Saturday Night Live (1975) s39e16 Episode Script
Louis C.K. & Sam Smith
1 ÃÂ I've got to hand it to you, Mike, that appearance -- that appearance on Between Two Ferns really got the affordable care act a lot of buzz.
The credit goes to Mara, our social media expert, she brought us your Galifianakis thing and the idea to post your NCAA bracket online.
Oh, Mr.
President, it was just an honor to be involved.
Mara was also behind viral sensations like planking and icanhascheezeburger.
And after we're through everybody's gonna be saying Icanhashealthcare.
Well let's keep it going.
The deadline to sign up is on Monday.
Sir, I think if you trust Mara, she'll get you at least ten million new sign-ups on healthcare.
gov in the next 48 hours.
Great.
What do we need to do? Let's start with Instagram.
The White House account is mostly pictures of you meeting the leader of Ukraine and talking to school kids -- [ snoring .]
So let's do something totally viral.
Come on in, guys.
What we're going to do is you're going to hold this healthcare.
gov sign and we'll give you Pharrell's hat and an e-cigarette to vape on.
Buzzfeed is going to eat this up.
I don't know, Mike, this seems to be sending off the wrong -- I don't think we should do this.
And three, two, one.
Okay, got it.
Mr.
President, there's millions of people out there who need health care.
You're the one who wanted to do this.
Okay.
Put it up.
Great.
Let's move on to Twitter.
Ellen DeGeneres broke your record for most retweeted photo of all time.
Today we want to take it back with a photo that's supes buzzy.
Let's bring in Kim Kardashian, Harry Styles, a cat dressed like Princess Elsa from Frozen, and Batkid.
Hello.
I love history.
You know.
Hey, you're the president, right? Are you like on money? Why did they take my phone away from me? Three, two, one.
Got it.
That was so weird.
I'm just like, what room is this? This place is like crazy, this is like the Marley Simmons' house.
I don't even know what's happening, you guys.
I'm not sure about this.
Good news.
That photo from Instagram has been faved 152,000 times.
But isn't it a little silly? Mr.
President, I'll tell what you is silly.
Right now there is a pregnant woman in Denver who has no health insurance.
That is silly.
Okay.
Fine.
Post it.
All right.
So moving on.
You know who is hot right now? The pope.
So lets get him in here.
Your holiness.
ÃÂ You got Pope Francis? Yeah.
We met at Bonnaroo.
He loves affordable healthcare.
Thank you so much for coming.
It's no problemo.
For the next video, it is going to be a vine video and we want to see you dancing the na-na.
Alright, hit it.
I don't know.
It seems to send the wrong message.
I don't think we should -- Three, two -- okay, got it.
Mike, I really think we should hold off on sending that.
Mr.
President, right now there is a child in Little Rock and he wants to see a day where everyone has affordable health insurance but he can't.
And you know why? Because he was born without eyes.
All right.
All right.
Fine, go ahead and post it.
Anything else? Actually there is one more photo we think will be huge, if you're up for it.
Yeah, we want you to kiss Justin Bieber on the lips.
Excuse me.
No way.
Sir, let me tell you a story.
I recently met a 10-year-old girl in St.
Louis who no health insurance.
She has a heart of gold.
It's a rare and horrible condition.
Her heart is made of gold.
She needs healthcare, Mr.
President.
All right, fine.
Let's do it.
Come on in, Justin.
[ applause .]
[ laughter .]
I guess I'll kiss the president.
President probably doesn't want to kiss me.
Who would want to kiss this stupid old face? [ laughter .]
All right.
All right.
Okay.
[ laughter .]
Oh, my gosh.
That was beautiful.
Sir, you made history.
You think so? Well then, live from New York, it's Saturday Night.
ÃÂ ANNOUNCER: It's "Saturday Night Live" with Vanessa Bayer ÃÂ Aidy Bryant Taran Killam Kate McKinnon Bobby Moynihan Nasim Pedrad Jay Pharoah Cecily Strong Kenan Thompson featuring Beck Bennett Colin Jost John Milhiser Kyle Mooney Mike O'Brien Noel Wells Brooks Wheelan Sasheer Zamata ÃÂ musical guest, Sam Smith.
And your host Louis C.
K.
ÃÂ Ladies and gentlemen, Louis C.
K.
[ cheering and applause .]
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
[ cheering and applause .]
Why, thank you.
Okay.
That's very nice.
I hope somebody does that for you some day.
[ laughter .]
That was a very nice thing.
I hope you had a good day.
All I could do about it is hope.
I had a pretty good day.
I went out shopping for some things I needed and now I don't need them because I got them.
I got a white noise machine.
Do you know what those are? It is a machine that helps white people sleep at night.
It shouldn't be able to.
I am hungry.
I'm a little hungry.
I mean I feel hungry.
I think Americans shouldn't say I'm hungry.
You should say I feel hungry.
If you ate today, you shouldn't say I'm hungry.
Hunger is a real thing.
I don't have third world hunger, I have first world hunger.
I would like a donut.
[ laughter .]
Some people say I'm starving.
That's offensive.
I'm starving.
I haven't eaten since 2:00, I'm starving.
Don't say that.
Because some people are starving and they don't say it.
You never see a little kid in Africa with his ribs showing saying, I am, like, starving right now.
I'm, like, literally starving to death.
It's, like, annoying.
ÃÂ I have two kids.
I went to my daughter's play the other day.
I don't know if you have kids, but there is no more joyful feeling in the human experience than when a child's play is over.
[ laughter .]
Nothing feels that good.
When you can say I am not watching that any longer.
Every second my daughter is on stage, I can't breathe because I'm so proud of her, but this is a bad show.
[ laughter .]
They worked really hard and it didn't make it good.
[ laughter .]
I'm glad I'm raising girls, though, because boys -- I don't like boys.
I just don't like boys.
That is probably a good thing to say.
I don't like boys.
I mean, I don't think women are better than men, but I do think that men are worse than women.
[ laughter .]
We just have -- like I was talking to my friend and he said his girlfriend is mad at him and I said what happened.
Well, I guess I said something and then she got her feelings hurt.
That is a weird way to phrase it.
She got her feelings hurt.
I said something and then she -- could you more remove yourself from responsibility? She got her feelings hurt.
It is like saying, yeah, I shot this guy in the face and then I guess he got himself murdered.
[ laughter .]
I just shot -- he leaned into it.
I didn't know.
[ laughter .]
I've never been murdered.
[ laughter .]
I'm going to die some day.
I accept that.
I don't know what happens afterwards.
Some people say you go to heaven.
I'm totally going to heaven.
By the way, this is the only voice I know how to do.
That is the only voice I have.
I can't do impressions.
This is my impression of the president.
I'm the first black president.
ÃÂ I'm like, literally, the first black president.
[ laughter .]
Do you guys think there is a heaven? If you believe you're going to heaven, clap if you think you're going to heaven.
You think you're going to heaven? Yes.
Really.
How old are you? 21.
And you're a lock for heaven already.
Been a grown-up for three years, you couldn't possibly make a mistake.
Well good luck.
Personally, I don't think there is a heaven.
I think maybe there's a God, but there's no heaven.
That is the best news you get.
You die and you're like, hey God, where is heaven? And he's like, I don't know who's telling people that.
I'm supposed to make a universe and then another whole amazing place for afterwards? You guys are greedy dicks down there.
[ laughter .]
Well, where do I go? Just stand in this room with me now.
I don't like it.
Tell me about it, I've been here since 1983 or whatever.
I don't know when God started.
I'm not religious.
I don't know if there is a God.
I just say I don't know.
Some people say they know there isn't.
That is a weird thing to think you can know.
Are you sure there is no God? Yeah, no, there's no God.
How do you know? 'cause I didn't see him.
There's a vast universe.
You can see for about 100 yards when there's not a building in the way.
Did you look everywhere? Did you look in the downstairs bathroom? Where have you looked so far? I haven't seen 12 Years a Slave yet, it doesn't mean it doesn't exist.
I'm waiting until it comes on cable.
I think if there is a God, I don't know if it's the one in the Bible, 'cause that's a weird story.
He's our father, and we're his children, that is it.
Our father who art in heaven.
Where is our mother? What happened to our mom? [ laughter .]
What did he do to our mom? [ laughter .]
Something happened.
Somewhere in heaven there is a porch with a dead lady under it and I want the story.
Somebody needs to check the trunk of God's car, for bleach and rope and fibers.
Well how can we not have a mother? At least maybe God is divorced.
Maybe he has an ex-wife.
God is a single dad and he's raising us alone and we're praying, and he's like, I'm trying but it's just me up here.
Maybe that is what is going on.
Maybe your life is your time -- this is our weekend with dad.
That is what life is.
Your weekend.
And then when you die you go to mom's house.
[ laughter .]
It makes sense that God would be a woman, doesn't it? Because you are raised by your mom.
I think the reason we made God a man in our culture because we want to make sense that men are in charge.
Because otherwise it doesn't make sense.
You start with a woman.
It is like what comes first? The chicken or the egg? Of course it is the egg.
You can't just make a chicken.
You have to start with an egg and grow a chicken.
ÃÂ And then people say where did the egg come from? From a chicken, you idiot.
[ applause .]
Women birthed us and raised us and so why aren't they running things? I think I know why.
Because millions of years ago women were in charge and they were mean and horrible and they would make us walk around naked and flick your penis when you walk by.
They were awful.
But what could you do? It's your mom and her friends.
And then one guy punched his mom and we're like, we can hit them and then we did the whole thing.
But that is why men are mean to women today, because we're terrified of them.
That is why -- we didn't give the women the vote until 1920, that means American democracy is 94 years old.
