Saturday Night Live (1975) s41e10 Episode Script
Adam Driver; Chris Stapleton
1 Live on the fox business network, it's the sixth republican debate.
[ Cheers and applause .]
Hello and welcome back.
I'm fox business rock star Neil cavuto and I'm Maria bartiromo.
A reminder, we've lost a few competitors since the last debate, with only seven joining us tonight.
So remember, candidates, if at any time tonight your poll numbers drop below 3% you will hear a loud gong, then be escorted off the stage like showtime at the Apollo.
[ Laughter .]
At which point you'll take a seat in the audience next to that sweet rose of the carolinas, senator Lindsey Graham.
[ Laughter .]
The next question is for our front-runner, Donald trump.
Thank you, Maria Tony romo.
[ Laughter .]
Mr.
trump, since the last debate Ted Cruz has pulled ahead of you in Iowa.
Is it true you've started attacking him because you see him as a threat? Frankly, Maria, I'm glad everyone is talking about my good friend Rafael Eduardo Cruz.
[ Laughter .]
People are coming up to me all the time saying, Donald, Ted Cruz was born in Canada, he can't be president.
His campaign is illegal.
Their words, not mine.
[ Laughter .]
Donald, this debate about natural-born citizenship is just political nonsense.
Clearly I am not Canadian.
Canadians are well liked.
[ Laughter .]
I am not.
Canadians are rugged and outdoorsy, where I myself am mostly made of pudding.
[ Laughter .]
Canadians are genuine and warm, whereas when I smile it looks like I'm peeing.
[ Laughter .]
All right.
Governor christie, if I ask you a question, do you promise not to turn your answer into a tirade against president Obama? - I promise.
How would you change the tax code? Barack Obama is the worst president in history! And when Chris christie is president, the first thing we will do is kick your rear end out of the white house, buddy.
Well, whoever is elected president Obama will be required to leave, it will be the end of his term.
Yeah.
Because I'm going to send him packing.
- He'll already have packed and left because his term will be over.
Yeah, it will.
[ Laughter .]
This next question is for jeb.
It is? [ Laughter .]
Wait, I'm sorry.
I'm wrong.
It says Ted.
Ted Cruz.
- Aw.
- Mr.
Cruz, you suggested Mr.
Trump embodies New York values.
Could you explain what you mean by that? - I think most people know exactly what New York values are.
And frankly, they are not the rest of the country's values.
Instead of celebrating Christmas, new yorkers celebrate a pagan holiday called festivus.
Instead of watching American football, they challenge each other to masturbation contests.
[ Laughter .]
In New York people don't say hi to their neighbors.
They say "hello, Newman.
" [ Laughter .]
It sounds like you're describing the TV show "Seinfeld.
" Is that what you mean by new York values? Believe me, if I could say liberal Jews, I would.
[ Laughter .]
Dr.
Carson, you've said we're not doing enough to dismantle and destroy isis.
What would you do as president? [ Laughter .]
Well, whenever I think of isis, I get so furious.
[ Laughter .]
I just go into beast mode.
Okay, look.
Okay, war has changed in the 6,000 years that the earth has existed.
[ Laughter .]
Our enemies can now send an electromagnetic pulse into our exoatmosphere scrambling our electrocity.
I'm talking dirty bombs, cyber fights, laser people.
And robotrons.
[ Laughter .]
Mr.
trump, we now turn to - China.
- Hold on.
I'm getting a call from a respected expert.
Hello? What? You're saying jeb bush is a little girl? [ Laughter .]
No, I'm not.
And he can't be president because his hand's bigger than - his face? - That's not true.
Look -- oh, dang it.
[ Laughter .]
Our next question is for Marco rubio.
Can I ask my question myself? Why am I not winning? Is it the boots? I could lose the boots.
[ Laughter .]
I mean, come on.
I'm young.
I'm smart.
I'm the only one up here with a chin.
There's six clowns up here and one human man.
Why is no one paying attention to me? - What did he say? - I wasn't listening.
Finally, we turn to governor bush.
Governor, would you like to tell everyone the joke I heard you practicing in the bathroom earlier? Okay.
[ Laughter .]
In Hillary's first 100 days as president she's going from the white house to the courthouse.
It's okay.
You don't need to tell jokes because you are one.
- Jebra.
- That's not my name.
Yes, it is.
And I have it on good authority that jebra is wearing spanx right now.
You shut up.
They're for support! [ Laughter .]
All right.
We'll take our first break.
Oh, this is exciting.
We have confirmation that Chris christie has just dipped below 3% in the national poll.
[ Gong .]
Hey, come on.
[ Siren .]
Come on, what about New Hampshire!? Come on! Well, that's a lot of fun.
We'll be right back with more.
And live from New York, it's Saturday night! [ Cheers and applause .]
Announcer: It's "Saturday night live.
" With Vanessa bayer! Beck Bennett! Aidy Bryant! Colin jost! Taran killam! Kate McKinnon! Kyle mooney! Bobby moynihan! Jay pharoah! Cecily strong! Kenan Thompson! Sasheer zamata! Featuring Michael che! Pete Davidson! Leslie Jones! Jon rudnitsky! Musical guest Chris stapleton! And your host, Adam driver! Ladies and gentlemen, Adam driver! [ Cheers and applause .]
[ Cheers and applause .]
Thank you.
Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.
Thank you very much.
Before we start, I just want to say, congratulations to the Arizona cardinals.
Welcome to the first show of [ Cheers and applause .]
Right now I'm in a movie called "star wars: The force awakens.
" [ Cheers and applause .]
Please, please, please go see it.
If this one does well, they might make another.
[ Laughter .]
I'm so fortunate to be part of such an illustrious franchise, especially since I've only been acting for a few years.
Before that I was in the military.
And I was very intimidating.
We have a photo I think to prove it.
[ Laughter .]
[ Cheers .]
Back when the the marines were accepting 12-year-olds.
[ Laughter .]
But it really is an honor to be in "star wars.
" Never, ever will you find a more devoted fan base.
They're very intense.
I know.
"Star wars" fans.
Ridiculous, right? Quick question.
[ Laughter .]
What happens in the next film, Adam? You know I can't tell you that.
They won't even tell me that.
Oh, you can't tell me because the audience is here, right? Okay.
I'm going to ask you at the after party, though.
No, you won't.
[ Laughter .]
I've been dealing with this all week.
Hey, Bobby.
Oh, come on.
It could be kenan.
Come on, it could be kenan in here.
It's not kenan.
It's Bobby.
- Where did you find that suit? - I made it.
[ Laughter .]
How much did that cost you? - 65 thou-$6500.
- Bobby, take off the mask.
Hey.
Sorry.
Is that a wig? [ Laughter .]
Yeah.
It's a wig.
The wig was 800 bucks.
Listen, I've got to know what happens to kylo ren, man.
Does he die? - Please, just tell me.
- All right.
- Fine, I die.
- Oh, no.
But my friends put sunglasses on me and I pretend I'm alive - all weekend.
- Oh, my God.
- It's perfect.
- Leave this man alone.
Okay.
What's your "star wars" question? - Man, I ain't seen "star wars.
" [ Laughter .]
I want to know why you wasn't in "the martian" with Matt Damon because y'all was the bomb in "good will hunting.
" How many times do I have to tell you, I'm Adam driver, not minnie driver.
[ Laughter .]
Oh.
You're Adam driver.
Well, I don't know what the Internet is talking about because you are fine.
[ Laughter .]
Bobby got a picture of you over his bed.
Hey, come on.
We've got a great show tonight.
Okay? Adam driver is here.
Chris stapleton is here.
We'll be right back! [ Cheers and applause .]
we're back for the fourth quarter with Arizona leading green bay 28-17.
Al Michaels here with you along with cris collinsworth.
And this game has been a nightmare for the packers, cris.
- It really has.
After losing their first three quarterbacks to injury green bay is turning to a fourth-string back who I've never heard of.
Jared schleff has not taken a snap for green bay all year.
But here he is in their biggest game of the season.
Well, the playoffs is certainly where you'll find the most unlikely of heroes.
- Absolutely.
Let's go down to the field where schleff is in the shotgun.
- He takes the snap.
- Oh, my God.
Sweet mercy! Folks, this is one of the worst injuries I've seen in my 40-year career.
- That's just devastating.
I think watching that made me sick.
Absolutely.
No one should ever have to witness something that shocking.
Let's see it again.
[ Laughter .]
Oh, my.
I do pray for him.
I do.
- Absolutely.
- Let me assure all the viewers at home that we are not going to subject you to that again.
From that angle.
[ Laughter .]
- This new angle is much better.
- Oh.
The new angle makes me think this is cgi or something.
- Legs don't do that.
- Let's go to our sideline reporter Michele tafoya, who's with packers team doctor - Lucas kavner.
- Dr.
kavner, obviously a really tough injury for schleff.
Will he be back on the field? Well, it looks pretty bad but he's a young man.
I wouldn't give up on him.
I can't diagnose him because I couldn't really see exactly what happened.
Oh, you know what? We have it right here.
Oh, lord, take my eyes! Blind me, lord! Oh, he's done.
He is done forever.
[ Laughter .]
We'll check in with Michele in a little bit.
- Obviously this is a full contact sport, but nobody should have to see something this gruesome and appalling.
Luckily we'll never have to watch that clip again.
- And the Arizona coach is asking to see the clip again.
Looks like Bruce arians has thrown a challenge flag.
- He believes that schleff fumbled the ball.
- But did he? Let's take a look.
I think that's a fumble.
Remember, the play is dead when the front of your knee - touches the ground.
- Sure.
But what about the back of your knee? - I don't know.
- In the meantime let's go back to Michele, who's with Jared schleff.
Al, Dr.
kavner is doing what he can for schleff.
He's holding a Bible.
Now he's pulled out a gun.
He seems to be weighing his options.
