Saturday Night Live (1975) s41e13 Episode Script

1 Oh my God, have you guys been watching - the primaries? - Yes.
Hillary got her butt kicked in New Hampshire.
We're all still voting for her, right? - Yes.
- Absolutely.
- Sure.
- Cool, cool, cool, me too.
Except I think I'm voting for Bernie.
What!? But yeah, me too.
You are? But so are we.
I mean Hillary is the most qualified candidate in history, but at the same time, eh? Yeah, Hillary has every single thing I want in a president, but She's no Bernie.
Turn down the lights turn down the bed Turn down these voices inside my head lay down with me tell me no lies Just hold me close don't patronize I mean, I like Hillary's foreign policy experience, but I love Bernie's whole vibe.
I'm obsessed with his vibe.
'Cause I can't make you love me if you don't Bernie is the best.
You can't make your heart feel something it won't Bernie is change.
Here in the dark in these final hours I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power but you won't I like when Bernie yells.
No you wont but I don't like when Hillary does.
'Cause I can't make you love me if you don't Did anyone else just get so cold for a minute? I felt cold, but safe.
Hey you guys I'm sorry I'm late.
We were just talking about whether or not to vote for Hillary.
I definitely am because Gloria steinem and Madeleine albright basically said it's my feminist duty.
Well actually that's not right.
True feminism is looking at both candidates equally, regardless of gender.
Well, if I really do that, I pick Bernie.
Me too, Hillary's just too establishment.
Yeah and Bernie's an outsider who's only been in congress for like 30 years.
Bernie's the best.
I can't make you love me if you don't You can't make your heart feel something it won't Like her for my sake.
Here in the dark in these final hours I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power Oh, boy.
But you won't -- - Guess what? No you won't I'm not even playing this thing.
I can't make you love me if you don't You guys I will say one thing about Hillary, she's way better than those republican nominees.
That's true.
Except I do like jeb bush.
You do? No, I'm kidding, who likes jeb bush.
'Cause I can't make you love me if you don't 'Cause I can't make your heart feel something it won't Deep in the dark -- - Excuse me.
I'm sorry, are you jeb bush? Wait, you can see me? Yes, you just stood up out of that table.
How long were you waiting down there for? But I was just I was doing what Hillary did.
You know, with the other ones because she and I are both big losers.
No, you two aren't the same.
Hillary may have lost new Hampshire, but she's still polling way ahead in the South.
Yeah, I have a ton of friends there, and they all love her.
That's right my babies.
Hillary's going nowhere! I'll see you in the South And live from New York it's Saturday night It's "Saturday night live.
" With -- Vanessa bayer.
Beck Bennett.
Aidy Bryant.
Colin jost.
Taran killam.
Kate McKinnon.
Kyle mooney.
Bobby moynihan.
Jay pharoah.
Cecily strong.
Kenan Thompson.
Sasheer zamada.
Featuring -- Michael che.
Pete Davidson.
Leslie Jones.
John rudnitsky.
Musical guest, kanye west.
And your host, Melissa McCarthy.
Ladies and gentlemen.
Melissa McCarthy.
Hello.
Hi.
Thank you, thank you so much.
Oh, my goodness.
This is so exciting.
It's Valentine's day show.
And I have a little something unusual for you I want everybody right now to look under their chair.
Go ahead, look under your chair.
Any of you -- anyone finds a glove, there's one glove from this week, it's like a caramelly color, it's an isotoner, it's a goody.
And if you find it, give me a holler.
It's missing its sister.
I've been having the most amazing week here.
My whole family's here, I just finished a new movie called "the boss" I wrote with my husband.
We had a blast doing it.
I tell you what, honestly, all I can think about is the fact that I'm hosting snl for the fifth time tonight.
Which means that I'm officially a member of the five timers club.
Before they come out here and make a fuss and give me my five timers jacket.
I just want to say, one little thing.
Hit it.
Never in my wildest dreams did I ever expect to host the show five times Five whole times They say five times a charm I got it tattooed on my arm five five five Host five times She was born born born a to host five times Born a to host five times Yes she was born Just ask lorne Even more I've hosted now five times Five timers club is mine Five five five five five five Five five five five five Five five five five Melissa.
Melissa.
Stop it! Five five five five - Can we stop! - What? - Melissa.
- What? You've only hosted four times.
No, five.