There are three people in my building older than American democracy.
That is how -- women have had a rough time.
It was so okay to beat your wife until so recently that today we have a kind of shirt named after it.
[ laughter .]
There is a piece of clothing in our culture affectionately nicknamed after beating the crap out of your wife.
And for some reason, this is offensive to nobody.
[ laughter .]
I saw a woman on Good Morning America, she said, my husband is walking around the house in a wife beater.
I'm like, stop saying it like it's not horrible.
He's wearing a wife beater and child murder shorts tonight.
Like so cute.
We have a great show.
Sam Smith is here.
[ cheering and applause .]
We'll be right back.
ÃÂ This is Black Jeopardy.
What up, what up, what up? Welcome to Black Jeopardy.
I'm your host, Alex Treblack.
No, I'm just playing.
I'm Darnell Haynes.
Now it is the 50th anniversary so we finally got our own.
Our contestants are Amir.
How you doin'? Keeley.
What's up? And Mark.
Surprised to see you, Mark Yes, well I'm a professor of African-American studies at Brigham-Young University.
I just decided, well, I'll give this a try.
[ laughter .]
Okay.
I guess we'll see.
Let's take a look at the categories.
We got, "It's been a minute.
" "That girl.
" "On punishment.
" "Had that been me.
" "White people.
" And "Pssh.
" ÃÂ Amir, you're our returning champ.
You pick.
ÃÂ Okay, so I'll take "That girl" for 200.
All right, here is the clue.
She think she cute.
[ buzzer .]
Keeley? Who is Monique? That's it.
[ laughter .]
"That girl" for 400.
She do hair.
[ buzzer .]
Keeley? Alizay Oh, I'm sorry, you got to state your answer in the form of a question.
Okay, Alizay? [ laughter and applause .]
ÃÂ There you go.
[ applause .]
Can I ask something, are there any questions about black history? ÃÂ Hey, man, relax.
What we got is what we got.
Okay.
Just try and play, you might win some money.
Okay, sure.
Keeley.
Let's go to "It's been a minute.
" Okay, here's the clue.
It's been a minute since he came home.
[ buzzer .]
Amir? Who is Rico? Yes.
All right, cool.
I'll take "It's been a minute" for 400.
Okay.
It's been a minute since he got a job.
[ buzzer .]
Mark? Who is an unemployed fellow- black? [ laughter .]
That's probably the wrong answer.
[ laughter .]
All right.
Amir it's still you.
Let's try "Pssh" for 200.
Okay.
Alicia wants to use you as a job reference.
[ buzzer .]
Amir? Oh, what is pssh, good luck with that? Yeah, you got that one.
[ laughter .]
You got that right.
ÃÂ Okay cool.
Let 's do "Pssh" for 4.
Okay.
Chase Bank says ou have money but you can't use it until tomorrow.
[ buzzer .]
Amir? What is, pssh you better give me my $17? [ laughter .]
There you go.
You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? Who are you to keep my money? All right, cool.
Let's do "Pssh" for 600.
Okay, Rahim wants to borrow your bike to go to the store right quick? [ buzzer .]
Mark? What is pssh, no way, Jose.
[ laughter .]
What? That is close at least, right? Let's just move on and hear about today's prizes.
Johnny.
Thanks, Darnell.
Today's "Black Jeopardy" winner will receive the new TV by Set it There.
Flat screen TV with no stand and no wall.
ÃÂ You better not put a hole in my wall.
Get your whole security deposit back.
And antique furniture by Don't you bring that in my house.
Armoires, mirrors, and old trunks.
Is there a ghost in there? You'll never know, with don't bring that in my house.
Back to you.
ÃÂ All right, Amir, the board is still yours.
Okay, let's go for "Had that been me" for 200.
Okay, had that been me, I'd still be hitting that.
[ buzzer .]
Amir? Who is Robin Thicke? You damn right.
[ laughter .]
[ cheers and applause .]
Let's do "Had that been me" for 400? Okay.
Had that been me, I would have whooped his ass when he was young.
[ buzzer .]
Keeley? Who is Justin Bieber? Absolutely.
Absolutely.
He ain't grown.
He ain't grown.
"Had that been me" for 800? Had that been me, I wouldn't have been around them dogs in the first place.
[ buzzer .]
Mark? Who is Michael Vick? No.
[ laughter .]
No.
Anybody else? I'm sorry, Mark, we were looking for Sarah McLaughlin.
[ laughter .]
I mean, come on.
You mean Sarah McLaughlin.
Okay, fine.
Mark, the board is yours.
Okay.
Good.
Let's please go over to "White people" for 200.
Your call.
Okay, white people are always lying about this? [ buzzer .]
Mark? What is, we don't have any money? [ laughter .]
Yes.
But the truth is we would have accepted any answer.
[ laughter .]
Okay.
Well, great.
Let's keep going.
White people for 600 please.
Oh, I'm sorry, there is the final bell.
As usual we started late so we're going to go on to final Black Jeopardy.
Here is today's category? Rap songs that begins with the letter n.
" [ laughter .]
You'll be answering that when we come back.
Watch yourself, Mark.
We'll be right back with "Black Jeopardy.
" [ cheers and applause .]
ÃÂ And this is Mr.
Patterson's office.
Come on, honey, I want you to meet him.
I'm kind of nervous.
You're always talking about what a genius your boss is.
You'll be fine.
But before you meet him, keep in mind he's one of the most powerful CEOs in America, he's a scratch golfer, and he has the body of a baby.
The body of a baby? Mr.
Patterson, excuse me.
Just a sec.
Got to finish these filings.
Tax season always sneaks up on me.
All right.
Philip, what can I do you for? I just wanted to introduce you to my wife Karen.
Oh, well let me come over and say hi.
Not every day I get to say hi to the VP that I love the most.
[ laughter .]
This is Karen.
Philip, you never told me your wife was so beautiful.
My, well, thank you Mr.
Patterson and you are also a handsome man.
[ laughter .]
Thank you very much.
Listen, I hope it doesn't embarrass you but we heard it was your birthday, so we brought you a little something.
Oh, wow, just what I asked for.
A box.
[ laughter .]
See I told you he would love it, honey.
Absolutely.
I absolutely love.
[ laughter .]
You know, Mr.
Patterson and I actually went to college together.
He was a senior when I was a freshman.
It's true.
We were in the same fraternity.
Do you remember the secret handshake? Remember it? I made it up.
Ready? Yep.
[ laughter .]
Delta! Mr.
Patterson, Darlene brought in a cake for your birthday.
Oh, wow, well tell Darlene thank you and my cholesterol says you're fired.
[ laughter .]
Mmm.
Philip, Karen, you have to try this.
It's delicious.
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
That's really good.
It's delicious.
And listen, Mr.
Patterson, do you mind if we talk for a second? Just you and me.
Sure.
What better time than now? [ laughter .]
Karen, would you just give us a moment? Of course.
I would love to leave.
Let's have a seat.
Mr.
Patterson, what I'm about to say to you might come as a shock.
Oh, no, I'm getting scared.
Do you mind? No, go right ahead.
All right.
Lay it on me.
Okay.
Now listen, as you know my wife is from Tulsa.
Love Tulsa.
Okay, and after tax season is over I've decided to take a new job there.
ÃÂ What? I'm leaving.
No, no! [ laughter .]
It's okay.
It's okay.
I don't like this at all.
I have to think about this for a minute.
It's okay.
Listen, think about the good times Mr.
Patterson.
[ laughter .]
It's been you and me.
Okay, enough.
You always were the funny one around here, weren't you, Philip.
I'm going to miss your jokes.
Let's see what Mr.
Stapler has to say about that.
I'm going to miss you, too, and I love you so much.
What the hell are you doing? I'm a grown man.
Sorry, sir.
Is there any way I can make it up to you? ÃÂ Well, if you would wave that box around just out of my reach, I think I would like that a great deal.
I would be happy to.
Like that? I'm going to need a letter of recommendation, sir? Anything you need.
[ cheers and applause .]
ÃÂ I've got kids and you know what that means? Spills, and lots of 'em.
Mom.
Uh oh.
Darn it.
I spend a lot of my time cleaning up messes so I need something that's absorbent and affordable.
So what do I reach for? A suit from Joseph A.
Bank.
With their innovative buy one get three free pricing, a suit from Joseph A.
Bank is effectively cheaper than paper towels.
And now they come in these easy to use dispensers.
With four suits for the price of a modest dinner, I can feel good about throwing them away when I'm done.
They're good for any job around the house.
Like pet stains, soaking up grease.
Even diapers for your little ones.
And plus, they make great kindling.
It's so flammable.
And talk about absorbent.
A regular paper towel disintegrates under liquid, but a Joseph A.
Bank suit disintegrates with no liquid at all.
The only downside, keeping my husband's suit straight.
That one's got spaghetti on it.
[ laughter .]
Joseph A.
Bank.
Quantity, guaranteed.
[ cheers and applause .]
ÃÂ Ladies and gentlemen, Sam Smith.
[ applause .]
ÃÂ I guess it's true I'm not good at a one night stand but I still need love 'cause I'm just a man These nights never seem to go to plan I don't want you to leave will you hold my hand? Won't you stay with me cause you're all I need this ain't love it's clear to see but, darling, stay with me Why am I so emotional? No, it's not a good look gain some self-control And deep down I know this never works but you can lay with me so it doesn't hurt Won't you stay with me? Cause you're all I need this ain't love it's clear to see but, darling, stay with me Whooa, oooh oooh, ooooh Won't you stay with me? Cause you're all I need ÃÂ This ain't love it's clear to see but, darling, stay with me Won't you stay with me? Cause you're all I need it ain't love it's clear to see but, darling, stay with me But, darling, stay with me but, darling, stay with me ÃÂ [ cheering and applause .]