Back to you, Al.
Okay.
Let's move on to something fun.
Our at&T fanpinion of the game.
Tonight's fanpinion is about Jared schleff.
What do you think was the worst part of Jared's injury? Was it, a, the nauseating reality that legs could bend like that? B, that sound, that terrible sound? Or c, knowing that somewhere deep down this is why you watch football? Text us your answers.
We'll have the results after this commercial.
When we return, green bay finds another quarterback.
- Looks like the coach is asking for volunteers from the crowd.
- Big opportunity for a fan.
- Oh, wow.
[ Cheers and applause .]
Each week we follow the boss of a major organization as they go undercover to find out what's really going on in their company.
This is "undercover boss: Star killer base.
" Kylo ren is the commander of the first order, a massive regime dedicated to wiping out the galactic resistance.
This week kylo is going undercover among star killer base personnel as Matt, a radar technician.
- You get so caught up in restoring the galaxy to its rightful state that you miss what's going on behind the scenes.
I'm looking forward to having some real talk with some real folks.
We've put hidden cameras in an employee common area, and no one has any idea that Matt is their boss, kylo ren.
Hi.
I'm Matt.
I'm a radar technician.
- You guys like working here? - You know, work is work.
Yeah, totally.
What do you guys think of kylo ren? Do you guys believe it when he says he's going finish what darth vader started? - What exactly has he started? - I will say this for kylo.
- I think he gets a bad rap.
- Yeah.
He's trying to accomplish something that's never been done in the history of the galaxy.
You know, rule everything? That's impressive.
I admire the guy.
Yeah.
Exactly.
- Exactly.
- Okay, okay.
Real easy.
All you've got to do is rewire the calcinator.
- So remove this? Does that look like the calcinator? What's wrong with you? Why is it so hard for you to - understand? - I don't know.
But will you please stop yelling at me? You're starting to stress me out.
I have a new-found respect for what my employees do.
Okay, now can we rewire it, please? So I can go have my muffin? I haven't had my muffin yet, - Matt.
- It's not as easy as I presumed.
What up, Matt? Hey, you kicked my wrench.
Jerk face.
Look, I found kylo ren's light saber.
- Look at it, it's awesome.
- That thing looks dangerous man.
Poorly made like a little kid made it.
Then you don't have to look at it anymore! I'm 90% sure Matt is kylo ren.
[ Laughter .]
Yeah, it's been a rough year for my family.
We lost our son back in April.
He was in the storm trooper program.
And we're getting by.
Oh, man.
Sorry about that.
- Must be hard.
- Hearing that Zack lost his son really struck a nerve with me.
Especially since I'm the one that killed him.
[ Laughter .]
Hey.
I ran into kylo ren in the bathroom.
- He told me to give you this.
- After the rain comes the rainbow.
Sorry I killed your son.
This means something to me now.
A buddy of mine saw kylo ren take his shirt off in the shower and he said that kylo ren had an eight-pack, that kylo ren was - shredded.
- What? Your friend's a liar, man.
Kylo ren is a punk bitch.
That guy looks like he weighs 30 pounds soaking wet underneath that little black dress.
[ Laughter .]
Tim? Tim! Oh, no.
He's choking on food.
I see what's in your mind.
And it is stupid! Dude, Matt straight up sucks.
[ Laughter .]
I have a bombshell announcement to make, guys.
I'm not Matt.
I am -- - kylo ren.
- You're kylo ren.
- You're kylo ren.
- I knew when you threw me through the soda machine.
- I knew from "hi, I'm Matt.
" We really connected today.
I'm promoting you to superior - officer.
- Thank you, sir.
I had a blast today.
I really learned a lot.
And people are going to love the new me.
[ Cheers and applause .]
Aladdin, we're so high up.
I've never flown on a magic carpet before.
- It's beautiful, isn't it? But not as beautiful as you.
I can show you the world shining, shimmering splendid tell me princess Now when did you last let your heart decide a whole new world a new fantastic point of view No one to tell us no or where to go or say you're only dreaming [ Laughter .]
I really like you, Jasmine.
You're different.
- Do you like me? - Yeah, I do.
I'm sorry.
Some kind of fat bird just hit my mouth.
I need a minute.
You'll be all right, Jasmine, you're safe with me.
- Just look how far we can see.
- Yeah, I think it had a fish in its beak.
Just slow down a little.
Okay? Like I'm still into it.
That was a lot.
a whole new world a dazzling place you never knew but when I'm way up here it's crystal clear that now I'm in a whole new world with you - bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb! Oh, shoot.
We must be over Syria.
[ Laughter .]
I think I just pissed my little thing I'm wearing.
You're not sorry you're with me are you? Oh, no no no.
This is magical.
I can open your eyes - they're open.
Take you wonder by wonder - give me a second.
Over sideways and under - really cute.
On a magic carpet ride - I'm warming up to it.
A whole new world a new fantastic point of view No one to tell us no or where to go Oh say-- oh.
No.
- What just happened? - I think an airplane just emptied its toilet in the sky.
[ Laughter .]
Aladdin, take me back to the palace.
Quiet.
Something's wrong with the carpet.
I've got to make some fast decisions now.
- What's going on? We're losing altitude.
I'm going to try to put her down at that air force base.
- Did you taste sharisse's cookies that she brought to the airport? Now, a lot of people don't like hard cookies, you know -- hang on, Chris, we've got a distress call coming in.
Mayday, mayday! Requesting emergency landing! I see you, pilot.
You are clear for landing.
- This is going to be nuts.
- God be with them! [ Laughter .]
They did it! - They landed! - And look, they're in love.
A whole new world - that was rough.
That's where we'll be - I'm drenched in you know what.
a wondrous place But mama horny.
for you and me I am married.
How come you never talk about it, then? [ Cheers and applause .]
America's looking at cats Goofing off America's looking at cats messing round America's funniest cats With your host finn raynal-beads.
[ Laughter .]
Hey there.
I'm finn Reynolds, not raynal-beads.
I don't know how many times I have to throw a fit about that.
I confronted so many people and everyone just points a finger at someone else.
But someone is responsible.
That doesn't just happen.
[ Laughter .]
Hey, guys.
[ Laughter .]
Thanks for all the great pet videos this week, including this one from a cat owner who suspected someone had been going through her drawers.
Take a look.
Oh, boy.
I know they're in here somewhere.
Hey.
These panties are going to look great on this puss's Booty.
Whoa.
Sorry, ma'am.
It's not what it looks like.
[ Laughter .]
All right.
We've got an amazing treat for you today.
So apparently, there's a French version of this show.
And with me today are the two hosts, joelle larue and noelle lesoup.
- Come on out here, ladies.
- Bonjour.
Bonjour.
Okay.
Thanks for coming all the way from Paris, you guys.
Tell me a little bit about your show.
The show is called les comedie des animeaux.
- You though, in Paris we are the center of the world as far as arts and culture so when we see this show of yours we say we must have this.
We will not rest until we have the show.
[ Laughter .]
Is that real or you guys like making fun of me? - Oh, no, we just poke fun at - cats.
- They don't care.
Okay.
Well, then I'm going to let you guys handle this next clip of a cat who has his first taste of ice cream.
The cat has seconds to live.
She's cutting off her oxygen.
This life is too much to bare.
She is quietly backing out of the world.
- She will not be missed.
- Funny cat.
- Yeah, very funny cat.
- Yeah very funny cat.
[ Laughter .]
Okay, wow.
You guys do it a little different than us.
We try to make the bloopers a little sillier like with sound effects and stuff.
- Do you know what I mean? - Boy-yoy-yoing.
[ Speaking French .]
We can try boyyoy-yoing.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
That's great.
Throw some boy-yoy-yoings in there.
[ Laughter .]
I'm just going roll a bunch of clips and you guys can go crazy.
- Yes.
Of course.
Okay.
Boy-yoy-yoing.
This cat has neurological disorder.
She cannot gauge distance between herself and the couch.
- Boy-yoy-yoing.
This cat is certainly dead.
That's a death spasm.
Wacka wacka.
This cat also is dead.
- This cat is in a death costume.
- Ka-bonk, this egomaniac has walked into a TV and will not come back the same.
- Say what? - He will never trust a TV again.
Ka-bonk.
Boy-yoy-yoing.
[ Laughter .]
It's a little dark.
You know what we find fun? Gmng a cat a silly voice.
Like "oh, I'm a big fat cat and I can't fit through the cat door.
Derp.
" [ Laughter .]
Yes.
This stupid voice coming from cat would make me laugh.
- I also was very close to laughing.
But then I remember I just lost my daughter in a custody battle with my own mother.
Oh, my God.
[ Laughter .]
Let's try one more before we go back to France forever.
- Roll it.
- My husband is in here.
My husband's ashes are in this urn.
[ Laughter .]
He died from drugs but I don't care.
- He was troubled but he was mine.
- I don't want to live anymore.
I want to be in hell with him.
Where all suicides go.
Armand.
Here I come.
Ker-plang! - Boy-yoy-yoing.
- Boy-yoy-yoing.
[ Laughter .]
Okay.
Well, I'm getting word that my producer is here to tell me something.
Hopefully privately.
Well, it's not.
I want everybody to hear this.
- You're canceled.
- Well, great.
I'm glad.
I think anyone would be proud to do 18 seasons of this show.
I leave with my head held high.
Just pack your junk, raynal-beads.
Boy-yoy-yoing.
[ Laughter .]
America's looking at cats America's looking at cats [ Applause .]
Ladies and gentlemen, Chris stapleton.
[ Cheers and applause .]
