Have I Got a Bit More News for You (2007) s46e01 Episode Script
David Mitchell, Cathy Newman, Danny Baker
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Good evening.
Welcome to Have I Got News For You.
I'm David Mitchell.
In the news this week While Miley Cyrus is out at the VMA Awards, her dog is back at home watching her performance on TV.
In Farnborough, the MOD proudly unveils the ã60 billion replacement for the Harrier Jump Jet.
And as officers from Operation Yewtree move in to arrest one of the stars of Play School, he makes a desperate, last-minute bid for freedom.
On Ian's team tonight is the presenter on Channel 4 News who claims that she reads every national newspaper every day.
As does Ian! So you can see how useful that is for THIS show.
Please welcome Cathy Newman.
APPLAUSE And with Paul tonight is a writer and presenter who is currently hosting a show on BT Sport, although we only have his word for that.
LAUGHTER Please welcome Danny Baker.
Thank you.
APPLAUSE And we start with the bigger stories of the week.
Paul and Danny, have a look at this.
Ah, yes, obviously, Conservative Party Conference.
There's the Prime Minister and his lovely wife.
And there's Osborne trying to get blood from a stone.
Yeah.
There's, uh, ooh What's his face doing? I don't know.
It's very odd, isn't it? Ah, look, I believe Mia Farrow says, "It's your son.
" Yes.
So this is the Conservatives have been having their conference and Boris has been speaking, I think.
Yes.
Osborne made a major announcement at the Tory Party conference.
About his haircut? Did Did he? Well, he had a comb-over.
Yes.
He's ending the recession, isn't he? Do you remember? He's literally combing over the recession? Hiding the recession.
It's still there, but he's hiding it.
No, that's not the announcement I meant.
LAUGHTER Is this the return of the workhouse? That's the announcement I meant.
Yes.
It's part of the buy-your-house, except you don't know if it's going to be a big one where you make rope.
LAUGHTER People have to go to the Jobcentre every day to register the fact that they're still unemployed? Yes.
Precisely.
He said the jobless are to be required to work for their benefits by, for example, picking up litter.
Here's how it went down in the hall.
It used to be a lot more entertaining - and I'm not suggesting they should do a Strictly Tory Party conference.
They used to tell jokes and sing songs.
They did.
People who couldn't tell jokes would do, it was extraordinary.
My dad used to say, "Ooh, it was a lot of fun.
" Like the X Factor.
The best acts have been stolen.
Ann Widdecombe went to Strictly.
I know.
You know, got poached.
The idea of Ann Widdecombe being poached is one I can't quite get out of my head.
Think of the size of the pan you'd need.
Exactly.
Do you think Boris Johnson really was loyal? Yes, he just did one joke about whether it is possible to be Mayor and Prime Minister at the same time and got a big laugh and said, "Joke.
Joke.
" Which is what people always say when they mean it.
Do you know what he said about UKIP? He said, "UKIP" .
.
if you want to.
Yeah, that was the joke, wasn't it? I'm not for kipping.
I'm not for kipping! He said, "UKIP if you want to" But that wasn't kipping, that was chillaxing, and there is a difference.
Apparently.
Yes, but unfortunately, the party isn't called U-chillax.
The conference then degenerated into can you answer questions about groceries? Someone else got the milk question.
Boris did.
That's it.
And Cameron was asked how much a loaf was.
Four guineas! He said, "I have a bread-maker.
" As we all do - it's Albert in the village.
How much is a bottle of milk? Well, I have a cow.
I have a cow and she goes down to the village and buys the milk.
Yeah, but, how much is a loaf of bread, Paul? Always has been and always will be.
Bread, houses, Shropshire, it's all 65p.
And Boris didn't know the answer to anything.
He said, "I know how much a bottle of champagne is.
" I'd rather that than some weaselly little journalist saying he doesn't know how much bread is.
"How much is it, mate? "How much do you put it down for on your expenses?" Well, Boris did that, he asked Jeremy Paxman how much a loaf was and Paxman said, "Well, I can't possibly answer that.
" Panic, panic.
Yes, Boris had a bit of a Newsnight knock-about with Paxman.
They were discussing Boris' rumoured return to the Commons initially.
I think this is a now super-masticated subject.
And what Well, masticate a little more.
Spit it out.
What I would rather do Spit it out.
That's public school, isn't it? One person masticates it and the other person spits it out.
Oh! But Boris and Paxman also discussed, as you say, the price of a pint of milk.
Do you even know the cost of a pint of milk? About 80p or something like that.
No, it's about 40-something p.
OK, one of those biggish ones.
This is a classic case where you're going to change the sort of milk.
I said a pint of milk.
Oh, right, a pint of milk, OK, about 40.
Well, there you go.
I don't know how much a pint of milk costs.
So what? Well, don't you think you should if you're concerned about the cost of living? How much is a loaf of bread? I'm not standing for election.
You are.
I mean, I thought he missed the killer question, for Paxman is, how much does a razor cost? You had a beard for a bit, didn't you? I remember that you said, "Do I look like a submarine captain?" What made you shave it off? Blackmail.
That's an excellent It's an intriguing answer, isn't it? Going back to Osborne, he made his announcement that you weren't going to get benefits without doing work but he said also if they're not doing community service, jobless people will have to turn up at Jobcentres.
Do you know how long for? All day.
9 to 5.
Yes.
Really? For 35 hours a week.
That's ten minutes a day to check the vacancies and 34 hours, 10 minutes of Angry Birds.
Also, there's a slight Obviously, I'm not taking sides here because I come from a culture that is quite resilient when it comes to signing on.
Most people I did it myself for two years, but during You used to be able to go to, as they called it, the labour exchange and I know culture has changed but there were window-cleaning vans outside and minicabs and people going, "Hurry up, love, I've got a fare at 8:30.
" Now, it's all been stigmatised, everyone's "spongers" and all of this.
Never mind over in the City and all that.
But people earning a few quid the other way, these days they want to make out that, you know, it's the worst possible sin of all.
And I say good luck to anyone if they run their cab down, sign on, get a few more quid and go home again.
Because making them sit there from 9 to 5, that's just that's pushing them around.
That was a party political broadcast.
I know.
On behalf of the Slightly-Dodgy-But-Quite-Nice Party.
A bit of embezzlement just shows gumption.
Embezzlement?! When I used to work at an employment office, some people didn't really think it through.
You'd get painters and decorators, in their overalls, covered in wet paint.
I know, exactly.
"I've not had a job for six weeks.
" The Tories are trying to out-Thatcher Thatcher but David Cameron obviously thought, "Oh, we're going to be called the nasty party again.
" So he slipped in this thing about social workers and how great social workers were.
He got the whole Tory conference applauding.
He said, "Can we have a round of applause "for those hard-working people, the social workers?" A lot of people going, "Who are they?" Exactly.
"Social workers? "Those are the wonderful people who organise parties?" Yes.
As has become traditional during conference season, the press were obsessed with what Theresa May was wearing.
These were her shoes.
Don't you get fed up with people? Very nicely dressed, by the way, Cathy.
Do you get upset with people going on about what women are wearing? Yeah, all the time, but can I just point out, those shoes, they were quite reasonable.
I think they were from somewhere quite cheap, but the suit is Vivienne Westwood and cost a bomb, and was worn by that model, the really beautiful one.
The beautiful model? The one who doesn't have to appear with a sack over her head? You'd never get away with that on Channel 4 News.
"Model, you know, it was that one, I can't remember her name.
"Very skinny.
Anyway, she did something" I've taken the night off, though.
Oh, you're off.
Sorry.
So it's OK.
Stupid of me.
Those shoes apparently, according to the Sun, cost ã215.
So they weren't the cheap ones.
But the suit's really expensive.
How much? Hundreds? How in touch are you? I'm not in touch with Vivienne Westwood.
Though I did get married in Vivienne Westwood, so Did you? What, inside her? Karren Brady, off of The Apprentice, was at the Tory Party conference.
Erm, what was she wearing? I mean, what was she there for? Oh, yeah.
