Saturday Night Live (1975) s41e12 Episode Script
Larry David; The 1975
1 [Laughter.]
And now a message from senator Ted Cruz.
[Cheers and applause.]
Oh, hello.
I was just reading my conscience a bedtime story.
Now, some of you may have already seen me in tonight's republican debate in New Hampshire.
If you missed it, here's a quick recap.
I won.
I also won the Iowa caucus, thanks to endorsements from strong conservatives like Glenn Beck and God almighty.
I'll admit I'm an unconventional candidate, I'm not like other politicians.
I didn't get where I am today because I was born wealthy or handsome or charismatic or nice.
I am not cool or likeable or even fine.
I'm not young and hip.
I am not off the chain.
I'm not energetic and healthy.
Physically, I'm not doing well at all.
From the side I look like a far side cartoon.
In other words, I have overcome perhaps the greatest political liability of all time, being Ted Cruz.
Mine is a story of triumph over adversity, like fdr in his wheelchair.
But instead of a wheelchair, it's my personality and face.
Now how have I done this? A few things.
First, my family, I would be nothing without the love and support of my incredible family like my daughter Katherine here.
Come here, sweetie.
How about a hug for daddy? No.
Come on, now, give daddy a hug for the camera? No.
Come here, sweetie.
How about a kiss, I'll settle for a kiss.
Love you too, honey.
My pride and joy.
My second secret to success, a sense of humor.
I'm very funny.
For example, what did Donald trump do when he lost Iowa? He threw a trumper-tantrum.
[Laughter.]
You can find plenty more yuck 'em ups right here in my book.
The book the New York times went out of their way to call not a bestseller.
And the final and largest key to my success, I'm a sneaky little stinker.
From sending out bogus flyers in Iowa, to spreading rumors Ben Carson had dropped out, I'm like the greased pig of politics.
Folks, we've had presidents who were governors, generals.
Isn't it time for a president who's just a nasty little weasel? [Laughter.]
So when you go to the polls this primary season, take a good look at your choices, and ask yourself, which one of these guys would be played by Paul giamatti? I'll see you at the polls and live from New York, it's "Saturday night"! It's "Saturday night live.
" With -- Vanessa bayer.
Beck Bennett.
Aidy Bryant.
Colin jost.
Taran killam.
Kate McKinnon.
Kyle mooney.
Bobby moynihan.
Jay pharoah.
Cecily strong.
Kenan Thompson.
Sasheer zamata.
Featuring -- Michael che.
Pete Davidson.
Leslie Jones.
John rudnitsky.
Musical guest, the 1975.
And your host, Larry David.
Ladies and gentlemen, Larry David.
[Cheers and applause.]
[Cheers and applause.]
All right, all right.
Okay, okay.
Stop, stop.
You're going to be very disappointed.
That's what I do, I disappoint people.
Anyway, this hosting thing, come on, so stupid.
I'm not a host, I'm a guest.
I don't host things, no one's ever even been to my house.
And if they did go they'd find it extremely unpleasant.
I don't put out snacks or dip.
I can't remember the last time I had dip in my house.
I have a dipless house.
You know, I auditioned for this show many, many years ago, and I was terrible.
Those were the days when I was just a poor schmuck.
As opposed to now, now I'm a rich prick.
You ever notice how the word prick invariably follows the word rich.
If you're rich, you have to be a prick.
The same way the word schmuck always follows the word poor.
If you're poor, you're a schmuck.
Why else would you be poor? I went from a poor schmuck to a rich prick without hardly any transition.
I'm not that much happier as a prick than a schmuck, I could be a schmuck again.
I never thought I'd become a prick.
Neither did my friends, they said, he'll never be a prick.
And then boom, one day, I'm a prick.
Now I have all new friends, all pricks.
[Laughter.]
Now here I am, I'm hosting, and it's all very well and good, but honestly, I can't wait to leave.
In fact I would say one of the great pleasures of my life is leaving anywhere I am.
Wherever I am, I want to get the hell out of there.
Anywhere I am it's like I just had sex, I must go.
I must vacate the area.
I've also noticed now how every time I start dating, my friends always say to me, aren't you concerned she's only going out with you because you have some money and you're on TV? No.
Why else would she go out with me? Of course that's why she's going out with me, that's one of the benefits.
That's why I did this in the first place.
What do you think she has a penchant for old bald men? She's supposed to like me for myself? I don't even like me for myself.
I'm not a good person.
I commit six of the seven deadly sins on a daily basis.
The only sin I don't commit is gluttony.
The nicest thing can you say about me is I'm not a fat pig.
I've always been kind of thin.
My parents were concerned when I was younger I might have an eating disorder.
Nothing horrifies Jews more than a kid who won't eat.
Oh, my God, it's the end of the world.
They'd rather I shot heroin.
Even if I killed someone, that would be preferable to throwing up my dinner.
An eating disorder.
Could you imagine? Larry, Larry, what are you doing in the bathroom? Are you throwing up your dinner? Morty, morty, he's throwing up his dinner.
" "Leave him alone, rose, I don't give a good God dam what he's doing.
" "Who throws up a brisket?" "Your mother made a beautiful brisket, that's what you do? I have news for you, you're paying for that brisket, and the baked potato, and the applesauce, everything in the toilet bowl.
And you're washing it out.
[Cheers and applause.]
Now, here's the part where I'm supposed to say we have a great show for you tonight.
I can't say that.
I don't know if it's a great show.
Secondly, why raise expectations? What I should be saying is the show is so-so.
If it's good, you can be surprised.
Anyway, the band is the 1975.
[Cheers and applause.]
You know, 1975, which also happens to be the year I broke my masturbation record.
412 times.
Not terrible.
Not terrible.
Anyway, we'll be right back.
[Applause.]
All right cadets! If you want to be an FBI agent you got to pass firearm training! This street simulator is to designed to evaluate your ability to asses when and when not to use deadly force.
You'll use this infared light pistol to shoot at our lifelike target dummies.
Some are harmless civilians, while, others -- I'm going to kill you! [Bang.]
Need to get dropped.
Damn, they're so realistic.
Yeah, only the best for you clowns.
Any questions? Yeah, who's got the high score in this game? Hilarious, o'healey.
[Laughter.]
Did you think of that when you were sitting on the can this morning? - No, just now.
- Yeah.
Why don't you go first since you're so good at warming up the crowd? Start 'er up! [Dings.]
- See you in hell! [Bangs.]
Nice shot.
My cat ran away.
Help me.
Um, good read.
[Laughter.]
I'm Kevin Roberts, and I'm the coolest bitch in town! [Laughter.]
Where's the party? [Laughter.]
[Bang.]
[Buzzer beeps.]
Hold it! O'healey, you mind telling me why you shot an innocent civilian? I apologize.
Thug with the gun, clearly bad.
Nice old lady, obviously good.
Then you got Kevin Roberts.
I couldn't get a read on the man in a neon suit, holding a cell phone claiming to be the coolest bitch in town.
[Laughter.]
It didn't seem to fit his type.
Yeah, this simulator is designed to see how you'll react in the real world, and it's not all bank robbers and girl scouts out there, okay? There's people like Kevin Roberts.
Head scratchers, wild cards.
You don't use your weapon "just because somebody confuses you.
" Again, that was my bad.
In my defense, I'm pretty confident that type of man does not exist in society.
[Laughter.]
He looks like he came out of a 1980s computer game.
Thanks, o'Healy.
We value your feedback.
Let's get back to it! [Dings.]
I'm high on bath salts! [Laughter.]
Oh, no! I left my backpack on the school bus! There you go, good control o'Healy.
[Laughter.]
I'm Kevin Roberts! And I have a very important question.
Can a bitch get a doughnut? [Laughter.]
Now let's dance! See you on the flip side! [Laughter.]
Yo, did that guy just say, "can a bitch get a doughnut?" [Laughter.]
Who the hell designed this thing? - Hey, keep your head in the game.
- Have you seen my friend, Kevin Roberts, because I got that bitch a doughnut! [Laughter.]
Why does Kevin Roberts have friends and a story line? Focus! [Laughter.]
Do not let it throw you.
- I don't mean any trouble.
- Oh, he's reaching into his jacket! What's he doing? What's he got in there? Breaking news! Kevin Roberts just got to second base with a lady.
[Laughter.]
No, go away, Kevin Roberts.
Die, pig! [Buzzer beeps.]
And now you're dead.
Not good o'Healy.
Kevin Roberts got in my head! [Laughter.]
He said he got to second base, and I was like, who would do that with Kevin Roberts? [Laughter and applause.]
If being a field agent means dealing with human puzzles like Kevin Roberts, maybe I belong behind a desk.
I'm sorry I wasted the bureau's time.
Don't apologize to me, o'healey, you apologize to the portrait of the man who dedicated his life to designing this simulator.
[Laughter and applause.]
[Cheers and applause.]
Thank you, Iowa.
Thank you.
[Cheers.]
Sweetie, I can't believe how many people are here.
It's a revolution, Jane.
Millions of people, we have a good turnout, we can win Iowa.
- Hello, thank you much.
- Oh, my God! It's Mr.
