Saturday Night Live (1975) s40e03 Episode Script
Bill Hader
Dear leader, it's been 5 weeks since you've been seen in public.
Your people yearn to set eyes on their beloved Kim Jong Un.
Please, some are wondering if you're still in charge.
Fools! I am the one and only shining sun.
I am your marshal.
So why do I hear these poisonous rumors that I am diabetic? That I have the gout? Ridiculous! That i have eaten too much imported cheese? Who dares question me? It is just, dear leader, we are worried.
Worried about me? Well let me tell you something general! General! You of all people should never question me! Why did you go to South Korea when you knew that I forbid this? It was a diplomatic mission, sir.
As part of the Asian Games.
What? Why would you send anyone to the Asian Games when the world's greatest athlete is standing right in front of you! I have an Olympic medal in beach volleyball.
- But sir, you're limping.
- What? Who said that? I told you! I broke my ankle while dunking over Michael Jordan.
This is what happened! The movie Space Jam is about me! We all know this! My apologies, dear leader.
It's just, people think you're out of touch.
How could I be out of touch when I have the same haircut as Brad Pitt in the movie Fury? I am sensing many of you doubt my strength.
Perhaps a demonstration is in order.
Kwak Poom Ji I want you to punch me as hard as you can.
- Dear leader, I could never.
- Punch me! Hard! I order you to punch me or die! Now, everyone turn around! That was in my heart.
It punched me in the heart! What an animal! Okay, turn back around! This is nonsense! I am strong as a dragon! Okay, forget it.
I am fine, I am fine! Would a man with a gout be able to do this? Would a man with two broken ankles be able to do this? Now everybody turn around! Cranberry.
And live from New York, it's Saturday Night! Hello! Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you! So excited to be here hosting Saturday Night Live.
What? I am so nervous.
That is not a joke.
I am so nervous.
- Love you! - I love you.
I was never even supposed to be on Saturday Night Live.
I grew up in Tulsa, Oklahoma like an idiot in some book.
10 years ago I was working as an assistant editor on Iron Chef America doing a comedy show in a backyard in Los Angeles.
And Megan Mullally saw me and called Lorne Michaels and he came to see me, and here I am.
It's crazy.
It's crazy! You know what, despite all the years and the show and all the movies I still get up every morning and I go on to work on Iron Chef.
It's who I am.
I have a new film out right now called The Skeleton Twins.
Thank you.
With Ms.
Kristen Wiig.
It's a spooktacular Halloween remake of the classic film Twins.
We were very surprised by the good reviews.
You know, when I was on this show I was known for doing impressions.
I did Clint Eastwood, Vincent Price, Alan Alda basically I could do anyone over 80.
But one thing I never did here was sing because my singing voice is not for everyone.
It is very low, kind of like Harvey Fierstein and yeah and even though I always dreamed of singing on this show I'm not gonna put you through that okay? So don't worry Kristin! I told you to stay backstage.
I don't recall that.
Look, I'm here to help you, Bill.
It is your dream to sing on SNL and you're gonna do it.
- I can't.
- Of course you can! - Don't make me sing.
You have to.
You have to because I wrote this song and if you don't sing it I won't get paid and I need the money because I just bought a pantene boat.
Don't you mean a pontoon boat? No, it's a Pantene boat.
I only wash my hair on it.
Listen to me: I know you can sing it go ahead and wing it They are gonna love it No, but, Kristen, it's not that easy.
- You can do anything.
- I know! Actually, that's not true.
I can't play the saxophone but most everything else.
Bill, come on.
Don't be scared.
Hashtag HaderSinging it's already trending now you have to do it Tonight, your night You're gonna wow the crowd Really? No fear, cause I'm here So Bill just sing it loud Thank you Kristen Wiig, thank you for talking me into it This is a dream come true I'm really killing this Okay, stop, stop, stop! With love yikes.
That was, that was really, really bad.
I love you but don't ever do that again to television Don't listen to her! Don't listen to her! Harvey Fierstein! What are you doing here? I am here saving the day, damn it.
Kristen, can I have a second alone with Bill? - I just got here! - There's spinach dip backstage.
There better be.
Billy, you're putting too much pressure on yourself.
You can't sing from your head you gotta sing from your heart.
Sorry.
You gotta sing, you gotta listen to me sing just like me.
- Just like you? - Exactly.
- Now let your voice be heard.
- I'm singing like a bird.
Tonight, my night It's your show, so let's go Cause it's Saturday, oh yes, it's Saturday Oh yes, it's Saturday night We got a great show for you Hozier is here so stick around we will be right back! You're watching WXPD News, New York.
Good morning, I'm Chuck Dawes filling in for the ailing Jack Burns.
Our top story today, a number of Staten Island teens have assembled in front of their high school to sign a virginity pledge.
Veteran reporter Herb Welch is on the scene who today is celebrating his sixty first year at our network.
Hello, Chuck.
Yes.
Hello Herb and congratulations.
Now tell us, what's happening at the rally? - Here with Michael Fitzgerald.
- Hey, how you're doing? You don't look like a Fitzgerald to me.
Alright, what's this all about? Well, we just feel that there's like too much pressure on teens these days like sex wise.
- You got a kid? What? No, no I'm a virgin.
Why do you have a diaper bag? It's not a diaper bag.
It's just like what I carry my books in.
And there you have it, don't believe the hype.
Central Park remains unsafe for women after dark.
- Back to you, John.
- No, no, Herb What? What's that? - Come on.
- What happened? Ask him how many students are involved in taking the pledge.
I don't take orders from mannequins.
Come on, Herb! I know you're smooth down there.
- How many? - How many what? Don't you scat at me, beatnik.
Hey, hey, Herb! Ask Herb! Ask him if the pledge is affiliated with the school.
Stick a Zagnut in it, sideburns.
All right.
Please, just ask the question.
Who started this thing? Well, a couple of us actually started it.
Spill the beans.
Excuse me.
Okay, I am the president of the school's abstinence association.
- Well, there you have it.
The Ruskys have a monkey in outer space.
So that's lights out for Uncle Sam.
Back to you, Chuck.
No, Herb! Why don't you talk to that organizer? Why didn't your wife take your last name? Coward.
Hola, ¿Qué pasó, señorita? Okay.
The media and TV have put too much emphasis on teenage sex for too long.
Well there you have it folks, from Bodega to the boardroom Latin Americans are on the move.
Wrong! Herb, no.
Wrong! That is not what we're doing, Herb.
Don't tell me how to do the news, you drugstore indian.
Herb, knock it, leave him alone, Herb.
All right, all right, you know, cut, just cut away, please.
Our apologies to you at home.
Up next we'll talk to a school administrator but first, some troubling news.
We've just received word that our own Herb Welsh has suffered a heart attack just 15 seconds ago.
I can't believe he's dead, it just happened so quick Show's over jazz man.
Hey, Sammy.
Welcome to Grey World.
This Fall.
What is this place? It looks post-apocalyptic or something.
The meadow fields.
This is where the Samey-sames or the Groupers pass them on to the Sorties for sorting.
- What's over those walls? - Oh, nothing much.
Except the death fires.
From the director of Maze Runner the producer of Divergent and a casual fan of The Giver.
Smooth move kid, showing up on category day.
Now you're going to get put in a category, no matter what.
Adapted from a YA novel written entirely in the comments section of a Hunger Games trailer.
- Who are you anyway? - The name's Thero.
I never met my parents, but my name's tattooed on my back.
Wait a second.
That doesn't say Thero.
What does it say? The hero.
Destiny.
A hero will rise.
You are all the same.
There's nothing unique or special about any of you.
And now, you'll be put into groups.
- What does he mean groups? - There's the emotionals the foodies, the Hasidics and Gryffindor.
When I grow up, I wanna be a freelander.
