Saturday Night Live (1975) s41e14 Episode Script
Jonah Hill; Future
1 [Cheers and applause.]
Welcome back to the election center.
I'm Jake tapper.
On CNN I pass for a bona fide hunk.
[Laughter.]
It's been a crazy week in politics, so if tonight's election results continue to roll in, let's take a look back at the past seven days.
Donald trump was endorsed by governor Chris Christie and dominated super Tuesday.
Here's what he had to say at his celebratory press conference.
[Laughter.]
What a great, great night.
I really am running the best campaign, aren't I? The media's saying they haven't seen anything like this not since Germany in the 1930s.
[Laughter.]
I mean, everyone loves me.
Racists, ugly racists, people who didn't even know they were racists.
People's whose eyes are like this.
And this guy likes me, don't you? Wait.
What's that? Get him out.
As I was saying, everyone loves me.
I even got this fat piece of crap behind me now.
Isn't that right, Chris? Yes, sir.
Thank you, sir.
Please sir may I have another.
I mean, he really is a sad, desperate little potato back there, aren't you, Chris? Yes, sir, thank you, sir.
- Please sir, may I have another.
- No.
Go get on a plane.
Go home.
You got it.
Also, P.
S.
, America, I have a great big huge dick.
[Laughter.]
[Applause.]
All right.
Now viewers, I know this is going to be boring, but let's take a quick look at the democrats.
Tonight is shaping up to be a big night for Bernie, but Hillary Clinton scored big on super Tuesday.
Here's a clip of her thanking supporters.
Yes.
Hello, hello.
Thank you.
I just like to say thank the f'ing lord.
I won seven states tonight, and to celebrate I bought myself this brand-new storm trooper coat.
And to everyone who voted for me, thank you for trusting that I, Hillary Clinton, can bring this country together just like I brought these ten black people and one Muslim person together behind me tonight for this speech.
[Applause.]
Yes.
Aren't these people great? They're strong, they're beautiful, and they've all been punched in the nose at a trump rally.
And speaking of trump, he's on track to become the republican nominee.
So to all of you voters out there who have thought for years, I hate Hillary.
I could never vote for her.
To you, I say, welcome.
[Laughter.]
Because I got clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right and here you are stuck in the middle with me.
[Laughter and applause.]
Powerful speech.
Now, let's get back to the fun stuff.
The Republicans.
Tonight's election results are in and here to talk about his big wins is senator Ted Cruz.
Caution, we're about to show his whole face on the screen.
Viewer discretion is advised.
Hello, Jake.
Oh! Still got me even though I knew it was coming.
Happens to everyone.
Now, senator, tonight you beat trump in both Kansas and Maine, which was a huge upset.
That's right.
I beat him good.
And when I beat someone, it hurts because I still wear my big ugly class ring.
That's right.
I'm one of those guys.
But you did still lose tonight in Kentucky and Louisiana.
And that's okay.
I still love those states like they're my own children.
And just like my own children, tonight those states said, ew, gross.
I hate you.
[Laughter.]
Now, senator, let's talk quickly about Thursday's GOP debate, which many called crazeballs.
Oh, yes.
The debate was so much fun.
I talked policy, I laid out my plan for America.
And right at the end, I ate a tiny little white booger off my lip.
Yes.
That was absolutely disgusting.
I know, right? [Laughter.]
All right, thank you, senator.
And finally, joining us now, he came out strong against Donald trump with an unprecedented public address on Thursday.
2012 presidential candidate mitt Romney.
Hello, governor.
Hello, Jake.
[Applause.]
Thanks for having me.
Now, that's right, America, I'm back.
You didn't ask for it, but you've got it.
[Laughter.]
Governor, why have you decided to speak out against Donald trump? Well Jake for the last nine months I've sat down and watched Donald trump say something every day that was either racist or sexist.
And we in the GOP, the party of the great Ronald Reagan, we do not say racist and sexist things.
We imply them.
[Laughter.]
Subtly over decades and decades of policy.
So I felt that I had to take matters into my own hand, well manicured hands and follow the advice of my favorite rapster Macklemore.
That's right, and I chose to put Donald trump on blast.
America, he's a fool.
Four years ago he endorsed you for president.
Like I said, he's a fool.
He's a fraud, he's a scam, he's a flim-flam man.
Now, if you vote for Donald trump -- and I hate to use a curse word on television -- but if you vote for him, you're a sucker.
Oh, forgive me, Joseph Smith.
You are pretty riled up.
Gosh darn right I am.
And that's why on Thursday, last Thursday, I rolled up my thousand dollared monogrammed sleeves, I took a couple shots of non-alcoholic Kahlua.
I did ten women's push-ups and then I went out there and I gave the most aggressive, passionate, well measured anti-trump speech I could.
And do you think your speech changed the minds of any trump supporters? I do not.
Do you think any trump supporters even watched? Not on purpose, no.
Do you think your speech hurt trump at all? Honestly, I would assume it probably helped him.
Is there anything you would like to say directly to Donald trump? Yes, yes, there is.
Donald, you're duplicitous, you're reckless and if you become the republican nominee, know this, I would make a great vice president.
And live from New York, it's Saturday night! [Cheers and applause.]
It's "Saturday night live.
" With -- featuring -- musical guest, future.
And your host, Jonah hill.
Ladies and gentlemen, Jonah hill.
[Cheers and applause.]
[Cheers and applause.]
Thank you, thank you.
Thank you very much.
I have had such a crazy year.
Wow.
So much happened.
I had a starring role in the "hail Caesar!" Trailer.
What else? [Laughter.]
I saw "deadpool" opening day.
Thank God a question.
Hey Jonah, um medium fan here.
I noticed you haven't starred in a movie in a long time.
First of all, crazy rude.
Second of all, that's not really a question, Kyle.
Okay.
Here's a question.
What's it like being a movie star? I mean, can you ask one of your friends? That's really funny, Kyle.
I love your videos that you make.
They remind me how much I miss Andy Samberg.
Yeah well I miss your career! Hate you so much Kyle.
Anyway, this is my fourth time hosting.
So I thought -- [Cheers and applause.]
So I thought I'd mix it up.
We have an amazing musical guest tonight.
Future.
I am such a big fan of future.
I figure I'm such a big fan of future, let's forget the monologue and kick things off with a musical performance by future featuring Drake! [Cheers and applause.]
Drake's not here, man.
Oh, he's not? I guess I can do it.
No, I'll do it.
Get out of here, Jay.
Nobody wants to see that.
Anyways, fute, you were insisting I should do Drake's part? I never said that.
I guess I can do it.
If we're going to do this little rap I have one question.
No, you can't say any of the n-words.
No of course, not.
I would never dream, I never sing them.
Even when you're alone.
Let's do this.
"Jumpman.
" Halloween Taliban Taliban Halloween Jumpman jumpman jumpman them boys up to somethin' I just found my tempo I'm like dj mustard Lobster and Celine for all my babies that I miss Chicken fingers French fries for them hoes that wanna diss Jumpman jumpman jumpman uh uh uh uh think I need some Robitussin Jumpman jumpman jumpman I just seen a gypsy We have a great show for you guys.
[Cheers and applause.]
The media's been saying some pretty negative things about Donald trump.
But what are real Americans saying? The guy's a winner.
He's authentic.
He's the only one who's actually created jobs.
He literally wrote the book on negotiating.
Trump's an outsider.
Washington needs that.
I think he could make this country great again.
So when people ask why you support Donald trump, you just tell them -- - he's going to take our economy from here to here.
And I like that.
He's not some cautious politician.
He says what I'm thinking.
[Laughter.]
I don't know what it is.
I just like the guy.
[Laughter.]
Some of his ideas seem a little out there, but I like that he's looking towards solutions.
He's definitely not pc.
Why do I support trump? Three words.
Good, at, business.
A message from racists for Donald trump.
[Cheers and applause.]
You're watching southeastern Wisconsin's award winning news team.
Top of the hour from the bottom of the lake.
This is fond Du lac action news.
I'm Trish Wisnouwski.
I'm Joe bush.
And here's your news fond Du lac.
Let's get to tonight's top story.
So, outrage as the hearing dates been sought to determine where recently released sex offender Jim Heinzle.
I hope he doesn't get judge Briggs.
'Cause she fined me 300 bucks for going through a stop and go light to pizza hut that I know is yellow.
Oh Joe, yellow? I've driven with you.
Come on.
On to our next story.
Rumors are swirlin' about the possible cancellation of this year's annual winterfest.
Our very own Barb Von Stapen is at the fairgrounds.
Let's go to her live.
Hi there, Trish and Joe.
Hi, Barb.
What's happening there, Barb? Because my friend John Wheeler from the snowmobile place called me and said this is a big mess.
And I said, oh, yeah, I know.
Yeah, yeah, my friend Janet works at Labatt's goes to me, there's gotta be a solution.
And I go, well, what is it? She goes, I don't know.
I go, okay.
[Laughter.]
Good point.
Thank you for that report, Barb.
Keep us posted.
Yeah, no probs.
Back to you guys.
[Laughter.]
All right.
So what next? Should we do weather? Yeah, sounds good.
Let's go to Mary-pat with the weather.
Hey, what are we lookin' at Mary pat? You know what, guys who can tell what the weather's gonna do, you know? One day it's freakin' snowin' and the next day I got all the windows down in my navigator.
Oh, you got the navigator? Yeah, we got the navigator.
Yeah, you like it? Didn't I tell ya? Yeah, I like it.
Yeah.
It's a 2010 navigator.
Where'd ya get it at? Oh, don slender's auto and cycle right there.
Oh, yeah, don's.
Yeah, right where they caught the sex offender in his KIA.
You know, I never was a fan of KIA.
And it's not entirely a Korean thing.
Actually you know, my first best friend was Korean.
Couldn't speak a word of English, but she had a stand-up pool and she always brought me like weird gum to school.
You know, I think her sister kind of drowned or something in that pool and that's why they moved away.
Huh.
So that was the weather.
Okay.
Fond Du lac.
It's time to learn your lotto numbers and find out if anyone here got fond Du lucky.
As always, here to pull the numbers, Mr.
Ron Darusick.
He's been doing this since 1972.
Yeah, we just had his 90th birthday party over at the McDonald's.
Right where the sex offender was showing people his thing.
Okay.
Ron, you ready? Yeah.