Bernie Sanders! Oh, I'm your biggest fan! I'm telling you, I'm feeling the bern! [Laughter.]
That's okay.
What do you mean? Shake my hand.
You coughed into your hand.
You don't shake it after a cough.
No, I didn't! Shake my hand! No, no, you specifically coughed into your hand.
- I saw it.
- I didn't! Come on, Mr.
Sanders! Don't be rude! - Shake my wife's hand.
- Sir, I'm not being rude! She's the one who's being rude by offering a germ-infested hand.
I'm germ infested, now? Is that right? I'm a voter is what I am, Bernie.
I'm germ infested? Germ infested-hand.
I am running for president! - I do not shake disgusting hands.
- Really? Don't walk away from me, Bernie Sanders! Mr.
Sanders, can I get you a coffee? A coffee, a coffee, yeah, you know what? I'll have coffee with whole milk.
I'm sorry, I think we only - have 2%.
- 2%? No, no, no.
If I'm gonna have milk, I'll have milk.
- Thank you very much.
- Bernie! What's this about you not shaking your constituent's hands? You can't do that.
No, you don't understand, Jeff.
- She gave me a cough and shake.
- You sure it wasn't a cough and a wipe and a shake? [Laughter.]
No, no, it was no wipe.
Definitely no wipe.
She didn't have the decency to give me a wipe.
You are such an [Bleep.]
, Bernie! This is why nobody likes you, because you're an [Bleep.]
.
- Oh, I'm an [Bleep.]
? - Yeah, you are.
You are.
People love me, okay? I have more individual donations than any candidate in history.
And I don't take from millionaires and billionaires.
The average donation is just -- - yeah, $27.
- Yeah, we [Bleep.]
know because you say it every time you're on [Bleep.]
TV.
Everybody knows! Oh, shut up! Okay? That's enough.
Bernie [Bleep.]
Sanders! [Laughter.]
Tell you something.
I heard you ain't wanna shake a black woman's hand.
No, don't say "black woman.
" It had nothing to do with black.
She gave me a cough and a shake.
Listen, you need the black vote, Bernie.
You need to shake as many black woman's hands as you can.
I don't care if the hands got dookie on them! You shake that hand! Do you know why? Because you might get dookie on your hands! You know what else you'll get? A damn vote.
Okay.
That was fascinating, Leon, just fascinating.
- I'm going to go get some coffee.
- You can't go out there.
What? I'm a person like everyone else.
I'm a normal human being.
- You're not normal! - Normal human being! You're not normal.
You're [Bleep.]
.
Oh, shut up, Suzie! How about that? - You shut up.
- [Bleep.]
You Suzie.
[Laughter.]
Help, somebody please! - My God, what happened? - I don't know.
Are you Bernie Sanders? I was just on my way to vote for you.
What can I do? How can I help? I think I dislocated my shoulder, so can you just pop it back in? [Laughter.]
Are you nuts? No, it's easy.
Just pop it back in.
- I can't -- go to a hospital.
I don't pop.
I'm not a popper.
What's wrong? The polls close in an hour.
If you want my vote, just pop it back in.
I don't want it that bad.
[Laughter.]
I never popped in my life! I'm from Brooklyn.
No, we don't pop in Brooklyn.
I'm sorry.
- Come on? - I have no popping experience.
Bernie! I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Bernie! [Bleep.]
You Bernie! [Laughter.]
Excuse me, excuse me.
- How are you doing? - I'm so glad you can make it, Bernie! The polls are closed.
Where's your coffee? I had an incident -- what the hell are you talking about, an incident? - Just drink the coffee here! - I don't want the coffee! 2%! What's 2%? I'm not drinking -- - what are you? Some weirdo psychopath? What's wrong with 2%? All right, start the presses, headlines in.
They feel the bern.
Huge voter turnout.
Huge, huge.
Huge turnout? Marty, this is wonderful! Do you hear that? - Huge! - Huge! - Do you know what that means? - What? That means we win! Huge turnout! Hey, you [Bleep.]
four eyes, look at the TV, dumb [Bleep.]
! You didn't win! You lost! But it's like .
2%.
Come on! .
2%, what? How many people is that? It's, like, five people.
Five people.
How could we lose by five people.
All these people, Bernie! [Laughter and applause.]
Are you sure I can't get you coffee? We still only have 2%.
I'll take the 2%.
We're going down.
Evacuate the ship! - Where's the other -- - she's a wild sea tonight.
Have mercy on our souls.
Light the signal! Light them! Lower the life boats.
Lower them.
Women and children first! What's that? Women and children first! Really? Yes, really! Shouldn't it be just whoever's closest? Load the rations.
Tie them to the fast.
Board the women and children.
Save their lives! And let's not forget the men's lives! That's a kid? He's more of a man than I am.
He's got a happy trail.
Hold her steady.
Check his pants.
Check for pubes.
No, we are absolutely not doing that.
You're going to let me drown, but you won't do a simple pubes check? Help, madam Donovan on to the life boat.
Her? What are you saving her for? She's a threat to all of us.
Have you gone through menopause, ma'am? That's none of your business.
That answers me question.
Sharks are going to be following us for Miles, if you catch me drift.
You suck, sir.
Are you kidding me? That's not a kid, that's a midget, I can tell.
Not cool.
I can say it, it's olden times.
Make sure every woman and child has a life vest.
Okay.
I hate to pull this, but my father is rich.
I come from a wealthy family.
Technically, my life is worth more than all of yours put together.
Especially these women and midgets.
So if it's all the same to you, I'm going to pop down in that life boat.
Hold on, wait a second.
[Cheers and applause.]
I am so sick of the 1% getting this preferential treatment.
Enough is enough.
We need to unite and work together if we're all going to get through this.
Sounds like socialism to me.
[Laughter.]
Democratic socialism.
- What's the difference? - Huge difference.
[Laughter.]
- Huge? - Huge.
[Laughter.]
Huge with a y, eh? Who are you? I'm Bernie sanderswitzky, but we're going to change it when we get to America so it doesn't sound quite so Jewish.
[Laughter.]
Yeah, that'll trick 'em.
[Laughter.]
[Cheers and applause.]
Hold on, everyone I have great news.
What we crashed into was liberty island.
We're in New York.
Everyone off the boat.
Look at that.
Share a cab? I think we've talked enough.
[Cheers and applause.]
[Shouting.]
My husband and his friends love to watch the big game.
But all their cheering and shouting, can make them pretty hungry.
[Shouting.]
- Aww, fumble.
- That's why I love totino's pizza rolls.
The only game time snack that satisfies my hungry guys.
Go, go, go, go, go, go, touchdown! And totino's pizza rolls aren't just delicious, they're also easy to make.
Go, go, go, go, go, touchdown! Wow! There really is a lot happening fast in this big game.
So this super bowl -- ah, fumble.
- Why not treat your hungry guys -- - touchdown! To the delicious taste of totino's.
Aw, fumble.
- If they're anything like my hungry guys-- - touchdown! They'll love these cheesy bites -- aw, fumble.
More than their favorite team.
- Touchdown! - Guys? The totino's are ready.
I hope I'm not interrupting the big game.
[Laughter.]
There's nothing on the TV.
The screen is completely black.
Go, go, go, go, go, go, go touchdown! Steven, what's going on? [Laughter.]
What have you guys been shouting at this whole time? No, no, no, no, no, aw, fumble.
[Light laughter.]
Okay, ha ha, very funny, Steven.
[Laughter.]
Cut it out.
Go, go, go, go, go, touchdown.
Why are you doing this? Brittany, get in the car.
No, no, no, no, no, aw fumble.
What's happening to my hungry guys? The x-files, new episodes mondays at 8:00.
So Bernie, how are things going up in New Hampshire? - Okay.
- Just okay? Well, it's pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty good.
[Laughter.]
That's great, Bernie.
And now, ladies and gentlemen, the 1975.
[Cheers and applause.]
Well I know when you're around cause I know the sound I know the sound of your heart Well I know when you're around cause I know the sound I know the sound of your heart Well I know when you're around cause I know the sound I know the sound of your heart Well I know when you're around cause I know the sound I know the sound of your heart I can't believe I forgot your name oh baby won't you come again She said I've got a problem with your shoes and your tunes but I might move in and I thought that you Were straight now I'm wondering you're so conceited I said I love you What does it matter if I lie to you I don't regret it but I'm glad that we're through so don't you tell me that You just don't get it cause I know you do well I know when you're around cause I know the sound I know the sound Of your heart well I know when you're around cause I know the sound I know the sound of your heart It's not about reciprocation it's just all about me a sycophantic prophetic Socratic junkie wannabe there's so much skin to see a simple epicurean philosophy and you say I'm such a cliché I can't see the difference in it either way And we left things to protect my mental health but you call me when you're bored And you're playing with yourself you're so conceited I said I love you What does it matter if I lie to you I don't regret it but I'm glad that we're through so don't you tell me that you just don't get it Cause I know you do well I know when you're around cause I know the sound I know the sound of your heart Well I know when you're around cause I know the sound I know the sound of your heart Well I know when you're around cause I know the sound I know the sound of your heart Well I know when you're around cause I know the sound I know the sound of your heart Well I know when you're around cause I know the sound I know the sound of your heart well I know when you're Around cause I know the sound I know the sound of your heart well I know when you're around Cause I know the sound I know the sound of your heart [Cheers and applause.]