Street lights along the highway throwing shadows in the dark and memories keep on turning to the rhythm of a broken heart you only need a roof when it's raining you only need a fire when it's cold You only need a drink when whiskey is the only thing you have left to hold Sun comes up and goes back down falling feels like flying till you hit the ground Say the word and I'll be there for you baby, I will be your parachute There's a song that I remember I never learned to play and a lifetime of forgotten words I never got to say You only need a roof when it's raining you only need a fire when it's cold You only need a drink when it's whiskey is the only thing you have left to hold sun comes up And goes back down falling feels like flying till you hit the ground say the word and I'll be there for you baby, I will be your parachute parachute If you think you're going down just know I will be around You only need a roof when it's raining you only need a fire when it's cold You only need a drink when whiskey is the only thing that you have left to hold Sun comes up and goes back down falling feels like flying till you hit the ground Say the word and I'll be there for you baby, I will be your baby, I will be your parachute [ Cheers and applause .]
Announcer: It's "weekend update" with Colin jost and Michael che.
[ Cheers and applause .]
- Good evening, everyone.
- Welcome to "weekend update.
" - I'm Michael che.
- I'm Colin jost.
And here are tonight's top stories.
At the gop debate, Donald trump defended his concerns about whether Ted Cruz, who was born in Canada to an American mother, is eligible to be president, saying there's a big question mark on your head.
But there's also a big question mark on trump's head if the wind hits him just right.
[ Laughter .]
U.
S.
officials today announced Iran is releasing five detained Americans in exchange for seven iranians held by the U.
S.
President Obama praised the deal while an outraged Ben Carson said he wouldn't be satisfied with any deal that didn't include the prisoner of Azkaban.
[ Laughter .]
A new poll shows that Bernie Sanders leads Hillary Clinton by 19 points among female millennial voters who like his proposals such as free college tuition.
I don't know.
Typically when young women trust some old dude who promises to pay for their college, it doesn't always end well.
[ Laughter .]
The NFL announced that the St.
Louis rams will return to Los Angeles, which I knew was coming the second I saw their mascot got some work done.
The Oscar nominations were announced Thursday and for the second year in a row people are complaining about the lack of diversity among nominees.
But as a person of color, you know, I'd be happy if the academy just nominated movies that people have actually seen.
I mean, are you telling me that anybody here has actually seen "room" or "Brooklyn" or "the golden moon"? You're lying because I made that last one up.
[ Laughter .]
If you want people to watch the academy awards, you have to give us something we can root for.
Okay? Just imagine how excited kids would be to see "star wars" win or black people to see "straight outta Compton" win.
Or how excited Colin would be to see "staten island summer" nominated.
[ Laughter .]
The oscars should showcase more of the movies that people actually watch.
Like porno.
Why can't porn be nominated? Oh, you're telling me it's okay to watch movies about people killing and dying and explosions and death and that's all perfectly fine but if I want to watch two people make love I've got to close my laptop because I'm disturbing the other passengers? Who's really the sicko? [ Laughter .]
President Obama says that he will sign an executive order mandating universal background checks for gun purchases, which many in congress oppose.
With more on this is our own Pete Davidson.
[ Cheers and applause .]
Hi, buddy.
I don't understand -- oh, thank you, lady.
[ Laughter .]
I don't understand why anyone would be against background checks.
I wish I did a background check on my roommate.
I might have found out he gets his haircuts in the lmng room.
Or he uses my toothbrush to clean his toothbrush.
[ Laughter .]
I actually saw a show that said the debate was reopened about whether mentally ill people should be able to own guns.
Which I didn't know was debatable.
Like one guy even said, "I don't think the founding fathers wanted people to lose their rights just because they had a mental illness.
" Which I guess sounds like it makes sense, until you remember we're talking about the 1700s, when the most popular treatment for schizophrenia was like, fire.
[ Laughter .]
Like just lots of fire.
They didn't have Lexapro.
You know? As if that wasn't weird enough, Texas just passed a law allowing people to carry guns into mental institutions.
That's a real thing.
[ Laughter .]
Not like a joke that we wrote.
Like that happens now.
[ Laughter .]
Here's a fun fact about me.
When I was a kid I was pretty depressed and I spent some time in a mental institution twice.
So far.
[ Laughter .]
I'll be back.
[ Laughter .]
And I learned two things.
One, the craziest guy there gets to control the TV.
His name was two-eyed Willie.
Wait, hold on a second, why did they call him two eyed Willie? They weren't his.
[ Laughter .]
And the second thing is none of those people including me should ever be allowed near a gun.
I can't believe they let me drive.
Like, every time I get behind the wheel I'm like, wow, somebody really dropped the ball, here.
[ Laughter .]
This is awesome.
If I owned a gun I'd have to buy a new TV every time the Knicks lost.
The reason Obama's going straight to an executive order is because congress refused to even pass a law banning people on the no-fly list from buying a gun.
But like, shouldn't the gun list be the stricter list? Like that means somebody out there is being told like, "sorry, sir, we don't trust you to fly to Cleveland, but if you want to buy this assault rifle and take the bus.
" [ Laughter .]
They don't have security on the bus, man.
It's just the driver, who like might turn around once in a while and be like, "hey!" [ Laughter .]
Pete Davidson, everyone.
The armed protesters in Oregon were upset after they made a plea for supplies and were sent a box containing sex toys.
They were so upset, you could hear them loudly moaning about it.
[ Laughter .]
A woman in California is claiming that she found a severed fingertip in an applebee's salad.
Despite their promise to only add a tip for parties of six or more.
[ Laughter .]
According to a report, former New York City mayor Mike bloomberg secretly commissioned a poll last month to see how he would do if he ran for president as a third-party candidate.
And I for one would love to see bloomberg run against trump.
They're both New York billionaires yet they're so different.
It's like a political version of the movie "twins.
" [ Laughter .]
Bloomberg, he looks like he'd speak softly and carry a big stick.
Trump looks like he'd yell loudly while his goons beat you with sticks.
Or maybe they should just team up.
You know how trump is always saying "I'm going to get the smartest guy.
" Bloomberg is the smartest guy.
He could be the whole brain for the operation and live inside trump like krang from ninja turtles.
[ Laughter .]
But mostly I just want to see bloomberg at a campaign rally in Mississippi and he tells everyone there he's taking their sodas away and they just rip him to pieces.
[ Laughter .]
Plus if we follow a black president from Chicago with a Jewish president from New York, the South is definitely going to secede again.
[ Laughter .]
How would we even top that? We'd have to find a Muslim president from Hollywood.
Pressure's on, Sayid from "lost.
" [ Laughter .]
A British sex toy company has constructed a private booth in New York City for men to masturbate in.
Good.
Because I'm getting tired of doing it in Colin's office.
[ Laughter .]
- Wait, what? - I'm kidding, man.
I would never get tired of masturbating in your office.
[ Laughter .]
Man, I sleep in there.
I'm quiet.
[ Laughter .]
A new study finds that nearly half of non-smoking teenagers in the U.
S.
are exposed to secondhand smoke, while the other half don't have step-dads.
[ Laughter .]
Big step-dad crew here tonight.
Arizona police arrested a man who traveled all the way from Pennsylvania to have sex with a horse.
I mean, is that why he said he was there? Because if so, he definitely came to do something way worse.
[ Laughter .]
"Hey, you, what are you doing?" Oh, me? Nothing.
I was just going to have sex with a horse.
Okay, you got me.
I'm isis.
[ Laughter .]
A new study finds that the most common names of geniuses are John and Mary, while the least common are Becky and Shaq.
[ Laughter .]
Oregon police arrested a man who tried to steal a two-foot-long python from a pet store by stuffing it down in his pants.
Yeah.
Said the man, "I'll give you a hint about which snake in my pants is bigger.
It's the one that just bit my penis.
" [ Laughter .]
A teenage girl in Virginia saved her father after he was trapped under a burning pickup truck and she lifted it off him.
And that story has already been nominated for eight country music awards.
[ Laughter .]
And now for our newscasters of tomorrow series, where we let kids read the news.
Tonight's junior anchor is a 12-year-old actress who's in the upcoming nickelodeon movie "study break tummy ache.
" Please welcome Laura Parsons.
[ Applause .]
Hello, Michael.
What a thrill it is to be here.
news talking about news live on the scene it's 2016 And that's in the news That's so adorable.
I hear you're going to report some stories for us.
I'd love to.
This week Mexican fugitive, El chapo was captured after escaping from prison.
You may remember that El chapo is a merciless drug lord who was convicted of selling millions of dollars worth of narcotics, including marijuana, heroin and cocaine.
[ Laughter .]
Laura, do you even know what - cocaine is? - Not exactly.
But I think it's a powder that makes your brain go, "I'm amazing!" [ Laughter .]
I guess that's right.
Look, Laura, don't you have any stories that are more fun or silly? The Oregon militiamen are mad because they asked for supplies, but instead people sent them dildos! [ Laughter .]
Let's just get away from the news altogether, okay? How did you spend your holiday break? - Well, I watched a lot of TV.
- That's great.
- I love the show "glee.
" It's got wonderful singing and acting and dancing.
Everyone in the cast is such a great role model for me.
Except the guy who plays puck, because he just got arrested for child pornography! [ Laughter .]
- Laura! - Police found over 1,000 pictures of naked kids.
[ Laughter .]
Okay, Laura, did anything good happen to anyone this week? Sure did.
Comedian bill cosby was released on bail.
[ Laughter .]
- No.
- He's so funny.
Laura, the case against bill cosby is very serious.
- Do you even know what he did? - I think so.
He gave some medicine to people, even though they didn't need the - medicine.
- That's right.
And then he raped them.
[ Laughter .]
Laura Parsons, everybody.
and that's in the news For "weekend update," I'm Michael che.
I'm Colin jost.
Good night.
[ Cheers and applause .]
Guys, if I had a remote, I'd be hitting mute.
Okay? That's better.
So we're continuing awareness week today with four speakers who'd like to talk to you about bullying.
Hey, team.
I'm Wendell.
This is Harper.
And we're here to talk to you about a form of mental harassment that we both got mixed up in during high school.