But you can't.
You were born a circumscriber and you always will be.
- But what if I wasn't? You're right.
You're not.
And I love you.
You'll be given even dirtier clothes, arranged in lines and you must obey me.
Because I am your king or queen.
You'll figure it out.
I got it.
I got it.
Thank you.
A system will fall.
We've got to find a way out of here.
Even if you made it through, you'd still have to survive the Lurkeys.
- And they're lurking everywhere.
- And you can only kill a Lurkey with a zoomerang.
But no one's seen one of those for a thousand years to the day.
Unrelated, do you have any necklaces? Just this one.
You're the chosen one and I'm a virgin pregnant with your baby.
Well, that sucks.
Bring me the one they call Thero.
Dead or alive.
But preferably alive we don't want another PR disaster, right? Boop! It's the Lurkeys, quick! Let's hide in the dream swamp.
We can't, swampsters! Then we've only got one choice.
We fight.
A Zoomerang.
On October 10th meet The Group Hopper.
We will not be category! Put him in a group and he'll hop his ass right out.
Hey, Lurkey! It's time to change the world.
What? The Group Hopper.
Rated G for asexual kissing.
Yes, this is Hollywood Game Night.
Hello to all of you flying Delta.
I'm Jane Lynch, America's number 2 lesbian.
Here's how the game works.
We pair normal people with real Hollywood celebrities.
They play a series of short games and the winner takes home $25,000! Let's meet our teams.
From Madison Wisconsin, it's Amber.
Hi Jane, I love you on Glee.
That's enough.
And on Amber's team from Modern Family, it's Sofia Vergara.
Hi, I make the most money of all the TV here.
Next up, it's Oscar winner Christoph Waltz.
It is so good to be here playing games with all of my friends! Pace yourself, Waltz.
And finally it's Morgan Freeman.
You know, we busy ourselves with the games so that the mind does not wander to death.
And that is a quote from my new film, Dolphin Tale 2.
Nice.
Nice.
And on the opposing couch we have Tara from Boston.
I'm here to win! And I'm here to keep Ellen on her toes.
Okay.
On Tara's team from Parks and Recreation.
- Nick Offerman.
- I'm very excited to be here.
You can't see it, but underneath this mustache I'm grinning like a little girl.
Hollywood legend, Al Pacino.
Is it too early to ask to go to the bathroom? I drank a ? of milk on the way over here.
It's for my bones! Doctors say they are quote "dust".
But I hear, I'm here and I'm ready to play Who Wants to Be a Millionaire! And finally, from the Today Show the one, the only Kathy Lee Gifford.
What am I doing here? But I do love games.
My husband Frank and I play Hide and Go Seek.
Problem is, when I hide, he doesn't seek.
One time I found him in Barbados.
Not kidding! Kathie Lee, your personality is as strong as my cologne.
All right, Tara's team, you're up! Starting with a game called Snack Time where we show you an unwrapped piece of candy and you tell us what it is.
And that's a real game we play on this show.
Here's your candy.
Time starts now.
Jane, that is a healthy stool.
Probably from a fox or a small child.
I got it, I got it.
I stake my whole reputation on it.
It's a tiny meatloaf.
I know what that is up there.
It's a television.
"TV, phone home".
What am I saying? I'm not ET, but I do love riding in a bike basket.
No, I don't.
Come on, it's a Snickers! We are losers.
Now we know of Hoda feels.
Don't worry, she is not watching this.
She is out on the parking lot cuz she drove me here.
She's my DD, my designated dummy.
What am I saying? All right, Amber, your team's up with a game called No Harm, No Vowel.
We show you movie title with the vowels removed and you guess the movie.
Again, real game played by real adults.
Here's your clue.
Time starts now.
Why must the vowels be marginalized? Diminished, cast aside.
In the great sweep of infinity all letters are equal.
Got a guess there, chief? Titanic? Jane, the answer has been very evident to me.
It is obviously the famous Austrian film Von Kaiser de Schnitzen Fraulein de Heizer.
I don't know the answer, but I do know I love Pepsi.
I just made one billion moneys! It's Star Wars.
My God! Hey Jane! I just realized something.
You and I have the same haircut! I don't cut my hair.
This is just as far as it grows.
All right, since we're tied at zero it's time for the tiebreaker round.
Each contestant gets to pick one celebrity from either team to play on their behalf.
- I'll go with Al Pacino.
- All right! Let's go baby! And, I'm going to go Oh, oh, pick me, pick me, pick me.
I guess I'll go with Kathy Lee Gifford.
Hey, what.
All right, well I'm coming but this train's just got to stop at the wine cooler station.
All right, Gifford, get on up here.
Come on.
We're gonna play ball.
Ok, let's get 10 seconds on the clock.
Kathie Lee, you're first.
Finish this movie quote: - Life is like a box of - Tampons.
Hoda's like, what are those? She doesn't need them anymore.
Lady no red! Gray Gardens.
Is that a movie? I haven't seen it.
What am I saying? You're saying nothing.
Nothing.
All right, Pacino.
Your turn.
10 seconds on the clock.
Finish this quote, my friend.
"Frankly, my dear, I don't give a prostitute my home address".
Last time I did that I woke up and cheeks duct taped to a fence.
Local kids were throwing rocks at me.
- Best night of my life.
- Ok, that's all the time we have.
Once again the only winner is me.
I won an Emmy for this.
Good night.
Hello, I'm Charles Daniels.
For years we've been taking you to villages like this and showing you the heartbreak of families whose only mistake was being born poor.
They need your help, and for only 39 cents a day you could provide water, food and medicine for this people.
Just 39 cents, that's less than a small cup of coffee but it can make all the difference in the world to the people of this village.
- Ask for more.
- Sorry? Ask for more money.
Why did you start so low? As you can see, these villagers are desperate for your help so don't hesitate, pick up the phone.
- Hey, what they shooting? - A commercial or somethin' Dial the number and send over 39 cents.
It's all we need.
- Start higher! - I know, right? 39 cents may not sound like a lot but it can mean so much to these families.
It's not even a round number.
Like, if you said a dollar I could see how you got there.
Yeah, but you know how they always trying to take away a penny to make it sound like less.
- I get that.
I'm just saying why not start at 99 cents.
- 39 cents.
That's ALL these people need to survive! And they be so lucky and appreciative to get it! So for the price of a cup of coffee Who that? He talk about all they need to send is the bare minimum to keep us alive.
We're not asking for the bare minimum.
This number's been decided by very educated and caring people who can save your lives.
- How? How? How are you gonna save our lives with only 39 cents? Cuz I'm trying to do the math in my head, but I just can't see it.
- 39 cents is plenty.
- He keeps saying 39 - Why do you keep saying 39 cents? - For the price of a cup of coffee.
Why can't it be the price of an Arizona iced tea? They're 99 cents! Cause it's not the price of an Arizona, it's gotta be coffee! - It don't though! - Plus, coffee is way more expansive than 39 cents.
- It's 39 cents! You know, for a starving village you people have a lot of energy! Maybe people should send their checks some place else.
So you asking for a check? And why would you ask for a check? - You settled for a check.
- It's got to be a check! It don't though.
Here's your coffee and your change, Mr.
Daniels.
Perfect timing, Valerie, I love it.
Hey, white lady, How much is that coffee? It doesn't matter.
I bet that you don't even know what country you in.
I do know what country I'm in.
- What country? - What country you in? Africa? All right, look, look Hey! If you wanna see this cheap ass white man again you better send us 200 cash, right now! Don't hesitate! Last Thursday, Jan Hooks, who was on the show for 5 seasons from 1986 to 1991 passed away.
- She was one of the best there ever was, and her influence is clear in everyone of us who has been here since.
Here's Jan.
Good evening.
Welcome to Weekend Update.
- I'm Michael Che.