It's "weekend update" with Colin jost and Michael che.
[Cheers and applause.]
Good evening, everyone.
Welcome to "weekend update.
" I'm Michael che.
I'm Colin jost and here are tonight's top stories -- we have real actual breaking news here tonight.
Less than an hour ago, the Republicans held a presidential debate in New Hampshire, and things got off to a real rocky start, here's actual footage of Ben Carson's entrance where the one thing he forgot to do was enter.
New Jersey governor Chris christie.
Dr.
Ben Carson.
[Laughter.]
Oh, man, of all people, you'd never expect Ben Carson to fall asleep at the wheel.
But don't worry, he's a neurosurgeon, he'll figure things out.
Texas senator Ted Cruz.
[Cheers and applause.]
Oh, my God.
That was Ted Cruz as always being very helpful to Ben Carson.
I love that the stage hand waived at Ben Carson to get on the stage.
And Ben Carson stared at him so long even the stage hand gave up.
While Dr.
Carson was back there, he made a friend.
[Laughter.]
Those two won't even enter the debate, that's how badly they want to be outsiders.
The ending was my favorite part.
Former Florida governor jeb bush.
[Laughter.]
What a great look from jeb.
That is something you will never see again.
Jeb bush passing Donald trump.
There's also a debate this week between Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders, which was hosted by msnbc and broadcast at 500 decibels.
Donald trump finished second, turning trump into what he loves the most, a loser surrounded by hispanics.
On his first visit to a U.
S.
Mosque, president Obama called on television producers to create Muslim characters that are not related to issues of national security.
Although, Mr.
president, if you really want to reach TV producers, say it at a synagogue.
Ted Cruz's' wife revealed when he needs to relieve stress, Ted calls her and sings Broadway show tunes.
It's something most couples refer to as irreconcilable differences.
If you're wondering, Ted Cruz's favorite musical is rent.
He loves how it depicts a young artist with New York values dying without access to affordable health care.
This week, mattel introduced more realistic body types for Barbie.
But here's one that didn't make the cut, sturdy Barbie.
Come on, come on, I'm a grown woman, call me sturdy Barb.
How the hell are you, Mike? I'm good, Barb.
How are you feeling? I'm disappointed.
I mean, these new gals, they're nice and all, but they're not exactly a revolution.
Look at them.
This one's tall and doesn't eat.
This one's short and doesn't eat.
And the only thing curvy on this girl is that dancer's Booty.
Me, I'm a little more nuanced and maybe people aren't ready for that.
Well, how are people not ready? You know, I went through rounds of testing.
And the kids were saying, like, "her feet can only fit in crocs.
" [Laughter.]
"Is that a faded tattoo or a botched removal?" And biggest complaint was, "most of her breast is -- [laughter.]
But other than that, I'm just like the other gals.
Oh, really? Yeah, yeah.
I got the whole nine.
I got a dream house, I got a dream car.
And yeah, it is a ranch style home in an unpopular school district, and yeah, it is an '04 mitsubishi galant, but I own 'em both outright, fully paid off.
[Applause.]
Thank you so much.
I'm not playing astronaut or veterinarian, I'm for real clocking 60 hours a week behind the lost baggage desk at the Baltimore international airport.
[Laughter.]
And this year, I got dental and vision! Only thing I don't have is a Ken to tuck me in at night.
Well, I'm sure you'll find somebody.
Oh, no, I got someone.
I am deep into a thing with an incarcerated vice principal named Allen, who was in the wrong place at the wrong time.
[Laughter.]
I'm sure he was, so, Barb, do you think mattel will ever choose you as a new Barbie? You know, my gut says I was on the short list.
Maybe next go 'round, I'll lose some accessories.
Sleep apnea machine.
[Laughter.]
The binder full of coupons, outdoor cat with heart problems.
I may not be Malibu Barbie, but I'm trying my best Barbie.
I'm been through a lot Barbie.
I'm a Barbie that'll help you move a couch.
I'm sturdy Barbie and I'm going to get on the shelf.
Sturdy Barbie, everybody.
My breast is almost whole nipple, though.
All nipple, yeah.
In honor of the 50th anniversary of the super bowl, pizza hut is giving away pizza covered in edible gold.
So, it will kinda look like you won a giant gold medal in the Olympics of sadness.
This week marks the beginning of a lot of white news anchors telling you it's black history month.
[Laughter.]
This week marks the beginning of black history month.
[Laughter.]
Back to you Michael.
Why do people complain so much about black history month? It's not like you actually have to do anything.
There's no test at the end of it.
You don't have to buy us a gift.
There's no tree.
At the most you have to sit through a few mlk commercials.
And who is so racist that when they watch 30 seconds of "I have a dream " they're thinking " play a white speech!"? [Laughter.]
By the way, it's a leap year.
So there's an extra day of black history month and I'm going to use it to honor the 29th most important black person in history, scottie pippen.
[Laughter.]
A California company has created a new marijuana-based vaginal suppository to help women suffering from menstrual pain.
And ladies, if you're lucky, it might give your boyfriend the munchies.
[Laughter and applause.]
It's a thinker.
It's not a thinker.
Following the success of last week's "grease: Live," rumors are now circulating about a possible "dirty dancing" live, starring channing tatum.
Here to comment is our very own jon rudnitsky.
[Applause.]
Hey, Colin.
- How's it going? - Great, how are you, jon.
So now, what are your thoughts on "dirty dancing" live? I don't like it.
Channing tatum? Like he needs the work? This is theater.
On TV.
A chance for a regular guy such as myself to truly shine.
Okay, well, you're not a regular guy.
I mean, you're on "snl.
" - Literally nobody knows that, Colin.
[Laughter.]
So to the producers of "dirty dancing" live, before you make any casting decisions, you're gonna want to hold off.
Because I have a brand new take on it.
I'm sorry, are you wearing a - Patrick Swayze wig? - Maybe.
Don, hit the lights.
Now I've had the time of my life and I owe it all to you [Cheers.]
[Laughter.]
You're the one thing I can't get enough of So I'll tell you something this could be love because I've had the time of my life and I owe it all to you Hey baby [Laughter.]
With my body and soul I want you more than you'll ever know [Laughter.]
So we'll just let it go don't be afraid to lose control, no [Laughter.]
Because I've had the time of my life no, I never felt this way before Yes I swear it's the truth [laughter.]
And I owe it all to you 'Cause I've had the time of my life and I've searched through every open door Now I've had the time of my life [laughter.]
And I owe it all to you I've had the time of my life no, I never felt this way before Yes I swear it's the truth and I owe it all to you because I've had the time of my life [Cheers and applause.]
Now, jon, have you seen "dirty dancing"? I have not! [Laughter.]
Jon rudnitsky, everyone.
A British woman is demanding a lifetime supply of kit kats, after she bit into one of their candy bars and it didn't have a wafer inside.
In response, kit Kat has issued this statement -- [laughter and applause.]
Hellmann's has announced that it is releasing an eggless vegan version of its mayonnaise.
Hellman's is calling the product "Colin.
" [Laughter.]
It's his month.
Oh, man.
That's not nice, dude.
A teenager in Nepal set a new world record by fitting more than 130 pencils in his mouth.
Which is the same method they used to cast this season of the bachelor.
Police in Wisconsin have uncovered more than $90,000 of stolen parmesan cheese.
The thief was able to steal so much by never saying when.
This week was fashion week in New York City.
Here to comment on the latest trends in men's fashion, please welcome Derek zoolander and hansel.
Wow! You know, I have to say, you guys look really great.
You don't have to say that.
Tell us, what's the latest from fashion week? We're not here to talk about fashion, we're here to talk about the one thing everyone wants to hear male models talk about, politics.
Okay, well, what specifically about politics? Fashion.
Have you been following the current candidates? Well, as you know, they just had the Iowa couscous.
Which I skipped because I don't eat carbs.
Well, the big story was that Hillary Clinton won in Iowa.
You know, Hillary's from the '90s, which are very hot right now.
So hot.
They remade the x-files and full house and I don't know if you saw this on the news Tuesday, but o.
J.
Simpson killed again.
Hillary's style reminds me of one of my all time fashion icons, Kim jong-un.
[Laughter.]
Not to name drop, but I'm pretty good friends with his sister, Kim kardashi-un.
[Laughter.]
All right, well what about Bernie Sanders? Bernie is a champion of the 99%.
Apparently the 99% off at j.
C.
Penney.
Yeah, look at that suit.
Hey, chernobyl called they want their disaster back.
[Laughter.]
Yeah, and then chernobyl called back and they were like, "look at that suit.
" [Laughter.]
You know, but Bernie's getting lots of young people to vote.
But remember kids, voting can be dangerous.
One time I was voting and suddenly the booth caved in on me and I was falling and falling into this swirling vortex of light.
When suddenly I realized, hansel, haven't you been drinking ayahuasca for six straight days? And couldn't some of this maybe be in your head? And it was.
