would like to do the scene nude.
Would you like to see it nude? I would certainly prefer to do it nude as well.
[laughter.]
The character of course.
[beep.]
[chuckling.]
Oh, you hit me on my You want us to go at it? Yeah.
Cool, get ready girl.
I'll need half an hour on these buttons, playa.
Kristen Chenoeith and Shaquille O'Neal Tada! This aint gonna work.
Girlfriends talkin' about guys and stuff Girlfriends talkin' about cute guys and clothes Girlfriends Talk Show [cheers and applause.]
Hi, I'm Kyra for days.
We're BFFFR.
Best friends forever, for real.
Awesome.
Let's meet our guest.
I didn't know we were having any guests.
Awesome.
Welcome my best friend from school, little Teenie.
if a dog is going to the bathroom I turn my head.
Little Teenie, you rock.
What kind of name is that? Your name is Tara Arnold, and your family runs a Honda dealership.
It's a nickname Morgan.
Mine's Crazy K.
Didn't you have a nickname from the time you went to camp? Yeah, "Night Crier.
" [laughter.]
Awesome.
Little Teenie let's talk more about hip-hop club.
Yeah, in the hip-hop club we rimes.
Plus, our moderator is Mr.
Shanahan, is super cool.
He's 50 and he wears his headphones around his neck.
Even when he teaching gym, yo! Yeah! Awesome.
[laughter.]
I can't be in hip-hop club, because my mom's friend Donna is going through a pretty bad divorce.
So, every day we go over there her up a little bit.
I'm pretty much just another adult in the room.
Awesome.
Zeard, aces and deuces yizall.
Okay, first topic.
Nasty beats.
Basic magic.
Nasty beats.
Nasty beats? Yeah, little Teenie and I changed it.
Oh, when, when I was consoling a divorcee? It's better yo.
Magic be fake.
I'm about keeping it real.
When magic is real, that's when I'll get involved.
Zeard, deuces be acin'.
I guess we just like came in here with a plan, and then we just threw it in the garbage.
Awesome.
Little Teenie and I lay down a fat beat at the Apple Store yesterday.
Listen to this.
Best friends at the Apple Store Okay.
Well, I did a little something in my room that I'm a little proud of.
You dropped a fat beat? No.
I wrote a gorgeous song.
And it goes something like this.
My mom took me to the grocery store and everything was everything is spinning in my mind ooh-ho-ooh-he-ho.
Okay, let's move on to our I'm sorry, but I have one more round of hoo-he-hoos.
I think it's better if we move on.
Girl your voice is a treasure.
Oh, thank you Tara.
Yeah, a treasure that needs to stay buried, zazoo zeard.
Okay, I haven't seen this much deception since Donna showed me those letters from her ex-husband.
So, why don't you go ahead and roll back.
And go ahead and sit down G-dog.
What are you talking about? I don't know.
Okay, Morgan just chill out.
Let's do our last topic.
Number one hottie.
Cute school folders.
I like when a guy has his own ride, own bedroom and maybe a boost mobile burner.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! I love a guy who's in love with my confidence.
And he's a gentleman enough to treat me to a hearty steak salad.
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
[laughter.]
My boyfriend's older.
He lives in a high rise.
It's a loft with a panic room.
himself in the panic room and intercom.
Usually there's a pizza waiting for me and a high stool.
He likes me to stand on the stool and eat the whole pizza close to the security camera.
There are never any napkins.
My boyfriend's crazy.
And he donated 200 pizzas to the hip hop club.
And we had a pizza partay tay.
Wow, Donna, my mom and I would have loved some pizza.
Dang, all you do is hang with your mom and her sad friend Donna.
So, all you do is hang out and look cute with your cool served.
Okay.
Morgan, you're getting too heated.
Oh, hey little Teenie, how about we do a fist fight? No, I'm cray.
See you later.
Bye.
Girlfriend's Talk Show [cheers and applause.]
It's our party we can do what we want it's our party we can say what we want it's our party we can stop what we want we can do what we want we can do what we want to it's our party we can do what we want it's our party we can say what it's our party we can stop if we want we can vote how we want defund what we want red stages sweaty bodies everywhere bills in the house like we don't care it all down now no government around now if you're not ready for health care can I get a hell no keep it shut down D.
C.
is a post town all around so la-da-dee-da-dee Republican party reppin' GOP doin' whatever we want this is our house this is our rules and we did stop and we did stop shut that down.
Can you see we all the rights can't you see all the lights it's our party we can do what we want it's our party it's our party we can stop if we want we can vote how we want to my government workers on the furlough even though you're already paid low and if only God forget the haters somebody elected us everyone in line for early child care anyone who planned we are so shut down here getting so shut down yeah, yeah, yeah la-da-da-dee-da-dee Republican party repping GOP doing whatever we want this is our house this is our rules and we did stop the government.
And we did stop Can you see can't you see all the lights it's our party we can do what we want to it's our house it's our floor we can say what we want to sorry IRS we can do what we want we can say what we want to too bad astronaut Simply put, it wasn't a good week for TV show's based on Hillary Clinton.
On Monday, NBC announced it was scrapping their controversial Hillary miniseries.
And CNN has cancelled it's planned Tonight, I, you, we, us take a closer look on "Piers Morgan Live.
" Good evening, I'm Piers Morgan.
And if I was a cartoon, I would be the voice of a fancy hedgehog.
Joining me now in the studio from the Huffington Post, Ariana It is great to be here.
Ariana, NBC is out, CNN is out.
Is it safe to say we've seen the end of Hillary Clinton bio pics? Absolutely not.
NBC and CNN were not the only networks with Clinton projects.
And many are still moving a clip of their new Hillary miniseries which they claim is completely unbiassed.
It's called "Hillary Clinton Cold Mean Woman.
" [laughter.]
here? We shouldn't be here, neither of us work at the White House any more.
Shut up, Bill.
[slap.]
I can do whatever I want.
I'm above the law.
What are we doing here? I told you, we need to find and destroy the Benghazi files.
Rush Limbaugh is getting much too close to the truth.
It turns me on when you deceive the American public.
Then you must be turned on 24/7.
Oh, look my bong from the '90s is still here.
I missed you saxabong.
Pretty scintillating material there.
That is nothing compared to AMC's new series "Running Rodham.
" it casts Hillary as a complicated anti-hero.
Let's take a look.
I -- well, no, I haven't seen Hillary in months.
She's not Secretary of State any more.
Sure, I'll let you know if I see her.
Good-bye.
You have five minutes.
Hello, Barack.
Hello, Hillary.
I just wanted to let you know I'm running for president in And you know why? If I have to hear one more time you're doing it for women.
I'm doing it for me.
Because I like it.
Because I'm good at it.
Because it makes me feel alive.
You've changed, Hillary.
I'm not Hillary any more.
I'm Heisenhower.
You know, Hillary is clearly the bad guy in that one.
But I cannot help but root for her.
I feel the same way.
Now, are there other Clinton shows in the works? Of course, there are, my little cheese doodle.
talking lawyer in their miniseries "Clinton & Bash.
" ABC Family is set to premiere a "Pretty Little Liars" inspired show called "Naughty Little Clintons.
" and TLC is debuting, "Say Yes to the Pant Suit.
" But probably the most interesting miniseries is MTV, which focuses completely on Hillary and Obama's friendship.