LAUGHTER I can tell you what she was wearing.
OK, you can say.
It was one of those body-whatsit illusion dresses that makes you look half the size you are.
Yes, a bodycon dress.
Is that it? Yeah.
Yes.
I've never heard of that.
Is it good? Really good.
Yeah.
Try one next time.
I will, yeah.
Not that I'm saying you need to.
No.
Not saying I want to.
But I will.
We can have a look at Karren Brady's bodycon dress.
If you believed the bodycon there, you'd just call an ambulance, wouldn't you? Yes.
Brady was there to introduce George Osborne, do you know how she did that? George Osborne.
Bill Clinton did Tony Blair once.
Really? I mean, introduced him.
Get your wife to do it now.
That's the other thing at the conference.
I think after, after Justine's performance in the Ed Miliband show, no wife is going to do it again, are they? Anyone see that? She was told to kiss him, though.
Oh, and she has to do it?! Not even prostitutes have to kiss! APPLAUSE And there was also a spectre at the feast at the Tory conference.
Do you know who that was? Ah, Nigel Farage.
Yes.
I suppose the ghost of Margaret Thatcher was probably there.
Because she was invoked, wasn't she? Was she? They did a seance? Anyway, he turned up, didn't he? Yes, he turned up in Manchester to address a lunatic fringe - sorry, Freudian slip - a fringe meeting.
Um, here he is arriving.
Do you expect a warm welcome at the Tory conference? No.
Um, that's the spirit, Nige.
Shall we, er, have a look at a picture of Farage on the front page of The Times this week? Oh, yeah.
It's Hitler combined with a one-sided Fu Manchu.
So it shows he's multicultural.
Meanwhile, David Cameron gave an interview to The Sun on Monday this week.
He said that he can do the dance to Gangnam Style.
Urgh! Erm, a surprising number of people can do that, can't they, Cathy? Oh, God.
# Gangnam style What about C4 style? # Gangnam style, op, op # C4 style Whop, whop, whop, whop, whop # Gangnam style C4 style # Op, op, op, op O pan Gangnam style Waaay, sexy newsroom APPLAUSE Oh, God! Could we ask the question why? It was It was showing that a woman can dance in high heels and not be inhibited.
Exactly.
DANNY: Yeah.
And that was news?! But at least I wasn't twerking.
No, you weren't twerking.
It could've been much worse.
Oh, hang on, that's your editor on the phone This is the Tory Party conference held in Manchester.
An eye-catching policy announced this week is that people claiming unemployment benefit will be made to pick up litter.
This could put the people who are currently paid to pick up litter out of a job but the good news is, they will then be forced to do it for free.
George Osborne revealed during the conference: God, even THEY hate him! Ian and Cathy, take a look at this.
It's Ed Miliband trying not to listen to an Ed Balls speech? Oh, look, there's someone spying on him from The Mail.
And that's Karl Marx's grave.
This is the Labour conference, which was equally thrilling.
Stirred the Tories up.
It did.
They were very worried about it.
And they had Damian McBride's book, which was very entertaining.
I'm sure you all read it.
Apparently Blair and Brown hated each other.
Really(?) Yeah, no, it was one of those shock horror books that we all got very over-excited about.
But, unfortunately for Miliband, he was one of the gang.
So it was him and Balls and McBride who were all working for Gordon Brown, who doesn't come out well.
Yes, this was Damian McBride was hoping to upstage the conference.
Did you see him being introduced on Newsnight? Damian McBride, McPoison as he's known to his many enemies, or McPrick-Face - as he was referred to in a recent cache of Downing Street e-mails.
He's so used to being called McPrick-Face.
He also caused a fight, didn't he? Um, because he was doing an interview.
Yes, during the Labour conference in Brighton, an interview with Damian McBride didn't go entirely to plan.
I mean, I think if DOG GROWLS .
.
I've said worse things about myself in the book DOG GROWLS INTERVIEW BLURRED BY BARKS AND GROWLS APPLAUSE That's Iain Dale, who's Who is the publisher of the book! So what he was That man's a long-term protester who likes to get himself into news stories.
The publisher of this book, who hadn't been invited to the conference, was trying to get his book into a news story, started pushing the other man out.
They were both shamelessly trying to hijack the conference, so they ended up beating each other up.
The dog seemed to be biting the arse of its owner, though.
Dogs are extremely fickle.
He could see where the power shift was going.
We're going to have a look at it again.
It's amazing what the dog is doing to its owner.
"Why? Why do you make me wear these placards?!" What's been the other big story about Miliband this week? Well, this upstaged the Tory conference.
Yes.
The Daily Mail managed to not merely shoot its own foot off but sort of blow it off with a mortar.
They had a go at Miliband's father.
They ran a piece saying, "This is the man who hated Britain.
" On the evidence of one entry in a diary when he was 16, when he'd just arrived as a refugee in this country.
Before he fought for the country in the Second World War.
Yeah.
So it was the most pathetic piece.
Basically, Miliband, the Daily Mail has decided, is a Communist because he wants to freeze electricity prices and he's Mugabe because he wants developers to use the land that they have to build on.
Now, the first person to suggest that developers actually build houses on the land they own was Boris Johnson, who's a well-known Communist.
The first name's the clue.
It's a double-bluff.
He's obviously a Russian agent.
It's a double bluff! Called himself Boris, so he can't be Russian, but he is! The Daily Mail accused the father of being a committed Marxist.
But what's the point of being an uncommitted Marxist? Even if we suppose and make the leap of faith that, you know, his old man did hate Britain - my dad hated David Bowie, I think Hunky Dory's a masterpiece - it doesn't work like that.
Apparently they've played the national anthem outside the grave and the corpse hasn't stood up and saluted so therefore, you know, that's all the proof they need.
What I think will be embarrassing, the editor of the Mail, the Mail is owned by the Rothermere family.
Yeah.
And once you start saying, you know, "What did your dad do?" The current Lord Rothermere's father loved Britain so much, he went to live in France as a tax exile.
Erm, he then passed on that non-dom status to his son, who doesn't actually pay the normal amount of tax, despite owning a newspaper that's owned through various companies in Bermuda.
Erm, so, once you start doing, "I'm looking at your family," it gets embarrassing.
And I think the Rothermere family, if you want to go further back, we get to the great-grandfather who, let's join in together, ran the headline - "Hurrah for the Blackshirts".
But the Daily Mail went on to publish a full-page apology for that, didn't they? What? For the Blackshirts? Yeah.
Yeah.
No, they didn't.
Once you start throwing this stuff around, it gets embarrassing.
I think, you know, they will find that their editor is now a major embarrassment.
Yeah, gone toxic.
The figures they kept saying when he was on Newsnight, the fella they actually did put on Newsnight to be the fall guy, he said, "Oh, well, if you're going to go back 80 years," as opposed to the 75 years you're going back for Ed Miliband When he was 17.
There's a 75-year cut-off point, that's how journalism works.
I mean, I thought it was quite funny that Dacre's nickname at the Mail is Mugabe.
He's very old, he won't retire and he hates the opposition.
The ancestor, the first Viscount Rothermere, of the current owner of the Daily Mail, do you know what he had to say about Britain's enemies, the Nazis, in 1933? Open the borders.
He said: LAUGHTER AND GROANING Yes, so, ancestor bashing And it's also, apart from all the other things, Ralph Miliband's books, I read today, have had a huge increase in sales.
Parliamentary Socialism 1961, which I'm sure you've all read, today sold two copies.
Which just makes the Mail look ridiculous.
And who did Labour send in to do battle with the mail on Newsnight? Alastair Campbell.
Yes.
Which I thought was a bit unfortunate.
I don't want to be unpopular here, but if you're sending someone in to talk about making up headlines, poisoning, briefing against people, making up and exaggerating stories in dossiers, Alastair - not your man.
The thing about Alastair Campbell is, he knows that he gets angry in interviews, and I remember him once saying that when he was doing a Select Committee appearance, the only way he could stop himself getting too angry was by holding a pin in his hand and every time he felt himself getting a bit angry, he would prick himself with this pin, so I think he just didn't have the pin with him on Newsnight.