- I'm Colin Jost and here are tonight's top stories.
Pakistani teenager Malala Yousafzai, who is 17 has become the youngest person ever to win the Nobel Peace Prize.
So a Pakistani teenager literally can change the world while American teenagers literally can't even.
Federal officials have begun screening for Ebola at New York's JFK airport for all travelers arriving from West Africa.
They're focusing on JFK, because not even Ebola would go to LaGuardia.
The White House is denying claims that it covered up evidence of Secret Service agents sleeping with a prostitute in 2012.
Which apparently was the last time the Secret Service was on top of anything.
After the Supreme Court declined a rule on the issue of same sex marriage it is now legal in 30 states.
I'm happy for same sex couples but I feel bad for a group of people that's still getting ignored in this country and that's gay dudes who really, really don't want to get married and had a really good excuse not to for so long.
I know there's some deadbeat gay boyfriends out there like: "Yo Carl, you know I want to marry you.
But society, man! Just won't let us.
Oh, well.
I guess we gotta just get boning casually til the world gets its act together".
The mystery surrounding the well being and location of North Korean leader Kim Jung Un deepened Friday when he missed a ceremony paying tribute to his late father and grandfather.
Some think he's been overthrown but my money's on more of a Winnie the Pooh type situation.
After having problems last year, the BET network has announced a no guns policy for their 2014 Hip Hop Awards.
Here to comment is a hip- hop fan, Pete Davidson.
Yo, what up, playa? All right.
Pete why does an awards show need a no guns policy? What people need to understand is that this type of behavior happens you wear a gold chain.
You know, I did something really stupid for this summer.
I bought this gold chain.
I really bought this and here's some advice I wish I knew before buying the gold chain: The fake ones look exactly like the real ones.
I also noticed it changes your personality like it gives you too much confidence.
You know, like buying the chain was stupid because I already have rapper posture.
You know, rappers have bad posture cuz they wear all these gold chains and it weighs them down.
I have bad posture because I hate myself.
I bought them because I was watching MTV and my favorite rapper came on.
His name's 2 Chainz.
I don't know if you've heard of him.
He's a real person.
You know he's a real person cuz he says he's real in every song.
Like, out of nowhere, he'll just be like: "I'm real".
My god, I had no idea, 2 Chainz.
This whole time.
Anyway, I was watching 2 Chains in the middle of the rap song he just goes "you're a bitch if you ain't got a chain".
And I was like well, I'm not a bitch so I went out and spent half my net worth on this gold chain and it was just a bad decision.
I can't wear this outside.
I'm 6'3", 145 pounds I have a problem with wind.
Plus if I wear a gold chain it'll get stolen immediately.
I might as well walk through the hood with it on and scream dinner's ready.
So now I just wear it around the house to like give me confidence.
- Well does it work? - Yeah.
Like yesterday I was eating my dinner and I couldn't finish it so I put the chain on and, I finished it.
Pete Davidson everybody! Police in New Jersey are saying that someone broke into the Yogi Berra museum and stole several pieces of the Yankee great's memorabilia.
The suspect was described as 5 foot 7, white and definitely Billy Crystal.
This weekend is New York Comic Con the annual gathering of people who's comic books and genitals are kept in mint condition.
A new restaurant is opening in Philadelphia that will pay its waiters $13 an hour but will not allow customers to tip them.
The no tipping policy has been in effect for years among its black customers.
I'm kidding.
That's a myth.
Black people tip.
I tip like 60% of the time.
A Delaware woman was arrested after her 4 year old daughter found packets of heroin in her bag then passed them out to the other children in her daycare class.
But on the bright side, those kids are now fantastic blues musicians.
New research shows that reindeers in Norway have an unusually high level of radiation due to dust from the 1986 Chernobyl meltdown.
In fact, you could even say they glow.
British prosecutors are now saying that anyone caught posting revenge porn could face up to 14 years in prison.
So you better not post that video we made, Pippa.
On Friday in battle New York Jet's quarterback Geno Smith celebrated his 24th birthday.
Sadly, when Smith blew out the candles his birthday wish was intercepted and returned for a touchdown.
It's Autumn in New York, which means millions of tourists will be heading to the city to see what the Big Apple and its new mayor has to offer.
Here are some tips, is our Weekend Update city correspondent Stefon.
Hi.
Thanks so much for joining us, Stefon.
How long have I been on anesthesia? Oh, a lot has changed.
You know, Colin and I host Weekend Update now, so.
One of each.
I like it.
Now, a lot of tourists want a lot of tourists wanna check out what Mayor de Blasio's New York has to offer.
So are there any fun spots for them, or? Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
Barack, Mitt if you're looking for a berserk night out in new New York I know just the place for you.
New New York's hottest club is Whimsy.
Condemned by GLAAD and the EPA from Ghostbusters this old wet band-aid found in a jacuzzi is the kind of place that makes you feel weird the next time you see your parents.
This place has everything: kufi hats, congas MTV's Dan Cortese and that TV channel at the hotel that's like about the hotel.
The vibe inside is strange yet familiar like when you see billboards for Seinfeld reruns in a Puerto Rican neighborhood.
Yo soy Costanza.
Week nights at 6 and 6:30.
Stefon, real quick, how's Seth doing? Did he come with you? No, he's at home practicing how to sit behind a desk.
Stefon, I think the club you were describing might not be for everybody.
Do you have any other recommendations for folks looking for like, a more wholesome New York experience? Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
If you are some dumb folks looking to just get murdered I know just the place for you.
New York's hottest club is Jan's New Backpack.
Discovered by a lackluster gay realtor named Anthony who is late for every viewing.
This park slope slop bucket gives new meaning to the question Is that the little woman who played the principal in Kindergarten Cop? This place has everything: Asbestos, lupus the magazines at Supercuts Dan Cortese a doorman who always high- fives children of divorce a building that you can tell it used to be a McDonalds.
And if the bar isn't your scene, head downstairs to see the Prozac Doobie Brothers.
What are the Prozac Doobie Brothers? It's that thing of when a woman in a depression commercial gets better at the end so they show her at a smooth jazz concert.
Stefon, I know New York has changed with the new mayor but there's gotta be a few upscale places for people to check out.
Okay, yes, yes, ritzy stuff.
Okay.
If you're well-to-do and you just gotta hunt humans I know just the place for you.
New New York's hottest club is Located where Donald Trump Jr's chin should have been this wealthy whack shack, whack shack opened its doors in the 2 hours between when Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson died.
Needless to say, this place has everything: Skunks, K-fobs, Cookie Crisp Dan Cortese Right.
That backroom at Foot Locker that employees disappear into.
There's even an after hours bar filled with human defibrillators.
What is a human defibrillator? It's that thing of when your friend is having a heart attack so you take two midgets and you rub them on the carpet with static electricity.
And then they yell, "clear".
Okay All right, look Stefon, I appreciate what you're trying to do here and I know you're a friend of Update but I think you should go.
- You're right.
I should go.
The "husband" wants to drive up to Redding tomorrow to look for houses.
Wait a second.
You are looking for houses? You are not drinking or eating sushi? Stefon, is there something you want to tell us? - I am pregnant! - Congratulations! Thank you so much.
I'll let you know if we keep it.
Stefon everybody! - Good night I'm Michael.
- I'm Colin Jost, good night.
Okay everyone welcome to Puppetry for Advanced Students.
You all have some experience with puppets so we're going to be learning some techniques to really make your characters come alive.
My name is Alex and this guy is Wigglesby.
And I'm a jolly old chap, aren't I, chum? You sure are.
Now let's hear from you guys.
I'm George and I'm Herman the Hippie Wavy Gravy man look, I didn't finish my puppet.
You'll have time.
How about you? I'm Marilyn.
This is the one thing I do each week for me.
And this is old Mrs.