Five five five five Can you put her down please.
- No, what? - It's only four.
I googled when I was backstage sweating in this foam five costume that you made me wear.
Wait a minute, no, no, no, no, no.
That's not right.
The first was 2011, 2013, 2014, tonight and last year was the 40th anniversary special.
That's five, keenan.
No, no, no, the 40th doesn't count, baby girl.
That counts for like 1/16 hosting.
That's like 4 1/16.
So am I not getting the five timers jacket? No.
But look, you get this.
- Oh.
- That's cool.
Yeah, it is cool.
Why is it on a banana? Well, just to show scale.
And there's more.
Here, look at these.
Okay, these are even bigger than the five.
And the banana.
I mean, they're bigger.
You think about it, it's actually now like my own club.
I'm a 4 1/16er.
Yeah, now sing the song.
Tonight will still be fun because I'm hosting for the 4 & 1/16 time.
That's even better.
Never felt quite so alive tonight is not really thrive, it's 4 & 1/16 she's hosting for 4, 4, 4 & 1/16 times.
We have a great show! Kanye west is here.
Stick around, we'll be right back.
To white people, it was just another great week.
They never saw it coming.
They had no warning.
Then the day before the super bowl, it happened.
Beyonce released a new video, that embraces her black heritage.
Beyonce is unapologetically black.
Tribute to the black lives matter movement.
Showcase for black messages.
Her blackness like never before.
Honey get in here.
What is it? - What's wrong? - Out of nowhere.
I think Beyonce.
Is black? The day Beyonce turned black.
Guys, I don't understand this new song.
Hot sauce in my bag swag? What does that mean? Maybe the song isn't for us.
But usually everything is.
It was the day that choked the whole white world.
We have to go.
We have to leave America.
Beyonce is black.
Amy, I'm black.
What? No you're not.
You're like my girl.
Yeah, but I can still be black.
There's black people all over the world.
That guy's black.
I know he's black.
Beyonce is black? What about single ladies? She was black in that.
- What about (Unintelligible).
- She was black in that too.
What about the pink panther movie? Yeah, okay, she was white in that.
Right? It was the day white people lost their Beyonce.
Getting word now that Beyonce isn't the only black celebrity.
Some are saying kerry Washington may also be black.
No, it can't be.
She's on abc.
I don't understand how can they be black? They're women.
I think they might be both.
Both!? No! - What's going on out there? - New Beyonce video.
Oh! It was the day they lost their damn white minds.
Ashley? Honey, what are you listening to? The new Beyonce song.
I really like it.
Oh, God, you're black too.
Carry, that is my daughter.
Your daughters over on the bed.
Remember, you invited us for a play date? Oh, that's right, thank God.
Thank God? Really? The day Beyonce turned black, rated NC-17 for white people and G for black people.
- Mommy, is Taylor swift still white? - I don't know.
Just close your eyes, it will be over in the morning.
Okay.
Hi there folks.
Again, we appreciate you all attending our test screening this evening.
We reviewed your comment cards and the cul-de-sac was one of our highest scoring horror movies in four years.
I loved it man.
You all are twisted and I like that.
That is great to hear.
Show of hands, how many of you experienced a jump scare during the film? Where you physically jumped in your seat? One or two jump scares in there for me.
Spilled a little bit of soda.
I think you got a hit on your hands.
Let's hope so.
As you know, we were taping the audience during the screening for are television and web ads and you guys gave us some great reactions we'd like to use.
We wanted to show you some before you signed the releases.
Had a little jump there, huh Diane? It's so embarrassing.
This was taken during the first murder scene.
Dotty, you were pretty scared there? I think that clip might have been Diane.
No, it was you.
Well, it's kind of hard to tell with night vision.
Here's you guys watching the monsters in the trees sequence.
They're in the trees! By the way, that young woman who was punched is shaken but she's otherwise fine.
Well, for the record, I barely touched her, and I think she's a little bit of a drama queen.
You gave us some real great stuff during that final chase scene.
Holy [Bleep.]
.
Oh, my God.
My shirt.
Run! Run! I'm pissing myself! Man this bitch is pissing herself! They're in our dreams! I'm gonna tell everyone! If you're all okay with these, we have some releases for you.
Boy, I'd love to be on TV, I'm not sure if it's worth losing my dignity over.
You'll get $250.
Oh, yeah, deal.