Who's familiar with social puppeteering? - Wow, that's surprising.
- Okay.
In simplest terms it's manipulating others for your own amusement.
Hijacking someone's reality to feel powerful.
- Here's an example of something I did.
In sixth grade I paid like 80 kids a buck to go up to this kid Nathan and say, "hey, nice hat.
" So what's the problem? Nathan wasn't wearing a hat.
If 80 kids say you're wearing a hat you start thinking maybe I am wearing a hat.
[ Laughter .]
And watching him wrestle with that made me feel good.
I took the most valuable thing he had.
His mind.
[ Laughter .]
That's the idea behind social puppeteering.
Any questions? Yeah.
How come I didn't know about - this? - I know.
- It sounds so fun.
- Okay.
Guys, this shouldn't sound fun to you.
Okay? They're here to tell you how bad - it is.
- Absolutely.
I mean, guys, if you get into this, it will take over your life.
I spent thousands of dollars honey I shrunk the kid's-ing my cousin.
- Oh, please explain that.
- I hired day laborers to build an enormous replica of his room in an airplane hangar.
So he woke up in a three-story bed the length of an olympic swimming pooling thinking he's now half an inch tall.
I mean, I went all out.
I got the people who made the Jurassic park dinosaurs to build a giant animatronic daddy longlegs he had to fight.
He peed himself and hid in a giant lego for hours.
It was pretty great.
[ Laughter .]
Also wrong.
It really will ruin your life, gang.
My brother doesn't speak to me because I vampired him.
I won't bore you with the details.
- No, please do.
- Well, in a nutshell, I hired this weird albino dude to bite him and run away.
[ Laughter .]
And a week later I start sprinkling a small amount of Molly into his dinner every night.
So at night he feels amazing.
But during the day he feels a little bummed out because the Molly was wearing off.
[ Laughter .]
So he started craving the night because that's when he got the Molly.
[ Laughter .]
The nighttime became his magical time.
He was convinced that he was a vampire.
- He bit our dad.
- Excuse me.
I'm sorry to interrupt, but I think I that I have been socially puppeteered.
See, I'm not a transfer student.
I'm a 37-year-old man.
Two months ago what I thought was an elite police squad hired me to pose as a high school student and gather intel about a new drug called squiff.
But I haven't heard from them since.
And they definitely haven't been paying me.
Oh, yeah.
I'm so sorry but you got 21 jump - streeted.
- Wow.
I can't believe it happened to me.
- It can happen to anyone.
- Don't be a puppet.
Learn more at [ Cheers and applause .]
[ Cheers and applause .]
When I was in high school and lmng in long island, I stayed up to see David bowie play on "Saturday night live.
" And watching him was for me a life-changing experience.
He had these backup singers that were like choir singers from the future and a toy poodle with like a TV monitor in his mouth.
David bowie transformed whatever space he was in, whatever medium he was using.
And that night for me he transformed live television.
I encourage you to go to nbc.
Com to watch all of his performances from that night in 1979.
And now, David bowie.
[ Cheers and applause .]
we passed upon the stairs and spoke of was and when although I wasn't there he said I was his friend which came as some surprise I spoke into his eyes I thought you died alone a long long time ago oh no not me I never lost control you're face to face with the man who sold the world I laughed and shook his hand [ Cheers and applause .]
And Carl rosetti at dreamworks, this was your vision.
- Thank you to Debbie lieberman and the whole team at caa.
And -- oh, and to this wonderful man beside me.
My writing partner and my husband.
Kevin, you are my rock.
And of course my two beautiful children, Cody and Madison.
Mommy and daddy did it.
And if you're watching this, go to bed.
[ Applause .]
You heard mom.
We have to go to bed.
But I'm not tired.
Dear lord, thank you for gmng mommy and daddy a golden globe.
And please watch over us until they get home.
- Amen.
- But we didn't get a story.
You heard mom.
We have to go to bed right now.
[ Laughter .]
Are you awake? - Yeah.
- Do you think mommy and daddy are thinking about us? - I know they are.
Ha, ha! We won a fricking golden globes! This is the best thing that ever happened to us! Aaaaah! mom looked pretty when she left.
Do you think she's ever going to - come back? - Yes.
Of course.
I don't know.
[ Laughter .]
I just stood next to liev schreiber at the urinal.
Saw his whole [ Bleep .]
.
It's huge.
I knew it.
This whole night is so amazing.
[ Owl hooing .]
- What was that? - It's probably nothing.
[ Laughter .]
Look at me.
- I'm ray Donovan.
- You're so funny.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, guys, guys, sorry.
Stars only.
[ Bleep .]
You, man.
Don't push my wife! Be a man for once, Kevin.
Hit him.
You don't want to hit me, sir.
Hold on to your hat.
You're about to get pounded! [ Laughter .]
Come back here! - Look.
I told you they'd come back.
[ Laughter .]
You kids like eggs? Yeah.
Good.
Me too.
Your parents are very cool people.
Very cool.
We had a good, cool time.
[ Laughter .]
You kids can dress yourselves - for school, right? - Mm-hmm.
That'd probably be best.
[ Eggs cracking .]
I hate the globes.
- I love you, big brother.
- I love you too.
[ Applause .]
Once again, Chris stapleton.
[ Cheers and applause .]
She took down the photograph of our wedding day ripped it down the middle and threw my hat away And I got nobody to blame but me I got nobody to blame but me she broke all my Fishing rods put my guns in hock threw my clothes out in the yard and changed out all the locks And I got nobody to blame but me I got nobody to blame but me I know right where I went wrong I know just what got her gone turned my life into this country song And I got nobody to blame but me I got nobody to blame but me She fired up my old hot rod ran it in the pond put sugar in my John deere I can't even mow my lawn and I got nobody to blame but me I got nobody to blame but me she built her a bonfire with my old six string took all my good whiskey and poured it down the drain and I got nobody to blame but me I got nobody to blame but me I know right where I went wrong I know just what got her gone turned my life into a country song and I got nobody to blame but me I got nobody to blame but me nobody to blame but me I got nobody to blame but me I got nobody to blame but me [ Cheers and applause .]
[ Laughter .]
Nurse, who is my next patient? Oh, no.
He hurt his big thigh during the game? Send him in.
Hi, doctor.
I need help with my body.
Ow.
Ow.
Ooh.
Ow.
I hurt my big thigh during the big game.
- Right when I was about to score.
- Well, maybe I can help you score.
Right now.
- Where does it hurt? - Way up at the top part of my thigh.
I don't know.
About a centimeter below my ball sack.
[ Laughter .]
Let me take a look.
- How does it feel when I do this? - Uh, I don't know.
Doctor.
I'm not gay.
- Are you sure? - Good point.
I'm convinced.
Let's do sex.
- Oh, yeah.
- F yeah.
- Oh, yeah.
- F yeah.
- Yes.
- Excuse me.
Dr.
rockhard? I had a 2:00 appointment and I still have not been seen.
- Huh? Yeah.
All these big muscular guys keep cutting me.
But my mom said I need to see a doctor right away.
I've been throwing up all day and my stomach is real sore.
Me too.
My groin is sore.
And I need to make it more sore.
What? You've got to make it more sore? All right.
I mean, you went to medical school, not me.
Yeah.
I graduated best top in my class.
[ Laughter .]
Wow.
That's awesome, Dr.
rockhard.
- And I'm always on bottom.
- Well, that's nothing to brag about.
I will be in the waiting room with my mom.
But please hurry, Dr.
rockhard.
So patient, you play soccer.
Does that mean you're good at juggling balls? - With my feet.
Wow.
That's hot.
But there's a problem, doctor.
- I don't have health insurance.
- That's okay.
I think I can figure out another way for you to pay.
- Oh, f.
- Oh, yeah.
- F yeah.
- Oh, f yeah.
Excuse me, doctor.
I kind of overheard because I wasn't all the way gone yet.
My mom also doesn't have health insurance.
So can we pay however he's - paying? - Uh.
I mean, she does have health insurance but it doesn't kick in until the 1st of the month.
She has blue cross.
And I have blue balls.
[ Laughter .]
Oh, no.
You need 50 ccs of boner, stat.
- All this medical talk goes over my head.
I'm next, right? - Yeah.
- Are you positive? Yeah.
But don't tell them or they'll - make me leave.
- Okay.
Whatever you say, Dr.
rockhard.
[ Laughter .]
Oh, no, doctor.
Now my other big thigh hurts.
You're in luck.
I've got medication that cures anything.
But I don't know if you'll be - able to swallow it.
- Why? - Is it big? - Oh, yeah.
- So big.
- How big is it, doctor? - Too big for you to swallow.
- Ooh.
- Oh, is it like a gel cap? - What? Because I know those are big but I can get them down with water.
And if not my mom can cut them in half and put them in my mashed potatoes.
Please, Dr.
rockhard.
Give it to me.
- My stomach hurts really bad.
- I can't give it to you.
- But I can give it to your mom.
- Hell, yeah.
Okay.
That works too.
Thank you, Dr.
rockhard.
You know, my mom was nervous about this doctor's office because when she went on your website it morning it crashed her whole computer.
But I think you're cool.
So thanks for squeezing me in.
I love to squeeze things in.
[ Laughter .]
I know.
You're jam-packed today.
About to be.
[ Laughter .]
- Well, it must be hard.
- It has to be hard.
[ Laughter .]
Well, I'll get out of your hair.
I don't have any hair.
[ Laughter .]
Okay thanks.
Now, let's get back to that big thigh.
But I think I need a second, third, fourth, and fifth opinion.
- Oh, yeah.
- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Yeah.
- Wait a minute.
All these doctors work here? Will someone please help me? Hello.
[ Cheers and applause .]
Thanks to Chris stapleton, Fred armisen, lorne, this amazing cast, all the writers, and to our men and women serving overseas, get home safe.