Turns out I can't even vote.
I'm a felon.
[Laughter.]
Cool story, hansel.
Next, we've got tom cruise.
[Laughter.]
Terrible photo of tom.
Yeah, he has totally let himself go.
[Laughter.]
This is a real "mission impossible" for his stylist.
[Laughter.]
Makes me want to keep my "eyes wide shut.
" [Laughter.]
Yeah, he should take his "top gun" and do some "risky business" with a "cocktail.
" [Laughter.]
Jerry Maguire.
Guys, that's not tom cruise, it's Ted Cruz with a "z.
" Zed Cruz? That isn't even a name.
Come on, Colin, take it easy.
- Yeah.
- Why don't you pop a Xanax and chill like your buddy Lester holt.
[Laughter.]
All right.
Now, I hesitate to ask you guys this, what do you think of trump? We love him.
Donny's just like us, he has the classic male model looks.
You mean like blue steel? Donny has orange mocha crapaccino.
This one's called hot mess.
After Iowa, he's got a new signature look.
Second place.
Derek zoolander and hansel, everyone.
For weekend update, I'm Colin jost.
I'm Michael che.
Good night.
Okay, guys, welcome to intro to song writing, I'm Jason.
Are you guys excited? Yes we are Yes, I love that excitement.
You guys rock.
That's a cool haircut, man.
Thanks.
So today's class is about lyrics, what do most song lyrics have in common? They rhyme? Yes, Ted.
I want to start with a funny, basic, silly exercise to show how visualizing the world of a song can help us rhyme.
We're going to start up -- cool drums.
Thanks, Russ.
Don't mention it.
I appreciate it.
We're going to sing a song as a class about a forest.
I want you all to visualize a forest.
Willow, I'm going to give you a lyric, you have to finish it, okay? Please don't.
No pressure.
This is easy.
I see an animal walking near, great big antlers it's a -- deer You see, easy stuff.
Russ, your turn, bud.
Ready? In the creek I see a frog watch as he leaps over the -- frog house No, not frog house, I love the creativity, but try to find the rhyme, ready? In the creek I see a frog watch as he leaps over that.
Tall frog building You're overcomplicating it, bud.
Where's the frog? His house.
Okay, but where is his house? Frog-hattan.
The word was log.
We're going to do a new one.
Buzz buzz look up in the trees uh oh it's a swarm of -- frogs in tiny helicopters.
What's with you and frogs? I'm visualizing the world of frog-hattan.
We're moving on now.
There's no frog-hattan.
Oh my God.
What happened to it? - Are the frogs okay? - Just no more frogs.
Cool? Ok.
Listen.
Ready? Buzz buzz up in the trees oh no it's -- the rise of the toads I said no frogs, bud.
I know, the toads invaded frog-hattan and killed the frogs.
The word was bees.
Good try, Russ.
Brand new song about a fun day at the beach.
But the toads closed all the beaches because they're at war.
You're legitimately talented.
Nate, your turn, bud.
No toads.
Going to the beach, gonna have fun spending the day under the -- see I know it's sun, but yo, I want to say shadow of the toads warships.
Who are the toads enemies since the frogs are gone? The iguanas man.
And the iguana's want to crush the toads.
Iguana.
Wanna.
Oh damn, I got something.
Give me that guitar, I'm going to write my opus.
Here are the frogs under the trees -- [applause.]
And now a super bowl greeting from cam Newton and Peyton Manning.
- Hey there Peyton.
- Hey there cam.
Are you ready for the big game tomorrow? I mean, not physically, but otherwise sure.
What a special matchup it's going to be, huh? Ebony and ivory facing off in super bowl 50 The media coverage was interesting this week too.
Yeah, I'm just trying to enjoy the whole experience, you know.
I've been smiling all week, giving people high fives.
That sounds great.
And when you did that, did they accuse you of show boating? And call you a thug? No, not really.
Maybe that's because -- ebony and ivory In the press there's a real discrepancy Well, I will say, I did get a couple tough questions from reporters too.
- Tough questions? - Yes, sir.
That's a shame.
I got letters from angry mothers in Tennessee because I dance too much.
Well, you do celebrate a lot more than me.
'Cause I had 45 touchdowns and you had like three.
[Laughter.]
- It was nine.
And how many interceptions? I don't think they keep stats on that anymore.
Look, white quarterbacks got a tough time, too.
Look at Johnny manziel.
The browns just released him.
And all he did was get drunk, miss practice and get accused of assaulting his girlfriend.
He couldn't do the one thing that would save him, win.
Ebony and ivory.
Why would anyone be afraid of me I do ads for Greek yogurt and kids TV I hang out with papa John who is like way creepy [Light laughter.]
What is up with that papa John guy.
Dude, I don't know, man.
The other day I walked in on the guy, he was kissing one of his pizzas.
I actually heard him whisper to it, let's get you out of those toppings.
- Oh! - Yeah, it was way bad, man.
Let's just say that I think he might have lost his mind [Laughter.]
Nationwide? Yeah, I got it.
Well, if you do retire we're going to miss you Peyton.
You're one of the greatest of all time.
Thank you cam.
And I know whatever happens, the game is in good hands with you.
We may not have the same style, but I certainly do like yours a lot.
Aww, come on, let's sing the song.
Ebony and ivory we're as different as two quarterbacks can be But there's one thing upon we can both agree we are never gonna see that concussion movie [Laughter.]
Hey, why don't you show us some of your famous moves there, cam? Go cam, go cam.
Slow down, hands where I can see them.
- You okay, Mr.
Manning? - He was just having fun.
Okay, because earlier we saw him give a child a large brown gun.
That was a football.
Sure.
Once again, the 1975.
[Cheers and applause.]
And hey, would you like to look outside sometimes, no I'm just with my friends online and there's things we'd like to change Next thing you'll find you're reading 'bout yourself on a plane fame, what a shame Oh, well, just keep looking looking, looking, looking And love me, yeah if that's what you wanna do, oh, yeah And love me, yeah if that's what you wanna do, oh, yeah You've been reading 'bout yourself on a plane fame for a change Caught up in fashion karcrashian panache a bag of bash for passion You've got a beautiful face but got nothing to say, oh! You look famous let's be friends and portray we possess feeling important And do the things we like, meaning we've just come to represent a decline in the standards Of what we accept yeah, yeah yeah, no And love me, yeah, oh if that's what you wanna do, oh, yeah And love me, love me, yeah if that's what you wanna do, oh, yeah Oh, so sack off your calendar give it to the people be the man that Gets 'em up on their feet say "oh, oh, oh, oh, oh" love me, yeah, oh and love me, yeah [Cheers and applause.]
All right, you sad sacks, last call.
Either hook up now or go home and take care of yourselves.
Hey, bartender, give me a Kentucky nightcap.
That's a bourbon with a Tylenol pm floating in it.
[Laughter.]
- And I'll take one more vodka cheddar please.
[Laughter.]
I might as well.
My liver is losing a joust to a knight by the name of cirrhosis.
[Laughter.]
Oh, wow, wow! Looks like there's one pickled egg still floating around in the vinegar.
Yeah, why don't you fish me out, lay me down on a plate and see if you can get past how I look and smell.
[Laughter.]
Please, I had stew for dinner that I would like to stay down.
Thank you.
Mind if I scoot a little closer, pal? The seat I'm on is wet, and it is my fault.
Come on over.
As long as you don't mind the smell of garlic.
I did push my face into a plate of lasagna earlier.
That's funny.
In high school, they called me garfield, because I hated mondays and I had a tail.
Wow! You really know how to make a man confused down there.
What's your name, sweetie? It's Sheila sovage.
You can remember that, because if you mix up the letters it almost spells vagasil.
What's your handle, brother? They call me ace chuggins.
Ace? Get out.
I'm wearing one of your bandages right now because I ran out of underwear.
You're thinking of a different ace.
I work as a before model for teeth whitening ads.
Get out.
I have teeth for now.
That's insanity.
I have to be honest with you.
When I first saw you, I thought, I'd have to put a paper bag over her head.
Now, I'm like, I'll just put her in the shadow.
And you had me at paper bag on my head.
Wow! We are connecting big time.
Quick, what's your favorite color? Stripes.
What's your favorite smell? No farts.
- Me too.
- Really? Something is happening here.
Oh, it is, it is happening.
Yeah, it's called an outbreak.
And it's time for you two zika viruses to mutate on out of here.
You heard the man.
Why don't we go back to my place and see how many lays are left in this crumpled old potato chip bag, huh? I bet you I can have just one.
Well, it looks like we just bought a ticket to the kiss concert.
My tongue's not as long as gene Simmons'.
But my penis is even shorter.
Let's do this.
No! [Laughter.]
Wow! That was just amazing.
I think you gave me black balls.
Yikes.
Looks like this old El camino has stalled on the ramp.
Hang on, maybe we better take it into the shop and look under the hood, if you know what I mean.
I think I do.
[Laughter.]
Vroom, vroom, it's working! [Groans.]
Thanks to the 1975.
[Cheers and applause.]
Ben stiller, Owen Wilson, and this man, this man.