Okay.
And let them eat snacks.
Mom, you rock.
I've never leaving this coach.
Linda Hamilton looks very young.
- What is this? - It's the very first Terminator from '84.
It's a classic.
We haven't had movie night in forever, this is nice.
Oh, no, there's a sex scene in Terminator? I don't remember this.
Now I have to watch sex with my parents? This is so awkward.
I need to ease the tension in here, I have to say something that will lighten things up right now.
When is the last time you guys did that? Oh, my God, that was the worst possible thing I could have said.
Everyone's pretending it didn't even happen.
I need to say something else.
Wow! She's getting railed.
Why would I say that? I should say something sweet now.
I love you guys so much.
Okay, kid.
That's very sweet of you.
Boy, I wish my hand wasn't still rubbing tommys thigh during an intercourse scene.
I'd hate to remove my hand too suddenly and have it effect tommys sexual confidence.
Oh you know what I got it.
Yep, nice one Patty.
Oh boy, I hate to break the tension with a witty comment about what we're watching.
Think Jim.
You know, she has very dark nipples for a white girl.
Nailed it.
I have to take a quick time-out from this or I will literally die.
I'm going to grab a snack real quick.
- You want us to pause it? - Uh, yeah.
No, why would you tell them to pause it.
Boy, it is a dark nipple.
That's a weird word.
Nipple.
Nipple.
Nipple.
We are farmers bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum I can't get that thing out of my head.
We are farmers bum bum bum bum bum bum bum Genius.
Oh, my God, I was so in my head about the pause thing, I opened the pantry and opened a box of dry rigatoni pasta.
And now I'm eating it.
This hurts.
Really bad.
I wish these two actors would have discussed wearing a condom before they started making love.
I hope Tommy doesn't think that's okay.
I should say something, just something casual, cool.
Something pro-safe sex.
Boy, rubbers are rad, huh? I wish I hadn't started rubbing his thigh again when I brought up the rubbers.
Oh Patty.
That was weird.
Poor kid, probably dying inside.
I'm gonna help him out.
You know, there's a sex scene in wild things that's way worse than this, it's a crazy three-way.
A topless Denise Richards in her prime.
The scene starts at 38 minutes and 10 seconds, you should check it out.
Oh, boy, they're going to know I have a Mr.
skin account.
Okay I can't take it anymore.
I have to make a witty statement so we can forget how uncomfortable this has been.
This guy's lasting so long.
You know, I bet he's thinking of baseball or his parents, so he lasts.
Not that I would think of you guys during sex.
That's gross.
You're not gross.
You guys were hot back in the day.
Like if I was in back to the future and I time traveled to when you were in high school, I would totally hook up with you, mom.
Ewww, what am I saying? I hate the Terminator.
I'm a virgin by the way.
Okay, see ya guys.
- She really is getting railed.
- Yeah, she's taking it like a champ.
ladies and gentlemen, kanye west.
Do you want me to give you a testimony about my life, and how good he's been to me? I don't know what to tell you about him.
I love him so much with all my heart and my soul.
With every bone in my body I love him so much, because he's done so much for me.
No matter what you've been through or where you've been, he's always there with his arms open wide, accepting me for who I am.
And I love him so much.
I couldn't do it without him, I wouldn't want to.
I'm crying now.
Feels so good to be free.
To be accepted for who you are, and loved no matter what.
Oh lord, thank you.
You are the joy of my life.