Here's a clip from H20 with Barack Obama as played by MTV Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo I'm President Obama coming to you live from my house, yo.
Hey, where's my girl, Hillary Clinton.
What up, y'all, I'm like Hillary Clinton and I want to be president one day to help like gay people and black people and and see them all lezzing out together.
2016, y'all.
Tell me, how do the Clintons feel about that one? You know, Piers, they actually really love that one.
Okay.
When we come back, my English accent is gone.
And I admit I'm just a village idiot from Ohio.
We'll see you after the break.
Ladies and gentlemen, Miley Cyrus.
[cheers and applause.]
We claw, we chained our hearts in vain we jumped we kissed I fell under your spell a love no one could deny I just walked away I will always want you running for my life I will always want you I came in like I never hit so hard in love all I wanted was all you ever did yeah, you, you wreck me I put you high up in the sky and now you're not coming down it slowly turned you let me burn and now we're ashes on the ground don't you ever say I just walked away I can't live a lie I came in like I never hit so hard in love all I wanted was all you ever did was wreck me I came in like yeah, I just closed my eyes and swung left me crashing in a blazing fall all you ever did was wreck me yeah, you, you wreck me I never meant I just wanted you to let me in and instead of using force I guess I should've let you win I never meant to start a war I just wanted you to let me in I guess I should've let you win don't you ever say I will always want you I came in like a wrecking ball in love all I wanted was to all you ever did was wreck me I came in like yeah, I just closed left me crashing in a blazing fall all you ever did was wreck me yeah, you, you wreck me [cheers and applause.]
Weekend Update with Seth Myers and Cecily Strong.
Hey, I'm Seth Myers.
I'm Cecily Strong.
Here are tonight's top stories.
Congress this week failed to The first since 1995.
So basically the government gets a TV show.
[laughter.]
Because of the government shutdown, the U.
S.
air force academy in Colorado is facing a toilet paper shortage, giving new meaning to the phrase, you got a bogey on your tail.
In an interview this week, Iran's president said the aide.
The sure signed they are embracing Western sarcasm.
A man in Canada was arrested pound of marijuana on a bus, then went back to the bus station asking about the bag.
One thing's for sure, that's good weed.
Washington.
To help you understand it all, it's time for Winners and Losers.
Loser, John Boehner.
I feel sorry for you, buddy.
to maintain your dignity while wrangling their Tea Party maniacs.
You're like Seinfeld if there were 30 Kramers.
Winners, the Tea Party.
It's also nice to see a vocal minority get their way.
You're like the naked lunatic who gets their own subway car.
So congrats on soiling yourself into power.
Loser, GOP, a new Fox News poll shows the disapproval of the Republican party during the shutdown has jumped to 59%.
And that's a Fox News poll.
Talk about getting booed on your home field.
If Fox News says it's 59%, that's like the real news saying it's 3,000%.
Loser the Obama care website.
You can't campaign on the fact that millions don't have health care and then be surprised that health care.
offguard? That's like 1-800-flowers getting caught offguard by Valentine's Day.
Winner, Canada.
Senator Ted Cruz, a Canadian, shut down the U.
S.
government.
Well played Canada.
Winner, teenaged hormones.
With all the national monuments closed, I'm guessing kids on D.
C.
field trips right now are spending their time back at the hotel just going to town on each other.
Finally, winner, Nick Cage, hey, Nick, nobody's guarding the Smithsonian.
This has been Winners and Losers.
Ray Parker, Jr.
Has filed a lawsuit saying he's owed millions of dollars in royalties for the Ghostbusters theme song.
And maybe he is, but he had 30 years to write a second song.
Firefighters rescued a boa constrictor from a burning building.
a gas can.
Mia Farrow admitted her son may have been fathered by Frank Sinatra.
Wow she really doesn't have a Many have criticized Grand Theft Auto as being violent and dangerous.
With her review, Pat Lynhart a mother from Connecticut.
Have you played Grand Theft Auto? I have.
I have played it, I've been playing it all week.
And I love it.
Do you know how amazing this game is.
Last week I was reading the Paris Wife with my book club.
This week I had sex with over 3,000 prostitutes.
I am invincible.
You're not worried about the violence in this game at all? Worried about -- no, if set me free, Cecily.
I am no longer Pat Lynhart mother of three, I am Lester Crest and I eat cocaine for breakfast.
I was supposed to run the car pool yesterday.
I shot a stripper in the boob for sport.
I am a God.
Well, what do your children the game.
I think they think, we better step back, mom's a Latino war lord now.
The other day, my husband said your sons are bleeding and there's no more food in the I said, "Then go to the store whore.
" The Pat you know is dead.
I didn't really know you.
She will never again return to Hartford, for she is now a full time resident of Los Santo.
My motto used to be hug someone and make an angel smile.
shot dead.
dead.
That seems like a truly terrible message to send to today's youth.
The only message I have is to Wade Chang of the Triad gang.
Harold "Stretch" Jackson told me about your little power play.
20 dead prostitutes to my doorstep by dawn tomorrow, so help me God, I will feed your Chinese bones to a rottweiler.
Okay.
A great heads up for Wade Chang.
I'm afraid to ask, Pat, but do you have any other gaming recommendations? Is that Candy Crush on the But I haven't switched to iOS 7 yet, I'm too afraid.
Pat Lynhart, everyone.
An elementary school in Florida has suspended an 8-year-old boy after he pointed his finger and pretended it was a gun.
How else was he supposed to tell his teacher she's looking good.
Women who deal with a great deal of stress in middle age are more likely to develop Alzheimer's later in life.
Every woman in the world will get Alzheimer's disease.
Police in Georgia are searching for thieves who stole $40,000 worth of jewelry from diners at a waffle house.
they showed up the very night It's week five of the NFL season, which has brought us a always outspoken, Shannon Sharpe.
Thank you.
It is positively a pleasure to be here.
Hi, Shannon, it's been a rough start for football fans in New York.
The Giants are 0-4.
What do you think is going on with that team.
At this moment, currently, the Giants are the worst team in 50 years.
Let me put it this way, let me put it this way, I have a better chance of winning Miss New winning the Super Bowl.
statement.
You know, many are saying this is the year of the quarterback in the NFL, you have a lot of emerging stars in the position.
RG3, Russell Wilson and Colin -- Kaepernick.
Kaepernick.
So Colin Kaepernick's team 2-2, despite going to the Super Bowl last year.
Do you think he's as good as he was last year? Absolutely.
He's one of the best quarterbacks ever, he can throw, he can run, he can tackle, he can paint.
That is very complimentary.
Do you think he can get his team back to the Super Bowl.
Listen -- oh, they're going to the Super Bowl.
They're going to the Super Bowl.
much easier for me to tie my legs behind me head, enter a marathon, and run that marathon running on a bare butt cheeks than Colin Kaepernick not to go to the Super Bowl.
You're the expert.
I'll take your word on it.
Let's talk about a more serious issue.
The crackdown on violence in the NFL.
Yeah.
Seems like there are more fines being given for hard hits, Ndamukong Suh.
Spelled just like the Japanese celebrity N Donkey Kong.
Now, Ndamukong Suh has been fined $100,000 for hits in the Do you think that's excessive? It's a kiss on the wrist for Ndamukong of a penalty.