[Cheers and applause.]
And now a message from senator Ted Cruz.
[Cheers and applause.]
Oh, hello.
I was just reading my conscience a bedtime story.
Now, some of you may have already seen me in tonight's republican debate in New Hampshire.
If you missed it, here's a quick recap.
I won.
I also won the Iowa caucus, thanks to endorsements from strong conservatives like Glenn Beck and God almighty.
I'll admit I'm an unconventional candidate, I'm not like other politicians.
I didn't get where I am today because I was born wealthy or handsome or charismatic or nice.
I am not cool or likeable or even fine.
I'm not young and hip.
I am not off the chain.
I'm not energetic and healthy.
Physically, I'm not doing well at all.
From the side I look like a far side cartoon.
In other words, I have overcome perhaps the greatest political liability of all time, being Ted Cruz.
Mine is a story of triumph over adversity, like fdr in his wheelchair.
But instead of a wheelchair, it's my personality and face.
Now how have I done this? A few things.
First, my family, I would be nothing without the love and support of my incredible family like my daughter Katherine here.
Come here, sweetie.
How about a hug for daddy? No.
Come on, now, give daddy a hug for the camera? No.
Come here, sweetie.
How about a kiss, I'll settle for a kiss.
Love you too, honey.
My pride and joy.
My second secret to success, a sense of humor.
I'm very funny.
For example, what did Donald trump do when he lost Iowa? He threw a trumper-tantrum.
[Laughter.]
You can find plenty more yuck 'em ups right here in my book.
The book the New York times went out of their way to call not a bestseller.
And the final and largest key to my success, I'm a sneaky little stinker.
From sending out bogus flyers in Iowa, to spreading rumors Ben Carson had dropped out, I'm like the greased pig of politics.
Folks, we've had presidents who were governors, generals.
Isn't it time for a president who's just a nasty little weasel? [Laughter.]
So when you go to the polls this primary season, take a good look at your choices, and ask yourself, which one of these guys would be played by Paul giamatti? I'll see you at the polls and live from New York, it's "Saturday night"! It's "Saturday night live.
" With -- Vanessa bayer.
Beck Bennett.
Aidy Bryant.
Colin jost.
Taran killam.
Kate McKinnon.
Kyle mooney.
Bobby moynihan.
Jay pharoah.
Cecily strong.
Kenan Thompson.
Sasheer zamata.
Featuring -- Michael che.
Pete Davidson.
Leslie Jones.
John rudnitsky.
Musical guest, the 1975.
And your host, Larry David.
Ladies and gentlemen, Larry David.
[Cheers and applause.]
[Cheers and applause.]
All right, all right.
Okay, okay.
Stop, stop.
You're going to be very disappointed.
That's what I do, I disappoint people.
Anyway, this hosting thing, come on, so stupid.
I'm not a host, I'm a guest.
I don't host things, no one's ever even been to my house.
And if they did go they'd find it extremely unpleasant.
I don't put out snacks or dip.
I can't remember the last time I had dip in my house.
I have a dipless house.
You know, I auditioned for this show many, many years ago, and I was terrible.
Those were the days when I was just a poor schmuck.
As opposed to now, now I'm a rich prick.
You ever notice how the word prick invariably follows the word rich.
If you're rich, you have to be a prick.
The same way the word schmuck always follows the word poor.
If you're poor, you're a schmuck.
Why else would you be poor? I went from a poor schmuck to a rich prick without hardly any transition.
I'm not that much happier as a prick than a schmuck, I could be a schmuck again.
I never thought I'd become a prick.
Neither did my friends, they said, he'll never be a prick.
And then boom, one day, I'm a prick.
Now I have all new friends, all pricks.
[Laughter.]
Now here I am, I'm hosting, and it's all very well and good, but honestly, I can't wait to leave.
In fact I would say one of the great pleasures of my life is leaving anywhere I am.
Wherever I am, I want to get the hell out of there.
Anywhere I am it's like I just had sex, I must go.
I must vacate the area.
I've also noticed now how every time I start dating, my friends always say to me, aren't you concerned she's only going out with you because you have some money and you're on TV? No.
Why else would she go out with me? Of course that's why she's going out with me, that's one of the benefits.
That's why I did this in the first place.
What do you think she has a penchant for old bald men? She's supposed to like me for myself? I don't even like me for myself.
I'm not a good person.
I commit six of the seven deadly sins on a daily basis.
The only sin I don't commit is gluttony.
The nicest thing can you say about me is I'm not a fat pig.
I've always been kind of thin.
My parents were concerned when I was younger I might have an eating disorder.
Nothing horrifies Jews more than a kid who won't eat.
Oh, my God, it's the end of the world.
They'd rather I shot heroin.
Even if I killed someone, that would be preferable to throwing up my dinner.
An eating disorder.
Could you imagine? Larry, Larry, what are you doing in the bathroom? Are you throwing up your dinner? Morty, morty, he's throwing up his dinner.
" "Leave him alone, rose, I don't give a good God dam what he's doing.
" "Who throws up a brisket?" "Your mother made a beautiful brisket, that's what you do? I have news for you, you're paying for that brisket, and the baked potato, and the applesauce, everything in the toilet bowl.
And you're washing it out.
[Cheers and applause.]
Now, here's the part where I'm supposed to say we have a great show for you tonight.
I can't say that.
I don't know if it's a great show.
Secondly, why raise expectations? What I should be saying is the show is so-so.
If it's good, you can be surprised.
Anyway, the band is the 1975.
[Cheers and applause.]
You know, 1975, which also happens to be the year I broke my masturbation record.
412 times.
Not terrible.
Not terrible.
Anyway, we'll be right back.
[Applause.]
All right cadets! If you want to be an FBI agent you got to pass firearm training! This street simulator is to designed to evaluate your ability to asses when and when not to use deadly force.
You'll use this infared light pistol to shoot at our lifelike target dummies.
Some are harmless civilians, while, others -- I'm going to kill you! [Bang.]
Need to get dropped.
Damn, they're so realistic.
Yeah, only the best for you clowns.
Any questions? Yeah, who's got the high score in this game? Hilarious, o'healey.
[Laughter.]
Did you think of that when you were sitting on the can this morning? - No, just now.
- Yeah.
Why don't you go first since you're so good at warming up the crowd? Start 'er up! [Dings.]
- See you in hell! [Bangs.]
Nice shot.
My cat ran away.
Help me.
Um, good read.
[Laughter.]
I'm Kevin Roberts, and I'm the coolest bitch in town! [Laughter.]
Where's the party? [Laughter.]
[Bang.]
[Buzzer beeps.]
Hold it! O'healey, you mind telling me why you shot an innocent civilian? I apologize.
Thug with the gun, clearly bad.
Nice old lady, obviously good.
Then you got Kevin Roberts.
I couldn't get a read on the man in a neon suit, holding a cell phone claiming to be the coolest bitch in town.
[Laughter.]
It didn't seem to fit his type.
Yeah, this simulator is designed to see how you'll react in the real world, and it's not all bank robbers and girl scouts out there, okay? There's people like Kevin Roberts.
Head scratchers, wild cards.
You don't use your weapon "just because somebody confuses you.
" Again, that was my bad.
In my defense, I'm pretty confident that type of man does not exist in society.
[Laughter.]
He looks like he came out of a 1980s computer game.
Thanks, o'Healy.
We value your feedback.
Let's get back to it! [Dings.]
I'm high on bath salts! [Laughter.]
Oh, no! I left my backpack on the school bus! There you go, good control o'Healy.
[Laughter.]
I'm Kevin Roberts! And I have a very important question.
Can a bitch get a doughnut? [Laughter.]
Now let's dance! See you on the flip side! [Laughter.]
Yo, did that guy just say, "can a bitch get a doughnut?" [Laughter.]
Who the hell designed this thing? - Hey, keep your head in the game.
- Have you seen my friend, Kevin Roberts, because I got that bitch a doughnut! [Laughter.]
Why does Kevin Roberts have friends and a story line? Focus! [Laughter.]
Do not let it throw you.
- I don't mean any trouble.
- Oh, he's reaching into his jacket! What's he doing? What's he got in there? Breaking news! Kevin Roberts just got to second base with a lady.
[Laughter.]
No, go away, Kevin Roberts.
Die, pig! [Buzzer beeps.]
And now you're dead.
Not good o'Healy.
Kevin Roberts got in my head! [Laughter.]
He said he got to second base, and I was like, who would do that with Kevin Roberts? [Laughter and applause.]
If being a field agent means dealing with human puzzles like Kevin Roberts, maybe I belong behind a desk.
I'm sorry I wasted the bureau's time.
Don't apologize to me, o'healey, you apologize to the portrait of the man who dedicated his life to designing this simulator.
[Laughter and applause.]
[Cheers and applause.]
Thank you, Iowa.
Thank you.
[Cheers.]
Sweetie, I can't believe how many people are here.
It's a revolution, Jane.
Millions of people, we have a good turnout, we can win Iowa.
- Hello, thank you much.
- Oh, my God! It's Mr.