First number! It's a one! First number's a one! Okay.
That's actually a seven.
Ron can't see too good.
Second ball! That one is a 14.
We got 11.
Lucky 11! Third ball! Uh-oh.
69! [Laughter.]
I had to say it.
I had to say it.
- It's on the ball.
- That's a two.
Not a 69.
It's two.
Okay, Ron.
- 69! - He knew that wasn't a 69.
He does that every time.
Let's go to tag Larson with sports, whatcha got tag? The badgers whipped Michigan bad.
That was the only game I got to see this week because I've got a troubled son.
He called his mother a "b" and he kicked me in the "d" and he told my neighbors to find their f'ing business.
Or they could eat his dirty "a".
That was sports, thanks tag.
That's the news fond Du lac and it's a good thing because looks like lunch is finally here.
So we got California Cobb.
With ranch sauce.
- That's not mine, I don't eat salad.
- Is there a flat bread? - Flat bread with ranch.
- No ranch.
There is the ranch.
Great match tonight, Nate.
Way to go, Nate.
You the man.
You didn't do too bad yourself, o'halohan - you're amazing.
Tigers forever.
Hey, Nate, wait up.
We're gonna have some beers behind the gazebo at depot park later if you wanna come.
Yeah, I don't know if coach wants me drinking tonight.
You defeated Tyler Stevens of great oak.
He was undefeated.
And you beat him.
Are you sure you don't want to celebrate? It's not about whether I won or lost.
It's that I gave everything I am to my team.
You're a hero, Nate.
Tigers forever.
Tigers forever.
Bye.
All right, Nate! Woo! You the man, Nate.
You guys.
- Hey, mom.
- How was your day, sweetheart? It was great.
Oh.
Why don't you sit down with your dad and watch some TV? Tigers forever.
Tigers forever, dad.
Good evening.
I'm Samantha Powell.
Tonight's top story is a heartwarming tale of generosity as undefeated high school wrestler Tyler Stevens allowed himself to get pinned by the school loser as an act of charity.
[Laughter.]
- What? - You should have seen the smile on his face.
I mean, you know, he like actually believed it.
So, yeah, it feels good.
- What the hell is going on? - Everyone feels very sorry for Nate because he sucked so hard.
Yeah, that's why the whole community came together to pretend Nate won.
What? This is insane.
He didn't let me win.
What I meant to do was sort of let him have like a come from behind sort like of movie-style victory, but when we got close to each other, he smelled so bad that I just had to let him pin me like right away.
I don't smell.
I'm glad he got to win.
Because he has so many problems.
And when I clean the bathroom I always find his pants in the trash.
He never make it to the toilet.
Number one, he no make it.
Number two, he no make it.
[Laughter.]
Why did they interview Mr.
Ramirez? He keep a pumpkin in his locker all year.
I say, Nate, you gotta throw out the pumpkin.
He say, it not pumpkin.
It my girlfriend.
I pick it up.
Little hole in it.
- Very little hole.
- What is going on? - You won the big match, son.
- Yeah, you beat Tyler Stevens.
They're saying he let me win.
It's the top story! I know.
And that's nuts.
Because the neighbors were murdered tonight.
It's the first murder in our city in like 20 years.
Yeah and a celebrity did it.
Who? - Eric McCormack from "will & grace.
" - Breaking news.
Okay, I'm being told we have another interview with the - janitor at Westfield high.
- Come on.
He tell me I his best friend.
I not his friend.
I cool.
Why is Mr.
Ramirez getting so much air time? An inspiring story.
A whole town coming together to make one weird reject feel like people liked him even for just one day.
And hey, Nate, if you're out there, I hope to God you're not watching this.
And Eric McCormack is back in the news.
And get this it's twins that he murdered.
The oldest living twins.
[Applause.]
$90 going once.
Twice.
Sold to Mr.
Dobson.
You win an hour of Spanish tutoring from honors student Doug Purcell.
Muchas gracias.
[Applause.]
Now, remember, parents, all the proceeds from tonight's auction goes to the senior carnival.
So get out those wallets.
Now, next up for bid, you may remember this band from the talent show.
And I hear they're quite a hit online.
It's the emojis.
What's up? [Applause.]
Now, their music video "I got a crush on Kevin" has how many hits on YouTube? Almost 300,000.
Oh, wow.
Well, highest bid wins a one-hour private gig with the emojis.
So let's open up the bidding at 100 big ones.
I'll start it off.
$100 right here.
Not so fast, Steve.
$1 million.
[Laughter.]
- I'm sorry, are you a parent, sir? - No.
I am Michael Acary, I serve king Fadid of Qatar.
The king's teenaged daughter, princess Sanna, took a liking to the emojis on YouTube.
The king insisted I attend your auction and secure their appearance to delight and amuse her.
Wait, what? When I win the emojis, they will immediately board king Sadid's private jet and spend the next week at the palace.
Upon arrival the teens will be bathed and groomed.
[Laughter.]
The young man will spend the day on the king's yacht while the young women prepare the evening's feast in the kitchen.
- I don't know how to cook.
- Then you will learn! [Laughter.]
During your song "I've got a crush on Kevin," the princess will join the band on stage and sing the lyric "I've got a crush on Kevin, yeah, uh-huh, yeah, uh-huh, and I heard he got a crush on me.
" That sounds dope, but I can't go to Qatar, sir.
I got to take the S.
A.
T.
S on Saturday.
And I don't know about my daughter going to the middle east unsupervised.
The king promises the young women will return with their virtues intact.
And for your troubles each entertainer's family will receive $500,000.
Have fun, cupcake.
[Laughter.]
Well, $1 million going once, twice, sold to the very generous Mr.
Acary.
[Applause.]
Excellent.
To the teens I've purchased please see Farid outside to be fitted for your robes.
- I don't want to wear a robe.
- Just wear the robe! [Laughter.]
Oh, wow, well, that's certainly a first for oak Ridge senior auction.
Now, let's bring up our star basketball players, Sean and Nate, who also have quite the Internet following with their vines.
Woo, that's my baby.
Hey, Sean.
What's up, ma? Yeah, so we do vines where we do trick shots.
Yeah, it's Dem boys do dunx.
With an X.
One of our vines was big on buzzfeed.
So Sean and Nate are offering a 45-minute private basketball lesson.
So let's start the bidding at $75.
The king's 12-year-old son is a great admirer of Dem boys do dunx.
[Laughter.]
I bid $2 million.
$3 million.
Farook, I see you are still Al Suleni's errand boy.
Back down Acary Dem boys do dunx will be mine.
And who is our new friend? How rude of me.
Greetings, oak Ridge high.
I am Sala farook.
Here on behalf of sultan of Suleni of Kuwait.
His 14-year-old son Talam is all about Dem boys do dunx.
Wow, okay $3 million going once, twice.
$4 million! Mom, what are you doing? Relax, baby, I'm playing the game.
$5 million! I know his pockets aren't that deep.
I don't think my mom will want me go to the middle east.
Then you are weak! But to ease your mind the king will offer you one hour in his room of 200 virgins.
All right.
5 million going once, twice, and sold to Mr.
Acary.
I am shamed.
Well, with a $6 million budget, this senior carnival is going to be absolutely insane! Dem boys do dunx, we must leave now as we have to stop in LA to pick up the young man who did the "damn Daniel" video.
You know those guys, "damn Daniel"? So great.
[Cheers and applause.]
Ladies and gentlemen, future.
[Cheers and applause.]
I just took some Molly what else? Got some follies with us I'm smashing broads what else I take from Pakistan what up Ferraris and them lambs what else? We about to smash this club up what else Get get get I turn the Ritz into a poor house it's like eviction number four now Go 'head and ash it on the floor now girl go ahead and show me how you go down And I feel my whole body peaking and anybody getting faded from the West Side east coast repping north side Never waste time I'm on my own time Always change my number and my phone line Baby girl, I don't lie used to have no money for a crib now my room service bill cost your whole lot If they try to stunt me I go all out military I'm camo'd all out like I'm in the military I free up all my locked up in the penitentiary 'Cause I'm always repping for that low life repping for that low life Low life low life low life Know I'm repping for that low low life Said I'm repping for that low life low life, low life low life, low life I'm repping for that low life New York make some noise wake up take a sip of ace of spade like it's water I been on the Molly and them xans with your daughter If she catch me cheating I will never tell her sorry if she catch me cheating I'll never tell her sorry Porches in the valley I got bentleys I got raris Taking pain pills on the plane getting chartered Popping tags on tags I was starving I got juice and the carbon Turn a five star hotel to a trap house roaches everywhere like we forgot to take the trash out Flood my cross with ice getting money my religion got my baby momma and my side kissing I turn the Ritz into a lean house this my sixth time getting kicked out I can't feel my face I'm on Adderall, nauseous trying to ride my wave now they salty Running with the wave get you killed quick shoot you in your back like you Ricky Lil Mexico from no life to afterlife my whole life my whole life New York 'cause I'm always repping for that low life low life low life low life know I'm repping for that low low life Said I'm repping for that low life low life, low life low life, low life I'm representing for that low life said I'm repping for that low life Low life oh yeah [Cheers and applause.]
It's "weekend update" with Colin Jost and Michael Che.
[Cheers and applause.]
Good evening, everyone.
Welcome to "weekend update.
" I'm Michael Che.
I'm Colin Jost and here are tonight's top stories.
Wow, where do we even start this week? Somehow with O.
J.
Simpson.
[Laughter.]
How surreal was that yesterday? I was watching CNN and they're like we interrupt this coverage of Donald trump talking about the size of his hands to bring you an exciting update in the O.
J.
Simpson murder investigation.
[Laughter.]
I was like, wow, FX is really going all-in on this marketing campaign.
[Laughter.]
Then the LAPD holds a press conference and they say, here's what we know so far.
A construction worker found a knife at O.
J.
'S house and he gave the knife to one of our cops.
And the cop said, cool, free knife.
I better hang on to this for 18 years.
Then I guess he saw the show on FX and he was like, oh, that O.
J.
Simpson.
[Laughter.]
So in the end the whole point of the LAPD press conference was just saying, hey, guys, remember how we got accused of mishandling evidence 20 years ago? Well, we still got it.
On Friday Ben Carson formally ended his presidential campaign.
Said Carson: My what now? With Carson dropping out, this was not a good week for black guys who may have stabbed people.
[Laughter.]