Hooper.
I'm having a little trouble keeping up.
What's Google? I can see she's a handful.
And you.
My name is Anthony Peter Coleman.
Private First Class, Operation Urgent Fury.
Recipient of the Purple Heart, pending further review.
Okay.
And your puppet's name? Tony.
Okay, all right.
Well let's go ahead and hear from Tony.
Go ahead.
Tell 'em.
It was a hot night in Granada.
The enemy was in the trees, the mud, everywhere.
Sarge said call in the air strike but I must have got my wires crossed.
Our own jets came screaming down on us and rained fire.
It was like a cookout and we were the meat.
I used my best friend as an umbrella.
Ok.
All right.
Well actually one thing I like to do is start off with a little joke.
You like jokes, don't you Wigglesby? Not as much as I like tea and crumpets.
You guys go ahead and give it a try.
Hey, have you guys seen the Hobbit movies? they're longer than my hair, man I swear, I have the hair at home.
It's all right, it's completely fine.
All right? Do you have a joke for us, Mrs.
Hooper? My granddaughter sent me a little picture of a snowman.
She calls it an emoji I call it a waste of time.
If I had to use emojis to describe my time in Granada it would be palm tree, flamethrower baby, flamethrower, mosquito, mosquito mosquito, mosquito, mosquito.
- Okay.
Okay, okay, okay we get, okay, hey, Tony, Tony, we're telling jokes now.
Here's a joke: God.
All right.
Actually something that makes puppets fun is that they can actually be very different from ourselves.
Like Anthony, what might be fun for all of us to see is having your puppet be like the opposite of you.
The opposite of me? Okay.
I was not charged with war crimes.
My favorite game is not Russian roulette.
I did not lose a full year of my life in porno theaters.
No, no.
I don't think, I guess I, I mean like even a, a different type of character, a different voice.
Okay.
My name is Jacqueline, and I like nice perfume.
Bonjour! Okay! Yes, that's fun! Tell us about Jacqueline.
Jacqueline was my undercover identity.
Reagan and his goons made me pose as a woman to seduce the rebel general.
I was a honeypot.
A sex trap.
I did what I had to do.
Now when you're building your puppets personality you want to think about who your audience will be.
So, where do you guys see yourselves performing with these puppets? - I know this might be a bit cliche but I always dreamed that one day I would work on Sesame Street.
Can you tell me how to get how to get the nightmares to stop Anthony, enough.
Okay? You need help.
Help, help, help! Thanks for all the help, Anthony.
No problem, Washington.
While you're with me everything will be A-OK.
- Step.
No! Is that snow, Tony? Is it Christmas already? Yeah, that's snow.
It's not your damn stuffing! Washington! Okay, let's take 5.
Sound good? - All right, so, I'm Todd.
- And I'm Casey.
- And you're watching.
- Do it on 3? 1, 2, 3.
Inside SoCal.
All right, so, our top story is our boy Ryan Templeton got married this weekend and a bunch of the boys went.
And, I'm not usually into church or gods or whatever but I thought the ceremony was super gangster.
It's always sick to see two souls uniting as one.
Also, you don't, you don't have to dance.
All right, so now, let's do Health Minute With Casey.
The Health Minute With Casey.
All right, so, Matt Newhall got vicodin and anyone can get in on that.
That was the Health Minute.
The Health Minute with Casey.
All right, so we've got a developing story.
Apparently, Emily Hyde is like super pissed at Pat right now.
So let's go to Eric at the Lynwood house see what's going on.
What's up, Eric? - What's up, guys? - What up? So I'm here with Emily and Pat.
Emily, why are you so mad at Pat right now? Cuz he beats off to pictures of my friends.
Yeah, but I don't like 'em the way I like you.
I just beat off to 'em.
Alright.
So there you have it.
As you can see things are pretty real over here.
Back to you, fools.
Now it's time for this week's Ill Investigations with my boy Todd.
Ill Investigations.
Rico Verde's is one of my favorite restaurants.
But why don't they do the red salsa anymore? I had the chance to sit down with Carla, Carla Munez who works here and see why they stopped doing it.
Where's the red salsa? All my boys love the red salsa.
- No we don't.
- Why? We.
No, no it's no more Yeah.
Are you gonna bring back the red salsa? Okay.
No more.
We don't have no more.
No more.
The red salsa used to be the best part of Rico Verde's.
All right, so I guess they're not doing the red salsa anymore.
Next, our story on Lindsay Turell who cut her hair short over the summer which looks good on her small head.
All right, which brings us to our feature story.
When you think about art, you think that's like something my dad likes or smarter style people like Michelle Grannis.
But, actually, but actually, art can be pretty gangster.
So, we sent Sean out to tell us if it's gangster.
Blue, yellow, green.
Colors in art.
But how, how baller can art be? I'm here at a museum to find out.
When they first started doing art, it was a lot older and they didn't know how to make a pimp.
But then it was more abstract.
And now you look at it and it's way more, you know Are you trying to say, trying to say it's more baller? You know what it's like, cuz it's like, you know like, I play Madden, right? And so What you talking about? I want a little refrigerator.
All right.
I think I see what you're saying, Sean.
All right, so this has been Inside SoCal.
Do you want to say the thing about your Grandpa or whatever? Yeah, so, my Grandpa died.
And we were like super close.
But I like to believe that even though he's gone he's still with us.
- Hey! - What are you doing in my house? - Sorry, sir.
- I'm Todd.
- I'm Casey.
- No sorry.
Now get out.
- We're sorry, sir.
- Get out of my garage.
- All right, we're going.
- Oh, you, you sorry.
- That's not how I sound, sir.
That is how you sound.
- Get off me! - Come on, dude! enjoy this fine day.
- It's been raining, dear mother.
As long as we've known.
- We are bored, sweet dear mother bored to the bone.
- I want someone to play with.
- Someone who's fun.
- Perhaps if we imagine we'll find the one.
Hello, little kiddies.
A-rat-a-tat-tat.
If you haven't put it together, I'm the Cat in the Hat.
Cat? What are you doing here? Linda! My God.
- You look good.
- Mommy, what's going on? - You know the cat guy? - Yes No I'm I I met him before.
Met? Wow, that's what we call it now? Okay.
I think maybe you should leave.
No, Mr.
Cat, we don't want you to go.
Can you please stay and put on a fun show? Show? Yeah, sure, a show.
I always appear when children are so sad so tell me young kiddies, where is your dad? Like does he live here? Is he in the picture, or? You know what? He's at work.
He's reliable.
I don't have to say a rhyme to make him come home.
Do some tricks! You what, you want tricks? yeah, yeah, sure.
- You like juggling? - Yeah.
I could juggle with this, I could juggle with a fish I could juggle this dish, I could You cut me out of this picture.
Well that, that makes sense, but it's hard to see.
Yeah, maybe it'd be better if you just go.
- No! He can't leave.
- They're right I literally can't leave because they imagined me.
Great.
That, well, great.
So, okay, well here we are.
No, no, look, look, look.
I didn't plan on this.
Hey look, you've got an eyelash.
Don't.
You're just trying to touch my face.
Yeah, maybe I am.
Sorry.
This is just really hard for me.
- Hey.
- Seeing you.
I know it's hard for me too.
Here, here take this.
Here, here, here.
Here, here.
Mr.
Cat, you want to see me dance? Sure.
Yeah, of course.
Hey, hey look at that.
Yeah, that's great.
Great dance.
She gets it from you.
Is she my daughter? Hidy ho, my wife and children! Cat.
Wow.
- What are you doing here? - Hey, Thing 2.
Actually, I go by Jonathing now.
Cat was just on his way out.
Oh, good! That's good.
- She picked me, Cat.
- Jonathing! I'll go, I'll go, I'll go.
I'm sorry.