Bernie Sanders! Oh, I'm your biggest fan! I'm telling you, I'm feeling the bern! [Laughter.]
That's okay.
What do you mean? Shake my hand.
You coughed into your hand.
You don't shake it after a cough.
No, I didn't! Shake my hand! No, no, you specifically coughed into your hand.
- I saw it.
- I didn't! Come on, Mr.
Sanders! Don't be rude! - Shake my wife's hand.
- Sir, I'm not being rude! She's the one who's being rude by offering a germ-infested hand.
I'm germ infested, now? Is that right? I'm a voter is what I am, Bernie.
I'm germ infested? Germ infested-hand.
I am running for president! - I do not shake disgusting hands.
- Really? Don't walk away from me, Bernie Sanders! Mr.
Sanders, can I get you a coffee? A coffee, a coffee, yeah, you know what? I'll have coffee with whole milk.
I'm sorry, I think we only - have 2%.
- 2%? No, no, no.
If I'm gonna have milk, I'll have milk.
- Thank you very much.
- Bernie! What's this about you not shaking your constituent's hands? You can't do that.
No, you don't understand, Jeff.
- She gave me a cough and shake.
- You sure it wasn't a cough and a wipe and a shake? [Laughter.]
No, no, it was no wipe.
Definitely no wipe.
She didn't have the decency to give me a wipe.
You are such an [Bleep.]
, Bernie! This is why nobody likes you, because you're an [Bleep.]
.
- Oh, I'm an [Bleep.]
? - Yeah, you are.
You are.
People love me, okay? I have more individual donations than any candidate in history.
And I don't take from millionaires and billionaires.
The average donation is just -- - yeah, $27.
- Yeah, we [Bleep.]
know because you say it every time you're on [Bleep.]
TV.
Everybody knows! Oh, shut up! Okay? That's enough.
Bernie [Bleep.]
Sanders! [Laughter.]
Tell you something.
I heard you ain't wanna shake a black woman's hand.
No, don't say "black woman.
" It had nothing to do with black.
She gave me a cough and a shake.
Listen, you need the black vote, Bernie.
You need to shake as many black woman's hands as you can.
I don't care if the hands got dookie on them! You shake that hand! Do you know why? Because you might get dookie on your hands! You know what else you'll get? A damn vote.
Okay.
That was fascinating, Leon, just fascinating.
- I'm going to go get some coffee.
- You can't go out there.
What? I'm a person like everyone else.
I'm a normal human being.
- You're not normal! - Normal human being! You're not normal.
You're [Bleep.]
.
Oh, shut up, Suzie! How about that? - You shut up.
- [Bleep.]
You Suzie.
[Laughter.]
Help, somebody please! - My God, what happened? - I don't know.
Are you Bernie Sanders? I was just on my way to vote for you.
What can I do? How can I help? I think I dislocated my shoulder, so can you just pop it back in? [Laughter.]
Are you nuts? No, it's easy.
Just pop it back in.
- I can't -- go to a hospital.
I don't pop.
I'm not a popper.
What's wrong? The polls close in an hour.
If you want my vote, just pop it back in.
I don't want it that bad.
[Laughter.]
I never popped in my life! I'm from Brooklyn.
No, we don't pop in Brooklyn.
I'm sorry.
- Come on? - I have no popping experience.
Bernie! I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Bernie! [Bleep.]
You Bernie! [Laughter.]
Excuse me, excuse me.
- How are you doing? - I'm so glad you can make it, Bernie! The polls are closed.
Where's your coffee? I had an incident -- what the hell are you talking about, an incident? - Just drink the coffee here! - I don't want the coffee! 2%! What's 2%? I'm not drinking -- - what are you? Some weirdo psychopath? What's wrong with 2%? All right, start the presses, headlines in.
They feel the bern.
Huge voter turnout.
Huge, huge.
Huge turnout? Marty, this is wonderful! Do you hear that? - Huge! - Huge! - Do you know what that means? - What? That means we win! Huge turnout! Hey, you [Bleep.]
four eyes, look at the TV, dumb [Bleep.]
! You didn't win! You lost! But it's like .
2%.
Come on! .
2%, what? How many people is that? It's, like, five people.
Five people.
How could we lose by five people.
All these people, Bernie! [Laughter and applause.]
Are you sure I can't get you coffee? We still only have 2%.
I'll take the 2%.
We're going down.
Evacuate the ship! - Where's the other -- - she's a wild sea tonight.
Have mercy on our souls.
Light the signal! Light them! Lower the life boats.
Lower them.
Women and children first! What's that? Women and children first! Really? Yes, really! Shouldn't it be just whoever's closest? Load the rations.
Tie them to the fast.
Board the women and children.
Save their lives! And let's not forget the men's lives! That's a kid? He's more of a man than I am.
He's got a happy trail.
Hold her steady.
Check his pants.
Check for pubes.
No, we are absolutely not doing that.
You're going to let me drown, but you won't do a simple pubes check? Help, madam Donovan on to the life boat.
Her? What are you saving her for? She's a threat to all of us.
Have you gone through menopause, ma'am? That's none of your business.
That answers me question.
Sharks are going to be following us for Miles, if you catch me drift.
You suck, sir.
Are you kidding me? That's not a kid, that's a midget, I can tell.
Not cool.
I can say it, it's olden times.
Make sure every woman and child has a life vest.
Okay.
I hate to pull this, but my father is rich.
I come from a wealthy family.
Technically, my life is worth more than all of yours put together.
Especially these women and midgets.
So if it's all the same to you, I'm going to pop down in that life boat.
Hold on, wait a second.
[Cheers and applause.]
I am so sick of the 1% getting this preferential treatment.
Enough is enough.
We need to unite and work together if we're all going to get through this.
Sounds like socialism to me.
[Laughter.]
Democratic socialism.
- What's the difference? - Huge difference.
[Laughter.]
- Huge? - Huge.
[Laughter.]
Huge with a y, eh? Who are you? I'm Bernie sanderswitzky, but we're going to change it when we get to America so it doesn't sound quite so Jewish.
[Laughter.]
Yeah, that'll trick 'em.
[Laughter.]
[Cheers and applause.]
Hold on, everyone I have great news.
What we crashed into was liberty island.
We're in New York.
Everyone off the boat.
Look at that.
Share a cab? I think we've talked enough.
[Cheers and applause.]
[Shouting.]
My husband and his friends love to watch the big game.
But all their cheering and shouting, can make them pretty hungry.
[Shouting.]
- Aww, fumble.
- That's why I love totino's pizza rolls.
The only game time snack that satisfies my hungry guys.
Go, go, go, go, go, go, touchdown! And totino's pizza rolls aren't just delicious, they're also easy to make.
Go, go, go, go, go, touchdown! Wow! There really is a lot happening fast in this big game.
So this super bowl -- ah, fumble.
- Why not treat your hungry guys -- - touchdown! To the delicious taste of totino's.
Aw, fumble.
- If they're anything like my hungry guys-- - touchdown! They'll love these cheesy bites -- aw, fumble.
More than their favorite team.
- Touchdown! - Guys? The totino's are ready.
I hope I'm not interrupting the big game.
[Laughter.]
There's nothing on the TV.
The screen is completely black.
Go, go, go, go, go, go, go touchdown! Steven, what's going on? [Laughter.]
What have you guys been shouting at this whole time? No, no, no, no, no, aw, fumble.
[Light laughter.]
Okay, ha ha, very funny, Steven.
[Laughter.]
Cut it out.
Go, go, go, go, go, touchdown.
Why are you doing this? Brittany, get in the car.
No, no, no, no, no, aw fumble.
What's happening to my hungry guys? The x-files, new episodes mondays at 8:00.
So Bernie, how are things going up in New Hampshire? - Okay.
- Just okay? Well, it's pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty good.
[Laughter.]
That's great, Bernie.
And now, ladies and gentlemen, the 1975.
[Cheers and applause.]
Well I know when you're around cause I know the sound I know the sound of your heart Well I know when you're around cause I know the sound I know the sound of your heart Well I know when you're around cause I know the sound I know the sound of your heart Well I know when you're around cause I know the sound I know the sound of your heart I can't believe I forgot your name oh baby won't you come again She said I've got a problem with your shoes and your tunes but I might move in and I thought that you Were straight now I'm wondering you're so conceited I said I love you What does it matter if I lie to you I don't regret it but I'm glad that we're through so don't you tell me that You just don't get it cause I know you do well I know when you're around cause I know the sound I know the sound Of your heart well I know when you're around cause I know the sound I know the sound of your heart It's not about reciprocation it's just all about me a sycophantic prophetic Socratic junkie wannabe there's so much skin to see a simple epicurean philosophy and you say I'm such a cliché I can't see the difference in it either way And we left things to protect my mental health but you call me when you're bored And you're playing with yourself you're so conceited I said I love you What does it matter if I lie to you I don't regret it but I'm glad that we're through so don't you tell me that you just don't get it Cause I know you do well I know when you're around cause I know the sound I know the sound of your heart Well I know when you're around cause I know the sound I know the sound of your heart Well I know when you're around cause I know the sound I know the sound of your heart Well I know when you're around cause I know the sound I know the sound of your heart Well I know when you're around cause I know the sound I know the sound of your heart well I know when you're Around cause I know the sound I know the sound of your heart well I know when you're around Cause I know the sound I know the sound of your heart [Cheers and applause.]