This week Hillary Clinton hosted a fund-raiser at New York city's radio city music hall bringing out a star-studded lineup that included singer Katy Perry.
So yeah, bill was there.
[Laughter.]
During Thursday's republican debate Donald trump went on record and guaranteed that he doesn't have a small penis.
First of all, congratulations.
Just to America.
Second, I want to point out that if women have problems with Donald trump on a physical level, penis size is not even in their top ten complaints.
You don't hear a lot of women say, I'm pretty much there on Donald trump sexually, just waiting on that dong measurement.
[Laughter.]
And unlike the Republicans, I don't want to sink to that level of just talking about penis size, but since we're here, you know who I feel bad for is Ben Carson.
He picked a hell of a time to drop out because there is no way he doesn't have the biggest penis of them all.
[Laughter.]
Not because he's black, but because he's a little slow.
You know he's got a big old dumb Lenny from mice and men situation there.
I know if I get it.
Bernie Sanders raised over $40 million from donors this month.
Sanders' campaign is now so rich it's voting for Hillary Clinton.
[Laughter.]
The primaries have been especially divisive this year.
Here with her take is the girl you wish you hadn't started a conversation with at a party.
[Applause.]
Hey Michael just so you know, if it were up to me, every year would be black history month.
Thanks.
So what do you think about the primaries so far? What do I think about them? They disgust me.
The candidates are truly repulsive.
And now Ben Carson is pulling out and we're supposed to believe that's the most effective form of birth control? No.
No wonder everyone has the zima virus.
And it's like maybe Leo caprios right -- bears.
[Laughter.]
Okay, so I take it you're disappointed with the candidates? People need to start paying attention, Michael.
When the alarm goes off, stop hitting the scoose button.
There are women in Africa right now who have to walk three Miles just to see zootopia.
And news flash, Michael.
You haven't even asked me if I'm transgendered yet.
- Are you transgendered? - How dare you ask me that.
What are you doing? I just snapchatted you, but your face is a tiger and I'm normal.
[Laughter.]
Cool.
So are you voting democrat -- why do we have to labia everything, Michael? Why can't there be a black James bond or white Jackie Chan or we rape bill Cosby cause guess what? If you're not part of the sudoku, you're part of the answer.
And it's multiple choice and you're none of the above.
And why do we even need superdelegates? Why can't we just talk to superman directly? And I'm asking you, Michael, because, blackguysmatter.
So real quick I'm gonna sing you all of Hamilton.
How does a bastard, orphan son of whore-- - stop! Please stop.
- Please.
- Fine.
You could have learned something about history.
Yasmine, yasmine.
- Oh, is that your friend? - No, it's my uber driver.
I think she's circling the studio.
How many minutes away is that? That's tetris.
Okay fine.
You know what? I'm going to give you something.
It's in knife I found at o.
J.
Simpson's house.
Who do you think would play you in a movie? I don't know maybe Denzel Washington.
I would choose a homeless woman so she could work.
But I'm sure Denzel would be appreciative, too.
Wait, real quick.
Wrap your hands around my neck like you're going to choke me.
- No.
- All right fine, then just slap me really hard, it's about wall street.
Just tell us who you're voting for.
All right, fine.
Here, hold this.
Oh, look, this man stole my purse and he's white.
What? Boom.
That's progress.
You're welcome.
I need that back because there's some Adderall in there.
Girl at a party, everybody.
Vaccines are a scam.
[Cheers and applause.]
According to the adult website porn hub, the most searched-for term in 30 of the 50 states was lesbian.
But keep in mind Michael travels a lot.
[Laughter.]
It's lonely on the road.
Senate minority leader Harry reid said that the republican party had created a frankenstein monster in Donald trump.
They also created sort of a fat Dracula.
[Laughter.]
And now a new segment here on "weekend update," news from the future.
News from the future.
I told you I didn't want to do this, man, get out of here.
What you all doing? This has been news from the future.
[Cheers and applause.]
A catholic priest in Ireland was caught on video snorting cocaine in a room adorned with Nazi symbols.
Okay.
But show me where in the Bible it says you can't do that.
[Laughter.]
Last week a woman named flossie dickey turned 110 years old making her the oldest woman in the state of Washington.
That's right.
So we sent our own Vanessa bayer to spokane to give the birthday girl our best wishes.
- Hi, Vanessa.
- Hi, Colin and Michael.
Well, she's lived through the sinking of the "Titanic," the depression and two world wars and feisty flossie dickey is still going strong.
Flossie, how are you feeling on your big day? I am tired.
[Laughter.]
I bet.
And what are you going to do to ring in 110? Take a nap.
[Laughter.]
Yes, who doesn't love a good nap? I bet you racked up a lot of crazy stories.
Can you tell us one? [Laughter.]
I guess some stories are best left untold.
Back to you, Colin and Michael.
Oh, actually, we aren't quite done yet, Vanessa.
Oh, no? We wondered if flossie still has a couple things left on her bucket list.
- Can you ask her about them? - Sure, Michael.
Your nurses told me that one thing you still want to do is ride in a red lamborghini.
Is that true, flossie? Do you want to ride in a red lamborghini, flossie? Is that what you want, to ride around in a red lamborghini? A bright red lamborghini, flossie, is that what you want to ride in? Leave this place.
[Laughter.]
You heard the woman.
Back to you guys and don't come back to me.
Actually, Vanessa, could you just ask her what is the key to living a long life? She's not going to answer.
Flossie, what is the key to living a long life? [Laughter.]
Well, I guess a girl has to have her secrets.
And I'm going to tell flossie one of my own right now.
She cussed at me.
- She said that I'm ruining this.
- No, I didn't.
Back to you guys.
And if you cut back to me, I swear I'm going to say the n-word.
Vanessa! Flossie dickey and Vanessa bayer, everyone.
[Applause.]
Scientists have designed a new device that allows monkeys to control a wheelchair with their mind.
And you can read all about it in this week's issue of "but why though.
" [Laughter.]
New York City officials have ruled that beginning Monday they will stop arresting people who urinate and consume alcohol in public.
The ruling is more commonly known as elmo's law.
[Laughter.]
You'll love this one.
After just three months in prison, former subway spokesman Jared fogle has already gained 30 pounds.
But that's what happens when your portions stop being child-sized.
[Audience groans.]
Oh, I'm the bad guy.
Yeah.
[Laughter.]
A Florida woman found a missing cat from Wisconsin which had wandered nearly 1500 Miles over two months.
Or -- and hear me out -- sometimes cats look like other cats.
[Laughter.]
This week comedian katt Williams made headlines for taking shots at rival comedian Kevin hart.
The report was settled at a secret meeting of black comedians in Hollywood.
Here to talk about this is our own Jay pharaoh.
What up everybody.
How's it going Jay, tell us about this secret meeting.
Okay the black comedians meeting? Yeah.
We hold one every year at Eddie Murphy's house in his bowling alley.
Tell us what happened.
First katt got up and katt was like, now, first, you got to understand something, boo boo.
This right here, this right here, this is war.
It can only be one munchkin on top you raggedy son of a bitch.
.
But that's when Kevin got up, first of all bow, ping, pang, fast.
Here's what the problem is.
First of all, you got a perm.
Only black man get away with a perm, is prince and he's prince.
You're not prince.
Got the same height as prince I do, too, but I smile.
Oh, my God! And that's when Dave chappelle -- hold on, Dave chappelle was there, too? I said it was all of us, Colin.
Chappelle is like, hold on, baby.
Everybody just calm down, son.
Just calm down.
We black.
We need to stick together.
Trust me, son.
Hollywood is expecting us to fail, baby.
Let's just calm down, go to Africa for a few years till everything cools off.
Africa? Dave, who want to go to Africa? Africans don't even want to go to Africa, and they live there! [Laughter.]
So that's Chris rock.
Yeah, so then Eddie gets up and he's like, wait, wait, wait, wait, everybody just relax.
Everybody just relax.
Everybody just relax and everybody cool out.
Alright, we gonna get ready to bowl.
Tracy Morgan, your turn to bowl.
Pick up the ball.
Tracy Morgan, ladies and gentlemen.
And Tracy gets up.
Listen, I'm bowling, Eddie.
I'll bowl right now.
You know Jackie gleason is my biological father.
Then Chris Tucker was like, you know, man, hurry up and bowl, man, damn! You holding up the game, man, damn, man.
Then Hannibal burress goes, okay, I just don't understand why everybody has to yell in excitement over a bowling match in a living room.
This is weird on so many levels.
And then Bernie Mac got up and said, next time one sumamabitchs have a party at Eddie Murphys house and don't invite the Mac man, I'm going to bust one of you sumamabitchs head to the white meat.
Hold on, Bernie Mac? Listen, man, you got me.
Honestly, Colin, I made it all up.
That's what I do.
Jay pharoah everyone.
For "weekend update.
I'm Colin jost.
I'm Michael che good night.
[Rain and thunder.]
All right, inspector.
Why have you called us here? My train departs in an hour.
No one's going anywhere.
As currently your host Mr.
Foxhole lies in his bedroom dead from a bullet wound, making one of you a murderer.
[Thunder.]
Well this is ridiculous.
I'm an American.
I have rights.
Yes, inspector, please do get to the point.
Of course.
All I need to know is where each of you were this evening between the hours of 6:30 and 8:00 P.
M.
I was plucking the feathers from the pheasants and putting little carrots in its throat and onions in its bum the way Mr.
foxhole prefers.
Sweet at the top and savory in the ass.
And I saw her on the way to the rose garden.
Where she saw me doing my calisthenics.
And my deep knee bends.
And we were in library having intercourse on a table.
I'm not ashamed I'm an American.
Indeed.
Well then Mr.
weston it seems that everyone has been accounted for except for you.
To be honest, inspector, I can't recall where I was between 6:30 and 8:00.
I just remembered something.
While I was plucking that pheasant, I heard 24 separate toilet flushes inside of 90 minutes coming from Mr.
weston's bathroom.
Is this pertinent? It is curious.
Does that sound familiar to you, Mr.
weston? It really doesn't.
I would recall doing something like that.
I just remembered something, too.
In the library, we could hear the pipes through the wall sounding like they were handling something they'd never handled before.
It was almost as if they were crying.
This is going in a direction I'm not comfortable with.
Maybe we should look for fingerprints.
Wait.
I can't believe I forgot this.