High lights tell everybody I'm back in town high lights Tell everybody I'm back in town high lights Tell my baby I'm back in town high lights We only makin' the highlights tell my mama tell my mama That I only want my whole life to only be highlights We only makin' the highlights Tell my mama tell my mama that I only want my whole life to only be highlights Can we play that back one time and after that night I'm gon' wanna play -- back oh no Sometimes I'm wishin' that my -- had gopro so I could play that back in slo-mo Just shot a shot an amateur video I think I should go pro We only makin' the highlights we only makin' the highlights One life high lights lmn' the life 'til I die I bet me and ray j would be friends if we ain't love the same chick Yeah he might have hit it first only problem is I'm rich Uh 21 grammys superstar family we the new Jackson's and mama 'bout that action I'm about that farrakhan life is a marathon I'ma shift the paradigm I'm turn a baby down I'ma bust a coach's head open on some diddy -- if he ever talk to my son like an idiot One time for a really gettin' it two times cause we got the whole city lit Impregnate bridget soon as she have a baby she gon' make another nigga Got the food in islam and the trenches hah even though they know yeezus is a Christian hah She spent her whole check on some christians and that girl ain't even religious Walkin' lmn' breathin' girl you know my past well hard to believe in God your nigga get killed Blac chyna trying -- rob help him with the weight I wish my trainer would tell me what I overate so when I'm on vacay I need to kick back want a boss or an R&B nigga with a six pack I need every bad chick up in equinox I need to know right now if you a freak or not I need every bad girl up in equinox I need to know right now if you a freak or not I need every bad girl up in equinox I want to know right now if you a freak or not I need every bad girl up in equinox I want to know right now if you a freak or not Oh lord, oh lord I need every bad girl up in equinox I want to know right now if you a freak or not I need every bad girl up in equinox I want to know right now if you a freak or not Oh lord, oh lord New York City! Eight times! The most of all time! It's "weekend update" with Colin jost and Michael che.
What's up, everybody.
Welcome to "Weekend Update" I'm Michael che.
And I'm Colin Jost.
And here are tonight's top stories.
The gop debate just ended.
In South Carolina and Donald trump was repeatably booed.
Throughout the evening.
Here's a quick clip.
Of trump responding to jeb bush.
Jeb is so wrong.
He's absolutely -- The crazy thing is, all jeb said was, it's great to be here in South Carolina.
Don't you guys know you can't boo Donald trump.
He doesn't hear boos.
If you boo Donald trump in his head, it's just this.
Jeb is so wrong.
Jeb is absolutely so -- At the Democratic debate, Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders made concerted efforts to appeal to African-American voters.
One a lot more than the other.
At the end of that debate, Hillary pulled hot sauce out of her bag.
This week, Bernie Sanders met with the reverend Al sharpton at Sylvia's restaurant in Harlem, and let's just say they did not tip well.
During the Democratic debate, Hillary Clinton attacked Bernie Sanders saying he needs to be honest with voters about the difficulty of accomplishing his proposals, while Clinton's critics say she has to be honest with voters about -- All that stuff.
And then there's -- Oh, wow, there's more.
Okay.
She's got to be honest about that stuff.
Donald trump promised this week he will stop using profanity and other vulgar language on the campaign trail.
Saying as we get closer, you'll be shocked how presidential I'll be.
Adding you'll love it so much you'll cream your jeans.
This week Beyonce faced outrage for her super bowl performance.
No, she didn't.
When did outrage go from pitchforks and torches to strongly worded tweets.
Even if you were outraged, what are you going to do, stop listening to Beyonce? Impossible.
She's too good, she's like the Beyonce of music.
And the better you are at something, the more you can get away with.
You know, not long ago, there was an actual petition to kick Justin bieber out of the country just for being a horrible person.
Then we heard that song sorry and said, oh, man you can stay.
People got bad when kanye tweeted Billy cosby is innocent this week.
But my first thought was damn, kanye's new album must be dope.
And it is.
When you're that dope you can whatever you want.
My grandmother is the most prejudice person we know and we all ignore it.
- Why? - Because she's the Beyonce of sweet potato pie.
This month nbc will air a special that features a reunion of the cast of friends, here to comment is Rachel from friends.
This is incredible.
It's so great to see you, Rachel.
Oh, Colin, hi, hi.
Oh, hi, hi.
Oh, wow yeah.
You know, I don't think I've seen you since the '90s.
- How have you been? - Oh, what? Yeah, yeah, I've been -- I've been good.
I've been good.
Yeah.
Good.
So are you excited to see all your friends again? Oh, yeah, Joey, Chandler, phoebs, mon, and of coarse Ross.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's all of them.
You know, I'm seeing them tonight.
Phoebs is playing a show at central perk and then we're all jumping in a fountain with umbrellas.
You should come.
I'll see you there.
Okay, yeah.
Okay, bye.
I'm sorry, what just happened? Oh, yeah, you know, that happens to me every few minutes.
Yeah, yeah, it's weird.
I don't know, it's weird.
Speaking of which.
Hey, what's that? What's what? That? Well, that's Michael che.
She's on "friends" she's never seen a black person, Colin.
Oh, yeah, hey, why don't you both come over tonight.
Phoebs is going to bring her new boyfriend.