ÃÂ ANNOUNCER: "Weekend Update" with Cecily Strong and Colin Jost.
[ cheers and applause .]
Good evening.
I'm Colin Jost.
I'm Cecily Strong.
And here are tonight's top stories.
Russian president Vladimir Putin on Friday called President Obama to discuss a solution to the crisis in Ukraine.
And both agreed to a meeting of their top diplomats.
Then Obama nearly botched it by accidentally ending the phone call with, "Love you, bye.
" President Obama on Thursday met for the first time with Pope Francis at the Vatican where the pope gave Obama a copy of his book, "The Joy of the Gospel.
" and told him, "This is for when you're bored.
" adding, "There is weed inside.
" A report on the bridgegate scandal which was compiled by a team picked by New Jersey governor Chris Christie was released Thursday and clears the governor of any wrongdoing.
And you can totally trust it because it was fact-checked by independent investigator, Trish Tristie.
Georgia this week will vote on a sweeping new law that will allow guns in bars, schools, restaurants and airports.
You know, basically anywhere people get angry.
Lawmakers will have the option of voting nay or "bang, bang, bang, bang.
" In an interview this week.
"Duck Dynasty" star Willie Robertson said he'd like to take President Obama duck hunting with him.
Or as it is also known, a trap.
ÃÂ It was reported this week that male students in North Korea are being forced to have their hair cut just like Kim Jong-un.
In other words, by a blind person.
ÃÂ The NCAA tournament continued tonight as both Florida and Wisconsin made it to the final four.
Here with his take is the always outspoken Stephen A.
Smith.
[ cheers and applause .]
Colin, it is good to see you, brother.
Hi, Stephen.
Now a lot of the experts are picking Michigan State to win it all after they beat Virginia last night.
What do you think? Well Colin, don't be disrespectful.
Dick Vitale and I are good friends, but what he's saying is blasphemous.
Well, they've got a great coach in Tom Izzo.
Well, Colin, it pains me to say this because Tom Izzo is a friend of mine.
Really? Yes.
A dear friend.
We go to pilates class together.
Tom Izzo's picture is the wallpaper on my iPhone.
If I ever want to call him, I just ask Siri to complete me.
But Tom Izzo and the rest of the players on the Michigan State basketball team are not making it out of the first round.
They are already in the elite eight.
Okay, I guess we'll have to agree to disagree.
Well some teams have struggled.
Duke was a three seed and lost to Mercer in the opening round.
Do you think Coach Mike Krzyzewski did everything he could to prepare the team? Well, Colin, hate to say this because because Duke coach Mike Krzyzewski is a dear, dear friend.
Coach K.
is a dear friend? Oh, yes.
We tight.
ÃÂ Coach K.
and I share candle-lit Lean Cuisine dinners on my forehead.
We call each other whenever the movie Sleepless in Seattle is on.
And we have to watch the rest together while talking on the phone.
That can't be true.
It's true.
He's a hall of fame coach.
But come tournament time, Coach K.
should be nowhere near a basketball team.
Okay.
Well a lot of people are following Kentucky's team, they just beat Louisville.
Do you think freshman Julius Randle could take the team all of the way? Colin, I'd love to say yes because Julius and I are dear, dear friends.
Oh, come on.
He's 19 years old.
I was the nurse when he was born.
I breast fed him so his single mother could hold down two jobs.
Later we backpacked across Europe together.
We were gypsies, tramps, and thieves.
We had a memorable summer together, each taking turns sharing one magical pair of pants.
[ laughter .]
But Julius Randle in the and the Kentucky Wildcats have no chance of winning this tournament than I do of winning a gold medal in women's figure skating.
[ laughter .]
Fine, then who do you predict will win the tournament? When this started, I picked Wichita State to win it all.
And I'm still picking Wichita State.
A lot of experts will tell you they were eliminated from the tournament and their season is over, but I have a feeling and mark my words, that Wichita State will come back to win the entire NCAA tournament in the NBA championship.
Mark it down.
Hallelujah.
Stephen S.
Smith, everybody.
[ applause .]
A new report shows that since 2010 the population of New York City has grown by 380,000 people and almost a million street Elmos.
A new Star Trek themed beer is being introduced called Warnog.
It is perfect for anyone who doesn't want to live long or prosper.
It was reported this week that with Russia's annexation of Crimea, the country now has control over the Ukraine navy's combat dolphin program.
Combat dolphins are the toys your grandmother bought you when you asked for ninja turtles.
A new dating game has started on Dutch TV called Adam Looking for Eve, in which contestants go on first dates completely naked.
It is what is known in America as Tinder.
A cat in Canada named Si has been named the world's shortest cat.
So better luck next time Kat Williams.
A woman in Florida filed a lawsuit against local police alleging she was forced to defecate in her front yard while they searched her house for meth.
And you'll never believe this, they found meth.
[ laughter .]
A chemistry grad student in Nebraska is creating a new perfume he calls eu de death, which mimics the smell of decaying flesh so people can avoid being eaten by zombies.
His professor is creating a new grade he calls f-minus.
Officials with the golden sheers world championships, which is the Olympics of sheep sheering say they still need more than 1,000 sheep for the competition.
Otherwise it is time for plan b.
, cats covered in cotton balls.
For "Weekend Update," I'm Cecily Strong.
I'm Colin Jost.
Good night.
ÃÂ So I told my boyfriend, listen up, you either lose her phone number or you lose me.
ÃÂ Damn right.
That's the typical man Preach that.
Excuse me, ladies.
I'm sorry to interrupt.
Nah uh! Now who is this punk? ÃÂ I was looking for the Brooklyn Savings Bank.
Waltzin' in here like he own the whole street! It's time to teach this boy a lesson.
ÃÂ I heard it was on -- Oh,yeah! -- Montague Street.
Mr.
Big stuff Who? Who do you think you are Mr.
Big Stuff? Are you referring to me? You're never gonna get my love I wasn't -- now because you wear all those fancy clothes This is $10.
And you have a big fine car Oh, yes you do Uh, no, I don't.
Do you think I can afford to give you my love? Oh, so you're like a prostitute? You think you're higher than every star above What? Mr.
Big Shot who do you think you are? I asked you for directions.
You're never going to get my love Now, I know all the girls I've seen you with a few You're talking about somebody else.
I can't fool around and get hurt by you You would destroy me.
[ laughter .]
You made 'em cry you made a poor girl cry She started it.
Try to keep you happy Try to keep you satisfied Mr.
Big Stuff Who the hell are you people!? Who do you think you are? Mr.
Big Stuff Did you rehearse this? You're never gonna get my love Okay, look, I feel like you girls are projecting a lot of your own weird issues on me.
I mean, the last thing I would consider myself is Mr.
Big Stuff.
You think you're some big shot No, I don't.
Yesterday I ate eggs for every single meal.
[ laughter .]
Three full meals of hot eggs.
No seasoning, just eggs, okay.
Mr.
Big Stuff You girls are awful.
Who do you think you are? Mr.
Big Stuff Okay, hold on.
Just stop for a second.
Listen, I'll tell you who I think I am, okay? You want to know who I am? I'm a 46-year-old divorced bald man.
When those Prilosec commercials go on, I go, shush, I want to see this.
And I have late onset albinoism, which means I'm just now becoming an albino, okay.
[ laughter .]
Mr.
Big Stuff -- No! Stop it! I'm an appropriately humble man.
I mean, this is a clip-on goatee.
I'm not even this cool.
So don't ever call me Mr.
Big Stuff.
Understood? I am Mr.
Medium Stuff at best.
Good day.
Hey, look, we're sorry, mister, we just got a little carried away.
Yeah, I think you just remind us of some of our boyfriends and we took out our frustrations on you.
Really? You mean, I seem like somebody you girls would date? Yeah, sure.
Maybe.
Like maybe all four of you at once? Ohh.
Come on, it was a joke.
Damn it.
Mr.
Big Stuff Who do you think you are? Mr.
Big stuff [ cheering and applause .]
ÃÂ Deep breath.
And one more.
Lungs sound good.
Okay.
How is the wife? Emily is good.
ÃÂ She complains that I work too much, but -- So, no chest pains, shortness of breath, nothing like that? No.
No, I just thought I'd get a physical.
This is for cholesterol check, if you can hit the lab on your way out.
Okay.
And you're all set.
All right, thank you, doctor.
Thank you very much.
Hey, Doc, just to be really safe, considering my age and all, I just wondered if maybe you don't want to check to see if there is a Darth Vader action figure in my butt? [ laughter .]
Do you have a Darth Vader action figure in your butt? Do I? No, I mean, why would I? Well the great thing is, you would know.
Right.
I would know.
Totally.
Okay.
Thank you very much, doctor.
I just -- if I had one, which I don't have, there is no way I have one up there, but if I did, medically speaking, wouldn't we want to know right now so we could get it out of there? Dan, did you put a Darth Vader in your butt? No, I'm married, Doc.
You know.
Right.
Thank you.
Thank you.
All right, adios, have a good one.
ÃÂ I noticed that you didn't leave.
Well I don't want to leave something like that to chance, right? I'm thinking what if -- what if -- ÃÂ Reggie, can I help you? Just mopping.
You're mopping carpet.
I couldn't help but overhear you guys talking.
You know, if you were going to check to see if there was a Darth Vader action figure in somebody's butt, then it wouldn't be too much more trouble to check two? Reggie, did you put a Darth Vader in your butt? I doubt it.