But I heard a terrible groaning and someone muttering, no, no, no, this is too much.
There are people around.
Why today? I did this already this morning.
Does that help with the murder, inspector? What are you doing to me? The geese! What about the geese, Mr.
doflappy? Well, it was the strangest thing.
I was doing my backspins, so I was facing the sky when I noticed two hands open Mr.
Weston's bathroom window.
At the same moment a flock of geese flew by the very same window and dropped dead instantly.
I didn't kill geese.
But the geese were dead.
They were all lying there with their little wings over their noses and their eyes were crossed.
Geese can't cross their eyes.
Actually, they can.
I studied them in the islands.
Geese will cross their eyes when confronted with physical horror.
That has nothing to do with the murder.
He was killed downstairs.
Downstairs? Well, wait a second.
I do remember now seeing the charred remains of men's white underpants as well as trousers.
It was as if someone burnt them in shame and ran out of the room as I entered.
This is ridiculous.
Mr.
weston! When exactly did you change into these women's lace bloomers? Well, those are mine! It -- pardon me, it looks as if you had to replace your trousers suddenly.
Do you care to explain, Mr.
Weston? All right! I was in the bathroom for an hour and a half going through a catastrophe.
What is the state of the bathroom at this time? Oh, my God, not good.
Okay? I will take care of it.
And p.
S.
, there's still a murderer on the loose.
Do we still care about that? There's no murderer on the loose.
She's sitting right next to me.
I've done it.
Lock me away! It was obviously because there was gunpowder on the pheasant.
Inspector, you're a genius.
You're a Fanny hole.
You knew that entire time that she did it and yet we spent hours making a mockery because of something I did in the bathroom.
- It was just so extreme.
- I know.
I know.
I was there.
I was scared.
And now I don't know how to broach it.
Remember, I didn't drive here.
So I need a drive to town.
So who is going to be cool? It could be anybody.
Okay.
So everyone's just breaking into little groups and walking away, talking, great.
[Cheers and applause.]
- All right, I'm Todd.
- I'm Casey.
- And this is -- - you're watching -- - and this is -- - "inside socal.
" Just let me do it.
All right, for our top story, we want to welcome our boy pat who he just had a little baby here, whatever.
What up, pat? What up? How's it going? Well, congratulations.
For sure.
What's it like having a [Bleep.]
baby? You know, it sucks because like you can't drink or smoke or whatever.
- What? - Damn.
Why don't you put that baby away so we can hit this, dude.
All right, cool.
[Laughter.]
There you go.
One for the daddy.
Cool, cool.
Peace, pat.
Now it's time for a breaking news story.
As you guys know, Jessica cabara has always had the biggest titties of anyone we know.
But recently she decided to get a breast redruction Breast reduction surgery to make them smaller, because they were hurting her back or something.
Well why would she do that? She looks good with fat ones.
We sent our boy Keith to the hospital to get to the bottom of this disaster.
What's going on, Keith? What up? - What's this even all about, fool? - I don't know.
This is one of the least baller situations in recent memory.
Apparently they want to cut off Jessica's boobies.
- So we're gonna find out what's up.
- Excuse me? Jessica, why are you doing this? Because I have back pains and it hurts.
Yeah, but all the homies love your fatties.
This is important to me.
Yeah, but like you shouldn't do this because they're the reason we all want to hook up with you, whatever.
- I'm sorry? - Okay.
It's time for you to leave the operating room.
- Okay.
Are you going to at least donate the extra boobs to girls who need them like Ashley Davis? I don't know who that is.
Whatever.
All right.
So, as you can see the doctor must have given Jessica some weird medication because she totally wants to get rid of the twins.
Such a sad story, Todd.
Now for the world news.
The world news.
Indian food.
Have you ever had it? It's not like hamburgers or Mexican.
It's more different.
And the people don't look like us.
My boy right here, Casey, recently tried it because they opened up an Indian spa by Evan and Nate Larkins'.
That's right, Todd.
Indian food doesn't mean the cowboys and Indians.
It means the Indian food.
I was actually wondering about that.
So it's what they eat? Yeah.
All right.
So that was the world news.
- The world news.
- All right.
So I'm getting word that we have a development at the hospital.
- Keith, what's the latest? - It's official, homies, the surgery's complete, and they're gone.
It's a pretty somber mood over here at the hospital but some of the boys from lewitt house are here playing beer pong out of a deep respect for Jessica's former big old taters.
Jason Parker's here.
He used to hook up with her sophomore year.
He's in a pretty bad place, he might even stop smoking weed.
But the homies are going to talk him out of it.
What's up? I can't do this.
At least he got to see them.
I think I speak for everyone in this room when I say no one is ever going to hook up with Jessica again.
Back to you.
Very sad day indeed, Keith.
All right, Casey, why don't you roll the clip? [Laughter.]
All right.
So this has been "inside socal.
" I think pat left a little baby here or whatever.
What? - Yeah, dude.
- I recognize that one, dude.
Hey, we're about to go to Aaron's thing.
Hey, do you know Aaron Hernandez? - I think he knows Aaron.
- I think he knows Aaron.
All right, you can roll with us.
Once again, future.
[Cheers and applause.]
Dress it up and make it real for me Dirty soda in a styrofoam spend a day to get my mind blown Dress it up and go to Nassau 200 Miles on the dash Gotta roll a pound up and gas it switching lanes in a grand rapid We the ones that kept it cool with all these homies til these homies start acting Shoot a homie like a film in a movie homie, gone let 'em have it Ballin' like the march madness all these cops tragic I'm the one that's living lavish like I'm playing for the mavericks Even though she average Dirty muddy in a cup 45 by my gut my young homie in a cut taking you out for some Jordans Let's count this money no rushin' I'm on a one way flushin' Loud pack smelling musty these police can't touch me these bogus police can't touch me These homies can't touch me apply the pressure with the vvs I drive the foreign like it was a Chevy drive the foreign like it was a ch-skrrrrtt Lift it up and gone and off-set it sex a cougar like she Halle Berry Future hendrix dirty sprite legendary Dirty soda in a styrofoam spend a day to get my mind blown Dress it up and go to Nassau 200 Miles on the dash Gotta roll a pound up and gas it switching lanes in a grand rapid We the ones that kept it cool with all these homies til these homies start acting Shoot a playa like a film in a movie homie, gone let 'em have it Ballin' like the march madness all these cops shooting people tragic I'm the one that's living lavish like I'm playing for the mavericks On a basic we gone wake up and smoke us a blunt she gone keep it so real with a homie that I'ma come back and always gone with her Bend a curve in a spur like it's a marta bus I was working and serving in nautica I get high 'til I'm higher than Mercury Around teach you that recipe Around, you gone be out of here make her say ha like a homie was juve Soon as that work hit the city we move it Post up in onyx and shoot us a movie post up in onyx and shoot us a movie Take the tool inside the club just in case a homie ever gotta use it Get a pint of code an pour it up Dirty soda in a styrofoam spend a day to get my mind blown Dress it up and go to Nassau 200 Miles on the dash Gotta roll a pound up and gas it switching lanes in a grand rapide We the ones that kept it cool with all these homies til these homies start acting Shoot a homie like a film in a movie homie, gone let 'em have it Ballin' like it's march madness all these cops shooting people tragic I'm the one that's living lavish like I'm playing for the mavericks I didn't wanna the Molly made me Dirty soda in a styrofoam spend a day to get my mind blown Dress it up and go to Nassau 200 Miles on the dash Gotta roll a pound up and gas it switching lanes in a grand rapide We the ones that kept it cool with all these homies til these homies start acting Shoot a homie like a film in a movie homie, gone let 'em have it Ballin' like the march madness all these cops shooting tragic I'm the one that's living lavish like I'm playing for the mavericks I didn't wanna smash the chick the Molly made me her even though she average [Cheers and applause.]
All right, I think we can all agree tha the basic financials make sense.
Let's get into the nitty grit of the merger.
I'm really sorry that we have to work through dinner but we have a lot to go through.
Don't worry about having enough food because the whole event is catered by silver star catering.
That's right, I forgot to mention that we're trying a new caterer out.
Enjoy.
What I want to do is focus on -- all the snack platters have been laid out by hand.
Enjoy.
Great.
Thank you again.
Dave, you brought the latest proposal.
Have it right here, sir.
You'll see that -- hmm, that's good.
And we're a freaking hit.
As you can see from the latest proposal there's going to be a hiring freeze if not layoffs.
Mike, it's Toby I want to give you a rundown on what's happening.
The food is an absolute runaway smash hit.
So obviously this will need to be approached with some delicacy.
Of course.
Yeah, a lot of hard choices to make on both sides.
Oh what are they liking? I'll tell you.
Everything! The chicken wraps, munched.
The roast beef sandwiches, munched.
Uh, sir? - Quinoa munched.
- Excuse me.
Dried pepper paninis scarfed.
Excuse me.
I'm on the phone.
I know, and you're being very loud.
Pigs in a blanket, let me check.
Absolutely munched.
- Even the new monkey bread is gobbled.
- Okay, you know what? I think we have a bit of a problem here.
Mike, we're a hit.
I'm crying.
The spicy hummus, chomped.
It's a miracle.
We're going to need to scale up, hire five black guys.
Black guys? And Mike, don't get me started on the goodies.
Twizzlers, lynched, bowl of m&ms, no nice way to say it.
Raped.
Italian cookies, finger blasted.
Toby! Bowl of ranch, gang banged.
Dallas five hundred it took them all, it took them all and it loved it.
No one has even touched the ranch.
I'm on the phone.
It's a business call, sorry Mike it's a madhouse.
What? - What do you mean you're getting robbed? - Okay.
Why doesn't everybody just read the proposal on their own quietly.
Oh, they're eating like hogs in a trough full of hog slop.
Munch, munch, she didn't even come up for air.
She's deep throating this broccoli Mike! What do you mean you're still getting robbed? Fight back, Mike, fight back.
Hand the phone to them.
Hello? Let go of Mike! He started it? He tried to rob you first? Oh, Mike.
All right.
Should we take a break and maybe order some pizzas? See what we got here.
Oh, God.
This is gross.
No wonder sams club is throwing it out.
[Applause.]
Thanks to future, Jason sudeikis the weeknd, lorne, the amazing cast the writers, and this is the best staff I've ever worked with.
Every time I'm here they make me feel like family.