I'll go.
But oh the places she let me go.
You get out of here, Cat!
Your people yearn to set eyes on their beloved Kim Jong Un.
Please, some are wondering if you're still in charge.
Fools! I am the one and only shining sun.
I am your marshal.
So why do I hear these poisonous rumors that I am diabetic? That I have the gout? Ridiculous! That i have eaten too much imported cheese? Who dares question me? It is just, dear leader, we are worried.
Worried about me? Well let me tell you something general! General! You of all people should never question me! Why did you go to South Korea when you knew that I forbid this? It was a diplomatic mission, sir.
As part of the Asian Games.
What? Why would you send anyone to the Asian Games when the world's greatest athlete is standing right in front of you! I have an Olympic medal in beach volleyball.
- But sir, you're limping.
- What? Who said that? I told you! I broke my ankle while dunking over Michael Jordan.
This is what happened! The movie Space Jam is about me! We all know this! My apologies, dear leader.
It's just, people think you're out of touch.
How could I be out of touch when I have the same haircut as Brad Pitt in the movie Fury? I am sensing many of you doubt my strength.
Perhaps a demonstration is in order.
Kwak Poom Ji I want you to punch me as hard as you can.
- Dear leader, I could never.
- Punch me! Hard! I order you to punch me or die! Now, everyone turn around! That was in my heart.
It punched me in the heart! What an animal! Okay, turn back around! This is nonsense! I am strong as a dragon! Okay, forget it.
I am fine, I am fine! Would a man with a gout be able to do this? Would a man with two broken ankles be able to do this? Now everybody turn around! Cranberry.
And live from New York, it's Saturday Night! Hello! Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you! So excited to be here hosting Saturday Night Live.
What? I am so nervous.
That is not a joke.
I am so nervous.
- Love you! - I love you.
I was never even supposed to be on Saturday Night Live.
I grew up in Tulsa, Oklahoma like an idiot in some book.
10 years ago I was working as an assistant editor on Iron Chef America doing a comedy show in a backyard in Los Angeles.
And Megan Mullally saw me and called Lorne Michaels and he came to see me, and here I am.
It's crazy.
It's crazy! You know what, despite all the years and the show and all the movies I still get up every morning and I go on to work on Iron Chef.
It's who I am.
I have a new film out right now called The Skeleton Twins.
Thank you.
With Ms.
Kristen Wiig.
It's a spooktacular Halloween remake of the classic film Twins.
We were very surprised by the good reviews.
You know, when I was on this show I was known for doing impressions.
I did Clint Eastwood, Vincent Price, Alan Alda basically I could do anyone over 80.
But one thing I never did here was sing because my singing voice is not for everyone.
It is very low, kind of like Harvey Fierstein and yeah and even though I always dreamed of singing on this show I'm not gonna put you through that okay? So don't worry Kristin! I told you to stay backstage.
I don't recall that.
Look, I'm here to help you, Bill.
It is your dream to sing on SNL and you're gonna do it.
- I can't.
- Of course you can! - Don't make me sing.
You have to.
You have to because I wrote this song and if you don't sing it I won't get paid and I need the money because I just bought a pantene boat.
Don't you mean a pontoon boat? No, it's a Pantene boat.
I only wash my hair on it.
Listen to me: I know you can sing it go ahead and wing it They are gonna love it No, but, Kristen, it's not that easy.
- You can do anything.
- I know! Actually, that's not true.
I can't play the saxophone but most everything else.
Bill, come on.
Don't be scared.
Hashtag HaderSinging it's already trending now you have to do it Tonight, your night You're gonna wow the crowd Really? No fear, cause I'm here So Bill just sing it loud Thank you Kristen Wiig, thank you for talking me into it This is a dream come true I'm really killing this Okay, stop, stop, stop! With love yikes.
That was, that was really, really bad.
I love you but don't ever do that again to television Don't listen to her! Don't listen to her! Harvey Fierstein! What are you doing here? I am here saving the day, damn it.
Kristen, can I have a second alone with Bill? - I just got here! - There's spinach dip backstage.
There better be.
Billy, you're putting too much pressure on yourself.
You can't sing from your head you gotta sing from your heart.
Sorry.
You gotta sing, you gotta listen to me sing just like me.
- Just like you? - Exactly.
- Now let your voice be heard.
- I'm singing like a bird.
Tonight, my night It's your show, so let's go Cause it's Saturday, oh yes, it's Saturday Oh yes, it's Saturday night We got a great show for you Hozier is here so stick around we will be right back! You're watching WXPD News, New York.
Good morning, I'm Chuck Dawes filling in for the ailing Jack Burns.
Our top story today, a number of Staten Island teens have assembled in front of their high school to sign a virginity pledge.
Veteran reporter Herb Welch is on the scene who today is celebrating his sixty first year at our network.
Hello, Chuck.
Yes.
Hello Herb and congratulations.
Now tell us, what's happening at the rally? - Here with Michael Fitzgerald.
- Hey, how you're doing? You don't look like a Fitzgerald to me.
Alright, what's this all about? Well, we just feel that there's like too much pressure on teens these days like sex wise.
- You got a kid? What? No, no I'm a virgin.
Why do you have a diaper bag? It's not a diaper bag.
It's just like what I carry my books in.
And there you have it, don't believe the hype.
Central Park remains unsafe for women after dark.
- Back to you, John.
- No, no, Herb What? What's that? - Come on.
- What happened? Ask him how many students are involved in taking the pledge.
I don't take orders from mannequins.
Come on, Herb! I know you're smooth down there.
- How many? - How many what? Don't you scat at me, beatnik.
Hey, hey, Herb! Ask Herb! Ask him if the pledge is affiliated with the school.
Stick a Zagnut in it, sideburns.
All right.
Please, just ask the question.
Who started this thing? Well, a couple of us actually started it.
Spill the beans.
Excuse me.
Okay, I am the president of the school's abstinence association.
- Well, there you have it.
The Ruskys have a monkey in outer space.
So that's lights out for Uncle Sam.
Back to you, Chuck.
No, Herb! Why don't you talk to that organizer? Why didn't your wife take your last name? Coward.
Hola, ¿Qué pasó, señorita? Okay.
The media and TV have put too much emphasis on teenage sex for too long.
Well there you have it folks, from Bodega to the boardroom Latin Americans are on the move.
Wrong! Herb, no.
Wrong! That is not what we're doing, Herb.
Don't tell me how to do the news, you drugstore indian.
Herb, knock it, leave him alone, Herb.
All right, all right, you know, cut, just cut away, please.
Our apologies to you at home.
Up next we'll talk to a school administrator but first, some troubling news.
We've just received word that our own Herb Welsh has suffered a heart attack just 15 seconds ago.
I can't believe he's dead, it just happened so quick Show's over jazz man.
Hey, Sammy.
Welcome to Grey World.
This Fall.
What is this place? It looks post-apocalyptic or something.
The meadow fields.
This is where the Samey-sames or the Groupers pass them on to the Sorties for sorting.
- What's over those walls? - Oh, nothing much.
Except the death fires.
From the director of Maze Runner the producer of Divergent and a casual fan of The Giver.
Smooth move kid, showing up on category day.
Now you're going to get put in a category, no matter what.
Adapted from a YA novel written entirely in the comments section of a Hunger Games trailer.
- Who are you anyway? - The name's Thero.
I never met my parents, but my name's tattooed on my back.
Wait a second.
That doesn't say Thero.
What does it say? The hero.
Destiny.
A hero will rise.
You are all the same.
There's nothing unique or special about any of you.
And now, you'll be put into groups.
- What does he mean groups? - There's the emotionals the foodies, the Hasidics and Gryffindor.
When I grow up, I wanna be a freelander.
But you can't.
You were born a circumscriber and you always will be.