And he's not going to fit in.
- I'll see you there.
- Yeah.
Oh, shhhh.
Wait, now you have a baby? Oh, yeah, sometimes, yeah.
Take him.
Rachel, is it me or do you always sound surprised by everything? What? Oh, yeah, no.
Okay.
Okay? What? Yeah? Huh? Rachel from "friends.
" Okay.
At a rally in Baton Rouge this week, Donald trump signed the hand of a toddler, the message read sweetly and simply, deport me.
Just yesterday Ted Cruz pulled a new campaign ad after it was revealed that a woman featured in the ad was a former soft core porn actress, once you know she's a porn actress, the guys entrance at the end of the ad is a lot more fun.
Here it is.
Maybe you should vote for more than just a pretty face next time.
You guys have room for one more? I'm beginning to think that started as a porno and they ended up talking about Ted Cruz.
Listen to it again, with the music turned up.
Maybe you should vote for more than just a pretty face next time.
You guys have room for one more? I'm Ted Cruz and I approve this porno.
Seamless voiceover.
U.
S.
officials say the satellite north Korea launched into orbit is tumbling and incapable of functioning.
Earning it the nickname, Marco rubio.
Anheuser-busch is saying that Peyton Manning was not paid to say he was going to drink a lot of budweiser after the super bowl.
I guess it was a coincidence he left the field on a wagon drawn by clydesdales screaming, whassup.
On Thursday scientists announced the detection of gravitational waves whose existence was first proposed by Albert Einstein in 1916, it's a pretty complicated idea.
Here to explain it to us is Denver broncos linebacker and super bowl mvp, Von Miller.
Von, you studied science in college? Yeah, I guess you could say I did.
Alright now explain this to us the gravitational waves were discovered when two black holes collided with each other? Yes.
Let me put it like this.
Two huge forces slamming together like me and cam Newton.
You're just talking about football, man? No, I'm talking about science.
These forces collide and make gravity waves like when I collided with cam Newton, forcing the fumble.
Sounds like you're bragging, are you sure you're not bragging about this? I told you, this is science, man.
These waves are everywhere in the universe.
Just like I'm everywhere when cam Newton's around.
Von, you already won, man.
Look this is a huge discovery no one ever thought it would happen.
Kind of like on one ever thought that we would keep the number one offense.
But hey it happened and it's amazing.
Discovery proves that Einstein's theory, me equals mvp.
You got that right, Von Miller, everybody.
Every chipotle in the country this week shut down for four hours to hold a company wide staff meeting about food safety.
Meanwhile, panda express shut down for two hours to hold underground rat fights.
So much money on rat fights.
A new survey lists the most romantic city in the country as Alexandria, Virginia.
The least romantic is flu farts, Ohio.
The renowned doctor who discovered cte in football players says he's absolutely certain that O.
J.
Simpson suffers from the condition.
He believes o.
J.
Developed cte due to repeated injuries he suffered while committing double murder.
But do you get it? Valentine's day has officially started right now, and here to comment is our own Leslie Jones.
- Happy Valentine's day.
- Are you having a good Valentine's day? I am now, you sexy dollop of miracle whip.
I just want to spread you on my sammich.
I'm happy being single on Valentine's day, because I know the perfect man is out there for me.
Okay well they say there's someone for everyone.
Do you know what you're looking for? Absolutely, you want a list? Yes, I do.
Dim the lights.
Give me something smooth, Manuel.
I'm sorry, who is Manuel? He's my piano player.
Hola.
Take it away, Manuel.
My perfect man is happy, kind, good kisser, but not too wet.
Don't slobber on me.
Good breath.
Treats me with respect.
Tight ass.
Considerate.
I'm talking about an ass so tight that it can crack walnuts.
I love walnuts.
Good hair, nice skin.
Smells like an Israeli.
Have you ever smelled an Israeli? Definitely not, no.
Generous, punctual, good sized penis.
One that is circumcised and functioning all the time.
Big smile, which shouldn't be a problem if your penis is functioning all the time.
I want a man who's confident, likes flowers, but don't send me any flowers.
Because I don't like flowers flowers is death.
You know how a body decomposes and then starts to stink.
That's what you're sending me when you send me flowers.
Because you already cut them up and you're sending them to me because they're dead and they stink of death.
Death fumes.
I got a bag full of rotten garbage dead flowers.