Or do you think it had gone right through his palm and out the other side? I think that would just make me angrier.
Not only am I annoyed with this person, I've really hurt my hand.
What was the subsequent development in this story? They sent a journalist or two journalists along to Miliband's uncle's memorial service to get quotes off people.
Guy's Hospital.
Guy's Hospital.
"Did you know the deceased? "(What did you think about Ed Miliband's dad?)" I know! Two rogue journalists working on their own initiative, a couple of bad apples, making the whole thing, the whole paper look bad.
Not like the one who put up a photograph of his dad's gravestone, which was an error of judgment.
Did you see how the Daily Mali, which as you all know is Daily Mali? It's all about everything to do with Mali, apparently, they tweeted that they wanted to make clear they had absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with the Daily Mail! Brilliant! Yes, the editor of The Mail On Sunday has apologised: Describing what they did as: It's important to note that he apologised on behalf of The Mail On Sunday.
The editor of The Mail On Sunday is a man called Geordie Greig, who is quite keen to get Paul Dacre's job.
Um, and has somewhat increased his chances this week.
Ed Miliband, of course, used his conference speech to position himself further to the left of politics, people say, but did you see how he appears to be growing his own Michael Goves? You can see sort of It's like a Gove farm.
On the right, that's a sort of young beginner Gove and then slightly more mature further to the left.
And then the one on the left of the picture, that's nearly finished.
DANNY: Actually looks like the world's dullest boy band, don't it? No Direction! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE And how did the old, old Labour leader Neil Kinnock make the news this week? Did he fall into the sea again? That was a big hit for him in his day.
I don't know, what did he do? He was moved from his seat at a football match for making too much noise.
He was watching Cardiff beat Fulham, but for some reason, was sitting at the Fulham end when he started celebrating a goal and I think we can imagine how that will have felt to the surrounding Fulham fans.
First away match that they'd won in the top division since 1963.
'61.
'61? 1961 was the last time Ian, stay with us, the last time Cardiff won an away game was 1961.
Did you predict this on your show? Thank you very much, of course we did.
We have two toasters who predict results.
Which I think is the way forward for getting the electorate into voting booths.
You've scrapped pundits and you have toasters.
I think if they did this in voting booths, everyone would have more fun.
You go in, there's a series of toasters, you put bread in them.
at the same time and you sit there.
You might find yourself voting BNP, but that, that is the gamble you take.
That's too big a gamble! That's too big a gamble.
The other party conferences have also been taking place.
Of course, it wouldn't be right not to show the traditional clip of what passes for a Lib Dem joke.
Now, you know how they always tell you to start your speech with a joke, and I spent some time trying to think of a tax-based joke, and I'm afraid I didn't manage to come up with one.
The best thing I can do is to say how astonished I am that we almost got through Liberal Democrats spending an hour and three quarters talking about tax without anyone mentioning land value taxation.
CATHY LAUGHS That's unfair! They're picked on the one person in the audience that wasn't laughing.
And finally, would anyone like to see the chat-up technique of Danny "fancy a brandy" Alexander? Oh, yeah.
This conference has been so busy, so many things to do.
So I haven't been up, haven't been up laterelaxing in the bar.
So, that's not a problem.
That'll come on Wednesday, maybe? Maybe tonight.
Maybe tonight? Good.
How about you? Um LAUGHTER Whenever I see him, I think of the Cairngorms National Park because he was Cairngorms National Park press officer, wasn't he? And that's how he'll always remain for me.
Who was he talking to there? It wasn't you? No! That's actionable! CATHY: It is really, isn't it? He's talking to a correspondent, asking them for a brandy.
Were you there? I laugh it off, but inside, that hurt.
I didn't know he was the press officer for the Cairngorms National Park.
I hope I've got that right.
Check your facts.
"This is Channel 4.
Yeah, Cairngorms "Check your facts.
Probably "I think he's shagging that model who's the one I can't" "That's all we've got from Channel 4 News tonight.
"Might be true, might be not.
" Yes, this is the Labour Party Conference and the Daily Mail's character assassination of Marxist historian Ralph Miliband, who they described as: For legal reasons, we can't make any derogatory comments about Daily Mail editor Paul Dacre, but apparently his dad's an arsehole.
Sorry, sorry, sorry, WAS an arsehole! After it was revealed that The Mail On Sunday had sent an undercover reporter to his late uncle's memorial event, they apologised to Ed Miliband for the gross invasion of his privacy, in a letter they slipped under his bathroom door while he was on the loo.
Education Secretary Michael Gove is one of the few people to defend the Daily Mail, saying that political commentators should always have: I couldn't agree more, you four-eyed reptilian toss pot.
APPLAUSE And now it's time to play The Wheel Of News Or Not News.
I'll spin the wheel and you have to identify the story and tell me if it's news or not news.
Cathy, all you have to think is, would we do this on Channel 4 News? And if the answer's yes, you'll know it could be either.
So, let's spin the wheel.
DRUM ROLL BUZZER Not news.
It's, um Well, what's the story? There isn't a story - it's not news.
It's a policeman giving Iain Duncan Smith a head massage.
Clairvoyant police? It IS clairvoyant police.
And it's The police are going to be able to predict crimes before they happen.
Ah! They'll be like Tom Cruise in Minority Report, only taller.
And do you have any idea how they're going to do this? No.
No.
You think I'm making it up? No, not making it up.
I think you're reading out something that somebody else has made up.
Well, according to pre-crime Commander Simon Letchford Pre-crime? Pre-crime.
Which has already identified the county of Midsomer.
Sounds absolutely ridiculous.
Someone has just They put on the map where someone has just stolen something.
By definition, there is now less to steal there, and so the chances of a burglary there MUST be reduced.
It's all gone.
OK, that makes some sense, yes, it does.
No, it doesn't, it's just nonsense.
In other crime news, what did this man do wrong? Is it the glasses or the suit? I'll give you a clue.
Onions.
Pretended to be an onion? That wouldn't get you very far.
It's not a crime.
No.
Should be.
The onions made him cry, so he put his glasses on.
That would be pretty thin for a news story - Man Cries Because Of Onion.
You don't know, do you? No.
He stole from Sainsbury's by fooling the self-service scanner into thinking more expensive items were loose onions.
Did I say onion earlier without having any idea what this story was about? I did, didn't I? I said he pretended to be an onion.
I gave you the clue "onion".
Oh, did you? I heard it somewhere, I just wasn't listening.
That's clairvoyance.
I thought I was better than I was.
They got onto him because That's the end of Crime Today.
This is the news of police plans to predict crimes before they happen.
Will it work? It already has - in two years' time.
Enjoy that one on Dave during the riots.
The technique of identifying and arresting potential criminals before they commit a crime is based on a method developed by the Metropolitan Police known as institutional racism.
APPLAUSE Give it another spin.
DRUM ROLL BUZZER Yes, Bridget Jones' Diary is coming out - this is news or not news - and the hero of the previous books is no longer with us.
It started off in a Sunday newspaper who, not coincidently, had paid for the serialisation of the book.
So the fact that they thought it was news may be due to the fact that they paid a great deal of money for it.
And then it appears on this programme along with a stupid pre-crime report.
Who killed Mark Darcy? I expect you already know! LAUGHTER I've got an idea.
If we got ourselves a gallon of petrol, we could set fire to The Wheel Of News.
How much is a litre of petrol? Everything's 65p.
You're right, this is not news.
This is the not news that an author has got a book out, but that didn't stop it being a story on the BBC 10 O'clock News.
We didn't cover that one, but actually, there is a sort of poignant little twist to this, which is that Helen Fielding, her dad was tragically killed in a car crash when she was 24, and so apparently that's why there is this sort of poignancy to her writing.
But that was 25 years ago.
That's quite heartless, actually.
Well, you know, my dad was killed 30 years ago.
Well, he died, actually, but is that a reason for getting a book plug out? Mum died as well.
I'm an orphan! You know what? Three years ago, three years ago yesterday, I was diagnosed with cancer, and that bloke up there ain't laughed at what I said once.