Why would I? You know, I'm not a freak like your patient here.
You know.
It's okay.
I was just passing by and heard some of what these guys said and as a doctor, I've got to say, what is the harm in checking? Thank you, Dale, I can handle my patients on my own.
And just to make sure you're doing it correctly, you should check my butt to see if there is a Darth Vader action figure in there first.
How's it going Dale? Dan, Reg.
Let's take care of it.
Janet, can you hold all of my appointments? Sure, sure.
And hey, while you are checking those guys out, do you mind dipping into my backzone and seeing what is up? Janet, do you have a Darth Vader in your butt? I'm a lady, but there could be a General Grievous.
All right, everybody, come on in.
Let's get it done.
Okay, good, good.
All right.
[ breathing .]
You guys are all set.
And none of you had Darth Vader action figures in your butts.
Great.
Thank you very much.
Thanks so much.
Thank you.
Thank you.
It's just better to know.
Thanks very much.
It is better to know.
It's better to know ÃÂ Okay, if that's how you feel, I'll have to tell that to my partner, Detective Brock.
Bye-bye, now.
Hello.
Brock, you're here.
I let myself in.
Were you on the phone? Yes.
That was the brother of the jewel thief we put behind bars.
How did he sound? Not happy.
Ha ha ha ha.
Ha ha ha ha.
Well here we are, both in our pajamas.
So I guess we're really going to do this to each other, make love? Well, that's what we did talk about and that's why we're both in our pajamas.
Well I just feel bad that we aren't married.
You're not.
That's true.
We talked about that, too, at the station.
I guess.
So how should we start this? Shall I just remove my pajamas now? I don't know, Brock, I'm not sure if I'm ready to see what's under your pajamas.
Well we talked about that, too.
If you're nervous, we could always do it through the pajamas.
Then you won't see much.
Oh, you mean like, cut holes in them? I have a hole in mine already.
You do? All pajamas do.
Not women's.
Maybe we should get started on that Reynolds case.
What do you think happened to all those women who disappeared? I don't want to think about that right now.
Hey, I just found these scissors over here in this drawer.
We could use these to cut some holes in your pajamas.
Holes? How many holes do we need to make love? ÃÂ How many holes are you okay with? [ laughter .]
I'm good with a lot of holes.
Well I don't want to cut my pajamas up.
Is it a matter of money? Because I'll reimburse you for the pajamas -- up to $100.
I don't want to be reimbursed, I want to be romanced.
Stop changing the subject.
Get down on the floor with me.
Let's start to do stuff to each other.
If we need any holes, we'll make them on the fly.
I'm sorry, Brock, I just don't want to rush into this.
Maybe we could just have a glass of wine and talk.
I don't like talking to you.
[ laughter .]
I want to get physical.
ÃÂ I'm sorry, maybe you should just go home, Brock.
You told me to come over here.
You begged me.
You said, bring your pajamas and make sure you drink a lot of pineapple juice.
Now why would you say that if you weren't going to follow through? I never said anything about pineapple juice.
I don't even know what that means? Well I do, and I did it.
I was planning on a very thrilling night.
Look out.
You will pay for what you did to my brother.
Now die! ÃÂ Out you go.
Done and done.
Oh, you didn't even help.
You didn't look like you needed it much.
So, how are we going to do this? Do you mean -- Sure.
As long as it doesn't affect our working relationship.
Oh, it won't, I promise.
Okay.
Two holes.
And I get to pick where.
I love you.
[ cheering and applause .]
You're watching Detective TV.
At nine, it's Good Cop, Jive Cop.
But first it's time for your favorite crime fighting duo.
ÃÂ They are tough as nails.
They are serving justice.
They are unstoppable.
[ sirens .]
They are the best cops in Chicago.
They are Dyke and Fats, starring Dutch Plains as Officer Les Dykawitz , and Velvy O'Malley as Officer Chubbina Fatzarelli.
They're kicking crime to the curb, and they're doing it damn well.
They are Dyke -- and Fats.
ÃÂ Well, it looks like you've done it again, the city of Chicago can sleep safe tonight.
ÃÂ You hear that, Dyke? We done did it again.
I couldn't have done it without you, Fats.
Yeah, good going Dyke and Fats.
ÃÂ You don't get to call us that! Only we get to say it! Those are our words! Our words.
We love each other.
We get to say it.
We're friends.
No! ÃÂ Once again, Sam Smith.
[ applause .]
ÃÂ I do, yes, I do, believe That one day I will be where I was right there, right next to you And it's hard The days just seem so dark The moon and the stars are nothing without you You're touch, your skin, where Do I begin no words can explain the way I'm missing you The night, this Emptiness this hole that I'm inside these tears They tell their story You told me not to cry when you were gone But the feelings is Overwhelming, it's much too strong Can I lay by your side Next to you, you and make sure your alright your alright I'll take care of you and I Don't want to be here if I can't be with you tonight I'm reaching out to you Can you hear my call This hurt that I've been through, I'm missing you missing you like crazy ÃÂ You told me not to cry when you were gone but the feeling's overwhelming it's much too strong Can I lay by your side next to you and make sure you're all right I'll take care of you I don't want to be Here if I can't be with you tonight lay me down tonight Lay me by your side Lay me down tonight and lay by your side can I lay by your side Next to you, you-ou [ cheering and applause .]
ÃÂ What's up, everybody, I'm Chris Fitzpatrick, and I'm running for ASB class president.
One thing I want to change is the music they play at lunch.
All I ever hear is rap music and that bubble gum boy band crap.
Christina Crapulera.
If I'm elected president, I'm going to play good ass music.
Some Verge of Consciousness, Temporary Flawed, One Last Breath, and all of those bands.
And plus I know some of the guys in the band so I can probably get them to play our school.
Just because you get good grades doesn't mean that you're smart.
I'm actually really smart, but I don't do good on tests and pop quizes because I have concentration issues.
ÃÂ When I was in middle school I wrote 28 poems, and now since I entered high school, I've written over 60.
I want to put together a collection of my poems and then I want to sell it to everybody, but if you if you vote for me, you get a discount.
We need more clubs, maybe movie clubs where we watch good movies like Lock Stock and Kids, stuff like that.
ÃÂ Or maybe a guitar-based drum club or a CD club where you make CDs and stickers.
My girlfriend Allie doesn't go to our school because she lives in a different zoning area then Kentwood.
But if you elect me president, Allie is allowed to go to our school.
Vending machines.
We need more of them.
Hell, if I'm president, I'll even spike the water fountain with vodka.
ÃÂ A little bit about me.
I have a dog at home.
He's part German Shepherd and his name is Sammy.
I don't like extra stuff on my hamburgers.
Just plain.
No vegetables or pickles, I'm a simple guy.
I lost my virginity when I was 16, but had done other stuff before that.
I'm friends with black, Asians and Mexicans.
I don't see color when I look at a person.
But no offense, whites make the best music.
So vote for me for ASB class president.
And don't vote for Daniel Nguyen 'cause he's never even smoked a cigarette.
ÃÂ Oh, boy, here goes.
[ knocking .]
Dave, what are you doing here? Hello, Stacy, I have something to say.
ÃÂ You know what, it's too late, Dave.
Alright, we're through.
Just hear me out and then I'll be out of your life forever.
All right.
You have three minutes.
Look, before you kick me to the curb, I just want you to know that I'm sorry.
I'm sorry for how I treated you.
I lied, I got jealous, I didn't put your feelings first.
Dave.
And look, Stacy, maybe you're right.
Maybe I am crazy.
I know I'm not a perfect man.
But I don't care about any of that stuff.
I don't care who didn't do the dishes.
I don't care who said what first.
Oh, Dave.
And if you don't hear anything else I say today, if you hear nothing else, at least hear this.
Baby Jessica is still in that well and we're the only ones who can stop her.
What? Every minute she's in there she's getting more and more pissed off.
I was like, just about to drive off with you.
All I know is this, I want you to be the last person I see before I slip into a coma and the first person I see when I get to hell.
[ laughter .]
So you want me to die while you're in a coma.
Shhh-shut up.
These Stacy, these bags, this is everything I own.
I need you to hide it for me.
There's plans for a theme park to rival Disney World.
Heck, it might even rival Disneyland.
Okay, you know what, they smell like calamari.
Stacy, it's not about the bags, it's not about me, it's not about you, it's about the bags.
[ laughter .]
Stacy, sweet Stacy, you make me want to be a better man.
What did you just say? I said you make me want to be a better man.
Why are you saying it like that? It's how I say it, Stacy.
It is how I've always said it.
Lobo Lands.
The theme park, it's called Lobo Lands.
It is a pet cemetery but for people.
[ laughter .]
That's just a cemetery.
Shhh -- Shut up.
Look, I guess in the end I'm just a boy, looking for a girl, to ask her for $15,000.
No, no.
[ laughter .]
Stacy, when you meet someone special, you can just look into their eyes and you just know you have something to live for.
And for me, that person is Robbie.
[ laughter .]
Hi.
Sure he may not be a good man, but he has a good heart and he's still a hu-man.
So maybe I am crazy, but let me ask you this, is it crazy to love someone so much that you try to kill them? 100%.
Well then lock me up, because that is the very thing I came here to -- Shhh-shut up, okay.
Dave, you dumb psycho.
You had me at Lobo Land.
ÃÂ How good is Sam Smith, everybody? [ cheers and applause .]
I want to thank Lorne for bringing me back.
I had a wonderful week.
I want to thank everybody on the floor here.
Jenna and Wally, and Phil who lights this place so beautifully.
This is a great group.
And how about this cast? What a great cast.
The writers are working hard and they made a great show and I'm very grateful to be here.