A bag full of death.
- Are you okay, Leslie? - I'm fine.
Patience.
Hates avocados.
I need a man that talks dirty to me, but not so dirty where I got to give him this look.
I want a man that's loyal.
Funny, but not funnier than me.
And so far, that has not been a problem.
Smokes weed.
Mom loves me, but not enough where she wants to hang out with me, unless she smokes weed.
I want a man who can grill a steak without having to cut into it and check if it's cooked like a little bitch.
How many steaks have you seen me cut? Completely despises avocados.
You already mentioned the avocados.
Clearly that is important to me, Jost.
I have to say, Leslie, this is quite a list of demands.
Yeah, because these are the qualities that I admire about myself.
Except for the part about the good sized penis.
Make no mistake, if I had a penis.
It would be huge.
Leslie Jones, everybody.
For weekend update, I'm Colin Jost.
I'm Michael che, goodnight.
Ladies, now, it's time for your final test.
You're going to use each of the pickup techniques you learned in my class, the art of the pickup for the first time in a real world situation.
Veronica, you're up.
Now, remember, zero in on the guy you like, compliment his friend to make him jealous and neg him, say something negative get him off his game.
Hey I like your haircut.
- Thanks.
- I don't know about your friend's shirt, gray is not your color.
- What? - I'm interested.
What is my color.
Perfect.
Say something negative, pique his interest.
Rhonda, why don't you give it a try? I'm ready.
I like your hair.
Thank you.
I think you're a piece of crap I will bash your brains in.
Whoa, what? How was that? That was very bad, Rhonda.
Way too negative.
Let's try one of our pickup lines.
Joe, you're up.
Remember to initiate physical contact.
Is that a mirror in your pants, because I can see myself in them.
Cool, so aggressive.
That was perfect, guys.
Rhonda, give it another shot? All right.
I like your outfit.
Thank you.
I'd like it better crumpled up on my bedroom floor? - Nice.
- Just don't let it touch my Uncle Jesse's trundle bed, I think he's a serial killer.
He pretty much told me so.
What are you doing? What is this? Are you hitting us? No.
But I'd like to hit your face with a wrench.
Rhonda! Duty calls.
I think I'm getting it.
What did Rhonda do wrong? - She said her Uncle's a serial killer? - Yes.
And she made that tiny fart noise with her mouth.
I'd just like to point out now whenever he smells a fart, he's going to think of me, dummy.
Janis, why don't you give it a shot? Do you know what would look good on you? - What? - Me.
Damn, can I buy you a drink? Let me try.
Do you know what would look good on you? Let me guess, you? No, not me, my Uncle Joe.
He's huge and he has a cool haircut.
Oh, my God.
Stop that! Oh, my God.
The world would be better if I choked you out and hit you in the head with a rock.
What the hell.
I initiated physical contact.
Rhonda, you choked him, put your fingers in his mouth.
Then in your mouth.
Yeah, but then I let him go, and I showed mercy.
So you're the dumb one.
Fine, won't you show us what you learned.
Remember to try to set future plans.
Me and my friends have a bet.
How much do you think the ball in time's square weighs, maybe we should go out on new year's and ask.
I've never been to New York except for one serious surgery.
Me and my friends have a bet.
I hear prison executions, the victim poops himself on a slab.
Maybe we should go to together to see if if he poops on the slab.
If he does indeed poop on the slab I'll give you $10,000.
If he doesn't you'll kiss me on the mouth.
But I don't have the money so I hope he poops.
Get off me.
Stop that, stop that.
Don't do that.
Uh-oh.
My Uncle Joe's here.
Somebody touched my trundle bed.
Yes, I'm nervous.
Of course I'm nervous.
But it's like, this is the thing I've wanted my whole life.
Man, I wear mc's like a sandal blow them out be gone.
The flame from the candle.
When I'm rhyming, rapping, that's me.
I mean, this is what I've been working for.
It's what I've been building toward.
And if I don't try now, when will I try? This week is exciting, though.
With kanye on, and I'm a big fan.
This week I think I want to freestyle battle.
- That's gutsy.
- That is gutsy.
I think a lot of people are wondering, why are you focusing on this? My goal here is for people to look at me and go, wait a second.
That's hip-hop.
Hip-hop culture has always been so important to me.
I even taught myself how to breakdance.