It's "weekend update" with Colin jost and Michael che.
[Cheers and applause.]
Good evening, everyone.
Welcome to "weekend update.
" I'm Michael che.
I'm Colin jost and here are tonight's top stories -- we have real actual breaking news here tonight.
Less than an hour ago, the Republicans held a presidential debate in New Hampshire, and things got off to a real rocky start, here's actual footage of Ben Carson's entrance where the one thing he forgot to do was enter.
New Jersey governor Chris christie.
Dr.
Ben Carson.
[Laughter.]
Oh, man, of all people, you'd never expect Ben Carson to fall asleep at the wheel.
But don't worry, he's a neurosurgeon, he'll figure things out.
Texas senator Ted Cruz.
[Cheers and applause.]
Oh, my God.
That was Ted Cruz as always being very helpful to Ben Carson.
I love that the stage hand waived at Ben Carson to get on the stage.
And Ben Carson stared at him so long even the stage hand gave up.
While Dr.
Carson was back there, he made a friend.
[Laughter.]
Those two won't even enter the debate, that's how badly they want to be outsiders.
The ending was my favorite part.
Former Florida governor jeb bush.
[Laughter.]
What a great look from jeb.
That is something you will never see again.
Jeb bush passing Donald trump.
There's also a debate this week between Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders, which was hosted by msnbc and broadcast at 500 decibels.
Donald trump finished second, turning trump into what he loves the most, a loser surrounded by hispanics.
On his first visit to a U.
S.
Mosque, president Obama called on television producers to create Muslim characters that are not related to issues of national security.
Although, Mr.
president, if you really want to reach TV producers, say it at a synagogue.
Ted Cruz's' wife revealed when he needs to relieve stress, Ted calls her and sings Broadway show tunes.
It's something most couples refer to as irreconcilable differences.
If you're wondering, Ted Cruz's favorite musical is rent.
He loves how it depicts a young artist with New York values dying without access to affordable health care.
This week, mattel introduced more realistic body types for Barbie.
But here's one that didn't make the cut, sturdy Barbie.
Come on, come on, I'm a grown woman, call me sturdy Barb.
How the hell are you, Mike? I'm good, Barb.
How are you feeling? I'm disappointed.
I mean, these new gals, they're nice and all, but they're not exactly a revolution.
Look at them.
This one's tall and doesn't eat.
This one's short and doesn't eat.
And the only thing curvy on this girl is that dancer's Booty.
Me, I'm a little more nuanced and maybe people aren't ready for that.
Well, how are people not ready? You know, I went through rounds of testing.
And the kids were saying, like, "her feet can only fit in crocs.
" [Laughter.]
"Is that a faded tattoo or a botched removal?" And biggest complaint was, "most of her breast is -- [laughter.]
But other than that, I'm just like the other gals.
Oh, really? Yeah, yeah.
I got the whole nine.
I got a dream house, I got a dream car.
And yeah, it is a ranch style home in an unpopular school district, and yeah, it is an '04 mitsubishi galant, but I own 'em both outright, fully paid off.
[Applause.]
Thank you so much.
I'm not playing astronaut or veterinarian, I'm for real clocking 60 hours a week behind the lost baggage desk at the Baltimore international airport.
[Laughter.]
And this year, I got dental and vision! Only thing I don't have is a Ken to tuck me in at night.
Well, I'm sure you'll find somebody.
Oh, no, I got someone.
I am deep into a thing with an incarcerated vice principal named Allen, who was in the wrong place at the wrong time.
[Laughter.]
I'm sure he was, so, Barb, do you think mattel will ever choose you as a new Barbie? You know, my gut says I was on the short list.
Maybe next go 'round, I'll lose some accessories.
Sleep apnea machine.
[Laughter.]
The binder full of coupons, outdoor cat with heart problems.
I may not be Malibu Barbie, but I'm trying my best Barbie.
I'm been through a lot Barbie.
I'm a Barbie that'll help you move a couch.
I'm sturdy Barbie and I'm going to get on the shelf.
Sturdy Barbie, everybody.
My breast is almost whole nipple, though.
All nipple, yeah.
In honor of the 50th anniversary of the super bowl, pizza hut is giving away pizza covered in edible gold.
So, it will kinda look like you won a giant gold medal in the Olympics of sadness.
This week marks the beginning of a lot of white news anchors telling you it's black history month.
[Laughter.]
This week marks the beginning of black history month.
[Laughter.]
Back to you Michael.
Why do people complain so much about black history month? It's not like you actually have to do anything.
There's no test at the end of it.
You don't have to buy us a gift.
There's no tree.
At the most you have to sit through a few mlk commercials.
And who is so racist that when they watch 30 seconds of "I have a dream " they're thinking " play a white speech!"? [Laughter.]
By the way, it's a leap year.
So there's an extra day of black history month and I'm going to use it to honor the 29th most important black person in history, scottie pippen.
[Laughter.]
A California company has created a new marijuana-based vaginal suppository to help women suffering from menstrual pain.
And ladies, if you're lucky, it might give your boyfriend the munchies.
[Laughter and applause.]
It's a thinker.
It's not a thinker.
Following the success of last week's "grease: Live," rumors are now circulating about a possible "dirty dancing" live, starring channing tatum.
Here to comment is our very own jon rudnitsky.
[Applause.]
Hey, Colin.
- How's it going? - Great, how are you, jon.
So now, what are your thoughts on "dirty dancing" live? I don't like it.
Channing tatum? Like he needs the work? This is theater.
On TV.
A chance for a regular guy such as myself to truly shine.
Okay, well, you're not a regular guy.
I mean, you're on "snl.
" - Literally nobody knows that, Colin.
[Laughter.]
So to the producers of "dirty dancing" live, before you make any casting decisions, you're gonna want to hold off.
Because I have a brand new take on it.
I'm sorry, are you wearing a - Patrick Swayze wig? - Maybe.
Don, hit the lights.
Now I've had the time of my life and I owe it all to you [Cheers.]
[Laughter.]
You're the one thing I can't get enough of So I'll tell you something this could be love because I've had the time of my life and I owe it all to you Hey baby [Laughter.]
With my body and soul I want you more than you'll ever know [Laughter.]
So we'll just let it go don't be afraid to lose control, no [Laughter.]
Because I've had the time of my life no, I never felt this way before Yes I swear it's the truth [laughter.]
And I owe it all to you 'Cause I've had the time of my life and I've searched through every open door Now I've had the time of my life [laughter.]
And I owe it all to you I've had the time of my life no, I never felt this way before Yes I swear it's the truth and I owe it all to you because I've had the time of my life [Cheers and applause.]
Now, jon, have you seen "dirty dancing"? I have not! [Laughter.]
Jon rudnitsky, everyone.
A British woman is demanding a lifetime supply of kit kats, after she bit into one of their candy bars and it didn't have a wafer inside.
In response, kit Kat has issued this statement -- [laughter and applause.]
Hellmann's has announced that it is releasing an eggless vegan version of its mayonnaise.
Hellman's is calling the product "Colin.
" [Laughter.]
It's his month.
Oh, man.
That's not nice, dude.
A teenager in Nepal set a new world record by fitting more than 130 pencils in his mouth.
Which is the same method they used to cast this season of the bachelor.
Police in Wisconsin have uncovered more than $90,000 of stolen parmesan cheese.
The thief was able to steal so much by never saying when.
This week was fashion week in New York City.
Here to comment on the latest trends in men's fashion, please welcome Derek zoolander and hansel.
Wow! You know, I have to say, you guys look really great.
You don't have to say that.
Tell us, what's the latest from fashion week? We're not here to talk about fashion, we're here to talk about the one thing everyone wants to hear male models talk about, politics.
Okay, well, what specifically about politics? Fashion.
Have you been following the current candidates? Well, as you know, they just had the Iowa couscous.
Which I skipped because I don't eat carbs.
Well, the big story was that Hillary Clinton won in Iowa.
You know, Hillary's from the '90s, which are very hot right now.
So hot.
They remade the x-files and full house and I don't know if you saw this on the news Tuesday, but o.
J.
Simpson killed again.
Hillary's style reminds me of one of my all time fashion icons, Kim jong-un.
[Laughter.]
Not to name drop, but I'm pretty good friends with his sister, Kim kardashi-un.
[Laughter.]
All right, well what about Bernie Sanders? Bernie is a champion of the 99%.
Apparently the 99% off at j.
C.
Penney.
Yeah, look at that suit.
Hey, chernobyl called they want their disaster back.
[Laughter.]
Yeah, and then chernobyl called back and they were like, "look at that suit.
" [Laughter.]
You know, but Bernie's getting lots of young people to vote.
But remember kids, voting can be dangerous.
One time I was voting and suddenly the booth caved in on me and I was falling and falling into this swirling vortex of light.
When suddenly I realized, hansel, haven't you been drinking ayahuasca for six straight days? And couldn't some of this maybe be in your head? And it was.