Thank you very much, everybody, for being here also.
Good night.
Thank you.
[ cheers and applause .]
ÃÂ
The credit goes to Mara, our social media expert, she brought us your Galifianakis thing and the idea to post your NCAA bracket online.
Oh, Mr.
President, it was just an honor to be involved.
Mara was also behind viral sensations like planking and icanhascheezeburger.
And after we're through everybody's gonna be saying Icanhashealthcare.
Well let's keep it going.
The deadline to sign up is on Monday.
Sir, I think if you trust Mara, she'll get you at least ten million new sign-ups on healthcare.
gov in the next 48 hours.
Great.
What do we need to do? Let's start with Instagram.
The White House account is mostly pictures of you meeting the leader of Ukraine and talking to school kids -- [ snoring .]
So let's do something totally viral.
Come on in, guys.
What we're going to do is you're going to hold this healthcare.
gov sign and we'll give you Pharrell's hat and an e-cigarette to vape on.
Buzzfeed is going to eat this up.
I don't know, Mike, this seems to be sending off the wrong -- I don't think we should do this.
And three, two, one.
Okay, got it.
Mr.
President, there's millions of people out there who need health care.
You're the one who wanted to do this.
Okay.
Put it up.
Great.
Let's move on to Twitter.
Ellen DeGeneres broke your record for most retweeted photo of all time.
Today we want to take it back with a photo that's supes buzzy.
Let's bring in Kim Kardashian, Harry Styles, a cat dressed like Princess Elsa from Frozen, and Batkid.
Hello.
I love history.
You know.
Hey, you're the president, right? Are you like on money? Why did they take my phone away from me? Three, two, one.
Got it.
That was so weird.
I'm just like, what room is this? This place is like crazy, this is like the Marley Simmons' house.
I don't even know what's happening, you guys.
I'm not sure about this.
Good news.
That photo from Instagram has been faved 152,000 times.
But isn't it a little silly? Mr.
President, I'll tell what you is silly.
Right now there is a pregnant woman in Denver who has no health insurance.
That is silly.
Okay.
Fine.
Post it.
All right.
So moving on.
You know who is hot right now? The pope.
So lets get him in here.
Your holiness.
ÃÂ You got Pope Francis? Yeah.
We met at Bonnaroo.
He loves affordable healthcare.
Thank you so much for coming.
It's no problemo.
For the next video, it is going to be a vine video and we want to see you dancing the na-na.
Alright, hit it.
I don't know.
It seems to send the wrong message.
I don't think we should -- Three, two -- okay, got it.
Mike, I really think we should hold off on sending that.
Mr.
President, right now there is a child in Little Rock and he wants to see a day where everyone has affordable health insurance but he can't.
And you know why? Because he was born without eyes.
All right.
All right.
Fine, go ahead and post it.
Anything else? Actually there is one more photo we think will be huge, if you're up for it.
Yeah, we want you to kiss Justin Bieber on the lips.
Excuse me.
No way.
Sir, let me tell you a story.
I recently met a 10-year-old girl in St.
Louis who no health insurance.
She has a heart of gold.
It's a rare and horrible condition.
Her heart is made of gold.
She needs healthcare, Mr.
President.
All right, fine.
Let's do it.
Come on in, Justin.
[ applause .]
[ laughter .]
I guess I'll kiss the president.
President probably doesn't want to kiss me.
Who would want to kiss this stupid old face? [ laughter .]
All right.
All right.
Okay.
[ laughter .]
Oh, my gosh.
That was beautiful.
Sir, you made history.
You think so? Well then, live from New York, it's Saturday Night.
ÃÂ ANNOUNCER: It's "Saturday Night Live" with Vanessa Bayer ÃÂ Aidy Bryant Taran Killam Kate McKinnon Bobby Moynihan Nasim Pedrad Jay Pharoah Cecily Strong Kenan Thompson featuring Beck Bennett Colin Jost John Milhiser Kyle Mooney Mike O'Brien Noel Wells Brooks Wheelan Sasheer Zamata ÃÂ musical guest, Sam Smith.
And your host Louis C.
K.
ÃÂ Ladies and gentlemen, Louis C.
K.
[ cheering and applause .]
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
[ cheering and applause .]
Why, thank you.
Okay.
That's very nice.
I hope somebody does that for you some day.
[ laughter .]
That was a very nice thing.
I hope you had a good day.
All I could do about it is hope.
I had a pretty good day.
I went out shopping for some things I needed and now I don't need them because I got them.
I got a white noise machine.
Do you know what those are? It is a machine that helps white people sleep at night.
It shouldn't be able to.
I am hungry.
I'm a little hungry.
I mean I feel hungry.
I think Americans shouldn't say I'm hungry.
You should say I feel hungry.
If you ate today, you shouldn't say I'm hungry.
Hunger is a real thing.
I don't have third world hunger, I have first world hunger.
I would like a donut.
[ laughter .]
Some people say I'm starving.
That's offensive.
I'm starving.
I haven't eaten since 2:00, I'm starving.
Don't say that.
Because some people are starving and they don't say it.
You never see a little kid in Africa with his ribs showing saying, I am, like, starving right now.
I'm, like, literally starving to death.
It's, like, annoying.
ÃÂ I have two kids.
I went to my daughter's play the other day.
I don't know if you have kids, but there is no more joyful feeling in the human experience than when a child's play is over.
[ laughter .]
Nothing feels that good.
When you can say I am not watching that any longer.
Every second my daughter is on stage, I can't breathe because I'm so proud of her, but this is a bad show.
[ laughter .]
They worked really hard and it didn't make it good.
[ laughter .]
I'm glad I'm raising girls, though, because boys -- I don't like boys.
I just don't like boys.
That is probably a good thing to say.
I don't like boys.
I mean, I don't think women are better than men, but I do think that men are worse than women.
[ laughter .]
We just have -- like I was talking to my friend and he said his girlfriend is mad at him and I said what happened.
Well, I guess I said something and then she got her feelings hurt.
That is a weird way to phrase it.
She got her feelings hurt.
I said something and then she -- could you more remove yourself from responsibility? She got her feelings hurt.
It is like saying, yeah, I shot this guy in the face and then I guess he got himself murdered.
[ laughter .]
I just shot -- he leaned into it.
I didn't know.
[ laughter .]
I've never been murdered.
[ laughter .]
I'm going to die some day.
I accept that.
I don't know what happens afterwards.
Some people say you go to heaven.
I'm totally going to heaven.
By the way, this is the only voice I know how to do.
That is the only voice I have.
I can't do impressions.
This is my impression of the president.
I'm the first black president.
ÃÂ I'm like, literally, the first black president.
[ laughter .]
Do you guys think there is a heaven? If you believe you're going to heaven, clap if you think you're going to heaven.
You think you're going to heaven? Yes.
Really.
How old are you? 21.
And you're a lock for heaven already.
Been a grown-up for three years, you couldn't possibly make a mistake.
Well good luck.
Personally, I don't think there is a heaven.
I think maybe there's a God, but there's no heaven.
That is the best news you get.
You die and you're like, hey God, where is heaven? And he's like, I don't know who's telling people that.
I'm supposed to make a universe and then another whole amazing place for afterwards? You guys are greedy dicks down there.
[ laughter .]
Well, where do I go? Just stand in this room with me now.
I don't like it.
Tell me about it, I've been here since 1983 or whatever.
I don't know when God started.
I'm not religious.
I don't know if there is a God.
I just say I don't know.
Some people say they know there isn't.
That is a weird thing to think you can know.
Are you sure there is no God? Yeah, no, there's no God.
How do you know? 'cause I didn't see him.
There's a vast universe.
You can see for about 100 yards when there's not a building in the way.
Did you look everywhere? Did you look in the downstairs bathroom? Where have you looked so far? I haven't seen 12 Years a Slave yet, it doesn't mean it doesn't exist.
I'm waiting until it comes on cable.
I think if there is a God, I don't know if it's the one in the Bible, 'cause that's a weird story.
He's our father, and we're his children, that is it.
Our father who art in heaven.
Where is our mother? What happened to our mom? [ laughter .]
What did he do to our mom? [ laughter .]
Something happened.
Somewhere in heaven there is a porch with a dead lady under it and I want the story.
Somebody needs to check the trunk of God's car, for bleach and rope and fibers.
Well how can we not have a mother? At least maybe God is divorced.
Maybe he has an ex-wife.
God is a single dad and he's raising us alone and we're praying, and he's like, I'm trying but it's just me up here.
Maybe that is what is going on.
Maybe your life is your time -- this is our weekend with dad.
That is what life is.
Your weekend.
And then when you die you go to mom's house.
[ laughter .]
It makes sense that God would be a woman, doesn't it? Because you are raised by your mom.
I think the reason we made God a man in our culture because we want to make sense that men are in charge.
Because otherwise it doesn't make sense.
You start with a woman.
It is like what comes first? The chicken or the egg? Of course it is the egg.
You can't just make a chicken.
You have to start with an egg and grow a chicken.
ÃÂ And then people say where did the egg come from? From a chicken, you idiot.
[ applause .]
Women birthed us and raised us and so why aren't they running things? I think I know why.
Because millions of years ago women were in charge and they were mean and horrible and they would make us walk around naked and flick your penis when you walk by.
They were awful.
But what could you do? It's your mom and her friends.
And then one guy punched his mom and we're like, we can hit them and then we did the whole thing.
But that is why men are mean to women today, because we're terrified of them.
That is why -- we didn't give the women the vote until 1920, that means American democracy is 94 years old.
There are three people in my building older than American democracy.
That is how -- women have had a rough time.