Thank you very much.
Good night.
[ Cheers and applause .]
[ Cheers and applause .]
Hello and welcome back.
I'm fox business rock star Neil cavuto and I'm Maria bartiromo.
A reminder, we've lost a few competitors since the last debate, with only seven joining us tonight.
So remember, candidates, if at any time tonight your poll numbers drop below 3% you will hear a loud gong, then be escorted off the stage like showtime at the Apollo.
[ Laughter .]
At which point you'll take a seat in the audience next to that sweet rose of the carolinas, senator Lindsey Graham.
[ Laughter .]
The next question is for our front-runner, Donald trump.
Thank you, Maria Tony romo.
[ Laughter .]
Mr.
trump, since the last debate Ted Cruz has pulled ahead of you in Iowa.
Is it true you've started attacking him because you see him as a threat? Frankly, Maria, I'm glad everyone is talking about my good friend Rafael Eduardo Cruz.
[ Laughter .]
People are coming up to me all the time saying, Donald, Ted Cruz was born in Canada, he can't be president.
His campaign is illegal.
Their words, not mine.
[ Laughter .]
Donald, this debate about natural-born citizenship is just political nonsense.
Clearly I am not Canadian.
Canadians are well liked.
[ Laughter .]
I am not.
Canadians are rugged and outdoorsy, where I myself am mostly made of pudding.
[ Laughter .]
Canadians are genuine and warm, whereas when I smile it looks like I'm peeing.
[ Laughter .]
All right.
Governor christie, if I ask you a question, do you promise not to turn your answer into a tirade against president Obama? - I promise.
How would you change the tax code? Barack Obama is the worst president in history! And when Chris christie is president, the first thing we will do is kick your rear end out of the white house, buddy.
Well, whoever is elected president Obama will be required to leave, it will be the end of his term.
Yeah.
Because I'm going to send him packing.
- He'll already have packed and left because his term will be over.
Yeah, it will.
[ Laughter .]
This next question is for jeb.
It is? [ Laughter .]
Wait, I'm sorry.
I'm wrong.
It says Ted.
Ted Cruz.
- Aw.
- Mr.
Cruz, you suggested Mr.
Trump embodies New York values.
Could you explain what you mean by that? - I think most people know exactly what New York values are.
And frankly, they are not the rest of the country's values.
Instead of celebrating Christmas, new yorkers celebrate a pagan holiday called festivus.
Instead of watching American football, they challenge each other to masturbation contests.
[ Laughter .]
In New York people don't say hi to their neighbors.
They say "hello, Newman.
" [ Laughter .]
It sounds like you're describing the TV show "Seinfeld.
" Is that what you mean by new York values? Believe me, if I could say liberal Jews, I would.
[ Laughter .]
Dr.
Carson, you've said we're not doing enough to dismantle and destroy isis.
What would you do as president? [ Laughter .]
Well, whenever I think of isis, I get so furious.
[ Laughter .]
I just go into beast mode.
Okay, look.
Okay, war has changed in the 6,000 years that the earth has existed.
[ Laughter .]
Our enemies can now send an electromagnetic pulse into our exoatmosphere scrambling our electrocity.
I'm talking dirty bombs, cyber fights, laser people.
And robotrons.
[ Laughter .]
Mr.
trump, we now turn to - China.
- Hold on.
I'm getting a call from a respected expert.
Hello? What? You're saying jeb bush is a little girl? [ Laughter .]
No, I'm not.
And he can't be president because his hand's bigger than - his face? - That's not true.
Look -- oh, dang it.
[ Laughter .]
Our next question is for Marco rubio.
Can I ask my question myself? Why am I not winning? Is it the boots? I could lose the boots.
[ Laughter .]
I mean, come on.
I'm young.
I'm smart.
I'm the only one up here with a chin.
There's six clowns up here and one human man.
Why is no one paying attention to me? - What did he say? - I wasn't listening.
Finally, we turn to governor bush.
Governor, would you like to tell everyone the joke I heard you practicing in the bathroom earlier? Okay.
[ Laughter .]
In Hillary's first 100 days as president she's going from the white house to the courthouse.
It's okay.
You don't need to tell jokes because you are one.
- Jebra.
- That's not my name.
Yes, it is.
And I have it on good authority that jebra is wearing spanx right now.
You shut up.
They're for support! [ Laughter .]
All right.
We'll take our first break.
Oh, this is exciting.
We have confirmation that Chris christie has just dipped below 3% in the national poll.
[ Gong .]
Hey, come on.
[ Siren .]
Come on, what about New Hampshire!? Come on! Well, that's a lot of fun.
We'll be right back with more.
And live from New York, it's Saturday night! [ Cheers and applause .]
Announcer: It's "Saturday night live.
" With Vanessa bayer! Beck Bennett! Aidy Bryant! Colin jost! Taran killam! Kate McKinnon! Kyle mooney! Bobby moynihan! Jay pharoah! Cecily strong! Kenan Thompson! Sasheer zamata! Featuring Michael che! Pete Davidson! Leslie Jones! Jon rudnitsky! Musical guest Chris stapleton! And your host, Adam driver! Ladies and gentlemen, Adam driver! [ Cheers and applause .]
[ Cheers and applause .]
Thank you.
Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.
Thank you very much.
Before we start, I just want to say, congratulations to the Arizona cardinals.
Welcome to the first show of [ Cheers and applause .]
Right now I'm in a movie called "star wars: The force awakens.
" [ Cheers and applause .]
Please, please, please go see it.
If this one does well, they might make another.
[ Laughter .]
I'm so fortunate to be part of such an illustrious franchise, especially since I've only been acting for a few years.
Before that I was in the military.
And I was very intimidating.
We have a photo I think to prove it.
[ Laughter .]
[ Cheers .]
Back when the the marines were accepting 12-year-olds.
[ Laughter .]
But it really is an honor to be in "star wars.
" Never, ever will you find a more devoted fan base.
They're very intense.
I know.
"Star wars" fans.
Ridiculous, right? Quick question.
[ Laughter .]
What happens in the next film, Adam? You know I can't tell you that.
They won't even tell me that.
Oh, you can't tell me because the audience is here, right? Okay.
I'm going to ask you at the after party, though.
No, you won't.
[ Laughter .]
I've been dealing with this all week.
Hey, Bobby.
Oh, come on.
It could be kenan.
Come on, it could be kenan in here.
It's not kenan.
It's Bobby.
- Where did you find that suit? - I made it.
[ Laughter .]
How much did that cost you? - 65 thou-$6500.
- Bobby, take off the mask.
Hey.
Sorry.
Is that a wig? [ Laughter .]
Yeah.
It's a wig.
The wig was 800 bucks.
Listen, I've got to know what happens to kylo ren, man.
Does he die? - Please, just tell me.
- All right.
- Fine, I die.
- Oh, no.
But my friends put sunglasses on me and I pretend I'm alive - all weekend.
- Oh, my God.
- It's perfect.
- Leave this man alone.
Okay.
What's your "star wars" question? - Man, I ain't seen "star wars.
" [ Laughter .]
I want to know why you wasn't in "the martian" with Matt Damon because y'all was the bomb in "good will hunting.
" How many times do I have to tell you, I'm Adam driver, not minnie driver.
[ Laughter .]
Oh.
You're Adam driver.
Well, I don't know what the Internet is talking about because you are fine.
[ Laughter .]
Bobby got a picture of you over his bed.
Hey, come on.
We've got a great show tonight.
Okay? Adam driver is here.
Chris stapleton is here.
We'll be right back! [ Cheers and applause .]
we're back for the fourth quarter with Arizona leading green bay 28-17.
Al Michaels here with you along with cris collinsworth.
And this game has been a nightmare for the packers, cris.
- It really has.
After losing their first three quarterbacks to injury green bay is turning to a fourth-string back who I've never heard of.
Jared schleff has not taken a snap for green bay all year.
But here he is in their biggest game of the season.
Well, the playoffs is certainly where you'll find the most unlikely of heroes.
- Absolutely.
Let's go down to the field where schleff is in the shotgun.
- He takes the snap.
- Oh, my God.
Sweet mercy! Folks, this is one of the worst injuries I've seen in my 40-year career.
- That's just devastating.
I think watching that made me sick.
Absolutely.
No one should ever have to witness something that shocking.
Let's see it again.
[ Laughter .]
Oh, my.
I do pray for him.
I do.
- Absolutely.
- Let me assure all the viewers at home that we are not going to subject you to that again.
From that angle.
[ Laughter .]
- This new angle is much better.
- Oh.
The new angle makes me think this is cgi or something.
- Legs don't do that.
- Let's go to our sideline reporter Michele tafoya, who's with packers team doctor - Lucas kavner.
- Dr.
kavner, obviously a really tough injury for schleff.
Will he be back on the field? Well, it looks pretty bad but he's a young man.
I wouldn't give up on him.
I can't diagnose him because I couldn't really see exactly what happened.
Oh, you know what? We have it right here.
Oh, lord, take my eyes! Blind me, lord! Oh, he's done.
He is done forever.
[ Laughter .]
We'll check in with Michele in a little bit.
- Obviously this is a full contact sport, but nobody should have to see something this gruesome and appalling.
Luckily we'll never have to watch that clip again.
- And the Arizona coach is asking to see the clip again.
Looks like Bruce arians has thrown a challenge flag.
- He believes that schleff fumbled the ball.
- But did he? Let's take a look.
I think that's a fumble.
Remember, the play is dead when the front of your knee - touches the ground.
- Sure.
But what about the back of your knee? - I don't know.
- In the meantime let's go back to Michele, who's with Jared schleff.
Al, Dr.
kavner is doing what he can for schleff.
He's holding a Bible.
Now he's pulled out a gun.
He seems to be weighing his options.
Back to you, Al.
Okay.
Let's move on to something fun.