I think the two of us sharing breath, the NFL should burn his house down.
Oh, come on.
Seth, Seth, Seth, Seth, Seth, Seth.
Please.
It would be easier for me to have a baby, and that baby be a walrus.
Okay.
And I raise that walrus to walk and ride a bike.
I'm still with you.
And that walrus to win the tour de France, than Ndamukong Suh to care about 100 grand.
Very good.
Shannon Sharpe, everybody.
Police in Canada arrested a man who claimed to be his own sovereign nation and called his duplex his embassy.
detained after he kept pooping on his neighbor's lawn.
A California man is filing a lawsuit against Sprint alleging son contained pornographic pictures of the sales person.
Said his son, ooh gross, Sprint? your ex's porn.
A man broke into a woman's house and sat by the pool wearing her bathing suit and Said the terrified woman, did it A man who calls himself dread pirate Roberts, and everyone else calls dork scarface is selling drugs on a website.
Counted among the one third of Jews that do belong to a synagogue is a podiatrist's son Jacob.
plantar fascitis.
Tell me what you've been up to.
And since my bubby was over we acted like we celebrated every week.
Was it fun celebrating with your bubby? the Hebrew word shabatz.
It's the traditional day of rest lasting from sundown Friday to sundown Saturday.
I mean, I've heard of recess, but this is ridiculous.
I know I always tell you this, you don't have to make a rehearsed speech like you did at your bar mitzvah, we can just talk like a couple buddies.
The reason we observe the sabbath dates back to when God And on the second day, he said, let there be Derek Jeters and the New York Yankees.
So you really like the Yankees, Jacob? On the third through sixth days, God created many more things, such as the sun, the moon, the fish and the birds, land animals and finally, humans.
Which may or may not include my brother Ethan.
But seriously, Ethan.
Even though you won't let me use your hair gel, you always know how do make me laugh, even at temple services.
That's nice you get along with your brother, because, you too.
On the seventh day, God rested for the whole day.
is ridiculous.
Jacob, I think you used that one already.
No -- Jacob, that's Cecily, she's meet you.
Really rattled him.
In conclusion, today I am a man.
Moving forward as an adult, in the Jewish community, I promise to fulfill the following commitments.
study Torah, and some day visit Israel, even though I have My boy Jacob, everyone.
Good night.
Come on, you guys, can we Un-kay? Can we do that? Regionals are next week.
Amber, I've been throwing these girls around all day, my deltoids are aching, you're a slave driver.
I'm a motivator, a slave Whatevs.
Now, line up so we can work on role call.
Someone give me a beat, un-kay? Okay, I'll push on this boom box so we know where that's coming from.
Un-kay.
Come on, guys, let's see that spirit.
And I want to see sharp movements.
I'll start.
I'm a cutie I have a brain and a sweet bootie Sharla and if you want me just say hey Sharla My name is Debbie I'm almost back My name is Ashley I like to jam what is that what is that? Is that a spaceship what is that light? Come on, guys, focus, don't just say what is that light.
Her shoes are here and smoking.
Un-kay, here's what I think Ashley is a lazy weirdo who is weird.
If she can't stick around for the whole rehearsal she is off the team.
We're better off without her.
Now, let's pick it up from there, un-kay? But she just disappeared.
I said, un-kay.
Now, go.
My name is Bill I am a boy I like to cheer deal with it Dad My name's Dakota not like Fanning my name is Flanning Dakota Flanning My name is Jodi I'm super hot I'm rising I'm rising And so am I I'm risiing with her.
Oh my God.
Stop you two, if you can't stop rising, then you're off the team.
They're gone.
They're my best friends.
I'm frightened.
Oh, my God, look, an alien is Well, that is not un-kay.
What do you want from us? We're simple cheerleaders.
Let me introduce myself.
My name is Zorban.
Wait, hang on.
Can you do it to the beat? That's how we introduce ourselves.
Un-kay.
My name is Zorban I come from Gleeta 1457 I took your friends but they are fine they will be back by dinnertime He's got it.
Sharpen those movements.
There's just one thing I have moon Excuse me, you're taking our moon? Don't talk back.
Don't be alarmed just need Okay, guys, we're ready to shoot this week's promos, let's Morning, guys.
Is it? Is it a good morning? Could we just get this over with, please? Okay.
We have prompter and we're rolling in 3, 2 -- Miami Monday is Miami fun day.
The incomparable Tiki Barber is in studio to talk about his cookbook and life in general.
Who makes the best curling iron.
The answer may surprise you.
I'm Yolanda.
And I'm Jill.
And I'm B.
F.
, join us Monday And we're clear.
[laughter.]
Okay, Tuesday's promo is up, names this time.
And we're ready to roll in 3, 2, Morning Miami.
This Tuesday is shoesday and we're pumping you full of pumps.
Jeff Dunham's puppets are in studio, Jeff Dunham is not.
We'll find out how funny those puppets really are.
And are ghosts real? Turns out no.
Here to talk about it is actor Topher Grace.
I'm Yolanda.
I'm Jill.
And I'm B.
F.
Join us Tuesday on Morning Miami.
And we're clear.
[laughter.]
Okay, Wednesday's up, and remember, guys, full names.
3, 2 -- Morning Miami.
Get on your camels or your significant others because it's hump day.
Then it's a bird, it's a plane, it's an ugly rabbit? The worst looking rabbits in the state of Florida strut their stuff.
contest.
And the cast of the highest rated cable show "Duck Dynasty" is here to talk about how the it's quacked up to be.
I'm Yolanda.
And I'm B.
F.
Join us Wednesday on Morning, Miami.
And we're clear.
[laughter.]
Oh, shut it.
Shut it up.
Okay, guys, no show on Thursday.
Because it's a leap week.
Friday's promo is up, full names.
And we are on in 3, 2 -- Morning, Miami.
Friday is rye day.
What can you put between two pieces of rye bread? The answer may turn you on.
Then, he's a helicopter, he's a machine gun, he's a bigot.
Racist artist Bill Sphinx is here to make funny sounds and awful comments.
He can throw a 90 mile per hour fastball, but get this, he's only 1-year-old.
Denny Baker is in studio.
I'm Yolanda Natalie Portman.
I'm Jilla Mockingbird.
And I'm Bitch Fantastic.
Join us on Morning, Miami.
Once again, Miley Cyrus.
[cheers and applause.]
Red cups and sweaty bodies everywhere hands in the air like we don't care 'cause we came to have so much fun now bet somebody here might get some now if you're not ready to go home 'cause we're gonna go all night 'til we see the sunlight all right we like to party dancing with Molly doing whatever we want this is our house this is our rules we can't stop and we won't stop can't you see it's we who own the night can't you see it's we who 'bout that life and we won't stop 'cause we run things things don't run we we don't take nothing from nobody yeah, yeah to my home girls here with the big butt shaking it like we at a strip club remember only God can judge us forget the haters 'cause somebody loves ya everyone in line in the bathroom trying to get a line in the bathroom we all so turned up here getting turned up, yeah yeah, yeah, yeah la da di da di we like to party doing whatever we want this is our house this is our rules and we won't stop can't you see it's we who own the night can't you see it's we who 'bout that life and we can't stop and we won't stop 'cause we run things things don't run we we don't take nothing from nobody yeah, yeah we can do what we want to it's our house we can love who we want to it's our song we can sing if we want to it's my mouth yeah, yeah, oh we run things things don't run we we don't take nothing yeah, yeah oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah do what we want we can do what we want to [bell ringing.]