It was so okay to beat your wife until so recently that today we have a kind of shirt named after it.
[ laughter .]
There is a piece of clothing in our culture affectionately nicknamed after beating the crap out of your wife.
And for some reason, this is offensive to nobody.
[ laughter .]
I saw a woman on Good Morning America, she said, my husband is walking around the house in a wife beater.
I'm like, stop saying it like it's not horrible.
He's wearing a wife beater and child murder shorts tonight.
Like so cute.
We have a great show.
Sam Smith is here.
[ cheering and applause .]
We'll be right back.
ÃÂ This is Black Jeopardy.
What up, what up, what up? Welcome to Black Jeopardy.
I'm your host, Alex Treblack.
No, I'm just playing.
I'm Darnell Haynes.
Now it is the 50th anniversary so we finally got our own.
Our contestants are Amir.
How you doin'? Keeley.
What's up? And Mark.
Surprised to see you, Mark Yes, well I'm a professor of African-American studies at Brigham-Young University.
I just decided, well, I'll give this a try.
[ laughter .]
Okay.
I guess we'll see.
Let's take a look at the categories.
We got, "It's been a minute.
" "That girl.
" "On punishment.
" "Had that been me.
" "White people.
" And "Pssh.
" ÃÂ Amir, you're our returning champ.
You pick.
ÃÂ Okay, so I'll take "That girl" for 200.
All right, here is the clue.
She think she cute.
[ buzzer .]
Keeley? Who is Monique? That's it.
[ laughter .]
"That girl" for 400.
She do hair.
[ buzzer .]
Keeley? Alizay Oh, I'm sorry, you got to state your answer in the form of a question.
Okay, Alizay? [ laughter and applause .]
ÃÂ There you go.
[ applause .]
Can I ask something, are there any questions about black history? ÃÂ Hey, man, relax.
What we got is what we got.
Okay.
Just try and play, you might win some money.
Okay, sure.
Keeley.
Let's go to "It's been a minute.
" Okay, here's the clue.
It's been a minute since he came home.
[ buzzer .]
Amir? Who is Rico? Yes.
All right, cool.
I'll take "It's been a minute" for 400.
Okay.
It's been a minute since he got a job.
[ buzzer .]
Mark? Who is an unemployed fellow- black? [ laughter .]
That's probably the wrong answer.
[ laughter .]
All right.
Amir it's still you.
Let's try "Pssh" for 200.
Okay.
Alicia wants to use you as a job reference.
[ buzzer .]
Amir? Oh, what is pssh, good luck with that? Yeah, you got that one.
[ laughter .]
You got that right.
ÃÂ Okay cool.
Let 's do "Pssh" for 4.
Okay.
Chase Bank says ou have money but you can't use it until tomorrow.
[ buzzer .]
Amir? What is, pssh you better give me my $17? [ laughter .]
There you go.
You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? Who are you to keep my money? All right, cool.
Let's do "Pssh" for 600.
Okay, Rahim wants to borrow your bike to go to the store right quick? [ buzzer .]
Mark? What is pssh, no way, Jose.
[ laughter .]
What? That is close at least, right? Let's just move on and hear about today's prizes.
Johnny.
Thanks, Darnell.
Today's "Black Jeopardy" winner will receive the new TV by Set it There.
Flat screen TV with no stand and no wall.
ÃÂ You better not put a hole in my wall.
Get your whole security deposit back.
And antique furniture by Don't you bring that in my house.
Armoires, mirrors, and old trunks.
Is there a ghost in there? You'll never know, with don't bring that in my house.
Back to you.
ÃÂ All right, Amir, the board is still yours.
Okay, let's go for "Had that been me" for 200.
Okay, had that been me, I'd still be hitting that.
[ buzzer .]
Amir? Who is Robin Thicke? You damn right.
[ laughter .]
[ cheers and applause .]
Let's do "Had that been me" for 400? Okay.
Had that been me, I would have whooped his ass when he was young.
[ buzzer .]
Keeley? Who is Justin Bieber? Absolutely.
Absolutely.
He ain't grown.
He ain't grown.
"Had that been me" for 800? Had that been me, I wouldn't have been around them dogs in the first place.
[ buzzer .]
Mark? Who is Michael Vick? No.
[ laughter .]
No.
Anybody else? I'm sorry, Mark, we were looking for Sarah McLaughlin.
[ laughter .]
I mean, come on.
You mean Sarah McLaughlin.
Okay, fine.
Mark, the board is yours.
Okay.
Good.
Let's please go over to "White people" for 200.
Your call.
Okay, white people are always lying about this? [ buzzer .]
Mark? What is, we don't have any money? [ laughter .]
Yes.
But the truth is we would have accepted any answer.
[ laughter .]
Okay.
Well, great.
Let's keep going.
White people for 600 please.
Oh, I'm sorry, there is the final bell.
As usual we started late so we're going to go on to final Black Jeopardy.
Here is today's category? Rap songs that begins with the letter n.
" [ laughter .]
You'll be answering that when we come back.
Watch yourself, Mark.
We'll be right back with "Black Jeopardy.
" [ cheers and applause .]
ÃÂ And this is Mr.
Patterson's office.
Come on, honey, I want you to meet him.
I'm kind of nervous.
You're always talking about what a genius your boss is.
You'll be fine.
But before you meet him, keep in mind he's one of the most powerful CEOs in America, he's a scratch golfer, and he has the body of a baby.
The body of a baby? Mr.
Patterson, excuse me.
Just a sec.
Got to finish these filings.
Tax season always sneaks up on me.
All right.
Philip, what can I do you for? I just wanted to introduce you to my wife Karen.
Oh, well let me come over and say hi.
Not every day I get to say hi to the VP that I love the most.
[ laughter .]
This is Karen.
Philip, you never told me your wife was so beautiful.
My, well, thank you Mr.
Patterson and you are also a handsome man.
[ laughter .]
Thank you very much.
Listen, I hope it doesn't embarrass you but we heard it was your birthday, so we brought you a little something.
Oh, wow, just what I asked for.
A box.
[ laughter .]
See I told you he would love it, honey.
Absolutely.
I absolutely love.
[ laughter .]
You know, Mr.
Patterson and I actually went to college together.
He was a senior when I was a freshman.
It's true.
We were in the same fraternity.
Do you remember the secret handshake? Remember it? I made it up.
Ready? Yep.
[ laughter .]
Delta! Mr.
Patterson, Darlene brought in a cake for your birthday.
Oh, wow, well tell Darlene thank you and my cholesterol says you're fired.
[ laughter .]
Mmm.
Philip, Karen, you have to try this.
It's delicious.
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
That's really good.
It's delicious.
And listen, Mr.
Patterson, do you mind if we talk for a second? Just you and me.
Sure.
What better time than now? [ laughter .]
Karen, would you just give us a moment? Of course.
I would love to leave.
Let's have a seat.
Mr.
Patterson, what I'm about to say to you might come as a shock.
Oh, no, I'm getting scared.
Do you mind? No, go right ahead.
All right.
Lay it on me.
Okay.
Now listen, as you know my wife is from Tulsa.
Love Tulsa.
Okay, and after tax season is over I've decided to take a new job there.
ÃÂ What? I'm leaving.
No, no! [ laughter .]
It's okay.
It's okay.
I don't like this at all.
I have to think about this for a minute.
It's okay.
Listen, think about the good times Mr.
Patterson.
[ laughter .]
It's been you and me.
Okay, enough.
You always were the funny one around here, weren't you, Philip.
I'm going to miss your jokes.
Let's see what Mr.
Stapler has to say about that.
I'm going to miss you, too, and I love you so much.
What the hell are you doing? I'm a grown man.
Sorry, sir.
Is there any way I can make it up to you? ÃÂ Well, if you would wave that box around just out of my reach, I think I would like that a great deal.
I would be happy to.
Like that? I'm going to need a letter of recommendation, sir? Anything you need.
[ cheers and applause .]
ÃÂ I've got kids and you know what that means? Spills, and lots of 'em.
Mom.
Uh oh.
Darn it.
I spend a lot of my time cleaning up messes so I need something that's absorbent and affordable.
So what do I reach for? A suit from Joseph A.
Bank.
With their innovative buy one get three free pricing, a suit from Joseph A.
Bank is effectively cheaper than paper towels.
And now they come in these easy to use dispensers.
With four suits for the price of a modest dinner, I can feel good about throwing them away when I'm done.
They're good for any job around the house.
Like pet stains, soaking up grease.
Even diapers for your little ones.
And plus, they make great kindling.
It's so flammable.
And talk about absorbent.
A regular paper towel disintegrates under liquid, but a Joseph A.
Bank suit disintegrates with no liquid at all.
The only downside, keeping my husband's suit straight.
That one's got spaghetti on it.
[ laughter .]
Joseph A.
Bank.
Quantity, guaranteed.
[ cheers and applause .]
ÃÂ Ladies and gentlemen, Sam Smith.
[ applause .]
ÃÂ I guess it's true I'm not good at a one night stand but I still need love 'cause I'm just a man These nights never seem to go to plan I don't want you to leave will you hold my hand? Won't you stay with me cause you're all I need this ain't love it's clear to see but, darling, stay with me Why am I so emotional? No, it's not a good look gain some self-control And deep down I know this never works but you can lay with me so it doesn't hurt Won't you stay with me? Cause you're all I need this ain't love it's clear to see but, darling, stay with me Whooa, oooh oooh, ooooh Won't you stay with me? Cause you're all I need ÃÂ This ain't love it's clear to see but, darling, stay with me Won't you stay with me? Cause you're all I need it ain't love it's clear to see but, darling, stay with me But, darling, stay with me but, darling, stay with me ÃÂ [ cheering and applause .]