I was good, lining really really really really really really really good.
Here I am, a kid moonwalking.
I'm doing music videos, thinking, this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life.
It's all finally happening.
And then this is where it's not easy.
Then I get hired by "Saturday night live.
" I have no idea what I'm doing out there.
I'm lost, I'm scared.
I feel like everybody's thinking, wait, he's not a rapper.
It's like when people see me, they see, oh, he's this white nerdy guy, sort of a heart throb on the rise maybe.
But that doesn't matter.
The real reason I'm here is to become the greatest rapper alive.
And I think I can do that by being kanye west in a battle.
A freestyle battle.
Kanye west.
Man? That stinks, grab a mint.
What is that, your kanye breath? Whoa! That's actually dope.
Here we go.
Kanye, I'm going to battle you.
Kanye west.
Kanye west.
You need a mint for your kanye breath.
When I'm done with you, there's going to be no kanyes left.
Are you going to say anything? No, I guess not.
Because it seems like I'm the verbal catcher's mit, you've been caught.
Like a teacher with a lesson.
I miss the old kanye, chop up the soul kanye.
Straight from the go kanye.
I'll with the flow kanye.
I hate the new kanye.
The always rude kanye.
The bad move kanye.
Spreading the news kanye.
I miss the old kanye.
Kicking the flows kanye.
Where are the thoughts at ye.
I miss the old kanye.
You know we love kanye.
You used to love kanye.
You had the pink ball.
We thought you was kanye.
We used to love kanye.
That's all it was kanye.
Well guess what I love you like kanye loves kanye.
Well, that was the biggest mistake of my life.
I just destroyed kanye in a rap battle and now he's probably really sad.
Well, at least my career's on fire.
Yes! Doing things.
Okay, this is Franklin station, transfer here for the m-26 to Greenville.
- Hello.
- Hello, ma'am.
Would you like to sit down miss? Yes, thanks.
You got it.
So nice.
That's got to feel good? Yes, it does.
Chivalry isn't dead, right? I kind of meant the other thing.
- What other thing? - White man gives up his seat in the front of the bus.
I have to say, we've come a long way, baby.
Okay.
You know, they're showing roots on television for February, you know, and I have just been glued to that sucker so good.
Prime Ben vereen, prime O.
J.
Simpson.
It's a can't miscast really.
What character I love is kanye Kinney.
Kunta kinte.
I don't speak it, but I enjoy the work.
You sure you don't want to sit back down? No, I'm good.
I have to be honest, I don't love a lot of black movies.
Like the one where she poops? The pie and -- where was that? She was a maid, she pooped in a pie and made a lady eat it.
Is that called poop pie? No, it's called "the help.
" It's a little racy for me, but roots I do enjoy.
I told my husband Ron, if this is roots, which one is questlove.
He did not get that one.
That o.
J.
Is -- was handsome.
That's a waste, huh? Hey, man, I'm just going to get out here.
- This is a highway, ma'am.
- That's fine.
You know, there's another one, I didn't love is also got slaves in it, it's not roots.
I think it's -- is it eight - years I got a slave? - No.
- Eight years I got a slave.
- It's 12 years a slave.
Oh, was it 12 years, I didn't see the whole thing.
Hey, man, you can open up the door and I can tuck and roll out.
You don't even have to stop.
Look at that, we're like a benetton ad, huh? If I had to choose, I do prefer white movies.
There's so many great ones, the godfather, the gremlins, star wars.
Oh, boy.
But I did enjoy roots just as much as any white movie.
You know what I was telling Ron.
I said, how about somebody make roots with an all white cast.
You can't go wrong with that.
Hey, hey man does this window open.
I could slide right out of this window.
One second.
Wait, hold on.
Yeah, why? A bomb? Now? Okay hold on.
I just got word if I go below 50 Miles per hour, this bus will explode.
What? I don't waned to die with you.
I don't want to die without seeing the end of roots? I mean, do they ever get free? Don't worry, ma'am, I have a full tank of gas in this baby, so we can ride all night.
I just have to make one quick stop.