Settle.
Settle.
Hey! I hope you all remembered your homework was to write some poems.
Well, here's a nice surprise.
I won't be teaching you today.
Cue applause.
Yes, that's right.
I've got a job interview thank Christ.
So we've got a poetry specialist from the Newberry writing workshop.
Say hello to Miss Meadows.
Hello.
Thank you.
Thanks, you guys.
Okay, all right.
Let me ask you a question, okay? you think of poetry, okay? Boring? Right? Study? Homework? Guess what, poetry can be pretty cool.
In our class, you can write poems about anything you want, okay? You can write poems about boys, your first kiss.
You know what I'm saying? Dancing with a boy.
[muttering.]
Hey, you, what's something you would like to write about? Grand Theft Auto.
I like butts.
Guess what.
That's awesome.
Oh! Guys, I get it, okay? I was a hip teen once, too.
All right, I went out on the town.
Hey, you, what did you do this past Friday night? Me? Well, I got paid to hollow out cigarettes.
Yeah, been there before.
What about you? I filmed a bunch of bugs Okay, I'm going to read one of my favorite poems.
It's called "Winter Treat.
" Hey, hey.
Sticky sweet sugar on my tongue.
my nose.
[muttering.]
Can't wait for the next cup.
Oh! Who else wrote a poem? I did.
This is called the yearbook committee.
The yearbook committee can suck They are no good.
Y'all want to laugh at me because I had a nip slip at a pep rally? Joke's on you.
It was a big old mole.
Okay.
Okay.
That was a great job.
Oh, let's move on to haiku's, okay? What do you think of when you think of haiku's.
Boring.
Right? Nonsense.
Okay? Too much work? [muttering.]
Guess what.
Haiku's can be pretty fun.
Oh! Because they're short, first of all.
They're five syllables, then seven and then five.
Okay, you might say that haiku's were the first tweets.
Oh! So who wrote a haiku? Yes, you.
Yeah, my haiku is called, Hey, where my weed at? Oh, y'all gon' be like that? Damn.
Why y'all quiet? Intriguing.
Yeah.
I'm curious to see if the Yeah, me too.
Okay.
Does anyone else have a poem? I do.
I wrote this just now.
It's called "The Flower.
" hey, hey.
A flower bloomed in school today.
A blonde flower that made my heart stop.
Oh.
today, who smelled like herbal tea and cough drops.
[coughs.]
Oh.
I used to be an angry weed, but now my lust has bloomed.
I used to think I was straight, but maybe I'm just gay for flowers -- oh! Hey, hey, hey! Hey, hey, oh! Is everything okay in here -- you know what? Actually, I have to be going.
But, if you guys have learned anything today, I hope it's that poetry can be pretty fun.
Okay? Okay, we're recording.
Okay.
Oh, my God.
Miley Cyrus, she's crazy.
She wants to have sex with me in Sounds great, Kyle, get back in there.
Do you have any idea how freakish she's willing to get? Any position you want.
each other and practically finish each other's -- sentences.
What are you doing out here? Go have sex with her.
She's about to pour water on her sexy clothes for the wet T-shirt contest.
And I've been named the She wanted me to ask if you would be judges.
But I thought, that's so much pressure to put on my friends.
No, we would love to do it.
She's been trying to give me tickets to every concert.
She gave you tickets to all of her concerts? No, All of the concerts of any music.
I can't go to all of them, so I have to give them to my friends.
That's great.
What are you doing, you're blowing your only chance to have sex with Miley Cyrus.
I hope you don't mind I rearranged things a bit.
Is that my older brother? Hey, bro, you want to play What's going on, are we going to have sex right now and whenever you want for the rest of your life? I don't know.
I'm trying to figure it out.
Please, like be respectful.
Don't you see what's happening here? Yeah, the perfect girl is behind that door waiting to do What's the problem? I don't know, maybe the fact that she's 100 years old.
What? She's like 20.
I thought she was 100.
How old are we? 500 and 600.
Does that make sense to you? Kyle, this is ridiculous, please, just go have sex with her.
Okay.
I'm going to do it.
Here goes nothing.
She's having sex with my older brother.
Miley Cyrus is having sex with my older brother.
Dang, Ricky's so lucky.
Thank you, guys so much for having me this week.
Good night, everybody.
[cheers and applause.]
We'll be safe here for the night.
Now, eat your raccoon meat.
Got to eat your raccoon meat, Marauders.
Tell me again, who was it that brought about the destruction of America? Most folks say it was a Others blame Obama care.
But I remember the exact day America ended, it was the 2013 Video Music Awards.
Yeah, I remember it like it was yesterday.
Miley you're on in five minutes.
Do you need more time to warm up? No, I think this performance is going to be less about the singing.
troubles began.
her? It's funny you should ask.
Because someone did.
And it was quite a strange someone indeed.
Oh, my God.
Who are you? What do you mean? I'm old you.
This is so weird, I think I'm hallucinating.
I must have smoked too much cigarettes.
Well, okay, if you're really every single morning when I wake up? Oh, my God, this is like totally the morning and the birds are chirping and stuff like that.
And I'm like super hungry and And I am obsessed with cereal.
[cheers and applause.]
See.
But why are you here, old Miley.
I came to warn you that your VMA performance may be controversial.
It was foretold to me by Kennedy's ghost.
Why would JFK care about my performance? No, it was the MTV veejay Kennedy.
And she might have been alive.
Just real low energy.
What's too scandalous? When are you going to put on your clothes for the show? These are my clothes.
If you go out there like that, they're going to put you in prison.
Like that guy.
Hey, what's up, kid, are you ready to start grabbing at my junk while I half-sing? Wait a second, aren't you married? Yeah, but my wife's okay with it, I think.
Great rehearsals with you earlier Teddy.
We shouldn't be doing this.
This is for kids.
Okay, I'll see you on stage.
Okay, why do you keep doing that thing with your tongue? I'm having tiny strokes, yo.
Well, regardless of what happens tonight, I got you a good luck present.
What is this? It's Miley, the American girl doll you keep singing about in all your songs.
Oh, Miley.
Check it out, Miley Cyrus.
Oh hey, Will Smith.
What's up, you know what? My family and I are so excited to see you perform tonight, you know, I just hope it's G-rated, you know what I'm saying? Even though my kids are the most hypermature teenagers in by anything remotely sexual, you know what I mean? you as a role model.
I understand that old me, but I'm only 20 years old, I need some freedom to grow up and make mistakes.
And no matter what happens, I promise I'll always be true to Miley Cyrus.
Well, that's all I can ask for.
And Miley? Yes, Miley? In the words of old Miley [piano playing.]
I miss you.
Sha-la-la-la-la.
We're both professional singers! Yep, that's how America ended.
Canada did great, though.
Bieber was a fair and generous ruler.
America sounds nice, Papa Joe.
It was.
And they say if you listen very closely, you can still hear both Miley's whispering.
Live from New York, it's Saturday Night! [cheers and applause.]
Night Live"! With Vanessa Bayer Aidy Bryant Seth Meyers Bobby Moynihan Nasim Pedrad Cecily Strong Kenan Thompson featuring Beck Bennett John Milhiser Kyle Mooney Noel Wells Brooks Wheelan Miley Cyrus! Ladies and gentlemen, Miley Cyrus.