- But what if I wasn't? You're right.
You're not.
And I love you.
You'll be given even dirtier clothes, arranged in lines and you must obey me.
Because I am your king or queen.
You'll figure it out.
I got it.
I got it.
Thank you.
A system will fall.
We've got to find a way out of here.
Even if you made it through, you'd still have to survive the Lurkeys.
- And they're lurking everywhere.
- And you can only kill a Lurkey with a zoomerang.
But no one's seen one of those for a thousand years to the day.
Unrelated, do you have any necklaces? Just this one.
You're the chosen one and I'm a virgin pregnant with your baby.
Well, that sucks.
Bring me the one they call Thero.
Dead or alive.
But preferably alive we don't want another PR disaster, right? Boop! It's the Lurkeys, quick! Let's hide in the dream swamp.
We can't, swampsters! Then we've only got one choice.
We fight.
A Zoomerang.
On October 10th meet The Group Hopper.
We will not be category! Put him in a group and he'll hop his ass right out.
Hey, Lurkey! It's time to change the world.
What? The Group Hopper.
Rated G for asexual kissing.
Yes, this is Hollywood Game Night.
Hello to all of you flying Delta.
I'm Jane Lynch, America's number 2 lesbian.
Here's how the game works.
We pair normal people with real Hollywood celebrities.
They play a series of short games and the winner takes home $25,000! Let's meet our teams.
From Madison Wisconsin, it's Amber.
Hi Jane, I love you on Glee.
That's enough.
And on Amber's team from Modern Family, it's Sofia Vergara.
Hi, I make the most money of all the TV here.
Next up, it's Oscar winner Christoph Waltz.
It is so good to be here playing games with all of my friends! Pace yourself, Waltz.
And finally it's Morgan Freeman.
You know, we busy ourselves with the games so that the mind does not wander to death.
And that is a quote from my new film, Dolphin Tale 2.
Nice.
Nice.
And on the opposing couch we have Tara from Boston.
I'm here to win! And I'm here to keep Ellen on her toes.
Okay.
On Tara's team from Parks and Recreation.
- Nick Offerman.
- I'm very excited to be here.
You can't see it, but underneath this mustache I'm grinning like a little girl.
Hollywood legend, Al Pacino.
Is it too early to ask to go to the bathroom? I drank a ? of milk on the way over here.
It's for my bones! Doctors say they are quote "dust".
But I hear, I'm here and I'm ready to play Who Wants to Be a Millionaire! And finally, from the Today Show the one, the only Kathy Lee Gifford.
What am I doing here? But I do love games.
My husband Frank and I play Hide and Go Seek.
Problem is, when I hide, he doesn't seek.
One time I found him in Barbados.
Not kidding! Kathie Lee, your personality is as strong as my cologne.
All right, Tara's team, you're up! Starting with a game called Snack Time where we show you an unwrapped piece of candy and you tell us what it is.
And that's a real game we play on this show.
Here's your candy.
Time starts now.
Jane, that is a healthy stool.
Probably from a fox or a small child.
I got it, I got it.
I stake my whole reputation on it.
It's a tiny meatloaf.
I know what that is up there.
It's a television.
"TV, phone home".
What am I saying? I'm not ET, but I do love riding in a bike basket.
No, I don't.
Come on, it's a Snickers! We are losers.
Now we know of Hoda feels.
Don't worry, she is not watching this.
She is out on the parking lot cuz she drove me here.
She's my DD, my designated dummy.
What am I saying? All right, Amber, your team's up with a game called No Harm, No Vowel.
We show you movie title with the vowels removed and you guess the movie.
Again, real game played by real adults.
Here's your clue.
Time starts now.
Why must the vowels be marginalized? Diminished, cast aside.
In the great sweep of infinity all letters are equal.
Got a guess there, chief? Titanic? Jane, the answer has been very evident to me.
It is obviously the famous Austrian film Von Kaiser de Schnitzen Fraulein de Heizer.
I don't know the answer, but I do know I love Pepsi.
I just made one billion moneys! It's Star Wars.
My God! Hey Jane! I just realized something.
You and I have the same haircut! I don't cut my hair.
This is just as far as it grows.
All right, since we're tied at zero it's time for the tiebreaker round.
Each contestant gets to pick one celebrity from either team to play on their behalf.
- I'll go with Al Pacino.
- All right! Let's go baby! And, I'm going to go Oh, oh, pick me, pick me, pick me.
I guess I'll go with Kathy Lee Gifford.
Hey, what.
All right, well I'm coming but this train's just got to stop at the wine cooler station.
All right, Gifford, get on up here.
Come on.
We're gonna play ball.
Ok, let's get 10 seconds on the clock.
Kathie Lee, you're first.
Finish this movie quote: - Life is like a box of - Tampons.
Hoda's like, what are those? She doesn't need them anymore.
Lady no red! Gray Gardens.
Is that a movie? I haven't seen it.
What am I saying? You're saying nothing.
Nothing.
All right, Pacino.
Your turn.
10 seconds on the clock.
Finish this quote, my friend.
"Frankly, my dear, I don't give a prostitute my home address".
Last time I did that I woke up and cheeks duct taped to a fence.
Local kids were throwing rocks at me.
- Best night of my life.
- Ok, that's all the time we have.
Once again the only winner is me.
I won an Emmy for this.
Good night.
Hello, I'm Charles Daniels.
For years we've been taking you to villages like this and showing you the heartbreak of families whose only mistake was being born poor.
They need your help, and for only 39 cents a day you could provide water, food and medicine for this people.
Just 39 cents, that's less than a small cup of coffee but it can make all the difference in the world to the people of this village.
- Ask for more.
- Sorry? Ask for more money.
Why did you start so low? As you can see, these villagers are desperate for your help so don't hesitate, pick up the phone.
- Hey, what they shooting? - A commercial or somethin' Dial the number and send over 39 cents.
It's all we need.
- Start higher! - I know, right? 39 cents may not sound like a lot but it can mean so much to these families.
It's not even a round number.
Like, if you said a dollar I could see how you got there.
Yeah, but you know how they always trying to take away a penny to make it sound like less.
- I get that.
I'm just saying why not start at 99 cents.
- 39 cents.
That's ALL these people need to survive! And they be so lucky and appreciative to get it! So for the price of a cup of coffee Who that? He talk about all they need to send is the bare minimum to keep us alive.
We're not asking for the bare minimum.
This number's been decided by very educated and caring people who can save your lives.
- How? How? How are you gonna save our lives with only 39 cents? Cuz I'm trying to do the math in my head, but I just can't see it.
- 39 cents is plenty.
- He keeps saying 39 - Why do you keep saying 39 cents? - For the price of a cup of coffee.
Why can't it be the price of an Arizona iced tea? They're 99 cents! Cause it's not the price of an Arizona, it's gotta be coffee! - It don't though! - Plus, coffee is way more expansive than 39 cents.
- It's 39 cents! You know, for a starving village you people have a lot of energy! Maybe people should send their checks some place else.
So you asking for a check? And why would you ask for a check? - You settled for a check.
- It's got to be a check! It don't though.
Here's your coffee and your change, Mr.
Daniels.
Perfect timing, Valerie, I love it.
Hey, white lady, How much is that coffee? It doesn't matter.
I bet that you don't even know what country you in.
I do know what country I'm in.
- What country? - What country you in? Africa? All right, look, look Hey! If you wanna see this cheap ass white man again you better send us 200 cash, right now! Don't hesitate! Last Thursday, Jan Hooks, who was on the show for 5 seasons from 1986 to 1991 passed away.
- She was one of the best there ever was, and her influence is clear in everyone of us who has been here since.
Here's Jan.
Good evening.
Welcome to Weekend Update.
- I'm Michael Che.
- I'm Colin Jost and here are tonight's top stories.