Our at&T fanpinion of the game.
Tonight's fanpinion is about Jared schleff.
What do you think was the worst part of Jared's injury? Was it, a, the nauseating reality that legs could bend like that? B, that sound, that terrible sound? Or c, knowing that somewhere deep down this is why you watch football? Text us your answers.
We'll have the results after this commercial.
When we return, green bay finds another quarterback.
- Looks like the coach is asking for volunteers from the crowd.
- Big opportunity for a fan.
- Oh, wow.
[ Cheers and applause .]
Each week we follow the boss of a major organization as they go undercover to find out what's really going on in their company.
This is "undercover boss: Star killer base.
" Kylo ren is the commander of the first order, a massive regime dedicated to wiping out the galactic resistance.
This week kylo is going undercover among star killer base personnel as Matt, a radar technician.
- You get so caught up in restoring the galaxy to its rightful state that you miss what's going on behind the scenes.
I'm looking forward to having some real talk with some real folks.
We've put hidden cameras in an employee common area, and no one has any idea that Matt is their boss, kylo ren.
Hi.
I'm Matt.
I'm a radar technician.
- You guys like working here? - You know, work is work.
Yeah, totally.
What do you guys think of kylo ren? Do you guys believe it when he says he's going finish what darth vader started? - What exactly has he started? - I will say this for kylo.
- I think he gets a bad rap.
- Yeah.
He's trying to accomplish something that's never been done in the history of the galaxy.
You know, rule everything? That's impressive.
I admire the guy.
Yeah.
Exactly.
- Exactly.
- Okay, okay.
Real easy.
All you've got to do is rewire the calcinator.
- So remove this? Does that look like the calcinator? What's wrong with you? Why is it so hard for you to - understand? - I don't know.
But will you please stop yelling at me? You're starting to stress me out.
I have a new-found respect for what my employees do.
Okay, now can we rewire it, please? So I can go have my muffin? I haven't had my muffin yet, - Matt.
- It's not as easy as I presumed.
What up, Matt? Hey, you kicked my wrench.
Jerk face.
Look, I found kylo ren's light saber.
- Look at it, it's awesome.
- That thing looks dangerous man.
Poorly made like a little kid made it.
Then you don't have to look at it anymore! I'm 90% sure Matt is kylo ren.
[ Laughter .]
Yeah, it's been a rough year for my family.
We lost our son back in April.
He was in the storm trooper program.
And we're getting by.
Oh, man.
Sorry about that.
- Must be hard.
- Hearing that Zack lost his son really struck a nerve with me.
Especially since I'm the one that killed him.
[ Laughter .]
Hey.
I ran into kylo ren in the bathroom.
- He told me to give you this.
- After the rain comes the rainbow.
Sorry I killed your son.
This means something to me now.
A buddy of mine saw kylo ren take his shirt off in the shower and he said that kylo ren had an eight-pack, that kylo ren was - shredded.
- What? Your friend's a liar, man.
Kylo ren is a punk bitch.
That guy looks like he weighs 30 pounds soaking wet underneath that little black dress.
[ Laughter .]
Tim? Tim! Oh, no.
He's choking on food.
I see what's in your mind.
And it is stupid! Dude, Matt straight up sucks.
[ Laughter .]
I have a bombshell announcement to make, guys.
I'm not Matt.
I am -- - kylo ren.
- You're kylo ren.
- You're kylo ren.
- I knew when you threw me through the soda machine.
- I knew from "hi, I'm Matt.
" We really connected today.
I'm promoting you to superior - officer.
- Thank you, sir.
I had a blast today.
I really learned a lot.
And people are going to love the new me.
[ Cheers and applause .]
Aladdin, we're so high up.
I've never flown on a magic carpet before.
- It's beautiful, isn't it? But not as beautiful as you.
I can show you the world shining, shimmering splendid tell me princess Now when did you last let your heart decide a whole new world a new fantastic point of view No one to tell us no or where to go or say you're only dreaming [ Laughter .]
I really like you, Jasmine.
You're different.
- Do you like me? - Yeah, I do.
I'm sorry.
Some kind of fat bird just hit my mouth.
I need a minute.
You'll be all right, Jasmine, you're safe with me.
- Just look how far we can see.
- Yeah, I think it had a fish in its beak.
Just slow down a little.
Okay? Like I'm still into it.
That was a lot.
a whole new world a dazzling place you never knew but when I'm way up here it's crystal clear that now I'm in a whole new world with you - bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb! Oh, shoot.
We must be over Syria.
[ Laughter .]
I think I just pissed my little thing I'm wearing.
You're not sorry you're with me are you? Oh, no no no.
This is magical.
I can open your eyes - they're open.
Take you wonder by wonder - give me a second.
Over sideways and under - really cute.
On a magic carpet ride - I'm warming up to it.
A whole new world a new fantastic point of view No one to tell us no or where to go Oh say-- oh.
No.
- What just happened? - I think an airplane just emptied its toilet in the sky.
[ Laughter .]
Aladdin, take me back to the palace.
Quiet.
Something's wrong with the carpet.
I've got to make some fast decisions now.
- What's going on? We're losing altitude.
I'm going to try to put her down at that air force base.
- Did you taste sharisse's cookies that she brought to the airport? Now, a lot of people don't like hard cookies, you know -- hang on, Chris, we've got a distress call coming in.
Mayday, mayday! Requesting emergency landing! I see you, pilot.
You are clear for landing.
- This is going to be nuts.
- God be with them! [ Laughter .]
They did it! - They landed! - And look, they're in love.
A whole new world - that was rough.
That's where we'll be - I'm drenched in you know what.
a wondrous place But mama horny.
for you and me I am married.
How come you never talk about it, then? [ Cheers and applause .]
America's looking at cats Goofing off America's looking at cats messing round America's funniest cats With your host finn raynal-beads.
[ Laughter .]
Hey there.
I'm finn Reynolds, not raynal-beads.
I don't know how many times I have to throw a fit about that.
I confronted so many people and everyone just points a finger at someone else.
But someone is responsible.
That doesn't just happen.
[ Laughter .]
Hey, guys.
[ Laughter .]
Thanks for all the great pet videos this week, including this one from a cat owner who suspected someone had been going through her drawers.
Take a look.
Oh, boy.
I know they're in here somewhere.
Hey.
These panties are going to look great on this puss's Booty.
Whoa.
Sorry, ma'am.
It's not what it looks like.
[ Laughter .]
All right.
We've got an amazing treat for you today.
So apparently, there's a French version of this show.
And with me today are the two hosts, joelle larue and noelle lesoup.
- Come on out here, ladies.
- Bonjour.
Bonjour.
Okay.
Thanks for coming all the way from Paris, you guys.
Tell me a little bit about your show.
The show is called les comedie des animeaux.
- You though, in Paris we are the center of the world as far as arts and culture so when we see this show of yours we say we must have this.
We will not rest until we have the show.
[ Laughter .]
Is that real or you guys like making fun of me? - Oh, no, we just poke fun at - cats.
- They don't care.
Okay.
Well, then I'm going to let you guys handle this next clip of a cat who has his first taste of ice cream.
The cat has seconds to live.
She's cutting off her oxygen.
This life is too much to bare.
She is quietly backing out of the world.
- She will not be missed.
- Funny cat.
- Yeah, very funny cat.
- Yeah very funny cat.
[ Laughter .]
Okay, wow.
You guys do it a little different than us.
We try to make the bloopers a little sillier like with sound effects and stuff.
- Do you know what I mean? - Boy-yoy-yoing.
[ Speaking French .]
We can try boyyoy-yoing.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
That's great.
Throw some boy-yoy-yoings in there.
[ Laughter .]
I'm just going roll a bunch of clips and you guys can go crazy.
- Yes.
Of course.
Okay.
Boy-yoy-yoing.
This cat has neurological disorder.
She cannot gauge distance between herself and the couch.
- Boy-yoy-yoing.
This cat is certainly dead.
That's a death spasm.
Wacka wacka.
This cat also is dead.
- This cat is in a death costume.
- Ka-bonk, this egomaniac has walked into a TV and will not come back the same.
- Say what? - He will never trust a TV again.
Ka-bonk.
Boy-yoy-yoing.
[ Laughter .]
It's a little dark.
You know what we find fun? Gmng a cat a silly voice.
Like "oh, I'm a big fat cat and I can't fit through the cat door.
Derp.
" [ Laughter .]
Yes.
This stupid voice coming from cat would make me laugh.
- I also was very close to laughing.
But then I remember I just lost my daughter in a custody battle with my own mother.
Oh, my God.
[ Laughter .]
Let's try one more before we go back to France forever.
- Roll it.
- My husband is in here.
My husband's ashes are in this urn.
[ Laughter .]
He died from drugs but I don't care.
- He was troubled but he was mine.
- I don't want to live anymore.
I want to be in hell with him.
Where all suicides go.
Armand.
Here I come.
Ker-plang! - Boy-yoy-yoing.
- Boy-yoy-yoing.
[ Laughter .]
Okay.
Well, I'm getting word that my producer is here to tell me something.
Hopefully privately.
Well, it's not.
I want everybody to hear this.
- You're canceled.
- Well, great.
I'm glad.
I think anyone would be proud to do 18 seasons of this show.
I leave with my head held high.
Just pack your junk, raynal-beads.
Boy-yoy-yoing.
[ Laughter .]
America's looking at cats America's looking at cats [ Applause .]
Ladies and gentlemen, Chris stapleton.
[ Cheers and applause .]