[cheers and applause.]
Thank you.
In case anyone's concerned, there will be no twerking tonight.
I used to think twerking was cool, but now that white people are doing it it's kind of lame.
I know some of you saw me perform recently at the VMA's.
In case anyone missed, here is moments.
I got a lot of angry letters from angry mothers, turned on fathers.
I also got a complaint from the inventor of the giant foam finger.
But it's all right, I gave him tickets to tonight's show.
I don't apologize for my VMA performance.
If I owe anyone an apology, it's the people that make the bottom half of shirts.
There are a few subjects I'm not not going to do Hannah Montana, but I can give you an update on what she's been up to.
She's been murdered.
And guys I don't think we should My mom is here.
This summer Universal Studio's casted the film adaptation of "50 Shades of Grey.
" The search was exhaustive, and Hollywood's hottest stars read together to see who could bring the sexual chemistry of Anastasia Steele and Christian Grey to the big Here now, are the screen tests.
[beep.]
Seth Rogan and Emma Stone.
[laughter.]
Oh, my God, is that a whip? You're going to hit me with that thing? All right, I'm down with that.
Yeah, I love it, 'cause it hurts! [laughter.]
[beep.]
Scarlet Johansson and Christoph Waltz.
Miss Steele, thank you for indulging in my sexual perversions.
Of course, you're being more than fairly compensated.
I think that could be wonderful, actually.
I mean, yeah, sure.
Wunderbar, that's a bingo! [beep.]
We have Phillip Seymour Hoffman and I'm going to make love to you.
[laughter.]
And when I make love to you, which I will, I'm going to make [laughter.]
Is she asleep? Hello, little girl.
[laughter.]
[beep.]
Steve Harvey and Rebel Wilson.
[laughter.]
All right, now, Anesthesia, tickler and do yourself a favor and hang on tight.
Yeah.
Mr.
Harvey, can you stick to Well, the script don't make no sense, player.
What is this, v-va-gynal sex? People still do that? [laughter.]
I think Chester Cheetah and I go straight for the butt.
Yeah.
[laughter.]
Oh, you're a virgin then.
I'm going to dominate you.
I'm gonna -- you're going to be dominated.
[laughter.]
[laughter.]
What was that, the half man from "Two and a Half Men?" [laughter.]
[beep.]
Mary Louise Parker and Aziz Asari.
I'm gonna whip you, because I'm sexually dom-in-ant.
Up top! Is this guy a cartoon? Tilda Swinton and Tracy Morgan.
Why do you like to be touched? Because I'm 50 shades of messed up, Fanatasia.
[laughter.]
It's Anastasia.
Huh? Either way, me and David Bowie sucked.
[laughter.]
He isn't saying any of the lines.
Hey, wait a minute, you a woman? I would like to do the scene nude.
Would you like to see it nude? I would certainly prefer to do it nude as well.
[laughter.]
The character of course.
[beep.]
[chuckling.]
Oh, you hit me on my You want us to go at it? Yeah.
Cool, get ready girl.
I'll need half an hour on these buttons, playa.
Kristen Chenoeith and Shaquille O'Neal Tada! This aint gonna work.
Girlfriends talkin' about guys and stuff Girlfriends talkin' about cute guys and clothes Girlfriends Talk Show [cheers and applause.]
Hi, I'm Kyra for days.
We're BFFFR.
Best friends forever, for real.
Awesome.
Let's meet our guest.
I didn't know we were having any guests.
Awesome.
Welcome my best friend from school, little Teenie.
if a dog is going to the bathroom I turn my head.
Little Teenie, you rock.
What kind of name is that? Your name is Tara Arnold, and your family runs a Honda dealership.
It's a nickname Morgan.
Mine's Crazy K.
Didn't you have a nickname from the time you went to camp? Yeah, "Night Crier.
" [laughter.]
Awesome.
Little Teenie let's talk more about hip-hop club.
Yeah, in the hip-hop club we rimes.
Plus, our moderator is Mr.
Shanahan, is super cool.
He's 50 and he wears his headphones around his neck.
Even when he teaching gym, yo! Yeah! Awesome.
[laughter.]
I can't be in hip-hop club, because my mom's friend Donna is going through a pretty bad divorce.
So, every day we go over there her up a little bit.
I'm pretty much just another adult in the room.
Awesome.
Zeard, aces and deuces yizall.
Okay, first topic.
Nasty beats.
Basic magic.
Nasty beats.
Nasty beats? Yeah, little Teenie and I changed it.
Oh, when, when I was consoling a divorcee? It's better yo.
Magic be fake.
I'm about keeping it real.
When magic is real, that's when I'll get involved.
Zeard, deuces be acin'.
I guess we just like came in here with a plan, and then we just threw it in the garbage.
Awesome.
Little Teenie and I lay down a fat beat at the Apple Store yesterday.
Listen to this.
Best friends at the Apple Store Okay.
Well, I did a little something in my room that I'm a little proud of.
You dropped a fat beat? No.
I wrote a gorgeous song.
And it goes something like this.
My mom took me to the grocery store and everything was everything is spinning in my mind ooh-ho-ooh-he-ho.
Okay, let's move on to our I'm sorry, but I have one more round of hoo-he-hoos.
I think it's better if we move on.
Girl your voice is a treasure.
Oh, thank you Tara.
Yeah, a treasure that needs to stay buried, zazoo zeard.
Okay, I haven't seen this much deception since Donna showed me those letters from her ex-husband.
So, why don't you go ahead and roll back.
And go ahead and sit down G-dog.
What are you talking about? I don't know.
Okay, Morgan just chill out.
Let's do our last topic.
Number one hottie.
Cute school folders.
I like when a guy has his own ride, own bedroom and maybe a boost mobile burner.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! I love a guy who's in love with my confidence.
And he's a gentleman enough to treat me to a hearty steak salad.
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
[laughter.]
My boyfriend's older.
He lives in a high rise.
It's a loft with a panic room.
himself in the panic room and intercom.
Usually there's a pizza waiting for me and a high stool.
He likes me to stand on the stool and eat the whole pizza close to the security camera.
There are never any napkins.
My boyfriend's crazy.
And he donated 200 pizzas to the hip hop club.
And we had a pizza partay tay.
Wow, Donna, my mom and I would have loved some pizza.
Dang, all you do is hang with your mom and her sad friend Donna.
So, all you do is hang out and look cute with your cool served.
Okay.
Morgan, you're getting too heated.
Oh, hey little Teenie, how about we do a fist fight? No, I'm cray.
See you later.
Bye.
Girlfriend's Talk Show [cheers and applause.]
It's our party we can do what we want it's our party we can say what we want it's our party we can stop what we want we can do what we want we can do what we want to it's our party we can do what we want it's our party we can say what it's our party we can stop if we want we can vote how we want defund what we want red stages sweaty bodies everywhere bills in the house like we don't care it all down now no government around now if you're not ready for health care can I get a hell no keep it shut down D.
C.
is a post town all around so la-da-dee-da-dee Republican party reppin' GOP doin' whatever we want this is our house this is our rules and we did stop and we did stop shut that down.