Pakistani teenager Malala Yousafzai, who is 17 has become the youngest person ever to win the Nobel Peace Prize.
So a Pakistani teenager literally can change the world while American teenagers literally can't even.
Federal officials have begun screening for Ebola at New York's JFK airport for all travelers arriving from West Africa.
They're focusing on JFK, because not even Ebola would go to LaGuardia.
The White House is denying claims that it covered up evidence of Secret Service agents sleeping with a prostitute in 2012.
Which apparently was the last time the Secret Service was on top of anything.
After the Supreme Court declined a rule on the issue of same sex marriage it is now legal in 30 states.
I'm happy for same sex couples but I feel bad for a group of people that's still getting ignored in this country and that's gay dudes who really, really don't want to get married and had a really good excuse not to for so long.
I know there's some deadbeat gay boyfriends out there like: "Yo Carl, you know I want to marry you.
But society, man! Just won't let us.
Oh, well.
I guess we gotta just get boning casually til the world gets its act together".
The mystery surrounding the well being and location of North Korean leader Kim Jung Un deepened Friday when he missed a ceremony paying tribute to his late father and grandfather.
Some think he's been overthrown but my money's on more of a Winnie the Pooh type situation.
After having problems last year, the BET network has announced a no guns policy for their 2014 Hip Hop Awards.
Here to comment is a hip- hop fan, Pete Davidson.
Yo, what up, playa? All right.
Pete why does an awards show need a no guns policy? What people need to understand is that this type of behavior happens you wear a gold chain.
You know, I did something really stupid for this summer.
I bought this gold chain.
I really bought this and here's some advice I wish I knew before buying the gold chain: The fake ones look exactly like the real ones.
I also noticed it changes your personality like it gives you too much confidence.
You know, like buying the chain was stupid because I already have rapper posture.
You know, rappers have bad posture cuz they wear all these gold chains and it weighs them down.
I have bad posture because I hate myself.
I bought them because I was watching MTV and my favorite rapper came on.
His name's 2 Chainz.
I don't know if you've heard of him.
He's a real person.
You know he's a real person cuz he says he's real in every song.
Like, out of nowhere, he'll just be like: "I'm real".
My god, I had no idea, 2 Chainz.
This whole time.
Anyway, I was watching 2 Chains in the middle of the rap song he just goes "you're a bitch if you ain't got a chain".
And I was like well, I'm not a bitch so I went out and spent half my net worth on this gold chain and it was just a bad decision.
I can't wear this outside.
I'm 6'3", 145 pounds I have a problem with wind.
Plus if I wear a gold chain it'll get stolen immediately.
I might as well walk through the hood with it on and scream dinner's ready.
So now I just wear it around the house to like give me confidence.
- Well does it work? - Yeah.
Like yesterday I was eating my dinner and I couldn't finish it so I put the chain on and, I finished it.
Pete Davidson everybody! Police in New Jersey are saying that someone broke into the Yogi Berra museum and stole several pieces of the Yankee great's memorabilia.
The suspect was described as 5 foot 7, white and definitely Billy Crystal.
This weekend is New York Comic Con the annual gathering of people who's comic books and genitals are kept in mint condition.
A new restaurant is opening in Philadelphia that will pay its waiters $13 an hour but will not allow customers to tip them.
The no tipping policy has been in effect for years among its black customers.
I'm kidding.
That's a myth.
Black people tip.
I tip like 60% of the time.
A Delaware woman was arrested after her 4 year old daughter found packets of heroin in her bag then passed them out to the other children in her daycare class.
But on the bright side, those kids are now fantastic blues musicians.
New research shows that reindeers in Norway have an unusually high level of radiation due to dust from the 1986 Chernobyl meltdown.
In fact, you could even say they glow.
British prosecutors are now saying that anyone caught posting revenge porn could face up to 14 years in prison.
So you better not post that video we made, Pippa.
On Friday in battle New York Jet's quarterback Geno Smith celebrated his 24th birthday.
Sadly, when Smith blew out the candles his birthday wish was intercepted and returned for a touchdown.
It's Autumn in New York, which means millions of tourists will be heading to the city to see what the Big Apple and its new mayor has to offer.
Here are some tips, is our Weekend Update city correspondent Stefon.
Hi.
Thanks so much for joining us, Stefon.
How long have I been on anesthesia? Oh, a lot has changed.
You know, Colin and I host Weekend Update now, so.
One of each.
I like it.
Now, a lot of tourists want a lot of tourists wanna check out what Mayor de Blasio's New York has to offer.
So are there any fun spots for them, or? Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
Barack, Mitt if you're looking for a berserk night out in new New York I know just the place for you.
New New York's hottest club is Whimsy.
Condemned by GLAAD and the EPA from Ghostbusters this old wet band-aid found in a jacuzzi is the kind of place that makes you feel weird the next time you see your parents.
This place has everything: kufi hats, congas MTV's Dan Cortese and that TV channel at the hotel that's like about the hotel.
The vibe inside is strange yet familiar like when you see billboards for Seinfeld reruns in a Puerto Rican neighborhood.
Yo soy Costanza.
Week nights at 6 and 6:30.
Stefon, real quick, how's Seth doing? Did he come with you? No, he's at home practicing how to sit behind a desk.
Stefon, I think the club you were describing might not be for everybody.
Do you have any other recommendations for folks looking for like, a more wholesome New York experience? Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
If you are some dumb folks looking to just get murdered I know just the place for you.
New York's hottest club is Jan's New Backpack.
Discovered by a lackluster gay realtor named Anthony who is late for every viewing.
This park slope slop bucket gives new meaning to the question Is that the little woman who played the principal in Kindergarten Cop? This place has everything: Asbestos, lupus the magazines at Supercuts Dan Cortese a doorman who always high- fives children of divorce a building that you can tell it used to be a McDonalds.
And if the bar isn't your scene, head downstairs to see the Prozac Doobie Brothers.
What are the Prozac Doobie Brothers? It's that thing of when a woman in a depression commercial gets better at the end so they show her at a smooth jazz concert.
Stefon, I know New York has changed with the new mayor but there's gotta be a few upscale places for people to check out.
Okay, yes, yes, ritzy stuff.
Okay.
If you're well-to-do and you just gotta hunt humans I know just the place for you.
New New York's hottest club is Located where Donald Trump Jr's chin should have been this wealthy whack shack, whack shack opened its doors in the 2 hours between when Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson died.
Needless to say, this place has everything: Skunks, K-fobs, Cookie Crisp Dan Cortese Right.
That backroom at Foot Locker that employees disappear into.
There's even an after hours bar filled with human defibrillators.
What is a human defibrillator? It's that thing of when your friend is having a heart attack so you take two midgets and you rub them on the carpet with static electricity.
And then they yell, "clear".
Okay All right, look Stefon, I appreciate what you're trying to do here and I know you're a friend of Update but I think you should go.
- You're right.
I should go.
The "husband" wants to drive up to Redding tomorrow to look for houses.
Wait a second.
You are looking for houses? You are not drinking or eating sushi? Stefon, is there something you want to tell us? - I am pregnant! - Congratulations! Thank you so much.
I'll let you know if we keep it.
Stefon everybody! - Good night I'm Michael.
- I'm Colin Jost, good night.
Okay everyone welcome to Puppetry for Advanced Students.
You all have some experience with puppets so we're going to be learning some techniques to really make your characters come alive.
My name is Alex and this guy is Wigglesby.
And I'm a jolly old chap, aren't I, chum? You sure are.
Now let's hear from you guys.
I'm George and I'm Herman the Hippie Wavy Gravy man look, I didn't finish my puppet.
You'll have time.
How about you? I'm Marilyn.
This is the one thing I do each week for me.
And this is old Mrs.
Hooper.
I'm having a little trouble keeping up.