There's nothing like mentioning cancer to get people laughing.
You know what? Hey! Everybody, I'm here, and I lost three and a half stone.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE I thought it was just your bodycon shirt.
But no, you're quite right.
On Channel 4 News, you stuck to the big news like this I saw a man with a fan in the basket of his bicycle in Westminster today.
That's a sign of the times.
That's Channel 4 News.
He might as well go, "I'll tell you what, "my garden is really the lawn.
It's terrible.
That's Channel 4 News.
" "Getting stuff up to the attic is really tricky.
"That's Channel 4 News.
" Next spin.
DRUM ROLL BUZZER RIP Mark Darcy's a fictional character.
No, no.
I deftly nudged it back with my hand.
Pilots are asleep.
Pilots are asleep.
Next.
You're right, it's pilots are asleep.
Next.
Is that news or not news? Not news.
News.
I think it's news.
It's big news.
These jumbo jets fix into a beam and land automatically.
You don't actually need a pilot on board.
They sometimes land them manually just to keep their hand in.
Yes, but who's going to say, "Hello, this is Captain Collymore" Captain Collymore would say that.
So he doesn't need to fly it? He doesn't need anybody else.
Do we know any specific airlines where this has been a problem? The ones that have pilots.
That rules out Ryanair No, it doesn't, because he'll sue.
He's very touchy, Ryanair.
Very touchy if you suggest no-frills has gone a bit far.
I went on a Ryanair plane and I hadn't put my things in one of those plastic bags and they said, "Would you like a plastic bag?" I said, "Yeah.
" I put my toothpaste in and they said, "That'll be a quid.
" Isn't that shocking? That's news! They also said now you have to have correct change for the oxygen masks.
Oh! According to The Times, both pilots on a Virgin Atlantic flight from Orlando to Manchester last month fell asleep at the controls of their Airbus A330.
In the Virgin pilots' defence, they were probably taking pills to erase this image.
You can see why he's a virgin.
If I was one of the cabin crew, I'd play a joke on one of the sleeping pilots.
First I'd light some paper under his nose, clash two dustbins and throw a bucket of water over him.
So in his sleepiness, he'd assume he's crashed into the sea.
Oh, imagine the larks! Get a printer, and get a really big picture of the face of Big Ben and put it on the windscreen for when he wakes up.
And the last spin.
DRUM ROLL BUZZER Ooh! It's a fictional character.
Oh, no, no, no.
America's gone bankrupt because it's a fictional character that's been killed off.
And it's all closed.
Republicans and Democrats can't agree on the budget.
And is that news or not news? DANNY: Oh, it's news.
The Republicans can't agree the fact that they lost.
Yeah.
They lost the election and they lost this vote repeatedly but the Tea Party, which is a sort of UKIP with guns, um .
.
have decided that basically, they don't care.
Um, America, home of democracy, vote goes the wrong way, you refuse to accept it.
So they've basically said, "No, we're not going to agree.
" So they would literally rather America close down than a very, very minor and not very radical change is made to public health care.
There are 800,000 federal workers who've been forced to take unpaid leave.
According to the Guardian: An idea they got from BT.
APPLAUSE And the international consequences? It could send the rest of the world's economy plunging over a cliff again.
They're almost too severe to comprehend, though this man's story will give you some idea of the torment this is causing.
Already actually sent a text to my mate at home, saying, "Just about to go to the Statue of Liberty for my birthday," and obviously now, I need to text him to say I'm not going, so yeah, bit of a disappointment.
How much is a text? From America? A pint of text.
This is the news that America has closed until further notice.
If your enquiry is urgent, please contact Canada.
Time now for the Odd One Out round.
One between you this week.
Your four are SpongeBob SquarePants, Sally Bercow, Walter Tell and Carmen Miranda.
BUZZER Three! CATHY: Sally Bercow - fruitcake? No, she was caught.
This I'm sure I saw this on Channel 4 News.
This was big.
She was at one of the conferences balancing some item of fruit on her head in a bar.
Yes, that's correct.
Walter Tell, son of William, balanced an apple on his head and had it shot off by his father.
Carmen Miranda had a whole bowl of fruit on her head.
Fantastic, and sang Yes, We Have No Bananas.
SpongeBob SquarePants He's quite a guy.
Bob is the odd one out.
Is it because he he's got a friend called Patrick? And he's the odd one out because nobody else knows anybody called Patrick.
Where does SpongeBob live? Under the sea.
In a pineapple.
Yes, but also, under? A pineapple.
Yes! APPLAUSE Hello! Is there an echo? Did you say it? Is there an echo? Did you say under a pineapple first? There was a little echo over that side.
You know what? Let them have it.
Proper chairman, and God love you, Humph, would have said by now, "I'm going to award points to both sides.
" But I can't say it now.
How spineless would I look? Yes, SpongeBob SquarePants is the odd one out.
How would you describe his voice, Ian? Er, rough, manly.
Touch of Lord Hailsham.
Well, Tom Kenny, the man behind the distinctive voice, describes it as Which is also a starter at Heston Blumenthal's.
And, um, can you name any of Carmen Miranda's hits? Yes.
BOTH: # I, I, I, I like you very much.
# # Down among Brazilians coffee beans go by the millions # And they got a lot of coffee there to sell There's an awful lot of coffee in Brazil.
At last! The show's coming to life! Carmen Miranda cracked America, but her English wasn't great.
She told one magazine: She went on to teach Nancy Dell'Olio how to speak English.
Yes, they've all had fruit on their heads apart from SpongeBob SquarePants, who lives under a pineapple in a fun town under the sea.
Sort of like Blackpool will be once all the fracking starts.
According to the Daily Mail, late one night at the Labour Party Conference, Sally Bercow .
.
tried to balance a pineapple on her head.
"I really regret this embarrassing incident "and I'm just grateful I wasn't caught on camera looking so stupid," said the pineapple.
Time now for the Missing Words round, which this week features as its guest publication Fantastic.
Perfect if you fancy a short circuit round the lake.
GROANING As electric boat puns, that's fairly high up.
I thought that was pretty good.
And we start with One of the rounds on Bake Off.
Do you think you could just add boiling water and he'll come back? The process reduces the body to powder, and has been pioneered by a company called: Whose slogan proudly states, "We're the people who put the gran into granules.
" Next: CATHY: Dancing Gangnam Style.
Paul Hollywood.
How would Paul Hollywood give people wobbly bottoms? Out of just sort of quivering with desire? The answer is simply! According to the Express And I Love My Country has topped a list of shows that make you want to drink more.
Next: Enchanted with electric boat.
It is an electric boat.
Oh, is it? MC Arse Admiral.
I quite like that.
Round here I'm known as the Arse Admiral.
Because of what I can navigate.
No, the answer is: There was a real buzz when that happened, but mainly because he'd wired up his boat incorrectly.
Next: Pulls plug on political career as he admits that he's going to spend more time with his 16-year-old friends.
Spend more time in jail! CATHY: On attempt to topple the government.
Yes, quite right, news.
News.
Let's get back to news.
You're absolutely right.
It is: As his political career draws to a close, the one thing Berlusconi is desperately hoping for is immunity.
Not just from prosecution, but also from every known sexually transmitted disease.
And finally: DANNY: Eating yellow snow? No.
GROANING This, erm Is that a big problem in Iceland? Well, I imagine There's not many of them there.
I imagine it's a smaller gene pool than in other countries.
It is dark a lot of the time, too.
This is an app which tells you if your date is a relative.
All you have to do is just press a button and Bob's your uncle.
Sodon't have sex with him! APPLAUSE So, the final scores are: Paul and Danny have six points but Ian and Cathy have seven.
Yeah! Yeah! APPLAUSE And I leave you with news that in a bid to combat accusations of ageism, the BBC re-employ Percy Thrower on Gardeners' World.
At the studios of Sky TV, as the set is constructed for his new Politics Show, Adam Boulton is about to regret naming the programme Talk It Through.
And And following the split in the Church of England over same-sex marriage, the Synod meets to discuss an even more controversial proposal.