Can you see we all the rights can't you see all the lights it's our party we can do what we want it's our party it's our party we can stop if we want we can vote how we want to my government workers on the furlough even though you're already paid low and if only God forget the haters somebody elected us everyone in line for early child care anyone who planned we are so shut down here getting so shut down yeah, yeah, yeah la-da-da-dee-da-dee Republican party repping GOP doing whatever we want this is our house this is our rules and we did stop the government.
And we did stop Can you see can't you see all the lights it's our party we can do what we want to it's our house it's our floor we can say what we want to sorry IRS we can do what we want we can say what we want to too bad astronaut Simply put, it wasn't a good week for TV show's based on Hillary Clinton.
On Monday, NBC announced it was scrapping their controversial Hillary miniseries.
And CNN has cancelled it's planned Tonight, I, you, we, us take a closer look on "Piers Morgan Live.
" Good evening, I'm Piers Morgan.
And if I was a cartoon, I would be the voice of a fancy hedgehog.
Joining me now in the studio from the Huffington Post, Ariana It is great to be here.
Ariana, NBC is out, CNN is out.
Is it safe to say we've seen the end of Hillary Clinton bio pics? Absolutely not.
NBC and CNN were not the only networks with Clinton projects.
And many are still moving a clip of their new Hillary miniseries which they claim is completely unbiassed.
It's called "Hillary Clinton Cold Mean Woman.
" [laughter.]
here? We shouldn't be here, neither of us work at the White House any more.
Shut up, Bill.
[slap.]
I can do whatever I want.
I'm above the law.
What are we doing here? I told you, we need to find and destroy the Benghazi files.
Rush Limbaugh is getting much too close to the truth.
It turns me on when you deceive the American public.
Then you must be turned on 24/7.
Oh, look my bong from the '90s is still here.
I missed you saxabong.
Pretty scintillating material there.
That is nothing compared to AMC's new series "Running Rodham.
" it casts Hillary as a complicated anti-hero.
Let's take a look.
I -- well, no, I haven't seen Hillary in months.
She's not Secretary of State any more.
Sure, I'll let you know if I see her.
Good-bye.
You have five minutes.
Hello, Barack.
Hello, Hillary.
I just wanted to let you know I'm running for president in And you know why? If I have to hear one more time you're doing it for women.
I'm doing it for me.
Because I like it.
Because I'm good at it.
Because it makes me feel alive.
You've changed, Hillary.
I'm not Hillary any more.
I'm Heisenhower.
You know, Hillary is clearly the bad guy in that one.
But I cannot help but root for her.
I feel the same way.
Now, are there other Clinton shows in the works? Of course, there are, my little cheese doodle.
talking lawyer in their miniseries "Clinton & Bash.
" ABC Family is set to premiere a "Pretty Little Liars" inspired show called "Naughty Little Clintons.
" and TLC is debuting, "Say Yes to the Pant Suit.
" But probably the most interesting miniseries is MTV, which focuses completely on Hillary and Obama's friendship.
Here's a clip from H20 with Barack Obama as played by MTV Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo I'm President Obama coming to you live from my house, yo.
Hey, where's my girl, Hillary Clinton.
What up, y'all, I'm like Hillary Clinton and I want to be president one day to help like gay people and black people and and see them all lezzing out together.
2016, y'all.
Tell me, how do the Clintons feel about that one? You know, Piers, they actually really love that one.
Okay.
When we come back, my English accent is gone.
And I admit I'm just a village idiot from Ohio.
We'll see you after the break.
Ladies and gentlemen, Miley Cyrus.
[cheers and applause.]
We claw, we chained our hearts in vain we jumped we kissed I fell under your spell a love no one could deny I just walked away I will always want you running for my life I will always want you I came in like I never hit so hard in love all I wanted was all you ever did yeah, you, you wreck me I put you high up in the sky and now you're not coming down it slowly turned you let me burn and now we're ashes on the ground don't you ever say I just walked away I can't live a lie I came in like I never hit so hard in love all I wanted was all you ever did was wreck me I came in like yeah, I just closed my eyes and swung left me crashing in a blazing fall all you ever did was wreck me yeah, you, you wreck me I never meant I just wanted you to let me in and instead of using force I guess I should've let you win I never meant to start a war I just wanted you to let me in I guess I should've let you win don't you ever say I will always want you I came in like a wrecking ball in love all I wanted was to all you ever did was wreck me I came in like yeah, I just closed left me crashing in a blazing fall all you ever did was wreck me yeah, you, you wreck me [cheers and applause.]
Weekend Update with Seth Myers and Cecily Strong.
Hey, I'm Seth Myers.
I'm Cecily Strong.
Here are tonight's top stories.
Congress this week failed to The first since 1995.
So basically the government gets a TV show.
[laughter.]
Because of the government shutdown, the U.
S.
air force academy in Colorado is facing a toilet paper shortage, giving new meaning to the phrase, you got a bogey on your tail.
In an interview this week, Iran's president said the aide.
The sure signed they are embracing Western sarcasm.
A man in Canada was arrested pound of marijuana on a bus, then went back to the bus station asking about the bag.
One thing's for sure, that's good weed.
Washington.
To help you understand it all, it's time for Winners and Losers.
Loser, John Boehner.
I feel sorry for you, buddy.
to maintain your dignity while wrangling their Tea Party maniacs.
You're like Seinfeld if there were 30 Kramers.
Winners, the Tea Party.
It's also nice to see a vocal minority get their way.
You're like the naked lunatic who gets their own subway car.
So congrats on soiling yourself into power.
Loser, GOP, a new Fox News poll shows the disapproval of the Republican party during the shutdown has jumped to 59%.
And that's a Fox News poll.
Talk about getting booed on your home field.
If Fox News says it's 59%, that's like the real news saying it's 3,000%.
Loser the Obama care website.
You can't campaign on the fact that millions don't have health care and then be surprised that health care.
offguard? That's like 1-800-flowers getting caught offguard by Valentine's Day.
Winner, Canada.
Senator Ted Cruz, a Canadian, shut down the U.
S.
government.
Well played Canada.
Winner, teenaged hormones.
With all the national monuments closed, I'm guessing kids on D.
C.
field trips right now are spending their time back at the hotel just going to town on each other.
Finally, winner, Nick Cage, hey, Nick, nobody's guarding the Smithsonian.
This has been Winners and Losers.
Ray Parker, Jr.
Has filed a lawsuit saying he's owed millions of dollars in royalties for the Ghostbusters theme song.
And maybe he is, but he had 30 years to write a second song.
Firefighters rescued a boa constrictor from a burning building.
a gas can.
Mia Farrow admitted her son may have been fathered by Frank Sinatra.
Wow she really doesn't have a Many have criticized Grand Theft Auto as being violent and dangerous.
With her review, Pat Lynhart a mother from Connecticut.
Have you played Grand Theft Auto? I have.
I have played it, I've been playing it all week.
And I love it.
Do you know how amazing this game is.
Last week I was reading the Paris Wife with my book club.
This week I had sex with over 3,000 prostitutes.
I am invincible.
You're not worried about the violence in this game at all? Worried about -- no, if set me free, Cecily.
I am no longer Pat Lynhart mother of three, I am Lester Crest and I eat cocaine for breakfast.
I was supposed to run the car pool yesterday.
I shot a stripper in the boob for sport.
I am a God.