No! Once again, kanye west! I'm tryna keep my faith on an ultra light beam We on an ultra light beam this is a God dream this is a God dream This is everything this is everything deliver us serenity Deliver us peace deliver us loving we know we need you know we need it You know we need it and I'mma need you now oh I pray for Paris Pray for the parents this is a God dream this is a God dream this is a God dream We on an ultra light beam we on an ultra light beam this is a God dream this is God dream This is everything this is everything I'm tryna keep my faith but I'm looking for more somewhere I can feel safe and end my holy war I'm tryna keep my faith so why send depression not blessings Why oh why'd you do me wrong you persecute the weak Because it makes you feel so strong don't have much strength to fight So I look to the light to make these wrongs turn right Head up high I look to the light hey 'cause I know that You'll make everything alright and I know that you'll Take good care of your child Oh no longer afraid of the night cause I I look to the light When they come for you I will shield your name I will field their questions I will feel your pain No one can judge they don't know they don't know Foot on the devil's neck 'til they drifted pangaea I'm moving all my family from chatham to Zambia Treat the demons just like Pam I mean damn Gina I been this way since Arthur was anteater now they wanna hit me with the woo-wap the bam Tryna send photos of familia my daughter look just like sia you can't see her You can feel the lyrics and spirit coming in braille tubman of the underground come and follow the trail I made Sunday candy I'm never going to hell I met kanye west I'm never going to fail You said let's do a good ass job with chance three I hear you gotta sell it to snatch the grammy let's make it so free and the bar so hard That it ain't one gosh darn part you can't tweet This is my part nobody else speak this is my part nobody else speak This little light of mine glory be to God yeah I'mma make sure that they go where they can't go If they don't wanna ride I'mma still throw them raincoats Know what God said when he made the first rainbow Just throw this at the end if I'm late for the intro I'm just having fun with it you know that a was lost I laugh in my head Cause I bet that my ex looking back like a pillar of salt You cannot mess with the light look at lil chano from 79 This is a ultra light beam This is a God dream this is a God dream This is everything everything I'm tryna keep my faith but I'm looking for more somewhere I can feel safe and end my holy war I'm tryna keep my faith Father, this prayer is for everybody that feels like gmng up.
This prayer's for everybody that feels like they're not good enough.
For everyone that says that you said, "I'm sorry," too many times.
Jesus, I'm glad you came to give us eternal life.
I'm so glad about it.
That's what we're looking for.
Faith We was looking for -- More - Keep my brother -- safe While we fighting this -- war Cats.
A cat is a ticket to fun.
A cat is a dream come true with fur.
A cat is an animal in your house that you're okay with.
Cats are your best shot at having a cat.
So come on down for our Valentine's day cat giveaway, here at whiskers r' we.
Hi, I'm Barbara dedrew.
And I'm Tabitha, but I changed it to tabbytha because of cats.
You're fricking nuts.
Many of these rescue cats come from owners who didn't value their specialness.
Let's take a look at today's Fe-lineup.
Shall we.
This is Riley.
She's a millennial, she uses the Twitter box.
But I think she's a troll, because she fills it with crap.
I said it, I don't get it.
You're a corn ball.
No I'm a horn ball.
Cool it, we're on camera.
Don't adjust your set.
Toby is a hairless cat.
But he wasn't born that way.
I covered him with nair and ripped out all his hair.
And now he's got a bone to pick with me.
He'll thank you come swimsuit season.
Oh, look who we have here, this is William.
You should know, William hasn't been neutered yet, so he still wears condoms.
He always leaves the little rappers everywhere, like we get it, dude.
How wonderful.
This is sprinkles.
Sprinkles has a sad history.
He was involved in medical experimentation.
He would put lipstick in rabbits eyes until they screamed.
Little jerkass.
He's still nice to pet, though.
Tabitha.
I put the cat down already, I think you know that.
I cat help it.
Please, we both know you're just doing this to piss off your senator father.
We call this cat o.
J.
Because he's orange like the juice and a murderer like the athlete.
I find him guilty of being adorable.
And again, murder.
And this is whiskers.
I don't know if you can tell, but whiskers is a dog in a cat costume.
We think it's kind of a Mrs.
Doubtfire situation.
He has to pretend to be a cat so he can see his kids.
Anyway, come on down to whiskers r' we.
Our policy is bring a bag, and we'll put a cat in it.
Time to climb up on the scratching post I guess.
There we go.
Happy Valentine's day.
Whiskers r' we valentines cat giveaway.
See you there.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you thank you to kanye west.
Chance the rapper Kelly price kirk Franklin, the young thugs thank you snl.
Thank you New York City.