I love you all.
Thank you.
[Cheers and applause.]
Welcome back to the election center.
I'm Jake tapper.
On CNN I pass for a bona fide hunk.
[Laughter.]
It's been a crazy week in politics, so if tonight's election results continue to roll in, let's take a look back at the past seven days.
Donald trump was endorsed by governor Chris Christie and dominated super Tuesday.
Here's what he had to say at his celebratory press conference.
[Laughter.]
What a great, great night.
I really am running the best campaign, aren't I? The media's saying they haven't seen anything like this not since Germany in the 1930s.
[Laughter.]
I mean, everyone loves me.
Racists, ugly racists, people who didn't even know they were racists.
People's whose eyes are like this.
And this guy likes me, don't you? Wait.
What's that? Get him out.
As I was saying, everyone loves me.
I even got this fat piece of crap behind me now.
Isn't that right, Chris? Yes, sir.
Thank you, sir.
Please sir may I have another.
I mean, he really is a sad, desperate little potato back there, aren't you, Chris? Yes, sir, thank you, sir.
- Please sir, may I have another.
- No.
Go get on a plane.
Go home.
You got it.
Also, P.
S.
, America, I have a great big huge dick.
[Laughter.]
[Applause.]
All right.
Now viewers, I know this is going to be boring, but let's take a quick look at the democrats.
Tonight is shaping up to be a big night for Bernie, but Hillary Clinton scored big on super Tuesday.
Here's a clip of her thanking supporters.
Yes.
Hello, hello.
Thank you.
I just like to say thank the f'ing lord.
I won seven states tonight, and to celebrate I bought myself this brand-new storm trooper coat.
And to everyone who voted for me, thank you for trusting that I, Hillary Clinton, can bring this country together just like I brought these ten black people and one Muslim person together behind me tonight for this speech.
[Applause.]
Yes.
Aren't these people great? They're strong, they're beautiful, and they've all been punched in the nose at a trump rally.
And speaking of trump, he's on track to become the republican nominee.
So to all of you voters out there who have thought for years, I hate Hillary.
I could never vote for her.
To you, I say, welcome.
[Laughter.]
Because I got clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right and here you are stuck in the middle with me.
[Laughter and applause.]
Powerful speech.
Now, let's get back to the fun stuff.
The Republicans.
Tonight's election results are in and here to talk about his big wins is senator Ted Cruz.
Caution, we're about to show his whole face on the screen.
Viewer discretion is advised.
Hello, Jake.
Oh! Still got me even though I knew it was coming.
Happens to everyone.
Now, senator, tonight you beat trump in both Kansas and Maine, which was a huge upset.
That's right.
I beat him good.
And when I beat someone, it hurts because I still wear my big ugly class ring.
That's right.
I'm one of those guys.
But you did still lose tonight in Kentucky and Louisiana.
And that's okay.
I still love those states like they're my own children.
And just like my own children, tonight those states said, ew, gross.
I hate you.
[Laughter.]
Now, senator, let's talk quickly about Thursday's GOP debate, which many called crazeballs.
Oh, yes.
The debate was so much fun.
I talked policy, I laid out my plan for America.
And right at the end, I ate a tiny little white booger off my lip.
Yes.
That was absolutely disgusting.
I know, right? [Laughter.]
All right, thank you, senator.
And finally, joining us now, he came out strong against Donald trump with an unprecedented public address on Thursday.
2012 presidential candidate mitt Romney.
Hello, governor.
Hello, Jake.
[Applause.]
Thanks for having me.
Now, that's right, America, I'm back.
You didn't ask for it, but you've got it.
[Laughter.]
Governor, why have you decided to speak out against Donald trump? Well Jake for the last nine months I've sat down and watched Donald trump say something every day that was either racist or sexist.
And we in the GOP, the party of the great Ronald Reagan, we do not say racist and sexist things.
We imply them.
[Laughter.]
Subtly over decades and decades of policy.
So I felt that I had to take matters into my own hand, well manicured hands and follow the advice of my favorite rapster Macklemore.
That's right, and I chose to put Donald trump on blast.
America, he's a fool.
Four years ago he endorsed you for president.
Like I said, he's a fool.
He's a fraud, he's a scam, he's a flim-flam man.
Now, if you vote for Donald trump -- and I hate to use a curse word on television -- but if you vote for him, you're a sucker.
Oh, forgive me, Joseph Smith.
You are pretty riled up.
Gosh darn right I am.
And that's why on Thursday, last Thursday, I rolled up my thousand dollared monogrammed sleeves, I took a couple shots of non-alcoholic Kahlua.
I did ten women's push-ups and then I went out there and I gave the most aggressive, passionate, well measured anti-trump speech I could.
And do you think your speech changed the minds of any trump supporters? I do not.
Do you think any trump supporters even watched? Not on purpose, no.
Do you think your speech hurt trump at all? Honestly, I would assume it probably helped him.
Is there anything you would like to say directly to Donald trump? Yes, yes, there is.
Donald, you're duplicitous, you're reckless and if you become the republican nominee, know this, I would make a great vice president.
And live from New York, it's Saturday night! [Cheers and applause.]
It's "Saturday night live.
" With -- featuring -- musical guest, future.
And your host, Jonah hill.
Ladies and gentlemen, Jonah hill.
[Cheers and applause.]
[Cheers and applause.]
Thank you, thank you.
Thank you very much.
I have had such a crazy year.
Wow.
So much happened.
I had a starring role in the "hail Caesar!" Trailer.
What else? [Laughter.]
I saw "deadpool" opening day.
Thank God a question.
Hey Jonah, um medium fan here.
I noticed you haven't starred in a movie in a long time.
First of all, crazy rude.
Second of all, that's not really a question, Kyle.
Okay.
Here's a question.
What's it like being a movie star? I mean, can you ask one of your friends? That's really funny, Kyle.
I love your videos that you make.
They remind me how much I miss Andy Samberg.
Yeah well I miss your career! Hate you so much Kyle.
Anyway, this is my fourth time hosting.
So I thought -- [Cheers and applause.]
So I thought I'd mix it up.
We have an amazing musical guest tonight.
Future.
I am such a big fan of future.
I figure I'm such a big fan of future, let's forget the monologue and kick things off with a musical performance by future featuring Drake! [Cheers and applause.]
Drake's not here, man.
Oh, he's not? I guess I can do it.
No, I'll do it.
Get out of here, Jay.
Nobody wants to see that.
Anyways, fute, you were insisting I should do Drake's part? I never said that.
I guess I can do it.
If we're going to do this little rap I have one question.
No, you can't say any of the n-words.
No of course, not.
I would never dream, I never sing them.
Even when you're alone.
Let's do this.
"Jumpman.
" Halloween Taliban Taliban Halloween Jumpman jumpman jumpman them boys up to somethin' I just found my tempo I'm like dj mustard Lobster and Celine for all my babies that I miss Chicken fingers French fries for them hoes that wanna diss Jumpman jumpman jumpman uh uh uh uh think I need some Robitussin Jumpman jumpman jumpman I just seen a gypsy We have a great show for you guys.
[Cheers and applause.]
The media's been saying some pretty negative things about Donald trump.
But what are real Americans saying? The guy's a winner.
He's authentic.
He's the only one who's actually created jobs.
He literally wrote the book on negotiating.
Trump's an outsider.
Washington needs that.
I think he could make this country great again.
So when people ask why you support Donald trump, you just tell them -- - he's going to take our economy from here to here.
And I like that.
He's not some cautious politician.
He says what I'm thinking.
[Laughter.]
I don't know what it is.
I just like the guy.
[Laughter.]
Some of his ideas seem a little out there, but I like that he's looking towards solutions.
He's definitely not pc.
Why do I support trump? Three words.
Good, at, business.
A message from racists for Donald trump.
[Cheers and applause.]
You're watching southeastern Wisconsin's award winning news team.
Top of the hour from the bottom of the lake.
This is fond Du lac action news.
I'm Trish Wisnouwski.
I'm Joe bush.
And here's your news fond Du lac.
Let's get to tonight's top story.
So, outrage as the hearing dates been sought to determine where recently released sex offender Jim Heinzle.
I hope he doesn't get judge Briggs.
'Cause she fined me 300 bucks for going through a stop and go light to pizza hut that I know is yellow.
Oh Joe, yellow? I've driven with you.
Come on.
On to our next story.
Rumors are swirlin' about the possible cancellation of this year's annual winterfest.
Our very own Barb Von Stapen is at the fairgrounds.
Let's go to her live.
Hi there, Trish and Joe.
Hi, Barb.
What's happening there, Barb? Because my friend John Wheeler from the snowmobile place called me and said this is a big mess.
And I said, oh, yeah, I know.
Yeah, yeah, my friend Janet works at Labatt's goes to me, there's gotta be a solution.
And I go, well, what is it? She goes, I don't know.
I go, okay.
[Laughter.]
Good point.
Thank you for that report, Barb.
Keep us posted.
Yeah, no probs.
Back to you guys.
[Laughter.]
All right.
So what next? Should we do weather? Yeah, sounds good.
Let's go to Mary-pat with the weather.
Hey, what are we lookin' at Mary pat? You know what, guys who can tell what the weather's gonna do, you know? One day it's freakin' snowin' and the next day I got all the windows down in my navigator.
Oh, you got the navigator? Yeah, we got the navigator.
Yeah, you like it? Didn't I tell ya? Yeah, I like it.
Yeah.
It's a 2010 navigator.
Where'd ya get it at? Oh, don slender's auto and cycle right there.
Oh, yeah, don's.
Yeah, right where they caught the sex offender in his KIA.
You know, I never was a fan of KIA.
And it's not entirely a Korean thing.
Actually you know, my first best friend was Korean.
Couldn't speak a word of English, but she had a stand-up pool and she always brought me like weird gum to school.
You know, I think her sister kind of drowned or something in that pool and that's why they moved away.
Huh.
So that was the weather.
Okay.
Fond Du lac.
It's time to learn your lotto numbers and find out if anyone here got fond Du lucky.
As always, here to pull the numbers, Mr.
Ron Darusick.
He's been doing this since 1972.
Yeah, we just had his 90th birthday party over at the McDonald's.
Right where the sex offender was showing people his thing.
Okay.
Ron, you ready? Yeah.
First number! It's a one! First number's a one! Okay.
That's actually a seven.