Street lights along the highway throwing shadows in the dark and memories keep on turning to the rhythm of a broken heart you only need a roof when it's raining you only need a fire when it's cold You only need a drink when whiskey is the only thing you have left to hold Sun comes up and goes back down falling feels like flying till you hit the ground Say the word and I'll be there for you baby, I will be your parachute There's a song that I remember I never learned to play and a lifetime of forgotten words I never got to say You only need a roof when it's raining you only need a fire when it's cold You only need a drink when it's whiskey is the only thing you have left to hold sun comes up And goes back down falling feels like flying till you hit the ground say the word and I'll be there for you baby, I will be your parachute parachute If you think you're going down just know I will be around You only need a roof when it's raining you only need a fire when it's cold You only need a drink when whiskey is the only thing that you have left to hold Sun comes up and goes back down falling feels like flying till you hit the ground Say the word and I'll be there for you baby, I will be your baby, I will be your parachute [ Cheers and applause .]
Announcer: It's "weekend update" with Colin jost and Michael che.
[ Cheers and applause .]
- Good evening, everyone.
- Welcome to "weekend update.
" - I'm Michael che.
- I'm Colin jost.
And here are tonight's top stories.
At the gop debate, Donald trump defended his concerns about whether Ted Cruz, who was born in Canada to an American mother, is eligible to be president, saying there's a big question mark on your head.
But there's also a big question mark on trump's head if the wind hits him just right.
[ Laughter .]
U.
S.
officials today announced Iran is releasing five detained Americans in exchange for seven iranians held by the U.
S.
President Obama praised the deal while an outraged Ben Carson said he wouldn't be satisfied with any deal that didn't include the prisoner of Azkaban.
[ Laughter .]
A new poll shows that Bernie Sanders leads Hillary Clinton by 19 points among female millennial voters who like his proposals such as free college tuition.
I don't know.
Typically when young women trust some old dude who promises to pay for their college, it doesn't always end well.
[ Laughter .]
The NFL announced that the St.
Louis rams will return to Los Angeles, which I knew was coming the second I saw their mascot got some work done.
The Oscar nominations were announced Thursday and for the second year in a row people are complaining about the lack of diversity among nominees.
But as a person of color, you know, I'd be happy if the academy just nominated movies that people have actually seen.
I mean, are you telling me that anybody here has actually seen "room" or "Brooklyn" or "the golden moon"? You're lying because I made that last one up.
[ Laughter .]
If you want people to watch the academy awards, you have to give us something we can root for.
Okay? Just imagine how excited kids would be to see "star wars" win or black people to see "straight outta Compton" win.
Or how excited Colin would be to see "staten island summer" nominated.
[ Laughter .]
The oscars should showcase more of the movies that people actually watch.
Like porno.
Why can't porn be nominated? Oh, you're telling me it's okay to watch movies about people killing and dying and explosions and death and that's all perfectly fine but if I want to watch two people make love I've got to close my laptop because I'm disturbing the other passengers? Who's really the sicko? [ Laughter .]
President Obama says that he will sign an executive order mandating universal background checks for gun purchases, which many in congress oppose.
With more on this is our own Pete Davidson.
[ Cheers and applause .]
Hi, buddy.
I don't understand -- oh, thank you, lady.
[ Laughter .]
I don't understand why anyone would be against background checks.
I wish I did a background check on my roommate.
I might have found out he gets his haircuts in the lmng room.
Or he uses my toothbrush to clean his toothbrush.
[ Laughter .]
I actually saw a show that said the debate was reopened about whether mentally ill people should be able to own guns.
Which I didn't know was debatable.
Like one guy even said, "I don't think the founding fathers wanted people to lose their rights just because they had a mental illness.
" Which I guess sounds like it makes sense, until you remember we're talking about the 1700s, when the most popular treatment for schizophrenia was like, fire.
[ Laughter .]
Like just lots of fire.
They didn't have Lexapro.
You know? As if that wasn't weird enough, Texas just passed a law allowing people to carry guns into mental institutions.
That's a real thing.
[ Laughter .]
Not like a joke that we wrote.
Like that happens now.
[ Laughter .]
Here's a fun fact about me.
When I was a kid I was pretty depressed and I spent some time in a mental institution twice.
So far.
[ Laughter .]
I'll be back.
[ Laughter .]
And I learned two things.
One, the craziest guy there gets to control the TV.
His name was two-eyed Willie.
Wait, hold on a second, why did they call him two eyed Willie? They weren't his.
[ Laughter .]
And the second thing is none of those people including me should ever be allowed near a gun.
I can't believe they let me drive.
Like, every time I get behind the wheel I'm like, wow, somebody really dropped the ball, here.
[ Laughter .]
This is awesome.
If I owned a gun I'd have to buy a new TV every time the Knicks lost.
The reason Obama's going straight to an executive order is because congress refused to even pass a law banning people on the no-fly list from buying a gun.
But like, shouldn't the gun list be the stricter list? Like that means somebody out there is being told like, "sorry, sir, we don't trust you to fly to Cleveland, but if you want to buy this assault rifle and take the bus.
" [ Laughter .]
They don't have security on the bus, man.
It's just the driver, who like might turn around once in a while and be like, "hey!" [ Laughter .]
Pete Davidson, everyone.
The armed protesters in Oregon were upset after they made a plea for supplies and were sent a box containing sex toys.
They were so upset, you could hear them loudly moaning about it.
[ Laughter .]
A woman in California is claiming that she found a severed fingertip in an applebee's salad.
Despite their promise to only add a tip for parties of six or more.
[ Laughter .]
According to a report, former New York City mayor Mike bloomberg secretly commissioned a poll last month to see how he would do if he ran for president as a third-party candidate.
And I for one would love to see bloomberg run against trump.
They're both New York billionaires yet they're so different.
It's like a political version of the movie "twins.
" [ Laughter .]
Bloomberg, he looks like he'd speak softly and carry a big stick.
Trump looks like he'd yell loudly while his goons beat you with sticks.
Or maybe they should just team up.
You know how trump is always saying "I'm going to get the smartest guy.
" Bloomberg is the smartest guy.
He could be the whole brain for the operation and live inside trump like krang from ninja turtles.
[ Laughter .]
But mostly I just want to see bloomberg at a campaign rally in Mississippi and he tells everyone there he's taking their sodas away and they just rip him to pieces.
[ Laughter .]
Plus if we follow a black president from Chicago with a Jewish president from New York, the South is definitely going to secede again.
[ Laughter .]
How would we even top that? We'd have to find a Muslim president from Hollywood.
Pressure's on, Sayid from "lost.
" [ Laughter .]
A British sex toy company has constructed a private booth in New York City for men to masturbate in.
Good.
Because I'm getting tired of doing it in Colin's office.
[ Laughter .]
- Wait, what? - I'm kidding, man.
I would never get tired of masturbating in your office.
[ Laughter .]
Man, I sleep in there.
I'm quiet.
[ Laughter .]
A new study finds that nearly half of non-smoking teenagers in the U.
S.
are exposed to secondhand smoke, while the other half don't have step-dads.
[ Laughter .]
Big step-dad crew here tonight.
Arizona police arrested a man who traveled all the way from Pennsylvania to have sex with a horse.
I mean, is that why he said he was there? Because if so, he definitely came to do something way worse.
[ Laughter .]
"Hey, you, what are you doing?" Oh, me? Nothing.
I was just going to have sex with a horse.
Okay, you got me.
I'm isis.
[ Laughter .]
A new study finds that the most common names of geniuses are John and Mary, while the least common are Becky and Shaq.
[ Laughter .]
Oregon police arrested a man who tried to steal a two-foot-long python from a pet store by stuffing it down in his pants.
Yeah.
Said the man, "I'll give you a hint about which snake in my pants is bigger.
It's the one that just bit my penis.
" [ Laughter .]
A teenage girl in Virginia saved her father after he was trapped under a burning pickup truck and she lifted it off him.
And that story has already been nominated for eight country music awards.
[ Laughter .]
And now for our newscasters of tomorrow series, where we let kids read the news.
Tonight's junior anchor is a 12-year-old actress who's in the upcoming nickelodeon movie "study break tummy ache.
" Please welcome Laura Parsons.
[ Applause .]
Hello, Michael.
What a thrill it is to be here.
news talking about news live on the scene it's 2016 And that's in the news That's so adorable.
I hear you're going to report some stories for us.
I'd love to.
This week Mexican fugitive, El chapo was captured after escaping from prison.
You may remember that El chapo is a merciless drug lord who was convicted of selling millions of dollars worth of narcotics, including marijuana, heroin and cocaine.
[ Laughter .]
Laura, do you even know what - cocaine is? - Not exactly.
But I think it's a powder that makes your brain go, "I'm amazing!" [ Laughter .]
I guess that's right.
Look, Laura, don't you have any stories that are more fun or silly? The Oregon militiamen are mad because they asked for supplies, but instead people sent them dildos! [ Laughter .]
Let's just get away from the news altogether, okay? How did you spend your holiday break? - Well, I watched a lot of TV.
- That's great.
- I love the show "glee.
" It's got wonderful singing and acting and dancing.
Everyone in the cast is such a great role model for me.
Except the guy who plays puck, because he just got arrested for child pornography! [ Laughter .]
- Laura! - Police found over 1,000 pictures of naked kids.
[ Laughter .]
Okay, Laura, did anything good happen to anyone this week? Sure did.
Comedian bill cosby was released on bail.
[ Laughter .]
- No.
- He's so funny.
Laura, the case against bill cosby is very serious.
- Do you even know what he did? - I think so.
He gave some medicine to people, even though they didn't need the - medicine.
- That's right.
And then he raped them.
[ Laughter .]
Laura Parsons, everybody.
and that's in the news For "weekend update," I'm Michael che.
I'm Colin jost.
Good night.
[ Cheers and applause .]
Guys, if I had a remote, I'd be hitting mute.
Okay? That's better.
So we're continuing awareness week today with four speakers who'd like to talk to you about bullying.
Hey, team.
I'm Wendell.
This is Harper.
And we're here to talk to you about a form of mental harassment that we both got mixed up in during high school.
Who's familiar with social puppeteering? - Wow, that's surprising.