Good night.
APPLAUSE
Welcome to Have I Got News For You.
I'm David Mitchell.
In the news this week While Miley Cyrus is out at the VMA Awards, her dog is back at home watching her performance on TV.
In Farnborough, the MOD proudly unveils the ã60 billion replacement for the Harrier Jump Jet.
And as officers from Operation Yewtree move in to arrest one of the stars of Play School, he makes a desperate, last-minute bid for freedom.
On Ian's team tonight is the presenter on Channel 4 News who claims that she reads every national newspaper every day.
As does Ian! So you can see how useful that is for THIS show.
Please welcome Cathy Newman.
APPLAUSE And with Paul tonight is a writer and presenter who is currently hosting a show on BT Sport, although we only have his word for that.
LAUGHTER Please welcome Danny Baker.
Thank you.
APPLAUSE And we start with the bigger stories of the week.
Paul and Danny, have a look at this.
Ah, yes, obviously, Conservative Party Conference.
There's the Prime Minister and his lovely wife.
And there's Osborne trying to get blood from a stone.
Yeah.
There's, uh, ooh What's his face doing? I don't know.
It's very odd, isn't it? Ah, look, I believe Mia Farrow says, "It's your son.
" Yes.
So this is the Conservatives have been having their conference and Boris has been speaking, I think.
Yes.
Osborne made a major announcement at the Tory Party conference.
About his haircut? Did Did he? Well, he had a comb-over.
Yes.
He's ending the recession, isn't he? Do you remember? He's literally combing over the recession? Hiding the recession.
It's still there, but he's hiding it.
No, that's not the announcement I meant.
LAUGHTER Is this the return of the workhouse? That's the announcement I meant.
Yes.
It's part of the buy-your-house, except you don't know if it's going to be a big one where you make rope.
LAUGHTER People have to go to the Jobcentre every day to register the fact that they're still unemployed? Yes.
Precisely.
He said the jobless are to be required to work for their benefits by, for example, picking up litter.
Here's how it went down in the hall.
It used to be a lot more entertaining - and I'm not suggesting they should do a Strictly Tory Party conference.
They used to tell jokes and sing songs.
They did.
People who couldn't tell jokes would do, it was extraordinary.
My dad used to say, "Ooh, it was a lot of fun.
" Like the X Factor.
The best acts have been stolen.
Ann Widdecombe went to Strictly.
I know.
You know, got poached.
The idea of Ann Widdecombe being poached is one I can't quite get out of my head.
Think of the size of the pan you'd need.
Exactly.
Do you think Boris Johnson really was loyal? Yes, he just did one joke about whether it is possible to be Mayor and Prime Minister at the same time and got a big laugh and said, "Joke.
Joke.
" Which is what people always say when they mean it.
Do you know what he said about UKIP? He said, "UKIP" .
.
if you want to.
Yeah, that was the joke, wasn't it? I'm not for kipping.
I'm not for kipping! He said, "UKIP if you want to" But that wasn't kipping, that was chillaxing, and there is a difference.
Apparently.
Yes, but unfortunately, the party isn't called U-chillax.
The conference then degenerated into can you answer questions about groceries? Someone else got the milk question.
Boris did.
That's it.
And Cameron was asked how much a loaf was.
Four guineas! He said, "I have a bread-maker.
" As we all do - it's Albert in the village.
How much is a bottle of milk? Well, I have a cow.
I have a cow and she goes down to the village and buys the milk.
Yeah, but, how much is a loaf of bread, Paul? Always has been and always will be.
Bread, houses, Shropshire, it's all 65p.
And Boris didn't know the answer to anything.
He said, "I know how much a bottle of champagne is.
" I'd rather that than some weaselly little journalist saying he doesn't know how much bread is.
"How much is it, mate? "How much do you put it down for on your expenses?" Well, Boris did that, he asked Jeremy Paxman how much a loaf was and Paxman said, "Well, I can't possibly answer that.
" Panic, panic.
Yes, Boris had a bit of a Newsnight knock-about with Paxman.
They were discussing Boris' rumoured return to the Commons initially.
I think this is a now super-masticated subject.
And what Well, masticate a little more.
Spit it out.
What I would rather do Spit it out.
That's public school, isn't it? One person masticates it and the other person spits it out.
Oh! But Boris and Paxman also discussed, as you say, the price of a pint of milk.
Do you even know the cost of a pint of milk? About 80p or something like that.
No, it's about 40-something p.
OK, one of those biggish ones.
This is a classic case where you're going to change the sort of milk.
I said a pint of milk.
Oh, right, a pint of milk, OK, about 40.
Well, there you go.
I don't know how much a pint of milk costs.
So what? Well, don't you think you should if you're concerned about the cost of living? How much is a loaf of bread? I'm not standing for election.
You are.
I mean, I thought he missed the killer question, for Paxman is, how much does a razor cost? You had a beard for a bit, didn't you? I remember that you said, "Do I look like a submarine captain?" What made you shave it off? Blackmail.
That's an excellent It's an intriguing answer, isn't it? Going back to Osborne, he made his announcement that you weren't going to get benefits without doing work but he said also if they're not doing community service, jobless people will have to turn up at Jobcentres.
Do you know how long for? All day.
9 to 5.
Yes.
Really? For 35 hours a week.
That's ten minutes a day to check the vacancies and 34 hours, 10 minutes of Angry Birds.
Also, there's a slight Obviously, I'm not taking sides here because I come from a culture that is quite resilient when it comes to signing on.
Most people I did it myself for two years, but during You used to be able to go to, as they called it, the labour exchange and I know culture has changed but there were window-cleaning vans outside and minicabs and people going, "Hurry up, love, I've got a fare at 8:30.
" Now, it's all been stigmatised, everyone's "spongers" and all of this.
Never mind over in the City and all that.
But people earning a few quid the other way, these days they want to make out that, you know, it's the worst possible sin of all.
And I say good luck to anyone if they run their cab down, sign on, get a few more quid and go home again.
Because making them sit there from 9 to 5, that's just that's pushing them around.
That was a party political broadcast.
I know.
On behalf of the Slightly-Dodgy-But-Quite-Nice Party.
A bit of embezzlement just shows gumption.
Embezzlement?! When I used to work at an employment office, some people didn't really think it through.
You'd get painters and decorators, in their overalls, covered in wet paint.
I know, exactly.
"I've not had a job for six weeks.
" The Tories are trying to out-Thatcher Thatcher but David Cameron obviously thought, "Oh, we're going to be called the nasty party again.
" So he slipped in this thing about social workers and how great social workers were.
He got the whole Tory conference applauding.
He said, "Can we have a round of applause "for those hard-working people, the social workers?" A lot of people going, "Who are they?" Exactly.
"Social workers? "Those are the wonderful people who organise parties?" Yes.
As has become traditional during conference season, the press were obsessed with what Theresa May was wearing.
These were her shoes.
Don't you get fed up with people? Very nicely dressed, by the way, Cathy.
Do you get upset with people going on about what women are wearing? Yeah, all the time, but can I just point out, those shoes, they were quite reasonable.
I think they were from somewhere quite cheap, but the suit is Vivienne Westwood and cost a bomb, and was worn by that model, the really beautiful one.
The beautiful model? The one who doesn't have to appear with a sack over her head? You'd never get away with that on Channel 4 News.
"Model, you know, it was that one, I can't remember her name.
"Very skinny.
Anyway, she did something" I've taken the night off, though.
Oh, you're off.
Sorry.
So it's OK.
Stupid of me.
Those shoes apparently, according to the Sun, cost ã215.
So they weren't the cheap ones.
But the suit's really expensive.
How much? Hundreds? How in touch are you? I'm not in touch with Vivienne Westwood.
Though I did get married in Vivienne Westwood, so Did you? What, inside her? Karren Brady, off of The Apprentice, was at the Tory Party conference.
Erm, what was she wearing? I mean, what was she there for? Oh, yeah.
LAUGHTER I can tell you what she was wearing.
OK, you can say.