Ron can't see too good.
Second ball! That one is a 14.
We got 11.
Lucky 11! Third ball! Uh-oh.
69! [Laughter.]
I had to say it.
I had to say it.
- It's on the ball.
- That's a two.
Not a 69.
It's two.
Okay, Ron.
- 69! - He knew that wasn't a 69.
He does that every time.
Let's go to tag Larson with sports, whatcha got tag? The badgers whipped Michigan bad.
That was the only game I got to see this week because I've got a troubled son.
He called his mother a "b" and he kicked me in the "d" and he told my neighbors to find their f'ing business.
Or they could eat his dirty "a".
That was sports, thanks tag.
That's the news fond Du lac and it's a good thing because looks like lunch is finally here.
So we got California Cobb.
With ranch sauce.
- That's not mine, I don't eat salad.
- Is there a flat bread? - Flat bread with ranch.
- No ranch.
There is the ranch.
Great match tonight, Nate.
Way to go, Nate.
You the man.
You didn't do too bad yourself, o'halohan - you're amazing.
Tigers forever.
Hey, Nate, wait up.
We're gonna have some beers behind the gazebo at depot park later if you wanna come.
Yeah, I don't know if coach wants me drinking tonight.
You defeated Tyler Stevens of great oak.
He was undefeated.
And you beat him.
Are you sure you don't want to celebrate? It's not about whether I won or lost.
It's that I gave everything I am to my team.
You're a hero, Nate.
Tigers forever.
Tigers forever.
Bye.
All right, Nate! Woo! You the man, Nate.
You guys.
- Hey, mom.
- How was your day, sweetheart? It was great.
Oh.
Why don't you sit down with your dad and watch some TV? Tigers forever.
Tigers forever, dad.
Good evening.
I'm Samantha Powell.
Tonight's top story is a heartwarming tale of generosity as undefeated high school wrestler Tyler Stevens allowed himself to get pinned by the school loser as an act of charity.
[Laughter.]
- What? - You should have seen the smile on his face.
I mean, you know, he like actually believed it.
So, yeah, it feels good.
- What the hell is going on? - Everyone feels very sorry for Nate because he sucked so hard.
Yeah, that's why the whole community came together to pretend Nate won.
What? This is insane.
He didn't let me win.
What I meant to do was sort of let him have like a come from behind sort like of movie-style victory, but when we got close to each other, he smelled so bad that I just had to let him pin me like right away.
I don't smell.
I'm glad he got to win.
Because he has so many problems.
And when I clean the bathroom I always find his pants in the trash.
He never make it to the toilet.
Number one, he no make it.
Number two, he no make it.
[Laughter.]
Why did they interview Mr.
Ramirez? He keep a pumpkin in his locker all year.
I say, Nate, you gotta throw out the pumpkin.
He say, it not pumpkin.
It my girlfriend.
I pick it up.
Little hole in it.
- Very little hole.
- What is going on? - You won the big match, son.
- Yeah, you beat Tyler Stevens.
They're saying he let me win.
It's the top story! I know.
And that's nuts.
Because the neighbors were murdered tonight.
It's the first murder in our city in like 20 years.
Yeah and a celebrity did it.
Who? - Eric McCormack from "will & grace.
" - Breaking news.
Okay, I'm being told we have another interview with the - janitor at Westfield high.
- Come on.
He tell me I his best friend.
I not his friend.
I cool.
Why is Mr.
Ramirez getting so much air time? An inspiring story.
A whole town coming together to make one weird reject feel like people liked him even for just one day.
And hey, Nate, if you're out there, I hope to God you're not watching this.
And Eric McCormack is back in the news.
And get this it's twins that he murdered.
The oldest living twins.
[Applause.]
$90 going once.
Twice.
Sold to Mr.
Dobson.
You win an hour of Spanish tutoring from honors student Doug Purcell.
Muchas gracias.
[Applause.]
Now, remember, parents, all the proceeds from tonight's auction goes to the senior carnival.
So get out those wallets.
Now, next up for bid, you may remember this band from the talent show.
And I hear they're quite a hit online.
It's the emojis.
What's up? [Applause.]
Now, their music video "I got a crush on Kevin" has how many hits on YouTube? Almost 300,000.
Oh, wow.
Well, highest bid wins a one-hour private gig with the emojis.
So let's open up the bidding at 100 big ones.
I'll start it off.
$100 right here.
Not so fast, Steve.
$1 million.
[Laughter.]
- I'm sorry, are you a parent, sir? - No.
I am Michael Acary, I serve king Fadid of Qatar.
The king's teenaged daughter, princess Sanna, took a liking to the emojis on YouTube.
The king insisted I attend your auction and secure their appearance to delight and amuse her.
Wait, what? When I win the emojis, they will immediately board king Sadid's private jet and spend the next week at the palace.
Upon arrival the teens will be bathed and groomed.
[Laughter.]
The young man will spend the day on the king's yacht while the young women prepare the evening's feast in the kitchen.
- I don't know how to cook.
- Then you will learn! [Laughter.]
During your song "I've got a crush on Kevin," the princess will join the band on stage and sing the lyric "I've got a crush on Kevin, yeah, uh-huh, yeah, uh-huh, and I heard he got a crush on me.
" That sounds dope, but I can't go to Qatar, sir.
I got to take the S.
A.
T.
S on Saturday.
And I don't know about my daughter going to the middle east unsupervised.
The king promises the young women will return with their virtues intact.
And for your troubles each entertainer's family will receive $500,000.
Have fun, cupcake.
[Laughter.]
Well, $1 million going once, twice, sold to the very generous Mr.
Acary.
[Applause.]
Excellent.
To the teens I've purchased please see Farid outside to be fitted for your robes.
- I don't want to wear a robe.
- Just wear the robe! [Laughter.]
Oh, wow, well, that's certainly a first for oak Ridge senior auction.
Now, let's bring up our star basketball players, Sean and Nate, who also have quite the Internet following with their vines.
Woo, that's my baby.
Hey, Sean.
What's up, ma? Yeah, so we do vines where we do trick shots.
Yeah, it's Dem boys do dunx.
With an X.
One of our vines was big on buzzfeed.
So Sean and Nate are offering a 45-minute private basketball lesson.
So let's start the bidding at $75.
The king's 12-year-old son is a great admirer of Dem boys do dunx.
[Laughter.]
I bid $2 million.
$3 million.
Farook, I see you are still Al Suleni's errand boy.
Back down Acary Dem boys do dunx will be mine.
And who is our new friend? How rude of me.
Greetings, oak Ridge high.
I am Sala farook.
Here on behalf of sultan of Suleni of Kuwait.
His 14-year-old son Talam is all about Dem boys do dunx.
Wow, okay $3 million going once, twice.
$4 million! Mom, what are you doing? Relax, baby, I'm playing the game.
$5 million! I know his pockets aren't that deep.
I don't think my mom will want me go to the middle east.
Then you are weak! But to ease your mind the king will offer you one hour in his room of 200 virgins.
All right.
5 million going once, twice, and sold to Mr.
Acary.
I am shamed.
Well, with a $6 million budget, this senior carnival is going to be absolutely insane! Dem boys do dunx, we must leave now as we have to stop in LA to pick up the young man who did the "damn Daniel" video.
You know those guys, "damn Daniel"? So great.
[Cheers and applause.]
Ladies and gentlemen, future.
[Cheers and applause.]
I just took some Molly what else? Got some follies with us I'm smashing broads what else I take from Pakistan what up Ferraris and them lambs what else? We about to smash this club up what else Get get get I turn the Ritz into a poor house it's like eviction number four now Go 'head and ash it on the floor now girl go ahead and show me how you go down And I feel my whole body peaking and anybody getting faded from the West Side east coast repping north side Never waste time I'm on my own time Always change my number and my phone line Baby girl, I don't lie used to have no money for a crib now my room service bill cost your whole lot If they try to stunt me I go all out military I'm camo'd all out like I'm in the military I free up all my locked up in the penitentiary 'Cause I'm always repping for that low life repping for that low life Low life low life low life Know I'm repping for that low low life Said I'm repping for that low life low life, low life low life, low life I'm repping for that low life New York make some noise wake up take a sip of ace of spade like it's water I been on the Molly and them xans with your daughter If she catch me cheating I will never tell her sorry if she catch me cheating I'll never tell her sorry Porches in the valley I got bentleys I got raris Taking pain pills on the plane getting chartered Popping tags on tags I was starving I got juice and the carbon Turn a five star hotel to a trap house roaches everywhere like we forgot to take the trash out Flood my cross with ice getting money my religion got my baby momma and my side kissing I turn the Ritz into a lean house this my sixth time getting kicked out I can't feel my face I'm on Adderall, nauseous trying to ride my wave now they salty Running with the wave get you killed quick shoot you in your back like you Ricky Lil Mexico from no life to afterlife my whole life my whole life New York 'cause I'm always repping for that low life low life low life low life know I'm repping for that low low life Said I'm repping for that low life low life, low life low life, low life I'm representing for that low life said I'm repping for that low life Low life oh yeah [Cheers and applause.]
It's "weekend update" with Colin Jost and Michael Che.
[Cheers and applause.]
Good evening, everyone.
Welcome to "weekend update.
" I'm Michael Che.
I'm Colin Jost and here are tonight's top stories.
Wow, where do we even start this week? Somehow with O.
J.
Simpson.
[Laughter.]
How surreal was that yesterday? I was watching CNN and they're like we interrupt this coverage of Donald trump talking about the size of his hands to bring you an exciting update in the O.
J.
Simpson murder investigation.
[Laughter.]
I was like, wow, FX is really going all-in on this marketing campaign.
[Laughter.]
Then the LAPD holds a press conference and they say, here's what we know so far.
A construction worker found a knife at O.
J.
'S house and he gave the knife to one of our cops.
And the cop said, cool, free knife.
I better hang on to this for 18 years.
Then I guess he saw the show on FX and he was like, oh, that O.
J.
Simpson.
[Laughter.]
So in the end the whole point of the LAPD press conference was just saying, hey, guys, remember how we got accused of mishandling evidence 20 years ago? Well, we still got it.
On Friday Ben Carson formally ended his presidential campaign.
Said Carson: My what now? With Carson dropping out, this was not a good week for black guys who may have stabbed people.
[Laughter.]