ÃÂ ANNOUNCER: "Weekend Update" with Cecily Strong and Colin Jost.
[ cheers and applause .]
Good evening.
I'm Colin Jost.
I'm Cecily Strong.
And here are tonight's top stories.
Russian president Vladimir Putin on Friday called President Obama to discuss a solution to the crisis in Ukraine.
And both agreed to a meeting of their top diplomats.
Then Obama nearly botched it by accidentally ending the phone call with, "Love you, bye.
" President Obama on Thursday met for the first time with Pope Francis at the Vatican where the pope gave Obama a copy of his book, "The Joy of the Gospel.
" and told him, "This is for when you're bored.
" adding, "There is weed inside.
" A report on the bridgegate scandal which was compiled by a team picked by New Jersey governor Chris Christie was released Thursday and clears the governor of any wrongdoing.
And you can totally trust it because it was fact-checked by independent investigator, Trish Tristie.
Georgia this week will vote on a sweeping new law that will allow guns in bars, schools, restaurants and airports.
You know, basically anywhere people get angry.
Lawmakers will have the option of voting nay or "bang, bang, bang, bang.
" In an interview this week.
"Duck Dynasty" star Willie Robertson said he'd like to take President Obama duck hunting with him.
Or as it is also known, a trap.
ÃÂ It was reported this week that male students in North Korea are being forced to have their hair cut just like Kim Jong-un.
In other words, by a blind person.
ÃÂ The NCAA tournament continued tonight as both Florida and Wisconsin made it to the final four.
Here with his take is the always outspoken Stephen A.
Smith.
[ cheers and applause .]
Colin, it is good to see you, brother.
Hi, Stephen.
Now a lot of the experts are picking Michigan State to win it all after they beat Virginia last night.
What do you think? Well Colin, don't be disrespectful.
Dick Vitale and I are good friends, but what he's saying is blasphemous.
Well, they've got a great coach in Tom Izzo.
Well, Colin, it pains me to say this because Tom Izzo is a friend of mine.
Really? Yes.
A dear friend.
We go to pilates class together.
Tom Izzo's picture is the wallpaper on my iPhone.
If I ever want to call him, I just ask Siri to complete me.
But Tom Izzo and the rest of the players on the Michigan State basketball team are not making it out of the first round.
They are already in the elite eight.
Okay, I guess we'll have to agree to disagree.
Well some teams have struggled.
Duke was a three seed and lost to Mercer in the opening round.
Do you think Coach Mike Krzyzewski did everything he could to prepare the team? Well, Colin, hate to say this because because Duke coach Mike Krzyzewski is a dear, dear friend.
Coach K.
is a dear friend? Oh, yes.
We tight.
ÃÂ Coach K.
and I share candle-lit Lean Cuisine dinners on my forehead.
We call each other whenever the movie Sleepless in Seattle is on.
And we have to watch the rest together while talking on the phone.
That can't be true.
It's true.
He's a hall of fame coach.
But come tournament time, Coach K.
should be nowhere near a basketball team.
Okay.
Well a lot of people are following Kentucky's team, they just beat Louisville.
Do you think freshman Julius Randle could take the team all of the way? Colin, I'd love to say yes because Julius and I are dear, dear friends.
Oh, come on.
He's 19 years old.
I was the nurse when he was born.
I breast fed him so his single mother could hold down two jobs.
Later we backpacked across Europe together.
We were gypsies, tramps, and thieves.
We had a memorable summer together, each taking turns sharing one magical pair of pants.
[ laughter .]
But Julius Randle in the and the Kentucky Wildcats have no chance of winning this tournament than I do of winning a gold medal in women's figure skating.
[ laughter .]
Fine, then who do you predict will win the tournament? When this started, I picked Wichita State to win it all.
And I'm still picking Wichita State.
A lot of experts will tell you they were eliminated from the tournament and their season is over, but I have a feeling and mark my words, that Wichita State will come back to win the entire NCAA tournament in the NBA championship.
Mark it down.
Hallelujah.
Stephen S.
Smith, everybody.
[ applause .]
A new report shows that since 2010 the population of New York City has grown by 380,000 people and almost a million street Elmos.
A new Star Trek themed beer is being introduced called Warnog.
It is perfect for anyone who doesn't want to live long or prosper.
It was reported this week that with Russia's annexation of Crimea, the country now has control over the Ukraine navy's combat dolphin program.
Combat dolphins are the toys your grandmother bought you when you asked for ninja turtles.
A new dating game has started on Dutch TV called Adam Looking for Eve, in which contestants go on first dates completely naked.
It is what is known in America as Tinder.
A cat in Canada named Si has been named the world's shortest cat.
So better luck next time Kat Williams.
A woman in Florida filed a lawsuit against local police alleging she was forced to defecate in her front yard while they searched her house for meth.
And you'll never believe this, they found meth.
[ laughter .]
A chemistry grad student in Nebraska is creating a new perfume he calls eu de death, which mimics the smell of decaying flesh so people can avoid being eaten by zombies.
His professor is creating a new grade he calls f-minus.
Officials with the golden sheers world championships, which is the Olympics of sheep sheering say they still need more than 1,000 sheep for the competition.
Otherwise it is time for plan b.
, cats covered in cotton balls.
For "Weekend Update," I'm Cecily Strong.
I'm Colin Jost.
Good night.
ÃÂ So I told my boyfriend, listen up, you either lose her phone number or you lose me.
ÃÂ Damn right.
That's the typical man Preach that.
Excuse me, ladies.
I'm sorry to interrupt.
Nah uh! Now who is this punk? ÃÂ I was looking for the Brooklyn Savings Bank.
Waltzin' in here like he own the whole street! It's time to teach this boy a lesson.
ÃÂ I heard it was on -- Oh,yeah! -- Montague Street.
Mr.
Big stuff Who? Who do you think you are Mr.
Big Stuff? Are you referring to me? You're never gonna get my love I wasn't -- now because you wear all those fancy clothes This is $10.
And you have a big fine car Oh, yes you do Uh, no, I don't.
Do you think I can afford to give you my love? Oh, so you're like a prostitute? You think you're higher than every star above What? Mr.
Big Shot who do you think you are? I asked you for directions.
You're never going to get my love Now, I know all the girls I've seen you with a few You're talking about somebody else.
I can't fool around and get hurt by you You would destroy me.
[ laughter .]
You made 'em cry you made a poor girl cry She started it.
Try to keep you happy Try to keep you satisfied Mr.
Big Stuff Who the hell are you people!? Who do you think you are? Mr.
Big Stuff Did you rehearse this? You're never gonna get my love Okay, look, I feel like you girls are projecting a lot of your own weird issues on me.
I mean, the last thing I would consider myself is Mr.
Big Stuff.
You think you're some big shot No, I don't.
Yesterday I ate eggs for every single meal.
[ laughter .]
Three full meals of hot eggs.
No seasoning, just eggs, okay.
Mr.
Big Stuff You girls are awful.
Who do you think you are? Mr.
Big Stuff Okay, hold on.
Just stop for a second.
Listen, I'll tell you who I think I am, okay? You want to know who I am? I'm a 46-year-old divorced bald man.
When those Prilosec commercials go on, I go, shush, I want to see this.
And I have late onset albinoism, which means I'm just now becoming an albino, okay.
[ laughter .]
Mr.
Big Stuff -- No! Stop it! I'm an appropriately humble man.
I mean, this is a clip-on goatee.
I'm not even this cool.
So don't ever call me Mr.
Big Stuff.
Understood? I am Mr.
Medium Stuff at best.
Good day.
Hey, look, we're sorry, mister, we just got a little carried away.
Yeah, I think you just remind us of some of our boyfriends and we took out our frustrations on you.
Really? You mean, I seem like somebody you girls would date? Yeah, sure.
Maybe.
Like maybe all four of you at once? Ohh.
Come on, it was a joke.
Damn it.
Mr.
Big Stuff Who do you think you are? Mr.
Big stuff [ cheering and applause .]
ÃÂ Deep breath.
And one more.
Lungs sound good.
Okay.
How is the wife? Emily is good.
ÃÂ She complains that I work too much, but -- So, no chest pains, shortness of breath, nothing like that? No.
No, I just thought I'd get a physical.
This is for cholesterol check, if you can hit the lab on your way out.
Okay.
And you're all set.
All right, thank you, doctor.
Thank you very much.
Hey, Doc, just to be really safe, considering my age and all, I just wondered if maybe you don't want to check to see if there is a Darth Vader action figure in my butt? [ laughter .]
Do you have a Darth Vader action figure in your butt? Do I? No, I mean, why would I? Well the great thing is, you would know.
Right.
I would know.
Totally.
Okay.
Thank you very much, doctor.
I just -- if I had one, which I don't have, there is no way I have one up there, but if I did, medically speaking, wouldn't we want to know right now so we could get it out of there? Dan, did you put a Darth Vader in your butt? No, I'm married, Doc.
You know.
Right.
Thank you.
Thank you.
All right, adios, have a good one.
ÃÂ I noticed that you didn't leave.
Well I don't want to leave something like that to chance, right? I'm thinking what if -- what if -- ÃÂ Reggie, can I help you? Just mopping.
You're mopping carpet.
I couldn't help but overhear you guys talking.
You know, if you were going to check to see if there was a Darth Vader action figure in somebody's butt, then it wouldn't be too much more trouble to check two? Reggie, did you put a Darth Vader in your butt? I doubt it.
Why would I? You know, I'm not a freak like your patient here.
You know.
It's okay.