- Okay.
In simplest terms it's manipulating others for your own amusement.
Hijacking someone's reality to feel powerful.
- Here's an example of something I did.
In sixth grade I paid like 80 kids a buck to go up to this kid Nathan and say, "hey, nice hat.
" So what's the problem? Nathan wasn't wearing a hat.
If 80 kids say you're wearing a hat you start thinking maybe I am wearing a hat.
[ Laughter .]
And watching him wrestle with that made me feel good.
I took the most valuable thing he had.
His mind.
[ Laughter .]
That's the idea behind social puppeteering.
Any questions? Yeah.
How come I didn't know about - this? - I know.
- It sounds so fun.
- Okay.
Guys, this shouldn't sound fun to you.
Okay? They're here to tell you how bad - it is.
- Absolutely.
I mean, guys, if you get into this, it will take over your life.
I spent thousands of dollars honey I shrunk the kid's-ing my cousin.
- Oh, please explain that.
- I hired day laborers to build an enormous replica of his room in an airplane hangar.
So he woke up in a three-story bed the length of an olympic swimming pooling thinking he's now half an inch tall.
I mean, I went all out.
I got the people who made the Jurassic park dinosaurs to build a giant animatronic daddy longlegs he had to fight.
He peed himself and hid in a giant lego for hours.
It was pretty great.
[ Laughter .]
Also wrong.
It really will ruin your life, gang.
My brother doesn't speak to me because I vampired him.
I won't bore you with the details.
- No, please do.
- Well, in a nutshell, I hired this weird albino dude to bite him and run away.
[ Laughter .]
And a week later I start sprinkling a small amount of Molly into his dinner every night.
So at night he feels amazing.
But during the day he feels a little bummed out because the Molly was wearing off.
[ Laughter .]
So he started craving the night because that's when he got the Molly.
[ Laughter .]
The nighttime became his magical time.
He was convinced that he was a vampire.
- He bit our dad.
- Excuse me.
I'm sorry to interrupt, but I think I that I have been socially puppeteered.
See, I'm not a transfer student.
I'm a 37-year-old man.
Two months ago what I thought was an elite police squad hired me to pose as a high school student and gather intel about a new drug called squiff.
But I haven't heard from them since.
And they definitely haven't been paying me.
Oh, yeah.
I'm so sorry but you got 21 jump - streeted.
- Wow.
I can't believe it happened to me.
- It can happen to anyone.
- Don't be a puppet.
Learn more at [ Cheers and applause .]
[ Cheers and applause .]
When I was in high school and lmng in long island, I stayed up to see David bowie play on "Saturday night live.
" And watching him was for me a life-changing experience.
He had these backup singers that were like choir singers from the future and a toy poodle with like a TV monitor in his mouth.
David bowie transformed whatever space he was in, whatever medium he was using.
And that night for me he transformed live television.
I encourage you to go to nbc.
Com to watch all of his performances from that night in 1979.
And now, David bowie.
[ Cheers and applause .]
we passed upon the stairs and spoke of was and when although I wasn't there he said I was his friend which came as some surprise I spoke into his eyes I thought you died alone a long long time ago oh no not me I never lost control you're face to face with the man who sold the world I laughed and shook his hand [ Cheers and applause .]
And Carl rosetti at dreamworks, this was your vision.
- Thank you to Debbie lieberman and the whole team at caa.
And -- oh, and to this wonderful man beside me.
My writing partner and my husband.
Kevin, you are my rock.
And of course my two beautiful children, Cody and Madison.
Mommy and daddy did it.
And if you're watching this, go to bed.
[ Applause .]
You heard mom.
We have to go to bed.
But I'm not tired.
Dear lord, thank you for gmng mommy and daddy a golden globe.
And please watch over us until they get home.
- Amen.
- But we didn't get a story.
You heard mom.
We have to go to bed right now.
[ Laughter .]
Are you awake? - Yeah.
- Do you think mommy and daddy are thinking about us? - I know they are.
Ha, ha! We won a fricking golden globes! This is the best thing that ever happened to us! Aaaaah! mom looked pretty when she left.
Do you think she's ever going to - come back? - Yes.
Of course.
I don't know.
[ Laughter .]
I just stood next to liev schreiber at the urinal.
Saw his whole [ Bleep .]
.
It's huge.
I knew it.
This whole night is so amazing.
[ Owl hooing .]
- What was that? - It's probably nothing.
[ Laughter .]
Look at me.
- I'm ray Donovan.
- You're so funny.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, guys, guys, sorry.
Stars only.
[ Bleep .]
You, man.
Don't push my wife! Be a man for once, Kevin.
Hit him.
You don't want to hit me, sir.
Hold on to your hat.
You're about to get pounded! [ Laughter .]
Come back here! - Look.
I told you they'd come back.
[ Laughter .]
You kids like eggs? Yeah.
Good.
Me too.
Your parents are very cool people.
Very cool.
We had a good, cool time.
[ Laughter .]
You kids can dress yourselves - for school, right? - Mm-hmm.
That'd probably be best.
[ Eggs cracking .]
I hate the globes.
- I love you, big brother.
- I love you too.
[ Applause .]
Once again, Chris stapleton.
[ Cheers and applause .]
She took down the photograph of our wedding day ripped it down the middle and threw my hat away And I got nobody to blame but me I got nobody to blame but me she broke all my Fishing rods put my guns in hock threw my clothes out in the yard and changed out all the locks And I got nobody to blame but me I got nobody to blame but me I know right where I went wrong I know just what got her gone turned my life into this country song And I got nobody to blame but me I got nobody to blame but me She fired up my old hot rod ran it in the pond put sugar in my John deere I can't even mow my lawn and I got nobody to blame but me I got nobody to blame but me she built her a bonfire with my old six string took all my good whiskey and poured it down the drain and I got nobody to blame but me I got nobody to blame but me I know right where I went wrong I know just what got her gone turned my life into a country song and I got nobody to blame but me I got nobody to blame but me nobody to blame but me I got nobody to blame but me I got nobody to blame but me [ Cheers and applause .]
[ Laughter .]
Nurse, who is my next patient? Oh, no.
He hurt his big thigh during the game? Send him in.
Hi, doctor.
I need help with my body.
Ow.
Ow.
Ooh.
Ow.
I hurt my big thigh during the big game.
- Right when I was about to score.
- Well, maybe I can help you score.
Right now.
- Where does it hurt? - Way up at the top part of my thigh.
I don't know.
About a centimeter below my ball sack.
[ Laughter .]
Let me take a look.
- How does it feel when I do this? - Uh, I don't know.
Doctor.
I'm not gay.
- Are you sure? - Good point.
I'm convinced.
Let's do sex.
- Oh, yeah.
- F yeah.
- Oh, yeah.
- F yeah.
- Yes.
- Excuse me.
Dr.
rockhard? I had a 2:00 appointment and I still have not been seen.
- Huh? Yeah.
All these big muscular guys keep cutting me.
But my mom said I need to see a doctor right away.
I've been throwing up all day and my stomach is real sore.
Me too.
My groin is sore.
And I need to make it more sore.
What? You've got to make it more sore? All right.
I mean, you went to medical school, not me.
Yeah.
I graduated best top in my class.
[ Laughter .]
Wow.
That's awesome, Dr.
rockhard.
- And I'm always on bottom.
- Well, that's nothing to brag about.
I will be in the waiting room with my mom.
But please hurry, Dr.
rockhard.
So patient, you play soccer.
Does that mean you're good at juggling balls? - With my feet.
Wow.
That's hot.
But there's a problem, doctor.
- I don't have health insurance.
- That's okay.
I think I can figure out another way for you to pay.
- Oh, f.
- Oh, yeah.
- F yeah.
- Oh, f yeah.
Excuse me, doctor.
I kind of overheard because I wasn't all the way gone yet.
My mom also doesn't have health insurance.
So can we pay however he's - paying? - Uh.
I mean, she does have health insurance but it doesn't kick in until the 1st of the month.
She has blue cross.
And I have blue balls.
[ Laughter .]
Oh, no.
You need 50 ccs of boner, stat.
- All this medical talk goes over my head.
I'm next, right? - Yeah.
- Are you positive? Yeah.
But don't tell them or they'll - make me leave.
- Okay.
Whatever you say, Dr.
rockhard.
[ Laughter .]
Oh, no, doctor.
Now my other big thigh hurts.
You're in luck.
I've got medication that cures anything.
But I don't know if you'll be - able to swallow it.
- Why? - Is it big? - Oh, yeah.
- So big.
- How big is it, doctor? - Too big for you to swallow.
- Ooh.
- Oh, is it like a gel cap? - What? Because I know those are big but I can get them down with water.
And if not my mom can cut them in half and put them in my mashed potatoes.
Please, Dr.
rockhard.
Give it to me.
- My stomach hurts really bad.
- I can't give it to you.
- But I can give it to your mom.
- Hell, yeah.
Okay.
That works too.
Thank you, Dr.
rockhard.
You know, my mom was nervous about this doctor's office because when she went on your website it morning it crashed her whole computer.
But I think you're cool.
So thanks for squeezing me in.
I love to squeeze things in.
[ Laughter .]
I know.
You're jam-packed today.
About to be.
[ Laughter .]
- Well, it must be hard.
- It has to be hard.
[ Laughter .]
Well, I'll get out of your hair.
I don't have any hair.
[ Laughter .]
Okay thanks.
Now, let's get back to that big thigh.
But I think I need a second, third, fourth, and fifth opinion.
- Oh, yeah.
- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Yeah.
- Wait a minute.
All these doctors work here? Will someone please help me? Hello.
[ Cheers and applause .]
Thanks to Chris stapleton, Fred armisen, lorne, this amazing cast, all the writers, and to our men and women serving overseas, get home safe.
Thank you very much.
Good night.
[ Cheers and applause .]