This week Hillary Clinton hosted a fund-raiser at New York city's radio city music hall bringing out a star-studded lineup that included singer Katy Perry.
So yeah, bill was there.
[Laughter.]
During Thursday's republican debate Donald trump went on record and guaranteed that he doesn't have a small penis.
First of all, congratulations.
Just to America.
Second, I want to point out that if women have problems with Donald trump on a physical level, penis size is not even in their top ten complaints.
You don't hear a lot of women say, I'm pretty much there on Donald trump sexually, just waiting on that dong measurement.
[Laughter.]
And unlike the Republicans, I don't want to sink to that level of just talking about penis size, but since we're here, you know who I feel bad for is Ben Carson.
He picked a hell of a time to drop out because there is no way he doesn't have the biggest penis of them all.
[Laughter.]
Not because he's black, but because he's a little slow.
You know he's got a big old dumb Lenny from mice and men situation there.
I know if I get it.
Bernie Sanders raised over $40 million from donors this month.
Sanders' campaign is now so rich it's voting for Hillary Clinton.
[Laughter.]
The primaries have been especially divisive this year.
Here with her take is the girl you wish you hadn't started a conversation with at a party.
[Applause.]
Hey Michael just so you know, if it were up to me, every year would be black history month.
Thanks.
So what do you think about the primaries so far? What do I think about them? They disgust me.
The candidates are truly repulsive.
And now Ben Carson is pulling out and we're supposed to believe that's the most effective form of birth control? No.
No wonder everyone has the zima virus.
And it's like maybe Leo caprios right -- bears.
[Laughter.]
Okay, so I take it you're disappointed with the candidates? People need to start paying attention, Michael.
When the alarm goes off, stop hitting the scoose button.
There are women in Africa right now who have to walk three Miles just to see zootopia.
And news flash, Michael.
You haven't even asked me if I'm transgendered yet.
- Are you transgendered? - How dare you ask me that.
What are you doing? I just snapchatted you, but your face is a tiger and I'm normal.
[Laughter.]
Cool.
So are you voting democrat -- why do we have to labia everything, Michael? Why can't there be a black James bond or white Jackie Chan or we rape bill Cosby cause guess what? If you're not part of the sudoku, you're part of the answer.
And it's multiple choice and you're none of the above.
And why do we even need superdelegates? Why can't we just talk to superman directly? And I'm asking you, Michael, because, blackguysmatter.
So real quick I'm gonna sing you all of Hamilton.
How does a bastard, orphan son of whore-- - stop! Please stop.
- Please.
- Fine.
You could have learned something about history.
Yasmine, yasmine.
- Oh, is that your friend? - No, it's my uber driver.
I think she's circling the studio.
How many minutes away is that? That's tetris.
Okay fine.
You know what? I'm going to give you something.
It's in knife I found at o.
J.
Simpson's house.
Who do you think would play you in a movie? I don't know maybe Denzel Washington.
I would choose a homeless woman so she could work.
But I'm sure Denzel would be appreciative, too.
Wait, real quick.
Wrap your hands around my neck like you're going to choke me.
- No.
- All right fine, then just slap me really hard, it's about wall street.
Just tell us who you're voting for.
All right, fine.
Here, hold this.
Oh, look, this man stole my purse and he's white.
What? Boom.
That's progress.
You're welcome.
I need that back because there's some Adderall in there.
Girl at a party, everybody.
Vaccines are a scam.
[Cheers and applause.]
According to the adult website porn hub, the most searched-for term in 30 of the 50 states was lesbian.
But keep in mind Michael travels a lot.
[Laughter.]
It's lonely on the road.
Senate minority leader Harry reid said that the republican party had created a frankenstein monster in Donald trump.
They also created sort of a fat Dracula.
[Laughter.]
And now a new segment here on "weekend update," news from the future.
News from the future.
I told you I didn't want to do this, man, get out of here.
What you all doing? This has been news from the future.
[Cheers and applause.]
A catholic priest in Ireland was caught on video snorting cocaine in a room adorned with Nazi symbols.
Okay.
But show me where in the Bible it says you can't do that.
[Laughter.]
Last week a woman named flossie dickey turned 110 years old making her the oldest woman in the state of Washington.
That's right.
So we sent our own Vanessa bayer to spokane to give the birthday girl our best wishes.
- Hi, Vanessa.
- Hi, Colin and Michael.
Well, she's lived through the sinking of the "Titanic," the depression and two world wars and feisty flossie dickey is still going strong.
Flossie, how are you feeling on your big day? I am tired.
[Laughter.]
I bet.
And what are you going to do to ring in 110? Take a nap.
[Laughter.]
Yes, who doesn't love a good nap? I bet you racked up a lot of crazy stories.
Can you tell us one? [Laughter.]
I guess some stories are best left untold.
Back to you, Colin and Michael.
Oh, actually, we aren't quite done yet, Vanessa.
Oh, no? We wondered if flossie still has a couple things left on her bucket list.
- Can you ask her about them? - Sure, Michael.
Your nurses told me that one thing you still want to do is ride in a red lamborghini.
Is that true, flossie? Do you want to ride in a red lamborghini, flossie? Is that what you want, to ride around in a red lamborghini? A bright red lamborghini, flossie, is that what you want to ride in? Leave this place.
[Laughter.]
You heard the woman.
Back to you guys and don't come back to me.
Actually, Vanessa, could you just ask her what is the key to living a long life? She's not going to answer.
Flossie, what is the key to living a long life? [Laughter.]
Well, I guess a girl has to have her secrets.
And I'm going to tell flossie one of my own right now.
She cussed at me.
- She said that I'm ruining this.
- No, I didn't.
Back to you guys.
And if you cut back to me, I swear I'm going to say the n-word.
Vanessa! Flossie dickey and Vanessa bayer, everyone.
[Applause.]
Scientists have designed a new device that allows monkeys to control a wheelchair with their mind.
And you can read all about it in this week's issue of "but why though.
" [Laughter.]
New York City officials have ruled that beginning Monday they will stop arresting people who urinate and consume alcohol in public.
The ruling is more commonly known as elmo's law.
[Laughter.]
You'll love this one.
After just three months in prison, former subway spokesman Jared fogle has already gained 30 pounds.
But that's what happens when your portions stop being child-sized.
[Audience groans.]
Oh, I'm the bad guy.
Yeah.
[Laughter.]
A Florida woman found a missing cat from Wisconsin which had wandered nearly 1500 Miles over two months.
Or -- and hear me out -- sometimes cats look like other cats.
[Laughter.]
This week comedian katt Williams made headlines for taking shots at rival comedian Kevin hart.
The report was settled at a secret meeting of black comedians in Hollywood.
Here to talk about this is our own Jay pharaoh.
What up everybody.
How's it going Jay, tell us about this secret meeting.
Okay the black comedians meeting? Yeah.
We hold one every year at Eddie Murphy's house in his bowling alley.
Tell us what happened.
First katt got up and katt was like, now, first, you got to understand something, boo boo.
This right here, this right here, this is war.
It can only be one munchkin on top you raggedy son of a bitch.
.
But that's when Kevin got up, first of all bow, ping, pang, fast.
Here's what the problem is.
First of all, you got a perm.
Only black man get away with a perm, is prince and he's prince.
You're not prince.
Got the same height as prince I do, too, but I smile.
Oh, my God! And that's when Dave chappelle -- hold on, Dave chappelle was there, too? I said it was all of us, Colin.
Chappelle is like, hold on, baby.
Everybody just calm down, son.
Just calm down.
We black.
We need to stick together.
Trust me, son.
Hollywood is expecting us to fail, baby.
Let's just calm down, go to Africa for a few years till everything cools off.
Africa? Dave, who want to go to Africa? Africans don't even want to go to Africa, and they live there! [Laughter.]
So that's Chris rock.
Yeah, so then Eddie gets up and he's like, wait, wait, wait, wait, everybody just relax.
Everybody just relax.
Everybody just relax and everybody cool out.
Alright, we gonna get ready to bowl.
Tracy Morgan, your turn to bowl.
Pick up the ball.
Tracy Morgan, ladies and gentlemen.
And Tracy gets up.
Listen, I'm bowling, Eddie.
I'll bowl right now.
You know Jackie gleason is my biological father.
Then Chris Tucker was like, you know, man, hurry up and bowl, man, damn! You holding up the game, man, damn, man.
Then Hannibal burress goes, okay, I just don't understand why everybody has to yell in excitement over a bowling match in a living room.
This is weird on so many levels.
And then Bernie Mac got up and said, next time one sumamabitchs have a party at Eddie Murphys house and don't invite the Mac man, I'm going to bust one of you sumamabitchs head to the white meat.
Hold on, Bernie Mac? Listen, man, you got me.
Honestly, Colin, I made it all up.
That's what I do.
Jay pharoah everyone.
For "weekend update.
I'm Colin jost.
I'm Michael che good night.
[Rain and thunder.]
All right, inspector.
Why have you called us here? My train departs in an hour.
No one's going anywhere.
As currently your host Mr.
Foxhole lies in his bedroom dead from a bullet wound, making one of you a murderer.
[Thunder.]
Well this is ridiculous.
I'm an American.
I have rights.
Yes, inspector, please do get to the point.
Of course.
All I need to know is where each of you were this evening between the hours of 6:30 and 8:00 P.
M.
I was plucking the feathers from the pheasants and putting little carrots in its throat and onions in its bum the way Mr.
foxhole prefers.
Sweet at the top and savory in the ass.
And I saw her on the way to the rose garden.
Where she saw me doing my calisthenics.
And my deep knee bends.
And we were in library having intercourse on a table.
I'm not ashamed I'm an American.
Indeed.
Well then Mr.
weston it seems that everyone has been accounted for except for you.
To be honest, inspector, I can't recall where I was between 6:30 and 8:00.
I just remembered something.
While I was plucking that pheasant, I heard 24 separate toilet flushes inside of 90 minutes coming from Mr.
weston's bathroom.
Is this pertinent? It is curious.
Does that sound familiar to you, Mr.
weston? It really doesn't.
I would recall doing something like that.
I just remembered something, too.
In the library, we could hear the pipes through the wall sounding like they were handling something they'd never handled before.
It was almost as if they were crying.
This is going in a direction I'm not comfortable with.
Maybe we should look for fingerprints.
Wait.
I can't believe I forgot this.
But I heard a terrible groaning and someone muttering, no, no, no, this is too much.