Turns out I can't even vote.
I'm a felon.
[Laughter.]
Cool story, hansel.
Next, we've got tom cruise.
[Laughter.]
Terrible photo of tom.
Yeah, he has totally let himself go.
[Laughter.]
This is a real "mission impossible" for his stylist.
[Laughter.]
Makes me want to keep my "eyes wide shut.
" [Laughter.]
Yeah, he should take his "top gun" and do some "risky business" with a "cocktail.
" [Laughter.]
Jerry Maguire.
Guys, that's not tom cruise, it's Ted Cruz with a "z.
" Zed Cruz? That isn't even a name.
Come on, Colin, take it easy.
- Yeah.
- Why don't you pop a Xanax and chill like your buddy Lester holt.
[Laughter.]
All right.
Now, I hesitate to ask you guys this, what do you think of trump? We love him.
Donny's just like us, he has the classic male model looks.
You mean like blue steel? Donny has orange mocha crapaccino.
This one's called hot mess.
After Iowa, he's got a new signature look.
Second place.
Derek zoolander and hansel, everyone.
For weekend update, I'm Colin jost.
I'm Michael che.
Good night.
Okay, guys, welcome to intro to song writing, I'm Jason.
Are you guys excited? Yes we are Yes, I love that excitement.
You guys rock.
That's a cool haircut, man.
Thanks.
So today's class is about lyrics, what do most song lyrics have in common? They rhyme? Yes, Ted.
I want to start with a funny, basic, silly exercise to show how visualizing the world of a song can help us rhyme.
We're going to start up -- cool drums.
Thanks, Russ.
Don't mention it.
I appreciate it.
We're going to sing a song as a class about a forest.
I want you all to visualize a forest.
Willow, I'm going to give you a lyric, you have to finish it, okay? Please don't.
No pressure.
This is easy.
I see an animal walking near, great big antlers it's a -- deer You see, easy stuff.
Russ, your turn, bud.
Ready? In the creek I see a frog watch as he leaps over the -- frog house No, not frog house, I love the creativity, but try to find the rhyme, ready? In the creek I see a frog watch as he leaps over that.
Tall frog building You're overcomplicating it, bud.
Where's the frog? His house.
Okay, but where is his house? Frog-hattan.
The word was log.
We're going to do a new one.
Buzz buzz look up in the trees uh oh it's a swarm of -- frogs in tiny helicopters.
What's with you and frogs? I'm visualizing the world of frog-hattan.
We're moving on now.
There's no frog-hattan.
Oh my God.
What happened to it? - Are the frogs okay? - Just no more frogs.
Cool? Ok.
Listen.
Ready? Buzz buzz up in the trees oh no it's -- the rise of the toads I said no frogs, bud.
I know, the toads invaded frog-hattan and killed the frogs.
The word was bees.
Good try, Russ.
Brand new song about a fun day at the beach.
But the toads closed all the beaches because they're at war.
You're legitimately talented.
Nate, your turn, bud.
No toads.
Going to the beach, gonna have fun spending the day under the -- see I know it's sun, but yo, I want to say shadow of the toads warships.
Who are the toads enemies since the frogs are gone? The iguanas man.
And the iguana's want to crush the toads.
Iguana.
Wanna.
Oh damn, I got something.
Give me that guitar, I'm going to write my opus.
Here are the frogs under the trees -- [applause.]
And now a super bowl greeting from cam Newton and Peyton Manning.
- Hey there Peyton.
- Hey there cam.
Are you ready for the big game tomorrow? I mean, not physically, but otherwise sure.
What a special matchup it's going to be, huh? Ebony and ivory facing off in super bowl 50 The media coverage was interesting this week too.
Yeah, I'm just trying to enjoy the whole experience, you know.
I've been smiling all week, giving people high fives.
That sounds great.
And when you did that, did they accuse you of show boating? And call you a thug? No, not really.
Maybe that's because -- ebony and ivory In the press there's a real discrepancy Well, I will say, I did get a couple tough questions from reporters too.
- Tough questions? - Yes, sir.
That's a shame.
I got letters from angry mothers in Tennessee because I dance too much.
Well, you do celebrate a lot more than me.
'Cause I had 45 touchdowns and you had like three.
[Laughter.]
- It was nine.
And how many interceptions? I don't think they keep stats on that anymore.
Look, white quarterbacks got a tough time, too.
Look at Johnny manziel.
The browns just released him.
And all he did was get drunk, miss practice and get accused of assaulting his girlfriend.
He couldn't do the one thing that would save him, win.
Ebony and ivory.
Why would anyone be afraid of me I do ads for Greek yogurt and kids TV I hang out with papa John who is like way creepy [Light laughter.]
What is up with that papa John guy.
Dude, I don't know, man.
The other day I walked in on the guy, he was kissing one of his pizzas.
I actually heard him whisper to it, let's get you out of those toppings.
- Oh! - Yeah, it was way bad, man.
Let's just say that I think he might have lost his mind [Laughter.]
Nationwide? Yeah, I got it.
Well, if you do retire we're going to miss you Peyton.
You're one of the greatest of all time.
Thank you cam.
And I know whatever happens, the game is in good hands with you.
We may not have the same style, but I certainly do like yours a lot.
Aww, come on, let's sing the song.
Ebony and ivory we're as different as two quarterbacks can be But there's one thing upon we can both agree we are never gonna see that concussion movie [Laughter.]
Hey, why don't you show us some of your famous moves there, cam? Go cam, go cam.
Slow down, hands where I can see them.
- You okay, Mr.
Manning? - He was just having fun.
Okay, because earlier we saw him give a child a large brown gun.
That was a football.
Sure.
Once again, the 1975.
[Cheers and applause.]
And hey, would you like to look outside sometimes, no I'm just with my friends online and there's things we'd like to change Next thing you'll find you're reading 'bout yourself on a plane fame, what a shame Oh, well, just keep looking looking, looking, looking And love me, yeah if that's what you wanna do, oh, yeah And love me, yeah if that's what you wanna do, oh, yeah You've been reading 'bout yourself on a plane fame for a change Caught up in fashion karcrashian panache a bag of bash for passion You've got a beautiful face but got nothing to say, oh! You look famous let's be friends and portray we possess feeling important And do the things we like, meaning we've just come to represent a decline in the standards Of what we accept yeah, yeah yeah, no And love me, yeah, oh if that's what you wanna do, oh, yeah And love me, love me, yeah if that's what you wanna do, oh, yeah Oh, so sack off your calendar give it to the people be the man that Gets 'em up on their feet say "oh, oh, oh, oh, oh" love me, yeah, oh and love me, yeah [Cheers and applause.]
All right, you sad sacks, last call.
Either hook up now or go home and take care of yourselves.
Hey, bartender, give me a Kentucky nightcap.
That's a bourbon with a Tylenol pm floating in it.
[Laughter.]
- And I'll take one more vodka cheddar please.
[Laughter.]
I might as well.
My liver is losing a joust to a knight by the name of cirrhosis.
[Laughter.]
Oh, wow, wow! Looks like there's one pickled egg still floating around in the vinegar.
Yeah, why don't you fish me out, lay me down on a plate and see if you can get past how I look and smell.
[Laughter.]
Please, I had stew for dinner that I would like to stay down.
Thank you.
Mind if I scoot a little closer, pal? The seat I'm on is wet, and it is my fault.
Come on over.
As long as you don't mind the smell of garlic.
I did push my face into a plate of lasagna earlier.
That's funny.
In high school, they called me garfield, because I hated mondays and I had a tail.
Wow! You really know how to make a man confused down there.
What's your name, sweetie? It's Sheila sovage.
You can remember that, because if you mix up the letters it almost spells vagasil.
What's your handle, brother? They call me ace chuggins.
Ace? Get out.
I'm wearing one of your bandages right now because I ran out of underwear.
You're thinking of a different ace.
I work as a before model for teeth whitening ads.
Get out.
I have teeth for now.
That's insanity.
I have to be honest with you.
When I first saw you, I thought, I'd have to put a paper bag over her head.
Now, I'm like, I'll just put her in the shadow.
And you had me at paper bag on my head.
Wow! We are connecting big time.
Quick, what's your favorite color? Stripes.
What's your favorite smell? No farts.
- Me too.
- Really? Something is happening here.
Oh, it is, it is happening.
Yeah, it's called an outbreak.
And it's time for you two zika viruses to mutate on out of here.
You heard the man.
Why don't we go back to my place and see how many lays are left in this crumpled old potato chip bag, huh? I bet you I can have just one.
Well, it looks like we just bought a ticket to the kiss concert.
My tongue's not as long as gene Simmons'.
But my penis is even shorter.
Let's do this.
No! [Laughter.]
Wow! That was just amazing.
I think you gave me black balls.
Yikes.
Looks like this old El camino has stalled on the ramp.
Hang on, maybe we better take it into the shop and look under the hood, if you know what I mean.
I think I do.
[Laughter.]
Vroom, vroom, it's working! [Groans.]
Thanks to the 1975.
[Cheers and applause.]
Ben stiller, Owen Wilson, and this man, this man.
[Cheers and applause.]