I was just passing by and heard some of what these guys said and as a doctor, I've got to say, what is the harm in checking? Thank you, Dale, I can handle my patients on my own.
And just to make sure you're doing it correctly, you should check my butt to see if there is a Darth Vader action figure in there first.
How's it going Dale? Dan, Reg.
Let's take care of it.
Janet, can you hold all of my appointments? Sure, sure.
And hey, while you are checking those guys out, do you mind dipping into my backzone and seeing what is up? Janet, do you have a Darth Vader in your butt? I'm a lady, but there could be a General Grievous.
All right, everybody, come on in.
Let's get it done.
Okay, good, good.
All right.
[ breathing .]
You guys are all set.
And none of you had Darth Vader action figures in your butts.
Great.
Thank you very much.
Thanks so much.
Thank you.
Thank you.
It's just better to know.
Thanks very much.
It is better to know.
It's better to know ÃÂ Okay, if that's how you feel, I'll have to tell that to my partner, Detective Brock.
Bye-bye, now.
Hello.
Brock, you're here.
I let myself in.
Were you on the phone? Yes.
That was the brother of the jewel thief we put behind bars.
How did he sound? Not happy.
Ha ha ha ha.
Ha ha ha ha.
Well here we are, both in our pajamas.
So I guess we're really going to do this to each other, make love? Well, that's what we did talk about and that's why we're both in our pajamas.
Well I just feel bad that we aren't married.
You're not.
That's true.
We talked about that, too, at the station.
I guess.
So how should we start this? Shall I just remove my pajamas now? I don't know, Brock, I'm not sure if I'm ready to see what's under your pajamas.
Well we talked about that, too.
If you're nervous, we could always do it through the pajamas.
Then you won't see much.
Oh, you mean like, cut holes in them? I have a hole in mine already.
You do? All pajamas do.
Not women's.
Maybe we should get started on that Reynolds case.
What do you think happened to all those women who disappeared? I don't want to think about that right now.
Hey, I just found these scissors over here in this drawer.
We could use these to cut some holes in your pajamas.
Holes? How many holes do we need to make love? ÃÂ How many holes are you okay with? [ laughter .]
I'm good with a lot of holes.
Well I don't want to cut my pajamas up.
Is it a matter of money? Because I'll reimburse you for the pajamas -- up to $100.
I don't want to be reimbursed, I want to be romanced.
Stop changing the subject.
Get down on the floor with me.
Let's start to do stuff to each other.
If we need any holes, we'll make them on the fly.
I'm sorry, Brock, I just don't want to rush into this.
Maybe we could just have a glass of wine and talk.
I don't like talking to you.
[ laughter .]
I want to get physical.
ÃÂ I'm sorry, maybe you should just go home, Brock.
You told me to come over here.
You begged me.
You said, bring your pajamas and make sure you drink a lot of pineapple juice.
Now why would you say that if you weren't going to follow through? I never said anything about pineapple juice.
I don't even know what that means? Well I do, and I did it.
I was planning on a very thrilling night.
Look out.
You will pay for what you did to my brother.
Now die! ÃÂ Out you go.
Done and done.
Oh, you didn't even help.
You didn't look like you needed it much.
So, how are we going to do this? Do you mean -- Sure.
As long as it doesn't affect our working relationship.
Oh, it won't, I promise.
Okay.
Two holes.
And I get to pick where.
I love you.
[ cheering and applause .]
You're watching Detective TV.
At nine, it's Good Cop, Jive Cop.
But first it's time for your favorite crime fighting duo.
ÃÂ They are tough as nails.
They are serving justice.
They are unstoppable.
[ sirens .]
They are the best cops in Chicago.
They are Dyke and Fats, starring Dutch Plains as Officer Les Dykawitz , and Velvy O'Malley as Officer Chubbina Fatzarelli.
They're kicking crime to the curb, and they're doing it damn well.
They are Dyke -- and Fats.
ÃÂ Well, it looks like you've done it again, the city of Chicago can sleep safe tonight.
ÃÂ You hear that, Dyke? We done did it again.
I couldn't have done it without you, Fats.
Yeah, good going Dyke and Fats.
ÃÂ You don't get to call us that! Only we get to say it! Those are our words! Our words.
We love each other.
We get to say it.
We're friends.
No! ÃÂ Once again, Sam Smith.
[ applause .]
ÃÂ I do, yes, I do, believe That one day I will be where I was right there, right next to you And it's hard The days just seem so dark The moon and the stars are nothing without you You're touch, your skin, where Do I begin no words can explain the way I'm missing you The night, this Emptiness this hole that I'm inside these tears They tell their story You told me not to cry when you were gone But the feelings is Overwhelming, it's much too strong Can I lay by your side Next to you, you and make sure your alright your alright I'll take care of you and I Don't want to be here if I can't be with you tonight I'm reaching out to you Can you hear my call This hurt that I've been through, I'm missing you missing you like crazy ÃÂ You told me not to cry when you were gone but the feeling's overwhelming it's much too strong Can I lay by your side next to you and make sure you're all right I'll take care of you I don't want to be Here if I can't be with you tonight lay me down tonight Lay me by your side Lay me down tonight and lay by your side can I lay by your side Next to you, you-ou [ cheering and applause .]
ÃÂ What's up, everybody, I'm Chris Fitzpatrick, and I'm running for ASB class president.
One thing I want to change is the music they play at lunch.
All I ever hear is rap music and that bubble gum boy band crap.
Christina Crapulera.
If I'm elected president, I'm going to play good ass music.
Some Verge of Consciousness, Temporary Flawed, One Last Breath, and all of those bands.
And plus I know some of the guys in the band so I can probably get them to play our school.
Just because you get good grades doesn't mean that you're smart.
I'm actually really smart, but I don't do good on tests and pop quizes because I have concentration issues.
ÃÂ When I was in middle school I wrote 28 poems, and now since I entered high school, I've written over 60.
I want to put together a collection of my poems and then I want to sell it to everybody, but if you if you vote for me, you get a discount.
We need more clubs, maybe movie clubs where we watch good movies like Lock Stock and Kids, stuff like that.
ÃÂ Or maybe a guitar-based drum club or a CD club where you make CDs and stickers.
My girlfriend Allie doesn't go to our school because she lives in a different zoning area then Kentwood.
But if you elect me president, Allie is allowed to go to our school.
Vending machines.
We need more of them.
Hell, if I'm president, I'll even spike the water fountain with vodka.
ÃÂ A little bit about me.
I have a dog at home.
He's part German Shepherd and his name is Sammy.
I don't like extra stuff on my hamburgers.
Just plain.
No vegetables or pickles, I'm a simple guy.
I lost my virginity when I was 16, but had done other stuff before that.
I'm friends with black, Asians and Mexicans.
I don't see color when I look at a person.
But no offense, whites make the best music.
So vote for me for ASB class president.
And don't vote for Daniel Nguyen 'cause he's never even smoked a cigarette.
ÃÂ Oh, boy, here goes.
[ knocking .]
Dave, what are you doing here? Hello, Stacy, I have something to say.
ÃÂ You know what, it's too late, Dave.
Alright, we're through.
Just hear me out and then I'll be out of your life forever.
All right.
You have three minutes.
Look, before you kick me to the curb, I just want you to know that I'm sorry.
I'm sorry for how I treated you.
I lied, I got jealous, I didn't put your feelings first.
Dave.
And look, Stacy, maybe you're right.
Maybe I am crazy.
I know I'm not a perfect man.
But I don't care about any of that stuff.
I don't care who didn't do the dishes.
I don't care who said what first.
Oh, Dave.
And if you don't hear anything else I say today, if you hear nothing else, at least hear this.
Baby Jessica is still in that well and we're the only ones who can stop her.
What? Every minute she's in there she's getting more and more pissed off.
I was like, just about to drive off with you.
All I know is this, I want you to be the last person I see before I slip into a coma and the first person I see when I get to hell.
[ laughter .]
So you want me to die while you're in a coma.
Shhh-shut up.
These Stacy, these bags, this is everything I own.
I need you to hide it for me.
There's plans for a theme park to rival Disney World.
Heck, it might even rival Disneyland.
Okay, you know what, they smell like calamari.
Stacy, it's not about the bags, it's not about me, it's not about you, it's about the bags.
[ laughter .]
Stacy, sweet Stacy, you make me want to be a better man.
What did you just say? I said you make me want to be a better man.
Why are you saying it like that? It's how I say it, Stacy.
It is how I've always said it.
Lobo Lands.
The theme park, it's called Lobo Lands.
It is a pet cemetery but for people.
[ laughter .]
That's just a cemetery.
Shhh -- Shut up.
Look, I guess in the end I'm just a boy, looking for a girl, to ask her for $15,000.
No, no.
[ laughter .]
Stacy, when you meet someone special, you can just look into their eyes and you just know you have something to live for.
And for me, that person is Robbie.
[ laughter .]
Hi.
Sure he may not be a good man, but he has a good heart and he's still a hu-man.
So maybe I am crazy, but let me ask you this, is it crazy to love someone so much that you try to kill them? 100%.
Well then lock me up, because that is the very thing I came here to -- Shhh-shut up, okay.
Dave, you dumb psycho.
You had me at Lobo Land.
ÃÂ How good is Sam Smith, everybody? [ cheers and applause .]
I want to thank Lorne for bringing me back.
I had a wonderful week.
I want to thank everybody on the floor here.
Jenna and Wally, and Phil who lights this place so beautifully.
This is a great group.
And how about this cast? What a great cast.
The writers are working hard and they made a great show and I'm very grateful to be here.
Thank you very much, everybody, for being here also.
Good night.
Thank you.
[ cheers and applause .]
ÃÂ