Well, what do your children the game.
I think they think, we better step back, mom's a Latino war lord now.
The other day, my husband said your sons are bleeding and there's no more food in the I said, "Then go to the store whore.
" The Pat you know is dead.
I didn't really know you.
She will never again return to Hartford, for she is now a full time resident of Los Santo.
My motto used to be hug someone and make an angel smile.
shot dead.
dead.
That seems like a truly terrible message to send to today's youth.
The only message I have is to Wade Chang of the Triad gang.
Harold "Stretch" Jackson told me about your little power play.
20 dead prostitutes to my doorstep by dawn tomorrow, so help me God, I will feed your Chinese bones to a rottweiler.
Okay.
A great heads up for Wade Chang.
I'm afraid to ask, Pat, but do you have any other gaming recommendations? Is that Candy Crush on the But I haven't switched to iOS 7 yet, I'm too afraid.
Pat Lynhart, everyone.
An elementary school in Florida has suspended an 8-year-old boy after he pointed his finger and pretended it was a gun.
How else was he supposed to tell his teacher she's looking good.
Women who deal with a great deal of stress in middle age are more likely to develop Alzheimer's later in life.
Every woman in the world will get Alzheimer's disease.
Police in Georgia are searching for thieves who stole $40,000 worth of jewelry from diners at a waffle house.
they showed up the very night It's week five of the NFL season, which has brought us a always outspoken, Shannon Sharpe.
Thank you.
It is positively a pleasure to be here.
Hi, Shannon, it's been a rough start for football fans in New York.
The Giants are 0-4.
What do you think is going on with that team.
At this moment, currently, the Giants are the worst team in 50 years.
Let me put it this way, let me put it this way, I have a better chance of winning Miss New winning the Super Bowl.
statement.
You know, many are saying this is the year of the quarterback in the NFL, you have a lot of emerging stars in the position.
RG3, Russell Wilson and Colin -- Kaepernick.
Kaepernick.
So Colin Kaepernick's team 2-2, despite going to the Super Bowl last year.
Do you think he's as good as he was last year? Absolutely.
He's one of the best quarterbacks ever, he can throw, he can run, he can tackle, he can paint.
That is very complimentary.
Do you think he can get his team back to the Super Bowl.
Listen -- oh, they're going to the Super Bowl.
They're going to the Super Bowl.
much easier for me to tie my legs behind me head, enter a marathon, and run that marathon running on a bare butt cheeks than Colin Kaepernick not to go to the Super Bowl.
You're the expert.
I'll take your word on it.
Let's talk about a more serious issue.
The crackdown on violence in the NFL.
Yeah.
Seems like there are more fines being given for hard hits, Ndamukong Suh.
Spelled just like the Japanese celebrity N Donkey Kong.
Now, Ndamukong Suh has been fined $100,000 for hits in the Do you think that's excessive? It's a kiss on the wrist for Ndamukong of a penalty.
I think the two of us sharing breath, the NFL should burn his house down.
Oh, come on.
Seth, Seth, Seth, Seth, Seth, Seth.
Please.
It would be easier for me to have a baby, and that baby be a walrus.
Okay.
And I raise that walrus to walk and ride a bike.
I'm still with you.
And that walrus to win the tour de France, than Ndamukong Suh to care about 100 grand.
Very good.
Shannon Sharpe, everybody.
Police in Canada arrested a man who claimed to be his own sovereign nation and called his duplex his embassy.
detained after he kept pooping on his neighbor's lawn.
A California man is filing a lawsuit against Sprint alleging son contained pornographic pictures of the sales person.
Said his son, ooh gross, Sprint? your ex's porn.
A man broke into a woman's house and sat by the pool wearing her bathing suit and Said the terrified woman, did it A man who calls himself dread pirate Roberts, and everyone else calls dork scarface is selling drugs on a website.
Counted among the one third of Jews that do belong to a synagogue is a podiatrist's son Jacob.
plantar fascitis.
Tell me what you've been up to.
And since my bubby was over we acted like we celebrated every week.
Was it fun celebrating with your bubby? the Hebrew word shabatz.
It's the traditional day of rest lasting from sundown Friday to sundown Saturday.
I mean, I've heard of recess, but this is ridiculous.
I know I always tell you this, you don't have to make a rehearsed speech like you did at your bar mitzvah, we can just talk like a couple buddies.
The reason we observe the sabbath dates back to when God And on the second day, he said, let there be Derek Jeters and the New York Yankees.
So you really like the Yankees, Jacob? On the third through sixth days, God created many more things, such as the sun, the moon, the fish and the birds, land animals and finally, humans.
Which may or may not include my brother Ethan.
But seriously, Ethan.
Even though you won't let me use your hair gel, you always know how do make me laugh, even at temple services.
That's nice you get along with your brother, because, you too.
On the seventh day, God rested for the whole day.
is ridiculous.
Jacob, I think you used that one already.
No -- Jacob, that's Cecily, she's meet you.
Really rattled him.
In conclusion, today I am a man.
Moving forward as an adult, in the Jewish community, I promise to fulfill the following commitments.
study Torah, and some day visit Israel, even though I have My boy Jacob, everyone.
Good night.
Come on, you guys, can we Un-kay? Can we do that? Regionals are next week.
Amber, I've been throwing these girls around all day, my deltoids are aching, you're a slave driver.
I'm a motivator, a slave Whatevs.
Now, line up so we can work on role call.
Someone give me a beat, un-kay? Okay, I'll push on this boom box so we know where that's coming from.
Un-kay.
Come on, guys, let's see that spirit.
And I want to see sharp movements.
I'll start.
I'm a cutie I have a brain and a sweet bootie Sharla and if you want me just say hey Sharla My name is Debbie I'm almost back My name is Ashley I like to jam what is that what is that? Is that a spaceship what is that light? Come on, guys, focus, don't just say what is that light.
Her shoes are here and smoking.
Un-kay, here's what I think Ashley is a lazy weirdo who is weird.
If she can't stick around for the whole rehearsal she is off the team.
We're better off without her.
Now, let's pick it up from there, un-kay? But she just disappeared.
I said, un-kay.
Now, go.
My name is Bill I am a boy I like to cheer deal with it Dad My name's Dakota not like Fanning my name is Flanning Dakota Flanning My name is Jodi I'm super hot I'm rising I'm rising And so am I I'm risiing with her.
Oh my God.
Stop you two, if you can't stop rising, then you're off the team.
They're gone.
They're my best friends.
I'm frightened.
Oh, my God, look, an alien is Well, that is not un-kay.
What do you want from us? We're simple cheerleaders.
Let me introduce myself.
My name is Zorban.
Wait, hang on.
Can you do it to the beat? That's how we introduce ourselves.
Un-kay.
My name is Zorban I come from Gleeta 1457 I took your friends but they are fine they will be back by dinnertime He's got it.
Sharpen those movements.
There's just one thing I have moon Excuse me, you're taking our moon? Don't talk back.
Don't be alarmed just need Okay, guys, we're ready to shoot this week's promos, let's Morning, guys.
Is it? Is it a good morning? Could we just get this over with, please? Okay.
We have prompter and we're rolling in 3, 2 -- Miami Monday is Miami fun day.
The incomparable Tiki Barber is in studio to talk about his cookbook and life in general.
Who makes the best curling iron.