There are people around.
Why today? I did this already this morning.
Does that help with the murder, inspector? What are you doing to me? The geese! What about the geese, Mr.
doflappy? Well, it was the strangest thing.
I was doing my backspins, so I was facing the sky when I noticed two hands open Mr.
Weston's bathroom window.
At the same moment a flock of geese flew by the very same window and dropped dead instantly.
I didn't kill geese.
But the geese were dead.
They were all lying there with their little wings over their noses and their eyes were crossed.
Geese can't cross their eyes.
Actually, they can.
I studied them in the islands.
Geese will cross their eyes when confronted with physical horror.
That has nothing to do with the murder.
He was killed downstairs.
Downstairs? Well, wait a second.
I do remember now seeing the charred remains of men's white underpants as well as trousers.
It was as if someone burnt them in shame and ran out of the room as I entered.
This is ridiculous.
Mr.
weston! When exactly did you change into these women's lace bloomers? Well, those are mine! It -- pardon me, it looks as if you had to replace your trousers suddenly.
Do you care to explain, Mr.
Weston? All right! I was in the bathroom for an hour and a half going through a catastrophe.
What is the state of the bathroom at this time? Oh, my God, not good.
Okay? I will take care of it.
And p.
S.
, there's still a murderer on the loose.
Do we still care about that? There's no murderer on the loose.
She's sitting right next to me.
I've done it.
Lock me away! It was obviously because there was gunpowder on the pheasant.
Inspector, you're a genius.
You're a Fanny hole.
You knew that entire time that she did it and yet we spent hours making a mockery because of something I did in the bathroom.
- It was just so extreme.
- I know.
I know.
I was there.
I was scared.
And now I don't know how to broach it.
Remember, I didn't drive here.
So I need a drive to town.
So who is going to be cool? It could be anybody.
Okay.
So everyone's just breaking into little groups and walking away, talking, great.
[Cheers and applause.]
- All right, I'm Todd.
- I'm Casey.
- And this is -- - you're watching -- - and this is -- - "inside socal.
" Just let me do it.
All right, for our top story, we want to welcome our boy pat who he just had a little baby here, whatever.
What up, pat? What up? How's it going? Well, congratulations.
For sure.
What's it like having a [Bleep.]
baby? You know, it sucks because like you can't drink or smoke or whatever.
- What? - Damn.
Why don't you put that baby away so we can hit this, dude.
All right, cool.
[Laughter.]
There you go.
One for the daddy.
Cool, cool.
Peace, pat.
Now it's time for a breaking news story.
As you guys know, Jessica cabara has always had the biggest titties of anyone we know.
But recently she decided to get a breast redruction Breast reduction surgery to make them smaller, because they were hurting her back or something.
Well why would she do that? She looks good with fat ones.
We sent our boy Keith to the hospital to get to the bottom of this disaster.
What's going on, Keith? What up? - What's this even all about, fool? - I don't know.
This is one of the least baller situations in recent memory.
Apparently they want to cut off Jessica's boobies.
- So we're gonna find out what's up.
- Excuse me? Jessica, why are you doing this? Because I have back pains and it hurts.
Yeah, but all the homies love your fatties.
This is important to me.
Yeah, but like you shouldn't do this because they're the reason we all want to hook up with you, whatever.
- I'm sorry? - Okay.
It's time for you to leave the operating room.
- Okay.
Are you going to at least donate the extra boobs to girls who need them like Ashley Davis? I don't know who that is.
Whatever.
All right.
So, as you can see the doctor must have given Jessica some weird medication because she totally wants to get rid of the twins.
Such a sad story, Todd.
Now for the world news.
The world news.
Indian food.
Have you ever had it? It's not like hamburgers or Mexican.
It's more different.
And the people don't look like us.
My boy right here, Casey, recently tried it because they opened up an Indian spa by Evan and Nate Larkins'.
That's right, Todd.
Indian food doesn't mean the cowboys and Indians.
It means the Indian food.
I was actually wondering about that.
So it's what they eat? Yeah.
All right.
So that was the world news.
- The world news.
- All right.
So I'm getting word that we have a development at the hospital.
- Keith, what's the latest? - It's official, homies, the surgery's complete, and they're gone.
It's a pretty somber mood over here at the hospital but some of the boys from lewitt house are here playing beer pong out of a deep respect for Jessica's former big old taters.
Jason Parker's here.
He used to hook up with her sophomore year.
He's in a pretty bad place, he might even stop smoking weed.
But the homies are going to talk him out of it.
What's up? I can't do this.
At least he got to see them.
I think I speak for everyone in this room when I say no one is ever going to hook up with Jessica again.
Back to you.
Very sad day indeed, Keith.
All right, Casey, why don't you roll the clip? [Laughter.]
All right.
So this has been "inside socal.
" I think pat left a little baby here or whatever.
What? - Yeah, dude.
- I recognize that one, dude.
Hey, we're about to go to Aaron's thing.
Hey, do you know Aaron Hernandez? - I think he knows Aaron.
- I think he knows Aaron.
All right, you can roll with us.
Once again, future.
[Cheers and applause.]
Dress it up and make it real for me Dirty soda in a styrofoam spend a day to get my mind blown Dress it up and go to Nassau 200 Miles on the dash Gotta roll a pound up and gas it switching lanes in a grand rapid We the ones that kept it cool with all these homies til these homies start acting Shoot a homie like a film in a movie homie, gone let 'em have it Ballin' like the march madness all these cops tragic I'm the one that's living lavish like I'm playing for the mavericks Even though she average Dirty muddy in a cup 45 by my gut my young homie in a cut taking you out for some Jordans Let's count this money no rushin' I'm on a one way flushin' Loud pack smelling musty these police can't touch me these bogus police can't touch me These homies can't touch me apply the pressure with the vvs I drive the foreign like it was a Chevy drive the foreign like it was a ch-skrrrrtt Lift it up and gone and off-set it sex a cougar like she Halle Berry Future hendrix dirty sprite legendary Dirty soda in a styrofoam spend a day to get my mind blown Dress it up and go to Nassau 200 Miles on the dash Gotta roll a pound up and gas it switching lanes in a grand rapid We the ones that kept it cool with all these homies til these homies start acting Shoot a playa like a film in a movie homie, gone let 'em have it Ballin' like the march madness all these cops shooting people tragic I'm the one that's living lavish like I'm playing for the mavericks On a basic we gone wake up and smoke us a blunt she gone keep it so real with a homie that I'ma come back and always gone with her Bend a curve in a spur like it's a marta bus I was working and serving in nautica I get high 'til I'm higher than Mercury Around teach you that recipe Around, you gone be out of here make her say ha like a homie was juve Soon as that work hit the city we move it Post up in onyx and shoot us a movie post up in onyx and shoot us a movie Take the tool inside the club just in case a homie ever gotta use it Get a pint of code an pour it up Dirty soda in a styrofoam spend a day to get my mind blown Dress it up and go to Nassau 200 Miles on the dash Gotta roll a pound up and gas it switching lanes in a grand rapide We the ones that kept it cool with all these homies til these homies start acting Shoot a homie like a film in a movie homie, gone let 'em have it Ballin' like it's march madness all these cops shooting people tragic I'm the one that's living lavish like I'm playing for the mavericks I didn't wanna the Molly made me Dirty soda in a styrofoam spend a day to get my mind blown Dress it up and go to Nassau 200 Miles on the dash Gotta roll a pound up and gas it switching lanes in a grand rapide We the ones that kept it cool with all these homies til these homies start acting Shoot a homie like a film in a movie homie, gone let 'em have it Ballin' like the march madness all these cops shooting tragic I'm the one that's living lavish like I'm playing for the mavericks I didn't wanna smash the chick the Molly made me her even though she average [Cheers and applause.]
All right, I think we can all agree tha the basic financials make sense.
Let's get into the nitty grit of the merger.
I'm really sorry that we have to work through dinner but we have a lot to go through.
Don't worry about having enough food because the whole event is catered by silver star catering.
That's right, I forgot to mention that we're trying a new caterer out.
Enjoy.
What I want to do is focus on -- all the snack platters have been laid out by hand.
Enjoy.
Great.
Thank you again.
Dave, you brought the latest proposal.
Have it right here, sir.
You'll see that -- hmm, that's good.
And we're a freaking hit.
As you can see from the latest proposal there's going to be a hiring freeze if not layoffs.
Mike, it's Toby I want to give you a rundown on what's happening.
The food is an absolute runaway smash hit.
So obviously this will need to be approached with some delicacy.
Of course.
Yeah, a lot of hard choices to make on both sides.
Oh what are they liking? I'll tell you.
Everything! The chicken wraps, munched.
The roast beef sandwiches, munched.
Uh, sir? - Quinoa munched.
- Excuse me.
Dried pepper paninis scarfed.
Excuse me.
I'm on the phone.
I know, and you're being very loud.
Pigs in a blanket, let me check.
Absolutely munched.
- Even the new monkey bread is gobbled.
- Okay, you know what? I think we have a bit of a problem here.
Mike, we're a hit.
I'm crying.
The spicy hummus, chomped.
It's a miracle.
We're going to need to scale up, hire five black guys.
Black guys? And Mike, don't get me started on the goodies.
Twizzlers, lynched, bowl of m&ms, no nice way to say it.
Raped.
Italian cookies, finger blasted.
Toby! Bowl of ranch, gang banged.
Dallas five hundred it took them all, it took them all and it loved it.
No one has even touched the ranch.
I'm on the phone.
It's a business call, sorry Mike it's a madhouse.
What? - What do you mean you're getting robbed? - Okay.
Why doesn't everybody just read the proposal on their own quietly.
Oh, they're eating like hogs in a trough full of hog slop.
Munch, munch, she didn't even come up for air.
She's deep throating this broccoli Mike! What do you mean you're still getting robbed? Fight back, Mike, fight back.
Hand the phone to them.
Hello? Let go of Mike! He started it? He tried to rob you first? Oh, Mike.
All right.
Should we take a break and maybe order some pizzas? See what we got here.
Oh, God.
This is gross.
No wonder sams club is throwing it out.
[Applause.]
Thanks to future, Jason sudeikis the weeknd, lorne, the amazing cast the writers, and this is the best staff I've ever worked with.
Every time I'm here they make me feel like family.
I love you all.
Thank you.
[Cheers and applause.]