It was one of those body-whatsit illusion dresses that makes you look half the size you are.
Yes, a bodycon dress.
Is that it? Yeah.
Yes.
I've never heard of that.
Is it good? Really good.
Yeah.
Try one next time.
I will, yeah.
Not that I'm saying you need to.
No.
Not saying I want to.
But I will.
We can have a look at Karren Brady's bodycon dress.
If you believed the bodycon there, you'd just call an ambulance, wouldn't you? Yes.
Brady was there to introduce George Osborne, do you know how she did that? George Osborne.
Bill Clinton did Tony Blair once.
Really? I mean, introduced him.
Get your wife to do it now.
That's the other thing at the conference.
I think after, after Justine's performance in the Ed Miliband show, no wife is going to do it again, are they? Anyone see that? She was told to kiss him, though.
Oh, and she has to do it?! Not even prostitutes have to kiss! APPLAUSE And there was also a spectre at the feast at the Tory conference.
Do you know who that was? Ah, Nigel Farage.
Yes.
I suppose the ghost of Margaret Thatcher was probably there.
Because she was invoked, wasn't she? Was she? They did a seance? Anyway, he turned up, didn't he? Yes, he turned up in Manchester to address a lunatic fringe - sorry, Freudian slip - a fringe meeting.
Um, here he is arriving.
Do you expect a warm welcome at the Tory conference? No.
Um, that's the spirit, Nige.
Shall we, er, have a look at a picture of Farage on the front page of The Times this week? Oh, yeah.
It's Hitler combined with a one-sided Fu Manchu.
So it shows he's multicultural.
Meanwhile, David Cameron gave an interview to The Sun on Monday this week.
He said that he can do the dance to Gangnam Style.
Urgh! Erm, a surprising number of people can do that, can't they, Cathy? Oh, God.
# Gangnam style What about C4 style? # Gangnam style, op, op # C4 style Whop, whop, whop, whop, whop # Gangnam style C4 style # Op, op, op, op O pan Gangnam style Waaay, sexy newsroom APPLAUSE Oh, God! Could we ask the question why? It was It was showing that a woman can dance in high heels and not be inhibited.
Exactly.
DANNY: Yeah.
And that was news?! But at least I wasn't twerking.
No, you weren't twerking.
It could've been much worse.
Oh, hang on, that's your editor on the phone This is the Tory Party conference held in Manchester.
An eye-catching policy announced this week is that people claiming unemployment benefit will be made to pick up litter.
This could put the people who are currently paid to pick up litter out of a job but the good news is, they will then be forced to do it for free.
George Osborne revealed during the conference: God, even THEY hate him! Ian and Cathy, take a look at this.
It's Ed Miliband trying not to listen to an Ed Balls speech? Oh, look, there's someone spying on him from The Mail.
And that's Karl Marx's grave.
This is the Labour conference, which was equally thrilling.
Stirred the Tories up.
It did.
They were very worried about it.
And they had Damian McBride's book, which was very entertaining.
I'm sure you all read it.
Apparently Blair and Brown hated each other.
Really(?) Yeah, no, it was one of those shock horror books that we all got very over-excited about.
But, unfortunately for Miliband, he was one of the gang.
So it was him and Balls and McBride who were all working for Gordon Brown, who doesn't come out well.
Yes, this was Damian McBride was hoping to upstage the conference.
Did you see him being introduced on Newsnight? Damian McBride, McPoison as he's known to his many enemies, or McPrick-Face - as he was referred to in a recent cache of Downing Street e-mails.
He's so used to being called McPrick-Face.
He also caused a fight, didn't he? Um, because he was doing an interview.
Yes, during the Labour conference in Brighton, an interview with Damian McBride didn't go entirely to plan.
I mean, I think if DOG GROWLS .
.
I've said worse things about myself in the book DOG GROWLS INTERVIEW BLURRED BY BARKS AND GROWLS APPLAUSE That's Iain Dale, who's Who is the publisher of the book! So what he was That man's a long-term protester who likes to get himself into news stories.
The publisher of this book, who hadn't been invited to the conference, was trying to get his book into a news story, started pushing the other man out.
They were both shamelessly trying to hijack the conference, so they ended up beating each other up.
The dog seemed to be biting the arse of its owner, though.
Dogs are extremely fickle.
He could see where the power shift was going.
We're going to have a look at it again.
It's amazing what the dog is doing to its owner.
"Why? Why do you make me wear these placards?!" What's been the other big story about Miliband this week? Well, this upstaged the Tory conference.
Yes.
The Daily Mail managed to not merely shoot its own foot off but sort of blow it off with a mortar.
They had a go at Miliband's father.
They ran a piece saying, "This is the man who hated Britain.
" On the evidence of one entry in a diary when he was 16, when he'd just arrived as a refugee in this country.
Before he fought for the country in the Second World War.
Yeah.
So it was the most pathetic piece.
Basically, Miliband, the Daily Mail has decided, is a Communist because he wants to freeze electricity prices and he's Mugabe because he wants developers to use the land that they have to build on.
Now, the first person to suggest that developers actually build houses on the land they own was Boris Johnson, who's a well-known Communist.
The first name's the clue.
It's a double-bluff.
He's obviously a Russian agent.
It's a double bluff! Called himself Boris, so he can't be Russian, but he is! The Daily Mail accused the father of being a committed Marxist.
But what's the point of being an uncommitted Marxist? Even if we suppose and make the leap of faith that, you know, his old man did hate Britain - my dad hated David Bowie, I think Hunky Dory's a masterpiece - it doesn't work like that.
Apparently they've played the national anthem outside the grave and the corpse hasn't stood up and saluted so therefore, you know, that's all the proof they need.
What I think will be embarrassing, the editor of the Mail, the Mail is owned by the Rothermere family.
Yeah.
And once you start saying, you know, "What did your dad do?" The current Lord Rothermere's father loved Britain so much, he went to live in France as a tax exile.
Erm, he then passed on that non-dom status to his son, who doesn't actually pay the normal amount of tax, despite owning a newspaper that's owned through various companies in Bermuda.
Erm, so, once you start doing, "I'm looking at your family," it gets embarrassing.
And I think the Rothermere family, if you want to go further back, we get to the great-grandfather who, let's join in together, ran the headline - "Hurrah for the Blackshirts".
But the Daily Mail went on to publish a full-page apology for that, didn't they? What? For the Blackshirts? Yeah.
Yeah.
No, they didn't.
Once you start throwing this stuff around, it gets embarrassing.
I think, you know, they will find that their editor is now a major embarrassment.
Yeah, gone toxic.
The figures they kept saying when he was on Newsnight, the fella they actually did put on Newsnight to be the fall guy, he said, "Oh, well, if you're going to go back 80 years," as opposed to the 75 years you're going back for Ed Miliband When he was 17.
There's a 75-year cut-off point, that's how journalism works.
I mean, I thought it was quite funny that Dacre's nickname at the Mail is Mugabe.
He's very old, he won't retire and he hates the opposition.
The ancestor, the first Viscount Rothermere, of the current owner of the Daily Mail, do you know what he had to say about Britain's enemies, the Nazis, in 1933? Open the borders.
He said: LAUGHTER AND GROANING Yes, so, ancestor bashing And it's also, apart from all the other things, Ralph Miliband's books, I read today, have had a huge increase in sales.
Parliamentary Socialism 1961, which I'm sure you've all read, today sold two copies.
Which just makes the Mail look ridiculous.
And who did Labour send in to do battle with the mail on Newsnight? Alastair Campbell.
Yes.
Which I thought was a bit unfortunate.
I don't want to be unpopular here, but if you're sending someone in to talk about making up headlines, poisoning, briefing against people, making up and exaggerating stories in dossiers, Alastair - not your man.
The thing about Alastair Campbell is, he knows that he gets angry in interviews, and I remember him once saying that when he was doing a Select Committee appearance, the only way he could stop himself getting too angry was by holding a pin in his hand and every time he felt himself getting a bit angry, he would prick himself with this pin, so I think he just didn't have the pin with him on Newsnight.