What's Google? I can see she's a handful.
And you.
My name is Anthony Peter Coleman.
Private First Class, Operation Urgent Fury.
Recipient of the Purple Heart, pending further review.
Okay.
And your puppet's name? Tony.
Okay, all right.
Well let's go ahead and hear from Tony.
Go ahead.
Tell 'em.
It was a hot night in Granada.
The enemy was in the trees, the mud, everywhere.
Sarge said call in the air strike but I must have got my wires crossed.
Our own jets came screaming down on us and rained fire.
It was like a cookout and we were the meat.
I used my best friend as an umbrella.
Ok.
All right.
Well actually one thing I like to do is start off with a little joke.
You like jokes, don't you Wigglesby? Not as much as I like tea and crumpets.
You guys go ahead and give it a try.
Hey, have you guys seen the Hobbit movies? they're longer than my hair, man I swear, I have the hair at home.
It's all right, it's completely fine.
All right? Do you have a joke for us, Mrs.
Hooper? My granddaughter sent me a little picture of a snowman.
She calls it an emoji I call it a waste of time.
If I had to use emojis to describe my time in Granada it would be palm tree, flamethrower baby, flamethrower, mosquito, mosquito mosquito, mosquito, mosquito.
- Okay.
Okay, okay, okay we get, okay, hey, Tony, Tony, we're telling jokes now.
Here's a joke: God.
All right.
Actually something that makes puppets fun is that they can actually be very different from ourselves.
Like Anthony, what might be fun for all of us to see is having your puppet be like the opposite of you.
The opposite of me? Okay.
I was not charged with war crimes.
My favorite game is not Russian roulette.
I did not lose a full year of my life in porno theaters.
No, no.
I don't think, I guess I, I mean like even a, a different type of character, a different voice.
Okay.
My name is Jacqueline, and I like nice perfume.
Bonjour! Okay! Yes, that's fun! Tell us about Jacqueline.
Jacqueline was my undercover identity.
Reagan and his goons made me pose as a woman to seduce the rebel general.
I was a honeypot.
A sex trap.
I did what I had to do.
Now when you're building your puppets personality you want to think about who your audience will be.
So, where do you guys see yourselves performing with these puppets? - I know this might be a bit cliche but I always dreamed that one day I would work on Sesame Street.
Can you tell me how to get how to get the nightmares to stop Anthony, enough.
Okay? You need help.
Help, help, help! Thanks for all the help, Anthony.
No problem, Washington.
While you're with me everything will be A-OK.
- Step.
No! Is that snow, Tony? Is it Christmas already? Yeah, that's snow.
It's not your damn stuffing! Washington! Okay, let's take 5.
Sound good? - All right, so, I'm Todd.
- And I'm Casey.
- And you're watching.
- Do it on 3? 1, 2, 3.
Inside SoCal.
All right, so, our top story is our boy Ryan Templeton got married this weekend and a bunch of the boys went.
And, I'm not usually into church or gods or whatever but I thought the ceremony was super gangster.
It's always sick to see two souls uniting as one.
Also, you don't, you don't have to dance.
All right, so now, let's do Health Minute With Casey.
The Health Minute With Casey.
All right, so, Matt Newhall got vicodin and anyone can get in on that.
That was the Health Minute.
The Health Minute with Casey.
All right, so we've got a developing story.
Apparently, Emily Hyde is like super pissed at Pat right now.
So let's go to Eric at the Lynwood house see what's going on.
What's up, Eric? - What's up, guys? - What up? So I'm here with Emily and Pat.
Emily, why are you so mad at Pat right now? Cuz he beats off to pictures of my friends.
Yeah, but I don't like 'em the way I like you.
I just beat off to 'em.
Alright.
So there you have it.
As you can see things are pretty real over here.
Back to you, fools.
Now it's time for this week's Ill Investigations with my boy Todd.
Ill Investigations.
Rico Verde's is one of my favorite restaurants.
But why don't they do the red salsa anymore? I had the chance to sit down with Carla, Carla Munez who works here and see why they stopped doing it.
Where's the red salsa? All my boys love the red salsa.
- No we don't.
- Why? We.
No, no it's no more Yeah.
Are you gonna bring back the red salsa? Okay.
No more.
We don't have no more.
No more.
The red salsa used to be the best part of Rico Verde's.
All right, so I guess they're not doing the red salsa anymore.
Next, our story on Lindsay Turell who cut her hair short over the summer which looks good on her small head.
All right, which brings us to our feature story.
When you think about art, you think that's like something my dad likes or smarter style people like Michelle Grannis.
But, actually, but actually, art can be pretty gangster.
So, we sent Sean out to tell us if it's gangster.
Blue, yellow, green.
Colors in art.
But how, how baller can art be? I'm here at a museum to find out.
When they first started doing art, it was a lot older and they didn't know how to make a pimp.
But then it was more abstract.
And now you look at it and it's way more, you know Are you trying to say, trying to say it's more baller? You know what it's like, cuz it's like, you know like, I play Madden, right? And so What you talking about? I want a little refrigerator.
All right.
I think I see what you're saying, Sean.
All right, so this has been Inside SoCal.
Do you want to say the thing about your Grandpa or whatever? Yeah, so, my Grandpa died.
And we were like super close.
But I like to believe that even though he's gone he's still with us.
- Hey! - What are you doing in my house? - Sorry, sir.
- I'm Todd.
- I'm Casey.
- No sorry.
Now get out.
- We're sorry, sir.
- Get out of my garage.
- All right, we're going.
- Oh, you, you sorry.
- That's not how I sound, sir.
That is how you sound.
- Get off me! - Come on, dude! enjoy this fine day.
- It's been raining, dear mother.
As long as we've known.
- We are bored, sweet dear mother bored to the bone.
- I want someone to play with.
- Someone who's fun.
- Perhaps if we imagine we'll find the one.
Hello, little kiddies.
A-rat-a-tat-tat.
If you haven't put it together, I'm the Cat in the Hat.
Cat? What are you doing here? Linda! My God.
- You look good.
- Mommy, what's going on? - You know the cat guy? - Yes No I'm I I met him before.
Met? Wow, that's what we call it now? Okay.
I think maybe you should leave.
No, Mr.
Cat, we don't want you to go.
Can you please stay and put on a fun show? Show? Yeah, sure, a show.
I always appear when children are so sad so tell me young kiddies, where is your dad? Like does he live here? Is he in the picture, or? You know what? He's at work.
He's reliable.
I don't have to say a rhyme to make him come home.
Do some tricks! You what, you want tricks? yeah, yeah, sure.
- You like juggling? - Yeah.
I could juggle with this, I could juggle with a fish I could juggle this dish, I could You cut me out of this picture.
Well that, that makes sense, but it's hard to see.
Yeah, maybe it'd be better if you just go.
- No! He can't leave.
- They're right I literally can't leave because they imagined me.
Great.
That, well, great.
So, okay, well here we are.
No, no, look, look, look.
I didn't plan on this.
Hey look, you've got an eyelash.
Don't.
You're just trying to touch my face.
Yeah, maybe I am.
Sorry.
This is just really hard for me.
- Hey.
- Seeing you.
I know it's hard for me too.
Here, here take this.
Here, here, here.
Here, here.
Mr.
Cat, you want to see me dance? Sure.
Yeah, of course.
Hey, hey look at that.
Yeah, that's great.
Great dance.
She gets it from you.
Is she my daughter? Hidy ho, my wife and children! Cat.
Wow.
- What are you doing here? - Hey, Thing 2.
Actually, I go by Jonathing now.
Cat was just on his way out.
Oh, good! That's good.
- She picked me, Cat.
- Jonathing! I'll go, I'll go, I'll go.
I'm sorry.
I'll go.
But oh the places she let me go.
You get out of here, Cat!