The answer may surprise you.
I'm Yolanda.
And I'm Jill.
And I'm B.
F.
, join us Monday And we're clear.
[laughter.]
Okay, Tuesday's promo is up, names this time.
And we're ready to roll in 3, 2, Morning Miami.
This Tuesday is shoesday and we're pumping you full of pumps.
Jeff Dunham's puppets are in studio, Jeff Dunham is not.
We'll find out how funny those puppets really are.
And are ghosts real? Turns out no.
Here to talk about it is actor Topher Grace.
I'm Yolanda.
I'm Jill.
And I'm B.
F.
Join us Tuesday on Morning Miami.
And we're clear.
[laughter.]
Okay, Wednesday's up, and remember, guys, full names.
3, 2 -- Morning Miami.
Get on your camels or your significant others because it's hump day.
Then it's a bird, it's a plane, it's an ugly rabbit? The worst looking rabbits in the state of Florida strut their stuff.
contest.
And the cast of the highest rated cable show "Duck Dynasty" is here to talk about how the it's quacked up to be.
I'm Yolanda.
And I'm B.
F.
Join us Wednesday on Morning, Miami.
And we're clear.
[laughter.]
Oh, shut it.
Shut it up.
Okay, guys, no show on Thursday.
Because it's a leap week.
Friday's promo is up, full names.
And we are on in 3, 2 -- Morning, Miami.
Friday is rye day.
What can you put between two pieces of rye bread? The answer may turn you on.
Then, he's a helicopter, he's a machine gun, he's a bigot.
Racist artist Bill Sphinx is here to make funny sounds and awful comments.
He can throw a 90 mile per hour fastball, but get this, he's only 1-year-old.
Denny Baker is in studio.
I'm Yolanda Natalie Portman.
I'm Jilla Mockingbird.
And I'm Bitch Fantastic.
Join us on Morning, Miami.
Once again, Miley Cyrus.
[cheers and applause.]
Red cups and sweaty bodies everywhere hands in the air like we don't care 'cause we came to have so much fun now bet somebody here might get some now if you're not ready to go home 'cause we're gonna go all night 'til we see the sunlight all right we like to party dancing with Molly doing whatever we want this is our house this is our rules we can't stop and we won't stop can't you see it's we who own the night can't you see it's we who 'bout that life and we won't stop 'cause we run things things don't run we we don't take nothing from nobody yeah, yeah to my home girls here with the big butt shaking it like we at a strip club remember only God can judge us forget the haters 'cause somebody loves ya everyone in line in the bathroom trying to get a line in the bathroom we all so turned up here getting turned up, yeah yeah, yeah, yeah la da di da di we like to party doing whatever we want this is our house this is our rules and we won't stop can't you see it's we who own the night can't you see it's we who 'bout that life and we can't stop and we won't stop 'cause we run things things don't run we we don't take nothing from nobody yeah, yeah we can do what we want to it's our house we can love who we want to it's our song we can sing if we want to it's my mouth yeah, yeah, oh we run things things don't run we we don't take nothing yeah, yeah oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah do what we want we can do what we want to [bell ringing.]
Settle.
Settle.
Hey! I hope you all remembered your homework was to write some poems.
Well, here's a nice surprise.
I won't be teaching you today.
Cue applause.
Yes, that's right.
I've got a job interview thank Christ.
So we've got a poetry specialist from the Newberry writing workshop.
Say hello to Miss Meadows.
Hello.
Thank you.
Thanks, you guys.
Okay, all right.
Let me ask you a question, okay? you think of poetry, okay? Boring? Right? Study? Homework? Guess what, poetry can be pretty cool.
In our class, you can write poems about anything you want, okay? You can write poems about boys, your first kiss.
You know what I'm saying? Dancing with a boy.
[muttering.]
Hey, you, what's something you would like to write about? Grand Theft Auto.
I like butts.
Guess what.
That's awesome.
Oh! Guys, I get it, okay? I was a hip teen once, too.
All right, I went out on the town.
Hey, you, what did you do this past Friday night? Me? Well, I got paid to hollow out cigarettes.
Yeah, been there before.
What about you? I filmed a bunch of bugs Okay, I'm going to read one of my favorite poems.
It's called "Winter Treat.
" Hey, hey.
Sticky sweet sugar on my tongue.
my nose.
[muttering.]
Can't wait for the next cup.
Oh! Who else wrote a poem? I did.
This is called the yearbook committee.
The yearbook committee can suck They are no good.
Y'all want to laugh at me because I had a nip slip at a pep rally? Joke's on you.
It was a big old mole.
Okay.
Okay.
That was a great job.
Oh, let's move on to haiku's, okay? What do you think of when you think of haiku's.
Boring.
Right? Nonsense.
Okay? Too much work? [muttering.]
Guess what.
Haiku's can be pretty fun.
Oh! Because they're short, first of all.
They're five syllables, then seven and then five.
Okay, you might say that haiku's were the first tweets.
Oh! So who wrote a haiku? Yes, you.
Yeah, my haiku is called, Hey, where my weed at? Oh, y'all gon' be like that? Damn.
Why y'all quiet? Intriguing.
Yeah.
I'm curious to see if the Yeah, me too.
Okay.
Does anyone else have a poem? I do.
I wrote this just now.
It's called "The Flower.
" hey, hey.
A flower bloomed in school today.
A blonde flower that made my heart stop.
Oh.
today, who smelled like herbal tea and cough drops.
[coughs.]
Oh.
I used to be an angry weed, but now my lust has bloomed.
I used to think I was straight, but maybe I'm just gay for flowers -- oh! Hey, hey, hey! Hey, hey, oh! Is everything okay in here -- you know what? Actually, I have to be going.
But, if you guys have learned anything today, I hope it's that poetry can be pretty fun.
Okay? Okay, we're recording.
Okay.
Oh, my God.
Miley Cyrus, she's crazy.
She wants to have sex with me in Sounds great, Kyle, get back in there.
Do you have any idea how freakish she's willing to get? Any position you want.
each other and practically finish each other's -- sentences.
What are you doing out here? Go have sex with her.
She's about to pour water on her sexy clothes for the wet T-shirt contest.
And I've been named the She wanted me to ask if you would be judges.
But I thought, that's so much pressure to put on my friends.
No, we would love to do it.
She's been trying to give me tickets to every concert.
She gave you tickets to all of her concerts? No, All of the concerts of any music.
I can't go to all of them, so I have to give them to my friends.
That's great.
What are you doing, you're blowing your only chance to have sex with Miley Cyrus.
I hope you don't mind I rearranged things a bit.
Is that my older brother? Hey, bro, you want to play What's going on, are we going to have sex right now and whenever you want for the rest of your life? I don't know.
I'm trying to figure it out.
Please, like be respectful.
Don't you see what's happening here? Yeah, the perfect girl is behind that door waiting to do What's the problem? I don't know, maybe the fact that she's 100 years old.
What? She's like 20.
I thought she was 100.
How old are we? 500 and 600.
Does that make sense to you? Kyle, this is ridiculous, please, just go have sex with her.
Okay.
I'm going to do it.
Here goes nothing.
She's having sex with my older brother.
Miley Cyrus is having sex with my older brother.
Dang, Ricky's so lucky.
Thank you, guys so much for having me this week.
Good night, everybody.
[cheers and applause.]