Or do you think it had gone right through his palm and out the other side? I think that would just make me angrier.
Not only am I annoyed with this person, I've really hurt my hand.
What was the subsequent development in this story? They sent a journalist or two journalists along to Miliband's uncle's memorial service to get quotes off people.
Guy's Hospital.
Guy's Hospital.
"Did you know the deceased? "(What did you think about Ed Miliband's dad?)" I know! Two rogue journalists working on their own initiative, a couple of bad apples, making the whole thing, the whole paper look bad.
Not like the one who put up a photograph of his dad's gravestone, which was an error of judgment.
Did you see how the Daily Mali, which as you all know is Daily Mali? It's all about everything to do with Mali, apparently, they tweeted that they wanted to make clear they had absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with the Daily Mail! Brilliant! Yes, the editor of The Mail On Sunday has apologised: Describing what they did as: It's important to note that he apologised on behalf of The Mail On Sunday.
The editor of The Mail On Sunday is a man called Geordie Greig, who is quite keen to get Paul Dacre's job.
Um, and has somewhat increased his chances this week.
Ed Miliband, of course, used his conference speech to position himself further to the left of politics, people say, but did you see how he appears to be growing his own Michael Goves? You can see sort of It's like a Gove farm.
On the right, that's a sort of young beginner Gove and then slightly more mature further to the left.
And then the one on the left of the picture, that's nearly finished.
DANNY: Actually looks like the world's dullest boy band, don't it? No Direction! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE And how did the old, old Labour leader Neil Kinnock make the news this week? Did he fall into the sea again? That was a big hit for him in his day.
I don't know, what did he do? He was moved from his seat at a football match for making too much noise.
He was watching Cardiff beat Fulham, but for some reason, was sitting at the Fulham end when he started celebrating a goal and I think we can imagine how that will have felt to the surrounding Fulham fans.
First away match that they'd won in the top division since 1963.
'61.
'61? 1961 was the last time Ian, stay with us, the last time Cardiff won an away game was 1961.
Did you predict this on your show? Thank you very much, of course we did.
We have two toasters who predict results.
Which I think is the way forward for getting the electorate into voting booths.
You've scrapped pundits and you have toasters.
I think if they did this in voting booths, everyone would have more fun.
You go in, there's a series of toasters, you put bread in them.
at the same time and you sit there.
You might find yourself voting BNP, but that, that is the gamble you take.
That's too big a gamble! That's too big a gamble.
The other party conferences have also been taking place.
Of course, it wouldn't be right not to show the traditional clip of what passes for a Lib Dem joke.
Now, you know how they always tell you to start your speech with a joke, and I spent some time trying to think of a tax-based joke, and I'm afraid I didn't manage to come up with one.
The best thing I can do is to say how astonished I am that we almost got through Liberal Democrats spending an hour and three quarters talking about tax without anyone mentioning land value taxation.
CATHY LAUGHS That's unfair! They're picked on the one person in the audience that wasn't laughing.
And finally, would anyone like to see the chat-up technique of Danny "fancy a brandy" Alexander? Oh, yeah.
This conference has been so busy, so many things to do.
So I haven't been up, haven't been up laterelaxing in the bar.
So, that's not a problem.
That'll come on Wednesday, maybe? Maybe tonight.
Maybe tonight? Good.
How about you? Um LAUGHTER Whenever I see him, I think of the Cairngorms National Park because he was Cairngorms National Park press officer, wasn't he? And that's how he'll always remain for me.
Who was he talking to there? It wasn't you? No! That's actionable! CATHY: It is really, isn't it? He's talking to a correspondent, asking them for a brandy.
Were you there? I laugh it off, but inside, that hurt.
I didn't know he was the press officer for the Cairngorms National Park.
I hope I've got that right.
Check your facts.
"This is Channel 4.
Yeah, Cairngorms "Check your facts.
Probably "I think he's shagging that model who's the one I can't" "That's all we've got from Channel 4 News tonight.
"Might be true, might be not.
" Yes, this is the Labour Party Conference and the Daily Mail's character assassination of Marxist historian Ralph Miliband, who they described as: For legal reasons, we can't make any derogatory comments about Daily Mail editor Paul Dacre, but apparently his dad's an arsehole.
Sorry, sorry, sorry, WAS an arsehole! After it was revealed that The Mail On Sunday had sent an undercover reporter to his late uncle's memorial event, they apologised to Ed Miliband for the gross invasion of his privacy, in a letter they slipped under his bathroom door while he was on the loo.
Education Secretary Michael Gove is one of the few people to defend the Daily Mail, saying that political commentators should always have: I couldn't agree more, you four-eyed reptilian toss pot.
APPLAUSE And now it's time to play The Wheel Of News Or Not News.
I'll spin the wheel and you have to identify the story and tell me if it's news or not news.
Cathy, all you have to think is, would we do this on Channel 4 News? And if the answer's yes, you'll know it could be either.
So, let's spin the wheel.
DRUM ROLL BUZZER Not news.
It's, um Well, what's the story? There isn't a story - it's not news.
It's a policeman giving Iain Duncan Smith a head massage.
Clairvoyant police? It IS clairvoyant police.
And it's The police are going to be able to predict crimes before they happen.
Ah! They'll be like Tom Cruise in Minority Report, only taller.
And do you have any idea how they're going to do this? No.
No.
You think I'm making it up? No, not making it up.
I think you're reading out something that somebody else has made up.
Well, according to pre-crime Commander Simon Letchford Pre-crime? Pre-crime.
Which has already identified the county of Midsomer.
Sounds absolutely ridiculous.
Someone has just They put on the map where someone has just stolen something.
By definition, there is now less to steal there, and so the chances of a burglary there MUST be reduced.
It's all gone.
OK, that makes some sense, yes, it does.
No, it doesn't, it's just nonsense.
In other crime news, what did this man do wrong? Is it the glasses or the suit? I'll give you a clue.
Onions.
Pretended to be an onion? That wouldn't get you very far.
It's not a crime.
No.
Should be.
The onions made him cry, so he put his glasses on.
That would be pretty thin for a news story - Man Cries Because Of Onion.
You don't know, do you? No.
He stole from Sainsbury's by fooling the self-service scanner into thinking more expensive items were loose onions.
Did I say onion earlier without having any idea what this story was about? I did, didn't I? I said he pretended to be an onion.
I gave you the clue "onion".
Oh, did you? I heard it somewhere, I just wasn't listening.
That's clairvoyance.
I thought I was better than I was.
They got onto him because That's the end of Crime Today.
This is the news of police plans to predict crimes before they happen.
Will it work? It already has - in two years' time.
Enjoy that one on Dave during the riots.
The technique of identifying and arresting potential criminals before they commit a crime is based on a method developed by the Metropolitan Police known as institutional racism.
APPLAUSE Give it another spin.
DRUM ROLL BUZZER Yes, Bridget Jones' Diary is coming out - this is news or not news - and the hero of the previous books is no longer with us.
It started off in a Sunday newspaper who, not coincidently, had paid for the serialisation of the book.
So the fact that they thought it was news may be due to the fact that they paid a great deal of money for it.
And then it appears on this programme along with a stupid pre-crime report.
Who killed Mark Darcy? I expect you already know! LAUGHTER I've got an idea.
If we got ourselves a gallon of petrol, we could set fire to The Wheel Of News.
How much is a litre of petrol? Everything's 65p.
You're right, this is not news.
This is the not news that an author has got a book out, but that didn't stop it being a story on the BBC 10 O'clock News.
We didn't cover that one, but actually, there is a sort of poignant little twist to this, which is that Helen Fielding, her dad was tragically killed in a car crash when she was 24, and so apparently that's why there is this sort of poignancy to her writing.
But that was 25 years ago.
That's quite heartless, actually.
Well, you know, my dad was killed 30 years ago.
Well, he died, actually, but is that a reason for getting a book plug out? Mum died as well.
I'm an orphan! You know what? Three years ago, three years ago yesterday, I was diagnosed with cancer, and that bloke up there ain't laughed at what I said once.
There's nothing like mentioning cancer to get people laughing.
You know what? Hey! Everybody, I'm here, and I lost three and a half stone.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE I thought it was just your bodycon shirt.
But no, you're quite right.
On Channel 4 News, you stuck to the big news like this I saw a man with a fan in the basket of his bicycle in Westminster today.
That's a sign of the times.
That's Channel 4 News.
He might as well go, "I'll tell you what, "my garden is really the lawn.
It's terrible.
That's Channel 4 News.
" "Getting stuff up to the attic is really tricky.
"That's Channel 4 News.
" Next spin.
DRUM ROLL BUZZER RIP Mark Darcy's a fictional character.
No, no.
I deftly nudged it back with my hand.
Pilots are asleep.
Pilots are asleep.
Next.
You're right, it's pilots are asleep.
Next.
Is that news or not news? Not news.
News.
I think it's news.
It's big news.
These jumbo jets fix into a beam and land automatically.
You don't actually need a pilot on board.
They sometimes land them manually just to keep their hand in.
Yes, but who's going to say, "Hello, this is Captain Collymore" Captain Collymore would say that.
So he doesn't need to fly it? He doesn't need anybody else.
Do we know any specific airlines where this has been a problem? The ones that have pilots.
That rules out Ryanair No, it doesn't, because he'll sue.
He's very touchy, Ryanair.
Very touchy if you suggest no-frills has gone a bit far.
I went on a Ryanair plane and I hadn't put my things in one of those plastic bags and they said, "Would you like a plastic bag?" I said, "Yeah.
" I put my toothpaste in and they said, "That'll be a quid.
" Isn't that shocking? That's news! They also said now you have to have correct change for the oxygen masks.
Oh! According to The Times, both pilots on a Virgin Atlantic flight from Orlando to Manchester last month fell asleep at the controls of their Airbus A330.
In the Virgin pilots' defence, they were probably taking pills to erase this image.
You can see why he's a virgin.
If I was one of the cabin crew, I'd play a joke on one of the sleeping pilots.
First I'd light some paper under his nose, clash two dustbins and throw a bucket of water over him.
So in his sleepiness, he'd assume he's crashed into the sea.
Oh, imagine the larks! Get a printer, and get a really big picture of the face of Big Ben and put it on the windscreen for when he wakes up.
And the last spin.
DRUM ROLL BUZZER Ooh! It's a fictional character.
Oh, no, no, no.
America's gone bankrupt because it's a fictional character that's been killed off.
And it's all closed.
Republicans and Democrats can't agree on the budget.
And is that news or not news? DANNY: Oh, it's news.
The Republicans can't agree the fact that they lost.
Yeah.
They lost the election and they lost this vote repeatedly but the Tea Party, which is a sort of UKIP with guns, um .
.
have decided that basically, they don't care.
Um, America, home of democracy, vote goes the wrong way, you refuse to accept it.
So they've basically said, "No, we're not going to agree.
" So they would literally rather America close down than a very, very minor and not very radical change is made to public health care.
There are 800,000 federal workers who've been forced to take unpaid leave.
According to the Guardian: An idea they got from BT.
APPLAUSE And the international consequences? It could send the rest of the world's economy plunging over a cliff again.
They're almost too severe to comprehend, though this man's story will give you some idea of the torment this is causing.
Already actually sent a text to my mate at home, saying, "Just about to go to the Statue of Liberty for my birthday," and obviously now, I need to text him to say I'm not going, so yeah, bit of a disappointment.
How much is a text? From America? A pint of text.
This is the news that America has closed until further notice.
If your enquiry is urgent, please contact Canada.
Time now for the Odd One Out round.
One between you this week.
Your four are SpongeBob SquarePants, Sally Bercow, Walter Tell and Carmen Miranda.
BUZZER Three! CATHY: Sally Bercow - fruitcake? No, she was caught.
This I'm sure I saw this on Channel 4 News.
This was big.
She was at one of the conferences balancing some item of fruit on her head in a bar.
Yes, that's correct.
Walter Tell, son of William, balanced an apple on his head and had it shot off by his father.
Carmen Miranda had a whole bowl of fruit on her head.
Fantastic, and sang Yes, We Have No Bananas.
SpongeBob SquarePants He's quite a guy.
Bob is the odd one out.
Is it because he he's got a friend called Patrick? And he's the odd one out because nobody else knows anybody called Patrick.
Where does SpongeBob live? Under the sea.
In a pineapple.
Yes, but also, under? A pineapple.
Yes! APPLAUSE Hello! Is there an echo? Did you say it? Is there an echo? Did you say under a pineapple first? There was a little echo over that side.
You know what? Let them have it.
Proper chairman, and God love you, Humph, would have said by now, "I'm going to award points to both sides.
" But I can't say it now.
How spineless would I look? Yes, SpongeBob SquarePants is the odd one out.
How would you describe his voice, Ian? Er, rough, manly.
Touch of Lord Hailsham.
Well, Tom Kenny, the man behind the distinctive voice, describes it as Which is also a starter at Heston Blumenthal's.
And, um, can you name any of Carmen Miranda's hits? Yes.
BOTH: # I, I, I, I like you very much.
# # Down among Brazilians coffee beans go by the millions # And they got a lot of coffee there to sell There's an awful lot of coffee in Brazil.
At last! The show's coming to life! Carmen Miranda cracked America, but her English wasn't great.
She told one magazine: She went on to teach Nancy Dell'Olio how to speak English.
Yes, they've all had fruit on their heads apart from SpongeBob SquarePants, who lives under a pineapple in a fun town under the sea.
Sort of like Blackpool will be once all the fracking starts.
According to the Daily Mail, late one night at the Labour Party Conference, Sally Bercow .
.
tried to balance a pineapple on her head.
"I really regret this embarrassing incident "and I'm just grateful I wasn't caught on camera looking so stupid," said the pineapple.
Time now for the Missing Words round, which this week features as its guest publication Fantastic.
Perfect if you fancy a short circuit round the lake.
GROANING As electric boat puns, that's fairly high up.
I thought that was pretty good.
And we start with One of the rounds on Bake Off.
Do you think you could just add boiling water and he'll come back? The process reduces the body to powder, and has been pioneered by a company called: Whose slogan proudly states, "We're the people who put the gran into granules.
" Next: CATHY: Dancing Gangnam Style.
Paul Hollywood.
How would Paul Hollywood give people wobbly bottoms? Out of just sort of quivering with desire? The answer is simply! According to the Express And I Love My Country has topped a list of shows that make you want to drink more.
Next: Enchanted with electric boat.
It is an electric boat.
Oh, is it? MC Arse Admiral.
I quite like that.
Round here I'm known as the Arse Admiral.
Because of what I can navigate.
No, the answer is: There was a real buzz when that happened, but mainly because he'd wired up his boat incorrectly.
Next: Pulls plug on political career as he admits that he's going to spend more time with his 16-year-old friends.
Spend more time in jail! CATHY: On attempt to topple the government.
Yes, quite right, news.
News.
Let's get back to news.
You're absolutely right.
It is: As his political career draws to a close, the one thing Berlusconi is desperately hoping for is immunity.
Not just from prosecution, but also from every known sexually transmitted disease.
And finally: DANNY: Eating yellow snow? No.
GROANING This, erm Is that a big problem in Iceland? Well, I imagine There's not many of them there.
I imagine it's a smaller gene pool than in other countries.
It is dark a lot of the time, too.
This is an app which tells you if your date is a relative.
All you have to do is just press a button and Bob's your uncle.
Sodon't have sex with him! APPLAUSE So, the final scores are: Paul and Danny have six points but Ian and Cathy have seven.
Yeah! Yeah! APPLAUSE And I leave you with news that in a bid to combat accusations of ageism, the BBC re-employ Percy Thrower on Gardeners' World.
At the studios of Sky TV, as the set is constructed for his new Politics Show, Adam Boulton is about to regret naming the programme Talk It Through.
And And following the split in the Church of England over same-sex marriage, the Synod meets to discuss an even more controversial proposal.
Good night.
APPLAUSE